The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming snoozeburger election. We will not read it. So … who wants to see more gross close-ups of this cover though? This is what you want!
Look at this terrifying Mitt Romney eye.
And the teeth. Look at these terrifying Mitt Romney teeth.
What a jerk. (Huh?) Goodnight! [THE NEW REPUBLIC]
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Who put an old elephant on the cover?
After he loses the election they can make him into a woman's bag or pair of shoes.
Or mittens? But I hear that Romney Hide isn't cheap. It'll cost your community's factory, at least.
Luis Vuitton can use his face for their next line of clutches.
That's the face of a serial killer.
holy crap, that's exactly what I thought too: it looks like that photo of Ted Bundy letting his inner monster show during his murder trial.
Those eyebrows are still not up to Ron Paul's standards.
Come to think of it, has anyone seen Ted Bundy lately? He allegedly went to prison around the same time "Romney" started at Bain.
Mittens Wayne Romney
Seriously, his eyes are insane. Mittens Manson.
Poster from Rise of the Planet of the Apes…
Do Mormons not believe in orthodontia?
Maybe Orly will give him a discount on some braces.
and then sell him a house.
before suing the shit out of him.
Actually -and this is totally not a joke- Orly apparently went in for her law degree so as to represent herself in malpractice suits. This leaves me with two reactions:
One, she apparently never heard what you say about the doctor who treats herself.
Two, just… if you're getting sued for malpractice often enough that getting a law degree is the cheaper of the available options… well, apparently she's as great a dentist as she is a lawyer.
Or Dentistry in general?
They don't drink coffee, red wine, and they don't smoke. Their teeth are as white as their undergarments. Of course, they eat sugar by the bargefull, so I would hope they do.
See also 'Osmond'
Brow Libel.
Ann Coulter, soon to be VeePee candidate, swoons.
I see (electorally) dead people.
Goddamn it, Newell. You have to ease back into this.
Jebus Aitch Christ on a Skateboard, my retinas.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. A year ago, we were singing dirges around here and lighting candles for Life Support Wonkette. Jim's gonna play this game the only way he knows how: with tenacity, wit, and hot, sweet photos of the cuttest President evar.
(i upfisted you, btw, because it was scary)
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely pro-Newell. I'm unfortunately also pro-retina.
Such quandaries we encounter in the name of snark.
The most striking thing about Mittbot is the eyes. They're shark eyes. They're dead eyes. Soulless eyes.They're just looking for their next meal. Just exactly like Capt. Quint said about that other great gray-scaled predator.
I once had a husband like that. Eyes the color and soul of pond scum.
I'm there! This could be the poster for "Jaws 3D XII, The Revenge of Willard". Also, imagine those snaggle teeth ripping into innocent, 99%'er flesh!
Shark LIBEL!
Jezus fuck, man, you're rich–tighten up those pores! At least get a decent shave, you damned hobo.
Yeah, but he's unemployed.
Romney is unemployed so he's a very pore man.
His pores don't seem to have a safety net, do they?
Right, he's not very concerned about the pores.
Win!
Remember Willard, Botox – It's not just for Kardashians anymore!
He's too busy doing the laundry.
His pores are scaring me.
Nonsense. It just goes to show that Mormons aren't opposed to all black heads.
Perry for VP, then?
Rivals my worst acid nightmare, which usually gifted me something positive after it had shifted gears. This promises nothing but night terrors until the world is sacrificed on an alter of ignorance and bad breath!
I find this difficult to masterbate to.
This is how Mitt appeared to the dog on his roof. [enlarged, B&W, soul-less]
That's the real reason it shat everywhere.
The better is question is "Would he eat Obama?"
If this dude gets the nomination, I'm buying me a silver-tipped cane and staying indoors when the moon is full.
I think my avatar better captures the subtle nuance of Mittens.
His 'wife of 42 years' may have early-onset glaucoma now.
That's a second good reason she needs some ganja.
So he's really one of the Lizard People?
That picture is very disturbing. I wish you had chosen something…
Oh, fuck it. MY DICK HAS TURTLED FOREVER NOW.
Welcome back, Jim. And fuck you very much, also, too.
Aaaah my eyes! That's killed my boner.
Where does he buy his fake eyebrows? The Halloween Store?
I hope he brought a spare bowl of candybeans…
Borrowed from Ron Paul?
I'm not gonna delete my recent comment about this. Too lazy.
He picks up the hairs that fall off Ron Paul during a debate. Mormons are very thrifty.
