final endorsements

Donald Trump Now Planning To Bury People In His Tacky Golf Course

Okay, not 'free admission' at all. That wouldn't be very 'the Donald,' would it?Why is Donald Trump in the news again? Wasn’t he banished for the rest of 2012? Guess not. Besides the dingle-dongle Endorse Newt vs. Endorse Mittens moment of this morning, vulgar hair-weave troglodyte Donald Trump is also planning to bury people in his tacky country club golf course graveyard in New Jersey. Give Trump some credit for trying to sell something most people who “lucked into money” in New Jersey desperately fear: being buried in a landfill by their mob boss.

It is environmentally despicable to be pumped full of poison chemicals and buried in some Costco casket with enough brass accents to be its own little Trump Tower, but if you’re going to go that way because you’re a sleazy old New Jersey country club mafioso, Trump’s golf courses deserve to be dug up and filled with corpses. Better the Donald’s acres of turf than some actual nice natural land, right?

The Associated Press reports:

They say you can’t take it with you when you die, but that’s not necessarily true for the wealthiest Americans — like Donald Trump.

He announced this week he is considering building a 1.5-acre cemetery next to his high-end golf course in Bedminster, where members pay a lifetime fee of as much as $300,000. If they want to stay beyond that, they most likely will pay a membership fee that includes burial.

When the next big earthquake strikes the East Coast, it will be funny when the embalmed oldsters pop out of the golf course and nobody can tell them apart from the golfers who are “still alive.” [AP/SFGate]

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  1. memzilla

    Bedminster is known as Horse Country, so there is the satisfaction of having any crony of Trump's being covered in horse s**t for eternity.

    As In Life, So In Death.

      1. memzilla

        Quite the contrary. I just don't want to get googled and have obscenities come up in someone's search results. Don't particularly care about being proven to be a libtard, though… go figure.

  2. SorosBot

    How about, if I die, I just have my family leave my stinking, rotten, maggot-infested corpse on Trump's doorstep?

    1. memzilla

      Trump will securitize your remains, backdate the viatical policy, bill your family for the processing and handling, and declare bankruptcy before they can sue. It's the American Way!

  3. Fukui_sanYesOta

    "Hobson! This corpse is blocking my shot to the fifth green. Please inform the board that I shall be requiring a refund for this year's membership."

  4. FakaktaSouth

    I swear to God I just heard George Carlin's zombie head explode from beyond the grave. Cemeteries NEXT to golf courses. That is just something else. I can hear Craig T Nelson screaming (I channel a lot of old dude type celebrities) YOU FORGOT TO MOVE THE BODIES DIDN'T YA???? Yetch.

      1. Extemporanus

        The 13th holetergeist is a par 666.

        (Ugh. Even with my handicap, that's definitely getting marked down as a bogey, man.)

  5. memzilla

    Trump's cemetary will also require you to pay an annual placeholding fee to keep your premium location. Otherwise your grave is exhumed for the higher bidder and your remains are composted for divot replacement.

  6. arihaya

    But wait, there is more: Register now and you will get a FREE posthumous baptism by Bishop Mittens himself !!

    And, for bonus you can get your VERY OWN Mormon planet heavens. *

    *terms and conditions apply

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Can I get a Trump™ Mormon Zombie Planet? I hear those are just tremendous, fantastic, huuuuge, with absolutely the best of everything. Classy, in other words.

  7. HistoriCat

    "Donald Trump" – don't really know much about the guy but he seems to be a mover and a shaker … maybe he would make a good president.

  8. Biff

    This is why The Donald is so rich, he's a real forward thinker. When I was a kid, I knew nothing of zoning laws and the like, and couldn't understand why Colma was so full of dead people, orchid hothouses and auto dealerships. The Donald knows things.

  9. SorosBot

    So if they're adding in headstone hazards, a full-sized windmill you have to shoot the ball through should be next.

  10. orygoon

    Mixed feelings here. I like cemeteries (they're great places for walks) but don't like golf courses.

    But, I suppose, rest assured the Trump boneyard will be the ultimate in tacky.

