ZYGOTE NEWS  2:30 pm February 8, 2012

Senator Mocks Crazies With ‘Each Sperm Is Sacred’ Amendment

by Liz Colville

save that jizz

To make a point, which is a thing that congresspersons occasionally do, Democrat Constance Johnson, State Senator from Oklahoma, proposed an amendment to the state’s personhood bill this week that would render punishable by law ANY sperm that does not enter into a competition with its squiggly brethren to make a baby! The personhood bill, spearheaded by some Republican freaks, is intended to define life as beginning at conception, i.e. a zygote should have all the rights of an actual born human, like being allowed to get married to a person of the same sex in the state of California, ahahhaa. Senate Bill 1433 states that an unborn child “at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” Johnson’s amendment, intended to highlight the insanity of this, essentially states that Each Sperm Must Find Its Egg. Amazing.

Johnson’s sassy amendment, in case you can’t read her passé cursive:

However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.

The thing is this is probably something that Rick Santorum believes to be true, thanks for giving him this great idea.

Johnson has since retracted her amendment, satisfied that she made her point that 1433 is odious.

The personhood bill, which unfortunately is still real, has some other weird clauses, including one which seems to suggest that if a woman “accidentally” drinks herself to death or something while pregnant, that’s OK, which, why even go to this place of your imaginations, “law”makers?

Nothing in this section shall be interpreted as creating a cause of action against a woman for indirectly harming her unborn child by failing to properly care for herself or by failing to follow any particular program of prenatal care.

In other strangely related Sperm News, the striking down of Prop 8 in California on Tuesday prompted Rep. Louie Gohmert, a Republican from Texas, to say on the House floor that he is DEEPLY OFFENDED that some people/judges think that sperm doesn’t always have to be joined with an egg in perfect harmony. Said Gohmert:

The court, as I understand it today, struck down a law that said marriage is between a man and a woman. It’s interesting that there are some courts in America where the judges have become so wise in their own eyes that they know better than nature or nature’s God. Nature seemed to like the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together because of pro-creation. Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically, combining it with something else. But the voters of Iowa came back and said you know what, if you’re not smart enough to figure out actual plumbing…then perhaps we need new judges, and that’s what they did.

“Plumbing”!!!!!!!!! “Combining it with something else”!!!! Well yes, often TO MAKE SANTORUM. [Jezebel/Towleroad]

 
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{ 239 comments }

nounverb911 February 8, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Did Constance break out into song and dance while proposing the amendment?

a_pink_poodle February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

AND MINE!

Terry February 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

That was my exact thought when reading this post. Oklahoma has become a Monty Python skit and in doing so actually raised the level of discourse.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 6:59 pm

BLANCMANGE FOR OKLAHOMA GOVERNOR.

Spurning Beer February 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Fetus jury duty should be interesting.

Grief_Lessons February 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Wait 'til they start drafting the little guys for the upcoming Sino/Iranian war.

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Twelve Angry Semen

sharethegrief February 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

No Sperm Left Behind.

GhostBuggy February 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Saving Private Sperm.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 7:00 pm

You'll laugh 'til you cryonic.

MOG2410 February 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Sperm will be made to pay both pre and post-coital income taxes. Hey, does this mean we can deduct them from ours?

bureaucrap February 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

And the couple must be put to death anyways, for allowing the 23,999,999 sperm that didn't make it to the egg to remain unborn.

MrFizzy February 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Glad I don't live in Oklahoma, because there's a lot of dead sacredness on my computer keyboard at the moment.

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

We're all getting new keyboards here at work for just that reason!

MrFizzy February 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

All at the same time? Is that like a mens' cycle thing?

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

The funny part is I'm completely serious (well except for the sperm all over the keyboard thing since I don't produce sperm). IT just brought me mine. Instead of Valentine's Day flowers I get hardware – yay!

Lascauxcaveman February 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm

If you find that disappointing, you may be expecting a bit too much from your IT department, V-Day nothwithstanding.

