Have you ever wished that Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert would stop and take some time to explain what makes caribou want to hump? Sure you have. Here you go: “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the [oil] pipeline,” he says, and you can imagine the rest. HINT in case you can’t: it involves “warm oil” and “flowing.” In conclusion, America needs to build thousands more oil pipelines in Alaska, to make caribou horny.
From the WaPo, finding their true beat:
It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates. “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline,” he informed his colleagues.
“So my real concern now …if oil stops running through the pipeline…do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?” he asked.
OH GOD SAVE THE REST FOR THE ROMANCE NOVEL, PLS.
Gohmert’s faux-concern for the furry creatures earned him some titters from fellow committee members. Even Rep. Don Young, who was seated at his elbow, could barely contain his laughter. The Alaska Republican — who we can assume knows a bit more about caribou than his colleague from Texas — wasn’t entirely convinced that Gohmert knew what he was talking about.
“I’m not sure it’s warmth of the pipeline,” Young weighed in.
Gohmert was adamant in his theory. “It sounds like they need the pipeline,” he said.
And that is enough Texas Republican + animal sex talk for one day. Sheesh. [WaPo; Thanks to Wonkette operative "iKento"]
{ 186 comments }
I found this article very difficult to masturbate to.
But not impossible?
I am a professional.
A consummate one, I hope.
Waitaminnit, Iemme try.
nope.
It's not much to dance to either.
You know, that's the beautiful difference between Wonkette and HuffyPo: the latter would *never* allow this prescient comment…
Man Coulter and the Talibunny are the repiglican ideals of womanhood.
So did Louis.
Keep fucking that Caribou, Louie!
Shazam. Gohmert Pyle.
Golllllllll-lee!
Pyle Libel.
Gohmert Pyleoshit.
But what about Caribou Barbie?
That's Caribou horny to you!
She just needs the warmth of a nice meth lab.
She's never had any problem inspiring rutting.
Just about the only thing I'd be willing to do with her is lay some "pipeline" over her.
Shhhhhhh…
Ms. Palin if you're nasty!
The One-Star State strikes again. My question for Louie: how do you know what a caribou says when trying to "get a date"? Have you been asked, or is this just a line that you've used? (And if either is true, did it work?) Inquiring minds want to know. (OK, we really don't want to know… but we are very likely to pay attention to the answer.)
That's a nice rack of horns you got there, baby.
If it gets serious they "go steady".
Caribou pick-up line: "Hey, sweet mama, let me show you my 'pipeline'."
Hey baby! Let's go have a hot night in the oil fields!
All facts were thoroughly researched before he pulled them out of his ass.
It's very hard to document the Caribou mating rituals in relation to the Alaska oil pipeline because they don't want people looking in on the love making. Who can blame them?!?
"So when they go on a date…"
Dates? Really? Caribou go on dates? I thought they just went straight to the fucking of the out-of-town college basketball players.
That is dating in many parts of Alaska.
Or there's the six pack of wine coolers and no condom.
Don't forget the tent!
Their love is in tents.
Yea Sarah!
when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline
That's what Todd and
caribouSarah do.Wait – will this work on my husband ,also?
Is that how they do it at N******head?
"Dear Field & Stream Forum, I never thought I'd be writing you but the other day…"
Wow.
Gohmert thinks that every quadruped is attracted to his pipeline. ONE ibex gives you head, and you start thinking you're God's gift to ruminants.
Oh wapiti that Texas keeps electing this idiot. It's never too ungulate for change, you know.
*groan*
Louie says, "Caribou make me so hawny."
Even the caribou lay pipe.
From his pic, it looks like he's just taken some horny caribou up his Warm Pipeline. Pretty shocking, eh, Louie?
(hint: Louie, that ain't crude running down your leg)
It's not the warmth of the pipeline, it's how you use it.
"Now Dead-Eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Lived down by Dead Man's Creek,
And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck
For nigh on half a week.
Oh, a moose or two, and a caribou,
And a bison cow or so,
But for Dead-Eye Dick with his kingly prick,
This fucking was mighty slow"
The Ballad of Eskimo Nell.
Um… you do realize that caribou had "dates" before pipelines right?
