TODAY IN RATS  4:30 pm February 8, 2012

DC Should Obviously Dump All Of Its Rats In Virginia, Maryland

by Jim Newell

Is this the Abortionplex?Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia suburbs, killing everyone. Will it? All we can do now is pray that yes, it will.

Cuccinelli, the Washington Post reports, is planning to hold a “rat summit,” a term that describes every single meeting or basic interaction in Washington DC, but which in this case refers to actual real-world death rats:

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II (R) used reports of Occupy’s rat infestation as a reason to rail against the Wildlife Protection Act, D.C.’s animal control law approved in 2010 but not yet fully used.

Cuccinelli claims that the law would force D.C. pest-control workers to cross the border and dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs, potentially exposing suburbanites to Lyme disease, rabies and other animal-borne ailments.

Cuccinelli has taken his concerns a step further, announcing that his office is coordinating a meeting — in true D.C. fashion, the Washington Examiner and other media have dubbed it a “rat summit” — with the office of Rep. Frank Wolf (R-Va.) and representatives of the District and other regional governments.

We don’t know how a Patriot like Ken Cuccinelli could object to DC dumping all of its rats in his backyard. This is Washington, America’s famed capital, Ken. Rats are a national security issue. Just accept them and don’t be such a terrorist about it.

The story, then, proceeds to note that every legislative expert and environmental department believes Cuccinelli is completely misreading what will happen. That leads us to believe that Cuccinelli is only bringing up this fake issue to remind people that Occupy people had rats at their encampment. Shame on everyone.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 148 comments }

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Would Cuccinelli feel better if the dead rats were deposited in women's vaginas?

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

He'd feel better, but I would not.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Yeah, I don't even have a vagina but that had me going "Ow, ow, ow".

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Sorry, you two.

And if you haven't already, I'd strongly recommend against reading American Psycho.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Yes, but only if he gets to ejaculate in them. . .afterward.

JustPixelz February 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Ejaculate in a dead rat?

You're in a room with two doors. Behind one door is a dead rat. Behind the other is Ann Coulter.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

No, see the dead rats are in the vagina, so it's OK, albeit rather crowded.

In answer to your question, I would close both doors on my junk to put it out of its misery.

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm

No, see the dead rats are in the vagina, so it's OK

Well, then they're not in Coulter, are they?

HEY-OOOH!

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Painful as that is to contemplate, I would emulate you.

starfanglednut February 8, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Sure, but that rat better not absorb any semen, cuz that would be MURDER.

Radiotherapy February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

"Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 5:27 pm

You are one charming motherfuckin' pig, Radio.

Biff February 8, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Isn't that just the female version of gerbils in a mangina?

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Oh, you been hangin' out with Buck Angel too?

Biff February 8, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Looks up Buck Angel
Nope!

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 9:03 pm

You should, hon! Buck could teach you ALL about mangina.

Gratuitous World February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

oh, I thought "Rat King" was a fictional being.

I bow before you, sir. Ready the drones!

Lucidamente1 February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I thought Cuccinelli endorsed Willard.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Dammit!

Cicada February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Given that Virginia dumped Newt in D.C., I think it's a fair trade.

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 12:13 am

Other way around.

Cicada February 9, 2012 at 9:40 am

Actually, if you want to get technical, GA dumped Newtie in D.C. and VA welcomed him with open arms shortly thereafter. They love him there (parts of NoVA excepted, as always), unlike the residents of D.C. who generally either hate the guy or don't give a fuck.

I say after 15 years VA owns his ass and they should keep him in their yard and make sure he gets his shots. D.C. has enough vermin to look after, especially since so many states decided to send us their teabagging Congresscritters in 2010.*

*My bitterness this morning is partly due to my parking spot being taken by a truck with Congress plates and plastered with "Pete Sessions for Congress" stickers. Fuck you, Texas!

MOG2410 February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Rats meeting rats to discuss rats – yup, that sums it up. Ken C. get a day job already.

mrpuma2u February 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Hey, it takes a rat to know a rat. Oh yeah almost forgot, VERMIN LIBEL !!!!!!!

BarackMyWorld February 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

But Americans usually send their rats TO Washington D.C.!

Wocka wocka.

UnholyMoses February 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

It's not the rats Kenny boy opposes.

It's the competition.

Inchhigh February 8, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Coincidence that D-Con starts with *DC*? I think not.

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

They should field-dress the rats, fry them up, and serve them at the soup kitchens for the poor people. I'm sure Ken C. would approve of that.

