frothy victory

Santorumemtum! Weird Rick Wins Missouri, Minnesota & Colorado!

Sweater vests for some, abortion for everyone else!Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so!

Obama just watches the tv all the time and laughs.Screengrab via Wonkette operative “Rod T.”

Missouri somehow has more delegates than Florida — because Florida’s GOP pissed away half its delegates in order to have an earlier primary, to benefit tourism or something? They’ve got that new Harry Potter ride down at the theme park.

Rick Santorum is currently killing in the Minnesota and Colorado results — in Minnesota, Ron Paul is a distant second place, and Romney’s at 17%, hahahaha. What is happening? Will the Republican Party finally self-destruct for the amusement of everyone sane on Earth? Were the Mayans talking about the GOP all this time?

Related video

Rick Santorum was poised for a breakthrough night on Tuesday in three contests that could provide a boost to the former Pennsylvania senator’s efforts to slow Mitt Romney’s march to the Republican presidential nomination.

We will either update this post, or perhaps because “Newell got out of bed,” we will have a new post, with LIVEBLOGGING? Text #NEWELLCOMEON using your Android pro-life phone and let’s see what happens. [Washington Post]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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502 comments

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Two words, containing exactly one "L".

        That is all you need to know about Minnesota Republicans. If you ever find a sane one, they are simply too drunk to make it to the polls.

        1. BearNoLike

          I just keep regretting not going to campaign for Tinklenberg. If Glowing Eyes Bonkers Lady would have lost, this thread might not even exist.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, never thought I'd say this but the Santorum is spreading and Little Ricky seems to have come from behind with a big SPLASH!

      …and this just in from HuffPost, "Romney ass-ails Santorum"

  1. PuckStopsHere

    The take-away here is that in some states Mittens can't beat a bucket full of the sometimes frothy, usually slimy, amalgam of lubricant, stray fecal matter, and ejaculate that leaks out of the receiving partner's anus after a session of anal intercourse. Thank you.

    1. OzoneTom

      "a session of anal intercourse" — tonight that should be "multiple sessions"…

      Waiting for Governor Rmoney team's poz-itive spin on his performance viz-a-viz Senator Santorum.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        No shit, often when I say "Fuck it" to myself it's this whole damn phrase that repeats in my head.

        1. Crank_Tango

          I have picked up one from a british friend that goes "fuck it, i'll wear me jeans," which is even better when pronounced "fook it."

    1. Mahousu

      They are doing it over again – well, Missouri, at least. This Missouri primary only happened because they screwed up and didn't get it canceled in time.

      Same thing with the whole 2012 GOP nomination campaign, of course.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Those Republicants and their confusing rulz. They should do primaries as Pittsburgh does: the Democratic mayor tells you who to vote for and you vote for him/her. And if you forget, they'll cast your ballot for you.

        1. finallyhappy

          I remember that from when Frank Rizzo was mayor of Philly- so nice to see tradition carried on in other places and other times

  2. Jaded[redacted]

    This whole states' election-date pissing contest is hurting what's left of my gin-soaked brain.

  3. HalluxValgus

    I'd love to see the Colorado Springs numbers for Santorum. Home of Focus on the Family and horrible Doug Lamborn. C'mon, Newell! "NEWELLCOMEON

    sent from my whatever the hell

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Who does Ted Haggard support, swaying the crucial closeted meth-snorting fundy constituency (about 60% of CS goopers, as far as I can tell)?

      1. Negropolis

        Haven't you heard? Ted Haggard is for civil unions, now (I think), so that pretty rules out everyone except that heathen(ish?) Ron Paul.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Well, let's hope he doesn't start cross-dressing like him. And either way, Wolf is one banal, boring fuck.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        Man, that is such the truth. If I fancy a nap in the afternoon I stick on Lobo and his Tedium Report or whatever it is an I'm out like a light.

      2. lulzmonger

        I was thinking human ipecac, but that's more Gingrich, I suppose.
        Gotta give some love up for yer OBAMA CAME avatar.

    1. CapnFatback

      Aaaaannnd the COMEONNEWELL hash tag takes me places I'm just not comfortable going without a miner's helmet and a pickaxe.

  4. memzilla

    This is all a lamestream media plot to keep using a variant of the now-classic "Santorum Surge" headline. And if we Wonkeratti could do it, we would!

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Yeah, and Tim Pawlenty would have had time to develop a personality by now. Hey, it's not like Mitt has one and he's still in.

