What's it going to take to get you into Mitt Romney today?As the undisputed loser of three crucial Republican head-on collisions this week, Mitt Romney can’t be blamed for turning his campaign into something of a fire sale. This is America, kiddos. ABC, Always Be CLOSING. Mitt is a businessman, allegedly, so he knows that if no one (literally!) is buying what you’re selling, well, it’s time to give any loony offer that comes your way a serious hearing. In practice, this means Mitt will pretend to listen to what you’re saying and — before your voice can even start lilting upward to form the question — he will already be vomiting forth his grinning assent. Anything, ANYTHING, to move the still-smoldering inventory of his presidential aspirations. Drug testing welfare recipi– “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YES WHEN DO I START!!!!”

A reporter at Atlanta NBC affiliate 11 Alive braved the onslaught of Mitt’s in-your-face agreeability:

Hullinger: “How about a quick question [on] the state legislature. It’s been bantered about-that welfare recipients should be drug tested. What do you think?”

Romney: “states will deal with drug testing with welfare recipients, but my own view it’s a great idea. People who are receiving welfare benefits, government benefits, we should make sure they are not using the money for drugs. I think it’s an excellent idea.”


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  • Steverino247

    Mr. President, to what do you attribute the idea that the 20% of Republicans polls show are likely to vote for you are really Democrats who are being paid by George Soros, and that white guilt is motivating one fifth of Republicans to possibly support you?

    They've lost their medical coverage and are no longer able to afford their psychotropic medications.

  • CapnFatback

    "Drug test welfare recipients? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Most CEOs that I know are jacked up on shit you can only get if you know a guy in South America directly, so- Oh . . . oh, THAT kind of welfare. Well, shit, yeah, test those fuckers."

  • freakishlywrong

    Government largess for me, pee in a cup for thee. Fuck you.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Dude… that was a haiku.

    • mrpuma2u

      Reminds me of the Mojo Nixon classic lyrics from "just say no"
      "I ain't gonna pee in no cup 'till Nancy Reagan gonna drink it up"

      Yes test all the corporate welfare recipients too, let's see how many come up with Oxycontin and viagra hits that they don't have scrips for.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Government benefits. Hmmmm…military contractors get government benefits. Aren't veterans benefits government benefits? Federal pensions? Wait…Social security?

    • Dumbedup

      yeah, that adds up to a lotta piss every month

  • Steverino247

    You would think that the guy who won the Florida primary would know Florida proved this was a bad idea.

    • anonymousryan

      Sure, the drug testing has cost more than was saved by cutting off benefits to those few that failed the test, but we made life harder for someone who likes to smoke pot every now and then. It's one of them there moral victories.

  • SorosBot

    Yes, a great idea, people who need welfare in the United States just aren't humiliated enough for it.

    • Making foster kids use their clothing allowance only at Goodwill, and having them scrub toilets in public school is just a start. We can do better than this people!

  • Schmannnity


    • Ruhe

      The purest distillation of snark. Well done.

  • Paraphrasing Hunter S. Thompson: The sense of desperation began spreading like a piss-puddle on concrete.

  • ph7

    As we speak, drug test makers are hurriedly adding Mountain Dew and Folgers markers to their pee tests.

    • James Michael Curley

      If you're a veteran and decide, end up, capitulate, or whatever to having the Veterans Administration your primary care provider, when they request periodic blood and urine tests "for your health screening" ask them for the lab tests. You will find the results include bunches of tests for marijuana, cocaine, prescription drugs and such.

      A national data base of over 32 million who have been 'drug tested' and HIPPA does not apply to the federal government.

      Where's my tea?

      • ph7

        Some folks are born
        silver spoon in hand,
        Lord don't they help themselves.
        But when the pee test man comes to the door,
        Lord, their urinal looks like a rummage sale.

  • There is precious little difference between a scam artist and a rethug presidential candidate, is there?

    • His wife drives one! If that doesn’t convince you, what will?

    • BarryOPotter

      One has a certain likability, if not an ineffable charm, about them, the other offers a frothy mix of bathos-smeared "pandermonium" (thanks for the new word , Schmannityy!) in exchange for a vote.

    • Scam artists at least have the self-awareness to recognize what they're doing.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Smaller Government™

    Focus on the 'small' folks with small worlds doing small things getting small handouts pissing into a small cup.

    • freddymcmurray

      you forgot small brains

    • freakishlywrong

      And small hearts.

  • Drug test the banksters.

    They get more government welfare than anybody else.

    • LesBontemps

      "Before we give you this $700 billion, we'd like you to pee in this cup."

