Poisonous creature of the deep Bill O’Reilly did a segment on his show Tuesday about One Million Moms’ boycott of Ellen DeGeneres’ spokesperson deal with JC Penney. Strangely, the segment was, for the most optimistic among us, some evidence that world peace will happen before the world ends (which is this year). Ellen recently signed on with JC Penney, which is doing this weird American flag-y logo happy makeover thing in an effort to get people to remember it exists and stop buying so many pairs of rhinestone-encrusted Forever 21 leggings made by Korean infants. One Million Moms are not psyched, and Bill O’Reilly is touchingly not psyched that they’re not psyched!

One Million Moms, an offshoot of the American Family Association, which is an unofficial Rick Santorum fan club, is calling for JC Penney to drop Ellen, because she isn’t “traditional.” Said OMM, which is not the right kind of acronym for this organization at all, “DeGeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store. The majority of JC Penney shoppers will be offended and choose to no longer shop there.” This, as a generalization based on invented data, is incredible.

Anyway, whatever, “one million” moms isn’t that many moms. JC Penney has stood by Ellen, anyway, which Ellen announced on her show, throwing in some jokes about affordable socks in the process. O’Reilly, meanwhile, attempted to invite one millionth of one million moms onto his show, but was unable to, because there are actually probably 238 moms in this group and they were all busy doing Traditional Things like making Hamburger Helper in their Rachel Ray-branded nonstick skillets and watching Real Housewives of Everywhere. So Bill got Fox freelancer Sandy Rios on the show and this squirrel actually found herself on the opposite side of Bill O’Reilly.

First off, O’Reilly’s little headline in the area next to his head was “Controversial Spokeswoman?” OK, spokesperson would have been better, but hey, at least it didn’t say “spokeslesbian,” and THERE WAS A QUESTION MARK. Eyebrows of many watching eyes raised up in hope and curiosity, while some “traditional” viewers just died on the spot. The deceased bigots missed these words from O’Reilly:

…the million moms say, hey, because we feel a certain way about Ms. DeGeneres’ lifestyle, you need to fire her. I don’t think that’s the spirit of America, Sandy, I gotta tell ya.

When Rios blithered on about how spokespeople are chosen because they “stand for” things, and that Ellen doesn’t “stand for” Christianity whatever whatever, O’Reilly responded:

This is where we run into a problem, because if you remember with the McCarthy era in the ’50s and they were trying to hunt down Communists and symphathizers and not let them work and put them on a blacklist…what is the difference between a McCarthy-era Communist blacklist in the ’50s and the million moms saying hey, JC Penney and all you other stores, don’t you hire gay people, don’t you dare. What is the difference?

Rios’ response is that Ellen is “acting out” her lesbian lifestyle by marrying her partner. Acting out! Get in the corner and put a dunce cap on, Ellen. She added:

We are seeing homosexuality so embedded in our culture in alarming ways, and that’s the part of the story that we’re not allowed to tell.

Rios then says something about how One Million Moms should be allowed to “voice their opinion” WHICH FYI IS NOT THE SAME THING AS TELLING A COMPANY TO FIRE A SPOKESPERSON.

Bill O’Reilly’s final message to the moms:

This JC Penney thing is a witch hunt, and it shouldn’t happen.

What is happening????? Is anything anger-inducing going to happen this week at all??????? [ThinkProgress/Reuters]

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  • nounverb911

    I'm confused again. Orally is on who's side?

  • nounverb911

    Sandy Rios is just jealous because Ellen is getting "more sex" than she is.

    • Callyson

      Rios sure looks like the walking definition of "closet case" to me.

      • chicken_thief

        She sorta of looks like Kim Cattrall's stoned little sister. I'd do her…

        • Yeah. Stoned. Like "What the fuck" stoned. Like, debating on backing out of doing the segment as she's sitting in some greenroom, stoned. Waaaaaasted. She looks like her next trick will either be a public nap, or an epic overshare.

    • SorosBot

      And with Portia de Rossi – yum. I'm jealous.

    • Not_So_Much

      Maybe. But I'll bet Ms. Rios is getting way more hate sex.

    • bflrtsplk

      Not just more sex; better sex.

    • Crank_Tango

      Scissor Libel!

    • Biff

      Wait a minute, there. Can it even be considered "sex" unless there's one penis involved, somehow? Shouldn't that be all the menfolk care about, anyway, I mean, their/my own penis?

    • PuckStopsHere

      All she has to do is put her pipe down and get Bill's pipe up. Can't she read?

    • Negropolis

      More and mo' better. Portia de Rossi FTW.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wait, O'Reilly is a spokeslesbian?

    • nounverb911

      Needs more upfists.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That's why they use the question mark. Is he a spokeslesbian or is he not? Who can tell?

      • LesBontemps

        He's a spokeslesbian trapped in a spokesman's body?

    • memzilla

      He's at least a Loofahtarian.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Aren't we all in one way or another?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I'm not, but I enjoy watching films about spokeslesbians when they show them on Cinemax.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Good point. In fact, I watch several documentaries about spokeslesbians a week.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            links please?

  • FNMA

    Easy, O'Reilly digs lesbians.

