come to mommy

Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as Mitt Romney being liked by even so much as one person in this world, let alone a couple million. So, following a Hispanic roundtable in Las Vegas on Thursday, Gingrich spokesperson R.C. Hammond told a group of reporters that the Gingrich campaign will be petitioning the Republican Party of Florida to try to get the state’s 50 delegates awarded proportionally. Responded the state’s Republican Party chairman, Lenny Curry, “It is a shame when the loser of a contest agrees to the rules before, then cries foul after losing.” ISN’T IT THOUGH?

Hammond thinks Gingrich might have a case only because very slightly technically, Florida moved its primary ahead of April 1, and any primary moved ahead of that date is supposed to award delegates proportionally. But the Republican Party of Florida “unanimously” ruled that the primary would be winner-takes-all last September, Curry told the Washington Post. “All campaigns and the RNC have known since then that Florida was winner-take-all,” he said. “RNC’s legal counsel has, on numerous occasions, noted their understanding and acceptance of Florida’s rule.”

AND ANYWAY, even though anyone is entitled to dispute this rule, it’s pretty irrelevant if the second-place person was a very large 14 points behind the equally gross and terrible winner! Nevertheless, it’s likely Gingrich’s petition could get some airtime, but not until right before the convention this summer.

Finally, in a truly beautiful moment, when asked by reporters if the Gingrich camp would have contested the rule had Gingrich won Florida, Hammond responded, “Probably not.” [Washington Post]

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  • nounverb911

    "If I don't win, I'm going to take my three wives ball and go home"
    –Newt Gingrinch

  • Barb

    Newt put the "duh" in Florida. You lost, go spank your inner moppet and go lose in Nevada now.

    • Biff

      Also, Nevaduh.

      • With obtuse Angles, too.

        • Biff

          Ugh. She was on the school board in my county before the bright lights of Carson City attracted her.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Just a small town girl…

            Livin' in a lib'rul world…

            She took the midnight train goin' "Fuck you all!"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh, and Newt? Be sure to spend as many millions of those rightwingnut dollars as you possibly can. We'd like to see your donors flat broke in time for the general election campaign.

  • PuckStopsHere

    He also believes the Lombardi Trophy should be awarded proportionally after the Super Bowl (gross trademark infringement alert; should only be referred to as "The Big Game" by anyone not affiliated with the National Football League).

    • BerkeleyBear

      Secondary Trademark Violation – The Big Game, all capitalized, refers to a contest between the football squads of The University of California and Leland Stanford Jr. University, and has been used in commerce to refer to the same for at least 80 years. The correct, public domain usage is "the big game" or "big game."

      BTW, the NFL tried to trademark "The Big Game" a couple of years back to avoid all the free riders out there but couldn't get a registration over Cal-Stanfurd's use. Interestingly, one of the major users of that euphemism – Papacrap pizza – is now a sponsor of the Super Bowl.

      • tessiee

        "The Big Game, all capitalized, refers to a contest between the football squads of The University of California and Leland Stanford Jr. University, and has been used in commerce to refer to the same for at least 80 years."

        Meh, you guys got the better end of the deal; the University of Oregon/Oregon State game is referred to as "the Civil War".

    • Chichikovovich

      Perhaps if everyone would just insist on calling it "The Toilet Bowl" if we aren't allowed to call it the "Super Bowl" they would get the message and call off the lawyers.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Thank you Berkeley for both the heads-up and for not bringing the appropriate governmental enforcement agency down on my head (which in the instant case would, of course, be the Department of Homeland Security because, why not?) Is there any extant (lawyers word) case law as to whether we can still use the phrase No Fun League?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        I've always liked "The Stupor Bowl".

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I reserve that for when Dallas plays in it. Which is the same as retiring the expression entirely.

    • That applies to commercial use. News media can say "Super Bowl" as much as they want, but my dry cleaner cannot use "Super Bowl" on his advertising.