Perhaps if you take the initiative when Steak-And-A-Blowjob Day rolls around, your IT guys will have something more exciting for you next February.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:52 pm

You sure are MY kinda girl, MissT. Any woman who is happier about new electronics than flowers for Valentine's … well. If SB weren't watching me like a hawk, I'd get on the BART and zip right up to your office.

Crank_Tango February 8, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I thought you wanted, um, hardware? Sure beats software, amirite?

MrFizzy February 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

BTW how do I apply for a job there?

Terry February 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Let's hope you all have offices and aren't in a cube farm doing this.

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

How do you think the seeds get planted in a cube farm?

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Hey!

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Here I didn't know the strip club used computers.

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

It's how we control the stage lighting.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 7:01 pm

This is why we must have no wanking in the office.

nounverb911 February 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Why does Johnson hate teenage Okie boys Johnson's?

VinnyThePooh February 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

"I'm afraid it's scientific experiments for the lot of you."

iburl February 8, 2012 at 4:16 pm

- Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
- Hohh, it's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all! He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him.
- You could have had them pulled off in an accident.
- No. No, children. I know you're trying to help, but, believe me, me mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.

JustPixelz February 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Then there's the Sperm Whale — at least that's what his female staffers called him back in the 80s. And 90s. And 2000s.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Are we talking about Herman Cain again?

Isyaignert February 8, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Don't forget about Rick Santorum's recent fundraiser titled "Conservitives United Moneybomb" (CUM). It's better than Saturday Night Live!

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 8:09 pm

ZOMG. BRB. I have to Tweet that.

Srsly. Anything that will slime, er, slam Santorum.

orygoon February 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Europe is diverted from its troubles long enough to its ass off at us.

Grief_Lessons February 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Don't leave me hanging, I need a verb to fully appreciate your comment! Is it jiggle? Gyrate? Fist?

orygoon February 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Ha ha, hung Wonketteers, because I _____ed up.

Lucidamente1 February 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Needs moar anal probes for menfolk who want them some viagra; otherwise, perfect.

Gratuitous World February 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

"Constance Johnson" used to be the term the Church used to describe their policy dictating Cialis + Viagra prescription coverage for Male employees.

Kudos, Senator.

Sue4466 February 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Constance Johnson. Hero.

At the same time, the OK legislature defeated another amendment that would make men who father a child with a woman responsible for providing support to that child. Because you know, this is about controlling women's reproduction, not men's.

Not_So_Much February 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

jeebus h. tapdancing kreesto…

Can we build the danged fence (to keep them in) already?!

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Joe Walsh approves!

meatlofer February 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Wow! I'm in trouble!

Spurning Beer February 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Louis Gohmert is one of the best arguments that neither evolution nor creationism is true.

flamingpdog February 8, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Louis Gohmert is one of the best arguments that Native Americans fucked buffalo.

Cicada February 8, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Gohmert ia actually a prime example of the competing theory of devolution. A living, breathing member of Jockohomo sapiens. Members of the species can be identified by their small cranial size (aka "pinheadedness") and by their affinity for business suits and dancing the Poot.

doloras February 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

ARE WE NOT MEN?

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:40 pm

" [...] dancing the Poot."

I just call that "obfuscating the fart," like any guilty public farter would, but hey, maybe the next time someone accuses me of the stinkjob, I'll just claim to be dancing the Poot.

nounverb911 February 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Gohmert's still a virgin?

Sue4466 February 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

That could explain a lot. Esp the look in his eyes. He's like the Senate's own Kenneth the Page.

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Not according to his flock of sheep.

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

That sheep's a GAWT-DEM LIAR!

kissawookiee February 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Looking like a giant talking penis has to count for something.

MightySix February 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

So after Louis Gohmert rubs one out to, oh I dunno, Super Bowl halftime shows (Nicki Minaj is hawt!) he carefauly takes the sock over to his wife and says, "I got sumpin' fer ya"?

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

This was named the Only Natal Application of Nature, or ONAN amendment.

o/~ Anything you can do, I can make fun of. I can make fun of anything you do… o/~

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm

You saw what Gawd did to Onan for mis-placing his seed, don't you?

