AMERICA HEADS TO THE POLES  2:16 pm February 7, 2012

Rick Santorum To Ruin Everyone’s Fun In Tonight’s Elections

by Jim Newell

Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on. This is the long-awaited End of Fun. Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight? Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway?

The trusty Tom Jensen of Public Policy Polling writes that Santorum’s headed for a “big day,” so bring a change of pants. (Ha ha ha, kill me; murder me.)

There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’ Those were groups that had previously been in Gingrich’s column, but it appears right leaning Republican voters are shifting toward Santorum as their primary alternative to Romney. If Santorum does pick up 2 wins and a 2nd place finish tomorrow that trend is likely to be accelerated.

The race in these three states is unusually volatile. 38% of voters in Missouri, 35% in Minnesota, and 31% in Colorado say that they’re still open to changing their votes. If there’s a good piece of news for Romney in this polling it’s that his supporters are more firmly committed than Santorum’s in all three states. He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does.

Chilling.

Make your remaining Newt Gingrich jokes now while you can! We’ll go first: Newt Gingrich is so weird, he’s so weird that he lost a presidential nomination. Ugh.

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 153 comments }

chascates February 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm

"Now watch me blow this mike."

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I <3 that photo!!!

~ Marcus

***fap, fap, fap**

elviouslyqueer February 7, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Mic check. MIC CHECK.

Swampgas_Man February 7, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Ware's Mike's check for slurping Santorum?

MadBrahms February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Mike is a fine name for a rentboy.

HogeyeGrex February 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Good to know he's not a one trick pony.

ElPinche February 7, 2012 at 4:27 pm

i wonder if he tests the mic before he tries to suck the santorum out of it "testicle one two sibilance! . sibilance…."

I can't remember the movie or show where that came from.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Used to be a local garage band that did
"Testor's, one tube"…

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Now I know it's boobie appreciation week on Wonkette and all, but that's one boob I don't want to see.

MadBrahms February 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I like to think that under Obamacare Rick Santorum would be forever confined to a Lactation Chamber, out of sight and out of mind.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

It's Boobuary!

HistoriCat February 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Nice one.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

*curtsies*

Biff February 7, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Does that make Newell our new titular head?

chascates February 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Also:
O'Reilly: "Bigotry Against Pro-Life People Is I Think Way More Than The Bigotry Against Gay People"
From the February 6 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor
http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201202060011

DaRooster February 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

But only because most Pro-Life folks are fucking freaks Bill.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm

It's not bigotry if you are against someone for their hateful views, Bill. And I don't see any discrimination against the anti-choice people out there at all – and no, being told that they can't force others to abide be their ideology is not discrimination; it's the exact opposite.

Baconzgood February 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Yeah I've seen a bunch of Pro-life people get their heads smashed in for holding their lovers hand in public.

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Pro-life people are not allowed to get married. Heck in the South there's still Jim Crow -era laws against being pro-life in public!

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Oh Bill. People don't hate you because you're pro-life, we hate you because you're Irish! Get it right!

elviouslyqueer February 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Right Bill. Because gay people have a demonstrated history of bombing and/or gunning people down who disagree with their viewpoint.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 7, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Memo to Bill: Shut the fuck up.

Loaded_Pants February 7, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Thank goodness that yammerin' loofah weighed in on this. I was worried.

WhatTheHolyHeck February 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Your move, rentboy.com.

DaRooster February 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

So Santorum is firming up?

Soon he will just be shit… hey wait…

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:20 pm

What's he gonna do? Deliver fetuses to the entire state?

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I want mine deep-fat fried please.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Extra crispy or original amniotic fluid?

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I like my deep fried fetus dipped in ranch dressing.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

They're like popcorn chicken; and once you start poppin' the fried fetuses you can't stop.

pbrex February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

You know, I like babies, I just don't think I could eat a whole one.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Aw, c'mon! It's just a little fetus! Hell, my dog craps bigger!

Swampgas_Man February 7, 2012 at 3:38 pm

So order the Premie.

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

It's not delivery, it's DeZygote.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

NICEly hit, madamoiselle!

*polite golf clap*

Martini?

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I'm a little disappointed none of my fellow Wonketteers came up with it first. Thanks!

