CPAC is this week! Have you bleached your American flag yet? Your Wonkette has and is looking forward to attending the world’s greatest annual conservative conference later this week. But until then: The pre-parties: What are they? Let’s take a look at the invitation someone forwarded us to this thing, the The Paul Weyrich Awards Dinner — Wednesday night! — which “honors those who have made a major contribution to advancing the cause of liberty through organizations and media and whose work reflects beliefs, principles and convictions that are harmonious with Paul’s own values.” Yet K-Lo only gets one nomination? We’re picking winners right now.
FIRST CATEGORY: Media Person of the Year! We’re pulling for Jizzy.
SECOND CATEGORY: Internet monster of the year. This is an easy selection. (Sorry, Erick and the third thing.)
THIRD CATEGORY: Best local overseer. Let’s go for the Mexican-ish one.
FOURTH CATEGORY: Fappiest tycoon. Are Foster Friess as tasty as Freedom Friess? There’s only one way to find out. Sorry, Kochsucker.
There are some other categories but they’re not total self-parody level funny.
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Who is Breibart going to molest this year without Riley to attack?
Uh, Jim Newell?
James O'Keefe?
All of them, Katie?
"But, no matter who wins here tonight, we can take comfort in knowing that we're all losers."
The Special Olympics of douchebaggery.
Erickkk the Rude and no Jennifer "My Love for Mitt Burns Like Herpes" Rubin? Jenny is so tough she bites the right wings off of live chickens, because "she hates the left wings."
Best Furry of the Year?
Bachmann, before she waxes.
One L or M?!
Kathryn Jean by a hair.
Of her chinny chinny chin.
Koch, Friess, and Culpepper?
Are those nominees, or the Weyrich Awards dinner menu in its original German?
Nein, Nein, Nein!
Nikki Haley for sure! I called down there yesterday and the person who answered said it was a great day in S.C. – which beats the hell out of being here in N.J.
Good Job Nikki – KEEP IT UP! Also thanks for helping GOP establishment candidate Mitt Romney win your state's primary!!!
But can you believe that passed over Chris Christie? He's gotta be the most prominent conservative in the US. Or is that what they meant by "prominent?"
FIFTH CATEGORY: Most annoying hypocrite.
Erick Erickson
So many candidates. So little time.
By now, Katie can give *us* the answer to that one…
I got yer perfect write-in candidate right HERE.
Imma real happy for you Republicans & imma let you finish, but my brah here had the most successful hostile-takeover-based commercial growth plan of all time.
OF ALL TIME!
So this is like the Razzies, right?
What, no Shrill Racist Asshole category, I mean, come on! There are so many to choose from here.
There are, however, sever several shrill racist asshole nominees – look at Sheriff Joe among the state & local politicians for example.
What, no Shrill Racist Asshole category, I mean, come on!
Weyrich's name is on the event. Or in other words, "uhm, all of them".
Again Breitbart's hemorrhoid fails to win, place, or show?
Also a shout out to Erick Erickson for admitting that the reason Republicans watch TV is to hopefully catch footage of people being maimed, tortured or killed.
Easy, Rush Limbaugh, it's the hairy back and palms that qualify him.
Paul is dead.
Paul is dead.
Paul is dead.
The best part of these awards? They remind us that this shithead is completely dead, worms have already picked his carcass clean, and the world is a better place.
I can't wait for the Cheney Prizes!
The award for fappiest blog of the year goes to….*tearing*….Andrew Breitbart for Big (fill in the blank)wood!
Jizz Guzzler, whoops, that's his "secret" blog.
The Foster Friess has always had the best ice cream cones. Definitely my pick!
And here I thought Foster Friess were prepared with Australian beer in place of oil.
Not in California. Here it's ice cream cones made with aborted fetuses. Nom nom yum.
http://fostersfreeze.com/
You trying to make me hungry here? Mmm fetus flavor…
(Also it's too bad Barb's not here for that).
They call him 'Bananas'.
I thought it was "Mister"?
I'm voting Nikki Haley, because she had the common sense to change her race from Asian to White. Conservatives need this kind of innovative thinking to catapult us forward into the 18th century.
And it is a great day in South Carolina!
Plus she sleeps around. Always a plus in Conservative circles.
I'm reminded of the old saying: "A slut is a girl who enjoys sex but just won't have it with you."
