I'm sorry.Hello, humans. My name is Jim. I used to edit this stupid website for two or three years back when it was stupider, in The Roaring Twenties.

The publisher has let me come back and type idiot nonsense about American politics after my 20-month adventure sifting the New World for gold, silk, spices, pornography and Jonah Goldberg’s Crystal Skull. Ha no I just sat on my couch for 20 months and ate belly button lint and poop and cat heads.

Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Salam Bombay

    Woohoo! Bliss.
    Welcome back, Newell!

  • my 20-month adventure sifting the New World … Ha no I just sat on my couch

    Jim. It's February. Around this time last year, Stuef landed squarely in Tokyo right as Tsunami Fever was breaking. Try a little harder next time. (Seriously, welcome back).

  • HateMachine

    Let's not limit ourselves, I say any and all shitbird frauds are on the table.

    • memzilla

      There may not be enough Internet to do that.

    • bagofmice

      We're gonna need a bigger table.

    • HistoriCat

      I'm not sure whether to commend you or berate for not saying "All of them Katie."

  • memzilla

    Needs Moar Peggington Noonington!

    Her latest column is some blathering gin-and-Vicodin-fueled drivel about how Obama hates teh Catlicks and is imposing Sharia law on fetuses. Which is just more red meat for the proles to distract them from the Koch Bruddahs' continuing Rape 'N Pillage™ of us 99%.

    And welcome back!!!lebenty!!!

    • SorosBot

      What is it, more of that bullshit claiming that telling Catholic-run hospitals and universities can't discriminate against female employees is somehow anti-Catholic prejudice? Fuck that shit; if you believe your invisible friend doesn't want anyone to use birth control, don't use it, but you don't get to try and force people who don't share your views (which includes the majority Catholics, just not the Church itself) to adhere to your moronic rules.

      • BerkeleyBear

        And they could go ahead and limit it to adhere to their precious beliefs if they weren't sucking the sweet sweet teat of Federal funding – so I guess their beliefs aren't all that important to them at the end of the day. Let's see, early Christians suffered martyrdom happily according to my copy of the New Testament, but these assholes get their panties in a bunch over any threat to getting free monies? Not quite living up to tradition.

      • memzilla

        Spot on, Soros & Bear.

        I don't know which pi**es me off more, the lying about Obama's position, the repression of women's rights to choose, the insidious nibbling at Roe v. Wade, or the red-herring-ness of using another invented issue to distract us all from the important things we should be doing.

        I choose all of the above, Katie.

        • SorosBot

          And here they're not even dealing with abortion, just fucking birth control. They do want to get rid of Griswold v Connecticut, not just Roe v Wade.

      • chascates

        I loved the part where she said the Church couldn't possibly afford to pay fines.

        • BerkeleyBear

          Well the Pope's Prada slippers don't pay for themselves, you know! Oh, wait, they do . . . my bad.

    • Lucidamente1

      We need to construct an algorithm that would determine how much and what Lady Noonington has had to drink before wriitng each column.

      • Mahousu

        I tried writing one once, but it didn't work – just kept returning NaN.

        Come to think of it, maybe it was working.

  • PsycWench

    I want to know how Bob McDumble came to this conclusion:

    The PUMAs are beside themselves with excitement, Jim!

    • Easy… Obama's a nearer and demoncrap. The end.

      • paris biltong

        Come again?

        • He's a black not all that liberal democrat and there is no way in hell Mr "In a closet" Turtle is going to give credit where credit is due because if Barry had done what the GOPer gubbiners did then we (and I mean all of us stuck in the economy of money not the fantasyland world of libertards or an economy built around frogs and chickens as currency) would have been fucked.

          • PsycWench

            Well, the motivation wasn't hard. I'm more interested in how he's going to explain the fact that improvement was seen even in states with Democratic governors, and that they've tried so hard to make Obama own the economy that the about-face seems too obvious even for them.
            Or is it wrong to expect a frisson of logic here?

          • Where there's racism there's a way.

          • BerkeleyBear

            Wrong, wrong, wrong – and you should know better by now. The GOP talking head apparatus is completely impervious to logic or consistency. This is what happens when you model your entire approach to elections on a guy with Alzheimer's who thought astrology was a legitimate science.

          • Randolph Scott!

          • Lascauxcaveman

            "What if me 'n the boys were to shoot that nearer dead? Would that cheer you up?"

      • BerkeleyBear

        Reverend! (or whatever the hell that crowd keeps saying).

