zygote news

Senator Mocks Crazies With ‘Each Sperm Is Sacred’ Amendment

save that jizz

To make a point, which is a thing that congresspersons occasionally do, Democrat Constance Johnson, State Senator from Oklahoma, proposed an amendment to the state’s personhood bill this week that would render punishable by law ANY sperm that does not enter into a competition with its squiggly brethren to make a baby! The personhood bill, spearheaded by some Republican freaks, is intended to define life as beginning at conception, i.e. a zygote should have all the rights of an actual born human, like being allowed to get married to a person of the same sex in the state of California, ahahhaa. Senate Bill 1433 states that an unborn child “at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” Johnson’s amendment, intended to highlight the insanity of this, essentially states that Each Sperm Must Find Its Egg. Amazing.

Johnson’s sassy amendment, in case you can’t read her passé cursive:

However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.

The thing is this is probably something that Rick Santorum believes to be true, thanks for giving him this great idea.

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Johnson has since retracted her amendment, satisfied that she made her point that 1433 is odious.

The personhood bill, which unfortunately is still real, has some other weird clauses, including one which seems to suggest that if a woman “accidentally” drinks herself to death or something while pregnant, that’s OK, which, why even go to this place of your imaginations, “law”makers?

Nothing in this section shall be interpreted as creating a cause of action against a woman for indirectly harming her unborn child by failing to properly care for herself or by failing to follow any particular program of prenatal care.

In other strangely related Sperm News, the striking down of Prop 8 in California on Tuesday prompted Rep. Louie Gohmert, a Republican from Texas, to say on the House floor that he is DEEPLY OFFENDED that some people/judges think that sperm doesn’t always have to be joined with an egg in perfect harmony. Said Gohmert:

The court, as I understand it today, struck down a law that said marriage is between a man and a woman. It’s interesting that there are some courts in America where the judges have become so wise in their own eyes that they know better than nature or nature’s God. Nature seemed to like the idea of an egg and a sperm coming together because of pro-creation. Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically, combining it with something else. But the voters of Iowa came back and said you know what, if you’re not smart enough to figure out actual plumbing…then perhaps we need new judges, and that’s what they did.

“Plumbing”!!!!!!!!! “Combining it with something else”!!!! Well yes, often TO MAKE SANTORUM. [Jezebel/Towleroad]

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About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville

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239 comments

    1. Terry

      That was my exact thought when reading this post. Oklahoma has become a Monty Python skit and in doing so actually raised the level of discourse.

    1. MOG2410

      Sperm will be made to pay both pre and post-coital income taxes. Hey, does this mean we can deduct them from ours?

  1. bureaucrap

    And the couple must be put to death anyways, for allowing the 23,999,999 sperm that didn't make it to the egg to remain unborn.

  2. MrFizzy

    Glad I don't live in Oklahoma, because there's a lot of dead sacredness on my computer keyboard at the moment.

        1. MissTaken

          The funny part is I'm completely serious (well except for the sperm all over the keyboard thing since I don't produce sperm). IT just brought me mine. Instead of Valentine's Day flowers I get hardware – yay!

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            If you find that disappointing, you may be expecting a bit too much from your IT department, V-Day nothwithstanding.

            Perhaps if you take the initiative when Steak-And-A-Blowjob Day rolls around, your IT guys will have something more exciting for you next February.

          2. Isyaignert

            Hahaha – Steak-And-A-Blowjob Day – that's funny! As to hardware or flowers, can't we have both?

          3. MittBorg

            You sure are MY kinda girl, MissT. Any woman who is happier about new electronics than flowers for Valentine's … well. If SB weren't watching me like a hawk, I'd get on the BART and zip right up to your office.

          4. MissTaken

            You don't have to worry about SB watching this weekend. He has some really boring plans involving eating out and not depositing his sperm in a woman's vagina.

            Poor kid, I kinda feel sorry for him.

          5. MittBorg

            ESPECIALLY that part about not depositing his sperm in a woman's vagina. Good thing he doesn't live in OK!

            You know he's gonna be right over takin' names and kickin' ass (mine), right?

