Oh to be a real nerd.

The number one reason nobody likes pedantic swamp bubble Newt Gingrich is because of all the horrible things they are reading about him on his Wikipedia page, obviously. Why else would Newt campaign spokesman Joe DeSantis spend so much time glued to his computer belaboring minor edits to Newt and Callista’s Wikipedia entries that even CNN finally bothered to notice and make fun of it?

This should fix Newt’s horrifying favorability ratings, sure:

Wikipedia records show DeSantis has made over 60 adjustments to entries in the online, publicly-edited encyclopedia to the biographical entry on Gingrich, the similar page on his wife, Callista, and a separate page on one of their books, Rediscovering Good in America.

DeSantis has actively lobbied for changes to the articles since mid-December in a discussion forum called “Talk” on the site, and previously from May to June of last year, though his most recent direct edit to the site was in June of 2011.

Oh, so he doesn’t even make edits on the site anymore. DeSantis just lurks around Wikipedia crafting tomes to lobby for the revision of some completely trivial detail, like this complaint thread from today that we spotted in three seconds of looking over the Wikipedia Talk page for Callista Gingrich:

Several recent changes to this article concern me, and there are two in particular from the “Personal life” section. Recently, someone has added this sentence:

In 2002, Newt Gingrich asked the Catholic Arch Diocese in Atlanta to annul the 19-year marriage to Marianne on the basis that she had been previously divorced.

This detail is not about Callista Gingrich and does not belong here. I would respectfully like to ask for another editor to remove it from this page.

Second, in this edit the clause “a lifelong Roman Catholic” referring to Callista was moved from the end of the paragraph to the beginning. This previously was included in a sentence about her role in Newt’s version to Catholicism, where it is relevant. It is now used in a sentence about Newt’s divorce proceedings, where it seems intented to depict her in an unfavorable light. I would like to ask that the previous version be restored. Thank you. Joe DeSantis Communications Director, Gingrich 2012 (talk) 16:09, 6 February 2012 (UTC)

Oh well, sounds like DeSantis can always get a job later with the team of self-appointed wingnuts who keep Wikipedia’s American history sections up to date with Sarah Palin’s constant errors. [CNN]

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  • memzilla

    Wow, where can I get a high-paying jerb doing nothing but editing some politician's wiki page?

    More satisfyingly, I bet the guy who edits Mitt Rmoney's wiki page makes ten times more munniez than DeSantis.

    [Anagrams of "Joe DeSantis" include No Aides Jest and (apropos of Newt "I Need Two Bathrooms" Gingrich), Joined Seats.]

    • paris biltong

      Only an anagram buff or bad typist would come up with Rmoney. Mitts 'R Money.

    • Mahousu

      Didn't Gingrich go through a long period of not paying his aides last year (at which point most jumped ship)? Which would mean DeSantis was doing a lot of this quibbling for free.

      Perhaps we should introduce him to Intense Debate. And, no doubt, shortly after to the banhammer.

  • Sparky MacGyver

    I'm sure they somehow think this will make people think better of Newt. But it doesn't matter what the wikipedia page says: as soon as Newt opens his mouth, everyone can clearly see that he's a shitbag.

    • chicken_thief

      Fundamentally and profoundly!

  • Sounds like re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

    • CapnFatback

      Well, since DeSantis is accused of "fiddling," I'm getting more of a Nero/Rome vibe.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Slim Pickens making some last minute edits to the "Hi there!" written on the bomb he's riding.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      No, no, on the Hindenberg (thank you, Stephen).

  • Larry McAwful

    How does Newter find the time both to campaign for president AND write and draw the political cartoons in The Onion? The mind reels.

  • Oddly enough, when one is not a total scumbag, they do not have to worry about nonsense like people bringing up all the wives they have replaced once they get seriously ill.

  • i was wondering why there was a picture of Paul Newman on his page

  • orygoon

    "Newt's version of Catholicism".

    I've heard of cafeteria Catholics, but only the truly grandiose have their very own version.

    • Larry McAwful

      Are you suggesting that Pope Newton I's version in this schism isn't the true leader of the Church? Don't tell me you follow that heretic Pope Rick I!

    • Guppy

      Oh, he's "grandiose" alright…

      • Crank_Tango

        Grandiose is spanish for "morbidly obese," isn't it?

    • Negropolis

      Opus Dei libel!

    • tessiee

      Mel Gibson, and Newt?

    • BearNoLike

      Reformation = mangirdle, prolly

    • Cafeteria? Newt's version is an all-you-can-eat buffet with Mongolian Grill and crab legs on weekends Catholicism.