Or as they say in OK, firing up his Johnson.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Yes, I know the story well. I had it repeated to me ad nauseum the time my mom found my sock.

Never made sense, tho. He was balling his dead bro's wife and pulled out to hose her down, but somehow, it was pulling his pud that got him in trouble.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm

It's because, under Hebrew law of the time, the dead man's brother was *required* to ball his dead bro's wife. I think (but no longer remember) the underlying idea was to keep the woman's "marriage portion," i.e., dowry, dower, etc., in the marital family rather than having to repay it to the widow. Had Onan planted his seed in the widow, she might have borne a child, thereby securing her assets, such as they might be, to her, i.e., HIS, posterity.

ETA: Some Christians use this biblical example as an argument against birth control. It is not.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Yes, but he didn't jerk the gherkin! That's gotta count for something!

MosesInvests February 9, 2012 at 1:30 am

Actually, the idea was to make sure your brother had an heir. The worst curse imaginable to my Bronze Age/Iron Age ancestors was to be childless.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm

He invented the "Money Shot".

Serolf_Divad February 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

You know… these things start out as a joke, then before you know it Rick Santorum steps in to co-sponsor your bill and suddenly you're calling press conferences and furiously trying to explain yourself.

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

All of my sperm are already married to corporations.

Terry February 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Do they have advertising on them like Nascar vehicles?

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

So they're already people.

Indiepalin February 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Gohmert – Joe the Plumber 2012 !!

facehead February 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

This reminds me, I gotta go perform some abortions over at YouPorn.

Not_So_Much February 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I don't know (or care) what she looks like — I'm masturbating to Constance right now.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

She joins the Virginia Senator who tried to add the anal probing for Viagra prescriptions provision to the stupid ultrasound for abortions law as my new heroes.

flamingpdog February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm

You could do a lot worse, NSM.

Oh, and for an example of cluelessness. Or, mebbe, hopefully, just good snark.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

I'm liking that lady. Thanks, pdog.

I think ToxicHominid is snark. I mean, s/he's all down on Prop 8 and stuff.

StarsUponThars February 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Senator "Johnson" issues sperm amendment. This shit writes itself!

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

And then Johnson withdraws

sunmusing February 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Soooo…..Is swallowing a load considered "cannibalism"? How does that dovetail into the "no fetus in foods?" thing. I'm sorry Wonkettes I'm re-adjusting the pain meds, and I'm angry.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Don't be sorry! We're ALL angry!

Spurning Beer February 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Senator Johnson might want to re-submit her amendment, and have the bill designated the Paul Rubens-Christine O'Donnell-Onan Spermatazoal Rights Bill.

Local_Mojo February 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Louie Gohmert: the Plumber's Helper.

JustPixelz February 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

The important thing is how many jobs the Repubican personhood bill will create.

Another lady parts law. Let's just call them "She-ria Laws".

The one sperm who gets in the egg is a member of the 0.0000001%. The rest are middle class — like Mitt Romney, for example.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I am SO tweeting that.

johnnyzhivago February 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

No egg shall be fertilized without giving prior consent in writing.

DerrickWildcat February 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I don't do that.

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I do.

VinnyThePooh February 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Fertilizing things in a septic tank doesn't count, right? Right?

edgydrifter February 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Some deputy in OK will probably try to arrest God now for "gross negligence resulting in the non-creation of a fetus-person" the next time his seed fails to find purchase in the loins of his darling womping sow.

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Gohmert! Fuck you. Cuz being gay is only about the sperm. Oh, the sperm. Sperm. Sperm. Sperm.

Fuck you hard.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

You mean there's non-spermin' GAY?

I just want to grab this lousy little fuck by his dewlaps and slap him unconscious. These people have no idea how much damage they do every time they open their mouths, and some tardpug follower of theirs takes it into their head to enact all that hate on the next "gay-seeming" person they encounter. I don't know a single gay person (except maybe the uber-wealthy Mary Cheney) who doesn't have a story to tell of bullying and persecution and bashing.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

"It’s interesting that there are some courts in America where the judges have become so wise in their own eyes that they know better than nature or nature’s God"

Well of course they know better than nature's God; all humans know more than something that doesn't exist.

