history is for crazy people

Rick Santorum Describes First Amendment As … French Guillotine?

What is loopy church lady Rick Santorum whining about now? As he goes crazier, in public, Santorum has stopped bothering with traditional approaches to speaking and now just tosses out “They” a couple of times, mentions religion and then throws in France, for weird measure — and he pronounces “France” as guillotine. It’s marvelous. But he is attacking the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution here, is he not? Will Rick Santorum finally demand the repeal of the Bill of Rights?

Here is a transcript of the actual words formed by Weird Rick’s pouty little mouth:

They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why? When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove the pillar of God-given rights, then what’s left is the French Revolution. What’s left is the government that gives you right, what’s left are no unalienable rights, what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it. What’s left in France became the guillotine.

Okay! Next up for Santorum: Day care is the Spanish Inquisition. No, wait, the Spanish Inquisition is a good thing to Opus Dei nutballs like Santorum. Uhh, who knows, tune in tomorrow? [Think Progress via The Awl]

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247 comments

    1. V572 Flambé

      And really he was ripping of the now-forgotten Huntsguy, who termed Mittens "a perfectly-lubricated weathervane." Much better metaphor, but Rick's got to keep some distance between himself and "lubrication."

        1. Swampgas_Man

          The first blade lifts the santorum, the second slices it, the third shaves it closer still. By the fourth and fifth blade, it's basically a guillotine.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Rick's comments always sound as if his head/brain is disconnected from his body. That's why he talks out of his asshole.

  1. SorosBot

    What is it about the hardcore lunatic Christians that makes them want to be persecuted so much, even when they're completely in charge?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Because much like jihadis, they've been taught a lot of myths about how martyrs go straight to heaven. And because almost no one wants to admit that they, in fact, are the Man, and are keeping everyone else down.

      One reason I like Bernard Cornwall's bloody as all get out Norsemen historical fiction – he skewers the Christian mythology pretty thoroughly. Martyrs don't go peaceably – they get hacked to pieces while shrieking.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          He's best known for the Sharpe novels (England, Napoleon, etc.) but I was referring to the Lords of the North. They are his current series, but I find just about anything he writes fun to read.

    2. bureaucrap

      If you're standing in the way of their hegemony, you are persecuting THEM. Their god-given right is to deprive you of yours.

      1. SorosBot

        It took Christianity only 67 years to go from being an outlawed persecuted cult in the Roman Empire to taking control of the Empire and persecuting all non-Christians. They've got a history of being hypocritical dicks.

    3. KeepFnThatChicken

      That's called the "self-fulfilling prophecy." We just used to call them "prophecies", before we learned of DNA, the Miller-Urey experiment, and Hubble's Constant.

      We now know them as "bollocks".

  2. edgydrifter

    There's some gals in Salem, MA who might want to discuss the concept of religious freedoms and unalienable rights in a theocratic state with you. Well, their murdered ghosts anyway.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Ricky would have thought they were witches too. He would have taken a front row seat at their hangings.

  3. slithytoves

    What’s left is the government that gives you right, what’s left are no unalienable rights, what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it.

    Right dickhead, because the Catholic church never did any of those things in France.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      What do you think was being stored in that Bastille? The church didn't want the masses to obtain those stretchy rubber thingies.

  4. memzilla

    This is what happens when you stick sound bites together with the epoxy glue of religious fanaticism, and mix in a little LSD.

    G-d, I'm so old I remember when Republicans actually cared that their campaign speeches made some kind of stand-alone sense, rather than just blithering on with the obvious Anti-Sheriff-Is-Near prole fodder.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    If the French have freedom of speech, then HELL NO, we don't want it!

    They can keep their damn edible snails too. The hell with all that.

    And none of that Spanish Inquistion stuff, either. We talk AMERICAN around here. If you can't inquisitate in AMERICAN then go back to communist Cuba or something.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      No matter how much butter and garlic you add, at the end of the day, all a snail is is a slug with a shell on its back.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, I tried them once. It was like eating a gluey glob of extremely salty garlic. Not really sure if there was a snail in there or not.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Ignore the snail, that is the correct approach. Also, bread to mop up the garlic butter after you put the snail aside.

  6. freakishlywrong

    what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it.

    Er..this guy wants to ban contraception because HE doesn't approve of what ladies do when they're on it…so, irony meet death.

