frothy victory

Santorumemtum! Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota & Colorado!

Sweater vests for some, abortion for everyone else!Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so!

Obama just watches the tv all the time and laughs.Screengrab via Wonkette operative “Rod T.”

Missouri somehow has more delegates than Florida — because Florida’s GOP pissed away half its delegates in order to have an earlier primary, to benefit tourism or something? They’ve got that new Harry Potter ride down at the theme park.

Rick Santorum is currently killing in the Minnesota and Colorado results — in Minnesota, Ron Paul is a distant second place, and Romney’s at 17%, hahahaha. What is happening? Will the Republican Party finally self-destruct for the amusement of everyone sane on Earth? Were the Mayans talking about the GOP all this time?

Rick Santorum was poised for a breakthrough night on Tuesday in three contests that could provide a boost to the former Pennsylvania senator’s efforts to slow Mitt Romney’s march to the Republican presidential nomination.

We will either update this post, or perhaps because “Newell got out of bed,” we will have a new post, with LIVEBLOGGING? Text #NEWELLCOMEON using your Android pro-life phone and let’s see what happens. [Washington Post]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • Limeylizzie

    They just called it for Frothy in Minnesota.

    • BearNoLike

      Are you shitting me?!? That guy is such a fucking wtf is wrong with people gah

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Two words, containing exactly one "L".

        That is all you need to know about Minnesota Republicans. If you ever find a sane one, they are simply too drunk to make it to the polls.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        I hardly think Lady Lizzy would be 'shitting' a bear (in the woods?)

        • BearNoLike

          I just keep regretting not going to campaign for Tinklenberg. If Glowing Eyes Bonkers Lady would have lost, this thread might not even exist.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, never thought I'd say this but the Santorum is spreading and Little Ricky seems to have come from behind with a big SPLASH!

      …and this just in from HuffPost, "Romney ass-ails Santorum"

  • PuckStopsHere

    The take-away here is that in some states Mittens can't beat a bucket full of the sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus after a session of anal intercourse. Thank you.

    • OzoneTom

      "a session of anal intercourse" — tonight that should be "multiple sessions"…

      Waiting for Governor Rmoney team's poz-itive spin on his performance viz-a-viz Senator Santorum.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    They may have to do this whole thing all over again!

    • Crank_Tango

      Fuck it, we'll do it live.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        With mother-fucking iced tea for everyone!

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Too many motherfuckers fuckin' with my shit.

        • Crank_Tango

          I pay my motherfuckin rent fortnightly…

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            But the rent is too damn high!

          • horsedreamer_1

            Don't get me started on ATM transaction fees.

      • Nothingisamiss

        No shit, often when I say "Fuck it" to myself it's this whole damn phrase that repeats in my head.

        • Crank_Tango

          I have picked up one from a british friend that goes "fuck it, i'll wear me jeans," which is even better when pronounced "fook it."

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Like Thunderdome? "Four go in–none come out"?

      • bagofmice

        Except Santorum, apparently.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          You don't want to hold Santorum in, it's not healthy.

    • Mahousu

      They are doing it over again – well, Missouri, at least. This Missouri primary only happened because they screwed up and didn't get it canceled in time.

      Same thing with the whole 2012 GOP nomination campaign, of course.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Those Republicants and their confusing rulz. They should do primaries as Pittsburgh does: the Democratic mayor tells you who to vote for and you vote for him/her. And if you forget, they'll cast your ballot for you.

        • Nothingisamiss

          They do this in Georgia, too, only because we use diebold you can show up or not, same-same.

        • finallyhappy

          I remember that from when Frank Rizzo was mayor of Philly- so nice to see tradition carried on in other places and other times

    • bagofmice

      I suppose #comeonnewell would be inappropriate for a story about Santorum rising.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      They will. No delegates awarded yesterday. Good heavens, this election is turning into a fucking circus.

  • Jaded[redacted]

    This whole states' election-date pissing contest is hurting what's left of my gin-soaked brain.

  • HalluxValgus

    I'd love to see the Colorado Springs numbers for Santorum. Home of Focus on the Family and horrible Doug Lamborn. C'mon, Newell! "NEWELLCOMEON

    sent from my whatever the hell

    • littlebigdaddy

      Who does Ted Haggard support, swaying the crucial closeted meth-snorting fundy constituency (about 60% of CS goopers, as far as I can tell)?

      • Negropolis

        Haven't you heard? Ted Haggard is for civil unions, now (I think), so that pretty rules out everyone except that heathen(ish?) Ron Paul.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Wolf Blitzer is starting to sound like Marv Albert.

    • Radiotherapy

      Well, let's hope he doesn't start cross-dressing like him. And either way, Wolf is one banal, boring fuck.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        …with a non-stop monotone.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          … and no ability to play Jeopardy.

          • Radiotherapy

            Double Jeopardy.
            He pleaded guilty to the charges of forcible sodomy and assault.

      • littlebigdaddy

        You know, that is absolutely right! Keep him away from navy blazers.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Santorum, … from Downtown!

    • Negropolis

      Wolf is human Ambien.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Man, that is such the truth. If I fancy a nap in the afternoon I stick on Lobo and his Tedium Report or whatever it is an I'm out like a light.

      • lulzmonger

        I was thinking human ipecac, but that's more Gingrich, I suppose.
        Gotta give some love up for yer OBAMA CAME avatar.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    All four remaining Republican candidates are poised now for a major breakthrough – to the bottom.

    • HalluxValgus

      requisite Santorum joke

      • Loaded_Pants

        Santorum has broken through from the bottom?

    • Negropolis

      That's what she said.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Oh, fuck me sideways…I don't think I can handle another wave of "Santorum Surge" headlines!

    • OzoneTom

      I think that there are some pretty effective treatments for anal fissures available now..

      • Biff

        You mean like an anal mesh patch? I hear there's a lawsuit against the maker.

    • fuflans

      it's been that all day.

      fucking media knows EXACTLY what it's referencing.

      and i salute them for it.

  • CapnFatback

    Jim! We want to hear your Santorum insight!

    #NEWELLONCUM

    • CapnFatback

      Aaaaannnd the COMEONNEWELL hash tag takes me places I'm just not comfortable going without a miner's helmet and a pickaxe.

  • memzilla

    This is all a lamestream media plot to keep using a variant of the now-classic "Santorum Surge" headline. And if we Wonkeratti could do it, we would!

    • littlebigdaddy

      If you have a santorum surge for six hours or more, you should see your proctologist.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Hey Bachman, Perry, and Caine! C'mon back in, this is WIDE OPEN! The Republican electorate has no fucking idea what they want!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      See, Christie, you should have started that diet.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Yeah, and Tim Pawlenty would have had time to develop a personality by now. Hey, it's not like Mitt has one and he's still in.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Tim Whozzzzzzzzzzz?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Yes, please, please one L. We need a slightly higher level of crazy for the benefit of comedy.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Here comes Jeb to save the day….that means that mighty white is on his way….!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Dick Cheney/Sarah Palin 2012!!!!!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Heartless & Mindless for Amurrica!

    • DaRooster

      End Of/World 2013

    • soeoho

      Ya but ya know that if they was like the winners and went a huntin' together well we'd have to know the 3rd one in succession for our fearless leader.

