FUNNY PICTURES  5:23 pm February 6, 2012

Gross Close-Ups of Mitt Romney’s Face Based On This TNR Cover

by Jim Newell

The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming snoozeburger election. We will not read it. So … who wants to see more gross close-ups of this cover though? This is what you want!

Look at this terrifying Mitt Romney eye.

And the teeth. Look at these terrifying Mitt Romney teeth.

What a jerk. (Huh?) Goodnight! [THE NEW REPUBLIC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 165 comments }

Generation[redacted] February 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Who put an old elephant on the cover?

BklynIlluminati February 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

After he loses the election they can make him into a woman's bag or pair of shoes.

Designer_Rants February 6, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Or mittens? But I hear that Romney Hide isn't cheap. It'll cost your community's factory, at least.

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Luis Vuitton can use his face for their next line of clutches.

DrunkIrishman February 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

That's the face of a serial killer.

StarsUponThars February 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm

holy crap, that's exactly what I thought too: it looks like that photo of Ted Bundy letting his inner monster show during his murder trial.

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Those eyebrows are still not up to Ron Paul's standards.

Mahousu February 6, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Come to think of it, has anyone seen Ted Bundy lately? He allegedly went to prison around the same time "Romney" started at Bain.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Mittens Wayne Romney

Mojopo February 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Seriously, his eyes are insane. Mittens Manson.

KeepFnThatChicken February 6, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Poster from Rise of the Planet of the Apes

chascates February 6, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Do Mormons not believe in orthodontia?

weej_bain February 6, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Maybe Orly will give him a discount on some braces.

smokefilledroommate February 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm

and then sell him a house.

chascates February 6, 2012 at 5:43 pm

before suing the shit out of him.

Negligently_Joe February 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Actually -and this is totally not a joke- Orly apparently went in for her law degree so as to represent herself in malpractice suits. This leaves me with two reactions:

One, she apparently never heard what you say about the doctor who treats herself.

Two, just… if you're getting sued for malpractice often enough that getting a law degree is the cheaper of the available options… well, apparently she's as great a dentist as she is a lawyer.

Urban_Achiever February 6, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Or Dentistry in general?

BonoboReview February 6, 2012 at 6:07 pm

They don't drink coffee, red wine, and they don't smoke. Their teeth are as white as their undergarments. Of course, they eat sugar by the bargefull, so I would hope they do.

widestanceshakedown February 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm

See also 'Osmond'

YouBetcha February 6, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Brow Libel.

weej_bain February 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Ann Coulter, soon to be VeePee candidate, swoons.

ManchuCandidate February 6, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I see (electorally) dead people.

WhatTheHolyHeck February 6, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Goddamn it, Newell. You have to ease back into this.

Jebus Aitch Christ on a Skateboard, my retinas.

KeepFnThatChicken February 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Bitch, bitch, bitch. A year ago, we were singing dirges around here and lighting candles for Life Support Wonkette. Jim's gonna play this game the only way he knows how: with tenacity, wit, and hot, sweet photos of the cuttest President evar.

(i upfisted you, btw, because it was scary)

WhatTheHolyHeck February 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely pro-Newell. I'm unfortunately also pro-retina.

Such quandaries we encounter in the name of snark.

memzilla February 6, 2012 at 5:29 pm

The most striking thing about Mittbot is the eyes. They're shark eyes. They're dead eyes. Soulless eyes.They're just looking for their next meal. Just exactly like Capt. Quint said about that other great gray-scaled predator.

NellCote71 February 6, 2012 at 7:21 pm

I once had a husband like that. Eyes the color and soul of pond scum.

Mrspanky February 6, 2012 at 8:27 pm

I'm there! This could be the poster for "Jaws 3D XII, The Revenge of Willard". Also, imagine those snaggle teeth ripping into innocent, 99%'er flesh!

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Shark LIBEL!

angerbear February 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Jezus fuck, man, you're rich–tighten up those pores! At least get a decent shave, you damned hobo.

Crank_Tango February 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Yeah, but he's unemployed.

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Romney is unemployed so he's a very pore man.

Graham Cracker February 6, 2012 at 6:16 pm

His pores don't seem to have a safety net, do they?

Spurning Beer February 6, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Right, he's not very concerned about the pores.

FraAnima February 6, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Win!

Mrspanky February 6, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Remember Willard, Botox – It's not just for Kardashians anymore!

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 9:39 pm

He's too busy doing the laundry.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

His pores are scaring me.

CapnFatback February 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Nonsense. It just goes to show that Mormons aren't opposed to all black heads.

NellCote71 February 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Perry for VP, then?

smashedinhat February 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Rivals my worst acid nightmare, which usually gifted me something positive after it had shifted gears. This promises nothing but night terrors until the world is sacrificed on an alter of ignorance and bad breath!

Baconzgood February 6, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I find this difficult to masterbate to.

ph7 February 6, 2012 at 5:34 pm

This is how Mitt appeared to the dog on his roof. [enlarged, B&W, soul-less]

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:14 pm

That's the real reason it shat everywhere.

CapnFatback February 6, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The better is question is "Would he eat Obama?"

If this dude gets the nomination, I'm buying me a silver-tipped cane and staying indoors when the moon is full.

weej_bain February 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I think my avatar better captures the subtle nuance of Mittens.

chascates February 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm

His 'wife of 42 years' may have early-onset glaucoma now.

ph7 February 6, 2012 at 5:37 pm

That's a second good reason she needs some ganja.

littlebigdaddy February 6, 2012 at 5:34 pm

So he's really one of the Lizard People?

elviouslyqueer February 6, 2012 at 5:34 pm

That picture is very disturbing. I wish you had chosen something…

Oh, fuck it. MY DICK HAS TURTLED FOREVER NOW.

Welcome back, Jim. And fuck you very much, also, too.

SorosBot February 6, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Aaaah my eyes! That's killed my boner.

elfgoldsackring February 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Where does he buy his fake eyebrows? The Halloween Store?

Crank_Tango February 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I hope he brought a spare bowl of candybeans…

emmelemm February 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Borrowed from Ron Paul?

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:15 pm

I'm not gonna delete my recent comment about this. Too lazy.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 9:42 pm

He picks up the hairs that fall off Ron Paul during a debate. Mormons are very thrifty.

Baconzgood February 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

"When you stare into Mitt's pores, Mitt's pores stare back into you."

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

cheetojeebus February 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Skynet has outdone themselves with the new Romneybot. It's so lifelike!

emmelemm February 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

"They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot."

PuckStopsHere February 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Who is Vaclav Havel?

KaneKoloth February 6, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Former President of the Czech Republic…..a good man.

widestanceshakedown February 6, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Mittens is not concerned about any pores.

KeepFnThatChicken February 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Equivocation Libel!

ifthethunderdontgetya February 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Awesome!

;)

SheriffRoscoe February 6, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Damn, Mitt. Face looks like a roadmap of the greater New York Metropolitan area. Let me send you some coupons for Lancôme.

smokefilledroommate February 6, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Would he beat Obama… by turning him into stone?

KeepFnThatChicken February 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Is this a cell-shot in his car? I can see the road moving in his eyes. KIDS, STOP DOING THIS SHIT IN TRAFFIC.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 6, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Rmoney has nice skin…for a Reptiloid.
~

smokefilledroommate February 6, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The bottom two pics should be joined to make a Mitt Monsterbot.

comptoneffect February 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Hey, a picture of Abraham Mittens. He's my favorite president.

MinAgain February 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I don't like Mitt any more than you guys do, but that cover seems like a pretty cheap shot.

SheriffRoscoe February 6, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Oh c'mon. He's in politics. There's no such thing as cheap shots.

