cpacalypse

No One Told Us All These Conservatives Would Be At CPAC

Good news: They let us in! Bad News: They let us in. The Marriott Wardman Hotel & Conference Centre is much like a mall where you can’t find anything except the big anchor store, which is Mitch McConnell. But alas, after stepping over a few mass graves, we checked into CPAC for Wonkete.com. Jesus, even Cindy McCain knows there are two T’s.

Now we are going to cover conservatives or maybe get drunk alone at the bar, STAY TUNED.

Oh, here’s the red carpet to the Conservative Dating thingie. The hallway reeks of no-sex.

Now we’re listening to Andrew Breitbart rant about the Ocupados: “I hate these bastards,” he says. “I really hate these bastards.” He has a movie coming out about them! The trailer looked so-so.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Yay, Wonkeet!

    • Harry_S_Truman

      That's Wankete, Sherf.

    • johnnymeatworth

      I had a pet Wonkeet when I was a kid. That thing just bitched and bitched 24 hours a goddamn day.

      • http://wonkette.com BelleSC

        *SNORT*

    • glasspusher

      Is that like "effete"?

    • bumfug

      It's the Reet Petite!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Jim, you left Gawker for this??? That Adrian Chen is probably laughing his ass off at you right now.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      They named a boy Adrian?

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Yeah, I checked his profile.

      • MosesInvests

        It's the English version of Hadrianus (Hadrian), the famously ghey Roman emperor.

        • deelzebub

          Hadrian of Hadrian's Wall fame. He was wise enough to know that when dealing with the Scottish, it's best to just build a barricade and let those crazy bastards go about their business. You deal with way fewer headbutt-induced migraines that way.

  • Crank_Tango

    today, we are all…

    • BlueStateLibel

      Conventioneers with mis-spelt name tags!

    • widestanceshakedown

      Sexless losers smelling each other's farts and tweeting about it.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      appalled.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      missing a 't'.

      • Devilette

        T. Ask Sarah to return it.

    • Nostrildamus

      … thanking the Lord Almighty we are not Jim Newell.

    • PlanetWingNut

      discrete straight acting bi-curious men looking for m4m hookups at cpac?
      http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/m4m/284293

      • SorosBot

        Maybe some of the gay Occupy DCers can take one for the team, sleep with some of the attendees and take pictures for the outing.

      • AddHomonym

        If he remains discrete, there will be no need to be discreet.

      • pechorintintin

        Very discreet, with solid GOP credentials. http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/m4m/284368

    • lulzmonger

      … hoping Newell remembered to take along his Sweet Relief™ cyanide capsule.

  • UnholyMoses

    The clinical crazy?

    You're soaking in it!

  • SorosBot

    Do be careful there, Jim; we don't you catching the rabies.

  • Tundra Grifter

    When you meet Meghan McCanns, have two for me!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yes, raise them high, Jim!

    • Guppy

      I think she's a bit too pro-gay for that crowd.

  • arihaya

    are you sure you don't need false mustache and big glasses?

    • SayItWithWookies

      I'd go with the pimp costume myself.

      • GOPCrusher

        Wouldn't people mistake you for Herb Cain?

        • Isyaignert

          Hahaha – Herb Cain – I'd forgotten about that one!

  • SayItWithWookies

    See if you can find the Spencer's Gifts and pick up some clever coffee mugs with naughty parts on them. That Mitch McConnell store is lame, and there's always someone at the door spritzing you with perfume.

    • GhostBuggy

      That's what you get when you hire LIndsey Graham to work your cosmetics counter.

  • MissTaken

    Do not, I repeat DO NOT go to wonkete.com

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      What? No buttsex?

    • Guppy

      She means this not in a "shock site" sense but in a "Nigerian scammer" sense.

      EDIT: took the liberty of reporting them to both Google and Microsoft. Safari and Opera users are on their own.

  • orygoon

    "We still hold these truths" to a T, but only one.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe Bible Spice can spare a "T"?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If they serve shrimp, be sure they're from the Gulf of America.

    • V572 Flamb√©

      And if there's a mayonnaise-based sauce on them, steer clear entirely.

      I'm talking about food poisoning. What'd you think I was talking about?

