OH LOOK WHO IS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. this weekend, like her mother. CPAC brings out all the best stars! Also like her mother, no one is interested in paying Bristol Palin to yap these days, so she must offer as bribery a free signed copy of her senior year diary to the “first one hundred people to RSVP.” Aaaahahahahaha. So does that mean the four people who show up will have to take home 25 signed copies each?
Oh and also look, here is the Important Update on Bristol’s life we forgot OOPS to post back in January showing that she, unlike her mother, is toying with the idea of becoming a productive member of society:
In order to support herself Bristol is back to working as a receptionist at a dermatologist’s office in Anchorage where she worked before her flirtation with Hollywood.
Bristol also told the magazine that her days as a motivational speaker and TV star are over.
She is now planning on becoming an aesthetician and opening a beauty salon with her sister Willow, 17, who is starting beauty school next year.
So probably the book signing was Sarah Palin’s idea, to make a couple bucks for snacks. [Craigslist; Thanks to eagle-eyed Craigslist troll-operative "Scott S."]
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It's not very "ghostwritery" to show up at a book signing.
Who else do you think will help Bristol sign her name on each book?
And put the "X" on the check?
The ghostwriter's surname is French. Do you think Rick Santorum knows?
Do ya think Nancy ever gives Bristle a French Lick.
It is if your book signing is haunted.
Or much like a ghost town…
Get there quick before all the wine coolers are gone!
It would definitely be "hanging" out around Bristle; no fucking way it would stand on its own for her.
You say that now, but by the fourth margarita, she's starting to look like Uma Thurman
Before that, tho, more like Thurman Thomas in drag.
No chance with me, no longer do the drinky thing.
I wish I was as weak as you. (j/k)
It is easy, just give in to one thing: temptation….heh, heh.
Free with an entrance fee equal to the price of the book, sure.
aesthetician
You made that up.
Nope. Those are the ladies (or menz) who wax off your unwanted pubic hairs.
And for just $10 more they'll bleach your anus. Bonus!
In my town, they're referred to as Follicular Engineers.
I already got 7 free copies of the book with my subscription to Newsmax.
That would be Ewsmax, right? Or Newsmac. Or is it just Newsm?
But do they have the treasured Bristol "x"?!
beauty salon? doubtful.
The only things Palin women follow through with are pregnancies.
People of all ages are welcome, because it is never too early to learn how to get knocked up and make big money.
Your story's sad to tell, a teenage ne'er-do-well
Most mixed up non-delinquent on the block
Your future's so unclear now,
what's left of your career now
Can't even get a trade-in on your smile
Beauty school drop-out, no graduation day for you
Beauty school drop-out, missed your midterms
and flunked shampoo
Well at least you could have
taken time to wash and clean your clothes up
After spending all that dough to have the doctor
fix your nose up
no offense, Bristol, but I can find WAY better free things from a doctor's office receptionist on Craigslist
She is now planning on becoming an aesthetician and opening a beauty salon with her sister Willow, 17, who is starting beauty school next year.
I guess it took only one fat pregnancy for Bristol to start doing facials.
What are the odds that Willow will work being a teen mom into her busy schedule?
She'd never be out of jail in Oklahoma, wasting all that semen
A lot of those book signings only allow people that are 32 years old. It's a pleasant surprise to see Bristol allowing people of all ages.
Though most of them are from the Middle Ages.
Thanks for the update. At least I can now rest easily knowing that the meth addicts of Wassilla will have good hair.
Yeah, it'll distract from their missing teeth.
Strictly speaking, *Bristol* will have it, since meth makes your hair fall out anyway. I'm sure she'll manage to turn a tidy profit.
The Bristol-Willow Asstitician practice smells like a set up for a future Discovery Channel show. At least, I think that's what that smell is…
"Bristol also told the magazine that her days as a motivational speaker and TV star are over."
Translation: she shopped her shit all over Hollywood & none of those elite liberal losers would give her a contract to watch her smack her gum, carry her Starbuck cup around and they all hate her mother. Also. Too.
She wants to live a private life. Yet she just couldn't turn down the offer from a non-literary book publisher to wring one last dime from her mother's devotees.
I'm shocked that the Bristol Palin abstinence only motivational speaking gig didn't work as well as she hoped.
She was a "star"? hahahaha!
What if I gave her beads?
You mean anal beads, right? She already has several sets.
Well, them too.
She's into necklaces, I think.
You can never go wrong with a pearl necklace.
Mardi Gras in Washington DC is nowhere near as exciting as Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
"Show us your hopper! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I wonder if she will sign my copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting?
