O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! Politico is delicately referring to her endorsement as a “shot in the arm” for the Santorum campaign. Which, HELLO FRIEND, that’s not how Earth works!!! You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere.
Since we are obligated to speak ill of the Newt so long as his DVD/merch tour continues, we were all ready to cover the rumors swirling around this morning, that Donald Trump was on the cusp of endorsing his fellow pustule Gingrich in Las Vegas. You cannot begin to imagine our excitement at the prospect of the three most famous heads of fleshy hair in all of America — Callista, Born As A Helmet; Newt With Face Of Rising Dough; and Donald Of The 3D-Printed Combover — together on one stage, and melting under the Nevada sun. But, oh bully for him, Trump had to ruin everything by picking Mittens instead:
Donald Trump endorsed GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney in the lobby of the Las Vegas hotel that bears the Trump name.
[...]
Mr. Romney, having a good time, called the endorsement “a delight.” “There are some things that you just can’t imagine happening in your life. This is one of them,” he said.
True, it’s not too hard to believe Mittens never imagined getting propositioned like a down-on-her-luck hooker in the lobby of a Vegas hotel — and then saying, “Yes.” [Politico/WSJ]
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Romney:
“There are some things that you just can’t imagine happening in your life. This is one of them,” he said.
Mitt-Wit, the other one would be your moving into the White House.
I'm not concerned about Mittens moving into the White House.
I wonder why Mitt doesn't just built replica of White House with his gajillions of money?
He's waiting until after his presidential run, then he'll be sending buses down to his local Home Depot in order to pick up enough messicans.
He's running for Awfuz, for Pete's sake!
You been sleeping all day, or whut? Hope you're OK…
One of the things that I can't imagine is having Gordon Gekko run for President of the United States, pick up the endorsement of Snidely Whiplash and some people thinking it's a good idea.
All this not 5 years out from a cataclysmic worldwide economic collapse brought about by the very same policies that the aforementioned Gekko would happily pursue, should America be so unfortunate as to elect him.
Mitt wouldn't need to move in in any case. He could just plug in to an exterior outlet.
Mitt-Wit? Oooh, I like that!
Who's fired more people; Trump or Romney?
All of them, Katie.
let's ask Gary Busey about that
If we're going with "corporations are people," my money is on Mittens, in a competitive race…
Trump was all about firing both China and OPEC at one point. Even Mittens isn't stupid enough to suggest that. Santorum might be, but then he'd actually have to know what OPEC was.
Santorum thinks it's part of a sentence. That ends with an "er."
and there was a crisis about oily peckers in the 70s. yeah, I can see his tiny mind recoiling in horror at the thought.
You have no idea how that man *longs* for an oily pecker. *Longs,* I tellsya.
Romney, Trump is a half-wit, oft bankrupted reality tv sort of celebrity with no real business accumen. Romney on the other hand is that slick motherfucker that you just know is evil.
But who enjoyed it more?
My money is on Rmoney. Except for his stupid teevee show, The Combover usually let's the bankruptcy court handle those details.
Oh, Trump, you so crazy!
Needs moar 2nd Amendment Solutions.
And surveyors marks too, also.
I really expected that endorsement to be more luxurious.
Hyoooge!
Not Bush-y enough?
Shit Romney didn't even get to eat pizza with a fork.
I am sure Trump not only endorsed Mittens but traded helmet hair secrets with him. The secret AQUANET
I was thinking shellac.
Outgoing-governor Walker recommends a Tonette.
"Money Endorses Money; Crazy Endorses Crazy."
It couldn't work out any other way.
The stars are in their proper alignment… for another four years of Sheriff Near (FSM willing).
Maybe when he doesn't have reelection to worry about, he'll put on Sheriff Bart's big boy pants and hit some fuckin rednecks in the head with a shovel…NAH! But it was fun to imagine it, anyway.
It's not like either of them are intelligent or wise. I'd be shocked if they picked wisely.
And yet, it takes a modicum of intelligence to get *accepted* to Hahvahd, as Mittens was. WTF happened to him, I wonder.
