Okay, not 'free admission' at all. That wouldn't be very 'the Donald,' would it?Why is Donald Trump in the news again? Wasn’t he banished for the rest of 2012? Guess not. Besides the dingle-dongle Endorse Newt vs. Endorse Mittens moment of this morning, vulgar hair-weave troglodyte Donald Trump is also planning to bury people in his tacky country club golf course graveyard in New Jersey. Give Trump some credit for trying to sell something most people who “lucked into money” in New Jersey desperately fear: being buried in a landfill by their mob boss.

It is environmentally despicable to be pumped full of poison chemicals and buried in some Costco casket with enough brass accents to be its own little Trump Tower, but if you’re going to go that way because you’re a sleazy old New Jersey country club mafioso, Trump’s golf courses deserve to be dug up and filled with corpses. Better the Donald’s acres of turf than some actual nice natural land, right?

The Associated Press reports:

They say you can’t take it with you when you die, but that’s not necessarily true for the wealthiest Americans — like Donald Trump.

He announced this week he is considering building a 1.5-acre cemetery next to his high-end golf course in Bedminster, where members pay a lifetime fee of as much as $300,000. If they want to stay beyond that, they most likely will pay a membership fee that includes burial.

When the next big earthquake strikes the East Coast, it will be funny when the embalmed oldsters pop out of the golf course and nobody can tell them apart from the golfers who are “still alive.” [AP/SFGate]

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  • memzilla

    Bedminster is known as Horse Country, so there is the satisfaction of having any crony of Trump's being covered in horse s**t for eternity.

    As In Life, So In Death.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Sadly, it is now Horses Ass Country.

    • You don't mean "shit" do you?! Oh, my delicate sensibilities!

      • memzilla

        Quite the contrary. I just don't want to get googled and have obscenities come up in someone's search results. Don't particularly care about being proven to be a libtard, though… go figure.

        • Well, the company you keep around here has blown your online rep, so you might as well cuss away!

  • shrillharpy


    • jus_wonderin

      Trump? Or his idea?

  • SorosBot

    How about, if I die, I just have my family leave my stinking, rotten, maggot-infested corpse on Trump's doorstep?

    • memzilla

      Trump will securitize your remains, backdate the viatical policy, bill your family for the processing and handling, and declare bankruptcy before they can sue. It's the American Way!

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        Corpse Default Swaps.

        • WunkRocker

          And then he opens a casino on the same 1.5 acres…

    • Barrelhse

      If they set you on fire and ring the doorbell maybe he'll stomp on your pus-filled corpse!

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    "Hobson! This corpse is blocking my shot to the fifth green. Please inform the board that I shall be requiring a refund for this year's membership."

    • memzilla

      Sorry, PGA rules only allow you a ball drop no nearer to the hole.

  • flamingpdog

    Ashholes to ashholes, dust to dust.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Put to put.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Be kind put the divots back or zombies come

  • FakaktaSouth

    I swear to God I just heard George Carlin's zombie head explode from beyond the grave. Cemeteries NEXT to golf courses. That is just something else. I can hear Craig T Nelson screaming (I channel a lot of old dude type celebrities) YOU FORGOT TO MOVE THE BODIES DIDN'T YA???? Yetch.

    • memzilla
      • Extemporanus

        The 13th holetergeist is a par 666.

        (Ugh. Even with my handicap, that's definitely getting marked down as a bogey, man.)

  • flamingpdog

    Whatever. I just hope the cemetary fills up quickly.

  • coolhandnuke

    Don of the Dead.

    • BarackMyWorld


  • memzilla

    Trump's cemetary will also require you to pay an annual placeholding fee to keep your premium location. Otherwise your grave is exhumed for the higher bidder and your remains are composted for divot replacement.

  • Your ass in my grass with some gold-plated klass!

    • Isyaignert

      The Trumpet has class all right – but it's all third.

      • Yeah–don't all of his Russian hooker-wives have КГДВЅ?