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

truly Desperate Living

Beowoof February 8, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I don't know, wouldn't Ken find that cannibalistic? Oh wait rats are cannibalistic, so eating other republicans wouldn't really bug them much.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I'm sure he'd consider that a waste of good rat-meat.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

And this is good news for Willard.

BarackMyWorld February 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Mittens?

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

An army of trained attack rats would make him a hell of a lot more interesting.

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Willard "Mitt" Ratmoney

Baconzgood February 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

And Ben

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Well, in fairness, Mitt does feel like he's not wanted anywhere…so he's always running here and there.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Well, in all fairness, that movie *wuz* about teh Ratz.

ETA: Dammitt!!! Great minds think alike. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Rat in a box! We fry what you won't touch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY-FOI-9SOE

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I saw Contagion, this will not end well.

UnholyMoses February 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

"Lyme disease"

Not to be confused with Lymey Disease, an affliction that causes you to develop a taste for blood pudding, a love for Benny Hill, and a loss of dental hygiene.

JustPixelz February 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

At least our LimeyLizzie had her shots.

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Rats.

BigDumbRedDog February 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Rats in DC? I find that hard to believe.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Only in Congress.

Negligently_Joe February 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

It's important to read the Examiner piece that the post links to there, because of this:

Still, the public spat also prompted Maryland Del. Pat McDonough, a Baltimore County Republican, to draft legislation barring the relocation of D.C. rats to his state.

"This insane law obviously places Maryland and Virginia at risk for an invasion of out-of-state rodents," McDonough said. "We must protect our borders."
[...]
"The rats multiply at astronomical rates and the rodents who have crossed the border into Maryland must be made illegal because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies," a news release from McDonough's office said.

Subtle.

BarackMyWorld February 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

WOWWWWWWW.

Blueb4sunrise February 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm
actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

"The rats multiply at astronomical rates and the rodents who have crossed the border into Maryland must be made illegal because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies," a news release from McDonough's office said.

Either this is the funniest thing I've read since the sperm post, or teh stoopit of Virginia is contagious.

elviouslyqueer February 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Louder, McDonough, in case dogs in Alberta didn't hear you.

starfanglednut February 8, 2012 at 6:35 pm

"because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies,"

Dn't they produce anchor rabies?

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Cuccinelli has taken his concerns a step further, announcing that his office is coordinating a meeting — in true D.C. fashion, the Washington Examiner and other media have dubbed it a “rat summit” — with the office of Rep. Frank Wolf (R-Va.)

Using a Wolf to catch rats is extreme. What's Kitty Harris doing these days?

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Extremism in defense of cheese is no vice

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm

That's a cute and very rare picture up there of the Long-Tailed Hamster taking a swim. Marlin Perkins eat your heart out.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm

"I'll wait by the urinal while Jim tags the Long-Tailed Hamster on this weeks episode of The Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm

potentially exposing suburbanites to Lyme disease, rabies and other animal-borne ailments
Like city-dwellers have some kind of natural immunity to the above?

UnholyMoses February 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

No.

But city dwellers are mostly blah, and the burbians aren't, so Ken don't care, Ken don't give a fuck.

GuanoFaucet February 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Surprise! Another conservative with a deficit in reading comprehension.

FakaktaSouth February 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Man, I wish EVERY TIME people started noticing they are getting fucked over and protest about it that a cocksucker like this would be infested with rats. That sounds like a solution to me.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Wait. Virginia had a bunch of Teabaggers move in two years ago and they're worried about four footed rats now????

Biff February 8, 2012 at 5:54 pm

4-foot rats? Like capybaras?

slowhansolo February 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

See? The Occupiers, they're dirty! OK? Everyone get that? They're dirty!

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

What color is the alert when we go to "Rat Con 1?"

Baconzgood February 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Rats in a DC park. Has any one ever been at the mall after dark? Must be Occupy that did it years and years prior to the movement. They are cunning that way.

Dudleydidwrong February 8, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I and a friend were sitting in a car one night some time ago in a park not far from Washington National (I won't call it Reagan) airport, watching the submarine races and the planes land. All of a sudden we both noticed that it appeared that the whole ground was moving: rats, a writhing carpet of rats. Now these were VIRGINIA rats. Cuccinelli, these weren't transplants from DC, but they spoke with a decidedly Virginia accent. OWS wasn't a glimmer in its daddy's eye. Where'd they come from, Cuch?

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Wolf in rat's clothing, and the Cooch?