I think of rightwing "intelligence" as a kind of heat seeking, reptilian cunning, rather than a trait marked by curiosity, open mindedness, and self examination. Plus, he probably just bought his way in.
Sigh.
To get accepted at Harvard, it takes a modicum of intelligence, or a really rich and connected daddy; guess which path both Mittens and W took.
And sigh again.
Well, Trump has had more wives than Miles Park Romney.
Tied with Newt, though, right?
Oh, how I'd love to see him tied with Newt — TO A FUCKING ROCKET, and STRAIGHT TO THE MOON!
The combined quantity of hair spray required to maintain just their two car salesman up-dos will release enough CFCs to keep the ozone hole open permanently.
I think Trump is after Mitt's hair. It all makes sense now.
Hair today, gone tomorrow?
For God's sake, don't look at the portrait in Mitt's attic!
…LOL…
Is that the same as his quiet room?
"You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra."
Oh, come on – did you people never watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?
I did, and I would again, gladly.
Watching it right now!
"Trumpy, you can do magic things!"
"It's called evil, kid"
Gawd, you're on a roll tonight! I'm still laughing about "norquist."
That was a real MST3K quote!! I can't take credit.
Wut's this "you peepul" shit?
In the not too distant future?
♪ ♫ ♬ Don't crap in your hand, crap in your poopy suit!
You'll feel relief filling your briefs
Filling your pants over France in your poopy suit!
Flying high, in the poo, free to do Number 2
poo-poopy-de dooo!!!!! ♪ ♫ ♬
The Starfighters
… or see video "highlights" of last year's CPAC convention?
Who did Trump's hair endorse?
Alf
Landon?
Hilter?
I don't like the sound of these 'ere "boncentration bamps."
All of them, verby.
Hey you stole that from me on the Wonkwire item; no fair!
The Hair Club.
Thinking fondly of it's homeland, Trump's hair endorsed Trump's ass.
Romney. Trump's hair is the brains of the outfit and it admires the way Mittens goes which ever way the wind blows.
And when it doesn't…
Did Angle donate all of her medical chickens to santorum too? Oops, sorry that was Sue Lowdon. Same state different crazy.
It's amazing how ubiquitous it is down there, isn't it?
I think it's the (lack of) water.
Mass apoptosis of brain cells due to dehydration? Could be, could be.
Hey! I'm walkin' around down here too, ya know!
Lake Mead is, indeed, running pretty low these days, and so is Vegas.
"Sharron Angle" Jeez, Rick Santorum just can not catch a break, can he?
He's probably thinking about buttsecks too much to care.
She supports Santorum? That's one obtuse Angle, all right.
That is normal to reality.
Well with all those wrinkles it's certainly not acute Angle.
Not cute enough, anyway.
Sauron Angel cares not for your mockery, Hellbender!
Secant destroy!
"She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! "
Teleprompter libel!!!
Las Vegas hotel that bears the Trump name
Notice the lack of the word CASINO when describing the Trump Hotel in Vegas? Yes, you definitely want the endorsement of a hairball that can't manage to open a fucking casino in Nevada. Well played, Mittens.
Fail libel!
Mittens continues trying to fill an inside straight.
Ah yes, it was also a condo development, the Los Angles Times said this about it:
"The much-ballyhooed project opened in 2008 during the economic meltdown, and today sits amid a collection of vacant lots and silent cranes. Some might call it a metaphor." The Trump Mystique is alive, he is doing for Vegas what he did for Atlantic City.
Well, this makes perfect sense. One job killer endorsing another job killer.
PLUS: Vegas hair is always better! Donald didn't have a chance
I'll see your Adelson and raise you a Trump.
That casino magnates are so heavily invested in this contest proves what a crap shoot democracy really is.
This will go down well with the blacks.
I'm struggling a bit here to figure out who I hate more: Newt or Donald. I guess I would find Newt to be the more intelligent of the two, given that Donald Trump has the cognitive abilities of wet cement, but does that mean that I hate Newt less than Donald?
