Is everyone super excited about the “Diamond Jubilee” of America’s queen of hearts, Elizabeth II? They should be, after her exciting performance at yesterday’s American football spectacular “half time.” Here is the well-known story we all recite to ourselves each night before flogging our own flesh with a thorny wooden portrait of Our Queen: Sixty years ago in a Kenyan treehouse, the reptilian beast-demon known as Princess Elizabeth took part in a loathsome ritual involving swords and cups and other such things. “Liz” — short for “Lizard” — had spent the previous day drunk with a prince-ling, surrounded by herds of bewitched elephants. This is literally what happened, when she became our Queen Mum.
Let’s have the Queen’s own news service, the BBC, tell the rest of the tale:
The pair were relaxing at a game-viewing lodge, at the now-famous Treetops Hotel just over 100 miles (165km) from Nairobi. Elizabeth had spent the day of 5 February taking cine films of elephants at a nearby watering hole before retiring with the Duke of Edinburgh to their cabin high up in the trees. They spent the night surrounded by wild animals.
Historians still disagree on whether Alesteir Crowley presided over this ritual “black mass.”
In the days since, there have been many highlights — there was the time she had her daughter-in-law murdered in Paris, for consorting with Arabs, and then there was the time fellow Kenyan Barack Obama presented his Queen with an iPhone full of American Marxist Negro Field Hollers, and then there was something or other with the other children, who were all born terribly deformed. Perhaps in the next sixty years, one of those children will become queen himself!
Here is a video from the last Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth, in 1977:
What is the key to the Alien Witch Queen’s long life? Corgis. Elizabeth has consumed 30 corgi dogs in her monstrous life, or one for every 24 months she has spent on the Throne. Corgis typically live for 15 years or more. God help us, everyone! [Article about the Queen’s Corgis]