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John McCain Needs Stuff to Sacrifice to War Gods, to Save War Budget

Screengrab from John McCain's nightly dream sequence.

PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC! John McCain is all hot tears and snot right now over $600 billion in automatic cuts to defense spending triggered by the laughably predictable failure of the debt supercommittee last fall, so WALNUTS and his merry band of warhawks are stomping around the Senate hunting for government jobs to axe from the budget as a sacrifice to the war gods, in hopes of preventing the cuts from taking effect next year. Would five percent of the federal government workforce appease you, o Thor or Huitzilopocthli or Ares or Jesus or whoever wants to listen, COME ON HERE?

Yes, he offers to sacrifice five percent of all federal jobs, or just federal workers if the workers refuse to give up the jobs. The sacrifice of government jobs, obviously, is the only acceptable kind. Higher taxes on the wealthy will not sate the deities, cry the high priests of war:

“Let’s not let a domestic issue such as tax increases interfere with what could be devastating,” McCain said. “Everyone agrees that [defense] sequestration cannot take place. This is a proposal that we think has great validity.”

By “what could be devastating” Walnuts means three fewer $200 billion killing machines, and by “everyone,” he means himself and his adoring girlfriend, who oh look! also has an opinion about not raising taxes and leaving millionaires alone for heaven’s sake:

“We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “If the Democrats have a problem with the way we’re paying for this, surely to God in a budget this big we can find enough money to avoid decimating the Department of Defense.”

Barack Obama FOR NOW at least has told John McCain he will veto this bill if it passes, because it is ridiculous. [The Hill]

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    1. MittBorg

      At least *his* son's *serving.*

      But McCain is on 100% disability and draws a full pension as well as Social Security. And, despite a family income of $6-10 MILLION pa, and TEN homes, and a PERSONAL income in the region of half a million pa, he has yet to give up his government-paid health care. Shouldn't he be setting some sort of, you know, example?

  1. MrFizzy

    S/O – Washington Post reported two days ago that the VA has a backlog of 2 million disability claims from the two most recent optional wars this country has chosen to engage in. Rot in fucking hell McCain, Cheney, Bush, Wolfowitz, etc. etc. S/O

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Dear John McCain:

      When you say: "“Everyone agrees that [defense] sequestration cannot take place," I, for one, will respectfully disagree.

      And I may not be alone in this.


      A US Taxpayer whose taxes fund a military that is more expensive than all the other militaries in the world, combined.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      Jesus wept, if I had a dollar for every asshat who was SURE Iraq was going to pay for itself…

    2. MilwaukeeKent

      Oh? did you think they said "The Iraq War would pay for itself?" What they meant to say, on behalf of the military-industrial complex, was "The Iraq War will pay ourselves very well."

    3. C_R_Eature

      Of course it did! It paid – Handsomely – all the Defense Contractors and Resource companies that it was designed to!

      What? No, it didn't pay us back. Never supposed to. Did you not get the memo?

          1. Extemporanus

            Hello, Chet. Good to see ya. Why don't you have a seat over there?

            I've been meaning to permanently purge that furry perv, like, forever! I was never a big fan of looking like a 4chan mooch, but dude was good for a few hardy har-hars over the years, and the kids sure seemed to like him.

            Praise be to Allahmighty Vicowhiskeydin for giving me the strength and inspiration to finally move the fuck on.

            Free at last, etc., etc…

    1. widestanceshakedown

      And also to Barb: and I will hold up your porn to make it a little less awful for youse.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Not sure a million "ulitmate dog tease" videos and a billion cute kittens could work as an offset. And I have not kept up with my Adorable Puppy Credits.

          1. SorosBot

            The three of you – and old man McCain. Are you just trying to simultaneously turn us on and gross us out?

          2. MissTaken

            We need all three of us because Walnuts! can't raise his arm above his head so someone else has to get involved to keep Barb excited.

        1. SorosBot

          Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me, but there I was, in downtown Baghdad's Threewayfka Brothel, when…

  2. GuanoFaucet

    Hey McCain, how about you help to offset the defense cuts by paying the military back for all those fucking planes you crashed.

