WALMERICA'S GREATEST HEROES  4:10 pm February 9, 2012

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC

by Garrett Quinn

'Is there a Taco Bar? I was told there would be a Taco Bar.'What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher?

Yes, and this is the story, courtesy of the Happygrrls’ “People we used to care about” feature:

Kirk, who played Mike Seaver on “Growing Pains” (1985) and is the older brother of Candace, is a devout Christian who starred in Left Behind (2000), Left Behind II (2002), and Left Behind IV (2004), a series of straight-to-video movies about the second coming of Christ. He adopted a whole bunch of children with his wife, Chelsea Noble (who played Kate on Growing Pains), and started The Firefly Foundation, which sponsors camping trips for terminally ill children. He’s currently working for Living Waters, a fundamentalist Christian church ….

Kirk’s still heavily involved with the Way of the Master and writes updates on the site frequently, most of which have to do with him trying to coerce people into joining his church.

“Way of the Master” is a BDSM “Dungeons and Dragons”-style adults-only role-playing game with real goblins from Hell and a talking dildo demon (Pat Sajak).

Photo by Garrett Quinn. Text made up by a Wonkette editor.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 201 comments }

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Way of the masturbators more like.

GunToting[Redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm

He wasn't in LBIII?!? What happened, contract impasse?

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

What an idiot! Everybody knows that LBIII is the Dark Knight of the LP franchise.

GunToting[Redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Oh! Is that the one where they introduced the bumbling, ethnic-talking character who the original fans all hated?

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Joe Pesci?

ProgressiveInga February 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Joe Biden?

40 or 50 % McShineys February 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Jar Jar Jesus?

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Short Round?

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Cousin Oliver?

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Pete Hoekstra?

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Donkey?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 4:18 pm

He was late to catch the cast bus out to the location and was, uh, left behind.

guangho February 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Will save souls for food.

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Will save souls for $5 off coupons at the buffet.

Crank_Tango February 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Jews in Hollywood.

nounverb911 February 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Is "Joe the Unlicensed Plumber" plumbing the depths of Kirk Cameron?

LesBontemps February 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Can I just say, ew.

Beowoof February 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

That would imply Joe is the top, something I highly doubt.

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Is that a plumber's crack?

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Plumber's crack is pretty bad, but at the current time, plumber's meth is absolutely devastating the community.

PlanetWingNut February 10, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Nounverb911 depends if you believe this or not:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wf1qTCpHKR0/TzU9EKdaLvI

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

CAPTION:

Joe the Plumber gives tips to Kirk Cameron on how to stay relevant in the '10s.

OzoneTom February 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Needz moar BIBLEMAN!

nounverb911 February 9, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Needs more Ish Kabibble.

smokefilledroommate February 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

mmmm Ishkabibble's (Philly) cheese fries were a big part of my youth.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I'ma slap the ish right out of him.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:19 pm

No, Bibleman was Buddy from Charles in Charge; I think you're mixing up your crappy 80s sitcom starts turned fundamentalist nutcases.

OzoneTom February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Oh yeah, Willie Ames. All of those white boys look the same to me.

smokefilledroommate February 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Wow, apparently he works on a cruise line now.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Is he going to run for Congress from Iowa next?

Biff February 9, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Assistant Cruise Director? So he works under some modern-day Julie McCoy, who looks remarkably like Sharrrron Angle these days?

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

BIBLEMAN! Starring Renier Wolfcastle

"Up and Adam!"
"Zee goggles, zey do notheeng!"

Baconzgood February 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

NEEDZ MOAR JEREMY MILLER!!!!!!!!

Harry_S_Truman February 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Needz moar Ron Jeremy.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Um. Ew?

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

BTW, Garrett?

Calling Cameron a "teen heart throb" is like calling Roseanne Barr a "pin up idol."

Numbat_Dundee February 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

This then makes him a plumbers' friend.

ThundercatHo February 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I thought the thingy one uses to unclog a toilet was called a plumber's helper. Whatever, shit sucker, same diff.

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Christian pron films have funny names.

WhatTheHeck February 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

They felt “Left cheek” was too overt.

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Sounds to me more like a snuff film with a huge cast.

marinmaven February 10, 2012 at 1:27 am

Don't laugh. End times erotica is a real genre.

CrunchyKnee February 9, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Did Wurzelbacher sleep in that jacket?

nounverb911 February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

No, the homeless man he stole it from did.

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Andrew BiteBart?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

That's a real good picture of Cameron, though.

Geminisunmars February 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Better than he's looked for a long time, eh?

