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12 Things Gifzette Will Miss About the 2012 GOP Primary

PEACE OUT12) That time Michele Bachmann compared herself to a serial killer.

11) Stress-eating at the mere sight of Chuck Todd’s facial hair.

10) Donald Trump’s very good relationship with “the blacks.”

9) Jon Huntsman speaking Mandarin.

8) “The Original, Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit.

7) Tim Pawlenty. (He was so benign!)

6) “Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when so much is on the line. I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie.”

5) Newt Gingrich lecturing black people.

4) Newt Gingrich lecturing journalists.

3) Newt Gingrich lecturing unemployed inner city elementary school students.

2) “I’m proud of my gun. And I pooed in space.”

1) But mostly I will miss you guys! Because I’m sad to say this is my last day at Wonkette: I’ve decided to shutter The Gifzette, which means my days as a daily syndicated Wonketeer must come to an end. Do know that I loved doing it so very much, it’s just that my friends have asked that I kindly figure out a way to be able to stay out at night past 8 p.m.

But! Ken has very graciously extended me the chance to moonlight here in the future, so you guys haven’t heard the last from me just yet (at least, that is, until I emerge from the corner of my apartment where I will be curled up in the fetal position for the next nine months until November 6 has come and gone). Until then, you can always find me ranting about politics on Twitter and even sometimes on that Tumblr thing. Thanks guys!!

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is Sad, but should also teach young people about starting their own daily news service that requires them to get up at 5 a.m. before going to their *real job*. Also, look for that other famous slacker, Jim Newell, in the morning slot as of Monday!

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    1. V572 the Merciless

      Didja see Colbert last night, saying Newt was like Rocky in "Rocky III" where he competes fiercely to get a shot at getting beat up by a black guy? (And to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger")

      1. Generation[redacted]

        I like that scene where Rocky is training to Eye of the Tiger, and suddenly the band jumps in and demands they stop the music.

  1. ChernobylSoup

    So Newell gets hired back, fires everyone in sight, then doesn't even bother to work. Did he train at Bain Capital?

  2. actor212

    You can't quit! There's no quitting in Gifzetting!

    And to quote Donald Trump: "YOU'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE FIRED!"

    Seriously, good luck on your future endeavours.

  3. chascates

    Good luck Matt! That 'moonlight' offer is just code for don't let the door hit you on the keyboard on the way out. Ken has got some dirt on Newell, that's probably the reason he's coming back.

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Seriously? I get breaking news alerts saying some reality star is getting a divorce, but nothing on this?

      Well, Planned Parenthood can keep the donation I sent and Komen can still go to hell.

      1. Local_Mojo

        My grandmother died in child-birth before abortion was a choice, leaving five little girls orphaned when their manic depressive dad left. Free abortions for any who want or need them.

        1. Goonemeritus

          Firing a certain VP and ex gubernatorial candidate would go a long way to helping me forgive and forget.

        2. SorosBot

          Same here; eventually being shamed (and facing a cutoff in donations) into doing the right thing doesn't make everything right again.

    2. ThundercatHo

      Good to hear that enough pro-choice people were willing to vote with their credit cards but Komen can still take their little pink ribbons and their little pink bibles and their little pink lawyers and fuck the fuck off.

        1. ThundercatHo

          Good. I really hope that more people will the become aware of the constant erosion of women's reproductive rights by the fundies and speak out like that wonderful state senator from VA.

          1. HELisforHEL

            The young'uns (because it affects them more than old farts like me) have to wake up and realize that these evangelical asshats will stop at nothing to completely dismantle ANY form of birth control.

            The naivete is disturbing. The ability to control one's own reproductive system is the cornerstone to any real advancements in liberties and equality.

            And certainly the fundies are in the 'keep the little lady barefoot & pregnant' camp. GAH

    3. HistoriCat

      I think gin and tacos said it best.

      You should not have a low opinion of Komentm because of their announcement on Wednesday. You should have a low opinion of them because they're a fake charity run like any other company with a product to sell. In this case the product is a combination of guilt, pity, and hope dissolved in a weak acid and dyed a nauseating pink. … OK, there's a lot more to the piece but I will stop copy and pasting there.

    4. Biff

      They still have to get rid of whoever made that decision in the first place. I'm sick of it only costing lefties their jobs when shit backfires.