    • not that Dewey

      "Holy Trinity" is not meant to refer to chins or wives.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Third, I would like to edit the quote; "Sheldon and I had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls." It was three bags of grass.

    Thank you. Joe DeSantis Communications Director, Gingrich 2012 (talk) 16:09, 6 February 2012 (UTC)

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      As your communications director, I advise you to take a hit from the little brown bottle in my shaving kit.

      • We were on the edge of Iowa when the drugs started to take hold…

        • valgal2342

          "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die. "

          • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            We can't stop here! This is Black country!

          • NellCote71

            Blah country?

          • horsedreamer_1

            Dr. Gonzo was Mexican, though described as Samoan, so — close enough.

    • C_R_Eature


      You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim decent Presidential candidate to work for.

      Thank you. Joe DeSantis Communications Director, Gingrich 2012 (talk) 16:09, 6 February 2012 (UTC)

  • BZ1

    Newt: definition of a slimy creature, no amount of Febreeze will help

  • BarackMyWorld

    Joe DeSantis has removed or asked to remove factual references to Gingrich's three marriages as well as mentions of ethics charges brought against him while he served as speaker of the House.


  • bumfug

    So how does he spin "blow job queen"?

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Trailer hitch chromium abatement specialist.

      • bumfug

        You have a real real future in government.

    • Negropolis

      Very slowly?

      After all, wouldn't want to mess up the hairmet.

  • MissNancyPriss

    That photo…is…just….so….great

    • fuflans

      right? it has everything:

      the best in nerd wear
      the best in nerd ware
      wooden panelling in the basement.

      what is it?

  • Well Joe, stop fiddling with Newt's wiki or you'll go blind and get hairy palms.

    • plinthic

      Can't he just do it until he needs glasses?

  • BarackMyWorld

    You know…speaking of people who liked to re-write their own marital history and religious affiliations…if Henry VIII were alive today, I can't help but wonder horrific battles would be going on behind the scenes on his wikipedia entry. Newt's a fucking amateur compared to that guy.

    • PubOption

      If Newt had the heads of his ex-wives chopped off, he wouldn't have to worry about comments regarding 'open marriages'.

      • doloras

        Oh, to be fair, Fat Henry only did that twice out of six.

  • mavenmaven

    Hey, I lurk on the internet too and all I get are p-points.

  • "Pedantic swamp bubble" is all sorts of guffawing win.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Pedant, pederast, whatever.

  • Antispandex

    "…“a lifelong Roman Catholic” referring to Callista…"

    Me too, so I know what this means. Among other things, it means she doesn't believe in divorce.

    • Divorce bad? Adultery good? Not quite sure what parish she attends to get that set of priorities.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It's not Callista's fault — she was hoping Newt's second wife would take the open marriage option.

      • Negropolis

        Oh, so that's the "public option" that the libs are always going on about. Yeah, Newt could totally be down with the public option as packaged that way.

      • LiveToServeYa

        Well, perhaps she's a crypto-Mormon.

    • Or in previous divorce, apparently.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Because "foregiveness" is so retro….

  • "In the 1970s he taught history and geography at West Georgia College. During this period he mounted several …animals and inanimate objects, including Callista."

    • Extemporanus

      As I uncovered — and a crew of fearless Wonketteers subsequently confirmed — a couple weeks ago, the beastly truth about Newt Gingrich is even worse than anyone could've ever imagined.

      • BearNoLike

        Can't believe he just ate it afterwards. Ee-yecchh.

      • Nothingisamiss

        It really is surprising to me that, having raped and murdered a pony in the 80's, he never even bothered to deny it.

      • chicken_thief

        When is the lame stream media going to do its job and get to the bottom of this?!

  • ElPinche

    Besides grazing on corn dogs and pooping all over Iowa every four years, what did Newt do between 1999 and 2012 again?

    • tealsheart

      somewheres in there, he taste-tested his new wife options. We see who 'won', so the pickings must have been really off

    • He likes to "joke" about how Wife #3 will not let him have female staffers after Wife #2 and #3 both started out as staffers he was having sex with behind his then current wife's back. This probably explains the lack of activity.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Made offshore monies using Tiffanies as a laundromat…

  • Newt Is Teh Best
    by Joe "Unbiased" DeSantis

  • Guppy

    if there's anybody who knows about rewriting history, it's professional historian Newt Gingrich.

    • Pat Buchanan and Haley Barbour are tied for second place.

    • SorosBot

      And if there's anyone who knows about rewriting her own face, it's Callista.

  • Radiotherapy

    Newt wasn't thoroughly discredited in the late 90's and didn't grift his way through the last decade. He was viciously attacked by the secular left wing elitist media and the Republican establishment; he has earned an honest living working as a historian over the last few years.