  • nounverb911

    “If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.”
    –W.C. Fields

  • Would you have divorced your death bed wife if she was still healthy and hot?

    "Probably not."

  • prommie

    Thats some choot-spa, and gall and shamelessness, too. And pathological narcissism, did I mention that?

  • bureaucrap

    He's an emotional Benjamin Button; he keeps getting more immature by the minute.

    • He was never very mature, so watching him devolve is like watching tectonic plates move. It's exactly like watching tectonic plates move because every now and then it's an earthquake, thousands die and nuclear plants melt down.

  • lefty74

    Even turd blossom Rove can't stand this piece of shit.

    • paris biltong

      A true asshole is someone even an asshole considers an asshole.

    • chicken_thief

      I like Colbert's "Ham Head Rove". But turd blossom works, too.

      • Geminisunmars

        Canned ham head really does look just like the Rovester.

        • tessiee

          The only good thing about KKKarl Rove is that he supports my theory that God's revenge on right wingers for being such pigs is making them *look* exactly like pigs.

          • Geminisunmars

            I think you are on to something there!

          • tessiee

            Exhibit B: Jeb Bush.

  • paris biltong

    Something a Republican says finally sounds right when Curry calls Gingrich "the loser".

  • Goonemeritus

    This reminds me of trying to teach my son chess when he was 5. If any of the rule changes that he insisted on would be adopted by FIDE the game would be a lot more colorful.

    • Gunner Asch

      Best part of playing with a 5-year-old. Every game is Calvinball.

  • SexySmurf

    He should invoke the "first is worst, second is best, third is the one with the hairy chest" rule.

    • ThundercatHo

      So, Callista has a hairy chest?

      • flamingpdog

        Oh, come on, I'm eating breakfast!

        • KeepFnThatChicken

          Seriously. You wouldn't kick her outta bed for eatin' Jesus wafers.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Proportionally? Ok, so it's 40-10 instead of 50-0. Smells like viktreh.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I take to look like I am taking Newt's side here, but the the Florida primary IS violating RNC rules by making it winner-take-all. I don't think the Florida's party chair is being straight about the RNC's acceptance of their terms.

    This is of course, after they already had half their delegates taken away for moving the primary date to January.

    So, in summary Florida + elections = fail.

    • paris biltong

      What else is new?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, I'm guessing the RNC counsel is on record as saying "Sure, Florida, whatever – just so long as you have the screwed up ballots and rigged machines ready to go in the fall" and the Florida GOP took that as a blanket endorsement of anything they do.

    • SayItWithWookies

      There's a reasonable compromise here — the GOP could award the delegates proportionally and then disqualify all of them because Florida disregarded the national party's rules. I think that would be fair. And fun.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, I agree. I hate to take the side of the Moby Dick of Douchebags, but look – if the rule is stated clearly and unambiguously, and (I assume) Newt didn't sign something that said he was OK with waiving the rule… Absolutely he should give this a shot.

    • Nostrildamus

      Eternal truths:

      Florida plus elections=fail

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Couldn't have said it better. Just another case of Florida screwing up an election for no other reason than it is Florida. While I hate to be on Newt's side of anything, the rule says you have to have proportional representation. And, does it really make sense that a person who got 47% of the vote gets 100% of the delegates? Why ignore 53% of the voters?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Fine. Then in trade, he gets to have his poor widdle dewegates, and we get to keep Welfare.

    • Guppy

      If the GOP doesn't like the Florida Legislature calling the shots, they can pay for their own damned primaries. It's not like they can't afford to after Citizens United.

    • Didn't the Dems have a similar situation with Michigan in '08 – they wanted to move up the primary, the DNC said if you do we won't seat any of your delegates at the convention, they did it anyway, Hilary won and then tried to bug the DNC into seating said delegates. Can't remember the exact details or what happened in the end.

      • SorosBot

        They ended up agreeing to seat the delegates, but only after Clinton dropped out and it was clear that Obama's margin was big enough that they wouldn't make a difference.

  • north_of_moscow

    He's also asking Florida for an open primary.

    • memzilla

      Since Newt doesn't believe in States' Rights to set their own rules for their own primaries, I expect Newt to stop using that particular dog whistle of States' Rights to pander to the Rethuglican racist faction.

      I also expect to be able to drink Goldschläger and poop out krugerrands.

    • Right after a devastating hurricane.

  • Incidentally, that photoshop is fucking terrifying. Thanks a lot.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    He's so presidential. I can see president Newt whining to the Chinese. “Awwww come on you guys, quit dumping low cost subsidized steel on our markets. Iran “Awwwww jeez you guys, quit making nuclear bombs.” North Korea. “Awwww come on Kim, please stop shooting up South Korea, pleeeease.”

    • widestanceshakedown

      Needs moar 'fundamentally and 'transformational.'

  • coolhandnuke

    Typecasting derailed Newt's acting career after his brilliance as "Rosemary's Baby."

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Virginia tries to change her law regrding write-in votes in primaries, so that Shamoogrich, the Great White Wail, can get his name written onto Virginia's ballots. Our favorite son, the McFatty from McLean, and his strumpet ghoulfriend, Blondarth Vader, the Money Badgers, will not be denied. Let the Fraud begin!

    • tessiee

      "Shamoogrich, the Great White Wail"

      Upfists and umbrella drinks to you for this.

  • Republican Party chairman, Lenny Curry

    Lenny Curry and Moe make the rules in Florida.

    • Lenny Curry?*

      * much street cred to anyone who got that.

  • freakishlywrong

    “It is a shame when the loser of a contest agrees to the rules before, then cries foul after losing.”

    This guy knows this is Newt fucking Gingrich, right?

  • Proportional results would have been useful in 2000 when Dubya got all Florida's electoral votes even though the voting results were 5-4. Hooray, Newt agrees Al Gore should have been POTUS.

  • SorosBot

    Who could have expected the Newt would be a petulant whiny sore loser? Well I mean besides everybody.

  • flamingpdog

    It's Floriduh, riiiight? Doesn't Newtie have any frenz on the Supreme Court?

  • Does da widdle baby want his wattle???

    Callista! Breast feed him already!

    • BornInATrailer

      And now my mouth is full of my own sick.

      • widestanceshakedown

        You can do that? Oh, sorry, I misread.

    • No can do. Nipple sealant.

  • Baconzgood

    A fucked up election in FLA? Whoda thunk it.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Shut up and cue up the Abba, Mitt.

    I don't wanna talk
    About the things we've gone through
    Though it's hurting me
    Now it's history
    I've played all my cards
    And that's what you've done too
    Nothing more to say
    No more ace to play

    The winner takes it all
    The loser's standing small
    Beside the victory
    That's a destiny

  • Ducksworthy

    Callista is controlling Gnewt's mind and making him do this stuff. Please don't as how.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Good move Newt. This will get you the whiner and arm chair quarterback voters.

  • ThundercatHo

    "The rules I make up or agree to abide by don't apply to me."
    -any Republican politician

    • CapnFatback

      Congrats on avatar mastery!

      • ThundercatHo

        All the credit goes to BarackMyWorld who sent this to me and thanks also, too, to the other Wonks who gave me helpful advice and my teenage son (with much eye-rolling and huffy breaths) made my dream a reality.

        • CapnFatback

          Considering the picture, I would expect as much eye shielding as rolling from young WilyKit. The huffy breaths you're hearing are coming from Panthro, I believe.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And the losing team Sunday night will be all "We should have played five quarters!!!"

  • I wonder if this was Rule 34 on the Florida Republican party's rule sheet.

  • teebob2000

    That picture always makes me shudder. I try very hard to exorcise from my brain the Newt-Callista diaper play scenario that spontaneously appears.

    "Lady, that is one ugly fucking baby you got there."