Trannysurprise February 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

They are just role playing in "Way of the Master." Now if their black friend would just show up they could get on with it.

bumfug February 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Kirk must have left his beard, uh, I mean wife, home so he could take a walk on the wild side with Joe.

hagajim February 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Is ol' Sammy maybe trying out for the talking dildo demon part?

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I've been waiting for this ALL day. Rawr!

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Oh I'm sure you had all of Cameron's Tiger Beat covers back when you were a teenaged girl; half the girls in my seventh and eighth grade class did.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I totally did! Although I did think Boner was cuter than Mike. Poor Boner, RIP.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Yeah, poor Koening; suicidal depression sucks.

It's embarrassing to admit, but I also had a thing for his sister on Full House back in the day. It looks like she's a fundie wingnut now too, so no.

ChernobylSoup February 9, 2012 at 4:19 pm

The irrelevance, it… well it does nothing, nothing at all.

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Yes, and these two stand out for being more irrelevant than most.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Like yet another irrelevant person once said, "who are all these people"?

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Could it be that someone paid Wurzelbacher's way to CPAC? Who would be so stupid?
Could it be that Wurzelbacher paid his own way to CPAC?
Well, he is that stupid.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

His plumbing repair company has really taken off since congress passed the stimulus, so he can afford to go to these things and participate in the Obama hate.

HistoriCat February 9, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Well now that he's running for Congress (snerk) his campaign is paying him a salary. Who says a futile campaign is worthless?

Biff February 9, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Oh for fuck's sake! $60K P/A is a pretty good grift, for a trailer-trash wannabe plumber.

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Okay, FML. I think I'd willing to run for Congress for a cool 5K a month. The panhandling's not been working out.

Joshua Norton February 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron

Worst gay porn. Ever.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron

Oh look! Half of Can't Halen is reuniting!

YasserArraFeck February 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Joe the 'Plumber' "layin' some pipe"

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Needz moar BONER!

FakaktaSouth February 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Aw, poor dead Boner. Hey Mistuh Seavuh! good times, good times. But him being dead makes it sad now. Like anything John Kennedy, Jr related.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Speaking of dead boners…

TOO SOON?

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

He's dead, Jim.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Is that a comment or a request?

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Both.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Well I've upfisted to give you some more P-ness.

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm

This thread reminded me of one of my 80s TV crushes: Danny Pintauro. Wondering what he was up to now (if anything), I googled him & *sigh* according to wikipedia, he started shilling Tupperware last year. We're both a year apart in age, so I was curious as to what he looks like now, clicked on images and…..ummm, oh my…..uhhh….some NSFW. Think I'll go upstairs for awhile…

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I always thought Boner was cuter. I never got the appeal of Kirk. I guess it was just personal preference.

elburritodeluxe February 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Ever hire a plumber? A good one can pull in some serious coin. A crap one tries to get work as a bottom-feeding conservative talking head.

savethispatient February 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Looks like "Joe" spent his Obama tax cut on a new jacket.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

From the Carhartt Casual Collection, apparently.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Why don't you explain how bananas disprove evolution again, Kirk?

DerrickWildcat February 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Exactly what i was thinking.
Here's the awesome Kirk Cameron vs the Banana video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z-OLG0KyR4

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

The funny thing is, modern bananas are the product of intelligent design – the thing is, as with most domestic crops and animals, it was intelligent design by humans, also calling breeding.

DerrickWildcat February 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Atheists should not watch the video because their heads will asplode.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

With laughter, yes.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Does Kirk Cameron have anything to do with design? I know he doesn't have anything to do with intelligent.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Why doesn't my mango fit my hand, damnit?

imissopus February 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

CPAC? That wasn't taken at a Mensa meeting?

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

If you define "at" as " far away as humanly possible, oh God please don't let those morons know where we are!" then yes.

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

The fact that Herb Cain isn't in the picture, didn't give you a clue?

mrblifil February 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Anybody care to ask this troglodyte if he's related to the Wurzelbacher who was part of the Keating Five scandal (which touched John McCain, Wurzelbacher's eventual patron)? I mean he's sitting right there and all. He's never been asked as far as I can tell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAzDEbVFcg8
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/13/arts/television

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Actually, he was, in 2008. And yes, that's a link to Malkin.

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Not even Jesus can get you a paying gig, huh Kirk?

elviouslyqueer February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Hmm. From "Growing Pains" to Jesus's Second Coming. Nope, no gay subtext there.

Indiepalin February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Kirk is still steaming that he was dropped from the cast of "Left Behind III" and replaced by a heaping pile of dog shit.

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

The dogshit gave a convincing performance.

