The DC-area Occupy people, having been kicked out of their park this weekend, have a fun new thing in the works: Occupying CPAC. It’s just around the corner, so why not? According to the Occupiers’ website, they will “march to the Marriott” to “create as much non-violent resistance as possible, and make this a conference the attendees will never forget.” So they want pictures with Sarah Palin, got it. But what if this non-violent resistance descends into a bit of the ol’ Ultraviolence? That’s what’s going to happen, according to a hysterical pants-wetting Heritage Foundation blog post.

A nerd named Lachlan Markay at the Heritage Foundation’s blog, “Scribe,” has found a source who is probably just the guy sitting next to him. The source tells Markay that the occupiers are going to bomb Mitt Romney and everyone in attendance and then blow up the building with C4 and then nuke DC. And did you know that the Africkans will be involved?

During a Thursday meeting at McPherson Square, until Saturday the epicenter of the protests, Occupiers brainstormed tactics for shutting down or disrupting the conference, according to a source who was present at the meeting.

The protesters suggested pulling fire alarms in the hotel where the conference will take place, screaming “fire” during conference activities, “glitter-bombing” participants, cutting electrical power, and barricading entrances to the hotel, according to the source, who requested anonymity.

“Speakers will be physically assaulted, not just verbally confronted,” the source told Scribe in an email. Two Occupiers, who the source also identified as members of the New Black Panther Party, “said they would be disappointed if they didn’t get arrested and planned to ‘make it count.’”

This is a serious blog article.

“In order to avoid having to shower and dress in business attire to blend in,” Scribe’s source said, “they plan to wear Ron Paul 2012 gear because they believe Paul supporters ‘generally look like hippies.’”

Can’t wait! Just give us media wastrels a heads-up when you start beating the shit out of the candidates, please, Occupiers? We want the camera rolling, for journalism.

[Heritage Foundation, Occupy DC]

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  • Schmannnity

    Hey, if they let Riley in last year, I don't see why they need disguises.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Better go change your underpants, dude.

  • UnholyMoses

    So a bunch of people who hate the First Amendment (and the Fourth and Tenth, but love them some Second) are going to be "terrorized" by people using the First Amendment?

    That should end well.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get some popcorn …

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It won't be worth televising, if the Occupados don't show up to make it interesting. Otherwise, even the Fucks Gnus talking heads are gonna be bored with this garbagefest.

  • UnholyMoses

    Two Occupiers, who the source also identified as the only members of the New Black Panther Party …

    Fixxored for greatest mathematical accuracy!

    • littlebigdaddy

      I want to be a member!

      • UnholyMoses

        Well, per the GOP, if you're black — or even reasonably tan — you're already a member.

        But not in the same way 99% of Heritage Foundation hacks are "members." That's totes different.

        • Not_So_Much

          I like thinking of Boehner going to the meetings. But then, I guess he would qualify as unreasonably tan?

      • Eve8Apples

        Sign me up — Old, Albino Panther for New Black Panthers. I'll bring lots of sparkly glitter for bombing.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I was going to point out that they had to be off at least 50%, but you beat me to it fair and square.

  • If I were the Occupiers, I'd get my shots. You don't know what diseases those CPackers are, um, packing.

    • Crank_Tango

      All of 'em, Katie?

    • SorosBot

      And you definitely don't want to engage in the anonymous mens' room sex with a CPACer without protection.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Bedbugs, for sure – remember last year, the bedbug infestation at the Marriott was found post CPAC.

  • memzilla

    So now The Onion is mounting counterinsurgency operations?

    • tessiee

      They have a lot more time on their hands these days, since the Repukes made satire redundant.

  • chascates

    Our Lady of the Tundra is supposed to be the closing speaker at CPAC so can we please see some glitter-bombing? With real bombs?

    • OzoneTom

      I suspect that the vacuum in her head would suck up the force of the blast like the aliens did with the nukes in "Mars Attacks."

    • Eve8Apples

      That's why the electricity needs to be cut – We can't have the Frozen One screeching and squawking into a microphone.

    • neiltheblaze

      That's if she shows up.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        You think she'll quit half-way there?

        • neiltheblaze

          Kansas, probably. Missouri – tops.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

    • UnholyMoses

      Ya know, it used to be that every time I heard "Singing in the Rain," I'd think of Gene Kelly.

      Ever since I saw Clockwork Orange?

      Yeah … not so much.

    • finallyhappy

      so I met Malcolm McDowell and got him to sign a clockwork orange photo(ok, I had to pay).

    • chascates

      There will probably be much more of the old 'in-out' than any 'ultra violence'.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, I'm sure that's what Fox will be going on about, filthy hippies fucking in the dumpsters and such, especially if the u-v is started by CPAPs.

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, I can see how they can be afraid of violence, considering all the physical assaults carried out by the Occupy protesters.

    Oh wait, all those assaults were against the Occupy protesters, by cops. My bad!

    • GOPCrusher

      Yeah, I don't get that meme. Does anyone in America believe that the Occupy protesters are committing acts of violence on a daily basis?
      I mean other than your average Fox News viewer.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Which is, like, 80% of my coworkers and a fair number of facebook "friends."

        Yessir, they believe this shit totally.

        • SorosBot

          All they have to do is assert that they're violent, and people will believe it. Even though there has not been one act of physical violence by the Occupados against the general public; sadly the acts of physical violence that have occurred have been rapes of one protester by another.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    This sounds like a job for CPAC Super Hero Erik son of Erik.

    • terriblyfamous

      And his warhammer?

    • Nostrildamus

      He's donning his red, white and blue union suit as we speak.

  • chicken_thief

    "“Speakers will be physically assaulted, not just verbally confronted,” the source told Scribe in an email. "

    Let me guess – the source's account was Amirite?!

    • Nothingisamiss

      CPAC-ers are lining up by the men's rooms doors even as we speak……What? Not that kind of physical "assault?"

    • Loaded_Pants
  • Data Exactly

    "The protesters suggested pulling fire alarms in the hotel where the conference will take place, screaming “fire” during conference activities, “glitter-bombing” participants, cutting electrical power, and barricading entrances to the hotel"

    Oh goody! Reminds me of Home Alone 2 or the Elementary School in the Simpsons' episode where the teachers went on strike. But don't do it as any such Ron Paul supporters – that adds an unneeded racist newsletter tinge to it that's off the mark.

    • SorosBot

      What dangerous, violent people, with their plans to annoy the CPAC attendies!

    • Eve8Apples

      Those fools. I'm not planning to glitter bomb or scream fire. I'm going to TP the place, prank call the guest rooms and give all attendees wet willies and moon them.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Can you still jam hotel doors by hammering pennies between door and frame? Lay down glue traps outside elevator doors? Drive into the parking garage with a sack of potatoes? There's SO much fun to be had if you're in the pranking state of mind.

      • Data Exactly

        Oil Paint the windows of their hotel room so it looks like a deluge with some icebergs floating by and when they look out their window they'll panic and go "Ohh my f*cking GOODNESS! THEY WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!!!!"

  • Schmannnity

    Pepper spray in the fire sprinkler system before pulling those fire alarms.

  • terriblyfamous

    Everybody knows the Occupiers are only living in parks to avoid having to shower and wear business attire.

  • chitrade

    Wait, what? Bombings? Violence? Shit, if these folks bring GIANT PUPPETS, that's the closest they'll get to assault.

    What's with the pant-wetting foundation chump? Does he think by making up crazy shit he'll get "street cred" or whatever the wonder-bread conservative equivalent is?

    Duh. Of course he'll be getting the wonder-bread cred. It'll be thanks to the subsequent White Man Freakout that imaginary tragedy is averted, and he'll get his props.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Do the math:
    CPackers == Crackers.

  • Baconzgood

    "Srsly, are you buying this shit?"

    -Lachlan Markey at the Heritage Foundation-

  • PuckStopsHere

    I finally have to ask. Just what the fuck is a hippie, and what do they wear? Are they like beatniks? Or are they more like zoot-suiters? I'd check Wikepedia, but I don't trust it anymore after all of the misinformation they've been spreading about Newt Gingrich and his alleged proclivity to fuck women to whom he is not legally wed.

    • finallyhappy

      I was kind of a hippie in the 60's and now I am just hippy. I wear cotton crewneck sweaters, corduroy pants or jeans and sensible shoes(like Toms or Simple or Born).

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Well, here's a mock funeral for "Hippie" from 1967 San Francisco, similar events were held about the same time in other places, even in Milwaukee.

    • tessiee

      Come to Portland, Puck. You'll see so many hippies, you'll think you're at a Phish concert.

  • terriblyfamous

    Glitter bombs : Physical assaults :: Breast cancer screenings : Abortions.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Someone did well on their standardized tests.

  • Nostrildamus

    Occupidos: Please ask Mooselini to demonstrate her trademark anger bear victimhood.

    You'll be pleasantly surprised with the results!

  • edgydrifter

    Showers and business attire? Hell, you just excluded three quarters of the Tea Party and Joe the Plumber. Make sobriety mandatory, too, and it'll just be David Brooks and Turdblossom debating the merits of Team Jacob v. Team Edward in front of an audience of three representatives from the BYU College Republicans.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Does this mean more or less wide-stancing in the men's rooms this year?

  • widestanceshakedown

    Is this a gathering of "strong defense" conservatives or a Special Victim-hood Unit?

    In any case, it's gonna be wall-to-wall soiled pants while they all wait for Sarah to jump out of that cake (we like).

    • emmelemm

      Hee hee cakes we like!

  • SayItWithWookies

    This source also told the blogger that Saddam Hussein is hiding nerve gas canisters in wells all over the country.

  • bagofmice

    It would be amusing to dress up in a suit and livestream reactions as a representative of the abortionplex, using dog-whistles.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Maybe the abortionplex could have a vendor table set up at CPAC?

  • DaSandman

    I'm in.

    • UnholyMoses

      I would be, but I'm lactose intolerant …

  • bureaucrap

    Glitter-bombing CPAC would improve their aesthetic appeal enormously.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Glitter is good — someone should sneak in and replace the red, white and blue confetti. I think purple and pink, and maybe some day-glo green. (Hilarity ensues.)

  • sharethegrief

    I thought true Ron Paul supporters wore suspenders and yodeled.

    • At the University of Arizona, they are indistinguishable from engineering students.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Jim, it has come to my attention that since you returned to the Wonkets, Barb is not always around.
    Mere coincidence?

    But then I don’t always have the opportunity to hang out at Wonkette to see the ebb and flow.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Barb's ebbed and flowed to the doc to get some of her plumbing changed up. Don't tell the Komen Foundation, but she won't be able to have abortions anymore.

      • Extemporanus

        Barb had an ur-bortion.

  • MissTaken

    Based on what I've seen with the Occupiers here in the bay area they've already got the no-shower, hippie stink perfected.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Although I'm usually against violence of any sort, I would very much like to punch Lachlan Markey in the face. Only I'd have to push Andrew Breitbart's dick out of the way first.

    • terriblyfamous

      Two birds, one punch.

    • jus_wonderin

      Just remember the Butterfly Effect. That faint wisp could cause a typhoon in Malaysia. But yes, punch away. It could be that Markey would nip that nub.

    • neiltheblaze

      Use latex gloves if you're going to engage in risky behavior like that.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Gloves? Hell, a hazmat suit.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Given that scenario, a vicious uppercut to the jaw would have vastly more entertaining consequences.

