Silence, peons! A Job Creator is Speaking! This particular Employer is Tom Stemberg (just
“Boss” to you) and he is alleged to have Created Jobs as a co-founder of Staples, a successful dispensary for overpriced printer ink. Stemberg, a Titan of Industry, is out and about, and raising some very interesting questions. (Let’s just get the question that immediately comes to mind out of the way: OOOH, DO YOU THINK HE KNEW MITT AT STAPLES?!) Now: will Obamacare, as Stemberg asserts, allow ladies/wet nurses in Private Employ to breastfeed in peace, and thereby permanently cripple job creation across America, forever?
Stemberg offers his careful interpretation of Obamacare to wingnut digital pamphlet CNS News:
“Do you want [farming retailer] Tractor Supply to open stores or would you rather they take their capital and do what Obamacare and its 2,700 pages dictates – which is to open a lactation chamber at every single store that they have?” he asked.
First, thank you, sir, for citing the number of pages because the size of the bill is so rarely mentioned, though it is fairly DAMNING EVIDENCE PER SE. Second, whoawhoawhoa! Can you make this stuff up?
“You can’t make this stuff up.”
Cool, just wanted to double-check.
Now, don’t get him wrong, guys. He’s “big on breastfeeding.” His wife did it. In fact, Stembergs have been breastfeeding since time immemorial. This Stemberg is just not really into investing Capital into the milk needs of the lower orders’ spawn, that’s all, so just go ahead and repeal Obamacare, or the economy gets it, thanks! [CNS News]
{ 164 comments }
The real question is: Does Wonkette have a "Lactation Chamber"?
nonverb911:
At a rough guess, I'm estimating approximately 50% of the good folks here on Wonkette (on both sides of the screen) have a pair of lactation chambers.
Pictures, or it didn't happen
You really really don't want to know.
Oh no I do!
I think the fainting couch does double-duty. When I worked for a state agency, a room was set aside for such activities. I thought it was a collosal waste of resources, since 98.5% of the female workforce were well beyond their need for a lactation chamber, so I began an email campaign for a masturbatorium. In retrospect, I'm beginning to see where my career began to stall.
Come on, the stalls in the men's room aren't just for shitting!
Don't I know it–that's where I used my magic bullet!
Our Wonkette is a lactation chamber.
"I gotcher lactation chamber right here" (rips open blouse)
Whoa, my office just became a whacktation chamber.
You spelled "torture chamber" wrong
My next lactation chamber will certainly not be purchased from Staples, you screwed up there Stemberg!
Stemberg only supports sucking from the government teat.
You can make this stuff up, because I'm pretty sure that's what Stemberg just did.
Besides, what would be the purpose of lactation chambers, when Obamacare was designed to kill all the fetuses for our culinary pleasures?
A keen opportunity for Dunder Mifflin to diversify into the lacretive Chamber market
No sense vying over spewed milk.
Buy six cases of overpriced Staples ink. Receive a free Lactation Chamber Kit.
My next job: lactation chamber quality tester
One of my former bosses was pretty unhappy with her job.
I gave her a PortaPotty inspection sticker and told her to keep it in plain sight on her desk.
If he is so opposed to breast feeding, he should just take his lips off his Momma's nips.
Staples has an EASY button in their Lactation Chamber
That's called a "nipple."
That's why it won't go down when I press it!
Shorter Stemberg: Tits, GTFO.
Excellent!
Lactation Chamber. Talk about an awsome band name!
Already taken by the Lactation Chamber Orchestra. They're got a tranquil, elevator muzak feel. It's not much for dancing, but you can definitely lactate to it.
Perhaps not great musicians, but they do know how to milk it.
That joke sucks.
It's worth a boobie prize.
Your move, Office Max.
It figures that a lactation chamber would be of serious concern to a pod person.
A broom closet and a folding chair are too costly for you? I had no idea Staples was on the brink of financial ruin. They probably deduct utility fees from their employees' paychecks and demand they bring their own toilet paper from home, too.
Just think of the money we will save on lunches during the week. Just rename the lactation chambers as employee lunchrooms.
The women working in the lactation chamber should be paid more than the male employees since they are performing lunchroom duty in addition to their usual workplace responsibilities.
We can even have them stick their heads in a trough so they can eat while their cow-orkers draw off their lactations.
Jerb Creators prefer Star Chambers over the Lactation Chambers that Socialist Kenyans enjoy shoving down their throats.
True story: my wife is pumping milk at work these days. Her lactation chamber is the conference room. If it's booked, she has to sit at the Bloomberg terminal and put up a warning sign.