BarryOPotter February 8, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Like minds…

Per Paine: "A thing which everybody is required to believe, requires that the proof and evidence of it should be equal to all, and universal." And, I guess, in a court of law, evidence trumps faith…

johnnyzhivago February 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

If I name them, Can I claim my 40 billion sperms as tax deductions?

James Michael Curley February 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Only the first seven.

Flat_Earther February 8, 2012 at 6:41 pm

The need SS#s…

Sparky MacGyver February 9, 2012 at 8:16 am

They're "Haploid-Americans", thank you very much.

HempDogbane February 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Santorum/Squiggly Brethren 2012 !

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Louie Gohmert thinks marriage is only for and about procreation? What about those poor curchgoing fools who get married just to have sex? Yes, it's true that they're horribly misled and should otherwise be fucking their brains out in a state of unmarried bliss, but he should at least give them some sort of recourse.

And what the hell is this about him invoking nature? I've seen nature, Louie, and nature seems to tell males of every species to get it on with whatever happens to be nearby — statistically, this ends up causing a moderate amount of reproduction, but on the whole it's a random and messy process.

Oh, and one more thing — fuck you and your "nature's God." Can't you have a goddamn conversation about sex without any of your goddamn fucking sanctimony — please?!

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I guess we should outlaw marriage for post-menopausal women then.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Also for intersex/intergender persons, the infertile, the childfree-by-choice, and any man with a low sperm count.

FakaktaSouth February 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Can he have a conversation without talking about sex at all? Seems these guys are fucking obsessed. If my husband talked about gay sex this much I would absolutely think he was trying to tell me something.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Honey, if your husband talked about gay sex that much, you'd divorce him, just to have a little peace and quiet.

BarryOPotter February 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Can't you have a goddamn conversation about sex without any of your goddamn fucking sanctimony — please?!

What's with your raging hard-on for evidence, logic, and reason that forces you to always bow to the dialectic when big ole Louie Lou ain't doin' nuthin' but trying to save your damnable soul pre-santorum?

Mumbletypeg February 8, 2012 at 3:43 pm

what the hell is this about him invoking nature?

This adversarial bumpkin would be better off handed the Bugs Bunny charm treatment as with the cartoon character's aboriginal sparring partner: "Nature, I didn't know ya cared!"

Ohforcripessake February 8, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Dammit I wish I could give you 2 thumbs-up!

Pragmatist2 February 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I stand ready to ejaculate in vaginas as required by law.
Do I find them at City Hall?

Steverino247 February 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

While there are a few Vaginal-Americans there, most of the elected officials are cunts.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Which, as all the lovely ladies in the world know != female.

Baconzgood February 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

After reading the post I thought of this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDBjsFAyiwA

RIP Graham Chapman-comedic genius.

mstreds February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

She stole that idea from Elle Woods in Legally Blonde

"For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment. "

Limeylizzie February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

This woman, and the one who proposed the reciprocal rectal exam for men in Virginia to make up for that ultrasound before abortion law ,should be made honorary Wonketteers and given 200 p points.

HistoriCat February 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I second the sentiment but I'm not sure it's possible to get 200 p points.

Limeylizzie February 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I have lurked at 118 for weeks and weeks…so you may be correct.

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I think it is similar to achieveing lightspeed.

Dashboard Buddha February 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Hear hear

Designer_Rants February 8, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Politics needz moar Ladies!

NYNYNYjr February 8, 2012 at 9:11 pm

This is one reason we didn't want to have women in government. They mock us and make light when we are trying to pass very very serious godly laws concerning ladies and weird lady parts. The men should be able to pass these laws in Quiet Rooms.

johnnyzhivago February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Sperm are people too, my friend.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

??