You can't blame an idiot for being an idiot. Newt consciously says things to annoy you, for the very reason of annoying you, so you should hate him more.
Newt's voice = also so terrible. Then again, better hair.
I have more respect for Newt, despite the fact his point of view is usually terrible. Apart from moon-bases. Moon bases are awesome.
Oh yeah, the hair thing, an old TV commercial from New York City stations we used to get on cable plays in my mind whenever I see Donald, " The Bald Look, The Masterline Look" I think they're bankrupt so it also has that Trump relate.
I think it's entirely consistent to hate both equally, even if it's for different reasons. Newt and Donald both have loathsomeness that goes to 11.
Such a liberal. "Yeah, you can hate them BOTH." Where's the competition, commie?
Not at all–like a true American Exceptionalist, I demand the God-given right to hate as fully and freely as I want to. Maybe in Europe they make people choose from a limited number of hatred options, but not here!
♪ ♫ ♬ And I'm proud to hate an American…♪ ♫ ♬
Well, Newt has more potential to actually affect my life, so I'm going with Newt.
I think of Trump as a rich Joe the Plumber and Newt as a less stupid Sarah Palin– if that helps.
Romney might as well seeking endorsement from Jerry Sandusky
Now I think Sandusky would endorse Santorum in return for the award Rick gave him for his work with children a few years back:
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/big_tent/13354…
Award? I didn't even know it was a competitive sport!
I didn't know there was an award for Santourm production. Wow, the things I learn on Wonkette.
Many attributes were bestowed on Mitt by Trump but the most important one wasn't mentioned…..Mitt Romney is white.
They all are, really.
Really, really white.
YES, BUT Newt will do more for his blacks than Mittens will ever do for his blacks (if he had any)
Mitt hires the browns to manicure his 20 lawns.
That blingee was clearly intended for a jewelry debt piglet post.
He's mad: lost the endorsement and his diamonds.
Isn't it more the hair on Newt's Chinny Chin Chin Chin Chin Chin Chin?
Didn't Tchrump quit being a republican last month? Or did I fever dream that…
It might have seemed like an illness, but it was reality.
Is Mitt's description of a Trump endorsement as "delightful" sort of like when people from the South say "Oh, bless your heart"?
Yes it is.
Or when someone from Pittsburgh says, "Isn't that inneresting."
Did Trump demand to see Romney's birf certificate before opening his pizza hole today?
Rich, white people are automatically automatically assumed to be legit American citizens.
Even when their dad's are Messicuns.
The F List endorsements will not be complete until the Octomom sides with Newt.
I was trying to come up with a clever less-than-Octomom F-list celebrity reply, but I think you've gotten to the very bottom mold of the barrel.
I'm waiting for the "Mob Wives" endorsements.
I won't vote until I hear from the Cajun Pawn Stars and that lovely "family" from Operation Repo.
Drita would totally endorse Newt, 'cause like Newt, she ain't afraid to cut a bitch.
Me, though? I'm waiting for the vaunted Hillbilly Hand Fishin' endorsement.
Well, this certainly is an Aqua-Net moment, isn't it?
I dunno, any mention of these idiots is more of a Maalox Moment.
What is an asshole to do but endorse another asshole? But seriously Mitt, I think The Donald drinks alcohol. Doesn't that make him the devil?
He wears the wrong kind of underwear, too. But PLEASE, I don't want to know what The Donald has on underneath that stuffed shirt.
its OK, once his hair kills him, we morans will convert him, like we did Jesus.
When will this chit end?
Looks like Newt will be playing no-Trump. And he has already been finessed in Virginia and Missouri, the crafty chubby weasel.
A Bridge Too Far
How, exactly, is an endorsement from a total failure a "shot in the arm"? Although I want to thank Angle for turning a nearly sure GOP pickup in the Senate to a Democratic retention by a fairly large margin.
It's a shot in the arm, from a howitzer.
rumors swirling around this morning, that Donald Trump was on the cusp of endorsing his fellow pustule Gingrich
What, The Donald choosing the less wealthy candidate? Never!
