Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on. This is the long-awaited End of Fun. Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight? Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway?
The trusty Tom Jensen of Public Policy Polling writes that Santorum’s headed for a “big day,” so bring a change of pants. (Ha ha ha, kill me; murder me.)
There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’ Those were groups that had previously been in Gingrich’s column, but it appears right leaning Republican voters are shifting toward Santorum as their primary alternative to Romney. If Santorum does pick up 2 wins and a 2nd place finish tomorrow that trend is likely to be accelerated.
The race in these three states is unusually volatile. 38% of voters in Missouri, 35% in Minnesota, and 31% in Colorado say that they’re still open to changing their votes. If there’s a good piece of news for Romney in this polling it’s that his supporters are more firmly committed than Santorum’s in all three states. He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does.
Chilling.
Make your remaining Newt Gingrich jokes now while you can! We’ll go first: Newt Gingrich is so weird, he’s so weird that he lost a presidential nomination. Ugh.
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"Now watch me blow this mike."
I <3 that photo!!!
~ Marcus
***fap, fap, fap**
Mic check. MIC CHECK.
Ware's Mike's check for slurping Santorum?
Mike is a fine name for a rentboy.
Good to know he's not a one trick pony.
i wonder if he tests the mic before he tries to suck the santorum out of it "testicle one two sibilance! . sibilance…."
I can't remember the movie or show where that came from.
Used to be a local garage band that did
"Testor's, one tube"…
Now I know it's boobie appreciation week on Wonkette and all, but that's one boob I don't want to see.
I like to think that under Obamacare Rick Santorum would be forever confined to a Lactation Chamber, out of sight and out of mind.
It's Boobuary!
Nice one.
*curtsies*
Does that make Newell our new titular head?
Also:
O'Reilly: "Bigotry Against Pro-Life People Is I Think Way More Than The Bigotry Against Gay People"
From the February 6 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201202060011
But only because most Pro-Life folks are fucking freaks Bill.
It's not bigotry if you are against someone for their hateful views, Bill. And I don't see any discrimination against the anti-choice people out there at all – and no, being told that they can't force others to abide be their ideology is not discrimination; it's the exact opposite.
Yeah I've seen a bunch of Pro-life people get their heads smashed in for holding their lovers hand in public.
Pro-life people are not allowed to get married. Heck in the South there's still Jim Crow -era laws against being pro-life in public!
Oh Bill. People don't hate you because you're pro-life, we hate you because you're Irish! Get it right!
Right Bill. Because gay people have a demonstrated history of bombing and/or gunning people down who disagree with their viewpoint.
Memo to Bill: Shut the fuck up.
Thank goodness that yammerin' loofah weighed in on this. I was worried.
Your move, rentboy.com.
So Santorum is firming up?
Soon he will just be shit… hey wait…
What's he gonna do? Deliver fetuses to the entire state?
I want mine deep-fat fried please.
Extra crispy or original amniotic fluid?
I like my deep fried fetus dipped in ranch dressing.
They're like popcorn chicken; and once you start poppin' the fried fetuses you can't stop.
You know, I like babies, I just don't think I could eat a whole one.
Aw, c'mon! It's just a little fetus! Hell, my dog craps bigger!
So order the Premie.
It's not delivery, it's DeZygote.
NICEly hit, madamoiselle!
*polite golf clap*
Martini?
I'm a little disappointed none of my fellow Wonketteers came up with it first. Thanks!
In 30 minutes or less, or it's free!
It's Santorum's turn to be the not-Romney. The least we can do is let him enjoy the next couple of weeks without being mean to him and stuff.
That caring attitude is what Wonkette is famous for.
Haha no.
Anything that prolongs the Republican nomination process cannot be bad news.
Is this why Newt needs two bathrooms: to hold back the Santorum Surge?
[Note to Jim: needs moar alt-text goodness!]
Newt Gingrich is so fat, it takes him all day to round up his Little Delegate.
Santorum/Smegma '12
Rick travels so much in this primary, he needs a list to remember to take everything. After a recent campaign stop in MN, the following list was found left in his hotel room:
* stump speech
* sweater vest
* ass lube
* change of pants.
Nice to know three Mid Western States have 1/3rd of their Republican populace so open to experimentation. It should be a real lively night.
Let's hope this forces mittens to offer ol' creamy diapers a VP slot. Rick can become the Palin-esque millstone around the neck of Mittens
SHITTY VP CHOICE LIBLE!!!
I see what you do there
Wha?! Lou Sarah was a BAD CHOICE?!!!!
