PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT  2:50 pm February 7, 2012

Mentioning Coffee In Romney’s Presence a Form of Grave Offense

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Fudge, however, is not against the rules.

One unfortunate Mitt Romney supporter in Florida seems to have discovered a novel way of getting kicked out of a campaign event: Alan Reynolds showed up to a Mittens rally with a sign bearing the (mysterious?) collection of words, “Tea Party Includes Cuban Coffee Romney.” NOT COOL, said Romney campaign staff. Because Mitt Romney does not drink coffee. It is against his magick moon religion. Therefore this hilarious nonsense phrase must be kept away from Mitt AT ALL COSTS and Reynolds was told to leave. No, we don’t understand it, either! Does Mitt Romney melt away like the Wicked Witch if he so much as reads one of the special Mormon naughty words?

That’s one theory. The other conclusion one might draw is that Mitt Romney’s campaign staff does not know how to properly interpret teabagger signage, ha ha:

[Reynolds] thought his sign would be well received at an event with a few hundred mostly Hispanic supporters and a heavily Cuban flavor — including a heap of lechón.

But he may have touched off trouble with his other signage, a piece that read: “No Newt-ist Colony on the Moon, Vote Romney.”

“They saw the word, ‘Newt,” and thought I was a Gingrich supporter,” Reynolds says.

To smooth things over, he tried to demonstrate his Romney support by showing off his Cuban coffee masterpiece:

​That’s when things really got bizarre, with the staffers bringing up Mormonism’s ban on drinking caffeine. “I said, ‘This sign is clever!,’” he says. “They said it was offensive because he’s Mormon.”

Anyone caught drinking coffee in Mitt Romney’s White House will be sent to Mormon baptize dead popes, as punishment. [Miami New Times]

 
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{ 206 comments }

Crank_Tango February 7, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Rubio libel?

emmelemm February 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Aaaand Rmoney just lost all the Seattle votes. (Not that there would have been that many.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Romney is visiting at the end of the month. I wonder if they will require all the coffee vendors within a sixty mile radius to shut down while he is here? Will there be anyone left in Seattle?

Nostrildamus February 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm

My next-door neighbor's a Seattle GOP big-wig, and has hosted pool-side fund-raisers for candidates (e.g. Susan Hutchison) in the past. If he hosts Romney, I'm considering tying a (stuffed) dog to the roof of the van in my driveway. Other ideas from Wonketteers would be appreciated.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Also put those little family stick figure stickers on the back window, being sure to add some extra wives, for Moroni's sake.

ThundercatHo February 7, 2012 at 4:23 pm

How's about hosting some Occupiers or Teamsters? Teenaged Heavy Metal Garage Band (named for the day "The Bainiacs")?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 7, 2012 at 6:12 pm

A loud and highly-caffeinated grunge band shouldn't be hard to find.

emmelemm February 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Ugh. My sympathies.

Nostrildamus February 7, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Fun story. They hosted a fund-raiser for an empty-headed local news personality (a former Discovery Institute board member and outspoken creationist) who was running for county exec and tried to get my sister-in-law to come. (She lives with us and is quiet about her politics, unlike my wife and I). One teensy problem though: my sister-in-law is a research biologist!

What could possibly go wrong there?

valgal2342 February 7, 2012 at 5:16 pm

A coffee stand in your driveway next to the car with the stuffed dog on top?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 7, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Order a dozen Starbucks coffee boxes for delivery, just as the guests arrive.

unclejeems February 7, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Mmm. Have a coffee party. Dump a couple of bags of coffee beans into the neighbor's pool (like, you know, the original Tea Party). Leave time to brew. By the time Romney shows up, the whole place should smell like a Starbucks mother ship.

BigDumbRedDog February 7, 2012 at 9:25 pm

You must live in a nice area. Just throw a party. I will supply all the kegs you need (at cost, cause I can do that) and between the two of us, and any other wonketeers listening, I am sure we can come up with some way to mess with these GOP neighbors. If you can come up with designated drivers, I can supply at least 30 loud, drunk, hairy, potentially gun toting liberals in less than a weeks notice. I am sure we can find something to leave in their pool.

