One unfortunate Mitt Romney supporter in Florida seems to have discovered a novel way of getting kicked out of a campaign event: Alan Reynolds showed up to a Mittens rally with a sign bearing the (mysterious?) collection of words, “Tea Party Includes Cuban Coffee Romney.” NOT COOL, said Romney campaign staff. Because Mitt Romney does not drink coffee. It is against his magick moon religion. Therefore this hilarious nonsense phrase must be kept away from Mitt AT ALL COSTS and Reynolds was told to leave. No, we don’t understand it, either! Does Mitt Romney melt away like the Wicked Witch if he so much as reads one of the special Mormon naughty words?
That’s one theory. The other conclusion one might draw is that Mitt Romney’s campaign staff does not know how to properly interpret teabagger signage, ha ha:
[Reynolds] thought his sign would be well received at an event with a few hundred mostly Hispanic supporters and a heavily Cuban flavor — including a heap of lechón.
But he may have touched off trouble with his other signage, a piece that read: “No Newt-ist Colony on the Moon, Vote Romney.”
“They saw the word, ‘Newt,” and thought I was a Gingrich supporter,” Reynolds says.
To smooth things over, he tried to demonstrate his Romney support by showing off his Cuban coffee masterpiece:
That’s when things really got bizarre, with the staffers bringing up Mormonism’s ban on drinking caffeine. “I said, ‘This sign is clever!,’” he says. “They said it was offensive because he’s Mormon.”
Anyone caught drinking coffee in Mitt Romney’s White House will be sent to Mormon baptize dead popes, as punishment. [Miami New Times]
{ 206 comments }
Rubio libel?
Aaaand Rmoney just lost all the Seattle votes. (Not that there would have been that many.)
Romney is visiting at the end of the month. I wonder if they will require all the coffee vendors within a sixty mile radius to shut down while he is here? Will there be anyone left in Seattle?
My next-door neighbor's a Seattle GOP big-wig, and has hosted pool-side fund-raisers for candidates (e.g. Susan Hutchison) in the past. If he hosts Romney, I'm considering tying a (stuffed) dog to the roof of the van in my driveway. Other ideas from Wonketteers would be appreciated.
Also put those little family stick figure stickers on the back window, being sure to add some extra wives, for Moroni's sake.
How's about hosting some Occupiers or Teamsters? Teenaged Heavy Metal Garage Band (named for the day "The Bainiacs")?
A loud and highly-caffeinated grunge band shouldn't be hard to find.
Ugh. My sympathies.
Fun story. They hosted a fund-raiser for an empty-headed local news personality (a former Discovery Institute board member and outspoken creationist) who was running for county exec and tried to get my sister-in-law to come. (She lives with us and is quiet about her politics, unlike my wife and I). One teensy problem though: my sister-in-law is a research biologist!
What could possibly go wrong there?
A coffee stand in your driveway next to the car with the stuffed dog on top?
Order a dozen Starbucks coffee boxes for delivery, just as the guests arrive.
Mmm. Have a coffee party. Dump a couple of bags of coffee beans into the neighbor's pool (like, you know, the original Tea Party). Leave time to brew. By the time Romney shows up, the whole place should smell like a Starbucks mother ship.
You must live in a nice area. Just throw a party. I will supply all the kegs you need (at cost, cause I can do that) and between the two of us, and any other wonketeers listening, I am sure we can come up with some way to mess with these GOP neighbors. If you can come up with designated drivers, I can supply at least 30 loud, drunk, hairy, potentially gun toting liberals in less than a weeks notice. I am sure we can find something to leave in their pool.
oh, and I forgot. who has a pool in seattle? assholes, that's who. unless you also have a pool. then its the exception that proves the rule, blah, blah, blah.
No coffee? How do Willard's supporters stay awake around him?
They don't, but they call naps "prayer"
Mainlining cocaine straight into their eyes – Joseph Smith couldn't have banned it, it didn't exist in the nineteenth century! So it's all good.
The fictional Sherlock Holmes was reputed to be a coke user, later in the century.
I knew that -dammit, where's re-write when you need them.
Hot tea is a Mormon-no-no, too, which does not seem to have dawned on the Tea Baggers so far.
TEA PARTY INCLUDES WHITEY WHISKEY
Also Scotty Scotch and "un" Bhach's………man.
Mormanism is just Scientology lite.
But what can you expect form a group that eschews caffine?
All the proof I need that these people are savages.
Afternoon naps?
you have it backwards.