I sure hope not, or we'll NEVAH get anything done, with all the funerals we'll be holding.

coolhandnuke February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Most of my poor decisions resulted from thinking with my constant johnson. Most of Oklahoma's poor decisions come from living in Oklahoma.
Thank you Constance Johnson, you are the one reason to visit Oklahoma.

flamingpdog February 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Okie Dokie Dog and Dustbowl Blues haz the sadz.

Isyaignert February 8, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Thinking with your "little head" eh?

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate all of my fellow winners of the Glans-to-Egg Derby. Kicked all them other little tadpoles' asses, we did!!!

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Constance Johnson is blah and a woman. By Oklahoma conservatard standards she should just stfu and get back in the fields – those crops won't pick themselves, Little Miss Uppity and Think You're Clever and All!!!

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

"Democrat Constance Johnson, State Senator from Oklahoma"

DustBowlBlues, is that you?

flamingpdog February 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

There's blahs that post on teh Wonkette?

prommie February 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Now thats a Johnson I could love!

Franknflower February 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

So if said pregnant woman punches herself in the stomach repeately and something should happen to said mini person in the person, that's ok?

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I think it is called the "Heinrich".

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Don't think I didn't see what you did there, Jungfrau.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 4:53 pm

No. But if her husband does it, it's OK because she probably disobeyed him.

orygoon February 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

“Combining it with something else”

Mercifully, neither The Heir nor The Spare considered this particular science project back in their schooldays. Whew! Close one, that.

FakaktaSouth February 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Okay! We have a no blow jobs, no jerking off, no buttsecks, no money shots bill. Neat. After all the men I saw defending the Catholic Church yesterday, as bummed as this here idea in practice makes me, I kinda wanna see the looks on some faces. (but no sperm)

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

HOLY SHIT! I JUST REALIZED: NO BLOW JOBS!!!!!

Is she INsaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane???????????????????????????? I mean, what if it actually passes??????

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

No blow jobs, but it does allow going down on a woman; this lady Senator is being selfish.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Will there be a black market for blow jobs? Back alley handjobs? Anal sex in dark bars?

Wait. We'll all be GAY!

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2012 at 3:46 pm

So back alley handjobs lead to back door sex?!?!??

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I imagine all the pro-blow job people would pack up and leave the state.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:51 pm

There's gonna be some sad, sad faces all around.

Is there a man in the world who doesn't think a blow-job is the best thing EVAH?

Dashboard Buddha February 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

This is bad news for Bukkake.

vodkamuppet February 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

That depends on how you look at it. Sweet, sweet underground bootleg bukkake, awwwum yeah that's hot.

Dashboard Buddha February 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Good info…but I'm trying to cut back, thanks.

vodkamuppet February 8, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Understandable, I've been there.

Redhead February 8, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Bad news for Santorum, too.

mrblifil February 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

However, boom times for the Creampie sector.

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

JOB creators?

fartknocker February 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I guess MS Word hasn't made its way to the Oklahoma Capitol complex.

V572 Flambé February 8, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Wordstar still rulez in OKC. Ctrl-Y!

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Neither has MS Brains.

SmutBoffin February 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"…depositing semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina…" is a crime now? Peter North should be brought before the Hague at any time now.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I just want to know: If I deposit it in a vajayjay, will it earn interest?

jus_wonderin February 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Probably, initially. Eventually the VJJ will have a headache or just be to darn tired to have interest.

Baconzgood February 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I worked with a plumber and he said all you have to know about plumbing is sperm flows downhill.

Spurning Beer February 8, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Senate Bill 1433 states that an unborn child “at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

John Q. Trimester has the right to bear arms, then. I think that's the only right Oklahoma guarantees its citizens.

ph7 February 8, 2012 at 3:01 pm

DEVELOPING: Susan G. Komen withdraws all funding of Kleenex.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:53 pm

OK, I LOLd.

prommie February 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Sperms is combining with poopies! The end of the world is nigh, soon the world will be full of these poop-spawned angry little Poop-Persons (commonly known by their Japanese name, Domo-Kun). Watch out, that one has a snake!

