jesus wept

What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?

You don't even need to be reminded that this was one of Santorum's campaign quotes, right?The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.”

Ann Coulter said this about Occupy Wall Street protesters. Ha ha so lulzy.You click the picture to find out what sociopathic amoral “GOP thought leader” pooped that particular hate blob from their mouth. In the example above, that was how dull crone Ann Coulter suggested peaceful citizens protesting economic distress be treated by the federal authorities: She happily suggested they be murdered by the National Guard, for peaceful assembly. So much lulz, or weeping, if you start to actually think about it all. [Tea Party Jesus]

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    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Nothing against Jesus, but Conservative leaders never live in Conservative Places. Rush Limbaugh: New York and then Palm Beach County, FLA. Sean Hannity, NYC. Can you think of a single important Conservative that is not required to live somewhere to hold office who actually lives in Arkansas or Mississippi? And, even then, any who can move to DC with their jobs, move to DC and stay away from where Conservative policies actually are in place.

      Which makes senes, as strangely enough, Places like Florida, Texas, South Carolina etc. with Conservative governments are floudering more than most in this economy.

      Conservatism: We want you to live with it, but we want to be the hell away from it!

      1. tessiee

        The rednecks and bible nuts who live in the shitty parts of the country may be — I think the expression is "useful idiots" — but if Limbaugh, O'Reilly, et. al. actually had to live on the same street as Cletus and Brandine and their many sociopathic children and untrained violent dogs, they'd kill themselves in a day.

  1. Barb

    Meh, Jesus has nothing to do with the tea party. Imagine trying to find three wise men and a virgin between them all.

    1. SorosBot

      Looking at the teabaggers, I certainly hope they're all virgins; the thought of those old bloated things having sex is too much to bear.

          1. GOPCrusher

            Remember when Teabaggers denied being affiliated with the Republiklans? They were so cute back then.

          2. Radiotherapy

            Remember when for the fetus months of the teabaggers existence they didn't know why we were snickering? Good times, good times.

      1. Barb

        I don't want to think about teabagger sex. Let's talk about something more festive. How about a fetus BBQ?

          1. Barb

            Not having developed kneecaps yet makes the whole cooking process soooo much better. I have a soft spot for some fontanelle and fontina cheese.

    2. Guppy

      Any GOP woman who managed to develop breasts and hips before being molested is probably a virgin for life.

      1. Baconzgood

        I saw him once on his Cinelli Vigorelli bunny hopping curbs while wearing a PBR sports jacket. Man has style with his big ass mutton chops.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Since 9/11 changed everything, I'm still wondering why we don't have a National Holiday to commemorate it.

      1. Callyson

        I fear that wingnuts will get the idea that we should dump Labor Day for a 9.11 day. You know, because honoring labor is socialist atheistic commie crap and all…

  2. actor212

    Jesus looks like He's examining His penis after living with Mary Magdalene.

    Just sayin' He don't want to go meet His Dad with spots on his man-bits.

  3. littlebigdaddy

    Well, American Jeebus would be pro-gun, pro-war, pro-death penalty, and anti-the poors and browns, right? And really, really cool with rich white guys.

    1. Guppy

      Meanwhile, we at Wonkette are bastions of civilization, upholding high moral standards and a boon to the community at large.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Those Bible guys totally ripped that Flood story off from the Epic of Gilgamesh.
        Good thing the Sumerians never found out, cause the Babylonian Copyright laws were fierce.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Don't think so, but I could see Ol' Walt producing some bogus Paper & getting his law firm to sue the Balls off the Sumerians, just on general principles.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Simon Hammurabi? He's the guy who filed suit to get that Uruk Scroll-Sharing site shut down.

            He was good.

  4. SorosBot

    Well of course Jesus was a teabagger; remember his parable of the horrible Samaritan who interfered with the free market when it decreed a man was supposed to slowly die on the side of the road.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Yeah, and how much did Jesus charge for healing all the sick people? Cause I know that guy was knee deep in little children's iPads, shekels, whatever they had, cause otherwise, why else would Jesus do all that research?

    2. Ruhe

      Sometimes he did sound like a Randian Teabagger:

      “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. "
      Luke 14-26

  5. Mort_Sinclair

    I don't think those are pics of Jesus. Jesus had blue eyes, a western European nose, porcelain skin, a square jaw, and blond hair. Pikers.

  6. Fare la Volpe

    Jesus couldn't be a tea partier: Jesus had two daddies, a mother who wasn't married, and there were black people at his birthday party.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I always wondered where Jeebus got his Y chromosome.

        Courtesy of XKCD, a new and improved mnemonic for memorizing the planets:
        MVEMJSUN = "Mary's Virgin Explanation Made Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbor"

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let's face it. If Jesus was alive today, he would be getting ready to retire on his hundreds of millions in Facebook stock, driving a Ferrari, and getting by on his Dad's name.

  8. C_R_Eature

    So I guess this whole "clear the Moneychangers from the Temple" thing was actually a Leveraged Buyout of a host of small, structurally vulnerable firms, followed by efficiency gains, Corporate Synergy, consolidation and creation of one effective Capital Conversion Monopoly?

    Or is that Bain Capital Jesus? There's so many these days, I get confused.

      1. SorosBot

        When it comes to people like Coulter, it was actually a Jewish guy who said it best: Even Jesus would never forgive what you do.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Jesus this, Jesus that — all the real Christians know that Jesus had nothing to do with the Christian Church, which began at some point during the Acts of the Apostles, by which point Jesus was just some apparition who let everyone touch his holes and didn't annoy people with his "be nice to each other" preaching.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      let everyone touch his holes

      "Glory glory hole-e-lluia
      Glory glory, what's it to ya
      Balmy breezes blowing through ya
      'Cause__you're__not__real__at__all" ♬

  10. Callyson

    From that tumblr site:
    The only way to make your enemy a friend is to defeat them or kill them
    So forget all that business about turning the other cheek: time for the Jesus War. We begin bombing in five minutes!

  11. BigDumbRedDog

    Sorry, but I'm too busy undermining the very foundation of our country to pay attention to this. Ooh, I wonder what this post does? I'm just gonna give it a little push . . .

  12. BigDumbRedDog

    I am planning to pee on santorum's corpse just as soon as he dies on that hill. Die already! Why won't you die?!

    1. HistoriCat

      Do you wonder if maybe he thinks that about his sick kid? She'll probably too late to give him a boost in the primaries.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        The whole "rape-babies are gifts from God"-thing was bad enough. But if I was running for Prez & was consistently polling next to last with no chance of getting the nom, I'd end my campaign to spend as much time as possible with my very ill little daughter.
        But that's just me.

      2. tessiee

        He could always schlep her around to public appearances as a prop, the way You Know Who did with *her* youngest.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      You could probably get 100,000 Taliban to join you in that solemn ceremony. And I'm in, too.

  13. Beowoof

    What would teabagger Jesus do, I think the one from the Bible might ask to be crucified to get away from the teabaggers.

  14. FakaktaSouth

    Okay wait, that first one, where they quote Mittens and the "Democrat Party" will blah blah the poor and all that – Did anyone else notice when he actually said that quote he choked all over "Democrat" – you could TELL he was TOTALLY trying to be SURE NOT TO SAY the ic. Democrat-ic. SOMEONE has coached him on this relentlessly. Mitt's a neat anthropological study on being a terrible politician for a terrible party full of nothing but terrible bullshit jabs and sneers.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Ah, yes. Good ear. It says a lot about the Republican party that it has become a shibboleth for them for a Presidential candidate to never refer to the party he would have to negotiate with every day by their actual name, but rather by a grade-school calibre insult. Next step: no candidate will be able to be elected as a Republican unless the candidate agrees never to refer to the Democratic party as anything but the "Poopyhead Party".

      But the conditioning can have interesting side effects. I still remember being amused listening to some member of the Wingnutjungend who got a job as a policy person in Iraq, apparently because he gave the right answers about hating Roe v. Wade in the job interview. He kept talking about how he was committed to "Building a Democrat Iraq — I mean, democratic Iraq." Poor lil' trained monkey had to correct himself like that several times.

  15. paris biltong

    This is boring, could we do Oscar picks instead? News from Hollywood suggests that Improved Job Picture Poses Risks to Obama and Romney. Didn't see it. Any good?

  16. Sassomatic

    And Jesus divided the loaves and fishes until there was enough to feed all the hungry, and then he kept all of the loaves and fishes for himself, that the hungry might learn responsibility.

  17. Antispandex

    I once read this quote: “The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.”
    As a Christian, it made me very uncomfortable…because I knew it might be true. But then again, I had hope, because I realized I only felt uncomfortable because I had a soul. This site won't make a Teapublican / Christian uncomfortable.

    1. tessiee

      I make it a point not to use the word "Christian" as a blanket term, because some of my friends and family are Christians, and they're nothing like the hateful extremists, who I distinguish by referring to them as "bible nuts" or "christopaths".

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Well, hoo-fucking-goddamn-ray. About 9 of the 10 quotes on Tea Party Jesus's first page are from Tennessee GOP morons. Which makes me wonder, who would Jesus carpet bomb?

  19. Tundra Grifter

    There's a plethora to select from, but I still think the worst Ann Falter quote is her crack about the 9/11 widows enjoying so much the deaths of their spouses.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Nice timing on the post, there, even if it wasn't intentional — John 3:16: "for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, who he had to fuck a virgin to produce, to tell us to be nice to each other, which generations upon generations of his followers have subsequently interpreted to mean they should murder, rape and otherwise persecute anyone who disagrees with them as long as they say they're doing it with love in their hearts." I'm paraphrasing a bit there, but you get the gist.

  21. sezme

    This Jesus you speak of seems pretty fair and balanced. But before taking him seriously I would need to have a look at his birth certificate.

    1. Negropolis

      You've going to make him go all the way back up to heaven to stand in a long line to prove his birf? For shame.

  22. prommie

    And thou shalt throw the Holy Hand Grenade at thy enemies
    and they, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

  23. owhatever

    Jesus was a Capricorn,
    He ate organic food.
    He believed in love and peace,
    And never wore no shoes,
    He had long hair, beard and sandles
    And a funky bunch of friends.
    Betcha they'd just beat him up,
    If he came down again.

  24. fuflans

    this was so gross i just went and reread the beatitudes.

    speaking as a not so practicing religious type, that's a pretty beautiful belief system.

  25. Walkinwiddaking

    Ann Coulter simply stated that certain segments of the American population are demonic. What's the problem?

  26. Catabite

    Pssh, so this kind of shit is okay, but I wasn't allowed to put a "Hang in there, Baby!" Jesus poster in the church nursery. Talk about double standards.

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