    • SorosBot

      Well the Republican governors are responsible for the recovery being nowhere near as strong as it could have been if so many states hadn't slashed spending and laid off a whole bunch of civil servants; so he's right, from a certain point of view. That point of view being up his own ass.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Welcome back poopy head

  • IncenseDebate

    I'm designing a personalized M&M just for you, Jimmy!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Oh happy day.

  • bagofmice

    Given that alaska is 75% male or so, dicks will do.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The Palins need to pop out more girls, then.

      • bagofmice

        Drill baby, drill!

    • tealsheart

      70% of that = SarahPalin's dick'tards

  • WinterOuthouse

    Make it about the womenz of newt and mittenz and otherz

  • Selfish_T

    Let's start cranking out some poop jokes.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Welcome back ya big galoot.

  • Salam Bombay

    I have been excited with anticipation for Newell's return to Wonkette since last evening. If that make me pathetic, so be it.

  • Schmannnity

    I'd like to hear more about the human who was replaced by the Romneytron.

  • chascates

    The Return of the Prodigal Ginger!!!!

    Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

  • stanpan

    Welcome back to Walton's Mountain, Jim Boy.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    From Gawker back up to Wonkette…

    Jim, as my Grampa used to say: "When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane."

  • fartknocker

    I love your position on Alaska. I've never met you but after witnessing your cartography skills, I am impressed.

  • ChernobylSoup

    He's been back for five minutes and he's already giving shitbird frauds a bad name.

  • Rush sighted digging for Ron Paul Ameros in his nose.

    • prommie

      Fifty bucks says he eats it! I love saying that. You know he did!

  • Dish on Gawker Media! I can't stand those bitches.

    • widestanceshakedown

      I would re-follow you if it were possible, just for that.

    • chascates

      That 'blind items' bullshit belongs on Page 6 of that New York rag!!!

    • Biff

      Jalopnik is still cool, though.

    • sezme

      Yes! Today might be unseemly, but soon, Jim, you must start supplying us with dirt about the nefarious Denton enterprise.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Be ready to have ChetKincaid dong gracing the Internet.

      Daulerio's gonna get ye! Daulerio holds grudges!

  • DaRooster

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?"

    Delicious cat head recipes!!

  • widestanceshakedown

    I find this post difficult to. . .oh, hell, just welcome back and glad you came to your senses, Jack.

  • paris biltong

    Jim Newell and Mimi Alford – Telling It All, at long last.

  • fuflans

    ah here is the brighter tomorrow we've been promised.

  • CapnFatback

    Whatever the story is, it better have one bitchin' Blingee.

    Oh, and Jim, for your edification: we can't say the wicked "r" word anymore, so that might limit your post subjects or cause you to invest in a new thesaurus.

    • Nothingisamiss

      The thing I don't understand about this insanity is that I can write retard, which seems happily rude, but I cannot use the retard*d word in it's past tense. Sometimes retard isn't the word I need AT ALL. (see, down thread,

  • prommie

    Madonna, Jim, we want Madonna, the oafish klutz who fell down, almost, twice, talk about her. I try to type idiot nonsense, myself, but you do it so much better, being a professional typer of idiot nonsense, so please type some idiotic nonsense about Madonna, so I can LOL and claim that I spurted liquids on my keyboard. I will leave the typing to you, while I practice my hobby of artisanal masturbation.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Only the finest hand crafted lubricants and dildos for you, eh, prommie? Elitist!

  • Welcome back Ginger Jim. Good to see you haven't lost your rhetorical savoir-faire.

  • Let's look into Bo Obama today. Always seemed very corrupt to me.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Great you've comeback just in time for the apocalypse election 2012!!! Pull up a chair

  • AlterNewt

    It's a day of re-Newell.

  • chascates

    That 'Rembrandt of the Christian Reconstructions' has 2 new pieces of propaganda both featuring Obama.
    One of Obama standing (TRAMPLING!) on the U.S. Constitution as all the former Presidents observe, some approving (Democrats and the now-hated Teddy Roosevelt) and others, more godly & America hazing a sad.
    The other of Obama surrounded by chained Americans with dollar bills flying around. AND A SOLE CHICKEN WALKING AROUND!! What does it mean, oh Mighty Jim????

    Also, was or was not Rush Limbaugh picking his nose at the Super Bowl?

    • bagofmice

      Link plz!

      • See my earlier post.

      • chascates
        • CapnFatback

          WARNING: DO NOT GO TO BLAZE LINK IF YOU WISH TO KEEP YOUR BRAIN FROM ATROPHYING! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME, BUT I CAN SAVE OTHERS FROM . . . THE . . . *gurgle* . . . meedep . . . guuuuuuuuhhhhhhh . . .

          • tealsheart

            Thxs CaptFB. Here have a fistUp'er

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Seinfeld: "I was scratching, not picking!"

          • CapnFatback

            I snark to serve.

        • bagofmice

          'bammerz makin it rains
          While all these white folk are up in chains.

          Light from the sky above
          Shinin on current head of the gov.

          I never knew McNaughton was so gangsta.

    • Yes, he was.

    • prommie

      Picking his nose, and eating it, you just know he did.

    • SorosBot

      Though it seems like the mainstream media is obsessed over M.I.A. possibly flipping the bird during her performance. Think of the children, and her their lives were ruined by seeing a woman's finger briefly make a gesture that's considered rude!

      • chascates

        FoxNation has it as their main article:'
        Super Bowl Singer Gives America The Middle Finger

    • Nothingisamiss

      Oh, Good Lord, it's a happy Monday morning indeed when we get Newell back AND another masterpiece of McNaughton art.

    • cheetojeebus

      W o r s t Blingees Eve r!

    • SorosBot

      I just looked at the McNaughton painting and, along with lying about Franklin Roosevelt and claiming that his Depression-ending policies extended it, FDR is standing unassisted in the painting. History fail.

      • chascates

        Apparently Invisible Space Giant restored his walking ability once he gained entrance to the Eternal Place of Hymn Singing!

        • Biff

          Must be a MorMan. They say the infirm become firm, the incontinent become continent, the colored become white and "delightsome"…

    • HistoriCat

      Look – that one guy is taking a hack saw to the chains! Bet that black man who is watching him will rat him out – poor Negro has been brainwashed into believing he's better off on the Democrat plantation than being freedumbed!

  • Welcome back, Kim. And congratulations to the Patriots! They are now the only group in history to let more balls through their hands than Madonna.

    • tealsheart

      Did they win?
      I boycotted the game, since and till they wouldn't admit that they have a lesbian QB

  • EatsBabyDingos

    If Jim Newell returns, can Jim Crow be far behind? Ann Coulter lifted her tail and crapped three times this morning, so the answer is "yes."

  • JackDempsey1

    There he is, let the verbal and nonverbal hazing begin.
    [This is known as "crossing paragraph B."]
    Note to D.C., NoVa, MD residents: confine yourselves to trunk/torso blows, less visible to the men in blue. Also, stay away from the fingers —– they are the journalistic "moneymakers."

    • BerkeleyBear

      So the blanket party is on for tonight? Sweet – got my sock full of soap right here (although I don't think the liquid stuff works as well as those old bars of Ivory they used in Full Metal Jacket).

  • philpjfry

    Hurray, The alien space overlords loose this one. Welcome back

  • paris biltong

    "Stupid," "idiots," "lunatics"? Take it easy, man! We've got important things to say here, not like at some other blogs you may have been associated with.

  • SorosBot

    Jim, we promise to be better commenters than the ones over at Gawker; although that is a very, very easy promise to keep.

    • widestanceshakedown

      To whom are our comments submitted for approval now? I have a really great pun, and it's essential that it post before noon.

  • Schmannnity

    Modest suggestion: take your vacation during the birthday week of the youngest son of a former vice-presidential candidate from Alaska.

    • tealsheart

      Which week? Oh, the ' official version' otherwise, two months earlier to celebrate

  • bureaucrap

    Don't care too much about the articles as long as the pics/gifs show more skin. Hope you'll get right on that.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Do you know what I heard?

    I heard that Newell's women are all posts.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      C'mon Jim…submit an another article – we respond you long time.


  • tealsheart

    Welcome back and all that other stuff!
    Send me your 20 months of belly button lint, (I know you saved it), I'm making a cute blanket for my headless cat.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      You have a headless cat?! How do you manage to take "breading cats" pictures??

      • tealsheart

        SIMPLE: I use the head from one of my Sarah Palin blowUp dolls

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Wow…you sure know how to give a fella nightmares. I bet I dream of being chased by Palin-headed cats tonight.

          • tealsheart

            I'm only following doctor orders here.

  • facehead

    Jimbo! Can I call you 'Jimbo'? OF COURSE I CAN IT IS THE INTERNET!

    So Jimmy, now that you're back, I'd like to hear some news about those gumdrop forests my mother was always talking about. Or maybe Riley? Yes, Riley, wtf is going on with Riley. That's mostly it.


  • Barrelhse

    If you had only gone to England. You could be writing for the Guardian instead of what's-her-name.

