Weeping burnt orange cretin.People who are not Sarah Palin and/or “Snooki” may not understand the importance the Indoor Tanning Industry plays in making people look like wrinkled, rotten oranges with melanoma, but weeping boozebag would just be a bright red nose on a bloated clown face if not for the magic of the tanning beds down at the strip mall next to the “Cheap Smokes” shop. That’s why he’s happy to take the Indoor Tanning Industry’s big money to make sure burnt orange trailer trash Americans retain their White American rights to turn into cancer-ridden Medicare charity cases.

Think Progress reports on this not-really-shocking development in the Lobbying World of amoral congressional leadership:

The Indoor Tanning Industry’s political action committee has contributed $5,000 House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) campaign account and another $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Campaign’s Boehner for Speaker Committee.

A small reward for Boehner putting tanning beds into the Affordable Care Act! [Think Progress via Monsieur Grumpe]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Beetagger

    It sure is cheap to buy a congressman. Maybe I should reallocate my marketing budget.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That's why we keep the two party, winner-take-all system – it's so cheap.

      • bagofmice

        True. You. Could do a 40k ad campaign on the subway, or give a few k to a congressman.

    • Golfing_OJ

      Wingnut jackass dingdouche BONER can be purchased cheaply, for an evening with a vinyl siding company's top salesgirl and 2 cartons of Kools.

  • Never hurts to have Big Orange in your corner.

    except for the cancer.

    • PubOption

      Braniff went bankrupt many years ago.

  • We have a Sun where I live.

    • freakishlywrong

      Right? I never understood the tanning bed shit. Just GO OUTSIDE for an hour, idiot.

      • SorosBot

        Well tanning the body outside is only possible in the summer, though. Still doesn't make it a good idea.

        • freakishlywrong

          I live in Floriduh. You can't throw a rock and not hit a tanning salon, ( I know, I've tried).

          • SorosBot

            Huh; they're common here but then we have winter. I guess some people really don't want tan lines.

      • An hour? WHAT? AND MISS SPRINGER??????

    • nounverb911

      The sun made a guest appearance in Seattle yesterday. Huzzah!

      • BigDumbRedDog

        Was that what that thing was? It hurt my eyes.

      • bagofmice

        It was a cold day today. Navy coat night tonight.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      The sun is a miasma of incandescent plasma.

      • BarryOPotter

        The house (of representatives) is a Procrustean (tanning?) bed of venal legislators.

      • SorosBot

        The sun's not yellow, it's chicken.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Keep fucking that sunshine, SB.

    • BigDumbRedDog


    • Biff

      My gym has a tanning booth available and included in the membership dues. Apparently, the radiation discharged by it is less than what we get from the white hot sun here in the Mojave Desert. Nobody uses it, but it's there.

    • GOPCrusher

      Isn't the fact that the Indoor Tanning Industry has a political action committee indicate that it's time to do away with political action committees?

  • Pragmatist2

    Just imagine how much the Orange industry gives him!!!!!

  • memzilla

    Of course the Rethuglicans are in favor of UV (Ultra Venal) rays.

  • freakishlywrong

    Kleenex should be sending along the $$ as well, weepy asshole.

  • lefty74

    Do any of those dickheads take contributions from NORML?

    • FakaktaSouth

      I hope not. I don't want any of my money being funneled to those fuckers.

    • Generation[redacted]

      There was one, but he totally forgot to run for office.

  • MrFizzy

    Boner: get thee to a tannery!

  • HempDogbane

    Blah wannabes be wanting more blah.

  • Baconzgood

    John Boehner’s a shill for the tanning lobby…..forget it. This is just too easy to snark on.

    • CapnFatback

      No joke. When you do business with the tanning industry, it's expected that you're going to lube up and crawl in bed.

  • Lucidamente1

    Only ten grand?

  • freakishlywrong

    Have the douchenozzle lobbyists sent any $$ to Cantor yet?

  • "Come away, human child
    to the water and the wild
    With a cigarette in hand
    for the Speaker's seat's more full of weeping
    than I can understand

    To and fro we leap
    And chase the proffered dollars
    while the world is full of sun lamps
    Forcing many a blistered skin cell to repair overtime
    in its sleep"

    with apologies to Yeats, and the Waterworks — I mean, Waterboys

  • nounverb911

    Did Palin give up her tanning bed when she quit?