I hope this is going to be televised.
~

Slim_Pickins February 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Of course he's misreading what will happen. After all, he is a conservative. What's the sense of doing a reality check?

b[redact]opple February 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

As much as I hate to side with someone whose last name is "The Second," I used to live in Ward 3 and I can declare that Mary Cheh, the dingbat who wrote the bill, is objectively pro-rat. In fact, she and her rats are why I moved to Ole Virginny. A funny position to be in.

I wonder what my point is.

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

User-of-Owls…

The Rat.

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 5:16 pm

He's baaaaaack!

MaxNeanderthal February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

OK, I'll ask it- You know who else compared their enemies to rats….?

SexySmurf February 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

James Cagney?

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Sgt Sam Troy?

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Sylvester?

Geminisunmars February 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

City of Hamelin?

Biff February 8, 2012 at 5:56 pm

The Pied Piper?

slithytoves February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

If Washington University in St. Louis would just stop torturing cats, they could send them to D.C. and take care of the rats.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Maybe we dress the dead rats as zucchinis. . .

Negligently_Joe February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Anyhow, WHO HERE WANTS MORE CREEPY SEXYTIME SPECULATIONS FROM LOUIS GOMHERT?????

ENJOY.

BarackMyWorld February 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Negligently_Joe February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Bah. Like I even know how to read.

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 4:53 pm

….“the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together” ….

The timing is really tricky 'cause it takes an egg about 7 minutes to come, so the sperm has to really hold back or do some oral/digital/toy pleasuring. But when it all falls together, it is a wonder to behold!

Then they lie back and enjoy a smoke…

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Can't we just ship the rats to Afghanistan? No one has lost any.

weej_bain February 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

So in DC, other than the 538 289 rats that snooze under the Dome in the House & Senate chamber pots, what maybe a few dozen moar?

Dashboard Buddha February 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I read this last night…those fuckers are relentless
http://www.cracked.com/article_19645_5-reasons-ra

Sharkey February 8, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Killer!

ShaveTheWhales February 8, 2012 at 11:29 pm

"coincidentally, we will be pooping into a modest but secure floor safe from now on."

I laugh again every time I read the line.

Joshua Norton February 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs

If he ever sees one, he can always jump up on his desk, pull his skirt over his head and scream like the little girl he is.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Which Maryland and Virginia suburbs do not have Lyme already?

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

What's the difference between Ken Cuccinelli and a pit bull? A pit bull eventually lets go — especially if it's latched onto something entirely pants-on-fire imaginary. He's just following up after his victorious witch hunt against that UVA professor for espousing the heretical belief that the climate is changing.

CrankyLttlCamperette February 8, 2012 at 6:07 pm

For some Quality Reading, check out some of the emails that have been sent to DC Councilwoman Mary Cheh since the Cooch and Limbaugh both repeated this stupid rat rumor:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/78756747/2012-01-19-Che

Fun begins on page 2.

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Wow, that's some vitriol — especially considering they got their information from Rush. You'd think they'd know his show is almost entirely devoid of facts.

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 12:23 am

What's the difference between Ken Cuccinelli and a pit bull? A pit bull eventually lets go…

Boy, was that good. That was real good, son.

Radiotherapy February 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm

So what does he want to impose, a Flat Rat Tax?
Grover Norquist on line 3.

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Can't they just hire some school kids to clean that shit up? What's the fuss?

Dashboard Buddha February 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I see a boon for the cheese and trap industry. Jobs!

emmelemm February 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Alt-text! Oh, frabjous day!

Blueb4sunrise February 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Ship all of the nuclear waste there too.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Hm. Cuccinelli….sounds Mexican and illegal….no wonder he's worried about rats. Specially trained INS rats….

coolhandnuke February 8, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Ken Cuccinelli the outside the Beltways Ben Hur.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I think you misspelled "Durrrrr"

Sue4466 February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Isn't he worried a rat summit will compete too directly with CPAC?

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Given all the politicians that live in VA, I would assume the dead rats would be greeted as liberators.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm

If anything, wait for Newt to be done with his campaign, cover the dead rats with a little salt, and the problem will take care of itself.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Cuccinelli claims that the law would force D.C. pest-control workers to cross the border and dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs

Look, them Georgetown students gotta blow off steam, a'ight?

elviouslyqueer February 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

And don't forget those rowdy kids from Gallaudet. So messy!

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Right! You can't even hear them coming…

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Smack!

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 12:24 am

Look, I'm pretty sure he was refering to the District's Anacostia Blah population.

meatlofer February 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Your move, Carolina!