  • chascates

    For new visitors to the site:

    • BerkeleyBear

      The paleness – it burns!

    • tealsheart

      Red hairs! I've heard some really-really-really toe curling rumors. Never mind repeating them, since this site deals only with the factuals

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Howzabout shitbird fraud Pete Hoekstra?

    • Winner!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Oh Happy JOY JOY!!!!!!!!
        I had my grav-hair dyed just for your return!!!!!!!!!!!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Pete Hoekstra running again at all is all I need to know that there is evil in this world. That guy is a pure fucking nut.

      And if I'm Debbie Stabenow, I'm pointing at the recovery of the auto industry in Michigan, and saying "scoreboard, bitches." Not that the shitheads in Grand Rapids that Hoekstra's ad is pandering to will understand or care.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Yup. Even besides the rice paddy racism, the ad doesn't even come close to making sense.

        It's an appeal to those that remember the 'rice-burner' tag for import cars, uhhhhh,
        like 40 years ago when U.S. Auto started to tank.

    • SorosBot

      What, did he hire the same ad agency as

  • V572 the Merciless

    Hooray, Jim's back! Tell us how Ari Fleischer seized control of SG Komen. Or didn't, according to him. But watch what you say!

    • prommie

      Hey, that was some amazingly excellent job of public relations consulting old Ari did, wasn't it? Most succesful rollout of a new policy ever, what ho?

      • V572 the Merciless

        Ha ha, that’s why he’s disowning it. “All I did was tell them to call a crisis management firm,” AFTER he wiped out their fundraising ability for years to come.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Mr. Newell was staying in Washington, DouCee, (renamed for our favorite Fox Gnus beastiality, uhhh, personality, Steve Douchey) during his absence. He tried opening a new restaurant in Anacostia, the "Jim Crowbar Inn." Guess it didn't work out.

  • So, Jim "The Empire Strikes Back" Newell has returned. Hooray? Yeah, for sure, hooray.

  • Lucidamente1

    How can we not love the guy who wrote this the last time he tried to leave?:

    To the Wonkette Commentariat, for being the absolute most consistently hilarious group of one-liner writers on the Internet since forever. I’m not just being a fairy here: it’s kind of “Internet consensus” that Wonkette commenters are, without a doubt, the best on any blog on the Internet. Ask anyone (who isn’t dumb) and they will tell you this.

    • paris biltong

      Forever is such a short time…

    • emmelemm

      I got a tear in my eye!

  • TheRiverCharley

    Personally, I want you to write a story about how creeped out you are I followed you over here from Gawker.

  • Salam Bombay

    Interesting. Images folder on is full of shirtless pictures of Barack Obama

    • Nostrildamus

      That's hilarious.

  • vulpes82

    Twenty months?!!? How DID you survive Gawker that long? Now, show us on the doll where Nick Denton touched you. This is a safe place.

    Also, PLEASE TO GIVE US DAME NOONINGTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Delicious_2

    I want Sara K. back, too….hurry, before the stargate closes

    • chascates

      I'm afraid SKS has gone over to the Dark Side, you know: motherhood, family, .that kind of crap.

      • HistoriCat

        She needs to get that kid started in a day care, cleaning toilets and sweeping the floor.

  • ThundercatHo

    Since it's Monday morning and your first day back how about something easy and always a crowd pleaser, Sarah Palin. The Daily Beast had an article about what a great mother she is because she has a handicapped child or some such puke. No way I was gonna click on that. Or Rush picking his nose on national television. Same thing.

    • widestanceshakedown

      The photo at HuffPo is of Rush in the upper right corner and what appears to be Steven Tyler in the lower left corner, summarizing everything that is wrong with this nation.

  • Come here a minute

    Fuck this, we already had a welcome back thread when Ken made the announcement. Give us jokes, content monkey!

  • freakishlywrong

    Yay! Bitter ginger! Make me laugh, bitch!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ken Layne – solving America's unemployment problem one job at a time!

  • A sequel?

  • Schmegeg

    Hmmm. Cathead recipes?

    • Nostrildamus

      These look pretty good.

  • Terry

    Welcome back, Jim!

    I saw that Newtie is advocating spending like a drunken sailor. Who is his demographic? Denfense contracting companies? Did Reince Priebus neglect to send Newt a copy of the script?

  • Needz moar Blingee Contests and better prizes!

  • proudgrampa

    Jim Who?

    Oh, just kidding. Welcome back, son.

  • Nothingisamiss

    Despite what I'm thinking is a bad attitude in the above post, I am gloriously giddy that you're back!

