JESUS WEPT  3:16 pm February 3, 2012

What Would Jesus Do, If He Was a Tea Party Wingnut ‘Christian’?

by Wonkette Jr.

You don't even need to be reminded that this was one of Santorum's campaign quotes, right?The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.”

Ann Coulter said this about Occupy Wall Street protesters. Ha ha so lulzy.You click the picture to find out what sociopathic amoral “GOP thought leader” pooped that particular hate blob from their mouth. In the example above, that was how dull crone Ann Coulter suggested peaceful citizens protesting economic distress be treated by the federal authorities: She happily suggested they be murdered by the National Guard, for peaceful assembly. So much lulz, or weeping, if you start to actually think about it all. [Tea Party Jesus]

 
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{ 201 comments }

nounverb911 February 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Well, He wouldn't move to Washington State.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Nothing against Jesus, but Conservative leaders never live in Conservative Places. Rush Limbaugh: New York and then Palm Beach County, FLA. Sean Hannity, NYC. Can you think of a single important Conservative that is not required to live somewhere to hold office who actually lives in Arkansas or Mississippi? And, even then, any who can move to DC with their jobs, move to DC and stay away from where Conservative policies actually are in place.

Which makes senes, as strangely enough, Places like Florida, Texas, South Carolina etc. with Conservative governments are floudering more than most in this economy.

Conservatism: We want you to live with it, but we want to be the hell away from it!

GhostBuggy February 3, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Be fair. If they lived in those places, there would be fewer rentboys for them to hire.

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:01 pm

The rednecks and bible nuts who live in the shitty parts of the country may be — I think the expression is "useful idiots" — but if Limbaugh, O'Reilly, et. al. actually had to live on the same street as Cletus and Brandine and their many sociopathic children and untrained violent dogs, they'd kill themselves in a day.

Barb February 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Meh, Jesus has nothing to do with the tea party. Imagine trying to find three wise men and a virgin between them all.

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Looking at the teabaggers, I certainly hope they're all virgins; the thought of those old bloated things having sex is too much to bear.

Radiotherapy February 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Anal virgins might be harder to find.

Dashboard Buddha February 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Aren't most of the teabaggers republican?

GOPCrusher February 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Remember when Teabaggers denied being affiliated with the Republiklans? They were so cute back then.

Fare la Volpe February 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

How do they…y'know…fit together?

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I think most of them can't even find their own genitalia, covered in those rolls of fat.

Barb February 3, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I don't want to think about teabagger sex. Let's talk about something more festive. How about a fetus BBQ?

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Mmm, pass me that blastocyst sauce!

Barb February 3, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Not having developed kneecaps yet makes the whole cooking process soooo much better. I have a soft spot for some fontanelle and fontina cheese.

Fare la Volpe February 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

You should try them basted in uterine sauce with a fallopian garnish. Yummy yummy!

starfanglednut February 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And braised placenta, yummm…

Radiotherapy February 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm

You could, however, find a few asses.

actor212 February 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

The virgin is no problem. Just wait around the men's room. One will pop up. Probablty the same rentboy each time

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Any GOP woman who managed to develop breasts and hips before being molested is probably a virgin for life.

MRjonz February 4, 2012 at 2:08 pm

What about the Immaculate Bristol?

nounverb911 February 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Destroy Florida for voting for that cultish fellow?

Gratuitous World February 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

"cast the money changers into the rest stop"
Book Of Larry

Oblios_Cap February 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

"Walk softly and keep a wide stance."

hollywooddood February 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Jesus would puke.

Blueb4sunrise February 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm

fap fap fap fap fap

nounverb911 February 3, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Stone Newt for adultery?

Oblios_Cap February 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Callista will peck your eyes out for that, you heretic.

nounverb911 February 3, 2012 at 3:40 pm

With her beak?

Dashboard Buddha February 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

botox can make a nice hard surface.

Baconzgood February 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I was into Tea-Party Jesus before most people even heard of it

-Hipster-

starfanglednut February 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Man, he had the sweetest fixie.

Baconzgood February 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I saw him once on his Cinelli Vigorelli bunny hopping curbs while wearing a PBR sports jacket. Man has style with his big ass mutton chops.

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Is it too hipster to make fun of hipsters?

Negropolis February 3, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Jesus was so much cooler before he became popular.

muthalovin February 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

As long as I get tea party jesus birthday/death day off, I am fine with it.

Oblios_Cap February 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Since 9/11 changed everything, I'm still wondering why we don't have a National Holiday to commemorate it.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

The 9/11 / back-to-school cross-selling opportunities are staggering.

Crank_Tango February 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I can't wait to get me some commemorative mitt romney usamericanflag mom jeans.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I can't wait to fly a couple of planes into them (Mitt's, not yours, of course).

Callyson February 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I fear that wingnuts will get the idea that we should dump Labor Day for a 9.11 day. You know, because honoring labor is socialist atheistic commie crap and all…

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Well they already turned Armistice Day into Soldier's Day, so that wouldn't surprise me.

chascates February 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Jesus the Plumber.

actor212 February 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Jesus looks like He's examining His penis after living with Mary Magdalene.

Just sayin' He don't want to go meet His Dad with spots on his man-bits.

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Wouldn't he just be able to, I dunno… heal it?

actor212 February 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm

You think Dad wouldn't be able to see the scarring?

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

"Uh… Longinus did that!"

Joshua Norton February 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Jesus had 2 daddies.

Deal with it.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

And a Virgin Beard Mama.

chicken_thief February 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

When you have a massive cock like Ann Coulter does, you can talk shit.

Chillwillard February 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

And Teabaggers eat it up!

SudsMcKenzie February 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I just want Jeebus to tell me how to bet on the over-under.

Oblios_Cap February 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

It's not the same without feces or urine on the iconic imagery.

littlebigdaddy February 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Well, American Jeebus would be pro-gun, pro-war, pro-death penalty, and anti-the poors and browns, right? And really, really cool with rich white guys.

Dudleydidwrong February 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

His full name was Jeebus Goldman Sachs Christ. I saw the original birf certificate.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:39 pm

All that curing-the-sick stuff? Promotional free samples.

paris biltong February 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ, this site is in poor taste. It's also lame: how do who view the pix?

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Meanwhile, we at Wonkette are bastions of civilization, upholding high moral standards and a boon to the community at large.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

With BUTTSECHS!

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:07 pm

And civilized discourse, class, and refinement.
I got plenty 'a' that shit.
*burp*

Schmannnity February 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm

It is easier for a 1%er to pass through the eye of a needle . . .

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I think you mean "through the sphincter of a ten year-old."

Crank_Tango February 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

…after they've been run through a woodchipper?

BaldarTFlagass February 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Tea Party Jesus died
for somebody's spin,
but not mine.

Schmannnity February 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Patti?

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I'm hangin' barefoot,
Dyin' for your sins…

C_R_Eature February 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Where are the Dinosaurs?

I was told there would be Dinosaurs.

Blueb4sunrise February 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm

See Flood, Noah's

Fare la Volpe February 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

A sad day for the loverly unicorn…

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 8:39 pm

They were kept off because they were too gay.

C_R_Eature February 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Those Bible guys totally ripped that Flood story off from the Epic of Gilgamesh.
Good thing the Sumerians never found out, cause the Babylonian Copyright laws were fierce.

paris biltong February 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I'll be damned, I thought it came straight out of Fantasia.

C_R_Eature February 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Don't think so, but I could see Ol' Walt producing some bogus Paper & getting his law firm to sue the Balls off the Sumerians, just on general principles.

Dudleydidwrong February 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm

And old Utnapishtim has a great lawyer by the name of Simon Hammurabi.

C_R_Eature February 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Simon Hammurabi? He's the guy who filed suit to get that Uruk Scroll-Sharing site shut down.

He was good.

Blueb4sunrise February 3, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Sometimes I'm amazed at the direction taken in these threads.

MightySix February 3, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Too much education and few chances to use it these days.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:43 pm

We specialize in nonwoven material.

Radiotherapy February 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Eat my body and drink my blood, just don't eat fetus.

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Well of course Jesus was a teabagger; remember his parable of the horrible Samaritan who interfered with the free market when it decreed a man was supposed to slowly die on the side of the road.

FakaktaSouth February 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Yeah, and how much did Jesus charge for healing all the sick people? Cause I know that guy was knee deep in little children's iPads, shekels, whatever they had, cause otherwise, why else would Jesus do all that research?

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Jesus would never heal the sick without free market incentives.

FakaktaSouth February 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

He's also heavy into tort reform – Lepers are hella litigious.

Negropolis February 4, 2012 at 12:35 am

You shake their hand and a finger falls off and their all like "Imma' sue you, bitch."

Ruhe February 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Sometimes he did sound like a Randian Teabagger:

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. "
Luke 14-26

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Jesus Shrugged?

Negropolis February 4, 2012 at 12:36 am

When you're carrying the entire history and future of humanity on your shoulders, shit happens.

