THE HOLIEST MISSION OF ALL  4:59 pm February 2, 2012

John McCain Needs Stuff to Sacrifice to War Gods, to Save War Budget

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Screengrab from John McCain's nightly dream sequence.

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC! John McCain is all hot tears and snot right now over $600 billion in automatic cuts to defense spending triggered by the laughably predictable failure of the debt supercommittee last fall, so WALNUTS and his merry band of warhawks are stomping around the Senate hunting for government jobs to axe from the budget as a sacrifice to the war gods, in hopes of preventing the cuts from taking effect next year. Would five percent of the federal government workforce appease you, o Thor or Huitzilopocthli or Ares or Jesus or whoever wants to listen, COME ON HERE?

Yes, he offers to sacrifice five percent of all federal jobs, or just federal workers if the workers refuse to give up the jobs. The sacrifice of government jobs, obviously, is the only acceptable kind. Higher taxes on the wealthy will not sate the deities, cry the high priests of war:

“Let’s not let a domestic issue such as tax increases interfere with what could be devastating,” McCain said. “Everyone agrees that [defense] sequestration cannot take place. This is a proposal that we think has great validity.”

By “what could be devastating” Walnuts means three fewer $200 billion killing machines, and by “everyone,” he means himself and his adoring girlfriend, who oh look! also has an opinion about not raising taxes and leaving millionaires alone for heaven’s sake:

“We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “If the Democrats have a problem with the way we’re paying for this, surely to God in a budget this big we can find enough money to avoid decimating the Department of Defense.”

Barack Obama FOR NOW at least has told John McCain he will veto this bill if it passes, because it is ridiculous. [The Hill]

 
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{ 262 comments }

nounverb911 February 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"John McCain Needs Stuff to Sacrifice to War Gods"
Start with your son in the Navy.

Jukesgrrl February 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Dad and son are both government employees. Let's start the cuts there.

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:22 pm

He also has one who's a jarhead but I suggest he start with Meghan.

Boojum_Reborn February 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I'll take her off his hands.

Guppy February 2, 2012 at 7:44 pm

She's got two jars!

Steverino247 February 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm

You know why Marines can't eat peanut butter?

Their heads won't fit in the jar.

ManchuCandidate February 2, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Could always retire the Guided Missile Destroyer USS John S. McCain (named after a useful McCain, not the dipshit senator)

glamourdammerung February 2, 2012 at 8:18 pm

That is totally inappropriate.

Senator McCain was very useful to the North Vietnamese.

MittBorg February 2, 2012 at 9:50 pm

At least *his* son's *serving.*

But McCain is on 100% disability and draws a full pension as well as Social Security. And, despite a family income of $6-10 MILLION pa, and TEN homes, and a PERSONAL income in the region of half a million pa, he has yet to give up his government-paid health care. Shouldn't he be setting some sort of, you know, example?

real_dc_native February 3, 2012 at 11:35 am

That setting an example stuff is just for the "little people" , the poors.

Come here a minute February 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Hey Lindsey — God says don't call him Shirley.

nounverb911 February 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

God's a him?

ProgressiveInga February 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Lindsey's a him?

hollywooddood February 2, 2012 at 5:53 pm

As teh gheys would say, "gurrrl!

MrFizzy February 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

S/O – Washington Post reported two days ago that the VA has a backlog of 2 million disability claims from the two most recent optional wars this country has chosen to engage in. Rot in fucking hell McCain, Cheney, Bush, Wolfowitz, etc. etc. S/O

proudgrampa February 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

We can give each of the vets an iPad!

What?

smokefilledroommate February 2, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Arizona's in the news again, I see.

donner_froh February 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Dear John McCain:

What is the part of "across the board cuts" that you don't understand? You no speak English, senor?

Signed,

Your biggest fan

Lascauxcaveman February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Dear John McCain:

When you say: "“Everyone agrees that [defense] sequestration cannot take place," I, for one, will respectfully disagree.

And I may not be alone in this.

Sincerely,

A US Taxpayer whose taxes fund a military that is more expensive than all the other militaries in the world, combined.

Slim_Pickins February 2, 2012 at 10:38 pm

He is a Panamanian by birth, so you can't really expect him to comprehend English, can you?

Schmannnity February 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I'm confused. I thought Iraq paid for itself.

emmelemm February 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

And has nothing, repeat NOTHING, to do with our current deficit situation.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Nor do Bush's tax cuts.

hollywooddood February 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm

The Iraqi's hearts and minds were enough for me.

