CPACALYPSE  5:55 pm February 9, 2012

A Children’s Treasury of CPAC Junk & Tchochkes

by Jim Newell

Day one at CPAC is over! Your Wonkette has already waited in line with Mark Block, the famous cigarette smoker, sat in a lounge near Pam Geller, and not had Internet access for hours at a time. Will you ever see this post, dear readers? Let’s hope for a lil’ CPAC internet connection magick.

Up top is a photo for a disturbing movie about how Barack Obama will nuke the earth, by which point no one will care. It’s a quirky comedy, maybe.

And oh, what passes for free literature here? WorldNetDaily has their little slaves roaming the CPAC building, passing out this Dildo Manifesto for free. We gave the guy money to take it back, didn’t work.

Here’s a shot of the big Occupy protests. Can you see all the people getting murdered everywhere, by Leftists?

Here’s a cupholder with some white supremacist children group’s logo on it, because why not?

We have “much more” but all of these lamers have ruined the Internet in Washington DC, so we’re going to go kill them all now and then take the country/Internet back, etc.

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 256 comments }

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Jim, so close to all that…ugh, don't get derpes, s'all I'm sayin'.

TanzbodenKoenig February 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

I hope he's wearin a condom, Breibart is known to be aggressive he should be prepared

Beowoof February 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Obama's America will be gone if he loses in 2012, instead we will be left with a conservative utopia similar to oh Germany in the 30's.

Angry_Marmot February 9, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Auf Wiedersehen… à bientôt…

DemmeFatale February 10, 2012 at 12:02 am

Oh, Baggers! You and your cultural amnesia!
It wasn't all wheel-barrows and loaves of bread, people!

(Obama=Hitler??!! Really??!!)

marinmaven February 10, 2012 at 1:16 am

Dammit…WTF? We were supposed to have a gloriously poignant and artistically relevant Weimar period with cafes and awesome cinema and degenerate art with our wheel barrels of money — before the facism.

memzilla February 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Good Lord, Jim, I'm not sure there's enough Lava Soap and eye bleach in the tri state area to clean off the wingtardity you're wading through. Fortunately, I'm sure your contract has a hazardous-duty bonus clause, right?

cheaphits February 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Remember what happened to Mitt's daddy!

ProgressiveInga February 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

" …passing out this Dildo Manifesto for free…"

Annie Sprinkle is a Teahadist? Who knew?

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 10:56 pm

The "Dildo Manifesto" would be much more useful than any "Tea Party Manifesto".

Callyson February 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I read that as "The Tea Party Manifesto: A Vision for America's Rich." Too true.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Funny, I read it as "The Tea Party Manifesto: A Vision for Aborted Afterbirth".

elviouslyqueer February 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

That can't be the real poster for Obama's America 2016. It doesn't have nearly enough swastikas, bananas, watermelons, and bones through the nose.

nounverb911 February 9, 2012 at 6:07 pm

The sequel featuring Moon Nazis will.

heathenette February 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm

2016? Does this mean they are giving up on 2012?! Might as well, considering what they have to offer.

GuanoFaucet February 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

The movie version of Farah's book will be called:

Rebirth of a Nation

nounverb911 February 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

It's more like "Afterbirth of a Nation".

Walkinwiddaking February 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Let's hope several klansmen were hurt in the making of that film.

Dimitrios_M February 10, 2012 at 1:12 am

I understand that during the thrilling Klan Hunt sequence a herd of Klansmen were stampeded over a cliff to their doom.

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Assholes has lodged a protest with the MPAA.

WhatTheHeck February 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

What to do. What to do. Those hooded robes are made from the finest Egyptian cotton. Sewn together by Chinese children.

James Michael Curley February 10, 2012 at 9:42 am

Silk, baby, silk! When the rally is over and its time for the tractor pull they switch to linen so the blood washes out easier.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

So you didn't get groped by Breitbart like Riley did?

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 6:06 pm

He hasn't gone through enough therapy to admit to it, yet.

Crank_Tango February 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Show us on the vodka bottle…

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Poor Jim; I hope he can get over his trauma.

chascates February 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm

It would be awesome if Jim humped Breitbart first.

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

We'll smell his shirt later..then nuke it from space, just to be sure.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I will not smell Breitbart's finger, though.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

"Show us on the doll where Mr Brietbart touched you, Jimmy."

DeeJayKitteh February 9, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Shouldn't the Dildo Manifesto have been passed out at the Conservative Dating seminar?

Callyson February 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

"Will America Allow One Man's Past to Redefine its Future"?!?
Um, how does one define that which is not known…?
…oh, how silly of me, everyone knows that America is mandated by GOD to be the world's hegemon, forever, unless Nobama has that beer summit with Osama bin Laden (what, you didn't know he's secretly still alive?) that he's planning for 2013…
Morans.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I think it's because Obama TEH MOST LIBERAL PRESIDENT EVAR even though he's to the right of every Democratic President from FDR to Carter and is TURNING AMERICCA SOCIALIST with moderate market-based reforms to health insurance. That and his being black, proving to the white supremacists that their day is done.

