HISTORY IS FOR CRAZY PEOPLE  11:34 am February 9, 2012

Rick Santorum Describes First Amendment As … French Guillotine?

by Wonkette Jr.

What is loopy church lady Rick Santorum whining about now? As he goes crazier, in public, Santorum has stopped bothering with traditional approaches to speaking and now just tosses out “They” a couple of times, mentions religion and then throws in France, for weird measure — and he pronounces “France” as guillotine. It’s marvelous. But he is attacking the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution here, is he not? Will Rick Santorum finally demand the repeal of the Bill of Rights?

Here is a transcript of the actual words formed by Weird Rick’s pouty little mouth:

They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why? When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove the pillar of God-given rights, then what’s left is the French Revolution. What’s left is the government that gives you right, what’s left are no unalienable rights, what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it. What’s left in France became the guillotine.

Okay! Next up for Santorum: Day care is the Spanish Inquisition. No, wait, the Spanish Inquisition is a good thing to Opus Dei nutballs like Santorum. Uhh, who knows, tune in tomorrow? [Think Progress via The Awl]

 
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{ 247 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] February 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

I think we are going to need a Santorum Corollary to the Godwin Rule.

old_phineas February 9, 2012 at 12:33 pm

AKA, Frothy Mixture's Rule

freddymcmurray February 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

the well-lubed one also called mitten "well-oiled". you can't make this stuff up.

Crank_Tango February 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Brylcream libel!

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm

And really he was ripping of the now-forgotten Huntsguy, who termed Mittens "a perfectly-lubricated weathervane." Much better metaphor, but Rick's got to keep some distance between himself and "lubrication."

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

The formulation of that phrase right there is the reason nobody paid any attention to smarty-magic-pants Huntsman.

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Plus he seemed like a bigger dick than Romney.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Fudge vs. Smudge

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

What a cutting remark!

neiltheblaze February 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

Deeply incisive.

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

Sharp!

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 11:48 am

Cuts right to the heart.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 11:48 am

I'm sure glad he didn't stick his neck out.

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 11:49 am

Slice! Damn!

(Sorry, I was just playing golf in my mind. What were we talking about?)

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 11:48 am

It cleaves through the issues.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Razor-like insight.

Swampgas_Man February 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm

The first blade lifts the santorum, the second slices it, the third shaves it closer still. By the fourth and fifth blade, it's basically a guillotine.

chicken_thief February 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

I thought he'd lost his head there for a sec…

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Like Gov. Jan Brewer in the Arizona desert?

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

…talking to, and getting tempted by, Satan?

Dudleydidwrong February 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Rick's comments always sound as if his head/brain is disconnected from his body. That's why he talks out of his asshole.

OC_Surf_Serf February 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

Isn't it amazing that your God hates exactly the same people you do?

MildMidwesterner February 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

Santorum's ex-girlfriends will have it coming to them in the afterlife.

Tommy1733 February 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Nicely said –

unclejeems February 9, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Score!

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

What is it about the hardcore lunatic Christians that makes them want to be persecuted so much, even when they're completely in charge?

edgydrifter February 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

They blame PETA for the lack of Christian-eating lions in modern America.

BerkeleyBear February 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

Because much like jihadis, they've been taught a lot of myths about how martyrs go straight to heaven. And because almost no one wants to admit that they, in fact, are the Man, and are keeping everyone else down.

One reason I like Bernard Cornwall's bloody as all get out Norsemen historical fiction – he skewers the Christian mythology pretty thoroughly. Martyrs don't go peaceably – they get hacked to pieces while shrieking.

ChernobylSoup February 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I just Googled your Mr Bernard and he looks like my kind of writer. Where should I start?

BerkeleyBear February 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

He's best known for the Sharpe novels (England, Napoleon, etc.) but I was referring to the Lords of the North. They are his current series, but I find just about anything he writes fun to read.

bureaucrap February 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

If you're standing in the way of their hegemony, you are persecuting THEM. Their god-given right is to deprive you of yours.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 11:52 am

It took Christianity only 67 years to go from being an outlawed persecuted cult in the Roman Empire to taking control of the Empire and persecuting all non-Christians. They've got a history of being hypocritical dicks.