    1. iburl

      - Couldn't you have your balls cut off?
      - Hohh, it's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all! He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him.
      - You could have had them pulled off in an accident.
      - No. No, children. I know you're trying to help, but, believe me, me mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.

      1. Isyaignert

        Don't forget about Rick Santorum's recent fundraiser titled "Conservitives United Moneybomb" (CUM). It's better than Saturday Night Live!

    1. Grief_Lessons

      Don't leave me hanging, I need a verb to fully appreciate your comment! Is it jiggle? Gyrate? Fist?

  3. Sue4466

    Constance Johnson. Hero.

    At the same time, the OK legislature defeated another amendment that would make men who father a child with a woman responsible for providing support to that child. Because you know, this is about controlling women's reproduction, not men's.

    1. Cicada

      Gohmert ia actually a prime example of the competing theory of devolution. A living, breathing member of Jockohomo sapiens. Members of the species can be identified by their small cranial size (aka "pinheadedness") and by their affinity for business suits and dancing the Poot.

      1. MittBorg

        " [...] dancing the Poot."

        I just call that "obfuscating the fart," like any guilty public farter would, but hey, maybe the next time someone accuses me of the stinkjob, I'll just claim to be dancing the Poot.

  4. MightySix

    So after Louis Gohmert rubs one out to, oh I dunno, Super Bowl halftime shows (Nicki Minaj is hawt!) he carefauly takes the sock over to his wife and says, "I got sumpin' fer ya"?

  5. actor212

    This was named the Only Natal Application of Nature, or ONAN amendment.

    o/~ Anything you can do, I can make fun of. I can make fun of anything you do… o/~

    1. Oblios_Cap

      You saw what Gawd did to Onan for mis-placing his seed, don't you?

      Or as they say in OK, firing up his Johnson.

      1. actor212

        Yes, I know the story well. I had it repeated to me ad nauseum the time my mom found my sock.

        Never made sense, tho. He was balling his dead bro's wife and pulled out to hose her down, but somehow, it was pulling his pud that got him in trouble.

        1. MittBorg

          It's because, under Hebrew law of the time, the dead man's brother was *required* to ball his dead bro's wife. I think (but no longer remember) the underlying idea was to keep the woman's "marriage portion," i.e., dowry, dower, etc., in the marital family rather than having to repay it to the widow. Had Onan planted his seed in the widow, she might have borne a child, thereby securing her assets, such as they might be, to her, i.e., HIS, posterity.

          ETA: Some Christians use this biblical example as an argument against birth control. It is not.

          1. MosesInvests

            Actually, the idea was to make sure your brother had an heir. The worst curse imaginable to my Bronze Age/Iron Age ancestors was to be childless.

          2. MittBorg

            Ah. Perhaps it's the tribes of the Punjab who instituted it as a way of keeping the woman's dowry in the marital family. Peasants and land, you know.

          3. MosesInvests

            AFAIK, the custom in the ancient Middle East was for the groom to pay bride-price to the bride's family.

  6. Serolf_Divad

    You know… these things start out as a joke, then before you know it Rick Santorum steps in to co-sponsor your bill and suddenly you're calling press conferences and furiously trying to explain yourself.

    1. SorosBot

      She joins the Virginia Senator who tried to add the anal probing for Viagra prescriptions provision to the stupid ultrasound for abortions law as my new heroes.

  7. sunmusing

    Soooo…..Is swallowing a load considered "cannibalism"? How does that dovetail into the "no fetus in foods?" thing. I'm sorry Wonkettes I'm re-adjusting the pain meds, and I'm angry.

  8. JustPixelz

    The important thing is how many jobs the Repubican personhood bill will create.

    Another lady parts law. Let's just call them "She-ria Laws".

    The one sperm who gets in the egg is a member of the 0.0000001%. The rest are middle class — like Mitt Romney, for example.

  9. edgydrifter

    Some deputy in OK will probably try to arrest God now for "gross negligence resulting in the non-creation of a fetus-person" the next time his seed fails to find purchase in the loins of his darling womping sow.

  10. jus_wonderin

    Gohmert! Fuck you. Cuz being gay is only about the sperm. Oh, the sperm. Sperm. Sperm. Sperm.

