jesus wept

What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?

You don't even need to be reminded that this was one of Santorum's campaign quotes, right?The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.”

Ann Coulter said this about Occupy Wall Street protesters. Ha ha so lulzy.You click the picture to find out what sociopathic amoral “GOP thought leader” pooped that particular hate blob from their mouth. In the example above, that was how dull crone Ann Coulter suggested peaceful citizens protesting economic distress be treated by the federal authorities: She happily suggested they be murdered by the National Guard, for peaceful assembly. So much lulz, or weeping, if you start to actually think about it all. [Tea Party Jesus]

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  • nounverb911

    Well, He wouldn't move to Washington State.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Nothing against Jesus, but Conservative leaders never live in Conservative Places. Rush Limbaugh: New York and then Palm Beach County, FLA. Sean Hannity, NYC. Can you think of a single important Conservative that is not required to live somewhere to hold office who actually lives in Arkansas or Mississippi? And, even then, any who can move to DC with their jobs, move to DC and stay away from where Conservative policies actually are in place.

      Which makes senes, as strangely enough, Places like Florida, Texas, South Carolina etc. with Conservative governments are floudering more than most in this economy.

      Conservatism: We want you to live with it, but we want to be the hell away from it!

      • GhostBuggy

        Be fair. If they lived in those places, there would be fewer rentboys for them to hire.

      • tessiee

        The rednecks and bible nuts who live in the shitty parts of the country may be — I think the expression is "useful idiots" — but if Limbaugh, O'Reilly, et. al. actually had to live on the same street as Cletus and Brandine and their many sociopathic children and untrained violent dogs, they'd kill themselves in a day.

  • Barb

    Meh, Jesus has nothing to do with the tea party. Imagine trying to find three wise men and a virgin between them all.

    • SorosBot

      Looking at the teabaggers, I certainly hope they're all virgins; the thought of those old bloated things having sex is too much to bear.

      • Radiotherapy

        Anal virgins might be harder to find.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Aren't most of the teabaggers republican?

          • GOPCrusher

            Remember when Teabaggers denied being affiliated with the Republiklans? They were so cute back then.

          • Radiotherapy

            Remember when for the fetus months of the teabaggers existence they didn't know why we were snickering? Good times, good times.

      • Fare la Volpe

        How do they…y'know…fit together?

        • SorosBot

          I think most of them can't even find their own genitalia, covered in those rolls of fat.

      • Barb

        I don't want to think about teabagger sex. Let's talk about something more festive. How about a fetus BBQ?

        • SorosBot

          Mmm, pass me that blastocyst sauce!

          • Barb

            Not having developed kneecaps yet makes the whole cooking process soooo much better. I have a soft spot for some fontanelle and fontina cheese.

          • Radiotherapy

            Let's not forget: the placenta makes a great little personal pizza.

          • widestanceshakedown

            Nobody makes a better placenta pudding than you, mother.

        • Fare la Volpe

          You should try them basted in uterine sauce with a fallopian garnish. Yummy yummy!

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            And braised placenta, yummm…

          • AlterNewt

            Now that's good eatin'!

    • Radiotherapy

      You could, however, find a few asses.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      The virgin is no problem. Just wait around the men's room. One will pop up. Probablty the same rentboy each time

    • Guppy

      Any GOP woman who managed to develop breasts and hips before being molested is probably a virgin for life.

    • MRjonz

      What about the Immaculate Bristol?

  • nounverb911

    Destroy Florida for voting for that cultish fellow?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    "cast the money changers into the rest stop"
    Book Of Larry

    • Oblios_Cap

      "Walk softly and keep a wide stance."

  • hollywooddood

    Jesus would puke.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    fap fap fap fap fap

  • nounverb911

    Stone Newt for adultery?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Callista will peck your eyes out for that, you heretic.

      • nounverb911

        With her beak?

        • Dashboard Buddha

          botox can make a nice hard surface.

  • Baconzgood

    I was into Tea-Party Jesus before most people even heard of it

    -Hipster-

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Man, he had the sweetest fixie.

      • Baconzgood

        I saw him once on his Cinelli Vigorelli bunny hopping curbs while wearing a PBR sports jacket. Man has style with his big ass mutton chops.

    • tessiee

      Is it too hipster to make fun of hipsters?

