No One Told Us All These Conservatives Would Be At CPAC

Good news: They let us in! Bad News: They let us in. The Marriott Wardman Hotel & Conference Centre is much like a mall where you can’t find anything except the big anchor store, which is Mitch McConnell. But alas, after stepping over a few mass graves, we checked into CPAC for Jesus, even Cindy McCain knows there are two T’s.

Now we are going to cover conservatives or maybe get drunk alone at the bar, STAY TUNED.

Oh, here’s the red carpet to the Conservative Dating thingie. The hallway reeks of no-sex.

Now we’re listening to Andrew Breitbart rant about the Ocupados: “I hate these bastards,” he says. “I really hate these bastards.” He has a movie coming out about them! The trailer looked so-so.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. johnnymeatworth

      I had a pet Wonkeet when I was a kid. That thing just bitched and bitched 24 hours a goddamn day.

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    Jim, you left Gawker for this??? That Adrian Chen is probably laughing his ass off at you right now.

        1. deelzebub

          Hadrian of Hadrian's Wall fame. He was wise enough to know that when dealing with the Scottish, it's best to just build a barricade and let those crazy bastards go about their business. You deal with way fewer headbutt-induced migraines that way.

      1. SorosBot

        Maybe some of the gay Occupy DCers can take one for the team, sleep with some of the attendees and take pictures for the outing.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    See if you can find the Spencer's Gifts and pick up some clever coffee mugs with naughty parts on them. That Mitch McConnell store is lame, and there's always someone at the door spritzing you with perfume.

    1. Guppy

      She means this not in a "shock site" sense but in a "Nigerian scammer" sense.

      EDIT: took the liberty of reporting them to both Google and Microsoft. Safari and Opera users are on their own.

    1. V572 Flambé

      And if there's a mayonnaise-based sauce on them, steer clear entirely.

      I'm talking about food poisoning. What'd you think I was talking about?

  3. CapnFatback

    Remember, Jim, that should you get parched, there are plenty of oases where you can refresh with the blood of fawns.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Fawns?!?!? Those aren't endangered. Go for the spotted owl buffalo wings, or the chilled desert tortoise eggs. Splurge Jim!!!

  4. Goonemeritus

    Proof positive that true evil plans are rarely hatched in hollowed out volcanoes. In real life the dominant venue is a Marriot.

    1. PsycWench

      Nah, the drizzle of lube would intersect with numerous other such drizzles, and no breadcrumbs would last long after Rush Limbaugh got there. GPS all the way…science works, bitches!

      1. Fare la Volpe

        The CPAC wizards have put the entire hotel under an anti-science forcefield. The only way he can get out now is to slay the Malkinotaur.

  5. Joshua Norton

    Geez, Newell. Flashing your "Wonket(t)e" bona fides around like that. A bullseye painted on your back would have been less obvious.

  6. CapnFatback

    maybe get drunk alone at the bar

    You may get drunk, but you definitely won't be alone. The bar is the hunting ground of the Great White Neckbeard.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Watch out for Callista, Jim. Newt's boyish charm (aka being naked) is long gone & even all of those Tiffany baubles cannot assuage her need for the comfort of a pair of strong arms that don't smell like moth balls and Ben Gay.

  7. Callyson

    ''Wonkete'' is en Amirican onlene magazene of topical satier adn political gosip, edited bi Kenn Laine sicne 2006. Estalbished iin 2004 bi Gawkir Media adn foundeng editor Ena Marie Coks, it details teh goengs-on of teh political establishmennt iin Washengton, DC adn teh U.S.
    The grammar here is better than that of some of the trolls who infest HuffyPo…

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Whatever they may say, whatever you may hear or overhear, know this: It's all a bunch of bullshit.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    It can't be any worse than that Amway convention I accidentally stumbled into up in Portland all those years ago. Or maybe it can.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Years ago, I used to host a monthly indoor model airplane event. Yes…we were geeks. However, during one session a group of Amway-ers stumbled in during the last hour of our time at the armory…asking us to move since they had to set up for their "convention" the next day. We explained that we had the place 'til 9 and we would leave at that time. Pushy fuckers. We graciously said they they could use the stage as long as they didn't bug us. With a hurrumph, they set about "decorating" the stage with aluminum foil…actual aluminum foil…and it wasn't even Reynolds Wrap either, it was a store brand that was thin enough to be nearly translucent. Things came to a head when one of their people wandered out into the arena proper and tried to swat a model that startled her.

      This has nothing to do with the what we're talking about other than I had an Amway story.

      I have more.

      dumb fuckers.

      This is the kind of stuff we would fly;

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          It was fun…but I don't fly anymore because the folks I hung out with all lost their minds when a black man was running for and eventually won the presidency. It's was pretty scary. One minute we were all, "Nice flight, George" and the next it was like that Star Trek episode where all the beautiful women turned out to be hideous salt sucking fiends. "Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my friends!?"

          1. Nothingisamiss

            I remember in astonishment one day saying to my friend, "You think Anita Hill was lying?!"

            Where the fuck did this come from?!

  10. MissTaken

    I'm going to the CPA12 conference this year, too! I'm extra giddy about the "Fair Value Measurements Workshop". See you there!

  11. SorosBot

    I believe conservative dating consists of the man giving the woman whore diamonds in exchange for missionary position sex in which only the man gets to orgasm.

    1. Chichikovovich

      That used to be true. Conservative sex lives were revolutionized with the introduction of the first mistress-on-mogul blowjob, given by Marian Davies to William Randolph Hearst, in exchange for the home that is now the Santa Monica Annenberg Community Beach House.

      She was a true pathfinder, unjustly neglected by historians. Except one.