Lascauxcaveman February 6, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Not to mention digitally enhanced (de-enhanced?)

elfgoldsackring February 6, 2012 at 5:50 pm

I was a bit puzzled, then I realized this is not that Goldberg/Lopez fap-rag for fascist chubby chasers, it's the other one…

Inchhigh February 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

That was kind of my reaction. Christ, I'm prez of our union. If anyone took a pic of my face and blew it up like that, it could end the labor movement.

MittBorg February 6, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Most people don't seem to mind giant closeups of kitteh faces.

Inchhigh February 7, 2012 at 4:39 am

The mousebits caught in my whiskers are way scary.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 2:20 am

Compared to the shit the conservative media has done to the president and his family, I won't be shedding a single tear for the use of a single, unflattering portrait. This little thing isn't even close to being even.

DarwinianDemon February 7, 2012 at 3:48 am

And he wants to cut my aunt and cousin's healthcare, nullify my friend's marriage and cut medicare. I'm not going to shed a tear because someone posted a picture that shows he's got wrinkles like most older people do.

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 6:54 am

Oh, for fuck's sake, lets all play nice now, right? We're just playing for marbles here, aren't we?

nicnack74 February 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm

It's ironic that this is a photograph, because this is the most animated I've ever seen him.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I take it that The New Republic doesn't like Mitt.

SayItWithWookies February 6, 2012 at 5:43 pm

That's nothing — they'll be releasing portraits of the whole Romney family in future issues.

DemmeFatale February 6, 2012 at 6:37 pm

WOAH!!!!

MittBorg February 6, 2012 at 8:11 pm

AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:19 pm

They made a mistake. #9 is obviously Callista (unless she's one of Mitten's wives).

Dudleydidwrong February 6, 2012 at 11:18 pm

So that's what holy underwear looks like. Thanks, but I'll stick with Haines.

slowhansolo February 6, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Fuck the pores.

SheriffRoscoe February 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

That's as awesome as it gets.

widestanceshakedown February 6, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Why is he wearing Jan Brewer's face?

SheriffRoscoe February 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm

ZING!

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Face off?

TeaNuts February 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Zombie ALERT!

gurukalehuru February 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

$250 million smackers, I expect that fucker to have absolutely perfect teeth. Or is that all part of his man of the people image?

LettucePrey February 6, 2012 at 5:47 pm

the famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force one,” The New Republic

You forgot "famous for its plagiarism scandals and inability to fact-check," also, too.

proudgrampa February 6, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Holy Crap. Dat dood UGLY.

johnnyzhivago February 6, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Is that a tear?? Or a xanthalasma??? Plastic surgeons can fix those things, you know.

Better get your triglycerides checked.

Extemporanus February 6, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Right back where ya left off, eh Jim?

Chillwillard February 6, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Boy, Ken Doll really needs a facelift.

MissTaken February 6, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Thank you for the reminder to reapply sunscreen. I knew Wonkette was helpful!

Midway117 February 6, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Mittbot should know that you NEVER touch your face after handling money!

CountryClubJihadi February 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm

It's like Lyle Waggoner getting fucked by a terrifying tree face from the garden supply store.

chascates February 6, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Speaking of PERFECT people (via WaPo):
In an interview with Bloomberg TV airing this weekend, asked to name the most conservative candidate left in the GOP field, she told Al Hunt, “I was. I was the perfect candidate … America had their chance with the perfect candidate.”

ThundercatHo February 6, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Which she-thing was it One-L or Tundra Grifter?

DeeJayKitteh February 6, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Horrible timing. If you posted this yesterday, it would have saved me about 1 billion calories of super-unhealthy Super Bowl food.

lochnessmonster February 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Stop frightening me like this! I hate monkeys…he looks like one close up!

Nostrildamus February 6, 2012 at 5:56 pm

You cannot hide. I see you. There is no life in the void. Only death.

