stupor bowl

Romney Wins Super Bowl of Nevada GOP 2012 Politics, Again

Actual Mitt sign in mostly foreclosed Las Vegas suburb, 2008.There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to Utah.) But Romney is programmed to treat all wins the same, no matter how expected and no matter how few delegates are at stake, so the beaming Mittens will be transported out of Nevada by personal corporate jet with at least 10 delegates but certainly nothing like the 50 he picked up in Florida. The only pressing question is whether a cheap Huffington Post gimmick like putting “Super Bowl” in the headline will increase the page views for this post.

The picture you see above is a real “Mitt Romney campaign sign” photograph, from a Nevada stucco ghetto in 2008! It was the only political sign your editor saw after miles and miles of driving slowly through the decimated housing tracts, many already abandoned by their underwater mortgage holders early in 2008. (Las Vegas and Clark County lean heavily to the Democratic side, which also holds a 50,000-voter registration lead statewide.)

There was no Democratic contest this time around, so we were spared the dumb chaos of another “Casino Caucus.” So, there was no real contest at all. Mitt Romney, because he worships a space alien also worshiped by many people in the neighboring state of Utah, easily won Nevada’s GOP caucus. These are the important issues that will decide everything, maybe, until the real space aliens arrive, later this year.

Now that there’s no “plausible” way for the Newt or anyone but Romney to win the GOP nomination, Gingrich is (of course) predicting he will seal it up by Texas, when Mittens will withdraw in a rare display of personal shame. [Washington Post]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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          1. MittBorg

            I told it to my dear friend who told it to her mother, who told it to all the nuns at the convent and would you believe the dear old ladies laughed their dignified little asses off.

    1. Numbat_Dundee

      Well Nevada is dry enough to be a Wasteland
      "We are the hollow men
      We are the stuffed men
      Leaning together
      Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
      Our dried voices, when
      We whisper together
      Are quiet and meaningless
      As wind in dry grass
      Or rats’ feet over broken glass
      In our dry cellar"

      1. swordfis

        This is from "The Hollow Men:" but yes, Wasteland works as well. But "The Hollow Men" is more predictive:

        "Here we go round the prickly pear…."

        "Not with a bang but a whimper."

      1. MittBorg

        These fucking Mormons are fucking crazy. They're like cult members. They need deprogramming SO BAD. Just listening to them babble their insane shit, one doesn't know whether to laugh out loud or start slapping sense back into them. Cursed with black skin? Ugh.

  1. finallyhappy

    You do know the Puppy Bowl starts at 3 here in the East- and all of those players hate Mitt.
    "I ride Inside!!" Mutts against Mitt

    1. DemmeFatale

      Did you see that Gail Collins received a big prize from "Bark" magazine for keeping Seamus Romney in the news?
      She mentioned the "dog on the roof thing" twice in her last column!

      1. finallyhappy

        This is from the Facebook group Mutts against Mitt- and I'm pretty sure someone at the WH sent out that photo with "I ride inside" already. But you do it too- I won't tell

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Maybe…but there are lots of time when as I'll write something as a set up for someone to complete the joke. I like it the best when they do.

    1. HistoriCat

      According to NPR, a young lady in a skin-tight pink dress who works at the Bunny Ranch said all the girls are Paul supporters.

  2. WinterOuthouse

    Mormons are a sickening goody-goody group that happens to be full of shit. Stern Mormon Jeebus will reveal all of Mitten's wives

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Tom Cruise must be so jealous of Mor-men. Not because of the wives — he doesn't want the one he has. But that being able to run for president stuff even though you worship a space alien looks really good to Tiny Tom. Cruise/Travolta 2016.

      1. Extemporanus

        I've said this before, but I'm convinced that Scientology is an elaborate false flag operation being run by Mormons to make their religion look less sci-fi cray-cray in comparison.

        Tom Cruise is obviously the undercover Mormon leading the whole thing, and he's doing an absolutely outstanding job.

        [This reply will self-destruct in five seconds…]

          1. Extemporanus

            Better, thanks — I can almost turn my head.

            I figure in a couple weeks or so, I should be Tebowing again like new.

          2. MittBorg

            Er … about that Tebowing … I have a curse out on practitioners, so you might want to eschew that until you're, you know, *really* ready for a Vicodin-and-alcohol-fueled rampage. *Another* one, that is.

          1. Extemporanus

            I only mentioned it once, a few weeks ago, deep in a 1000+ comment GOP debate thread. If I mention it a third time, I believe that it will become a TRUE FACT per the teachings of Moroni Xenu, Jr.

    2. DemmeFatale

      Yeah, Prop, 8 really showed the true character of their ass-holishness.
      And just when they were getting some sympathetic coverage…

      (Maybe they used Ari Fleischer as their P.R. consultant.)

      1. MittBorg

        As far as I'm concerned, they declared war on me and mine with that, and until they do SOMETHING to fix that, I'm declaring war right back on their fucking sanctimonious asses. No mercy for Mor(m)ons.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          I've been banned from just about every Mormon website on the internet after I went on their YouTube channel and pointed out that until 1967 "traditional marriage" meant just two people of the same skin tone, and that until the 1970s Mormons believed black people were demons. Shockingly they didn't take kindly to my history lesson.

    3. MittBorg

      They're not *that* goody-goody. Utah has the highest rates of child sexual abuse, domestic abuse, pill-poppin', and porn-watchin', of all the fifty states.

      Gimme a cuppa coffee or a coke any time, baby. At least fewer children are being raped as a result of all that caffeinating, boozing, and smoking. Wut? You NEED BOTH HANDS to drink and smoke.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        But they didn't MEAN to do it.

        Then again, I take that back. My gay friend who was raised by Mormons told me his parents meant every last horrible thing they did to him. I hope the fact that he's now an award-winning author; a professor at a prestigious university; and in a happy, stable made-in-Massachusetts marriage really galls them.