    1. soeoho

      Ya but ya know that if they was like the winners and went a huntin' together well we'd have to know the 3rd one in succession for our fearless leader.

    2. Ruhe

      Perhaps by inauguration day Dick's evil intellect could be transferred to an iPad that Sarah could just carry around with her.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        "Siri, how can I win reelection?"
        "I found 7 countries to invade, 2 of them quite close to you."

      1. littlebigdaddy

        Except for Boulder, Denver, Aspen…hey it's not crackerland at all! We do have a lot of rednecks, but not to the degree that would even be noticed in, say, Oklahoma. The greatest blot is Colorado Springs, where the crazy fundies started moving to in the 80s.

        1. Geminisunmars

          Also, I heard that in many locales the Repubs stayed away in droves, not wanting to vote for any of 'em, so only the staunchest of Santorum staunchers showed up. And the rest went "meh".

  5. YeOldeFapSmith

    Oh I'm not drunk enough for this. It's time to break out the peach flavored Andre and hobo beans in celebration.

          1. C_R_Eature

            That was just So Fine. Vigorously Upfisted!

            Jeeze, these Zappa freaks are everywhere, like Pods…

    1. littlebigdaddy

      I am honestly not drunk enough to be at the level of intelligence required to understand the whole gooper thing. Anyway, we like it better when you do it.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Since the Republican are going to go for at least a few months, does that mean Ken doesn't have to pay anyone? Or do you all get combat pay now?

  6. FakaktaSouth

    Of all the santorums, I think break-thru santorum is the messiest. I also want to say that I cannot fucking wait to see what happens down here where the sidewalk ends. Mitt is gonna HATE the dirty, dirty south. Clusterfucktastic.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I can't wait to see him interact with real live redneckistanis. What WILL they get him to say next?

      1. FakaktaSouth

        It will be something racist and it will be terrible. He can't help but say what they tell him to say and Newt is going to push him off the cliff.

        1. littlebigdaddy

          For instance, that it was a mistake for the ICC to forcibly integrate bus stations in 1963. Cuz now, you got no bus stations in many shithole southern towns. (Honey, I have been there), See, perfectly logical, free market solutions. Black people could have invested in their own bus stations, ya know.

          1. Jukesgrrl

            I'm sure that's what Rand Paul would say. Handicapped people should also build their own wheelchair ramps. And women should be happy to make 10 cents on the dollar compared to men because their salary is just used for household incidentals.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      No shit. I'm looking forward to it. And with only Paul & Romney on the ballot here in VA? It won't be much of a clusterfuck but it'll bring out all the Paulites, which will be entertaining.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Ron Paul was in second in West Alabamastan at the straw poll, like 5 months ago. The guntoting potsmoking for-real-necks love that guy. RomRomRom will be devoured by Newt's Taxachussetts Liberal schtick and I guess Santorum's the "legit" Christer. It is going to be a blood bath. I enjoy nothing more than watching these people eat their own, but I am a tidge concerned about the potential number of ads the "carpet bombing" Romster may bestow upon the great unwashed m'asses down here.

        1. prommie

          Papist Christers are considered legit now? I guess if you worship the fetus and hate the gays, thats all that matters anymore, so what if you think salvation comes from faith AND works and worship the pope.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Not legit, "legit" – ie not the one who's a culty mormon, a cunty thrice marrier or an old coot who doesn't talk about religion much. And clusterfucks are more than a fingerbang, less than an Eiffel Tower. It's all about having the right amount of Santorum.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      A pet peeve of mine: rednecks in various states proclaim a pronunciation of the state's name, which our under-educated media drones accept. They do not say Missoura in St. Louis. Likewise, being a Spanish name, Nevada should always be pronounced "nevahda." And Alabama should be pronounced "santorum."

          1. Negropolis

            You know who ELSE pronounced words according to the Austrian School?

            Fuck it; that was way too easy. lol

      1. Negropolis

        Actually, the media has been annoyingly noting that the state has two names depending on where in the state you are. It's practically the only thing the talking heads know about the state. I can't tell you how many times I've heard Chuck Todd's hollow laughter when he talks to people about Missouri and brings up the two different names.

        1. UnholyMoses

          People north of, say, Lake of the Ozarks and/or those with a college education call it "Missour-ee."

          The rednecks are the ones who pronounce it wrong.

  7. chascates

    Nate Silver was predicting Newt would win Ohio, but just barely. That may change now. By Super Tuesday we may see the end of Santorum and Gingrich. Ron Paul is like bad luggage, you can never get rid of it.

    CNN now has Santorum & Mittens at 37% each in Colorado, Newt at 17% and the Doctor at 9%.

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    I haven't wanted Santorum to get this far, because of his ideas. But now I'm ready for him to bitch-slap Romney and win the nom. I am so fucking ready for Barry to kick his ass with science.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I know Bammers has a shitload of money for his reelection campaign. But I don't think they have to spend one cent of it, at this point. If Romney gets the nom, they might have to spend a couple of hundred greenbacks, tops.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        They might actually donate money TO Mittens. He is so bad that the more people get to know him, the more they dislike him. See the recent WaPo/Kaplan polls.

        1. DarwinianDemon

          Yeah but you'll never lose money overestimating the stupidity and greediness of Republicans. My Republican bosses would vote for a sponge with a flag pin for a 2% tax decrease.

      1. hollywooddood

        So that's what that Oklahoma politician was talking about banning fetuses in food.

        I do like a little feta on my salad, though.

  9. Baconzgood

    The truly funny thing is that Santorum will get shellacked in my/sorta his home state of PA. Yeah we Pennsyltuckians are dumb enough to elect him to the Senate but we're not THAT fucking dumb. Once bitten twice shy (really like 4 times shy).

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Lois Lane, at your service. As we say on The Wonket, "I was a journalism major in college, so I have every reason to believe my research is accurate."

          1. C_R_Eature

            Thank you. I have my standards also and I refuse to look at photos of Jan Brewer.

            Stick Figures will suffice.

  10. Limeylizzie

    OT if I have to listen to one more pasty-faced, Catholic , male pundit yammering on about contraception I shall vomit.

    1. chascates

      They're so opposed to abortion and birth control you'd think they'd be all in favor of giving out those date rape drugs for free.

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      I agree. If I hear one more pundit whining about how persecuted the Catholics are because of this… When I hear it, I just think two words: 'child rape'. I know this makes them feel superior because they can claim to be victims now … instead of 7 year old altar boys.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        And poll after polls shows that the number of American Catholic women who currently use, or have used, birth control is more than 90%. Nearly as high a number as the general public. And those are the ones who ADMIT IT.

        Which leads me to believe these Catholic pundits are either dupes or have never done it with a woman.

        1. SorosBot

          Or they have some weird pregnancy fetish that actually kills their boner when a girl that looks like a chunky Reese Witherspoon tells them she's on the pill.

    3. DarwinianDemon

      Yep. EJ Dionne and Chris Matthews made me want to puke with their cries of persecution from Obama. Please to leave faux persecution to RW, guys…

    4. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Come now lass. If God had meant for you to understand and control your body, why would he have placed men on this planet?

    5. Negropolis

      I can't tell you how much I'm in agreement, and I'm a dude.

      Rachel kind of did the issue justice, tonight. All the guys are talking about how this is horrible politics, and basically concern-trolling the issue to death while the actual issue gets lost. They talk about contraception as if it where some kind of thing that can be sacrificed, as if they were talking about a steak, or something.

      The issue is rather straight-foward: You take government money, you abide by the rules. Don't like it? Don't apply for government funding. Better yet, they are making an issue of something that's not really an issue. Nothing but a vocal minority of Americans are crazy enough that they still believe birth control is "controversial," so why the fuck is the media entertaining this as if it's some major cultural or policy change?

      This is one issue where the church heirarchy is totally out of touch with reality. Their own congregations roll their eyes at this bullshit, yet Tweety & Co. are pretending this is some kind of controversy. Fuck the church. All of them, Katie. Really.

      1. finallyhappy

        The major media is just a big TMZ show but not as entertaining. They are all whores as far as I am concerned.

  11. Dudleydidwrong

    This is like one of those football games where it seems as if neither team wants to win. In this case none of the idjits running should win 'cause they're all egotistical asshole clowns.

    Cheney/Bush 2012

  12. chascates

    The next intern/editor should be located in Hawaii or Guam to allow for all-night updates.

    Ken, if you can get me a small mobile home in New Zealand on a couple of acres I'm your late night whatchamacallit!!!

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Rick Santorum…good God. Even Ronnie is turning over in his grave now that this is what the Republican party has turned into.

  14. pinkocommi

    It is shit like this that makes me feel that I do not know, like, understand, respect, or have anything in common with at least half of my fellow Americans.