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Heaping pile of dog shit… oh so that's where the title comes from.

mavenmaven February 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

"blah blah blah GINGER"

C_R_Eature February 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

"…what they Hear."

smokefilledroommate February 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Where's Stephen Baldwin?

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Stephen's out skateboarding with the cool conservatives.

Okay, he's doing ollies by himself in the alley by the dumpster.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Doesn't either Ollie mind?

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

"You want the American Freedom Award, don't you?"

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

He and Pauly Shore are out pitching the plot to Bio Dome II: Electric Bugaloo

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Hollywood's been asking that for years.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Unfortunately Way Of The Master doesn't unleash the power of Hades as awesomely as Grepolis 2.0.

Radiotherapy February 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

"Let's play hide the lightbulb."

Tx to Chet K.

smokefilledroommate February 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Left Behind II: Left Behinder

Mumbletypeg February 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Yeah Kirk's the ultraFundie, but I'm having trouble remembering what Xtian affiliation Wurzelbacher makes claim to. .. Oh right, it's Episcopalian a.k.a. Church of the Holy "Comforter."

littlebigdaddy February 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

The inventor of sherry hour.

prommie February 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Manhattans are very comforting.

MosesInvests February 9, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Cake, or death?!?!

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I have a Holey Comforter on my bed.

elburritodeluxe February 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

He's not a plumber and his name's not even Joe! America, meet Ohio's soon-to-be 9th District Rep. http://www.joeforcongress2012.com

ThundercatHo February 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

He's running in my district for the Repug nomination. I swear to (insert favorite deity here or not) if my gag reflex wasn't working I'd run against him. Democratic contenders are Dennis Kuscinich and Marcy Kaptur. Gerrymandering/redisctricting courtesy of Gov. Kasich and friends.

jus_wonderin February 9, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"Well, it's like this Kirk. First you insert the plumbing snake into the drainpipe. And then, you turn this crank on the side. And then, you got some time on your hands as you continue to crank. And, ya see, the art and the irony of it all, you just can't know exactly when you get to the clog. You have to have faith."

bagofmice February 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Did you hand him a bananna?

Respitetini February 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm

That picture is ripe for slash fanfiction. Or maybe just a "missed connection" ad on the Craigslist.

WhatTheHeck February 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Its a sad day when Kirk and Joe are more popular at a CPAC than a Sarah.

SenileAgitation February 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Wait for Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter to duet in "Strap On Rage!" It will be plenty popular.

CapnFatback February 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Show me that smile again . . .

smokefilledroommate February 9, 2012 at 4:44 pm

*barf*

teebob2000 February 9, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Tell me more about this so-called "Left Behind" direct-to-video series. Gay pron, is it?

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Kirk's fundamentalism also apparently made working on Growing Pains hell for the rest of the show's cast and crew; see number 2:
http://www.cracked.com/article/135_6-beloved-tv-s

teebob2000 February 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I could have sworn the talking demon dildo was Wink Martindale. I always get gameshow hosts mixed up anyhow.

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Oh for fuck's sake.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Kirk KKKameron's Firefly Foundation? JOSS WHEDON LIBEL!!!!

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 5:00 pm

SERENITY NOW!!!1!

Jukesgrrl February 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

From Kirk's Wikipedia page: "Speaking at a debate on the existence of God at Calvary Baptist Church in Manhattan … Cameron cites the lack of a "crocoduck" as evidence against evolution."

I think it's perfectly possible he's finally met his crocoduck.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Uh, it's called an Archaeopteryx, moran.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Lies! I just saw a crocoduck during lunch. Oh wait, that was a crakawhore. My bad!

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Cameron's "crocoshit" is strong evidence against human evolution.

spinozasgod February 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

the platypus?….seriously, isn't that an odd enough combo?

how about dolphins?:
Called “re-entrants,” dolphins once lived on land and looked and behaved something like a small wolf but with five hoof-like toes on each foot instead claws. Some dolphins still have hair on their heads and the Amazon River dolphin has hair on its beak. Dolphins also have remnant finger bones in their flippers, a forearm, wrists, and a few remnant leg bones deep inside their bodies.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Phil Gingerich, is that you?

Biff February 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

So dolphins are Devo?

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 9:49 pm

I was surprised to read that the other day! When you start *trying, feebly* to imagine the geological and evolutionary timescales of wolves turning into dolphins (first it was just sticking their toes into the baby pool, then it was "Marco Polo", then it was blow holes, then it was fuckin' Flipper!, THEN it was freshwater to seawater!), or of continents scooching away, coming together, rinse-repeat 2 or 3 times… Ugh, I just realized how insignificant every person is, again.
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn21441-most-

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

What about the chickengator?

valgal2342 February 9, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Joe the Plumber – the kid on McCain's lawn who just won't go away.

chicken_thief February 9, 2012 at 4:43 pm

"…camping trips for terminally ill children…"

How convenient. The little fuckers die and he could plant them right there.

