today in rats

DC Should Obviously Dump All Of Its Rats In Virginia, Maryland

Is this the Abortionplex?Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia suburbs, killing everyone. Will it? All we can do now is pray that yes, it will.

Cuccinelli, the Washington Post reports, is planning to hold a “rat summit,” a term that describes every single meeting or basic interaction in Washington DC, but which in this case refers to actual real-world death rats:

Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II (R) used reports of Occupy’s rat infestation as a reason to rail against the Wildlife Protection Act, D.C.’s animal control law approved in 2010 but not yet fully used.

Cuccinelli claims that the law would force D.C. pest-control workers to cross the border and dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs, potentially exposing suburbanites to Lyme disease, rabies and other animal-borne ailments.

Cuccinelli has taken his concerns a step further, announcing that his office is coordinating a meeting — in true D.C. fashion, the Washington Examiner and other media have dubbed it a “rat summit” — with the office of Rep. Frank Wolf (R-Va.) and representatives of the District and other regional governments.

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We don’t know how a Patriot like Ken Cuccinelli could object to DC dumping all of its rats in his backyard. This is Washington, America’s famed capital, Ken. Rats are a national security issue. Just accept them and don’t be such a terrorist about it.

The story, then, proceeds to note that every legislative expert and environmental department believes Cuccinelli is completely misreading what will happen. That leads us to believe that Cuccinelli is only bringing up this fake issue to remind people that Occupy people had rats at their encampment. Shame on everyone.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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148 comments

        1. Extemporanus

          Sorry, you two.

          And if you haven't already, I'd strongly recommend against reading American Psycho.

        1. widestanceshakedown

          No, see the dead rats are in the vagina, so it's OK, albeit rather crowded.

          In answer to your question, I would close both doors on my junk to put it out of its misery.

          1. CapnFatback

            No, see the dead rats are in the vagina, so it's OK

            Well, then they're not in Coulter, are they?

            HEY-OOOH!

          2. Boojum_Reborn

            No, see this is Ann Coulter. Therefore, the normal rules don't apply and the rat in Ann Coulter's box is always dead, because all of her particles have decayed.

    1. Radiotherapy

      "Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

      1. Cicada

        Actually, if you want to get technical, GA dumped Newtie in D.C. and VA welcomed him with open arms shortly thereafter. They love him there (parts of NoVA excepted, as always), unlike the residents of D.C. who generally either hate the guy or don't give a fuck.

        I say after 15 years VA owns his ass and they should keep him in their yard and make sure he gets his shots. D.C. has enough vermin to look after, especially since so many states decided to send us their teabagging Congresscritters in 2010.*

        *My bitterness this morning is partly due to my parking spot being taken by a truck with Congress plates and plastered with "Pete Sessions for Congress" stickers. Fuck you, Texas!

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    They should field-dress the rats, fry them up, and serve them at the soup kitchens for the poor people. I'm sure Ken C. would approve of that.

    1. Beowoof

      I don't know, wouldn't Ken find that cannibalistic? Oh wait rats are cannibalistic, so eating other republicans wouldn't really bug them much.

    1. MittBorg

      Well, in all fairness, that movie *wuz* about teh Ratz.

      ETA: Dammitt!!! Great minds think alike. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

  2. UnholyMoses

    "Lyme disease"

    Not to be confused with Lymey Disease, an affliction that causes you to develop a taste for blood pudding, a love for Benny Hill, and a loss of dental hygiene.

  3. Negligently_Joe

    It's important to read the Examiner piece that the post links to there, because of this:

    Still, the public spat also prompted Maryland Del. Pat McDonough, a Baltimore County Republican, to draft legislation barring the relocation of D.C. rats to his state.

    "This insane law obviously places Maryland and Virginia at risk for an invasion of out-of-state rodents," McDonough said. "We must protect our borders."
    [...]
    "The rats multiply at astronomical rates and the rodents who have crossed the border into Maryland must be made illegal because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies," a news release from McDonough's office said.

    Subtle.

    1. actor212

      "The rats multiply at astronomical rates and the rodents who have crossed the border into Maryland must be made illegal because they can produce large numbers of anchor babies," a news release from McDonough's office said.

      Either this is the funniest thing I've read since the sperm post, or teh stoopit of Virginia is contagious.

  4. CapnFatback

    Cuccinelli has taken his concerns a step further, announcing that his office is coordinating a meeting — in true D.C. fashion, the Washington Examiner and other media have dubbed it a “rat summit” — with the office of Rep. Frank Wolf (R-Va.)

    Using a Wolf to catch rats is extreme. What's Kitty Harris doing these days?

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    That's a cute and very rare picture up there of the Long-Tailed Hamster taking a swim. Marlin Perkins eat your heart out.

    1. GOPCrusher

      "I'll wait by the urinal while Jim tags the Long-Tailed Hamster on this weeks episode of The Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom."

    1. UnholyMoses

      No.

      But city dwellers are mostly blah, and the burbians aren't, so Ken don't care, Ken don't give a fuck.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    Man, I wish EVERY TIME people started noticing they are getting fucked over and protest about it that a cocksucker like this would be infested with rats. That sounds like a solution to me.

