walmerica's greatest heroes

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC

'Is there a Taco Bar? I was told there would be a Taco Bar.'What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher?

Yes, and this is the story, courtesy of the Happygrrls’ “People we used to care about” feature:

Kirk, who played Mike Seaver on “Growing Pains” (1985) and is the older brother of Candace, is a devout Christian who starred in Left Behind (2000), Left Behind II (2002), and Left Behind IV (2004), a series of straight-to-video movies about the second coming of Christ. He adopted a whole bunch of children with his wife, Chelsea Noble (who played Kate on Growing Pains), and started The Firefly Foundation, which sponsors camping trips for terminally ill children. He’s currently working for Living Waters, a fundamentalist Christian church ….

Kirk’s still heavily involved with the Way of the Master and writes updates on the site frequently, most of which have to do with him trying to coerce people into joining his church.

“Way of the Master” is a BDSM “Dungeons and Dragons”-style adults-only role-playing game with real goblins from Hell and a talking dildo demon (Pat Sajak).

Photo by Garrett Quinn. Text made up by a Wonkette editor.

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About the author

As the only libertarian at Wonkette Garrett is often the subject of scorn and ridicule by the rest of the communist staff. When he isn't snapping photos of furries in compromising positions he strings sentences together on Massachusetts politics and culture on Boston.com and is a contributor to WGBH radio & teevee. In addition to media he works for a small family owned environmental contractor in Greater Boston. He religiously supports the United States National Team, Boston Red Sox, and Boston Bruins.

View all articles by Garrett Quinn

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201 comments

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        Oh! Is that the one where they introduced the bumbling, ethnic-talking character who the original fans all hated?

      1. Negropolis

        Plumber's crack is pretty bad, but at the current time, plumber's meth is absolutely devastating the community.

    1. SorosBot

      No, Bibleman was Buddy from Charles in Charge; I think you're mixing up your crappy 80s sitcom starts turned fundamentalist nutcases.

    1. ThundercatHo

      I thought the thingy one uses to unclog a toilet was called a plumber's helper. Whatever, shit sucker, same diff.

  1. Trannysurprise

    They are just role playing in "Way of the Master." Now if their black friend would just show up they could get on with it.

  2. bumfug

    Kirk must have left his beard, uh, I mean wife, home so he could take a walk on the wild side with Joe.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh I'm sure you had all of Cameron's Tiger Beat covers back when you were a teenaged girl; half the girls in my seventh and eighth grade class did.

        1. SorosBot

          Yeah, poor Koening; suicidal depression sucks.

          It's embarrassing to admit, but I also had a thing for his sister on Full House back in the day. It looks like she's a fundie wingnut now too, so no.

  3. V572 Flambé

    Could it be that someone paid Wurzelbacher's way to CPAC? Who would be so stupid?
    Could it be that Wurzelbacher paid his own way to CPAC?
    Well, he is that stupid.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      His plumbing repair company has really taken off since congress passed the stimulus, so he can afford to go to these things and participate in the Obama hate.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          Okay, FML. I think I'd willing to run for Congress for a cool 5K a month. The panhandling's not been working out.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Aw, poor dead Boner. Hey Mistuh Seavuh! good times, good times. But him being dead makes it sad now. Like anything John Kennedy, Jr related.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      This thread reminded me of one of my 80s TV crushes: Danny Pintauro. Wondering what he was up to now (if anything), I googled him & *sigh* according to wikipedia, he started shilling Tupperware last year. We're both a year apart in age, so I was curious as to what he looks like now, clicked on images and…..ummm, oh my…..uhhh….some NSFW. Think I'll go upstairs for awhile…

    3. Loaded_Pants

      I always thought Boner was cuter. I never got the appeal of Kirk. I guess it was just personal preference.

  4. elburritodeluxe

    Ever hire a plumber? A good one can pull in some serious coin. A crap one tries to get work as a bottom-feeding conservative talking head.

      1. SorosBot

        The funny thing is, modern bananas are the product of intelligent design – the thing is, as with most domestic crops and animals, it was intelligent design by humans, also calling breeding.

        1. flamingpdog

          Does Kirk Cameron have anything to do with design? I know he doesn't have anything to do with intelligent.

  5. Indiepalin

    Kirk is still steaming that he was dropped from the cast of "Left Behind III" and replaced by a heaping pile of dog shit.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Stephen's out skateboarding with the cool conservatives.