        1. MittBorg

          It's a cult that believes only STRAIGHT MEN GO TO HEAVEN. I mean, even women aren't allowed into their fucking heaven unless they're willing to marry some guy and be perpetually pregnant, obedient, and submissive. Srsly. Their own religious books state without equivocation that women may go to heaven IF they are married to a man holding a Temple Recommend, and in that heaven they are always pregnant because their sole duty and role is to ensure that their man can repopulate the planet of which he has been appointed God. Oh, yes, and all the men have plural wives. So, no gay men allowed EVAH, no BI men, either, NO WIMMENZ EVAH AT ALL. They can keep their fucking heaven. I ain't goin' no place where all my faggot friends and my hairy-legged lesbo rug munchers and all my intergender/intersex LGBTQ friends in all their diverse glory, and all the women who have ever been good to me are not allowed. I'll stick with y'all bitchez and fagz. They can stick their fucking heaven right up their tighty whitey mormon asses.

          1. MittBorg

            Oh, hell to the yeah, grl. If you're female and not perpetually pregnant and married, you're clearly sinning and unworthy. And if you're male, it's gonna be hard to practice your bisexuality with 50 wimmenz needing your sperm to keep them permapreggers.

    4. ThundercatHo

      Everyone needs to watch "A Mormon Proposition". Hopefully, it will be in a theater near you before November. I was able to stream it on Netflix.

  3. GuanoFaucet

    [W]hen Mittens will withdraw in a rare display of personal shame.

    Haha. Like that's going to happen. Robots feel no shame.

  4. SwanSwanH

    The banner ads on the Wonkette Super Bowl post are my favorite part of the day. Personalized M&Ms!

    1. SorosBot

      I'm still getting the same ads i usually get – except there's also one from the AARP. Geez, I may be somewhat old but I'm not that old, Wonkette advertisers!

      1. MittBorg

        I'm getting srsly hot sexy semi-naked guys advertising some brand of jeans (who looks at that shit, I'm checkin' out the bods), and CATS. No M&Ms or nuthin'. Also, no AARP, and I'm nearly twice your age. I haz a discriminationz.

      1. SorosBot

        Does this ad say you should ask your parents to take you? I do wonder what advertiser would think a lot of kids are reading a political blog; hell I think people here are more likely to be at the age when they're taking their parents to the local park, from the nursing home.

        1. Biff

          Why do I keep getting either that one weird tip or the 52 year-old local mom that looks 30? I'd much rather enjoy a forest or a park!

  5. SheriffRoscoe

    until the real space aliens arrive, later this year.

    If only! I don't care if they eat me one limb at a time, animal cracker style, so long as I get the chance to see all the fundie's heads explode from having their doctrine shot through the scrotum first.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Silly SherrifRoscoe, they'll just say that was a scourge the Loving Baby Jebus sent to punish you for your non-belief.

          1. MittBorg

            I sure do love that movie. I used to live in a college town where they would show it every weekend, and we all used to go down to the theater, which was always populated by a bunch of fans who would recite the entire dialog and sing every song.

          2. C_R_Eature

            SCENE: NY sidewalk.

            *Crowd of young kids in Rocky Horror drag, cavort down the street Doing the Time Warp on the way to the movie.*

            Old Lady: "Oooh, are you kids Theater Majors?"

            Magenta, in hiking boots spray-painted candyapple red: " No, Ma'am. I'm a Marine Biologist".

            True story.

          3. C_R_Eature

            There's no big State Secrets here. I just have a terribly 20th Century idea of personal space. That, and the Avatar/Descriptive combination is just So Terribly Clever (at least I think so).
            And what's life without a little mystery, eh?

            That said, I haven't made too many attempts to cover my tracks and anyone who halfway knows me would recognize my voice instantly by looking at what I write about and all the crazed stuff I've inflicted on this Blog.

            I don't do Facebook or Twitter (If I did, my status would be permanently set to Mind your own business!)

            Writing here and hanging out with You Madpeople is a wonderful kind of emotional and Intellectual therapy, for me.
            Thanks, BTW.

          4. MittBorg

            (Hugs the CREature fondly) Fine by me, darlz, as you can see my real name is not available for public consumption, despite my ubiquitous presence all over social media and teh Webz. Just promise you won't be mad at me if we know each other IRL and I'm being royally dense by not recognizing you. I'm not bad on facts and stuff, but incredibly dense and slow when it comes to people and social cues.

          5. C_R_Eature

            No Worries, MB! I don't rile easily and, besides, there's always the Wonkette Handshake & Secret Changing Name, which is how we all recognize each other when we're out of the Inner Sanctum.
            Thanks for the Hug, BTW. World could use more of that.

          6. MittBorg

            Yes, I was, actually, but I think I was in a horrible deathspiraling relationship and on serious antidepressants and other drugs, so we would have basically sat around hating each other and ourselves and wishing for death. This is much more fun.

          7. tessiee

            Tim Curry, or I should say Frank N. Furter, was one of my fashion icons, right up there with Rick James, David Bowie, and Marc Bolan.

          1. tessiee

            No, no — YOU know… During the time warp, when Magenta and Riff Raff would do that thing where they would press their elbows together, everybody in the audience is supposed to yell, "Elbow sex!"

            Also, Brad's an asshole.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Santorum: "Put your hands on your hips – and bring your knees in tight!"

          Gingrich: "And it's the Pelvic Thrust, that really drives you Insa-yay-yayaaane!"

          Paul: "Let's do the Time Warp again!" (back to the Gold Standard!)

          1. C_R_Eature

            That's a Capital Idea! Any Video Wizards out there?

            Or, can this be done on something like the "Elf Yourself" site.?

            I'll chip in.

    2. Negropolis

      But, didn't the Catholic Church relatively recently try to pre-empt this by saying that when we find (intelligent) alien life (I think they even went beyond "if"), that it wouldn't disrupt scripture? loll

      It's funny, the church has been big on reconciling astronomy with the faith ever since that whole Galileo dust-up, but when it comes to the science right back here on earth, they are a bit more skeptical to say the least.

