wheeeeee

Failed Republican Windbag Karen Handel Self-Aborts From Komen

byeeeeeeee

A week after 100-percent prime Republican Karen Handel and her completely non-ideological money thing that “best” “serves” women decided to cut its funding to Planned Parenthood because it was “under investigation” by crazies, and then undecided to once more, Handel announced her resignation Tuesday as senior vice president of public affairs in a terribly rude missive of the kind that suggests this zygote-loving failed politician did not want to go gently into obscurity/a night of passion with Meg Whitman. “I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it,” Handel said, spoken like a true loser politician.

Handel said discussions about cutting funding to Planned Parenthood began before she joined the foundation last year, and then became Reality once she, pro-lifer and one-time wannabe Republican governor of Georgia (she lost to Governor Nathan Deal, also a Republican, in a phenomenon known as Palin’s Razor), showed up. “Neither the decision nor the changes themselves were based on anyone’s political beliefs or ideology.” Sure sure. But the funny part about that is that when the foundation reversed its decision last week, it said:

Our original desire was to fulfill our fiduciary duty to our donors by not funding grant applications made by organizations under investigation. We will amend the criteria to make clear that disqualifying investigations must be criminal and conclusive in nature and not political. That is what is right and fair.

Somewhere, zygote charm bracelet-wearing chatty jackass Rick Santorum is holding a candlelight vigil for all the people who made the machines that made the money that is paying for the 750,000-per-annum breast cancer screenings that Planned Parenthood funds, and which it got lots more money to fund when this whole debacle went pleasantly viral. [AP]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Not to veer off topic, but Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional

    http://www.mydesert.com/article/20120207/NEWS01/1

    Celebrate good times, bitches!

    • V572 Flambé

      Battle Royale in Supreme Court, coming our way!

      Mikey Steele was on one of the MSNBC yak shows just now, pooh-poohing this, local option, CA only, etc. Somebody asked him, "How would you feel if some states made it illegal for a black man to marry a white woman?"

      He got all huffy and said, "Many black people, including me, are deeply offended by the equation of gayitude with blackitude. Because when I walk into a room, everybody knows I'm black."

      Hang on to those threads of hope, homophobes. They're being burned off one by one.

      • CapnFatback

        Steele's got a point. There has to be an easier way for him to figure out which dudes he's got a shot with.

        Well, hypothetically, at any rate.

        • Callyson

          None of 'em, Katie.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        Would that be the "big in musical theatre" Mikey Steele, by any chance? Er, Mikey, when you walk in the room, everyone knows your gay, also…………..

        • HistoriCat

          So that whole "lesbian bondage club" thing was just homos supporting each other?

      • ThundercatHo

        "Because when I walk into a room, everybody knows I'm black." At least on the outside, Big Mike.

        Also, too, gayitude/blackitude? WTF is that?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I always thought he was some of that "high yellah" we been hearin' about so much 'round here lately.

        • CapnFatback

          Gayitude and blackitude are what cartographers use to plot coordinates in Obama's fascist America, duh.

        • Ramon X

          What The Fuckitude?

        • tessiee

          "Also, too, gayitude/blackitude? WTF is that?"

          And yet, somehow, I feel certain that "gayitude" and "blackitude" will take their place alongside "blah", "urban", and "near" in the Wonketteverse.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        "Because when I walk into a room, everybody knows I'm black."

        Yep and everyone knows your a fucking moron – maybe you shouldn't be able to marry for that reason.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Well, Mikey, maybe there's some way to mark all the gays. A tattoo or something perhaps.
        Oh wait, there's probably a bunch of pink ribbons available in the meantime.

    • SorosBot

      That's eight states – and one district – down; 42 states to go! Sigh.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I can't believe that "Walker is gay and therefore biased" bullshit still goes unchallenged in the media.

      These Christofacist douchebags are supposedly straight and they're more biased than all the California judges combined into one seething, activist pile of robes.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Actually, one of the more brilliant pieces of prop 8 video footage involved the 9th circuit court shredding the pro-8 lawyers for asserting that a gay man can't rule impartially. They basically asked him over and over again, "Do you have evidence this judge wanted to get married? No? Then sit the fuck down."