  7. HateMachine

    He does realize that whatever he may claim, the French Revolution established a state deistic religion, something expressly forbidden under the First Amendment, right?

    Wait, what am I saying? Rick Santorum has never realized anything in his life.

    1. chicken_thief

      French = faggy wimps who we had to bail out in WWI and WWII
      Revolution = communist pinko anti-capitalism

      Therefore, it doesn't matter what really happened way back then, the words form the perfect mental image to his base.

    2. Terry

      …and if I recall correctly, the French patterned some things post-Revolution after what was done here in America. Well, they came up with the head chopping off stuff, themselves.

  8. SoBeach

    To paraphrase Papa SoBeach, quit crying 'religious persecution' or I'll give you some religious persecution to cry about!

  9. Tundra Grifter

    Our sacred Founding Fathers (and Mothers, for all I know) thought "E pluribus unum" was a pretty good motto.

    It wasn't until the 1950's, when we added "Under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance that our motto officially became "In God We Trust."

    The French motto is "Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité." Those rights in France didn't come from God – they came from a society that grants them and then enforces them.

    Personally, I'm quite a bit more interested in exercising and keeping my rights than in debating where I got them. The important thing is that we either have them or that we're working to reclaim them.

    For everyone, by the way. Because I don't have them unless everyone else does, too.

      1. bikerlaureate

        As well as that sweet, sweet power to tell lots of other people what they're forbidden to do.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    "They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why?"

    You are taking sanity and crushing it. Why? Why?

  11. SayItWithWookies

    They are taking faith and crushing it. Why? Why? When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove the pillar of God-given rights, then what’s left is the French Revolution.

    But that whole divine right of kings thing had been working out so well for them. I thought all the madness and murder and terror was over their naming November "Thermidor." That would piss anyone off.

  12. KeepFnThatChicken

    "They are taking faith and crushing it. Why?"

    BECAUSE IT IS STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID. YOUR VOTERS ARE STUPID. THEY ARE 40, GOING ON THREE.

    Rick, it really, really hurts to know that you speak of faith in an age of reason. To use your words, "When you marginalize [reason] in America; when you remove the pillar of [enlightened] rights, then what's left is the [Dark Ages]. What's left is a [church that demands your fealty] … "

    And if your rhetoric holds true, then why do French people no longer use the guillotine?

    1. Steverino247

      Because they got tired of pulling that heavy blade back up all damned day? "Qui a su qu'effaçant la chose infâme soyez tellement travail?"

      (Babel Fish, don't fail me now!)

  13. Veritas78

    Can you imagine listening to this hateful obsessed dickhead for four years? Neither can anyone else.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Rick Santorum doesn't concern me near as much as the fact that there are people that support him.
      Those are the ones we need to be worried about. Those are the ones that like to blow up clinics and gun down doctors in cold blood because the voice in their head told them too.

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    [cue creepy music]: "The democrats and child molestors love the so-called Bill of Rights. Freedom loving Americans do not. It's not what we want, because we aren't child molestors. Santorum: Proud to bring you the Bill of Wrongs."

  15. WhatTheHolyHeck

    His checklist is getting a great workout.

    France! Founding fathers! Oppression! Censorship! Nanny state! Redistribution of wealth! Communism! Socialism! Amero! Esperanto! One world government! Guns! Abortion! Ladies making decisions! Satan! Islam! The Jews! Terrorism! The gay agenda! Traditional family values! Christian nation! Trickle down! Union thuggery! Brown people!

    I'm sure I missed a few dozen.

  16. BerkeleyBear

    Right, the horror was the product of impiety, not centuries of autocratic overreaching, oppression and social imbalance leading to radicalization. I suppose that's why all the Muslim terrorists invoke rational free thought instead of Allah when they attack. Oh, wait . . .

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      What the everloving fuck??

      "Light-weight full length waist cilice made by Italian Nuns"

      I have a couple of problems with this.

      First…made by nuns? Ewwww. Imagines of elderly crones sitting around stitching together Holy Bondage Wear…

      Second – Light weight Light Weight? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Our forefathers, after shamefully planting their seeds in the Farrows of the Mothers didn't worry about light weight! No…they wanted the heaviest, most awkward Holy Bondage Wear available. They wanted to feel the pain AND the weight of our Savior's trials…right there around the waist…a little lower…lower…ahhhh, Jesus, I'm coming!