    • nounverb911

      Then how come he never goes on Rachel's show?

      • FNMA

        Watching them on Redtube and being interrogated by them are two very different things. Or so I'm told…

    • chicken_thief

      Needs moar film at 11.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Of course, that's how it is with a lot of these Traditional Marriage pigs. They always whine about the proverbial "two gay guys kissing and/or fucking," but lesbians are hotter than the sun.

    • He's always felt he was a lesbian in a male body. You go sister!

    • JimNauseam

      Of course. If it's two men it's an abomination, but if it's two women it's a rental.

    • Geminisunmars

      He has good relations with The Lesbians.

      • And you would know this how? Hmmm?

  • Lucidamente1

    Bill-O was probably fantasizing about lesbians and loofahs, so he wasn't going to take any shit from a million moms.

    • MissTaken

      Bill-O likes to do his falafel live.

      • nounverb911

        How does the falafel feel about that?

        • bagofmice

          I don't know first hand but I assume it's a penetrating insight.

    • elburritodeluxe

      He'd love to know what Ellen and her friends can do with a loofah!

  • there isn't enough denim in the world for the One Million Moms March.

    • memzilla

      If that amount of Spanx™ were laid end-to-end around the equator, the poles would be squeezed 10 miles higher.

      • bagofmice

        You know that our rotational velocity actually causes an equatorial bulge? Damn dizzy earthlings.

      • If those wearing that Spanx™ were laid end-to-end around the equator, you wouldn't be seeing any of this ridiculous gay-hating blatheramskate that they're yawping on about.

    • SorosBot

      This year, they're all wearing the Forever Lazy.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Is that the one where you insert a catheter and get a colostomy so you don't have to get up off the couch quite so often?

        • "Ah haWarsh mahself wyith ah wrragh on a steeick" ~Fat Lisa Simpson

    • cheetojeebus

      oh yeah, mom jeans…..Mmmufpt … I just jizzed my pants.

  • UnholyMoses

    O'Reilly is on the side of … of … SANITY?


    **crumples into fetal position**

    • emmelemm

      I know, right?

      • SorosBot

        What's next, Glenn Beck telling off some crazed right-wing conspiracy theory nut?

        • PsycWench

          Anyone checked the temperature in hell lately?

          • Biely should be here soon, we'll ask him.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Stopped Clock principle. He was bound to say SOMETHING sane eventually.

  • chicken_thief

    Rios? What, they couldn't find a traditional Amerikun to promote traditional Amerikuns here in Amerika?!

    • Like Geraldo Rivera?

    • Sandy Rios is her porn name.

      Her real name is Erotica Gallumbits

      • Wait, wasn't that a triple-breasted whore in …

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      I believe you mean 'Amerikunt'

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Type of families" means "Space lizards who hate humans and drink santorum."

  • larryfinexx

    JC Penny is the cutting edge of fashion. All the homos shop there.

    • LesBontemps

      Have you actually seen lesbian fashion?

      • OC_Surf_Serf

        Yep, around here it's the Boy's department at Target.

        • kissawookiee

          This is incredibly insensitive. Do you know how hard it is to fit shoulders forged from hefting Suburu engine blocks into boy-sized shirts?

          • bagofmice

            Some girls like it rough.

        • DeeJayKitteh

          I must be one of those elitist lesbians. It's the boy's department at Macy's for me.

          • I was just thinking, all the lezzies *I* know either shop at Macy's boys' dept. or J Crew and stuff.

          • horsedreamer_1

            You know who else shops at J. Crew?

        • BigDumbRedDog

          Hey! I resemble that remark!

      • BornInATrailer

        Yeah, we aren't talking dudes. I bet Sears execs are going "OMG, Ellen as spokesperson for our clothing. WHY DIDN"T WE THINK OF THIS FIRST?"

    • What? No fucking way.

      Cross Dress for Less. I thought EVERYbody knew that.

  • proudgrampa

    Gotta hand it to Bill. Every once in a while he sees the world the way it really is. My hat (if I really had one) is off to him!

    • HuddledMass

      That's what I hate about O'Reilly – these occasional spasms of rationality.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      even a stopped cock. er, clock is right, er, correct twice a day

  • orygoon

    My guess, for the reading comprehension part of this exam, is that this just goes to show that more people should think about all the people who need affordable socks.

  • Callyson

    From Rios' reply: "children should not be exposed to propaganda"
    Yeah, we should spare kids from a daily (hourly, actually) onslaught of manipulative advertising that is designed to make them feel bad about themselves, and think the answer is to spend their money on crap they don't need.
    That's what you meant, right?

    • comrad_darkness

      I can agree that we shouldn't subject them to god propaganda every sunday.

    • PsycWench

      From Rios' reply: "children should not be exposed to propaganda"

      So by logical extension, there should be a ban on letting children watch Fox News.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe she's against home schooling?

  • HempDogbane

    Does JC Penney sell loofah/falafel/santorum or whatever it is that O'Reilly uses to practice his love?

  • littlebigdaddy

    What does one-L say about this?