      Okay, he's doing ollies by himself in the alley by the dumpster.

  6. MissTaken

    Unfortunately Way Of The Master doesn't unleash the power of Hades as awesomely as Grepolis 2.0.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    Yeah Kirk's the ultraFundie, but I'm having trouble remembering what Xtian affiliation Wurzelbacher makes claim to. .. Oh right, it's Episcopalian a.k.a. Church of the Holy "Comforter."

    1. ThundercatHo

      He's running in my district for the Repug nomination. I swear to (insert favorite deity here or not) if my gag reflex wasn't working I'd run against him. Democratic contenders are Dennis Kuscinich and Marcy Kaptur. Gerrymandering/redisctricting courtesy of Gov. Kasich and friends.

  8. jus_wonderin

    "Well, it's like this Kirk. First you insert the plumbing snake into the drainpipe. And then, you turn this crank on the side. And then, you got some time on your hands as you continue to crank. And, ya see, the art and the irony of it all, you just can't know exactly when you get to the clog. You have to have faith."

  9. Respitetini

    That picture is ripe for slash fanfiction. Or maybe just a "missed connection" ad on the Craigslist.

    1. SenileAgitation

      Wait for Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter to duet in "Strap On Rage!" It will be plenty popular.

  10. teebob2000

    I could have sworn the talking demon dildo was Wink Martindale. I always get gameshow hosts mixed up anyhow.

  11. Jukesgrrl

    From Kirk's Wikipedia page: "Speaking at a debate on the existence of God at Calvary Baptist Church in Manhattan … Cameron cites the lack of a "crocoduck" as evidence against evolution."

    I think it's perfectly possible he's finally met his crocoduck.

    1. spinozasgod

      the platypus?….seriously, isn't that an odd enough combo?

      how about dolphins?:
      Called “re-entrants,” dolphins once lived on land and looked and behaved something like a small wolf but with five hoof-like toes on each foot instead claws. Some dolphins still have hair on their heads and the Amazon River dolphin has hair on its beak. Dolphins also have remnant finger bones in their flippers, a forearm, wrists, and a few remnant leg bones deep inside their bodies.

      1. Designer_Rants

        I was surprised to read that the other day! When you start *trying, feebly* to imagine the geological and evolutionary timescales of wolves turning into dolphins (first it was just sticking their toes into the baby pool, then it was "Marco Polo", then it was blow holes, then it was fuckin' Flipper!, THEN it was freshwater to seawater!), or of continents scooching away, coming together, rinse-repeat 2 or 3 times… Ugh, I just realized how insignificant every person is, again.
        http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn21441-most-

  12. chicken_thief

    "…camping trips for terminally ill children…"

    How convenient. The little fuckers die and he could plant them right there.

    1. flamingpdog

      Poor kids, as if their little lives aren't already tough, now Kirk Cameron is making them go through an in tents experience.

  13. BlueStateLibel

    This whole CPAC can be shipped to Afghanistan; no one has lost anything. Or, to put it another way for you librul elites, it is "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

    1. fuflans

      ahem. i believe the ACTUAL quote is:

      '…can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any'.

      it is important to quote the canon correctly.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Seeing some of the other ridiculous shit that is coming out of the pieholes of the CPAC speakers on some of the other websites, I think Newell is going to be working double-secret-over-overtime for the next 72 hours.

  15. HelmutNewton

    "Kirk’s still heavily involved with the Way of the Master and writes updates on the site frequently, most of which have to do with him trying to coerce people into joining his church."

    This coercion involves kung fu kicks and chops to the neck. Hiyyah!! It's the way of the Master!!

  16. thefrontpage

    Just noticed this interesting announcement from Gluttius Film Productions:

    GLUTTIUS FILM PRODUCTIONS ANNOUNCES CASTING FOR "LEFT BEHIND V," AN EDGY ADDITION TO THE POPULAR MOVIE SERIES!
    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, FEB. 9, 2012

    Feb. 9, 2012, Las Vegas–Gluttius Film Productions has announced that Kirk Cameron, Ron Jeremy, John Holmes III, Larry Craig, Rupaul and Cooper McGreevey, have been cast in "Left Behind V," an edgy addition to the popular movie series! In "Left Behind V," Cameron plays Tracii Maximus, a gay politician in Utah who must tell his five Mormon wives that he has fallen in love with a gay military combat veteran, Jerry, played by Ron Jeremy. Together, everyone must come to hard grips with their respective lives as a huge asteroid hurtles toward Earth and likely doom. Cooper McGreevey plays Jerry's roommate, a former New Jersey politician. Larry Craig and Rupaul play Tracii's best friends, the owners of a popular gay club for Mormons, The Underground Stall. Look for a December, 2012, release date, just in time for the holidays!

