wildlife channel...c-span...same difference

Rep. Louie Gohmert Is Talking About Caribou Sex In Congress

Just being a Texas Republican makes you an animal sex expert.

Have you ever wished that Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert would stop and take some time to explain what makes caribou want to hump? Sure you have. Here you go: “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the [oil] pipeline,” he says, and you can imagine the rest. HINT in case you can’t: it involves “warm oil” and “flowing.” In conclusion, America needs to build thousands more oil pipelines in Alaska, to make caribou horny.

From the WaPo, finding their true beat:

It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates. “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues.

“So my real concern now …if oil stops running through the pipeline…do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?” he asked.

OH GOD SAVE THE REST FOR THE ROMANCE NOVEL, PLS.

Gohmert’s faux-concern for the furry creatures earned him some titters from fellow committee members. Even Rep. Don Young, who was seated at his elbow, could barely contain his laughter. The Alaska Republican — who we can assume knows a bit more about caribou than his colleague from Texas — wasn’t entirely convinced that Gohmert knew what he was talking about.

“I’m not sure it’s warmth of the pipeline,” Young weighed in.

Gohmert was adamant in his theory. “It sounds like they need the pipeline,” he said.

And that is enough Texas Republican + animal sex talk for one day. Sheesh. [WaPo; Thanks to Wonkette operative "iKento"]

What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

186 comments

    1. Callyson

      You know, that's the beautiful difference between Wonkette and HuffyPo: the latter would *never* allow this prescient comment…

  1. Biel_ze_Bubba

    The One-Star State strikes again. My question for Louie: how do you know what a caribou says when trying to "get a date"? Have you been asked, or is this just a line that you've used? (And if either is true, did it work?) Inquiring minds want to know. (OK, we really don't want to know… but we are very likely to pay attention to the answer.)

    1. Data Exactly

      It's very hard to document the Caribou mating rituals in relation to the Alaska oil pipeline because they don't want people looking in on the love making. Who can blame them?!?

  2. PuckStopsHere

    "So when they go on a date…"
    Dates? Really? Caribou go on dates? I thought they just went straight to the fucking of the out-of-town college basketball players.

  3. CapnFatback

    Gohmert thinks that every quadruped is attracted to his pipeline. ONE ibex gives you head, and you start thinking you're God's gift to ruminants.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Oh wapiti that Texas keeps electing this idiot. It's never too ungulate for change, you know.

  5. YasserArraFeck

    From his pic, it looks like he's just taken some horny caribou up his Warm Pipeline. Pretty shocking, eh, Louie?

    (hint: Louie, that ain't crude running down your leg)

  6. MaxNeanderthal

    "Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
    Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
    And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck
    For nigh on half a week.
    Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
    And a bison cow or so,
    But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
    This fucking was mighty slow"

    The Ballad of Eskimo Nell.

  7. CapnFatback

    He can't be that stupid, can he? He must have meant to say that when two pipe smokers want to go on a date, they invite each other to the Caribou.

  8. bumfug

    Louie figured that since he has an overwhelming urge to rub one out every time he sees a refinery, it must be true for caribou too.

  9. edgydrifter

    Something tells me Gohmert isn't thinking about caribou when he describes hot oil on firm, muscular bodies and erotic encounters with a well-hung buck at some place called "The Pipeline."

  10. SorosBot

    Yeah, I'm sure a species evolved to thrive in the extreme cold of Alaska and northern Canada is really going to be attracted to the pipeline's warmth.

  11. pinkocommi

    "It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates."

    Proving once again that Republitards hate science, but LOVE pseudo-science.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues. It’s apparently the equivalent of being wined and dined.

    IOW, according to Gohmert, this is the Alaskan equivalent of beers, deers, and queers, amirite?

  13. ChernobylSoup

    I'm seeing a trend that indicates Republicans think our base is as stupid and gullible as their base.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Obviously not Mormon caribou. Mitt's people are going to have to do some serious caribou converting.

  14. Eve8Apples

    All this time, I thought the Alaskan pipeline was filled with petroleum. It turns out, they're pumping KY warming lubricant out of Prudhoe Bay.

      1. MissTaken

        Nah, it's the Caribou equivalent of those words every little girl dreams about hearing someday, "would it be okay if I came in your butt?"

        1. SorosBot

          Hehehehehe.

          And something certainly seems to be on your mind today, young lady. I don't know what's gotten into you…

          …but I like it.

  15. Rotundo_

    It really makes me wonder what this fellow did for a living before embarking on a political career: I cannot imagine a career choice that is low enough skill to suit him. If you gave him two rail cars full of lumber and a complete set of tools I would be willing to bet you wouldn't get one decent birdhouse out of the whole mess, and a collection of broken tools (and probably rail cars) to go with it. Incompetent is such a tame word to describe Louie.

    1. Eve8Apples

      It can't possibly be cattle ranching either. I can imagine him gazing at his bulls and heifers in the pasture and thinking to himself, "If only there was a nice warm pipeline running through that pasture so those bulls and heifers would get busy love making."

      1. fartknocker

        Yup, an attorney, a Birther and a member of the Tea Party. And he can't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heal.

    2. Negropolis

      You give him lumber and a complete set of tools, and you'll get a hospital visit out of him, I'm sure of it.

