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Jim Newell Is Back, Writes ‘Failed Blogger Returns To Wonkette’ Headline

I'm sorry.Hello, humans. My name is Jim. I used to edit this stupid website for two or three years back when it was stupider, in The Roaring Twenties.

The publisher has let me come back and type idiot nonsense about American politics after my 20-month adventure sifting the New World for gold, silk, spices, pornography and Jonah Goldberg’s Crystal Skull. Ha no I just sat on my couch for 20 months and ate belly button lint and poop and cat heads.

Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Mumbletypeg

    my 20-month adventure sifting the New World … Ha no I just sat on my couch

    Jim. It's February. Around this time last year, Stuef landed squarely in Tokyo right as Tsunami Fever was breaking. Try a little harder next time. (Seriously, welcome back).

  2. memzilla

    Needs Moar Peggington Noonington!

    Her latest column is some blathering gin-and-Vicodin-fueled drivel about how Obama hates teh Catlicks and is imposing Sharia law on fetuses. Which is just more red meat for the proles to distract them from the Koch Bruddahs' continuing Rape 'N Pillage™ of us 99%.

    And welcome back!!!lebenty!!!

    1. SorosBot

      What is it, more of that bullshit claiming that telling Catholic-run hospitals and universities can't discriminate against female employees is somehow anti-Catholic prejudice? Fuck that shit; if you believe your invisible friend doesn't want anyone to use birth control, don't use it, but you don't get to try and force people who don't share your views (which includes the majority Catholics, just not the Church itself) to adhere to your moronic rules.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        And they could go ahead and limit it to adhere to their precious beliefs if they weren't sucking the sweet sweet teat of Federal funding – so I guess their beliefs aren't all that important to them at the end of the day. Let's see, early Christians suffered martyrdom happily according to my copy of the New Testament, but these assholes get their panties in a bunch over any threat to getting free monies? Not quite living up to tradition.

      2. memzilla

        Spot on, Soros & Bear.

        I don't know which pi**es me off more, the lying about Obama's position, the repression of women's rights to choose, the insidious nibbling at Roe v. Wade, or the red-herring-ness of using another invented issue to distract us all from the important things we should be doing.

        I choose all of the above, Katie.

        1. SorosBot

          And here they're not even dealing with abortion, just fucking birth control. They do want to get rid of Griswold v Connecticut, not just Roe v Wade.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Well the Pope's Prada slippers don't pay for themselves, you know! Oh, wait, they do . . . my bad.

    2. Lucidamente1

      We need to construct an algorithm that would determine how much and what Lady Noonington has had to drink before wriitng each column.

      1. Mahousu

        I tried writing one once, but it didn't work – just kept returning NaN.

        Come to think of it, maybe it was working.

        1. ManchuCandidate

          He's a black not all that liberal democrat and there is no way in hell Mr "In a closet" Turtle is going to give credit where credit is due because if Barry had done what the GOPer gubbiners did then we (and I mean all of us stuck in the economy of money not the fantasyland world of libertards or an economy built around frogs and chickens as currency) would have been fucked.

          1. PsycWench

            Well, the motivation wasn't hard. I'm more interested in how he's going to explain the fact that improvement was seen even in states with Democratic governors, and that they've tried so hard to make Obama own the economy that the about-face seems too obvious even for them.
            Or is it wrong to expect a frisson of logic here?

          2. BerkeleyBear

            Wrong, wrong, wrong – and you should know better by now. The GOP talking head apparatus is completely impervious to logic or consistency. This is what happens when you model your entire approach to elections on a guy with Alzheimer's who thought astrology was a legitimate science.

    1. SorosBot

      Well the Republican governors are responsible for the recovery being nowhere near as strong as it could have been if so many states hadn't slashed spending and laid off a whole bunch of civil servants; so he's right, from a certain point of view. That point of view being up his own ass.

  3. Salam Bombay

    I have been excited with anticipation for Newell's return to Wonkette since last evening. If that make me pathetic, so be it.

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    From Gawker back up to Wonkette…

    Jim, as my Grampa used to say: "When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane."

  5. fartknocker

    I love your position on Alaska. I've never met you but after witnessing your cartography skills, I am impressed.

    1. sezme

      Yes! Today might be unseemly, but soon, Jim, you must start supplying us with dirt about the nefarious Denton enterprise.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Be ready to have ChetKincaid dong gracing the Internet.

      Daulerio's gonna get ye! Daulerio holds grudges!

  6. DaRooster

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?"

    Delicious cat head recipes!!

  7. widestanceshakedown

    I find this post difficult to. . .oh, hell, just welcome back and glad you came to your senses, Jack.

  8. CapnFatback

    Whatever the story is, it better have one bitchin' Blingee.

    Oh, and Jim, for your edification: we can't say the wicked "r" word anymore, so that might limit your post subjects or cause you to invest in a new thesaurus.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      The thing I don't understand about this insanity is that I can write retard, which seems happily rude, but I cannot use the retard*d word in it's past tense. Sometimes retard isn't the word I need AT ALL. (see, down thread,

  9. prommie

    Madonna, Jim, we want Madonna, the oafish klutz who fell down, almost, twice, talk about her. I try to type idiot nonsense, myself, but you do it so much better, being a professional typer of idiot nonsense, so please type some idiotic nonsense about Madonna, so I can LOL and claim that I spurted liquids on my keyboard. I will leave the typing to you, while I practice my hobby of artisanal masturbation.

  10. chascates

    That 'Rembrandt of the Christian Reconstructions' has 2 new pieces of propaganda both featuring Obama.
    One of Obama standing (TRAMPLING!) on the U.S. Constitution as all the former Presidents observe, some approving (Democrats and the now-hated Teddy Roosevelt) and others, more godly & America hazing a sad.
    The other of Obama surrounded by chained Americans with dollar bills flying around. AND A SOLE CHICKEN WALKING AROUND!! What does it mean, oh Mighty Jim????

    Also, was or was not Rush Limbaugh picking his nose at the Super Bowl?

        1. CapnFatback

          WARNING: DO NOT GO TO BLAZE LINK IF YOU WISH TO KEEP YOUR BRAIN FROM ATROPHYING! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME, BUT I CAN SAVE OTHERS FROM . . . THE . . . *gurgle* . . . meedep . . . guuuuuuuuhhhhhhh . . .

        2. bagofmice

          'bammerz makin it rains
          While all these white folk are up in chains.

          Light from the sky above
          Shinin on current head of the gov.

          I never knew McNaughton was so gangsta.

    1. SorosBot

      Though it seems like the mainstream media is obsessed over M.I.A. possibly flipping the bird during her performance. Think of the children, and her their lives were ruined by seeing a woman's finger briefly make a gesture that's considered rude!

    2. Nothingisamiss

      Oh, Good Lord, it's a happy Monday morning indeed when we get Newell back AND another masterpiece of McNaughton art.

    3. SorosBot

      I just looked at the McNaughton painting and, along with lying about Franklin Roosevelt and claiming that his Depression-ending policies extended it, FDR is standing unassisted in the painting. History fail.

      1. chascates

        Apparently Invisible Space Giant restored his walking ability once he gained entrance to the Eternal Place of Hymn Singing!

        1. Biff

          Must be a MorMan. They say the infirm become firm, the incontinent become continent, the colored become white and "delightsome"…

    4. HistoriCat

      Look – that one guy is taking a hack saw to the chains! Bet that black man who is watching him will rat him out – poor Negro has been brainwashed into believing he's better off on the Democrat plantation than being freedumbed!

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    If Jim Newell returns, can Jim Crow be far behind? Ann Coulter lifted her tail and crapped three times this morning, so the answer is "yes."

  12. JackDempsey1

    There he is, let the verbal and nonverbal hazing begin.
    [This is known as "crossing paragraph B."]
    Note to D.C., NoVa, MD residents: confine yourselves to trunk/torso blows, less visible to the men in blue. Also, stay away from the fingers —– they are the journalistic "moneymakers."

    1. BerkeleyBear

      So the blanket party is on for tonight? Sweet – got my sock full of soap right here (although I don't think the liquid stuff works as well as those old bars of Ivory they used in Full Metal Jacket).

  13. paris biltong

    "Stupid," "idiots," "lunatics"? Take it easy, man! We've got important things to say here, not like at some other blogs you may have been associated with.

  14. SorosBot

    Jim, we promise to be better commenters than the ones over at Gawker; although that is a very, very easy promise to keep.

    1. widestanceshakedown

      To whom are our comments submitted for approval now? I have a really great pun, and it's essential that it post before noon.

  15. Schmannnity

    Modest suggestion: take your vacation during the birthday week of the youngest son of a former vice-presidential candidate from Alaska.

  16. bureaucrap

    Don't care too much about the articles as long as the pics/gifs show more skin. Hope you'll get right on that.

  17. tealsheart

    Welcome back and all that other stuff!
    Send me your 20 months of belly button lint, (I know you saved it), I'm making a cute blanket for my headless cat.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Wow…you sure know how to give a fella nightmares. I bet I dream of being chased by Palin-headed cats tonight.

  18. facehead

    Jimbo! Can I call you 'Jimbo'? OF COURSE I CAN IT IS THE INTERNET!

    So Jimmy, now that you're back, I'd like to hear some news about those gumdrop forests my mother was always talking about. Or maybe Riley? Yes, Riley, wtf is going on with Riley. That's mostly it.


    1. tealsheart

      Red hairs! I've heard some really-really-really toe curling rumors. Never mind repeating them, since this site deals only with the factuals

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Pete Hoekstra running again at all is all I need to know that there is evil in this world. That guy is a pure fucking nut.

      And if I'm Debbie Stabenow, I'm pointing at the recovery of the auto industry in Michigan, and saying "scoreboard, bitches." Not that the shitheads in Grand Rapids that Hoekstra's ad is pandering to will understand or care.

      1. Blueb4sunrise

        Yup. Even besides the rice paddy racism, the ad doesn't even come close to making sense.

        It's an appeal to those that remember the 'rice-burner' tag for import cars, uhhhhh,
        like 40 years ago when U.S. Auto started to tank.

