Gross Close-Ups of Mitt Romney’s Face Based On This TNR Cover

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The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming snoozeburger election. We will not read it. So … who wants to see more gross close-ups of this cover though? This is what you want!

Look at this terrifying Mitt Romney eye.

And the teeth. Look at these terrifying Mitt Romney teeth.

What a jerk. (Huh?) Goodnight! [THE NEW REPUBLIC]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Generation[redacted]

    Who put an old elephant on the cover?

  • BklynIlluminati

    After he loses the election they can make him into a woman's bag or pair of shoes.

    • Designer_Rants

      Or mittens? But I hear that Romney Hide isn't cheap. It'll cost your community's factory, at least.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Luis Vuitton can use his face for their next line of clutches.

  • DrunkIrishman

    That's the face of a serial killer.

    • StarsUponThars

      holy crap, that's exactly what I thought too: it looks like that photo of Ted Bundy letting his inner monster show during his murder trial.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Those eyebrows are still not up to Ron Paul's standards.

      • Mahousu

        Come to think of it, has anyone seen Ted Bundy lately? He allegedly went to prison around the same time "Romney" started at Bain.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Mittens Wayne Romney

    • Mojopo

      Seriously, his eyes are insane. Mittens Manson.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Poster from Rise of the Planet of the Apes

  • chascates

    Do Mormons not believe in orthodontia?

    • weej_bain

      Maybe Orly will give him a discount on some braces.

      • smokefilledroommate

        and then sell him a house.

        • chascates

          before suing the shit out of him.

          • Negligently_Joe

            Actually -and this is totally not a joke- Orly apparently went in for her law degree so as to represent herself in malpractice suits. This leaves me with two reactions:

            One, she apparently never heard what you say about the doctor who treats herself.

            Two, just… if you're getting sued for malpractice often enough that getting a law degree is the cheaper of the available options… well, apparently she's as great a dentist as she is a lawyer.

          • Guppy

            I dunno, Orly Taitz may be much more tolerable if only she'd self-medicate.

    • Urban_Achiever

      Or Dentistry in general?

      • BonoboReview

        They don't drink coffee, red wine, and they don't smoke. Their teeth are as white as their undergarments. Of course, they eat sugar by the bargefull, so I would hope they do.

    • widestanceshakedown

      See also 'Osmond'

  • YouBetcha

    Brow Libel.

  • weej_bain

    Ann Coulter, soon to be VeePee candidate, swoons.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I see (electorally) dead people.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Goddamn it, Newell. You have to ease back into this.

    Jebus Aitch Christ on a Skateboard, my retinas.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Bitch, bitch, bitch. A year ago, we were singing dirges around here and lighting candles for Life Support Wonkette. Jim's gonna play this game the only way he knows how: with tenacity, wit, and hot, sweet photos of the cuttest President evar.

      (i upfisted you, btw, because it was scary)

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely pro-Newell. I'm unfortunately also pro-retina.

        Such quandaries we encounter in the name of snark.

  • memzilla

    The most striking thing about Mittbot is the eyes. They're shark eyes. They're dead eyes. Soulless eyes.They're just looking for their next meal. Just exactly like Capt. Quint said about that other great gray-scaled predator.

    • NellCote71

      I once had a husband like that. Eyes the color and soul of pond scum.

    • Mrspanky

      I'm there! This could be the poster for "Jaws 3D XII, The Revenge of Willard". Also, imagine those snaggle teeth ripping into innocent, 99%'er flesh!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Shark LIBEL!

  • angerbear

    Jezus fuck, man, you're rich–tighten up those pores! At least get a decent shave, you damned hobo.

    • Crank_Tango

      Yeah, but he's unemployed.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Romney is unemployed so he's a very pore man.

    • Graham Cracker

      His pores don't seem to have a safety net, do they?

    • Spurning Beer

      Right, he's not very concerned about the pores.

      • FraAnima


    • Mrspanky

      Remember Willard, Botox – It's not just for Kardashians anymore!

    • Jukesgrrl

      He's too busy doing the laundry.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    His pores are scaring me.

    • CapnFatback

      Nonsense. It just goes to show that Mormons aren't opposed to all black heads.

      • NellCote71

        Perry for VP, then?