Donald endorsed Willard? Heck, that's good enough for me!
Well, Mittens and Donald both have a lot of experience in bankrupting companies, so there's that. They'll make a lovely couple.
Is there any truth to the rumor that Trump is a geriatric version of Milo Minderbinder?
Milo was charming and not an unpleasant looking fellow, so-no.
Oh yes, all aspects of Milo were quite charming. I know what you're getting at but…
Most con-men are. Republican operatives are the exceptions.
Gallup's new poll of everyone on earth reveals that not one fuck was given about who Sharron Angle or Donald Trump endorse.
Jennifer Rubin of the WaPoop was so angry this morning when she announced that Trump was endorsing Pig Newton.
Now that he's gone for her man Rmoney, she's singing a different tune.
~
who?
He might be her man, but she's going to have to get in line behind CNN'S Erin "Citicorp" Burnett.
"We have always been at war with Newtonia!"
A
shotsurveying mark in the arm from Angle has to be an improvement over a shot in the ass from Santorum.You may have a directionality issue there. Depending on the timing.
WIth Angle, it will be over quickly and followed up with a refreshing glass of lemonade.
Having "The Donald" on board sure cements that average middle class guy who is unemployed image of Mittens in my mind. Pity that Jim Backus is dead or they could have Thurston Howell endorse him too.
Or Mr. Magoo.
I'm pretty sure this will bring Romney exactly one more vote in New York, a state that is unreachable to Republicans.
Now there's a guy who is truly not concerned about the poor.
But he's always had a great relationship with the blahs, or so he said.
"What are 'the poor'? Surely, if there were any uptown I would know about it."
Well, this should solidify Romney's hold on Self-Absorb Conservative Millionaires.
I'd like to say that Chimpanzees pick better leaders and make more thoughtful intra-Community alliances, but the comparison would be a grave insult to the Chimpanzees.
I'll bet, though that the surviving Chimps are breathing a sigh of relief, realizing that their ancestors really did choose the right Evolutionary Branch to climb.
The rotating diamond in the Blingee should really be reserved for a Newt-related post. Though I suppose it's quite difficult to animate a GIF file for a fleet of Brink's trucks.
Look at it this way, Romney bankrupt companies for his profit, and Trump bankrupt companies. They have so much in common!
"A shot in the arm." Yeah, a syringe full of black tar heroin.
I was thinking penicillin.
Newt and Trump together on one stage would be too much weird, even for Las Vegas. Making nice with Mittens can be helpful when the Donald needs another "bankruptcy" bailout.
Meme captioning… I'm sure someone can do better than I did. But it has potential?
Not so much Whigs as a pack of vile, ranting Tory dogs.
I just checked "quckmeme" and someone DID re-caption. Fun!
If we care about the endorsements of vapid reality TV hosts, then I want to know who Paula Abdul supports.
Really, Paula, I would argue Matt Lauer is more vapid. His update on Demi Moore this morning almost made me puke.
She endorses all of them, Katie. Really, she always calls everyone a winner, and she thinks you're Katie Couric, because she's so high on painkillers.
Not qualified, she was fired this week.
Simon Cowell used his Donald voice, "You're Fired",
Forget politics – let's get our belongings in order and stop the Chupacabra, which is 'unseen and yet everywhere'!
why do people pay attention to these walking pussbags
Wow, women were already cRAyZaY for Mitt. With the Trump endorsement they'll be throwing panties soaked in squirt juice, propelled over great distance with little more than the cunning use of kegel muscles.
Are those the muscles one develops working as a lighting technician?
Depends on what you're lighting.
Yeah, but only when screwing
So what is Ron Paul, chopped liver?
Yes. Yes he is.
Pickled souse, I believe.
Ronnie RayGun’s endorsement has hit a snag this year. He’s holding out for someone to save the GOP and so far he’s disappointed. I have it on good authority he’s liking Obama more than those bozos.