  • Remember, you can't spell "CPAC" without OCCUPY (um, -Y, +A)

  • easytheresport

    Well, look at the bright side Lachlan Markey, at least it's not happening in California so they can't gay marry you.

  • planetwingnut

    Hmmmmmmm Cpac…where the conversative men come to town to listen to speeches by moral hypocrites by day…and do likewise at nite …on craigslist, manhunt all looking for other cpackers to fudge pack. Remember kids…check craigslist ads when CPAC is in town so you too can participate in the funny. *plus if you do want more fun …answer ads with a pic (doesn’t have to be your own this is the internet after all) just get their pic. I might create a website about this…the Conservative Men at Cpac…Conservative in values but not the bedroom!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Ah, violence in DC. Preston "Bully" Brooks comes back to life and storms CPAC with a cane (Herman? Are you listening?) in each hand.

    Oops! My bad. Brooks was part of the E-Stablishment. As has been all the violence directed toward the OWS. Whatever the "source" at the Heritage Ball-Banging Foundation was smoking, I wish he/she would pass it around.

    • tessiee

      "Whatever the "source" at the Heritage Ball-Banging Foundation was smoking, I wish he/she would pass it around."

      Meth is a hell of a drug, Dudley.

  • The source tells Markay that the occupiers are going to bomb Mitt Romney and everyone in attendance and then blow up the building with C4 and then nuke DC.

    "Buy me another shot and a beer back, and I'll *hic* tell you how 'Bama has black helicopters camoflagued inna Lincoln Memrial….*HIC*"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Bomb everyone, and THEN blow up the building? Is it just me, or does that sound a bit like the "Fly planes into the WTC, and then blow up the building" plot line? These brain-damaged conspiracy nuts are seriously lacking in — surprise! — brains.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Rape, THEN pillage, THEN burn. How the fuck hard can it be?

  • YouBetcha

    Has anyone pitched the "rentboy" disguise yet? It's carte blanche for CPAC events.

  • bumfug

    If they dress like pimps everybody'll think they must be with Breitbart.

  • JackObin

    The best thing they could do would be to steal all the Doritos from the area. That would keep Pugsly Limbaugh away, for instance.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Build a giant Trojan Furry to gain access.

  • …and then they're going to take over the school!

  • KotBR

    Markey then cashed his Koch-brothers provided paycheck, converted it into singles, and headed over to K-Street where he would use those dollars to pay for the privilege of blowing America's finest lobbyists. Because life is much easier when you cut out the metaphors.

  • CapnFatback

    “they plan to wear Ron Paul 2012 gear because they believe Paul supporters ‘generally look like hippies.’”

    Yeah, maybe, but their World of Warcraft characters are pretty damn butch.

    • SorosBot

      Well a lot of them are female Night Elves with giant racks and armor that somehow manages to protect them while leaving 90% of the skin bare.

      • CapnFatback

        Female? Most of them will slip past by the C(men)Packers then.

  • el_donaldo

    Lachlan Markey? One possible anagram is "Real chalky man."

    • el_donaldo

      also "Anal Lack Rhyme." Either of which probably applies.

    • terriblyfamous

      "Cream anally…. h?"

    • Geminisunmars

      I know it isn't an anagram, but whenever I see his name for some reason it looks like "malarky" to me.

    • Ladies and Gentlemen, the *real* Chalky White!

  • Fare la Volpe

    If you're looking for a lark, Occupiers, check out Craigslist's m4m personals in the days leading up to CPAC.

    You could do a lot of blackmail, if you were so inclined…

  • pinkocommi

    “ Ron Paul supporters ‘generally look like hippies.’”

    And here I thought Ron Paul supporters look like old, obese, white Wal-Mart shoppers.

    • SorosBot

      A lot of them tend to be entitled white misogynist and racist nerds.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Those are the Newt supporters. Paultards look like underachieving accountants.

  • CapnFatback

    Two Occupiers, who the source also identified as members of the New Black Panther Party," said they would be disappointed if they didn’t get arrested and planned to ‘make it count.’”

