today in rats

DC Should Obviously Dump All Of Its Rats In Virginia, Maryland

Is this the Abortionplex?Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia suburbs, killing everyone. Will it? All we can do now is pray that yes, it will.

Cuccinelli, the Washington Post reports, is planning to hold a “rat summit,” a term that describes every single meeting or basic interaction in Washington DC, but which in this case refers to actual real-world death rats:

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II (R) used reports of Occupy’s rat infestation as a reason to rail against the Wildlife Protection Act, D.C.’s animal control law approved in 2010 but not yet fully used.

Cuccinelli claims that the law would force D.C. pest-control workers to cross the border and dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs, potentially exposing suburbanites to Lyme disease, rabies and other animal-borne ailments.

Cuccinelli has taken his concerns a step further, announcing that his office is coordinating a meeting — in true D.C. fashion, the Washington Examiner and other media have dubbed it a “rat summit” — with the office of Rep. Frank Wolf (R-Va.) and representatives of the District and other regional governments.

We don’t know how a Patriot like Ken Cuccinelli could object to DC dumping all of its rats in his backyard. This is Washington, America’s famed capital, Ken. Rats are a national security issue. Just accept them and don’t be such a terrorist about it.

The story, then, proceeds to note that every legislative expert and environmental department believes Cuccinelli is completely misreading what will happen. That leads us to believe that Cuccinelli is only bringing up this fake issue to remind people that Occupy people had rats at their encampment. Shame on everyone.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • Extemporanus

    Would Cuccinelli feel better if the dead rats were deposited in women's vaginas?

    • MissTaken

      He'd feel better, but I would not.

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, I don't even have a vagina but that had me going "Ow, ow, ow".

        • Extemporanus

          Sorry, you two.

          And if you haven't already, I'd strongly recommend against reading American Psycho.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Yes, but only if he gets to ejaculate in them. . .afterward.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        Ejaculate in a dead rat?

        You're in a room with two doors. Behind one door is a dead rat. Behind the other is Ann Coulter.

        • widestanceshakedown

          No, see the dead rats are in the vagina, so it's OK, albeit rather crowded.

          In answer to your question, I would close both doors on my junk to put it out of its misery.

          • CapnFatback

            No, see the dead rats are in the vagina, so it's OK

            Well, then they're not in Coulter, are they?

            HEY-OOOH!

          • Extemporanus

            Per Schrödinger, the rat in Ann Coulter's box might or might not be dead.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            No, see this is Ann Coulter. Therefore, the normal rules don't apply and the rat in Ann Coulter's box is always dead, because all of her particles have decayed.

          • CapnFatback

            It would probably take a pair o' docs to find out for sure.

          • MissTaken

            Won't know until you peek.

            Ugh, just threw up a little in my mouth.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Painful as that is to contemplate, I would emulate you.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Sure, but that rat better not absorb any semen, cuz that would be MURDER.

    • Radiotherapy

      "Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

      • Extemporanus

        You are one charming motherfuckin' pig, Radio.

    • Biff

      Isn't that just the female version of gerbils in a mangina?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, you been hangin' out with Buck Angel too?

        • Biff

          Looks up Buck Angel
          Nope!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You should, hon! Buck could teach you ALL about mangina.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    oh, I thought "Rat King" was a fictional being.

    I bow before you, sir. Ready the drones!

  • Lucidamente1

    I thought Cuccinelli endorsed Willard.

    • SorosBot

      Dammit!

  • Cicada

    Given that Virginia dumped Newt in D.C., I think it's a fair trade.

    • Negropolis

      Other way around.

      • Cicada

        Actually, if you want to get technical, GA dumped Newtie in D.C. and VA welcomed him with open arms shortly thereafter. They love him there (parts of NoVA excepted, as always), unlike the residents of D.C. who generally either hate the guy or don't give a fuck.

        I say after 15 years VA owns his ass and they should keep him in their yard and make sure he gets his shots. D.C. has enough vermin to look after, especially since so many states decided to send us their teabagging Congresscritters in 2010.*

        *My bitterness this morning is partly due to my parking spot being taken by a truck with Congress plates and plastered with "Pete Sessions for Congress" stickers. Fuck you, Texas!

  • MOG2410

    Rats meeting rats to discuss rats – yup, that sums it up. Ken C. get a day job already.