Chichikovovich February 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm

A rat summit, or as Germans call it, a Bundesrat.

emmelemm February 8, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Oh, that made me laugh.

littlebigdaddy February 8, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Ich gehe zum Rathaus.

Indiepalin February 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm

How'd you guys get into my house?

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Honestly, I was thinking the same thing. One of those colors is suspiciously close to the color on the wall in my bath. Though, it is not the blood.

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Maryland should man-up. You didn't hear NJ complaining about Occupy Wall Streets used rats.

HarryButtle February 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm

"The story, then, proceeds to note that every legislative expert and environmental department believes Cuccinelli is completely misreading what will happen."

Really? You mean to tell me that a Teatard politician is just making shit up in order to scare the rubes? That's unpossible.

Blueb4sunrise February 8, 2012 at 5:51 pm

GASP!!!!!!!!

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 5:10 pm

This is all a tax cutting ploy so they won't have to hire a Pied Piper. You can't pull the wool over THIS liberal's eyes!

real_dc_native February 8, 2012 at 5:24 pm

The rats on Capitol Hill are more numerous and frightening that any of the rats they might have found at McPherson Square.

cheetojeebus February 8, 2012 at 5:33 pm

This unrelenting barrage of stupid makes me feel like a rat in a little wire wheel. How am i expected to churn out snark at this rate? It's inhumane!

Biff February 8, 2012 at 5:42 pm

My guess is that this fucker thinks nothing at all of dumping all of his nuclear waste in MY state, though. Maybe he should advertise for a modern-day Pied Piper and just shut the fuck up.

elburritodeluxe February 8, 2012 at 5:46 pm

to be fair, we send our rats and vermin to them

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 5:46 pm

BUBONIC PLAGUE LIBEL!!1!

Sharkey February 8, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Rats off to ya, Kenny!

littlebigdaddy February 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm

You know who *else* compared his political enemies to rats?

chascates February 8, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Dick Cheney didn't want them? I thought he went through rats like crap through a goose! In much the same fashion!

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I wonder if Cuccinelli does Cagney when he speaks on this topic? "You dirty rat…." I wonder if he does it at home in front of a mirror? I wonder if he hold a gun in his hand when he does it? Why am I asking you?

owhatever February 8, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Make the rats carry photo IDs so Ken Hoochicoochi can prove where they come from: Michelle Obama's vegetable patch in DC.

chascates February 8, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Gingrich said today that we couldn't be the 'Arsenal of Democracy' if we didn't have an arsenal! (Obama has eliminated all our weapons I gather.) But do we really want to be the arsenal of democracy? Won't other countries buy that shit from China or India if we're not forcing them to buy our overpriced state-of-the-art stuff because we're:
a) bribing them
b) occupying them
c) flat-out forcing them

But then I don't speak as a historian as Newt does. So check out France Discovers Callista
.

mavenmaven February 8, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Animal infestation? Sarah Palin has her helicopter and rifle ready!

BZ1 February 8, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Repubs going on about rats in their midst, is a lack of self-awareness

ShaveTheWhales February 9, 2012 at 12:03 am

Cuccinelli is just angling to be appointed Rat Czar.

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 12:07 am

Yes, because if Virginia is known for one thing it is its clealiness, right?

You're running for gubnuh real hard-like, aren't you, Cooch?

vtxmcrider February 9, 2012 at 3:25 am

A lot of the filthy rats who work in DC already live in Maryland and Virginia.

DaRooster February 9, 2012 at 10:20 am

I would think they would just follow their leader to Virginia… Eric Cantor.

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Wasn't Baltimore the "rat capital of the world" or something at one point?

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

We knows how to deal with rats, hon.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:43 pm
Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 12:20 am

We'll charm them to death…with our guns.

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I read Waters' Shock Value in high school–thought it was the Greatest Book Evarr!

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Per Schrödinger, the rat in Ann Coulter's box might or might not be dead.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I used to see him about town more in years past, and I've been in supermarket checkout lines with him (ooooh!). I made damn sure he knew I had put the item divider on the belt, too.

Boojum_Reborn February 8, 2012 at 5:13 pm

No, see this is Ann Coulter. Therefore, the normal rules don't apply and the rat in Ann Coulter's box is always dead, because all of her particles have decayed.

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 5:13 pm

It would probably take a pair o' docs to find out for sure.

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Won't know until you peek.

Ugh, just threw up a little in my mouth.

Negropolis February 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Motor City Libel, yo!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: