america heads to the poles

Rick Santorum To Ruin Everyone’s Fun In Tonight’s Elections

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Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on. This is the long-awaited End of Fun. Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight? Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway?

The trusty Tom Jensen of Public Policy Polling writes that Santorum’s headed for a “big day,” so bring a change of pants. (Ha ha ha, kill me; murder me.)

There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’ Those were groups that had previously been in Gingrich’s column, but it appears right leaning Republican voters are shifting toward Santorum as their primary alternative to Romney. If Santorum does pick up 2 wins and a 2nd place finish tomorrow that trend is likely to be accelerated.

The race in these three states is unusually volatile. 38% of voters in Missouri, 35% in Minnesota, and 31% in Colorado say that they’re still open to changing their votes. If there’s a good piece of news for Romney in this polling it’s that his supporters are more firmly committed than Santorum’s in all three states. He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does.

Chilling.

Make your remaining Newt Gingrich jokes now while you can! We’ll go first: Newt Gingrich is so weird, he’s so weird that he lost a presidential nomination. Ugh.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • chascates

    "Now watch me blow this mike."

    • chicken_thief

      I <3 that photo!!!

      ~ Marcus

      ***fap, fap, fap**

    • elviouslyqueer

      Mic check. MIC CHECK.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Ware's Mike's check for slurping Santorum?

    • MadBrahms

      Mike is a fine name for a rentboy.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Good to know he's not a one trick pony.

    • ElPinche

      i wonder if he tests the mic before he tries to suck the santorum out of it "testicle one two sibilance! . sibilance…."

      I can't remember the movie or show where that came from.

      • Biff

        Used to be a local garage band that did
        "Testor's, one tube"…

  • SorosBot

    Now I know it's boobie appreciation week on Wonkette and all, but that's one boob I don't want to see.

    • MadBrahms

      I like to think that under Obamacare Rick Santorum would be forever confined to a Lactation Chamber, out of sight and out of mind.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It's Boobuary!

      • HistoriCat

        Nice one.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          *curtsies*

      • Biff

        Does that make Newell our new titular head?

  • chascates

    Also:
    O'Reilly: "Bigotry Against Pro-Life People Is I Think Way More Than The Bigotry Against Gay People"
    From the February 6 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor
    http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201202060011

    • DaRooster

      But only because most Pro-Life folks are fucking freaks Bill.

    • SorosBot

      It's not bigotry if you are against someone for their hateful views, Bill. And I don't see any discrimination against the anti-choice people out there at all – and no, being told that they can't force others to abide be their ideology is not discrimination; it's the exact opposite.

    • Baconzgood

      Yeah I've seen a bunch of Pro-life people get their heads smashed in for holding their lovers hand in public.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Pro-life people are not allowed to get married. Heck in the South there's still Jim Crow -era laws against being pro-life in public!

    • Guppy

      Oh Bill. People don't hate you because you're pro-life, we hate you because you're Irish! Get it right!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Right Bill. Because gay people have a demonstrated history of bombing and/or gunning people down who disagree with their viewpoint.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Memo to Bill: Shut the fuck up.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Thank goodness that yammerin' loofah weighed in on this. I was worried.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Your move, rentboy.com.

  • DaRooster

    So Santorum is firming up?

    Soon he will just be shit… hey wait…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    What's he gonna do? Deliver fetuses to the entire state?

    • SorosBot

      I want mine deep-fat fried please.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Extra crispy or original amniotic fluid?

      • MissTaken

        I like my deep fried fetus dipped in ranch dressing.

        • SorosBot

          They're like popcorn chicken; and once you start poppin' the fried fetuses you can't stop.

      • pbrex

        You know, I like babies, I just don't think I could eat a whole one.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Aw, c'mon! It's just a little fetus! Hell, my dog craps bigger!

        • Swampgas_Man

          So order the Premie.

    • MissTaken

      It's not delivery, it's DeZygote.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        NICEly hit, madamoiselle!

        *polite golf clap*

        Martini?

        • MissTaken

          I'm a little disappointed none of my fellow Wonketteers came up with it first. Thanks!

    • Swampgas_Man

      In 30 minutes or less, or it's free!

  • SoBeach

    It's Santorum's turn to be the not-Romney. The least we can do is let him enjoy the next couple of weeks without being mean to him and stuff.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      That caring attitude is what Wonkette is famous for.

    • Biff

      Haha no.

  • Schmannnity

    Anything that prolongs the Republican nomination process cannot be bad news.

  • memzilla

    Is this why Newt needs two bathrooms: to hold back the Santorum Surge?

    [Note to Jim: needs moar alt-text goodness!]

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Newt Gingrich is so fat, it takes him all day to round up his Little Delegate.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Santorum/Smegma '12

  • http://www.eloquentscience.com EloquentScience

    Rick travels so much in this primary, he needs a list to remember to take everything. After a recent campaign stop in MN, the following list was found left in his hotel room:
    * stump speech
    * sweater vest
    * ass lube
    * change of pants.

  • Goonemeritus

    Nice to know three Mid Western States have 1/3rd of their Republican populace so open to experimentation. It should be a real lively night.

  • mrpuma2u

    Let's hope this forces mittens to offer ol' creamy diapers a VP slot. Rick can become the Palin-esque millstone around the neck of Mittens

    • Baconzgood

      SHITTY VP CHOICE LIBLE!!!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I see what you do there

      • chicken_thief

        Wha?! Lou Sarah was a BAD CHOICE?!!!!

        • GOPCrusher

          Yeah, I thought the prevailing wisdom was that without Bible Spice, John McCain would of been blown out of the water.

  • jodyleek

    Open to changing their votes? Or, shall we say, Santorum-curious?

  • meatlofer

    If Santorum does die,can we still bring him to Super Tuesday and show him about?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Rotting Corpse / Zombie Reagan 2012!

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Romney / Santorum in a Jar 2012!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe Santorum can hire Newt's wikipedia custodian to take care of his "google problem."

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Newt's dude is a nerd, not a miracle worker.

  • mavenmaven

    If we're lucky Santorum will run as a third party candidate. Perhaps he'll form his own little nation of Santorumstan and take all the teabaggers with him.

    • Guppy

      I thought it was Pat Buchanan who was the perennial Constitution Party nominee, though.

    • bagofmice

      Santorum and the Teabaggers would be an awesome band name.

  • Pragmatist2

    Ah but his evening will be ruined by the images that will float through his head of gay men in San Francisco celebrating the overturning of Proposition 8. Or, maybe he will enjoy those images.

  • coolhandnuke

    Brother Ricky is testing the airwaves with his new Proposition 8 Inches.

  • Joshua Norton

    those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’

    Mainly because describing themselves as a "bigot" has gotten such a bad rap because of all the liberal PC bullshit.

    • chicken_thief

      Described by everyone else as "old white motherfucker".

    • GOPCrusher

      White Nationalist has a friendly ring to it.

  • ThundercatHo

    Newt Gingrich is so fat that an inmate tried to paint a _____________on his side.

    • Pragmatist2

      "Picture of Newt Gingrich"?????

    • coolhandnuke

      the moon

    • Blueb4sunrise

      I got nuthin…so I went looking for barns.
      http://travelingrainvilles.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83

    • Geminisunmars

      COW

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hitler?

    • flamingpdog

      fun activities in the shower scene?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      replica of Guernica?

  • Indiepalin

    All four of those motherfuckers should be committed.

  • chicken_thief

    "38% of voters in Missouri, 35% in Minnesota, and 31% in Colorado say that they’re still open to changing their votes."

    This is good news for Tim Pawlenty!

    • flamingpdog

      Who?

    • Geminisunmars

      Who?

    • Nostrildamus

      Feel the Pawlentum.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Whzzzzzzzzzz?

  • qwerty42

    The whatever it is called identifies this as
    "AMERICA HEADS TO THE POLES"
    So is it Poles from Poland, some strip joint or the North/South ones?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Psst, it's called a "headline". Like what Santorum's giving that mic.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If there’s a good piece of news for Romney in this polling it’s that his supporters are more firmly committed than Santorum’s in all three states. He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does.

    But I thought to get Santorum, you need a firm base and to be firmly committed.

    (They just write themselves, don't they.)

    • Guppy

      Even then it will be a tight race.

  • hollywooddood

    But when he loses, I hope he continues to focus on gay weddings and fetuses.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe in his concession speech tonight, he will reference how the Santorum Administration will get rid of these activist judges that ruled that Prop 8 is Unconstitutional.

  • ph7

    There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’

    Talk about a victory party!!!!

    • chicken_thief

      Each group could also be described as "poor". Otherwise the geriatric crackers would have already moved to the Villages.

  • Baconzgood

    Tee-Hee

    "Santorum Tea-bagging"

  • Allmighty_Manos

    So it took tea partiers and evangelicals at least two months to figure out that a serial adulterer and former Fannie Mae lobbyist wasn't exactly the best representative of their values. Assholes.

    • chicken_thief

      The choice would be so much simpler if only Zombie Reagan would return.

      • Biff

        Has he ever gone away?

  • slithytoves

    There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’

    Jensen is an idiot, from what I can see that's all one group, not three. Stop inflating the ranks of the fringe!!

    Seriously, a Venn diagram of the demographics on this would prove me right.

  • neiltheblaze

    OK America! We blew our chance with Shelly Bachmann, are we going to blow it again?!?! Jeebus only has so many awesome candidates each election cycle, people!

  • Antispandex

    When can the Newt expect the Palin bounce?

    • ph7

      The moment of her reverse cowgirl climax, I suspect.

      • chicken_thief

        Sarah, Bristol, or Tawd?

        • flamingpdog

          All

  • Oblios_Cap

    Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway?

    Why yes; yes he did. He's Zombie Santorum now, much like Jebus, his American Idol.

    • SayItWithWookies

      "Zombie Santorum" — now that's gonna give necrophilia a bad name.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’"

    Or, if you're into the whole brevity thing, "assholes."

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Ron Paul is now officially FABulous

  • not that Dewey

    This is the second post today about some Republican nitwit who wants to unite "Tea Partiers and Evangelicals" — one a group of racist libertarian anarchists , the other a group of raging theocratic monarchists. I can't wait to see what platform they come up with that satisfies both of these demographics.

    I mean, apart from "get the negro out of the White House".

    • HistoriCat

      As slithytoves said above, there's not that much difference between them. The Tea Partiers are about as libertarian as I am – which is to say, not at all. They really are the Republican base – which is probably the same as 75%+ of the Evangelicals as well.

    • GOPCrusher

      "Keep my tax dollars out of the Abortionplex!"

      • not that Dewey

        Two great tastes that taste great together!

    • tessiee

      "I can't wait to see what platform they come up with that satisfies both of these demographics."

      "Kill all the blackitude"
      "PS Gayitude too"

  • SoBeach

    "…which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on."

    On the other hand, you'll get to post more of that weird picture of Santorum's daughter making a pouty face at a press conference.

    I know, it's not as fun as skeezy, jiggly, yelly, red-faced Newt flirting with a stroke on the teevee, but it's kind of fun.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Susan G Komen is underwriting it!

    • chicken_thief

      Komen can no longer get a Handel on it…

  • Data Exactly

    Newt Gingrich is so fat, when somebody called him Java The Hun, he said "Thank you for not confusing me with Jupiter."

    • flamingpdog

      Or Uranus.

  • Callyson

    God, it is so hard to get rid of santorum. Every time you think it's been scrubbed away you find a new spot of it.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Jim, don't despair! Newt is not leaving soon. He will be with us always.

    He'll be all around in the dark – He'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there's a fight, so powerful people can have sex with their interns, he'll be there. Wherever there's a OWS guy being beatin' by a cop, he'll be there. He'll be in the way rich guys yell when they're taxed. he'll be in the way kids scream when they're hungry and they know their government assistance has been cut, and when there's a charge account at Tiffany's or people are being thrown out of the houses they build – He'll be there, too.

    • flamingpdog

      Sunday morning TV talk shows will be a McCain/Gingrich tag team, without the folding chairs..

