Here’s the beloved Conservative Comedian, Brad Stine, giving his lighthearted send-off to CPAC 2012 DAY 1 yesterday. Your Wonkette would’ve gone to watch him personally but was busy doing anything else. What’s his joke? Americans are such wusses now with their basic car safety measures. Ha! Ehh. If you listen really closely you can hear him say “METH METH COCAINE METH COCAINE METH,” too.
Your Wonkette will be returning to CPAC today, for some reason. Probably because Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Mitt Romney will all be there and pandering in true patriotic spirit. What reason is there not to attend? And did you hear that Barack Obama is forcing the Catholic Church to give each of its followers one abortion per day, at the Abortionplex? We’ll hear much more about that today. Much, much more… Oh now there is some billionaire introducing Rick Santorum onstage! Pitchforks out, folks.
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How can you have yer abortion if ye dont eat yer meat?!?
How kin ya have yer meat if you don't have an abortion?
laddy reckons himself an abortionist.
What have we here, ladies and gentlemen? A vacuum!
We don't need no contraception….
Not if you "eat" your "meat." But there is the that little problem of a few million lil' swimmers ending up in the wrong orifice, however. You'll be hearing some tut-tutting from the Pro-Lifers on that one, all right.
Leave our eggs alone!
If you don't beat yer meat, you can't have any pussy! How can you have any pussy, if you don't beat yer meat?
Ahhh, but she'll never need an abortion if you beat your meat.
Except in Oklahoma, where it's illegal.
Wait a second…masturbation is not ok in OK?
The amendment was….withdrawn
I usually get several meals out of one with Abortion Helper(TM).
Not so much…
Yes?
Yes.
Santorum is right in what he just said about women being too "emotional" to serve in combat. Not only that, they would have a hell of a time urinating on dead Afghans, but he didn't mention that.
You might be surprised what a strong will and a little squatting would get you. My ex took out a Fender Champ and a Telecaster like that! Folks told me she looked like she really enjoyed it too. But you sure got the 'emotional' part right…
And what is that twangy odor I'm enjoying?
A big thumb's up for the Ventures reference.
NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Dang, that's just wrong.
The Tele should be OK, if you take it apart and clean/replace the switch and the pots, everything else you can just wipe clean and let it dry. But the Champ amp? Was it plugged in and turned on at the time? She was taking a hell of a risk, there.
Might there have been alcohol involved?
[/amateur guitar tech]
Probably no motherboard in that Champ, so given a tear-down and maybe a new grill it'd probably survive. Still, that's a real… pisser?
Everything and everyone lived to tell the tale, but the guitar and amp found it's way to the pawn shop shortly after that (caveat emptor!), there was just no more joy to be found there.
Plus, the giraffes would smell them when they got their monthly infections from sitting in the ditches.
Bizzare Newt comment reference FTW.
If they were allowed to wear kilts into combat…no problem.
As an advisor to a fraternity, I can assure Santorum that men are far more emotional than women, though I would like to use that as a defense excuse to kick his ass.
Actually, I was incorrect…. What he said was that MEN are too emotional about WOMEN – and would try to protect them. I should have known, because it's a fact that women are emotionless and actually shouldn't have any say in this matter anyway….
Y'know, the Spartans thought something similar. Only it was along the lines of keep your boy fuckbuddy close, because you'll feel so emotionally attached that you'll kill anyone who threatens him.
Try telling that to a bunch of CPACers halfway through a showing of 300. Head explosions follow.
Women are too emotional?! This from a guy that slept with a fucking dead baby?!!!
Who would win a fistfight between Starbuck (Katee Sackhoff) as opposed to Dirk Benedict) vs. Santorum? Or between Alien's Ripley and Frothy? Fuck him….women have come home from our military adventurism in Iraq and Afghanistan sans limbs, or in a bodybag, and no one had a problem with them serving…
More stupid ideas about the military from another effing twat who has never served. What is this, Tuesday?
STAY IN THE BOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He should team up with Gary Busey. Helmets are for liberals.
We should really allow any conservative to ignore the safety regulations. And then…problem solved.
And brain damage is for conservatives…
There's a cause-and-effect relationship there, but the details are still sort of in dispute.
Also, safety belts. Too.
Wait, Gary Busey is about as funny as a tooth abscess too?
Hard to get in an accident on the golf path in your hoveround….
… Gary Bussey and Ben Roethlisberger
If we could just get rid of all the women, gays, blacks, hispanics and orientals, white males could turn this planet back into a real paradise.
Rentboys for everyone!!!
I think we have CPAC's next headlining panel leader, right here.
Yup, yup. What we got ourselves here is a failure of too much multiculturalism. If we could just be exactly alike there'd be no conflict. But no, them others insist on eating their tacos and their matzohs. Although we should keep the matzohs — now that is some perfectly bland cracker. That's alrite.
These assholes, even if they were able to pull that off, would turn on one another in no time. White male conservative, but Jewish? You're next. Then Catholics, probably. Then the not-insane-enough protestants, then those who don't thump their bibles quite hard enough … at the end of the day, when only the biggest asshole of them all is left standing, he gets to say "See, I was right all along!"
Brown eyes vs. Blue eyes!
It wouldn’t be quite the paradise you are referring to, until one religious, white, group prevails over the other religious, white, groups.
Then, Nirvana.
"…but was busy doing anything else."
Hmmm…what could that have been: fighting off Peggy Noonan, sobbing in a linen closet for your lost youth, insisting to Lindsey Graham, Andrew Breitbart and the dude in the bald eagle costume that "really, dude, I'm straight"? Inquiring minds demand to know.
Slapping away reacharounds.
I have a giant, miserable commute, 90 minutes each way, and not even highway, 3/4ths is on a miserable two-lane road through East Sisterfucker, Pine Barrenland. I spend the whole time, both ways, sobbing for my lost youth. And the pussy, the lost pussy of youth. Its true, youngsters, its true, you will never regret saying "yes," with enough time, the ONLY regrets are the times you said "no."
I do not even know why you put this piece of beautiful writing here, but "..through East Sisterfuck,Pine Barrenland." is fantastic.
I throw it all out there, hoping some will stick.
Does that route go past the Railroad Diesel Engine graveyard? Cause that's where the Jersey Devil lives,
You've been reading Wierd NJ, haven't you? I have been to one diesel locomotive graveyard, I just don't know if its THE locomotive graveyard.
Weird NJ sounds interesting. I did not know someone did a book about my father’s family.I haven’t been through there in years, about 30. But I used to go from Barnegat to Philly on a road through the top of the Pine Barrens. In some of the most desolate area one would pass scores of old diesel locomotives about a hundred yards off the road to the north. The last time they were all white washed to be less obvious. Once I stopped and went in through a hole in the fence and climbed up on one. All the gauges and handles were gone which may be why there was a hole in the fence. State Trooper was looking for me when I came out and said it was private property and I would be arrested if caught in there again. Probably the site of half the world’s PCB’s from the generator oil as the ground was covered with it. A play ground I used to go to as a kid is now a NJDEP site and being evaluated as a Superfund site. Before WWII it was switch yard for the Eire Lacawana commuter line. Seems they just threw down some fill, a little grass seed and a swing set and let the town use it as a park.
Not to mention the "why the hell did I choose ___ – I should have been a(n) ____ "
Do NOT GO TO LAW SCHOOL. Just don't.
Law School is the place where you learn to lie to the people who need to be told the truth and are stuck having to tell the truth to people who need a good lie.
Hooray for CPAC! It's the most wonderful time of the year! Bring the lulz, wingnuts. Bring the lulz.
Someone forgot the lulz.
Who says conservatives aren't funny? People with a sense of humor, that's who.
I have a sense of humor, and I laugh at Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Mitt Romney all the time.
Touché libel?
Conservative comedy began and ended with "….now watch this drive."
But I've not had sex in five days, I simply CAN'T be preggers….
Does being male affect my ability to get pregnant?
Attaching "conservative" to what you do is the last refuge of the talentless.
Don't forget "Christian," works for musicians anyway.
It allows for the soft bigotry of low expectations.
Lazy, pretty easy to write jokes for folks with that type of sense of humor. You know, like what do you get when you cross an undocumented worker with an octopus? I don't know either, but it sure can pick lettuce!
See, the problem is the best right-wing comics are too nuanced. I mean, Michele, Herman, Mittens, Ricky, Newton, the other Ricky — their deadpanned delivery of hysterical satire is so subtle that it goes right over the heads of most of their audience.
They're like the Steven Wright of politics
It's easy for the Hermanator's jokes to go over the heads of women because he forces them down to his crotch.
But is it comedy or performance art. Oh, Andy Kaufman, you've made it too confusing.
I've been wondering which GOP candidate is actually the still-very-much-alive-Kaufman. If it's Newt, then Andy found himself one hell of a fat suit.
First prize at the CPAC raffle is a Brad Stein DVD. Second prize is two Brad Stein DVD's.
Did I miss the bit about mandatory ashtrays and lighters?
And who needs cup holders. 'Murikins should be free to balance their 32 ounce Big Gulps and Vente-Scald-o-Javas in their laps and drive with their kneecaps.
And head restraints, just sitting there waiting to keep you from subluxating your cranium from your cervical spine *tepid audience laugh*
And Obama and his cronies like Bill Ayers and Ralph Nader requiring crumple zones. Crumple zones? If I want my engine block on my lap during a head-on collision, well that is my perogative. Not some nanny state liberal telling me how safe my car should be. *even more tepid response*
I'm all in favor of giving a seat belt-free Ford Pinto to any Teabagger who wants one. If he agrees to drive it every day, he also gets to go without health insurance.
What's sad is that they'd line up, by the thousands, for this bargain.
A Ford Pinto with a transmission which goes only in reverse.
Maybe he didn't do that, since the Marriott is a smoke-free hotel. Didnt want to lose his audience by reminding them they had to go outside to light up.
Barry caved. Hope he at least got a paper Pope hat and a diamond crusted coat hanger.
Someone else paid for his Pascal's wager.
Really – why is it Conservatives are incapable of being funny? Other than lack of brains, imagination and ethnicity, that is.
I think good comedy springs from deprivation. The only thing Conservatives are deprived of is Jesus, because Liberals are waging a war on Religion. Oh, and brains.
You try being funny with a stick up your ass all day, see how YOU like it!
Don't forget lack of humility and generosity. It's hard to be funny when you're telling people that they suck because they're different than you.
Not going to watch the video, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is about as hilarious as Dennis Miller was on Monday Night Football.
Dennis Miller on meth would be a little more accurate.
Yeah, but Miller at least included a lot of references to historical events, generally even dating them within two centuries of when they actually occurred, and pronouncing a quarter or more of the names correctly.
I thought this was Dennis Miller after doing meth since 9/11.
Ah, longing for the days when technology was allowed BUT was not used in vehicles because your personal safety is up to you!
"Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II……………."
OMG, this guy is highlarious. I have never heard this material before. Except for on all the stand-up re-runs on Comedy Central and Laugh Attack on Sirius radio. But, he probably doesn't remember where he heard this all before cuz his whole life is obvs one long meth bender.
Yes, truly, baby car seats are an affront to the Republic.
Needz more baby on board missiles.
They shred the Constitution and make the infant baby Jesus cry.
My favorite pasttime is watching people fly through windshields. It reminds me that I'm alive.
bring back plate glass, leaded gas, and whale-oil light bulbs!
And 25¢ a pack Luckies to carry in a rolled-up tee shirt sleeve.
Ayyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Don't forget the laudanum.
Nevar forgit!
Opium mixed with alcohol? Sounds like all types of win to me. If only you could put it in one of those ferrero-rocher nutella balls, then baby you got a stew goin.
Speaking of forgetting, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. Or the brain go softer. Or some such. I forget.
My favorite pasttime is watching
peopleconservative "comedians"* fly through windshields. It reminds me that I'm alive, and they used to be morons.*Semantic note: the phrase "conservative comedian" is an example of the form [modifier][Noun Phrase] where, because of the modifier, something designated by the entire expression is not properly described by the noun phrase. Other examples: "fools gold", "aborted launch", "imitation pearls", "fake diamonds".
Also, oxymoron.
Which in this case, emphasis is necessary.
giant shrimp
special olympics.
Compassionate conservative.
Do you cue up the 1812 Overture too? I have a hard time working out the sync for the cannons…
A car wreck descibes his act very well I think.
Wow a nostalgia bit at CPAC. Yes nostalgia, longing for the good old days when car companies made death traps like the Corvair, and the coloreds knew their place (which was not in a car, those were for whitey, get in the back of the bus please) and only Texas and Arizona had messicans in any significant numbers. Yes make fun of the 17 year old kid, now he'll vote for Obama too, just because you pissed him off.
Cars are too fast? This is the conservative case? I'd like to keep my fast car, thanks.
These days, a Ford Mustang makes 650 HP. Six hundred and fifty horsepower. It has a top speed of 200+ mph. And! Because it has cat cons and airbags and everything else foisted upon us by the nanny state, it won't choke you to death with emissions or kill you dead in a fender bender.
Because Obama bailed out GM, I can buy a Cadillac station wagon that has a 6 speed manual transmission, a 6.2 liter V8 with a supercharger, and makes 550 hp. It's not as fast as the Mustang (because of no bailouts?), but it will carry five people. And did I mention it's a station wagon?
So, yeah. "Cars are too fast" is not a good campaign platform, buddy. Also it's not funny.
My buddy just bought one of those Caddys. It's a damn nice car.
And with a Cadillac you can get those windshield wipers that work at 180 mph IN THE RAIN!
Well, obviously, that's just not safe if your wipers aren't working well.
You know who else stood in front of a bunch of scared wingers, didn't yell curse words, and didn't make people laugh?
Walnuts after picking Caribou Barbie?
Mittens?
Bill Cosby?
Ann Coulter?
IRS auditors?
Naturalist and streaker, Lester Norfund, of the SC Norfunds? Noted, chiefly, for his statement "I streak because I have a micropeen, so it just looks like I am wearing a fur g-string."
My suppression of conservative comic:
"Liberals, I tell ya…say, why are aspirins white? Cuz they work!…"
What, no how many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb jokes?
None, their damned CFLs last forever and ever, amen.
Randy?
Just one … because he won't sit on his ass waiting for the free market to fix it.
I suppose if Leary can get rich ripping off Hicks, this guy can get
richnowhere ripping off Leary.It's like Leary took a dump that became sentient.
Hasn't Dennis Miller pretty much proven that conservative comedians aren't even remotely funny? Why even be a conservative comedian – does not compute.
Someone has to be Sarah Palin's opening act. It's either one of them or a recording of "Freebird" by Ted Nugent.
You're forgetting that the idea is not to be funny … the idea is to make conservatives laugh. That sort of shit is not likely to be funny.
If so, then it looks like there is a niche market for the truly funny conservative. Stephen Colbert did it as a political joke. Maybe some librul comedian could do the same thing as a joke on the conservatives.
The devil has all the best tunes.
That's why I had to special-order a 2Tb iPod.
Death-based comedy is a hoot.
I'm so glad someone got use out of the "How to be funny" DVD Dane Cook put out a few years ago.
If somebody/something kicked him in the nuts just like in Ow, my Balls! now that would be funny.
Maybe if he played guitar or did some coin tricks it would help a little bit.
He looks like someone crossed Quentin Taranto with a caged and toothless lion, then shot him up with crack.
Wait, so is this fake dennis leary advocating a return to the horseless carriage?
I had to stop after about ten seconds because he was making me crave crack too much.
And may I add, your comedic timing is impeccable, following my post.