    • DaRooster


    • HistoriCat

      "Aaaagh!" (thump thump thump) SLAM! (sobbing)

    • GOPCrusher

      "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" * fleeing in terror *

  • ChernobylSoup

    OMM should go after Sasha and Malia. You know, for being black.

  • Goonemeritus

    By comparing the boycott of Ellen to McCarthyism are we sure Bill O’Reilly wasn’t signal support for the action. After all most Fox viewers feel McCarthyism represents a golden era of right headed government.

  • elburritodeluxe

    You're assuming he meant this as a criticism of McCarthyism?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    The one million moms want a spokesperson just like them. Fat, bitchy, stupid and in a hurry because they left their three horrible spawn in the parking lot trapped in an old minivan. How dare penneys hire someone who is beautiful, smart, stylish and beloved by millions of people all over the world.
    Also, Portia is hot.

    • SorosBot

      Ellen proves that rich lesbians can get extremely, hot significantly younger women just like rich men can.

      • BigDumbRedDog

        Ellen has always been a hero of mine, as I also have short blonde hair, blue eyes and a penchant for comfortable shoes and hot younger women. I mean, if she can land Portia then there must be hope for me, right? I forgot to add incredibly wealthy into the equation, however. Thanks for ruining my day SB.

        • SorosBot

          I'm sorry! But you do also have the funny, like Ellen; that should help with the hot young girls.

          • BigDumbRedDog

            Thanks! Ellen and I are practically twins. In fact, from now on, whenever we talk I want you to imagine a younger, hotter, funnier but less rich version of Ellen. Also, please don't imagine me dancing because I am a really bad dancer.

          • Geminisunmars

            Also, please don't imagine me dancing because I am a really bad dancer.

            See, you are more like her than you realized.

          • HistoriCat

            Really? Does that "funny" thing work for anyone regardless of who they want to schtup?

        • Limeylizzie

          I'm hot, but not all that young, can i play?

          • BigDumbRedDog

            The more the merrier since I am apparently not saving myself for Portia anymore.

    • You forgot "going insane from being so horny because their husbands have either dumped them for not-so-fat-or-bitchy wim/menz or have stopped fucking them because they are so godawful obnoxious." I wonder what makes some women so nasty and evil, because most of the wimminz I know are really nice people. And then there's my Mom, and these bitchez. My Mom would LOVE these cunts, but fortunately, the bitch is dead and burned to dust. Christ, these cunts make me sick.

      It's not like Ellen is hurting a single one of them, but they want to hurt HER and anyone else like her.

  • Baconzgood

    "DeGeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store."

    Because every one knows that gay women either shop at the porn store, on Bravo's web site, or Dykes R Us.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I thought the Dykes shop at military surplus stores since their butts look like two poster children fighting under a parachute.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Who are you and what have you done with Bill?

  • RedneckMuslin

    Jebus, take me now! O"Reilly made sense and the countdown to the end of the world has started.

  • If you give a million monkeys typewriters, eventually they'll write Shakespeare. In contrast, if you give One Million Moms internet access, they'll eventually type crazed homophobic rants calling for a boycott of J C Penney for hiring Ellen DeGeneres as their spokeslesbian.

    Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families.

    Ellen is funny. Penney's is funny. Hiring Ellen is funny. So make with the laughing moms.

    The mission of all these moms is to "stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children". That certainly explains why they're all jammed up about Penney's. WAIT. Penney's is a store, not a profanity throwing media company. These moms are confused.

    They also calling on their one million(!?) members to thank the Susan G.. Komen Foundation for cutting off Planned Parenthood funding. I guess Planned Parenthood is a media company too.

    While OMM agrees that Komen should have never partnered with Planned Parenthood in the first place, it is important that we back them in their current decision

    Um, you're welcome?

    • CapnFatback

      "stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children"

      When I was young, I failed to duck quickly enough, and a hurled "crap" caught me just above the right eye. I still have the scar to prove it.

    • UnholyMoses

      "The mission of all these moms is to "stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children.'"

      And what better way to do so than by calling for boycotts and/or the firing of spokespeople?!

      Much better than, ya know, acting like parents and having a say (as much as possible, at least) in what their kids see, hear, or read in an effort to filter out as much "objectionable" content as possible. Because that requires … well, effort.

      Just bitching and whining is much easier …

      • PsycWench

        Or even, when your children get a little older, talking to them about reality vs. the messages they get. Because they will always live with you and they will never figure out how to override the parental control setting.

        • Here's an amusing stat: MOST parents do NOT use the parental controls that come with their electronic gizmos — either because they're not technically apt enough or because they really don't care that much, or because they'd rather piss and moan than do the incredibly difficult and absorbing task of actually parenting their child.

          • bagofmice

            As someone who grew up programming the VCR, and then the computer, and then datacenters, olds have this notion that they can't control the machines, but they can control their children. It's a perverse form of solace, a conceit of culture. A will to squishy power.

          • As an Old who has worked in the tech industry for decades, I have the greatest difficulty controlling myself when I hear from whiny parents/grandparents my age. Doods, if you're relying on your fucking KIDZ to make your machines work, you can't tell them what to do with those machines! They'll run circles round ya! Dumbasses.