Swampgas_Man February 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

Family Values!!11

Mort_Sinclair February 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I don't think those are pics of Jesus. Jesus had blue eyes, a western European nose, porcelain skin, a square jaw, and blond hair. Pikers.

Barrelhse February 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

And a mullett.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm

And muscles.

Negropolis February 4, 2012 at 12:37 am

Yeah, everyone knows that Jesus was a Dane.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I don't know. Jesus is just not as cute as cats.

BaldarTFlagass February 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Yeah, that LOLChrist website never really took off, did it?

Dashboard Buddha February 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Dear god…there IS a LOLChrist
http://lolchrist.wordpress.com/

BaldarTFlagass February 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

ZOMFG. Had no idea.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Dashboard Buddha brings us Lolcat Christ. And the Internets are now complete!

Dashboard Buddha February 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Careful…this might begin the Eschaton

ShaveTheWhales February 3, 2012 at 8:30 pm

And it's not bad, as LOLanything goes.

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Walking-on-water Disco Jesus!

Negropolis February 4, 2012 at 12:41 am

Bookmarked!

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I can haz loavs n fishies?

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I can has pardon?

Crank_Tango February 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I can haz jeezebagger?

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I can haz whyne and hoars?

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:11 pm

I can haz jeezburger?

Chillwillard February 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Silly Teabaggers…what part of "Jesus was a Socialist" don't you understand?

RedneckMuslin February 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

WWJD? I'd guess he'd be really pissed if he existed.

Fare la Volpe February 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Jesus couldn't be a tea partier: Jesus had two daddies, a mother who wasn't married, and there were black people at his birthday party.

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 8:47 pm

And he actually made coherent points.

meatlofer February 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Are we talking Jesus or JESUS H. CHRIST? Because there is a difference,you know?

Barrelhse February 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Jesus Christ Almighty, I think.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Jesus W. Christ.

MosesInvests February 4, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Jesus Haploid Christ.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I always wondered where Jeebus got his Y chromosome.

Courtesy of XKCD, a new and improved mnemonic for memorizing the planets:
MVEMJSUN = "Mary's Virgin Explanation Made Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbor"

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Let's face it. If Jesus was alive today, he would be getting ready to retire on his hundreds of millions in Facebook stock, driving a Ferrari, and getting by on his Dad's name.

GOPCrusher February 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

And paying 15% tax rate.

Lionel[redacted]Esq February 4, 2012 at 2:45 pm

No taxes…. religious institution!

Goonemeritus February 3, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Sure Santorum promises to die on a hill but do you notice he never says when.

paris biltong February 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

And if he don't make it, you know his baby will.

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 8:48 pm

You know who else died on a hill?

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Is he taking suggestions?

Slim_Pickins February 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Why doesn't Rick just advocate burning gays & lesbians as witches and get it over with?

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

He needs us. Once we're all ashes, what would he have to talk about?

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Mason jar Jeebus babbies.

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 8:49 pm

He can't say that publicly, he saves that fantasy for his fap sessions.

HempDogbane February 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

"I'll die on that hill." Romney self-deports, Santorum self-crucifies.

Guppy February 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Do we really need to know about the candidates' masturbation habits?

C_R_Eature February 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

So I guess this whole "clear the Moneychangers from the Temple" thing was actually a Leveraged Buyout of a host of small, structurally vulnerable firms, followed by efficiency gains, Corporate Synergy, consolidation and creation of one effective Capital Conversion Monopoly?

Or is that Bain Capital Jesus? There's so many these days, I get confused.

PsycWench February 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Jesus would probably know that Ann Coulter is a nut-job and would never return her phone calls.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Even Jesus would just cold smack her in the balls with a metal folding chair.

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

When it comes to people like Coulter, it was actually a Jewish guy who said it best: Even Jesus would never forgive what you do.

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Plus, there's that whole thing with her deep-throating Satan's scaly 19-inch cock on a daily basis.

SayItWithWookies February 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Jesus this, Jesus that — all the real Christians know that Jesus had nothing to do with the Christian Church, which began at some point during the Acts of the Apostles, by which point Jesus was just some apparition who let everyone touch his holes and didn't annoy people with his "be nice to each other" preaching.

Mumbletypeg February 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

let everyone touch his holes

"Glory glory hole-e-lluia
Glory glory, what's it to ya
Balmy breezes blowing through ya
'Cause__you're__not__real__at__all" ♬

actor212 February 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Tea Party Jesus, the real Fool On The Hill.

ChernobylSoup February 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The mac 'n' cheese at the Last Supper one is so going to be my next Xmas card.

Callyson February 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

From that tumblr site:
The only way to make your enemy a friend is to defeat them or kill them
So forget all that business about turning the other cheek: time for the Jesus War. We begin bombing in five minutes!

VinnyThePooh February 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Needs moar pepper spray.

ManchuCandidate February 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Teabagger Jeebus is way too thin. Shouldn't he be riding a gubbiment subsidized Rascal?

Biff February 3, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Dinosaur.

BigDumbRedDog February 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Sorry, but I'm too busy undermining the very foundation of our country to pay attention to this. Ooh, I wonder what this post does? I'm just gonna give it a little push . . .

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

You manage to undermine our country and type comments at the exact same time? That takes talent.

BigDumbRedDog February 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I'm a multitasker!

BigDumbRedDog February 3, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I am planning to pee on santorum's corpse just as soon as he dies on that hill. Die already! Why won't you die?!

HistoriCat February 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Do you wonder if maybe he thinks that about his sick kid? She'll probably too late to give him a boost in the primaries.

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 9:01 pm

The whole "rape-babies are gifts from God"-thing was bad enough. But if I was running for Prez & was consistently polling next to last with no chance of getting the nom, I'd end my campaign to spend as much time as possible with my very ill little daughter.
But that's just me.

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:19 pm

He could always schlep her around to public appearances as a prop, the way You Know Who did with *her* youngest.

Dudleydidwrong February 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

You could probably get 100,000 Taliban to join you in that solemn ceremony. And I'm in, too.

Beowoof February 3, 2012 at 3:51 pm

What would teabagger Jesus do, I think the one from the Bible might ask to be crucified to get away from the teabaggers.

FakaktaSouth February 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Okay wait, that first one, where they quote Mittens and the "Democrat Party" will blah blah the poor and all that – Did anyone else notice when he actually said that quote he choked all over "Democrat" – you could TELL he was TOTALLY trying to be SURE NOT TO SAY the ic. Democrat-ic. SOMEONE has coached him on this relentlessly. Mitt's a neat anthropological study on being a terrible politician for a terrible party full of nothing but terrible bullshit jabs and sneers.

SorosBot February 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I think the Mittbot was suffering a glitch in his pandering subroutines.

Chichikovovich February 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Ah, yes. Good ear. It says a lot about the Republican party that it has become a shibboleth for them for a Presidential candidate to never refer to the party he would have to negotiate with every day by their actual name, but rather by a grade-school calibre insult. Next step: no candidate will be able to be elected as a Republican unless the candidate agrees never to refer to the Democratic party as anything but the "Poopyhead Party".

But the conditioning can have interesting side effects. I still remember being amused listening to some member of the Wingnutjungend who got a job as a policy person in Iraq, apparently because he gave the right answers about hating Roe v. Wade in the job interview. He kept talking about how he was committed to "Building a Democrat Iraq — I mean, democratic Iraq." Poor lil' trained monkey had to correct himself like that several times.

paris biltong February 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

This is boring, could we do Oscar picks instead? News from Hollywood suggests that Improved Job Picture Poses Risks to Obama and Romney. Didn't see it. Any good?

Mumbletypeg February 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

So as far as Ocupados concern her:

"Coulter don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as she can hump that plastic Jesus.." ♫

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Wait … she has a battery-powered Jeebus?

("Oh God Oh God Oh God…")

Joshua Norton February 3, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Not to mention Holy Jumped Up Christ on a Bicycle.

One of my mother's oldies, but goodies.

BZ1 February 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Jeebus was quite prophetic, even writing in bubble captions

Sassomatic February 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

And Jesus divided the loaves and fishes until there was enough to feed all the hungry, and then he kept all of the loaves and fishes for himself, that the hungry might learn responsibility.

donner_froh February 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Christ on a crutch!

Antispandex February 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I once read this quote: “The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.”
As a Christian, it made me very uncomfortable…because I knew it might be true. But then again, I had hope, because I realized I only felt uncomfortable because I had a soul. This site won't make a Teapublican / Christian uncomfortable.

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:26 pm

I make it a point not to use the word "Christian" as a blanket term, because some of my friends and family are Christians, and they're nothing like the hateful extremists, who I distinguish by referring to them as "bible nuts" or "christopaths".

Tundra Grifter February 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Rick Santorum says he'll die on that hill?

Promises, promises…

elviouslyqueer February 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Well, hoo-fucking-goddamn-ray. About 9 of the 10 quotes on Tea Party Jesus's first page are from Tennessee GOP morons. Which makes me wonder, who would Jesus carpet bomb?

Tundra Grifter February 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

There's a plethora to select from, but I still think the worst Ann Falter quote is her crack about the 9/11 widows enjoying so much the deaths of their spouses.

JustPixelz February 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Looks like there's a War on Christianity after all. Heads up Bill O. The attackers are in your green room.

SayItWithWookies February 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Nice timing on the post, there, even if it wasn't intentional — John 3:16: "for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, who he had to fuck a virgin to produce, to tell us to be nice to each other, which generations upon generations of his followers have subsequently interpreted to mean they should murder, rape and otherwise persecute anyone who disagrees with them as long as they say they're doing it with love in their hearts." I'm paraphrasing a bit there, but you get the gist.

CountryClubJihadi February 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Sh*t Jesus Says

weej_bain February 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Perhaps to shore-up his wingnut support, Mittens will pick Ann Coulter as his running mate.

sezme February 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

This Jesus you speak of seems pretty fair and balanced. But before taking him seriously I would need to have a look at his birth certificate.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Believe but verify.

Biff February 3, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I think Mittens has the original long-form gold plate somewhere.

Negropolis February 4, 2012 at 12:50 am

You've going to make him go all the way back up to heaven to stand in a long line to prove his birf? For shame.

prommie February 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

And thou shalt throw the Holy Hand Grenade at thy enemies
and they, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Biff February 3, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Countest thou to three…

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Not four?

Biff February 4, 2012 at 12:48 am

Four shalt thou not count…

MosesInvests February 4, 2012 at 11:52 pm

…neither shalt thou count to two, unless immediately followed by three. Five is right out.

MarionNYNY February 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Frankly, Jesus would have bigger things to worry about, like all those uncircumcised, pork-eating gentiles who claim to be his followers.

Ruhe February 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"I even kept Kosher…just in case."

Ned Flanders

fuflans February 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

to be fair, jesus was all for tax cuts to end the uncertainty plaguing job creators.

cheetojeebus February 3, 2012 at 4:44 pm

And Jesus said unto them " Pull my finger" and they did. Amen.

owhatever February 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Jesus was a Capricorn,
He ate organic food.
He believed in love and peace,
And never wore no shoes,
He had long hair, beard and sandles
And a funky bunch of friends.
Betcha they'd just beat him up,
If he came down again.
–Kristofferson

fuflans February 3, 2012 at 4:55 pm

this was so gross i just went and reread the beatitudes.

speaking as a not so practicing religious type, that's a pretty beautiful belief system.

Steverino247 February 3, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Blessed are the policy makers, for they shall make a shitload of money.

Walkinwiddaking February 3, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Ann Coulter simply stated that certain segments of the American population are demonic. What's the problem?

Negligently_Joe February 3, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I love that blog! I actually pointed the guy who does it to Brian Fisher's fun "Jesus would let peoples' houses burn down while he laughed and pointed" quote, a while back. I think he picked a really great image for it.

Loaded_Pants February 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Some men just want to watch the world burn. That includes Jesus.

Negligently_Joe February 4, 2012 at 7:52 am

You know who ELSE thought that people who were stingy their money should burn?

tessiee February 3, 2012 at 11:29 pm

I would let Ann Coulter's house burn down while i laughed and pointed.

Catabite February 3, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Pssh, so this kind of shit is okay, but I wasn't allowed to put a "Hang in there, Baby!" Jesus poster in the church nursery. Talk about double standards.

Negropolis February 3, 2012 at 11:52 pm

This. Is. Awesome.

FlipOffResearch February 4, 2012 at 2:44 am

I'm really late to the party on this one, but . . . here is my Tea Party Jesus:: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw2MsyRyOW0&li

This isn't based on any direct quotes, but more on a teabagger vibe I was feeling.

ttommyunger February 4, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Gosh Ann, there is good news: Jesus really is coming again. The bad news: He's really pissed!

gizdal February 5, 2012 at 9:36 am

jesus never read the bible…

Radiotherapy February 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Let's not forget: the placenta makes a great little personal pizza.

widestanceshakedown February 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Nobody makes a better placenta pudding than you, mother.

Radiotherapy February 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Remember when for the fetus months of the teabaggers existence they didn't know why we were snickering? Good times, good times.

AlterNewt February 3, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I think that might have been his brother, Mort Hammurabi.

AlterNewt February 3, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Now that's good eatin'!

C_R_Eature February 3, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Huh, really? All these Hammurabis look alike to me!

Biel_ze_Bubba February 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

His cousin, Greeneggsand.

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