  15. Tundra Grifter

    Didn't I read (or hear) that these contests don't actually allocate delegates – they are "beauty contests?"

    Apparently the GNoPee candidates have so little actual work to do they now are running in different states just for the heck of it. And, in the case of Mittens and Ole Newt, perhaps just from habit.

    If this is true – the no delegates thing, I mean – then poor Ricky can't win even when he wins. Remarkable…

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working.

      –Douglas Adams

    2. paris biltong

      You've been away too long, Jim. His role is to serve as the main source of scatological comic relief here at Wonkette.

  16. C_R_Eature

    So…did we decide to call Santorum Voters Frothtards, Lubertarians or Frothtard-Lubertarians?

    I forget.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I think I like 'em all. Interchangeably. But I really like Lubertarians for Ron Paul!

        We need signs.

          1. C_R_Eature

            That's it! All we need is a Gila Monster** puppet as a stand-in for Brewer and we're all set!

            **No need to Frighten the Children, after all.

          2. finallyhappy

            I can make really crappy sock puppets- I have the buttons, the felt(for the mouth), yarn for the hair and quite a few worn,greyish crew socks. I am ready!!

      1. C_R_Eature

        *Snicker* Just how in hell did someone so dour and humorless get to be the generator of so many hilarious jokes?

  17. C_R_Eature

    I hope the Advanced Alien Civilizations have their giant Radio Telescopes pointed in some other direction tonight.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      "Well, they were interesting for awhile…but it's time to find real intelligence in the universe now…"

  18. Texan_Bulldog

    Oh, and while these yahoos are battling to be the most anti-science/woman and common sense candidates, Barry is actually dealing with Syria and the Israel/Iran issue. Do you think Ricky even knows where the fuck Syria is since Jesus wasn't born there?

    1. BearNoLike

      In futura apocolipta, where only masons survive, the plumber ends up the brain surgeon. So Santorum Syrian FP would be something like Alawite are all right cuz they must be all white! Syrian reminds me of fire engines cuz they have sirens like 9-11, so don't gay!

    2. Angry_Marmot

      He's heard of it at least once a year, since the Roman governor of Syria is mentioned to set the date of the Nativity. But there's nothing in Lubetube's record to suggest he's thought about it much, since it throws off everyone's calendar and suggests that one of the gospel writers made a mista– Support for Israel! Protect the Unborn!

  19. ttommyunger

    J C Christ on a cracker! If Little Ricky was in the (shudder) W. H. we would again for the first time since Lady Bird Johnson have a genuine Butt-Ugly First Lady. Not just ugly, not just plain (I'm talkin to you, Laura) but Butt Ugly. So there's that…

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            I yield to no man in my lifelong hatred of Reagan and zombie Reagan, but thirty years ago, Nancy was a fairly nice looking old lady.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    I found this on a story from "The Ticket:"

    "Missouri, where Newt Gingrich was not able to secure a spot on the ballot, is an entirely different story, and a messier one. By state law, Missouri must hold its primary on a particular date in February. But this year, the national Republican Party mandated that–with the exception of four states that were allowed to vote in February–all others must hold their election in March or later. Yet the Missouri legislature was not able to pass a law changing the primary date, so the state held the election anyway. "

    These jokers think they are going to beat Mr. Obama, the sitting President of these United States of America, in November?

    What a clusterfuck!

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Hey good to see ya Newt — it's us, America's conservatives. Hey, we've got something to tell you. We're ditching you for a younger, prettier conservative who we hear is just totally meshuggah in the sack. Yeah. You know him, in fact — it's that guy Santorum. Yes, exactly — the one you were saying should bow out because he was standing in the way of you getting the conservative nomination. That one.

    Anyway, just thought I should give you the bad news in person. I'll just leave these here for you to sign on the table. Oh — and glad to see you made it through the surgery. Peace.

    1. Negropolis

      Somehw, in this day and age, I have the feeling that he'd serve the divorce papers via a Twitter attachment.

    2. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Do you think there is a way to get that beautiful piece of mockery in front of Newt's eyeballs? I’d love to watch his veins bulge as he read it. Well done!

  22. SudsMcKenzie

    Gee, I wonder how "America's Bertesgarten" Colorado Spri ….

    Say, … you know who Else held out high in the mountains?

      1. Limeylizzie

        We had lunch with a friend of ours yesterday who knows someone who knows the person that does the Donald's hair! He said that the hair comes from India and is bleached , dyed and glued to the Donald's head in individual strands and has to be done about every 4 days.

        1. ThundercatHo

          Srsly? What a cramp that would be. Ya know, most of the time toupes are laughable but Burt Reynolds looked ok in his. Bald men can be sexy too (Patrick Stewart!) but Donald the Dbag isn't even the same species.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        well I do think it makes Willard look scarier than normal, as it should…most ignorant Repugnants see a perpetually tan, ruggedly good lookin' Moron man (with the requisite graying temple even!) who seems kinda nice and mostly harmless, and he's RICH which is EVERY blue collar, white trash Repiglicker's wet dream! So if 'Shoppin' his photo makes Willard look like the soulless, heartless, greedy, 'vulture capitalist' asshole the he REALLY then I'm OK with that! oh, and did I mention Willard's a Moron? sweet holy jeebus how could ANY good 'Christian' vote for an idiot who buys that streamin' pile o' crap called Moronism that infamous snake oil salesman Joe Smith was sellin' 175 years ago…I mean you'd have to be INSANE to believe any of that shit, amirite?

        1. MittBorg

          I've been reading exmo lately, and it is a fucking EDUCATION. These people are trained into a Borg (they call it Morg)-like automatic obedience to authority from day one. They are taught NEVER to question ANYTHING their religious authorities say, no matter how ludicrous, and to give automatic allegiance and obedience to anything coming out of the corporation that calls itself their church. They're required to tell the church how much they make, to give a minimum of 10%, and NEVER to question where that money goes. Their church can audit their books any time. And the church is most famous for its MLM schemes. My word, it makes your head spin.

          You're not an exmo, are you? (eyes D_J with suspicion)

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You have to love it. For the last year if you listen to the Conservative Talk Machine, they kept going on about how Obama would run the dirtiest campaign in history. That is going to be a hard argument to make now.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Black guy in White House. They're running around in panic at this point, the world refuses to stand still for them, they're just picking up different things and putting them down again, and, from what I gather from the demographics revealed by ads on AM talk radio, their prostates no longer work, they owe more than 10k on credit cards, more than 20k to the IRS, are having child custody issues and need to buy gold.

      1. Steverino247

        Well, I know why they're having child custody issues. They're assholes who can't parent and they resent paying child support.

  23. Fukui_sanYesOta

    These Minnesota results are superb. Ron Paul in second place? Newt last?

    There's a hotel room somewhere where a stay-puft marshmallow-amphibian is yelling "REAGAN!" and beating his weird puffy little fists on a desk.

  24. Negropolis

    And, here is Mitt Romney laying into the president, again, and looking as stupid as evah doing it, and after losing possibly three contests in one night, no lss. He just looks and sounds so stupid when he talks about the president. Mitt is the definition of the word loser. All that fuckin' money, and no class. Not even an iota.

    1. Negropolis

      BTW, can I just say how much I despise Ari Fleicher of however the fuck you spell his a name? I hated him during the Bush administration, but he's even more smug as a pundit.

      I love how all of the CNN creeps are eating their own, tonight. They didn't see this coming, and they are trying to figure it out, and they are all but calling each other "dumb bitches" and it's a beautiful thing.

      Operation Chaos is in full swing, now.

      1. ThundercatHo

        OT but did you see yesterday's list of the top 10 most miserable cities? Detroit got the #2 spot (guess they didn't see the Clint Eastwood commercial) and Toledo was #8.

        1. Negropolis

          It was released last week, but yeah, it's a Forbes list, so…fuck 'em. They had Gary, IN at number 20. Gary-'effin-Indiana; a town so declined that it makes Detroit look like Paris, a town even the folks of Flint pity.

  25. io9k9s

    The goons around Mitt are not secret service – seriously – wtf is mitt trying to pull? And someone needs to call Mitt out on the staged glitter bombattempt in Colorado….

      1. io9k9s

        There may be secret servce somewhere assigned to his campaign – but those guys, they are direct from central casting.. paging Officer Farva…

  26. littlebigdaddy

    In the WaPo test prep newsletter they said "Santorum can go full course." So I guess there's a new strain out there or something.

  27. C_R_Eature

    Midnight on the East Coast, Rachel Maddow's still on, reviewing the election results and She is Cranked.

    1. bagofmice

      The thing about msnbc is that their web page is set up to deliver content on a TV schedule, program schedule, and they delay content on an Internet schedule, so that if you are on the west coast you get blacked out of legal streaming. How am I supposed to keep track with the Internet ? Seriously.

