ALSO A KENYAN  1:21 pm February 6, 2012

British Lizard Queen Celebrates 60 Earth Years of Oppression

by Wonkette Jr.

Our undead king of shit and his Queen Highness, from the Sea Planet.Is everyone super excited about the “Diamond Jubilee” of America’s queen of hearts, Elizabeth II? They should be, after her exciting performance at yesterday’s American football spectacular “half time.” Here is the well-known story we all recite to ourselves each night before flogging our own flesh with a thorny wooden portrait of Our Queen: Sixty years ago in a Kenyan treehouse, the reptilian beast-demon known as Princess Elizabeth took part in a loathsome ritual involving swords and cups and other such things. “Liz” — short for “Lizard” — had spent the previous day drunk with a prince-ling, surrounded by herds of bewitched elephants. This is literally what happened, when she became our Queen Mum.

Let’s have the Queen’s own news service, the BBC, tell the rest of the tale:

The pair were relaxing at a game-viewing lodge, at the now-famous Treetops Hotel just over 100 miles (165km) from Nairobi. Elizabeth had spent the day of 5 February taking cine films of elephants at a nearby watering hole before retiring with the Duke of Edinburgh to their cabin high up in the trees. They spent the night surrounded by wild animals.

Historians still disagree on whether Alesteir Crowley presided over this ritual “black mass.”

In the days since, there have been many highlights — there was the time she had her daughter-in-law murdered in Paris, for consorting with Arabs, and then there was the time fellow Kenyan Barack Obama presented his Queen with an iPhone full of American Marxist Negro Field Hollers, and then there was something or other with the other children, who were all born terribly deformed. Perhaps in the next sixty years, one of those children will become queen himself!

Here is a video from the last Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth, in 1977:

What is the key to the Alien Witch Queen’s long life? Corgis. Elizabeth has consumed 30 corgi dogs in her monstrous life, or one for every 24 months she has spent on the Throne. Corgis typically live for 15 years or more. God help us, everyone! [Article about the Queen's Corgis]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 110 comments }

nounverb911 February 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

England, where any little boy can grow up to be queen.

V572 & friends February 6, 2012 at 1:29 pm

where any little boy can grow up to be a queen.

//fixed, thanks to Kim Philby, & etc.

GOPCrusher February 6, 2012 at 2:37 pm

FREDDIE MERCURY LIBEL!!1!

the_onceler February 6, 2012 at 1:24 pm

What exactly was the Queen doing in Kenya and where was Barack Obama? Freerepublic should get on the case immediately?

WhatTheHeck February 6, 2012 at 2:04 pm

and why wasn’t the Queen included in Orly Taitz’s lawsuit?

savethispatient February 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Well, it was before Obama was born… but Prince Charles: famous for sticky-out ears and Barack Obama: famous for sticky-out ears… CALL MAURY POVICH, PATERNITY TEST REQUIRED, STAT!

smitallica February 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I wondered where W was in that picture. Then I realized he was hiding under Her Majesty's hat. From terrists.

Advn2rgirl February 6, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Here's the crazy bit: that's at the Jamestown Festival Park, in the restored colonial village. I used to walk backwards there for money as an interpreter. Former Governor and DNC Chair Tim Kaine is to the left of Evil Overlord Dick Cheney.

Pointless trivia of the day? Shirley "Little Dove" Custalow, who does costumed interpretation in the Indian Village, is the Mattaponi woman upon whose face the Disney Pocahontas was modeled. Her father, Chief Daniel Webster Custalow, was also employed there until his death.

MightySix February 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

As a full-on history nerd your pointless trivia delights my soul.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:25 pm

You Are There, starring Advn2rgirl as Zombie Edward R. Murrow.

nounverb911 February 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"America’s queen of hearts,"
Needs more "Manchurian Candidate".

OC_Surf_Serf February 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Betty Windsor is still winning her competition with Elton as the Oldest English Queen…

MightySix February 6, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Betty Windsor? Betty Don't!

OneDollarJuana February 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Why is the Queen wearing a UFO on her head?