    • Huevos Ocupados

      needz moar reagan

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        Who loved Newt like the son he never had.

        • Radiotherapy

          He loved Newt more than he was obsessed with Jane Wyman.

  • I won't be happy until Callista's page reveals the fact that the only sound she makes is 'meep!'

    • Biff

      If even that. Never heard a peep out of her!

    • tealsheart

      …that's the sound of her eyes blinking…

    • chicken_thief

      Newt swears she also makes a sound similar to a Dirt Devil Turbo Vac 3000 when promised a trip to Tiffany's.

    • doloras


  • AlterNewt

    Every day is a new day on Wikipedia.

  • fartknocker

    I've made contributions to the Wikipedia machine on a very obscure subjects of oxidizers and organic peroxides. I've also written a number checks to the Obama campaign. My wife has told me that if I turn into a fat fuck shitstain like Newt she'll kick me in my balls. So we both agreed that I will stick with the science of chemicals and to fuck with a history teacher from Georgia who is nothing more than a bloviating ass gasket who can only satisfy a woman with blood diamonds.

    I'm writing the check to the Obama Relection Campaign in the morning and dedicating it to my wife's favorite Wonkette women: Limeylizze and Barb.

    Who knew that Wikipedia and this election was so important to my life. Thank you Wonkette.

    • Limeylizzie

      On behalf of Barb, now enjoying pre-operation drugs I assume, and myself ,we thank you and Mrs. Fartknocker

    • Tundra Grifter

      Funny – Limeylizzie and Barb are also MY favorite women on Wonkette.

      Well, of course, there's also Jukesgrrl and PsycWench.

      And the original Wonkette. And Jessica Cutler…

  • Thanks for the constant Wikipedia pollution, Republitards.

  • Extemporanus

    "Coming up next on To Catch an Editor, we pay a surprise visit to Joe DeSantis, a Wikipedophile who attempted to inappropriately touch Newt Gingrich's entries."

  • Negropolis

    This is how you win the nomination!

    And, he wonders why Romeny is winning. lol Petty and bloated humanoid is petty and bloated.

  • SayItWithWookies

    "Additionally, in the article on welfare reform in the 1990s, there's a passage referring to Mr. Gingrich as a 'sanctimonious pigfucking hypocritical boor who fancies himself the genetic descendent of Merriwether Lewis, Parson Weems' George Washington, Solomon and John Holmes, and whose narcissistic appraisal of his historical significance would embarrass Nero.' Mr. Gingrich thinks of himself as more the protege of Ron Jeremy than Mr. Holmes."

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Who are you calling scruffy-looking?

  • Radiotherapy

    Remember those Calvin Klein ads that were banned because they were labeled as child porn because of the paneled backdrop? C'mon KBJ, don't get nailed for nerd porn with that pic. Just sayin' "What are you wearing?" "Short shorts." "What kind of computer do you have?" "A Franklin PC6000 based on the Intel 8088 running at 4.77 MHz. The PC6000 has 512K of RAM and a single floppy drive. And an Epson 3800 dot-matrix printer."

    • "and my floppy's not floppy if you catch my drift! *snort*"

    • Barrelhse

      What's he smoking, Newports?

    • MissTaken

      Quit making fun of my boyfriend!

      • SorosBot

        Hey, I may be nerdy but I'm not that nerdy!

        • HistoriCat

          On the internet, no one knows you're a dog debonair leading man type.

        • MissTaken

          Whatevs. We both know that's your Facebook profile pic!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Do you have a…hard drive?

    • fuflans

      holy shit i forgot about those ads.

      the funny thing is, compared to standard internet fare, they're positively hygenic.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender


    Since the protection was removed last week, there have been numerous instances of vandalism, some of which is currently visible on the page. Specifically, the last sentence of the introduction, "third wife" in the introduction, and the current "known for" section were added by unregistered and new editor accounts. I'd like to ask again that this vandalism undone. –Joe DeSantis Communications Director, Gingrich 2012 (talk) 03:07, 3 February 2012 (UTC)

    • not that Dewey

      I'd just like to say that I never, in any way, not even once, ever vandalized a Wikipedia page about Newt.

      • MoeDeLawn

        Nice work!

    • SorosBot

      How is adding accurate information like "third wife" "vandalism"?

  • tealsheart

    So in a few years, the current wifey can ask for a divorce on the basis that Newt was previously divorced…?

    • MissTaken

      Ha ha, no. A woman should feel lucky that a twice divorced fat fuck of a Newt would even look at them. However, her past is fair game and if she so much as gave a guy a kiss then she is a whore and can be divorced on the spot. She needs to understand the repercussions of her actions.