      Just lose the tv pretense and stream content as it occurs. Do you really think that the people who invented your iPad are content to wait three hours to join in on the conversation that started three hours ago without firsthand knowledge? Time is time, mofos!

  28. WhatTheHeck

    Indecision 2012.

    The republicans are going to bed tonight thinking “what the fuck. 4 more years of Obama.”

    1. io9k9s

      OT – we got some kittens last year, one is over the top Nermal cute – anyway every time she gets all crazy I call her fuflans. Up until a month or so ago I could not figure out why she gave me fuflans tourettes- or where the hell that nickname came from…. anyway i crack up evertime i see your screen name…. Your kitty rocks.

      1. fuflans

        oh thank you.

        my fuflans is named after the etruscan god of wine (b/c, why not?). it is a pleasing name.

        sadly, we lost that boy back in 2008 (one of the hardest ever – he was my alpha male and we had a total bond and he was v v young – liver cancer. ugh.). we still have his brother who looks nothing like him and another who's a bit of a spiritual heir (HUGE fluffy black maine coon), but that was a tough one.

        thanks for noticing him.

  29. Negropolis

    CNN is fucking ridiculous. Anderson asking a reporter in an empty room "how is the mood?" And, Wolf with his annoying hyperbole. I hear "game-changer" one more time…

    Rick SanScrotum FTW!

        1. Negropolis

          It was a morbid curiosity, that's for damned sure. They were all tearing each other apart and doing everything short of rending their garments at the thought that all of their technology meant fuck-all when it came down to it.

    1. iburl

      Wolf now has hairpieces, love threesomes, wears women's lingerie, engages in sex biting, and has brokered guilty pleas on forcible sodomy and sexual assault charges? I knew it!

  30. Fukui_sanYesOta

    They're freaking the fuck out over at Free Republic and calling each other's favourite candidates RINOs left and right. Well, apart from the Paultards. Even the Freepers think the Paultards are just fuckwits.

    Santorum's a RINO!

    No, you backdoor Mitt fan, he's God's candidate! Mittens is a RINO!

    You're both wrong and RINOs! Real conservatives vote Newt!

    It's a beautiful thing.

    1. not that Dewey

      How do you guys articles on that site? Looking for a specific article is like looking for a hair in a carpet.

  31. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, I think the only way this could get better is if Sarah Palin announced that she is jumping into the race because she is sure it is going to the convention.

  32. Extemporanus

    "Santorum is the Republican party's flavor of the month."

    - Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak, earlier tonight on The Ed Show

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      HAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA

      It just doesn't get much better as a liberal than watching this huge meltdown clusterfuck which is the Republican primary season.

      Of course, watching the wailing and squealing when Bammaz wins term two will be even sweeter.

    2. flamingpdog

      DId the major networks call it? The local press hasn't called it yet, although the biggest bunch of votes that haven't been tallied are from El Paso County, home of Christorado Springs, which most likely will go frothy.

      Never mind, they just called it for Santorum here.

  33. Steverino247

    This just in. With 100% of the vote in Missouri, Santorum takes every single county. 57% to 26% to 12%.

    hahahahahahaahahaha!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Santorum blankets Missouri. Geeze, it all comes out so smooth and easy. Oh shit. No, stopstopstop, dammit.

  34. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Say what you will about Gore, Kerry or even McCain, I don't think that over half their party hated them. Hell, I think only a third of Republicans hated McCain.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      nah – a mass mescaline-dose would've given the MN vote to Mpls mayor Rybak – no, this GOoPer political death-trip is fueled by Chantix (frantic dreams, increased hostility, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts) and Devil ether ("There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge").

  35. Steverino247

    CO's GOP chair is quoted by TPM as saying Santorum carried Colorado.

    (Wait, shouldn't that be Colorado swept away by flood of santorum?)

  36. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Teh Catholics (or, at least, some spaz writing for catholic.org) have come out in favour of the Rickster.

    Some great quotes

    He made an important point, when the Government purports to give us "rights' it always takes away our freedom.

    The political "left" knows that Rick Santorum is a formidable candidate from a working class family. Further, as his recent debate performances have demonstrated more than the speech this evening, they also know he is a formidable communicator and does not need a teleprompter.

    They want to paint the Republican Party as the party of the "1%" which does not care about the rest of America. I know it's contrived. I know it is class warfare. I know it is wrong. However, it is working. A nominee like Rick Santorum blows the whole effort out of the water. The fall campaign would actually revolve around issues and not nonsense. On that playing field, there is no doubt who will win.