        • doloras

          What does KGDVS stand for?

    • Negropolis

      Klass out of the ass, as they say.

  • arihaya

    But wait, there is more: Register now and you will get a FREE posthumous baptism by Bishop Mittens himself !!

    And, for bonus you can get your VERY OWN Mormon planet heavens. *

    *terms and conditions apply

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Can I get a Trump™ Mormon Zombie Planet? I hear those are just tremendous, fantastic, huuuuge, with absolutely the best of everything. Classy, in other words.

  • GuanoFaucet

    You're pyred!

  • HistoriCat

    "Donald Trump" – don't really know much about the guy but he seems to be a mover and a shaker … maybe he would make a good president.

    • Isyaignert


    • tealsheart

      President of the hair club for men

  • Biff

    This is why The Donald is so rich, he's a real forward thinker. When I was a kid, I knew nothing of zoning laws and the like, and couldn't understand why Colma was so full of dead people, orchid hothouses and auto dealerships. The Donald knows things.

  • SorosBot

    So if they're adding in headstone hazards, a full-sized windmill you have to shoot the ball through should be next.

    • shrillharpy

      There should be a waterfall in there somewhere as well. And maybe a dinosaur.

      • Nothingisamiss

        *squeals* "Oh! Let's go visit grandpa!"

        • ChernobylSoup


  • orygoon

    Mixed feelings here. I like cemeteries (they're great places for walks) but don't like golf courses.

    But, I suppose, rest assured the Trump boneyard will be the ultimate in tacky.

    • HempDogbane

      Trump PREMIUM Boneyard !

  • Guppy

    I just don't need none of that Mad Max bullshit!

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, Donald Trump = Land Dump Rot

  • AlterNewt


  • What a put-z!

  • Schmannnity

    Donald Trump–the Ted Knight of cemeteries. Hope there are lots of gophers.

    • SorosBot

      Wait, Donald Trump is the Golden Age Starman? (Or is there some other Ted Knight besides the comic book character and I just don't get this reference?)

      • Angry_Marmot

        But I'll buy you a drink for naming the Golden Age Starman.

      • Are you so young that you never even watched "Mary Tyler Moore" on Nick At Nite?!

        • SorosBot

          More like I didn't watch Nick at Nite because my family wasn't rich and so we didn't have cable.

          • Ted Knight is still up there on the local market UHF channels somewhere as we speak, blubbering at Ed Asner, so poverty is no excuse!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Please tell me this is the last Trump story for a while.

  • mavenmaven

    Sounds like the setup for a new Poltergeist film.

    • bflrtsplk

      `More like Pet Sematery II

    • C_R_Eature

      "Putter Geist"

      *Groan* Sorry.

  • BearNoLike

    There's a hole in one/one in a hole joke here. I'm not drunk enough yet.

    • Nothingisamiss

      What about now?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Donald Trump, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Donald knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
      The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Donald joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

      Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

  • shrillharpy

    This whole thread makes me wanna go re-watch "Harold and Maude."

  • SexySmurf

    Speaking of future leaders of the free world: Roseanne Barr seeks Green Party presidential nod.

    • flamingpdog

      Katie, Barr the door!

      (All of them, Katie.)

    • Well, why not.

    • Negropolis

      I would pay to see her debate Obama and the Republican nominee. No, really; I'd actually pay.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        "I'm a presidential goddess. HA! No really. Remember, a long time ago I made my husband call me a domestic goddess instead of a housewife? Get it? Domestic goddess, now presidential goddess? Taking care of my brood? C'mon guys, it was funny"

      • tealsheart

        Me too also

  • But will the cemetery be HUUUUUGE? (C'mon, someone had to say it.)

    • WhatTheHeck

      It will be. Cause you can’t go mixing blacks and whites or christians jews and muslims. They all get sorted on the other side.
      Like god bringing in the thieves.

    • Biff

      1,5 acre doesn't sound like much, but consider the possibilities of a high-rise!