      1. LagunaB

        But they just found the god particle at CERN LHC.
        Otherwise know as Higgs Boson.
        Still waiting to hear back from his holiest.

  6. WinterOuthouse

    Souper Bowl Recipe

    Get a big bowl. dump jar of salsa in bowl. Take leftover red and green tortilla chips from holiday party and mix in salsa. heat this up in microwave. eat this shitty soup.

        1. MittBorg

          You sick little puppy.

          Fruit Chan (who is male, who woulda guessed?) made a pretty, um, squicky movie about fetus soup. I think it's called "Dumplings." Really, really weird. I highly recommend it to little sickos like you. (I know, you're a foot taller than me, shaddup already.) Srsly. It was weird, but acceptably so, and even funny in that Hongkong Chinese Cantonese broad peasant sense of humour way.

  7. BlueStateLibel

    There is also no "plausible" way for Romney to beat Obama either. I'm looking forward to the election of the moderate Republic (Obama). (Also, isn't it ILLEGAL to make people work on this, the biggest most important day in our country's history?)

    1. finallyhappy

      I guess my activities are worse than the war on Christmas since I do not give a shit about the Super Bowl. I did however like the Volkswagon Star Wars Dog commercial

    1. cheaphits

      Santorum's chance for a comeback is in Missouri Tuesday.. N. Leroy Gringrich screwed the pooch again here and is not on the ballot, and buttjuice is runnin' pretty strong. Of course since the state rethugs "pulled a Florida" and moved it ahead in the primary schedule it's just a dog show anyway…no delegates at stake.

      The only interesting thing is that five Republicans whose names will appear on the state’s ballot are no longer running: Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, Jon Huntsman and Gary Johnson.

      All this goes to show that Republicans could fuck up an anvil.

  8. Data Exactly

    "There was no Democratic contest this time around, so we were spared the dumb chaos of another “Casino Caucus." "
    Well, the closest we came to this kind of drama was when they had to move the voting place out of some school house because the place was named after one of Newt Gingrich's biggest supporters. Some funny stuff, that is.

    Also, if we have to worry about the space aliens coming down, I suggest we elect Ron Paul president. You see, mankind was created to mine gold for the space aliens who probably take forever going between planets and when they return here they'll want somebody who is as keen on the Gold Standard as can be, so our leader can communicate with more kinship than Romney would, who is too robotic even for the aliens' liking.

  9. DerrickWildcat

    I misspoke when I called the poor, "dirty filthy parasitic cretins who are not worthy to even be in the same area code as my flatus." Up until yesterday, I was unaware that the poor were able to participate in the election process. I was under the impression that only land owners of considerable means were able to vote. So I now begrudgingly ask you for your vote.
    Thank you.
    God bless and support our troops.

  10. V572 & friends

    Colorado had caucuses years ago, and when I lived there I went to one….must've been 1976. It was a kind of sweet display of public seriousness, with a bunch of us Dems sitting around in the common/meeting/day room of the Section 8 highrise at the end of the block, discussing whether we liked any of these candidates that I just looked up:

    Jimmy Carter, former governor of Georgia
    Jerry Brown, governor of California
    George Wallace, governor of Alabama
    Morris Udall, U.S. representative from Arizona
    Henry M. Jackson, U.S. senator from Washington
    Frank Church, U.S. senator from Idaho
    Robert Byrd, U.S. senator from West Virginia
    Sargent Shriver, former U.S. ambassador to France from Maryland
    Fred R. Harris, former U.S. senator from Oklahoma
    Birch Bayh, U.S. senator from Indiana
    Lloyd Bentsen, U.S. senator from Texas
    Terry Sanford, former governor of North Carolina
    Milton Shapp, governor of Pennsylvania
    Walter Fauntroy, U.S. representative from DC

    The meeting had to select two or three reps to attend the state nominating convention. I couldn't do it because of the Hatch Act. I remember that when Harris quit he said it was because his support was all among the little people, but they couldn't reach the voting levers. He was obviously way to witty to ever be preznidunt.

    That concludes this trip down memory lane. Please resume your previous positions and continue.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Yes the world has changed. Back then we called them midgets. Now they prefer the term "little people."

    2. BarackMyWorld

      It's weird seeing such ideological diversity in one party…some people say that nostalgically, but honestly it did kind of make party labels pretty meaningless. I'm not opposed to inclusive parties, but George Wallace and Scoop Jackson in the same primary as Jerry Brown and Mo Udall blows my mind.

    3. Jukesgrrl

      All praise Milton Shapp! When he was governor of PA, the state had the most generous college grant program in its history. Imagine, college tuition money that didn't have to be paid back simply because it's thought by some to be good to have an educated populace. What a concept.

      I got $1,100 per year, which doesn't sound like much today but back then it was more than a third of my tuition. Just because I was PA high school student with good grades.

      All that went down the drain when Pennsylvanians came to their Nixonian senses and sent Republicans back to Harrisburg in the name of fiscal responsibility.

          1. V572 & friends

            Alas I was married and unemployed and trying to quit smoking. Luckily I was able to use my degree in English to get a job changing tires at a tire dealer. In those days, though, an ounce was 10 or 20 bucks.

  11. Pithaughn

    Recently, in a letter to the editor, a Grand Junction oldster was bemoaning that some escalators at the airport were often out of order. The letter writer just had to point out that the escalators were installed during the Carter administration. As if it had been the Ford administration the escalators would still be 5 nines reliable, even if they are 35 years old. I am amazed no one get's maimed every hour of every day on escalators. Two things that literally scared me to death the first time , escalators and the Matterhorn ride at Disney Land.
    In reality, Carter pissed off plenty of Dems back then when many water projects were cxl'd.
    I know my gramps was particularly that the Fruit Park project was cxl'd.

      1. Radiotherapy

        Great, the same neoclown who tried to explain away WMD's® and Tiger Wood's Anal Adventures™.

  12. BarackMyWorld

    The Missouri primary is Tuesday, but Gingrich isn't on the ballot and it's "non-binding." Then there's a Missouri caucus (???) on March 17th. To make things worse, Missouri also has August 7th primaries for the gubernatorial and U.S. Senate races this year with multiple Republican challengers and incumbent Democrats running for re-election in each.

    So, yeah….fun.

  13. Extemporanus

    Newt Gingrich totally would've won if he hadn't experienced that wardrobe function at halftime.

      1. MittBorg

        Jesus! The one thing I never, ever wanted to think about was Newt Gingrich's nip-nips. Flabby, sweaty, the perfectly porcine pink of a cooked ham, and encircled with long, curling gray hairs of a peculiarly coarse and sweaty gRAAAARGH!

        I'll remember this, starfangled. Yes, I will.

          1. MittBorg

            Opus? Darling? You know I love you. You know I CANNOT resist a challenge. This is like month-old dead squirrel to a dog, Opus.

            I will hate you for it, but first I will gaze long and deep. And then I will plan revenge.

          2. MittBorg

            Sweet Christ on a fuckin' pogo stick, you weren't kidding. At least they tanned his flesh and removed about 200 lbs. of ugly fat off his stomach. I have to go lie down now. I'll talk to you when I recover, young wo/man.

  14. proudgrampa

    Mr. Layne –

    We represent the NFL™ and hereby request that you cease and desist from use of the term "Super Bowl®." . Further, we warn you and your readers that "nachos™" is a copyrighted term invented by the NFL™ and may not be used or consumed without license from the NFL™.


    Jet, Load, of Lawyers, LLC.

    1. MrFizzy

      And "titties" and "pussies" are registered trademarks of the Susan Komen foundation, and shall not be used out of context, or in anger, or in reference to the parts of nice girls, specifically mormonicans.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Dear Jet Load, et al LLC: Please desist from representing yourselves as lawyers fro the NFL Owners Association… we have been representing the NFL for the past 43 years and will take any lawyerly infringement seriously.


      Phukyue, Weire Lawyers & Yiernot

    3. Radiotherapy

      WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot, proudgampa, i make essentially the same joke upthread and you get more upfists. I've got to work on my presentation, I guess. Or maybe it was the "nachos™" remark. Anyway, enjoy the Super Bowl® and who can wait for Madonna™?
      I want to know the over/under on crosses on stage, I say 10.
      Also, the over/under on camera shots into the Manning booth, I'd say 7 on that one.

      1. proudgrampa

        Hey, Radio! My comment should have been "with apologies to…" Yours was a great one! You were an inspiration that I did not properly acknowledge. I only succeed because I stand on the shoulders of giants (NOT the NY kind!).

        1. Radiotherapy

          The funny thing is that most everyone is on board with Super Bowl®. I guess it's like the Föx Noose conditioning by repetition ad nauseum and ad infinitum the same false meme. For example, the failed health care systems of France, Canada and England.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      It's their family game night. All are forced to participate. If Mitt's team loses, they all pretend it didn't happen. The ladeez clean up the milk and cookie dishes.

    2. MrFizzy

      OK everyone, birch beer all around!!! No, I didn't say beer, hahahahaha. That was a good one Jim-Bob.

    3. Rotundo_

      It may involve jello and fruit drinks, but you can surely believe that the jello will be the most incredibly delicious jello known, imported and at great cost. The fruit will be flown in by jet and squeezed by unbelievably attactive BYU cheerleader types and served up by them, wearing nought but their church endorsed anti-sin undergarments. A Mormon orgy of prayer and wholesomeness.

      1. tessiee

        "If you prefer margarine, I will bring you the finest margarine the world has ever known. There will also be peas." — Smoove B

    4. tessiee

      "Hard to imagine a Superbowl® party at Mitt's™ house."

      Mitt (watching game on TV): All RIGHT!! Manuel, cheer that play! Guadalupe, dip that chip in the clam dip and hold it near my mouth!

    1. Limeylizzie

      Me, with my insane fantasies involving stern but fair SS men , dairy produce and my naked bottom?

          1. Limeylizzie

            It's all in my head, unfortunately, I have never actually been spanked ,by a stern but fair SS man, for cycling past a checkpoint in France with some St. Andre and a radio in my pannier.

  15. Native_of_SL_UT

    While you guys are some of the funniest people I know, none of you are nearly half as funny as the comments I've read on Big Government today.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      You must have a constitution of iron then. I look at that shit and it just makes me cry. Worse than that, actually. If I read shit like that…or even worse, Yahoo comments, I spend the next week walking around looking at people and thinking, "did you write that? Did you??".

      Thank you for going there so I don't have to.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    According to my math, if you take an average of the most recent polls and factor out undecided voters, if the election were held today, you're looking at Obama 50%, Romney 48%, with 2% going to various other party candidates. And that's WITH unemployment over 8%.

    1. MittBorg

      I've been looking at the fundraising figures. In every single quarter, Obama has outraised the *entire* Republican lineup. Now, there are SuperPACs operating with scammed cash on the qt, but the Prez's money is coming from individual donors.

      If that many individuals are willing to give their scarce and hard-earned dollars to this candidate in preference to all the others, he's the one who's going to win the election. Basically, everything the press has been telling us about the President's lack of support among his base is pure and unmitigated bullshit. Individuals, unlike corporations, don't have money to throw away, and DO have restrictions on their money. If the guy is pulling in close to $100 million in one quarter, then it's the people who want him, and he will win. Oh, yeah, and despite the great figures, he's gonna need more $$$ to win this, so if you have it, give. We don't want a Mint RMONEY running our country.

    2. Negropolis

      I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself, but I can't imagine that undecides break for the Republicans, this cycle short of some major Dem scandal, not even 51/49.

      1. Radiotherapy

        Blueb4 is a rocker from Cleveland. But, remember the northern border of Kentucky is Lake Erie. And so too, Wanda Jackson is the Queen of Rockabilly.