        • WhatTheHolyHeck

          Thing is, the judges keep missing a golden opportunity to cut off the plaintiffs at the knees.

          PLAINTIFFS
          OMG HOMO WALKER'S BIASED

          JUDGE
          Based on what evidence?

          PLAINTIFFS
          He's gay, so he's personally affected by the decision the court makes.

          JUDGE
          Wouldn't a straight judge have the same bias?

          PLAINTIFFS
          No, because he's not personally affected by the outcome.

          JUDGE
          . . .

          PLAINTIFFS
          FUCK.

          • ThundercatHo

            I would give you 100 upfists if I could.

      • tessiee

        "all the California judges combined into one seething, activist pile of robes."

        I heard there's a video of that on the innertoobs.

    • widestanceshakedown

      I iz in yur nupshuwels, skull-fukin' yur sanktitty, sheepullz!

    • chascates

      Catholics for the Common Good President William B. May: It is the reality that unites a man and a woman with each other and any children born from their union. This is what marriage is; that is what it does. It is a reality that can only be recognized by law and never changed.

      Marriage was once defined as a man and his chattel. Women could not vote, hold property, or complain about marital rape. The 'Catholics for the Common Good' would forbid women as clergy, deny them their reproductive rights, and cover up the sexual transgressions of their priests.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Friend of a friend wrote this on FB earlier:

      "Between Madonna's half-time show, the premiere of Smash and Prop 8 being overturned, I'd say the gays are having THE BEST WEEK EVER!"

  • Extemporanus

    Who's aborted now, Karen?

    • Extemporanus

      I'm beginning to feel a little uncomfortable with this dark comment being sandwiched between two glittery gay buns of joy.

      Um, here:

      YAY PROP 9 RULING!! 8====D ~~~ ~ ~

    • Radiotherapy

      Extem, we don't have to eat her now…. do we?

      • iburl

        You may wish to put her in a dress and hug and kiss her for a few days, that or make some Gramma Bush Preserves.

        • Extemporanus

          Two words, you two: "Herky Jerky".

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I bet she's feeling in the pink now!

    • Extemporanus

      NO FAIR, LIZ!

      You performed a late-term verbortion on the headline — it originally read "Karen Handel self-ejects from Komen" — and now my baby looks like a stillborn clone or something!

  • MissTaken

    Prop 8 just ruled unconstitutional. Next stop, Supreme Court.

    Yay for gays, and yay for boobies!

    • Fare la Volpe

      It's a great day for gays and fruit flies everywhere!

      • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

        Gay boobies!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          They're fabulous AND flouncy!

    • SorosBot

      It's boobie appreciation week!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        When is not, exactly?

        • HateMachine

          I think I'll duck into the office bathroom and celebrate boobie appreciation half-minute.

    • Steverino247

      While I'm happy for the gays, I'll take boobies, please.

      On a serious note, I met a couple who got married while it was still legal and has life been interesting for them. Ugh!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      And Yeah for Movies about Gay Boobies….,

      Or am I getting off topic?

  • HempDogbane

    Ari Fleischer has selected himself to fill this new pink opening.

    • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

      Abramoff will be the new ethics/compliance director

  • ThundercatHo

    Fuck the fuck off you lying sack of used tampons.

    • finallyhappy

      shit, you beat me to it- basically – but yours is more poetic. I was just going to say " fuck off, Karen"

  • Flat_Earther

    Apparently it was too hot to Handel…

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Door. Ass. Way out.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Watch the handle don't shaft you up the chuff as it slams behind you….

    • MosesInvests

      Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And take your PINK™ slip with you.

      Next target: Nancy Brinken. Komen is dead in the water until they flush her out as well.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Wait, she didn't say she needed to spend more time with her family? Because I'm sure her family can't wait to just spend more time with this shrew.

    • finallyhappy

      let's not malign shrews. I was at the zoo last week- did you ever see an elephant nosed shrew??? It is as cute as anything. This woman is just a nasty faced bitch.

  • Joshua Norton

    “I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it,”

    Yeah. The truth will sometimes do that to you.

    Another "I'm just a victim" whiner. They should send the Liberal Media the cleaning bill for them having to piss themselves so often.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      "I'm deeply disappointed that I got well and truly caught with my pants around my ankles as I tried to further the march of theocratic facism, racism, homophobia, misogyny and being an utter sow"

    • NellCote71

      I believe the preferred phrase is: "Cry me a river."

      • MosesInvests

        Ed Kilgore at Political Animal called his post on the subject "Handel's Water Music". Heh.

    • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

      Another "I'm just a victim" whiner. They should send the Liberal Media the cleaning bill for them having to piss themselves so often.

      Well, she is a Palin fan. And of course, the quitting and total failures are always the fault of that "liberal media".

  • Baconzgood

    Titty day on Wonkette. Me likey.

    • MozakiBlocks

      Most days are…

    • DaRooster

      Titty Tuesday!!

      A regular thing?

      • Toomush_Infer

        What do you have against Wednesdays…?

  • CapnFatback

    Righties have no room to complain. When we shame someone on their side to resign, we don't have to resort to James O'Keefe-style selective editing and general douchebaggery.

    • Terry

      Well, the ones who CAN be shamed.

  • BarackMyWorld

    “I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it,” Handel said…

    So she's disappointed with herself?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's odd. Because we are not at all suprised by the gross mischaracterizartions of the strategy, its rationale, and her involvement with it.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I believe Karen when she says it wasn't a POLITICAL decision or ideology to screw Planned Parent. It was done out of RELIGIOUS bigotry.

    • Chichikovovich

      Oh, it's both. Religious fanaticism, to be sure, but Planned Parenthood is also the latest target in the Republican strategy to defund the left, which has already knocked off ACORN and has unions under the gun. Watch for more fake investigations, which then can be used as fake rationales for blatantly political decisions in the future.

  • Schmannnity

    “Neither the decision nor the changes themselves were based on anyone’s political beliefs or ideology.”

    In fact, we kept flailing around to come up with a plan to foment the biggest backlash and black eye for the organization. My work here is now done.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Who knew that nearly killing a bunch of poor chicks would get people so mad?

  • Local_Mojo

    You can almost see Nancy Brinker's face melting. At least one less winged monkey.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    This crazy will metastasize elsewhere. Always does.

    • Baconzgood

      Karen, Fox News is on line 2.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    You can't Handel the truth!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Need a job Karen?
    I hear Herman Cain has a job for you.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ur doing it rong, she's sposed to have a job for the Cain.

    • Wadisay

      So does Fox News.

  • PuckStopsHere

    She ought to go and take a three-day walk…

    • Biff

      In Death Valley, in July.

    • Terry

      off a short pier.

  • SorosBot

    If they're not funding organizations that are under criminal investigation, then why are they still funding Penn State?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Nothing in the Bible against child molestation.

      • SorosBot

        Jesus did ask the little children to come on to him…

        • Fare la Volpe

          And I seem to recall that if you rape a virgin you can marry her guilt-free.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Watch your Breaking News source. She'll be announcing a Kitty Harris-like vanity campaign for something or other any minute now.

  • chicken_thief

    Damn. Never saw that coming.

  • edgydrifter

    Yo, bitch. Your primary mission is not fiduciary oversight of your donations and establishment of appropriate grant criteria. It's finding cancer, treating cancer, stopping cancer and curing cancer. You are a fraud.

  • Chichikovovich

    Hmmm… Apparently if you're meant to be handling a public relations task in which you make an easily discredited claim to be apolitical in making an obviously politically motivated decision, it's a bad idea to retweet a sarcastic message calling Planned Parenthood a "pro-abortion group" and telling them to "Cry me a river".

    I'll have to make a note of that, just in case I want to go into the appearances-handling line of work myself.

    • memzilla

      What do you expect from someone named Miss Handel (ahem)?

      • Terry

        and who Sarah Palin christened a Mama Grizzly?

  • Radiotherapy

    Now could we get rid of those incessant pink ribbons too?

  • coolhandnuke

    She'll be scooped up by some right wing thinktank who loves listening to Handel's messiah complex.

  • SorosBot

    I am deeply disappointed by the accurate characterization of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it. Both the decision and the changes themselves were based solely on political beliefs and ideology, but we made up an excuse to try and mask that and how dare you look at our real motives and not accept the patently bullshit reasons we gave you for the decision.

  • fartknocker

    This will give her time to write her speech when she's paraded on stage at the RNC convention as a "true pro-life and I should know because the gubermint must regulate vaginas" advocate.

  • sewollef

    Now wait just a minute there, Mr Norton.

    As a member of said "liberal media" I sure as shit ain't cleaning Handel's smelly panties. I might catch something… like a bout of Fleischeritis.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Go to hell Karen.

  • Radiotherapy

    You might call this an ovary reach on the wingnuts part.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Maybe Karen can get a job with Lactation Rooms-R-Us, Inc.

  • Schmannnity

    Handel's Meschugge

  • smashedinhat

    SINK THE PINK!

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Well, out to lunch to have an abortion and celebrate…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    It's not her fault Scooby and Shaggy got her to walk onto the booby trap door.

    • MosesInvests

      And she would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those darn kids!

  • SayItWithWookies

    And not a trimester too soon. See you out by the biowaste dump, Handel!

  • orygoon

    God sure has it in for these folks this week. And it's only Tuesday–keep it up, God!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Condoms and things that come by the dozen
    That ain't nothin' but borshun clinic lovin'
    Hey little thing let me light your candel
    'Cause mama I'm sure hard to Handel, now
    Gets around

    • MOG2410

      Let's record the video and post on YouTube, she'll love it! heh.

  • StarsUponThars

    First Handel bails, then Prop 8 is ruled unconstitutional. It's a good day to be a godless pinko fag-hugging heathen. Mojitos and abortions for everyone!

    • ElPinche

      mmmmm abortions……I mean Mojitos!

  • Chichikovovich

    “I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it,

    This is wingnut speak for "I've gotten accustomed to doing whatever I please and never getting called on it. People describing what actually happened and reacting accordingly instead of accepting my transparent bullshit is changing the rules of the game in midstream, which is outrageously unfair".

    Man, nobody can whine about being held accountable for their actions quite like the stalwarts of the Party of Personal Responsibility.

    • freakishlywrong

      Victims. All. And bigoted, judgmental bullying asswipes. All.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I can't believe she's walking away now, not just when the Komen Foundation is allegedly inaugurating an $8 billion dollar mammogramplex.

    • finallyhappy

      I'm going to the local mammogramplex this week- can't wait to get my boobs squashed between glass shelves and then irradiated. However, I am truly grateful for my health insurance and that I am not dependent on rightwing assholes to decide if I can get the big boob squeeze.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Have you been to the "human hands only" ride at the MMGplex? I felt so warm and secure, knowing that the volunteers there just had my breast interest at heart. Very personal service. Would recommend.

  • memzilla

    The best anagram of "Karen Handel" is: A Rankled Hen.

  • Baconzgood

    “I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it. I mean I was being a heartless cunt bitch who was pandering to the religious right so I could set the ground work for my next election bid at poor womens expense. It was win-win and now because I was caught doing it and poor women got pissed it's all the godless liberal agenda Occupy Wall Street homosexual crack dealers' fault I lost my job"

  • HelmutNewton

    One thing we know for sure is that Handel ain't going anywhere. With the conservatard "fail upwards' philosophy, she'll be back making big bucks and harassing decent working people soon enough.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Look out! Karen's got a (pink) gun!

  • UnholyMoses

    Handel announced her resignation Tuesday as senior vice president of public affairs stupid ideas and epic fail.

    Fixed to more accurately reflect her job performance.

  • mavenmaven

    I guess this means she's going to run for governor again.

  • memzilla

    Ironical Laff Riot: Next to the Bloomberg article on Planned Parenthood is this article entitled Three Types of People to Fire Immediately: The Victims, the Non Believers, and The Know-It-Alls.

    Miss Handel (ahem) fits each category nicely.

  • FakaktaSouth

    That bitch ain't going anywhere. She's got her self righteous ass on her shoulders about this and even though her grand experiment has FAILED – she will absolutely wear this out into "I fought for my pro life beliefs" to the point where we will all want to have at least half an abortion in spite of her. Even the men.

    • SorosBot

      She fought for her "pro-life" beliefs; but it wasn't a political decision. Right.

    • ttommyunger

      True enough, she's as hard-headed as she is wrong-headed.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I was wondering why people out in the street were putting on Abortion Hats and dancing about.

  • ElPinche

    I smell a Handel PAC website begging for money akin to leatherface's "I yelled at the nigger POTUS, where's my money" PAC.

  • Steverino247

    No cure for Handel.

  • Goonemeritus

    Netflix’s Reed Hastings and Jon Corzine MF Global look like Bill Gates compared to her. Never in my memory has so much damage been done to a brand by one executive in so short a time. I would bet that when it all settles in Komen will be half its former size. Not too shabby a record (-50%CAGR) in one Qrt.

    • Schmannnity

      If only she had the same effect on breast tumors.

    • ThundercatHo

      Did she put New Coke in the vending machines, too?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I like women in short skirts and long jackets, but today all the Karens are changing back to Kitty.

    • MissTaken

      And I'm pretty sure she has a white Chrysler LeBaron

  • Terry

    Republican Karen Handel. Too crazy for Georgia. Too crazy for Komen.

  • sharethegrief

    Handel is just pissed. She wanted to fly first-class like Brinker does. In the contest of ample leg room and free cocktails vs breast cancer research, Brinker prevails.

  • Nostrildamus

    C'mon, Karen. Get a bottle of peroxide, lose a few pounds, and that job at Fox news desk is yours.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      From what I've seen, she'll need a quart of bondo, too.

    • VaWyo

      And some gawd-awful high-shimmery pink makeup. They all look like they should be in a Katy Perry video.

    • Rotundo_

      It would take a whole lot more than that. I figure if nothing else she has a face made for radio, and lord knows they need more conservative voices on scratchy shitty AM stations in the middle of fucking nowhere, and we mean it, USA.

  • chascates

    She'll make the rounds of the rightwing women's organizations until she's offered a sinecure for being a martyr to the preborn.

  • Indiepalin

    Whatever your political views, this has to be the biggest public relations fiasco since "Sarah Palin's Alaska: Clubbing the Halibut"

    • Terry

      The biggest p.r. fiasco of Miz Palin's outdoorsy bits on television is that they proved she's not an outdoorswoman as she claims.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    And a new FOX News commentator is born.

    • Rotundo_

      She doesn't have the looks to pull it off, AM radio in some backwater market in JawJaw where she can rant on about commies and abortionists to her hearts content.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Ha ha ha. I hope she gets cancer.

  • Guppy

    I have to respect that she took the mature option, the high road of quietly resigning for the good of the organization's greater cause rather than resort to backbiting and finger-pointing. It would have been a shame if she'd instead chosen to further distract from the importance of health screenings by way of a flamboyant exit complete with inflammatory statements.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Is that a wire hanger, Karen, or are you just happy to see me?

  • neiltheblaze

    Why didn't she just have Ari Fleischer read this stream of bullshit and lies out loud at a press conference? It would be just like the olden days!

  • VaWyo

    I'd get an abortion to celebrate if only I was preggers. Damn that tubal!

    • SorosBot

      Well go ahead and get to work on some artificial insemination then!

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    I hear the HRC is looking for new leadership…
    I'd love to have her fired again…

  • hagajim

    "I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations fact that I got called on this bullshit. There, fixed.

  • barto

    Sure, they weren't "based on" any one person's political beliefs, they were just "driven by" them. That's another thing entirely, people.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    A someone despicable once said, "cry me a freaking river." Now about your bud, Ari…

  • ttommyunger

    She epitomizes her breed of abortion-nut: a woman nobody wants to fuck.

  • Urban_Achiever

    Palin/Handel 2012!

    Speaking of which, can't wait to hear Lou Sarah's response (and you KNOW she'll have one)

  • tessiee

    Job as Fox commentator in 4…
    3…
    2…

  • MissTaken

    Boob Libel!!