    … yeah, Barack Hussein Obama.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      "The fall campaign would actually revolve around issues and not nonsense."

      It would revolve around his four favorite issues (gays, guns, taxes, and lady-parts) and ignore the other 1004 that are just as important but he is clueless about.

      1. Biff

        ignore the other 1004 that are just as important but he is clueless about.

        ignore the other 1004 that are just as important but he is alsoclueless about.
        there.

    2. Negropolis

      Yeah, good luck with that, Catholic Church.

      Issues not nonsense, my ass. This is coming from an organization that on this very day is in 2012 still fighting a war against basic family planning. It's time to end this shit. I'm hoping 2012 will do that. You will not prevent the rest of us from reaching the 21st Cenutry.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        Ah, the Catholic Church. Currently having a symposium on pedophilia in the church in which members are urged to trust victims over priests.

        Monsignor Stephen Rossetti, a psychologist who for a decade ran a U.S. treatment center for abusive priests, told the conference Tuesday that just like alcoholics or drug addicts, sexually abusive priests often lie when confronted with allegations. They manipulate, they con, they deny, he said.

        I nominate this for an Ig Nobel.

        "There are false allegations to be sure" and it's critical to restore a priest's good name when he has been cleared, Rossetti said in his prepared remarks. "But decades of experience tell us that the vast majority of allegations — over 95 percent — are founded." (emphasis mine)

        95%. 95% of allegations found to be true.

        Fuck you, Catholic Church.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      Oh, stupid Catholic person, fuck your teleprompter snide. And, BTW, the Frothster comes not just from a working-class family, but from a Communist family.

  37. flamingpdog

    From the Square State: ♫ For purple mountains' majesty, above the fruited frothy plains. ♫

  38. Callyson

    Now, while I despise Santorum, this does please me: the Reeps cannot coalesce around a single candidate to save their lives. They clearly don't like *any* of their candidates much…
    …which, I guess, gives me one thing in common with them…

    1. DarwinianDemon

      It's even better than that…Republicans are desperately saying "bbb….but HIll and Bamz were still duking it out this time in 2008" Ahh, yes, but it was either or. Here it's Santorum, then Romney, then Newt, then Romney, Then Santorum!

      1. Negropolis

        It wasn't just that it was either/or. Democrats loved both of their candidates. We didn't feel that we were settling if either of the two historic candidates had won. Hillary running until the very end ended up growing the party. Both were regularly bringing in crowds numbering in the thousands. Sure, it was vitriolic, at times, but the air during the entire campaign was pratically electric.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I don't remember either one of them calling the other a liar or "dangerous for the country" on national television. The worst bombs I remember were thrown by Bill and even he calmed down by the convention.

  39. Negropolis

    One of these days, Paul has got to win something. I mean, with the way things are going with all of the rest of them winning at least one contest, they have got to let him in to the party.

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      I mistakenly thought Paul would win Nevada, what with all the mobbed-up regulation-averse pro-corporate "Adult Entertainment" executives in Vegas and the über-Libertarian gun-loving fiat-money-hating xenophobic white-supremacists survivalist hicks in the rest of the state (srsly, the locals on the way to Burning Man can be rather… colorful)

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Not enough of 'em. The vast majority of Nevadans are regular shlubs in and around Vegas. Also, I think the Nevada Republicans are still a little snake-bit from their fling with Angular Sharron.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      It wouldn't surprise me to see Ron Paul (L/Mars) decide that the Repubelicans don't want him and yield to pressure to run as a true Libertarian, believing that the youngs (anti-wars, pro-legalization) and the olds (tax policy and "He's one of us!") will support him. If that happens, the fun will really begin.

  40. SudsMcKenzie

    Andrew Breitbart looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway, … someone get him a hotel room.

    …. and leave Wilson alone.

  41. arihaya

    clearly, Santorum victories are just evil liberal media's plot to have headlines full of puns and innuendos

  42. Redhead

    "Ron Paul is a distant second place"

    I feel like I'm in that dumb groundhog day movie that Comedy Central likes to show so much, except instead of groundhog day, it's April Fools Day that keeps repeating.

  43. finallyhappy

    shit no, I am trying to be a volunteer there but maybe we can just do the whole thing on line- then I don't have to drive 40 miles back and forth each day

  44. BlueStateLibel

    Mittens is right now experiencing that awful sinking feeling experienced by each of the workers' whose jobs he trashed. Karma she is the bitch.