Yeah, I thought the prevailing wisdom was that without Bible Spice, John McCain would of been blown out of the water.
Open to changing their votes? Or, shall we say, Santorum-curious?
If Santorum does die,can we still bring him to Super Tuesday and show him about?
Rotting Corpse / Zombie Reagan 2012!
Romney / Santorum in a Jar 2012!
Maybe Santorum can hire Newt's wikipedia custodian to take care of his "google problem."
Newt's dude is a nerd, not a miracle worker.
If we're lucky Santorum will run as a third party candidate. Perhaps he'll form his own little nation of Santorumstan and take all the teabaggers with him.
I thought it was Pat Buchanan who was the perennial Constitution Party nominee, though.
Santorum and the Teabaggers would be an awesome band name.
Ah but his evening will be ruined by the images that will float through his head of gay men in San Francisco celebrating the overturning of Proposition 8. Or, maybe he will enjoy those images.
Brother Ricky is testing the airwaves with his new Proposition 8 Inches.
those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’
Mainly because describing themselves as a "bigot" has gotten such a bad rap because of all the liberal PC bullshit.
Described by everyone else as "old white motherfucker".
White Nationalist has a friendly ring to it.
Newt Gingrich is so fat that an inmate tried to paint a _____________on his side.
"Picture of Newt Gingrich"?????
the moon
I got nuthin…so I went looking for barns.
http://travelingrainvilles.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83…
COW
Hitler?
fun activities in the shower scene?
replica of Guernica?
All four of those motherfuckers should be committed.
"38% of voters in Missouri, 35% in Minnesota, and 31% in Colorado say that they’re still open to changing their votes."
This is good news for Tim Pawlenty!
Who?
Who?
Feel the Pawlentum.
Whzzzzzzzzzz?
The whatever it is called identifies this as
"AMERICA HEADS TO THE POLES"
So is it Poles from Poland, some strip joint or the North/South ones?
Psst, it's called a "headline". Like what Santorum's giving that mic.
If there’s a good piece of news for Romney in this polling it’s that his supporters are more firmly committed than Santorum’s in all three states. He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does.
But I thought to get Santorum, you need a firm base and to be firmly committed.
(They just write themselves, don't they.)
Even then it will be a tight race.
But when he loses, I hope he continues to focus on gay weddings and fetuses.
Maybe in his concession speech tonight, he will reference how the Santorum Administration will get rid of these activist judges that ruled that Prop 8 is Unconstitutional.
There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’
Talk about a victory party!!!!
Each group could also be described as "poor". Otherwise the geriatric crackers would have already moved to the Villages.
Tee-Hee
"Santorum Tea-bagging"
So it took tea partiers and evangelicals at least two months to figure out that a serial adulterer and former Fannie Mae lobbyist wasn't exactly the best representative of their values. Assholes.
The choice would be so much simpler if only Zombie Reagan would return.
Has he ever gone away?
There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’
Jensen is an idiot, from what I can see that's all one group, not three. Stop inflating the ranks of the fringe!!
Seriously, a Venn diagram of the demographics on this would prove me right.
OK America! We blew our chance with Shelly Bachmann, are we going to blow it again?!?! Jeebus only has so many awesome candidates each election cycle, people!
When can the Newt expect the Palin bounce?
The moment of her reverse cowgirl climax, I suspect.
Sarah, Bristol, or Tawd?
All
Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway?
Why yes; yes he did. He's Zombie Santorum now, much like Jebus, his American Idol.
"Zombie Santorum" — now that's gonna give necrophilia a bad name.
"There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative.’"
Or, if you're into the whole brevity thing, "assholes."
Ron Paul is now officially FABulous
This is the second post today about some Republican nitwit who wants to unite "Tea Partiers and Evangelicals" — one a group of racist libertarian anarchists , the other a group of raging theocratic monarchists. I can't wait to see what platform they come up with that satisfies both of these demographics.
I mean, apart from "get the negro out of the White House".
As slithytoves said above, there's not that much difference between them. The Tea Partiers are about as libertarian as I am – which is to say, not at all. They really are the Republican base – which is probably the same as 75%+ of the Evangelicals as well.
"Keep my tax dollars out of the Abortionplex!"
Two great tastes that taste great together!
"I can't wait to see what platform they come up with that satisfies both of these demographics."
"Kill all the blackitude"
"PS Gayitude too"
"…which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on."
On the other hand, you'll get to post more of that weird picture of Santorum's daughter making a pouty face at a press conference.
I know, it's not as fun as skeezy, jiggly, yelly, red-faced Newt flirting with a stroke on the teevee, but it's kind of fun.
