Which Of These Magnificent CPAC Events Should We Attend?

Only one more day until CPAC, and the Revolution! Your Wonkette is pissing its pants just looking at the bill of events and all the exciting opportunities to learn about how dumb liberals are. Why does the bathroom have to be so far away, anyway? Nevermind. Let's just figure out which of these panel thingies/cocktail sex parties to visit.

Check out the full schedule here. These are some things that caught our eye:

• "How to Raise Money…the Easy Way." A whoring seminar!

• "'Do We Still Hold These Truths?': The Future of the Conservative Movement." This is a pillow fight, maybe?

• "From Fidel to Chavez: How Do We Stop the Resurgence of Socialism in Latin America." With bombs, duh. This will be short.

• "Conservative Dating." Let's just copy-paste the description of this sucker, which is open to "Conservative Singles."

  TheTeaParty.net Red Carpet Event. Learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation, to whether Tea Partiers and Occupiers can share something more than a dislike for bailouts.

  Speaker Name: Professional Dating Coach Wayne Elis

  Everyone's getting laid!

• "Political Correctness & The Wussification of America - Brad Stine, Conservative Comedian." Sometimes we all need a laugh.

• "American Crossroads Blogger Reception." CHECK.

• "When’s The Last Time Your Database Had a Colonoscopy?" Gross.

• "Why Am I Living in My Parent's Basement? How the Obama Administration's Policies Are Detrimental to Young People." PSST: Mom, can you give me a ride to this one??

Now all we have to do is buy the mandatory tuxedo.

[ CPAC , Funny furry photo from our 2010 report ]