  7. Baconzgood

    Rats in a DC park. Has any one ever been at the mall after dark? Must be Occupy that did it years and years prior to the movement. They are cunning that way.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I and a friend were sitting in a car one night some time ago in a park not far from Washington National (I won't call it Reagan) airport, watching the submarine races and the planes land. All of a sudden we both noticed that it appeared that the whole ground was moving: rats, a writhing carpet of rats. Now these were VIRGINIA rats. Cuccinelli, these weren't transplants from DC, but they spoke with a decidedly Virginia accent. OWS wasn't a glimmer in its daddy's eye. Where'd they come from, Cuch?

  8. Slim_Pickins

    Of course he's misreading what will happen. After all, he is a conservative. What's the sense of doing a reality check?

  9. b[redact]opple

    As much as I hate to side with someone whose last name is "The Second," I used to live in Ward 3 and I can declare that Mary Cheh, the dingbat who wrote the bill, is objectively pro-rat. In fact, she and her rats are why I moved to Ole Virginny. A funny position to be in.

    I wonder what my point is.

  10. slithytoves

    If Washington University in St. Louis would just stop torturing cats, they could send them to D.C. and take care of the rats.

    1. chicken_thief

      ….“the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together” ….

      The timing is really tricky 'cause it takes an egg about 7 minutes to come, so the sperm has to really hold back or do some oral/digital/toy pleasuring. But when it all falls together, it is a wonder to behold!

      Then they lie back and enjoy a smoke…

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      "coincidentally, we will be pooping into a modest but secure floor safe from now on."

      I laugh again every time I read the line.

  11. Joshua Norton

    dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs

    If he ever sees one, he can always jump up on his desk, pull his skirt over his head and scream like the little girl he is.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    What's the difference between Ken Cuccinelli and a pit bull? A pit bull eventually lets go — especially if it's latched onto something entirely pants-on-fire imaginary. He's just following up after his victorious witch hunt against that UVA professor for espousing the heretical belief that the climate is changing.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Wow, that's some vitriol — especially considering they got their information from Rush. You'd think they'd know his show is almost entirely devoid of facts.

    1. Negropolis

      What's the difference between Ken Cuccinelli and a pit bull? A pit bull eventually lets go…

      Boy, was that good. That was real good, son.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Given all the politicians that live in VA, I would assume the dead rats would be greeted as liberators.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If anything, wait for Newt to be done with his campaign, cover the dead rats with a little salt, and the problem will take care of itself.

  15. actor212

    Cuccinelli claims that the law would force D.C. pest-control workers to cross the border and dump their rats and other wild animals into the unsuspecting Maryland and Virginia suburbs

    Look, them Georgetown students gotta blow off steam, a'ight?

    1. jus_wonderin

      Honestly, I was thinking the same thing. One of those colors is suspiciously close to the color on the wall in my bath. Though, it is not the blood.

  16. HarryButtle

    "The story, then, proceeds to note that every legislative expert and environmental department believes Cuccinelli is completely misreading what will happen."

    Really? You mean to tell me that a Teatard politician is just making shit up in order to scare the rubes? That's unpossible.

  17. real_dc_native

    The rats on Capitol Hill are more numerous and frightening that any of the rats they might have found at McPherson Square.

  18. cheetojeebus

    This unrelenting barrage of stupid makes me feel like a rat in a little wire wheel. How am i expected to churn out snark at this rate? It's inhumane!

  19. Biff

    My guess is that this fucker thinks nothing at all of dumping all of his nuclear waste in MY state, though. Maybe he should advertise for a modern-day Pied Piper and just shut the fuck up.

  20. chascates

    Dick Cheney didn't want them? I thought he went through rats like crap through a goose! In much the same fashion!

  21. ttommyunger

    I wonder if Cuccinelli does Cagney when he speaks on this topic? "You dirty rat…." I wonder if he does it at home in front of a mirror? I wonder if he hold a gun in his hand when he does it? Why am I asking you?

  22. owhatever

    Make the rats carry photo IDs so Ken Hoochicoochi can prove where they come from: Michelle Obama's vegetable patch in DC.

  23. chascates

    Gingrich said today that we couldn't be the 'Arsenal of Democracy' if we didn't have an arsenal! (Obama has eliminated all our weapons I gather.) But do we really want to be the arsenal of democracy? Won't other countries buy that shit from China or India if we're not forcing them to buy our overpriced state-of-the-art stuff because we're:
    a) bribing them
    b) occupying them
    c) flat-out forcing them

    But then I don't speak as a historian as Newt does. So check out France Discovers Callista
    .

  24. Negropolis

    Yes, because if Virginia is known for one thing it is its clealiness, right?

    You're running for gubnuh real hard-like, aren't you, Cooch?

  25. widestanceshakedown

    I used to see him about town more in years past, and I've been in supermarket checkout lines with him (ooooh!). I made damn sure he knew I had put the item divider on the belt, too.

Comments are closed.