It's funny because it's true!
Also, my cat likes your avatar.
Humor requires intelligence, empathy, and a supple contact with reality. Thus no conservative funny guys.
I can't force myself to watch that shit. Did he make any "fat people on hoverounds" jokes?
How could he? That's his base.
We do that. It's called "CPACALYPSE"
This new word…she should not be buried in a thread like this! CPACALYPSE!
This guy proves why Breitbart hasn't launched his 'BigComedy.com' site yet.
I do see BigDick.com has been taken. I bet that is the umbrella site for all his Bigs.
snort.
I was only able to watch about 1/3 of this. It was sucking the intelligence out of my brain so fast I had to turn it off.
Thank FSM for Spell Check. I hope I get language skills back soon.
"Conservatives drive a car like this. Libtards drive a car like this."
Oh, how cute! Someone is trying to be a conservative Lewis Black.
This is a "comedian?"
No.
He is a "self-avowed" comedian.
"See, in the old days, we did things the stupid, dangerous way with no regard for ourselves or others! And that's how it should be today! Who cares about what advances have been made or what new information is available?!"
That ideology translates from the campaign stump right to the standup act, doesn't it?
Wouldn't it be just hilarious if brad stein was seriously maimed in a car crash? Or are conservative comedians "humorously" maimed?
Also, I've been gone for a week or so and didn't know for certain if Jim was coming back, but goddamn Jim, I have missed the fuck out of you.
He's using a microphone! What a wuss. A real American just talks really loud, especially to foreigners.
His fatherly concern for his son's safety brings a tear to my eye. NO WAIT! It's just some dust in my eye.
When his son goes to war (he better!): no helmet, no armored humvee, no cammo. Fight like a real American, circa 1776.
Yep. Was thinkin standing here with a mic in my hand, bathed in floodlights, that electrical codes were paternalistic as well.
In Russia shitty jokes tell Brad Stine.
And hate themselves for it.
That awkward moment when you realize the comedian is actually just really angry, about everything, and is seconds away from screaming a stream of obscenities before vomiting on himself and passing out, unless you clap awkwardly at his jokes.
I hear the same thing happens at Gallager shows. Why isn't he headlining this?
Watermelon is for teh coloreds. That's why.
Well it IS blah history month…
Choir preacher is preachy.
Would it classify as irony to report that Stine was killed after the show last night when he was knifed in an alley by a homeless, meth-addled side-door airbag?
"And what's with all these wimps not getting polio anymore?"
"Ok great. Simple question. Show of hands please. Do you choose or not choose to hate America? Simple…simple…just vote with your hands."
i suppose there might be a reason to watch this, but i can't think of one so i won't.
Good grief, this is much worse than that time I accidentally saw Dane Cook on HBO. That incident drove me to cancel cable. I really hope this doesn't drive me to cancel internet.
Could you post pictures of your boobs before you do?
Your comment, and this, will be available in you favorite search site in a few minutes. Make it easier to find by including a weird name or term like "Hyperactive Rhomboidal Sasquatch"
So don't cancel the internet until you view your own 5.094 seconds of fame.
Andy Borowitz's straight lines for CPAC make funnier jokes than this guy: "Obama didn't kill Osama bin Laden. He put him on Obamacare, and that killed him"
A friend of mine in his early forties (father of two wonderful kids, spectacular husband to a spectacular wife, flexible and understanding kids soccer carpool participant) was near death from a hereditary heart condition, was kept alive for one and a half years by a portable pump, and received a heart transplant two years ago that seems likely to keep him alive well beyond the time his eventual grandchildren will graduate from university.
When he was sitting on the waiting list, I did some research into the chances of receiving a donor heart. The information I came across indicated that one of the most significant factors was whether you lived in or near a state with no motorcycle helmet laws. The heart this guy received came from a young man in a neighboring state without such laws, who had died of massive brain trauma from a motorcycle accident, no helmet.