  17. actor212

    I read that like four times and still don't understand it.

    Does anyone here speak fluent Santorum? Anyone? Anyone conversant in the Santorum tongue?

  18. Mumbletypeg

    Could it be that the word "guillotine" elicits soft, fuzzy warm feelings for teh Rick as with its phonetically-similar neighbor, "guilty" — for one as with the other, he knows each is loaded with meaning and capable of amp'ing up one's message, don't ask him how exactly it applies here or there! or get bogged down in the refinements of analogizing! just take his word, get out of his way and let the enfant terrible play with his wordthings.

  19. JustPixelz

    The authors of the First Amendment had experience with theocracy tinged government. That's why they wanted separation of church and state.

    Historical factoid: In the 1830s, the governor of New York proposed public funding for Catholic schools as a way to fill an urgent need to educate immigrant children. Protestants objected strenuously citing "separation of church and state". They prevailed. Even then — just a few decades under the new Constitution — secular government was well-understood and valued.

    1. unclejeems

      You are correct. But the rise of public schools was motivated by Protestants who wanted to protestant-ize and de-pope the kids of Catholic immigrants. The dirty little secret is that fervent religionist hate each other more than they hate anybody else. So throw 'em in the ring and let 'em fight it out.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    Wait, the French Revolution was about guillotine-ing the people who didn't care about the very poor, yes? So maybe he is actually subliminally trying to get us to rise up and behead Romney. I would have a lot more respect for him if that was it.

    1. Sheesko

      Rosie O'Donnell will use official O'Donnell for President trucknutz on her mic stand. I'm pretty sure she will, because it would be funny and really piss off NBC's standards & practices codgers, even if she watches her language and keeps her hands off her crotch.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      LOL, that's just the current, modern, Xtian variety. Why, back in the day, we had dudes worshiping rocks and comets and very large trees.

      Same diff, I guess. Superstitious is as superstitious does.

    2. GOPCrusher

      It's just the Xtians. The Zoroastrians down the street from me tend to mind their own business. And the Druid couple on the corner always keep their yard well-tended.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    Of course, out of the ashes of the French Revolution rose to power a megalomaniac who went on to conquer most of Europe, so we have that to look forward to, if Rick's simile holds.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, when you see how badly the French fucked up this whole democracy thing the first couple go-rounds, it makes early US America look pretty competent by comparison.

      Our one big hang-up was a legacy vice left over from our British founders – that little slavery issue.

      1. V572 Flambé

        How else was a second son of a noble English family going to make his fortune, if not by going to the New World to set up a plantation run by slaves? Everybody needs an opportunity to get a ahead in the world.

        And by the way, the French weren't exactly benevolent in their treatment of the Haitians. Or the Vietnamese. Or the Algerians.

    2. actor212

      And who also kidnapped and executed one Pope, then cut a deal with a second one that made France a permanent Catholic state.

      To this day, France has the highest percentage of church attendance of any Yurpeen nation

      1. V572 Flambé

        But way lower than US America, right? "Gallup International indicates that 41% of American citizens report they regularly attend religious services, compared to 15% of French citizens, 10% of UK citizens,[2] and 7.5% of Australian citizens."

        Here's more good Wiki-news: "The country with the highest rate of church attendance in the world is Nigeria (89%)." Let that be our example!

        For additional enjoyment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_attendance

  22. Chichikovovich

    what’s left are no unalienable rights

    This would be the French Revolution that outlawed slavery while the Crucible of Freedom would continue to practice it for more than a half century, and would discontinue it only after an orgy of carnage that makes the Terror look like a game of pétanque, right?

    Knowledgeable as always, Drippy has evidently not heard of this:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Declaration_of_the_R

  23. Slim_Pickins

    This is why many of the Founding Fathers despised religion as "the engine of tyranny," they knew a Rick Santorum would come along sooner or later.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Ask any American former junior high student who kept one in his wallet for emergency purposes or bragging rights. After so long they dry out and fall apart when you need 'em the most. LL Bean sells a moose fur-lined condom safe that guarantees usability for five years.

      1. V572 Flambé

        No, they seem to be able to wash that down with fine red wines and relax with a Gauloise Bleu afterward and still outlive us on the average. Reason enough to hate them!