An_Outhouse February 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Practising cannibalism every Sunday leads to a persecution complex.

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm

That's called the "self-fulfilling prophecy." We just used to call them "prophecies", before we learned of DNA, the Miller-Urey experiment, and Hubble's Constant.

We now know them as "bollocks".

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Gives them a built in excuse for persecuting others.

slowhansolo February 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

What's left is what's behind: santorum.

edgydrifter February 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

There's some gals in Salem, MA who might want to discuss the concept of religious freedoms and unalienable rights in a theocratic state with you. Well, their murdered ghosts anyway.

neiltheblaze February 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Ricky would have thought they were witches too. He would have taken a front row seat at their hangings.

slithytoves February 9, 2012 at 11:39 am

What’s left is the government that gives you right, what’s left are no unalienable rights, what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it.

Right dickhead, because the Catholic church never did any of those things in France.

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

What's a Huguenot again? Or how about the Jews?

MosesInvests February 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Not to mention Albigensians.

Terry February 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

…and there are NO churches in France any more. That Notre Dame place only looks churchy.

twoeightnine February 9, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Don't they play football there?

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

elviouslyqueer February 9, 2012 at 11:40 am

Hey Creamcup! I'm crushing your faith! Muahahahahahahaha!

Radiotherapy February 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

Let them eat kook.

Schmannnity February 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

Wait. I had no idea that the French Revolution had anything to do with condoms.

IncenseDebate February 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Try these new French Revolution condoms. They're so stimulating you'll lose your head.

sunmusing February 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Ot a little. I was just reading this.. .http://www.addictinginfo.org/2012/02/09/condom-maker-creates-special-mitt-romney-rubber-for-elite-penises/, and was wondering if one could get some with Santorum's face on it.

Dudleydidwrong February 9, 2012 at 1:00 pm

What do you think was being stored in that Bastille? The church didn't want the masses to obtain those stretchy rubber thingies.

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 1:55 pm

You've never heard of "French letters"?

Swampgas_Man February 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

It didn't; Madame LaFarge just wanted to be a lady priest.

memzilla February 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

This is what happens when you stick sound bites together with the epoxy glue of religious fanaticism, and mix in a little LSD.

G-d, I'm so old I remember when Republicans actually cared that their campaign speeches made some kind of stand-alone sense, rather than just blithering on with the obvious Anti-Sheriff-Is-Near prole fodder.

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

If the French have freedom of speech, then HELL NO, we don't want it!

They can keep their damn edible snails too. The hell with all that.

And none of that Spanish Inquistion stuff, either. We talk AMERICAN around here. If you can't inquisitate in AMERICAN then go back to communist Cuba or something.

GunToting[Redacted] February 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

No matter how much butter and garlic you add, at the end of the day, all a snail is is a slug with a shell on its back.

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Yeah, I tried them once. It was like eating a gluey glob of extremely salty garlic. Not really sure if there was a snail in there or not.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Ignore the snail, that is the correct approach. Also, bread to mop up the garlic butter after you put the snail aside.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 1:58 pm

What is French for "guillotine," anyway?

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it.

Er..this guy wants to ban contraception because HE doesn't approve of what ladies do when they're on it…so, irony meet death.

HateMachine February 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

He does realize that whatever he may claim, the French Revolution established a state deistic religion, something expressly forbidden under the First Amendment, right?

Wait, what am I saying? Rick Santorum has never realized anything in his life.

chicken_thief February 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

French = faggy wimps who we had to bail out in WWI and WWII
Revolution = communist pinko anti-capitalism

Therefore, it doesn't matter what really happened way back then, the words form the perfect mental image to his base.

Terry February 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

…and if I recall correctly, the French patterned some things post-Revolution after what was done here in America. Well, they came up with the head chopping off stuff, themselves.

WhatTheHolyHeck February 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm

The day he realizes he craves cock, the sun will set on a better America.

HateMachine February 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

…albeit a worse-off local gay bar/club scene.

SoBeach February 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

To paraphrase Papa SoBeach, quit crying 'religious persecution' or I'll give you some religious persecution to cry about!

jus_wonderin February 9, 2012 at 12:05 pm

"I'm pulling this 'religious persecution' over RIGHT NOW!"