In order to support herself Bristol is back to working as a receptionist at a dermatologist’s office in Anchorage where she worked before her flirtation with Hollywood.
She's the office expert on semen and acne
"She is now planning on becoming an aesthetician and opening a beauty salon with her sister Willow, 17, who is starting beauty school next year."
Southeast Asian Nail Technicians of Anchorage, Fear and Tremble!!!!
If fear and tremble means laughing their asses off.
News of the Future: Headline in the Wasilla Wailer – Wasilla Nail Technicians Get Hammered.
The first 100 people to RSVP [commenter's note: isn't that, like, French or something?] will receive a free autographed book by Bristol herself
My wingnut grammer parser is in the shop, but I'm not sure this means the book is actually by Bristol. It could be "by Bristol herself" links to "will receive", and indicates just that Bristol will give you some autographed book or other. It could be Thomas Jefferson's own signed copy of Hume's Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion.
Jim should RSVP toot sweet, just in case.
Who the fuck writes this shit? "will receive a free autographed book by Bristol herself"? Actually, I think Bristle wrote it – highlighting the need for a ghostwriter.
(I like the cut-off sentence – "as she promotes her best selling memo". Anything more than "note to self – find out what "a brazilian" is" – would overtax that great intellect of hers)
Her ghostwriter is French. Where's the guillotine?
"She is now planning on becoming an aesthetician and opening a beauty salon with her sister Willow, 17, who is starting beauty school next year."
I will donate some of Bristol's start-up funds if it means that we never have to hear from anyone in her family again.
There's a starbucks across the street. If she threw in a free venti latte I MIGHT be tempted. But only if the weather's nice.
Bristol also told the magazine that her days as a motivational speaker and TV star are over.
And they started when?
She didn't have "days" as a motivational speaker and TV star.
She had "seconds."
Is she providing the cocaine and the keg, too??
The Cocaine and Keg would be a great name for a bar.
No, the meth and the wine coolers.
You can take the girl out of Wassilla…..
It's that bitch Megs McCain's fault…hogging all the the mediawhorage for the zaftig gooper girl set.
Not as good as what she used to give out for hanging out with her.
Amiright Levi?
"I wasn't really into the Hollywood thing" = "My 15 minutes were sooooo over!"
Child Support isn't free.
My days as a motivational speaker and TV star are also over.
Don't sell yourself short. See, you motivated me to write a reply. And, I have to tell you, normally I just don't give a fuck.
Is the "book by Bristol herself" different than the ghostwritten book?
Bristol Palin's Cunning Stunts Beauty Salon, coming soon to the Mall of Wasilla. Conveniently (for her) located between Cheesecake Universe and Dump-'Em-Here Daycare (motto: "Are you sure you didn't leave them at some other daycare?")
We Do Brazilians.
Or at least a million.
So, no journalism career like her mother, eh? Yet another disappointment for Caribou Barbie.
On the other hand, she won't be bringing her black basketball playing boyfriend home
So I take it none of that trashy clan are going to even consider college.
You must've overlooked that Willow is going to Beauty School. That's native Wasillan for University.
That's a high ambition for the child of a former Governor and Vice Presidential nominee! Once she finishes, maybe you should volunteer to get treated by her and report back to the rest of us.
Also the idea of a Palin having anything to do with beauty seems fairly ironic.
I'm sure getting a Palin Brazilian would involve her inexplicably screeching the word 'fag' and then leaving with hair still covering half my vagina.
OK, now I can't stop laughing again; you're good at that. And the funniness turns me on as well.
Don't be such an elitist. Not everyone is cut out for college. Or motivational speaking. Or dancing. Or government.
People just need to find the niche which is right for them.
Attention whore daughters of attention whores is people too, my friend!
The world needs ditch diggers too.
"Your mom goes to community college!"
That's so unfair. Both girls have scholarship offers from The Wanda Trussler School of Beauty.
Don't forget, College produced liberals by teaching you facts and how to think logically.
So true. And once you get past Bangs 101, it's smooth sailing. I can only imagine, once the shop is set up, there will be gaggles of eternal reminiscing for the "good ole minutes".
Does Liberty University have a cosmotology major?
Bristol fucking Palin? Holy shit, that's like having Joe the Plumber spe…fuck, really?
Will the books be signed with a lipstick?
With one of those pens that you turn upside down and the clothes fall off the man on the pen.
Crayon.
No, they save the lipstick for the pig named Sarah.
Brisket prolly thinks that there will be people camping outside the store the night before, and she plans to pay FREE visits to every single tent.
Beauty school dropout…
Also, are pregnancies the only thing Palins don't quit on?
"Book by Bristol herself" has only four words: "Close cover before striking."