LesBontemps February 9, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Plus, he's, y'know, black … and blah … and near.

starfanglednut February 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Urban, also too.

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

They play the same card every time there's a Dem as President. You'd think the great unwashed would get a fucking clue. You'd think.

bflrtsplk February 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Not to mention that he's to the wrong – er – right of most Republican presidents before ta da ROOOOONNNNNNNNNAAALLLLLLLLLDDDDDD RRRRREEEEEAAAAGGGGGGAAAANNNNN!

lulzmonger February 9, 2012 at 10:19 pm

You forgot Poland morally weak.

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

The tipoff is that it is advertised as "Based on the New York Times bestseller by Dinesh D'Sousa"

So this is going to be more of the "Obama hates the west because Kenyan Anti-Colonialism, alienated angry young black man, some rubbish Dinesh D'Sousa pulled out of his ass, British Empire, affirmative action, Marxism, All Blacks Haka! Mau-Mau Rebellion, Mao-Mao Rebellion, Sepoy Mutiny, cricket, scones, Newt Gingrich on Belgian Congo…"

You know, the usual stuff. A bit predictable, really.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

To be fair, America did recently allow One Man's privileged, Legacy Admission, drunken, pigheaded, incurious Oedipal conflicted "Fortunate Son" Past to redefine its Future and it really didn't go all that well.

What? Oh, sorry. Not supposed to talk about That.

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Remember when one man totally changed America's future, forever, when he took out a petty vendetta against a random desert nation's leader who plotted to kill his daddy? And, Obama's the one with the daddy issues. lol

Yeah, we've never had one man's past redefine our nation's future.

Fuck you, very much, CPAC.

jus_wonderin February 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Newell is fighting them over theres, so WE don't have to fight them over heres.

heathenette February 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Thanks Jim. Gold star for you!

Pragmatist2 February 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Did you see if they had any Sarah Palin bobbleheads? Or is that redundant?

Biff February 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Ever since she pooped herself on the world stage, those bobbleheads seem a bit too tame.

fuflans February 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

so i see today is nazi appreciation day here at wonkette.

nounverb911 February 9, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Hitler?

Callyson February 10, 2012 at 1:51 am

No reason today should be different from any other day.

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Mark Block, Pam Gellar, Joseph Farrah — what, are the first-stringers not showing up until tomorrow?

Kidneys4Sale February 10, 2012 at 3:26 am

No matter how I try to attack this concept of a 'first string' among this clustermunge of virulent idiocy, I end up being massively offensive to some segment of the populace. Just now, for instance, I was giving morons who eat long dead, plague ridden pussy in tightly packed groups a bad name. This is to say nothing of how the smart ones must now feel. I deeply apologize.

AlterNewt February 9, 2012 at 6:06 pm

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that some sort of flesh-eating virus is running rampant throughout that place. No truth at all.

bumfug February 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

There was a brain-eating virus but it starved to death.

bagofmice February 9, 2012 at 8:50 pm

But what of hookworms?

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 9, 2012 at 9:15 pm

K-Lo didn't make it to the opening day?

anniegetyerfun February 10, 2012 at 11:28 am

But why hasn't anyone denied it?

fartknocker February 9, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Western Youth's website is lame. But it's interesting that the Google map shows it to be a juvenile correctional center for somewhere in North Carolina. I guess these are up and coming prison inmates Newt is recruiting.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Must be where they learn how to be janitors?

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Yes. Makes perfect sense that an Eastern state would host Western Youth.

MinAgain February 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

It says "American Rebirth", because no one in the Tea Party knew how to spell "renaissance".

Radiotherapy February 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I hear rebirth is almost as good as fetus and afterbirth.

Boojum_Reborn February 9, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Not if you marinate the fetus in absinthe and retsina, then wrap it in lightly salted afterbirth, flash fry it, and roll it in toasted pistachios.

Sharkey February 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm

There was supposed to be whipped cream.

YasserArraFeck February 9, 2012 at 11:59 pm

"Renaissance" sounds Euro and faggy, unlike good solid 'merkin "rebirth".
Kind of like "Bravo!" vs "Fuckin' A!!"

Respitetini February 10, 2012 at 9:33 am

But still, that's never stopped them before, has it?

James Michael Curley February 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

Renaissance is too French.

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

That's peen on the bottom half of that Nazi youth flag, right?

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Ribbed for their pleasure.

HempDogbane February 10, 2012 at 1:39 am

Think how awesome that flag would be with a little Cialis.

orygoon February 9, 2012 at 6:08 pm

My mom's SO is a heat-treating furnace guy, and we get gimmes from the annual heat treating convention in our stockings at Christmas, which is kind of quirky and fun. But please, please promise that you aren't going to do that to anybody with this crap.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I still haven't gotten my "iPhone" yet.

fuflans February 9, 2012 at 6:09 pm

will america allow one man's past to redefine it's future

if that one man is barack obama redefining the teabagging past of the last two years, sure. sounds pretty good.

chascates February 9, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Is anyone dressed up as one of the Founding Fathers? Cause that would be awesome.

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Nope. They're doing the Pounding Fathers this year.

Boojum_Reborn February 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Your Eminence?