    • Negropolis

      Jesus was so much cooler before he became popular.

  • http://www.proofnpudding.com muthalovin

    As long as I get tea party jesus birthday/death day off, I am fine with it.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Since 9/11 changed everything, I'm still wondering why we don't have a National Holiday to commemorate it.

      • widestanceshakedown

        The 9/11 / back-to-school cross-selling opportunities are staggering.

        • Crank_Tango

          I can't wait to get me some commemorative mitt romney usamericanflag mom jeans.

          • widestanceshakedown

            I can't wait to fly a couple of planes into them (Mitt's, not yours, of course).

      • Callyson

        I fear that wingnuts will get the idea that we should dump Labor Day for a 9.11 day. You know, because honoring labor is socialist atheistic commie crap and all…

        • SorosBot

          Well they already turned Armistice Day into Soldier's Day, so that wouldn't surprise me.

  • chascates

    Jesus the Plumber.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Jesus looks like He's examining His penis after living with Mary Magdalene.

    Just sayin' He don't want to go meet His Dad with spots on his man-bits.

    • Guppy

      Wouldn't he just be able to, I dunno… heal it?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        You think Dad wouldn't be able to see the scarring?

        • Guppy

          "Uh… Longinus did that!"

  • Joshua Norton

    Jesus had 2 daddies.

    Deal with it.

    • widestanceshakedown

      And a Virgin Beard Mama.

  • chicken_thief

    When you have a massive cock like Ann Coulter does, you can talk shit.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

      And Teabaggers eat it up!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I just want Jeebus to tell me how to bet on the over-under.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's not the same without feces or urine on the iconic imagery.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Well, American Jeebus would be pro-gun, pro-war, pro-death penalty, and anti-the poors and browns, right? And really, really cool with rich white guys.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      His full name was Jeebus Goldman Sachs Christ. I saw the original birf certificate.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      All that curing-the-sick stuff? Promotional free samples.

  • paris biltong

    Jesus Fucking Christ, this site is in poor taste. It's also lame: how do who view the pix?

    • Guppy

      Meanwhile, we at Wonkette are bastions of civilization, upholding high moral standards and a boon to the community at large.

      • widestanceshakedown

        With BUTTSECHS!

      • tessiee

        And civilized discourse, class, and refinement.
        I got plenty 'a' that shit.
        *burp*

  • Schmannnity

    It is easier for a 1%er to pass through the eye of a needle . . .

    • Guppy

      I think you mean "through the sphincter of a ten year-old."

    • Crank_Tango

      …after they've been run through a woodchipper?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Tea Party Jesus died
    for somebody's spin,
    but not mine.

    • Schmannnity

      Patti?

      • tessiee

        I'm hangin' barefoot,
        Dyin' for your sins…

  • C_R_Eature

    Where are the Dinosaurs?

    I was told there would be Dinosaurs.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      See Flood, Noah's

      • Fare la Volpe

        A sad day for the loverly unicorn…

        • Loaded_Pants

          They were kept off because they were too gay.

      • C_R_Eature

        Those Bible guys totally ripped that Flood story off from the Epic of Gilgamesh.
        Good thing the Sumerians never found out, cause the Babylonian Copyright laws were fierce.

        • paris biltong

          I'll be damned, I thought it came straight out of Fantasia.

          • C_R_Eature

            Don't think so, but I could see Ol' Walt producing some bogus Paper & getting his law firm to sue the Balls off the Sumerians, just on general principles.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          And old Utnapishtim has a great lawyer by the name of Simon Hammurabi.

          • C_R_Eature

            Simon Hammurabi? He's the guy who filed suit to get that Uruk Scroll-Sharing site shut down.

            He was good.

          • AlterNewt

            I think that might have been his brother, Mort Hammurabi.

          • C_R_Eature

            Huh, really? All these Hammurabis look alike to me!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            His cousin, Greeneggsand.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Sometimes I'm amazed at the direction taken in these threads.

        • MightySix

          Too much education and few chances to use it these days.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          We specialize in nonwoven material.

  • Radiotherapy

    Eat my body and drink my blood, just don't eat fetus.