"When you stare into Mitt's pores, Mitt's pores stare back into you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche-
Skynet has outdone themselves with the new Romneybot. It's so lifelike!
"They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot."
Who is Vaclav Havel?
Former President of the Czech Republic…..a good man.
Mittens is not concerned about any pores.
Equivocation Libel!
Awesome!
Damn, Mitt. Face looks like a roadmap of the greater New York Metropolitan area. Let me send you some coupons for Lancôme.
Would he beat Obama… by turning him into stone?
Is this a cell-shot in his car? I can see the road moving in his eyes. KIDS, STOP DOING THIS SHIT IN TRAFFIC.
Rmoney has nice skin…for a Reptiloid.
~
The bottom two pics should be joined to make a Mitt Monsterbot.
Hey, a picture of Abraham Mittens. He's my favorite president.
I don't like Mitt any more than you guys do, but that cover seems like a pretty cheap shot.
Oh c'mon. He's in politics. There's no such thing as cheap shots.
Not to mention digitally enhanced (de-enhanced?)
I was a bit puzzled, then I realized this is not that Goldberg/Lopez fap-rag for fascist chubby chasers, it's the other one…
That was kind of my reaction. Christ, I'm prez of our union. If anyone took a pic of my face and blew it up like that, it could end the labor movement.
Most people don't seem to mind giant closeups of kitteh faces.
The mousebits caught in my whiskers are way scary.
Compared to the shit the conservative media has done to the president and his family, I won't be shedding a single tear for the use of a single, unflattering portrait. This little thing isn't even close to being even.
And he wants to cut my aunt and cousin's healthcare, nullify my friend's marriage and cut medicare. I'm not going to shed a tear because someone posted a picture that shows he's got wrinkles like most older people do.
Oh, for fuck's sake, lets all play nice now, right? We're just playing for marbles here, aren't we?
It's ironic that this is a photograph, because this is the most animated I've ever seen him.
I take it that The New Republic doesn't like Mitt.
That's nothing — they'll be releasing portraits of the whole Romney family in future issues.
WOAH!!!!
AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!
They made a mistake. #9 is obviously Callista (unless she's one of Mitten's wives).
So that's what holy underwear looks like. Thanks, but I'll stick with Haines.
Fuck the pores.
That's as awesome as it gets.
Why is he wearing Jan Brewer's face?
ZING!
Face off?
Zombie ALERT!
$250 million smackers, I expect that fucker to have absolutely perfect teeth. Or is that all part of his man of the people image?
You forgot "famous for its plagiarism scandals and inability to fact-check," also, too.
Holy Crap. Dat dood UGLY.
Is that a tear?? Or a xanthalasma??? Plastic surgeons can fix those things, you know.
Better get your triglycerides checked.
Right back where ya left off, eh Jim?
Boy, Ken Doll really needs a facelift.
Thank you for the reminder to reapply sunscreen. I knew Wonkette was helpful!
Mittbot should know that you NEVER touch your face after handling money!
It's like Lyle Waggoner getting fucked by a terrifying tree face from the garden supply store.
Speaking of PERFECT people (via WaPo):
In an interview with Bloomberg TV airing this weekend, asked to name the most conservative candidate left in the GOP field, she told Al Hunt, “I was. I was the perfect candidate … America had their chance with the perfect candidate.”
Which she-thing was it One-L or Tundra Grifter?
Horrible timing. If you posted this yesterday, it would have saved me about 1 billion calories of super-unhealthy Super Bowl food.
Stop frightening me like this! I hate monkeys…he looks like one close up!
You cannot hide. I see you. There is no life in the void. Only death.
Now they are the Nazgul-neither living nor dead.
I think that is the map to the Knights Templar treasure underneath his left eye. Either that or Morse code for "I like to fire people".
Looks more like xanthelesmata, as another commenter pointed out, and there's a correlation to heart disease.
How can you have heart disease when….fuckit, you know what I'm getting at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they installed one in Mittbot V2.0 and I hope it absolutely verkakte plotzes in the middle of his Nom-Nom-Nom acceptance speech.
His teeth remind me of a Bedrock skyline.
The white cliffs of Dover..
Teeth like Stonehenge, nose like a bridge abutment.
More like a flying butress.
After the Morton Salt ad meme…
If Mittens reigns, shit pores
This is like Republican porno.
Ol' scrotum face.
And, you'd think that with all his money he'd be able to have his teef fixed…or does that make him look like Everyman?
$250 million could buy a lot of Botox. I'm just sayin'.
<3<3<3<3<3
Oh great, it's taken Jim just one day back to break one of the new editors.