  • smashedinhat

    Rivals my worst acid nightmare, which usually gifted me something positive after it had shifted gears. This promises nothing but night terrors until the world is sacrificed on an alter of ignorance and bad breath!

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masterbate to.

    • ph7

      This is how Mitt appeared to the dog on his roof. [enlarged, B&W, soul-less]

      • Loaded_Pants

        That's the real reason it shat everywhere.

  • CapnFatback

    The better is question is "Would he eat Obama?"

    If this dude gets the nomination, I'm buying me a silver-tipped cane and staying indoors when the moon is full.

  • weej_bain

    I think my avatar better captures the subtle nuance of Mittens.

  • chascates

    His 'wife of 42 years' may have early-onset glaucoma now.

    • ph7

      That's a second good reason she needs some ganja.

  • littlebigdaddy

    So he's really one of the Lizard People?

  • elviouslyqueer

    That picture is very disturbing. I wish you had chosen something…


    Welcome back, Jim. And fuck you very much, also, too.

  • SorosBot

    Aaaah my eyes! That's killed my boner.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Where does he buy his fake eyebrows? The Halloween Store?

    • Crank_Tango

      I hope he brought a spare bowl of candybeans…

    • emmelemm

      Borrowed from Ron Paul?

      • Loaded_Pants

        I'm not gonna delete my recent comment about this. Too lazy.

    • Jukesgrrl

      He picks up the hairs that fall off Ron Paul during a debate. Mormons are very thrifty.

  • Baconzgood

    "When you stare into Mitt's pores, Mitt's pores stare back into you."

    -Friedrich Nietzsche-

  • cheetojeebus

    Skynet has outdone themselves with the new Romneybot. It's so lifelike!

    • emmelemm

      "They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot."

  • PuckStopsHere

    Who is Vaclav Havel?

    • KaneKoloth

      Former President of the Czech Republic…..a good man.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Mittens is not concerned about any pores.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Equivocation Libel!

    • ifthethunderdontgetya



  • SheriffRoscoe

    Damn, Mitt. Face looks like a roadmap of the greater New York Metropolitan area. Let me send you some coupons for Lancôme.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Would he beat Obama… by turning him into stone?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Is this a cell-shot in his car? I can see the road moving in his eyes. KIDS, STOP DOING THIS SHIT IN TRAFFIC.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    Rmoney has nice skin…for a Reptiloid.

  • smokefilledroommate

    The bottom two pics should be joined to make a Mitt Monsterbot.

  • comptoneffect

    Hey, a picture of Abraham Mittens. He's my favorite president.

  • MinAgain

    I don't like Mitt any more than you guys do, but that cover seems like a pretty cheap shot.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Oh c'mon. He's in politics. There's no such thing as cheap shots.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not to mention digitally enhanced (de-enhanced?)

    • elfgoldsackring

      I was a bit puzzled, then I realized this is not that Goldberg/Lopez fap-rag for fascist chubby chasers, it's the other one…

    • Inchhigh

      That was kind of my reaction. Christ, I'm prez of our union. If anyone took a pic of my face and blew it up like that, it could end the labor movement.

      • MittBorg

        Most people don't seem to mind giant closeups of kitteh faces.

        • Inchhigh

          The mousebits caught in my whiskers are way scary.

    • Negropolis

      Compared to the shit the conservative media has done to the president and his family, I won't be shedding a single tear for the use of a single, unflattering portrait. This little thing isn't even close to being even.

    • DarwinianDemon

      And he wants to cut my aunt and cousin's healthcare, nullify my friend's marriage and cut medicare. I'm not going to shed a tear because someone posted a picture that shows he's got wrinkles like most older people do.

    • ttommyunger

      Oh, for fuck's sake, lets all play nice now, right? We're just playing for marbles here, aren't we?

  • nicnack74

    It's ironic that this is a photograph, because this is the most animated I've ever seen him.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I take it that The New Republic doesn't like Mitt.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That's nothing — they'll be releasing portraits of the whole Romney family in future issues.

    • DemmeFatale


    • MittBorg


    • Loaded_Pants

      They made a mistake. #9 is obviously Callista (unless she's one of Mitten's wives).

    • Dudleydidwrong

      So that's what holy underwear looks like. Thanks, but I'll stick with Haines.

  • slowhansolo

    Fuck the pores.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      That's as awesome as it gets.