Blueb4sunrise February 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Where she hatches her corgis. (Corgi should indicate more than on corgae, shouldn't it?)

Blueb4sunrise February 6, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Gotta ask The Wonkette Latin Club.

Also……………
Imagining The Thing with Corgis instead of Huskies.

Generation[redacted] February 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Callyson February 6, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

MosesInvests February 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

'Elp, 'elp, Oi'm bein' repressed!

smitallica February 6, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Come see the violence inherent in the system!

UnholyMoses February 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Didn't we fight a war at some point so that we didn't have to give a shit about a bunch of inbred douchebags that amassed massive wealth and power by simply being born into the right family?

Or did my history teachers lie to me?

MOG2410 February 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm

We still have them, but now they are politicians instead of kings.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 6, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"Inbred douchebags that amassed massive wealth and power by simply being born into the right family."

Bush? Romney? Seems we've come full circle.

bagofmice February 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Ask a Koch.

elfgoldsackring February 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Yeah, how's that workin' out for ya?

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm

If our citizens have already put BushCo's Iraq War into the dustbin of history, how are we supposed to remember 1776?

DerrickWildcat February 6, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Those fancy guys with the spears invented gin.

tealsheart February 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

O

MightySix February 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Ummm–they're halberds, not spears—

NERD!

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Then God bless, THEM, not the queen.

OC_Surf_Serf February 6, 2012 at 1:29 pm

The lady in blue is the only one in that pic that may have a heart.

rickmaci February 6, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Not according to her now deceased daughter in law.

Chillwillard February 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

That twat.

Btw, I read "Lizard Queen" and I automatically assumed we were talking about Callista.

tealsheart February 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Diff is:
Dinosaur-lizard
Diamond-lizard
TRICKY

Baconzgood February 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Just who the fuck does this woman think she is? The queen of Eng…oh.

Blueb4sunrise February 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Do not want to click link to the Queen's Corgis.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Awesome Pistols youtuber.

And how long until our own Lizard Cheney takes her place in the White House?
~

bagofmice February 6, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I think the ritual involves becoming as heartless as her predecessor.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:33 pm

If that ever happens I can stop worrying about the Hemlock Society. That would do me in.

V572 & friends February 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Boy that royal wedding last summer was one heck of an event. Made you think it would be wonderful if we had another king like Reagan. What happened to his kids, anyway?

johnnyzhivago February 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Speaking of stupid, rich and fat Brittons, anyone catch Elton John in the Pepsi commercial on the Superbowl?

ThundercatHo February 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Yes, and I wanted to slap that Mariah bitch silly for daring to sing Aretha's song.

SorosBot February 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That whole thing was just embarrassing; is John that desperate for money?

ThundercatHo February 6, 2012 at 2:07 pm

He did play at Rush Limburger's wedding for a cool mil but I figured he used that money to buy his baby.

Baconzgood February 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN! I CAN DO ANY THING.

Not really. The queen hasn't had power in a really long time.

WhatTheHolyHeck February 6, 2012 at 2:21 pm

She still has the crazy mind control powers over the PM's cabinet ministers. The Minister of Education suggested that the citizens pay for the only gift appropriate for this occasion: a multi-million-pound yacht.

Clearly an aptitude for performing the British Jedi Mind Trick doesn't skip a generation, because there's no other way to explain Diana's consent to marry a cartoon elephant.

mavenmaven February 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Madonna looks good in that pic, blue is her color!

Extemporanus February 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I'm more looking forward to Her Majesty's Whore Diamond Jubilee.

johnnyzhivago February 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I know she's the fucking queen, but you think she would put something more than a bathrobe on to meet the Vice President of the USA.

Limeylizzie February 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I fucking hate the monarchy.

Signed.

Another British Elizabeth

Yours in Christ

widestanceshakedown February 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

My pants are dropped to her, sensible child.

bagofmice February 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Ehm, which direction?

Maman February 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Why do you hate England's milliners? They would starve without her.

ShaveTheWhales February 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm

And here I was sure you were this Junior.