  • Indiepalin

    Test all of these presidential candidates for drug use and anyone testing negative should be sent to work on the Kill Floor at Iowa Beef Products.

  • Goonemeritus

    I also think we need to test Social Security recipients I’m sick of tripping over seniors booting up in my hallways and those damn drug fueled senior raves.

    • widestanceshakedown

      But, at least their raves over by 3:30pm, followed by Ben Gay come down time, and then on to Country Buffet for dinner.

    • ChuckieJesus

      My mom's a Real Old now, pulling Social Security and very little else, living the dream in America's Syphilitic Dick (FL). Olds get GREAT fucking drugs, shit that would give Hunter S. Thompson pause. It's just the poor ones like my mom have to choose between feeling the pain of pins in her spine, and oh… eating.

      • carolinaswamp

        My mom has moved on from really old to really dead, sadly, but while alive her 400 mg. of time-release morphine a day would have cracked the test tubes at the testing facilities.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      And we all know what drug abuse can lead to…


  • Steverino247

    Drug tests for welfare applicants in exchange for psychological evaluations of political candidates with the results of both posted online along with the financial disclosures already required. Let's see who's got which personality disorders before we vote. Save billions in veterans benefits!

  • SorosBot

    Someone should remind the rural Republican base that drug testing would apply to white welfare beneficiaries and the drugs tested for would include meth.

    • ChuckieJesus

      Slighty OT, but methheads clean up quicker than potheads. If you can stand the itching and the cravings, you'll clean out after a week or so, with tweak, whereas pot will stay in a person's system anywhere between a month and three months, depending on how fat your ass is.

      It's a cryin' shame…

      • SorosBot

        But pot is so much more dangerous than meth, we can't have welfare recipients using a drug that might give them the munchies, make them dress like idiots or think the Grateful Dead and Phish don't actually suck.

        • MissTaken

          Have fun with that skank you met on Match, or was it Adult Friend Finder? I forget. Anyways, have fun, whatever.

          **seething with jealousy**

      • James Michael Curley

        And detectable in your hair for much longer whether you shave it off or not.

        • ChuckieJesus

          Ffffffffffffff. Oh shit. I am a black woman. If they come anywhere near my fucking hair…

          • James Michael Curley

            When these Bozos get in Afro-Sheen will be a “controlled substance.”

    • widestanceshakedown

      We'll need an amendment to the Constitution declaring meth a Job Creator.

      • LesBontemps

        Well, it helps get the job done, at least.

    • BarryOPotter

      And after reminding them, pause for effect then add: "Oh yeah, this shit just got real."

    • Biff


  • Baconzgood

    “states will deal with drug testing with welfare recipients, but my own view it’s a great idea. People who are receiving welfare benefits, government benefits, we should make sure they are not using the money for drugs. I think it’s an excellent idea. Wait….can we implement this after the election? 'Cause you gotta be whacked outta you'r gord to vote for me.”

    • hagajim

      I think it's an excellent idea (because it might get me a few more fucking votes)….besides small government forever right? Dick!

  • CrunchyKnee

    High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs! Yeah, where's your Messiah now, Mittens?

  • Only an imbecile like Mittens can make piss in a cup into a shit storm.

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm going to be scheuding my frauden all over the fucking place, when, after all this shameless teabaggery, Mittens will have to attempt to become a "moderate" again. Bring it, bitch!

  • Baconzgood


  • OC_Surf_Serf

    The Republicans are so damn afraid of the welfare recipients yet their policies keep creating more of them.

  • freddymcmurray

    whiz quiz THIS mutha truckers!

  • Radar, what am I signing?!

    • jus_wonderin

      Serious here. Did you know Gary Burghoff could sing? I shouldn't be surprised when I see an actor that can do other things than…act.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Uh, well, it's concerning that thing you don't want to know anything about, sir. You know, the reason why you're not here today?

      Honestly, this makes as much sense as anything that trickles out of these morons.

  • JackDempsey1

    I am quite sure that you find my urine chock full of vitamin F for freedom, like all real Americans. Where do I pee?

    • Ruhe

      On the dead Taliban, natch.

  • Baconzgood

    Ahhhhhh Mitt. 60% of welfare recipients are white, live in the south, and do meth.

    Welfar+white+south+meth=YOUR VOTING BASE.

    • SorosBot

      Someone likes to comment without reading what other people have written.

      • Baconzgood

        You're just a quicker typer than I Mr. Bot. I doff my cap.

        • Biff

          Today we are all a day late and a dollar short.