I believe it's referred to as "breaking the cutie."
A TV Tropes link? What, are you trying to get everyone to waste hours and hours of time?
Encouraging time-wasting on the Wonkett? Never.
Indy: Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?
Salaah: Mittens' eyebrow, very dangerous. You go first.
well i guess we know what happened to ron paul's eyebrows now.
And I won't be needing dinner tonight after all…
…I will, however, need quite a few drinks…
Holy Joseph Smith, if that's what clean Mormon living will do for you, someone pour me a whiskey.
Apparently, mormon's live like pirates. This pic makes Keith Richards look like a 14 yr old disney starlett.
This image is to the GOP in 2012 what the Shepard Fairey/Hope poster was to the Dems in 2008.
What's with the pic of the sweaty underside of a baboon's balls?
I think I'm going to tell my kids this is what's hiding under their beds if they give me any shit.
Bonus: now I know what my Halloween mask is going to be!
Apparently Mormons have to use "magical toothpaste"
also, TNR, i think it's fair to say sarah palin has ruined pretty much everything she's been involved with – except grifting of course.
so much Snark you should belong to the Thundercats!!!
It wouldn't be TNR if they didn't have a their monthly Palin snipe. It's pathological.
That photo calls for those special Rowdy Roddy Piper They Live special alien detection sunglasses. Now where did I put mine, dammit!
He makes ladies' tongues wiggle with anticipation. But what's with the teeth? Is he English?
Yikes! Shades of Nixon. Mittens needs a new make up person in the advance team.
Needz moar Bain de Soleil.
this is what $$$$ can do to your looks kids
geez, what the hell did Mitt ever do to TNR? Imma save this picture for camping trips, it's way scarier than the hook on the door of the car.
Mormon Jeesus, was Mitt caught in a fire in Nevada?? Did he just come out of the desert covered in sand??
Women should be terrified: that is the grittiest looking douche you've ever seen.
It wouldn't be an issue of TNR without their monthly anti-Palin snipe (see lower left corner).
The latest cover of The New Repblic is grotesque, making Romney into a monster. I am appalled, and absolutely hate it. Why did they do this?
Michael Ignatieff is an incompetent halfwit. Canada's Martha Coakley.
Yes, nice to see him back to typing words no one will ever read for a living.
I thought he was Canada's John Kerry?
Man, a lot of shitty Democratic politicians come from Mass, don't they? I hear people pushing Deval Patrick for prez down the line, and I just don't understand it. None of them are ever bad people, but they just make bland politicians.
He's an even bigger asshole closeup. One would think a billion dollars would allow some brow trimming. Perhaps those ridiculous Mormons prohibit that as well.
Speaking of which, I've seen more attractive close-ups of real assholes.
You'd think with his vast fortune, Willard could afford to get his teeth fixed and brows waxed; oh and to use some moisturizer once in a while. That's one fugly dude.
Wow, from here it almost looks real!
Tangentially-Related Topic: Americans for Prosperity has just dropped a huge "Happy Birthday President Reagan" Ad buy on The Weather Channel. It's like 3 minutes of Sunny, Optimistic "Morning-in-America" schtick Reagan speeches (In Living Color) intercut with grainy B&W footage of Obama saying "We're in trouble", It's not Class Warfare" (cut to footage of OWS Riot). Slick. Total Propaganda.
What the Koch's don't realize is that all this Reagan Hagiography does make Obama look bad, sure but it makes Romney look one helluva lot Worse. Mittens is about the most unappealing candidate since Gus Hall and he sure isn't able to run on Optimism. Obama is, in fact running on optimism.
It's Half-Time in America, Folks.
I thought he was made of plastic
Technological Advancement, you can have your Hi-res back.
"a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama"
Congratulations! You've just invented the perfect anti-LSD commercial….
This guy, the scary one in the pictures, also wears magic underwear.
Mangina Dentata.
Isn't that Tricky Dick?
All that fuckin' money in Bloomfield-fickin-Hills private prep boarding Cranbrook and bad teeth. At least I have an excuse.
BTW, his wikipedia page concerning his time at Cranbrook through middle and high school bemoans that he was "the lone Mormon and where many students came from even more privileged backgrounds." Boo-'effin'-hoo; poor, little rich boy.
Oh,oh, look what they found when Corporate America had its last colonoscopy!
Meh. All men look that way.
Speak for yourself. lol
Grrrrrr. No, wait, you're right!
I dunno, Orly Taitz may be much more tolerable if only she'd self-medicate.
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