OC_Surf_Serf February 9, 2012 at 11:42 am

Well, the guillotine does open a new path to dialogue…

TeaNuts February 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

Off with all their heads, than lets go bowling.

chicken_thief February 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Makes it much easier to cram shit down the throat.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Blade goes up, blade comes down.

You can't explain that.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Open-throated discourse.

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

Our sacred Founding Fathers (and Mothers, for all I know) thought "E pluribus unum" was a pretty good motto.

It wasn't until the 1950's, when we added "Under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance that our motto officially became "In God We Trust."

The French motto is "Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité." Those rights in France didn't come from God – they came from a society that grants them and then enforces them.

Personally, I'm quite a bit more interested in exercising and keeping my rights than in debating where I got them. The important thing is that we either have them or that we're working to reclaim them.

For everyone, by the way. Because I don't have them unless everyone else does, too.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

If I could give this a million thumbs-up, I would.

Tundra Grifter February 9, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Sheesko:

I've overwhelmed. You are too kind.

One ThumbsUp is more than enough.

Nostrildamus February 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Our next official motto will be "Let 'em die".

Swampgas_Man February 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

"And fry in Hell." Don't forget the afterlife torture.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

So, we're on the path to guillotining religious crazies? I don't see the problem here.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

I'm weaving a head-catching basket in anticipation!

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

So will you be giving head

s away?

Oh dear. What an unfortunate line break. I'm still getting used to my new hands.

CrankyLttlCamperette February 9, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I'll give knitting lessons!

gullywompr February 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

Why do people that hate the government so much want to be in charge of it?

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Because. Republicans.

GunToting[Redacted] February 9, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Because that's where the money is.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Same with the churches.

bikerlaureate February 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

As well as that sweet, sweet power to tell lots of other people what they're forbidden to do.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

"They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why?"

You are taking sanity and crushing it. Why? Why?

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why? When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove the pillar of God-given rights, then what’s left is the French Revolution.

But that whole divine right of kings thing had been working out so well for them. I thought all the madness and murder and terror was over their naming November "Thermidor." That would piss anyone off.

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

"They are taking faith and crushing it. Why?"

BECAUSE IT IS STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID. YOUR VOTERS ARE STUPID. THEY ARE 40, GOING ON THREE.

Rick, it really, really hurts to know that you speak of faith in an age of reason. To use your words, "When you marginalize [reason] in America; when you remove the pillar of [enlightened] rights, then what's left is the [Dark Ages]. What's left is a [church that demands your fealty] … "

And if your rhetoric holds true, then why do French people no longer use the guillotine?

Steverino247 February 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Because they got tired of pulling that heavy blade back up all damned day? "Qui a su qu'effaçant la chose infâme soyez tellement travail?"

(Babel Fish, don't fail me now!)

Veritas78 February 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

Can you imagine listening to this hateful obsessed dickhead for four years? Neither can anyone else.

KeepFnThatChicken February 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

…and his wife must be the first idiot convert, because she kept on sexing him.

slowhansolo February 9, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Oh, I think we Pennsylvanians have a pretty good idea how that turns out after a while. (HINT: He lost by 17%.)

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Rick Santorum doesn't concern me near as much as the fact that there are people that support him.
Those are the ones we need to be worried about. Those are the ones that like to blow up clinics and gun down doctors in cold blood because the voice in their head told them too.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 9, 2012 at 1:51 pm

the voice in their head

Commonly known as FOX News

EatsBabyDingos February 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

[cue creepy music]: "The democrats and child molestors love the so-called Bill of Rights. Freedom loving Americans do not. It's not what we want, because we aren't child molestors. Santorum: Proud to bring you the Bill of Wrongs."

Goonemeritus February 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

I think we can all agree life under Sharia Law is the only way to go.

WhatTheHolyHeck February 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

His checklist is getting a great workout.

France! Founding fathers! Oppression! Censorship! Nanny state! Redistribution of wealth! Communism! Socialism! Amero! Esperanto! One world government! Guns! Abortion! Ladies making decisions! Satan! Islam! The Jews! Terrorism! The gay agenda! Traditional family values! Christian nation! Trickle down! Union thuggery! Brown people!