Mormons don't smoke; L. Ron Hubbard smoked like a chimney.
Yeah, but Judaism eschews lobster and shrimp and pork.
My personal faith does not allow Brussels sprouts or buttermilk.
The Coke sign in right field used to make Dale Murphy disappear during the playoffs.
Mormons only drink wholesome Ovaltine, godamnity damnit.
But only cold. It's the hot drinks that put the devil in 'em.
It is like garlic to a Werewolf!
Keep Mormons away with a large latte!
Like holding up a RedBull to a snarling bull.
Draculibel!!
Well Light Beer offends my religious sensibilities but I never fired anyone over it. I called them a big girls blouse for drinking it but I have never fired them.
Lite beer = brain damage.
"This sign is clever!"
No. It's not. Not even remotely clever. In fact it is devoid of any semblance of clever.
But the spelling was good.
It's "Republican Clever."
There is a new Wingnut comedy show in development based on this. This is just part of the viral marketing campaign, suckers !
Shit Teabaggers Say?
"Hey, it is too clever… what does that mean anywayz?"
I thought it was just me.
It's totally not just you.
I don't get it either.
I may need a word by word explanation.
Someone help me (us?) out!
romney, the decaf candidate…
zzzzzzzzzz
Everyone just thought it was fun and games, until the great Starbucks Purge of 2013 showed the true direction of the Romney regime.
TEA PARTY INCLUDES HILLBILLY CORNMASH
*ROMNEY*
Is decaf coffee kosher Mormon-wise? And is chocolate verboten?
Their scripture says no "strong drinks" or "hot drinks." "Strong" seems to mean "alcohol" in context.
So it sounds like (solid) chocolate is halal, but not hot chocolate drinks.
(What about iced tea or cola?)
If I remember correctly, decaf coffee is still treyf, but decaf tea is okay.
Do not ask me to explain this, I know it doesn't make sense.
Also, my own reading of the D&Cs, and a bit of Morman history, suggests that Joe's original intent with "strong" drink was, in fact, strong drink, e.g., whisky. They all used to drink wine and beer back in the day. The current explicit prohibition of alcohol must have come from one of the successor prophets
The distinction on coffee and tea could make sense. Herbal teas are "caffeine free" because they never had any actual tea to begin with, whereas "decaf" coffee still has a trace amount of caffeine. Although since coke is okay and it has a lot more caffeine, I'm not sure even that makes any sense – and yes, I know about the "hot" crap, but I also grew up around Mormons who never touched a Coke or Pepsi and claimed it was a religious thing. Shit, Hansen's natural sodas was built on the idea the little LDS kiddies were missing out since they couldn't have the devil's sugar water.
As a armchair mixologist I've read about how everyone, including children, used to drink weak beer and cider since water and cow's milk were often unsafe. This is back when Protestant ministers (Baptists!) were often paid in whiskey.
When the group got to Utah there must have been a bunch of disappointed Indians. No alcohol, no tobacco.
I was given hot beer sipped through a cinnamon stick on New Year's Eve as a young. Party on!
It really depends on their ownership stake. Coca-Cola used to be strictly verboten. Then, the church leveraged a massive investment into the CC company and, like magic
underwears, they had a divine prophecy that said Coke was totally ok.Srsly? Back in the day when I knew such things/lived around such people I thought coke/pepsi was absolutely verboten. DID NOT KNOW God spoke to someone about this.
An online Mormon named "phrog" writes this about the Word of Wisdom, the treatise from which the coffee teaching is derived:
"if one were to actually read the WoW….they would find it contains more than just a warning against coffee and tea, tobacco and alcohol…..they would find that verses 1–9, comment on the use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks. that 10–17 speaks to the use of herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals. and that verses 18–21 tell us that obedience to gospel law, including the WoW, brings blessings.
the WoW….like most of the things God requires of us…..is more about obedience and trusting His word than anything else. members are expected to exercise wisdom in applying the principles of good health. soft-drinks containing caffeine fall into the 'exercise wisdom' category…..they are not specifically restricted, but many church members voluntarily avoid them."
Apparently nothing in the WoW pertains to proper English usage.
But wouldn't it be fun to have a president who is "obedient and trusting" to the teachings of someone who thinks that Missouri is the Garden of Eden? And if he's allowed to "use" "herb," doesn't that mean ganja is A-OK? And about that business of using "flesh" … I hope that's just old-timey talk for eating meat.
Wait, Mormons have to join WoW? And here I thought they were mostly creepy fit blondes traveling from door to door annoying people, not hairy sweaty Cheeto-munchers hunched over their computers.
This pretty much leaves them no choice but to move to Florida and go on food stamps.
Free heroin Romney 2012!
At least they didn't step on his toes like the Newt-goons did in Florida. Time for an Irish coffee!
I for one welcome our caffeine-free overlords.
SEND HIM TO THE REEDUCATION CAMPS
Doesn't drink coffee. Another of the 1001 reasons not to vote for him
#1 – Doesn't drink alcohol
You betcha
But don't for a minute think he won't have millions of supporters who will vote for him because they'd like to have a beer with him, just like their tee-totalling hero dumbya.
Your move Starbucks.
Or Starbursts.
Starbucks just legalized Gay Marriage, so I think their move was well spent.
Moving the Jazz to Des Moines?
Considering Mittens wants to establish a coffee prohibition….shouldn't the sign read Yuban Coffee.
So, coffee is Mormon kryptonite?
Sorry Cuban crazy right-wing nut, but no the teabaggers do not include Cubans; you're still not white.
He's not going to get the Juan Valdez vote, that much is for sure.
Hey, Mittens, Rick Perry called and said he wants his Brokeback Mountain/Niggerhead flaming "chore" coat back.
It is scientific fact that a lack of coffee and alcohol leads to insanity. For proof of my assertion, go find someone who refuses to consume both of these and talk to them for ten minutes.
Baby, I don't drink the alcohol but I pound the coffee at a fairly furious rate, am I half-insane?
Half insane, but in a good way.
My god…Science!
I'm a scientitian. I would tell you in what publications I have been published, but you have never heard of them.
A hipster scientitian!
I was into science way before science was cool!
I remember the works of Titian, but I don't think he was much of a scientist.
Them Mormons don't fuck standing up, either. You know why.
No, I don't….
(Does it have to do with their magic underwear?)
Probably for the same reason Baptists don't – someone might think you're dancing.
HCat gets it.
And now I'll be seeing Kevin Bacon in Footloose for the rest of the day.
Rich girl does it on the bed,
Poor girl on the floor.
Lulu does it standing up
And gets four inches more.
Potential loss of sacred sperm?
Does it have something to do with the little spermies swimming downstream instead of upstream?
If they let that poster stay, would Romney have to excuse himself from the event? Is it like mentioning Sku^U Twig and Plums?
"I'm sorry, everyone, but this unit's anterior irony module requires maintenance"
Space God forbid that someone be *drinking* a coffee. Must be like effin kryptonite.
That's Amendment 11 in the Book of Moroni
I mean, Commandment….Commandment 11…..
And what is the one state in the US that grows coffee? Hawaii!
And now you know why Romney wants to defeat Obama.
HOLY SHIT.
You know who else hated coffee?
Starbucks?
Juan Valdez?
The narrator in Mark Helprin's Memoir from Antproof Case, to be certain, although I know that is obscure as fuck.
Earl Grey?
George III?
My mom because of that ugly razor blade incident coming off of expresso.
Me, until I was 44, now an addict.
Southern ladies?
Not Hitler. The Nazis complained about the German middle-classes drinking effete English-style tea rather than good honest Aryan caffeiny goodness.
Mark Messier?
See, tea is OK because they use their magik undies to steep the bags in their hot water, thus purifying them of all that caffeine evil.
Mittens needs to be glitter bombed with coffee beans. Bad coffee, don't waste the good stuff on him.
I think Sanka.
Does Sanka has anything to do with coffee beans?
Anything from Charbux would do.
Coffee is people too, my friend!
Beaners?
Folks, you are focusing on the wrong word. It wasn't "coffee" that offended Willard. It was "Cuban", 'cause Cubans, as we know, give Messicans like him and daddy George a bad rap.
Mitt doesn't drink coffee, beer, whiskey… how the fuck does he plan on staying sane as President?
Your comment implies that Mitt is currently sane. Perhaps you should do a smidgen of research into the tenets of Mormon belief. You will find that they are all insane already, to believe that shit.
I failed to take that fact into consideration… that'll learn me to go off half cocky.
Power. He'll stay drunk on power.
Yeah, the last guy,W, who didn't drink didn't work out so good.
Family game night.
XANAX. XANAX BY THE BUSHEL, XANAX BY THE TRUCKLOAD.
Memo to Mitt's followers: just wait'll you try the brew from beans digested & pooped out a monkey's ass. I'll wait over here for your post-consumption, blissed-out conversion to your new religion right here, w/ open arms (and palms, because it ain't cheap, that'll be $50 for a cuppa). It's like they say when something's worth its weight in monkeyshit: if you believe that, you'll believe anything.
People! People! People!
Coffee is made from Arabia beans! IT'S MOOSLIN!!!!!!!
"No Newt-ist colony on the moon".
If I were Romney I'd insist that sign go right up front where all the tv cameras would pick it up.
Then again, if I were Romney I'd spend a hundred million dollars on 1. A swimming pool filled with whipped cream and yoga instructors, and 2. Some food and maybe a place to live for a few thousand kids. In that order. So I'm obviously not the one to offer campaign advice.
OK – there was nothing remotely offensive in that reply. Fuck you Intense Debate.
I left out the part about the yoga instructors all wearing their hair in a Palin-inspired up-do.
TEA PARTY INCLUDES WHITE LIGHTNING!!
A latte signs are confusing, but that's hardly grounds for eviction. Kona get a witness?
COFFEE LIBEL!!!!
That's an embarristaring string of puns you chose to espress yourself with.
Don't mocha me say I'm sorry.
I dunno what'sumatra with you, jamaican a blue mountain out of a molehill.
Why are you bean such a drip?
No time, as I'm getting a french press with a happy ending.
Standing up?
If it offend thee Mormons, I'll even have the post-coital smoke standing up.
If Romney should somehow win the election, the coffee industry will be able to leverage the "Romney is going to take away your coffee" meme into astronomical sales for stockpilers, much like the guns and ammo industry did when Obama was elected.
So we'll be the new Bitters clinging to our coffee and alcohol? I'm cool with that.
You'll take my hot mug from my cold, dead hands!
Every election cycle is grounds for stockpiling weapons and ammunition, don't you know that already?
The little Goons had a Mormon babysitter way back when and the husband kept cases of cherry Seven-Up on the porch. I thought that sort of defeated the whole "hot-drinks" ban, which was, historically, about not being able to produce stuff like coffee and tea in Utah which posed a kind of foreign-exchange problem that Brigham Young solved just like that. Not to mention: cherry Seven-Up has got to be just fucking disgusting compared to a Coke.
I worked with a fairly devout Mormon. He drank Diet Coke like water. "There's no teaching specifically against caffeine" he'd tell us. He was a sharp guy. Of course, if you spent your life rules-lawyering your way out of inconvenient religious precepts, you'd have to get sharp or get slapped down.
Or be Catholic.
Maybe the Vonnegut buttholes on either side of "Romney" mean something? Because the words by themselves sure don't.
So it goes…
Needs moar vonnegut beaver!
"The Vonnegut Buttholes" just might be the awsomest band name since the Shitty Beatles.
Mitts, however, does enjoy a good cup of Santorum.
At least he won't be advertised as "the kinda President you would like to drink a beer with."
"He's the kinda president you would like to go all Carrie Nation on a tavern with, if you were a prohibitionist lunatic."
Well, of course he did. Because everyone knows that Cuban coffee ain't worth shit without a hint of froth.
Should have stuck with "includes Goya brand gelatin dessert" like I told him.
The proof in the pudding is straight from the horse's mouth: http://mormonchurch.com/680/are-mormon-dietary-la…
The Mormon health code is commonly known as the Word of Wisdom and is contained in a book of modern prophetic revelations called The Doctrine and Covenants.
Forbidden items include: alcohol, tobacco, hot drinks, defined by church leaders as coffee or tea, which was the meaning of the term at the time of the revelation. Herbal teas, which are not really tea, are allowed. Many believe the coffee and tea are forbidden because of caffeine, but this is not true. However, many Mormons avoid all or most caffeine anyway, in part because it is addictive. Why those two specific hot drinks are forbidden has not been revealed. It is taken as a matter of faith.
Meat is permitted, but is to be eaten sparingly, which was unusual in the 1800s, and is, perhaps, equally unusual today, although we now know the health reasons for the instruction.
No mention of boneless pork rectums I see.
Mittens, you must renounce all Tea Party support! It's a matter of faith!
Meat is permitted, but is to be eaten sparingly
*Tearing up Plan C*
So much for Ed Gillespie as Mitt's secret weapon..
Mormons will happily sell you a cup of coffee, a cocktail, or a coffee cocktail in their bars and establishments however. #ilovemarriott
This is a candidacy on solid grounds.
"We've secretly replaced this presidential candidate's decaffeinated coffee with a triple shot of espresso. Let's see of he notiOHMYGOD NO NO OHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES OH GOD OH GARRGGHH UGHH UHHNN…UH…."
After just one sip, the Romney Unit rips off his clothes, right up on the debate podium. "Hrruuunng! HRRUNG!" he grunts, lad in his hand.
Newt is gone before the cameras can switch, out the back door with Brian Williams' wallet. Rick Santorum is rooted to the spot, his eyes fixed on that pulsing mormonism.
Now *that* would be a debate!
Maybe Mitt senses he may be losing his Mormon base.
Um, painfully obvious–TEA PARTY. . .WTF? If caffeine is the Mormon problem, tea is hardly without blemish (I'm guzzling some right now, for flavor, kicks and to piss off his magic undergods).
How the hell do Mormons get the energy to procreate like bunnies then?
The underwear is MAGIC.
Okay. Some of you people of faith believe some fucked up shit.
I just did the Mormon thing to get laid. I'll accept pretty much anything short of Heaven's Gate after a week without sex.
I thought the other guy in office was the one with the weird religiousy stuff, WTF?
Next thing you know they'll call Mittens the Chivas Regal candidate and REALLY make him cross!
I don't know about Mitt…but I love coffee…love it! In fact, I drink so much of it Juan Valdez named his donkey after me.
(I stole that, but I don't remember from who)
Sheesh. What does he do to a guy who isn't a supporter?
The tea is also forbidden, but not the tea bags. If you catch my drift.
Well, the dead giveaway that this guy's a mole is the fact that there are zero misspellings on his sign.
Romney is not a good Mormon: I'm pretty sure he's drinking a Coke Zero in this picture.
Good catch there!
Crap. What am I gonna do with this truckload of redbull?
Can't say Lowfat around Limbaugh,either
Well, it may have had nothing to do with the sign (according to my source). He was actually asked to leave because his name was Juan Valdez, and he had a donkey with him…at least that's how I heard it.
Poor Alan Reynolds.. He sits all day thinking up clever signs and then is shot down by the staff of the very candidate he supports. You'd think he'd realize after awhile that he's cheering for a douche.
So "coffee" is now a four-letter word? Great campaign tactic.
I deduce from this that baptizing Auschwitz victims with coffee won't work, then, but Coke will. Jury's still out on what happens to deads who are baptized with Coke by sadly disappointing CGI polar bears.
So smoking a cuban while sipping a double espresso and then switching to a glass of red wine (an occasional late afternoon custom of mine) wouldn't fly? Fuck em.
Damn – you live in style!!
I spell his name "RMONEY"
Arm yourself with a cross and holy water at a Romney rally and chant, "Go away Devil! Go away Devil!"
It appears to me all that Mormons approve of is birthing a ton of babies and hording billions of dollars. Don't they at least approve of child rape like the Catholics?
Oh they do; they just call it marriage. True marriage is between one man and many women, each starting from the age of twelve or thirteen and sold to him by her parents.
Then why has Romney appeared on Morning Joe?!
That's an oxymormon…
WHO WILL FOLLOW MY "BOOK OF GODDAMNED IDIOCY", TRANSCRIBED FROM THE LIPS OF THE ANGEL CARBONARA ON COMMEMORATIVE SUPER BOWL XXXV PLATES?!
Gitmo-ed … because of coffee?
Not gonna scroll through a million posts to see if I'm the only one to say that tea is also against Mormon doctrine.
Hills Bros. sounds Mormany
That's an Ay-Rab on the can, though.
The cryptic sign wasn't offensive, however, the bouncers are obviously well versed on clearing out anything they don't understand…
Just wait 'til the other Christ cults find out Mormons are also anti-cross. Other than the Angel Moroni trumpeting the second coming of Christ, and crappy jell-o with week-old grapes and other bits of fruit that should have gone to the compost heap, they're not very big on religious symbols.
The real reason they object to coffee isn't the caffeine, it's the blackitude.
First they came for the coffee, and I said nothing….Well, I did say, "Fuck Off, Mittens!".
Next thing you know, you'll be fucking Caribou.
Obviously the 53% that they had hoped to get did not include Seattle, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds or Cubans
We've had teetotalers in the white house before. We will have them again.
Yah, if Mittens wins in November, the WH chef has to scramble to find all the best-ever Jello recipes by Inaugeration time.
I shudder to think about prayer breakfasts without coffee.
I don't know, W always sounded like he was loaded.
When you start out life with approximately four-fifths of a brain, any more brain cells you lose to alcohol are really noticeable.
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