  • widestanceshakedown

    Why is he wearing Jan Brewer's face?

    • SheriffRoscoe


    • Loaded_Pants

      Face off?

  • TeaNuts

    Zombie ALERT!

  • gurukalehuru

    $250 million smackers, I expect that fucker to have absolutely perfect teeth. Or is that all part of his man of the people image?

  • LettucePrey

    the famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force one,” The New Republic

    You forgot "famous for its plagiarism scandals and inability to fact-check," also, too.

  • proudgrampa

    Holy Crap. Dat dood UGLY.

  • johnnyzhivago

    Is that a tear?? Or a xanthalasma??? Plastic surgeons can fix those things, you know.

    Better get your triglycerides checked.

  • Extemporanus

    Right back where ya left off, eh Jim?

  • Chillwillard

    Boy, Ken Doll really needs a facelift.

  • MissTaken

    Thank you for the reminder to reapply sunscreen. I knew Wonkette was helpful!

  • Midway117

    Mittbot should know that you NEVER touch your face after handling money!

  • CountryClubJihadi

    It's like Lyle Waggoner getting fucked by a terrifying tree face from the garden supply store.

  • chascates

    Speaking of PERFECT people (via WaPo):
    In an interview with Bloomberg TV airing this weekend, asked to name the most conservative candidate left in the GOP field, she told Al Hunt, “I was. I was the perfect candidate … America had their chance with the perfect candidate.”

    • ThundercatHo

      Which she-thing was it One-L or Tundra Grifter?

  • DeeJayKitteh

    Horrible timing. If you posted this yesterday, it would have saved me about 1 billion calories of super-unhealthy Super Bowl food.

  • lochnessmonster

    Stop frightening me like this! I hate monkeys…he looks like one close up!

  • Nostrildamus

    You cannot hide. I see you. There is no life in the void. Only death.

    • MosesInvests

      Now they are the Nazgul-neither living nor dead.

  • MissTaken

    I think that is the map to the Knights Templar treasure underneath his left eye. Either that or Morse code for "I like to fire people".

    • MittBorg

      Looks more like xanthelesmata, as another commenter pointed out, and there's a correlation to heart disease.

      • Loaded_Pants

        How can you have heart disease when….fuckit, you know what I'm getting at.

        • MittBorg

          Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they installed one in Mittbot V2.0 and I hope it absolutely verkakte plotzes in the middle of his Nom-Nom-Nom acceptance speech.

  • slowhansolo

    His teeth remind me of a Bedrock skyline.

    • smokefilledroommate

      The white cliffs of Dover..

      • slowhansolo

        Teeth like Stonehenge, nose like a bridge abutment.

        • Negropolis

          More like a flying butress.

  • weej_bain

    After the Morton Salt ad meme…

    If Mittens reigns, shit pores

  • mavenmaven

    This is like Republican porno.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Ol' scrotum face.

  • lochnessmonster

    And, you'd think that with all his money he'd be able to have his teef fixed…or does that make him look like Everyman?

  • MissTaken

    $250 million could buy a lot of Botox. I'm just sayin'.

  • lizcolville


    • SorosBot

      Oh great, it's taken Jim just one day back to break one of the new editors.

      • Guppy

        I believe it's referred to as "breaking the cutie."

        • SorosBot

          A TV Tropes link? What, are you trying to get everyone to waste hours and hours of time?

          • Guppy

            Encouraging time-wasting on the Wonkett? Never.

  • slowhansolo

    Indy: Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?
    Salaah: Mittens' eyebrow, very dangerous. You go first.

  • fuflans

    well i guess we know what happened to ron paul's eyebrows now.

  • Callyson

    And I won't be needing dinner tonight after all…
    …I will, however, need quite a few drinks…

  • BlueStateLibel

    Holy Joseph Smith, if that's what clean Mormon living will do for you, someone pour me a whiskey.

    • ElPinche

      Apparently, mormon's live like pirates. This pic makes Keith Richards look like a 14 yr old disney starlett.

  • Wadisay

    This image is to the GOP in 2012 what the Shepard Fairey/Hope poster was to the Dems in 2008.

  • ElPinche

    What's with the pic of the sweaty underside of a baboon's balls?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I think I'm going to tell my kids this is what's hiding under their beds if they give me any shit.