    • tessiee

      Yes; or on the basis that he's a fat, lardy, whiney, bloated pig boat with a limp weenie hidden in a nest of tangled white pubes.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I don't think so. As of now, in the eyes (and pocketbook) of the Church, Newt has only been married the one time, to Calistoga. Those other "marriages" were just hallucinations.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Newt has always been at war with Realitystan

    • but his closest ally continues to be Jowlistan.

    • flamingpdog

      And a long-time citizen of Pachystan.

    • BearNoLike

      Sure, when you're from Ass County of Reactionarybigotstan, whaddya gonna do?

    • Negropolis

      And, apparently, Pete Hoekstra has always been at war with East Asia.

      • Chichikovovich

        Funny, I could have sworn that back in the 80s, all the Republicans were at war with Eurasia. But now when I check I just find references to Reagan demanding that Zhao Ziyang tear down the Great Wall of China.

  • flamingpdog

    Soundz to me like every day is a new Newt day on Wikipedia.

  • flamingpdog

    Gingrich Spokesman Constantly Fiddling With Newt’s Wikipedia Page


  • Numbat_Dundee

    I will now proceed to edit his page myself.
    Let me see…
    His mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberry. He played Centre Half Forward for Collingwood in the Australian Football League until an unfortunate accident with a liniment dispenser in the changing rooms. He is a devout Buddhist and is only a Maoist on weekends. He married Callista under the misapprehension she was a heavenly body as he had always been an admirer of NASA.
    There, that should get him the nomination.

    • doloras

      Collingwood?!? That explains so much.

      (We're a happy team at Hawthorn.)

  • I don't understand why Gingrich is even using this librul, mooslim website. Does anyone use it anymore? Wasn't it founded by Joseph Goebels or something??? I thought people used Conservapedia or for factual information?

  • ttommyunger

    Hmmm. I've checked Newt's entries and still no reference to him as a "sweaty bloviating pantload." Let's get busy, Joe; accuracy is everything on the Wiki.

  • Who's heard how Barb and her uterus are doing?

    • Limeylizzie

      Barb and I are in email contact and she goes in for the operation on Wednesday and she said she will let me know how she is doing.

      • Thanks, Liz. You'll keep us posted?

        • Limeylizzie

          Yes, the operation is at 7.30 am and she said she will get out of there as soon as she can and email me soon thereafter.So, I will let the Wonketariat know how she is doing.

          • fartknocker

            Thank you for keeping us informed. Let us know if she needs anything. And thank you for being such a good friend and kind person to Barb.

          • ThundercatHo

            Can you send her all our good wishes and cosmic healing vibes? I'm sure we could take up a collection of leftover painkillers and mind altering substances if you'd like to do a care pkg.

          • Thanks, LL. Best regards from the Southern delegation as well.

  • Harry_S_Truman

    I read somewhere that DeSantis first got into this business when he heard that after the first mention of Callista, it read "…who bears a horrifying resemblance to a falcon."

    • PubOption

      Is she Maltese?

  • Chichikovovich

    So Newt asked for an annulment of his second marriage on the grounds that Marianne was previously married and divorced. Since he doesn't have that option with Callista, I'm looking forward to the day when he requests an annulment of marriage #3, to marry wife #4, on the grounds that he was previously married and divorced.

    • Are you suggesting, sir, that Former Speaker Gingrich would do anything to diminish the sanctity of traditional Roman Catholic open marriage?

    • Negropolis

      He could always go Anglican and go all King Henry VIII on her ass.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Um, would that be Self-Appointed King Newtery the Ith….?

      • Chichikovovich

        Well, Henry VIII tried the usual routes of bribery, political influence and military/economic pressure, to get the divorce from Katharine, and of course that had always worked with Popes in the past, so long as the petitioner had enough disposable loot, enough clout and enough resources and will to exert enough pressure. [He also had the advantage of having a pretty good case, since such annulments had OK scriptural support (he was marrying his late brother's ex-wife, after all (cf. Leviticus, normally Christian conservatives's favorite book, though Deuteronomy contradicted it) and the support of Canon law. Plus an excellent, learned advocate in Thomas Cranmer. Not that that mattered, Popes have always been flexible in the presence of enough gold/suasion/might, but it is always good to have a fig leaf.]

        But Henry had bad timing, since Clement VII was, at the time, essentially the prisoner of the (so-called) Holy Roman Emperor Charles, who was not going to let his Aunt Katharine get dumped by some English pigdog whose mother was a hamster and whose father smelt of elderberries.