Thurman Munster IV February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

…splattered across Babylon

Boojum_Reborn February 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I want their livers!

IceCreamEmpress February 2, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Jesus wept, if I had a dollar for every asshat who was SURE Iraq was going to pay for itself…

Man0nTheStreet February 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

However, the payments went to Iran.

MilwaukeeKent February 2, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Oh? did you think they said "The Iraq War would pay for itself?" What they meant to say, on behalf of the military-industrial complex, was "The Iraq War will pay ourselves very well."

C_R_Eature February 2, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Of course it did! It paid – Handsomely – all the Defense Contractors and Resource companies that it was designed to!

What? No, it didn't pay us back. Never supposed to. Did you not get the memo?

An_Outhouse February 3, 2012 at 9:32 am

From Iran's perspective, Iraq did pay for itself.

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

If it would make John McCain go away or have a heart attack, I would fuck his brains out.

Barb February 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I'd fondle his balls while you did it to speed things up.

PuckStopsHere February 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

You two are the TRUE PATRIOTS!

smokefilledroommate February 2, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Blech. *puke* eww

Monsieur_Grumpe February 2, 2012 at 5:09 pm

And a little twisted. I like twisted.

MittBorg February 2, 2012 at 10:15 pm

His balls? Yeah, I'd like those twisted, too. EXTRA HARD, Barb!

Extemporanus February 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

CUNTRY FIRST!!

nounverb911 February 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Why do you hate Lindsey Graham so much?

Biff February 2, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Ms Lindsey thinks girls are icky.

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Well, particular if they'd be getting it on with his man is the point.

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

But, how could one find them?

smokefilledroommate February 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I'm sure they're much like the prunes he eats for 'regularity'.

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Does a brisk morning swim change his sex?

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Who can roger him from behind with a large, black dildo?

Schmannnity February 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Paging Sen. Lindsey Graham.

nounverb911 February 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Paging Mark Foley's page.

Extemporanus February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Youu know who? That one.

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

FTW

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Allen West is just the large, black dildo for the job!

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Yes, he certainly is.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 2, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I will donate my hammer drill for the cause.

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Excellent!

actor212 February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Sure, take the easy job considering he has none

BigDumbRedDog February 2, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Way to take one for the team, guys.

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 5:39 pm

That's Lieberman's job.

Callyson February 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Talk about putting country first!

widestanceshakedown February 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm

And also to Barb: and I will hold up your porn to make it a little less awful for youse.

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Not sure a million "ulitmate dog tease" videos and a billion cute kittens could work as an offset. And I have not kept up with my Adorable Puppy Credits.

Barb February 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Love ya, Widestance!

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

That is truly a sacrifice going beyond the call of duty.

Boojum_Reborn February 2, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Would you like me to go away, instead? Because I can be persuaded.

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

You'd have to lobby him first, to get him in the mood.

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I could talk war porn.

MissTaken February 2, 2012 at 5:55 pm

While also singing Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran.

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 5:59 pm

That would be you, so that's the gang, you me and Barb!

MittBorg February 2, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Bit before her time, but there's plenty of us Oldz here who could provide backup vocals.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me, but there I was, in downtown Baghdad's Threewayfka Brothel, when…

ttommyunger February 2, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Drill, baby, drill!

rocktonsam February 2, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Limeylizzie : Dan Savage on line one for you dear

GuanoFaucet February 2, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Hey McCain, how about you help to offset the defense cuts by paying the military back for all those fucking planes you crashed.

MosesInvests February 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Not to mention the flight deck of USS Forrestal.

SudsMcKenzie February 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

My friends, can we all just kill Muslins?

emmelemm February 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

If there's one thing we can ALL agree on….

smokefilledroommate February 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Jobs for Drones

JackObin February 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I don't know, Johnny. Why not send Commander Palin to straighten it all out? After all, you told us years ago what a maverick she is.

Biff February 2, 2012 at 7:15 pm

If we're gonna use Top Gun nicknames, she's more like Icemancunt.

PuckStopsHere February 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I'm sure a threat from Mr. Obama has them wetting their pants. Of course, in Walnut's case, it has nothing to do with him wetting his pants. He just does that as a matter of course now.

yrbmegr February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Let's all buy stock in plastic sheeting! You know, for the Senate furniture. Or is that insider trading?

