Just being a Texas Republican makes you an animal sex expert.

Have you ever wished that Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert would stop and take some time to explain what makes caribou want to hump? Sure you have. Here you go: “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the [oil] pipeline,” he says, and you can imagine the rest. HINT in case you can’t: it involves “warm oil” and “flowing.” In conclusion, America needs to build thousands more oil pipelines in Alaska, to make caribou horny.

From the WaPo, finding their true beat:

It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates. “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues.

“So my real concern now …if oil stops running through the pipeline…do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?” he asked.


Gohmert’s faux-concern for the furry creatures earned him some titters from fellow committee members. Even Rep. Don Young, who was seated at his elbow, could barely contain his laughter. The Alaska Republican — who we can assume knows a bit more about caribou than his colleague from Texas — wasn’t entirely convinced that Gohmert knew what he was talking about.

“I’m not sure it’s warmth of the pipeline,” Young weighed in.

Gohmert was adamant in his theory. “It sounds like they need the pipeline,” he said.

And that is enough Texas Republican + animal sex talk for one day. Sheesh. [WaPo; Thanks to Wonkette operative “iKento”]

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I found this article very difficult to masturbate to.

  • Come here a minute

    Keep fucking that Caribou, Louie!

  • Schmannnity

    Shazam. Gohmert Pyle.

    • BarackMyWorld


    • ttommyunger

      Pyle Libel.

    • flamingpdog

      Gohmert Pyleoshit.

  • PsycWench

    But what about Caribou Barbie?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The One-Star State strikes again. My question for Louie: how do you know what a caribou says when trying to "get a date"? Have you been asked, or is this just a line that you've used? (And if either is true, did it work?) Inquiring minds want to know. (OK, we really don't want to know… but we are very likely to pay attention to the answer.)

    • SorosBot

      That's a nice rack of horns you got there, baby.

    • bumfug

      If it gets serious they "go steady".

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Caribou pick-up line: "Hey, sweet mama, let me show you my 'pipeline'."

  • hagajim

    Hey baby! Let's go have a hot night in the oil fields!

  • Joshua Norton

    All facts were thoroughly researched before he pulled them out of his ass.

    • Data Exactly

      It's very hard to document the Caribou mating rituals in relation to the Alaska oil pipeline because they don't want people looking in on the love making. Who can blame them?!?

  • PuckStopsHere

    "So when they go on a date…"
    Dates? Really? Caribou go on dates? I thought they just went straight to the fucking of the out-of-town college basketball players.

    • Mahousu

      That is dating in many parts of Alaska.

      • SorosBot

        Or there's the six pack of wine coolers and no condom.

        • MissTaken

          Don't forget the tent!

          • Their love is in tents.

          • Negropolis

            Forever pitching tents, them Alaskans.

    • DaRooster

      Yea Sarah!

  • when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline

    That's what Todd and caribou Sarah do.

    • spareme

      Wait – will this work on my husband ,also?

  • Is that how they do it at N******head?

  • Tengu

    "Dear Field & Stream Forum, I never thought I'd be writing you but the other day…"

    • BornInATrailer


  • CapnFatback

    Gohmert thinks that every quadruped is attracted to his pipeline. ONE ibex gives you head, and you start thinking you're God's gift to ruminants.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh wapiti that Texas keeps electing this idiot. It's never too ungulate for change, you know.

    • HuddledMass


  • bflrtsplk

    Louie says, "Caribou make me so hawny."

  • Even the caribou lay pipe.

  • YasserArraFeck

    From his pic, it looks like he's just taken some horny caribou up his Warm Pipeline. Pretty shocking, eh, Louie?

    (hint: Louie, that ain't crude running down your leg)

  • easytheresport

    It's not the warmth of the pipeline, it's how you use it.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    "Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
    Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
    And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck
    For nigh on half a week.
    Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
    And a bison cow or so,
    But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
    This fucking was mighty slow"

    The Ballad of Eskimo Nell.

  • DaRooster

    Um… you do realize that caribou had "dates" before pipelines right?

    • In less fortunate times they just got out mood music LPs, a bottle of Andre and scented candles like everybody else.

      • DaRooster

        Mmmmm… Cold Duck!

    • Not_So_Much

      Bullshit! Next you're going to be telling lies about the Flintstones not being in the bible!

      • DaRooster

        The Virgin Wilma…

  • Silly Louie, the catcher called for the deuce and you threw the screwgie. Your pitch was such a caribou-boo.

  • Radiotherapy

    Pipelines, warm oil, mouth diarrhea — you sure this isn't Santorum?

