also a kenyan

British Lizard Queen Celebrates 60 Earth Years of Oppression

Our undead king of shit and his Queen Highness, from the Sea Planet.Is everyone super excited about the “Diamond Jubilee” of America’s queen of hearts, Elizabeth II? They should be, after her exciting performance at yesterday’s American football spectacular “half time.” Here is the well-known story we all recite to ourselves each night before flogging our own flesh with a thorny wooden portrait of Our Queen: Sixty years ago in a Kenyan treehouse, the reptilian beast-demon known as Princess Elizabeth took part in a loathsome ritual involving swords and cups and other such things. “Liz” — short for “Lizard” — had spent the previous day drunk with a prince-ling, surrounded by herds of bewitched elephants. This is literally what happened, when she became our Queen Mum.

Let’s have the Queen’s own news service, the BBC, tell the rest of the tale:

The pair were relaxing at a game-viewing lodge, at the now-famous Treetops Hotel just over 100 miles (165km) from Nairobi. Elizabeth had spent the day of 5 February taking cine films of elephants at a nearby watering hole before retiring with the Duke of Edinburgh to their cabin high up in the trees. They spent the night surrounded by wild animals.

Historians still disagree on whether Alesteir Crowley presided over this ritual “black mass.”

In the days since, there have been many highlights — there was the time she had her daughter-in-law murdered in Paris, for consorting with Arabs, and then there was the time fellow Kenyan Barack Obama presented his Queen with an iPhone full of American Marxist Negro Field Hollers, and then there was something or other with the other children, who were all born terribly deformed. Perhaps in the next sixty years, one of those children will become queen himself!

Here is a video from the last Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth, in 1977:

What is the key to the Alien Witch Queen’s long life? Corgis. Elizabeth has consumed 30 corgi dogs in her monstrous life, or one for every 24 months she has spent on the Throne. Corgis typically live for 15 years or more. God help us, everyone! [Article about the Queen’s Corgis]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. the_onceler

    What exactly was the Queen doing in Kenya and where was Barack Obama? Freerepublic should get on the case immediately?

    1. savethispatient

      Well, it was before Obama was born… but Prince Charles: famous for sticky-out ears and Barack Obama: famous for sticky-out ears… CALL MAURY POVICH, PATERNITY TEST REQUIRED, STAT!

  2. smitallica

    I wondered where W was in that picture. Then I realized he was hiding under Her Majesty's hat. From terrists.

    1. Advn2rgirl

      Here's the crazy bit: that's at the Jamestown Festival Park, in the restored colonial village. I used to walk backwards there for money as an interpreter. Former Governor and DNC Chair Tim Kaine is to the left of Evil Overlord Dick Cheney.

      Pointless trivia of the day? Shirley "Little Dove" Custalow, who does costumed interpretation in the Indian Village, is the Mattaponi woman upon whose face the Disney Pocahontas was modeled. Her father, Chief Daniel Webster Custalow, was also employed there until his death.

        1. Blueb4sunrise

          Gotta ask The Wonkette Latin Club.

          Imagining The Thing with Corgis instead of Huskies.

  3. Generation[redacted]

    Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

    1. Callyson

      Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

  4. UnholyMoses

    Didn't we fight a war at some point so that we didn't have to give a shit about a bunch of inbred douchebags that amassed massive wealth and power by simply being born into the right family?

    Or did my history teachers lie to me?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Inbred douchebags that amassed massive wealth and power by simply being born into the right family."

      Bush? Romney? Seems we've come full circle.

  5. V572 & friends

    Boy that royal wedding last summer was one heck of an event. Made you think it would be wonderful if we had another king like Reagan. What happened to his kids, anyway?

      1. ThundercatHo

        He did play at Rush Limburger's wedding for a cool mil but I figured he used that money to buy his baby.

  6. Baconzgood


    Not really. The queen hasn't had power in a really long time.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      She still has the crazy mind control powers over the PM's cabinet ministers. The Minister of Education suggested that the citizens pay for the only gift appropriate for this occasion: a multi-million-pound yacht.

      Clearly an aptitude for performing the British Jedi Mind Trick doesn't skip a generation, because there's no other way to explain Diana's consent to marry a cartoon elephant.

  7. MildMidwesterner

    The Queen's guards in the picture have not updated their wardrobe since 1582. Are they there to protect or to make the Queen appear modern?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Given that their armaments are equally up-to-date (and considering their less-than-awesome physical conditioning), I think it's safe to assume that "protection" is not part of the job description.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Their only job is to fill out the costumes. They're for the tourists, not the terrorists. What do you want to be Darth Cheney took one of those helmets home?

  8. SorosBot

    The only British Queen that I care about hasn't been the same since their lead singer died in 1991.

  9. Goonemeritus

    Make fun of Her Majesty if you will but who among you could pull off wearing that hat as well as her?