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Jeez, I hope there's a grandfather clause on this; I'd have had gym socks in my teen years that could have been renamed Katyn Forest.

Mumbletypeg February 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Each Sperm Must Find Its Egg.

Some people need to Find A Life.

Blueb4sunrise February 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

that's a lyric .

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically,

So it would seem that Gohmert is an advocate of production for use? Socialist!

I mean, the greatest reason to make sperm is "just cuz."

barto February 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm
emmelemm February 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Johnson has since retracted her amendment, satisfied that she made her point that 1433 is odious.

I'm not satisfied that the point is made! Reinstate the amendment, please.

littlebigdaddy February 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Oh the humanity!!!!!!!!

BarackMyWorld February 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Gohmert's on a roll this week.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

As long as that roll doesn't ejaculate, he should be safe.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically, combining it with something else.

Louie, my boy, think of it as Liquid Plumbr for the colon….

Guppy February 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I prefer to think of it as my sperm taking the "scenic route" and being easily distracted.

Karma_Suture February 8, 2012 at 11:07 pm

SQUIRREL!

BornInATrailer February 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Gohmert likes his porn like he likes his dessert: cream pie or nothing.

gizdal February 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

has everyone forgotten that old Monty Python song and skit- "every sperm is sacred" ?

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

They must have forgotten, or else Liz would have referenced it in the very title of this post.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Clickez ze link, you silly English-type k'nigget.

WhatTheHeck February 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Oh for god’s sake. Think of all those hundreds of thousands of spermies laying around all dead like. While the ONE sperm got lucky with the home-coming queen egg.
Will no one think of of the carnage. Oh, the humanity. I can’t take this anymore. There’s too much death in creating life. I’m putting my sperm under lock and key so I am no longer guilty of mass murder.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 3:27 pm

But then the lucky sperm destroyed the homecoming queen's figure, that bastard.

starfanglednut February 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Inorite? Then he left her and had an affair with an egg half his age!

slowhansolo February 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

And now comes CLENCHFIST! Destroyer of unborn civilizations!

twoeightnine February 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Honey, you've got murder all over your face.

smokefilledroommate February 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

And moving slightly ahead of Arizona in the race to create the World's Craziest State Senate Bill is… Oklahoma!!

owhatever February 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

And all of those sperms what don't hook up with a cool egg? Are they criminals? Some eggs think they are so much better than you. Try to buy them a drink, and they're like, "Go Away, Loser." The eggs all get prettier at closing time, but what can a sperm and egg do when they wake up and realize "OMG, we're going to be Ann Coulter!"

weej_bain February 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Does this mean the end to Fappy Daze?

OT, Rushie is fapping wildly and flogging the establishment RINOs over Santorum's three-way yesterday. Seems Rush has "…profound respect and administration…” for the dittoheads that listen to his show. Who knew that Rush just loved managing his minions?

Radiotherapy February 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I, however, am fap happy.

proudgrampa February 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

WTF?

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Can I charge rent as a sperm depository? I don't want people just making deposits and forgetting about it.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Hey, we're doing all the work and making the deposits! We deserve interest, you one-percenter!

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I'm holding all this sperm hostage until my uterus gets a bailout!

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 3:45 pm

If fetuses have all the rights and responsibilities of persons, the uterus' owner really should be able to charge them rent; it's only fair.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Unless the uterus' owner is operating as a fast food restaurant.

Flat_Earther February 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm

There are laws against such rental arrangements except in certain parts of Nevada and believe that even in those excepted areas artificial barriers are required that prevent the deposit from entering the vault.

elviouslyqueer February 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Liz, darling, I would like the approximately 5 seconds of my life back that I just spent reading the Jezebel commenters discussion of the linguistic nuances of "creampie." Ye fucking gods.

BigDumbRedDog February 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I like to think of each menstration like a mini-abortion.

starfanglednut February 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Shorter repubs:

People: zygotes, corporations, straight, rich white men.