      • You can always grovel and apologize later. It's kind of like the Google or Facebook business plan.

  • To be fair, if Mittens knew how to party, he wouldn't be asking to have people drug tested.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Why stop there? Drug testing for everyone who receives medicare and medicaid, drug testing in order to get unemployment, drug testing for every member of Congress, drug testing to register your kid in school, drug testing to get a gun license!

    • Guppy

      For a gun license? Let's not be too hasty!

  • Romney would volunteer to be the receiver in a bukake film if it meant the possibility of a few delegates.

    • Schmannnity

      Why do you think his hair always stays in place?

  • Kung Fu Pander! Your outrageous litmus test is acquiesced to before you can even complete the attack!

  • So the guys who think fluorescent light bulbs are a conspiracy against freedumbs want the poor to pee in a cup while some ex-TSA reject sends it off to the lab to see if they are entitled to a "handout." Makes sense to me…

    Does it to you?

    • Biff

      Let's just skip all the "???" nonsense and get right to profit!

  • Chichikovovich

    Romney continued: "Really, it's a perfect Republican policy. It adds an additional humiliation to already humiliation-filled lives of the poor and desperate. It costs money that can be funneled directly into the pockets of the Republican contributors who sell the drug tests. (Sometimes even the wives of the Republican governors who brought the tests in in the first place – is this a great country or what?) Occasionally we will be able to block people from any public assistance at all for ill-advisedly smoking a joint, which will make no difference at all to government expenditures of course, but will give us all a chance to kick someone when s/he's down, which is what today's Republican is all about. And thinking long-term, we can probably compile lists of people who fail these drug tests, and look for opportunities to convict them of drug felonies that will provide one more inmate to the private prisons owned and run by Republican contributors, plus in many states it will strike them from the voter rolls forever. So in fact, it's time to make it the centerpiece of my campaign. That, plus denying women access to contraception, and securing light-bulb freedom."

    • Baconzgood

      WOW! A win for the day. And so early Chichikovovich. *pats you on the head* Good job.

    • freakishlywrong

      Did you just leak his CPAC speech?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      That was awesome. If you don't mind, I will add this to my arsenal.

    • BarryOPotter

      Damn! Did you steal someone's business plan?! You might want to lay low for a bit…

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Someone leaked the RNC Platform?

      • Pithaughn

        Yes, if by leaking you mean taking out 500 million $ of ads in the next 6 months or so.

    • Dumbedup

      OK that crossed some line of truth that rendered it unfunny and sad. Sigh.

      • Biff

        4th wall of snark, violated.

    • "So what's the downside?"

      –The GOP

  • EatsBabyDingos

    The Fourth Amendment is grossly overrated.

  • Baconzgood

    What is the GOP's fascination with poor people's piss?

    • freakishlywrong

      And other people having sexy time?

    • MozakiBlocks

      And what goes on in a woman's uterus? And who wants to marry whom? And who is a spokesperson for a department store?

    • BarryOPotter

      I guess they're more into kinky adult games than first thought…

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Ha ha…the only thing Mittens hasn't done is offer his wife up for a wet T-shirt contest at Sturgis ala Walnuts. Oh wait, that's in August–Anne better start working out.

    • Wet "The Garment" Contests are a staple of Wife Auctions in Mormon country.

      • snackypants

        Coffee sprayed out of my nose thanks to this comment, Chet Kincaid!

  • Welfare recipients pissing away their gov't bennies on drugs. Like our elected harlequins pissing away our votes on specious favor-swaps and rides in big corps' pockets, Mitt? For last-ditch sales pitches you're running for President on empty, for Pete's sake.

    • freakishlywrong

      Hey Mumblety, it's "for fuck's sake" from now until Blovember.

      • Apart from the enjoyment of reconstituting the very words of the blow-dried subject of our post, I look forward to taking your advice Freakish — which I recall your dispensing on previous occasions — and yet I'll save my most brutal verbal savagery for those über-menaces who have most egregiously worked to reap my wrath with their extra-pathetic displays of fucknuggetry.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Weather forecast under a Mitten administration: Golden showers followed by a shit storm

  • Tundra Grifter

    For a group that whines about Mr. Obama's "class warfare," the right wing nutz seem to have declared a scorched earth policy on lower-income America.

    Which, considering that half the folks in the good old US of A report AGI of less than $35,000 a year – would be most of us.

    These idiots are channeling St. Ronnie of Reagan's "welfare mothers in Cadillacs," crying that poor people don't pay enough in taxes, welfare recipients are all cheats (especially those seniors and little kids that could be out there working), poor people have refrigerators so they aren't really poor, etc., etc.