  • CapnFatback

    He can't be that stupid, can he? He must have meant to say that when two pipe smokers want to go on a date, they invite each other to the Caribou.

  • Local_Mojo

    I don't mean to be critical, but I think Rep. Gohmert is starting to lose credibility.

    • Too many "dates" with a certain Oil Lobby has got him worked into a lather.

    • Negropolis

      If only one could lose what one never had to begin with.

  • LettucePrey

    This is all the 9th Circuit's fault. Legalized man/caribou marriage is the next logical step.

    • SorosBot

      Santorum was right!@!

  • DaRooster

    "We can NEVER shut down ANY pipeline… think of the caribou!!"

  • Troglodeity

    Louie Gohmert lays pipe for caribou.

  • Extemporanus

    ♪♫ Caribouuu… ♪♫

    • CapnFatback

      What's your Deal?

      • LesBontemps

        Kelley. (I know, I know.)

        • CapnFatback

          So YOU'RE the Last Hard Man!

      • Radiotherapy

        I like that Frank Blah.

    • I was there!

    • ♪♫ Louie, Louie, you gotta go now ♫♪

  • Beowoof

    Golly Gohmert, does Sgt Carter know you are cheating on him with a caribou.

  • Nostrildamus

    Sounds hot! I'm ordering a 10" oil pipeline for my house pronto.

  • bumfug

    Louie figured that since he has an overwhelming urge to rub one out every time he sees a refinery, it must be true for caribou too.

  • JackObin

    There's stupid, and then there is Texas stupid. I think it's the excess Jesus and sun.

    • littlebigdaddy

      The country music doesn't help.

  • Nostrildamus

    Crude humor.

  • edgydrifter

    Something tells me Gohmert isn't thinking about caribou when he describes hot oil on firm, muscular bodies and erotic encounters with a well-hung buck at some place called "The Pipeline."

  • SorosBot

    Yeah, I'm sure a species evolved to thrive in the extreme cold of Alaska and northern Canada is really going to be attracted to the pipeline's warmth.

    • MissTaken

      Hot pipeline Caribou love is proof that evolution is just a myth.

      • SorosBot

        Hot pipeline caribou love sounds like a good band name.

  • Just remember when you shoot at caribou from your helicopter, don't hit the pipeline.

  • Radiotherapy

    Yeah Louie, who would know more about caribou than a Texan?

  • pinkocommi

    "It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates."

    Proving once again that Republitards hate science, but LOVE pseudo-science.

    • PsycWench

      Not that that point needed to proved again, mind you.

  • Nostrildamus

    The mystery of Piper Palin is finally revealed.

  • elviouslyqueer

    So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues. It’s apparently the equivalent of being wined and dined.

    IOW, according to Gohmert, this is the Alaskan equivalent of beers, deers, and queers, amirite?

  • Does "Caribou Sex" involve wine coolers by any chance?

    • Negropolis

      It's more easily recognized by what it doesn't include: condoms.

  • ChernobylSoup

    I'm seeing a trend that indicates Republicans think our base is as stupid and gullible as their base.

  • chascates

    He was an expert on animal husbandry. Until they caught him at it.

    • Not animal cuckoldry?

    • Negropolis

      This is so very full of WIN.

  • edgydrifter

    Gohmert is showing Cooper his "caribou face."

  • lochnessmonster

    Now we know why they want that XL pipeline! They want to see caribou sex in Texas!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Sure, but does the Caribou Call the next day?

  • upthruster

    Didn't our Minnesota Babe Michele Bachmann also make this argument a couple years ago? But instead of the sexy warmth, it was caffeine the caribou were after… Yes. Yes she did indeed!



    And especially here:

    • Someone should convince She1ey to use one of those indecent incandescent lightbulbs as a suppository.

    • real_dc_native

      It's a shame she peaked so early in the primaries. I do miss her insights.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      That last picture…are those bongs or dildos that she's holding?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Obviously not Mormon caribou. Mitt's people are going to have to do some serious caribou converting.

  • Eve8Apples

    All this time, I thought the Alaskan pipeline was filled with petroleum. It turns out, they're pumping KY warming lubricant out of Prudhoe Bay.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      KY Intense

  • MissTaken

    How Caribou ask for a date:

    "So, would it be okay if I came in your pipeline?"

    • SorosBot

      Not "would you want my pipeline to come in you"?

      • MissTaken

        Nah, it's the Caribou equivalent of those words every little girl dreams about hearing someday, "would it be okay if I came in your butt?"

        • SorosBot


          And something certainly seems to be on your mind today, young lady. I don't know what's gotten into you…

          …but I like it.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            And whatever it is, can I watch?