Not people: Teh blahs, gheys, and poorz.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm

You seem to have forgotten teh wimminz, about whom this entire article, in essence, is.

chascates February 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Quoteth Wikipedia:
However, when Onan had sex with Tamar, he disregarded this principle when he withdrew before climax[3] and "spilled his seed (or semen) on the ground", since any child born would not legally be considered his heir.[4] This he did several times,[5] disregarding the principle of a Levirate union, and was accordingly sentenced to death by Yahweh for this wickedness. (Genesis 38:8-10) This biblical story does not refer to masturbation, but to coitus interruptus.[6][7][8][9][10] The Bible does not claim that masturbation would be sinful.[11][12]

MosesInvests February 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm

And the sin was not coitus interruptus per se, but rather refusing to provide an heir for his brother.

HistoriCat February 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm

It's a contract dispute – how very Republican!

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Emmis. Even after death, you have to obey.

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Daddy-in-Law porked her later on the side of a dirt road, for moneez. He was Judah and an ancestor of Jesus, BTW. Good read.

Radiotherapy February 8, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Like Tokyo, Hiroshima and Nagasaki:
♫ ♬ I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so. ♫ ♬

teebob2000 February 8, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oh, those silly senators from 350 BC and their crimes of Onanism! LOLz

real_dc_native February 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I can never go to OK if this became law. I've murdered more sperm cells that Romney has corporations. Swimmers are people too my friend.

Wonderthing February 8, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I once wrote a one act play called "Skunk Loves Baba" in which two people were imprisoned for talking about having a baby and then chosing not to have one. We get closer to that every day. Time to dust it off maybe and send it out again.

sharethegrief February 8, 2012 at 3:46 pm

This explains why dogs in Oklahoma only dry hump.

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Guess the authors of Senate Bill 1433 really have, uh, egg on their face now.

Redhead February 8, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"i.e. a zygote should have all the rights of an actual born human, like being allowed to get married to a person of the same sex in the state of California, ahahhaa."

Hmmm. So if this were to become law and I found myself accidentally pregnant, all I'd have to do is get married to the son/go to California and gay marry the daughter, have an attorney declare me next of kin and then tell the doctor to make the difficult decision to withdraw life support (ie, my own damn body) from the fetus.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Er … can we just leave the "come" out?

MaxNeanderthal February 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Sperm Whale? Is that like the Walrus of Luurrrve on steroids?

PlanetWingNut February 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

This is bad news to pedophile priests…

Extemporanus February 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Well hell…I was finally going to deposit a cumment, but at this point, it appears that a mop might be much more appreciated.

Sooo messy!

EBGrey February 8, 2012 at 4:05 pm

So, lemme get this straight. Under the proposed Bill, a fertilized egg is a life that is sacred and must be protected. However, it is totally OK for a woman to consciously cause indirect harm to this sacred life while it is residing within her. Got it.

Flat_Earther February 8, 2012 at 6:36 pm

It is known as the coat hanger exception.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Is Gohmert doing vodka tampons at work again?

Listen, you people can pass judgment on my sperm when you lick it from my cold sticky hand.

mrblifil February 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I've been working all day to try to develop corroboration for the Senator's efforts. All in the name of science. Or politics. Or political science. Or porn. Or something. Mmm…porn.

KeepFnThatChicken February 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Tonight, I am going to commit an action against an unborn child… if by "commit an action against an unborn child," you mean "masturbate furiously".

Nesnora February 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I can't wait for tonight when my boyfriend and I commit genocide all over our filthy, anti-creation sheets.

Steverino247 February 8, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Change to the lyrics for tonight's performance:

You're doing WHAT, Oklahoma?
Oklahoma, no way!

Neoyorquino February 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

"Nature seemed to like the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together . . . " Because Mother Nature is one hot, kinky bitch like that. And now some hot penguin-on-penguin action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UibmZXbiI3Y

proudgrampa February 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I think that is the most wonderful, romantic story I've ever heard! *snif*

BTWBFDIMHO February 8, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Now, some monkey-meets-Santorum action. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hqq3bIJEhA

JackObin February 8, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Stupidity begins at conception.