    Gawker surely did not give you enough love.

    (Possibly better/more regular paychecks, but….)

  • SnarkoMarx

    Stories told with hand turkeys. I miss those stories.

  • notreelyhelping

    Oh yeah…I remember: this is the snide/funny guy. The other one's the bitter/funny guy. Cool. Welcome back.

  • Only other suggestion is to stay away from broad generalization – except proven ones like all conservatives are idiots or all Republican politicians are bloodsucking lizard people.

  • Goonemeritus

    Welcome back Jim a timely piece comparing the leadership style of Sarah Palin and Vaclav Havel would be nice. BTW there are no failed bloggers only shortsighted advertisers and readers.

  • Battered, but unbowed. Welcome home, loserboy.

  • Veritas78

    Is this a Newell post? Hahaha!

  • chicken_thief

    Needz moar Sant rum.

  • MissTaken

    Yay! Newell's back and I'm on a webex with drunken Irishmen. Ginger Week has officially begun!

    • SorosBot

      Isn't drunken Irishmen kind of redundant?

      • MissTaken

        Well, I do work for the Department of Redundancy Department.

    • After it got canceled for several years due to drunken Irishmen, the Chicago Southside Drunken Irish Parade is back on this year, because the organizers promised to stop being such drunken Irishmen. Since public drunkenness had always been the main point, we'll see how that works!

  • Jack Stuef

    It was all just a bad dream.

    • chascates

      At least in this dream I was wearing more than just underwear.

  • qwerty42

    Hello Jim and welcome back.

  • Gopherit

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?"

    Aw, Jim, it's nice to see your Muse coming back to you after being stifled by those frauds over at Gawker.

    More like this, please:

  • WhatTheHeck

    I don’t think you ever left, did you, Jim?
    So I can’t welcome you back in the true sense. Just carry on doing what you do and we’ll eat it up.

  • sarah_connor

    BUTTERSTICK. But I'll settle for Newell.

  • Redhead

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?"

    All of them, Katie! Welcome back, ginger Jim!

  • chandadeepti


    • Nostrildamus


  • Guppy

    What, no Boricua love?

  • OKthennext

    Will you pleese swear at us and secks-shoe-alee abuse us, like sara benincasa used to do?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Welcome back, Jim.

  • tealsheart

    THANK YOU! This is a clear sign that BHO wins again!

  • dipfan

    I'd like to pre-congratulate you on your next job (Buzzfeed Politics, sometime in August) and save time.

  • neiltheblaze

    Dammit, Jim, we've missed you.

  • thefrontpage

    I thought I was the only person who ate cat heads!

    By the way, they are delicious with A-1 sauce and Kraft American cheese slices.

  • illnoise

    We're glad to have you back, Jim, you were missed. Go truck nuts.

  • BornInATrailer

    Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays!

  • Extemporanus

    Welcome back to the party, Jim.

    I trust that you brought enough lightly salted poison rat dicks for everyone.

  • ttommyunger

    "Anyway what would you lunatics like to read about today, Mittens, Newt, or some other shitbird fraud?". I've got a craving flung on me for some deep fried Mitten Fuck-ups, scattered over a bed of Newt Bloviation served with the Shitbird Fraud Sauce. Pleeeeze.

  • bringmeanaxe

    So glad you're back, 'cause I totally have a thing for gingers. No really, I do.

  • Biff

    Anybody else get their Ron Paulaction figure doll yet?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I wasn't sure if that was "meh" or "meth" scribbled over America's heartland. Both are spot on observations.


    Nah, I got nuffink today.

  • Buckminster

    I got all confused by your map, Jim. I have a bro-in-law named Dick who lives in Seward, AK and used to own a liquor store, so my egotistical brain thought, "He spent 20 months up at my brother-in-law's?

  • Nice to have you back Jim! Now go fuck yourself.

  • Come here a minute

    Just came back and already breaking the rules — isn't that supposed to be, "Our name is Jim. We used to edit this stupid website…"?

  • vtxmcrider

    Just to be clear … are you the gay guy who left Wonkette because of too much buttsecks?

  • sezme

    Our long national nightmare is finally over. Welcome home, Jim-Bob. We will never let you leave again. [Cue ominous music]

  • Jerri

    I get all my news from Wonkette and sugar packets from the Denney's, so I don't really care what you write about, Jim. I'm just glad you're back.

Previous articleRomney Wins Super Bowl of Nevada GOP 2012 Politics, Again
Next articleMichelle Obama Does More Pushups Than TV Lady, Wingnuts Furious