    • Isyaignert

      Gnewt is the turd that would not flush.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I'll bet this isn't Romney's first Tuesday night takedown that ended up getting ruined by Santorum.

    • tessiee

      Are we counting that time in the boathouse with Rick Perry and his craigslist pickup?

  • Steverino247

    "He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does."

    Yup. They're called "Mormons." But then, you can't firm up santorum without a drastic drop in the air temperature or…well…let's leave it at that, shall we?

    • flamingpdog

      It's 24 degrees F with light snow in Jesusrado Springs, CO at the moment, so good news for Ricky there.

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey Newt, there's a job opening at the Koman Cancer Foundation.

    • tessiee

      Nah, he'd have to divorce all his co-workers.

  • RedneckMuslin

    "There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative."

    If there truly was a loving God, he'd kill this fucker.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Maybe if Newt's flunkies hadn't been so busy scrubbing his & Callistwat's wiki-entries, they could've dug up some fresh dirt in time to smear ol' Santorum where it counts.

    ETA: dear god, that sounded awful in more ways than one..

    • SayItWithWookies

      How ironic that in a race involving Santorum, it's Newt who needs someone to clean up behind him.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    If only there was a way to consolidate the two. Perhaps Newt could eat Rick.

    • HistoriCat

      Worst fanfic porn evar!

    • tessiee

      They'd both enjoy that *way* too much.

  • Crank_Tango

    I gotta say, I love seeing that byline. Welcome Back, Ginger!

  • Guppy

    Wonkette needs Santorum, though! Unless new details come to light of Newt's sexual tastes, only Santorum can deliver us the necessary ass-fucking references needed to meet the obligations of Wonkette's mission statement!

    • flamingpdog

      Wonkette has a mission statement? I thought it was an emission statement.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      only Santorum can deliver us the necessary ass-fucking references needed to meet the obligations of Wonkette's mission statement!

      He'd better keep on it, because the alternative is actual ass-fuckings for Wonketeers….

  • Sue4466

    Don't care about Santorum or Gingrich. Today is the day of this: "'Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples." ~ Hon. Stephen Reinhardt, Perry v. Brown (Feb. 7, 2012).

  • chitrade

    Mursi – Newell – Mursi – Newell – Colville -Newell

    Is this some weird sort of blog post tennis match? Or is Jim trying to "Add as much value as possible — the Romney way" before the End Times are upon us?

  • flamingpdog

    Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight?

    Well, duh, he's a Funendmentalist!

    • AlterNewt

      It's what they DO.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Rick is trying too hard to make it look like he doesn't know how to fellate a M/mike (shades of Marcus B scrunching his fat face on that corn dog).

    • tessiee

      It's not that he doesn't know how to fellate, it's that his freakishly small hands make it difficult.

  • Nostrildamus

    Work the base, Rick!

    • WiscDad

      Work the base??? He's too busy working the head.

    • Biff

      Way to poiticize a loving act!

  • MissTaken

    I have to agree. At least here in SF, today is definitely a big day for Santorum.

  • WiscDad

    That photo could use some animation…like Perrys corndog

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Guys, please, the sight of that tiny, hairless, whisper-soft hand still gives me nightmares.

  • GOPCrusher

    I LOL'd at the description of Tea Baggers, Evangelicals, and those that describe themselves as very conservative.
    You mean it gets worse than Tea Baggers and Evangelicals?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      There's still the paranoid black-UN-helicopter, one-world-order, Agenda-21 crowd. You need some serious right-wing crazy cred to get those clowns into your car.

  • owhatever

    After today, Santorum will realize most of America wouldn't follow him to a free showing of Debbie Does Dallas, 2012. That will cut the candidate field to Curly, Larry and Moe.

  • ElPinche

    It's Raining Fetuses! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!

  • unclejeems

    If Santorum got to the White House, would we have to start calling it the Brown House?

  • Isyaignert

    Rick, doood, take a hit off of the vaporizer in the green room, not on stage!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    why is he snorting the microphone??

  • coolhandnuke

    It is a tweet. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing.

  • ttommyunger

    Alt Cap: "Now pay attention, Newt, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."