VaWyo February 8, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Are those that work in a sperm bank considered to be kidnappers?

lochnessmonster February 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

If the sperm are ppl, aren't the eggs people too?

Flat_Earther February 8, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Is it some form of premeditated homicide to turn on some porn with the intention of, well you know…

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Considering OK is the Sooner State, I think this bill may prove in violation of the equal protection clause, as it adversely impacts premature ejaculators.

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 7:41 pm

But it's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want to, so there!

Ohforcripessake February 8, 2012 at 8:58 pm

You just made sperm come out my nose!

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Just so it doesn't hit the ground.

rocktonsam February 8, 2012 at 8:48 pm

did she have a blue dress on?

Ohforcripessake February 8, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Would having a vasectomy put one up for false imprisonment charges in OK?

freddymcmurray February 8, 2012 at 10:56 pm

You joke, but the Catholic hospital in my town won't let the urologists on staff perform vasectomies. You have to schedule the procedure at the hospital at the other end of town. Even though the urologists office is in the Catholic hospital.

Designer_Rants February 8, 2012 at 9:00 pm

All the laws that needed to be made in Oklahoma must've already been made. So now they're doing this.

freddymcmurray February 8, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I can't wait until this passes. Then Mexicans will only need to jump the border to do the nasty… et voila… American citizen!

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 11:37 pm

(Hugs the dood) I think we're all in the same boat here. If not for each other, we would all have probably gone stark raving mad quite a while ago and run (or hobbled or crawled) screaming down the street. I hope you've managed to cut down on the pain meds — after a certain point they're actually worse than useless and start pain feedback loops that make you crazy. It's tough getting off them, but when you get stuck in a pain cycle you can't get out of, you know it's time. I got neurontin for the bizarre nerve pains that started after being on the percocet for a long time, but nobody tells you that the off-label use can leave you with damage to your tendons, especially your carpal tendons.

Old age sucks, my friend. I wish I could hand you a big spliff, I'm sure that would make you feel a ton better. We have to struggle on. I finish physical therapy in a week, and then I'm on my own. Some days the pain doesn't let me sleep, so I know what you're going through. You can always talk to me. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

sunmusing February 9, 2012 at 3:13 pm

You have helped a great deal already, thanks. I'm pretty much over the worst of it…… as my mind drifts towards Barb, whom I believe has a wonderful sense of humor, and I think she is one of the “Warriors” of the web, against injustice, and intolerance. I follow several who are that way as well, good inspiration for me.

gurukalehuru February 9, 2012 at 8:03 am

Why does it always have to be pro-creation. Does Louie the lip have something against amateur creation?

re the main point of the article: One should be careful with sarcasm, as their might be many people in Oklahoma who don't get it. Particularly in the Oklahoma State Senate.

LisbethBlue February 26, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I second the OK amendment — catch them sperm in a plastic sock, store ‘em in the frig' and keep em’ forever…And, Guys you can’t release anymore until these are used up. Or, move to Virginia and use them for target practice….

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

You don't have to worry about SB watching this weekend. He has some really boring plans involving eating out and not depositing his sperm in a woman's vagina.

Poor kid, I kinda feel sorry for him.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

It's a gay-way drug.

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

ESPECIALLY that part about not depositing his sperm in a woman's vagina. Good thing he doesn't live in OK!

You know he's gonna be right over takin' names and kickin' ass (mine), right?

MittBorg February 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Just ask President Barry, dood. You don't get credit for the stuff you *didn't* do.

Isyaignert February 8, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Hahaha – Steak-And-A-Blowjob Day – that's funny! As to hardware or flowers, can't we have both?

MittBorg February 9, 2012 at 1:48 am

Ah. Perhaps it's the tribes of the Punjab who instituted it as a way of keeping the woman's dowry in the marital family. Peasants and land, you know.

MosesInvests February 9, 2012 at 9:26 am

AFAIK, the custom in the ancient Middle East was for the groom to pay bride-price to the bride's family.

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