          • MissTaken

            Nothing's gotten into me so far, but soon I'm sure.

          • SorosBot

            Well that sounds like something to look forward to.

          • Ahem. Room.

          • Negropolis

            Yes, room for two…or more, I guess. It depends on how you roll. I don't judge.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    His porno collection must be very interesting. And by interesting I mean yeeeeeeeeesh.

  • Rotundo_

    It really makes me wonder what this fellow did for a living before embarking on a political career: I cannot imagine a career choice that is low enough skill to suit him. If you gave him two rail cars full of lumber and a complete set of tools I would be willing to bet you wouldn't get one decent birdhouse out of the whole mess, and a collection of broken tools (and probably rail cars) to go with it. Incompetent is such a tame word to describe Louie.

    • Eve8Apples

      It can't possibly be cattle ranching either. I can imagine him gazing at his bulls and heifers in the pasture and thinking to himself, "If only there was a nice warm pipeline running through that pasture so those bulls and heifers would get busy love making."

    • real_dc_native

      He must be a lawyer obviously.

      • fartknocker

        Yup, an attorney, a Birther and a member of the Tea Party. And he can't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heal.

    • Negropolis

      You give him lumber and a complete set of tools, and you'll get a hospital visit out of him, I'm sure of it.

  • Indiepalin

    I think Louie Gohmert would make a FABULOUS animal husband.

    • I'm sure he's been fucked by a bear or two.

  • SarahsBush

    I'd love to see him in a pissing match with Michele. Oh, the crazy things they would say!

    P.S. This has been one shitty month for me, and this is the best laugh I've had in a while. Thanks, Louie, you fucking idiot!

    • fuflans

      you've been missing round here.

      hope feb and spring get better!

      • SarahsBush

        :-) Thanks!

  • LesBontemps

    Oh, and alt-text win, too.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Sounds like somebody is seeing starbursts just thinking about Sarah Palin.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    You must be fucking kidding me.

  • flamingpdog

    Caribou: Knock knock.
    Gohmert: Who's there?
    Caribou: Caribou.
    Gohmert: Caribou who?
    Caribou: Please don't cry.

  • meatlofer

    After the male Eskimo "does a Bou" they some times rub noses with them.At least a"Good" Caribou will!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Isn't animal husbandry the program Rick Perry got kicked out of?

  • BarackMyWorld

    How dumb does your idea have to be for Don Young to laugh at it?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, I know I never want to be caught, late at night, pumping gas along in Texas with no one around but Louie Gohmert.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Yea we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
      I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it

  • RedneckMuslin

    Build a dang fence!

  • You know who else liked to yuck it up while they were abusing power?

    • SorosBot

      King Joffrey?

    • flamingpdog

      Pope Hilarius?

      Credit to whichever Wonketeer posted this link the other day.

      • Radiotherapy

        FTW! And his successor was Simplicius.

    • littlebigdaddy

      That other dillweed from Texas, what's-his-name.

      • flamingpdog

        Could you narrow it down a little, please? I think maybe there's more than two dillweeds from Texas.

    • Radiotherapy

      himself cracked [jokes], including this one about a visit from a Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria–"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."

    • BarackMyWorld

      J. Edgar Hoover at a drag show?

    • Negropolis

      Mayor Daley?

  • Lemme get this straight. Cons love caribou, but the polar bears can just fuck off and die?

    • MissTaken

      Polar bears are too elitist to fuck next to the pipeline.

  • chascates

    Waiting on Tex. Rep. Joe Barton to apologize to caribous for not have a warm pipeline to snuggle up to.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I think Mrs. Gohmert is more familiar with animal husbandry…given that her husband is a pig.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Is it a coincidence that Caribou Lou looks like a deer in the headlights in that pic?

  • real_dc_native

    He probably has the Caribou confused with the sheep he use to court back home. In winter it can get pretty cold (and lonely) in the Texas high country.

  • HarryButtle

    Dude? You're pitching an oil pipeline and Don fucking Young is laughing at you. Think about that.

  • MinAgain

    Defunding of Planned Caribouhood in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

  • __kth__

    Just because Louie Gohmert likes to fuck livestock by the warmth of a pumping oil well doesn't mean that's what caribou like.

  • northernbassist

    Wow, Texas–you've done an amazing thing: electing someone who can make Don Young look smart uh..reasonable…not quite as stupid as we all know he is!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    But will you rut me…tomorrow?