  17. MissTaken

    I cannot believe the Oscars completely neglected Left Behind The Movie in 2000. Stoopid librul Hollywood never appreciates talent.

    The film received very negative reviews. It received a 12% positive rating among reviewers on the Rotten Tomatoes website.[2] The Washington Post's Desson Howe, described it as "…a blundering cringefest, thanks to unintentionally laughable dialogue, hackneyed writing and uninspired direction. The more this movie tries, the worse it gets. Its sincerity ends up becoming a bulging bull's-eye for rotten-tomato throwers."

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left_Behind:_The_Mov

    1. Generation[redacted]

      All I remember is the anti-christ had the worst Russian accent I ever heard come out of L.A.

  18. BigDumbRedDog

    I have absolutely no intention of watching those stupid movies, so somebody please answer this for me. If he was such a good Christian in the movie then why did he get left behind? Personally, I can't wait to get left behind with the fun people when all those xtians get raptured. The sooner the better.

    1. SorosBot

      I haven't watched it, but did see a video review that included clips; he was not a good Christian, but then his wife got raptured and left information on the rapture and how she totally knew it was coming (in the movie's world, apparently no non-fundies have heard of the rapture, unlike the real world where we all know and laugh about it); then he converted to True Christian.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I'm surprised the Jesus Pets and Post Rapture Post services weren't active in the movie. I guess the atheists all got raptured, too.

          1. SorosBot

            I just think it's funny the Left Behind books / movies came up here today when we were – I mean, when I was just talking about them to someone, just a friend who none of you know, last night.

          2. MissTaken

            It wasn't last night, it was the night before last. Uh, not that I have any idea what you talk to your, uh, friends about.

  19. BigDumbRedDog

    All this time I thought left behind was the true story of why it took Kirk Cameron 8 years to graduate high school.

  20. chascates

    Let me guess: Cameron's going to make another one of those Bible movies and wants Joe in it!
    The Jesus and Toilet Chain
    Unplugging the Red Sea
    Walking on Water (In Your Basement)
    Turning Water into Sewage

  21. MissTaken

    I'm glad the Craigslist M4M casual encounters has already made a connection. Romance is in the air this weekend!

  22. DarwinianDemon

    Anyone who has never read Left Behind: I heartily endorse it. One of the most unintentionally funny books you'll ever read. From the terrible pacing and plot to the character names like "Ray Steel" and "Buck Williams" it's the bees' knees baby! You can probably get through it in a day as it is written somewhere below the Charlotte's Web level.

    1. montreal_bruin

      I was initially horrified to learn that my home-schooled teenage niece was being taught "literature" from the Left Behind series, but she explained to me in private that the books are "properly read as comedy, because the heroes are such idiots." I worried slightly less about her after that . . .

  23. fuflans

    can anybody tell me wtf we have done to deserve non stop 'republicans in the news'?!?!

    i mean seriously. can't some union hire scarlett johansson or david beckham to make a ruckus about something or other?

  24. Harry_S_Truman

    McCain to Wurzelbacher: Look, son, don't you get it? You were a prop. Now get the fuck off my lawn.

  25. BarackMyWorld

    I'm glad he is helping terminally ill children, but everything else about Kirk Cameron is a waste.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    Promo brochure at CPAC: " 'Cleft Behind' is a series of erotic thrillers on DVD for loving, married Christian couples. When Christ raptures His Church, He really raptures His Church!"

  27. valthemus

    I bask in the glow of these two towering intellects whose incandescent cleverness clearly outshines even the biggest glow-in-the-dark crescent moon sticker thingie I've seen on sale at the dollar store.

  28. PlanetWingNut

    They're talking about combining their franchises into this new movie: From the Studio that brought you Left Behind 1-4 now a Samuel Bronchowitz production!

    Plumber's Crack Behind..

    (bow wow chickie bow wow)

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