Today’s Love Fest: Sharron Angle For Santorum, Trump For Romney

  not by the hair on newt's chinny chin chin

They bluster on.O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! Politico is delicately referring to her endorsement as a “shot in the arm” for the Santorum campaign. Which, HELLO FRIEND, that’s not how Earth works!!! You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere.

Since we are obligated to speak ill of the Newt so long as his DVD/merch tour continues, we were all ready to cover the rumors swirling around this morning, that Donald Trump was on the cusp of endorsing his fellow pustule Gingrich in Las Vegas. You cannot begin to imagine our excitement at the prospect of the three most famous heads of fleshy hair in all of America — Callista, Born As A Helmet; Newt With Face Of Rising Dough; and Donald Of The 3D-Printed Combover — together on one stage, and melting under the Nevada sun. But, oh bully for him, Trump had to ruin everything by picking Mittens instead:

Donald Trump endorsed GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in the lobby of the Las Vegas hotel that bears the Trump name.

[...]

Mr. Romney, having a good time, called the endorsement “a delight.” “There are some things that you just can’t imagine happening in your life. This is one of them,” he said.

True, it’s not too hard to believe Mittens never imagined getting propositioned like a down-on-her-luck hooker in the lobby of a Vegas hotel — and then saying, “Yes.” [Politico/WSJ]

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234 comments

  1. Barb

    Romney:
    “There are some things that you just can’t imagine happening in your life. This is one of them,” he said.

    Mitt-Wit, the other one would be your moving into the White House.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        He's waiting until after his presidential run, then he'll be sending buses down to his local Home Depot in order to pick up enough messicans.

          1. MittBorg

            Thanks for checking, sweetie. I've been OK, just trying to deal with damage to the rotator cuff (using a crutch and a cane will do that). Makes it painful to use te computer.

          2. Biff

            OK, I understand that mess. 3 years ago I had one of mine repaired, along with the bicep tendon. Took 2 1/2 years to get over it! Left arm/shoulder, too bad I'm left-handed.

    1. C_R_Eature

      One of the things that I can't imagine is having Gordon Gekko run for President of the United States, pick up the endorsement of Snidely Whiplash and some people thinking it's a good idea.
      All this not 5 years out from a cataclysmic worldwide economic collapse brought about by the very same policies that the aforementioned Gekko would happily pursue, should America be so unfortunate as to elect him.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Trump was all about firing both China and OPEC at one point. Even Mittens isn't stupid enough to suggest that. Santorum might be, but then he'd actually have to know what OPEC was.

        1. Fukui_sanYesOta

          and there was a crisis about oily peckers in the 70s. yeah, I can see his tiny mind recoiling in horror at the thought.

          1. Fukui_sanYesOta

            He'd squeal and cry and beg for it to end, but there's no way he'd say the safe word.

            The safe word is "norquist".

    2. Beowoof

      Romney, Trump is a half-wit, oft bankrupted reality tv sort of celebrity with no real business accumen. Romney on the other hand is that slick motherfucker that you just know is evil.

    3. chicken_thief

      My money is on Rmoney. Except for his stupid teevee show, The Combover usually let's the bankruptcy court handle those details.

  2. BklynIlluminati

    I am sure Trump not only endorsed Mittens but traded helmet hair secrets with him. The secret AQUANET

  3. memzilla

    "Money Endorses Money; Crazy Endorses Crazy."

    It couldn't work out any other way.

    The stars are in their proper alignment… for another four years of Sheriff Near (FSM willing).

    1. HarryButtle

      Maybe when he doesn't have reelection to worry about, he'll put on Sheriff Bart's big boy pants and hit some fuckin rednecks in the head with a shovel…NAH! But it was fun to imagine it, anyway.

      1. starfanglednut

        I think of rightwing "intelligence" as a kind of heat seeking, reptilian cunning, rather than a trait marked by curiosity, open mindedness, and self examination. Plus, he probably just bought his way in.

      2. SorosBot

        To get accepted at Harvard, it takes a modicum of intelligence, or a really rich and connected daddy; guess which path both Mittens and W took.

  4. CivicHoliday

    The combined quantity of hair spray required to maintain just their two car salesman up-dos will release enough CFCs to keep the ozone hole open permanently.

  5. OneYieldRegular

    "You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra."

    Oh, come on – did you people never watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?

    1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      ♪ ♫ ♬ Don't crap in your hand, crap in your poopy suit!
      You'll feel relief filling your briefs
      Filling your pants over France in your poopy suit!
      Flying high, in the poo, free to do Number 2
      poo-poopy-de dooo!!!!!
      ♪ ♫ ♬

      The Starfighters

    1. Nostrildamus

      Romney. Trump's hair is the brains of the outfit and it admires the way Mittens goes which ever way the wind blows.

  6. nounverb911

    Did Angle donate all of her medical chickens to santorum too? Oops, sorry that was Sue Lowdon. Same state different crazy.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! "

    Teleprompter libel!!!

  8. MissTaken

    Las Vegas hotel that bears the Trump name

    Notice the lack of the word CASINO when describing the Trump Hotel in Vegas? Yes, you definitely want the endorsement of a hairball that can't manage to open a fucking casino in Nevada. Well played, Mittens.

    1. Beowoof

      Ah yes, it was also a condo development, the Los Angles Times said this about it:

      "The much-ballyhooed project opened in 2008 during the economic meltdown, and today sits amid a collection of vacant lots and silent cranes. Some might call it a metaphor." The Trump Mystique is alive, he is doing for Vegas what he did for Atlantic City.

    1. chascates

      That casino magnates are so heavily invested in this contest proves what a crap shoot democracy really is.

  9. anniegetyerfun

    I'm struggling a bit here to figure out who I hate more: Newt or Donald. I guess I would find Newt to be the more intelligent of the two, given that Donald Trump has the cognitive abilities of wet cement, but does that mean that I hate Newt less than Donald?

    1. savethispatient

      You can't blame an idiot for being an idiot. Newt consciously says things to annoy you, for the very reason of annoying you, so you should hate him more.

        1. savethispatient

          I have more respect for Newt, despite the fact his point of view is usually terrible. Apart from moon-bases. Moon bases are awesome.

        2. Beowoof

          Oh yeah, the hair thing, an old TV commercial from New York City stations we used to get on cable plays in my mind whenever I see Donald, " The Bald Look, The Masterline Look" I think they're bankrupt so it also has that Trump relate.

    2. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      I think it's entirely consistent to hate both equally, even if it's for different reasons. Newt and Donald both have loathsomeness that goes to 11.

        1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

          Not at all–like a true American Exceptionalist, I demand the God-given right to hate as fully and freely as I want to. Maybe in Europe they make people choose from a limited number of hatred options, but not here!

          ♪ ♫ ♬ And I'm proud to hate an American…♪ ♫ ♬

    3. gingerland62

      I think of Trump as a rich Joe the Plumber and Newt as a less stupid Sarah Palin– if that helps.

  10. sharethegrief

    Many attributes were bestowed on Mitt by Trump but the most important one wasn't mentioned…..Mitt Romney is white.

    1. tealsheart

      YES, BUT Newt will do more for his blacks than Mittens will ever do for his blacks (if he had any)

  11. anniegetyerfun

    Is Mitt's description of a Trump endorsement as "delightful" sort of like when people from the South say "Oh, bless your heart"?

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I was trying to come up with a clever less-than-Octomom F-list celebrity reply, but I think you've gotten to the very bottom mold of the barrel.

        1. Negropolis

          Drita would totally endorse Newt, 'cause like Newt, she ain't afraid to cut a bitch.

          Me, though? I'm waiting for the vaunted Hillbilly Hand Fishin' endorsement.

  12. JackObin

    What is an asshole to do but endorse another asshole? But seriously Mitt, I think The Donald drinks alcohol. Doesn't that make him the devil?

    1. tealsheart

      its OK, once his hair kills him, we morans will convert him, like we did Jesus.

      When will this chit end?

