Gross Close-Ups of Mitt Romney’s Face Based On This TNR Cover

The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming snoozeburger election. We will not read it. So … who wants to see more gross close-ups of this cover though? This is what you want!

Look at this terrifying Mitt Romney eye.

And the teeth. Look at these terrifying Mitt Romney teeth.

What a jerk. (Huh?) Goodnight! [THE NEW REPUBLIC]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. StarsUponThars

      holy crap, that's exactly what I thought too: it looks like that photo of Ted Bundy letting his inner monster show during his murder trial.

      1. Mahousu

        Come to think of it, has anyone seen Ted Bundy lately? He allegedly went to prison around the same time "Romney" started at Bain.

          1. Negligently_Joe

            Actually -and this is totally not a joke- Orly apparently went in for her law degree so as to represent herself in malpractice suits. This leaves me with two reactions:

            One, she apparently never heard what you say about the doctor who treats herself.

            Two, just… if you're getting sued for malpractice often enough that getting a law degree is the cheaper of the available options… well, apparently she's as great a dentist as she is a lawyer.

      1. BonoboReview

        They don't drink coffee, red wine, and they don't smoke. Their teeth are as white as their undergarments. Of course, they eat sugar by the bargefull, so I would hope they do.

  1. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Goddamn it, Newell. You have to ease back into this.

    Jebus Aitch Christ on a Skateboard, my retinas.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Bitch, bitch, bitch. A year ago, we were singing dirges around here and lighting candles for Life Support Wonkette. Jim's gonna play this game the only way he knows how: with tenacity, wit, and hot, sweet photos of the cuttest President evar.

      (i upfisted you, btw, because it was scary)

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely pro-Newell. I'm unfortunately also pro-retina.

        Such quandaries we encounter in the name of snark.

  2. memzilla

    The most striking thing about Mittbot is the eyes. They're shark eyes. They're dead eyes. Soulless eyes.They're just looking for their next meal. Just exactly like Capt. Quint said about that other great gray-scaled predator.

    1. Mrspanky

      I'm there! This could be the poster for "Jaws 3D XII, The Revenge of Willard". Also, imagine those snaggle teeth ripping into innocent, 99%'er flesh!

  3. angerbear

    Jezus fuck, man, you're rich–tighten up those pores! At least get a decent shave, you damned hobo.

  4. smashedinhat

    Rivals my worst acid nightmare, which usually gifted me something positive after it had shifted gears. This promises nothing but night terrors until the world is sacrificed on an alter of ignorance and bad breath!

  5. CapnFatback

    The better is question is "Would he eat Obama?"

    If this dude gets the nomination, I'm buying me a silver-tipped cane and staying indoors when the moon is full.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    That picture is very disturbing. I wish you had chosen something…


    Welcome back, Jim. And fuck you very much, also, too.

  7. SheriffRoscoe

    Damn, Mitt. Face looks like a roadmap of the greater New York Metropolitan area. Let me send you some coupons for Lancôme.

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    Is this a cell-shot in his car? I can see the road moving in his eyes. KIDS, STOP DOING THIS SHIT IN TRAFFIC.

    1. elfgoldsackring

      I was a bit puzzled, then I realized this is not that Goldberg/Lopez fap-rag for fascist chubby chasers, it's the other one…

    2. Inchhigh

      That was kind of my reaction. Christ, I'm prez of our union. If anyone took a pic of my face and blew it up like that, it could end the labor movement.

    3. Negropolis

      Compared to the shit the conservative media has done to the president and his family, I won't be shedding a single tear for the use of a single, unflattering portrait. This little thing isn't even close to being even.

    4. DarwinianDemon

      And he wants to cut my aunt and cousin's healthcare, nullify my friend's marriage and cut medicare. I'm not going to shed a tear because someone posted a picture that shows he's got wrinkles like most older people do.

    5. ttommyunger

      Oh, for fuck's sake, lets all play nice now, right? We're just playing for marbles here, aren't we?

  9. LettucePrey

    the famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force one,” The New Republic

    You forgot "famous for its plagiarism scandals and inability to fact-check," also, too.

  10. CountryClubJihadi

    It's like Lyle Waggoner getting fucked by a terrifying tree face from the garden supply store.