In less fortunate times they just got out mood music LPs, a bottle of Andre and scented candles like everybody else.
Mmmmm… Cold Duck!
Bullshit! Next you're going to be telling lies about the Flintstones not being in the bible!
The Virgin Wilma…
Silly Louie, the catcher called for the deuce and you threw the screwgie. Your pitch was such a caribou-boo.
Pipelines, warm oil, mouth diarrhea — you sure this isn't Santorum?
He can't be that stupid, can he? He must have meant to say that when two pipe smokers want to go on a date, they invite each other to the Caribou.
I don't mean to be critical, but I think Rep. Gohmert is starting to lose credibility.
Too many "dates" with a certain Oil Lobby has got him worked into a lather.
If only one could lose what one never had to begin with.
This is all the 9th Circuit's fault. Legalized man/caribou marriage is the next logical step.
Santorum was right!@!
"We can NEVER shut down ANY pipeline… think of the caribou!!"
Louie Gohmert lays pipe for caribou.
♪♫ Caribouuu… ♪♫
What's your Deal?
Kelley. (I know, I know.)
So YOU'RE the Last Hard Man!
I like that Frank Blah.
I was there!
♪♫ Louie, Louie, you gotta go now ♫♪
Golly Gohmert, does Sgt Carter know you are cheating on him with a caribou.
Sounds hot! I'm ordering a 10" oil pipeline for my house pronto.
Louie figured that since he has an overwhelming urge to rub one out every time he sees a refinery, it must be true for caribou too.
There's stupid, and then there is Texas stupid. I think it's the excess Jesus and sun.
The country music doesn't help.
Crude humor.
Something tells me Gohmert isn't thinking about caribou when he describes hot oil on firm, muscular bodies and erotic encounters with a well-hung buck at some place called "The Pipeline."
Yeah, I'm sure a species evolved to thrive in the extreme cold of Alaska and northern Canada is really going to be attracted to the pipeline's warmth.
Hot pipeline Caribou love is proof that evolution is just a myth.
Hot pipeline caribou love sounds like a good band name.
Just remember when you shoot at caribou from your helicopter, don't hit the pipeline.
Yeah Louie, who would know more about caribou than a Texan?
"It seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal husbandry. Here’s his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the warmth the pipeline radiates."
Proving once again that Republitards hate science, but LOVE pseudo-science.
Not that that point needed to proved again, mind you.
The mystery of Piper Palin is finally revealed.
IOW, according to Gohmert, this is the Alaskan equivalent of beers, deers, and queers, amirite?
Does "Caribou Sex" involve wine coolers by any chance?
It's more easily recognized by what it doesn't include: condoms.
I'm seeing a trend that indicates Republicans think our base is as stupid and gullible as their base.
He was an expert on animal husbandry. Until they caught him at it.
Not animal cuckoldry?
This is so very full of WIN.
Gohmert is showing Cooper his "caribou face."
Now we know why they want that XL pipeline! They want to see caribou sex in Texas!
Sure, but does the Caribou Call the next day?
Didn't our Minnesota Babe Michele Bachmann also make this argument a couple years ago? But instead of the sexy warmth, it was caffeine the caribou were after… Yes. Yes she did indeed!
Here: http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2008/06/20/2501…
Here: http://www.treehugger.com/corporate-responsibilit…
And especially here: http://i25.tinypic.com/qpkjk7.jpg
Someone should convince She1ey to use one of those
indecentincandescent lightbulbs as a suppository.It's a shame she peaked so early in the primaries. I do miss her insights.
That last picture…are those bongs or dildos that she's holding?
Obviously not Mormon caribou. Mitt's people are going to have to do some serious caribou converting.
All this time, I thought the Alaskan pipeline was filled with petroleum. It turns out, they're pumping KY warming lubricant out of Prudhoe Bay.
KY Intense
How Caribou ask for a date:
"So, would it be okay if I came in your pipeline?"
Not "would you want my pipeline to come in you"?
Nah, it's the Caribou equivalent of those words every little girl dreams about hearing someday, "would it be okay if I came in your butt?"
Hehehehehe.
And something certainly seems to be on your mind today, young lady. I don't know what's gotten into you…
…but I like it.
And whatever it is, can I watch?