  19. V572 the Merciless

    Hooray, Jim's back! Tell us how Ari Fleischer seized control of SG Komen. Or didn't, according to him. But watch what you say!

    1. prommie

      Hey, that was some amazingly excellent job of public relations consulting old Ari did, wasn't it? Most succesful rollout of a new policy ever, what ho?

      1. V572 the Merciless

        Ha ha, that’s why he’s disowning it. “All I did was tell them to call a crisis management firm,” AFTER he wiped out their fundraising ability for years to come.

  20. EatsBabyDingos

    Mr. Newell was staying in Washington, DouCee, (renamed for our favorite Fox Gnus beastiality, uhhh, personality, Steve Douchey) during his absence. He tried opening a new restaurant in Anacostia, the "Jim Crowbar Inn." Guess it didn't work out.

  21. Lucidamente1

    How can we not love the guy who wrote this the last time he tried to leave?:

    To the Wonkette Commentariat, for being the absolute most consistently hilarious group of one-liner writers on the Internet since forever. I’m not just being a fairy here: it’s kind of “Internet consensus” that Wonkette commenters are, without a doubt, the best on any blog on the Internet. Ask anyone (who isn’t dumb) and they will tell you this.

  22. TheRiverCharley

    Personally, I want you to write a story about how creeped out you are I followed you over here from Gawker.

  23. vulpes82

    Twenty months?!!? How DID you survive Gawker that long? Now, show us on the doll where Nick Denton touched you. This is a safe place.

    Also, PLEASE TO GIVE US DAME NOONINGTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. ThundercatHo

    Since it's Monday morning and your first day back how about something easy and always a crowd pleaser, Sarah Palin. The Daily Beast had an article about what a great mother she is because she has a handicapped child or some such puke. No way I was gonna click on that. Or Rush picking his nose on national television. Same thing.

    1. widestanceshakedown

      The photo at HuffPo is of Rush in the upper right corner and what appears to be Steven Tyler in the lower left corner, summarizing everything that is wrong with this nation.

  25. Come here a minute

    Fuck this, we already had a welcome back thread when Ken made the announcement. Give us jokes, content monkey!

  26. Terry

    Welcome back, Jim!

    I saw that Newtie is advocating spending like a drunken sailor. Who is his demographic? Denfense contracting companies? Did Reince Priebus neglect to send Newt a copy of the script?

  27. Nothingisamiss

    Despite what I'm thinking is a bad attitude in the above post, I am gloriously giddy that you're back!

    Gawker surely did not give you enough love.

    (Possibly better/more regular paychecks, but….)

  28. notreelyhelping

    Oh yeah…I remember: this is the snide/funny guy. The other one's the bitter/funny guy. Cool. Welcome back.

  29. johnnyzhivago

    Only other suggestion is to stay away from broad generalization – except proven ones like all conservatives are idiots or all Republican politicians are bloodsucking lizard people.

  30. Goonemeritus

    Welcome back Jim a timely piece comparing the leadership style of Sarah Palin and Vaclav Havel would be nice. BTW there are no failed bloggers only shortsighted advertisers and readers.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      After it got canceled for several years due to drunken Irishmen, the Chicago Southside Drunken Irish Parade is back on this year, because the organizers promised to stop being such drunken Irishmen. Since public drunkenness had always been the main point, we'll see how that works!

  31. Gopherit

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?"

    Aw, Jim, it's nice to see your Muse coming back to you after being stifled by those frauds over at Gawker.

    More like this, please:

  32. WhatTheHeck

    I don’t think you ever left, did you, Jim?
    So I can’t welcome you back in the true sense. Just carry on doing what you do and we’ll eat it up.

  33. Redhead

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?"

    All of them, Katie! Welcome back, ginger Jim!

  34. dipfan

    I'd like to pre-congratulate you on your next job (Buzzfeed Politics, sometime in August) and save time.

  35. thefrontpage

    I thought I was the only person who ate cat heads!

    By the way, they are delicious with A-1 sauce and Kraft American cheese slices.

  36. Extemporanus

    Welcome back to the party, Jim.

    I trust that you brought enough lightly salted poison rat dicks for everyone.

  37. ttommyunger

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?". I've got a craving flung on me for some deep fried Mitten Fuck-ups, scattered over a bed of Newt Bloviation served with the Shitbird Fraud Sauce. Pleeeeze.

  38. Allmighty_Manos

    I wasn't sure if that was "meh" or "meth" scribbled over America's heartland. Both are spot on observations.

  39. Buckminster

    I got all confused by your map, Jim. I have a bro-in-law named Dick who lives in Seward, AK and used to own a liquor store, so my egotistical brain thought, "He spent 20 months up at my brother-in-law's?

  40. Come here a minute

    Just came back and already breaking the rules — isn't that supposed to be, "Our name is Jim. We used to edit this stupid website…"?

  41. sezme

    Our long national nightmare is finally over. Welcome home, Jim-Bob. We will never let you leave again. [Cue ominous music]

  42. Jerri

    I get all my news from Wonkette and sugar packets from the Denney's, so I don't really care what you write about, Jim. I'm just glad you're back.

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