    • Ruhe

      Perhaps by inauguration day Dick's evil intellect could be transferred to an iPad that Sarah could just carry around with her.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Todd would just use it for porn.

        • chicken_thief

          So would Bristol, but she would host the site.

      • Generation[redacted]

        "Siri, how can I win reelection?"
        "I found 7 countries to invade, 2 of them quite close to you."

  • SayItWithWookies

    Okay, if it starts raining weed I'm gonna know this is just a dream.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      In my country we used to say, "if it starts raining soup I'm gonna be with a fork in my hand".

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        And if it's raining men, you know you're at tonight's party in The Castro.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Tonight, we are all Weather Girls.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I like this saying.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Or maybe you're a brain [fetus?] in a jar.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Mitt loosing in CO would be like Snoop loosing a rap battle in Compton.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Colorado = Crackerland

      • littlebigdaddy

        Except for Boulder, Denver, Aspen…hey it's not crackerland at all! We do have a lot of rednecks, but not to the degree that would even be noticed in, say, Oklahoma. The greatest blot is Colorado Springs, where the crazy fundies started moving to in the 80s.

        • Geminisunmars

          Also, I heard that in many locales the Repubs stayed away in droves, not wanting to vote for any of 'em, so only the staunchest of Santorum staunchers showed up. And the rest went "meh".

        • UnholyMoses

          There's also LEGAL MEDICAL POT.

          So they've got that goin' for 'em.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Colorado Springs = Saltine City

      • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

        Caucusing Colorado Republicans = The mayor of Crackerville and his entourage. The rest of the state is kindof cool.

    • bagofmice

      Imagine if he tightened.

    • Negropolis

      Mitt loosing in CO would be like Kim Kardashian losing a fame-whore pageant to Paris Hilton.

      • bagofmice

        Losing to loosing. *sigh*

  • YeOldeFapSmith

    Oh I'm not drunk enough for this. It's time to break out the peach flavored Andre and hobo beans in celebration.

    • prommie

      Peach Andre is good shit, don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for loving it.

  • http://gawker.com Jim Newell

    You people liveblog.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      You call this living?

    • chascates

      You call us people?

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        You call this a blog?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Just Top Chef and PR.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Newell Washes Hands of Santorum!

      • Nothingisamiss

        Obviously the win.

    • Loaded_Pants

      In this case, it would be a liveblarggh.

      • OKthennext

        A live blah.

    • Nothingisamiss

      "Oh you people and your liveblog! Keep the noise down!"

      • C_R_Eature

        "Turn it Down! Turrrn it Dowwn! Don't you kids know any nice Metaphors?!"

        • lulzmonger

          "This is the RNC Scrutinizer. The Whitey Zone is for caucuses & primaries only."

          • C_R_Eature

            That was just So Fine. Vigorously Upfisted!

            Jeeze, these Zappa freaks are everywhere, like Pods…

    • littlebigdaddy

      I am honestly not drunk enough to be at the level of intelligence required to understand the whole gooper thing. Anyway, we like it better when you do it.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Some of us call it vomiting through our fingers.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Since the Republican are going to go for at least a few months, does that mean Ken doesn't have to pay anyone? Or do you all get combat pay now?

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Paging Chris Christie and Jeb Bush, white courtesy phones, please.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      EXTREMELY white courtesy phones, please.

    • Rotundo_

      They're launching the attack blimps, Take Cover! Take Cover!

  • FraAnima

    Come from behind?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      To cover the Midwest.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Of all the santorums, I think break-thru santorum is the messiest. I also want to say that I cannot fucking wait to see what happens down here where the sidewalk ends. Mitt is gonna HATE the dirty, dirty south. Clusterfucktastic.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I can't wait to see him interact with real live redneckistanis. What WILL they get him to say next?

      • FakaktaSouth

        It will be something racist and it will be terrible. He can't help but say what they tell him to say and Newt is going to push him off the cliff.

        • littlebigdaddy

          For instance, that it was a mistake for the ICC to forcibly integrate bus stations in 1963. Cuz now, you got no bus stations in many shithole southern towns. (Honey, I have been there), See, perfectly logical, free market solutions. Black people could have invested in their own bus stations, ya know.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            I'm sure that's what Rand Paul would say. Handicapped people should also build their own wheelchair ramps. And women should be happy to make 10 cents on the dollar compared to men because their salary is just used for household incidentals.

          • littlebigdaddy

            Cuz otherwise they are taking the jerbs away from menfolk.

          • Geminisunmars

            Was once called "pin money".

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Hmm, you must be as old as I. I'm forever explaining anachronistic slang to my kids.

          • finallyhappy

            And really, pins are so cheap

    • Loaded_Pants

      No shit. I'm looking forward to it. And with only Paul & Romney on the ballot here in VA? It won't be much of a clusterfuck but it'll bring out all the Paulites, which will be entertaining.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Ron Paul was in second in West Alabamastan at the straw poll, like 5 months ago. The guntoting potsmoking for-real-necks love that guy. RomRomRom will be devoured by Newt's Taxachussetts Liberal schtick and I guess Santorum's the "legit" Christer. It is going to be a blood bath. I enjoy nothing more than watching these people eat their own, but I am a tidge concerned about the potential number of ads the "carpet bombing" Romster may bestow upon the great unwashed m'asses down here.

        • fuflans

          but romney's ads are like wack a mole. gettum in FL and they pop back up in MO/CO.

          'merica fuck yeah.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            I love whack-a-mole. Gets out aggression like nothing else. I'd love a home edition.

        • Biff

          This makes me giggle like a little girl.

        • prommie

          Papist Christers are considered legit now? I guess if you worship the fetus and hate the gays, thats all that matters anymore, so what if you think salvation comes from faith AND works and worship the pope.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Not legit, "legit" – ie not the one who's a culty mormon, a cunty thrice marrier or an old coot who doesn't talk about religion much. And clusterfucks are more than a fingerbang, less than an Eiffel Tower. It's all about having the right amount of Santorum.

    • prommie

      How does a clusterfuck work? Thats one I have never done.

  • SexySmurf

    But how's he doing in Missoura?

    • Data Exactly

      Chewed Romney up and spit him out!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Former Sen. Mix? As a certain star of stage and screen would say, "WINNING!!!"

    • doloras

      I'LL BE DEEP IN THE COLD COLD GROUND BEFORE I RECOGNIZE MISSOURA

      • littlebigdaddy

        It's pronounced "Misery."

      • bagofmice

        You go, abe!

    • littlebigdaddy

      A pet peeve of mine: rednecks in various states proclaim a pronunciation of the state's name, which our under-educated media drones accept. They do not say Missoura in St. Louis. Likewise, being a Spanish name, Nevada should always be pronounced "nevahda." And Alabama should be pronounced "santorum."

      • Biff

        You saying that Ahnuld is the only one that pronounces Collie Fourn Yah correctly?

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Ahnold pronounces it according to the Austrian School.

          • Negropolis

            You know who ELSE pronounced words according to the Austrian School?

            Fuck it; that was way too easy. lol

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Of course it was easy. E.g., the von Trapp family.

