fantasies spun of gold

Michele Bachmann: America Passed Up ‘Perfect Candidate’ Michele Bachmann

VENGEANCE IS MINE!What can America ever do to make it up to Michele Bachmann? She gave up the ghost on her presidential aspirations (THIS TIME) after voters in Iowa ditched her for a robot, a frog, a sweater vest, and a belt with an onion tied to it. Wouldn’t you take this insult to your grave? Bachmann certainly intends to, sure as you’re born, since by her own admission, “America had their chance with the perfect candidate,” i.e., Michele Bachmann.

Oh, you marvelous pile of hair! Keep doing this, please. And when the reporter follows up with “Who is the more conservative of these four candidates left?”, always INSTANTLY respond, “I was. I was the perfect candidate.” And be sure to remind everyone that this is how you are “remaining above the fray” of the “more than acceptable” candidates you are currently refusing to endorse. Perfect! [The Hill/Bloomberg]

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    1. freakishlywrong

      What's god going to tell her to do next
      If there were one; tell her not to run for Congress again and spare us all.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        God told her and Rick Perry to run in the first place. I think we're talking Old Testament God here, with all the wrath.

        1. SorosBot

          It was a nice practical joke, like the one god played on Job; only Bachmann and Perry deserve to be fucked with.

      1. JustPixelz

        The Disney World of her mind. Where she is president of everything. And the mean girl falls in the swimming pool after the coolest boy in school tells her "You're such a loser", then turns to Michele and says "You're the one I want."

        And at the same time, the funny gay boy who always wears a hat to class says "You're the one I want, you're the one I want" to the cool boy. Michele bites her lip. Then realizes she can make everyone unhappy. "Marry me, Marcus" she says. "And take off that hat," she adds.

    2. widestanceshakedown

      Relax, girl. The race is over. Have a drink with that migraine med. Have another. Of each. And another. . .

  1. memzilla

    We will now entertain suggestions for the modifier to be inserted after the word "perfect," e.g.:

    "Michele Bachmann was the perfect ______________ candidate."

    I nominate "bat-s**t crazy."

    1. freakishlywrong

      "Republican", because, let's face it, they've gone off the deep end and she was waiting for them at the bottom.

  2. comptoneffect

    "I was. I was the perfect candidate." Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'perfect' that I wasn't previously aware.

    1. paris biltong

      Also strange is her use of the collective plural for "America". Like the Brits do for sport teams ("England have their work cut out of them"). A bit elitist, IMO.

    2. SorosBot

      Well the thought of what would have happened if she had become president put me in the perfect tense.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Can't wait until after the November election and the President is re-elected, to see these wingnuts pointing fingers at each other, claiming that THEY were the one that should of gotten the nomination, but the voters were too stupid to see it.

    4. BarryOPotter

      Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'perfect' that I wasn't previously aware.

      Yes it is: an aphasic one…

  3. SorosBot

    Well she has the most perfectly oversized ego that's for sure. And hey, she had god's endorsement, he told her so!

    1. BarryOPotter

      Which only raises the question: Did the numinous voice tell her to run so that she could clearly show the country what an invidious loon she is? Because, if so… Success!

  4. Negropolis

    We all know that America is crazy, Michele, but surely you didn't truly believe that we were your particular flavor of crazy, did you?

  5. starfanglednut

    "It's alright Michele" said the hospital director in a soothing voice, "We'll put you in the ward with all the other perfect presidential candidates, you'll have lots of company".

  6. qwerty42

    It's the voices. The voices are telling her to remind all Americans of what they had a chance to have. That they rejected her will only stoke the great wrath and furious anger of a kind, loving, and merciful deity. Or something like that. I'm sure wrath is involved. Voices, too.

  7. freakishlywrong

    Considering the country has overwhelmingly rejected "conservatism", save the 26% that, per Republic math, are the majority, I'm getting a giggle out all these assclowns out-conservitating one another. A true race to the bottom.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Amazing that after the crushing defeats of 2006 and 2008, they figured that the problem was that they weren't far enough to the right.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      The bartender says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!"
      Confused, Norm Coleman says "The Blue Wave?"
      The bartender says, "No….not you!"
      Pawlenty says, "The Zombie?"
      The bartender says, "No, not you!"
      Bachmann, confused, says, "The Red Hot Mama?"
      "No," says the bartender. "The One Cheek Sneak!" and points to Marcus standing behind them.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh Dog, I read some of that Bloomberg transcript and now I have an urge to eat glass and bark at the moon. Her thought process is truly random. Little tiny electro-impulses bouncing around in a neuron wasteland of alleged facts from the internet and scrambled bible quotes. The horror!

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Dear Michelle,

    It's not you. It's me. I don't feel I can commit the time and energy to our relationship. I think that it is best we go our separate ways.


    US America

    PS: It's really you.

  10. BlueStateLibel

    OK, Blanche, whatever you say. That wealthy gentleman will soon be here to take you on that fabulous trip to the Caribbean, make sure to pack your tiara.

  11. fartknocker

    She's a graduate of Oral Roberts University. And she's batshit crazy. I'm hoping her journey into political relevance stays in Minnesota and fades to level of obscurity the Tundra Twat of Wasilla is undergoing.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      As a resident of Minnesota I object to your wishes. How about we send her to Alaska, Texas or Somalia?

    1. Steverino247

      Dude, you should have blocked the Prussians and gone after Wellington. You know he wanted to bug out for the coast. But nooooo, you had to give him time to collect himself.

  12. widestanceshakedown

    Dear Michele,

    What I meant was for you to be a ONE. TERM. CANDIDATE. Because you stupid. And crazy.


    1. Fare la Volpe

      I'm not even into vadge, but I'd totally do Shelly just for all the fucked up stories I could tell my buddies the next day over a beer and a rabies shot.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    The whole she-President dreamscape no longer becomes you or your ambitions, Michele.
    You need to take a page from your proto-model Susan Lucci a.k.a. Erica Kane the soap opera diva who not only resembles you in posture and poise on her own bio book cover, but who fought her aging persona and transcended stereotypes and just plain outlived the soap genre itself. You also, Michele, can have a doll created for you, and even be labeled a feminist icon — an adoring fan base is all you need to put behind collective memory your past displays of public ignominy and remind these folks how much they love to prop up an underdog in this sick sad world.

  14. Chichikovovich

    You could actually get a fundamental argument that Michele exists from her claims, following the model of the St. Anselm/Descartes ontological argument. Except that in Michele's case, her existence is an imperfection.

  15. chicken_thief

    What's with the blingee? Lou Sarah is going to sue since she is the only the Lawd told me to run candidate who has also known, in the Biblical sense, a blah man. No way can One L get similar cred without walking the walk.

  16. swordfis

    I never thought I'd say this but–given the Mussolinism of Newt, the Spanish Inquisitionism of Santorum, the swastika-pattern of Paul's support, and the Golden-Calfness of Mittens, Michelle actually seems like the most human of the pack. It's true she's batshit crazy and should never be allowed near the levers of power, but she does seem to love children, and the others only love their flavor.

      1. BZ1

        Don't forget "9-9-9" hands all over you Cain, or Buddy, get a job- Rohmer or Gary who has a Johnson Johnson… or where the heck am I? TeePaw or now, the prospect of Teebow, the chosen one…

  17. Beowoof

    Michele charging up the stairs at her house with a Teddy Roosevelt hat and sword seems like a daily happening.

  18. Negropolis

    Michele can not believe that you didn't hear the voices in her head. How could you not hear the voices in her head? You are all heathens to her; your faith is weak. You don't deserve her.

    Michele, imma let you finish, but Joan of Arc had the best fevered dreams evah.

    1. Negropolis

      In all honesty shouldn't Brinker resign, too? I know this is her baby, but she allowed this. I can't trust Republicans, I'm sorry, and she's still tied too closely to that party for my liking.

  19. ManchuCandidate

    She just spouts the words "I'm a leader"
    in any company
    yes, to tell you shes sane now
    after you see her act crazily

    She pops those pills like so much popcorn, now
    spreads those lies around —
    yeah she gives a smile when the migraine comes
    the migraines gonna make everything alright

    She says she talks to Jehovah
    He calls her out by her name
    oo yeah she talks to Jehovah
    says he call her out by her name

  20. DemonicRage

    When the Israel-Iran-Syria nuclear exchange is over, she can be President of Midcontinent Deep Fallout Zone 8.

  21. Negropolis


    America, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.

    You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, America.

  22. LiveToServeYa

    Sorry, Michele, but America's just not ready for you. Give it a couple of decades or centuries or so and Thunderdome will welcome with open arms.

  23. Slim_Pickins

    I'm developing a theory that conservatism as practiced in the US is a mental illness. Michele is perhaps the leading example of a clinical case of this disease.

  24. Eve8Apples

    This is the only time I find myself agreeing with The Crazy One 100%. She is the perfect candidate to represent the modern Tea Party dominated GOP. She cares nothing about history, facts or science. She makes up information to support her goofy ideas. She is narcissistic, racist, intolerant of other religions and political viewpoints. She is shiny, cotton candy – physically attractive, but intellectually and spiritually shallow. That is the modern GOP in a nutshell – emphasis on the "nut."

  25. Puffperney

    "I could have told you Michelle.
    This world was never meant for one…
    …as beautiful as you."

    ….with apologies to Don McLean and Vincent.

  26. chicken_thief

    Michele, look me in the eye and tell me you are serious. Michele, THIS EYE!… dammit, over HERE…. ferchristsakes, THIS eye, bitch!!!… oh, never mind…

  27. labman57

    Bachmann says that she was the "perfect candidate". She also believes that the Colts were the best team in the NFL this past season.

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