            My partner lets her kids have full access, even though she's a techie. She figures if she tries to prevent their access they'll probably figure out something to circumvent it and she has better things to do than play Big Brother to a couple of teenagers who are going out into the real world in a few years anyway. Oddly enough, the kids tell her pretty much everything. Who'd'a thunk?

    • They're a bunch of rabid cunts, and they're rabid because they're mean and hateful, and nobody wants to love/hug/fuck a mean hateful person. So they're not getting any slap and tickle. And for that, they blame everyone but themselves.

    • GOPCrusher

      JC Penney's customer base is anyone with money.

  • coolhandnuke

    I will do anything for love but I won't do OMM…not even one of 'em for 10 grand Alex.

  • SoBeach

    "We are seeing homosexuality so embedded in our culture in alarming ways, and that’s the part of the story that we’re not allowed to tell."

    Not allowed to tell your side? Hooookay.

    What she's really saying is not enough people seem to want to hear the same old hateful shit we've all been hearing our entire lives.

    • PsycWench

      It seems to me that the anti-gay side never shuts up.

  • Bill-o must be negotiating for a gig at MSNBC

  • Even a broken clock is correct twice a day.

  • Oh really?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Maybe he owns a lot of JCPennys stock.

    • More likely he's just got no idea where the fuck else he's going to buy his shoes.

  • edgydrifter

    Shorter Million Moms: "Ellen wasn't bullied enough to cure her of her sinful urges."

  • GeorgiaBurning

    O'Reilly is having trouble with the new prescription. Don't worry, they'll fix his meds quickly.

  • elviouslyqueer

    This makes me almost miss the homo-hating, falafel-fucking, let's-all-pretend-not-to-see-the-enormous-strap-on-I'm-hiding-underneath-my-anchor-desk Bill O'Reilly. Whatever next? Glenn Beck embracing a small child while his lifetime partner is prominently featured beaming the background?

    • proudgrampa

      Well done! I think you're on to something…

    • That "psychologist" is so weird. Where did we see him recently, saying things that no one should ever even think?… I seriously don't remember nor care, or I would've linked.

    • Troglodeity

      How about: Glenn Beck objecting to another broadcaster's crude anti-gay jokes. I never thought I'd see that happen. First Beck and now O'Reilly …

  • Baconzgood

    Bill-O actually made sense? Or does he need J.C. Penny's pennies as a sponser? You make the call Wonkers.

  • fuflans

    tide goes in, tide goes out. who can explain it?

    • OMMs go in, OMMs go out, they still buy shit at JCP in a vain attempt to fill the emptiness in their dumb and soulless existences, so they should STFU.

  • Indiepalin

    No wonder Penney's is on the brink of bankruptcy. Whoever chose Ellen Degenerates as a spokesmodel typifies their corporate cluelessness. Expecially when the family friendly appealing hetero actress Patricia Heaton is gathering dust in TV Land.

    • Isn't that the stupid cunt who opened her ignorant yawp in the Terri Schiaivo affair? I hope she gathers something much heavier than dust. A few boulders might improve her mental function.

  • Schmannnity

    One Million Moms to Ellen: You just wait until your father gets home!

  • Wignuts prolly think OMM stands for "One Million Milfs," and that it's headed by Sarah Palin. (How's that for a boner killer?)

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      That's boner carpet-bombing.

  • edgydrifter

    It's interesting that in 2012 a public figure displaying a bare modicum of human decency is seen as extraordinary by some and obscenely villainous by others. We suck.

  • LOL: "…world peace will happen before the world ends (which is this year). "

  • Joshua Norton

    They all shop at Walmart anyway. They have the cheapest granny panties and mom jeans.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Gee, I guess I'm going to have to start watching his show now.


  • Schmannnity

    Avis: Bring back OJ

  • paris biltong

    Funny, Bill O’Reilly doesn't look gay.

  • neiltheblaze

    Bill O'Reilly defending a gay woman while women belittle her.

    (I need to go smoke a doobie and clear my head.)

  • arihaya

    Bill O gesture remind me of that villain in Austin Powers…

    SHARK with frikkin lasser !!!

  • BarackMyWorld

    O'Reilly has a clause in his contract that allows him to say something that makes sense at least once, but no more than three times, each calendar year.

    • MissTaken

      And this was the first time he exercised that clause.

      • Look at that podgeball! It's probly the first time he exercised *any*thing!

  • Mahousu

    Sorry, everyone. Somebody forget to give Bill his pill this morning. Don't worry; it won't happen again.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      "Dash it all, we'll do it sane!"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Let's see OMM start saying nasty things about the military now, shall we? Acknowledging that other human beings are our equals is the new normal, ladies — get used to it.

  • fuflans

    Is anything anger-inducing going to happen this week at all???????

    well, i suppose we could cover the news from Homs?

    • In other GOOD news, Anonymous hacked Assad's acct. — pwd was 12345.

      If you haven't changed YOUR pwds in a while? Now would be a good time.

  • Before anyone decides to get too lovey-dovey with Falafel Bill…

    O'Reilly: "Bigotry Against Pro-Life People Is I Think Way More Than The Bigotry Against Gay People"

    That was Feb. 6.

  • So it's Penny's Plain Pockets Bill O?