    Have they no shame?

    • Haha. No, they don't have shame.

    • Chichikovovich

      "Have they no shame?"

      Sure they do. When Romney was governor of Massachusetts the state guaranteed health care coverage to everyone, and he's ashamed of that.

      • Ruhe

        Baby, you are en fuego right now.

    • freakishlywrong

      Have they no shame?
      Fuck no. Shame is for homos.

    • ThundercatHo

      No, they do not. Please see Gingrich, Newt.

    • No doubt about it – this is the first tentative step toward enhanced interrogation techniques to be used by the 1% in the War on the Poors.

  • LesBontemps

    Drug test-kit companies are people too, my friend.

  • elburritodeluxe

    So Mittens the leftist, statist, America-hating Sharia law liberal would allow states to pay welfare benefits?

  • Upper Class Twit of the Year, Contest 4: Kicking the Beggar.

  • The poor should just self deport themselves to true welfare states or places where the cost of living is zero or below zero, like Antartica.

  • Completely OT, but hey, here's the CPAC's 'sponsors and supporters' page:

    One of these things, as they say, is not like the others.

    People should, like, maybe write letters or something.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Microsoft? WTF?

      • Guppy

        Looks like they're trying to sell their cloud services to political campaigns.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Yeah…but I would think that would make them more of a vender than a sponsor.

          • Guppy


            The differences between "exhibitor" and "co-sponsor" seem to mostly be marketing (e. g. "full-page color ad in the CPAC Resource Guide").

            And, of course, it'd be in CPAC's interests to apply the term "sponsor" as liberally (/cough) as possible.

    • not that Dewey

      Do you mean Altria Phillip Morris? The drug dealer?

      Browsing the list, I discovered an "organization" that I hadn't heard of before — Center for Urban Renewal and Education — which presumably aims to "cure" us of our "urban" problem.

    • UnholyMoses



      I guess they changed their motto to "Be as evil as is profitable."

      Fuckity fuck all to fuck.

      • Guppy

        What, have you not noticed their "privacy" policies after all this time?

    • wapitiscat

      Looks like teh AOL is a CO_SPONSOR !!11!

    • fuflans

      how do you tell an 'exhibitor' from any other republican?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      So, how does one googlebomb Google?

  • ThundercatHo

    I think this is his plan to turn everyone in America into a Mormon. Pass it on.

    • Starbucks will have something to say about that! Don't piss off Big Overpriced Bean!

  • chascates

    2012: The Year of the War on the Poor.

    • Huevos Ocupados

      To be fair the war has been going on a good 30 years now. Think of this as more of a surge,

    • It's class warfare. And the rich are winning.

  • CapeClod

    Wait until the zombie apocolypse starts. Think the poors are going to teach you to hunt squirrel after you've humilated them repeately?

  • prommie

    Crazy Mitties! His policies are INSANE! Now can he just flee to Israel, like real Eddie Antar?

  • Joshua Norton

    Will the test be mulitple choice? Are there any essay questions?

    • Schmannnity

      Asparagus versus beet urine: compare and contrast.

    • prommie

      Drugs are how america's youth learns the metric system. And wars are how americans learn geography.

  • sharethegrief

    Also, test them for salty snacks and sweets.

    • prommie

      Oh fuck no, thats Michelle Obama food nazism.

      • sharethegrief

        When Michelle (black woman Democrat) makes suggestions, it's nazism. When the Florida legislator (white woman Republican) proposes a bill, that's just loving your country.

        • prommie

          Thats because she is a near.

  • hagajim

    While we're testing welfare recipients lets include everyone who gets a dime of government monies….hell, maybe we all ought to piss in a cup monthly – then dump it on Willard's fat head. Are we gonna test for Santorum as well?

  • SolitaireRose

    How many of the people who will have to take these piss tests are voting for the bastards making them pee in a cup. Stoopid poors. If they were smart they'd be rich. Herman Cain told me so and he made money out of shitty pizza!

  • Joshua Norton

    If their stomach contents show anything but gruel and insects have them flogged.

  • Terry

    Mitt, hon, you need to talk to folks in Florida. Their asshat of a governor did just this. The result? Massive amount of money spent to find out that very, very, very few of the welfare recipients tested positive for drugs. You know what? Most people are just trying to get by and make as nice a life as possible for their kids. People take Welfare because they have to and most don't stay on it long. That fat welfare queen with the five bedroom house that was purchased by the gov't for her? That's a wet dream invented by Reagan to justify being a heartless prick. Sure, of all the welfare recipients in the country, you can find a person who abuses the system. But for each example of abuse, I can show you hundreds if not thousands of people who are simply doing the best they can and need some help through a rough patch.