          • HistoriCat

            Sigmund Freud?

          • Biff

            So he is also an economist? Who knew?

      • Negropolis

        Actually, the media has been annoyingly noting that the state has two names depending on where in the state you are. It's practically the only thing the talking heads know about the state. I can't tell you how many times I've heard Chuck Todd's hollow laughter when he talks to people about Missouri and brings up the two different names.

        • Boojum_Reborn

          Is there more to know?

        • UnholyMoses

          People north of, say, Lake of the Ozarks and/or those with a college education call it "Missour-ee."

          The rednecks are the ones who pronounce it wrong.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, it's nickname is The Blow-Me State.

  • C_R_Eature

    Rick Santorum's Pickup Line: You Promised The Moon, But…

    Fuck this, I'm watching Justified

    • Loaded_Pants

      I don't even have cable, but I know Tim Olyphant is easier on the eyes than Santorum.

      • C_R_Eature

        Boy, that's the truth.

  • chascates

    Nate Silver was predicting Newt would win Ohio, but just barely. That may change now. By Super Tuesday we may see the end of Santorum and Gingrich. Ron Paul is like bad luggage, you can never get rid of it.

    CNN now has Santorum & Mittens at 37% each in Colorado, Newt at 17% and the Doctor at 9%.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I haven't wanted Santorum to get this far, because of his ideas. But now I'm ready for him to bitch-slap Romney and win the nom. I am so fucking ready for Barry to kick his ass with science.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I'm ready for that, too. Let's show 'em once and for all … this is the United States of Birth Control, Bitches.

    • DaRooster

      Science, Sci,Sci,Science!

  • Crank_Tango

    Ten grand says Hopey is giggling like a schoolgirl right now.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I know Bammers has a shitload of money for his reelection campaign. But I don't think they have to spend one cent of it, at this point. If Romney gets the nom, they might have to spend a couple of hundred greenbacks, tops.

      • littlebigdaddy

        They might actually donate money TO Mittens. He is so bad that the more people get to know him, the more they dislike him. See the recent WaPo/Kaplan polls.

        • DarwinianDemon

          Yeah but you'll never lose money overestimating the stupidity and greediness of Republicans. My Republican bosses would vote for a sponge with a flag pin for a 2% tax decrease.

  • hollywooddood

    It had to be that damn fetus vote.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      The plural of fetus is feta. It's a greek tragedy for damn sake!

      • hollywooddood

        So that's what that Oklahoma politician was talking about banning fetuses in food.

        I do like a little feta on my salad, though.

        • C_R_Eature

          Great. Now I'm hungry and I'm all out of Fetusajitas.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Zombie Charlton Heston is not pleased about this revelation.

    • Negropolis

      Show me the long-formed umbilical cord!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It is hard to stop big fetus.

  • Limeylizzie
    • C_R_Eature

      That's the most hopeful thing I've seen in a very long time!

      I hate hope. It's just Cruel.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Is Rothschild the new Nate Silver?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Math is hard but the market has spoken–Obama in a landslide.

    • fuflans

      well i could kiss you for that.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I always figured Ron Paul as our Jean-Marie Le Pen…. But Santorum will do.

  • Baconzgood

    The truly funny thing is that Santorum will get shellacked in my/sorta his home state of PA. Yeah we Pennsyltuckians are dumb enough to elect him to the Senate but we're not THAT fucking dumb. Once bitten twice shy (really like 4 times shy).

  • Guppy

    Cream pies for everyone!

    • tealsheart

      Not the gays!

    • Biff

      Don't you mean creamcup?

  • seesdifferent

    Down goes Mittens!! Down goes Mittens!!

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Arizona on tap for Feb. 28. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

    • C_R_Eature

      Can you be the Plucky Cub Reporter, Live on Location?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Lois Lane, at your service. As we say on The Wonket, "I was a journalism major in college, so I have every reason to believe my research is accurate."

        • C_R_Eature

          Works for me! It's good to have a competent Field Crew onsite.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            But I refuse to take photos of Jan Brewer. I have my standards.

          • C_R_Eature

            Thank you. I have my standards also and I refuse to look at photos of Jan Brewer.

            Stick Figures will suffice.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            I'm remembering when Olbermann covered the Michael Jackson child abuse trial with puppets.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Well, you don't want your camera to explode, either.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          You're also qualified to be governor of Alaska!

    • Barrelhse

      "Not in MY taxicab, Mister!"

  • Limeylizzie

    OT if I have to listen to one more pasty-faced, Catholic , male pundit yammering on about contraception I shall vomit.

    • chascates

      They're so opposed to abortion and birth control you'd think they'd be all in favor of giving out those date rape drugs for free.

      • Limeylizzie

        I feel like going after them and shoving a speculum up the arse.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Some of them would probably like that.
          EDIT: Most of them would probably like that.

        • finallyhappy

          niccccce- cause I had that ladyparts exam last week and the speculum was cold

        • MOG2410

          video at 11:00???

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I agree. If I hear one more pundit whining about how persecuted the Catholics are because of this… When I hear it, I just think two words: 'child rape'. I know this makes them feel superior because they can claim to be victims now … instead of 7 year old altar boys.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        And poll after polls shows that the number of American Catholic women who currently use, or have used, birth control is more than 90%. Nearly as high a number as the general public. And those are the ones who ADMIT IT.

        Which leads me to believe these Catholic pundits are either dupes or have never done it with a woman.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Third possibility: they're assholes.

        • SorosBot

          Or they have some weird pregnancy fetish that actually kills their boner when a girl that looks like a chunky Reese Witherspoon tells them she's on the pill.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            I doubtthat.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            Ross Douthat Syndrome

    • Nothingisamiss

      Really. Can you believe we're relitigating the fucking PILL fer godsakes?!

      • Limeylizzie

        I am gobsmacked.

      • SorosBot

        Well we're only talking about the rights of women here; not real people.

        • Nothingisamiss

          It's true that we need to think of the white male landowners in all this.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I say to them, remember remember the 5th of November.

      • Steverino247

        Got hit by a truck that day, so I can't forget it.

        Oh, and "I got better."

    • DarwinianDemon

      Yep. EJ Dionne and Chris Matthews made me want to puke with their cries of persecution from Obama. Please to leave faux persecution to RW, guys…

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Come now lass. If God had meant for you to understand and control your body, why would he have placed men on this planet?

    • Negropolis

      I can't tell you how much I'm in agreement, and I'm a dude.

      Rachel kind of did the issue justice, tonight. All the guys are talking about how this is horrible politics, and basically concern-trolling the issue to death while the actual issue gets lost. They talk about contraception as if it where some kind of thing that can be sacrificed, as if they were talking about a steak, or something.

      The issue is rather straight-foward: You take government money, you abide by the rules. Don't like it? Don't apply for government funding. Better yet, they are making an issue of something that's not really an issue. Nothing but a vocal minority of Americans are crazy enough that they still believe birth control is "controversial," so why the fuck is the media entertaining this as if it's some major cultural or policy change?

      This is one issue where the church heirarchy is totally out of touch with reality. Their own congregations roll their eyes at this bullshit, yet Tweety & Co. are pretending this is some kind of controversy. Fuck the church. All of them, Katie. Really.

      • finallyhappy

        The major media is just a big TMZ show but not as entertaining. They are all whores as far as I am concerned.

      • BarryOPotter

        I fully stand with you in your noble quest to Fuck the church, all of them!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Rachel gave them a stern lecture about that on her show last night. Please revolt with your votes, sane women, they won't take you seriously otherwise!

  • Radiotherapy

    My marriage is saved!!1!
    7M Californicators can't be wrong.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    This is like one of those football games where it seems as if neither team wants to win. In this case none of the idjits running should win 'cause they're all egotistical asshole clowns.

    Cheney/Bush 2012

  • SudsMcKenzie

    None of this makes me want to kick Ari Flieischer in the nutz, hard, anymore or less.

  • chascates

    The next intern/editor should be located in Hawaii or Guam to allow for all-night updates.

    Ken, if you can get me a small mobile home in New Zealand on a couple of acres I'm your late night whatchamacallit!!!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Sex Slave?

      • paris biltong

        Kim Dotcom lookalike?

  • io9k9s

    Rick Santorum's HQ podium has ugly locked up.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Rick Santorum…good God. Even Ronnie is turning over in his grave now that this is what the Republican party has turned into.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Seriously, you KNOW The Gipper wasn't against birth control.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Could it because of all those starlets he raped in Hollywood back in the day?

  • pinkocommi

    It is shit like this that makes me feel that I do not know, like, understand, respect, or have anything in common with at least half of my fellow Americans.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      It also makes me look over my shoulder in a small town 7-11 restroom.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      So you hate women too? Are you a 60 year old pasty Catholic man?

  • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

    Crack open a frothy bottle of Prop. 8-erade!

    • C_R_Eature

      Prop. er8-tion H!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Didn't I read (or hear) that these contests don't actually allocate delegates – they are "beauty contests?"

    Apparently the GNoPee candidates have so little actual work to do they now are running in different states just for the heck of it. And, in the case of Mittens and Ole Newt, perhaps just from habit.

    If this is true – the no delegates thing, I mean – then poor Ricky can't win even when he wins. Remarkable…

  • http://gawker.com Jim Newell

    Why won't this Rick Santorum just shut the fuck up?

    • Radiotherapy

      $$$$$?

    • littlebigdaddy

      In my experience once the santorum starts frothing, it is hard to stop it.

    • Loaded_Pants

      God speaks through him. And God is a wordy asshole.

    • BearNoLike

      He's just a god damned idiot for $800, Jim.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.

      –Douglas Adams

    • paris biltong

      You've been away too long, Jim. His role is to serve as the main source of scatological comic relief here at Wonkette.

  • C_R_Eature

    So…did we decide to call Santorum Voters Frothtards, Lubertarians or Frothtard-Lubertarians?

    I forget.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I prefer Lubertarians. It has the extra added attraction of pissing off Ron Paul, too.

      • C_R_Eature

        I think I like 'em all. Interchangeably. But I really like Lubertarians for Ron Paul!

        We need signs.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          I reiterate my call for puppet theater.

          • C_R_Eature

            Paper dolls? Or Punch & Judy?

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl
          • C_R_Eature

            That's it! All we need is a Gila Monster** puppet as a stand-in for Brewer and we're all set!

            **No need to Frighten the Children, after all.

          • finallyhappy

            I can make really crappy sock puppets- I have the buttons, the felt(for the mouth), yarn for the hair and quite a few worn,greyish crew socks. I am ready!!

    • Bonghits4Jesus

      They are Frothtards who have sects with Lubervitchers.

      • C_R_Eature

        Frothervitchers? I like it.

        Nice Avatar.

    • chascates

      Fecalvangelists?

      • C_R_Eature

        Hey! These are all good!

        Boy, this Santorum guy's more exciting than he looks.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Southern Faptists for Santorum 2012!

      • C_R_Eature

        *Snicker* Just how in hell did someone so dour and humorless get to be the generator of so many hilarious jokes?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Oh, you're just being fececious.

    • Negropolis

      How about Meth-headists?

      • C_R_Eature

        It's the Ergot.

  • annettaj

    A trifecta of WTF.

  • C_R_Eature

    I hope the Advanced Alien Civilizations have their giant Radio Telescopes pointed in some other direction tonight.

    • AlterNewt

      They mostly like to listen to Smooth Jazz.

      • C_R_Eature

        Kenny G? Then it's probably best if they just stay away.

        • Radiotherapy

          Noodling theory is just another word for string theory.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "Well, they were interesting for awhile…but it's time to find real intelligence in the universe now…"

      • C_R_Eature

        If Elvis is up there he's just put a .357 round through the receiver.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Oh, and while these yahoos are battling to be the most anti-science/woman and common sense candidates, Barry is actually dealing with Syria and the Israel/Iran issue. Do you think Ricky even knows where the fuck Syria is since Jesus wasn't born there?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I don't think he knows where Iran is, either, but he'd be happy to send bombs there.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Santorum probably thinks Syria is just the name of one of Obama's daughters.

      • finallyhappy

        Can I steal this- because I will!

    • BearNoLike

      In futura apocolipta, where only masons survive, the plumber ends up the brain surgeon. So Santorum Syrian FP would be something like Alawite are all right cuz they must be all white! Syrian reminds me of fire engines cuz they have sirens like 9-11, so don't gay!

    • Angry_Marmot

      He's heard of it at least once a year, since the Roman governor of Syria is mentioned to set the date of the Nativity. But there's nothing in Lubetube's record to suggest he's thought about it much, since it throws off everyone's calendar and suggests that one of the gospel writers made a mista– Support for Israel! Protect the Unborn!

    • paris biltong

      Syria? I'm Roebuck, who's minding the store?

  • ttommyunger

    J C Christ on a cracker! If Little Ricky was in the (shudder) W. H. we would again for the first time since Lady Bird Johnson have a genuine Butt-Ugly First Lady. Not just ugly, not just plain (I'm talkin to you, Laura) but Butt Ugly. So there's that…

    • Biff

      So what is/was Bar Bush, chopped liver? Rhetorical question, of course she is/was chopped liver.

      • ttommyunger

        True to form, that pee-crusted cunt is very forgettable.

        • Radiotherapy

          Wait a sec ttommy, Nancy was dog. And that's nothing but an insult to pooches everywhere.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            I yield to no man in my lifelong hatred of Reagan and zombie Reagan, but thirty years ago, Nancy was a fairly nice looking old lady.

          • ttommyunger

            But Ronnie said she sure knew how to work a bone.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I found this on a story from "The Ticket:"

    "Missouri, where Newt Gingrich was not able to secure a spot on the ballot, is an entirely different story, and a messier one. By state law, Missouri must hold its primary on a particular date in February. But this year, the national Republican Party mandated that–with the exception of four states that were allowed to vote in February–all others must hold their election in March or later. Yet the Missouri legislature was not able to pass a law changing the primary date, so the state held the election anyway. "

    These jokers think they are going to beat Mr. Obama, the sitting President of these United States of America, in November?

    What a clusterfuck!

  • orygoon

    "Flyover country" is now "sweater vest country". Who knew?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    …and it's Beatle Bomb!
    Too obscure?

    • WhatTheHeck

      coming up from the rear?

  • Extemporanus

    SANTORUM SCORES SHAT-TRICK!

  • DrunkIrishman

    After seeing tonight's results, Romney untied his dog from the roof of his car and kicked it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey good to see ya Newt — it's us, America's conservatives. Hey, we've got something to tell you. We're ditching you for a younger, prettier conservative who we hear is just totally meshuggah in the sack. Yeah. You know him, in fact — it's that guy Santorum. Yes, exactly — the one you were saying should bow out because he was standing in the way of you getting the conservative nomination. That one.

    Anyway, just thought I should give you the bad news in person. I'll just leave these here for you to sign on the table. Oh — and glad to see you made it through the surgery. Peace.

    • Negropolis

      Somehw, in this day and age, I have the feeling that he'd serve the divorce papers via a Twitter attachment.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      They always go for the younger, thinner one.

    • ThundercatHo

      That right there is all kinds of awesome.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Do you think there is a way to get that beautiful piece of mockery in front of Newt's eyeballs? I’d love to watch his veins bulge as he read it. Well done!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Gee, I wonder how "America's Bertesgarten" Colorado Spri ….

    Say, … you know who Else held out high in the mountains?

    • chascates

      Peer Gynt?

      • SudsMcKenzie

        Tim Tebow?

    • Limeylizzie

      Maria von Trapp?

      • Loaded_Pants

        The hills are alive with the sound of spewsic.

      • Biff

        Lilly von Schtupp?

    • Radiotherapy

      Eva Braun and Blondie?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      The Yeti?

    • C_R_Eature
    • MilwaukeeKent

      John Denver?

    • Mondo_Cane

      Dead Men of Dunharrow?

    • SayItWithWookies

      The Hashishim?

      • SudsMcKenzie

        I was hoping for a Masada reference, ty, Oops, wrong team.

    • Biff

      bin Laden?

    • not that Dewey

      The Chink in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues?

    • DaRooster

      Hunter S. Thompson?

    • MosesInvests

      The Great Goblin?

    • flamingpdog

      everybody in Telluride?

    • bagofmice

      The fellowship of the ring?

    • BearNoLike

      John Galt? Oh wait that was only in his head. Sorry.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The Olympian Gods?

    • Negropolis

      Hannibal?

      • MOG2410

        Lector or the elephant guy? Or perhaps both!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Julian Assange?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Heidi?

    • BarackMyWorld

      The guys in "Hot Tub Time Machine"?

      Oh, I thought you said "got high in the mountains".

    • Extemporanus

      Moses?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Jeremiah Johnson? (i never even saw the damned movie, just have had the first line of the damned song stuck in my damned head for years, decades now)

      • SudsMcKenzie

        totally had that movie on my VCR machine. Some might say Robert Redford was OK to look at.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      John Denver?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Sauron?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Dick Cheney on 9/11? Just a guess, of course.

  • Limeylizzie

    Someone on Kos just posted this gem 'This must be the Trump bounce".

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Sadly, not a dead-Trump bounce.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, a dead-cat bounce.

      • Limeylizzie

        We had lunch with a friend of ours yesterday who knows someone who knows the person that does the Donald's hair! He said that the hair comes from India and is bleached , dyed and glued to the Donald's head in individual strands and has to be done about every 4 days.

        • ThundercatHo

          Srsly? What a cramp that would be. Ya know, most of the time toupes are laughable but Burt Reynolds looked ok in his. Bald men can be sexy too (Patrick Stewart!) but Donald the Dbag isn't even the same species.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Donald or Ivana?

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Not after that cover on TNR.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Any idiot can apply "Unsharp Mask" to a Photoshop file enough times to make even George Clooney look like a fucking orc, so that cover proves nothing.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        well I do think it makes Willard look scarier than normal, as it should…most ignorant Repugnants see a perpetually tan, ruggedly good lookin' Moron man (with the requisite graying temple even!) who seems kinda nice and mostly harmless, and he's RICH which is EVERY blue collar, white trash Repiglicker's wet dream! So if 'Shoppin' his photo makes Willard look like the soulless, heartless, greedy, 'vulture capitalist' asshole the he REALLY then I'm OK with that! oh, and did I mention Willard's a Moron? sweet holy jeebus how could ANY good 'Christian' vote for an idiot who buys that streamin' pile o' crap called Moronism that infamous snake oil salesman Joe Smith was sellin' 175 years ago…I mean you'd have to be INSANE to believe any of that shit, amirite?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I've been reading exmo lately, and it is a fucking EDUCATION. These people are trained into a Borg (they call it Morg)-like automatic obedience to authority from day one. They are taught NEVER to question ANYTHING their religious authorities say, no matter how ludicrous, and to give automatic allegiance and obedience to anything coming out of the corporation that calls itself their church. They're required to tell the church how much they make, to give a minimum of 10%, and NEVER to question where that money goes. Their church can audit their books any time. And the church is most famous for its MLM schemes. My word, it makes your head spin.

          You're not an exmo, are you? (eyes D_J with suspicion)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Please don't tell me YOU gave him a pity fuck, Chet. That would be more than I could take.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I can hear the Mitten's super PAC hate machine winding up for a Santorum deluge.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You have to love it. For the last year if you listen to the Conservative Talk Machine, they kept going on about how Obama would run the dirtiest campaign in history. That is going to be a hard argument to make now.

  • DaRooster

    "Santorum was poised for a breakthrough…"

    This has to be dangerous… RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

    • C_R_Eature

      Better Get A Bucket.

      • Man0nTheStreet

        and goggles…

  • iburl

    When Santorum gets the nomination at the convention, will they have a foam party? http://beautysweetspot.com/clairol-color-blend-fo

  • DaRooster

    What in the fuck is wrong with these people?

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Black guy in White House. They're running around in panic at this point, the world refuses to stand still for them, they're just picking up different things and putting them down again, and, from what I gather from the demographics revealed by ads on AM talk radio, their prostates no longer work, they owe more than 10k on credit cards, more than 20k to the IRS, are having child custody issues and need to buy gold.

      • iburl

        Quite trenchant, Kent.

      • Steverino247

        Well, I know why they're having child custody issues. They're assholes who can't parent and they resent paying child support.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        This is my Facebook status for the next nine months.

    • BearNoLike

      Internet series of toobs, don't know how to turn it on.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      They're Republicans?

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Am I hallucinating or is CNN really using the color fuschia to indicate states Santorum carried?

    • HarryButtle

      What? You were expecting oily, creamy (ie frothy) brown?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Yes.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Is santorum now one of the colors in those huge boxes of crayons?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    These Minnesota results are superb. Ron Paul in second place? Newt last?

    There's a hotel room somewhere where a stay-puft marshmallow-amphibian is yelling "REAGAN!" and beating his weird puffy little fists on a desk.

  • Negropolis

    And, here is Mitt Romney laying into the president, again, and looking as stupid as evah doing it, and after losing possibly three contests in one night, no lss. He just looks and sounds so stupid when he talks about the president. Mitt is the definition of the word loser. All that fuckin' money, and no class. Not even an iota.