  45. Terry

    I have a theory that the RNC has basically conceded the upcoming President election to Obama. They're running their fringey candidates that the GOP hierarchy doesn't care about so that the candidates they're banking on in the future don't get tarnished in this whole primary and general election process.

    1. paris biltong

      Which is why we should pay attention to the ones who aren't running and will not be past their use-by date in 2016. Unless one of this clowns rises, phoenix-like, from his ashes.

    2. Negropolis

      I think at the very most they are hoping that Romney will keep them the House and hope that he wins him the Senate.

    3. lulzmonger

      Strongly agree.

      John "Wet-Start" McCain sure the hell wasn't their best candidate in 2008 – ironically, it was Rmoney – but they chose him anyway, & let him pick a deranged dipshit to be one weak heartbeat away from the launch codes to boot … & his campaign was such a joke that even a Mondale/Manson ticket could've beat him like a drum.

      It's a routine by now: GOP burns shit down, Dems fix it up, GOP then either takes credit for it or exploits the pain of belt-tightening to replace them, lather, rinse, repeat … only they fucked eveerything up a bit TOO good in '08, so they can't settle for one "D" term like they did with Carter.

  46. SolitaireRose

    Imagine how happy Man-on-Dog would be if his victory meant he got anything other than a few off handed attack ads from Dog-On-Car.

  47. ElPinche

    I hope Ricky sends his whole family out at the press conference when he loses. We need a new updated pic of his sobbing family.

  48. Chet Kincaid

    I was raised a Fundie Black Baptist; I don't understand the hold Catholicism has on people raised in it. I've been approached at moments of grief in hospitals by priests who wanted to provide our family some kind of comfort; they seemed like lame, ineffectual, low-testosterone old men who have no fucking idea what it even means to live with a woman and emotionally support a family, so thanks, no.

    1. Negropolis

      Daddy's family was a Catholic (altar boy and the whole nine), and I've found a major factor in the hold is its millenia and then some of unbroken history, culture, overwhelming size, and claim to being the "first" that seems to pull out a kind of reverence from its followers. It just goes back seemingly forever in an overwhelming way for those that follow it. It like the original franchise that made it big; the McDonald's or GM of denominations. It's why they are running teleivison commercials telling other Christians (and lapsed Catholics) to "come home."

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      "Pray, pay, and obey" has a certain appeal to those who desire absolute certainty. Of course the only certainty is the guarantee that one of your priests has been enjoying the altar boys. But ignoring that, where else can you get holy water?

    3. Barbakate

      My mom’s Southern Baptist and my dad’s Catholic. When I was about 6 we were visiting her parents and they insisted on bringing me to church with them as I was “old enough now.” I came home terrified and told my dad that we were all going to hell, and there was nothing I could do about it. He patted me on the head and replied “we’re Catholic. We just say we’re sorry and everything’s fine.”

      That always kind of summed it up for me.

    1. SorosBot

      He's always been pretty willing to throw women under the bus; that's part of the reason I can't stand the guy.

          1. SorosBot

            I'm not even sure where the name comes from. but I've seen tons of bloggers use it.

            He also throws a lot of sexist insults towards women, and seems to worship the form of bipartisanship and compromise that's basically the Democrats capitulating to the Republicans.

          2. lulzmonger

            "Tweety" refers to the resemblance of his enormous yellow head to Tweety Bird in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

    1. weej_bain

      This primary season the Rs are truly playing Russian roulette with an automatic. The only problem is that they keep shooting themselves in the head and there's nothing up there to hurt.

  49. Generation[redacted]

    Can you blame the South for surging with Santorum? They had their rights taken away in 1964, they don't want it to happen again!

  50. notreelyhelping

    The winner of all these primaries has been "None of the Above." And NOTA might just win the nomination.

  51. lulzmonger

    Launch the ROFLcopters!

    Free Santorum Jelly for everyone!

    The GOP: Fail Today, Fail Tomorrow, Fail Forever.

  52. ttommyunger

    So the unlikeable fuckwit who can't even win in his home State wins in various states populated mostly by unlikeable fuckwits. This says something about these States and I don't have a good feeling about it.

  53. BZ1

    the delusional wins out against the meglomaniac, Thurston Howell the III, and the angry old man who chases kids off his lawn, did I get that right?

  54. Biff

    I figured as long as we're celebrating a non-Morrmon winning the evening, we could have a little bubbly, ya know?

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