        1. Chichikovovich

          Those were two of the ones I had in mind, yes. The witch-crazes were another. As were the assorted persecutions of Jews. The death of Étienne Dolet for atheism. The condemnation and death by torture of Jean-François de la Barre on an implausible blasphemy charge….

          There's no shortage.

  24. BigDumbRedDog

    Personally I think our politicians would behave quite a bit better if they thought there was even a 1% chance of us rising up and chopping their heads off. Unfortunatly I am way too far down in my HFCS/Xbox coma to even contemplate hatcheting someone to death, much less constructing something as involved as a guillotine.
    PS – it just took me way too long to figure out how to spell guillotine. Fucking french and their fancy fucking words.

  25. FlownOver

    "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet…" Matt. 6:6 (KJV)

    Poor Frothy – he's just confused about when to be in the closet and when to come out.

  26. Ruhe

    When I make Opus Dei nutballs I always add a bit of paraffin to the dipping chocolate so that when they cool off they have a nice shine. I do the same with my Buckeye recipe but I like to finish those off with some violent shaking.

    1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

      Okay, so faith is the lube, the French Revolution is the jizz, and … government is the poop? No, wait, poop is the guillotine! … right?

      Man, this IS difficult to follow.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Over the last few mornings, Glenn Beck (who's a big Santorum fan, in case you hadn't guessed) has been alluding to the French Revolution pretty frequently, so that's probably where this meme is coming from. Glenn's take on it, though, is kinda unique — "The problem with the French Revolution," he's said repeatedly, and I swear I'm not making this up, "is that it turned into Occupy Wall Street." This is the teabaggers' historian in chief, everybody.

  28. Chichikovovich

    when you remove the pillar of God-given rights…. What’s left is the government that gives you right, what’s left are no unalienable rights

    The slaves in early American society had a God-given, [in]alienable right to be free. And even so, those ingrates kept hoping for a government that would grant them that right. They deserved their bondage.

  29. FrancoPinyon

    Joke's over. Time move this guy off th e presidential campaign trail. You risk even the slightest chance that a nutball like Santorium makes it onto a real ballot.

  30. BTWBFDIMHO

    what’s left are no unalienable rights

    Santorum's brain has two halves. The left half has nothing right, and the right half has nothing left.

  31. V572 Flambé

    So Rick's saying that the divine-right monarchy overthrown by the French Revolution was preferable to the democracy that was the eventual outcome. Sounds about right. Does Ricky think he's running for Le Roi? Someone should tell him that's not an elective office.

  32. John Birf Society

    A children's treasury of Rick Santorum anagrams:
    1. Rack Moist Run
    2. Croaks Rim Nut
    3. Snack Rim Tour
    4. Racist Murk On
    5. Karmic Runs To
    6. A Scrotum Rink
    7. Crank Tourism
    8. Cram Ink Tours
    9. Can Risk Tumor
    10. Scat Kin Rumor

  33. hagajim

    I am firmly of the belief that pretty much everything that Ricky says spews out in a mix of anus juice and lube. This guy talks so much shit he creates his own Santorum.

  34. Lucidamente1

    With apologies to P. G. Wodehouse:

    The trouble with you, Santorum, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the American scene by going about in sweater vests, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Hurray, Santorum!" and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: "Look at that frightful ass Santorum swanking about in a sweater vest! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?"

  35. Dashboard Buddha

    "Next up for Santorum: Day care is the Spanish Inquisition."

    I didn't expect you to say that.

  36. savethispatient

    I suspect this whole Catholic / birth-control problem was invented somewhere in the West Wing, to help boost Santorum and therefore hurt Romney for a while. Obama can presumably let it run for a couple more days then meet with 'Catholic leaders' and work out some compromise that no-one will even remember in November, right?

    1. Sheesko

      He already did. There was a plan afoot, since shot down, to give employees of religious institutions the means to opt out of contraception coverage.

  37. Ms_E_Abernathy

    We certainly don't want a government granting us rights. That would suck. Thanks for offering to save us from that awful fate, Rick.

    Also, too, didn't the French Revolution sort of ground itself in the inalienable rights of people, kind of inspired by the American Revolution? And stuff like that.

  38. Lucidamente1

    Hey Rick, I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

  39. BlueStateLibel

    Seriously, WTF is he talking about?! If this was a college freshman paper, he'd get "See me – we need to talk" written on it.