  10. paris biltong

    The press was barred from reporting stuff like that in those days, but they actually retired to their treetop cabin and "fucked like wild animals". Meanwhile, whatever happened to her sister Maggie and her Lord Snowedunder? I once ran into him at intermission at some benefit performance in London and he nodded at me as if he was supposed to know who I was. Or maybe he was just trying to score. Also, I'm now so old that I vaguely remember seeing Liz and Philip when she was still a princess. So much for my intermittent contacts with royalty.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Maggie was done in by cigarettes, followed by the martini. After her lung cancer surgery she supposedly became a full-blown alcoholic. Snowedunder was most recently in the news for fathering a child with an editor of — get this — Country Life magazine (how veddy British) while under a marriage contract elsewhere.

  11. HamsterSandwich

    Well, the good news is, according to a recent blurb on The Independent out of the UK, I'm not the lush that many have accused me to be, at least not using Her Majesty's standards.

    – – – According to Margaret Rhodes, the Queen's cousin, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s alcohol intake never varies. She takes a gin and Dubonnet before lunch, with a slice of lemon and a lot of ice. She will take wine with lunch and a dry Martini and a glass of champagne in the evening.

    1. DaRooster

      It seems to be serving her well… longevity wise… I am sure my 3 shots of whiskey and 2 beers directly after my workout will really pay off.

  12. ThundercatHo

    I get it that Corgis are cute and all but they can't make very good guard dogs. If it were me, I'd have a pack of Dobermans. Fuckin' Cheney wouldn't be getting so chummy then, would he?

  13. johnnyzhivago

    Question for the fashionistas…. Does the Queen have her clothes custom made, or is there some kind of shop or mail order house that specializes in apparel for patients in geriopsychiactric institutions?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      L L Beanfart, purveyor of yesterday's clothes to yesterday's monarchy for 900 years, give or take a few.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      She's outlived both of the designers who fashioned her "look." (Hardy Amies and Norman Hartnell) She now directs younger designers to run things up for her, as they say, based on directions she provides when she's not blasting that hippety hoppy the urban American president gave her.

  14. smoothmineral

    First of all, False President Barry Soetoro give his Kenyan Queen an iPod full of not just American Negro Field Hollers, but also an audio book of the communist writings, Rules for Rebels by Saul Alinsky.

    Secondly, what in the name of Ronald Reagan is a Corgi Dog? Is that what libruls call it when they put aborted babies in a bun with some arugula and eat them?

  15. CessnaDriver

    This is when I decided that the repiglicans were just too nuts to be involved in government:

    Shortly after taking office, the Reagan administration brought into the White House consultants who taught the women who worked there how to properly curtsy to the Queen.

    Hey, St. Ronnie: Americans to not curtsy to royalty.

    They whine when Obama bowed to a king, but not a peep out of them when one of theirs holds hands with a King or bows to Hirohito's coffin.

  16. KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow. There is no gig the SCA won't turn down. But you have to put up with the perfunctory lecture about how bad life was back then — or the prick who keeps saying your garb isn't period.

    1. MightySix

      Yeah, but have ever been drinking with them after a day full of sword-swinging and stuff? Damn! I thought forestry majors could put it away.

  17. owhatever

    She is an elite European socialist who lives in a castle, gets free health care and an income for life, and wants to foist the same elitist existence on the USofA. Long live the Queen. Cheney, not so much.

    1. Isyaignert

      I always want to ask Cheney The Dick how that gubbmit socialist health care thinggy is working out for him.

  18. Isyaignert

    I can't see her shoes too clearly in the picture, but I'm sure they're the same gawd-awful sensible oxford old lady POS that she always wears. They seriously ruin her outfits that she (the Brits) spend a fortune on.

    Someone should send Queenie new shoes for her birthday – like Stuart Weitzmans – they're elegant and comfortable –….

  19. chascates

    Oh, in a hundred years or so all of America will be a giant theme park, like Britain is today, with animatronic figures of Ronald Reagan: every place he slept or shat will be celebrated and enshrined.

  20. MinAgain

    Please tell me that Liz isn't going to make Cheney a duke or anything. I mean, he's already a Dick…isn't that close enough?

  21. chascates

    Today is also Ronald Reagan's 101st birthday, other than the fact he's rotting in a crypt in California. In his honor consider stopping by homeless people begging on street corners and stealing their signs.

  22. rickmaci

    Some really ugly head gear in that pic. And the guys with the helmets aren't looking that good either.

  23. Negropolis

    and then there was the time fellow Kenyan Barack Obama presented his Queen with an iPhone full of American Marxist Negro Field Hollers

    That's some top-shelf snark, right there.

    Just can't get over an old German and her endearingly racist Danish-Grecian husband heading up the British monarchy.

Comments are closed.