Come here a minute February 9, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Now that Newell's back, Layne needs to hire an alt-text writer.

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I will apply for the jerb.

fuflans February 9, 2012 at 6:17 pm

i hope you have a lot of liquor wherever you are jim. first week back and they send you straight to hell.

which i will now link to if you are so inclinded and listen to in honor of jim newell's service to wonkette.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Be2pMMYNzQ8&fe

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Ah..never tire of the Clash. We need them ten-fold right now.

HarryButtle February 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

"CPAC. Shit, I was still at CPAC. Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I'd never want another. I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the Capitol like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Koch."

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

"Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way. Riley got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program."

TeaNuts February 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I went to CPAC and all i got was this loosy T-shirt, and cold sore.

Fare la Volpe February 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

And raped.

TeaNuts February 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I didn't say were the cold sore was, but, I would advice you NOT to bend over to pick up your pen!

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Must be staying in a suite next to Vitter.

Veritas78 February 9, 2012 at 6:19 pm

This movie has already won an Academy Award for being Schindler's List, and it's not even out yet? Well now we know who controls Hollywood!

Walkinwiddaking February 9, 2012 at 6:20 pm

That westernyouth group might wanna redesign the the handle of their battle axe, but… then again.

MightySix February 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

You know, it's not the size of the axe, it's how you swing it…

Boojum_Reborn February 9, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Their site is down. Who broke it?

SudsMcKenzie February 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Looks like Hopey is going to have an Academy Award to place next to his Nobel Prize.

General_Sherman February 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I read that as western ny youth.org, was worried I had a local hate group. I guess it being a national org isn't really any better.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

http://2016themovie.com/2016.html

FUCK! I have to wait until March 15 for more details. Dammit.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I see what you did there.

weej_bain February 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

♪♫ The ides of CPAC are upon you ♫♪

Boojum_Reborn February 9, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Are you ide-balling me, boy?

Radiotherapy February 9, 2012 at 8:21 pm

If this guy is such a visionary why doesn't he just release it now?
Sort of like Jeebus. If he was so omniscient and shit why didn't he give us a few clues?
You know, stuff like dinosaurs and eskimo's and heliocentrism and germ theory and card counting. On top of it, even his compassion and help the poor themes have been debased and disregarded by the religionists and wingtards anyway.

Data Exactly February 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm

That.

Protest.

Is.

ASTRONOMICAL.

IN.

SCOPE.

PuckStopsHere February 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm

They really put the shit in "free shit."

PeaceWithHonor February 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Those teabaggers sure know a good font when they see one.

starfanglednut February 9, 2012 at 9:22 pm

They think in Comic Sans.

CapnFatback February 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Or eight.

iburl February 9, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Pam Geller was great in Foxy Brown.

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

It's not CPAC until the furries show up.

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Angry_Marmot February 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Keep yiffin' that chicken.

LesBontemps February 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I find these images difficult to masturbate to.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

But they are on the internet? What other purpose do images on the internet serve?

Fare la Volpe February 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Don't come back without a cup of Breitfart's jizz in a cup.

I need it for some voodoo…stuff.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 9, 2012 at 7:02 pm

You are not teaching in LA?

yyyaz February 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Jeez, that's a lotta jizz. Jes sayin'.

ttommyunger February 9, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Breitbart only skeets.

Guppy February 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

That logo, boys and girls, is what is known as a fascio, from where we get the term "fascist."

The More You Know…

Lucidamente1 February 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

The scariest ten words in the English language: "Based on the New York Times Bestseller by Dinesh D'Souza."

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Based on a list of his works, it looks like the book must be "The Roots of Obama's Rage", which seems strange since Obama is known for always keeping cool and not showing anger. Then it hit me, of course, reality doesn't matter; he's and angry black man to wingnuts, because that's the stereotype.

I see another of his books was "The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11". Dude's not exactly connected to reality.

BarackMyWorld February 9, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Makes up to conservatives for being an immigrant by being twice as racist as your average white person.

IceCreamEmpress February 10, 2012 at 2:13 am

He thinks they won't notice.

He is mistaken. I have heard plenty of conservadouches make Quickie-Mart jokes behind his back.

trampndirtdown February 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Wingnuts just hate the NYT, but they lurve them some Bestseller list recognition.

Harry_S_Truman February 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I find this entry most enlightening. For instance, I never knew how to spell tchochkes before, but now I do. How cool.

James Michael Curley February 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

Not withstanding the traditional NY Yiddish, цацки (tschatschaki) in Russian is toys. цацкa in Russian is 'slatternly woman' (I have a very old Russian to English dictionary.)

johnnyzhivago February 9, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Hey – in that photo – who's that with a rifle on top of the grassy knoll?????????????

4TheTurnstiles February 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

only slightly OT, apropos of friends you make on DC Craigslist: anytime is a good time to rescue an animal
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/nva/for/284041

Catabite February 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Oh my god, ferrets! I hope they find good homes.

BZ1 February 9, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Based on the coloring book by Dinesh D'Souza, there fixed that…

Nostrildamus February 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

The Tea Party Manifesto:
A Vision of America's Afterbirth

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Wow, Schindler's List won Best Picture, many years ago.