    • mrpuma2u

      Hey, it takes a rat to know a rat. Oh yeah almost forgot, VERMIN LIBEL !!!!!!!

  • BarackMyWorld

    But Americans usually send their rats TO Washington D.C.!

    Wocka wocka.

    • UnholyMoses

      It's not the rats Kenny boy opposes.

      It's the competition.

    • Inchhigh

      Coincidence that D-Con starts with *DC*? I think not.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should field-dress the rats, fry them up, and serve them at the soup kitchens for the poor people. I'm sure Ken C. would approve of that.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      truly Desperate Living

    • Beowoof

      I don't know, wouldn't Ken find that cannibalistic? Oh wait rats are cannibalistic, so eating other republicans wouldn't really bug them much.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm sure he'd consider that a waste of good rat-meat.

  • SorosBot

    And this is good news for Willard.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Mittens?

      • SorosBot

        An army of trained attack rats would make him a hell of a lot more interesting.

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Willard "Mitt" Ratmoney

    • Baconzgood

      And Ben

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Well, in fairness, Mitt does feel like he's not wanted anywhere…so he's always running here and there.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, in all fairness, that movie *wuz* about teh Ratz.

      ETA: Dammitt!!! Great minds think alike. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Rat in a box! We fry what you won't touch!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY-FOI-9SOE

  • MissTaken

    I saw Contagion, this will not end well.

  • UnholyMoses

    "Lyme disease"

    Not to be confused with Lymey Disease, an affliction that causes you to develop a taste for blood pudding, a love for Benny Hill, and a loss of dental hygiene.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      At least our LimeyLizzie had her shots.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Rats.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Rats in DC? I find that hard to believe.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Only in Congress.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    It's important to read the Examiner piece that the post links to there, because of this:

    Still, the public spat also prompted Maryland Del. Pat McDonough, a Baltimore County Republican, to draft legislation barring the relocation of D.C. rats to his state.

    "This insane law obviously places Maryland and Virginia at risk for an invasion of out-of-state rodents," McDonough said. "We must protect our borders."
    […]
    "The rats multiply at astronomical rates and the rodents who have crossed the border into Maryland must be made illegal because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies," a news release from McDonough's office said.

    Subtle.

    • BarackMyWorld

      WOWWWWWWW.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

    • CapnFatback
    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "The rats multiply at astronomical rates and the rodents who have crossed the border into Maryland must be made illegal because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies," a news release from McDonough's office said.

      Either this is the funniest thing I've read since the sperm post, or teh stoopit of Virginia is contagious.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Louder, McDonough, in case dogs in Alberta didn't hear you.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      "because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies,"

      Dn't they produce anchor rabies?

  • CapnFatback

    Cuccinelli has taken his concerns a step further, announcing that his office is coordinating a meeting — in true D.C. fashion, the Washington Examiner and other media have dubbed it a “rat summit” — with the office of Rep. Frank Wolf (R-Va.)

    Using a Wolf to catch rats is extreme. What's Kitty Harris doing these days?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Extremism in defense of cheese is no vice

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That's a cute and very rare picture up there of the Long-Tailed Hamster taking a swim. Marlin Perkins eat your heart out.

    • GOPCrusher

      "I'll wait by the urinal while Jim tags the Long-Tailed Hamster on this weeks episode of The Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    potentially exposing suburbanites to Lyme disease, rabies and other animal-borne ailments
    Like city-dwellers have some kind of natural immunity to the above?

    • UnholyMoses

      No.

      But city dwellers are mostly blah, and the burbians aren't, so Ken don't care, Ken don't give a fuck.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Surprise! Another conservative with a deficit in reading comprehension.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Man, I wish EVERY TIME people started noticing they are getting fucked over and protest about it that a cocksucker like this would be infested with rats. That sounds like a solution to me.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wait. Virginia had a bunch of Teabaggers move in two years ago and they're worried about four footed rats now????

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    See? The Occupiers, they're dirty! OK? Everyone get that? They're dirty!

  • jus_wonderin

    What color is the alert when we go to "Rat Con 1?"