MittBorg February 2, 2012 at 10:18 pm

*Now*?

Numbat_Dundee February 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

So Moloch must be fed but not with the wealth of the wealthy. It must be fed then with the non-existent wealth of the non-wealthy. Good luck with that. Tell us how it went.

IceCreamEmpress February 2, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Maybe Moloch likes WALNUTS!

Monsieur_Grumpe February 2, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Hey John, I heard there is a dog pooping on one of your many lawns, why don't you do something worth while and take care of that?

GunToting[Redacted] February 2, 2012 at 5:08 pm

“We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.).

Might is be possible to use a millionaire tax to fix a SINGLE FUCKING PROBLEM?

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

But then how is all the millionaires' money going to trickle down to the rest of us? I mean we've only given them 30 years, surely the rest of us will reap the benefits soon.

HistoriCat February 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

(Googling build your own guillotine instructions) … yes, we will reap them very soon.

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Do I need to learn to knit or can I use a Knit Wit?

IceCreamEmpress February 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Ah, ça ira, ça ira!

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Best be quiet, we don't want them warned until the time comes.

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:31 pm

I know, right? What a fucking stupid quote.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Yes, gods forbid we cut the military budget even one cent; otherwise we will be unable to defend the US from all the military threats we face, like… um…

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Castro's communist hordes!

Lascauxcaveman February 2, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Saddam Hussein('s Ghost)!

deelzebub February 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm

He's tricked the Mormons into building WMDs for him in Heaven.

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Liberal sympathizers!

emmelemm February 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Occupy protesters!

C_R_Eature February 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Doesn't matter now, we'll find someone.

We always find someone.

glamourdammerung February 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Khrushchev's shoe!

AlterNewt February 2, 2012 at 8:32 pm

The God–Damned–French. That's who!

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:31 pm

….uh…uh….oops.

MaxNeanderthal February 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Nice pic of Up Helly Aa. My sis lives in the next Island group over. A very astute choice for McCain's choice of wet dream, but I suspect as a Scotsman, he'd get a battle axe up the jacksie from the Shetlanders (they all consider themselves Norwegians..)

Kirsten Boyd Johnson February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Isn’t it great? I have been looking at pictures of Up Helly Aa all day.

savethispatient February 2, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Good spot, I wasn't paying attention – I was born a Shetlander, although I live a very long way away now. I did have an itching to set things on fire on Tuesday though!

Shetlanders feel more Scottish now than in the past (they actually support the Scottish football team these days, unlike when my mum was growing up), but they generally don't like people from "Doon Sooth" meddling with their affairs.

Biff February 2, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Who will think of the ponies?

Extemporanus February 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

NO TAXATION WITHOUT SEQUESTRATION!

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I can't be sure, but there is probably a base or a defense contract in their districts, right?

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Actually, there's one in just about every single congressional district in the nation. Wonder how/why that happened?

jus_wonderin February 3, 2012 at 6:23 am

Barksdale AFB is in my hometown. Where W ran to after 911. Damn, we almost had him.

philpjfry February 2, 2012 at 5:12 pm

The sky is falling the sky is falling. Once Iran hears this they will attack us for sure

widestanceshakedown February 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Yeah, I hear they've been stockpiling pistachios for years and let me tell you, they can pack a punch when they hit a target.

SudsMcKenzie February 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Well, he has personally tried to reduce our Naval force.

fuflans February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

ouch.

nice.

TeaNuts February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I hear we have to many Seaman, we need to eject more Seaman. Everyone stand with me to eject more Seaman.

widestanceshakedown February 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Does standing on my knees count?

CapnFatback February 2, 2012 at 5:37 pm

It counts multiple times.

With all hope.

hagajim February 2, 2012 at 5:14 pm

“Let’s not let a domestic issue such as tax increases interfere with what could be devastating,”

Wait a minute, wasn't it McCain and his stupid fuck Rethug buddies who set up this B.S. because they couldn't face the possibility of the richies having to pay more? Fuck you Walnuts and fuck your war machine! I hope they have to cut $600 billion, then we'll only be spending 10 times what the next 15 nations combined do instead of 15 times….fuck off and die you old dick!

smashedinhat February 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

The budget still staggers from all the aircraft he pranged.

actor212 February 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Really! Imagine how much those planes would be worth today!

I mean, hell, we could sell them on Pawn Stars and make a mint!

