public service announcement

Mentioning Coffee In Romney’s Presence a Form of Grave Offense

Fudge, however, is not against the rules.

One unfortunate Mitt Romney supporter in Florida seems to have discovered a novel way of getting kicked out of a campaign event: Alan Reynolds showed up to a Mittens rally with a sign bearing the (mysterious?) collection of words, “Tea Party Includes Cuban Coffee Romney.” NOT COOL, said Romney campaign staff. Because Mitt Romney does not drink coffee. It is against his magick moon religion. Therefore this hilarious nonsense phrase must be kept away from Mitt AT ALL COSTS and Reynolds was told to leave. No, we don’t understand it, either! Does Mitt Romney melt away like the Wicked Witch if he so much as reads one of the special Mormon naughty words?

That’s one theory. The other conclusion one might draw is that Mitt Romney’s campaign staff does not know how to properly interpret teabagger signage, ha ha:

[Reynolds] thought his sign would be well received at an event with a few hundred mostly Hispanic supporters and a heavily Cuban flavor — including a heap of lechón.

But he may have touched off trouble with his other signage, a piece that read: “No Newt-ist Colony on the Moon, Vote Romney.”

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“They saw the word, ‘Newt,” and thought I was a Gingrich supporter,” Reynolds says.

To smooth things over, he tried to demonstrate his Romney support by showing off his Cuban coffee masterpiece:

​That’s when things really got bizarre, with the staffers bringing up Mormonism’s ban on drinking caffeine. “I said, ‘This sign is clever!,’” he says. “They said it was offensive because he’s Mormon.”

Anyone caught drinking coffee in Mitt Romney’s White House will be sent to Mormon baptize dead popes, as punishment. [Miami New Times]

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206 comments

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Romney is visiting at the end of the month. I wonder if they will require all the coffee vendors within a sixty mile radius to shut down while he is here? Will there be anyone left in Seattle?

      1. Nostrildamus

        My next-door neighbor's a Seattle GOP big-wig, and has hosted pool-side fund-raisers for candidates (e.g. Susan Hutchison) in the past. If he hosts Romney, I'm considering tying a (stuffed) dog to the roof of the van in my driveway. Other ideas from Wonketteers would be appreciated.

        1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

          Also put those little family stick figure stickers on the back window, being sure to add some extra wives, for Moroni's sake.

        2. ThundercatHo

          How's about hosting some Occupiers or Teamsters? Teenaged Heavy Metal Garage Band (named for the day "The Bainiacs")?

          1. Nostrildamus

            Fun story. They hosted a fund-raiser for an empty-headed local news personality (a former Discovery Institute board member and outspoken creationist) who was running for county exec and tried to get my sister-in-law to come. (She lives with us and is quiet about her politics, unlike my wife and I). One teensy problem though: my sister-in-law is a research biologist!

            What could possibly go wrong there?

        3. unclejeems

          Mmm. Have a coffee party. Dump a couple of bags of coffee beans into the neighbor's pool (like, you know, the original Tea Party). Leave time to brew. By the time Romney shows up, the whole place should smell like a Starbucks mother ship.

        4. BigDumbRedDog

          You must live in a nice area. Just throw a party. I will supply all the kegs you need (at cost, cause I can do that) and between the two of us, and any other wonketeers listening, I am sure we can come up with some way to mess with these GOP neighbors. If you can come up with designated drivers, I can supply at least 30 loud, drunk, hairy, potentially gun toting liberals in less than a weeks notice. I am sure we can find something to leave in their pool.

          1. BigDumbRedDog

            oh, and I forgot. who has a pool in seattle? assholes, that's who. unless you also have a pool. then its the exception that proves the rule, blah, blah, blah.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Mainlining cocaine straight into their eyes – Joseph Smith couldn't have banned it, it didn't exist in the nineteenth century! So it's all good.

  1. Goonemeritus

    Well Light Beer offends my religious sensibilities but I never fired anyone over it. I called them a big girls blouse for drinking it but I have never fired them.

  2. Baconzgood

    "This sign is clever!"

    No. It's not. Not even remotely clever. In fact it is devoid of any semblance of clever.

    1. HempDogbane

      There is a new Wingnut comedy show in development based on this. This is just part of the viral marketing campaign, suckers !

  3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Everyone just thought it was fun and games, until the great Starbucks Purge of 2013 showed the true direction of the Romney regime.

    1. Guppy

      Their scripture says no "strong drinks" or "hot drinks." "Strong" seems to mean "alcohol" in context.

      So it sounds like (solid) chocolate is halal, but not hot chocolate drinks.

      (What about iced tea or cola?)

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      If I remember correctly, decaf coffee is still treyf, but decaf tea is okay.

      Do not ask me to explain this, I know it doesn't make sense.

      Also, my own reading of the D&Cs, and a bit of Morman history, suggests that Joe's original intent with "strong" drink was, in fact, strong drink, e.g., whisky. They all used to drink wine and beer back in the day. The current explicit prohibition of alcohol must have come from one of the successor prophets

      1. BerkeleyBear

        The distinction on coffee and tea could make sense. Herbal teas are "caffeine free" because they never had any actual tea to begin with, whereas "decaf" coffee still has a trace amount of caffeine. Although since coke is okay and it has a lot more caffeine, I'm not sure even that makes any sense – and yes, I know about the "hot" crap, but I also grew up around Mormons who never touched a Coke or Pepsi and claimed it was a religious thing. Shit, Hansen's natural sodas was built on the idea the little LDS kiddies were missing out since they couldn't have the devil's sugar water.

      2. chascates

        As a armchair mixologist I've read about how everyone, including children, used to drink weak beer and cider since water and cow's milk were often unsafe. This is back when Protestant ministers (Baptists!) were often paid in whiskey.

        When the group got to Utah there must have been a bunch of disappointed Indians. No alcohol, no tobacco.

    3. Not_So_Much

      It really depends on their ownership stake. Coca-Cola used to be strictly verboten. Then, the church leveraged a massive investment into the CC company and, like magic underwears, they had a divine prophecy that said Coke was totally ok.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Srsly? Back in the day when I knew such things/lived around such people I thought coke/pepsi was absolutely verboten. DID NOT KNOW God spoke to someone about this.

    4. Jukesgrrl

      An online Mormon named "phrog" writes this about the Word of Wisdom, the treatise from which the coffee teaching is derived:

      "if one were to actually read the WoW….they would find it contains more than just a warning against coffee and tea, tobacco and alcohol…..they would find that verses 1–9, comment on the use of wine, strong drinks, tobacco, and hot drinks. that 10–17 speaks to the use of herbs, fruits, flesh, and grain are ordained for the use of man and of animals. and that verses 18–21 tell us that obedience to gospel law, including the WoW, brings blessings.

      the WoW….like most of the things God requires of us…..is more about obedience and trusting His word than anything else. members are expected to exercise wisdom in applying the principles of good health. soft-drinks containing caffeine fall into the 'exercise wisdom' category…..they are not specifically restricted, but many church members voluntarily avoid them."

      Apparently nothing in the WoW pertains to proper English usage.

      But wouldn't it be fun to have a president who is "obedient and trusting" to the teachings of someone who thinks that Missouri is the Garden of Eden? And if he's allowed to "use" "herb," doesn't that mean ganja is A-OK? And about that business of using "flesh" … I hope that's just old-timey talk for eating meat.

      1. SorosBot

        Wait, Mormons have to join WoW? And here I thought they were mostly creepy fit blondes traveling from door to door annoying people, not hairy sweaty Cheeto-munchers hunched over their computers.

  4. Bonghits4Jesus

    At least they didn't step on his toes like the Newt-goons did in Florida. Time for an Irish coffee!

      1. Biff

        But don't for a minute think he won't have millions of supporters who will vote for him because they'd like to have a beer with him, just like their tee-totalling hero dumbya.

  5. coolhandnuke

    Considering Mittens wants to establish a coffee prohibition….shouldn't the sign read Yuban Coffee.

  6. SorosBot

    Sorry Cuban crazy right-wing nut, but no the teabaggers do not include Cubans; you're still not white.

  7. chicken_thief

    Hey, Mittens, Rick Perry called and said he wants his Brokeback Mountain/Niggerhead flaming "chore" coat back.

  8. BigDumbRedDog

    It is scientific fact that a lack of coffee and alcohol leads to insanity. For proof of my assertion, go find someone who refuses to consume both of these and talk to them for ten minutes.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Baby, I don't drink the alcohol but I pound the coffee at a fairly furious rate, am I half-insane?

      1. BigDumbRedDog

        I'm a scientitian. I would tell you in what publications I have been published, but you have never heard of them.

    1. Barrelhse

      Rich girl does it on the bed,
      Poor girl on the floor.
      Lulu does it standing up
      And gets four inches more.

    2. ThundercatHo

      Does it have something to do with the little spermies swimming downstream instead of upstream?

  9. chitrade

    If they let that poster stay, would Romney have to excuse himself from the event? Is it like mentioning Sku^U Twig and Plums?

    "I'm sorry, everyone, but this unit's anterior irony module requires maintenance"

    Space God forbid that someone be *drinking* a coffee. Must be like effin kryptonite.

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And what is the one state in the US that grows coffee? Hawaii!

    And now you know why Romney wants to defeat Obama.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The narrator in Mark Helprin's Memoir from Antproof Case, to be certain, although I know that is obscure as fuck.

    2. doloras

      Not Hitler. The Nazis complained about the German middle-classes drinking effete English-style tea rather than good honest Aryan caffeiny goodness.

  11. hagajim

    See, tea is OK because they use their magik undies to steep the bags in their hot water, thus purifying them of all that caffeine evil.

  12. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mittens needs to be glitter bombed with coffee beans. Bad coffee, don't waste the good stuff on him.

  13. chicken_thief

    Folks, you are focusing on the wrong word. It wasn't "coffee" that offended Willard. It was "Cuban", 'cause Cubans, as we know, give Messicans like him and daddy George a bad rap.

  14. DaRooster

    Mitt doesn't drink coffee, beer, whiskey… how the fuck does he plan on staying sane as President?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Your comment implies that Mitt is currently sane. Perhaps you should do a smidgen of research into the tenets of Mormon belief. You will find that they are all insane already, to believe that shit.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    Memo to Mitt's followers: just wait'll you try the brew from beans digested & pooped out a monkey's ass. I'll wait over here for your post-consumption, blissed-out conversion to your new religion right here, w/ open arms (and palms, because it ain't cheap, that'll be $50 for a cuppa). It's like they say when something's worth its weight in monkeyshit: if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

  16. SoBeach

    "No Newt-ist colony on the moon".

    If I were Romney I'd insist that sign go right up front where all the tv cameras would pick it up.

    Then again, if I were Romney I'd spend a hundred million dollars on 1. A swimming pool filled with whipped cream and yoga instructors, and 2. Some food and maybe a place to live for a few thousand kids. In that order. So I'm obviously not the one to offer campaign advice.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    If Romney should somehow win the election, the coffee industry will be able to leverage the "Romney is going to take away your coffee" meme into astronomical sales for stockpilers, much like the guns and ammo industry did when Obama was elected.

  18. orygoon

    The little Goons had a Mormon babysitter way back when and the husband kept cases of cherry Seven-Up on the porch. I thought that sort of defeated the whole "hot-drinks" ban, which was, historically, about not being able to produce stuff like coffee and tea in Utah which posed a kind of foreign-exchange problem that Brigham Young solved just like that. Not to mention: cherry Seven-Up has got to be just fucking disgusting compared to a Coke.

    1. chitrade

      I worked with a fairly devout Mormon. He drank Diet Coke like water. "There's no teaching specifically against caffeine" he'd tell us. He was a sharp guy. Of course, if you spent your life rules-lawyering your way out of inconvenient religious precepts, you'd have to get sharp or get slapped down.

  19. Selfish_T

    Maybe the Vonnegut buttholes on either side of "Romney" mean something? Because the words by themselves sure don't.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "He's the kinda president you would like to go all Carrie Nation on a tavern with, if you were a prohibitionist lunatic."

  20. elviouslyqueer

    The incident annoyed Reynolds enough — even though he blamed Romney's overzealous staff and not Mittens himself — that when the primary rolled around last Tuesday, he cast his ballot for Rick Santorum instead.

    Well, of course he did. Because everyone knows that Cuban coffee ain't worth shit without a hint of froth.

  21. chascates

    The proof in the pudding is straight from the horse's mouth: http://mormonchurch.com/680/are-mormon-dietary-la
    The Mormon health code is commonly known as the Word of Wisdom and is contained in a book of modern prophetic revelations called The Doctrine and Covenants.
    Forbidden items include: alcohol, tobacco, hot drinks, defined by church leaders as coffee or tea, which was the meaning of the term at the time of the revelation. Herbal teas, which are not really tea, are allowed. Many believe the coffee and tea are forbidden because of caffeine, but this is not true. However, many Mormons avoid all or most caffeine anyway, in part because it is addictive. Why those two specific hot drinks are forbidden has not been revealed. It is taken as a matter of faith.
    Meat is permitted, but is to be eaten sparingly, which was unusual in the 1800s, and is, perhaps, equally unusual today, although we now know the health reasons for the instruction.

  22. SheriffRoscoe

    Mormons will happily sell you a cup of coffee, a cocktail, or a coffee cocktail in their bars and establishments however. #ilovemarriott

  23. Extemporanus

    "We've secretly replaced this presidential candidate's decaffeinated coffee with a triple shot of espresso. Let's see of he notiOHMYGOD NO NO OHHH RUN FOR YOUR LIVES OH GOD OH GARRGGHH UGHH UHHNN…UH…."

    1. chitrade

      After just one sip, the Romney Unit rips off his clothes, right up on the debate podium. "Hrruuunng! HRRUNG!" he grunts, lad in his hand.

      Newt is gone before the cameras can switch, out the back door with Brian Williams' wallet. Rick Santorum is rooted to the spot, his eyes fixed on that pulsing mormonism.

      Now *that* would be a debate!

  24. widestanceshakedown

    Um, painfully obvious–TEA PARTY. . .WTF? If caffeine is the Mormon problem, tea is hardly without blemish (I'm guzzling some right now, for flavor, kicks and to piss off his magic undergods).

  25. neiltheblaze

    Next thing you know they'll call Mittens the Chivas Regal candidate and REALLY make him cross!

  26. Dashboard Buddha

    I don't know about Mitt…but I love coffee…love it! In fact, I drink so much of it Juan Valdez named his donkey after me.

    (I stole that, but I don't remember from who)

  27. barto

    Well, the dead giveaway that this guy's a mole is the fact that there are zero misspellings on his sign.

  28. Antispandex

    Well, it may have had nothing to do with the sign (according to my source). He was actually asked to leave because his name was Juan Valdez, and he had a donkey with him…at least that's how I heard it.

  29. smokefilledroommate

    Poor Alan Reynolds.. He sits all day thinking up clever signs and then is shot down by the staff of the very candidate he supports. You'd think he'd realize after awhile that he's cheering for a douche.

  30. kissawookiee

    I deduce from this that baptizing Auschwitz victims with coffee won't work, then, but Coke will. Jury's still out on what happens to deads who are baptized with Coke by sadly disappointing CGI polar bears.

  31. littlebigdaddy

    So smoking a cuban while sipping a double espresso and then switching to a glass of red wine (an occasional late afternoon custom of mine) wouldn't fly? Fuck em.

  32. JackObin

    It appears to me all that Mormons approve of is birthing a ton of babies and hording billions of dollars. Don't they at least approve of child rape like the Catholics?

    1. SorosBot

      Oh they do; they just call it marriage. True marriage is between one man and many women, each starting from the age of twelve or thirteen and sold to him by her parents.

  33. Biff

    Not gonna scroll through a million posts to see if I'm the only one to say that tea is also against Mormon doctrine.

  34. BZ1

    The cryptic sign wasn't offensive, however, the bouncers are obviously well versed on clearing out anything they don't understand…

  35. natoslug

    Just wait 'til the other Christ cults find out Mormons are also anti-cross. Other than the Angel Moroni trumpeting the second coming of Christ, and crappy jell-o with week-old grapes and other bits of fruit that should have gone to the compost heap, they're not very big on religious symbols.

  36. FishingCFP

    Obviously the 53% that they had hoped to get did not include Seattle, Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds or Cubans

  37. orygoon

    Yah, if Mittens wins in November, the WH chef has to scramble to find all the best-ever Jello recipes by Inaugeration time.

  38. tessiee

    When you start out life with approximately four-fifths of a brain, any more brain cells you lose to alcohol are really noticeable.

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