Susan G Komen is underwriting it!
Komen can no longer get a Handel on it…
Newt Gingrich is so fat, when somebody called him Java The Hun, he said "Thank you for not confusing me with Jupiter."
Or Uranus.
God, it is so hard to get rid of santorum. Every time you think it's been scrubbed away you find a new spot of it.
Jim, don't despair! Newt is not leaving soon. He will be with us always.
He'll be all around in the dark – He'll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there's a fight, so powerful people can have sex with their interns, he'll be there. Wherever there's a OWS guy being beatin' by a cop, he'll be there. He'll be in the way rich guys yell when they're taxed. he'll be in the way kids scream when they're hungry and they know their government assistance has been cut, and when there's a charge account at Tiffany's or people are being thrown out of the houses they build – He'll be there, too.
Sunday morning TV talk shows will be a McCain/Gingrich tag team, without the folding chairs..
Gnewt is the turd that would not flush.
I'll bet this isn't Romney's first Tuesday night takedown that ended up getting ruined by Santorum.
Are we counting that time in the boathouse with Rick Perry and his craigslist pickup?
"He has a firmer base of support he can rely on to show up for him tomorrow than Santorum does."
Yup. They're called "Mormons." But then, you can't firm up santorum without a drastic drop in the air temperature or…well…let's leave it at that, shall we?
It's 24 degrees F with light snow in Jesusrado Springs, CO at the moment, so good news for Ricky there.
Hey Newt, there's a job opening at the Koman Cancer Foundation.
Nah, he'd have to divorce all his co-workers.
"There are three groups Santorum’s winning in all three of these states: Tea Partiers, Evangelicals, and those describing themselves as ‘very conservative."
If there truly was a loving God, he'd kill this fucker.
Maybe if Newt's flunkies hadn't been so busy scrubbing his & Callistwat's wiki-entries, they could've dug up some fresh dirt in time to smear ol' Santorum where it counts.
ETA: dear god, that sounded awful in more ways than one..
How ironic that in a race involving Santorum, it's Newt who needs someone to clean up behind him.
If only there was a way to consolidate the two. Perhaps Newt could eat Rick.
Worst fanfic porn evar!
They'd both enjoy that *way* too much.
I gotta say, I love seeing that byline. Welcome Back, Ginger!
Wonkette needs Santorum, though! Unless new details come to light of Newt's sexual tastes, only Santorum can deliver us the necessary ass-fucking references needed to meet the obligations of Wonkette's mission statement!
Wonkette has a mission statement? I thought it was an emission statement.
I'm just going by an ancient amicus filing. "Sodomy" is clearly listed.
only Santorum can deliver us the necessary ass-fucking references needed to meet the obligations of Wonkette's mission statement!
He'd better keep on it, because the alternative is actual ass-fuckings for Wonketeers….
Don't care about Santorum or Gingrich. Today is the day of this: "'Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples." ~ Hon. Stephen Reinhardt, Perry v. Brown (Feb. 7, 2012).
Mursi – Newell – Mursi – Newell – Colville -Newell
Is this some weird sort of blog post tennis match? Or is Jim trying to "Add as much value as possible — the Romney way" before the End Times are upon us?
Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight?
Well, duh, he's a Funendmentalist!
It's what they DO.
Rick is trying too hard to make it look like he doesn't know how to fellate a M/mike (shades of Marcus B scrunching his fat face on that corn dog).
It's not that he doesn't know how to fellate, it's that his freakishly small hands make it difficult.
Work the base, Rick!
Work the base??? He's too busy working the head.
Way to poiticize a loving act!
I have to agree. At least here in SF, today is definitely a big day for Santorum.
That photo could use some animation…like Perrys corndog
Guys, please, the sight of that tiny, hairless, whisper-soft hand still gives me nightmares.
I LOL'd at the description of Tea Baggers, Evangelicals, and those that describe themselves as very conservative.
You mean it gets worse than Tea Baggers and Evangelicals?
There's still the paranoid black-UN-helicopter, one-world-order, Agenda-21 crowd. You need some serious right-wing crazy cred to get those clowns into your car.
After today, Santorum will realize most of America wouldn't follow him to a free showing of Debbie Does Dallas, 2012. That will cut the candidate field to Curly, Larry and Moe.
It's Raining Fetuses! Amen! I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!
If Santorum got to the White House, would we have to start calling it the Brown House?
Rick, doood, take a hit off of the vaporizer in the green room, not on stage!
why is he snorting the microphone??
It is a tweet. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing.
Alt Cap: "Now pay attention, Newt, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."
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