Way to go, Schindler's List! My belated congratulations to you.

Joshua Norton February 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Needz moar fonts.

Crank_Tango February 9, 2012 at 9:07 pm

If anything EVER called for Comic Sans, it's this POS.

elburritodeluxe February 9, 2012 at 7:01 pm

That's wierd that Obama would be wearing a western-style suite and tie in 2016 and not an Islamic robe and head scarf.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Maybe the OWS crowd felt that throwing poop at CPAC was redundant?

slowhansolo February 10, 2012 at 10:09 am

Yes, and it's not like there wasn't already plenty of rats hanging about.

mmeetoilenoir February 9, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Yes, yes, you racist clowns. Show that nigg!r president with his head bowed in shame, because that's how those uppity colored people should always look. Amirite? What's next, a film version of that stupid "tell-all" book about Michelle O? Gotta show them nigra hoes workin' their nasty magic, after all!

I swear, I cannot with these clowns. I just can't.

ElPinche February 10, 2012 at 8:50 am

I have a solution , and it's called napalm.

snoopyfan2010 February 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I have a better solution…mass hybridization. We can call it Operation Swirly.

mavenmaven February 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

"A Vision For America's Rebirth" by a Foreigner

Angry_Marmot February 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Lou Gramm?

Barrelhse February 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

What a frightening place.
Any "uppies" of Geller?

CapnFatback February 9, 2012 at 7:25 pm

"Good lord. Why'd Jim take of picture of a deflated balloon swimming in cottage cheese?"

Biff February 9, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Sick bastard!

ttommyunger February 9, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Plenty, but that pee-crusted bush was too massive and unruly; could not see past it to that horse-collar of a cunt we know is in there somewhere.

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

So did they decide on whether Hot Nuke Death should rain down on Iran soon? Or 'Very soon'? And did they collectively mention "Strait of Hormuz" enough times for my gas tank top-off cost to double tomorrow? (BP only made $40billion in profits last year, needz moar corporate welfare!)

starfanglednut February 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm

They love to speak knowledgeably about the "Strait of Hormuz", despite the fact that they can't find the Middle East on a map.

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 11:55 pm

That's where the Hobbits live, isn't it?

weej_bain February 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Luv Tom Terrific Tancredo's Youth for Western Uncivilizednation logo. Is that a fasces in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

You oughtta check out their Fasces Book page.

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 12:07 am

Senator Vitter, are those feces in your pocket or are you just excited to see me?

CapnFatback February 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

2016 looks like it's gonna be another awesome conservative action flick like 300, only I guess with like nearly 7 times as many scantily-dressed homoerotic soldiers.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I think instead of 300 men wearing nothing but thongs it will be 2,016 men wearing nothing but tri-cornered hats.

CapnFatback February 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Gettin' together for some Continental Congress, no doubt.

Generation[redacted] February 10, 2012 at 1:12 am

I'm sure a dildo-wielding duck will figure into the plot somehow.

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Ah, Sparta! A Good Government success story for the ages. Looks like maybe now we'll battle the Persians to ensure our nation lasts forever!

Texan_Bulldog February 9, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Looks like the wing nuts figured out what 'sepia' is…

Also, I call total BS unless Jim shows us the booth with the white sheets and nooses for sale.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm

No pictures of the Reagan Reliquary? Where else can I buy actual finger bones of the Gipper?

BlueStateLibel February 9, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I hear Mittens is going to be addressing the crowd soon – talk about fireworks!

starfanglednut February 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Zzzzzzzz… What?

DocChaos February 9, 2012 at 7:59 pm

So Obama will still be President in 2016 -cool!

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Yeah, no doubt they are bowing their heads to the inevitable.

TanzbodenKoenig February 9, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Just remember if you use the bathroom do NOT go wide stance

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

"Tea Party Manifesto"? Farah, Tea Partiers can't read!

Boojum_Reborn February 9, 2012 at 8:48 pm

They thought it meant "man party" in Mexican.

ttommyunger February 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm

The only event I would be vaguely interested in would be the "Patriot-Off" headed up by Lee Greenwood singing his newly-minted hit: "I Am the Lamest Panderer In the Valley" followed by a duet featuring Toby "Teeth" Keith and Ted "Goober Breath" Nugent singing their newest release: "Get Them Niggers Out of Our White House, Or Else!" This will be capped off by Calista doing her version of the "Prong Dance" in an Asparagus patch behind the hotel complex. Can't wait for the video.

johnnyzhivago February 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm

What's the top line on that poster: "From the Designer of the Poster of the Academy Awarding Winning Schindler's List Comes a Movie Poster for this Piece of Crap"

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Is wishing for a Norovirus outbreak Wrong?

emmelemm February 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I'm thinking Ebola, myself.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Well… too much Collateral Damage, too hard to contain.