MildMidwesterner February 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

The Queen's guards in the picture have not updated their wardrobe since 1582. Are they there to protect or to make the Queen appear modern?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Given that their armaments are equally up-to-date (and considering their less-than-awesome physical conditioning), I think it's safe to assume that "protection" is not part of the job description.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Their only job is to fill out the costumes. They're for the tourists, not the terrorists. What do you want to be Darth Cheney took one of those helmets home?

SorosBot February 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm

The only British Queen that I care about hasn't been the same since their lead singer died in 1991.

banana_bread February 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Hear, hear!

snoopyfan2010 February 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Best….post….ever! Pero me gusta ser americana.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Hey, at least we now know who Obama's real mother is.

Goonemeritus February 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Make fun of Her Majesty if you will but who among you could pull off wearing that hat as well as her?

widestanceshakedown February 6, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Closest she's been to Dick since forever.

paris biltong February 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

The press was barred from reporting stuff like that in those days, but they actually retired to their treetop cabin and "fucked like wild animals". Meanwhile, whatever happened to her sister Maggie and her Lord Snowedunder? I once ran into him at intermission at some benefit performance in London and he nodded at me as if he was supposed to know who I was. Or maybe he was just trying to score. Also, I'm now so old that I vaguely remember seeing Liz and Philip when she was still a princess. So much for my intermittent contacts with royalty.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Maggie was done in by cigarettes, followed by the martini. After her lung cancer surgery she supposedly became a full-blown alcoholic. Snowedunder was most recently in the news for fathering a child with an editor of — get this — Country Life magazine (how veddy British) while under a marriage contract elsewhere.

MissTaken February 6, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Be happy she's still alive and kicking because it will be Queen Horseface soon enough.

MiniMencken February 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Once a Queen, always a Queen, but once a night is enough! There, somebody had to post that.

HamsterSandwich February 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Well, the good news is, according to a recent blurb on The Independent out of the UK, I'm not the lush that many have accused me to be, at least not using Her Majesty's standards.

- – - According to Margaret Rhodes, the Queen's cousin, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s alcohol intake never varies. She takes a gin and Dubonnet before lunch, with a slice of lemon and a lot of ice. She will take wine with lunch and a dry Martini and a glass of champagne in the evening.

DaRooster February 6, 2012 at 2:58 pm

It seems to be serving her well… longevity wise… I am sure my 3 shots of whiskey and 2 beers directly after my workout will really pay off.

ThundercatHo February 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I get it that Corgis are cute and all but they can't make very good guard dogs. If it were me, I'd have a pack of Dobermans. Fuckin' Cheney wouldn't be getting so chummy then, would he?

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Did you ever mess with a corgi? You could maybe reason with a Doberman, but a corgi can attack viciously and at random.

actor212 February 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm

That's so unfair, calling her a lizard queen, when you know lizard queens have tongues.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Clearing brush, probably. (This was before fires cleared the brush from half the state.)

johnnyzhivago February 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Question for the fashionistas…. Does the Queen have her clothes custom made, or is there some kind of shop or mail order house that specializes in apparel for patients in geriopsychiactric institutions?

Dudleydidwrong February 6, 2012 at 2:23 pm

L L Beanfart, purveyor of yesterday's clothes to yesterday's monarchy for 900 years, give or take a few.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 6:09 pm

She's outlived both of the designers who fashioned her "look." (Hardy Amies and Norman Hartnell) She now directs younger designers to run things up for her, as they say, based on directions she provides when she's not blasting that hippety hoppy the urban American president gave her.

bagofmice February 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm
MozakiBlocks February 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm

She looks rather spiffy in that outfit, I must say.

CapnFatback February 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm

"People of England, we are no longer continent!"

smoothmineral February 6, 2012 at 1:59 pm

First of all, False President Barry Soetoro give his Kenyan Queen an iPod full of not just American Negro Field Hollers, but also an audio book of the communist writings, Rules for Rebels by Saul Alinsky.

Secondly, what in the name of Ronald Reagan is a Corgi Dog? Is that what libruls call it when they put aborted babies in a bun with some arugula and eat them?