    1. SorosBot

      Wait, Donald Trump is the Golden Age Starman? (Or is there some other Ted Knight besides the comic book character and I just don't get this reference?)

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Donald Trump, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Donald knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
      The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Donald joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

      Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        "I'm a presidential goddess. HA! No really. Remember, a long time ago I made my husband call me a domestic goddess instead of a housewife? Get it? Domestic goddess, now presidential goddess? Taking care of my brood? C'mon guys, it was funny"

    1. WhatTheHeck

      It will be. Cause you can’t go mixing blacks and whites or christians jews and muslims. They all get sorted on the other side.
      Like god bringing in the thieves.

  11. WhatTheHeck

    It is far easier for a rich man to pass through the ass of a camel than it is for him to enter the pearly gates carrying bags of loot.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Don't you understand? A scheming, corrupt, adulterous, fat, disgraced, venal White Gentleman who rents his wife by the week with expensive jewelry is of higher social status than a Negro President Of The United States, who must be put in his place at all costs.

  12. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Come on, people, it's a natural.

    Hackers, dead bodies…it's like reality tv, only it'll be cheap programming for the horror flick crowd.

    I'm thinking there's going to be some natural H.P. Lovecraft material that can be worked in here.

    "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

    "In his house in Jersey, dead Donald's hair waits dreaming."

  13. RadioFetusEater

    Debbie Wasserman Schultz wasn't kidding when she called them job cremators, not job creators.

    O/T, who knew that our esteemed DNC Chair was a co-sponsor of SOPA?

  14. SudsMcKenzie

    Introducing "Trump Death", all of the finality of regular death, with the added Class of New Jersey.

  15. SorosBot

    Actually, golf courses and cemeteries go great together; both are giant complete wastes of land that could be either left for nature or used for something that benefits living people, but instead serve no purpose whatsoever.

    1. paris biltong

      You know what else serves no purpose whatsoever? (Besides Republican Party presidential primaries).

  16. SayItWithWookies

    The Trump Hereafter® — because a lifetime isn't long enough to be an insufferable prick.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      The most luxurious, steak-sizzle, gilted purgatory.

      Actually, I've seen Trump Tower in NY. That'd be purgatory for most people. It's fucking hideous.

  17. GeorgiaBurning

    "Golf courses and cemeteries are the biggest wastes of prime real estate” (Rodney Dangerfield). Texas comes in at #3

  18. imissopus

    I remember when we put his brain in Bill the Cat's body. He was still married to whatshername, the hooker with the accent. Can't believe this guy's still in the news.

      1. Extemporanus

        My comment currently has one upfist.

        Your reply currently has three upfists.

        This can mean only one thing: That huge new downfist button really does work!

        YAAAYY…er, wait…

        Oh, crap.

          1. Extemporanus

            Supermex says "hola":

            "How can they beat me? I've been struck by lightning, had two back operations, and been divorced twice."<:I>

          2. Extemporanus

            Your rejoinder was in no way witless — I spent a good hour trying to come up with a decent and worthy Chi-Chi Rodriguez quip in reply, but obviously failed.

            I did give Chi-Chi a banana once, when I was about fifteen, as he was waiting to tee-off on the 9th at the Milwaukee Open.

            Dude loved bananas.

  19. Dashboard Buddha

    When Hell is full, the dead shall gather at… The 19th Hole!

    Edit: Holy cow…I made a joke within a joke without even knowing it. The 19th hole is slang for the bar in the clubhouse (hah! clubhouse…get it?) AND it's slang for a place to bury people who get in the way. ( )

    Who knew golf could be filled with so many things?

    1. Evil AynBot

      Who knew golf could be filled with so many things?

      I enjoy "Golf," the card game, quite often — it is just about the only card game my card-playing friends & I are inclined to engage in.
      Perhaps someday I'll get around to trying the actual sport, too.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        I used to enjoy playing golf video games. There was one a long time ago where you could shoot down blimps and helicopters. Good times.

          1. Dashboard Buddha

            I can only imagine what nursing homes will look like when my generation get there. We'll probably be playing Call of Duty: Elder Storm or Mario Hoverround.

  20. Bluestatelibel

    I can't think of anyone more sensitive and dignified that I would want handling the final arrangements for my loved ones than Donald Trump! (Question: does he throw in the orange embalming?)

  21. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Tombstones and mausoleums would make for interesting obstacles. We're talking about miniature golf… right?

  22. Extemporanus

    I can't sleep, so here:

    ♪♫ And he's buying a fairway, to heaven… ♪♫

    The Legend of Body Bagger Vance

    Cadaver Shack

    Fore! Weddings and a Funeral

    And you thought doglegs were tricky.

    This is literally a wedge issue.

    "What's your handicap?"
    "How many strokes is that?"
    "One is all you need."

    Q: How did Donald Trump throw out his back?
    A: He fell off the ball washer.

  23. Chichikovovich

    There's a lot of synergy potential here, because the course is next to a branch campus of Miskatonic University, and Donald Trompé has been supporting the research of a rising star in human pathology, Dr. Herbert West.

    1. paris biltong

      Funny you should mention it. My daughter got her degree there (ad nauseam, I'm proud to say). She minored in love crafts.

  24. Ruhe

    "Popping out of" and thus disturbing the turf would be a clear violation of Rule 13 (see clause re: "building a stance").

  25. elburritodeluxe

    Bedminister has ridiculous high property taxes. Designating part of your golf course as a cemetery (held in a special trust at a much lower property tax rate) is actually quite clever.

  26. LiveToServeYa

    There they lie, between the tee and the green
    Along the fairway to Heaven
    Until the last Trump calls with lone trumpette
    Raising the dead inconceivable

  27. KeepFnThatChicken

    There's a sense that development within his Trumpany has slowed to a crawl. He's now selling real estate to dead people.

  28. C_R_Eature

    Golf and Death, two of my least favorite things.

    Wait…Golf, Death and Donald Trump, Three of my least favorite things.

    No, wait…Golf, Death, Donald Trump and New Jersey

  29. OneYieldRegular

    My guess is that the "No divots" rule is going to be very, very, very strictly enforced. (My god, why do I even know what a divot is? I loathe golf.).

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    If I knew anything about golf, aside from what I learned in Caddyshack and Goldfinger, I could probably come up with a clever cogent comment here. But I don't, and it looks like all of the low-hanging Caddyshack fruit has already been plucked, so I guess I will fold my arms, tap my toe, and impatiently glance at my watch every 45 seconds or so while I impatiently await the first post of the morning.

        1. MissTaken

          Oh, and I was imagining some mortician messing with another mortician about not getting the coffin in the grave. I try avoid all thoughts of Peggington Nooningtonshire this early in the morning.

  31. thefrontpage


    FEB. 3, 2012 (Hoboken, N.J.)—The Mafia, also known as La Cosa Nostra, The Syndicate, Organized Crime of America (OCA), The Silician Underground and The Five Families and Associated Families, issued this official Mafia statement today, in response to Donald Trump's plans to have people buried at his golf course:

    "This Trump goonbah should know–and needs to know–that the Mafia handles all burials at all golf courses in the states of New Jersey, New York, Illinois, Florida, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and Connecticut. Any infringement of this territory will be met by extreme responses–unlessing, of course, Trump owes up and offers a certain generous 'donation' to the Five Familes. Say, five million, in cold, hard cash. Then, we'll maybe let him bury some bodies at his tacky golf course place."

    Contact: Anzolini "The Groundskeeper" Andolni, Hoboken, N.J., Kandi Apples Nightclub, Sinatra Street, Hoboken.

  32. DustBowlBlues

    Afterward, did they have a private party where Trump kept going into hissy fits over the fact he had a bottle of Dom Perignon to celebrate the occasion and kept saying, in between the two of them talking about how good the very poor have it, "what's this mormon thing? Hae a glass. I'll go tell those mormon bosses "listen motherfucker: this is Dom Perignon, not some wino white port crap".

  33. paris biltong

    Matt Langer is probably partying all night with our girls and we're left waiting for them to emerge from their slumber and post something on the Gifzette and the Wonkette. What a life!

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