    Forrest Gump is back, and he isn't sorry that he ruined your CPAC party, bitch.

  • hagajim

    I figure there were a number of ghey Occupados who wanted to help with the Larry's and Lindsey's.

  • Those guys may come disguised as Ann Coulter. If you see anyone one that looks like Ann Coulter, beat him until he's unconscious!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Excellent advice.

  • DaRooster

    If they were actual hippies wouldn't they be wearing Pat Paulson shirts?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, it's nice of those two New Black Panther Party members to show up, as the footage of them "intimidating voters" in 2008 that FOX keeps showing is getting old, and FOX needs something new.

  • Mahousu

    Yeah, well I have it on good authority that Saul Alinsky himself will be showing up. Never mind that he's been dead for forty years.

    • chitrade

      Saul and the "left", both.

    • Geminisunmars

      OMG! Run!! It's the return of the, gasp….gasp…. Zombie ORGANIZERS!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The members of the "New Black Panther Party" plan to pass themselves off as Paultards?
    Yeah, that sounds like a plan. A plan hatched in a more-defective-than-usual GOPtard brain.

    • Crank_Tango

      Better mace all the paultards just to be safe. Also, every trannie dressed in a tricorn hat too.

      • GhostBuggy

        I think that's actually Heritage's little scheme. Tell the cops a "source" said the Occupiers are gonna be violent; that's a macin'. Say they MIGHT be dressed as Paul supporters, and those fuckers — never favorites of the establishment — get some tasty pepper foodstuff spray too.

        It would be brilliant if it wasn't so idiotic.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    AND THEN! They said they were going to fill condoms with napalm, and radioactive waste, and AIDS! And launch them from bazookas that they got from Al Qaeda! And then, they said they would also summon a giant demon warrior, from the eighth plane of hell!! And also they were going to use hypnosis rays on people to make them catch the gay, or in some cases, this one is terrifying… make them overeat compulsively!! Also, one of them told me he had once killed a guy, just for snoring!!

    • tessiee

      I heard they were going to take the brains out of zombies, and then put them in the heads of other zombies, to create an army of SUPER ZOMBIES!!

  • OneYieldRegular

    They plan to wear Ron Paul 2012 gear? Oh my god – it'll be like the Hindenberg! Oh the SeanHannity!

  • Just remember, you Occupados – the best thing is to crush Breitbart, see him driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of his rentboys.

  • Rotundo_

    Poor people! Jeesus it isn't catching is it? Get the womenfolk on the barricades and get Andy and the men in the saferoom. K-Lo can take out a whole bunch of poor folks out before they get to the men!

    • trondant

      saferoom restroom. What's that? They're already there?

  • prommie

    The Marriot is gonna be chock full of tense, edgy CPACers, spinning their heads around, eyes bulging out of their heads, sweat on their upper lip as they peer at every light fixture and potted palm to try to see if it has been booby-trapped or is concealing an infiltrator. This is awesome.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      All you have to do is leave an unattended suitcase in the lobby. And then another under a table in the grand ballroom. And then another…

      I'd put a ticking alarm clock in at least one of them, just for old tymes' sake.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        This is actually a splendid idea. Speaking hypothetically, and not seriously, of course.

  • Guppy

    Ah, Talibangelicals and their martyrdom complex…

  • Wilcoxyz

    Attention "hippies"/occupiers: please build up some no-shower funk, dress like jeebus and go to CPAC dragging crosses. I would love to see video of CPAC keeping jeebus out.

    Once inside, bring out signs about throwing the money changers out of the temple.

    • BerkeleyBear

      But make sure it is white jeebus, or they'll have no problem recreating the Crucifixion on the lawn of the hotel.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        You think they can fight off the ones who'll want to burn the cross?

  • finallyhappy

    oh, CPAC! I thought it was a protest against CPAPs- cause you know, not sleeping is a bad thing. Never mind.