    Fuck you hard.

    1. MittBorg

      You mean there's non-spermin' GAY?

      I just want to grab this lousy little fuck by his dewlaps and slap him unconscious. These people have no idea how much damage they do every time they open their mouths, and some tardpug follower of theirs takes it into their head to enact all that hate on the next "gay-seeming" person they encounter. I don't know a single gay person (except maybe the uber-wealthy Mary Cheney) who doesn't have a story to tell of bullying and persecution and bashing.

  11. SorosBot

    "It’s interesting that there are some courts in America where the judges have become so wise in their own eyes that they know better than nature or nature’s God"

    Well of course they know better than nature's God; all humans know more than something that doesn't exist.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Like minds…

      Per Paine: "A thing which everybody is required to believe, requires that the proof and evidence of it should be equal to all, and universal." And, I guess, in a court of law, evidence trumps faith…

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Louie Gohmert thinks marriage is only for and about procreation? What about those poor curchgoing fools who get married just to have sex? Yes, it's true that they're horribly misled and should otherwise be fucking their brains out in a state of unmarried bliss, but he should at least give them some sort of recourse.

    And what the hell is this about him invoking nature? I've seen nature, Louie, and nature seems to tell males of every species to get it on with whatever happens to be nearby — statistically, this ends up causing a moderate amount of reproduction, but on the whole it's a random and messy process.

    Oh, and one more thing — fuck you and your "nature's God." Can't you have a goddamn conversation about sex without any of your goddamn fucking sanctimony — please?!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Can he have a conversation without talking about sex at all? Seems these guys are fucking obsessed. If my husband talked about gay sex this much I would absolutely think he was trying to tell me something.

    2. BarryOPotter

      Can't you have a goddamn conversation about sex without any of your goddamn fucking sanctimony — please?!

      What's with your raging hard-on for evidence, logic, and reason that forces you to always bow to the dialectic when big ole Louie Lou ain't doin' nuthin' but trying to save your damnable soul pre-santorum?

    3. Mumbletypeg

      what the hell is this about him invoking nature?

      This adversarial bumpkin would be better off handed the Bugs Bunny charm treatment as with the cartoon character's aboriginal sparring partner: "Nature, I didn't know ya cared!"

  13. mstreds

    She stole that idea from Elle Woods in Legally Blonde

    "For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment. "

  14. Limeylizzie

    This woman, and the one who proposed the reciprocal rectal exam for men in Virginia to make up for that ultrasound before abortion law ,should be made honorary Wonketteers and given 200 p points.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      This is one reason we didn't want to have women in government. They mock us and make light when we are trying to pass very very serious godly laws concerning ladies and weird lady parts. The men should be able to pass these laws in Quiet Rooms.

  15. coolhandnuke

    Most of my poor decisions resulted from thinking with my constant johnson. Most of Oklahoma's poor decisions come from living in Oklahoma.
    Thank you Constance Johnson, you are the one reason to visit Oklahoma.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate all of my fellow winners of the Glans-to-Egg Derby. Kicked all them other little tadpoles' asses, we did!!!

  17. chicken_thief

    Constance Johnson is blah and a woman. By Oklahoma conservatard standards she should just stfu and get back in the fields – those crops won't pick themselves, Little Miss Uppity and Think You're Clever and All!!!

  18. Franknflower

    So if said pregnant woman punches herself in the stomach repeately and something should happen to said mini person in the person, that's ok?

  19. orygoon

    “Combining it with something else”

    Mercifully, neither The Heir nor The Spare considered this particular science project back in their schooldays. Whew! Close one, that.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    Okay! We have a no blow jobs, no jerking off, no buttsecks, no money shots bill. Neat. After all the men I saw defending the Catholic Church yesterday, as bummed as this here idea in practice makes me, I kinda wanna see the looks on some faces. (but no sperm)

    1. actor212

      HOLY SHIT! I JUST REALIZED: NO BLOW JOBS!!!!!

      Is she INsaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane???????????????????????????? I mean, what if it actually passes??????

    1. vodkamuppet

      That depends on how you look at it. Sweet, sweet underground bootleg bukkake, awwwum yeah that's hot.