Silly! Indians are Aryans and you know who else was Aryan????
Bobby Jindel?
Uriah Heep?
Norwegian death metal bands?
That old Leno quote: "Politics is just show business for ugly people" has never been more true. Esp. for K-LO…shudder
If that's true then how did Leno get into show business?
Certainly not by being funny.
Second Amendment Award of the Year
Jared Lee Loughner
Anders Behring Breivik
Benjamin Colton Barnes
Aren't they all way rich?
Well some of them are just the rubes tricked into voting against their own economic interests.
Heed The Great Weyrich!
They are good! They are wise! They know all! They see all!
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE CRONYISM GRAVY-TRAIN BEHIND TEH CURTAIN!
THE GREAT WEYRICH HAS SPOKEN!
Where is Orly's name? She is surely gnawing her way through the paper bag (that someone hopefully threw over her head) to insist on staking her claim as a Noteable Looptard for the conservative ages.
She'll be adding these douchebags to her suit, too. The only question: which font to use?
Or which fonts not to use?
How appropriate that name of the right's media award honors their dedication to running things they way the rich want.
CPAC “Person of the year” could only be:
“Guns” with “Bible(KJV)” as runner up.
Anyone else remember when Weyrich started the Heritage Foundation and the "Christian Right" as a response to the feds not funding Bob Jones "university" due to their policy of expelling folks for "race-mixing"?
Satire is dead. Long live satire.
I will be present to accept the Preacher Griz of the Year Award (interblogger Prophet subcategory) and intend to Praise God and the Lord in my acceptance ceremony for this well-deserved recognition
!! GIL!! PTL!!!
What? No mention of the Commodore computer that churns out the same talking points for the right, year after year?
Wow. I thought our current Wonkette overlords were brave with the debate live-blogging but this new guy is actually, physically going to CPAC. This Jim guy must be like the Green Lantern or something.
"…advancing the cause of liberty…"
Best New Freedom"?
- need costly voter ID to vote
- PATRIOT Act renewed
- fewer teachers
"Most Pointless Medical Procedure"?
- sonograms before abortion
- drug testing for unemployment
- repeal Obamacare
"Cutest Jailbird"?
- James O'Queef
- John Ensign
- Joe Walsh
My first thought was where is the Douche Bag of the Galaxy award but with so many people that are incredibly qualified how could one decide between them?
Yay, Jim "Jim Newell" Newell is back!!!!
LOL at "New Media Person of the Year"
(Long time ago, at Sadly, No!)
~
Lou Sarah shunned again by the lame stream conservative award committee….
Foster Freiss?
I used to love him on those Dean Martin Roasts. He did a great impersonation of drunk!
No category for biggest gasbag? Lots of candidates lining up…
I tried to Google "Paul Weyrich" and got "Did you mean Reinhard Heydrich?"
May all the nominees enjoy the golden showers they deserve.
What? Rush not nominated for Media Person of the Year? Stand by for the fat boy rant in 3…2…1….
GASP!
That's so unfair!
Gee, you just defend ONE little teeny-tiny fascist slavery-pimping mass-murdering child rapist on your show as being victimized by Obama, & suddenly somehow you're not a living meat-based metaphor for human perfection any more or something.
Fickle much?!?!?!?
And the Lifetime Asshole Award goes to…
ALL OF THEM, KATIE!
See? They are all wieners!
Oliver North?
Weyrich: "I don't want everybody to vote…" pretty well says it all
I agree with all except the last selection. I could use some Coal Pepper in my sandwich!
According to Wicca Pee Dee A (so it must be so) Nikki Haley "finished first in the four-way" that was part of the qualifying action for the Weyrich Awards thingy. Question is, of course, who were the others in this qualifying "four-way"? All wimmen? Nikki and three mens? Will it be on YouTube? I always believed that "real men finish last" so somebody must have been really working with Nikki to get her to finish first. After the Big O she probably dropped out and watched the other three.
I once finished first in a four-way, but I was able to recoup and go again.
Byron York for most obnoxious 1920's middle hair part, Mark Levin for nasal squawk never-laid of the century
Isn't Gingrich in the running for anything, maybe Most Feet in Mouth?
Silly girl! He won the 'Man with the Most Wives who isn't Mormon' category.
nom, nom,nom
The Duggar woman is one of the confirmed speakers. I hope everybody else with chilluns got their on-site daycare reservations in early.