  13. SorosBot

    How, exactly, is an endorsement from a total failure a "shot in the arm"? Although I want to thank Angle for turning a nearly sure GOP pickup in the Senate to a Democratic retention by a fairly large margin.

  14. Callyson

    rumors swirling around this morning, that Donald Trump was on the cusp of endorsing his fellow pustule Gingrich
    What, The Donald choosing the less wealthy candidate? Never!

  15. Bluestatelibel

    Well, Mittens and Donald both have a lot of experience in bankrupting companies, so there's that. They'll make a lovely couple.

  16. bumfug

    Gallup's new poll of everyone on earth reveals that not one fuck was given about who Sharron Angle or Donald Trump endorse.

  17. Guppy

    A shot surveying mark in the arm from Angle has to be an improvement over a shot in the ass from Santorum.

  18. Rotundo_

    Having "The Donald" on board sure cements that average middle class guy who is unemployed image of Mittens in my mind. Pity that Jim Backus is dead or they could have Thurston Howell endorse him too.

  19. Harry_S_Truman

    I'm pretty sure this will bring Romney exactly one more vote in New York, a state that is unreachable to Republicans.

  20. C_R_Eature

    I'd like to say that Chimpanzees pick better leaders and make more thoughtful intra-Community alliances, but the comparison would be a grave insult to the Chimpanzees.

    I'll bet, though that the surviving Chimps are breathing a sigh of relief, realizing that their ancestors really did choose the right Evolutionary Branch to climb.

  21. JackDempsey1

    The rotating diamond in the Blingee should really be reserved for a Newt-related post. Though I suppose it's quite difficult to animate a GIF file for a fleet of Brink's trucks.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Look at it this way, Romney bankrupt companies for his profit, and Trump bankrupt companies. They have so much in common!

  23. GeorgiaBurning

    Newt and Trump together on one stage would be too much weird, even for Las Vegas. Making nice with Mittens can be helpful when the Donald needs another "bankruptcy" bailout.

  24. SorosBot

    If we care about the endorsements of vapid reality TV hosts, then I want to know who Paula Abdul supports.

    1. Beowoof

      Really, Paula, I would argue Matt Lauer is more vapid. His update on Demi Moore this morning almost made me puke.

    2. Negropolis

      She endorses all of them, Katie. Really, she always calls everyone a winner, and she thinks you're Katie Couric, because she's so high on painkillers.

  25. Data Exactly

    Forget politics – let's get our belongings in order and stop the Chupacabra, which is 'unseen and yet everywhere'!

  26. mrblifil

    Wow, women were already cRAyZaY for Mitt. With the Trump endorsement they'll be throwing panties soaked in squirt juice, propelled over great distance with little more than the cunning use of kegel muscles.

  27. WhatTheHeck

    Ronnie RayGun’s endorsement has hit a snag this year. He’s holding out for someone to save the GOP and so far he’s disappointed. I have it on good authority he’s liking Obama more than those bozos.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Obama is far more like Reagan than any of these godawful fuckwits, it's just that the electorate is too fucking stupid to see that.

      edit: and that's not a good thing about Obama. I'd still vote for him though.

  28. chascates

    I predict that in eight years the GOP nominee will be decided via a reality show. Conducted not on an island but in the Ronald Reagan Library.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        They paint the candidates' names on the field, and wherever the electorate craps, that's the nominee.

  29. spends2much

    To help out undecided GOPers:
    Do you like conspiracy theories and Jesus (Fundamentalist Strength)? Sharron and Rick have the answers!
    Do you like hairspray and white men (one of whom pretends to be working class, but has hundreds of millions of dollars, the other pretends to be Midas, but they know his name down at Bankruptcy Court)? The Mittald, all the way.

  30. SilverTsunami

    A Sharon Angle endorsement is a shot in the arm — yes, like that shot of drain cleaner in the arm that Sara Conner threatened the smug shrink with in Terminator 2. Remember?

  31. ttommyunger

    These two endorsements carry at least as much weight as Sheriff Joe R. Piehole's or Albert Yawkey, for that matter.