    2. BigDumbRedDog

      I thought conservative dating consisted of the lady getting left alone at the table while her date gives anonymous blowjobs in the men's room.

  12. Harry_S_Truman

    Hey, Jim, while you're there, can you pick me up some cool CPAC swag and a jar of Santorum?

  13. DerrickWildcat

    In some of those fancier type Hotels you can get what is called a, "Continental" breakfast. They just give food away for free! The good ones even have waffles and hard boiled eggs! You have to get there really early before all of the other people get there and touch all of the foods.

  14. bureaucrap

    Jim, they were doing you a favor, so you could hide your liberal bona fides behind the ostensible spelling error. If anyone asks, just say "Won-ke-Tay dot com" (the correct pronunciation) is a Chinese venture capital firm and you are their US representative.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      That has to be a woman. But either way, I wouldn't mind stapling a few teabags to that caboose if you get mah meaning, if you catch mah drift.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    "Oh, here’s the red carpet to the Conservative Dating thingie. The hallway reeks of no-sex."

    Man, you should totally get one of those conservative chicks drunk and bang her and give her an unwanted child!!! Hahahahahaha!

    1. Chichikovovich

      [Insert obligatory "Rape is not funny" disclaimer here. And it certainly isn't. But as Cindy McCain observed, everything is funny on Wonkette.]

      Conservative women are allowed to have abortions, as long as afterwards they tell Jesus they feel bad about it, and he forgives them. In fact, the course of action Baldar recommends would secure a comfortable wingnut-welfare income, giving 100 speeches a year at $20,000 a pop, describing in extensive detail how crushing it is to know "I have murdered my baby" because of Planned Parenthood and Hollywood.

      1. LesBontemps

        Yeah but everyone knows teh Wonkete is all about assfucking, so no discount abortion necessary.

        1. PlanetWingNut

          Bureacrap…if i was in dc and had more than a little bit of money i so would set up a hotel hidden camera system in my room.

  16. freakishlywrong

    Benen said there were 5,500 registered..whatever the fuck these people are, and 1,000 press. So that's 1 press person for every 5 assholes. Have fun! (Netroots is covered like this as well).

  17. Not_So_Much

    I kind of like the European pronunciation of 'Wonkete'. Makes me feel all fancy and socialist.

  18. revmatty

    According to the American Conservative website they'll be participating in several COSPLAY sessions.

  19. Redhead

    Wait… is that a picture of Cain in the background, in the picture of the red carpet to dating shame?

  20. CapnFatback

    Now we’re listening to Andrew Breitbart rant about the Ocupados: “I hate these bastards,” he says. “I really hate these bastards.”


  21. MiniMencken

    Carry a copy of the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion" with you at all times. If you run into, say, Breitbart, ask him to autograph it. Then sell it on e-Bay. Then sell the story of how you did it to a magazine. You can thank me later, Jim.

  22. barto

    Oh c'mon, isn't that a condom wrapper peeking out of the planter there? Or is that left over from the Catholic Bishops convention last week…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Condom? Not likely. When you spend your time fucking little boys, you really don't need to worry about getting them pregnant. And if you give him a disease, the archbishop will just move you to another diocese.

  23. ttommyunger

    Better you than me, brave souls. Hope you are earning a shitload of moneez for this duty, no way would I pull it for any amount of cash. BTW, whoopee cushions are in order. What is life without laughter?

  24. Biff

    Note to Jim Newell: Any surplus Marriott Rewards points can be transferred to my account. Thanks in advance.

  25. Dashboard Buddha

    What's up with the font on the sign? Isn't that the same one rappers use for the "Thug4Life" tats on their bellies?

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Wait…the Tea Party is using the same font at heathen rappers AND the NYT?

        I smell a conspiracy. I bet that display is a false flag tea party setup.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    From the opening remarks at CPAC this morning (via Think Progress):

    Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has an interesting new recruiting strategy for conservatives. “Conservatives are simply more fun than liberals, and there is a reason for that,” he told the audience at the Conservative Political Action Conference this morning. “We’re always right.”

    This just flat-out fucking beggars belief.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        If only Yertyl would publish a collection of these pithy quotes in say, maybe, a little red book. Think of the money he could make at CPAC.

        You should suggest it to him, Jim.

    1. Nostrildamus

      “Conservatives are simply more fun than liberals, and there is a reason for that,”

      What's not funny about turtles?

  27. Preacher_Griz

    Hi Head Commentator Jim Newell-

    What a coincidence! Or is it the Hand of God guiding you? Whatev.

    I am at the Convention too!

    Come by my booth: Dominionists for Tancredo…it is the real crowded one down aisle L. People at CPAC do LOVE their Rep Tom and peanut butter filled pretzels!!!

    Award Winning Interblogger
    Conservative Christian

  28. Dashboard Buddha

    Nothingisamiss said I should get back to the snark. Who am I to argue?

    Found this headline: CPAC conservatives unite in opposition to Obama’s contraceptive rule

    Isn't this kinda like when, in a group of babies, one starts crying and the rest join in?

  29. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Careful while you're there Mr. Newell.

    You should carry an inflatable raft with you, in case a there is a car backfire, or door slam, or someone drops a glass. Because the subsequent pants-wetting will look a lot like that tsunami footage.

  30. lulzmonger

    It's only natural that Breitbart would hate OWS – hell hath no fury like a fat old camwhore upstaged.

  31. mcrummett

    Wonkete? Think of it as plausible deniability. "No, we're from that snarky, leftist We're from the completely unrelated wonkete!"

  32. Sheesko

    Work it, wonkers! Tip: the bourbon already has branch in it. Order yours straight up for maximum minimalism.

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