  21. SmutBoffin

    "…depositing semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina…" is a crime now? Peter North should be brought before the Hague at any time now.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Probably, initially. Eventually the VJJ will have a headache or just be to darn tired to have interest.

  22. Baconzgood

    I worked with a plumber and he said all you have to know about plumbing is sperm flows downhill.

  23. Spurning Beer

    Senate Bill 1433 states that an unborn child “at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.”

    John Q. Trimester has the right to bear arms, then. I think that's the only right Oklahoma guarantees its citizens.

  24. prommie

    Sperms is combining with poopies! The end of the world is nigh, soon the world will be full of these poop-spawned angry little Poop-Persons (commonly known by their Japanese name, Domo-Kun). Watch out, that one has a snake!

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    Jeez, I hope there's a grandfather clause on this; I'd have had gym socks in my teen years that could have been renamed Katyn Forest.

  26. CapnFatback

    Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically,

    So it would seem that Gohmert is an advocate of production for use? Socialist!

    I mean, the greatest reason to make sperm is "just cuz."

  27. emmelemm

    Johnson has since retracted her amendment, satisfied that she made her point that 1433 is odious.

    I'm not satisfied that the point is made! Reinstate the amendment, please.

  28. actor212

    Apparently [the judges] thought the sperm had far better use some other way biologically, combining it with something else.

    Louie, my boy, think of it as Liquid Plumbr for the colon….

  29. WhatTheHeck

    Oh for god’s sake. Think of all those hundreds of thousands of spermies laying around all dead like. While the ONE sperm got lucky with the home-coming queen egg.
    Will no one think of of the carnage. Oh, the humanity. I can’t take this anymore. There’s too much death in creating life. I’m putting my sperm under lock and key so I am no longer guilty of mass murder.

  30. owhatever

    And all of those sperms what don't hook up with a cool egg? Are they criminals? Some eggs think they are so much better than you. Try to buy them a drink, and they're like, "Go Away, Loser." The eggs all get prettier at closing time, but what can a sperm and egg do when they wake up and realize "OMG, we're going to be Ann Coulter!"

  31. weej_bain

    Does this mean the end to Fappy Daze?

    OT, Rushie is fapping wildly and flogging the establishment RINOs over Santorum's three-way yesterday. Seems Rush has "…profound respect and administration…” for the dittoheads that listen to his show. Who knew that Rush just loved managing his minions?

  32. MissTaken

    Can I charge rent as a sperm depository? I don't want people just making deposits and forgetting about it.

    1. SorosBot

      If fetuses have all the rights and responsibilities of persons, the uterus' owner really should be able to charge them rent; it's only fair.

    2. Flat_Earther

      There are laws against such rental arrangements except in certain parts of Nevada and believe that even in those excepted areas artificial barriers are required that prevent the deposit from entering the vault.

  33. elviouslyqueer

    Liz, darling, I would like the approximately 5 seconds of my life back that I just spent reading the Jezebel commenters discussion of the linguistic nuances of "creampie." Ye fucking gods.

  34. chascates

    Quoteth Wikipedia:
    However, when Onan had sex with Tamar, he disregarded this principle when he withdrew before climax[3] and "spilled his seed (or semen) on the ground", since any child born would not legally be considered his heir.[4] This he did several times,[5] disregarding the principle of a Levirate union, and was accordingly sentenced to death by Yahweh for this wickedness. (Genesis 38:8-10) This biblical story does not refer to masturbation, but to coitus interruptus.[6][7][8][9][10] The Bible does not claim that masturbation would be sinful.[11][12]

    1. MosesInvests

      And the sin was not coitus interruptus per se, but rather refusing to provide an heir for his brother.

    2. ttommyunger

      Daddy-in-Law porked her later on the side of a dirt road, for moneez. He was Judah and an ancestor of Jesus, BTW. Good read.

  35. Radiotherapy

    Like Tokyo, Hiroshima and Nagasaki:
    ♫ ♬ I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese
    I really think so. ♫ ♬

  36. real_dc_native

    I can never go to OK if this became law. I've murdered more sperm cells that Romney has corporations. Swimmers are people too my friend.

