The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.”
You click the picture to find out what sociopathic amoral “GOP thought leader” pooped that particular hate blob from their mouth. In the example above, that was how dull crone Ann Coulter suggested peaceful citizens protesting economic distress be treated by the federal authorities: She happily suggested they be murdered by the National Guard, for peaceful assembly. So much lulz, or weeping, if you start to actually think about it all. [Tea Party Jesus]
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Well, He wouldn't move to Washington State.
Nothing against Jesus, but Conservative leaders never live in Conservative Places. Rush Limbaugh: New York and then Palm Beach County, FLA. Sean Hannity, NYC. Can you think of a single important Conservative that is not required to live somewhere to hold office who actually lives in Arkansas or Mississippi? And, even then, any who can move to DC with their jobs, move to DC and stay away from where Conservative policies actually are in place.
Which makes senes, as strangely enough, Places like Florida, Texas, South Carolina etc. with Conservative governments are floudering more than most in this economy.
Conservatism: We want you to live with it, but we want to be the hell away from it!
Be fair. If they lived in those places, there would be fewer rentboys for them to hire.
The rednecks and bible nuts who live in the shitty parts of the country may be — I think the expression is "useful idiots" — but if Limbaugh, O'Reilly, et. al. actually had to live on the same street as Cletus and Brandine and their many sociopathic children and untrained violent dogs, they'd kill themselves in a day.
Meh, Jesus has nothing to do with the tea party. Imagine trying to find three wise men and a virgin between them all.
Looking at the teabaggers, I certainly hope they're all virgins; the thought of those old bloated things having sex is too much to bear.
Anal virgins might be harder to find.
Aren't most of the teabaggers republican?
Remember when Teabaggers denied being affiliated with the Republiklans? They were so cute back then.
How do they…y'know…fit together?
I think most of them can't even find their own genitalia, covered in those rolls of fat.
I don't want to think about teabagger sex. Let's talk about something more festive. How about a fetus BBQ?
Mmm, pass me that blastocyst sauce!
Not having developed kneecaps yet makes the whole cooking process soooo much better. I have a soft spot for some fontanelle and fontina cheese.
You should try them basted in uterine sauce with a fallopian garnish. Yummy yummy!
And braised placenta, yummm…
You could, however, find a few asses.
The virgin is no problem. Just wait around the men's room. One will pop up. Probablty the same rentboy each time
Any GOP woman who managed to develop breasts and hips before being molested is probably a virgin for life.
What about the Immaculate Bristol?
Destroy Florida for voting for that cultish fellow?
"cast the money changers into the rest stop"
Book Of Larry
"Walk softly and keep a wide stance."
Jesus would puke.
fap fap fap fap fap
Stone Newt for adultery?
Callista will peck your eyes out for that, you heretic.
With her beak?
botox can make a nice hard surface.
I was into Tea-Party Jesus before most people even heard of it
-Hipster-
Man, he had the sweetest fixie.
I saw him once on his Cinelli Vigorelli bunny hopping curbs while wearing a PBR sports jacket. Man has style with his big ass mutton chops.
Is it too hipster to make fun of hipsters?
Jesus was so much cooler before he became popular.
As long as I get tea party jesus birthday/death day off, I am fine with it.
Since 9/11 changed everything, I'm still wondering why we don't have a National Holiday to commemorate it.
The 9/11 / back-to-school cross-selling opportunities are staggering.
I can't wait to get me some commemorative mitt romney usamericanflag mom jeans.
I can't wait to fly a couple of planes into them (Mitt's, not yours, of course).
I fear that wingnuts will get the idea that we should dump Labor Day for a 9.11 day. You know, because honoring labor is socialist atheistic commie crap and all…
Well they already turned Armistice Day into Soldier's Day, so that wouldn't surprise me.
Jesus the Plumber.
Jesus looks like He's examining His penis after living with Mary Magdalene.
Just sayin' He don't want to go meet His Dad with spots on his man-bits.
Wouldn't he just be able to, I dunno… heal it?
You think Dad wouldn't be able to see the scarring?
"Uh… Longinus did that!"
Jesus had 2 daddies.
Deal with it.
And a Virgin Beard Mama.
When you have a massive cock like Ann Coulter does, you can talk shit.
And Teabaggers eat it up!
I just want Jeebus to tell me how to bet on the over-under.
It's not the same without feces or urine on the iconic imagery.