I'm sure I missed a few dozen.

BerkeleyBear February 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

Right, the horror was the product of impiety, not centuries of autocratic overreaching, oppression and social imbalance leading to radicalization. I suppose that's why all the Muslim terrorists invoke rational free thought instead of Allah when they attack. Oh, wait . . .

smashedinhat February 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

Fear. FEEAAAAR!!

Also, insanity.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

Rick's wife approves this message. So does Rick's handmaid, Ofrick.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Ofrick and her five daughters?

Clancy_Pants February 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

Dude's cilice must be riding up. Makes me cranky too.

neiltheblaze February 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Just goes to show – there's an online market for everything.

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Ouch! Hurts just to read about it.

Dudleydidwrong February 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Thanks. Just in time for Valentine's Day.

Dashboard Buddha February 9, 2012 at 1:26 pm

What the everloving fuck??

"Light-weight full length waist cilice made by Italian Nuns"

I have a couple of problems with this.

First…made by nuns? Ewwww. Imagines of elderly crones sitting around stitching together Holy Bondage Wear…

Second – Light weight Light Weight? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Our forefathers, after shamefully planting their seeds in the Farrows of the Mothers didn't worry about light weight! No…they wanted the heaviest, most awkward Holy Bondage Wear available. They wanted to feel the pain AND the weight of our Savior's trials…right there around the waist…a little lower…lower…ahhhh, Jesus, I'm coming!

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 11:47 am

I read that like four times and still don't understand it.

Does anyone here speak fluent Santorum? Anyone? Anyone conversant in the Santorum tongue?

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I speak deranged. (Both the Glib and Mumbling dialects.) But Santorum? It's all Greek to me.

chicken_thief February 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Please. No "santorum" and "tongue" in the same sentence. Pretty please with sugar on top.

neiltheblaze February 9, 2012 at 11:48 am

Please, Republicans, nominate this addled lunatic. PRETTY PLEASE!!

Mumbletypeg February 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

Could it be that the word "guillotine" elicits soft, fuzzy warm feelings for teh Rick as with its phonetically-similar neighbor, "guilty" — for one as with the other, he knows each is loaded with meaning and capable of amp'ing up one's message, don't ask him how exactly it applies here or there! or get bogged down in the refinements of analogizing! just take his word, get out of his way and let the enfant terrible play with his wordthings.

JustPixelz February 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

The authors of the First Amendment had experience with theocracy tinged government. That's why they wanted separation of church and state.

Historical factoid: In the 1830s, the governor of New York proposed public funding for Catholic schools as a way to fill an urgent need to educate immigrant children. Protestants objected strenuously citing "separation of church and state". They prevailed. Even then — just a few decades under the new Constitution — secular government was well-understood and valued.

unclejeems February 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

You are correct. But the rise of public schools was motivated by Protestants who wanted to protestant-ize and de-pope the kids of Catholic immigrants. The dirty little secret is that fervent religionist hate each other more than they hate anybody else. So throw 'em in the ring and let 'em fight it out.

FakaktaSouth February 9, 2012 at 11:50 am

Wait, the French Revolution was about guillotine-ing the people who didn't care about the very poor, yes? So maybe he is actually subliminally trying to get us to rise up and behead Romney. I would have a lot more respect for him if that was it.

EatsBabyDingos February 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

Real men don't need a two foot phallus for a microphone. Unless it has TruckNutz.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Rosie O'Donnell will use official O'Donnell for President trucknutz on her mic stand. I'm pretty sure she will, because it would be funny and really piss off NBC's standards & practices codgers, even if she watches her language and keeps her hands off her crotch.

ph7 February 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

"They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why?"

Because 2,000 years of superstition is enough?

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

LOL, that's just the current, modern, Xtian variety. Why, back in the day, we had dudes worshiping rocks and comets and very large trees.

Same diff, I guess. Superstitious is as superstitious does.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Brings out the flavor.

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm

It's just the Xtians. The Zoroastrians down the street from me tend to mind their own business. And the Druid couple on the corner always keep their yard well-tended.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Because you can fit more faith in the recycling container if you crush it first?

