Sweater vests for some, abortion for everyone else!Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so!

Obama just watches the tv all the time and laughs.Screengrab via Wonkette operative “Rod T.”

Missouri somehow has more delegates than Florida — because Florida’s GOP pissed away half its delegates in order to have an earlier primary, to benefit tourism or something? They’ve got that new Harry Potter ride down at the theme park.

Rick Santorum is currently killing in the Minnesota and Colorado results — in Minnesota, Ron Paul is a distant second place, and Romney’s at 17%, hahahaha. What is happening? Will the Republican Party finally self-destruct for the amusement of everyone sane on Earth? Were the Mayans talking about the GOP all this time?

Rick Santorum was poised for a breakthrough night on Tuesday in three contests that could provide a boost to the former Pennsylvania senator’s efforts to slow Mitt Romney’s march to the Republican presidential nomination.

We will either update this post, or perhaps because “Newell got out of bed,” we will have a new post, with LIVEBLOGGING? Text #NEWELLCOMEON using your Android pro-life phone and let’s see what happens. [Washington Post]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleRick Santorum Is a Flaming Idiot From Space
Next articleTanning Machine Cancer Industry Sends Big Bucks To Boehner