MosesInvests February 6, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Now they are the Nazgul-neither living nor dead.

MissTaken February 6, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I think that is the map to the Knights Templar treasure underneath his left eye. Either that or Morse code for "I like to fire people".

MittBorg February 6, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Looks more like xanthelesmata, as another commenter pointed out, and there's a correlation to heart disease.

Loaded_Pants February 6, 2012 at 9:22 pm

How can you have heart disease when….fuckit, you know what I'm getting at.

MittBorg February 6, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they installed one in Mittbot V2.0 and I hope it absolutely verkakte plotzes in the middle of his Nom-Nom-Nom acceptance speech.

slowhansolo February 6, 2012 at 5:58 pm

His teeth remind me of a Bedrock skyline.

smokefilledroommate February 6, 2012 at 6:00 pm

The white cliffs of Dover..

slowhansolo February 6, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Teeth like Stonehenge, nose like a bridge abutment.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 2:22 am

More like a flying butress.

weej_bain February 6, 2012 at 5:58 pm

After the Morton Salt ad meme…

If Mittens reigns, shit pores

mavenmaven February 6, 2012 at 6:02 pm

This is like Republican porno.

Generation[redacted] February 6, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Ol' scrotum face.

lochnessmonster February 6, 2012 at 6:04 pm

And, you'd think that with all his money he'd be able to have his teef fixed…or does that make him look like Everyman?

MissTaken February 6, 2012 at 6:08 pm

$250 million could buy a lot of Botox. I'm just sayin'.

lizcolville February 6, 2012 at 6:09 pm

<3<3<3<3<3

SorosBot February 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Oh great, it's taken Jim just one day back to break one of the new editors.

Guppy February 6, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I believe it's referred to as "breaking the cutie."

SorosBot February 6, 2012 at 9:40 pm

A TV Tropes link? What, are you trying to get everyone to waste hours and hours of time?

Guppy February 6, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Encouraging time-wasting on the Wonkett? Never.

slowhansolo February 6, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Indy: Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?
Salaah: Mittens' eyebrow, very dangerous. You go first.

fuflans February 6, 2012 at 6:17 pm

well i guess we know what happened to ron paul's eyebrows now.

Callyson February 6, 2012 at 6:18 pm

And I won't be needing dinner tonight after all…
…I will, however, need quite a few drinks…

BlueStateLibel February 6, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Holy Joseph Smith, if that's what clean Mormon living will do for you, someone pour me a whiskey.

ElPinche February 6, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Apparently, mormon's live like pirates. This pic makes Keith Richards look like a 14 yr old disney starlett.

Wadisay February 6, 2012 at 6:22 pm

This image is to the GOP in 2012 what the Shepard Fairey/Hope poster was to the Dems in 2008.

ElPinche February 6, 2012 at 6:23 pm

What's with the pic of the sweaty underside of a baboon's balls?

Texan_Bulldog February 6, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I think I'm going to tell my kids this is what's hiding under their beds if they give me any shit.

Bonus: now I know what my Halloween mask is going to be!

ElPinche February 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Apparently Mormons have to use "magical toothpaste"

fuflans February 6, 2012 at 6:34 pm

also, TNR, i think it's fair to say sarah palin has ruined pretty much everything she's been involved with – except grifting of course.

KaneKoloth February 6, 2012 at 8:01 pm

so much Snark you should belong to the Thundercats!!!

It wouldn't be TNR if they didn't have a their monthly Palin snipe. It's pathological.

bflrtsplk February 6, 2012 at 6:39 pm

That photo calls for those special Rowdy Roddy Piper They Live special alien detection sunglasses. Now where did I put mine, dammit!

owhatever February 6, 2012 at 6:45 pm

He makes ladies' tongues wiggle with anticipation. But what's with the teeth? Is he English?

rickmaci February 6, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Yikes! Shades of Nixon. Mittens needs a new make up person in the advance team.