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

ct:

I was thinking along the same lines – don't waste money buying a round trip ticket.

chicken_thief February 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Think he refunded any prepaid but, uh, “unused” time?

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

It does sound rather Sandusky-esque, doesn't it?

prommie February 9, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Dead kids tell no tales.

Biff February 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I was gonna say two kids can keep a secret if both of them are dead.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Poor kids, as if their little lives aren't already tough, now Kirk Cameron is making them go through an in tents experience.

elburritodeluxe February 9, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I guess he was too coked out to make time to star in Left Behind III: Nerds in Paradise.

BlueStateLibel February 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

This whole CPAC can be shipped to Afghanistan; no one has lost anything. Or, to put it another way for you librul elites, it is "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

There are certainly a lot of tales told by idiots there.

fuflans February 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

ahem. i believe the ACTUAL quote is:

'…can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any'.

it is important to quote the canon correctly.

widestanceshakedown February 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I think they're discussing who will give who the preacharound.

johnnymeatworth February 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Wow, who lent Wurzelbacher the money for the CPAC registration fee?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Seeing some of the other ridiculous shit that is coming out of the pieholes of the CPAC speakers on some of the other websites, I think Newell is going to be working double-secret-over-overtime for the next 72 hours.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Kirk also told the conference that his days as a motivational speaker and TV star are over.

DarwinianDemon February 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Who will speak for the bananas!??

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 4:50 pm

This can only mean one thing: End Times.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 4:51 pm

The Conservative Dating seminar looks exactly as I expected.

Veritas78 February 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I could have sworn that series was called "Right Behind."

HelmutNewton February 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

"Kirk’s still heavily involved with the Way of the Master and writes updates on the site frequently, most of which have to do with him trying to coerce people into joining his church."

This coercion involves kung fu kicks and chops to the neck. Hiyyah!! It's the way of the Master!!

Extemporanus February 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

GODDAMMIT!

My timely comment got left behind!

WinterOuthouse February 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Needs the whore of Babylon riding a donkey and drinking a cup of sperm.

smitallica February 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

"I'm more irrelevant!"
"No, I'M more irrelevant!!"

thefrontpage February 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Just noticed this interesting announcement from Gluttius Film Productions:

GLUTTIUS FILM PRODUCTIONS ANNOUNCES CASTING FOR "LEFT BEHIND V," AN EDGY ADDITION TO THE POPULAR MOVIE SERIES!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, FEB. 9, 2012

Feb. 9, 2012, Las Vegas–Gluttius Film Productions has announced that Kirk Cameron, Ron Jeremy, John Holmes III, Larry Craig, Rupaul and Cooper McGreevey, have been cast in "Left Behind V," an edgy addition to the popular movie series! In "Left Behind V," Cameron plays Tracii Maximus, a gay politician in Utah who must tell his five Mormon wives that he has fallen in love with a gay military combat veteran, Jerry, played by Ron Jeremy. Together, everyone must come to hard grips with their respective lives as a huge asteroid hurtles toward Earth and likely doom. Cooper McGreevey plays Jerry's roommate, a former New Jersey politician. Larry Craig and Rupaul play Tracii's best friends, the owners of a popular gay club for Mormons, The Underground Stall. Look for a December, 2012, release date, just in time for the holidays!

Blueb4sunrise February 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

To me it looks like Knotplumber has a WTF? expression.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 9, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Left Behind? Is that part of the Buttman series?

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I cannot believe the Oscars completely neglected Left Behind The Movie in 2000. Stoopid librul Hollywood never appreciates talent.

The film received very negative reviews. It received a 12% positive rating among reviewers on the Rotten Tomatoes website.[2] The Washington Post's Desson Howe, described it as "…a blundering cringefest, thanks to unintentionally laughable dialogue, hackneyed writing and uninspired direction. The more this movie tries, the worse it gets. Its sincerity ends up becoming a bulging bull's-eye for rotten-tomato throwers."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left_Behind:_The_Mov

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

All I remember is the anti-christ had the worst Russian accent I ever heard come out of L.A.

flamingpdog February 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Mebbe it got better reviews on the Rancid Bananas website?

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I have absolutely no intention of watching those stupid movies, so somebody please answer this for me. If he was such a good Christian in the movie then why did he get left behind? Personally, I can't wait to get left behind with the fun people when all those xtians get raptured. The sooner the better.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I haven't watched it, but did see a video review that included clips; he was not a good Christian, but then his wife got raptured and left information on the rapture and how she totally knew it was coming (in the movie's world, apparently no non-fundies have heard of the rapture, unlike the real world where we all know and laugh about it); then he converted to True Christian.