      1. Barrelhse

        This trainwreck is the upshot of Christian fundies trying to force their agenda on the rest of us. Unfortunately they are probably succeeding with their stealth approach, with instances like this being just the visible tip of the iceberg.

        1. Biff

          Seems that whenever the right-wing invents a controversy, someone on the left gets the axe. ACORN, Van Jones, Shirley Sharrod, etc. When the righties get caught, well, IOKIYAR.

      1. ChernobylSoup

        So Planned Parenthood is still eligible to apply for grants. That's mighty white of the Komen foundation.

    5. Barrelhse

      They've caved more this week than a Massey coal mine.

      So, essentially, they let a right-wing Bush era left-over cunt, with an anti-choice POV, take the helm. Any surprise at what happened? Apparently things didn't work out so well with the conservative approach and now , unfortunately, Komen has lost all credibility as a brand. I predict this is the end for them. Nice fucking trainwreck, fundy Christians, what else do you have for us?

    6. C_R_Eature

      Well, that's nice and all but it's just too little, too late.This is just the last and latest of reasons that I won't donate to and/or support anything they do, ever again:

      * The upper management's been exposed now as RWNJ's
      * They're likely to pull more of these stunts later, when we're not looking
      * Only < 32% of all the money they take in goes towards research
      * Komen's in bed with Big Pharma. Treatment's where the big bucks are, a Cure would cut the Money Stream.
      * Responsible Charities don't pay their directors ~$500.000.
      *I despise Pink.

      Speaking as someone who's lost dear friends, family and loved ones to cancer, I want results and have no tolerance for enriching the bank accounts of Charity Grifters.
      Especially Charity Grifters with ugly personal philosophies.

    7. lulzmonger

      "Look, everybody! We're going to use the magic of words to unburn that bridge we just torched! Abracadoopsy! There. You like us again, right? Right? Please say yes … also, we still take PayPal."

  4. memzilla

    Good luck, Matt!

    Now which Wonkette Editor will have to arise at oh-dark-thirty to give us our morning posts? [PS to Jim Newell: check the fine print in your contract.]

    And don't forget the two hour time-lag between the first 9:00 AM-ish post and the time the liquor store starts its delivery service.

  5. freakishlywrong

    The Internets weep, but, frankly, Matt, I like snark for breakfast. Good luck!
    11.)/Crazy eyes saying that U.S. of America should admire China, because, y'know, crushing poverty and birth restrictions.

  6. SorosBot

    I don't know if Tim Pawlenty was all that benign – there's a certain bridge that would probably disagree.

  7. fartknocker

    What?! No mention of Rick "I'm a Complete Dipshit" Perry? I'm shocked that one could forget this goat fucker.

  8. bureaucrap

    We're going to miss you, but it is hard to hold down two jobs. Come to think of it, it's hard to hold down one job.

    1. chascates

      Wow! Maybe he was actually on a secret mission in Afghanistan or something! Just like Red Rider in Doonesbury!!!!

  9. PsycWench

    C'mon, going to bed at 8 pm prepares you for parenthood, where you wish to hell you could go to bed at 8 pm but there is still laundry to be done.

    1. HistoriCat

      You do laundry? I just jump everything in a corner and pull out whatever I need – or something close enough that Child Protective Services is unlikely to intervene.

      "Yes, I know it's warm today but I can't find any shorts. Wear these fleece pants."

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    But Giffy, you'll miss the Right chanting "Four More Wars!" while secretly betting on higher oil prices while Israel plays the Beach Boys singing "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." Maybe Hopey can bring things around by bombing somewhere important, like Grenada.

  11. ThundercatHo

    The things I will miss the most are: Barbarian Glitter-bombing videos, Michele Bachmann's debate outfits/corndog eating, evangelical xtians booing the golden rule, the opportunity to buy a feces encrusted sweater vest and Rick Perry's eloquence. Thanks for everything, Matt and good luck staying out late. Just don't forget your condoms and a designated driver.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    With your snark and drums and drums and snark
    The enemy nearly slew ye
    Oh my darling dear, Ye look so queer
    Giffy we hardly knew ye.

  13. Mumbletypeg

    my friends have asked that I kindly figure out a way to be able to stay out at night past 8 p.m.

    This may sound odd, but the song playing in my head in honor of Newt's spacerock-filled dreampipes, might also apply to you too, Langer. For how often has fate left one wistfully humming the tune "Nobody's Heart Belongs To Me"? – –

    I admire the moon … As a moon … Just a moon..♫ ♬

    Go out and play in the moonlight then, Newt erm, Matt: tear down the danged fence — a.k.a. "teh interwebz" — that blocks us from fuller physical engagement with our immediate surroundings & steals too many of our waking hours!

  14. chascates

    Notice Matt didn't include any mention of Sarah Palin in his list. Perhaps our long, national nightmare is over.

  15. Ruhe

    #13. I'll miss the sober, rational discussions of our most intractable national problems. No seriously…that shit is missing…has anyone seen it…anywhere?

  16. johnnyzhivago

    Romney needs to carry a wad of $20 bills to pass out to poor people (basically EVERYONE not in his family). I think this would be a good way to improve his perception as an out of touch billionaire.

    More endorsements from rich people we all love will help him too – all of us like to imagine ourselves as friends of these people, right?

    1. ElPinche

      I know I strive to be part of the .00000025% every day. I'm Louis Anderson's character in "Coming to America" :
      Maurice: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.

  17. Tundra Grifter

    Without a date, we can't be sure. But I'm going to suggest that #8 – Ron Paul Famous Survival Kit – was wildly over-priced when it was offered.

    Funny, though, today it might actually be worth quite a bit more than those suckers paid for it.

        1. cheaphits

          We are constantly told that Carter gave us 10% unemployment. In fact, that number was reached Two Years Into Reagan's Term. Contrast that with today, when everything that occurred from 20 minutes after GW Bush flew out of DC was Obama's fault.

          And as to "Morning in America?" At this stage of the Reagan Administration unemployment was at 8% and the deficit was increasing. Now it's 8.3% and the deficit is down about 300 billion from last year.

          1. BarackMyWorld

            That's exactly the takeaway I got from it when I actually examined the numbers.

            I'm hesitant to compare deficits, though, since the value of the dollar changes over time, there's a difference between public and gross national debt, different types of recession affect government revenues differently, etc. However, the deficit being back on the way down is a good sign.

  18. paris biltong

    OK, Matt. I'm sorry I suggested you were getting high or partying with the Wonkette staff. The Gifzette was brilliant. Unsustainably so, obviously. Great try, though.

  19. flamingpdog

    Next time, Matt, name your blog The Griftzette. Lots more monetary possibilities, especially in today's 'Mur'ca.

  20. WhatTheHeck

    When you find the meaning of our existence and subsequent ‘calling’ please don’t tell us.
    The shock will be too great to bear.

  21. EatsBabyDingos

    I just saw a picture of Roseanne Barr, who is running for Prez on the Green ticket. She has lost a ton of weight, and now looks like what I expect Sarah Palin to look like in about 20 years. Or ten years if she stays in Methland.

  22. ElPinche

    Oh man, the racism from the GOP and their Super PACs in the general election is going to be *high pitch* AWWWESOME! What can we expect??>> New renditions of the Whitehouse watermelon patch, new Obama/Muslim conspiracies, etc etc etc!

  23. littlebigdaddy

    Can't possibly have a top-12 (?) list with no mention of Hermie. Becky-becky-becky-stan-stan….Libbey-a? And, of course, forced crotch sniffing. Good times!

  24. DarwinianDemon

    Noooo!!! I love Gifzette! What is this "putting a real social life ahead of internet time for strangers"? That's not an America for American Americans who love America Americaly.

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Goodbye Matt. The Gifzette has been a great way to start any morning…., at least for those of us that don't have to get up and write it.

  26. savethispatient

    See you soon Matt… Wonkette is a lot like Hotel California: you can check out, but you can never leave. Well you can't leave, except if you have a baby, it appears. SKS, you found the way!

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Take care, Matt — it was fun reading your posts, even if I had to do so in the middle of the afternoon because I'm barely up in the morning, much less speaking English or thinking coherently. And don't let that work stuff get you down — John Boehner doesn't, and neither should any of us.

  28. DahBoner

    The Ron Paul Survival Kit: A lawnchair, a balloon and a gun with bullets in it, to shoot down if you get too high…

  29. littlemisswhiskey

    LANGER! I went to school with you, broseph, and think it's cool that you ended up here. But I'm also at my desk by the time you're getting up for Gifzette and I can sometimes stay out as late as 7:30…sometimes. Guess I see your point.

    Best of luck!

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