  16. SarahsBush

    I'd love to see him in a pissing match with Michele. Oh, the crazy things they would say!

    P.S. This has been one shitty month for me, and this is the best laugh I've had in a while. Thanks, Louie, you fucking idiot!

  17. flamingpdog

    Caribou: Knock knock.
    Gohmert: Who's there?
    Caribou: Caribou.
    Gohmert: Caribou who?
    Caribou: Please don't cry.

  18. meatlofer

    After the male Eskimo "does a Bou" they some times rub noses with them.At least a"Good" Caribou will!

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, I know I never want to be caught, late at night, pumping gas along in Texas with no one around but Louie Gohmert.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Yea we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
      I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it

      1. flamingpdog

        Could you narrow it down a little, please? I think maybe there's more than two dillweeds from Texas.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Stalin?
      himself cracked [jokes], including this one about a visit from a Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria–"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

  20. chascates

    Waiting on Tex. Rep. Joe Barton to apologize to caribous for not have a warm pipeline to snuggle up to.

  21. Dashboard Buddha

    I think Mrs. Gohmert is more familiar with animal husbandry…given that her husband is a pig.

  22. real_dc_native

    He probably has the Caribou confused with the sheep he use to court back home. In winter it can get pretty cold (and lonely) in the Texas high country.

  23. HarryButtle

    Dude? You're pitching an oil pipeline and Don fucking Young is laughing at you. Think about that.

  24. __kth__

    Just because Louie Gohmert likes to fuck livestock by the warmth of a pumping oil well doesn't mean that's what caribou like.

  25. northernbassist

    Wow, Texas–you've done an amazing thing: electing someone who can make Don Young look smart uh..reasonable…not quite as stupid as we all know he is!

  26. AnAmericanInTO

    As soon as I read this, it felt so familiar. So I went to my well-worn copy of Paul Slansky's THE CLOTHES HAVE NO EMPEROR and there it was in the index under Bush, George, on caribou mating habits:

    "Caribou like the pipeline. They lean up against it, have a lot of babies, scratch on it. There's more damn caribou than you can shake a stick at." – November 17, 1987.

    So, Repugs have been pitching this chestnut since, at least, I was in Junior High and before many of our Wonketeers were a gleam in their daddy's eye.

    1. starfanglednut

      Oh, I hate that line. Next thing you know someone's digging their fingers painfully into your shoulders, and assuming you going to go home with them and fuck their brains out.

  27. BlueStateLibel

    I hope some Repub trolls read this, because you see, Repubs, this is what your beloved Republican Party really thinks of you, that you are an ignorant, gullible moron who will believe any fairy tale they can come up with, laughing behind your back, all the way to the bank.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    I just got done voting in Missouri's non-binding open primary. Buddy Roemer wasn't on the Republican ballot, so I got a Democratic ballot instead.

    That "Barrock O'Bomma" guy seems legit. What is he Irish?

  29. C_R_Eature

    You know that you're a Moron's Moron when Paid Professional Moron Don Young is laughing at you. I've gone way beyond surprise at this kind of boneheadedness from the elected R's anymore, but I just hope I never stop finding it amusing.

    Here's an idea of just how far our Republic has fallen: a short clip from a recent House Natural Resources Committee hearing on oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
    Dr. Douglas Brinkley was testifying. If you've seen it before, enjoy it again. If you haven't…I don't want to blow it for you.

    A 2 minute clip. Submitted For Your Approval: "I Pay Your Salary!" The full hearing is up on CSPAN (69 minutes).

    Enjoy.

  30. rickmaci

    This man has a say in the future of our Republic? Seriously? We are in more trouble than I ever imagined and I thought I was looking at worst case scenarios.

  31. unclejeems

    This is news? This is hardly a ripple on the surface of a vast ocean of self-delusion. These people think Jesus left Nazareth on the back of a T-Rex.

    You know, sometimes, I wish Reagan had never been elected.

  32. starfanglednut

    Of course, the fact that the widespread burning of oil is causing permafrost to melt, and in general destroying the caribou's habitat doesn't enter into this numbnut's scientific calculations.

  33. SolitaireRose

    Now that I know this, I am even more against the big Republican Keystone pipeline they add to every bill. I do not want the caribou migrating down through Oklahoma, looking for cheap, sleazy sex. Bunch of reprobates.

  34. ttommyunger

    This is all light-hearted fun until someone mentions that thousands of American Citizens repeatedly and knowingly cast their precious ballots for this asshat and send him back to Congress to represent them. I AM depressed…

  35. Buckminster

    I hope someone called the zoology department about this shocking new development. Hello, Earth to Gohmert? Since when are wild caribou dependent on human intervention, you jack-wipe?

  36. ShaveTheWhales

    Whenever I read an article about Screwy Louie, I am forced, once again, to wonder who the fuck it is that elected him to the House of Fucking Representatives of the Fucking United States.

    And then I get kind of depressed, because the idea that there is even one diverticulum of 700K in the great colon of US America that will elect such a desiccated piece of poop suggests strongly that we are well and truly fucked.

  37. MozakiBlocks

    Best part of this whole story is teh awesome "What the ever-living fuck are you talking about" combined with "I'm surrounded by idiots" look on Anderson's face.

Comments are closed.