    • Negropolis

      BTW, can I just say how much I despise Ari Fleicher of however the fuck you spell his a name? I hated him during the Bush administration, but he's even more smug as a pundit.

      I love how all of the CNN creeps are eating their own, tonight. They didn't see this coming, and they are trying to figure it out, and they are all but calling each other "dumb bitches" and it's a beautiful thing.

      Operation Chaos is in full swing, now.

      • bagofmice

        I hear they delegated their authority.

      • ThundercatHo

        OT but did you see yesterday's list of the top 10 most miserable cities? Detroit got the #2 spot (guess they didn't see the Clint Eastwood commercial) and Toledo was #8.

        • Negropolis

          It was released last week, but yeah, it's a Forbes list, so…fuck 'em. They had Gary, IN at number 20. Gary-'effin-Indiana; a town so declined that it makes Detroit look like Paris, a town even the folks of Flint pity.

      • MOG2410

        Time to release the zombies, I'll call the CDC.

  • io9k9s

    huh – kim jon il is back….. and he's a Romney supporter

  • el_donaldo

    That's worth celebrating. Sweater vests and jarred fetuses for everybody!

  • iburl

    I predict a 4 way tie for last.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      quadruple shitheads on the dime

      • thedeathofirony

        what makes a shithead start foaming?

    • Biff

      If any of these fuckweasels win, we all lose.

      • BearNoLike

        Entire states voted for them, we haz already lost.

    • bagofmice

      One hell of a human republipede.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      I lol'ed.

  • io9k9s

    The goons around Mitt are not secret service – seriously – wtf is mitt trying to pull? And someone needs to call Mitt out on the staged glitter bombattempt in Colorado….

    • Negropolis

      They actually are Secret Service.

      • io9k9s

        There may be secret servce somewhere assigned to his campaign – but those guys, they are direct from central casting.. paging Officer Farva…

  • fuflans

    hahahahahaha mittens loses.

    again.

  • cheetojeebus

    Son of a bitch! It just got real!

    the next debate should be fascinating.

  • littlebigdaddy

    In the WaPo test prep newsletter they said "Santorum can go full course." So I guess there's a new strain out there or something.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      eighteen holes?

    • Loaded_Pants

      So I guess there's a new stain out there or something.

      There, I fixated it.

  • Warpde

    If I Google Santorum and get anything other then the truth I'll be pissed.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Oh, you mean Rick Santorum? I think there's no danger of getting an incorrect result for that.

      • Warpde

        Praise Jebus and bring on the froth.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I do appreciate your dedication. It's rather inspiring.

  • C_R_Eature

    Midnight on the East Coast, Rachel Maddow's still on, reviewing the election results and She is Cranked.

    • bagofmice

      The thing about msnbc is that their web page is set up to deliver content on a TV schedule, program schedule, and they delay content on an Internet schedule, so that if you are on the west coast you get blacked out of legal streaming. How am I supposed to keep track with the Internet ? Seriously.

      Just lose the tv pretense and stream content as it occurs. Do you really think that the people who invented your iPad are content to wait three hours to join in on the conversation that started three hours ago without firsthand knowledge? Time is time, mofos!

  • WhatTheHeck

    Indecision 2012.

    The republicans are going to bed tonight thinking “what the fuck. 4 more years of Obama.”

  • fuflans

    DOG we owe you a huge debt.

    us america 2012.

    • io9k9s

      OT – we got some kittens last year, one is over the top Nermal cute – anyway every time she gets all crazy I call her fuflans. Up until a month or so ago I could not figure out why she gave me fuflans tourettes- or where the hell that nickname came from…. anyway i crack up evertime i see your screen name…. Your kitty rocks.

      • fuflans

        oh thank you.

        my fuflans is named after the etruscan god of wine (b/c, why not?). it is a pleasing name.

        sadly, we lost that boy back in 2008 (one of the hardest ever – he was my alpha male and we had a total bond and he was v v young – liver cancer. ugh.). we still have his brother who looks nothing like him and another who's a bit of a spiritual heir (HUGE fluffy black maine coon), but that was a tough one.

        thanks for noticing him.

  • Negropolis

    CNN is fucking ridiculous. Anderson asking a reporter in an empty room "how is the mood?" And, Wolf with his annoying hyperbole. I hear "game-changer" one more time…

    Rick SanScrotum FTW!

    • Warpde

      Really?
      Your watching CNN?
      WOW!!!
      Thanks for taking one for the team.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        It was hard NOT to watch. They were imploding. All those fancy electronic maps and they were not expecting this.

        • Negropolis

          It was a morbid curiosity, that's for damned sure. They were all tearing each other apart and doing everything short of rending their garments at the thought that all of their technology meant fuck-all when it came down to it.

          • vulpes82

            WHERE IS YOUR HOLOGRAM NOW, WOLF BLITZER?!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Wolf is getting real Marv Alberty

    • iburl

      Wolf now has hairpieces, love threesomes, wears women's lingerie, engages in sex biting, and has brokered guilty pleas on forcible sodomy and sexual assault charges? I knew it!

  • barto

    Had to be the tweet re Prop8. Pushed him right over the top, or maybe over the edge, we hope.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    They're freaking the fuck out over at Free Republic and calling each other's favourite candidates RINOs left and right. Well, apart from the Paultards. Even the Freepers think the Paultards are just fuckwits.

    Santorum's a RINO!

    No, you backdoor Mitt fan, he's God's candidate! Mittens is a RINO!

    You're both wrong and RINOs! Real conservatives vote Newt!

    It's a beautiful thing.

    • not that Dewey

      How do you guys articles on that site? Looking for a specific article is like looking for a hair in a carpet.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        I use this link: http://www.freerepublic.com/tag/*/index

        which gives the latest froths. You have to dodge over the "OBAMA HATES RELIGION" and "OMG HOMOS" and find the posts where they kick the shit out of each other for not being Republican enough, because those are the most fun.

        • Man0nTheStreet

          And they can't kick each other hard enough!

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Circular firing squads are fun to watch–from a distance.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, I think the only way this could get better is if Sarah Palin announced that she is jumping into the race because she is sure it is going to the convention.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      yesYesOHGODYESfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap….

  • SudsMcKenzie

    With time running out, Howdy Doody launches one from the corner ….

  • Extemporanus

    "Santorum is the Republican party's flavor of the month."

    – Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak, earlier tonight on The Ed Show

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I'm not gay, or into old dudes but jeepers.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Yet another reason to be glad I'm not a Republican!

    • Radiotherapy

      Ewww.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Worst. Ben and Jerry's. Promotion. EVER.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Rybak is DFL, ain'a?

    • Negropolis

      Something about Rybak's look scares the hell out of me.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        I know, I know but he's been a good mayor for Minneapolis.

    • C_R_Eature

      Santorum® Spread! Just the thing for your buns!

      *retch*

      I'm skipping breakfast.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Boom goes the Santorum!12

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    SANTORUM WINS CO!! LOLZ!

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      HAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA

      It just doesn't get much better as a liberal than watching this huge meltdown clusterfuck which is the Republican primary season.

      Of course, watching the wailing and squealing when Bammaz wins term two will be even sweeter.