You go, Bristol. And take your trashy sister with you.
She should hand out the crayons used to write the original manuscript.
A gh-g-gh-ghost!
10 to 12 this Saturday? Darn, I'm getting my toe knuckles waxed that morning.
Wow, the cons sure are big on handouts…Ayn Rand must be turning over in her grave…
free autographed book by Bristol herself.
Come on, folks, this is Grift Central here. Autograph = free. Book = $24.95.
If they're opening a beauty salon together does that mean that they're going to have to give rub & tugs to TODD?
Oh, come on. That is just sick. Sick, sick, sick. Of course, they won't give rub and tugs to daddy.
They'll get their little brother to do it.
I bet its like a Southside Johnny concert, and everybody is really just hoping Bruce shows up, in this case, the Mama Grizzley Tundra Grifter.
Don't say that with Jukesgrrl around. She goes to Springsteen concerts hoping Southside Johnny shows up.
I'd have said Cats On A Smooth Surface, or The Iron City House Rockers, but I thought it would be too obscure.
Hey, I go to Springsteen concerts hoping that Joe Grushecky shows up!—
I go to Springsteen shows hoping Danny Federici and Clarence Clemons show up.
Too soon, right?
And everybody, don't forget to wear your Flyers jerseys.
I had forgotten that precious moment. Made me proud to be a hockey fan. Almost made me take back all the nasty things I've said about Fred Shero over the years.
Bristol also told the magazine that her days as a motivational speaker and TV star are over.
If at first you don't succeed, QUIT! How's that for motivation?
Something about apples, trees and falling comes to mind here.
Yep, the Palin apple is just too goddamned lazy to fall far from the Palin tree.
Considering all the dough her mother has grifted you'd think she would spring for some college edjumacation for her offspring.
P.S.: Willow, I don't think beauty school means what you think it means. They don't actually teach you how to…oh, never mind.
I dunno. Belts are probably having to be tightened around the Palin household these days. Bus rental isn't cheap, especially when you have no means of support.
Watch, some hillbilly from Idaho or Mississippi will knock her up.
Again.
I liked Ghost Rider better when it was Nicholas Cage
Just what the world needs!
A salon specializing in Bump It-ology!
I was thinking the same thing– Bumpits by Bristol (and Willow).
Or maybe Armpits and Bumpits by Bristol and Willow.
"Armpits and Bumpits."
What a charming name for a salon!
So obviously she already ran out of her Candies Foundation money and Dancing With the Stars money.
And if she sold that pile she bought in Maricopa, AZ, she lost money on that, too. It's worth even less now than when she bought it. The housing crisis in the Palin's second-favorite state is still raging everywhere except the best neighborhoods in Scottsdale.
"Free? ….Hmmmmm….OK ! Write her up, Chumlee!"
Bristol Palin Promises You Free Stuff If You Will Hang Out With Her
Not strictly true. The "stuffing" is not free – you're gonna have to provide some wine coolers (although I think having to hang out with her afterwards is a far higher price to pay)
This is why federal mandates regarding contraception are important.
Sorry, I read this first as "federal manatees" – Bristle hasn't put on that much weight, has she?
BYOC!!
(bring your own condoms)
Bring Your Own Coolers!!
Did she get her ghostwriter pregnant?
"Bristol also told the magazine that her days as a motivational speaker and TV star are over."
Uh… flyin' a bit loose with the star thingy…
She may actually have 14m 57s left on her TV star career.
"Hang on to that, Brisket — you could cash it in sometime."
I think she went a half hour over with her DWTS stint.
Why in the holy fuck would I want someone to sign a book they didn't actually write?
Are you talking about Ol' 1 L and the bible?
I once saw Pete Rose sitting completely alone at a little folding card table in a sports memorabilia shop in a mall in Vegas. Not a single fuck was given, people just walked by without looking, as he sat there hoping to sell signed balls for $25.00. Looks like it took a lot less time for Bristol to get to that point than Charlie Hustle.
To be fair, Bristol's batting average is no where near what Pete Rose's was.
All new patients to the dermatology office in Alaska get to sit in the waiting room and hear Bristol say "Good morning thank you for calling XYZ Dermatology, how may I help you?" That's a prize in and of itself.
Not having my very own ghostreader, I'll have to pass.
Walking past a beauty shop every day I know some of those 'procedures' look a little painful. But Alaskan Beauty Shops need an aesthetician?
You know who else put an ad on Craigslist?
Willow?
Every closet case at CPAC?
Levi?
Is Books-A-Million a remainder outlet? If so, how long did it take for her book to be remaindered?