Listen, I've had a bout of the Norwalk Virus and it's not at all like being hit by a Mack Truck. It's like having your gastrointestinal system hit by a full bore Marine Amphibious Invasion. A fevered, Projectile vomiting, Explosively diarrhetic 24 hour long Invasion. About 3 hours in you really think that, hey, maybe death won't be all that bad. It's probably not an exaggeration to say that Pedialite saved my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I think it would be perfect for these people.

emmelemm February 9, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Your points are well-made and well-taken. Norovirus it is.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 10:36 pm

A wise choice and you won't be sorry. Imagine Sarah Palin completely losing control of all bodily functions at the podium. Clips Posted to YouTube.
Oh, the Humanities.

I would just stay well away, and keep washing your hands. Mom was right about that.

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 12:11 am

They're already infected with the Norquistvirus

MissNancyPriss February 10, 2012 at 12:59 am

Norovirus, then?

lulzmonger February 9, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Nomenclature-wise, I think a wave of necrotizing fasciitis is more appropriate.

BONUS: afterward, survivors can pretend they got stumpy while serving in Fallujah!

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Can't we have both?

"fasciitis". Nice!

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 12:13 am

Necrotizing fascistis

C_R_Eature February 10, 2012 at 7:15 am

"Nazitizing fascistis" = Dinesh D'Sousa', desperately attempting to combine Clever and Dog Whistle in his latest destined-to-be-given-away-free-with-Newsmax-subscription straight to DVD movie.

glamourdammerung February 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm

It would certainly improve their general demeanor.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm

The things coming out of their mouths would be a lot less offensive, also.

IceCreamEmpress February 10, 2012 at 2:16 am

If it's wrong, I don't want to be right.

Wait, I don't want to be Right!

Anyway, assholes spewing shit all over is just business as usual for CPAC. Nobody would notice a little extra norovirus.

C_R_Eature February 10, 2012 at 7:09 am

The venue would smell exactly the same, too.

DarwinianDemon February 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I've never even heard of 2016…is that getting wide release? The question I want answered is: who does the best boy on Schindlers List support?

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Pretty sure Breitbart "did' the Best Boy.

bagofmice February 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm

The fuck?

That subheading is tautological! In order to redefine something you must first define it. This means that by definition, a re definition requires a past definition, which implies a past exists. The only way you can redefine is to have a memory, so that you can generate a delta betwixt the past and the present. If nothing changed time would cease to exist.

The very concept of memory means that you let the past effect your decisions. Cognition 101.

Sweet Jesus, if they just went base Atwater they would sound more intelligent.

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 10:12 pm

They already defined the future. In 1950. Stop redefining, you redefiner!

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 8:56 pm

FROM ONE OF THE LIGHTING DIRECTORS OF THE LAST EMPEREOR

Might as well admit "Okay, I also financed Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Big deal."

Sharkey February 9, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Woodley Park used to be a nice neighborhood until…

bagofmice February 9, 2012 at 9:02 pm

The fuck? Seriously, it gets stupider the more I think.

reginagreene February 9, 2012 at 9:04 pm

You know, some one told me about this paper and I couldnt belive it when they told me about it. Why do you think your funny!!! You think this is just a big joke but FREEDOM isnt a joke, its what matters if you want to have LIBERTY!!! Im not saying that I like all conserviatives cause if Milt rommey gets elected, hell fire you and take your money and give it to his RICH FIENDS, and if Santorom gets elected he will shove the bible down your throat and make you do what his priest friedns tell you to do, but Obamma and his gal pal Peloosi are even worse because they will take your FREEDOM!!! If you care about your life you should vote for RON PAUL!!! GIVE ME LIBERTY AND GIVE ME DEATH!!!!

ElPinche February 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm

GIVE ME FAYGO MOON MIST OR GIVE MEH DEATH!!! WOO WOO WOO!!

iburl February 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm

CPAC Sickness. CPAC Shakur. CPACted Colon.

Just trying to help the Chryon writers out there tonight.

This one is ironic: Say no evil, hear no evil, CPAC no evil.

valgal2342 February 9, 2012 at 9:49 pm

My Gawd, are you Wonketteers on duty having fun or what?

Jeffer February 9, 2012 at 9:49 pm

This will be the last Non-Barb, Barb Update:
They kept her for one more night. At this point her pain has gotten better, she's off the morphine drip and on Percocet. She's made remarkable progress today. As far as I can tell, she's meeting all the objectives needed to be released. She's determined to get out tomorrow morning. I'm preparing to face the bureaucratic nightmare that is getting out of the hospital.

Barb just texted me that the night nurse says everything looks good, and has gone to get her pain meds. That rates a double "Huzzah"!

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Yay; tell her we miss her over here.

emmelemm February 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Thanks for the update. Hooray for pain pills.

trampndirtdown February 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Thanks for the news get some rest.

DemmeFatale February 9, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I'm so relieved that our Barb is feeling better!
Tell her not be "tough" or "brave," and to take all the pain meds she wants.

Reminds me of a story.
My husband was on his final morphine pump while recovering from abdominal surgery. Desperate for every drop, he angrily had me tip the pump to make sure he was getting it all. The nurse saw me, rolled her eyes, and said: "They always get cranky when their morphine runs out."