    • YasserArraFeck

      But Douche Vitter is fapping away at the mere thought of it

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wait — Newt agreed to the rules and then wants them changed post-facto when they hurt his interests? Why that's so McCainesque that it's only fair that Newt win the nomination so he can duplicate John's sweeping electoral victory over that uppity senator from Chicago in 2008.

  • Tundra Grifter

    First Ole Newt couldn't get on the primary ballot in his "home state" of Virginia – so he sued to have the rules changed.

    Now that he has lost in Florida, he's trying to get the rules changed.

    Can we please connect the dots here?

    If this fucker gets nominated by the GNoPee, after he gets his ass handed him in November he's going to have the election tied up in the courts until 2016.

    • And the danger is that scotus just might make him prez.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Can you imagine the GNoPee coming apart due to a brokered convention? The T-Baggers would riot in the streets.

        If SCOTUS pulls that Presidential election crap again, it won't be a pretty picture out here in the real world.

  • bagofmice

    Alright, doing a reverse Aphex is equally brilliant and evil.

    come to mommy indeed.

    • Biff

      What the……………

      • bagofmice

        The face mapping bit is Richard D. James's signature piece of flair. Come to Daddy is the song I linked to, and the alt-text was a dead giveaway.

        I could be wrong, but the creepy Calista grin inclines me to think that this is an appropriate reference.

        Come to mommy.

        • Biff

          Oh well, nice tits, anyway.

  • The Florida GeeOhPee should take gator bait Newter on a helicopter ride over the Everglades but forget to put his name on the flight manifest.

    • tessiee

      Newt is so fatty and so full of toxins that I think that would count as cruelty to gators.

  • ttommyunger

    Thought bubble over little Newtie's head: "No teeth this time, bitch; NO TEETH!"

  • CapnFatback

    A man with a melon that large should be wary about throwing the word "proportion" around.

    • chicken_thief

      Along similar lines, I was thinking that if he wants to haggle the results, he should argue that instead of votes, they go off of cranial circumference.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    People seem unaware that Meghan McCain endorsed Mittens.

    I actually think the wake of disappointment left by the Obama administration presents a fantastic opportunity to generate enthusiasm from my generation for Mitt Romney.

    • chicken_thief

      Tits for Mitt!

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Romney's sons noticed.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And Meghan seems, just, well, unaware.

    • Geminisunmars

      Oh, gosh, how ever did I miss that?

    • SorosBot

      As someone who's basically a member of Megs' generation, being less than a decade older, let me just say that no, there is no way members of our generation will generate any enthusiasm for Mittens.

    • Huevos Ocupados

      I think Megs is just trying to hook up with one of Mitt's douche bag sons.

      • Blueb4sunrise


    • BarackMyWorld

      Yeah, she's been saying for a few months that she's backed him for quite a while now.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Well how come no one………..wait, never mind……

    • BigDumbRedDog

      Goddammit Meghan, would you just shut up and show us your tits already?!

      • SorosBot

        Mmm Meg's tits…. Wait, sorry; that thought is very distracting.

      • Fare la Volpe

        She did. Then she wrote a condescending Daily Beast article about how it was all a "social experiment" that the rest of us just didn't "get."

    • Fare la Volpe

      Mitt Romney can barely generate static, let alone enthusiasm.

    • proudgrampa

      Casabas for Mitt! Yeah.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Don't worry, Newt. The highly organized Nevada Tea Party will save you.

  • pinkocommi

    I guess the Republitard primary will have to be in the hospital sick with cancer before Gingrich will finally leave it.

  • Oblios_Cap

    "They're not really rules; they're more like guidelines"

    • Biff

      Suggestions, as it were.

    • Nostrildamus

      "They're not really vows; they're more like aspirations"

  • freakishlywrong

    OT, but my office wingnut has become self-aware, now that he's found other office wingnuts. Now, everything I say he yells out; "Did you used to do that at a Democrat fundraiser"? See the jobs report today? Bitch?

    • Oblios_Cap

      We've got one of those, too. Since he's a State worker, I don't think you can say he's really self-aware, though.

    • ThundercatHo

      Stay frosty, man. We would miss you around here.

    • Callyson

      My sympathies–I've got a similar problem, only it's an accounting professor who goes off on how poor corporations are double taxed (no word on why it's OK for corporations to have separate legal liability but not be separate tax entities) and how "both sides" have moved to the extremes (no, Obama has bent over backwards to try bipartisanship–it's *your* party that has lost all sense of reason).
      It's going to be a long quarter…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh, shut the fuck up, you bloated reptilian titty-baby.

    • SorosBot

      Now that is incorrect; he's a bloated amphibian titty-baby.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Amphibian-American Fred Thompson objects to that insul-zzzzzzzzzz.

  • Mojopo

    $10 says that the by the time he quits, he will be seen wandering naked in an alley. Any shred of socially acceptable behavior he had left is all but exhausted.

    • tessiee

      You owe me $100. for making me picture Newt naked.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Good thing he wasn't mistreated on his plane out of there, he might have tried to pry Florida into the sea with a crowbar.

  • prommie

    Newt thinks its a Calvinball primary.

    • bagofmice

      This is roughly the point where Newt is careening through the air philosophically on a toboggan.

  • BZ1

    46 states to go, except for the ones he forgot to register for, and those the Newt will contest when he loses

  • Geez. If this "I was for it until I was against it" pivot-tripping becomes the fashion, these GOP flaketards will have an awfully hard time digesting the truth when it dawns on them, come time to announce the nominee, that No One Was Voting For You — they were just voting for Not-Barry.
    But even if the tea-leaves got up, spun themselves into spelled-out letters and pelted the message into their faces, none of them would admit it.

  • The 2012 Bloggies are open for voting:

    I ask of the Wonkette Army only that global-warming denialist site “Watts Up With That?” not win the “Best Science or Technology” award, as it has in the past. Because that would be…paradoxical

  • chicken_thief

    So he'd like a fundamental and profound transformation of the rules? How Newt of him…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I see over on TPM that the Newt is being called out for using "Eye of the Tiger" as a campaign song. Fucking brilliant. Copyright laws, how do they work? You'd think that a guy that's "written" a dozen books might at least understand that much.

    • chicken_thief

      My second Colbert reference on one thread, but whatevs…. Colbert had the singer from Survivor sing the words from one of Newt's books to the tune of Eye of the Tiger.

    • fuflans

      i just posted a comment about not understanding why newt is considered 'brilliant'.

      really, seriously, why does the media (including the economist) keep insisting he is brilliant? i have seen no evidence of this.

      and he's got a crappy speaking voice.

      • Rotundo_

        From what I gather, he is one of the few GOP members that can use polysyllabic word and stitch them together into coherent sentences. Mind you, this doesn't mean that he isn't full of crap, it just means that he doesn't breathe heavily through his mouth and go "I hates negroes and poor people and womens and…" when asked for a policy position. By comparison with most of his cohort, he actually *sounds like* he might have a brain cell or two still firing now and then.

  • barrett808

    The 2012 Bloggies are open for voting:

    I ask of the Wonkette Army only that global-warming denialist site "Watts Up With That?" not win the "Best Science or Technology" award, as it has in the past. Because that would be…paradoxical

    • SorosBot

      Shouldn't that be in the anti-science blog category?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Sigh… it's 4 technology blogs, and that's the only "science" blog. Science, in the sense that they spend all their time insulting scientists.

    • Fare la Volpe

      I clicked on the first link, and the blog is completely open about being "climate skeptical." How can that kind of thing even be considered for a legitimate "science" blog?

      • barrett808

        I made this argument to the Bloggies guys back in 2010 but sadly got no traction.

  • The rules have always been different for N. Leroy Gingrich…he just has a hard time making you other people understand that.

  • Extemporanus

    Perhaps Florida could give Newton a few of Hillary's unused superdelegates as a booby prize.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I'll agree to this, but only if they make it retroactive to 2000 and include the electoral college apportionment in the general election and a way to turn back time.

  • Has Florida ever held an election that hasn't turned into a clusterfuck?

  • Huevos Ocupados

    It's a shame this victim mentality doesn't resonate with the base, eh?

  • DemonicRage

    Florida better watch out. If by some devil's whim Newt does become Supreme Ruler, there will be payback for this insult to Pillsbury doughboy's ego.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Capitalist society, asshole. Winner takes it all.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He wants to redistribute the delegates? WTF Conservatives?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Or more accurately, "Taker wins all."

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    So who do we speak with to get Al Gore installed as President in 2000, again? Half a percent margin must mean something

    • Generation[redacted]

      Needz moar proportional delegates.

  • Generation[redacted]

    F-ing losers need to lose. -Rick Santelli

  • meatlofer

    Mitt will bet you 10 grand it don't happen!

  • LiveToServeYa

    Oh, the power of positive whining. How very Gingrichian.

  • owhatever

    Next time Florida gets sick, Newt will divorce it and marry the Moon.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Will someone just ask SCOTUS – I thought they were the Deciderers of elections in America's Flaccid Member (TM).

  • Ruhe

    On a side note, when asked for his prediction on the Super Bowl Newt responded that so long as the referees appropriately applied the "tuck rule" the Patriots would have a fair chance.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Newt flips the Monopoly board and declares himself the winner every time he plays.

  • Mojopo

    Dear Titty Baby Staff Members: Bail out now. He's going to blame you for everything anyway.

  • PhilippePetain

    "…about as fair as Mitt Romney being liked by even so much as one person in this world, let alone a couple million"

    Not to split hairs, but I'm not exactly sure you can count being like more than Newt Gingrich as being "liked."

  • tessiee

    Vote count tampering in Florida so that some right-wing shitbag can steal the election? Who saw THAT coming?

  • tessiee

    You guys, you know what would rawk? If they recounted the votes the way Newt wants them to, and he STILL lost.

  • tessiee

    Really? Really, THAT's his hot shit strategy/coping mechanism for when things don't go his way? Bitch, gripe, piss, and moan? Whining doesn't work for anybody over the age of 3.

  • Serolf_Divad

    It is a shame when the loser

    Coulda just stopped there, if you ask me.

  • kissawookiee

    His spokesman is named R.C. Hammond and he still goes with Eye of the Tiger instead of Can't Touch This?

  • lulzmonger
  • Are we talking proportionally by candidate's weight? Because that's the only way I figure this helps him.

  • fuflans

    why does everyone keep saying this guy is 'brilliant'? i understand the 'unpredictable', 'undisciplined', 'disorganized' parts, but really, he's done nothing in his decades of public service to convince me he's anything more than a walking id in search of a super ego.

    • Rotundo_

      It really is his verbal ability and the genuine stupidity of his fellow GOP cohort. Ninety percent of the GOP are so dazzlingly stupid that someone with Newt!'s "gifts" seems like an erudite idea man. The first caveman to figure out that shitting *outside* the cave made things stink less was probably considered a visionary too.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Jeez, did Carlista powder that puss with plutonium 235 instead of baby talc?

  • Catabite

    Northern Florida is basically Southern Georgia.

  • SaintRond

    That photograph is more disgusting than the one of the elephant being attacked by a crocodile.

  • neiltheblaze

    Newt is so nakedly and unashamedly full of shit it's almost awe inspiring.

  • Buckminster

    He wah wahs more than my grandniece, who's only a month old. My baby girl Adell for presnet!

  • DahBoner

    Tits McCain says Newtie should "bow out with Grace".

    Calista says WHO'S GRACE???

  • Best. Photoshop. Evar.

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