  • Baconzgood

    Rats in a DC park. Has any one ever been at the mall after dark? Must be Occupy that did it years and years prior to the movement. They are cunning that way.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I and a friend were sitting in a car one night some time ago in a park not far from Washington National (I won't call it Reagan) airport, watching the submarine races and the planes land. All of a sudden we both noticed that it appeared that the whole ground was moving: rats, a writhing carpet of rats. Now these were VIRGINIA rats. Cuccinelli, these weren't transplants from DC, but they spoke with a decidedly Virginia accent. OWS wasn't a glimmer in its daddy's eye. Where'd they come from, Cuch?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Wolf in rat's clothing, and the Cooch?

    I hope this is going to be televised.
    ~

  • Slim_Pickins

    Of course he's misreading what will happen. After all, he is a conservative. What's the sense of doing a reality check?

  • b[redact]opple

    As much as I hate to side with someone whose last name is "The Second," I used to live in Ward 3 and I can declare that Mary Cheh, the dingbat who wrote the bill, is objectively pro-rat. In fact, she and her rats are why I moved to Ole Virginny. A funny position to be in.

    I wonder what my point is.

  • Extemporanus

    User-of-Owls…

    The Rat.

    • CapnFatback

      He's baaaaaack!

  • MaxNeanderthal

    OK, I'll ask it- You know who else compared their enemies to rats….?

    • SexySmurf

      James Cagney?

    • chicken_thief

      Sgt Sam Troy?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Sylvester?

    • Geminisunmars

      City of Hamelin?

    • Biff

      The Pied Piper?

  • slithytoves

    If Washington University in St. Louis would just stop torturing cats, they could send them to D.C. and take care of the rats.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Maybe we dress the dead rats as zucchinis. . .

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Anyhow, WHO HERE WANTS MORE CREEPY SEXYTIME SPECULATIONS FROM LOUIS GOMHERT?????

    ENJOY.

    • BarackMyWorld
      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        Bah. Like I even know how to read.

    • chicken_thief

      ….“the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together” ….

      The timing is really tricky 'cause it takes an egg about 7 minutes to come, so the sperm has to really hold back or do some oral/digital/toy pleasuring. But when it all falls together, it is a wonder to behold!

      Then they lie back and enjoy a smoke…

  • MissTaken

    Can't we just ship the rats to Afghanistan? No one has lost any.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    So in DC, other than the 538 289 rats that snooze under the Dome in the House & Senate chamber pots, what maybe a few dozen moar?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I read this last night…those fuckers are relentless
    http://www.cracked.com/article_19645_5-reasons-ra

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Killer!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "coincidentally, we will be pooping into a modest but secure floor safe from now on."

      I laugh again every time I read the line.

  • Joshua Norton

    dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs

    If he ever sees one, he can always jump up on his desk, pull his skirt over his head and scream like the little girl he is.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Which Maryland and Virginia suburbs do not have Lyme already?

  • SayItWithWookies

    What's the difference between Ken Cuccinelli and a pit bull? A pit bull eventually lets go — especially if it's latched onto something entirely pants-on-fire imaginary. He's just following up after his victorious witch hunt against that UVA professor for espousing the heretical belief that the climate is changing.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      For some Quality Reading, check out some of the emails that have been sent to DC Councilwoman Mary Cheh since the Cooch and Limbaugh both repeated this stupid rat rumor:
      http://www.scribd.com/doc/78756747/2012-01-19-Che

      Fun begins on page 2.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Wow, that's some vitriol — especially considering they got their information from Rush. You'd think they'd know his show is almost entirely devoid of facts.

    • Negropolis

      What's the difference between Ken Cuccinelli and a pit bull? A pit bull eventually lets go…

      Boy, was that good. That was real good, son.

  • Radiotherapy

    So what does he want to impose, a Flat Rat Tax?
    Grover Norquist on line 3.

  • chicken_thief

    Can't they just hire some school kids to clean that shit up? What's the fuss?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I see a boon for the cheese and trap industry. Jobs!

  • emmelemm

    Alt-text! Oh, frabjous day!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Ship all of the nuclear waste there too.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hm. Cuccinelli….sounds Mexican and illegal….no wonder he's worried about rats. Specially trained INS rats….

  • coolhandnuke

    Ken Cuccinelli the outside the Beltways Ben Hur.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think you misspelled "Durrrrr"

  • Sue4466

    Isn't he worried a rat summit will compete too directly with CPAC?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Given all the politicians that live in VA, I would assume the dead rats would be greeted as liberators.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If anything, wait for Newt to be done with his campaign, cover the dead rats with a little salt, and the problem will take care of itself.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Cuccinelli claims that the law would force D.C. pest-control workers to cross the border and dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs

    Look, them Georgetown students gotta blow off steam, a'ight?