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Or a low-rise.

      • Negropolis

        That's what he said.

      • WunkRocker

        65,333 sq ft. Better stack 'em. Or reuse holes. Like his Russian Mail order trannies.

  • WhatTheHeck

    It is far easier for a rich man to pass through the ass of a camel than it is for him to enter the pearly gates carrying bags of loot.

  • fuflans
    • Don't you understand? A scheming, corrupt, adulterous, fat, disgraced, venal White Gentleman who rents his wife by the week with expensive jewelry is of higher social status than a Negro President Of The United States, who must be put in his place at all costs.

  • flamingpdog

    Maybe someome could convince Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries to stage a 17.9-million dollar funeral for themselves at the Donald's necropolis.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Forest Lawn Cemetery and Golf Course: You Won't Believe How Our Grass Stays So Green!

  • Negropolis

    Wait, planning? I thought all of his properties were mixed-use.

  • Come on, people, it's a natural.

    Hackers, dead bodies…it's like reality tv, only it'll be cheap programming for the horror flick crowd.

    I'm thinking there's going to be some natural H.P. Lovecraft material that can be worked in here.

    "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

    "In his house in Jersey, dead Donald's hair waits dreaming."

    • The Hair at Red Hook?
      The Strange High Hair in the Mist?
      The Dunwich Hair-or?

  • Donald's war against the Varmint Cong continues…

    • Biff

      Gophers, golfers, same thing.

      • Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!

        • Extemporanus

          …to rest!

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Nice chip shot there, sir.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Bark like a dog for me…

  • RadioFetusEater

    Debbie Wasserman Schultz wasn't kidding when she called them job cremators, not job creators.

    O/T, who knew that our esteemed DNC Chair was a co-sponsor of SOPA?

    • Biff

      I did not know that. So easily lead astray..,

    • flamingpdog

      DNC get in bed with Hollywood moguls? Who'd a thunk it?

    • Extemporanus

      "…job cremators, not job creators."

      Ash holes are the new sand traps.

  • It will be classy. The classiest Golf course/Graveyard ever built.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Introducing "Trump Death", all of the finality of regular death, with the added Class of New Jersey.

  • SorosBot

    Actually, golf courses and cemeteries go great together; both are giant complete wastes of land that could be either left for nature or used for something that benefits living people, but instead serve no purpose whatsoever.

    • flamingpdog

      Soundz like Capitol Hill.

    • paris biltong

      You know what else serves no purpose whatsoever? (Besides Republican Party presidential primaries).

  • coolhandnuke

    Puts a whole new twist on the golfing term–a buried lie.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      … and the nineteenth hole.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    You know who else was buried in a rich man's tomb?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Indiana Jones?

    • HITLER!!!

    • coolhandnuke

      Jimmy Hoffa?

    • flamingpdog

      Ulysses S. Grant?

    • King Tut?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        No, that was a condo made of stone-a.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Anna Nicole Smith?

    • flamingpdog
    • Callyson

      William R. Simonson?

    • flamingpdog

      Jesus of Nazareth?

    • Tevye?

    • Negropolis

      The King of Pop?

  • Biff

    Tomb of the Unknown Golfer Gopher.

  • Troglodeity

    This is perfect. They can name the cemetery "The Nineteenth Hole."

  • SayItWithWookies

    The Trump Hereafter® — because a lifetime isn't long enough to be an insufferable prick.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      The most luxurious, steak-sizzle, gilted purgatory.

      Actually, I've seen Trump Tower in NY. That'd be purgatory for most people. It's fucking hideous.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Nouveau riche get a place to dump their final load at new Trump Dump.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    "Golf courses and cemeteries are the biggest wastes of prime real estate” (Rodney Dangerfield). Texas comes in at #3

  • Actually, it strikes me as quite an appropriate combination.

  • I remember when we put his brain in Bill the Cat's body. He was still married to whatshername, the hooker with the accent. Can't believe this guy's still in the news.

  • Extemporanus

    This is good news for Lee Trevino.

    • But Zoeller's looking kind of fuzzy.

      • Extemporanus

        My comment currently has one upfist.

        Your reply currently has three upfists.

        This can mean only one thing: That huge new downfist button really does work!

        YAAAYY…er, wait…

        Oh, crap.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          No worries, extem…I got your back

          • Extemporanus

            Supermex says "hola":

            "How can they beat me? I've been struck by lightning, had two back operations, and been divorced twice."<:I>

          • And now your meta commentary stands to exceed my witless rejoinder. Amazing what a bad night's sleep can do…

          • Extemporanus

            Your rejoinder was in no way witless — I spent a good hour trying to come up with a decent and worthy Chi-Chi Rodriguez quip in reply, but obviously failed.

            I did give Chi-Chi a banana once, when I was about fifteen, as he was waiting to tee-off on the 9th at the Milwaukee Open.

            Dude loved bananas.

  • MadBrahms

    Most of us, however, will only be buried in debt.

  • paris biltong

    The paths of glory lead but to New Jersey.

  • Poindexter718

    Is this business strategy best described as vertical integration or horizontal integration?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    When Hell is full, the dead shall gather at… The 19th Hole!

    Edit: Holy cow…I made a joke within a joke without even knowing it. The 19th hole is slang for the bar in the clubhouse (hah! clubhouse…get it?) AND it's slang for a place to bury people who get in the way. ( )

    Who knew golf could be filled with so many things?

    • tealsheart

      Donnald knew

    • Who knew golf could be filled with so many things?

      I enjoy "Golf," the card game, quite often — it is just about the only card game my card-playing friends & I are inclined to engage in.
      Perhaps someday I'll get around to trying the actual sport, too.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        I used to enjoy playing golf video games. There was one a long time ago where you could shoot down blimps and helicopters. Good times.

        • Biff

          Doesn't wii have one for hipster shut-ins?

          • Dashboard Buddha

            I can only imagine what nursing homes will look like when my generation get there. We'll probably be playing Call of Duty: Elder Storm or Mario Hoverround.

  • Bluestatelibel

    I can't think of anyone more sensitive and dignified that I would want handling the final arrangements for my loved ones than Donald Trump! (Question: does he throw in the orange embalming?)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Tombstones and mausoleums would make for interesting obstacles. We're talking about miniature golf… right?

  • Extemporanus

    I can't sleep, so here:

    ♪♫ And he's buying a fairway, to heaven… ♪♫

    The Legend of Body Bagger Vance

    Cadaver Shack

    Fore! Weddings and a Funeral

    And you thought doglegs were tricky.

    This is literally a wedge issue.

    "What's your handicap?"
    "How many strokes is that?"
    "One is all you need."

    Q: How did Donald Trump throw out his back?
    A: He fell off the ball washer.

  • Sparky MacGyver

    Hey, everyone, We're all going to get laid (to rest)!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I was thinking Bowie.
    Or that John Carpenter movie with Jeff Bridges?

  • Chichikovovich

    There's a lot of synergy potential here, because the course is next to a branch campus of Miskatonic University, and Donald Trompé has been supporting the research of a rising star in human pathology, Dr. Herbert West.

    • C_R_Eature

      Tonight on NBC! Donald Trump's new Reality TV show: "Celebrity Re-Animator!"

    • paris biltong

      Funny you should mention it. My daughter got her degree there (ad nauseam, I'm proud to say). She minored in love crafts.

  • Ruhe

    "Popping out of" and thus disturbing the turf would be a clear violation of Rule 13 (see clause re: "building a stance").

  • elburritodeluxe

    Bedminister has ridiculous high property taxes. Designating part of your golf course as a cemetery (held in a special trust at a much lower property tax rate) is actually quite clever.

    • Biff

      In that case, I think I see what he did, there.

  • SpiderCrab

    I heard that Trump let Mittens in on the ground floor.

  • LiveToServeYa

    There they lie, between the tee and the green
    Along the fairway to Heaven
    Until the last Trump calls with lone trumpette
    Raising the dead inconceivable

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    There's a sense that development within his Trumpany has slowed to a crawl. He's now selling real estate to dead people.

  • C_R_Eature

    Golf and Death, two of my least favorite things.

    Wait…Golf, Death and Donald Trump, Three of my least favorite things.

    No, wait…Golf, Death, Donald Trump and New Jersey

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Golf is a good walk spoiled.

      • C_R_Eature

        One of my favorite quotes from Mr. Clemens!

  • tealsheart

    Fuck 'em both till they get Bishop Eddie Long endorsement.

    • widestanceshakedown

      Or would that be, "endowment"?

    • kissawookiee

      He's the only Bedminister for me.

  • Listen, his aim is really bad, so he needed a bigger hole to sink his putts in.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Mr. Santorum?

  • C_R_Eature

    I understand That Mr. Trump will spend a year Dead there, for Tax Reasons.

  • Indiepalin

    Is Trump angling for a re-make of "Poltergeist"?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Heard it.

  • OneYieldRegular

    My guess is that the "No divots" rule is going to be very, very, very strictly enforced. (My god, why do I even know what a divot is? I loathe golf.).

  • Golf courses and cemetaries?

    Trump is the bizarro Al Czervik

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If I knew anything about golf, aside from what I learned in Caddyshack and Goldfinger, I could probably come up with a clever cogent comment here. But I don't, and it looks like all of the low-hanging Caddyshack fruit has already been plucked, so I guess I will fold my arms, tap my toe, and impatiently glance at my watch every 45 seconds or so while I impatiently await the first post of the morning.

    • MissTaken

      Noonan, Noonan, Nnnoooooonnnan

      • BaldarTFlagass

        OK, I missed one.

      • SorosBot

        Ew you've given me the picture of some poor guy having sex with her now.

        • MissTaken

          Oh, and I was imagining some mortician messing with another mortician about not getting the coffin in the grave. I try avoid all thoughts of Peggington Nooningtonshire this early in the morning.

      • We were promised Ginger Snaps all week! Where are they?!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Your morning waiting for a new thread watching Wisc. Recall links.

    T-Bone Shuffle

  • thefrontpage


    FEB. 3, 2012 (Hoboken, N.J.)—The Mafia, also known as La Cosa Nostra, The Syndicate, Organized Crime of America (OCA), The Silician Underground and The Five Families and Associated Families, issued this official Mafia statement today, in response to Donald Trump's plans to have people buried at his golf course:

    "This Trump goonbah should know–and needs to know–that the Mafia handles all burials at all golf courses in the states of New Jersey, New York, Illinois, Florida, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and Connecticut. Any infringement of this territory will be met by extreme responses–unlessing, of course, Trump owes up and offers a certain generous 'donation' to the Five Familes. Say, five million, in cold, hard cash. Then, we'll maybe let him bury some bodies at his tacky golf course place."

    Contact: Anzolini "The Groundskeeper" Andolni, Hoboken, N.J., Kandi Apples Nightclub, Sinatra Street, Hoboken.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Afterward, did they have a private party where Trump kept going into hissy fits over the fact he had a bottle of Dom Perignon to celebrate the occasion and kept saying, in between the two of them talking about how good the very poor have it, "what's this mormon thing? Hae a glass. I'll go tell those mormon bosses "listen motherfucker: this is Dom Perignon, not some wino white port crap".

  • paris biltong

    Matt Langer is probably partying all night with our girls and we're left waiting for them to emerge from their slumber and post something on the Gifzette and the Wonkette. What a life!

  • jus_wonderin

    I can't compete today. Some of these comments are…killin' me.

  • ttommyunger

    Leave it to the Trumpster to keep coming up with novel and inventive ways to bury the stiff.

  • BZ1

    The Donald's cemetery, classy …

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