    • SolitaireRose


    • HistoriCat

      You know, the real money is in healthcare – I wonder how much fraud could happen there. Maybe Rick Scott should launch an investigation into that.

      • James Michael Curley

        Rick Scott's wife owns the principal company doing the tests.

        • HistoriCat

          I'm sure that's just so he can be sure the state is getting its money's worth.

          • James Michael Curley

            I have to concede that as Republicans have driven more and more previously state run services into the private sector their return on investment has soared. When liberals dispute this I just remind them with two words, “Iraq War”.

  • Pragmatist2

    Bain is investing in recycled urine.

  • Protect poor people's zygotes with every draconian law you can dream up, but once they leave the birth canal, it's drug tests and janitorial work for the little fuckers.

  • Anybody who gets government money should be subject to testing commensurate with the amount of money they're pulling down.

    I'm looking at you, Mr Bain Capital Executive….

  • prommie

    Will they be testing for prozac, lexapro, welbutrin, klonopin, adderal, valium, xanax, oxycontin, demerol, dilaudid, placydil, darvon, etc, etc, etc?

    • What are these, elf clans from the Silmarillion?!

  • elburritodeluxe

    Speaking of welfare, it's awfully nice of Mittens and his friends to baptise dead Jews as Mormons …

  • What about drug testing for the not so poorz? Would you like to know that your heart surgeon or the engineer that signed-off on the bridge you are about to drive over isn't / wasn't coked out of their minds at an inopportune time? A dear friend, now passed, had open heart to repair a congenital heart defect & the operation went way south. 8 months later the #2 chest cutter for his surgery died of a coke overdose. His widow could not bring that up as part of her malpractice suit. Mittens, you are an asshole – round, red, and stained about the edges.

    • carolinaswamp

      Funny you should mention that. My father, a true South Carolina conservative Republican, designed many of our lovely state's bridges while drinking a quart of bourbon a day. A quart. Fortunately he is now long dead and won't have to face the embarrassment of testing, as if anyone would have had to test to tell what was going on. In any case, bourbon wouldn't be covered since it is a preferred drug at local country clubs.

      • "The Bridges Of Bourbon County", the first Chick Flick/Disaster Movie hybrid! (Oh, I forgot "Titanic".)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mittens should be taking drugs. Some organic hallucinogens like peyote or mushrooms might actually loosen his overly tightened brain.

  • Huevos Ocupados

    What a catch 22! 'Stoned as all fuck' was my plan for getting through a Mittens presidency…

  • Pithaughn

    A little enlightenment wonkers. Old white people's SS $ is not a benefit , they earned that the old fashioned way, paying a low FICA and then collecting COLA adjusted payments. SS is out of control, example, is there a single SS beneficiary who does not have at least one color TV?

  • James Michael Curley

    Famous TV Hucksters:

    Mitt Romney = Crazy Eddie
    Newt Gingrich = Cal Worthington
    Rick Santorum = "Madman" Muntz
    Ron Paul = Ron Paul

  • Biff

    This is a growth industry for me. I'll piss in your cup for $10. If you want passing results, slightly higher.

  • C_R_Eature

    Pee test for Poors policy implemented.

    Poors immediately buy up all the asparagus in the grocery stores.

  • fuflans

    in the war on drugs, drug testing is the out sourced contractors drinking jello shots off each other's asses.

  • Sassomatic

    I have a better idea than that. Let's test drugs ON the poor.

  • They're sure living up to their Go-Pee nickname.

  • TheGyrus

    Of course Mitt thinks that only rich people should be allowed to get high. Jackass.

  • DahBoner

    I stayed up all night studying for my drug test and all I got was some stupid little cup, I think they call that size Pequeno in European…

  • Tundra Grifter

    The airwaves belong to the public, right? Tv and radio stations obtain licenses to use the bands owned by everyone.

    So – let's drug test every talking head. They use the public airwaves for free, right?

    Let's see the ClusterFox lineup pee into a little cup.

  • barto

    Hey Mitt! Are you getting a tax deduction for your home loan(s)? Government benny, dude! Get in line for your testys!

  • BZ1

    who, prithee, gets to pay for the drug tests??

  • ttommyunger

    Let's just hoist a huge bucket under the tip of Florida and have 'Merika take a whiz in it, for fuck's sake, Mittens.

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