        1. MittBorg

          Thank you, Biely! Great photos of her. I've decided she belongs in my music collection. That's the perfect whiskey-and-cigarettes voice for rockabilly and the gal can sling a tune, too.

  17. ThundercatHo wants me to host a 99% movie party next weekend. The movie is "Inside Job" with Matt Damon which sounds good but why would anybody ask me to have a bunch of strangers come into my home? WTF? Somebody typing "I'll bring the dip" over the intertubes isn't exactly a bona fide. Has anyone else here done this sort of thing?

    1. DemmeFatale

      I got that email here in Silicon Valley.
      I don't want a houseful of socially-stunted, internetty nerds, so I don't think I'll have one.

      Actually, most of the guests would probably be middle-aged activist ladies, (the ones who do most of the work, in my experience).

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Since I live in and around Wingnutistan I've wondered who would show should I decide to host one. Too scared to try.

    2. Biff

      My house is less than 700 sqft, no way I'ma open it up to host a movie. That would mean cleaning this dump up, not gonna happen.

        1. Biff

          Yeah, what was I thinking? I built it according to budget, knowing I was going to be permanently unemployed soon and unable to make a mortgage payment. It works.

          1. MittBorg

            Biffster — you know I'm just teasing you, so don't be such an old crab. I have a tiny little house myself. Barely enough room to swing a cat, not that anyone would dare. Now chill out and hand me that chillum, dood.

          2. Biff

            I'm not being a crab, am I? Part of the reason for the tiny house was budgetary, bigger part is mitigating my footprint on this earth. Won't be much left to suggest my existence after I leave, just the way I want it.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Apparently we are watching a football game tonight but only because the males don't want to look unmanly at school/work tomorrow. The only way I would watch is if they were playing naked.

      1. Tilley

        Is the team with the Samoan guy with the long black curly hair playing tonight? Because I think he's hot. This in toto is what I know about football.

        1. ThundercatHo

          I read in my paper's trivia challenge that this Samoan guy is "the nicest guy in football". I know this and that for some reason grunting and blowing whistles is involved.

        2. Nothingisamiss

          I didn't even know this much, but now I wished I was watching. (Not really, but I've seen that guy and he's hot.)

    2. Fare la Volpe

      I have never once nor shall I ever give two shits about the Super Bowl. The whole idiotic spectacle can go fuck itself for all I care.

    3. SorosBot

      I will, however, be rooting for the Giants' final score to end in a five; and the Patriots' to end in an eight.

      1. Barb

        This is the first year ever that I am not cooking massive amounts of food, I'm not in a betting pool, I have no bets in Vegas, etc. Shit, I got baby back ribs from Rudy's. (carryout)

        I hear that the Manning brothers old man, Archey has a bad habit of calling up anyone who says anything not glowing about his sons. For that reason, I am going to have to root for the Patriots.

        As for the commercials, I am betting that there will be lots of white men drinking beer with one black friend in the commercials. Doritos will finally break the taboo of "teh gay" and I will love them for it. The Go Daddy commercial will make me want to puke, I'm sure of it.

        I got beer though and that will make this game less difficult to masturbate to.

        1. SorosBot

          I'm not in any betting pool either – I'm actually rooting for someone else to win their betting pool.

          On the one hand, as an Eagles fan I normally hate the Giants more than any team except the Cowboys; on the other, the Patriots are probably the second most obnoxious team in all of sports, second only to the Red Sox. Also they cheated their way steal the 2004 Super Bowl from the Eagles.

          I'm not really paying attention to the commercials – I've mostly been playing Skyrim with the game in the background. The Go Daddy ads are always awful; I remember that racist one with the cartoon pandas who talked like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's was particularly awful.

          1. Barb

            I'm knitting baby booties, waiting for Jeff to say that he is hungry. Happy hour hasn't started yet.

            The friend that I always bitch about, who is besties with Ann Coulter is a Giants fan. Go Patriots!

          2. SorosBot

            I was just pissed that she didn't play any of her 80s songs – which I like – only crap from Vogue (which is when she started going downhill in my opinion) onwards. Where's Like a Virgin or Holiday?

    4. Biff

      I'm not a football fan, I'm more of a fair-weather 'niners fan. I don't watch any games until the end, and only if they're in. Actually, it's not just football, it's all of the ball sports that have gone out on strike more than once, which I think is, yeah, all of them.

  18. johnnyzhivago

    I used to go to Las Vegas a lot for business – usually big computer or telecom shows. I was there once and my cab driver asked if I was in town for the "big show". I said yes. Then he asked if I was a dealer or a producer. I then explained I was more of a producer. Then he asked me what kind of films I made. I looked at him strangely – and then he said "you're here for the adult video convention, right". And I said, no I was here for the Cellular Telephone Industry Association.

    I realized then that adult video was probably a bigger business than cellular telecommunication.

    Then he said Las Vegas had gone all to hell ever since it was taken over from the mob by "Corporate America". "No fun any more since the mob left town".

    1. ThundercatHo

      When those guys heard they were dealing with Barb they just got right off the plane, had their shoes shined and went on home.

  19. johnnyzhivago

    I don't watch a single football game all year and neither does anyone else in this house, so exactly WHY are we having a SuperBowl party. This year a couple of my kids friends are over – I think because their parents are having REAL superbowl parties and they want them out of the house.

    1. Negropolis

      That's usually hw you can tell new homes from "old" ones, in Vegas. I'm not even sure developers are allowed to have grass, anymore.

  20. HistoriCat

    home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons.

    With the exception of "non" is there any other kind of voting Mormon?

    1. SorosBot

      Ken Jennings – he's actually taken some shit from the Mormon church for endorsing Obama in 2008.

    2. EatFrankRich

      Jack Mormons, the whisky guzzling rebels of the LDS world. If they can sober up enough to get to the polls, they tend to vote Dem.

  21. fuflans

    "yeah honey, i put the romney sign out, right next to the garbage can.

    now, pass the melted cheese please."

        1. C_R_Eature

          I love the fact that Olestra was found to cause Anal Leakage and people continued to scarf them mercilessly. Only in America!

          1. MittBorg

            There's whole posts all over the web about how to deal with the embarrassing leakage. Oddly enough, not one of them suggests NOT EATING the damn stuff.

  22. ttommyunger

    Hmmmm. I know the Super Bowl Game is being played today. Just realized that I couldn't name the teams if someone pulled a gun on me or offered me five large. Played in HS and College, Varsity Letters in both, but not very good. Don't give a flying fuck about spectator sports. On the road of life there are pedestrians, by-standers, passengers and hitch-hikers… If I can't drive, I ain't going.

    1. Rotundo_

      Just for safety's sake, or to profit you five large, it's the patriots vs. the giants. And really nobody gives a rats about it except the northeasters and most of them probably don't either. I'll catch the highlights reel in the morning and get the commercials and save a few hours. As for Madge and the halftime, at least it will be better than Lee Greenwood or Ted Nugent.

  23. Nothingisamiss

    Writing that space aliens will take us over later this year is the most optimistic thing I read in this post.

  24. Blueb4sunrise

    Am not watching.
    Will bring news of the weird and music until I don't feel like doing that anymore…..say…….15 minutes or so.
    More important than the game is that Leroy Carr was from Indianapolis

    Local news.
    Homeland Security agent shoots at suspect in bowling alley parking lot
    Walmart greeters still greet, but duties change

    Mormon Sexytime News. ‘Sister Wives’

    Okay, one more…all you need to know, the guy's name is

    Crnokrak, (pronounced sir-no-crack)

    1. unclejeems

      Um, at a bowling alley, huh? Those Homeland Security agents must work for an anti-terrorism strike force.

    2. gurukalehuru

      One other, minor point about Mr. Crnokrak is that Crno, or Cerno or Cerny, is panSlavic for "black." (Cernobyl means black and white, and it's a kind of flower). So his name means black krak.

      1. paris biltong

        Smoked some a while back. Didn't come down for days. In Cerna Gora, where everything is legal.

  25. chascates

    Bring on the Apricock-tober surprise!! Only one left after tax filing day! So wounded and slaphappy he'll only be fodder for Letterman, et al.

    Stewart and Colbert will concentrate on the GOP-lead house.

    On my birthday in July marijuana will be decriminalized nation-wide.

    By Labor Day I'll have won the Mega Millions and am on my way to Europe!!!!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      More like an exercise program than dancing. Lunge 2-3-4. Squat 2-3-4. Did the audience even know that CeLo and Nicki Minaj were there (not that it mattered)? When she came out in her last outfit even my mother said, "She's putting on MORE clothes??"

    2. Biff

      Hah! A friend of mine worked the event, and this is what he said about the week's worth of rehearsals:

      "…Amazing how the music and voice were identical each time, and I saw her singing into the microphone.

  26. Come here a minute

    Chrysler! What a relief — for a minute I thought Clint Eastwood was running for president.

  27. MittBorg

    Hmm. First you're determining the hawtness of the mocha-coloured, and now you're determining the gayness of shows.

    I don't suppose it's just even slightly possible that you're a mocha-coloured gay person, are you?

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Whitest and straightest of (old) white straight guys. Just have a touch of jungle-fever where Tamron’s concerned. And contempt for ostentatious displays of bad taste.

  28. Jukesgrrl

    OT: Aww, Ben Gazzara died. My fave story about him: in 1969 he and Robert Vaughn smuggled a Czech waitress out of Czechoslovakia, defeating the forces of THRUSH for realz. Now that was a guy.

        1. Barb

          Biff, did you see that shit? This is a man who announced that I am a "sleep farter" and now he knows that I want a pet.

          1. Barb

            And even weirder than real life, I am sitting here and waiting for my husband to reply. He's less than a foot away from me.

      1. Barb

        Boo, I love you, seriously. I posted a "see ya later" post and then you told me you posted this. Let's go and figure out where we left that package of "hospital panties" that we bought a few weeks ago. They are white and quite Granny-like.

        1. Barb

          Seriously! I just got this e-mail.
          "Jeffer is now following the comments you've made in IntenseDebate. This means they have opted to view updates of your latest comments."

          Now you are following me, Jeffer? For six years of married life, I shine your shoes, I cut your hair, I raise 2 monkeys for you, I cook your food, I pack your lunch, I am there for sexy time and now you are "following me?"

        2. Jeffer

          Well, usually, I just look slightly to the left and read your posts.
          I just wanted to find out where to post, "Barb is Okay, and I just poured myself 3 fingers of Absout".

          1. Barb

            Jeffery Alan, you make the baby Jesus cry. Dude, you did understand what Dr Okun said with that "6 weeks, no sex" right? Yeah, I'm not having oral surgery.

            I just laughed more than I have in 2 months.

          2. Jeffer

            All the hard stuff in the house is Cuervo and Absolut. Which we bought for Barb's sister, or as I like to call her "The Banshee that sucks the life and money from men".

          3. Barb

            Jeff, seriously, do we have to resort to Native American names for Nancy? I thought that we settled for the name "Dances with Beaver" for her, greedy bisexual she is.

            You are the one who fell for her, asking for your Visa card at Victoria's wedding, "I need to pay for a drink." It was an open bar and you paid for that open bar.

          4. Jeffer

            I think your sister is a "Whateversexual" which is a bit different from Bi. In theory anyway.
            Yep, I wanted her away from me and sometimes that's worth the money, LOL.

        3. MittBorg

          Trust me on this. Granny panties are JUST what you need for the horse spittle. Ain't nobody gonna be lookin' at your underroos anywho, and you'll need to keep your belly and the stitches covered. I trust the Manitobain who tells me everything.

  29. SorosBot

    Did anyone know that Smash is premiering tomorrow, or that The Voice is premiering after the Superbowl? Good thing NBC is giving this crap some promotion instead of leaving their ads for quality shows like 30 Rock or (sigh) Community.

    1. Barb

      I wanna know how they made Christine Agulara look thin in the commercial. She's a lovely gal, yet is a little fluffy, bless her hear.

      1. DemmeFatale

        I loved the SNL skit poking fun during her dirty phase.
        While shooting a video, "Christina" says: "I'm not feeling the skank! Someone rub me down with a pork chop!"

  30. Barb

    Oh for fucks sake, Santorum said that there is a tie between abortions and cancer. Too bad there isn't a tie between outrageous lying and cancer.

      1. Barb

        Palin had to chime in on Planned Parenthood. That's two things she knows nothing about, planning and parenthood.

          1. MittBorg

            I've been on Twitter way longer than on Wonketz. I use it for political stuff only. You're more than welcome to come spy on me. My username is the same as my blogname.

            I can't explain Barb. She's a hellion in heels.

          1. Barb

            You are very sweet, thanks! My tweets are so freaking boring that you would last 5 minutes before you went running screaming into the night. It's just Jeff, my BFF, Bill and me, making inside jokes that no one else would care to read.

    1. SorosBot

      For fuck's sake., That zombie lie just won't die. Learn about a thing called science, Rick, you evil motherfucking cocksucking woman-hating pile of bat shit.

    1. Negropolis


      Watching her flip across the stage aided by the young'uns was pretty entertaining all by itself, bless her heart.

    1. Barb

      Football season is over. We still have hockey, golf and Wonkette.
      Did you see that a poll said Republicans have more orgasms? I think the poll is wrong because Democrats were too busy having sex to respond.

          1. SorosBot

            I was once involved with a Republican woman, and sex with her might as well have been sex with a Real Doll; she would just lie down and have me do everything. It really wasn't all that fun.

          2. Barb

            I was once involved with an ex State Delaware State Trooper. He would just lie down and command me. He had a dark blue Crown Victoria and he would go to Kennet Square, PA to harass the Mexican mushroom pickers, acting like he was still a cop.

          3. MittBorg

            Dear god you guys are ALL a buncha fucking bozos. Why on earth you'd want to sleep with creeps is beyond me. I'm proud to say that I've fucked a lotta crazy people in my life, but never a conservative. Although I was once involved with a man who I think had conservative leanings. But then he punched me out over something insignificant, and when I recovered, asked me to thrash him, and was most put out when I refused. I think I draw the line at *that* level of crazy. I'm not into getting beaten up or beating anyone else up.

        1. MissTaken

          Lies! Everyone knows the female orgasm is a myth perpetuated by lesbians as a recruiting tool. Now let me get back to having missionary sex with a sheet in-between with my closeted gay husband like a good GOP wife.

          1. SorosBot

            The clitoris is just a conspiracy made up by scientists, like global warming, evolution and the Earth going around the sun.

        1. Barb

          Do they take Pay Pal and will the packages be sent in discreet brown paper wrapping? I got burned once at the

      1. ThundercatHo

        I'll bet if they specified "between 2 consenting adults with both partners achieving climax" the numbers might be different. But, you are still relying on Republicans to tell the truth.

      1. Negropolis

        Well, given that I have an affinity to neither team, my only wish was that I got to see Tom Brady cry, and really, that is enough given the lose-lose situation, here. Let him go cry into the arms of his supermodel girlfriend. Fuck it; he still won, and I still loss. :(

        Also, I'm happy for Eli so that the media can put the rest the whole "he's not as good as his brother" bullshit. That dude gets no respect. He wins the Superbowl, and their still shitting on him.

  31. Maman

    Bah. I got to enjoy Super Bowl XLVI or birthday 46 as I prefer to see it. I had fewer attendees. I couldn't even have my husband show. I hate the super bowl bah, humbug. blah.

        1. MittBorg

          So sorry to hear that. (Warm and heartfelt hugs)

          Under the circs, one hardly knows whether birthday wishes are in order, my dear. I wish you instead a very happy reunion with your loved ones at the earliest possible moment. Also chocolate cake, if that is your desire.

    1. Biff

      Gah. I already hate birthdays, especially my own, but throw in dead people and they totally suck. Sorry, but happy birthday anyway…

      1. Barb

        You bitch! I was telling Jeff tonight that if I had a Camaro it would would be bright orange, lol! Classic, thanks for sharing!

        1. MittBorg

          I once owned a Datsun 240Z in the exact shade of rust as my vacuum cleaner. I told everyone I got them to match.

          You have no idea what preposterous shit you can get people to believe if you just look convincing enough. (PuppyDogEyes)

          1. Steverino247

            I remember the joke about the man who went to the pet shop and asked for a Dachshund. The pet store man said, "They changed their name to Nissan."

          2. MittBorg

            Oh GAWD, Chet, you just HAVE to remind me how old I am, don'tcha? Whippersnapper. I swear to god I was a working adult when your Dad was still talking to you about your underroos.

          3. Dashboard Buddha

            I've got a pretty hefty scar on my leg and once while wearing shorts another patron in the potato restaurant (seriously…a potato restaurant) asked me how I got it. I told her that my uncle was a member of the Saigon embassy and I was visiting him on spring break. I got out first because I was hit by a piece of glass from a shattered window.

            I feel bad about it now…but it was pretty funny at the time.

    1. C_R_Eature

      'That's Limbaugh. It looks like he's just taking a bump of ground Oxy. I'm sure he's too classy to go picking his nose in public.
      Did you "Expand" the image? I did, and the group suddenly looked like the inside of that Mos Eisely bar.
      Man, Either Steven Tyler's hurled himself of the wagon again, or all that Hard Road he's seen has all caught up with his face.

    2. proudgrampa

      Looks more to me like he's sniffing his finger after sticking it under his armpit, à la Mary Katherine Gallagher .

  32. Steverino247

    "The clitoris is just a conspiracy made up by scientists, like global warming, evolution and the Earth going around the sun."

    Then what the hell was I chewing on earlier today?