  3. JackObin

    I don't know, Johnny. Why not send Commander Palin to straighten it all out? After all, you told us years ago what a maverick she is.

  4. PuckStopsHere

    I'm sure a threat from Mr. Obama has them wetting their pants. Of course, in Walnut's case, it has nothing to do with him wetting his pants. He just does that as a matter of course now.

    1. yrbmegr

      Let's all buy stock in plastic sheeting! You know, for the Senate furniture. Or is that insider trading?

  5. Numbat_Dundee

    So Moloch must be fed but not with the wealth of the wealthy. It must be fed then with the non-existent wealth of the non-wealthy. Good luck with that. Tell us how it went.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hey John, I heard there is a dog pooping on one of your many lawns, why don't you do something worth while and take care of that?

  7. GunToting[Redacted]

    “We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.).

    Might is be possible to use a millionaire tax to fix a SINGLE FUCKING PROBLEM?

    1. SorosBot

      But then how is all the millionaires' money going to trickle down to the rest of us? I mean we've only given them 30 years, surely the rest of us will reap the benefits soon.

  8. SorosBot

    Yes, gods forbid we cut the military budget even one cent; otherwise we will be unable to defend the US from all the military threats we face, like… um…

  9. MaxNeanderthal

    Nice pic of Up Helly Aa. My sis lives in the next Island group over. A very astute choice for McCain's choice of wet dream, but I suspect as a Scotsman, he'd get a battle axe up the jacksie from the Shetlanders (they all consider themselves Norwegians..)

    1. savethispatient

      Good spot, I wasn't paying attention – I was born a Shetlander, although I live a very long way away now. I did have an itching to set things on fire on Tuesday though!

      Shetlanders feel more Scottish now than in the past (they actually support the Scottish football team these days, unlike when my mum was growing up), but they generally don't like people from "Doon Sooth" meddling with their affairs.

  10. jus_wonderin

    I can't be sure, but there is probably a base or a defense contract in their districts, right?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, there's one in just about every single congressional district in the nation. Wonder how/why that happened?

    1. widestanceshakedown

      Yeah, I hear they've been stockpiling pistachios for years and let me tell you, they can pack a punch when they hit a target.

    1. TeaNuts

      I hear we have to many Seaman, we need to eject more Seaman. Everyone stand with me to eject more Seaman.

  11. hagajim

    “Let’s not let a domestic issue such as tax increases interfere with what could be devastating,”

    Wait a minute, wasn't it McCain and his stupid fuck Rethug buddies who set up this B.S. because they couldn't face the possibility of the richies having to pay more? Fuck you Walnuts and fuck your war machine! I hope they have to cut $600 billion, then we'll only be spending 10 times what the next 15 nations combined do instead of 15 times….fuck off and die you old dick!

  12. Eve8Apples

    I recommend starting with the House of Representatives, their benefits, their personal budgets and their staff, their staff's benefits and budgets. After cleaning House so to speak, focus on the Senate. The nation doesn't need 100 multimillionaires on the government dole. Eliminate the Senate, their staff, their benefits and their budgets.

    Congress is a country club for lazy idiots who do not have the skills necessary to find a job in the private sector. Taxpayers are tired of supporting them.

  13. widestanceshakedown

    But, this was part of the agreement, no?

    I'm beginning to wonder if these guys can be trusted at all.

  14. DerrickWildcat

    I saw this movie War Horse, well I didn't see it, but I saw the commercial so I have a pretty good idea of what the movie was about. Anyway, The Americans had a super breed of Horses that could jump really high and really far and they beat Hitler. I'm pretty sure Horses are cheaper than Tanks and Jets. They might need special food and that might be expensive, but probably still cheaper than Tanks and Jets. We could save a lot of money that way. They could run really fast too.

    1. TeaNuts

      I saw this movie about talking Apes, maybe we could replace congress with them and just pay them in bananas.

      1. CapnFatback

        But if you don't raise their rate appropriately, the South Carolina apes will be tempted to accept bribes from Big Chiquita.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "They might need special food and that might be expensive, but probably still cheaper than Tanks and Jets."