    • flamingpdog

      DId the major networks call it? The local press hasn't called it yet, although the biggest bunch of votes that haven't been tallied are from El Paso County, home of Christorado Springs, which most likely will go frothy.

      Never mind, they just called it for Santorum here.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        CNN have called it for frothy.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          No first names; show some respect for the nominee. That would be Senator Mix, to you!

  • Steverino247

    This just in. With 100% of the vote in Missouri, Santorum takes every single county. 57% to 26% to 12%.

    hahahahahahaahahaha!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Santorum blankets Missouri. Geeze, it all comes out so smooth and easy. Oh shit. No, stopstopstop, dammit.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Santorum Surges, Comes from Behind and Covers the Midwest!

    Film at 11.

    • Nostrildamus

      redtube is a great resource.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Say what you will about Gore, Kerry or even McCain, I don't think that over half their party hated them. Hell, I think only a third of Republicans hated McCain.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Who slipped mescaline in the lutefisk?

    • Man0nTheStreet

      nah – a mass mescaline-dose would've given the MN vote to Mpls mayor Rybak – no, this GOoPer political death-trip is fueled by Chantix (frantic dreams, increased hostility, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts) and Devil ether ("There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge").

  • Steverino247

    CO's GOP chair is quoted by TPM as saying Santorum carried Colorado.

    (Wait, shouldn't that be Colorado swept away by flood of santorum?)

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Oh, STOP!

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Rocky Mountain Heinie.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Ann Romney says her husbands surrogates dropped the ball in CO.

    • flamingpdog

      Surrogates? Is that what they're calling the extra wives now?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Well yeah, a santorum covered ball is bound to be slippery

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Oooh, was she doin' a Gisele? "My husband THREW the ball, but your husband DROPPED the ball."

    • Negropolis

      Duh, he can't throw the ball and catch it at the same time, dontcha' know.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Teh Catholics (or, at least, some spaz writing for catholic.org) have come out in favour of the Rickster.

    Some great quotes

    He made an important point, when the Government purports to give us "rights' it always takes away our freedom.

    The political "left" knows that Rick Santorum is a formidable candidate from a working class family. Further, as his recent debate performances have demonstrated more than the speech this evening, they also know he is a formidable communicator and does not need a teleprompter.

    They want to paint the Republican Party as the party of the "1%" which does not care about the rest of America. I know it's contrived. I know it is class warfare. I know it is wrong. However, it is working. A nominee like Rick Santorum blows the whole effort out of the water. The fall campaign would actually revolve around issues and not nonsense. On that playing field, there is no doubt who will win.

    … yeah, Barack Hussein Obama.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      "The fall campaign would actually revolve around issues and not nonsense."

      It would revolve around his four favorite issues (gays, guns, taxes, and lady-parts) and ignore the other 1004 that are just as important but he is clueless about.

      • Biff

        ignore the other 1004 that are just as important but he is clueless about.

        ignore the other 1004 that are just as important but he is alsoclueless about.
        there.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          I stand corrected!

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, good luck with that, Catholic Church.

      Issues not nonsense, my ass. This is coming from an organization that on this very day is in 2012 still fighting a war against basic family planning. It's time to end this shit. I'm hoping 2012 will do that. You will not prevent the rest of us from reaching the 21st Cenutry.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Ah, the Catholic Church. Currently having a symposium on pedophilia in the church in which members are urged to trust victims over priests.

        Monsignor Stephen Rossetti, a psychologist who for a decade ran a U.S. treatment center for abusive priests, told the conference Tuesday that just like alcoholics or drug addicts, sexually abusive priests often lie when confronted with allegations. They manipulate, they con, they deny, he said.

        I nominate this for an Ig Nobel.

        "There are false allegations to be sure" and it's critical to restore a priest's good name when he has been cleared, Rossetti said in his prepared remarks. "But decades of experience tell us that the vast majority of allegations — over 95 percent — are founded." (emphasis mine)

        95%. 95% of allegations found to be true.

        Fuck you, Catholic Church.

        • Radiotherapy

          Fuck the Catholic Church with a S&M cross and a crown of thorns cock ring.

          • Man0nTheStreet

            Yes, Father! Ahhhhhhh-Men!

        • ShaveTheWhales

          O.M.F.G. And they admit it. This gonna require a metric shitload of Our Fathers.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Oh, stupid Catholic person, fuck your teleprompter snide. And, BTW, the Frothster comes not just from a working-class family, but from a Communist family.

    • C_R_Eature

      Strong words from an International Child Rape organization.

  • ms_mcgee

    Huh. Santorum? Didn't see that one coming.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Spurted right past you, huh?

  • Data Exactly

    Santorum won Colorado. Must be the Full Moon…

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      He squeezed out a slippery victory.

  • flamingpdog

    From the Square State: ♫ For purple mountains' majesty, above the fruited frothy plains. ♫

  • BarackMyWorld

    Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota (& Colorado?!)

    Don't blame me, I voted for Obama.

  • Callyson

    Now, while I despise Santorum, this does please me: the Reeps cannot coalesce around a single candidate to save their lives. They clearly don't like *any* of their candidates much…
    …which, I guess, gives me one thing in common with them…

    • DarwinianDemon

      It's even better than that…Republicans are desperately saying "bbb….but HIll and Bamz were still duking it out this time in 2008" Ahh, yes, but it was either or. Here it's Santorum, then Romney, then Newt, then Romney, Then Santorum!

      • Negropolis

        It wasn't just that it was either/or. Democrats loved both of their candidates. We didn't feel that we were settling if either of the two historic candidates had won. Hillary running until the very end ended up growing the party. Both were regularly bringing in crowds numbering in the thousands. Sure, it was vitriolic, at times, but the air during the entire campaign was pratically electric.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          I don't remember either one of them calling the other a liar or "dangerous for the country" on national television. The worst bombs I remember were thrown by Bill and even he calmed down by the convention.

  • Negropolis

    One of these days, Paul has got to win something. I mean, with the way things are going with all of the rest of them winning at least one contest, they have got to let him in to the party.

    • Data Exactly

      Sticking around =/= winning.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Yes, think of all the money he's diverting from the rest.

        • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

          I doubt the others want self printed "sovereign citizen" currency, World of Warcraft gold, and Krugerrands.

    • Man0nTheStreet

      I mistakenly thought Paul would win Nevada, what with all the mobbed-up regulation-averse pro-corporate "Adult Entertainment" executives in Vegas and the über-Libertarian gun-loving fiat-money-hating xenophobic white-supremacists survivalist hicks in the rest of the state (srsly, the locals on the way to Burning Man can be rather… colorful)

      • Data Exactly

        They probably voted for Santorum instead.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Not enough of 'em. The vast majority of Nevadans are regular shlubs in and around Vegas. Also, I think the Nevada Republicans are still a little snake-bit from their fling with Angular Sharron.

        • SorosBot

          Also there's a lot of Mormons there.

          • Biff

            This. We used to be a large chunk of the Utah Territory, after all.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Vermont, maybe.

    • Generation[redacted]

      When does the Seasteading Institute hold its primary?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      It wouldn't surprise me to see Ron Paul (L/Mars) decide that the Repubelicans don't want him and yield to pressure to run as a true Libertarian, believing that the youngs (anti-wars, pro-legalization) and the olds (tax policy and "He's one of us!") will support him. If that happens, the fun will really begin.