  • SorosBot

    Well of course Jesus was a teabagger; remember his parable of the horrible Samaritan who interfered with the free market when it decreed a man was supposed to slowly die on the side of the road.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Yeah, and how much did Jesus charge for healing all the sick people? Cause I know that guy was knee deep in little children's iPads, shekels, whatever they had, cause otherwise, why else would Jesus do all that research?

      • SorosBot

        Jesus would never heal the sick without free market incentives.

        • FakaktaSouth

          He's also heavy into tort reform – Lepers are hella litigious.

          • Negropolis

            You shake their hand and a finger falls off and their all like "Imma' sue you, bitch."

    • Ruhe

      Sometimes he did sound like a Randian Teabagger:

      “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. "
      Luke 14-26

      • Loaded_Pants

        Jesus Shrugged?

        • Negropolis

          When you're carrying the entire history and future of humanity on your shoulders, shit happens.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Family Values!!11

  • Mort_Sinclair

    I don't think those are pics of Jesus. Jesus had blue eyes, a western European nose, porcelain skin, a square jaw, and blond hair. Pikers.

    • Barrelhse

      And a mullett.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And muscles.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, everyone knows that Jesus was a Dane.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I don't know. Jesus is just not as cute as cats.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, that LOLChrist website never really took off, did it?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Dear god…there IS a LOLChrist
        http://lolchrist.wordpress.com/

        • BaldarTFlagass

          ZOMFG. Had no idea.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Dashboard Buddha brings us Lolcat Christ. And the Internets are now complete!

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Careful…this might begin the Eschaton

        • ShaveTheWhales

          And it's not bad, as LOLanything goes.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Walking-on-water Disco Jesus!

        • Negropolis

          Bookmarked!

    • SorosBot

      I can haz loavs n fishies?

    • Guppy

      I can has pardon?

    • Crank_Tango

      I can haz jeezebagger?

      • widestanceshakedown

        I can haz whyne and hoars?

    • tessiee

      I can haz jeezburger?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Silly Teabaggers…what part of "Jesus was a Socialist" don't you understand?

  • RedneckMuslin

    WWJD? I'd guess he'd be really pissed if he existed.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Jesus couldn't be a tea partier: Jesus had two daddies, a mother who wasn't married, and there were black people at his birthday party.

    • Loaded_Pants

      And he actually made coherent points.

  • meatlofer

    Are we talking Jesus or JESUS H. CHRIST? Because there is a difference,you know?

    • Barrelhse

      Jesus Christ Almighty, I think.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Jesus W. Christ.

    • MosesInvests

      Jesus Haploid Christ.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I always wondered where Jeebus got his Y chromosome.

        Courtesy of XKCD, a new and improved mnemonic for memorizing the planets:
        MVEMJSUN = "Mary's Virgin Explanation Made Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbor"

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let's face it. If Jesus was alive today, he would be getting ready to retire on his hundreds of millions in Facebook stock, driving a Ferrari, and getting by on his Dad's name.

    • GOPCrusher

      And paying 15% tax rate.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        No taxes…. religious institution!

  • Goonemeritus

    Sure Santorum promises to die on a hill but do you notice he never says when.

    • paris biltong

      And if he don't make it, you know his baby will.

    • Loaded_Pants

      You know who else died on a hill?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Is he taking suggestions?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Why doesn't Rick just advocate burning gays & lesbians as witches and get it over with?

    • widestanceshakedown

      He needs us. Once we're all ashes, what would he have to talk about?

      • tessiee

        Mason jar Jeebus babbies.

    • Loaded_Pants

      He can't say that publicly, he saves that fantasy for his fap sessions.

  • HempDogbane

    "I'll die on that hill." Romney self-deports, Santorum self-crucifies.

    • Guppy

      Do we really need to know about the candidates' masturbation habits?

  • C_R_Eature

    So I guess this whole "clear the Moneychangers from the Temple" thing was actually a Leveraged Buyout of a host of small, structurally vulnerable firms, followed by efficiency gains, Corporate Synergy, consolidation and creation of one effective Capital Conversion Monopoly?

    Or is that Bain Capital Jesus? There's so many these days, I get confused.

  • PsycWench

    Jesus would probably know that Ann Coulter is a nut-job and would never return her phone calls.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Even Jesus would just cold smack her in the balls with a metal folding chair.

      • SorosBot

        When it comes to people like Coulter, it was actually a Jewish guy who said it best: Even Jesus would never forgive what you do.

    • tessiee

      Plus, there's that whole thing with her deep-throating Satan's scaly 19-inch cock on a daily basis.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Jesus this, Jesus that — all the real Christians know that Jesus had nothing to do with the Christian Church, which began at some point during the Acts of the Apostles, by which point Jesus was just some apparition who let everyone touch his holes and didn't annoy people with his "be nice to each other" preaching.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      let everyone touch his holes

      "Glory glory hole-e-lluia
      Glory glory, what's it to ya
      Balmy breezes blowing through ya
      'Cause__you're__not__real__at__all" ♬

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Tea Party Jesus, the real Fool On The Hill.

  • ChernobylSoup

    The mac 'n' cheese at the Last Supper one is so going to be my next Xmas card.

  • Callyson

    From that tumblr site:
    The only way to make your enemy a friend is to defeat them or kill them
    So forget all that business about turning the other cheek: time for the Jesus War. We begin bombing in five minutes!

  • VinnyThePooh

    Needs moar pepper spray.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Teabagger Jeebus is way too thin. Shouldn't he be riding a gubbiment subsidized Rascal?

    • Biff

      Dinosaur.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Sorry, but I'm too busy undermining the very foundation of our country to pay attention to this. Ooh, I wonder what this post does? I'm just gonna give it a little push . . .

    • SorosBot

      You manage to undermine our country and type comments at the exact same time? That takes talent.

      • BigDumbRedDog

        I'm a multitasker!

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I am planning to pee on santorum's corpse just as soon as he dies on that hill. Die already! Why won't you die?!

    • HistoriCat

      Do you wonder if maybe he thinks that about his sick kid? She'll probably too late to give him a boost in the primaries.

      • Loaded_Pants

        The whole "rape-babies are gifts from God"-thing was bad enough. But if I was running for Prez & was consistently polling next to last with no chance of getting the nom, I'd end my campaign to spend as much time as possible with my very ill little daughter.
        But that's just me.

      • tessiee

        He could always schlep her around to public appearances as a prop, the way You Know Who did with *her* youngest.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      You could probably get 100,000 Taliban to join you in that solemn ceremony. And I'm in, too.

  • Beowoof

    What would teabagger Jesus do, I think the one from the Bible might ask to be crucified to get away from the teabaggers.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Okay wait, that first one, where they quote Mittens and the "Democrat Party" will blah blah the poor and all that – Did anyone else notice when he actually said that quote he choked all over "Democrat" – you could TELL he was TOTALLY trying to be SURE NOT TO SAY the ic. Democrat-ic. SOMEONE has coached him on this relentlessly. Mitt's a neat anthropological study on being a terrible politician for a terrible party full of nothing but terrible bullshit jabs and sneers.

    • SorosBot

      I think the Mittbot was suffering a glitch in his pandering subroutines.

    • Chichikovovich

      Ah, yes. Good ear. It says a lot about the Republican party that it has become a shibboleth for them for a Presidential candidate to never refer to the party he would have to negotiate with every day by their actual name, but rather by a grade-school calibre insult. Next step: no candidate will be able to be elected as a Republican unless the candidate agrees never to refer to the Democratic party as anything but the "Poopyhead Party".

      But the conditioning can have interesting side effects. I still remember being amused listening to some member of the Wingnutjungend who got a job as a policy person in Iraq, apparently because he gave the right answers about hating Roe v. Wade in the job interview. He kept talking about how he was committed to "Building a Democrat Iraq — I mean, democratic Iraq." Poor lil' trained monkey had to correct himself like that several times.

  • paris biltong

    This is boring, could we do Oscar picks instead? News from Hollywood suggests that Improved Job Picture Poses Risks to Obama and Romney. Didn't see it. Any good?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    So as far as Ocupados concern her:

    "Coulter don't care if it rains or freezes
    Long as she can hump that plastic Jesus.." ♫

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wait … she has a battery-powered Jeebus?

      ("Oh God Oh God Oh God…")

  • Joshua Norton

    Not to mention Holy Jumped Up Christ on a Bicycle.

    One of my mother's oldies, but goodies.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Jeebus was quite prophetic, even writing in bubble captions

  • Sassomatic

    And Jesus divided the loaves and fishes until there was enough to feed all the hungry, and then he kept all of the loaves and fishes for himself, that the hungry might learn responsibility.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Christ on a crutch!

  • Antispandex

    I once read this quote: “The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.”
    As a Christian, it made me very uncomfortable…because I knew it might be true. But then again, I had hope, because I realized I only felt uncomfortable because I had a soul. This site won't make a Teapublican / Christian uncomfortable.

    • tessiee

      I make it a point not to use the word "Christian" as a blanket term, because some of my friends and family are Christians, and they're nothing like the hateful extremists, who I distinguish by referring to them as "bible nuts" or "christopaths".

  • Tundra Grifter

    Rick Santorum says he'll die on that hill?

    Promises, promises…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Well, hoo-fucking-goddamn-ray. About 9 of the 10 quotes on Tea Party Jesus's first page are from Tennessee GOP morons. Which makes me wonder, who would Jesus carpet bomb?

  • Tundra Grifter

    There's a plethora to select from, but I still think the worst Ann Falter quote is her crack about the 9/11 widows enjoying so much the deaths of their spouses.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Looks like there's a War on Christianity after all. Heads up Bill O. The attackers are in your green room.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Nice timing on the post, there, even if it wasn't intentional — John 3:16: "for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, who he had to fuck a virgin to produce, to tell us to be nice to each other, which generations upon generations of his followers have subsequently interpreted to mean they should murder, rape and otherwise persecute anyone who disagrees with them as long as they say they're doing it with love in their hearts." I'm paraphrasing a bit there, but you get the gist.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Sh*t Jesus Says

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Perhaps to shore-up his wingnut support, Mittens will pick Ann Coulter as his running mate.

  • sezme

    This Jesus you speak of seems pretty fair and balanced. But before taking him seriously I would need to have a look at his birth certificate.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Believe but verify.

    • Biff

      I think Mittens has the original long-form gold plate somewhere.

    • Negropolis

      You've going to make him go all the way back up to heaven to stand in a long line to prove his birf? For shame.

  • prommie

    And thou shalt throw the Holy Hand Grenade at thy enemies
    and they, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

    • Biff

      Countest thou to three…

      • tessiee

        Not four?

        • Biff

          Four shalt thou not count…

          • MosesInvests

            …neither shalt thou count to two, unless immediately followed by three. Five is right out.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    Frankly, Jesus would have bigger things to worry about, like all those uncircumcised, pork-eating gentiles who claim to be his followers.

    • Ruhe

      "I even kept Kosher…just in case."

      Ned Flanders

  • fuflans

    to be fair, jesus was all for tax cuts to end the uncertainty plaguing job creators.

  • cheetojeebus

    And Jesus said unto them " Pull my finger" and they did. Amen.

  • owhatever

    Jesus was a Capricorn,
    He ate organic food.
    He believed in love and peace,
    And never wore no shoes,
    He had long hair, beard and sandles
    And a funky bunch of friends.
    Betcha they'd just beat him up,
    If he came down again.
    –Kristofferson

  • fuflans

    this was so gross i just went and reread the beatitudes.

    speaking as a not so practicing religious type, that's a pretty beautiful belief system.

  • Steverino247

    Blessed are the policy makers, for they shall make a shitload of money.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Ann Coulter simply stated that certain segments of the American population are demonic. What's the problem?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    I love that blog! I actually pointed the guy who does it to Brian Fisher's fun "Jesus would let peoples' houses burn down while he laughed and pointed" quote, a while back. I think he picked a really great image for it.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Some men just want to watch the world burn. That includes Jesus.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        You know who ELSE thought that people who were stingy their money should burn?

    • tessiee

      I would let Ann Coulter's house burn down while i laughed and pointed.

  • Catabite

    Pssh, so this kind of shit is okay, but I wasn't allowed to put a "Hang in there, Baby!" Jesus poster in the church nursery. Talk about double standards.

  • Negropolis

    This. Is. Awesome.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

    I'm really late to the party on this one, but . . . here is my Tea Party Jesus:: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw2MsyRyOW0&li

    This isn't based on any direct quotes, but more on a teabagger vibe I was feeling.

  • ttommyunger

    Gosh Ann, there is good news: Jesus really is coming again. The bad news: He's really pissed!

  • gizdal

    jesus never read the bible…