ThundercatHo February 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm

*golf clap* for Corgi Dog

BZ1 February 6, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Hey no snark here, go after the dark lord beside the old woman, that's the real story…

Preacher_Griz February 6, 2012 at 2:10 pm

hawt!!!

CessnaDriver February 6, 2012 at 2:12 pm

This is when I decided that the repiglicans were just too nuts to be involved in government:

Shortly after taking office, the Reagan administration brought into the White House consultants who taught the women who worked there how to properly curtsy to the Queen.

Hey, St. Ronnie: Americans to not curtsy to royalty.

They whine when Obama bowed to a king, but not a peep out of them when one of theirs holds hands with a King or bows to Hirohito's coffin.

Schmannnity February 6, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Thank goodness that is a 2007 pic. Cheney looks quite lifelike there.

mrblifil February 6, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Makes one pine for the days of the Blitz.

PubOption February 6, 2012 at 2:25 pm

She didn't consume all those corgi's, Princess Anne's pit bull ate one of them.

KeepFnThatChicken February 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Wow. There is no gig the SCA won't turn down. But you have to put up with the perfunctory lecture about how bad life was back then — or the prick who keeps saying your garb isn't period.

MightySix February 6, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Yeah, but have ever been drinking with them after a day full of sword-swinging and stuff? Damn! I thought forestry majors could put it away.

stanpan February 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I saw Darth Cheney walking with the Queen, doing the Werewolves of London.

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm

And what's left of his hair was perfect.

owhatever February 6, 2012 at 2:46 pm

She is an elite European socialist who lives in a castle, gets free health care and an income for life, and wants to foist the same elitist existence on the USofA. Long live the Queen. Cheney, not so much.

Isyaignert February 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I always want to ask Cheney The Dick how that gubbmit socialist health care thinggy is working out for him.

DaRooster February 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I see the guards… where are the flying monkeys?

fuflans February 6, 2012 at 3:33 pm

HAHAHAHA we get to choose ours and our choice was george w. bush.

twice.

Nostrildamus February 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Liquor cabinet, here I come.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 3:58 am

It hurts because it's true.

Isyaignert February 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I can't see her shoes too clearly in the picture, but I'm sure they're the same gawd-awful sensible oxford old lady POS that she always wears. They seriously ruin her outfits that she (the Brits) spend a fortune on.

Someone should send Queenie new shoes for her birthday – like Stuart Weitzmans – they're elegant and comfortable – http://www.stuartweitzman.com/womens-shoes/pumps/….

chascates February 6, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Oh, in a hundred years or so all of America will be a giant theme park, like Britain is today, with animatronic figures of Ronald Reagan: every place he slept or shat will be celebrated and enshrined.

Pat_Pending February 6, 2012 at 4:56 pm

WHORE!

MinAgain February 6, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Please tell me that Liz isn't going to make Cheney a duke or anything. I mean, he's already a Dick…isn't that close enough?

Guppy February 6, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Will there be the ceremonial feeling-up of the FLOTUS?

chascates February 6, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Today is also Ronald Reagan's 101st birthday, other than the fact he's rotting in a crypt in California. In his honor consider stopping by homeless people begging on street corners and stealing their signs.

johnedens February 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Most unlikely Ren Fest visitors – evah!

Jukesgrrl February 6, 2012 at 5:50 pm

See above Smitallica has already determined W. is hiding under her hat.

Barrelhse February 6, 2012 at 6:32 pm

60 years on the throne.
I hope she would occasionally give it a "courtesy flush."

rickmaci February 6, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Some really ugly head gear in that pic. And the guys with the helmets aren't looking that good either.

Negropolis February 7, 2012 at 3:49 am

and then there was the time fellow Kenyan Barack Obama presented his Queen with an iPhone full of American Marxist Negro Field Hollers

That's some top-shelf snark, right there.

Just can't get over an old German and her endearingly racist Danish-Grecian husband heading up the British monarchy.

ttommyunger February 7, 2012 at 7:17 am

Captions, please? How are we supposed to know which of those old cunts is the Queen?

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