BigDumbRedDog February 7, 2012 at 9:29 pm

oh, and I forgot. who has a pool in seattle? assholes, that's who. unless you also have a pool. then its the exception that proves the rule, blah, blah, blah.

hollywooddood February 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

No coffee? How do Willard's supporters stay awake around him?

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

They don't, but they call naps "prayer"

BerkeleyBear February 7, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Mainlining cocaine straight into their eyes – Joseph Smith couldn't have banned it, it didn't exist in the nineteenth century! So it's all good.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:27 pm

The fictional Sherlock Holmes was reputed to be a coke user, later in the century.

BerkeleyBear February 7, 2012 at 11:00 pm

I knew that -dammit, where's re-write when you need them.

Spurning Beer February 7, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Hot tea is a Mormon-no-no, too, which does not seem to have dawned on the Tea Baggers so far.

Schmannnity February 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

TEA PARTY INCLUDES WHITEY WHISKEY

Warpde February 8, 2012 at 12:16 am

Also Scotty Scotch and "un" Bhach's………man.

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Mormanism is just Scientology lite.

But what can you expect form a group that eschews caffine?

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm

All the proof I need that these people are savages.

sezme February 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Afternoon naps?

mormos February 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

you have it backwards.

doloras February 7, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Mormons don't smoke; L. Ron Hubbard smoked like a chimney.

Spurning Beer February 7, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Yeah, but Judaism eschews lobster and shrimp and pork.

My personal faith does not allow Brussels sprouts or buttermilk.

Buzz Feedback February 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm

The Coke sign in right field used to make Dale Murphy disappear during the playoffs.

SnarkoMarx February 7, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Mormons only drink wholesome Ovaltine, godamnity damnit.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 7, 2012 at 6:14 pm

But only cold. It's the hot drinks that put the devil in 'em.

DerrickWildcat February 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

It is like garlic to a Werewolf!

monty4prez February 7, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Keep Mormons away with a large latte!

WhatTheHeck February 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Like holding up a RedBull to a snarling bull.

Chet Kincaid February 7, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Draculibel!!

Goonemeritus February 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Well Light Beer offends my religious sensibilities but I never fired anyone over it. I called them a big girls blouse for drinking it but I have never fired them.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Lite beer = brain damage.

Baconzgood February 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"This sign is clever!"

No. It's not. Not even remotely clever. In fact it is devoid of any semblance of clever.

fartknocker February 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

But the spelling was good.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:06 pm

It's "Republican Clever."

HempDogbane February 7, 2012 at 3:19 pm

There is a new Wingnut comedy show in development based on this. This is just part of the viral marketing campaign, suckers !

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Shit Teabaggers Say?

DaRooster February 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

"Hey, it is too clever… what does that mean anywayz?"

Barrelhse February 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I thought it was just me.

DemmeFatale February 7, 2012 at 6:35 pm

It's totally not just you.
I don't get it either.
I may need a word by word explanation.
Someone help me (us?) out!

mavenmaven February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

romney, the decaf candidate…

DaRooster February 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

zzzzzzzzzz

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Everyone just thought it was fun and games, until the great Starbucks Purge of 2013 showed the true direction of the Romney regime.

Trannysurprise February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

TEA PARTY INCLUDES HILLBILLY CORNMASH
*ROMNEY*

chascates February 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Is decaf coffee kosher Mormon-wise? And is chocolate verboten?

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Their scripture says no "strong drinks" or "hot drinks." "Strong" seems to mean "alcohol" in context.

So it sounds like (solid) chocolate is halal, but not hot chocolate drinks.

(What about iced tea or cola?)

ShaveTheWhales February 7, 2012 at 3:46 pm

If I remember correctly, decaf coffee is still treyf, but decaf tea is okay.

Do not ask me to explain this, I know it doesn't make sense.

Also, my own reading of the D&Cs, and a bit of Morman history, suggests that Joe's original intent with "strong" drink was, in fact, strong drink, e.g., whisky. They all used to drink wine and beer back in the day. The current explicit prohibition of alcohol must have come from one of the successor prophets

BerkeleyBear February 7, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The distinction on coffee and tea could make sense. Herbal teas are "caffeine free" because they never had any actual tea to begin with, whereas "decaf" coffee still has a trace amount of caffeine. Although since coke is okay and it has a lot more caffeine, I'm not sure even that makes any sense – and yes, I know about the "hot" crap, but I also grew up around Mormons who never touched a Coke or Pepsi and claimed it was a religious thing. Shit, Hansen's natural sodas was built on the idea the little LDS kiddies were missing out since they couldn't have the devil's sugar water.

chascates February 7, 2012 at 4:46 pm

As a armchair mixologist I've read about how everyone, including children, used to drink weak beer and cider since water and cow's milk were often unsafe. This is back when Protestant ministers (Baptists!) were often paid in whiskey.

When the group got to Utah there must have been a bunch of disappointed Indians. No alcohol, no tobacco.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I was given hot beer sipped through a cinnamon stick on New Year's Eve as a young. Party on!

Not_So_Much February 7, 2012 at 4:08 pm

It really depends on their ownership stake. Coca-Cola used to be strictly verboten. Then, the church leveraged a massive investment into the CC company and, like magic underwears, they had a divine prophecy that said Coke was totally ok.

Nothingisamiss February 7, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Srsly? Back in the day when I knew such things/lived around such people I thought coke/pepsi was absolutely verboten. DID NOT KNOW God spoke to someone about this.

Jukesgrrl February 7, 2012 at 4:14 pm

An online Mormon named "phrog" writes this about the Word of Wisdom, the treatise from which the coffee teaching is derived:

"if one were to actually read the WoW….they would find it contains more than just a warning against coffee and tea, tobacco and alcohol…..they would find that verses 1–9, comment on the use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks. that 10–17 speaks to the use of herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals. and that verses 18–21 tell us that obedience to gospel law, including the WoW, brings blessings.

the WoW….like most of the things God requires of us…..is more about obedience and trusting His word than anything else. members are expected to exercise wisdom in applying the principles of good health. soft-drinks containing caffeine fall into the 'exercise wisdom' category…..they are not specifically restricted, but many church members voluntarily avoid them."

Apparently nothing in the WoW pertains to proper English usage.

But wouldn't it be fun to have a president who is "obedient and trusting" to the teachings of someone who thinks that Missouri is the Garden of Eden? And if he's allowed to "use" "herb," doesn't that mean ganja is A-OK? And about that business of using "flesh" … I hope that's just old-timey talk for eating meat.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Wait, Mormons have to join WoW? And here I thought they were mostly creepy fit blondes traveling from door to door annoying people, not hairy sweaty Cheeto-munchers hunched over their computers.

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:28 pm

This pretty much leaves them no choice but to move to Florida and go on food stamps.

Baconzgood February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Free heroin Romney 2012!

Bonghits4Jesus February 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm

At least they didn't step on his toes like the Newt-goons did in Florida. Time for an Irish coffee!

BigDumbRedDog February 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I for one welcome our caffeine-free overlords.

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

SEND HIM TO THE REEDUCATION CAMPS

WiscDad February 7, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Doesn't drink coffee. Another of the 1001 reasons not to vote for him

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

#1 – Doesn't drink alcohol

WiscDad February 7, 2012 at 3:16 pm

You betcha

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:42 pm

But don't for a minute think he won't have millions of supporters who will vote for him because they'd like to have a beer with him, just like their tee-totalling hero dumbya.

Sue4466 February 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Your move Starbucks.

Radiotherapy February 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Or Starbursts.

not that Dewey February 7, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Starbucks just legalized Gay Marriage, so I think their move was well spent.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 12:57 am

Moving the Jazz to Des Moines?

coolhandnuke February 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Considering Mittens wants to establish a coffee prohibition….shouldn't the sign read Yuban Coffee.

Sue4466 February 7, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So, coffee is Mormon kryptonite?

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Sorry Cuban crazy right-wing nut, but no the teabaggers do not include Cubans; you're still not white.

OneYieldRegular February 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm

He's not going to get the Juan Valdez vote, that much is for sure.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Hey, Mittens, Rick Perry called and said he wants his Brokeback Mountain/Niggerhead flaming "chore" coat back.

BigDumbRedDog February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

It is scientific fact that a lack of coffee and alcohol leads to insanity. For proof of my assertion, go find someone who refuses to consume both of these and talk to them for ten minutes.

Limeylizzie February 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Baby, I don't drink the alcohol but I pound the coffee at a fairly furious rate, am I half-insane?

BigDumbRedDog February 7, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Half insane, but in a good way.

Nothingisamiss February 7, 2012 at 6:17 pm

My god…Science!

BigDumbRedDog February 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I'm a scientitian. I would tell you in what publications I have been published, but you have never heard of them.

CthuNHu February 7, 2012 at 6:39 pm

A hipster scientitian!

BigDumbRedDog February 8, 2012 at 1:59 am

I was into science way before science was cool!

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I remember the works of Titian, but I don't think he was much of a scientist.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Them Mormons don't fuck standing up, either. You know why.

emmelemm February 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm

No, I don't….

(Does it have to do with their magic underwear?)

HistoriCat February 7, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Probably for the same reason Baptists don't – someone might think you're dancing.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:24 pm

HCat gets it.

emmelemm February 7, 2012 at 3:54 pm

And now I'll be seeing Kevin Bacon in Footloose for the rest of the day.

Barrelhse February 7, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Rich girl does it on the bed,
Poor girl on the floor.
Lulu does it standing up
And gets four inches more.

MOG2410 February 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Potential loss of sacred sperm?

ThundercatHo February 7, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Does it have something to do with the little spermies swimming downstream instead of upstream?

chitrade February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

If they let that poster stay, would Romney have to excuse himself from the event? Is it like mentioning Sku^U Twig and Plums?

"I'm sorry, everyone, but this unit's anterior irony module requires maintenance"

Space God forbid that someone be *drinking* a coffee. Must be like effin kryptonite.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

That's Amendment 11 in the Book of Moroni

I mean, Commandment….Commandment 11…..

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 7, 2012 at 3:07 pm

And what is the one state in the US that grows coffee? Hawaii!

And now you know why Romney wants to defeat Obama.

Nothingisamiss February 7, 2012 at 6:19 pm

HOLY SHIT.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

You know who else hated coffee?

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Starbucks?

Radiotherapy February 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Juan Valdez?

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:18 pm

The narrator in Mark Helprin's Memoir from Antproof Case, to be certain, although I know that is obscure as fuck.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Earl Grey?

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 3:27 pm

George III?

annettaj February 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

My mom because of that ugly razor blade incident coming off of expresso.

MOG2410 February 7, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Me, until I was 44, now an addict.

littlebigdaddy February 7, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Southern ladies?

doloras February 7, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Not Hitler. The Nazis complained about the German middle-classes drinking effete English-style tea rather than good honest Aryan caffeiny goodness.

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 12:58 am

Mark Messier?

hagajim February 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

See, tea is OK because they use their magik undies to steep the bags in their hot water, thus purifying them of all that caffeine evil.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Mittens needs to be glitter bombed with coffee beans. Bad coffee, don't waste the good stuff on him.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I think Sanka.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Does Sanka has anything to do with coffee beans?

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Anything from Charbux would do.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Coffee is people too, my friend!

Barrelhse February 7, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Beaners?

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Folks, you are focusing on the wrong word. It wasn't "coffee" that offended Willard. It was "Cuban", 'cause Cubans, as we know, give Messicans like him and daddy George a bad rap.

DaRooster February 7, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Mitt doesn't drink coffee, beer, whiskey… how the fuck does he plan on staying sane as President?

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Your comment implies that Mitt is currently sane. Perhaps you should do a smidgen of research into the tenets of Mormon belief. You will find that they are all insane already, to believe that shit.

DaRooster February 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I failed to take that fact into consideration… that'll learn me to go off half cocky.

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Power. He'll stay drunk on power.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Yeah, the last guy,W, who didn't drink didn't work out so good.

Jukesgrrl February 7, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Family game night.

doloras February 7, 2012 at 6:32 pm

XANAX. XANAX BY THE BUSHEL, XANAX BY THE TRUCKLOAD.

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Memo to Mitt's followers: just wait'll you try the brew from beans digested & pooped out a monkey's ass. I'll wait over here for your post-consumption, blissed-out conversion to your new religion right here, w/ open arms (and palms, because it ain't cheap, that'll be $50 for a cuppa). It's like they say when something's worth its weight in monkeyshit: if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:10 pm

People! People! People!

Coffee is made from Arabia beans! IT'S MOOSLIN!!!!!!!

SoBeach February 7, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"No Newt-ist colony on the moon".

If I were Romney I'd insist that sign go right up front where all the tv cameras would pick it up.

Then again, if I were Romney I'd spend a hundred million dollars on 1. A swimming pool filled with whipped cream and yoga instructors, and 2. Some food and maybe a place to live for a few thousand kids. In that order. So I'm obviously not the one to offer campaign advice.

HistoriCat February 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm

OK – there was nothing remotely offensive in that reply. Fuck you Intense Debate.

SoBeach February 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I left out the part about the yoga instructors all wearing their hair in a Palin-inspired up-do.

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

TEA PARTY INCLUDES WHITE LIGHTNING!!

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

A latte signs are confusing, but that's hardly grounds for eviction. Kona get a witness?

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

COFFEE LIBEL!!!!

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 3:18 pm

That's an embarristaring string of puns you chose to espress yourself with.

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Don't mocha me say I'm sorry.

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I dunno what'sumatra with you, jamaican a blue mountain out of a molehill.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Why are you bean such a drip?

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

No time, as I'm getting a french press with a happy ending.

Jukesgrrl February 7, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Standing up?

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm

If it offend thee Mormons, I'll even have the post-coital smoke standing up.

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm

If Romney should somehow win the election, the coffee industry will be able to leverage the "Romney is going to take away your coffee" meme into astronomical sales for stockpilers, much like the guns and ammo industry did when Obama was elected.

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

So we'll be the new Bitters clinging to our coffee and alcohol? I'm cool with that.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 3:43 pm

You'll take my hot mug from my cold, dead hands!

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Every election cycle is grounds for stockpiling weapons and ammunition, don't you know that already?

orygoon February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

The little Goons had a Mormon babysitter way back when and the husband kept cases of cherry Seven-Up on the porch. I thought that sort of defeated the whole "hot-drinks" ban, which was, historically, about not being able to produce stuff like coffee and tea in Utah which posed a kind of foreign-exchange problem that Brigham Young solved just like that. Not to mention: cherry Seven-Up has got to be just fucking disgusting compared to a Coke.

chitrade February 7, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I worked with a fairly devout Mormon. He drank Diet Coke like water. "There's no teaching specifically against caffeine" he'd tell us. He was a sharp guy. Of course, if you spent your life rules-lawyering your way out of inconvenient religious precepts, you'd have to get sharp or get slapped down.

Jukesgrrl February 7, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Or be Catholic.

Selfish_T February 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Maybe the Vonnegut buttholes on either side of "Romney" mean something? Because the words by themselves sure don't.

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

So it goes…

prommie February 7, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Needs moar vonnegut beaver!

FlownOver February 7, 2012 at 5:25 pm

"The Vonnegut Buttholes" just might be the awsomest band name since the Shitty Beatles.

Radiotherapy February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Mitts, however, does enjoy a good cup of Santorum.

Oblios_Cap February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

At least he won't be advertised as "the kinda President you would like to drink a beer with."

BaldarTFlagass February 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm

"He's the kinda president you would like to go all Carrie Nation on a tavern with, if you were a prohibitionist lunatic."

elviouslyqueer February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

The incident annoyed Reynolds enough — even though he blamed Romney's overzealous staff and not Mittens himself — that when the primary rolled around last Tuesday, he cast his ballot for Rick Santorum instead.

Well, of course he did. Because everyone knows that Cuban coffee ain't worth shit without a hint of froth.

BornInATrailer February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Should have stuck with "includes Goya brand gelatin dessert" like I told him.

chascates February 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

The proof in the pudding is straight from the horse's mouth: http://mormonchurch.com/680/are-mormon-dietary-la
The Mormon health code is commonly known as the Word of Wisdom and is contained in a book of modern prophetic revelations called The Doctrine and Covenants.
Forbidden items include: alcohol, tobacco, hot drinks, defined by church leaders as coffee or tea, which was the meaning of the term at the time of the revelation. Herbal teas, which are not really tea, are allowed. Many believe the coffee and tea are forbidden because of caffeine, but this is not true. However, many Mormons avoid all or most caffeine anyway, in part because it is addictive. Why those two specific hot drinks are forbidden has not been revealed. It is taken as a matter of faith.
Meat is permitted, but is to be eaten sparingly, which was unusual in the 1800s, and is, perhaps, equally unusual today, although we now know the health reasons for the instruction.

smashedinhat February 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm

No mention of boneless pork rectums I see.

elfgoldsackring February 7, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Mittens, you must renounce all Tea Party support! It's a matter of faith!

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Meat is permitted, but is to be eaten sparingly

*Tearing up Plan C*

So much for Ed Gillespie as Mitt's secret weapon..

SheriffRoscoe February 7, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Mormons will happily sell you a cup of coffee, a cocktail, or a coffee cocktail in their bars and establishments however. #ilovemarriott

slowhansolo February 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

This is a candidacy on solid grounds.

Extemporanus February 7, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"We've secretly replaced this presidential candidate's decaffeinated coffee with a triple shot of espresso. Let's see of he notiOHMYGOD NO NO OHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES OH GOD OH GARRGGHH UGHH UHHNN…UH…."

chitrade February 7, 2012 at 3:23 pm

After just one sip, the Romney Unit rips off his clothes, right up on the debate podium. "Hrruuunng! HRRUNG!" he grunts, lad in his hand.

Newt is gone before the cameras can switch, out the back door with Brian Williams' wallet. Rick Santorum is rooted to the spot, his eyes fixed on that pulsing mormonism.

Now *that* would be a debate!

ph7 February 7, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Maybe Mitt senses he may be losing his Mormon base.

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Um, painfully obvious–TEA PARTY. . .WTF? If caffeine is the Mormon problem, tea is hardly without blemish (I'm guzzling some right now, for flavor, kicks and to piss off his magic undergods).

annettaj February 7, 2012 at 3:24 pm

How the hell do Mormons get the energy to procreate like bunnies then?

Jukesgrrl February 7, 2012 at 4:22 pm

The underwear is MAGIC.

KeepFnThatChicken February 7, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Okay. Some of you people of faith believe some fucked up shit.

natoslug February 7, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I just did the Mormon thing to get laid. I'll accept pretty much anything short of Heaven's Gate after a week without sex.

BlueStateLibel February 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I thought the other guy in office was the one with the weird religiousy stuff, WTF?

neiltheblaze February 7, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Next thing you know they'll call Mittens the Chivas Regal candidate and REALLY make him cross!

Dashboard Buddha February 7, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I don't know about Mitt…but I love coffee…love it! In fact, I drink so much of it Juan Valdez named his donkey after me.

(I stole that, but I don't remember from who)

Maman February 7, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Sheesh. What does he do to a guy who isn't a supporter?

el_donaldo February 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm

The tea is also forbidden, but not the tea bags. If you catch my drift.

barto February 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Well, the dead giveaway that this guy's a mole is the fact that there are zero misspellings on his sign.

savethispatient February 7, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Romney is not a good Mormon: I'm pretty sure he's drinking a Coke Zero in this picture.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Good catch there!

easytheresport February 7, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Crap. What am I gonna do with this truckload of redbull?

meatlofer February 7, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Can't say Lowfat around Limbaugh,either

Antispandex February 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Well, it may have had nothing to do with the sign (according to my source). He was actually asked to leave because his name was Juan Valdez, and he had a donkey with him…at least that's how I heard it.

smokefilledroommate February 7, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Poor Alan Reynolds.. He sits all day thinking up clever signs and then is shot down by the staff of the very candidate he supports. You'd think he'd realize after awhile that he's cheering for a douche.

owhatever February 7, 2012 at 4:10 pm

So "coffee" is now a four-letter word? Great campaign tactic.

kissawookiee February 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I deduce from this that baptizing Auschwitz victims with coffee won't work, then, but Coke will. Jury's still out on what happens to deads who are baptized with Coke by sadly disappointing CGI polar bears.

littlebigdaddy February 7, 2012 at 4:36 pm

So smoking a cuban while sipping a double espresso and then switching to a glass of red wine (an occasional late afternoon custom of mine) wouldn't fly? Fuck em.

emmelemm February 7, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Damn – you live in style!!

Tommy1733 February 7, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I spell his name "RMONEY"

DerrickWildcat February 7, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Arm yourself with a cross and holy water at a Romney rally and chant, "Go away Devil! Go away Devil!"

JackObin February 7, 2012 at 5:16 pm

It appears to me all that Mormons approve of is birthing a ton of babies and hording billions of dollars. Don't they at least approve of child rape like the Catholics?

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Oh they do; they just call it marriage. True marriage is between one man and many women, each starting from the age of twelve or thirteen and sold to him by her parents.

Chet Kincaid February 7, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Then why has Romney appeared on Morning Joe?!

Biff February 7, 2012 at 7:19 pm

That's an oxymormon…

Chet Kincaid February 7, 2012 at 6:20 pm

WHO WILL FOLLOW MY "BOOK OF GODDAMNED IDIOCY", TRANSCRIBED FROM THE LIPS OF THE ANGEL CARBONARA ON COMMEMORATIVE SUPER BOWL XXXV PLATES?!

arihaya February 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Gitmo-ed … because of coffee?

Biff February 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Not gonna scroll through a million posts to see if I'm the only one to say that tea is also against Mormon doctrine.

rocktonsam February 7, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Hills Bros. sounds Mormany

Biff February 7, 2012 at 7:20 pm

That's an Ay-Rab on the can, though.

BZ1 February 7, 2012 at 7:47 pm

The cryptic sign wasn't offensive, however, the bouncers are obviously well versed on clearing out anything they don't understand…

natoslug February 7, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Just wait 'til the other Christ cults find out Mormons are also anti-cross. Other than the Angel Moroni trumpeting the second coming of Christ, and crappy jell-o with week-old grapes and other bits of fruit that should have gone to the compost heap, they're not very big on religious symbols.

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:39 pm

The real reason they object to coffee isn't the caffeine, it's the blackitude.

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 11:41 pm

First they came for the coffee, and I said nothing….Well, I did say, "Fuck Off, Mittens!".

horsedreamer_1 February 8, 2012 at 1:00 am

Next thing you know, you'll be fucking Caribou.

FishingCFP November 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Obviously the 53% that they had hoped to get did not include Seattle, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds or Cubans

Data Exactly February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm

We've had teetotalers in the white house before. We will have them again.

orygoon February 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Yah, if Mittens wins in November, the WH chef has to scramble to find all the best-ever Jello recipes by Inaugeration time.

Spurning Beer February 7, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I shudder to think about prayer breakfasts without coffee.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I don't know, W always sounded like he was loaded.

tessiee February 7, 2012 at 10:21 pm

When you start out life with approximately four-fifths of a brain, any more brain cells you lose to alcohol are really noticeable.

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