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        Mayonnaise tastes bad.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You should try the BP dipping sauce. Tastes like Detroit!

  • PsycWench

    Watch out for that guy who felt up Riley last time.

  • CapnFatback

    Remember, Jim, that should you get parched, there are plenty of oases where you can refresh with the blood of fawns.

    • mrpuma2u

      Fawns?!?!? Those aren't endangered. Go for the spotted owl buffalo wings, or the chilled desert tortoise eggs. Splurge Jim!!!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is how Hitler started WWII!

  • Lucidamente1

    "Wonkete": it's French, bitch.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, they just left that little accent mark off the e. Wonketè.

      • glasspusher

        That would be a grave mistake.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I see what you did there…

    • Generation[redacted]

      Le petit wank

  • Goonemeritus

    Proof positive that true evil plans are rarely hatched in hollowed out volcanoes. In real life the dominant venue is a Marriot.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Welcome to my subatmospheric Mormon lair.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Hope you're vaccinated!

    • ChernobylSoup

      They vaccinate for stupid?

  • Veritas78

    Suggestion: leave a trail of breadcrumbs for a fast exit? Or a drizzle of lube.

    • PsycWench

      Nah, the drizzle of lube would intersect with numerous other such drizzles, and no breadcrumbs would last long after Rush Limbaugh got there. GPS all the way…science works, bitches!

      • Fare la Volpe

        The CPAC wizards have put the entire hotel under an anti-science forcefield. The only way he can get out now is to slay the Malkinotaur.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          "Malkinotaur."

          Laughing hard now. I need more upfists.

  • Radiotherapy

    T

  • Joshua Norton

    Geez, Newell. Flashing your "Wonket(t)e" bona fides around like that. A bullseye painted on your back would have been less obvious.

    • DaRooster

      Or look out for the "Kick Me" sign… you know how wonderful those childish pranks are.

    • ThundercatHo

      I'm sure you meant surveyor's mark.

  • CapnFatback

    maybe get drunk alone at the bar

    You may get drunk, but you definitely won't be alone. The bar is the hunting ground of the Great White Neckbeard.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Watch out for Callista, Jim. Newt's boyish charm (aka being naked) is long gone & even all of those Tiffany baubles cannot assuage her need for the comfort of a pair of strong arms that don't smell like moth balls and Ben Gay.

  • Callyson

    ''Wonkete'' is en Amirican onlene magazene of topical satier adn political gosip, edited bi Kenn Laine sicne 2006. Estalbished iin 2004 bi Gawkir Media adn foundeng editor Ena Marie Coks, it details teh goengs-on of teh political establishmennt iin Washengton, DC adn teh U.S. http://www.wikipeetia.org/Wonkete
    The grammar here is better than that of some of the trolls who infest HuffyPo…

    • Neoyorquino

      When I read your post, in my mind it came out sounding like Sarah Palin.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The one less "t" is for lower taxes!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Whatever they may say, whatever you may hear or overhear, know this: It's all a bunch of bullshit.

    • Chichikovovich

      Especially if they preface it with "OK, I'm just going to cut through all the bullshit…"

  • IncenseDebate

    Hotel and Conference Center nookie is the hottest.

  • Fare la Volpe

    So THAT'S why Michele only has one L.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It can't be any worse than that Amway convention I accidentally stumbled into up in Portland all those years ago. Or maybe it can.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      The halftime entertainment at CPAC is Nickelback.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Years ago, I used to host a monthly indoor model airplane event. Yes…we were geeks. However, during one session a group of Amway-ers stumbled in during the last hour of our time at the armory…asking us to move since they had to set up for their "convention" the next day. We explained that we had the place 'til 9 and we would leave at that time. Pushy fuckers. We graciously said they they could use the stage as long as they didn't bug us. With a hurrumph, they set about "decorating" the stage with aluminum foil…actual aluminum foil…and it wasn't even Reynolds Wrap either, it was a store brand that was thin enough to be nearly translucent. Things came to a head when one of their people wandered out into the arena proper and tried to swat a model that startled her.

      This has nothing to do with the what we're talking about other than I had an Amway story.

      I have more.

      dumb fuckers.