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 11:51 am

Of course, out of the ashes of the French Revolution rose to power a megalomaniac who went on to conquer most of Europe, so we have that to look forward to, if Rick's simile holds.

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Yeah, when you see how badly the French fucked up this whole democracy thing the first couple go-rounds, it makes early US America look pretty competent by comparison.

Our one big hang-up was a legacy vice left over from our British founders – that little slavery issue.

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 1:02 pm

How else was a second son of a noble English family going to make his fortune, if not by going to the New World to set up a plantation run by slaves? Everybody needs an opportunity to get a ahead in the world.

And by the way, the French weren't exactly benevolent in their treatment of the Haitians. Or the Vietnamese. Or the Algerians.

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 12:22 pm

And who also kidnapped and executed one Pope, then cut a deal with a second one that made France a permanent Catholic state.

To this day, France has the highest percentage of church attendance of any Yurpeen nation

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 1:04 pm

But way lower than US America, right? "Gallup International indicates that 41% of American citizens report they regularly attend religious services, compared to 15% of French citizens, 10% of UK citizens,[2] and 7.5% of Australian citizens."

Here's more good Wiki-news: "The country with the highest rate of church attendance in the world is Nigeria (89%)." Let that be our example!

For additional enjoyment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_attendance

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I thought Evangelicals didn't consider Catholics "real" Xtians?

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Anti-Fags of Convenience.

Blueb4sunrise February 9, 2012 at 11:52 am

Stoopid. Guillotine is SECOND Amendment!!!

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 11:52 am

"Let them eat santorum!"

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

what’s left are no unalienable rights

This would be the French Revolution that outlawed slavery while the Crucible of Freedom would continue to practice it for more than a half century, and would discontinue it only after an orgy of carnage that makes the Terror look like a game of pétanque, right?

Knowledgeable as always, Drippy has evidently not heard of this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Declaration_of_the_R

ThundercatHo February 9, 2012 at 11:53 am

Why is it taking so long for the guys from the Sanitorium to come and take him away?

Swampgas_Man February 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

You theink THEY want to be around him?

freakishlywrong February 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

The separation of church and sanity.

Slim_Pickins February 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

This is why many of the Founding Fathers despised religion as "the engine of tyranny," they knew a Rick Santorum would come along sooner or later.

sharethegrief February 9, 2012 at 11:55 am

I'm already starting to hoard contraceptives.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Santorum is not sponge-worthy.

Dudleydidwrong February 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Ask any American former junior high student who kept one in his wallet for emergency purposes or bragging rights. After so long they dry out and fall apart when you need 'em the most. LL Bean sells a moose fur-lined condom safe that guarantees usability for five years.

BaldarTFlagass February 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

You know who else killed a lot of Frenchmen?

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

The clap?

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 11:58 am

Julius Caesar?

meatlofer February 9, 2012 at 11:59 am

Lance Armstrong?

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Saint Angel, the triple-cream brie?

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

No, they seem to be able to wash that down with fine red wines and relax with a Gauloise Bleu afterward and still outlive us on the average. Reason enough to hate them!

DaRooster February 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Botchulism?

ph7 February 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Jacques the Ripper?

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Henry V?

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 12:11 pm

The Catholic Church?

MosesInvests February 9, 2012 at 12:30 pm

In the Albigensian Crusade and the Heugenot persecutions, yes.

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Those were two of the ones I had in mind, yes. The witch-crazes were another. As were the assorted persecutions of Jews. The death of Étienne Dolet for atheism. The condemnation and death by torture of Jean-François de la Barre on an implausible blasphemy charge….

There's no shortage.

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Wait, which "Matrix" was that in??

neiltheblaze February 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Jerry Lewis?

Lascauxcaveman February 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

French driving habits?

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Capitan Schettino?

HistoriCat February 9, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Kaiser Wilhelm?

actor212 February 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

The Grand Royale with Cheese?

paris biltong February 9, 2012 at 12:45 pm

The summer of 2003 heat wave.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:10 pm

INJUNS!!!

Steverino247 February 9, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Marechal Ferdinand "It takes fifteen thousand casualties to train a major-general" Foch?