  11. chascates

    Speaking of PERFECT people (via WaPo):
    In an interview with Bloomberg TV airing this weekend, asked to name the most conservative candidate left in the GOP field, she told Al Hunt, “I was. I was the perfect candidate … America had their chance with the perfect candidate.”

  12. DeeJayKitteh

    Horrible timing. If you posted this yesterday, it would have saved me about 1 billion calories of super-unhealthy Super Bowl food.

  13. MissTaken

    I think that is the map to the Knights Templar treasure underneath his left eye. Either that or Morse code for "I like to fire people".

        1. MittBorg

          Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they installed one in Mittbot V2.0 and I hope it absolutely verkakte plotzes in the middle of his Nom-Nom-Nom acceptance speech.

  14. lochnessmonster

    And, you'd think that with all his money he'd be able to have his teef fixed…or does that make him look like Everyman?

  15. Callyson

    And I won't be needing dinner tonight after all…
    …I will, however, need quite a few drinks…

  16. BlueStateLibel

    Holy Joseph Smith, if that's what clean Mormon living will do for you, someone pour me a whiskey.

    1. ElPinche

      Apparently, mormon's live like pirates. This pic makes Keith Richards look like a 14 yr old disney starlett.

  17. Texan_Bulldog

    I think I'm going to tell my kids this is what's hiding under their beds if they give me any shit.

    Bonus: now I know what my Halloween mask is going to be!

  18. fuflans

    also, TNR, i think it's fair to say sarah palin has ruined pretty much everything she's been involved with – except grifting of course.

    1. KaneKoloth

      so much Snark you should belong to the Thundercats!!!

      It wouldn't be TNR if they didn't have a their monthly Palin snipe. It's pathological.

  19. bflrtsplk

    That photo calls for those special Rowdy Roddy Piper They Live special alien detection sunglasses. Now where did I put mine, dammit!

  20. beezie687

    geez, what the hell did Mitt ever do to TNR? Imma save this picture for camping trips, it's way scarier than the hook on the door of the car.

  21. 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Mormon Jeesus, was Mitt caught in a fire in Nevada?? Did he just come out of the desert covered in sand??

    Women should be terrified: that is the grittiest looking douche you've ever seen.

  22. nforderhase

    The latest cover of The New Repblic is grotesque, making Romney into a monster. I am appalled, and absolutely hate it. Why did they do this?

    1. Negropolis

      I thought he was Canada's John Kerry?

      Man, a lot of shitty Democratic politicians come from Mass, don't they? I hear people pushing Deval Patrick for prez down the line, and I just don't understand it. None of them are ever bad people, but they just make bland politicians.

  23. JackObin

    He's an even bigger asshole closeup. One would think a billion dollars would allow some brow trimming. Perhaps those ridiculous Mormons prohibit that as well.

  24. Isyaignert

    You'd think with his vast fortune, Willard could afford to get his teeth fixed and brows waxed; oh and to use some moisturizer once in a while. That's one fugly dude.

  25. C_R_Eature

    Wow, from here it almost looks real!

    Tangentially-Related Topic: Americans for Prosperity has just dropped a huge "Happy Birthday President Reagan" Ad buy on The Weather Channel. It's like 3 minutes of Sunny, Optimistic "Morning-in-America" schtick Reagan speeches (In Living Color) intercut with grainy B&W footage of Obama saying "We're in trouble", It's not Class Warfare" (cut to footage of OWS Riot). Slick. Total Propaganda.

    What the Koch's don't realize is that all this Reagan Hagiography does make Obama look bad, sure but it makes Romney look one helluva lot Worse. Mittens is about the most unappealing candidate since Gus Hall and he sure isn't able to run on Optimism. Obama is, in fact running on optimism.
    It's Half-Time in America, Folks.

  26. DahBoner

    "a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama"

    Congratulations! You've just invented the perfect anti-LSD commercial….

  27. Negropolis

    All that fuckin' money in Bloomfield-fickin-Hills private prep boarding Cranbrook and bad teeth. At least I have an excuse.

    BTW, his wikipedia page concerning his time at Cranbrook through middle and high school bemoans that he was "the lone Mormon and where many students came from even more privileged backgrounds." Boo-'effin'-hoo; poor, little rich boy.

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