  • jus_wonderin

    Wow, Bill, I can't believe what I just watched? He's on Ellen's side????

  • Poisonous creature of the deep Bill O'Reilly

    Now that I've recovered from reading your hilarious post (Liz, you have a new fan) I'm thinking this talkie-host person, in his moment of salient reason-processing, resembles more the heroine of that bizarre folktale where the girl has either a toad or a jewel spilling out of her mouth as a test of her virtue. Bill! — it's so nice to get a shiny fun trinket from you instead of a slimy fleshy crumpet-for-thought.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    O'Reilly is just worried that people will launch a boycott after he signs his contract to be the spokesperson for the "American United Loofah and Falafel Association."

  • Sounds like a slippery slope argument, needs moar Santorum.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Ellen may be an abomination before Dog, but the thought of two ladies who lunch upon one another is the the ultimate straight male fantasy, so this will be OK. Switch out Ellen for a gay man in this equation, and we'd see classic BO'R positively foaming at the mouth.

    Not impressed.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      We'll just have to wait and see how he responds when Ru Paul is hired for The Softer Side of Sears

  • The rebranding effort also includes renaming it to "JC Pussy".

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I've always dreamed of being able to post this line:
      "All right, pussy, pussy, pussy! Come on in pussy lovers! Here at the Titty Twister we're slashing pussy in half! Give us an offer on our vast selection of pussy, this is a pussy blow out! All right, we got white pussy, black pussy, Spanish pussy, yellow pussy, we got hot pussy, cold pussy, we got wet pussy, we got smelly pussy, we got hairy pussy, bloody pussy, we got snappin' pussy, we got silk pussy, velvet pussy, Naugahyde pussy, we even got horse pussy, dog pussy, chicken pussy! Come on, you want pussy, come on in, pussy lovers! If we don't got it, you don't want it! Come on in, pussy lovers!"
      Thanks Sharkey.

      • GOPCrusher

        A Dusk To Dawn reference. +10 internets to you!

  • fuflans

    you know tamora, medea and lady macbeth were also mothers.

    • Hey, so were some of our fucking Moms. Lady Macbeth didn't hold a candle to mine. So to speak. (Out, out!)

      I hope to deity that finally, this year, we crush this Momism bullshit. Just because somebody forgot to use birth control and popped a live human out their pussy doesn't make them the slightest bit better than the most degenerate cocksucking pill-popper. Anybody can pop out something. Parenting it is the true test of humanity.

      • sunmusing


    • Swampgas_Man

      Actually, I think Lady MacBeth was childless. Substitute Courtney Love.

      • fuflans

        well not to be too much of a shakespeare geek but yes she IS childless at the time of the play. however she also says 'i have given suck and know how tender tis to love the babe that milks me'.

        when i did the part a couple years back, we made the choice that she and maccers lost a child (hence part of his later obsession with banquo). there are of course many other interpretations.

        ok enough of that. back to snark:

        there is no substitute for courtney love.

  • chicken_thief

    With the blah Michelle horning in on Lands End and the gehs infiltrating JC Penneys, the OMMs will be left with nothing but Lane Bryant.

    • No more fitting (so to speak) retort could possibly made. (crowns the chicken_thief)

  • widestanceshakedown

    Tee hee. I consider myself an honorary lesbian because I really do drive a Forester.

    • Geminisunmars

      Me too. And all that youthful experimentation I did, which I'm no longer qualified to do, having finished that youthful phase long long ago. Sigh.

      • Tsk! You're a hasbian!

        • Geminisunmars

          More like a wasbian.

          • Better than being a wannabe, darlz. Remember when dyke chic was the in thing and all the straight girls were getting multiple ear piercings and wearing those little ear cuffs and "fag tags" and acting butch-er than the diesel dykes who jump-start their vibrators?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I didn't realize that JC Penney's was still in existence.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Yer Mom. A million times.

  • I know why they didn't come on [the show]. Because they are moms.

    What a great excuse for everything–"I'm a Mom."

    • Sounds a lot better than "I'm a lazy stupid cunt who can't be bothered to haul my fat ass out the door for something I believe in," doesn't it?

      • HistoriCat

        Someone's feeling extra angry today. Come here – you need a hug!

        • I do. (Hugs HistoriCat) I'm in pain and I don't want to take my meds. Did you know that hugs really do help? They cause the brain to release opiate-like substances which lower pain levels.

          OK. I'm all better now. Thanks, HC. You're a real pal.

          • I would give you a hug but I'm a mom.

          • You're probably an ACTUAL PARENT to your child, though, which makes it OK. (Hugs the smokefilledroommate)

            Hey, some of my best friends have kids, and most of them agree with me about the Momism rife today. Biological reproduction does not a parent make, or we wouldn't have nightmares like Nixzmary Brown to haunt us.

          • I don't have any kids, I was just going with the joke.. I can tell you I'm an excellent mom to my three furchildren, though! ((((hugs))))

          • Oh. OK. (Looks around confused)

            (dives in for more hugs)

          • Shelby says woof! Lila and Jake say meow!

          • They should see my four rescue fatasses who are *snoring* in my bed (when they're not making it impossible for me and my sweetie to get it on by insisting on sleeping *between* us). La Casa de Los (Rescued) Gatos y Perros says Hola!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's snatch and any other snatch in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by, lesbians, lesbian patronship."

    • HistoriCat

      Can I get some motherfuckin' pussy over here?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Laughing now.

      • You *are* a motherfuckin' pussy, dood.

        I think you want iced tea.

  • bureaucrap

    They should fire ellen, as OMM wants, and replace her with Neil Patrick Harris — because he was Doogie Hauser, MD, and now plays a hetero lothario. Aside from which, all the little old ladies love him.

  • Troglodeity

    No snark or attempted humor here. We still have a long way to go, but if there is one area in which our country seems to have made progress in the past 10-20 years, it is our treatment of gay and lesbian Americans.

    • And as I look at the evidence of hate crimes everywhere and the beating and bullying and the suicides in my community, I weep to think that *this* is an improvement.

  • Radiotherapy

    Really, this just proves Bilbo is a motherfucker.

  • Terry

    I swear that I heard a few years back that the owner or primary stockholder of Penney's was a big old fundy who gave lots of money to anti-choice groups. Am I confusing my fundies?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Sure you're not thinking of Target?

      • Terry

        No, the Target guy is a big old libertarian. Not a religious nut.

  • MadBrahms

    Just because he's arguing for tolerance (for once) doesn't mean his comparison makes any damn sense, which, as usual, it doesn't. Still, good on you, Bill-o.

  • DaRooster

    Bill… you feel OK?

  • Sue4466

    "We are seeing homosexuality so embedded in our culture in alarming ways, and that’s the part of the story that we’re not allowed to tell."

    Only stunning stupidity, complete cynicism, or a total lack of self-awareness would cause someone to claim on one of the top-rated shows on the teevee that there's been an inability speak out against the gay in America.

  • mavenmaven

    Sandy Rios will really lose it when Barbie comes out of the closet.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children"

    Sooo, how did the boycott of Jersey Shore work out…your stand against the Kardshians…Madonna of Metal Tits…and fuck…Ice Road Truckers. What? You didn't stand against these things? Why not?

  • mookwrthwilson

    OMG I hate agreeing even 1% with Billdildo.

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Said OMM, which is not the right kind of acronym for this organization at all.."

    Agreed. It they called their group "Million & One Moms" their acronym would be "MOMs."

    Instead they got the hari krisna-chant sounding thingie…

  • MozakiBlocks

    Eh, he's still an asshole. But I will enjoy the momentary cognitive dissonance that this produces.

  • HarryButtle

    Much as I hate the evil conservatard Moms, Bill's WRONG on this. He's trying to use this as an analogy to the Komen/Planned Parenthood flap.

    Consumers (donors) are absolutely free to exercise their opinions with their pocketbooks. There's nothing un-American about that. If this harpy wants to boycott JCP, that's entirely up to her. McCarthy, on the other hand, was acting in the capacity of an elected government official, not an individual citizen.

  • DaRooster

    Man, them OMM bitches just fucking hate everyone… their first four items are "yell at so and so… email Macy's… call whosey whats…"

    Fuck… let it go you uptight twats. Mind your own beeswax!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Bull O'Really? said something that actually makes sense?

    "This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions…Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff!"

    "Fire and brimstone coming down from the sky! Rivers and seas boiling!"

    "Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes!"

    "The dead rising from the grave!"

    "Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria!"

    Or, it could be bigger than that…

  • Toomush_Infer

    Hold on – this is either/both:

    1) Billo is setting up this feint for his big attack on the Obamacare provision forcing Catholic schools and hospitals to have insurance that pays for birth control, or;

    2) He owns huge shares of stock in JC Penney…

  • prommie

    "Dogs and cats, sleeping together." You know what this means, right? Someone, somewhere, has crossed the streams.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Billy is just pissed that Ellen has a bigger dick.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I held on until he asked his first rhetorical question. Couldn't go on.

    Christians can be so fucking picky about their morals. They bitch about liquor, but they're in the liquor stores. They want rest on the sabbath, but love eating out after church. Tobacco is bad "because your body is a temple," but they love dividends from tobacco companies. Pro-life in the womb, pro-death when defending oil reserves. Humility is treasured and pride is a sin, but how many goddamn Christian channels are on my Dish package?!


  • “DeGeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store."

    For one thing, she can see her toes without a mirror.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    compare the phrase: Well, Ron Paul is correct about….

  • Limeylizzie

    Full disclosure, I own a set of Rachel Ray cookware but it's because they were the same orange as my kitchen and I couldn't find any others that matched, I have never watched the show. Carry on.

    • fuflans

      i have a rachel ray oven mitt that i got at a theatre fund raiser.

      it is red with little shiny plastic things all over to prevent slippage and we kinda love it more than all the fancy williams sonoma ones my mom gave us.

      • Limeylizzie

        My Rachel Ray pans are so fucking good, as are the the casserole dishes.

        • Bought my wife all those pans (also that special oval one that you can throw even cat turds in and they'll still turn out yummo). She loves them, I love her & her cooking, ergo, I love Rachel Ray*.