Eve8Apples February 2, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I recommend starting with the House of Representatives, their benefits, their personal budgets and their staff, their staff's benefits and budgets. After cleaning House so to speak, focus on the Senate. The nation doesn't need 100 multimillionaires on the government dole. Eliminate the Senate, their staff, their benefits and their budgets.

Congress is a country club for lazy idiots who do not have the skills necessary to find a job in the private sector. Taxpayers are tired of supporting them.

widestanceshakedown February 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm

But, this was part of the agreement, no?

I'm beginning to wonder if these guys can be trusted at all.

HistoriCat February 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

It's almost enough to make one question one's faith in the system.

actor212 February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Why doesn't McCain hold a bake sale, like all good Girl Scouts would?

Callyson February 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Yeah–if we make those cuts, Osama will return from the dead and nuke us all.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:33 pm

You never know when those crafty Canadians might invade!

DerrickWildcat February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I saw this movie War Horse, well I didn't see it, but I saw the commercial so I have a pretty good idea of what the movie was about. Anyway, The Americans had a super breed of Horses that could jump really high and really far and they beat Hitler. I'm pretty sure Horses are cheaper than Tanks and Jets. They might need special food and that might be expensive, but probably still cheaper than Tanks and Jets. We could save a lot of money that way. They could run really fast too.

TeaNuts February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I saw this movie about talking Apes, maybe we could replace congress with them and just pay them in bananas.

CapnFatback February 2, 2012 at 5:49 pm

But if you don't raise their rate appropriately, the South Carolina apes will be tempted to accept bribes from Big Chiquita.

DerrickWildcat February 2, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Talking Apes? Well that's just silly. I'm being serious here.

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I yield the balance of my time to Senator Cornelius (Chimp-NY)

Man0nTheStreet February 2, 2012 at 8:25 pm

I saw this movie about talking cockroaches and assholes – it was a documentary about Gingrich's years as Speaker of the House.

Bluestatelibel February 2, 2012 at 6:32 pm

We have enough horses' asses in the Senate and Congress. I don't see why we need more.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Now I think we need a true horse's ass in the Senate – bring back Senator Incitatus!

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 6:47 pm

"They might need special food and that might be expensive, but probably still cheaper than Tanks and Jets."

Considering that a lot of the mess we are in is due to the cost and availability of that "special food" for tanks and jets and SUVs and F-350s and Hummers etc, I think you are spot on.

deelzebub February 2, 2012 at 7:20 pm

As good as it would be for our carbon footprints to return to horse-based travel, it would be a personal tragedy for me. I'm horribly allergic to the beasts and I just paid off the loan on my Shelby today.

Sharkey February 2, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Oh believe me, I eat a lot of "special" food.

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Isn't the defense budget almost triple what it was before Dubya barged onto the scene? Back before we turned 90% of the world against us for our imperialist adventures? Back when government employees did war stuff rather than farming it out to the tune of $150,000 per grunt on the ground.

yrbmegr February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

The Lindsay Paradox: Where can we cut an amount out of the federal budget that would decimate the Department of Defense without decimating any other part of the federal government? Now, that's a poser.

SudsMcKenzie February 2, 2012 at 5:57 pm

And here I thought the "The Lindsay Paradox" was ; I make Mark Foley look like Charles Bronson and yet they still cant figure it out.

donner_froh February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Yeah, you wouldn't want to cut anything like the f-35 air superiority fighter that will cost about $300 billion.

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

And according to CNN cannot land on aircraft carriers. And cannot be made to land on aircraft carriers.

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Ooopsey!

donner_froh February 2, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Exactly the aircraft for John McCain who also can't land on aircraft carriers.

Rotundo_ February 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Or the aircraft carriers, guided missile destroyers, tanks etc. that can be taken out with relatively low cost missiles. If we actually went up against a country that had real armed forces, instead of leftover 70's relics from ourselves and Russia, we would find out just how vulnerable our stealth weaponry is to homemade ship to ship missiles and other weapons. There is a reason we are going with drones for recon and attack as much as we are-no prisoners of war and no nonsense. An air superiority fighter is neat, but drones will get the job done for a fraction of the cost.

MRjonz February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

No, you see, when Jesus said “But I say unto you, Love your enemies” he meant we should love them like we love Him; after they’re dead.