      Considering that a lot of the mess we are in is due to the cost and availability of that "special food" for tanks and jets and SUVs and F-350s and Hummers etc, I think you are spot on.

      1. deelzebub

        As good as it would be for our carbon footprints to return to horse-based travel, it would be a personal tragedy for me. I'm horribly allergic to the beasts and I just paid off the loan on my Shelby today.

  15. chascates

    Isn't the defense budget almost triple what it was before Dubya barged onto the scene? Back before we turned 90% of the world against us for our imperialist adventures? Back when government employees did war stuff rather than farming it out to the tune of $150,000 per grunt on the ground.

  16. yrbmegr

    The Lindsay Paradox: Where can we cut an amount out of the federal budget that would decimate the Department of Defense without decimating any other part of the federal government? Now, that's a poser.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      And here I thought the "The Lindsay Paradox" was ; I make Mark Foley look like Charles Bronson and yet they still cant figure it out.

    1. chascates

      And according to CNN cannot land on aircraft carriers. And cannot be made to land on aircraft carriers.

    2. Rotundo_

      Or the aircraft carriers, guided missile destroyers, tanks etc. that can be taken out with relatively low cost missiles. If we actually went up against a country that had real armed forces, instead of leftover 70's relics from ourselves and Russia, we would find out just how vulnerable our stealth weaponry is to homemade ship to ship missiles and other weapons. There is a reason we are going with drones for recon and attack as much as we are-no prisoners of war and no nonsense. An air superiority fighter is neat, but drones will get the job done for a fraction of the cost.

  17. MRjonz

    No, you see, when Jesus said “But I say unto you, Love your enemies” he meant we should love them like we love Him; after they’re dead.

  18. BigDumbRedDog

    We're going to need to build a pyramid or something to sacrifice these jobs on. I'm thinking we disembowel the job and tell out fortunes in its guts and then cut out the jobs still beating heart and burn it. Also, don't forget to check the job for unborn fetuses. Them's good eatin!

  19. CapnFatback

    surely to God in a budget this big we can find enough money to avoid decimating the Department of Defense.”

    And what would be so wrong with that? After all, to decimate means, metaphorically, "to reduce by a tenth." And, in fact, this sequestration would do just that to the defense budget. So the question is does Graham know this and is trying to stir up anxiety in those who believe that "decimate" primarily means the same as "annihilate," or is he clueless to the original meaning of the word? Or, to put it in multiple choice form, is Graham:

    a) oily?
    b) ignorant?
    c) both?
    d) a human rag doll on Thursday nights for a trucker named Carl whom he met in a Denny's bathroom?

    Post your answers below, class.

    1. ifthethunderdontgetya

      It's not just metaphorically.

      "If ever these same things happen to occur among a large group of men… the officers reject the idea of bludgeoning or slaughtering all the men involved [as is the case with a small group or an individual]. Instead they find a solution for the situation which chooses by a lottery system sometimes five, sometimes eight, sometimes twenty of these men, always calculating the number in this group with reference to the whole unit of offenders so that this group forms one-tenth of all those guilty of cowardice. And these men who are chosen by lot are bludgeoned mercilessly in the manner described above.

      1. CapnFatback

        Well, to apply the smiting of ten percent to a budget would be the metaphorical turn to which I was referring, but if we're talking the original Latin (and who isn't these days?), then, yes, it's literally "reduce by a tenth."

  20. SayItWithWookies

    So McCain would rather slash federal jobs than cut $60 billion from the defense budget? How many jobs would that be, I wonder. Let's just assume (since federal employees are soooo well-compensated) that every job costs about $150,000 in salary and bennies, so — let's see here — that's 400,000 jobs. Well, I guess the people — and their families — and the economy — are going to have to sacrifice, but if that's what it's gonna take to save some no-bid Halliburton contracts to deliver oil to Baghdad, the capital of an oil-producing nation, for $10 a gallon or whatever, then I'm sure they'll understand. Right up until the very next time some asshole Republican calls them lazy fucks for not getting off their ass and finding a job, of course.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Au contraire: 60,000,000,000/150,000 = 400,000.