  • SorosBot

    Well stupid people who are willing to damage their future health and appearance for what they somehow think are better looks now need representation too!

    • And back in the day, Boehner was famously in the pocket of the tobacco industry… make your own joke here.

    • Saludos, my friend! And let me just say that yooooooooooooooou look mahvelous!

  • Toomush_Infer

    No news day, eh….? I'll say it: orange you glad you aren't Boner's tanning booth operator?…

    • MrFizzy

      Probably not a bad thing to own the tanning shop he uses – doesn't need any other clients to make a good living.

  • chascates

    He should use some of that money to buy better ties. His current ones were apparently purchased at the golf course pro shop. Orange skin and turquoise ties are pretty frightening.

    • Barrelhse

      Is he a Dolphins fan?

      • chascates

        Only if they're on a plate.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      The ties come with a free bowl of soup.

  • memzilla

    I have to believe there's a restricted Intrade website that lists the current prices and bid/ask market trends for bribing Congressmen.

    Cracking this story would be an excellent collaborative project for Wonkette™, Anonymous™, and OWS™.

  • Sue4466

    Looking at Boehner's "healthy orange glow," I'da guessed the campaign cash would come from Melanoma Awareness Foundation. But I guess they get the awareness without having to otherwise support this walking cancer billboard.

    • Biff

      A friend of mine out here in this god forsaken desert is the Executive Director for the Melanoma Education Foundation, Nevada Chapter. Lost his wife to melanoma, and has dedicated his life to pointing out the dangers to everyone that will listen. Probably too late for me, but you can save yourself, mostly by avoiding this god forsaken desert in the first place.

  • CapnFatback

    Today, Boehner is crying joyful tears composed of Hawaiian Tropic.

    • SorosBot

      And here I thought it was bourbon.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Tincture of nicotine.

    • Grand Marnier. Or Mimosas, if he's feeling particularly precious.

  • They can have is tanning bed when they pry it from his dessicated cancerous fingers.

  • James Michael Curley

    Is that Boehner's face or Christine Aguilera's butt?

    • BarryOPotter

      Or did Christine O'Donnell finally shave, you know, down there?

    • MrFizzy

      Fuck off! — Christina.

  • On behalf of all Ohioans, I ask that you please just move to Florida or Texas already, Speaker Weeping Burnt Orange Cretin.

    • MosesInvests

      Speaking as a native of Florida and current resident of Tejas:
      DO. NOT. WANT.
      Got enough stupid, reactionary white people in both states, thanx.

  • memzilla

    Fast forward to the C-SPAN video feed of March 15th:

    "It is now in order to introduce H.R. 1576, The Snooki Act For Melanin Freedom, onto the House Floor. All those in favor say 'Yo?'"


    "All those against say 'Whatev?'"


    "In the opinion of the chair, the Yos have it."

    "Mr. Speaker, on that I would ask for a recorded vote."

    "Is the gentleman asking for the Yos and Whatevs?"

    "I am."

    "Pursuant to House Rule 7A, further proceedings on this bill are suspended until the armored Brinks van full of SuperPAC munniez pulls up to the House receiving dock."

  • ThundercatHo

    Orange fuckwit looks better than white fuckwit?

    • Oblios_Cap

      What's a ltiile color between fuckwits?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Coppertone QT also contributed.

  • VinnyThePooh

    I'm certain Boner's brain smells like burned popcorn.



  • EatsBabyDingos

    Crayola gave him $5000 also for a new Crayon color: Burnt Burnt Sienna.

  • Snooki is the honorary chairman of his campaign finance committee.

  • GOPs in the house get pleasantly toasted, while their staffers in the NoVA exurbs get burnt on a shitty transportation deal (and McDonnell gets talked up as a Veep contender…),258,…

  • You can have my melanoma when you can pry it from my cold, dead cheek

  • Tundra Grifter

    "Indoor Tanning Industry?"

    Indoor tanning is an "industry?" This what our nation has come to? Steel mills are an industry. Automobile manufacturing is an industry. Cutting down damn big trees is an industry.

    Indoor tanning is a hobby – up there with stamp collecting, killing butterflies in glass jars and hoarding Beanie Babies, waiting for the market to finally return.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I have to admit, things are really fucked up in my head with money and PACs and all – when it got down to the end I was all, "$5000? That's it? They must not like him THAT much."