      • Biff

        I would pay money to see that, but I'm afraid it won't happen.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Andrew Breitbart looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway, … someone get him a hotel room.

    …. and leave Wilson alone.

  • arihaya

    clearly, Santorum victories are just evil liberal media's plot to have headlines full of puns and innuendos

  • lochnessmonster

    WINNING!

  • Redhead

    "Ron Paul is a distant second place"

    I feel like I'm in that dumb groundhog day movie that Comedy Central likes to show so much, except instead of groundhog day, it's April Fools Day that keeps repeating.

  • LiveToServeYa

    This is what comes of relying exclusively on Magic Underpants to protect you from Santorum.

    • ThundercatHo

      Mitt's gonna need astronaut magic underpants.

      • LiveToServeYa

        Actually, I am positive Mitt's underpants aren't magic, but merely 'novel'.

  • freddymcmurray

    LOL MO. It really is Dumbfuckistan.

  • finallyhappy

    shit no, I am trying to be a volunteer there but maybe we can just do the whole thing on line- then I don't have to drive 40 miles back and forth each day

  • BlueStateLibel

    Mittens is right now experiencing that awful sinking feeling experienced by each of the workers' whose jobs he trashed. Karma she is the bitch.

  • Terry

    I have a theory that the RNC has basically conceded the upcoming President election to Obama. They're running their fringey candidates that the GOP hierarchy doesn't care about so that the candidates they're banking on in the future don't get tarnished in this whole primary and general election process.

    • paris biltong

      Which is why we should pay attention to the ones who aren't running and will not be past their use-by date in 2016. Unless one of this clowns rises, phoenix-like, from his ashes.

    • Negropolis

      I think at the very most they are hoping that Romney will keep them the House and hope that he wins him the Senate.

    • widestanceshakedown

      I wondered about this in '08, too, and it seems all the more plausible this time.

    • lulzmonger

      Strongly agree.

      John "Wet-Start" McCain sure the hell wasn't their best candidate in 2008 – ironically, it was Rmoney – but they chose him anyway, & let him pick a deranged dipshit to be one weak heartbeat away from the launch codes to boot … & his campaign was such a joke that even a Mondale/Manson ticket could've beat him like a drum.

      It's a routine by now: GOP burns shit down, Dems fix it up, GOP then either takes credit for it or exploits the pain of belt-tightening to replace them, lather, rinse, repeat … only they fucked eveerything up a bit TOO good in '08, so they can't settle for one "D" term like they did with Carter.

  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    Santorum: *the* choice for non-binding show primaries.

  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    What a shitstorm!

  • SolitaireRose

    Imagine how happy Man-on-Dog would be if his victory meant he got anything other than a few off handed attack ads from Dog-On-Car.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    This is all because of the black man's abortion-care, right?

  • ElPinche

    I hope Ricky sends his whole family out at the press conference when he loses. We need a new updated pic of his sobbing family.

    • DaRooster

      You mean those poor kids haven't jumped off a bridge yet?

      • widestanceshakedown

        We are owed several tell-all books first.

      • ElPinche

        I'm wouldn't be surprised if the authorities found Ricky Jr.s bone garden in the mansion's crawlspace.

  • SorosBot

    Can I have a brokered convention please?

    • Negropolis

      Say it in lolspeak, pleaze.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Step away from the marshmallow cannon, sir.

  • DahBoner

    Ricky don't lose that wetmop…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I was raised a Fundie Black Baptist; I don't understand the hold Catholicism has on people raised in it. I've been approached at moments of grief in hospitals by priests who wanted to provide our family some kind of comfort; they seemed like lame, ineffectual, low-testosterone old men who have no fucking idea what it even means to live with a woman and emotionally support a family, so thanks, no.

    • Negropolis

      Daddy's family was a Catholic (altar boy and the whole nine), and I've found a major factor in the hold is its millenia and then some of unbroken history, culture, overwhelming size, and claim to being the "first" that seems to pull out a kind of reverence from its followers. It just goes back seemingly forever in an overwhelming way for those that follow it. It like the original franchise that made it big; the McDonald's or GM of denominations. It's why they are running teleivison commercials telling other Christians (and lapsed Catholics) to "come home."

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "Pray, pay, and obey" has a certain appeal to those who desire absolute certainty. Of course the only certainty is the guarantee that one of your priests has been enjoying the altar boys. But ignoring that, where else can you get holy water?

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's the hats. The pope rocks those hats.

      • cheetojeebus

        and bad ass slippers. Silk mutha fuckin slippers.

    • Barbakate

      My mom’s Southern Baptist and my dad’s Catholic. When I was about 6 we were visiting her parents and they insisted on bringing me to church with them as I was “old enough now.” I came home terrified and told my dad that we were all going to hell, and there was nothing I could do about it. He patted me on the head and replied “we’re Catholic. We just say we’re sorry and everything’s fine.”

      That always kind of summed it up for me.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    So in all those Tweety MSNBC promos, the "sacrifice" he's talking about is giving up birth control?

    • SorosBot

      He's always been pretty willing to throw women under the bus; that's part of the reason I can't stand the guy.

      • ThundercatHo

        I missed this somehow. Who is Tweety?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          It's the perennial nickname for Chris Matthews.

          • SorosBot

            I'm not even sure where the name comes from. but I've seen tons of bloggers use it.

            He also throws a lot of sexist insults towards women, and seems to worship the form of bipartisanship and compromise that's basically the Democrats capitulating to the Republicans.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            He also likes to indulge his inner/outer "white working class ethnically resentful factory worker" ad nauseum.

          • lulzmonger

            "Tweety" refers to the resemblance of his enormous yellow head to Tweety Bird in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

  • ghblowhard

    This is the most funnest POTUS election in decades

    • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

      This primary season the Rs are truly playing Russian roulette with an automatic. The only problem is that they keep shooting themselves in the head and there's nothing up there to hurt.

  • OKthennext

    Republican primary voters, WhatTheF-ingFuck!!!!?!!##

    I'm frightened. Please hold me.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Can you blame the South for surging with Santorum? They had their rights taken away in 1964, they don't want it to happen again!

  • hagajim

    Ought to be interesting to see how a Santorum run plays out at fudge, I mean CPAC.

  • notreelyhelping

    The winner of all these primaries has been "None of the Above." And NOTA might just win the nomination.

  • lulzmonger

    Launch the ROFLcopters!

    Free Santorum Jelly for everyone!

    The GOP: Fail Today, Fail Tomorrow, Fail Forever.

  • ttommyunger

    So the unlikeable fuckwit who can't even win in his home State wins in various states populated mostly by unlikeable fuckwits. This says something about these States and I don't have a good feeling about it.

  • MLite

    MAY THE FROTH BE WITH YOU!!!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    the delusional wins out against the meglomaniac, Thurston Howell the III, and the angry old man who chases kids off his lawn, did I get that right?

  • Geminisunmars

    Delicious

  • Radiotherapy

    Appleknocker!

  • Biff

    I figured as long as we're celebrating a non-Morrmon winning the evening, we could have a little bubbly, ya know?