  33. GregComlish

    Technically prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas proper. The legal brothels are all located just outside the city limits. This is what a friend once told me.

    1. Negropolis

      It's actually done by county, and it is, inded, illegal in Clark County. Prostitution is mostly illegal in the urbanized (by Nevada standards) counties, so it gets pushed out into the desert…literally.

      1. Biff

        This joint is at the end of a paved road, just beyond which is a dirt road that leads to some acreage I own over in California, some 8 miles distant. It's right next door to this other joint. Links are, of course, NSFW.

  34. Negropolis

    Romney wins a state that Obama is sure to win in November. In other news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still bery much dead.

    …when Mittens will withdraw in a rare display of personal shame.

    Bwahahahahaha! Mittens in posession of shame. lol That'll be the fucking day. ha! His operators have been trying to install that software for years, and it continues to reject it.

  35. Barb

    Okay, bitches! I'm outta here. It's time for me to prepared to have my uterus and some other precious lady parts yanked out. I'm going to go and burn in hell for not bowing to the GOP and having many babies to fluff up America. Damn those fertile Mexicans and their "competitive reproduction."

    I'm waiting for Santorum to announce that hysterectomies cause uterine cancer. My only regret is that I only have time for one more abortion, thanks to Planned Parenthood!

    If I die, see you in hell, bitches! I hate all of you! If I live, I love all of you, sans one. Be kind to one another, keep the snark alive. I sent naked pictures to some of ya'll. Gosh, I hope I remembered to attach them to the e-mail.

    Seriously, I am honored to have spent time with such an excellent, witty, charming and intelligent group of people here on Wonkette. Wait, Jeff opened a bag of Cheetos, be back later……

      1. Barb

        Thanks Chet! I've known about the surgery for 3 months now. My husband is on Wonkette and is replying, lol. It's like "sock puppet theater for sex free couples for 6 weeks" LOL!

    1. Negropolis

      Don't worry, Barb. We will make sure no one tries to take your chair at the Table of Wonkette Snark while you're temporarily out of commission. Be back soon.

    2. Steverino247

      I hope you remembered the stool softeners. Hope everything comes out alright!

      (And now off to cry myself to sleep because I wasn't on the distribution list for those nude pictures…)

      1. MittBorg

        Yeah, she din't send me none, neither. I'm thinkin' it's a giant hoax so we'll all fight each other to the death and then she'll show up and say "What nekky pikkies?" and we'll look like complete schlumps.

    3. Extemporanus

      Best wishes for a hassel-free hoohaw job and speedy bounce-back, Bar. After your little red Corvette's souped up, you're gonna be faster than ever.

    4. SorosBot

      Barb, we'll be thinking about you, and your uterus, all week; we all love ya, and hope you'll be well and snarking away at everyone as soon as possible.

    5. paris biltong

      Don't forget to take your p's along, if only to impress upon the nursing staff that you are to be treated as a VIP.
      Bon courage.

    6. Barrelhse

      Hope to see you back here very soon, good luck- and you know we're all concerned and thinking about you.

    7. Mojopo

      Barb, I hope to here from you soon. All my best and have a speedy recovery. Please tell me this isn't an out-patient procedure… I had an ovary removed a few years back and was home by lunch. Very wrong. Whatever.

      Hey, will they put your junk in a jar and let you bring it home? You could take it to pro-choice rallies and freak people out.

      Feel better & love you much!

    8. ShaveTheWhales

      Will you be live-blogging?

      Best wishes for a completely unexciting experience and a quick recovery.

      1. HistoriCat

        Barb might not be up to live-blogging, what with the anesthesia and all. We could all chip in for a plane ticket for Ken – he could live-blog the shit out of that.

    9. Nothingisamiss

      I see I'm late to the We Love Barb and Wish Her Well Party, but I brought snacks and wine!

      We do love you, Barb, although I hear that without a uterus women can longer be funny. Apparently it's the most important ladybit there is? I'm happy to hear Jeff still loves you even though you're not a "real woman" according to many many winguts. To me, you'll always be a cute little ktten with a big mouth and warm heart.

    10. Spurning Beer

      Our breeding program for advanced wise-ass female quipsters is going to have to rely on cloning, then, if you're not going to propagate, huh?

      You'll be faster and funnier without all that plumbing slowing you down, baby doll.

    11. JustPixelz

      I'm too late!

      While you are retiring your lady parts from active duty, other people in this world are thinking of you and how you make us laugh (and sometimes shake our fists). And it isn't the funny words next to a kitten avatar that gives us pause to think about you. It's the wonderful real person who shows through.

      We do love you.

      1. MittBorg

        (Hugs teh Pixelz) You know what? Truer words were never spoken. Barb is a genuinely good, kind person, and it shows. And so are you, because you can see it.

        And so are the rest of ya, before you start yer bitchin'!

  36. Negropolis

    Mark 8:36 "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" – Socialist Jesus

    Read the Bahbuhl, Mittens!

    1. MittBorg

      Honey, Mittens reads the Book of Mormon, wherein it is written: If thou shouldst gain the whole world, thy soul counts as but little to set against such a great gain, and thy profits shall be accounted with much rejoicing among the daughters of men, yea verily, those that are bimbettes the most of all. And they shall clasp thee to their abundant bosoms that are both fair and delightsome and as bouncy as silicon can make them."

    2. BlueStateLibel

      Unfortunately, you have to have a soul for that to apply to you, and Mittens doesn't have one.

  37. James Michael Curley

    I gave it two page views. But I'm bipolar.

    You don't have to tell him that!

    S'Ok! Ken's one of the good guys.

    He's a snarky cynic and he'll tell everyone.

    Listen, just take your meds and get ready for work.

  38. Dashboard Buddha

    Sadly…despite my overactive conscience, I don't admit to the story unless forced. Somewhere there woman close to my age out there who is telling folks about this brave guy she met at 1 Potato 2 (I think that was the name).

    Of course, she could also be telling folks about this lying douchebag she met one day so I guess it a wash.

Comments are closed.