Wait, are you supposed to acknowledge that you used a ghostwriter, much less have them at "your" "book" signing?
I thought she was employed by the local sperm bank as the night deposit box?
Oh my God! I have received an award like no other and that is my first name and the initial of my last name has been recognized by Wonkette and now I am an Operative.
When I saw this ad (from the Short Form Blog) I thought to myself "Holy Shit, she's still relevant?"
So what the hell is going to do with her Meth Distribution Center in Maricopa, AZ?
Even God herself could not keep a Palin away from a spotlight.
She would get a much larger audience if she ran this "press release" in the Casual Encounters section of the DC and Northern Virginia Craigslists.
Wait, doesn't she have a ranchito in Arizona?
I love these fading light stories. Betty Hutton working the cosmetic counter at Macy's. Frank James, a greeter outside a casino in Ft Worth, TX. Sitting Bull, learning to write his name in order to sell autographs. And old Joe McCarthy rambling the dark aisles of Congress, opening doors, looking for TV cameras, in the three years between his censure by Congress and expiring from drink.
Sic semper somebodies …
Free autograph? Meh. What will I get for a wine cooler?
First 100? As if that will ever happen.
Isn't Books-a-Million one of those remaindered book warehouses where books like Eggplant Comes to the Party! and What the Government Doesn't Want You to Know about UFOs are sold for $3?
Books like the ones the Palin family writes.
Wait a second. Nancy FRENCH?!?!?! Zoot Allures! Zat eez simplay un-Americain, mademoiselle (or is it madame?)
I believe the word you are looking for is "cunt". In French though, you have to zay eet vereeeee nay-zah-lee.
I can't believe Politics & Prose didn't try to get in on this amazing, blockbuster event!
Oh right. Standards.
Let her join the army and fight in the bloody wars her mother is so famous for promoting and trying to prolong.
She may not be qualified. Is she a HS grad? I'm not sure what the current requirements are, but back in the day when I recruited, females had to be HS grads. The dependent thingy would have required a waiver, too. Also.
New copies on Amazon are less than five bucks – and the price is heading south.
Meanwhile, "Bestseller?" Just where the Hell was that?
First 100 people get a free book.
Seond 100 get two free books.
Your story sad to tell,
A teenage ne'er do well,
Most mixed up non-delinquent on the block!
Your future's so unclear now,
What's left of your career now?
Can't even get a trade in on your smile!
Angels: (La lalala lalala lalala…)
Beauty school dropout,
No graduation day for you.
Beauty school dropout,
Missed your midterms and flunked shampoo!
Well at least you could have taken time, to wash and clean
your clothes up,
After spending all that dough to have the doctor fix your (chin) up!
No chance that this is a hoax is there?
…Beauty School Dropouts…
Man smart, woman smarter.
So. Pillow, or Wilbur, or whatever, is gonna go to beauty "college". I don't remember Brisket or Gristle or whatever even graduating high school, let alone beauty "college". I guess her gig will be front-desk, then? Maybe they'll also have a chair for Wiper, or Viper, or whatever, after she too graduates from Liberty U Beauty Division? The possibilities are endless!
Bristle can sniff my ass
THIS IS SOCIALIST BOOK GIVING!
Hmmmm. So — Bristol Palin will be at the DuPont Circle Books A-Million store.
I haven't been in DC for a few years but, as I recall, DuPont Circle was the center of the universe for people with alternative lifestyles.
Is DuPont Circle still the Gay Capital of DC?
Does Bristol know this?
What will she do if half the flamers in DC show up at her book signing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That visit to the gay bar really shook her up.
the age of the palin is over.
the age of the orc is about to begin.
ghost writers are supposed to be just that,"ghosts", you don't parade them out as a sign of ineptitude
As the saying goes, "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
A hairdresser, after those fleeting moments in the limelight, would melt even my black-turtlenecked heart (though Mama Grizzly sure taught her daughters to dream big, didn't she?). But it's the Daily Mail, so who knows if it's on the level.
haven't the palin girls been giving "stuff" away for free always anyways?
Sigh! Most of you won't know what I'm talking about, but long ago in a land far away (America, past) authorship was a profession reserved for those with something important to share with the world and their books were considered noteworthy for much more (or less) than the almighty Dollar. Nowadays, it seems any fuckwad with a modicum of name-recognition is pounced on by some publisher or interest group, has his/her name attached to a book and is trotted out to the masses as an "author", propounding this point of view or the other. So sad.
It's a bummer you'll be too busy to enjoy my humor this weekend.
Yes, I wish I had someone, er, something fun to do this weekend.
They're not saying "boo," they are saying "Boo-urns."
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