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:35 pm

The bubonic plague?

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 1:57 pm

The Paris-Dakar?

horsedreamer_1 February 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Iulius, der Kaiser?

RedneckMuslin February 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

Croissants for everybody! Viva La Freedom!

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 11:57 am

"…what’s left is a government that will tell you what you’ll do…
Right, this from the guy who wants the states to ban sodomy. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/03/rick-san

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 11:58 am

Personally I think our politicians would behave quite a bit better if they thought there was even a 1% chance of us rising up and chopping their heads off. Unfortunatly I am way too far down in my HFCS/Xbox coma to even contemplate hatcheting someone to death, much less constructing something as involved as a guillotine.
PS – it just took me way too long to figure out how to spell guillotine. Fucking french and their fancy fucking words.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Yeah. They have a different word for EVERYTHING. So fucking elitist.

BigDumbRedDog February 9, 2012 at 2:03 pm

It's just the extraneous letters that piss me off.

FlownOver February 9, 2012 at 11:59 am

"But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet…" Matt. 6:6 (KJV)

Poor Frothy – he's just confused about when to be in the closet and when to come out.

Ruhe February 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

When I make Opus Dei nutballs I always add a bit of paraffin to the dipping chocolate so that when they cool off they have a nice shine. I do the same with my Buckeye recipe but I like to finish those off with some violent shaking.

Mumbletypeg February 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Just read the Awl comments. Josh Fruhlinger FTW!

/hat-tip to former editors that're still missed

HistoriCat February 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Oh sure – he has time to comment on The Awl … but does he ever stop in here and say "hi"?

orygoon February 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

More of the endless Republican War On Analogies.

Sigh.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 9, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Okay, so faith is the lube, the French Revolution is the jizz, and … government is the poop? No, wait, poop is the guillotine! … right?

Man, this IS difficult to follow.

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

And M. Guillotine, here, is the shepherd.

WhatTheHeck February 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Moron, imbecile, idiot.
Need I say any more?

ThundercatHo February 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Dimwit, penishead, shitferbrains.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 9, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Can I get a Fuckstick?
*FUCKSTICK!!*
Amen!

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Over the last few mornings, Glenn Beck (who's a big Santorum fan, in case you hadn't guessed) has been alluding to the French Revolution pretty frequently, so that's probably where this meme is coming from. Glenn's take on it, though, is kinda unique — "The problem with the French Revolution," he's said repeatedly, and I swear I'm not making this up, "is that it turned into Occupy Wall Street." This is the teabaggers' historian in chief, everybody.

meatlofer February 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm

The "new" French Navy has glass bottomed boats. So they can keep an eye on the "old " French Navy.

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Santorum believes in the separation of speech and sense.

IncenseDebate February 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Guess we're gonna have to tell him that he's got no cerebellum.

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Just an antebellum.

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm

when you remove the pillar of God-given rights…. What’s left is the government that gives you right, what’s left are no unalienable rights

The slaves in early American society had a God-given, [in]alienable right to be free. And even so, those ingrates kept hoping for a government that would grant them that right. They deserved their bondage.

FrancoPinyon February 9, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Joke's over. Time move this guy off th e presidential campaign trail. You risk even the slightest chance that a nutball like Santorium makes it onto a real ballot.

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 12:13 pm

what’s left are no unalienable rights

Santorum's brain has two halves. The left half has nothing right, and the right half has nothing left.

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 12:15 pm

So Rick's saying that the divine-right monarchy overthrown by the French Revolution was preferable to the democracy that was the eventual outcome. Sounds about right. Does Ricky think he's running for Le Roi? Someone should tell him that's not an elective office.

MissTaken February 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Sooooo, it's good to be King??

SorosBot February 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Except that those peasants are revolting.

John Birf Society February 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

A children's treasury of Rick Santorum anagrams:
1. Rack Moist Run
2. Croaks Rim Nut
3. Snack Rim Tour
4. Racist Murk On
5. Karmic Runs To
6. A Scrotum Rink
7. Crank Tourism
8. Cram Ink Tours
9. Can Risk Tumor
10. Scat Kin Rumor

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Anus trim rock

mrblifil February 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Dickheads will roll.