BigDumbRedDog February 2, 2012 at 5:21 pm

We're going to need to build a pyramid or something to sacrifice these jobs on. I'm thinking we disembowel the job and tell out fortunes in its guts and then cut out the jobs still beating heart and burn it. Also, don't forget to check the job for unborn fetuses. Them's good eatin!

Boojum_Reborn February 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

This is good news…for John McCain.

fuflans February 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!

donner_froh February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

If the defense budget is cut any further, the Soviet tank divisions will break through the Fulda Gap and attack across the north German plain.

actor212 February 2, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Defense contractors are people too, my friend!

CapnFatback February 2, 2012 at 5:27 pm

surely to God in a budget this big we can find enough money to avoid decimating the Department of Defense.”

And what would be so wrong with that? After all, to decimate means, metaphorically, "to reduce by a tenth." And, in fact, this sequestration would do just that to the defense budget. So the question is does Graham know this and is trying to stir up anxiety in those who believe that "decimate" primarily means the same as "annihilate," or is he clueless to the original meaning of the word? Or, to put it in multiple choice form, is Graham:

a) oily?
b) ignorant?
c) both?
d) a human rag doll on Thursday nights for a trucker named Carl whom he met in a Denny's bathroom?

Post your answers below, class.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 2, 2012 at 5:40 pm

It's not just metaphorically.

"If ever these same things happen to occur among a large group of men… the officers reject the idea of bludgeoning or slaughtering all the men involved [as is the case with a small group or an individual]. Instead they find a solution for the situation which chooses by a lottery system sometimes five, sometimes eight, sometimes twenty of these men, always calculating the number in this group with reference to the whole unit of offenders so that this group forms one-tenth of all those guilty of cowardice. And these men who are chosen by lot are bludgeoned mercilessly in the manner described above.
~

CapnFatback February 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Well, to apply the smiting of ten percent to a budget would be the metaphorical turn to which I was referring, but if we're talking the original Latin (and who isn't these days?), then, yes, it's literally "reduce by a tenth."

HistoriCat February 2, 2012 at 5:41 pm

e) All of the above.

Spurning Beer February 2, 2012 at 8:12 pm

,,,, Katie.

SayItWithWookies February 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm

So McCain would rather slash federal jobs than cut $60 billion from the defense budget? How many jobs would that be, I wonder. Let's just assume (since federal employees are soooo well-compensated) that every job costs about $150,000 in salary and bennies, so — let's see here — that's 400,000 jobs. Well, I guess the people — and their families — and the economy — are going to have to sacrifice, but if that's what it's gonna take to save some no-bid Halliburton contracts to deliver oil to Baghdad, the capital of an oil-producing nation, for $10 a gallon or whatever, then I'm sure they'll understand. Right up until the very next time some asshole Republican calls them lazy fucks for not getting off their ass and finding a job, of course.

ShaveTheWhales February 2, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Not that it makes McCain less of a pandering asshole, but that's 40,000 jobs.

SayItWithWookies February 2, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Au contraire: 60,000,000,000/150,000 = 400,000.

To be fair to McCain, his bill only offsets $127 billion in the cuts, so it doesn't wipe out as many jobs as a complete offset would.

ShaveTheWhales February 2, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Mon bad. That'll teach me not to use a ten-digit calculator.

Beanball February 3, 2012 at 1:33 am

A gallon of gas delivered to the field in Afghanistan costs $200.

Just sayin'.

Pithaughn February 2, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Sometimes I imagine a much younger Sen MCain as General Buck Turgidson. Boffing hotties left and right, lobbying the president to not let the Russkies get ahead in mine shafts reclaimed for bomb shelters. "Mine shaft gap" That sort of ridiculous posturing that has served us so well over the last 100 years.

Evil AynBot February 2, 2012 at 5:31 pm

and his merry band of warhawks

The old impotent argument in defense of Defense conveys, to me, more a feel of Dustin Hoffman's "Ratso" guiding the gullible and willing Joe Buck through screeching traffic with that tired limp yet assuming right-of-way: "Hey, I'm walkin'WARMONGERING here!"

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Shorter McCain: "I HAVE NOT FINISHED FEASTING ON THE BLOOD OF YOUR CHILDREN!!"
http://image.toutlecine.com/photos/d/r/a/dracula-

ifthethunderdontgetya February 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm

There's so much lying about these numbers it's hard to stand.

Let's just stick with this: even if these cuts go through (as they should) we'll still be paying far more for military toys than most everybody else.