  • barto

    Guys, I'm busy getting gay-married in sunny old Californy this weekend, but I'll be with you in spirit! Another tactic you might try is to yell out "There's a Sale at Tiffanys!"

  • BlueStateLibel

    Make sure you pack your diapers, Repubs, you're gonna need them!

  • PuglyDoRight

    Aren't there only 2 people in the New Black Panther party? That no one cares about except for Fox News.

  • This is a serious blog article.

    This is a serious blog article?

    This is a serious blog article!

  • Extemporanus
  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    Hm, an undercover source for the Heritage Foundation, infiltrating occupy meetings? Sounds like creeping conservatism to me. Conservacreepism, if you will.

  • BZ1

    With a "big tent" organization like the Repubs, I am sure the OWS group will be welcomed with open arms (or at least by an armed welcoming party)

  • MiniMencken

    Yes, that is what those OWS activists most want to avoid — having to take a shower and dress in "business attire." But, just to be safe, the CPAC attendes should attend in white tie and tails, with top hats, spats and canes. Tiaras for the ladies.

  • fuflans

    i'm pretty sure “march to the Marriott” is some weird mormen thing.

  • Loaded_Pants

    Honestly, I can't see Occupiers bothering with protesting this conservative circle jerk that ninety-nine point nine nine nine percent of Americans don't give a shit about.

  • Catabite

    Yeah, those Occupy protesters are Black Panthers. Also? Members of Al Qaeda. I confirmed it through an anonymous source, which also just so happens to be my cat.

  • tessiee

    "Two Occupiers, who the source also identified as members of the New Black Panther Party, “said they would be disappointed if they didn’t get arrested"

    I can see no way in which this could possibly backfire.

  • ttommyunger

    I can only assume the Ron Paul costumes will be complete with the Junior G-Man Eye-Brow Merkins; then they can give the Rightards a Number Six: that's where they come ridin' in, a rompin' and a stompin' a shootin' and a shoutin' and stampede all the wimmen and rape all the cattle.

    • Love the smell of Slim Pickins in the morning!

      • ttommyunger

        Miss him dearly, cowboy.

    • "Junior G-Man and the Eye-Brow Merkins" would be a great name for an olde timey band!

      • ttommyunger

        I think Colbert holds the rights.

  • "Two Occupiers, who the source also identified as members of the New Black Panther Party, 'said they would be disappointed if they didn't get arrested…' Upon hearing this, I lost my shit and cried, 'Oh dear god! *Colored* people will be near our meeting! Hide the white women! Hide the white women!!'"

  • Negropolis

    Operation Chaos! She continues unabatted! Occupy the World, Occupy Everything! All your worries are belong to us!

  • Negropolis

    Lions and tigers and Blahs, oh my! Hippies and Blahs?! **faints**

    • Please. It's THE Blahs. Or "those people."

  • Seriously, have you ever seen more amusing trembling at their prospect of having to, you know, actually fight for their beliefs? I guess they're more comfortable with others doing their fighting for them.

  • monty4prez

    The douchebags at CPAC deserved to be occupied, then waterboarded, and then indefinitely detained.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    You know they could just post rent boy ads to Craigslist targetting CPAC and post the results here on Wonkette. Much, much funnier.

  • thefrontpage


    9-11: Movie Night!! "Deliverance," with special guest appearance by Ned Beatty! Watch as live actors recreate the film as the film rolls, in the tradition of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" Participation encouraged! Costumes encouraged!!
    11-Midnight: Game Time! Game Room, Room 69, Hallway XX. Naked Twister, Strip Poker, Beer Pong and Special Hot Dog "Eating" Contest!! Clothes optional.
    Midnight-3 a.m.–Special Playboy Retro Party, hosted by Hugh and Christie Hefner. Playboy Penthouse Suite, Twelfth Floor, Room XXX. Nudity Encouraged! Also welcome special guests Christy McDonnell, Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter!

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