      This is the kind of stuff we would fly;
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVdoF4VbCFQ

      • Nothingisamiss

        I had a nice time with that little story. Refreshing.

        Back to the snark.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          It was fun…but I don't fly anymore because the folks I hung out with all lost their minds when a black man was running for and eventually won the presidency. It's was pretty scary. One minute we were all, "Nice flight, George" and the next it was like that Star Trek episode where all the beautiful women turned out to be hideous salt sucking fiends. "Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my friends!?"

          • Nothingisamiss

            I remember in astonishment one day saying to my friend, "You think Anita Hill was lying?!"

            Where the fuck did this come from?!

      • Fare la Volpe

        What? Why? Why aluminum foil? To keep out the mind control rays of those Mary Kay bitches?

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Maybe the Amwayouts thought that Mary Kay wanted to test their products on them?

  • MissTaken

    I'm going to the CPA12 conference this year, too! I'm extra giddy about the "Fair Value Measurements Workshop". See you there!

    • ThundercatHo

      Is this a bra fitting workshop? Cuz I sure could use some better fitting bras.

  • CapnFatback

    Oh look, they misspelled "worthly Wokette skum"!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    under the 'wonkete':

    "We Still Hold These Truths…"

    … still holding them hostage, amirite?

  • Joshua Norton

    The hallway reeks of no-sex.

    Does all this ass fat make my butt look big?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Good thing Jim Newele is there.

  • larryfinexx

    If you run into the Reverend Billy Graham, goose him for a laugh.

  • SorosBot

    I believe conservative dating consists of the man giving the woman whore diamonds in exchange for missionary position sex in which only the man gets to orgasm.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Or as Newt Gingrich spells it, "marriage."

    • Chichikovovich

      That used to be true. Conservative sex lives were revolutionized with the introduction of the first mistress-on-mogul blowjob, given by Marian Davies to William Randolph Hearst, in exchange for the home that is now the Santa Monica Annenberg Community Beach House.

      She was a true pathfinder, unjustly neglected by historians. Except one.

    • Crank_Tango

      You say that like there is some other kind of sex…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Really! I ought to sue CPAC for stalking me on a Friday.

    • BigDumbRedDog

      I thought conservative dating consisted of the lady getting left alone at the table while her date gives anonymous blowjobs in the men's room.

      • SorosBot

        That's conservative marriage.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait. Where's the Lemon Party booth?

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      If you find it please do us all a favor and paint it blah.

    • Barrelhse

      Where's the John Wilkes booth?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Hey, Jim, while you're there, can you pick me up some cool CPAC swag and a jar of Santorum?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    In some of those fancier type Hotels you can get what is called a, "Continental" breakfast. They just give food away for free! The good ones even have waffles and hard boiled eggs! You have to get there really early before all of the other people get there and touch all of the foods.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "The good ones even have waffles and hard boiled eggs!"

      Hampton Inn for the win!

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Jim, I want photos of you hanging out with a red faced bloated drunk Bitpart… basically a stock photo of Bitpart.

  • ThundercatHo

    Jim, who's your (left) wing-man?

  • bureaucrap

    Jim, they were doing you a favor, so you could hide your liberal bona fides behind the ostensible spelling error. If anyone asks, just say "Won-ke-Tay dot com" (the correct pronunciation) is a Chinese venture capital firm and you are their US representative.

  • MissTaken

    Question!

    Is the person wearing the acid wash jeans with no ass a man or a woman?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      That has to be a woman. But either way, I wouldn't mind stapling a few teabags to that caboose if you get mah meaning, if you catch mah drift.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's a Thing-Fish.

      • EatFrankRich

        It's a Mammy Nun, with the nakkin on!

    • widestanceshakedown

      It depends on how much you want to spend.

    • Crank_Tango

      Judging from the shoes, a woman. But in my neighborhood, that's not good enough to go by.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Some animals cannot be sexed.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Answer!

      Yes.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's Pat!

  • MozakiBlocks

    How long do we wait before sending in Seal Team Six to rescue you?

    • MissTaken

      I'm sure our ginger knows the safe word is always Green Balloons.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Oh, here’s the red carpet to the Conservative Dating thingie. The hallway reeks of no-sex."