    • prommie

      Things are really fucked up in my head, too, I am at a loss. Dare I ask about the "eiffel tower?"

      • FakaktaSouth

        It's impressive enough to be worth a google – but not as good as the golden gate bridge – I'd show you myself but I don't think I know 4 other people well enough, maybe 3, not 4. The punks on urban dictionary don't have enough imagination though – ya gotta go deeper.

    • Tundra Grifter

      For those in the business, 5 ironmen is probably a great deal of money. What with the economy and all – I'm sure many people pay their rent before they go for an indoor tan.

      And keep in mind it is often astonishing how little it takes to buy many, many people. The popular defense is "Do you think I would do _______ for just _____?"

      My answer is "Looks to me like you just did."

  • The manufacturers of Cisplatin kicked in five grand as well.

  • DaRooster

    Just allow it under ObamaCare… help everyone become tan like the Prez.

  • Mojopo

    OT: Jim Newell has been credited with helping people to believe that Mitt's first name is "Mittens".

  • Just wait… Hawaiian Tropic will demand an environmentally dicey cocoa butter pipeline be built from South America. "But it'll create jobs!!!"

  • The American Sweet Potato Council is also using Boehner's image as one of the "Singing Yams" in their new marketing campaign.

    • Tundra Grifter


      He yam what he yam.

    • GOPCrusher

      Couple more years of indoor tanning, he can be a California Raisin.

  • widestanceshakedown

    For all we know, he's also in the pocket of Big Anal Bleach. Let's not expose that.

  • bflrtsplk

    Wierd that wrinkled up white folks who want a white world would spend so much time and money trying to turn themselves brown. Just sayin'.

  • Not_So_Much

    Really begs the question; what exactly do you get for five grand from Dah Boner?

    • chicken_thief

      Tears of joy?

    • Tundra Grifter

      You don't pay 'em to show up; you pay 'em to go home.

  • SayItWithWookies

    When bribing the speaker
    Don't opt for the meeker
    Denominations to put in his till;
    Just give fistfulls of plunder
    To that lachrymose umber —
    He's got an enormous country club bill.

    • prommie

      "Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to…effervescent!”

      • Biff

        And effervescence is to froth…

  • MissTaken

    Tanning Today = Botox Tomorrow. It's the circle of life.

    • SorosBot

      Maybe that explains why Callista looks like she's Newt's age instead of 20 years younger.

    • ThundercatHo

      But when will the lions finally show up and thin the herd of the weak and feeble minded?

    • prommie

      What do you have to do for bags under the eyes? I mean, assuming that more sleep, or going to sleep sober, is off the table?

  • smitallica

    First they came for the leathery, orange, pre-cancerous money whores, and I said nothing…

  • chicken_thief

    The Orange Man must have needed booze money or something. $10k seems like a paltry sum for influence from the Speaker of the House. No greens fees thrown in?! Pelosi could have gotten $25k and free tans for San Francisco.

  • Oh, is that why he's so orange? I thought it was from a regular weekend carrot juice bender (with vodka.)

  • Oblios_Cap

    Have you ever seen a tanned pelt? Other than Boner's?

  • soeoho

    I promise huge kickbacks to any candidate supporting my Solar Powered tanning beds.
    Revolutionary concept, but thinking outside the bed is my forte. M.C. (moon commander) Gingrich is my target audience however. Gotta think expansion.

  • "Shame On The Roof" will be the name of somebody's chronicle of Mittens' 2012 run.

    • Mojopo

      If Mittens loses the nom, God only knows what's going to happen to the Romney's pets.

  • ThundercatHo

    Can we just all be thankful that it was Rmoney's close-up on that rag and not Boner's?

  • Tundra Grifter

    How about (r)Money?

  • ttommyunger

    "…..darker than us; wuff!"

  • MadBrahms

    "You can have my tan skin when you peel it in layers off of my cold, dead, cancerous hands."

  • DahBoner

    Weeping boners, Snooki and carrots are vegetables too, my friends…

  • BZ1

    If the Boner is a prime example of the benefits of turning into a carrot, not for me…

Previous articleSantorumemtum! Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota & Colorado!
Next articleLet’s Point And Laugh At Mitt Romney’s Horrible Failure