        To be fair to McCain, his bill only offsets $127 billion in the cuts, so it doesn't wipe out as many jobs as a complete offset would.

  21. Pithaughn

    Sometimes I imagine a much younger Sen MCain as General Buck Turgidson. Boffing hotties left and right, lobbying the president to not let the Russkies get ahead in mine shafts reclaimed for bomb shelters. "Mine shaft gap" That sort of ridiculous posturing that has served us so well over the last 100 years.

  22. Evil AynBot

    and his merry band of warhawks

    The old impotent argument in defense of Defense conveys, to me, more a feel of Dustin Hoffman's "Ratso" guiding the gullible and willing Joe Buck through screeching traffic with that tired limp yet assuming right-of-way: "Hey, I'm walkin'WARMONGERING here!"

  23. ifthethunderdontgetya

    There's so much lying about these numbers it's hard to stand.

    Let's just stick with this: even if these cuts go through (as they should) we'll still be paying far more for military toys than most everybody else.

    American Exceptionalism in action: We're exceptionally stupid.

  24. chascates

    And instead of celebrating our wars in the mideast this morning Obama used his prayer breakfast address to call for assistance for the poor!

    We'll never get to heaven if we don't kill all the non-Christians here on earth.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Someone in that "liberal media" needs to bring this up in fact that "honorable" John McCain is reneging on yet another deal. Just so that maybe the resulting gasket blowing rids us of this long national nightmare.

  25. SudsMcKenzie

    In the spirit of Jeff Spikoli this Congress's greatest accomplishments will be remembered for doing nothing.

    Bush tax cuts just expire
    "Super" Committee failure will result in massive military cuts.

    With a special shout-out to whatever Special fucktard decided to try to cram Keystone down the State Departments throat for a news cycle.

    Keep up the Good Work, by doing nothing.

    … and dont water plants with Brawndo

  26. Goonemeritus

    I plan to sell all my valuables so I can afford a state of the art security system for my soon to be empty house.

  27. littlebigdaddy

    Will this sacrifice involve pulling the beating hearts out of the chests of young people on the steps of a pyramid? If not, meh.

  28. chascates

    If only there were some cheap way to thwart those illiterate, sandal-clad Islamists who live in mud huts. Such as leaving their country so they can return to the ninth century.

      1. MissTaken

        Yes, it was the same class that taught "tax cuts for rich people help poor people" and "keeping interest rates low always leads to job growth".

        1. Generation[redacted]

          As we've just learned from Historian Newt, we were never allowed to implement tax cuts and low interest rates to test this theory!

    1. Guppy

      Teabaggers being teabaggers, wouldn't they be happier if the DoD was eliminated entirely so that we could go back to relying on their beloved militias?

  29. Jerri

    "We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem any problems around here."

    Fixed that for you, Miss Lindsey.

  30. owhatever

    Order the oldz admirals and generals to serve their country one last time; stop sucking on the welfare tit, shut up and die already.

  31. Generation[redacted]

    and his merry band of warhawks

    We're men, men in tights.
    We send drones around the world looking for fights.

  32. chascates

    McCain's old comrades are now in the defense industry peddling systems designed to fight major wars against China or Russia. They may use their gee-whiz technology to produce something usable in small unit operations against insurgents but their bread and butter is that big iron!

  33. OneYieldRegular

    How a guy who spend five and half years in a prisoner of war camp can even stomach the idea of anything related to war is totally beyond me.

  34. rocktonsam

    "We're not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here."

    When did they ever use a millionaire tax to fix anything ever?

  35. BarackMyWorld

    …hunting for government jobs to axe from the budget as a sacrifice to the war gods…

    Is this why Republicans want more funding for a trip to Mars?

  36. BaldarTFlagass

    That photo at the top makes me nostalgic for my "Crossing the Line" ceremony in the Navy, wherein Slimy Pollywogs were initiated and thus became Trusty Shellbacks when crossing the equator.