Well, American Jeebus would be pro-gun, pro-war, pro-death penalty, and anti-the poors and browns, right? And really, really cool with rich white guys.
His full name was Jeebus Goldman Sachs Christ. I saw the original birf certificate.
All that curing-the-sick stuff? Promotional free samples.
Jesus Fucking Christ, this site is in poor taste. It's also lame: how do who view the pix?
Meanwhile, we at Wonkette are bastions of civilization, upholding high moral standards and a boon to the community at large.
With BUTTSECHS!
And civilized discourse, class, and refinement.
I got plenty 'a' that shit.
*burp*
It is easier for a 1%er to pass through the eye of a needle . . .
I think you mean "through the sphincter of a ten year-old."
…after they've been run through a woodchipper?
Tea Party Jesus died
for somebody's spin,
but not mine.
Patti?
I'm hangin' barefoot,
Dyin' for your sins…
Where are the Dinosaurs?
I was told there would be Dinosaurs.
See Flood, Noah's
A sad day for the loverly unicorn…
They were kept off because they were too gay.
Those Bible guys totally ripped that Flood story off from the Epic of Gilgamesh.
Good thing the Sumerians never found out, cause the Babylonian Copyright laws were fierce.
I'll be damned, I thought it came straight out of Fantasia.
Don't think so, but I could see Ol' Walt producing some bogus Paper & getting his law firm to sue the Balls off the Sumerians, just on general principles.
And old Utnapishtim has a great lawyer by the name of Simon Hammurabi.
Simon Hammurabi? He's the guy who filed suit to get that Uruk Scroll-Sharing site shut down.
He was good.
Sometimes I'm amazed at the direction taken in these threads.
Too much education and few chances to use it these days.
We specialize in nonwoven material.
Eat my body and drink my blood, just don't eat fetus.
Well of course Jesus was a teabagger; remember his parable of the horrible Samaritan who interfered with the free market when it decreed a man was supposed to slowly die on the side of the road.
Yeah, and how much did Jesus charge for healing all the sick people? Cause I know that guy was knee deep in little children's iPads, shekels, whatever they had, cause otherwise, why else would Jesus do all that research?
Jesus would never heal the sick without free market incentives.
He's also heavy into tort reform – Lepers are hella litigious.
You shake their hand and a finger falls off and their all like "Imma' sue you, bitch."
Sometimes he did sound like a Randian Teabagger:
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. "
Luke 14-26
Jesus Shrugged?
When you're carrying the entire history and future of humanity on your shoulders, shit happens.
Family Values!!11
I don't think those are pics of Jesus. Jesus had blue eyes, a western European nose, porcelain skin, a square jaw, and blond hair. Pikers.
And a mullett.
And muscles.
Yeah, everyone knows that Jesus was a Dane.
I don't know. Jesus is just not as cute as cats.
Yeah, that LOLChrist website never really took off, did it?
Dear god…there IS a LOLChrist
http://lolchrist.wordpress.com/
ZOMFG. Had no idea.
Dashboard Buddha brings us Lolcat Christ. And the Internets are now complete!
Careful…this might begin the Eschaton
And it's not bad, as LOLanything goes.
Walking-on-water Disco Jesus!
Bookmarked!
I can haz loavs n fishies?
I can has pardon?
I can haz jeezebagger?
I can haz whyne and hoars?
I can haz jeezburger?
Silly Teabaggers…what part of "Jesus was a Socialist" don't you understand?
WWJD? I'd guess he'd be really pissed if he existed.
Jesus couldn't be a tea partier: Jesus had two daddies, a mother who wasn't married, and there were black people at his birthday party.
And he actually made coherent points.
Are we talking Jesus or JESUS H. CHRIST? Because there is a difference,you know?
Jesus Christ Almighty, I think.
Jesus W. Christ.
Jesus Haploid Christ.
I always wondered where Jeebus got his Y chromosome.
Courtesy of XKCD, a new and improved mnemonic for memorizing the planets:
MVEMJSUN = "Mary's Virgin Explanation Made Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbor"
Let's face it. If Jesus was alive today, he would be getting ready to retire on his hundreds of millions in Facebook stock, driving a Ferrari, and getting by on his Dad's name.
And paying 15% tax rate.
No taxes…. religious institution!
Sure Santorum promises to die on a hill but do you notice he never says when.
And if he don't make it, you know his baby will.
You know who else died on a hill?
Is he taking suggestions?
Why doesn't Rick just advocate burning gays & lesbians as witches and get it over with?
He needs us. Once we're all ashes, what would he have to talk about?
Mason jar Jeebus babbies.
He can't say that publicly, he saves that fantasy for his fap sessions.
"I'll die on that hill." Romney self-deports, Santorum self-crucifies.
Do we really need to know about the candidates' masturbation habits?
So I guess this whole "clear the Moneychangers from the Temple" thing was actually a Leveraged Buyout of a host of small, structurally vulnerable firms, followed by efficiency gains, Corporate Synergy, consolidation and creation of one effective Capital Conversion Monopoly?
Or is that Bain Capital Jesus? There's so many these days, I get confused.
Jesus would probably know that Ann Coulter is a nut-job and would never return her phone calls.
Even Jesus would just cold smack her in the balls with a metal folding chair.
When it comes to people like Coulter, it was actually a Jewish guy who said it best: Even Jesus would never forgive what you do.
Plus, there's that whole thing with her deep-throating Satan's scaly 19-inch cock on a daily basis.
Jesus this, Jesus that — all the real Christians know that Jesus had nothing to do with the Christian Church, which began at some point during the Acts of the Apostles, by which point Jesus was just some apparition who let everyone touch his holes and didn't annoy people with his "be nice to each other" preaching.
let everyone touch his holes
"Glory glory hole-e-lluia
Glory glory, what's it to ya
Balmy breezes blowing through ya
'Cause__you're__not__real__at__all" ♬
Tea Party Jesus, the real Fool On The Hill.
The mac 'n' cheese at the Last Supper one is so going to be my next Xmas card.
From that tumblr site:
The only way to make your enemy a friend is to defeat them or kill them
So forget all that business about turning the other cheek: time for the Jesus War. We begin bombing in five minutes!
Needs moar pepper spray.
Teabagger Jeebus is way too thin. Shouldn't he be riding a gubbiment subsidized Rascal?
Dinosaur.
Sorry, but I'm too busy undermining the very foundation of our country to pay attention to this. Ooh, I wonder what this post does? I'm just gonna give it a little push . . .
You manage to undermine our country and type comments at the exact same time? That takes talent.
I'm a multitasker!
I am planning to pee on santorum's corpse just as soon as he dies on that hill. Die already! Why won't you die?!
Do you wonder if maybe he thinks that about his sick kid? She'll probably too late to give him a boost in the primaries.
The whole "rape-babies are gifts from God"-thing was bad enough. But if I was running for Prez & was consistently polling next to last with no chance of getting the nom, I'd end my campaign to spend as much time as possible with my very ill little daughter.
But that's just me.
He could always schlep her around to public appearances as a prop, the way You Know Who did with *her* youngest.
You could probably get 100,000 Taliban to join you in that solemn ceremony. And I'm in, too.
What would teabagger Jesus do, I think the one from the Bible might ask to be crucified to get away from the teabaggers.
Okay wait, that first one, where they quote Mittens and the "Democrat Party" will blah blah the poor and all that – Did anyone else notice when he actually said that quote he choked all over "Democrat" – you could TELL he was TOTALLY trying to be SURE NOT TO SAY the ic. Democrat-ic. SOMEONE has coached him on this relentlessly. Mitt's a neat anthropological study on being a terrible politician for a terrible party full of nothing but terrible bullshit jabs and sneers.
I think the Mittbot was suffering a glitch in his pandering subroutines.
Ah, yes. Good ear. It says a lot about the Republican party that it has become a shibboleth for them for a Presidential candidate to never refer to the party he would have to negotiate with every day by their actual name, but rather by a grade-school calibre insult. Next step: no candidate will be able to be elected as a Republican unless the candidate agrees never to refer to the Democratic party as anything but the "Poopyhead Party".
But the conditioning can have interesting side effects. I still remember being amused listening to some member of the Wingnutjungend who got a job as a policy person in Iraq, apparently because he gave the right answers about hating Roe v. Wade in the job interview. He kept talking about how he was committed to "Building a Democrat Iraq — I mean, democratic Iraq." Poor lil' trained monkey had to correct himself like that several times.
This is boring, could we do Oscar picks instead? News from Hollywood suggests that Improved Job Picture Poses Risks to Obama and Romney. Didn't see it. Any good?
So as far as Ocupados concern her:
"Coulter don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as she can hump that plastic Jesus.." ♫
Wait … she has a battery-powered Jeebus?