Nothing's gotten into me so far, but soon I'm sure.
His porno collection must be very interesting. And by interesting I mean yeeeeeeeeesh.
MG, like this?
Yes. Yes I do.
It really makes me wonder what this fellow did for a living before embarking on a political career: I cannot imagine a career choice that is low enough skill to suit him. If you gave him two rail cars full of lumber and a complete set of tools I would be willing to bet you wouldn't get one decent birdhouse out of the whole mess, and a collection of broken tools (and probably rail cars) to go with it. Incompetent is such a tame word to describe Louie.
It can't possibly be cattle ranching either. I can imagine him gazing at his bulls and heifers in the pasture and thinking to himself, "If only there was a nice warm pipeline running through that pasture so those bulls and heifers would get busy love making."
He must be a lawyer obviously.
Yup, an attorney, a Birther and a member of the Tea Party. And he can't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heal.
You give him lumber and a complete set of tools, and you'll get a hospital visit out of him, I'm sure of it.
I think Louie Gohmert would make a FABULOUS animal husband.
I'm sure he's been fucked by a bear or two.
I'd love to see him in a pissing match with Michele. Oh, the crazy things they would say!
P.S. This has been one shitty month for me, and this is the best laugh I've had in a while. Thanks, Louie, you fucking idiot!
you've been missing round here.
hope feb and spring get better!
:-) Thanks!
Oh, and alt-text win, too.
Sounds like somebody is seeing starbursts just thinking about Sarah Palin.
You must be fucking kidding me.
Caribou: Knock knock.
Gohmert: Who's there?
Caribou: Caribou.
Gohmert: Caribou who?
Caribou: Please don't cry.
After the male Eskimo "does a Bou" they some times rub noses with them.At least a"Good" Caribou will!
Isn't animal husbandry the program Rick Perry got kicked out of?
How dumb does your idea have to be for Don Young to laugh at it?
Well, I know I never want to be caught, late at night, pumping gas along in Texas with no one around but Louie Gohmert.
Yea we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it
Build a dang fence!
You know who else liked to yuck it up while they were abusing power?
King Joffrey?
Pope Hilarius?
Credit to whichever Wonketeer posted this link the other day.
FTW! And his successor was Simplicius.
That other dillweed from Texas, what's-his-name.
Could you narrow it down a little, please? I think maybe there's more than two dillweeds from Texas.
Well, they've had quite a drought this year.
Stalin?
himself cracked [jokes], including this one about a visit from a Georgian delegation: They come, they talk to Stalin, and then they go, heading off down the Kremlin's corridors. Stalin starts looking for his pipe. He can't find it. He calls in Beria, the dreaded head of his secret police. "Go after the delegation, and find out which one took my pipe," he says. Beria scuttles off down the corridor. Five minutes later Stalin finds his pipe under a pile of papers. He calls Beria–"Look, I've found my pipe." "It's too late," Beria says, "half the delegation admitted they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."
J. Edgar Hoover at a drag show?
Mayor Daley?
Lemme get this straight. Cons love caribou, but the polar bears can just fuck off and die?
Polar bears are too elitist to fuck next to the pipeline.
Waiting on Tex. Rep. Joe Barton to apologize to caribous for not have a warm pipeline to snuggle up to.
I think Mrs. Gohmert is more familiar with animal husbandry…given that her husband is a pig.
Is it a coincidence that Caribou Lou looks like a deer in the headlights in that pic?
He probably has the Caribou confused with the sheep he use to court back home. In winter it can get pretty cold (and lonely) in the Texas high country.
Dude? You're pitching an oil pipeline and Don fucking Young is laughing at you. Think about that.
Defunding of Planned Caribouhood in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
Just because Louie Gohmert likes to fuck livestock by the warmth of a pumping oil well doesn't mean that's what caribou like.
Wow, Texas–you've done an amazing thing: electing someone who can make Don Young look
smartuh..reasonable…not quite as stupid as we all know he is!But will you rut me…tomorrow?
As soon as I read this, it felt so familiar. So I went to my well-worn copy of Paul Slansky's THE CLOTHES HAVE NO EMPEROR and there it was in the index under Bush, George, on caribou mating habits:
"Caribou like the pipeline. They lean up against it, have a lot of babies, scratch on it. There's more damn caribou than you can shake a stick at." – November 17, 1987.