    Man, you should totally get one of those conservative chicks drunk and bang her and give her an unwanted child!!! Hahahahahaha!

    • orygoon

      Don't forget the Groupon for the Abortionplex!

    • Crank_Tango

      Isn't it illegal to abort a fetus for gingerness?

    • Chichikovovich

      [Insert obligatory "Rape is not funny" disclaimer here. And it certainly isn't. But as Cindy McCain observed, everything is funny on Wonkette.]

      Conservative women are allowed to have abortions, as long as afterwards they tell Jesus they feel bad about it, and he forgives them. In fact, the course of action Baldar recommends would secure a comfortable wingnut-welfare income, giving 100 speeches a year at $20,000 a pop, describing in extensive detail how crushing it is to know "I have murdered my baby" because of Planned Parenthood and Hollywood.

      • LesBontemps

        Yeah but everyone knows teh Wonkete is all about assfucking, so no discount abortion necessary.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Remember, it's not rape if you use wine coolers.

      • mrpuma2u

        Yelling "Surprise!" can also create some plausible deniability/air of consensuality.

  • bureaucrap

    Remember to check craigslist for the hot m4m CPAC hookups.

  • iburl

    Breitbart is Hate.
    Happy Valentine's Day!

  • YasserArraFeck

    "Wonkete" – a bit like "Machete", just not as menacing

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Wonketè don't text blog!!

  • freakishlywrong

    Benen said there were 5,500 registered..whatever the fuck these people are, and 1,000 press. So that's 1 press person for every 5 assholes. Have fun! (Netroots is covered like this as well).

    • Crank_Tango

      and knowing them, 80% of the press are assholes too. Or more.

  • Not_So_Much

    I kind of like the European pronunciation of 'Wonkete'. Makes me feel all fancy and socialist.

  • revmatty

    According to the American Conservative website they'll be participating in several COSPLAY sessions.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      CPAC: it's like the San Diego Comic Con of hate.

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      Imagining Andrew Breitbart in a Sailor Moon outfit.

      As I so often do.

      (Heeeeeelp meeeeee.)

  • Redhead

    Wait… is that a picture of Cain in the background, in the picture of the red carpet to dating shame?

    • HistoriCat

      He's just there in case any ladies are looking for a job.

  • Selfish_T

    John Bolton is going to pull so much tail in the CPAC Date Zone.

    • CapnFatback

      I take it "tail" is literal here.

    • Chichikovovich

      Free mustache rides, ladies!!

  • http://www.counterpunch.org 4TheTurnstiles

    Wonkete…

    Were they expecting Spaghett?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyh3C1xDT3Y

  • CapnFatback

    Now we’re listening to Andrew Breitbart rant about the Ocupados: “I hate these bastards,” he says. “I really hate these bastards.”

    RUN, JIM! DRINKY McNECKBEARD WANTS A HATE FUCK!

    • GOPCrusher

      I'm sure if someone was to poll the Occupy protesters, the feeling would be mutual.

  • MiniMencken

    Carry a copy of the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" with you at all times. If you run into, say, Breitbart, ask him to autograph it. Then sell it on e-Bay. Then sell the story of how you did it to a magazine. You can thank me later, Jim.

  • iburl

    Remember Jim, no matter what happens, do not tap your foot in the bathroom stall.

  • LesBontemps

    "Wonkete," eh? Apparently the cutbacks have been more significant than we imagined.

  • barto

    Oh c'mon, isn't that a condom wrapper peeking out of the planter there? Or is that left over from the Catholic Bishops convention last week…

    • Dashboard Buddha

      As is bishops would use condoms.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Condom? Not likely. When you spend your time fucking little boys, you really don't need to worry about getting them pregnant. And if you give him a disease, the archbishop will just move you to another diocese.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wonkete: It's like concrete only less concretey

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    You really expected conservatives to spell right?

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    I'd rather work for Wonskeet.com

  • ttommyunger

    Better you than me, brave souls. Hope you are earning a shitload of moneez for this duty, no way would I pull it for any amount of cash. BTW, whoopee cushions are in order. What is life without laughter?