("Oh God Oh God Oh God…")
Not to mention Holy Jumped Up Christ on a Bicycle.
One of my mother's oldies, but goodies.
Jeebus was quite prophetic, even writing in bubble captions
And Jesus divided the loaves and fishes until there was enough to feed all the hungry, and then he kept all of the loaves and fishes for himself, that the hungry might learn responsibility.
Christ on a crutch!
I once read this quote: “The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad.”
As a Christian, it made me very uncomfortable…because I knew it might be true. But then again, I had hope, because I realized I only felt uncomfortable because I had a soul. This site won't make a Teapublican / Christian uncomfortable.
I make it a point not to use the word "Christian" as a blanket term, because some of my friends and family are Christians, and they're nothing like the hateful extremists, who I distinguish by referring to them as "bible nuts" or "christopaths".
Rick Santorum says he'll die on that hill?
Promises, promises…
Well, hoo-fucking-goddamn-ray. About 9 of the 10 quotes on Tea Party Jesus's first page are from Tennessee GOP morons. Which makes me wonder, who would Jesus carpet bomb?
There's a plethora to select from, but I still think the worst Ann Falter quote is her crack about the 9/11 widows enjoying so much the deaths of their spouses.
Looks like there's a War on Christianity after all. Heads up Bill O. The attackers are in your green room.
Nice timing on the post, there, even if it wasn't intentional — John 3:16: "for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, who he had to fuck a virgin to produce, to tell us to be nice to each other, which generations upon generations of his followers have subsequently interpreted to mean they should murder, rape and otherwise persecute anyone who disagrees with them as long as they say they're doing it with love in their hearts." I'm paraphrasing a bit there, but you get the gist.
Sh*t Jesus Says
Perhaps to shore-up his wingnut support, Mittens will pick Ann Coulter as his running mate.
This Jesus you speak of seems pretty fair and balanced. But before taking him seriously I would need to have a look at his birth certificate.
Believe but verify.
I think Mittens has the original long-form gold plate somewhere.
You've going to make him go all the way back up to heaven to stand in a long line to prove his birf? For shame.
And thou shalt throw the Holy Hand Grenade at thy enemies
and they, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Countest thou to three…
Not four?
Four shalt thou not count…
…neither shalt thou count to two, unless immediately followed by three. Five is right out.
Frankly, Jesus would have bigger things to worry about, like all those uncircumcised, pork-eating gentiles who claim to be his followers.
"I even kept Kosher…just in case."
Ned Flanders
to be fair, jesus was all for tax cuts to end the uncertainty plaguing job creators.
And Jesus said unto them " Pull my finger" and they did. Amen.
Jesus was a Capricorn,
He ate organic food.
He believed in love and peace,
And never wore no shoes,
He had long hair, beard and sandles
And a funky bunch of friends.
Betcha they'd just beat him up,
If he came down again.
–Kristofferson
this was so gross i just went and reread the beatitudes.
speaking as a not so practicing religious type, that's a pretty beautiful belief system.
Blessed are the policy makers, for they shall make a shitload of money.
Ann Coulter simply stated that certain segments of the American population are demonic. What's the problem?
I love that blog! I actually pointed the guy who does it to Brian Fisher's fun "Jesus would let peoples' houses burn down while he laughed and pointed" quote, a while back. I think he picked a really great image for it.
Some men just want to watch the world burn. That includes Jesus.
You know who ELSE thought that people who were stingy their money should burn?
I would let Ann Coulter's house burn down while i laughed and pointed.
Pssh, so this kind of shit is okay, but I wasn't allowed to put a "Hang in there, Baby!" Jesus poster in the church nursery. Talk about double standards.
This. Is. Awesome.
I'm really late to the party on this one, but . . . here is my Tea Party Jesus:: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw2MsyRyOW0&li…
This isn't based on any direct quotes, but more on a teabagger vibe I was feeling.
Gosh Ann, there is good news: Jesus really is coming again. The bad news: He's really pissed!
jesus never read the bible…
Let's not forget: the placenta makes a great little personal pizza.
Nobody makes a better placenta pudding than you, mother.
Remember when for the fetus months of the teabaggers existence they didn't know why we were snickering? Good times, good times.
I think that might have been his brother, Mort Hammurabi.
Now that's good eatin'!
Huh, really? All these Hammurabis look alike to me!
His cousin, Greeneggsand.
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