BTWBFDIMHO February 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Liberté, Egalité, et Irrationalité.

Local_Mojo February 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Maybe we need more Catholic men on the Supreme Court!

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm

How about a nice atheist for a change? Sex won't matter, since they're all gay.

hagajim February 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I am firmly of the belief that pretty much everything that Ricky says spews out in a mix of anus juice and lube. This guy talks so much shit he creates his own Santorum.

Redhead February 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Has he been taking Michele's crazy pills?

SheriffRoscoe February 9, 2012 at 12:25 pm

O Ye of little faith…..

Lucidamente1 February 9, 2012 at 12:28 pm

You have to admit, though, that Michelle Obama would make the sexiest Madame Defarge ever.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I wouldn't knit, though. She'd braid garlic. Very French.

mrblifil February 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm

He's got a lot of fucking Gaul.

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Ils sont fous, les Santorums!

Or perhaps:
Ils sont fous, les [Catholiques] romains!

LesBontemps February 9, 2012 at 12:30 pm

As was anti-Papist fervor.

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm

A time-traveling anti-Papist would observe a Santorum speech and go, "I told you so!!"

JustPixelz February 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Exemplified by the aptly named Know Nothing Party.

Guppy February 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Because there are no Catholics in France.

Lucidamente1 February 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm

With apologies to P. G. Wodehouse:

The trouble with you, Santorum, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the American scene by going about in sweater vests, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Hurray, Santorum!" and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: "Look at that frightful ass Santorum swanking about in a sweater vest! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?"

Dashboard Buddha February 9, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"Next up for Santorum: Day care is the Spanish Inquisition."

I didn't expect you to say that.

savethispatient February 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I suspect this whole Catholic / birth-control problem was invented somewhere in the West Wing, to help boost Santorum and therefore hurt Romney for a while. Obama can presumably let it run for a couple more days then meet with 'Catholic leaders' and work out some compromise that no-one will even remember in November, right?

ThundercatHo February 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I still harbor my "West Wing" fantasies too.

savethispatient February 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Obviously these nefarious Obama plans were hatched while walking around in circles, right?

horsedreamer_1 February 9, 2012 at 7:14 pm

From my cough to your soul.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:17 pm

He already did. There was a plan afoot, since shot down, to give employees of religious institutions the means to opt out of contraception coverage.

Ms_E_Abernathy February 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm

We certainly don't want a government granting us rights. That would suck. Thanks for offering to save us from that awful fate, Rick.

Also, too, didn't the French Revolution sort of ground itself in the inalienable rights of people, kind of inspired by the American Revolution? And stuff like that.

donner_froh February 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

The French are godless and evil because they are so rational–Descartes and all that. The only way to fight them is to ban rationality.

Lucidamente1 February 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Hey Rick, I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

BlueStateLibel February 9, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Seriously, WTF is he talking about?! If this was a college freshman paper, he'd get "See me – we need to talk" written on it.

paris biltong February 9, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Lafayette says fuck y'all.

jus_wonderin February 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

OT: FLOTUS in Texas today. Yay! Wish I could go see her when she's in Dallas.

orygoon February 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm

And don't you know that her big ol' wish for today is that you could be there, too.

orygoon February 9, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Taking submissions for a new name for the frenchy-sounding Willamette River.

MarionNYNY February 9, 2012 at 12:51 pm

He's right about those damn secular "rights." Damn librals even fought a war to abolish slavery in this country. Slavery! Imagine that, another thing that's in the bible that they outlawed!

Baconzgood February 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Ahhhhhhh……except for the blood letting the French Revolution was a GOOD thing. At least that's what I learned my Sr. year at college (oh BTY my alma mater gets more research $$$ from the Defence Department than MIT).

PubOption February 9, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Obama has an overt hostility to faith, yet he is probably a Muslim????

Chichikovovich February 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Yep. He's not a natural born citizen, but his father was probably Malcolm X….
Welcome to the mind of the wingnut.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

They don't count Islam as "faith." It's like godless Communism, only different.

GOPCrusher February 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Sharia Law has no basis in religion.

BZ1 February 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Now it's God-given rights? where did that constitution go??