So, Repugs have been pitching this chestnut since, at least, I was in Junior High and before many of our Wonketeers were a gleam in their daddy's eye.
god.
The caribou in Nebraska just can't wait for all that warm oil, poor things.
What do caribou in the Artic do for fun?
They go to the Elks Club and blow a few bucks.
How do you say "You look like you need a backrub" in Caribou?
Oh, I hate that line. Next thing you know someone's digging their fingers painfully into your shoulders, and assuming you going to go home with them and fuck their brains out.
Funny how Louie and Ole Crazy Eyes forgot to tell the US Fish & Wildlife Service the wonderful news:
http://arctic.fws.gov/carcon.htm
By now the "Caribou Sex" page on Wikipedia probably has a pipeline foldout.
If these fuckers had any idea that half of all federal agencies are quietly preparing for the effects of climate chance, they'd bust an aneurysm.
I hope some Repub trolls read this, because you see, Repubs, this is what your beloved Republican Party really thinks of you, that you are an ignorant, gullible moron who will believe any fairy tale they can come up with, laughing behind your back, all the way to the bank.
I just got done voting in Missouri's non-binding open primary. Buddy Roemer wasn't on the Republican ballot, so I got a Democratic ballot instead.
That "Barrock O'Bomma" guy seems legit. What is he Irish?
I think he played off guard for the Celtics in the Nineties.
well black irish.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/baracko…
Well, Falmouth Kearney thinks so.
Yeah, Blah Irish.
I think it's spelled "Brock O'Bamaugh", actually.
This is what happens when Fundies control the science curricula in the schools.
You know that you're a Moron's Moron when Paid Professional Moron Don Young is laughing at you. I've gone way beyond surprise at this kind of boneheadedness from the elected R's anymore, but I just hope I never stop finding it amusing.
Here's an idea of just how far our Republic has fallen: a short clip from a recent House Natural Resources Committee hearing on oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
Dr. Douglas Brinkley was testifying. If you've seen it before, enjoy it again. If you haven't…I don't want to blow it for you.
A 2 minute clip. Submitted For Your Approval: "I Pay Your Salary!" The full hearing is up on CSPAN (69 minutes).
Enjoy.
Santorum/Gompert 2012!
This man has a say in the future of our Republic? Seriously? We are in more trouble than I ever imagined and I thought I was looking at worst case scenarios.
What is Rep. Gomer Pyle up to now??
This is news? This is hardly a ripple on the surface of a vast ocean of self-delusion. These people think Jesus left Nazareth on the back of a T-Rex.
You know, sometimes, I wish Reagan had never been elected.
Um, I ALWAYS wish Reagan had never been elected. I was an adult then.
Of course, the fact that the widespread burning of oil is causing permafrost to melt, and in general destroying the caribou's habitat doesn't enter into this numbnut's scientific calculations.
gross.
Now that I know this, I am even more against the big Republican Keystone pipeline they add to every bill. I do not want the caribou migrating down through Oklahoma, looking for cheap, sleazy sex. Bunch of reprobates.
This is all light-hearted fun until someone mentions that thousands of American Citizens repeatedly and knowingly cast their precious ballots for this asshat and send him back to Congress to represent them. I AM depressed…
I hope someone called the zoology department about this shocking new development. Hello, Earth to Gohmert? Since when are wild caribou dependent on human intervention, you jack-wipe?
Hey baby wanna check out the warmth of my goo pipe?
Whenever I read an article about Screwy Louie, I am forced, once again, to wonder who the fuck it is that elected him to the House of Fucking Representatives of the Fucking United States.
And then I get kind of depressed, because the idea that there is even one diverticulum of 700K in the great colon of US America that will elect such a desiccated piece of poop suggests strongly that we are well and truly fucked.
Texas is why America can't have nice things, folks.
Best part of this whole story is teh awesome "What the ever-living fuck are you talking about" combined with "I'm surrounded by idiots" look on Anderson's face.
Well that sounds like something to look forward to.
Ahem. Room.
Yes, room for two…or more, I guess. It depends on how you roll. I don't judge.
Forever pitching tents, them Alaskans.
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