Swampgas_Man February 7, 2012 at 3:38 pm

In 30 minutes or less, or it's free!

SoBeach February 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

It's Santorum's turn to be the not-Romney. The least we can do is let him enjoy the next couple of weeks without being mean to him and stuff.

Blueb4sunrise February 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

That caring attitude is what Wonkette is famous for.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Haha no.

Schmannnity February 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Anything that prolongs the Republican nomination process cannot be bad news.

memzilla February 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Is this why Newt needs two bathrooms: to hold back the Santorum Surge?

[Note to Jim: needs moar alt-text goodness!]

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Newt Gingrich is so fat, it takes him all day to round up his Little Delegate.

PeaceWithHonor February 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Santorum/Smegma '12

EloquentScience February 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Rick travels so much in this primary, he needs a list to remember to take everything. After a recent campaign stop in MN, the following list was found left in his hotel room:
* stump speech
* sweater vest
* ass lube
* change of pants.

Goonemeritus February 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Nice to know three Mid Western States have 1/3rd of their Republican populace so open to experimentation. It should be a real lively night.

mrpuma2u February 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Let's hope this forces mittens to offer ol' creamy diapers a VP slot. Rick can become the Palin-esque millstone around the neck of Mittens

Baconzgood February 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm

SHITTY VP CHOICE LIBLE!!!

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I see what you do there

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Wha?! Lou Sarah was a BAD CHOICE?!!!!

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Yeah, I thought the prevailing wisdom was that without Bible Spice, John McCain would of been blown out of the water.

jodyleek February 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Open to changing their votes? Or, shall we say, Santorum-curious?

meatlofer February 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

If Santorum does die,can we still bring him to Super Tuesday and show him about?

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Rotting Corpse / Zombie Reagan 2012!

deanbooth February 7, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Romney / Santorum in a Jar 2012!

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Maybe Santorum can hire Newt's wikipedia custodian to take care of his "google problem."

Maman February 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Newt's dude is a nerd, not a miracle worker.

mavenmaven February 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

If we're lucky Santorum will run as a third party candidate. Perhaps he'll form his own little nation of Santorumstan and take all the teabaggers with him.

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I thought it was Pat Buchanan who was the perennial Constitution Party nominee, though.

bagofmice February 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Santorum and the Teabaggers would be an awesome band name.

Pragmatist2 February 7, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Ah but his evening will be ruined by the images that will float through his head of gay men in San Francisco celebrating the overturning of Proposition 8. Or, maybe he will enjoy those images.

coolhandnuke February 7, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Brother Ricky is testing the airwaves with his new Proposition 8 Inches.

Joshua Norton February 7, 2012 at 2:25 pm

those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’

Mainly because describing themselves as a "bigot" has gotten such a bad rap because of all the liberal PC bullshit.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Described by everyone else as "old white motherfucker".

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm

White Nationalist has a friendly ring to it.

ThundercatHo February 7, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Newt Gingrich is so fat that an inmate tried to paint a _____________on his side.

Pragmatist2 February 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"Picture of Newt Gingrich"?????

coolhandnuke February 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

the moon

Blueb4sunrise February 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I got nuthin…so I went looking for barns.
http://travelingrainvilles.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83

Geminisunmars February 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

COW

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Hitler?

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm

fun activities in the shower scene?

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

replica of Guernica?

Indiepalin February 7, 2012 at 2:26 pm

All four of those motherfuckers should be committed.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:27 pm

"38% of voters in Missouri, 35% in Minnesota, and 31% in Colorado say that they’re still open to changing their votes."

This is good news for Tim Pawlenty!

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Who?

Geminisunmars February 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Who?

Nostrildamus February 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Feel the Pawlentum.

ShaveTheWhales February 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Whzzzzzzzzzz?

qwerty42 February 7, 2012 at 2:27 pm

The whatever it is called identifies this as
"AMERICA HEADS TO THE POLES"
So is it Poles from Poland, some strip joint or the North/South ones?

Swampgas_Man February 7, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Psst, it's called a "headline". Like what Santorum's giving that mic.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 7, 2012 at 2:27 pm

If there’s a good piece of news for Romney in this polling it’s that his supporters are more firmly committed than Santorum’s in all three states. He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does.