And a lifetime achievement award to Karen Santorum for "Latest Abortion."
"New Media" is the name they call the internets? Cute!
So I had to google John Gizzi, and the first image looked like a guy with a future career in some sort of niche porn (ie prison rape) and I was all "Yeah! Fap city!" But then I scrolled down a bit……
I am all aheeby-jeeby as the awards draw near, for fear that our Muslin President from Kenya will send in SEAL Team Six to kill us all and stifle any dissent of his reign of terror. I was looking forward the Monster Hoveround race.
…so through these nods, are they supposed to transform Obama's O into a huge circle jerk?
CPAC
OFFICIAL SCHEDULE OF EVENTS
FEB. 10-12, 2012
FRIDAY, FEB. 10, 2012
5-7 p.m.—Opening cocktail hour. Cocktails and more cocktails! The Crew Club. Free admission with your credential!
7-9 p.m.—Opening social reception. Mingling and Networking Time! Appetizers, and more cocktails! The Eagle, New York Avenue. Free admission for everyone!
9–11 p.m.—Special Opening Night Welcoming Reception. The House on C Street! Appetizers, lots of finger food, and cocktails. Free admission!
I would like to see Joan Rivers on the red carpet: "So? Whose fetus are you wearing?"
CPAC
OFFICIAL SCHEDULE OF EVENTS
FEB. 10-12, 2012
SATURDAY, FEB> 11, 2012
9-11 a.m.–Morning Brunch. Featured Speakers: Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Don Sherwood, Duke Cunningham. Topic: "Today's Changing GOP and A New Breed of Leaders."
11-Noon—Special Democratic Guest Speaker, Barney Frank, for the Morning Lecture, "Today's Changing Democratic Party and It's Top Leaders."
Noon-2 p.m.–Working Lunch. Lecture, "How the GOP Can Reach Out to New Constiuents and Untraditional Members," Nathan Lane, Tommy Tune, Elton John and Ellen Degeneres are the Featured Speakers.
2-3 p.m.—Game Time! Naked Twister and Strip Poker, in the "Sin Room," off the Main Ballroom, Room 69, Level X.
3-4 p.m.–Afternoon Lecture: "The GOP and the New Ethical Environment," Jack Abrahoff, Lobbyist.
4-5 p.m.—Afternoon Cocktail Hour, Main Ballroom. Finger food, cocktails and appetizers.
Best Imitation of a Human
Mitt Romney
Dick Cheney
Ron Paul voters
The Paul Weyrich Awards Dinner?
This entire concept appears, in my view, to be inconsistent with the consumption of food.
Paul Weyrich is a Bushie who should be in jail, right? In that context, these nominations actually makes a lot of sense.
I mean, really, Scott Walker?
"We're pulling for Jizzy." Cracking up!!!
NEWELL you are TOO MUCH and I am so happy you are BACK!!!
Just once in my life I want to attend a CPAC where one of these fools is awarded the Lee Atwater Brain Tumor Award.
Oh, way to GO, Wonkeratti! http://www.weyrichawards.org/ is down now!
It's up again. I just signed up Reinhard Heydrich, in Bunker A, 666 Obersturmfuhererstrasse, Berlin Germany. I hope the tickets arrive on time.
Re: State or Local Elected Official of the Year
When that one gets presented is when I'm hoping another earthquake hits DC and the earth under the podium opens up and swallows the winner. I don't care who's up there when it happens, as long as at least one of them is dropped into the earth's molten core.
….All of them, Katie.
CPAC
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
CPAC RELEASES SCHEDULE OF EVENING ACTIVITIES
FOR CPAC CONFERENCE, FEB. 10-12, 2012
FRIDAY NIGHT
9-11 P.M.–Movie, Room 69, Hallway X, "La Cage Aux Folles." Participation encouraged!
11 p.m.–Midnight—Naked Chocolate Pudding Wrestling, Room 13, Hallway XX. The Original Naked Chocolate Pudding Wrestling Matches, Made Famous By CPAC, With Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter!
Midnight–3 a.m.–Special Penthouse Party, hosted by Larry Flynt. Featuring Naked Twister, Strip Poker, Live Male and Female Dancers, Edible Underwear Eating Contest, Whiskey Shot Contests, Beer Pong, and the Famous Special Orgy Room.
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