  37. ManchuCandidate

    Let's see what can be cut…

    1) SDI (except limited research programs)
    2) Maybe the F-35
    3) Getting the fuck out of the Big A.
    4) Cancelling all outsourcing contracts
    5) Gutting funding for Mercs
    6) Closing part of the Pentagon
    7) Shutting down1/2 the sooo secret Black Programs
    8) Investing in unmanned aircraft
    9) Retiring the B-one (which is the hanger queen's hangar queen.)
    10) Cancelling the LCS program (Navy)
    11) Retiring the USS John S. McCain
    12) Shutting down the USAF and merging whatever units in the Navy/US Army and Marines
    13) Closing up some more of them Forts.

    Or they could just raise taxes on Mittens and the Kochs.

    1. Sharkey

      I just realized that's what they'll do with that money once they get it.


      Save me, manchu. How can this be prevented.

    2. C_R_Eature

      Where did you get my list?

      IMHO we could slag all these programs tomorrow (especially that obsolete den of semi competent Jesus freakery – the Air Force) and still have the greatest military force in the history of the world and would be not one millimeter less safe.

      Also, Drones don't hotdog themselves into the ground and fly armed nuclear weapons across the country by mistake.

  38. BaldarTFlagass

    Let's see, they want to cut 5% of the workforce through attrition, i.e. not filling slots vacated when someone retires or leaves the govt to work elsewhere (it happens, people). So, we continue spending money on these weapons systems and don't have enough people to support them and these systems become as useless as Iran's fleet of F-14 Tomcats. That's good thinking right there.

  39. Guppy

    "Everyone agrees that [defense] sequestration cannot take place."

    And that's why the supercommittee was able to pull together and avoid such a reprehensible outcome! Oh, wait…

    Looks like not everyone agrees on that, and that it can take place. kthxbai!

  40. Man0nTheStreet

    I hear Moloch would welcome a special blood-sacrifice of 1%'er ReThuglican trust-fund spawn, as a change of pace from the standard menu of minority/working-class 99%'ers the GOP usually offers him.

  41. C_R_Eature

    Hundreds of thousands of Defense Contractor Dollars buys an awful lot of hot Senatorial Tears & Snot, don't it, Johnny boy?

  42. Millennial Malaise

    “We’re not going to use a millionaire tax to fix every problem around here,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.)."

    This statement would make sense if Congress had used a tax on millionaires to fix something, anything! Lindsey, why don't we uh, actually pass a bill that makes taxes on investment income equal to taxes on salaries? Or, this one is easy, you could just let the Bush tax cuts expire?

    How about we try taxing the upper brackets for once in this damn recession, and see what happens. In the mean time, STFU you scheming warmongering, twat.

  43. a_pink_poodle

    Walnut, you fool! You appease Quetzalcoatl and you have to literally sacrifice those 5% of jobs!

  44. MilwaukeeKent

    These Senators are absolutely correct. For one thing, the missile gap with the Ottoman Empire is the elephant in the room that no one is talking about. Plus the Hapsburgs are talking crazy again.

  45. Designer_Rants

    OH NOES! Our $1TRILLION ANNUAL WAR BUDGET is getting cut slightly! (how large is our annual deficit, again?) Our War Gods Halliburton and Northrup-Grumman are NOT going to be happy. Oh, how will they smite us?

  46. Negropolis

    Why even entertain the idea of the bill passing? This isn't going to make it out of the Senate. Hell, it may not even make it out of committee. Ole San Juan Maqain can go fuck himself with a gun turret.

  47. MadBrahms

    Has Walnuts taken up moon-grammar? And how is the military not a domestic issue when the funds necessary to pay for it come from the public? Honestly, what the crap is going on in that sentence?

  48. BaldarTFlagass

    I've always gotten a kick out of those "separated at birth" websites. Also, this Sunday, the NFL has already decreed that the fix is in for the Giants to win. One of my fellow Pats fans at work told me this today. Building 7!!!

  49. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Good gosh, that's some top-shelf nutjobbery. I especially like the lookalike section where internet marketing dipwads are actually FBI most wanted terrorists. We should get those fucks on the no-fly list stat.

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