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:20 pm

You realize, of course, that part of the Religious Reich's agenda is to hold a Constitutional Convention to revise our founding document along more churchy lines.

V572 Flambé February 9, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Well duh…everybody who isn't xtian is a heretic or an atheist.

SheriffRoscoe February 9, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Sorry for the deletion V572. I was second guessing my original post because I thought it lacked humor, which it probably did. But I appreciate the fact that you validated my thoughts regarding Christians and their tendencies to marginalize "faith" all the time.

Dashboard Buddha February 9, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Ah man…the things I learn through the Wonkette. I was reading the article on TP and in reading the comments, I learned why Catholics used to follow the "save the baby, fuck mom" policy. It seems that the baby is the "product" of the man's seed and mom is only the farrow. I need to look more closely at this, but I won't be surprised if this is the logic behind such bullshit

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Woman as vessel. You are correct, DB. But it's more like the mating of sperm and egg is God going *PRANG* and making a brand new future angel for him to kick around in Heaven or condemn to Hell or stick in Purgatory for thousands of years, whatevs.

Dashboard Buddha February 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Years ago when I was young, my mom and were talking about this very thing when we were at the beach. She told me about the whole if the mom, dad, and child were in a boat and the boat flipped, it was the man's duty to save the child before the mother. It was incomprehensible then and incomprehensible now.—

DerrickWildcat February 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm

You see the Government of France took away the people's God from them. The next step for the Government was to obviously cut the heads off the people because they didn't have no God no more.
This was called the French Revolution.

Derrick Wildcat
3rd grade
P.S. 138

snoopyfan2010 February 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Why have the government telll you what to do when you can have the church tell you. Ironically, Catholics like Rick don't want to get rid of government they just want to use it to pass laws that they agree with. I just hope that when we get President Santorum all the people who voted for him are ready to see a ban on divorce, r-rated movies and shopping on Sundays.

Sheesko February 9, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I well remember the not-shopping-on-Sundays thing. At the Iverson Mall Drug Fair, they had ribbons taped up on all the aisle except one leading to the pharmacy counter, in case you desperately needed some Big Pharma product. You were outta luck if you needed "rubbers," though. They were behind the counter, but not considered sufficiently druggy. You couldn't even get medicated shampoo for your embarrassing flakes. Ah, the good old days….

Snoopyfan2010 February 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Get ready they are coming back. My mother and I are busy memorizing the Latin rite just in case.

Tommy1733 February 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Political spin using agreed-upon talking points – this is most of what I hear Republicans say in public. Their purpose is propaganda, plain and simple. Repeat the lies and the talking points and soon enough many people will assume they are correct. This tactic is used across the public Republican spectrum including members of the media and the political candidates. I find it revolting (speaking of the French revolution).

spinozasgod February 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it."

FYI , that's he very definition of what a government does. the differences in governments is the degree to which they "tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it." that is why we need to keep the likes of you out of government.

owhatever February 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'm not questioning your faith, Bub, I'm questioning your sanity.

Chet Kincaid February 9, 2012 at 1:37 pm

C'est merveilleux! It won't be my head going in that hole, I tell you what.

CrankyLttlCamperette February 9, 2012 at 1:52 pm

It's Catholics like him that make the rest of us Catholics (who do cool stuff like, feed the poor and believe that the law should cover everyone equally and fairly), a goddamned punchline.

ttommyunger February 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"Guillotine" ? Sounds French to me. Is Santorum French? Are you a Frenchy, Ricky? Socialist Eurotrash? Off with your head!

mavenmaven February 9, 2012 at 3:35 pm

In other words, Santorum would like to restore the monarchy.

chascates February 9, 2012 at 3:43 pm

The American Left movement apparently dates back to the French Revolution. At today's CPAC Jeffrey Bell, the Policy Director at the American Principles Project explained that the ultimate goal of "the Left" is not socialism or equality but rather the destruction of religion and the family … and it has been ever since the movement was formed during the French Revolution: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUzCpygVZHc&fe

smitallica February 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I love how all these people in this video moaning about tyranny all belong to a church that tells them exactly what to do.

65mac February 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm

If the rights come from God, why don't hungry babies in Africa have them?

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