Troglodeity February 6, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Needz moar Bain de Soleil.

rocktonsam February 6, 2012 at 7:12 pm

this is what $$$$ can do to your looks kids

beezie687 February 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

geez, what the hell did Mitt ever do to TNR? Imma save this picture for camping trips, it's way scarier than the hook on the door of the car.

40 or 50 % McShineys February 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Mormon Jeesus, was Mitt caught in a fire in Nevada?? Did he just come out of the desert covered in sand??

Women should be terrified: that is the grittiest looking douche you've ever seen.

KaneKoloth February 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

It wouldn't be an issue of TNR without their monthly anti-Palin snipe (see lower left corner).

nforderhase February 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm

The latest cover of The New Repblic is grotesque, making Romney into a monster. I am appalled, and absolutely hate it. Why did they do this?

4TheTurnstiles February 6, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Michael Ignatieff is an incompetent halfwit. Canada's Martha Coakley.

sezme February 6, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Yes, nice to see him back to typing words no one will ever read for a living.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 2:24 am

I thought he was Canada's John Kerry?

Man, a lot of shitty Democratic politicians come from Mass, don't they? I hear people pushing Deval Patrick for prez down the line, and I just don't understand it. None of them are ever bad people, but they just make bland politicians.

JackObin February 6, 2012 at 8:16 pm

He's an even bigger asshole closeup. One would think a billion dollars would allow some brow trimming. Perhaps those ridiculous Mormons prohibit that as well.

sezme February 6, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Speaking of which, I've seen more attractive close-ups of real assholes.

Isyaignert February 6, 2012 at 8:18 pm

You'd think with his vast fortune, Willard could afford to get his teeth fixed and brows waxed; oh and to use some moisturizer once in a while. That's one fugly dude.

C_R_Eature February 6, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Wow, from here it almost looks real!

Tangentially-Related Topic: Americans for Prosperity has just dropped a huge "Happy Birthday President Reagan" Ad buy on The Weather Channel. It's like 3 minutes of Sunny, Optimistic "Morning-in-America" schtick Reagan speeches (In Living Color) intercut with grainy B&W footage of Obama saying "We're in trouble", It's not Class Warfare" (cut to footage of OWS Riot). Slick. Total Propaganda.

What the Koch's don't realize is that all this Reagan Hagiography does make Obama look bad, sure but it makes Romney look one helluva lot Worse. Mittens is about the most unappealing candidate since Gus Hall and he sure isn't able to run on Optimism. Obama is, in fact running on optimism.
It's Half-Time in America, Folks.

GregComlish February 6, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I thought he was made of plastic

Designer_Rants February 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Technological Advancement, you can have your Hi-res back.

DahBoner February 6, 2012 at 11:29 pm

"a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama"

Congratulations! You've just invented the perfect anti-LSD commercial….

zappadoo76 February 6, 2012 at 11:40 pm

This guy, the scary one in the pictures, also wears magic underwear.

KeepFnThatChicken February 6, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Mangina Dentata.

BZ1 February 7, 2012 at 12:34 am

Isn't that Tricky Dick?

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 2:10 am

All that fuckin' money in Bloomfield-fickin-Hills private prep boarding Cranbrook and bad teeth. At least I have an excuse.

BTW, his wikipedia page concerning his time at Cranbrook through middle and high school bemoans that he was "the lone Mormon and where many students came from even more privileged backgrounds." Boo-'effin'-hoo; poor, little rich boy.

Inchhigh February 7, 2012 at 4:44 am

Oh,oh, look what they found when Corporate America had its last colonoscopy!

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 6:56 am

Meh. All men look that way.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Speak for yourself. lol

ttommyunger February 8, 2012 at 12:07 am

Grrrrrr. No, wait, you're right!

Guppy February 6, 2012 at 7:12 pm

I dunno, Orly Taitz may be much more tolerable if only she'd self-medicate.

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