Generation[redacted] February 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I'm surprised the Jesus Pets and Post Rapture Post services weren't active in the movie. I guess the atheists all got raptured, too.

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 5:32 pm

"I haven't watched it, but I have the plot memorized." I'm suspicious.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

It's okay, SB only watches the Left Behind movies for the articles.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I just think it's funny the Left Behind books / movies came up here today when we were – I mean, when I was just talking about them to someone, just a friend who none of you know, last night.

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

All this time I thought left behind was the true story of why it took Kirk Cameron 8 years to graduate high school.

chascates February 9, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Let me guess: Cameron's going to make another one of those Bible movies and wants Joe in it!
The Jesus and Toilet Chain
Unplugging the Red Sea
Walking on Water (In Your Basement)
Turning Water into Sewage

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Don't forget! Planned sequel:
Turning Water into Sewage II: Just Add Water! (and Jeebus)

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Needs moar Tebow

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

I'm glad the Craigslist M4M casual encounters has already made a connection. Romance is in the air this weekend!

DarwinianDemon February 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Anyone who has never read Left Behind: I heartily endorse it. One of the most unintentionally funny books you'll ever read. From the terrible pacing and plot to the character names like "Ray Steel" and "Buck Williams" it's the bees' knees baby! You can probably get through it in a day as it is written somewhere below the Charlotte's Web level.

montreal_bruin February 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I was initially horrified to learn that my home-schooled teenage niece was being taught "literature" from the Left Behind series, but she explained to me in private that the books are "properly read as comedy, because the heroes are such idiots." I worried slightly less about her after that . . .

HistoriCat February 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

She needs to be commenting on teh Wonkette!

montreal_bruin February 9, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Cheers! I'll pass it on.

Loaded_Pants February 9, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Only in Christian fiction can idiots be heroes.

owhatever February 9, 2012 at 5:32 pm

So, I'll meet you up in my room later, Joe?

fuflans February 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

can anybody tell me wtf we have done to deserve non stop 'republicans in the news'?!?!

i mean seriously. can't some union hire scarlett johansson or david beckham to make a ruckus about something or other?

MightySix February 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm

"ScarJo Talks Politics, Shows Butt, Film at 11"

DahBoner February 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Did Joe explain why you should NEVER pee in the shower???

MinAgain February 9, 2012 at 6:26 pm

started The Firefly Foundation

Does Joss Whedon know about this?

Nostrildamus February 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm
CessnaDriver February 9, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Google "kirk cameron bananna". You'll see all you need to know.

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 11:45 pm

That burnt an indelible image onto my "Lizard Brain". Must lick eyeball. Why isn't tongue made to perfectly clean eyeball like banana is perfectly made to fellate? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of90cKxSeuw

Harry_S_Truman February 9, 2012 at 6:34 pm

McCain to Wurzelbacher: Look, son, don't you get it? You were a prop. Now get the fuck off my lawn.

BZ1 February 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I thought Joe was on his way to setting up a plumbing mecca, being one of the oppressed $250,000ers.

BarackMyWorld February 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I'm glad he is helping terminally ill children, but everything else about Kirk Cameron is a waste.

ttommyunger February 9, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Caption Please! Which one is the has-been and which is the never-was?

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I had no idea the Wheel Of Fortune guy is also a conservative blogger.

I'd like to buy a scowl.

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Promo brochure at CPAC: " 'Cleft Behind' is a series of erotic thrillers on DVD for loving, married Christian couples. When Christ raptures His Church, He really raptures His Church!"

valthemus February 9, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I bask in the glow of these two towering intellects whose incandescent cleverness clearly outshines even the biggest glow-in-the-dark crescent moon sticker thingie I've seen on sale at the dollar store.

thebeatgoeson February 9, 2012 at 11:16 pm

That's a brain trust right there!

Designer_Rants February 9, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I trust there's a brain between them? That's faith-based charity!

Pat_Pending February 9, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Where did Alan Thicke go wrong???

PlanetWingNut February 10, 2012 at 1:09 pm

They're talking about combining their franchises into this new movie: From the Studio that brought you Left Behind 1-4 now a Samuel Bronchowitz production!

Plumber's Crack Behind..

(bow wow chickie bow wow)

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

It wasn't last night, it was the night before last. Uh, not that I have any idea what you talk to your, uh, friends about.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Sorry; I guess sometimes my conversations with that friend blur together.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: