ORANGE DEATH MONSTER CROOKS  10:36 am February 8, 2012

Tanning Machine Cancer Industry Sends Big Bucks To Boehner

by Wonkette Jr.

Weeping burnt orange cretin.People who are not Sarah Palin and/or “Snooki” may not understand the importance the Indoor Tanning Industry plays in making people look like wrinkled, rotten oranges with melanoma, but weeping boozebag would just be a bright red nose on a bloated clown face if not for the magic of the tanning beds down at the strip mall next to the “Cheap Smokes” shop. That’s why he’s happy to take the Indoor Tanning Industry’s big money to make sure burnt orange trailer trash Americans retain their White American rights to turn into cancer-ridden Medicare charity cases.

Think Progress reports on this not-really-shocking development in the Lobbying World of amoral congressional leadership:

The Indoor Tanning Industry’s political action committee has contributed $5,000 House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) campaign account and another $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Campaign’s Boehner for Speaker Committee.

A small reward for Boehner putting tanning beds into the Affordable Care Act! [Think Progress via Monsieur Grumpe]

 
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{ 106 comments }

Beetagger February 8, 2012 at 10:38 am

It sure is cheap to buy a congressman. Maybe I should reallocate my marketing budget.

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

That's why we keep the two party, winner-take-all system – it's so cheap.

bagofmice February 9, 2012 at 1:43 am

True. You. Could do a 40k ad campaign on the subway, or give a few k to a congressman.

Golfing_OJ February 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Wingnut jackass dingdouche BONER can be purchased cheaply, for an evening with a vinyl siding company's top salesgirl and 2 cartons of Kools.

Gratuitous World February 8, 2012 at 10:39 am

Never hurts to have Big Orange in your corner.

except for the cancer.

PubOption February 8, 2012 at 11:43 am

Braniff went bankrupt many years ago.

DerrickWildcat February 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

We have a Sun where I live.

freakishlywrong February 8, 2012 at 10:44 am

Right? I never understood the tanning bed shit. Just GO OUTSIDE for an hour, idiot.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 10:57 am

Well tanning the body outside is only possible in the summer, though. Still doesn't make it a good idea.

freakishlywrong February 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

I live in Floriduh. You can't throw a rock and not hit a tanning salon, ( I know, I've tried).

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 11:05 am

Huh; they're common here but then we have winter. I guess some people really don't want tan lines.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 11:02 am

An hour? WHAT? AND MISS SPRINGER??????

nounverb911 February 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

The sun made a guest appearance in Seattle yesterday. Huzzah!

BigDumbRedDog February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Was that what that thing was? It hurt my eyes.

bagofmice February 9, 2012 at 1:45 am

It was a cold day today. Navy coat night tonight.

Dashboard Buddha February 8, 2012 at 10:57 am

The sun is a miasma of incandescent plasma.

BarryOPotter February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

The house (of representatives) is a Procrustean (tanning?) bed of venal legislators.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

The sun's not yellow, it's chicken.

elviouslyqueer February 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Keep fucking that sunshine, SB.

BigDumbRedDog February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Lucky!

Biff February 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

My gym has a tanning booth available and included in the membership dues. Apparently, the radiation discharged by it is less than what we get from the white hot sun here in the Mojave Desert. Nobody uses it, but it's there.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Isn't the fact that the Indoor Tanning Industry has a political action committee indicate that it's time to do away with political action committees?

Pragmatist2 February 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

Just imagine how much the Orange industry gives him!!!!!

memzilla February 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

Of course the Rethuglicans are in favor of UV (Ultra Venal) rays.

freakishlywrong February 8, 2012 at 10:42 am

Kleenex should be sending along the $$ as well, weepy asshole.

lefty74 February 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

Do any of those dickheads take contributions from NORML?

FakaktaSouth February 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

I hope not. I don't want any of my money being funneled to those fuckers.

Generation[redacted] February 8, 2012 at 11:40 am

There was one, but he totally forgot to run for office.

MrFizzy February 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

Boner: get thee to a tannery!

HempDogbane February 8, 2012 at 10:45 am

Blah wannabes be wanting more blah.

Baconzgood February 8, 2012 at 10:45 am

John Boehner’s a shill for the tanning lobby…..forget it. This is just too easy to snark on.

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

No joke. When you do business with the tanning industry, it's expected that you're going to lube up and crawl in bed.

Lucidamente1 February 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

Only ten grand?

freakishlywrong February 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

Have the douchenozzle lobbyists sent any $$ to Cantor yet?

Mumbletypeg February 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

"Come away, human child
to the water and the wild
With a cigarette in hand
for the Speaker's seat's more full of weeping
than I can understand

To and fro we leap
And chase the proffered dollars
while the world is full of sun lamps
Forcing many a blistered skin cell to repair overtime
in its sleep"

with apologies to Yeats, and the Waterworks — I mean, Waterboys

nounverb911 February 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

Did Palin give up her tanning bed when she quit?

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

Well stupid people who are willing to damage their future health and appearance for what they somehow think are better looks now need representation too!

Negligently_Joe February 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

And back in the day, Boehner was famously in the pocket of the tobacco industry… make your own joke here.

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Saludos, my friend! And let me just say that yooooooooooooooou look mahvelous!

Toomush_Infer February 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

No news day, eh….? I'll say it: orange you glad you aren't Boner's tanning booth operator?…

MrFizzy February 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

Probably not a bad thing to own the tanning shop he uses – doesn't need any other clients to make a good living.

chascates February 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

He should use some of that money to buy better ties. His current ones were apparently purchased at the golf course pro shop. Orange skin and turquoise ties are pretty frightening.

Barrelhse February 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

Is he a Dolphins fan?

chascates February 8, 2012 at 11:08 am

Only if they're on a plate.

GunToting[Redacted] February 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

The ties come with a free bowl of soup.

memzilla February 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

I have to believe there's a restricted Intrade website that lists the current prices and bid/ask market trends for bribing Congressmen.

Cracking this story would be an excellent collaborative project for Wonkette™, Anonymous™, and OWS™.

Sue4466 February 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

Looking at Boehner's "healthy orange glow," I'da guessed the campaign cash would come from Melanoma Awareness Foundation. But I guess they get the awareness without having to otherwise support this walking cancer billboard.

Biff February 8, 2012 at 11:36 am

A friend of mine out here in this god forsaken desert is the Executive Director for the Melanoma Education Foundation, Nevada Chapter. Lost his wife to melanoma, and has dedicated his life to pointing out the dangers to everyone that will listen. Probably too late for me, but you can save yourself, mostly by avoiding this god forsaken desert in the first place.

CapnFatback February 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

Today, Boehner is crying joyful tears composed of Hawaiian Tropic.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 10:58 am

And here I thought it was bourbon.

GunToting[Redacted] February 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

Tincture of nicotine.

Chet Kincaid February 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

Grand Marnier. Or Mimosas, if he's feeling particularly precious.

donner_froh February 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

They can have is tanning bed when they pry it from his dessicated cancerous fingers.

James Michael Curley February 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

Is that Boehner's face or Christine Aguilera's butt?

BarryOPotter February 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

Or did Christine O'Donnell finally shave, you know, down there?

MrFizzy February 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

Fuck off! — Christina.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

On behalf of all Ohioans, I ask that you please just move to Florida or Texas already, Speaker Weeping Burnt Orange Cretin.
~

MosesInvests February 8, 2012 at 11:01 am

Speaking as a native of Florida and current resident of Tejas:
DO. NOT. WANT.
Got enough stupid, reactionary white people in both states, thanx.

memzilla February 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

Fast forward to the C-SPAN video feed of March 15th:

"It is now in order to introduce H.R. 1576, The Snooki Act For Melanin Freedom, onto the House Floor. All those in favor say 'Yo?'"

"Yo!"

"All those against say 'Whatev?'"

"Whatev!"

"In the opinion of the chair, the Yos have it."

"Mr. Speaker, on that I would ask for a recorded vote."

"Is the gentleman asking for the Yos and Whatevs?"

"I am."

"Pursuant to House Rule 7A, further proceedings on this bill are suspended until the armored Brinks van full of SuperPAC munniez pulls up to the House receiving dock."

ThundercatHo February 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

Orange fuckwit looks better than white fuckwit?

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

What's a ltiile color between fuckwits?

BaldarTFlagass February 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

Coppertone QT also contributed.

VinnyThePooh February 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

I'm certain Boner's brain smells like burned popcorn.

BTWBFDIMHO February 8, 2012 at 11:02 am

Win.

EatsBabyDingos February 8, 2012 at 10:57 am

Crayola gave him $5000 also for a new Crayon color: Burnt Burnt Sienna.

donner_froh February 8, 2012 at 10:58 am

Snooki is the honorary chairman of his campaign finance committee.

4TheTurnstiles February 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

GOPs in the house get pleasantly toasted, while their staffers in the NoVA exurbs get burnt on a shitty transportation deal (and McDonnell gets talked up as a Veep contender…)
http://www.smartergrowth.net/anx/index.cfm/0,258,…

actor212 February 8, 2012 at 11:01 am

You can have my melanoma when you can pry it from my cold, dead cheek

Tundra Grifter February 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

"Indoor Tanning Industry?"

Indoor tanning is an "industry?" This what our nation has come to? Steel mills are an industry. Automobile manufacturing is an industry. Cutting down damn big trees is an industry.

Indoor tanning is a hobby – up there with stamp collecting, killing butterflies in glass jars and hoarding Beanie Babies, waiting for the market to finally return.

Chet Kincaid February 8, 2012 at 11:23 am

Tweety, is that you?

FakaktaSouth February 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

I have to admit, things are really fucked up in my head with money and PACs and all – when it got down to the end I was all, "$5000? That's it? They must not like him THAT much."

prommie February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Things are really fucked up in my head, too, I am at a loss. Dare I ask about the "eiffel tower?"

FakaktaSouth February 8, 2012 at 11:29 am

It's impressive enough to be worth a google – but not as good as the golden gate bridge – I'd show you myself but I don't think I know 4 other people well enough, maybe 3, not 4. The punks on urban dictionary don't have enough imagination though – ya gotta go deeper.

Tundra Grifter February 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

For those in the business, 5 ironmen is probably a great deal of money. What with the economy and all – I'm sure many people pay their rent before they go for an indoor tan.

And keep in mind it is often astonishing how little it takes to buy many, many people. The popular defense is "Do you think I would do _______ for just _____?"

My answer is "Looks to me like you just did."

donner_froh February 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

The manufacturers of Cisplatin kicked in five grand as well.

DaRooster February 8, 2012 at 11:05 am

Just allow it under ObamaCare… help everyone become tan like the Prez.

Mojopo February 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

OT: Jim Newell has been credited with helping people to believe that Mitt's first name is "Mittens". http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2012/01/2

valthemus February 8, 2012 at 11:08 am

Just wait… Hawaiian Tropic will demand an environmentally dicey cocoa butter pipeline be built from South America. "But it'll create jobs!!!"

Chet Kincaid February 8, 2012 at 11:12 am

The American Sweet Potato Council is also using Boehner's image as one of the "Singing Yams" in their new marketing campaign.

Tundra Grifter February 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

CK:

He yam what he yam.

GOPCrusher February 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Couple more years of indoor tanning, he can be a California Raisin.

widestanceshakedown February 8, 2012 at 11:13 am

For all we know, he's also in the pocket of Big Anal Bleach. Let's not expose that.

bflrtsplk February 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

Wierd that wrinkled up white folks who want a white world would spend so much time and money trying to turn themselves brown. Just sayin'.

Not_So_Much February 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

Really begs the question; what exactly do you get for five grand from Dah Boner?

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Tears of joy?

Tundra Grifter February 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

You don't pay 'em to show up; you pay 'em to go home.

SayItWithWookies February 8, 2012 at 11:15 am

When bribing the speaker
Don't opt for the meeker
Denominations to put in his till;
Just give fistfulls of plunder
To that lachrymose umber —
He's got an enormous country club bill.

prommie February 8, 2012 at 11:20 am

"Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to…effervescent!”

Biff February 8, 2012 at 11:57 am

And effervescence is to froth…

MissTaken February 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Tanning Today = Botox Tomorrow. It's the circle of life.

SorosBot February 8, 2012 at 11:31 am

Maybe that explains why Callista looks like she's Newt's age instead of 20 years younger.

ThundercatHo February 8, 2012 at 11:34 am

But when will the lions finally show up and thin the herd of the weak and feeble minded?

prommie February 8, 2012 at 12:51 pm

What do you have to do for bags under the eyes? I mean, assuming that more sleep, or going to sleep sober, is off the table?

smitallica February 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

First they came for the leathery, orange, pre-cancerous money whores, and I said nothing…

chicken_thief February 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

The Orange Man must have needed booze money or something. $10k seems like a paltry sum for influence from the Speaker of the House. No greens fees thrown in?! Pelosi could have gotten $25k and free tans for San Francisco.

Andrew Drinker February 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

Oh, is that why he's so orange? I thought it was from a regular weekend carrot juice bender (with vodka.)

Oblios_Cap February 8, 2012 at 11:23 am

Have you ever seen a tanned pelt? Other than Boner's?

soeoho February 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

I promise huge kickbacks to any candidate supporting my Solar Powered tanning beds.
Revolutionary concept, but thinking outside the bed is my forte. M.C. (moon commander) Gingrich is my target audience however. Gotta think expansion.

Chet Kincaid February 8, 2012 at 11:25 am

"Shame On The Roof" will be the name of somebody's chronicle of Mittens' 2012 run.

Mojopo February 8, 2012 at 11:39 am

If Mittens loses the nom, God only knows what's going to happen to the Romney's pets.

ThundercatHo February 8, 2012 at 11:36 am

Can we just all be thankful that it was Rmoney's close-up on that rag and not Boner's?

Tundra Grifter February 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

How about (r)Money?

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"…..darker than us; wuff!"

MadBrahms February 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

"You can have my tan skin when you peel it in layers off of my cold, dead, cancerous hands."

DahBoner February 8, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Weeping boners, Snooki and carrots are vegetables too, my friends…

BZ1 February 8, 2012 at 9:19 pm

If the Boner is a prime example of the benefits of turning into a carrot, not for me…

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