  37. Wonderthing

    I once wrote a one act play called "Skunk Loves Baba" in which two people were imprisoned for talking about having a baby and then chosing not to have one. We get closer to that every day. Time to dust it off maybe and send it out again.

  38. Redhead

    "i.e. a zygote should have all the rights of an actual born human, like being allowed to get married to a person of the same sex in the state of California, ahahhaa."

    Hmmm. So if this were to become law and I found myself accidentally pregnant, all I'd have to do is get married to the son/go to California and gay marry the daughter, have an attorney declare me next of kin and then tell the doctor to make the difficult decision to withdraw life support (ie, my own damn body) from the fetus.

  39. Extemporanus

    Well hell…I was finally going to deposit a cumment, but at this point, it appears that a mop might be much more appreciated.

    Sooo messy!

  40. EBGrey

    So, lemme get this straight. Under the proposed Bill, a fertilized egg is a life that is sacred and must be protected. However, it is totally OK for a woman to consciously cause indirect harm to this sacred life while it is residing within her. Got it.

  41. widestanceshakedown

    Is Gohmert doing vodka tampons at work again?

    Listen, you people can pass judgment on my sperm when you lick it from my cold sticky hand.

  42. mrblifil

    I've been working all day to try to develop corroboration for the Senator's efforts. All in the name of science. Or politics. Or political science. Or porn. Or something. Mmm…porn.

  43. KeepFnThatChicken

    Tonight, I am going to commit an action against an unborn child… if by "commit an action against an unborn child," you mean "masturbate furiously".

  44. Nesnora

    I can't wait for tonight when my boyfriend and I commit genocide all over our filthy, anti-creation sheets.

  45. Steverino247

    Change to the lyrics for tonight's performance:

    You're doing WHAT, Oklahoma?
    Oklahoma, no way!

  46. Flat_Earther

    Is it some form of premeditated homicide to turn on some porn with the intention of, well you know…

  47. horsedreamer_1

    Considering OK is the Sooner State, I think this bill may prove in violation of the equal protection clause, as it adversely impacts premature ejaculators.

    1. freddymcmurray

      You joke, but the Catholic hospital in my town won't let the urologists on staff perform vasectomies. You have to schedule the procedure at the hospital at the other end of town. Even though the urologists office is in the Catholic hospital.

  48. freddymcmurray

    I can't wait until this passes. Then Mexicans will only need to jump the border to do the nasty… et voila… American citizen!

  49. MittBorg

    (Hugs the dood) I think we're all in the same boat here. If not for each other, we would all have probably gone stark raving mad quite a while ago and run (or hobbled or crawled) screaming down the street. I hope you've managed to cut down on the pain meds — after a certain point they're actually worse than useless and start pain feedback loops that make you crazy. It's tough getting off them, but when you get stuck in a pain cycle you can't get out of, you know it's time. I got neurontin for the bizarre nerve pains that started after being on the percocet for a long time, but nobody tells you that the off-label use can leave you with damage to your tendons, especially your carpal tendons.

    Old age sucks, my friend. I wish I could hand you a big spliff, I'm sure that would make you feel a ton better. We have to struggle on. I finish physical therapy in a week, and then I'm on my own. Some days the pain doesn't let me sleep, so I know what you're going through. You can always talk to me. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

    1. sunmusing

      You have helped a great deal already, thanks. I'm pretty much over the worst of it…… as my mind drifts towards Barb, whom I believe has a wonderful sense of humor, and I think she is one of the “Warriors” of the web, against injustice, and intolerance. I follow several who are that way as well, good inspiration for me.

  50. gurukalehuru

    Why does it always have to be pro-creation. Does Louie the lip have something against amateur creation?

    re the main point of the article: One should be careful with sarcasm, as their might be many people in Oklahoma who don't get it. Particularly in the Oklahoma State Senate.

  51. LisbethBlue

    I second the OK amendment — catch them sperm in a plastic sock, store ‘em in the frig' and keep em’ forever…And, Guys you can’t release anymore until these are used up. Or, move to Virginia and use them for target practice….

Comments are closed.