  • AnAmericanInTO

    As soon as I read this, it felt so familiar. So I went to my well-worn copy of Paul Slansky's THE CLOTHES HAVE NO EMPEROR and there it was in the index under Bush, George, on caribou mating habits:

    "Caribou like the pipeline. They lean up against it, have a lot of babies, scratch on it. There's more damn caribou than you can shake a stick at." – November 17, 1987.

    So, Repugs have been pitching this chestnut since, at least, I was in Junior High and before many of our Wonketeers were a gleam in their daddy's eye.

    • fuflans


  • orygoon

    The caribou in Nebraska just can't wait for all that warm oil, poor things.

  • Tundra Grifter

    What do caribou in the Artic do for fun?

    They go to the Elks Club and blow a few bucks.

  • barto

    How do you say "You look like you need a backrub" in Caribou?

    • Oh, I hate that line. Next thing you know someone's digging their fingers painfully into your shoulders, and assuming you going to go home with them and fuck their brains out.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Funny how Louie and Ole Crazy Eyes forgot to tell the US Fish & Wildlife Service the wonderful news:

  • Tundra Grifter

    By now the "Caribou Sex" page on Wikipedia probably has a pipeline foldout.

    • If these fuckers had any idea that half of all federal agencies are quietly preparing for the effects of climate chance, they'd bust an aneurysm.

  • BlueStateLibel

    I hope some Repub trolls read this, because you see, Repubs, this is what your beloved Republican Party really thinks of you, that you are an ignorant, gullible moron who will believe any fairy tale they can come up with, laughing behind your back, all the way to the bank.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I just got done voting in Missouri's non-binding open primary. Buddy Roemer wasn't on the Republican ballot, so I got a Democratic ballot instead.

    That "Barrock O'Bomma" guy seems legit. What is he Irish?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      I think he played off guard for the Celtics in the Nineties.

    • fuflans

      well black irish.

    • valgal2342

      Well, Falmouth Kearney thinks so.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, Blah Irish.

      I think it's spelled "Brock O'Bamaugh", actually.

  • Terry

    This is what happens when Fundies control the science curricula in the schools.

  • C_R_Eature

    You know that you're a Moron's Moron when Paid Professional Moron Don Young is laughing at you. I've gone way beyond surprise at this kind of boneheadedness from the elected R's anymore, but I just hope I never stop finding it amusing.

    Here's an idea of just how far our Republic has fallen: a short clip from a recent House Natural Resources Committee hearing on oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
    Dr. Douglas Brinkley was testifying. If you've seen it before, enjoy it again. If you haven't…I don't want to blow it for you.

    A 2 minute clip. Submitted For Your Approval: "I Pay Your Salary!" The full hearing is up on CSPAN (69 minutes).


  • mavenmaven

    Santorum/Gompert 2012!

  • rickmaci

    This man has a say in the future of our Republic? Seriously? We are in more trouble than I ever imagined and I thought I was looking at worst case scenarios.

  • BZ1

    What is Rep. Gomer Pyle up to now??

  • unclejeems

    This is news? This is hardly a ripple on the surface of a vast ocean of self-delusion. These people think Jesus left Nazareth on the back of a T-Rex.

    You know, sometimes, I wish Reagan had never been elected.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Um, I ALWAYS wish Reagan had never been elected. I was an adult then.

  • Of course, the fact that the widespread burning of oil is causing permafrost to melt, and in general destroying the caribou's habitat doesn't enter into this numbnut's scientific calculations.

  • fuflans


  • SolitaireRose

    Now that I know this, I am even more against the big Republican Keystone pipeline they add to every bill. I do not want the caribou migrating down through Oklahoma, looking for cheap, sleazy sex. Bunch of reprobates.

  • ttommyunger

    This is all light-hearted fun until someone mentions that thousands of American Citizens repeatedly and knowingly cast their precious ballots for this asshat and send him back to Congress to represent them. I AM depressed…

  • Buckminster

    I hope someone called the zoology department about this shocking new development. Hello, Earth to Gohmert? Since when are wild caribou dependent on human intervention, you jack-wipe?

  • Hey baby wanna check out the warmth of my goo pipe?

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Whenever I read an article about Screwy Louie, I am forced, once again, to wonder who the fuck it is that elected him to the House of Fucking Representatives of the Fucking United States.

    And then I get kind of depressed, because the idea that there is even one diverticulum of 700K in the great colon of US America that will elect such a desiccated piece of poop suggests strongly that we are well and truly fucked.

  • Negropolis

    Texas is why America can't have nice things, folks.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Best part of this whole story is teh awesome "What the ever-living fuck are you talking about" combined with "I'm surrounded by idiots" look on Anderson's face.

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