But I thought to get Santorum, you need a firm base and to be firmly committed.

(They just write themselves, don't they.)

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Even then it will be a tight race.

hollywooddood February 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm

But when he loses, I hope he continues to focus on gay weddings and fetuses.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Maybe in his concession speech tonight, he will reference how the Santorum Administration will get rid of these activist judges that ruled that Prop 8 is Unconstitutional.

ph7 February 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm

There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’

Talk about a victory party!!!!

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Each group could also be described as "poor". Otherwise the geriatric crackers would have already moved to the Villages.

Baconzgood February 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Tee-Hee

"Santorum Tea-bagging"

Allmighty_Manos February 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

So it took tea partiers and evangelicals at least two months to figure out that a serial adulterer and former Fannie Mae lobbyist wasn't exactly the best representative of their values. Assholes.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm

The choice would be so much simpler if only Zombie Reagan would return.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Has he ever gone away?

slithytoves February 7, 2012 at 2:30 pm

There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’

Jensen is an idiot, from what I can see that's all one group, not three. Stop inflating the ranks of the fringe!!

Seriously, a Venn diagram of the demographics on this would prove me right.

neiltheblaze February 7, 2012 at 2:30 pm

OK America! We blew our chance with Shelly Bachmann, are we going to blow it again?!?! Jeebus only has so many awesome candidates each election cycle, people!

Antispandex February 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

When can the Newt expect the Palin bounce?

ph7 February 7, 2012 at 2:44 pm

The moment of her reverse cowgirl climax, I suspect.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Sarah, Bristol, or Tawd?

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

All

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway?

Why yes; yes he did. He's Zombie Santorum now, much like Jebus, his American Idol.

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 2:54 pm

"Zombie Santorum" — now that's gonna give necrophilia a bad name.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’"

Or, if you're into the whole brevity thing, "assholes."

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Ron Paul is now officially FABulous

not that Dewey February 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm

This is the second post today about some Republican nitwit who wants to unite "Tea Partiers and Evangelicals" — one a group of racist libertarian anarchists , the other a group of raging theocratic monarchists. I can't wait to see what platform they come up with that satisfies both of these demographics.

I mean, apart from "get the negro out of the White House".

HistoriCat February 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm

As slithytoves said above, there's not that much difference between them. The Tea Partiers are about as libertarian as I am – which is to say, not at all. They really are the Republican base – which is probably the same as 75%+ of the Evangelicals as well.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

"Keep my tax dollars out of the Abortionplex!"

not that Dewey February 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Two great tastes that taste great together!

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:10 pm

"I can't wait to see what platform they come up with that satisfies both of these demographics."

"Kill all the blackitude"
"PS Gayitude too"

SoBeach February 7, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"…which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on."

On the other hand, you'll get to post more of that weird picture of Santorum's daughter making a pouty face at a press conference.

I know, it's not as fun as skeezy, jiggly, yelly, red-faced Newt flirting with a stroke on the teevee, but it's kind of fun.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Susan G Komen is underwriting it!

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Komen can no longer get a Handel on it…

Data Exactly February 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Newt Gingrich is so fat, when somebody called him Java The Hun, he said "Thank you for not confusing me with Jupiter."

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Or Uranus.

Callyson February 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

God, it is so hard to get rid of santorum. Every time you think it's been scrubbed away you find a new spot of it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Jim, don't despair! Newt is not leaving soon. He will be with us always.

He'll be all around in the dark – He'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there's a fight, so powerful people can have sex with their interns, he'll be there. Wherever there's a OWS guy being beatin' by a cop, he'll be there. He'll be in the way rich guys yell when they're taxed. he'll be in the way kids scream when they're hungry and they know their government assistance has been cut, and when there's a charge account at Tiffany's or people are being thrown out of the houses they build – He'll be there, too.

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Sunday morning TV talk shows will be a McCain/Gingrich tag team, without the folding chairs..

Isyaignert February 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Gnewt is the turd that would not flush.

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I'll bet this isn't Romney's first Tuesday night takedown that ended up getting ruined by Santorum.