Now look, I never wish death on people besides the truly evil, except occasionally in jest, and even then I feel bad about having done so. But when I think about a situation where feckless fools, of their own muleheaded free will, act in ways that make it possible for people like my friend to stay alive with their friends and loved ones, I do feel the quiet tug of a hidden inner libertarian.
I feel the same way when I hear this guy.
I felt an inner tug too, but felt better after I went to the toilet. Ha ha. Oh no, I've been infected by conservativecomedianitis. Heeellllllppp mmmmmeeeeee.
Great joke! You know, Micheal Moore was going to tell that joke. He's really fat!!Haha! And Al Gore too! Yanowatimsayin' people? He's one fat guy! …Omigod, it's happening to me too.—
Just in case you have no access to Biker philosophy. " no helmet is actually safer, the helmet makes riders over confident and besides, I'd rather die than be just alive ,but not as cool as I am right now, which is pretty cool right? Sorry I can't hear you over the obnoxious but incredibly cool exhaust noise of my hard tail"
I've never heard anyone articulate that particular worldview, but now that I know such people are out there, I'll keep a lookout for one. And if I should ever meet one, I'll give him (somehow I have a hunch that it will be “him”) a hearty handshake and thank him from the bottom of my – um – heart for remaining true to his principles.—
Oh there are she's also. One of my dear chums is the secretary of the local harley chapter. Her words ” I don't ever want to be a pathetic cripple”. And she is 60 + .
We'll see how broad the new exemption is. One problem is that this isn't going to placate the fucking Bishops, or the other wackadoos who don't want anybody to get any contraception, ever. It won't take them long to figure out that if the insurance companies have to provide the benefit with no co-pay, at the same premium as the base employer plan, that the employer plan premium will increase slightly, so they'll bitch about that.
I'm not saying that it's a bad idea to try to defuse the situation, just that I don't see that the compromise is going to change very many minds. A healthy majority of Catholics already think no-copay contraceptive services is a good idea. Maybe this is aimed at the little group of Democratic Congresscatholics.
Mister Stein. I know Comedians. I work with Comedians. Comedians are friends of mine.
Mister Stein, you are no Comedian.
Pussies. Real 'Merkins would get chopped to pieces and die, like God intended.
Humorously: "Hey Brad, you look funny with half your face torn off."
I can't wrap my head around this routine. It almost seems Colbertian.
"Cars are good because they allow us technology." I am crying with laughter here. Big double thumb upfists here.
Gah. Not only did I double-post, but double-delete? What the hell, intensedebate?
I know. Intensedebate has been doing some squirrely things lately. Wonkette should demand her money back.
Well, it's hard to be a successful at comedy when you've never known any gays/lesbians/minorities/Jews/Muslims/etc. Wealthy white inbreeding does not produce good humor.
It doesn't produce good comedians, but it sure provides good material. Examples being the Bush, Quayle, and Kennedy families.
I kinda like the idea of this guy and his family driving without seat belts, if that's what they want. Go Brad. Unbuckle and speed…faster…ignore that turn…epic win!
I always wondered what it would be like to be hate raped in the eyes by an angry meth-head – thanks Wonkette
More people should be dying on America's highways. Ha ha.
Towards the end he starts to laugh at his own joke. That was the only laugh in the whole act.
Well. This guy is about as funny as an overflowing toilet.
Conservative, comedian, those two thing don't go together, besides he isn't anywhere close to being funny…
Don't have to watch this pathetic loser; I've known for years the conservative anatomy lacks a funny bone.
A second-rate Dennis Leary imitation, sans humor. I bet the high point of hilarity for the right-wingers was when he barked out – "My friends would have beaten me – and they should have". Them Jaysus lubbers shore lubs 'em some S&M don't they?
Don't his rantings sound like he's doing a parody of right-wingers complaining about over-reaching government and regulation? And the CPAC audience has to sit there and listen to it — now that would be almost funny, if it weren't so sickly subtle that even I can understand it.
So withdrawal is okay?
Throw in an accelerator that sticks, and TeaTard slogans written all over the rear window, and we have a deal.
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