  40. MarionNYNY

    He's right about those damn secular "rights." Damn librals even fought a war to abolish slavery in this country. Slavery! Imagine that, another thing that's in the bible that they outlawed!

  41. Baconzgood

    Ahhhhhhh……except for the blood letting the French Revolution was a GOOD thing. At least that's what I learned my Sr. year at college (oh BTY my alma mater gets more research $$$ from the Defence Department than MIT).

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yep. He's not a natural born citizen, but his father was probably Malcolm X….
      Welcome to the mind of the wingnut.

    1. Sheesko

      You realize, of course, that part of the Religious Reich's agenda is to hold a Constitutional Convention to revise our founding document along more churchy lines.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Sorry for the deletion V572. I was second guessing my original post because I thought it lacked humor, which it probably did. But I appreciate the fact that you validated my thoughts regarding Christians and their tendencies to marginalize "faith" all the time.

  42. Dashboard Buddha

    Ah man…the things I learn through the Wonkette. I was reading the article on TP and in reading the comments, I learned why Catholics used to follow the "save the baby, fuck mom" policy. It seems that the baby is the "product" of the man's seed and mom is only the farrow. I need to look more closely at this, but I won't be surprised if this is the logic behind such bullshit

    1. Sheesko

      Woman as vessel. You are correct, DB. But it's more like the mating of sperm and egg is God going *PRANG* and making a brand new future angel for him to kick around in Heaven or condemn to Hell or stick in Purgatory for thousands of years, whatevs.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Years ago when I was young, my mom and were talking about this very thing when we were at the beach. She told me about the whole if the mom, dad, and child were in a boat and the boat flipped, it was the man's duty to save the child before the mother. It was incomprehensible then and incomprehensible now.—

  43. DerrickWildcat

    You see the Government of France took away the people's God from them. The next step for the Government was to obviously cut the heads off the people because they didn't have no God no more.
    This was called the French Revolution.

    Derrick Wildcat
    3rd grade
    P.S. 138

  44. snoopyfan2010

    Why have the government telll you what to do when you can have the church tell you. Ironically, Catholics like Rick don't want to get rid of government they just want to use it to pass laws that they agree with. I just hope that when we get President Santorum all the people who voted for him are ready to see a ban on divorce, r-rated movies and shopping on Sundays.

    1. Sheesko

      I well remember the not-shopping-on-Sundays thing. At the Iverson Mall Drug Fair, they had ribbons taped up on all the aisle except one leading to the pharmacy counter, in case you desperately needed some Big Pharma product. You were outta luck if you needed "rubbers," though. They were behind the counter, but not considered sufficiently druggy. You couldn't even get medicated shampoo for your embarrassing flakes. Ah, the good old days….

      1. Snoopyfan2010

        Get ready they are coming back. My mother and I are busy memorizing the Latin rite just in case.

  45. Tommy1733

    Political spin using agreed-upon talking points – this is most of what I hear Republicans say in public. Their purpose is propaganda, plain and simple. Repeat the lies and the talking points and soon enough many people will assume they are correct. This tactic is used across the public Republican spectrum including members of the media and the political candidates. I find it revolting (speaking of the French revolution).

  46. spinozasgod

    "what’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it."

    FYI , that's he very definition of what a government does. the differences in governments is the degree to which they "tell you who you are, what you’ll do and when you’ll do it." that is why we need to keep the likes of you out of government.

  47. CrankyLttlCamperette

    It's Catholics like him that make the rest of us Catholics (who do cool stuff like, feed the poor and believe that the law should cover everyone equally and fairly), a goddamned punchline.

  48. ttommyunger

    "Guillotine" ? Sounds French to me. Is Santorum French? Are you a Frenchy, Ricky? Socialist Eurotrash? Off with your head!

  49. chascates

    The American Left movement apparently dates back to the French Revolution. At today's CPAC Jeffrey Bell, the Policy Director at the American Principles Project explained that the ultimate goal of "the Left" is not socialism or equality but rather the destruction of religion and the family … and it has been ever since the movement was formed during the French Revolution: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUzCpygVZHc&fe

  50. smitallica

    I love how all these people in this video moaning about tyranny all belong to a church that tells them exactly what to do.

Comments are closed.