That's what makes this so funny: most offices or stores have a quiet, private corner (or at least it can be made temporarily private) where a woman can pump if she needs to. I'm sure all the HCR bill suggests is making this known to women who work there, where that space is.
But nooooooooooooooo! It creates lactation chambers!
So here's what I suggest: ejaculate cubicles. Most people jerkoff doing their jobs anyway, so why not codify it?
Do you ever videocon in just so you can see her in action?
No, but when we're at home I always ask the kid "are you going to finish that?"
Y'know, there's usually two of them…
When Obama gives Staples to its rightful owner, Mavis, this Minimum-Wage-Paying-To-Climb-multi-story-ladders-and-take-down-150lb-reems-of-paper MF'r is going to shit all the way to the misery that is Galt's Gulch.
reparations, bitch.
The Repubicans sure are obsessed with lady parts. (I am too, but for different reasons.)
Instead of fretting about "lactation chambers", he could also say with Obamacare Tractor Supply's customers will (literally) not have to "bet the farm" that the strange pain in their left shoulder is just the rhumatiz actin' up.
A lactation chamber at Tractor Supply Co.? Must be a Deer.
It would take more than 2700 pages to clean up the mess that is health care in the U.S. at present. Let's just consider the first 2700 a downpayment.
Just wait until the Feminazi Nursing Tank Brigades have crushed all the jerb creators.
Then you'll be sorry, lieberals. Oh yes you will!
~
In Canada you have to wait in line so long to get aspirin that by the time you get it, you catch AIDS! This is what I've heard.
I lived in Canada for (almost all of) the first 24 years of my life, and it was only when my mother got fed up and came to an American maternity hospital that I was born (75th trimester).
ANCHOR BABBY LIBEL!!1!
There's a virtual chamber app for that.
What's next to destroy job creation in this country huh? Diaper changing stations? Women's rooms? Fire exits? Typical nObama liburals destroying Jebus Emerica.
Mmmmmm Boobies mmmmmmmmmm!
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the "culture of life."
This is what happens when your negro president expects you to hire pregnant women, instead of letting them stay home barefoot in the kitchen.
I hear they are firing at Komen, but hiring at Staples. It is a revolving outhouse door.
I wonder what this jackass has against retaining the precious bodily fluids of funbags?
But really, this is the breast argument against "Obamacare" ever, and Stemberg should milk it for all it's worth; this in no way makes him look like a total boob.
That's it, go in with both guns blazing.
Whenever I enter a Staples, my milk lets down.
Not buying the overpriced Staples cow if the milk is self-serve.
SHOW US YOUR LACTATION CHAMBERS!!!!!
Aisle 7, Beads
LACTATION CHAMBERS or GTFO!
See, the deal is, if babies need lactation chambers, then obviously they aren't fetuses any more, so to hell with them, as the Republicans say.
You know where all this leads, damn it! BREAST PANELS!!!!
Will work for seconds.
He’s “big on breastfeeding.” His wife did it.
Yes, but that was the pool boy and you were supposed to film, not watch.
2700 pages sounds even worse when you compare it to the half page needed for the Republican health plan: Fuck off and Die. And that's in large type.
Maybe we can make some lacto-butter, let it go rancid, and send it to him via wrist rocket at his next speaking gig, Whale Wars style.
Call it "Boob-ter"
And what will you do when they deploy the Sarah Palin sonic screech weapon? Huh?
I'll get her a job as a topless waitress and set a boobytrap.
Something tells me the guys at "Tractor Supply" aren't getting a lot of boob action anyway.
Udder defeat.
Oh deere god.
Sounds like it could be the right place to get milking machines.
And the world's famous Bag Balm, while designed for use on milk cow udders, it also works great for keeping your hands soft during the Winter months.
This asshole sells office supplies, folks. It's like taking stock tips from the photocopier repair guys.
I get my tips from a guy who works at the NYSE. He's the janitor, but you know, they hear things…
Probably more reliable than Jim Cramer.
Today I will drive to the outskirts of my small rural town, I will walk to the middle of a vacant lot, I will kneel in the cold, muddy soil and shed a quiet tear for the Tractor Supply that could have been in that very spot, if not for the selfish needs of an infant. America as I knew it is gone.
I live beyond the outskirts of my small rural town, and it frustrates me no end that I have to drive to a metropolis in a neighboring state to find a Tractor Supply.
I live in a redwood forest and subsist on ewoks and other woodland creatures and it frustrates me to no end that until today, I had never heard of a Tractor Supply.
I live in Iowa and we can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Tractor Supply. It frustrates me to no end that the clothing department is considered the height of fashion.
I live in Nebraska and I have 3 of those stores within spitting distance. Their clothes are good for walking around in the mud and hiding.
If you're swinging dead cats, I think you're doing swinging wrong.
I live in Indiana. So, yeah.
We have a rather small room here for this, but it's a combo lactation chamber/rape room and it has presented some scheduling issues.
As long as it's honest rape, I'll allow it.
The way the Lakers have been playing, I'd say the Staples Center is one big lactation station, amIright????
This is funny because
a) Women don't use tractors
b) Lactation chambers? We want 'em out here where we can watch!
"…2,700 pages…"
He's right! Too many pages. So let's simplify it.
Thou shalt not put profit before caring for the sick among us.
Honor your father and mother that they may retire without fear of bankruptcy.
Thou shalt not kill people by denying treatment for pre-existing conditions.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife's lady parts.
Thou shalt keep thy hospitals available and affordable to all.
Thou shalt not fob off thy medical bills by using the ER and walking away.
Thou shalt love the born more than the unborn.
YOU BASTARD! That's straight out of the Koran, isn't it?
Ugh. DO YOU want "another" Tractor Store? I think there is one in this town but I do not know where a farm is and I KNOW this asshole doesn't. Hey, very poor, do you WANT a tractor or to feed your kid for free in public privately? If you ever get a job. Maybe.
I don't understand. Boobies exist purely for the enjoyment of men. What is this "lactating" thing you keep talking about?
You have failed in your responsibility to be barefoot and pregnant, missy.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I should be locked in the Lactation Chamber (supply closet here at work) for the rest of the day.
Work? You're supposed to be serving your husband, raising his kis, provinding him sexual pleasure and picking his socks off the floor, not working at your own job!
Meet me in the supply closet today at 3 and I'll search for your Easy button, maybe help you start the path to lactation.
If lactation chambers are such a problem for conservatives, maybe they should be pushing a pro-birth control agenda, and maybe even a little sex-ed.
Finally, a voice of reason!
Girls are so icky!
Hell, at Tractor Supply I am sure they have those dairy milking machines. You could hook 2 women up to them at one time, but Stemberg wouldn't have an issue with that.
#Win.
I'm standing with Jack D. Ripper on this one. P.O.E. ( purity of essence ) is paramount.
A Safe Room free of some kind of preverts. Don't want to run into some boob on isle 4b anyway.
I pray to run into some boob in any isle. Not the yucky Tom Stemberg kind of boob, but the yummy full of the nectar of life kind.
"A woman's place is in the Lactation Chamber"
– Tom Stemberg
Are the Lactation Chambers near the Abortionplex?
FAIL.
A more important question is will the Abortionplex be forced to spend its capital on lactation chambers for its employees instead of providing abortions more efficiently?
OOOO! Lactation Chamber!
What a fancy-shmancy name for some battered-up chair behind the old tractors.
(I'll bet someone sells tickets.)
Office Depot is looking better every day! Go staple the letter A for asshole to your forehead, Stemberg.
The Lactation Chamber of Commerce is not amused.
That he's "big on breastfeeding" is something one could see coming from miles away.
What's next, Stemberg? Calling the women's bathroom the Menstruation Chamber?
He's going to lose his seat on the lactation chamber of commerce.
Tom Stemberg? The Tom Stemberg who wrote a letter to his 12-year-old son telling him that "It will not be possible for you to be part of our family in the forseeable future" due to his alleged taking sides in his parents' divorce?
Well, if anyone knows something about responsible parenting and meeting the needs of their children, it must be this fellow.
Tractor Supply stores? They also sell a lot of riding supplies. Farm girls, lactation chambers, whips, horses, rubber boots …. Fuck it. They should just designate a changing room as the masturbation chamber and let the money roll in.
S&M chambers. Job creation for dominatrix's (dominatii?)
As a teenager, I was always partial to the Marilyn Chambers act.
I know it's bad of me, but….Michelle can breastfeed me anytime….I know, I know…
While I hesitate to criticize any discussion of women's breasts, Stemberg is a jerk even by wingnut standards.
Don't know about you, but around here the entire Staples is pretty much a secluded place. The only intrusions come from the minions asking if they can help you find something, and even they disappear when you're actually looking for something. So, no prob – milk 'em if ya got 'em.
Is a lactation chamber similar to a gas chamber, only in it one is milked to death?
Because I saw a movie with that once, and it didn't look like such a bad way to go.
Yes, but what of the hated milk machine?
HA!
Man, sometimes I really wish that I grew up on a farm…
I'm all for boobies in the workplace – regardless of the reason. However, methinks "the boss/jerb creator" better look to his own floundering empire or the next thing we'll be bailing out is the Staples/Office Depot/Office Max mafia.
Eh though Mittens R'Money created all the jobs at the Staples….
On People's Collective Farm Cooperative nº 342, in the Freedom Zone outside the still glowing ruins of Atlanta it is common practice for comrades in the revolution to suckle the babies grown in the Laboratory of Life Fertility and Hotdog Processing Facility nº22 while driving our precious life giving tractors. Dear Leader has demanded it. One simply takes care on the turns not to jostle the feeding babe.To insure safety the close circuit hidden video feed is directly accessed by Lord Master Romney himself.
Don't they already have Lactation Chambers at Tractor Supply Company? That's where kids can watch while they milk the cows for extra money.
I know this has no place in a post about tits, but Prop 8 smacked down by 9th Circuit Court.
This is great news, Biff. This oughta stir up the murky waters of Mormanity.
Will there be a lactation chamber at the new Abortionplex?
hmm, diametrically opposed objectives? I think not.
Sounds like a tea bagger rhetorical set of options- tits or tractors. Since we know which they'd choose.
Leave it to Obama to come up with this crazy breast feeding idea! Didn't he ever hear of formula????
In related news, Tractor Supply is apparently still a thing that exists.
There is a Tractor Supply out here in West New Jerseystan, and it's a hoot. The ladies at the checkout counter refer to male customers as "darlin'" – as in "is that all ya be need'in taday darl'n…. Was there anything else you been look-in for, honey…"
If only we could find a way to prevent the private lives of employees to stop interferring with their duties… Hey, what if they DIDN'T have private lives! We wouldn't have to pay them too much either. Better yet? Why pay them at all!
The Tractor Supply I go to is generally out of what ever I want so I doubt they'd keep a lactation chamber supplied well enough to be used by anyone. And like myself most customers are older, mumbling agricultural type males who just want some parts, the latest fishing magazine, and a bag of peanuts.
This is my kind of a lactation chamber.
http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/20800000/K…
I hope the wife beats the shit out of him when he gets home tonight with her big, hairy, lactating breasts.
2,700 pages? That's 900 bills in Herman Cain-land. Unfortunately, they'd have to be issued in a very long series.
HB1: Because We Are
HB2: Librul Kenyan Communiss
HB3: And Blah Also
HB4: Lactation Chambers For
HB5: Everyone Or Else.
Forget lactation chambers. Where are the death panels? We were promised death panels. I have my list of nominees and I've checked it twice. I'm ready. When do the death panels start?
I imagine the Obamacare death panels being some what like the French Revolutionary Tribunal. I have gleaned several nominees for judgment from these very pages of the Wonkette. Currently Karl Rove is at the top of my list. Suggestions anyone?
Karl Rove's Dad, with a time machine, in the Auditorium.
Don't we have to get the FEMA camps set up first? What the hell Obummer – get this shit rolling!
That was sleazy.
My lactation chamber was the electrical closet. Which worked great until some hapless electrician needed access.
Everyone says they want a lactation chamber, but when you start installing the web cams, all of the sudden they don't want it.
Alternatively, we could try to create a culture / workplace environments where breastfeeding isn't some sort of indecent act that must be conducted in secret, thus saving capitalists the trouble of building boob-gulags.
Or we could just keep the ladies in the kitchen, barefoot, making chicken pot-pies, hiding the shame that is their nipples from the rest of the world, like American Jesus intended.
In Soviet Russia, breasts milk you!
Hopefully the lactation chambers are from real breast milk…?
My first child was born when I still lived in the States and my boss, who I continue to work for up here, encouraged me to bring my child to work with me. For six months, my son spent time in my office and could nurse as much as he needed, often while sitting on my lap while I typed on my computer. Not for nothing, my company is very small and all women.
When I started pumping later, I just did it at my desk.
Cost to my employer, $0.
Next they will demand a working toilet in every store. Where will it all end?
Stemberg does not realize that he basically proved the point that most of the "99%" folks were trying to make. Because to say that someone that would say stuff that stupid someone earned their position defies logic.
As a dispensary of hideously overpriced printer ink, Staples pays me $2 for every empty cartridge I bring to them. The fact that I paid $1.89 for it on eBay, when it was filled with ink, makes this the highlight of my day.
Also those $9/hr Tractor Supply jobs will be the very springboard of the 21st century middle class, so God forbid we endanger any of those.
Never been inside a Tractor Supply Store; from now on it's ditto for Staples.
Lord, next the damned employees will be wanting sanitary restroom facilities! Off with their heads!
Their music hath charms to stir the savage breast.
So it doesn't nip ya.
I saw Lactation Chamber Orchestra when they opened for Squeeze.
True story, I saw the Hooters open for Squeeze in '85. The tickets and marquee said:
"SQUEEZE
the hooters."
That's marvelous.
Comments on this entry are closed.