    Bonus: now I know what my Halloween mask is going to be!

  • ElPinche

    Apparently Mormons have to use "magical toothpaste"

  • fuflans

    also, TNR, i think it's fair to say sarah palin has ruined pretty much everything she's been involved with – except grifting of course.

    • KaneKoloth

      so much Snark you should belong to the Thundercats!!!

      It wouldn't be TNR if they didn't have a their monthly Palin snipe. It's pathological.

  • bflrtsplk

    That photo calls for those special Rowdy Roddy Piper They Live special alien detection sunglasses. Now where did I put mine, dammit!

  • owhatever

    He makes ladies' tongues wiggle with anticipation. But what's with the teeth? Is he English?

  • rickmaci

    Yikes! Shades of Nixon. Mittens needs a new make up person in the advance team.

  • Troglodeity

    Needz moar Bain de Soleil.

  • rocktonsam

    this is what $$$$ can do to your looks kids

  • beezie687

    geez, what the hell did Mitt ever do to TNR? Imma save this picture for camping trips, it's way scarier than the hook on the door of the car.

  • 40 or 50 % McShineys

    Mormon Jeesus, was Mitt caught in a fire in Nevada?? Did he just come out of the desert covered in sand??

    Women should be terrified: that is the grittiest looking douche you've ever seen.

  • KaneKoloth

    It wouldn't be an issue of TNR without their monthly anti-Palin snipe (see lower left corner).

  • nforderhase

    The latest cover of The New Repblic is grotesque, making Romney into a monster. I am appalled, and absolutely hate it. Why did they do this?

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    Michael Ignatieff is an incompetent halfwit. Canada's Martha Coakley.

    • sezme

      Yes, nice to see him back to typing words no one will ever read for a living.

    • Negropolis

      I thought he was Canada's John Kerry?

      Man, a lot of shitty Democratic politicians come from Mass, don't they? I hear people pushing Deval Patrick for prez down the line, and I just don't understand it. None of them are ever bad people, but they just make bland politicians.

  • JackObin

    He's an even bigger asshole closeup. One would think a billion dollars would allow some brow trimming. Perhaps those ridiculous Mormons prohibit that as well.

    • sezme

      Speaking of which, I've seen more attractive close-ups of real assholes.

  • Isyaignert

    You'd think with his vast fortune, Willard could afford to get his teeth fixed and brows waxed; oh and to use some moisturizer once in a while. That's one fugly dude.

  • C_R_Eature

    Wow, from here it almost looks real!

    Tangentially-Related Topic: Americans for Prosperity has just dropped a huge "Happy Birthday President Reagan" Ad buy on The Weather Channel. It's like 3 minutes of Sunny, Optimistic "Morning-in-America" schtick Reagan speeches (In Living Color) intercut with grainy B&W footage of Obama saying "We're in trouble", It's not Class Warfare" (cut to footage of OWS Riot). Slick. Total Propaganda.

    What the Koch's don't realize is that all this Reagan Hagiography does make Obama look bad, sure but it makes Romney look one helluva lot Worse. Mittens is about the most unappealing candidate since Gus Hall and he sure isn't able to run on Optimism. Obama is, in fact running on optimism.
    It's Half-Time in America, Folks.

  • GregComlish

    I thought he was made of plastic

  • Designer_Rants

    Technological Advancement, you can have your Hi-res back.

  • DahBoner

    "a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama"

    Congratulations! You've just invented the perfect anti-LSD commercial….

  • zappadoo76

    This guy, the scary one in the pictures, also wears magic underwear.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Mangina Dentata.

  • BZ1

    Isn't that Tricky Dick?

  • Negropolis

    All that fuckin' money in Bloomfield-fickin-Hills private prep boarding Cranbrook and bad teeth. At least I have an excuse.

    BTW, his wikipedia page concerning his time at Cranbrook through middle and high school bemoans that he was "the lone Mormon and where many students came from even more privileged backgrounds." Boo-'effin'-hoo; poor, little rich boy.

  • Inchhigh

    Oh,oh, look what they found when Corporate America had its last colonoscopy!

  • ttommyunger

    Meh. All men look that way.

    • Negropolis

      Speak for yourself. lol

      • ttommyunger

        Grrrrrr. No, wait, you're right!