        This of course has been elevated into a great triumph of moral principle by Catholic propagandists, in a package with the veneration of Thomas More, patron saint of wingnut legal institutes and enthusiastic Lutheran-burner.

        Newt is dealing with a Pope who isn't the prisoner of Callista's nephew, so the traditional gold and political clout should be enough, even without an army at Newt's disposal.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          I'd pay good money to watch a discussion of European history between "Historian" Gingrich and mathematico-logician Chichikovovitch.

  • He should leave the lying, distortions and cover-ups to the journalism professionals at Fox News.

  • The further N. Leroy Gingrich & Co.stays from anything to do with education or knowledge, the better off we all are.

  • I think it's very unfair, and undignified, to name a bill after two people who are dead and would not likely in a million gazillion years support your stupid bill if they weren't.
    But, with the universally accepted justification of "they started it" I humbly propose:

    The Ronald Reagan Soak the Rich Act, which sets taxes on a sliding scale according to however much the government needs to pay for schools, roads, universal education, universal healthcare, and whatever else is needed to maintain a modern civilization.

    The Herbert Hoover Universal Housing Act.

    The J. Edgar Hoover Transparency in Government Act.

    The Abraham Lincoln memorial Just Let the Fuckers Go, Already act

    • Barrelhse

      Act Up!

    • ThundercatHo

      The Anita Bryant Gay Marriage Act
      The Billy Graham Tax the Churches Act
      The Scott Roeder Free Abortions for Everyone Act

  • At last, some of those "bold new ideas" to rebuild American prosperity. In fact, to help out I've edited the Wikipedia entry for "The United States of America". First I deleted Dubya's presidency, which solved most of out problems. Then I removed Texas, Arizona and Oklahoma. Finally, I said the Patriots won the Superbowl.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I would love to applaud your addition of Gronk's catch in the end zone on that hail mary there at the end of the game, but since you deleted my state as well, all you will hear is the sound of no hands clapping. Dang.

    • ThundercatHo

      Next time you're there please remove the Raygun administration, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi (fuck it, just make it so the Confederacy was kept intact and renamed Zippitydodastan (thanks, Owls). Also, too, it would make my husband very happy if the Browns could win the Superbowl and the Indians take the World Series. Thx.

    • Toomush_Infer

      …and just once, could the Vikings be more than a bridesmaid….? thx….

    • Negropolis

      I was with you until the very last sentence, for I feast on the tears of a Bundchen.

    • sunmusing

      The voices in my head, ya know God and the rest of the wise ones, all whispered to me the Broncos are going to win it all next season. Or maybe he was just fucking with me, like he did with Miche1e and Ricky P. We devout and long suffering fans will now see to Timmy's pass throwing abilities. Amen.

  • I was worried that Mr. DeSantis had messed with the Gingrich entry in Dickipedia, so I checked.

    I was too late::

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Grasping for straws in the digital age.

  • Baconzgood

    This is the only page on Newt I read.

  • Negropolis

    OT: But Fiat's current ad on television has me all hot and bothered.

  • Terry

    They're working hard to give Callista the reputation of a "devout Catholic woman". I come from a long, long line of devout Catholic women (a few awesome heathens, too). Not a single one of those devout Catholic women carried on a six year affair with a married man. Over the years, woman who carries on a six year affair with a married man was more appropriately called a "floosie". Perhaps that should go in Callista's wiki page?

    • SorosBot

      If she really is a devout Catholic, I wonder how many rosaries Callista had to read each weekend to get forgiven for all that adultery.

      • Terry

        She'll need a whole convent fingering beads for her. She has some major issues with several of the deadly sins, too.

        • tessiee

          "She'll need a whole convent fingering beads for her."


  • ThundercatHo

    All that picture needs is a bag of Cheetos.

  • Tundra Grifter

    If DeSantis spent more time editing Ole Newt himself, in time Wikipedia would take care of itself.

    I wonder if those millions of phantom Twitter followers were his idea, as well?

  • not that Dewey

    This Republican presidential candidate and ex-Speaker of the House is a stub

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, the most active part of him is, anyway.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      [indictment needed]

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    Somewhat OT, but maybe not so much: Happy 200th Birthday to The Polar Opposite of Newt Gingrich in terms of talent, wit, and basic humanity. Dickens gave us Mr. Micawber, while Newt, that fan of orphanages, is simply macabre.

    Also nice: A discussion of Dickens' Influence on the English language.

  • smitallica

    When do I get to write the "Ran for President in 2012 and failed spectacularly because everyone on earth thinks he is an asshole" graph on Newt's Wikipedia page?

  • I would like someone to edit my college transcript and the detox admissions on my medical records. Can this kid do that?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Whatta Wikipidiot.

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