American Exceptionalism in action: We're exceptionally stupid.
~

SheriffRoscoe February 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, bitches.

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

And instead of celebrating our wars in the mideast this morning Obama used his prayer breakfast address to call for assistance for the poor!

We'll never get to heaven if we don't kill all the non-Christians here on earth.

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I want to go to the heaven that old dogs go to. Not today, but eventually.

neiltheblaze February 2, 2012 at 5:38 pm

McCain is "all hot tears and snot" over something perpetually, isn't he?

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Really, even after 40 years PTSD is still easy to diagnose.

SayItWithWookies February 2, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Permanently Tendentious Spoiled (brat) Disorder?

trondant February 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm

GERITOL FOR THE GERITOL GOD!!

imissopus February 2, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Reneging on the debt ceiling deal? Why I never!

jus_wonderin February 2, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I hear ya. When they first proposed this "deal" I though, yeah, right.

imissopus February 2, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Predictable as the sunrise, this whining about it now.

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Nobody could have predicted that.

glamourdammerung February 2, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Someone in that "liberal media" needs to bring this up in fact that "honorable" John McCain is reneging on yet another deal. Just so that maybe the resulting gasket blowing rids us of this long national nightmare.

imissopus February 2, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Maybe David Gregory. Christ knows they see each other often enough.

SudsMcKenzie February 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm

In the spirit of Jeff Spikoli this Congress's greatest accomplishments will be remembered for doing nothing.

Bush tax cuts just expire
"Super" Committee failure will result in massive military cuts.

With a special shout-out to whatever Special fucktard decided to try to cram Keystone down the State Departments throat for a news cycle.

Keep up the Good Work, by doing nothing.

… and dont water plants with Brawndo

trondant February 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm

But it's got 'lectrolites 'n' shit.

Man0nTheStreet February 2, 2012 at 8:55 pm

But it's got what living vegetables in Congress crave!

trondant February 2, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Cash and male pages?

Designer_Rants February 2, 2012 at 10:17 pm

TICKLE FIGHT!

Goonemeritus February 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I plan to sell all my valuables so I can afford a state of the art security system for my soon to be empty house.

EloquentScience February 2, 2012 at 5:46 pm

“Everyone agrees that [defense] defenestration cannot take place."

Let's defenestrate Walnuts.

littlebigdaddy February 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Will this sacrifice involve pulling the beating hearts out of the chests of young people on the steps of a pyramid? If not, meh.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Well it's not like our young people have any jobs they could be doing these days.

Man0nTheStreet February 2, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Hey man, Cheney's gotta eat, too!

chascates February 2, 2012 at 5:48 pm

If only there were some cheap way to thwart those illiterate, sandal-clad Islamists who live in mud huts. Such as leaving their country so they can return to the ninth century.

MissTaken February 2, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Can't we just go back to not including war spending in the budgets? Problem solved!

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Do they teach you that trick in Creative Accounting 201?

MissTaken February 2, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Yes, it was the same class that taught "tax cuts for rich people help poor people" and "keeping interest rates low always leads to job growth".

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm

As we've just learned from Historian Newt, we were never allowed to implement tax cuts and low interest rates to test this theory!

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Except for the periods from 1981 to 1993, and especially from 2001 to 2009.

Guppy February 2, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Teabaggers being teabaggers, wouldn't they be happier if the DoD was eliminated entirely so that we could go back to relying on their beloved militias?

EloquentScience February 2, 2012 at 5:50 pm

"Department of Defense".

I don't know about you, but I prefer the old name: Department of War.

Certainly more apt these days.

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 6:52 pm

As an employee of the DoD, my suggestion was "Department of Aggression."

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Department of Blowin' Shit Up

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Department of Git-R-Done

Jerri February 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm

"We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem any problems around here."

Fixed that for you, Miss Lindsey.

Slim_Pickins February 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm

This country hasn't been the same since the GOP decided that the rich were overtaxed.

IceCreamEmpress February 2, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Zombie Eisenhower, America hath need of thee at this hour!

owhatever February 2, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Order the oldz admirals and generals to serve their country one last time; stop sucking on the welfare tit, shut up and die already.

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 5:56 pm

and his merry band of warhawks

We're men, men in tights.
We send drones around the world looking for fights.