    • elviouslyqueer

      And don't forget those rowdy kids from Gallaudet. So messy!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Right! You can't even hear them coming…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Smack!

    • Negropolis

      Look, I'm pretty sure he was refering to the District's Anacostia Blah population.

  • meatlofer

    Your move, Carolina!

  • Chichikovovich

    A rat summit, or as Germans call it, a Bundesrat.

    • emmelemm

      Oh, that made me laugh.

      • littlebigdaddy

        Ich gehe zum Rathaus.

  • Indiepalin

    How'd you guys get into my house?

    • jus_wonderin

      Honestly, I was thinking the same thing. One of those colors is suspiciously close to the color on the wall in my bath. Though, it is not the blood.

  • jus_wonderin

    Maryland should man-up. You didn't hear NJ complaining about Occupy Wall Streets used rats.

  • HarryButtle

    "The story, then, proceeds to note that every legislative expert and environmental department believes Cuccinelli is completely misreading what will happen."

    Really? You mean to tell me that a Teatard politician is just making shit up in order to scare the rubes? That's unpossible.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      GASP!!!!!!!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    This is all a tax cutting ploy so they won't have to hire a Pied Piper. You can't pull the wool over THIS liberal's eyes!

  • real_dc_native

    The rats on Capitol Hill are more numerous and frightening that any of the rats they might have found at McPherson Square.

  • cheetojeebus

    This unrelenting barrage of stupid makes me feel like a rat in a little wire wheel. How am i expected to churn out snark at this rate? It's inhumane!

  • Biff

    My guess is that this fucker thinks nothing at all of dumping all of his nuclear waste in MY state, though. Maybe he should advertise for a modern-day Pied Piper and just shut the fuck up.

  • elburritodeluxe

    to be fair, we send our rats and vermin to them

  • GOPCrusher

    BUBONIC PLAGUE LIBEL!!1!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Rats off to ya, Kenny!

  • littlebigdaddy

    You know who *else* compared his political enemies to rats?

  • chascates

    Dick Cheney didn't want them? I thought he went through rats like crap through a goose! In much the same fashion!

  • ttommyunger

    I wonder if Cuccinelli does Cagney when he speaks on this topic? "You dirty rat…." I wonder if he does it at home in front of a mirror? I wonder if he hold a gun in his hand when he does it? Why am I asking you?

  • owhatever

    Make the rats carry photo IDs so Ken Hoochicoochi can prove where they come from: Michelle Obama's vegetable patch in DC.

  • chascates

    Gingrich said today that we couldn't be the 'Arsenal of Democracy' if we didn't have an arsenal! (Obama has eliminated all our weapons I gather.) But do we really want to be the arsenal of democracy? Won't other countries buy that shit from China or India if we're not forcing them to buy our overpriced state-of-the-art stuff because we're:
    a) bribing them
    b) occupying them
    c) flat-out forcing them

    But then I don't speak as a historian as Newt does. So check out France Discovers Callista
    .

  • mavenmaven

    Animal infestation? Sarah Palin has her helicopter and rifle ready!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Repubs going on about rats in their midst, is a lack of self-awareness

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Cuccinelli is just angling to be appointed Rat Czar.

  • Negropolis

    Yes, because if Virginia is known for one thing it is its clealiness, right?

    You're running for gubnuh real hard-like, aren't you, Cooch?

  • vtxmcrider

    A lot of the filthy rats who work in DC already live in Maryland and Virginia.

  • DaRooster

    I would think they would just follow their leader to Virginia… Eric Cantor.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Wasn't Baltimore the "rat capital of the world" or something at one point?

  • widestanceshakedown

    We knows how to deal with rats, hon.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg
  • Negropolis

    We'll charm them to death…with our guns.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I read Waters' Shock Value in high school–thought it was the Greatest Book Evarr!

  • widestanceshakedown

    I used to see him about town more in years past, and I've been in supermarket checkout lines with him (ooooh!). I made damn sure he knew I had put the item divider on the belt, too.

  • Negropolis

    Motor City Libel, yo!