  • Biff

    Note to Jim Newell: Any surplus Marriott Rewards points can be transferred to my account. Thanks in advance.

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    So CPAC is basically a furry convention but with an American Revolution costume theme? I hope they smell better than actual furries.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    What's up with the font on the sign? Isn't that the same one rappers use for the "Thug4Life" tats on their bellies?

    • Fare la Volpe

      And the New York Times. Thugs love the Life&Style section.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Wait…the Tea Party is using the same font at heathen rappers AND the NYT?

        I smell a conspiracy. I bet that display is a false flag tea party setup.

    • GOPCrusher

      I've seen Mexicans using that same font for their tats, right above the Mexican flag.

  • Extemporanus

    Dude, you are so getting laid this afternoon!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    From the opening remarks at CPAC this morning (via Think Progress):

    Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has an interesting new recruiting strategy for conservatives. “Conservatives are simply more fun than liberals, and there is a reason for that,” he told the audience at the Conservative Political Action Conference this morning. “We’re always right.”

    This just flat-out fucking beggars belief.

    • MissTaken

      Conservative Comedy Gold!

      • CapnFatback

        Waitaminute . . . does Mitch McConnell moonlight as conservative comic Brad Stine?

      • Oblios_Cap

        If only Yertyl would publish a collection of these pithy quotes in say, maybe, a little red book. Think of the money he could make at CPAC.

        You should suggest it to him, Jim.

    • SorosBot

      Yeah, sex-hating god-botherers are so much more fun than us.

    • Nostrildamus

      “Conservatives are simply more fun than liberals, and there is a reason for that,”

      What's not funny about turtles?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Hey, Dave Weigel seems to be stealing our shtick, by posting the highlights of the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist, incident to CPAC.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Thanks for the heads up.

  • DahBoner

    Are you wearing your pipe-scented suspenders and fake Hasidic beard?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Sweet treats, tweets, and retweets about teats without deletes from Wonkeets beating their meats in their seats who then beat a retreat.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Pfffth. I've been calling this site Wonkete for years. Admittedly, though, that's mainly because of the previously-discussed illiteracy.

  • Tundra Grifter

    To recycle a recent Comment – if Ms. McCanns shows up they'll have two!

  • http://protoplasm.wordpress.com/ Preacher_Griz

    Hi Head Commentator Jim Newell-

    What a coincidence! Or is it the Hand of God guiding you? Whatev.

    I am at the Convention too!

    Come by my booth: Dominionists for Tancredo…it is the real crowded one down aisle L. People at CPAC do LOVE their Rep Tom and peanut butter filled pretzels!!!

    -RPTH
    Award Winning Interblogger
    Conservative Christian

    • Nostrildamus

      I can't believe it's peanut butter.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Nothingisamiss said I should get back to the snark. Who am I to argue?

    Found this headline: CPAC conservatives unite in opposition to Obama’s contraceptive rule

    Isn't this kinda like when, in a group of babies, one starts crying and the rest join in?

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    The free market will decide the number of Ts required.

  • chascates

    Please wear Riley's top hat to give the impression you are one of the 1 percent!

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Careful while you're there Mr. Newell.

    You should carry an inflatable raft with you, in case a there is a car backfire, or door slam, or someone drops a glass. Because the subsequent pants-wetting will look a lot like that tsunami footage.

  • elburritodeluxe

    Wonkete should have sent a girl to this just for the larfs.

  • lulzmonger

    It's only natural that Breitbart would hate OWS – hell hath no fury like a fat old camwhore upstaged.

  • otakuboyt

    You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

  • heathenette

    Let us know when you get home. I will worry about you, till I know you are safe.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    the tea party ate one of the "t"s in wonkette.

  • mcrummett

    Wonkete? Think of it as plausible deniability. "No, we're from that snarky, leftist Wonkette.com. We're from the completely unrelated wonkete!"

  • Sheesko

    Work it, wonkers! Tip: the bourbon already has branch in it. Order yours straight up for maximum minimalism.

  • ghblowhard

    It's times like this that makes me glad I'm a nun

  • fuflans

    those is some large butts.

    that is all.

  • MadBrahms

    Attention Tea Party: the New York times called. They want their font back.