Blueb4sunrise February 2, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Just in the newz the other day

AZ looks strong for drone test site
http://azstarnet.com/business/local/tucson-tech-a

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Part of the ongoing War on Wetbackism.

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 6:01 pm

McCain should invite the last surviving Tuskegee Airmen to his office, so they can beat his ass with their canes.

chascates February 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I've seen some interviewed on teevee and they wouldn't need any canes! Those guys still got it!

IceCreamEmpress February 2, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I want Oprah to make this happen.

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:52 pm

A good, ole Army vs. Navy "squirmish". I'd pay to see it.

chascates February 2, 2012 at 6:05 pm

McCain's old comrades are now in the defense industry peddling systems designed to fight major wars against China or Russia. They may use their gee-whiz technology to produce something usable in small unit operations against insurgents but their bread and butter is that big iron!

OneYieldRegular February 2, 2012 at 6:08 pm

How a guy who spend five and half years in a prisoner of war camp can even stomach the idea of anything related to war is totally beyond me.

Generation[redacted] February 2, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Revenge fantasy?

ShaveTheWhales February 2, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Assholes be assholes?

RadioFetusEater February 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm

This is just torture.

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 6:25 pm

If we just made him an Admiral like his Daddy and Granddaddy, would he shut the fuck up and retire?!

DerrickWildcat February 2, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Well how much does Army stuff cost at Walmart?

Sharkey February 2, 2012 at 7:24 pm

You meant Sam's Club.

imissopus February 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm

The Army should buy everything at the Army-Navy store. That's where I go when I need desert fatigues and a combat knife.

MinAgain February 2, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Is it time to dress up like Indians and dump some M-16s in a harbor somewhere?

rocktonsam February 2, 2012 at 6:45 pm

"We're not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here."

When did they ever use a millionaire tax to fix anything ever?

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 6:57 pm

What's a "millionaire tax"?

MissTaken February 2, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Or really, when did they ever use a millionaire to fix anything ever?

BarackMyWorld February 2, 2012 at 6:54 pm

…hunting for government jobs to axe from the budget as a sacrifice to the war gods…

Is this why Republicans want more funding for a trip to Mars?

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm

That photo at the top makes me nostalgic for my "Crossing the Line" ceremony in the Navy, wherein Slimy Pollywogs were initiated and thus became Trusty Shellbacks when crossing the equator.

Man0nTheStreet February 2, 2012 at 8:05 pm

How many turns "in the barrel" did it take back then?

BaldarTFlagass February 3, 2012 at 7:46 am

All of them.

ManchuCandidate February 2, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Let's see what can be cut…

1) SDI (except limited research programs)
2) Maybe the F-35
3) Getting the fuck out of the Big A.
4) Cancelling all outsourcing contracts
5) Gutting funding for Mercs
6) Closing part of the Pentagon
7) Shutting down1/2 the sooo secret Black Programs
8) Investing in unmanned aircraft
9) Retiring the B-one (which is the hanger queen's hangar queen.)
10) Cancelling the LCS program (Navy)
11) Retiring the USS John S. McCain
12) Shutting down the USAF and merging whatever units in the Navy/US Army and Marines
13) Closing up some more of them Forts.

Or they could just raise taxes on Mittens and the Kochs.

Sharkey February 2, 2012 at 7:19 pm

AHHHHH!
I just realized that's what they'll do with that money once they get it.

AHHHHHH!

Save me, manchu. How can this be prevented.

C_R_Eature February 2, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Where did you get my list?

IMHO we could slag all these programs tomorrow (especially that obsolete den of semi competent Jesus freakery – the Air Force) and still have the greatest military force in the history of the world and would be not one millimeter less safe.

Also, Drones don't hotdog themselves into the ground and fly armed nuclear weapons across the country by mistake.

gout February 2, 2012 at 7:32 pm

For every dollar you cut from the defense budget, god kills a kitten.

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Let's see, they want to cut 5% of the workforce through attrition, i.e. not filling slots vacated when someone retires or leaves the govt to work elsewhere (it happens, people). So, we continue spending money on these weapons systems and don't have enough people to support them and these systems become as useless as Iran's fleet of F-14 Tomcats. That's good thinking right there.

Guppy February 2, 2012 at 7:49 pm

"Everyone agrees that [defense] sequestration cannot take place."

And that's why the supercommittee was able to pull together and avoid such a reprehensible outcome! Oh, wait…

Looks like not everyone agrees on that, and that it can take place. kthxbai!

Man0nTheStreet February 2, 2012 at 8:02 pm

I hear Moloch would welcome a special blood-sacrifice of 1%'er ReThuglican trust-fund spawn, as a change of pace from the standard menu of minority/working-class 99%'ers the GOP usually offers him.

C_R_Eature February 2, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Hundreds of thousands of Defense Contractor Dollars buys an awful lot of hot Senatorial Tears & Snot, don't it, Johnny boy?

Millennial Malaise February 2, 2012 at 8:38 pm

“We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.)."

This statement would make sense if Congress had used a tax on millionaires to fix something, anything! Lindsey, why don't we uh, actually pass a bill that makes taxes on investment income equal to taxes on salaries? Or, this one is easy, you could just let the Bush tax cuts expire?

How about we try taxing the upper brackets for once in this damn recession, and see what happens. In the mean time, STFU you scheming warmongering, twat.

a_pink_poodle February 2, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Walnut, you fool! You appease Quetzalcoatl and you have to literally sacrifice those 5% of jobs!

ttommyunger February 2, 2012 at 9:19 pm

"Build the dang deficit!"

MilwaukeeKent February 2, 2012 at 9:29 pm

These Senators are absolutely correct. For one thing, the missile gap with the Ottoman Empire is the elephant in the room that no one is talking about. Plus the Hapsburgs are talking crazy again.

MadBrahms February 3, 2012 at 4:33 am

I heard from a reliable pizza CEO that China wants the bomb, too.

Designer_Rants February 2, 2012 at 10:15 pm

OH NOES! Our $1TRILLION ANNUAL WAR BUDGET is getting cut slightly! (how large is our annual deficit, again?) Our War Gods Halliburton and Northrup-Grumman are NOT going to be happy. Oh, how will they smite us?

dogscantlookup February 2, 2012 at 10:17 pm
BZ1 February 2, 2012 at 10:17 pm

There's a millionaire tax?? (maybe tax break…)

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Why even entertain the idea of the bill passing? This isn't going to make it out of the Senate. Hell, it may not even make it out of committee. Ole San Juan Maqain can go fuck himself with a gun turret.

MadBrahms February 3, 2012 at 4:26 am

Has Walnuts taken up moon-grammar? And how is the military not a domestic issue when the funds necessary to pay for it come from the public? Honestly, what the crap is going on in that sentence?

lulzmonger February 3, 2012 at 1:43 pm

IA! PENTAGON FHTAGN!

Extemporanus February 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Youu are muuch too kind.

Chet Kincaid February 2, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I'm glad you dumped Pedobear, he makes me queasy.

elviouslyqueer February 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Paging all of us, Lizzie.

Extemporanus February 2, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Hello, Chet. Good to see ya. Why don't you have a seat over there?

I've been meaning to permanently purge that furry perv, like, forever! I was never a big fan of looking like a 4chan mooch, but dude was good for a few hardy har-hars over the years, and the kids sure seemed to like him.

Praise be to Allahmighty Vicowhiskeydin for giving me the strength and inspiration to finally move the fuck on.

Free at last, etc., etc…

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm

The three of you – and old man McCain. Are you just trying to simultaneously turn us on and gross us out?

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Natch! It's what we do.

MissTaken February 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm

We need all three of us because Walnuts! can't raise his arm above his head so someone else has to get involved to keep Barb excited.

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I – I think I need to take a break…

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Ha!

MissTaken February 2, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Oh goodie, you're back. Please tell me more about why Palin's bus tour was really cancelled.

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I've always gotten a kick out of those "separated at birth" websites. Also, this Sunday, the NFL has already decreed that the fix is in for the Giants to win. One of my fellow Pats fans at work told me this today. Building 7!!!

SorosBot February 2, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Upfisted for hilarity! I wish you would keep your craziness around longer than you usually do.

Guppy February 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm

"Do you know (…)"

Do I care?

imissopus February 2, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Know what leaked out?

Gah! No more Santorum jokes!

Fukui_sanYesOta February 2, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Good gosh, that's some top-shelf nutjobbery. I especially like the lookalike section where internet marketing dipwads are actually FBI most wanted terrorists. We should get those fucks on the no-fly list stat.

Negropolis February 3, 2012 at 12:00 am

Aren't you just precious?

Limeylizzie February 2, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Glad you're on board.

Negropolis February 2, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Speak for yourself. lol

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