Radiotherapy February 10, 2012 at 12:16 am

Thanks for your diligent correspondence Jeffers. You know she is the doyenne of this rather sophisticated cyber community. You should hang around too. And enjoy the sparkling wit your sweet wife offers while we are amazed and are left to riff on her brilliant comments.

MissNancyPriss February 10, 2012 at 12:58 am

Aw, come back and bring the morphine drip with you

IceCreamEmpress February 10, 2012 at 2:17 am

Yay! Go, Barb!

You get some rest yourself, cowboy. You're a mensch.

HistoriCat February 10, 2012 at 9:48 am

Yay! Still waiting for some Percocet-infused Barb comments. They will be golden.

Barb February 10, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Wanna see my scar?

HistoriCat February 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm

You are such a tease!

Welcome back – we missed you.

Sharkey February 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm

CP AC/DC is doing the afterparty.

rocktonsam February 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm

how can it be American Rebirth when its Halftime in America?

alcohol don't fail me now

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Only Madonna can pull that off. I'm no fan, but she's a helluva performer!

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I thought it was Clint Eastwood trying to pull that off?

Generation[redacted] February 10, 2012 at 1:07 am

Oh, right. Madonna was the American Afterbirth.

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 12:15 am

America's just between contractions – the birthin' will commence in the second half

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 10:11 pm

OT: I'm watching "Mudcats" on the History Channel for some reason, and heard this:

Hailing from a hand-fishin' dynasty…

…and then I died a little inside.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 10:44 pm

A "Hand Fishing Dynasty"?

Isn't Natural Selection supposed to work towards eliminating people who like to lie in muddy rivers and jam their hands into giant spiky carnivorous fish for fun?
We're running out the clock on this Civilization, you know.

Generation[redacted] February 10, 2012 at 1:06 am

Born a privileged scion of… ummmm… Is it fair that 1% of the hand fishers get 99% of the mud? #OccupySwamp

Limeylizzie February 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Hey Wonketteers, another Barb update , by way of Jeff, she is still in the hospital , but doing better, just not up to posting on Wonkette just yet, I guess she is putting her health before you losers!

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Good to know. I am just gonna hang out here waiting to experience pain-killer Barb. Feel better soon, Barb!

weej_bain February 10, 2012 at 6:34 am

Get your rest Barb. We understand there are times you'd rather chill with Sister Morphine than we dolts.

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

The tea party wants a reborn America, all right…reborn as Frankenstein's monster.

FakaktaSouth February 9, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I imagine a hall filled with people bumping into walls, their clothes on inside out and yelling at no one about things that don't exist, next to another hall filled with scooter only access and mega-sized McDonalds fries to go with their Big Gulps and slankets. And these are the people who are able to leave the house and get all the way to CPAC, which I keep reading as CPAP, like the breathing machines for people who can't do that 'cause of the apnea.

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 11:59 pm

I keep reading CPAP too! and you're making me LOL with your Ken Kesey vision of CPAC.

Limeylizzie February 9, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Silent hoot-out to Owls, my beloved winged friend, hope all is well, miss you .

user-of-owls February 10, 2012 at 5:17 am

*whirrrr*

All is well and I miss you too. Along with all the hilarious, deranged and loving payasos here. Well, most of them. ;) I hover over this stoat float most days and touch down here and there, so think of me as a part-time peurilist that's always thinking unclean thoughts about you.

*whirrrr*

Extemporanus February 10, 2012 at 7:47 am

Owl-oha, brah, and mah-owl-o for the fly-by. Hawaii the hell are ya?

I flashed our ol' Rat-Signal meme the other day (comment happy number 28), but quite understandably, it wasn't bright enough to Ollie Ollie The Ox-en free you.

Briefly (Briefly? Me?! HAHA!), I just wanted to let you know how heartening it is to hear that you're hanging tough and hoot-lessly hovering above, and to say that though your raptor-ous wit might be soaring-ly missed, taking wing from our Wonkette does wonders for the soul (as a wise old user like yourself is well aware), and is to be be strongly encouraged.

I'm way, way overdue for another long walk myself…

I very nearly chimed in to say essentially the same on a buried back-and-forth you recently shared with dear Dewey (his "purging of toxins" analogy was dead on), but ultimately realized that it really wasn't my conversation in on which to butt. And, umm, because I have no fucking idea where the rest of this dumb reply is going, or how to elegantly bring it to an end, I'll just add, in closing and summation: "COW, NEGRO, DOG, ALL DIE".

user-of-owls February 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Did I ever tell you about this guy named Mario Buda?

I did see the bait last night but couldn't spit up a vole's worth of wit in response. I did, however, grin mightily, which is no mean feat with a beak. So many insider gems, so few veterans. All one can say is, errrr, errrr.

And as to your posterior, do plant it freely anywhere. Those back-alley ablutions are not private, just put in a place that doesn't put a rag in the tail pipe of more active machinations. As a Former Gin-Soaked Trotskyite Popinjay-American, I extend a hearty bienvenidos to the back pages. Seriously (ha ha. HA HA HA!), the more the merrier, it does a damaged soul good to know he has people who care. A lot of good.

Next Year in Jepoopylem,

User Of
The Owl

lulzmonger February 9, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Reborn America a la Teabaggers: more like Rosemary's Baby or the delivery-room scene from the "V" miniseries?

Discuss.

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 11:01 pm

The Chest Burster scene from "Alien".
-or-
The birth of the Whateley twins from The Dunwich Horror?

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Children of the Corn (syrup)?

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Tweedledee or Tweedledummer?

ElPinche February 10, 2012 at 1:00 am

The diarrhea scene in Dumb and Dumber.

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I think that CPAC would be the perfect setting for a zombie movie.

glamourdammerung February 9, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Other than a lack of bigotry, would there be a difference?

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Wouldn't need to hire any extras, for one thing.

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 12:17 am

Two groups of lost souls just crying out for some brains

ShaveTheWhales February 10, 2012 at 1:21 am

Nah, the zombies would be going "BRAAIIIINSS! BRAAIIINNNS! Wait, what the fuck?" And then go lurching out the door in disgust.

glamourdammerung February 9, 2012 at 11:11 pm

I wonder how many copies of Dinesh D'Sousa's screed Dinesh D'Sousa bought to get on a bestseller list.

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 11:55 pm

I googled his name and even the non-jeebus righties (the ones that know what "fact checking" means) don't like him. http://secularright.org/SR/wordpress/2010/09/27/d

tribbzthesquidz February 10, 2012 at 1:00 am

At least 1,500 of those are on his own Kindle.

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Well, Jim, you are close to Madams Organ, so I am sure you will be able to find some sane people afterwards.

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 12:18 am

"Madams Organ" – never heard that one before, but brilliant.

Sharkey February 10, 2012 at 12:05 am

Wait, Chachi was there? Was Fonzie with him?

ElPinche February 10, 2012 at 12:58 am

oh god, chachi , the scrappy doo of happy days. fuck that asshole.

Designer_Rants February 10, 2012 at 12:36 am

OT: but must be shared:
Wing Nut Daily sez "20% OF REPUBS VOTING OBUMMERZ"
*clutching pearls, wringing hands, calling priest, some sharting* http://www.politicususa.com/en/republicans-suppor

Designer_Rants February 10, 2012 at 1:11 am

Don't worry, nutters. Here's what will probably happen:

After one of your goofs gets the nom the hundreds of millions in "super" PAC money will focus on Obummer. He'll still squeak-win the popular vote, but the electoral college will come down to 600 hanging chads in America's Penis. The SCOTUS will vote 5-4 for your Goof In Chief. We'll start 2 new Mid-East wars and run the debt up to $30tril. Bankruptcy will be swift yet patriotic as China cashes in their chips. We'll be forced to adopt our Favorite Trading Partner's totalitarian communism system, but it'll be AMMURRICUN COMMIENIZM, DAMMIT! *

*Just trying not to get my hopes up.

Generation[redacted] February 10, 2012 at 12:58 am

2016: Joe Biden wins a big fucking election. Mitt Romney comes in 2nd again.

YasserArraFeck February 10, 2012 at 1:26 am

I went to the "CPAC 2012" site to see where it was being held. Damn – the Marriott Wardman Park. I like that place, but I fear they'll never get the stink of so many douchebags* out of it. I'll have to find somewhere else to stay.
* I took a look at the list of speakers – OMFG, what a Black Hole of Fuck – I'm surprised that such a critical mass of TardBile doesn't just burn its way down to the Earths core. Actually – that wouldn't be bad – we could build a railing around the newly formed steaming chasm in Woodley Park and make it a tourist attraction – the Grand Cuntyon.

DerrickWildcat February 10, 2012 at 1:30 am
MadBrahms February 10, 2012 at 2:05 am

The "Tea Party Manifesto"? Somehow I'm guessing the writing is less "spectre haunting Europe" and more "ransom note constructed out of letters ripped from Guns and Ammo"

Callyson February 10, 2012 at 2:12 am

Speaking of CPAC dicks…
Some Cranky Guy at CPAC Says Rachel Maddow is Best Argument in Favor of Contraception
Cal Thomas, conservative pundit who believes that Rachel Maddow's very existence is a great argument in favor of contraception… for Rachel Maddow's parents http://jezebel.com/5883853/some-cranky-guy-at-cpa
Asshole.

IceCreamEmpress February 10, 2012 at 2:19 am

Holy fuck, Young Dr. Maddow is the best argument for parents making more adorable lesbians!

Negropolis February 10, 2012 at 2:50 am

Cal Thomas is the worst. Really. I can't believe his shit gets published in newspapers.

C_R_Eature February 10, 2012 at 7:43 am

Cal Thomas is* a shriveled-souled bag of bile, rage, personal failure and unfounded self aggrandizement who, were it not for his Hate Screeds small usefulness in the Wingnut Welfare propaganda media continuum, would not be trusted to transcribe obituaries without constant supervision.

He's a man so unpleasant that every time he opens his mouth to speak, his Gut Flora cringe in embarrassment and attempt to Bail Out. He can lower the collected I.Q. of an entire city just by landing on the tarmac.
In any rational world millions of spermatozoa would have committed graphic suicide rather than combine with that vile sac of evil genetic material that was the ovum responsible for creating the poisonous blastocyst which de-evolved into the disgusting animal we're now forced to share the Earth's precious atmosphere with.