          *As long as I don't ever have to watch her show ever.

  • I watched that, "Rachel Ray vs. Food" show and it was terrible. She does everything the wrong way. I don't think she even knows how to cook. She just puts a bunch of stuff in a pan and stirs it up a little and hides it in the oven and pulls out something that somebody else put in there before the show.

    • jus_wonderin

      Dang you and your spoilers. I always thought "Damn, that oven cooks fuckin' fast."

      • proudgrampa

        I never could figure out why my "prep and cooking" times were always longer…

    • You're correct, which means that YOU actually know how to cook, Derrick. Which kind of surprises me, since I thought you were out there always taking pitchers of birds 'n shit.

      Camera back yet? Any new pikkies for me?

      • I know right?
        She does things in the wrong order and doesn't hold her knives and other stuff properly. She is terrible!
        Oddly enough, I am calling the camera hospital in a little bit.
        The Sandhill Cranes are arriving daily and there's even a COMMON CRANE out there with them. The birders are going nuts after that guy. Bird kooks from all over the country are descending on Alda road, about an hour from me, to get a good look at that Common Crane. A Lifer fer sure!
        I have to get a picture of that crazy lost bird!

        • I've never watched her show, but one of my exes is a professional chef and restaurauteur of 40 years' experience, and listening to him rant about her is a memorable experience.

          That poor common crane. I wonder if it was raised by Sandhill cranes? Tell the Camera Horse Spittle I'm on their case if you don't get your camera back right away. I NEED a picture of that crane!

          • Well poop! It had to be sent to Canon. Hopefully I'll get it in a week.

          • You need a whole set of spares. Do you sell your pix? I was showing them to my partner, and he said that it was very difficult to make it as a professional photographer, but way back in a previous life as a book editor, I used to buy photos to use, and I would have definitely paid good money for yours.

          • It's really hard to make it as a Professional Photographer. Everybody wants everything for free. There are also a lot of scam photography competitions where you basically sign away the rights to your photos to enter and then they turn around and sell them to others as stock photography. Wedding Photographers can make good money, but it's a giant headache because people are too gosh darn vain and hard to deal with. I've only been paid a couple of times. I've had a few published in ornithological bird review thingies, but then again I really haven't pushed my photos very hard.

          • It's a pity I no longer have anything to do with book publishing, because I really like your work. It's breathtakingly beautiful. I have a couple of friends who are avid birders, maybe you know them. I'll drop you a note on my blog, since I just saw you over there.

          • Oh, good. I'll hop over there in a sec. I thought your Blog may be a more appropriate place to continue this. I don't want to clutter up Wonkette with birds and shit.

  • wolvenwood13

    I always thought O'Reilly might have Oppositional Defiant Disorder; now I know for sure, this clinches it.

  • owhatever

    J.C. Penney bribed O'Reilly with cheap sox.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Bill O'Reilly was on an "old men to fuck list" my roommate and I kept in college in the early 90s when he was on whatever that show was that we both never ever watched every single day it was on. This is the first time I've ever felt capable of admitting this since he turned into such a sexually harassing cretin out loud (He was a totally different kind of cretin then, I swear). Also, I love the Real Housewives of Everywhere AND HOW DARE Ellen want to get married. What a girl.

    • ttommyunger

      And he was what, 30 something, then? Funny. First time I was termed an "old man" by a partner was in the mid-sixties. I remember it fondly, since the comment was: "not bad for an old fart". You girls…

  • wolvenwood13

    I love Ellen! She has always seemed like such a gentle, sweet, nice person who is down-to-earth. When she snagged Portia, I was so happy for her – she deserved to get a the beautiful, Princess and they seem to be very happy. Who could possibly object to Ellen? I don't get it. And I'm hetero BTW if that makes any difference.
    Kudos to JC Penney for sticking by her and to the O'Reilly for not giving in to Rios, whatever his reasons were.

    • proudgrampa

      Some of my best friends are lesbians!

      • The nicest kind of best friend to have is a lesbian. They give great hug, too.

        • HistoriCat

          And here I thought the nicest kind of best friend to have is a non-imaginary one.

          • But do they give good hug?

          • HistoriCat

            I remember having friends …

          • Oh, hush, I'm your friend for life. CrayZ kitteh.

        • proudgrampa

          Oh, fersure! You must know the same people that I know. I love them dearly.

          • I wouldn't be surprised. (wink)

    • horsedreamer_1

      Much like my hero, Aaron Rodgers, I find E. Degeneres positively boner-inducing.

  • jus_wonderin

    Where was the OMM outrage for American Express and Ellen's spokenlebianism there?

    • MissTaken

      And Covergirl cosmetics?

  • The comparison with McCarthy spot on: In 1950, "the State Department fired ‘perverts’ at the rate of one a day, more than twice the figure for suspected Communists. Charges of homosexuality ultimately accounted for a quarter to a half of all dismissals in the State and Commerce Departments, and in the CIA. Only 25 per cent of Joseph McCarthy’s fan letters complained of ‘red infiltration’; the rest fretted about ‘sex depravity’." (The Reactionary Mind)

  • Million Mooms protest?

    a) Do the Finns know these ladies are stealing their beloved national mascot?

    b) Million Mom March = Two Million Boob Jiggle (give or take a few boobs)

  • smashedinhat

    O'Really does this quite often I've noticed, entice you into lazy behaviour as regards how you handle him which will lead to a lifetime of regret.