  32. vtxmcrider

    Sharron Angle's endorsement of Santorum is a shot in the arm all right … like the kind Rick Perry gives in Texas.

  33. shrillharpy

    OT, but is anyone else annoyed that Romney-bot is now getting Secret Service protection. Courtesy of us.

    1. Negropolis

      Herman Cain was, too, before he dropped out. It's something that's been going on for some time, now.

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah; it started after Robert Kennedy's assassination. It does make sense in light of past events.

        1. shrillharpy

          Yeah, you're right. It does make sense. But it frosts my ass that the taxpayers have to foot the bill to protect these guys when not one of them has shown any compunction to protect anything but their bottom line. Or their egos.

    2. C_R_Eature

      I'm Pissed Off that Cheney's still got SS protection.

      I think he'd be far safer in the Hague. We wouldn't have to foot the bill, either.

    3. Jukesgrrl

      I'm pissed off that he's now trained to say "Democrat Party." Something he never did before and sometimes he still stumbles over the name, making sure he gets it "right." Seriously, I'd love to know which one of his donors demanded that.

  34. Negropolis

    Yep, this conceit is definitely a George Soros-sponsored piece of perfomance art. Angle and Trump on the same day? Yep.

    We're running out of sharks to jump.

    BTW, Angle's endorsement was a "shot in the arm"…with a shotgun, of course.

  35. DocChaos

    Trump was never going to endorse Gingrich – I don't think the bloated huckster really gives a shit who's President – he just wants to back the obvious nominee so he can take credit for putting him over. Not that anyone will really believe it, but they'll surely give him the airtime to proclaim it.

    If Mitt is obviously losing by October, look for Trump to start saying nice things about Obama again.

    1. shrillharpy

      Yeah, but didn't the Hairball and doughy smudge sack strike up a plan to teach poor kids how to be janitors? What's gonna happen to those children now? Why is no one thinking of the children?!?

  36. Chet Kincaid

    Mitt, you grinning, soulless phony, why didn't you have the guts to tell Trump to stuff his endorsement? Is this some kind of "Dancing With The Proles" for you, this campaign? Willl you be scooping up the coveted Drew Peterson endorsement tomorrow? Joseph H. Smith in a jumpsuit!!

  37. scarface99

    strap romney to the roof of his limo…and after a high speed ride on the freeway hose him down at a truck stop

  38. BZ1

    A commentator on CNN reminisced whimsically, "we used to joke about how surprising it was that he was a Mormon but acted like he'd sell his kids if he had the chance..".

  39. Chichikovovich

    She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox

    No doubt the sheets contained a few "Obama needs the teleprompter" jokes.

  40. neiltheblaze

    Newt must feel really jilted. Maybe there's still hope he'll get the much coveted Ted Nugent endorsement.

    1. tealsheart

      Yeah seems all the red'publicans, will vote for the one normally hated, in order to remove YKW from the WH. Don't be suprised when they fund a SparkingNewWhiteHouse.

  41. Nostrildamus

    Angle is one of the most stable politicians around. Combinatorically stable, that is, in that any permutation of her words sounds about the same.

  42. DustBowlBlues

    Shit–Democrats are aborting black babies? Well, hell. I'm white and so is my husband, the rat bastard who wasn't responsible for contraception because he refused to get his nuts operated on. Now that I'm too old to have another abortion, (and even if I were, it wouldn't matter because I had the old man neutered) I find it was supposed to a black baby. My bad.

  43. lulzmonger

    Romney has shrewdly copped a big slice of that vital "Aspiring Cretinous Lowlife" demographic away from Gingrich, right after making him eat Loser Pie in Flo'da. It's becoming more & more easy to see who's made campaigning for POTUS into a fucking full-time lifestyle-choice & who hasn't in this circus.

    Ahh, still, I think Newticles' endorsement from Randy Duke Cunningham trumps Trump pimping for Willard … at least until someone finally indicts the OTHER vile corpulent oleaginous oxygen-thieving noise-polluting epic fucking waste of protein.

  44. PhilippePetain

    "You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere."

    Kaia Mursi, please be mine this Valentine's day.

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