This creature's very existence is a horrid stain on the otherwise noblilty of Homo sapiens and a strong argument for the premise that Intelligence is not necessarily a long term species survival factor.

Well, aren't I the nice one today? I'll try to more accurately describe Mr. Thomas when I'm more awake, and crankier.

*In My Opinion, of course.

Post Script: He should be forever prohibited, by force of Law, from pronouncing the words "Rachel" and "Maddow" unless they are accompanied by the phrase 'I'm Sorry."

CapnFatback February 10, 2012 at 9:26 am

Of course, if he directed that comment at himself and posted it in this thread, he'd get like seventy upfists.

Still, even then it'd be lazy snark. But ad hominem attacks on strong women–strong, liberal, GAY women, especially–are just the morphine drip the patients at the CPAC M*A*S*H unit need to hold at bay the pain of not being able to refute Maddow's comments with intelligent debate.

DarwinianDemon February 10, 2012 at 2:51 am

Producer of Oscar winning movie about heroism in the face of irrational bigotry produces movie of irrational bigotry. Well done, douchebag.

DerrickWildcat February 10, 2012 at 3:04 am

Obama's America 2016?
Does this mean they have already conceded the election?

Extemporanus February 10, 2012 at 8:00 am

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh my god, you guys, I finally fucking got it!

Like "Wonkette", there are two 'T's in "tchotchke", but in the headline, it's spelled with only one!

Jim, that was brilliant! Really, dude, just too, too funny…

Negropolis February 10, 2012 at 8:26 am

You. Are. Horrible.

CapnFatback February 10, 2012 at 9:36 am

Jim doesn't read my comments.

*kicks at ground and mopes*

Mahousu February 10, 2012 at 8:48 am

If Obama's past is redefining our future, does that mean all of the U.S. is going to become like Hawaii? Sweet!

Oh, wait, I mean all of the U.S. is going to become like Kenya. But really, that would be awesome, too.

DahBoner February 10, 2012 at 8:53 am

No internet? Where is this? The Amazon?

At least you always have Ayahuasaca for entertainment…

Ruhe February 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

Tristan Tzara wrote a manifesto. Is he the grandfather of the teaparty?

"I'm writing this manifesto to show that you can perform contrary actions at the same time, in one single, fresh breath; I am against action; as for continual contradiction, and affirmation too, I am neither for nor against them, and I won't explain myself because I hate common sense."

Monsieur_Grumpe February 10, 2012 at 9:11 am

I imagine attending the CPAC is akin to going to the dentist when there is nothing wrong with your teeth and having him drill some holes for practice… with no Novocain.

freakishlywrong February 10, 2012 at 9:16 am

Have Brooks or Noonan checked in yet and written about how the President has failed to "reach across the aisle"? How he is "aloof" and doesn't sufficiently compromise with Republicans?
We had sitting Senators and Congressmen yesterday proclaiming that he is a "terrible President" and "somethingsomething South African Constitution". (Rubio). King referred to the House office building janitors during Pelosi's time as speaker as her "Stasi troops". "Look, the Obama presidency has been a disappointing failure. He should have taken steps immediately to restore confidence in the American economy." Paul,(Uh, seen corporate profits and the stockmarket, asshole)? Ryan, (introduced by that non-partisan stalwart, Joe Scarbourough)."I have a question, a question for the president: Do you hate all rich people, or just rich people who don't contribute to your campaign?" Sen. Rand.

"Compromise works well in this world when you have shared goals." You can compromise with a wife or with a business colleague. But not with
Democrats: "We don't have shared goals with the Democrats. DeMint.

These are elected members of our Government. This shit should be derided and denounced as hate speech, as it would were this Democrats saying
this about a Republican. Instead, it's celebrated and breatlessly analyzed by an adoring media.
"Both sides do it." What a fucking disgrace.

thefrontpage February 10, 2012 at 9:47 am

These groups, too, have booths at CPAC this weekend, according to CPAC Spokesman Larry Craig. Be sure to stop by these booths at CPAC and enter their raffles for fabulous prizes:

1. Trojan.

2. KY Jelly.

3. Vivid Video.

4. Playgirl magazine.

5. Barely Legal magazine.

6. Twinks! magazine.

7. Playboy.

8. Penthouse.

9. Jugs

10. Hustler.

11. Ron Jeremy Productions, Inc.

12. Jenna Jamison Productions, Inc.

13, Viagra.

14. Gluttius Film Productions, Inc., producers of "Left Behind V."

15. Edible Underwear, Inc.

16. Planned Parenthood.

17. Move On.

18. Greenpeace.

19. PETA.

20. The American Civil Liberties Union.

21. AFL-CIO.

22. The Ted Kennedy Foundation.

23. The Jane Fonda Foundation.

24. The Elton John Foundation.

25. GLAAD.

comrad_darkness February 10, 2012 at 10:14 am

What is this cult of the personality shit from the wingers?

James Michael Curley February 10, 2012 at 9:53 am

And no Kurt Weill.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: