FANTASIES SPUN OF GOLD  9:50 am February 7, 2012

Michele Bachmann: America Passed Up ‘Perfect Candidate’ Michele Bachmann

by Kaia Mursi

VENGEANCE IS MINE!What can America ever do to make it up to Michele Bachmann? She gave up the ghost on her presidential aspirations (THIS TIME) after voters in Iowa ditched her for a robot, a frog, a sweater vest, and a belt with an onion tied to it. Wouldn’t you take this insult to your grave? Bachmann certainly intends to, sure as you’re born, since by her own admission, “America had their chance with the perfect candidate,” i.e., Michele Bachmann.

Oh, you marvelous pile of hair! Keep doing this, please. And when the reporter follows up with “Who is the more conservative of these four candidates left?”, always INSTANTLY respond, “I was. I was the perfect candidate.” And be sure to remind everyone that this is how you are “remaining above the fray” of the “more than acceptable” candidates you are currently refusing to endorse. Perfect! [The Hill/Bloomberg]

 
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{ 145 comments }

ChernobylSoup February 7, 2012 at 9:53 am

What's god going to tell her to do next?

Terry February 7, 2012 at 10:00 am

To go clothes shopping with her husband.

freakishlywrong February 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

What's god going to tell her to do next
If there were one; tell her not to run for Congress again and spare us all.

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

God told her and Rick Perry to run in the first place. I think we're talking Old Testament God here, with all the wrath.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

It was a nice practical joke, like the one god played on Job; only Bachmann and Perry deserve to be fucked with.

memzilla February 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

Take a flying f**k at a rolling donut? Take a long walk off a short pier?

elviouslyqueer February 7, 2012 at 10:20 am

Go to Disney World?

JustPixelz February 7, 2012 at 10:58 am

The Disney World of her mind. Where she is president of everything. And the mean girl falls in the swimming pool after the coolest boy in school tells her "You're such a loser", then turns to Michele and says "You're the one I want."

And at the same time, the funny gay boy who always wears a hat to class says "You're the one I want, you're the one I want" to the cool boy. Michele bites her lip. Then realizes she can make everyone unhappy. "Marry me, Marcus" she says. "And take off that hat," she adds.

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

Relax, girl. The race is over. Have a drink with that migraine med. Have another. Of each. And another. . .

ManchuCandidate February 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

Peak into Marcus' "special" closet.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

Buy incandescent light bulbs.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:40 am

Something involving Jodie Foster and the president, I'm almost sure.

memzilla February 7, 2012 at 9:54 am

We will now entertain suggestions for the modifier to be inserted after the word "perfect," e.g.:

"Michele Bachmann was the perfect ______________ candidate."

I nominate "bat-s**t crazy."

smitallica February 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

ly insane

starfanglednut February 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

Michele mad libs!

KeepFnThatChicken February 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

Christian

freakishlywrong February 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

"Republican", because, let's face it, they've gone off the deep end and she was waiting for them at the bottom.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

"Wonkette"

It was more fun when she was still in there, staring off into the distance.

Although this headline from the WaPoop is amusing:

Romney tries to beat back possible Santorum surge in trio of states
~

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 10:10 am

Hitler! Wait, what was the question?

ThundercatHo February 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

brain transplant

Ramon X February 7, 2012 at 10:21 am

whoopey whoopey arg arg arg wowsa woof woof fern tippy hew haw

smitallica February 7, 2012 at 9:55 am

Oh be quiet, you cunt.

BarackMyWorld February 7, 2012 at 9:55 am

I guess her bromance with Santorum is over.

KeepFnThatChicken February 7, 2012 at 10:00 am

…and Marcus can go back to business, "curing gays."

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

With his patented dry hump happy ending therapy!

elviouslyqueer February 7, 2012 at 9:57 am

Insane flapping vagina says what now?

Chillwillard February 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

Shelley, I don't think America is ready for that kind of perfection yet.

elviouslyqueer February 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

I don't think we're ready for that Shelley.

/Fixed, with added sexytime

comptoneffect February 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

"I was. I was the perfect candidate." Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'perfect' that I wasn't previously aware.

GunToting[Redacted] February 7, 2012 at 10:29 am

This word you keep using… I do not think it means what you think it means.

paris biltong February 7, 2012 at 10:51 am

Also strange is her use of the collective plural for "America". Like the Brits do for sport teams ("England have their work cut out of them"). A bit elitist, IMO.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 10:54 am

Well the thought of what would have happened if she had become president put me in the perfect tense.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Can't wait until after the November election and the President is re-elected, to see these wingnuts pointing fingers at each other, claiming that THEY were the one that should of gotten the nomination, but the voters were too stupid to see it.

BarryOPotter February 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'perfect' that I wasn't previously aware.

Yes it is: an aphasic one…

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

She would make a good cat lady but then, I like cats and would not wish her upon them.

starfanglednut February 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

She meant to say 'beard". "I was the perfect beard"

KeepFnThatChicken February 7, 2012 at 9:59 am

(Crazy) eye of the beholder.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 9:59 am

Well she has the most perfectly oversized ego that's for sure. And hey, she had god's endorsement, he told her so!

BarryOPotter February 7, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Which only raises the question: Did the numinous voice tell her to run so that she could clearly show the country what an invidious loon she is? Because, if so… Success!

facehead February 7, 2012 at 10:00 am

Don't worry Michele, you can be Queen of the Lunar Colony.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

We all know that America is crazy, Michele, but surely you didn't truly believe that we were your particular flavor of crazy, did you?

starfanglednut February 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

"It's alright Michele" said the hospital director in a soothing voice, "We'll put you in the ward with all the other perfect presidential candidates, you'll have lots of company".

ph7 February 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

And Marcus was the perfect candy date.

qwerty42 February 7, 2012 at 10:02 am

It's the voices. The voices are telling her to remind all Americans of what they had a chance to have. That they rejected her will only stoke the great wrath and furious anger of a kind, loving, and merciful deity. Or something like that. I'm sure wrath is involved. Voices, too.

DerrickWildcat February 7, 2012 at 10:02 am

6th in Iowa: Number 1 in our hearts.

ThundercatHo February 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

Santorum is Number 2.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 10:34 am

All over Marcus.

chascates February 7, 2012 at 10:03 am

Newt's perfect Ambassador to the Moon.

jus_wonderin February 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

And it's a twofer. Marcus: Ambassador to Uranus.

freakishlywrong February 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

Considering the country has overwhelmingly rejected "conservatism", save the 26% that, per Republic math, are the majority, I'm getting a giggle out all these assclowns out-conservitating one another. A true race to the bottom.

GOPCrusher February 7, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Amazing that after the crushing defeats of 2006 and 2008, they figured that the problem was that they weren't far enough to the right.

neiltheblaze February 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

Oh, grow up Shelly. Nobody wants what you're selling. Figure it the fuck out.

OneYieldRegular February 7, 2012 at 10:05 am

"I'm still big! It's the campaigns that got small."

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr Ailes."

KeepFnThatChicken February 7, 2012 at 10:09 am

…fucking corn dogs.

qwerty42 February 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
HistoriCat February 7, 2012 at 10:51 am

Nobody walks out on a star perfect candidate!

slithytoves February 7, 2012 at 10:06 am

Finally a perfect use of irony by a Republican!

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 10:06 am

Needs moar Whitney Houston.
Miche1e found the greatest love of all, inside her Savior own bad self.

jus_wonderin February 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

I'm havin' a seizure. A tropical seizure.

Generation[redacted] February 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

Like we used to say in physics class, only a vacuum can be perfect.

Barrelhse February 7, 2012 at 10:08 am

America, you FOOLS!!!

Guppy February 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

Silly woman! Vaginas can't be conservative!

north_of_moscow February 7, 2012 at 10:13 am

Every wedding has that one drunk bridesmaid…

sharethegrief February 7, 2012 at 10:29 am

Marcus???

HempDogbane February 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

Bachmann, Pawlenty and Norm Coleman walked into a bar…

freakishlywrong February 7, 2012 at 10:41 am

I walked out.

BarackMyWorld February 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

The bartender says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!"
Confused, Norm Coleman says "The Blue Wave?"
The bartender says, "No….not you!"
Pawlenty says, "The Zombie?"
The bartender says, "No, not you!"
Bachmann, confused, says, "The Red Hot Mama?"
"No," says the bartender. "The One Cheek Sneak!" and points to Marcus standing behind them.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

…and I, I locked the door from the outside.

Steverino247 February 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

Three baby seals walk into a club…

bagofmice February 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Bachmann and Pawlenty ducked out while Coleman was on his third hour of splitting the check?

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

Oh Dog, I read some of that Bloomberg transcript and now I have an urge to eat glass and bark at the moon. Her thought process is truly random. Little tiny electro-impulses bouncing around in a neuron wasteland of alleged facts from the internet and scrambled bible quotes. The horror!

hagajim February 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

Crazy is as crazy does.

donner_froh February 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

With all the craziness that is available for the Republicans, MIchele claiming she has the perfect insanity goes too far.

CapeClod February 7, 2012 at 10:17 am

"Perfect" candidates don't logically imply that the voters are all idiots.

ManchuCandidate February 7, 2012 at 10:18 am

Dear Michelle,

It's not you. It's me. I don't feel I can commit the time and energy to our relationship. I think that it is best we go our separate ways.

Regards,

US America

PS: It's really you.

BlueStateLibel February 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

OK, Blanche, whatever you say. That wealthy gentleman will soon be here to take you on that fabulous trip to the Caribbean, make sure to pack your tiara.

fartknocker February 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

She's a graduate of Oral Roberts University. And she's batshit crazy. I'm hoping her journey into political relevance stays in Minnesota and fades to level of obscurity the Tundra Twat of Wasilla is undergoing.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 7, 2012 at 10:37 am

As a resident of Minnesota I object to your wishes. How about we send her to Alaska, Texas or Somalia?

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

Hasn't Somalia suffered enough?

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

And I'm Napoleon fuckin' Bonaparte — shut up.

Steverino247 February 7, 2012 at 11:25 am

Dude, you should have blocked the Prussians and gone after Wellington. You know he wanted to bug out for the coast. But nooooo, you had to give him time to collect himself.

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 10:21 am

Dear Michele,

What I meant was for you to be a ONE. TERM. CANDIDATE. Because you stupid. And crazy.

God

donner_froh February 7, 2012 at 10:21 am

The reporter would have gotten another comment but Michele had to hide from a pack of Lesbians.

BZ1 February 7, 2012 at 10:22 am

I swear, you can't kill them, even with a stake to the heart…

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2012 at 10:22 am

You know who else was the perfect conservative candidate?

widestanceshakedown February 7, 2012 at 10:30 am

"None of them," says Michele.

ManchuCandidate February 7, 2012 at 10:31 am

John McCain!

Blueb4sunrise February 7, 2012 at 10:35 am

Barry……………uh………..Goldwater.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 10:43 am

Pat Buchanan?

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

Winston Churchill?

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 11:05 am

Fred Thompson!

littlebigdaddy February 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Barack Obama?

HarryButtle February 7, 2012 at 6:26 pm

David Duke?

BarackMyWorld February 7, 2012 at 10:23 am
Dashboard Buddha February 7, 2012 at 10:31 am

That's the picture One-L uses to get Marcus hot.

(psst…it doesn't work)

Chichikovovich February 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

If you're going to post a link like that, make sure you warn us with a biohazard sign.

Blueb4sunrise February 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

I find this photo difficult to………eh……what the hell………

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2012 at 10:50 am

I'm not even into vadge, but I'd totally do Shelly just for all the fucked up stories I could tell my buddies the next day over a beer and a rabies shot.

MissTaken February 7, 2012 at 11:56 am

She'd be okay with that since she has never been with a man who is into vadge.

BarackMyWorld February 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

Mumbletypeg February 7, 2012 at 10:26 am

The whole she-President dreamscape no longer becomes you or your ambitions, Michele.
You need to take a page from your proto-model Susan Lucci a.k.a. Erica Kane the soap opera diva who not only resembles you in posture and poise on her own bio book cover, but who fought her aging persona and transcended stereotypes and just plain outlived the soap genre itself. You also, Michele, can have a doll created for you, and even be labeled a feminist icon — an adoring fan base is all you need to put behind collective memory your past displays of public ignominy and remind these folks how much they love to prop up an underdog in this sick sad world.

OneDollarJuana February 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

Michele is "perfect" and Marcus is "super"!

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 10:46 am
Chichikovovich February 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

You could actually get a fundamental argument that Michele exists from her claims, following the model of the St. Anselm/Descartes ontological argument. Except that in Michele's case, her existence is an imperfection.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 10:31 am

What's with the blingee? Lou Sarah is going to sue since she is the only the Lawd told me to run candidate who has also known, in the Biblical sense, a blah man. No way can One L get similar cred without walking the walk.

swordfis February 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

I never thought I'd say this but–given the Mussolinism of Newt, the Spanish Inquisitionism of Santorum, the swastika-pattern of Paul's support, and the Golden-Calfness of Mittens, Michelle actually seems like the most human of the pack. It's true she's batshit crazy and should never be allowed near the levers of power, but she does seem to love children, and the others only love their flavor.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 10:35 am

Jerry Sandusky loves children, too.

Bachmann/Sandusky 2012!!!

BZ1 February 7, 2012 at 11:19 am

Don't forget "9-9-9" hands all over you Cain, or Buddy, get a job- Rohmer or Gary who has a Johnson Johnson… or where the heck am I? TeePaw or now, the prospect of Teebow, the chosen one…

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 10:35 am

Yes, but is America ready for a White House with TWO First Ladies in residence? I think not.

BarackMyWorld February 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

Wouldn't it still just be president and first lady?

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 11:09 am

Yes. but the etiquette! I mean, who would get off first, of AF One, I mean.

Beowoof February 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

Michele charging up the stairs at her house with a Teddy Roosevelt hat and sword seems like a daily happening.

hollywooddood February 7, 2012 at 10:36 am

We had the perfect chance and we blew it. Shit.

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

Speaking as an internet comedian, I can tell you that there's a Michele-sized hole in my heart.

Rosie_Scenario February 7, 2012 at 10:37 am

Michele may be perfect, but Marcus is FABULOUS.

actor212 February 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

She didn't even win Miss Congeniality!!!!

LEAVE MICKEY MOUSE BACHMANN ALOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

Michele can not believe that you didn't hear the voices in her head. How could you not hear the voices in her head? You are all heathens to her; your faith is weak. You don't deserve her.

Michele, imma let you finish, but Joan of Arc had the best fevered dreams evah.

Limeylizzie February 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

OT but that hideous Karen Handel just resigned from Susan G Komen.

SorosBot February 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

Yay! Now what about Ari Fleisher?

Fare la Volpe February 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

Ding dong, the bitch is dead!

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:57 am

In all honesty shouldn't Brinker resign, too? I know this is her baby, but she allowed this. I can't trust Republicans, I'm sorry, and she's still tied too closely to that party for my liking.

sharethegrief February 7, 2012 at 11:09 am

Don't be sorry. Brinker lost sight of her mission years ago.

BZ1 February 7, 2012 at 11:26 am

On her contemptuous resignation letter, cry me a freaking river, Karen

kissawookiee February 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

Her thought processes make perfect sense to me. At least until the mescaline wears off.

ManchuCandidate February 7, 2012 at 10:44 am

She just spouts the words "I'm a leader"
in any company
yes, to tell you shes sane now
after you see her act crazily

She pops those pills like so much popcorn, now
spreads those lies around —
yeah she gives a smile when the migraine comes
the migraines gonna make everything alright

She says she talks to Jehovah
He calls her out by her name
oo yeah she talks to Jehovah
says he call her out by her name

DemonicRage February 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

When the Israel-Iran-Syria nuclear exchange is over, she can be President of Midcontinent Deep Fallout Zone 8.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 10:51 am

Michele:

America, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You shoulda taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them dives for the short-end money.

You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, America.

SayItWithWookies February 7, 2012 at 11:13 am

Like another perfect candidate of yore.

Shelley Bachmann, she has caught it —
caught the Whangdepootenawah!

LiveToServeYa February 7, 2012 at 11:16 am

Sorry, Michele, but America's just not ready for you. Give it a couple of decades or centuries or so and Thunderdome will welcome with open arms.

Maman February 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

Can we dial back her meds? She seems to have a seratonin overload

Slim_Pickins February 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

I'm developing a theory that conservatism as practiced in the US is a mental illness. Michele is perhaps the leading example of a clinical case of this disease.

Biff February 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Not to put the cart before the horse, but I think Miche1e is the symptom; her followers are the disease.

Eve8Apples February 7, 2012 at 11:32 am

This is the only time I find myself agreeing with The Crazy One 100%. She is the perfect candidate to represent the modern Tea Party dominated GOP. She cares nothing about history, facts or science. She makes up information to support her goofy ideas. She is narcissistic, racist, intolerant of other religions and political viewpoints. She is shiny, cotton candy – physically attractive, but intellectually and spiritually shallow. That is the modern GOP in a nutshell – emphasis on the "nut."

Puffperney February 7, 2012 at 11:41 am

"I could have told you Michelle.
This world was never meant for one…
…as beautiful as you."

….with apologies to Don McLean and Vincent.

Steverino247 February 7, 2012 at 11:45 am

Speaking of perfect, has anyone heard how Barb did with the surgery? I hope all is well.

ghblowhard February 7, 2012 at 11:46 am

kudos for using you're instead of your

Redhead February 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Hey Colbert – your next write-in campaign should be for Michelle Bachman!

johnnymeatworth February 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

If by "perfect" you mean "less witchy than Christine O'Donnell," then sure.

chicken_thief February 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Michele, look me in the eye and tell me you are serious. Michele, THIS EYE!… dammit, over HERE…. ferchristsakes, THIS eye, bitch!!!… oh, never mind…

Tommy1733 February 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Where have we failed that someone like Michelle Bachmann can be an elected representative?

littlebigdaddy February 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

She's been having long conversations with Mr. Llama again.

Data Exactly February 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

So crazy eyes really did have them crazy eyes set on the election?!?!

fuflans February 7, 2012 at 11:14 pm

well i don't know about all of you, but, yeah, i passed her up.

labman57 February 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Bachmann says that she was the "perfect candidate". She also believes that the Colts were the best team in the NFL this past season.

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