    Remember to gently cup the nose and slide the tightening hand down to the neck gently enclosing and confining the poisonous spiny barbs before administering the killing blow with the wooden bat or other heavily leveraged weight. When properly stunned the beating can be safely administered at ones leisure.

  • ph7

    No one threatens Bill's source of inexpensive loofahs and gets away with it.

  • PubOption

    I suspect Rove was behind this. He thinks that the amphibian and the frothy matter are too extreme to be electable. He wants to be able to compare them to something his base finds too extreme (e.g. Westboro), so has asked Bill to sound moderate on gay issues for a few weeks. If Bill's comments are enough to turn the sheeple, Rove has found a cheap way to achieve his ends, if not he will set up a Democratic-sounding PAC, and run some outrageous attack ads.

  • Guppy

    You cheer him now, but wait until he turns around and applies this argument to the Komen/Planned Parenthood situation.

    "Freedom of association" means the freedom to associate or disassociate with whomever you wish. I may not agree with these homophobic asshats, but I'm not so conceited as to try to compare it to someone using a position of legal authority to legislate a witch-hunt.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Just wait until the million moms find out that Penneys is adding a strap-on department.

  • Trinket

    Wait, what the fuck just happened???

  • One sunny day does not a springtime make….

    The old creepy Bill will be right back.

  • Liza

    Which is really different than calling for Pepsi to fire Ludacris in 2002 for … being a rapper? OK, why not.

  • chascates

    Vic Eliason, the host of Voice of Christian Youth America’s flagship program Crosstalk:
    There comes a time when there needs to be a holy rejection of corruption that is literally putrefying our families. It’s time, long overdue, and too many people are sitting back and just letting Sodom and Gomorrah come walking in the door. Walking in the door? Good grief, it’s already in the door, you can’t even turn your TV set on without being slammed in the face with some commercial with anything from body parts to who knows what all, personal products and things of a nature that weren’t even considered appropriate to be parading in front of our little kids. Now little kids in the first and the second and the third grade are being trained to know that being gay is O.K. and we don’t want to say anything bad about that because that would be bullying.
    Does it offend you, when you hear what retailers now—putting icons before you and your kids who are known, and according to some, flaming homosexuals?

  • jus_wonderin

    Who knew. I should have not used this yesterday, thus saving it for today.

    "There's a sale at Penney's!"

  • DrunkIrishman

    Sorry, Bill, something suddenly came up.

  • ElPinche

    Need anger? I got plenty. Henceforth:

    Hey pinko commie Bill, go break a hip, bitch!

  • How dare JC Penny use a boring comedienne to shill boring clothing for boring people!

  • ExecutorElassus

    you know that face John Stewart made a few weeks ago when Michelle Bachman inexplicably articulated a coherent position about not going to war with China? Yeah, that's what I'm making now.
    Come to think of it, I think the bromance Stewart's been cultivating with O'Reilly seems to be paying off. Hurrah!

  • OK, as long as it's not "partially-chewed, bloody, gory, unidentifiable small life," I'm cool. Humans are OK. But I'm NOT doing ANY MORE MOLES!!! Their little coats feel like a pair of velvet jeans I once owned, and it's just too gross when you remove the heads and feet and leave them right on the front doorstep.

  • rocktonsam

    "O'Reilly on Ellen"

    : shudder:

    Its going to take at least a box of wine and then some to rid my mind of that thought

  • ttommyunger

    Big dumb cunts like Bill-0 crack me up. They get by on size and bluster most of the time not realizing until it's too late that being that tall just puts their 'nads in better striking position.

  • BZ1

    "traditional": code word for gay?

  • Sassomatic

    I shop at J.C Penny. And I'm such a dork loser that J.C.Penny pays me $100,000 a year not to talk about it.

  • NewtsUndies

    I have to say, I think Billo is wrong here. Of course the shrew and her million morons have the right to DEMAND Ellen be fired. They have the right to demand anything they like such as that all JCPenny shoppers walk about the shop on their hands but JCPenny has the right to tell them to fuck off and we have the right to laugh at them for being on the wrong side of history,

  • Look, loofah boy – you've seen this happening on the other side, how Barry does everything he can to kiss right wing ass and they still piss all over him. There is nothing he can ever, ever possibly do to make them like him.
    Which is sort of like you and the left. Sorry. You've just been a humongous jerk for too long.

  • old_phineas

    Falafel-Loofa Man does this sort of thing from time to time. It makes me want to get him into therapy (to cure 90% of his blathering), rather than to encourage him to join a monastery with a strict vow of silence.

  • ItsMrTheOwl2You

    I live in middle America, and I tell you, I cannot wait to have children so they can be indoctrinated with Lesbian propaganda! There will be no Mozart on the earphones around my pregnant belly. No, my unborn American will listen to Phranc's iconic song "M.A.R.T.I.N.A" Start that lesbian indoctrination early, I say. Registry at JC Penney.

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