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Are we counting that time in the boathouse with Rick Perry and his craigslist pickup?

Steverino247 February 7, 2012 at 2:39 pm

"He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does."

Yup. They're called "Mormons." But then, you can't firm up santorum without a drastic drop in the air temperature or…well…let's leave it at that, shall we?

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It's 24 degrees F with light snow in Jesusrado Springs, CO at the moment, so good news for Ricky there.

Radiotherapy February 7, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Hey Newt, there's a job opening at the Koman Cancer Foundation.

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Nah, he'd have to divorce all his co-workers.

RedneckMuslin February 7, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative."

If there truly was a loving God, he'd kill this fucker.

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Maybe if Newt's flunkies hadn't been so busy scrubbing his & Callistwat's wiki-entries, they could've dug up some fresh dirt in time to smear ol' Santorum where it counts.

ETA: dear god, that sounded awful in more ways than one..

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

How ironic that in a race involving Santorum, it's Newt who needs someone to clean up behind him.

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

If only there was a way to consolidate the two. Perhaps Newt could eat Rick.

HistoriCat February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Worst fanfic porn evar!

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:14 pm

They'd both enjoy that *way* too much.

Crank_Tango February 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I gotta say, I love seeing that byline. Welcome Back, Ginger!

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Wonkette needs Santorum, though! Unless new details come to light of Newt's sexual tastes, only Santorum can deliver us the necessary ass-fucking references needed to meet the obligations of Wonkette's mission statement!

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Wonkette has a mission statement? I thought it was an emission statement.

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I'm just going by an ancient amicus filing. "Sodomy" is clearly listed.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

only Santorum can deliver us the necessary ass-fucking references needed to meet the obligations of Wonkette's mission statement!

He'd better keep on it, because the alternative is actual ass-fuckings for Wonketeers….

Sue4466 February 7, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Don't care about Santorum or Gingrich. Today is the day of this: "'Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples." ~ Hon. Stephen Reinhardt, Perry v. Brown (Feb. 7, 2012).

chitrade February 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Mursi – Newell – Mursi – Newell – Colville -Newell

Is this some weird sort of blog post tennis match? Or is Jim trying to "Add as much value as possible — the Romney way" before the End Times are upon us?

flamingpdog February 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight?

Well, duh, he's a Funendmentalist!

AlterNewt February 7, 2012 at 4:16 pm

It's what they DO.

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Rick is trying too hard to make it look like he doesn't know how to fellate a M/mike (shades of Marcus B scrunching his fat face on that corn dog).

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:17 pm

It's not that he doesn't know how to fellate, it's that his freakishly small hands make it difficult.

Nostrildamus February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Work the base, Rick!

WiscDad February 7, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Work the base??? He's too busy working the head.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Way to poiticize a loving act!

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I have to agree. At least here in SF, today is definitely a big day for Santorum.

WiscDad February 7, 2012 at 3:18 pm

That photo could use some animation…like Perrys corndog

slowhansolo February 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Guys, please, the sight of that tiny, hairless, whisper-soft hand still gives me nightmares.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I LOL'd at the description of Tea Baggers, Evangelicals, and those that describe themselves as very conservative.
You mean it gets worse than Tea Baggers and Evangelicals?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 7, 2012 at 6:21 pm

There's still the paranoid black-UN-helicopter, one-world-order, Agenda-21 crowd. You need some serious right-wing crazy cred to get those clowns into your car.

owhatever February 7, 2012 at 4:19 pm

After today, Santorum will realize most of America wouldn't follow him to a free showing of Debbie Does Dallas, 2012. That will cut the candidate field to Curly, Larry and Moe.

ElPinche February 7, 2012 at 4:30 pm

It's Raining Fetuses! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!

unclejeems February 7, 2012 at 6:30 pm

If Santorum got to the White House, would we have to start calling it the Brown House?

Isyaignert February 7, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Rick, doood, take a hit off of the vaporizer in the green room, not on stage!

BZ1 February 7, 2012 at 7:51 pm

why is he snorting the microphone??

coolhandnuke February 7, 2012 at 8:18 pm

It is a tweet. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing.

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Alt Cap: "Now pay attention, Newt, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

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