Obama is far more like Reagan than any of these godawful fuckwits, it's just that the electorate is too fucking stupid to see that.
edit: and that's not a good thing about Obama. I'd still vote for him though.
ditto
I predict that in eight years the GOP nominee will be decided via a reality show. Conducted not on an island but in the Ronald Reagan Library.
The celebrity judges will be Beyonce, Grover Norquist and James O'Keefe.
In eight years Beyonce's baby will be at the same intellectual level as the average conservative, so let's go with Ivy Blue.
That woman is going NOWHERES near a bookStore, much less the RR Library.
Perfect judge for a GOP candidate then, amirite?
How is that different than the public defecation we have witnessed this Primary Season?
MOAR actual bleeding?
Even greater ratings? Snack food purchases at Super Bowl levels? Moderators from the MMA?
They paint the candidates' names on the field, and wherever the electorate craps, that's the nominee.
To help out undecided GOPers:
Do you like conspiracy theories and Jesus (Fundamentalist Strength)? Sharron and Rick have the answers!
Do you like hairspray and white men (one of whom pretends to be working class, but has hundreds of millions of dollars, the other pretends to be Midas, but they know his name down at Bankruptcy Court)? The Mittald, all the way.
A Sharon Angle endorsement is a shot in the arm — yes, like that shot of drain cleaner in the arm that Sara Conner threatened the smug shrink with in Terminator 2. Remember?
These two endorsements carry at least as much weight as Sheriff Joe R. Piehole's or Albert Yawkey, for that matter.
Sharron Angle's endorsement of Santorum is a shot in the arm all right … like the kind Rick Perry gives in Texas.
OT, but is anyone else annoyed that Romney-bot is now getting Secret Service protection. Courtesy of us.
Herman Cain was, too, before he dropped out. It's something that's been going on for some time, now.
Yeah; it started after Robert Kennedy's assassination. It does make sense in light of past events.
Yeah, you're right. It does make sense. But it frosts my ass that the taxpayers have to foot the bill to protect these guys when not one of them has shown any compunction to protect anything but their bottom line. Or their egos.
I'm Pissed Off that Cheney's still got SS protection.
I think he'd be far safer in the Hague. We wouldn't have to foot the bill, either.
You know who else got SS protection?
This is why I never abbreviate their name. lol
I see that you saw what I did there.
I'm pissed off that he's now trained to say "Democrat Party." Something he never did before and sometimes he still stumbles over the name, making sure he gets it "right." Seriously, I'd love to know which one of his donors demanded that.
Yep, this conceit is definitely a George Soros-sponsored piece of perfomance art. Angle and Trump on the same day? Yep.
We're running out of sharks to jump.
BTW, Angle's endorsement was a "shot in the arm"…with a shotgun, of course.
Shark jumping? Paddling amongst rays, I say.
Trump was never going to endorse Gingrich – I don't think the bloated huckster really gives a shit who's President – he just wants to back the obvious nominee so he can take credit for putting him over. Not that anyone will really believe it, but they'll surely give him the airtime to proclaim it.
If Mitt is obviously losing by October, look for Trump to start saying nice things about Obama again.
Yeah, but didn't the Hairball and doughy smudge sack strike up a plan to teach poor kids how to be janitors? What's gonna happen to those children now? Why is no one thinking of the children?!?
Trump is people too!
Really?
Sharon Angle's still alive?
Mitt, you grinning, soulless phony, why didn't you have the guts to tell Trump to stuff his endorsement? Is this some kind of "Dancing With The Proles" for you, this campaign? Willl you be scooping up the coveted Drew Peterson endorsement tomorrow? Joseph H. Smith in a jumpsuit!!
strap romney to the roof of his limo…and after a high speed ride on the freeway hose him down at a truck stop
A commentator on CNN reminisced whimsically, "we used to joke about how surprising it was that he was a Mormon but acted like he'd sell his kids if he had the chance..".
Comb over to the dark side.
I lol'd.
me too.
She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox
No doubt the sheets contained a few "Obama needs the teleprompter" jokes.
This endorsement clearly Trumps Kelly Clarkson's endorsement of Ron Paul.
Newt must feel really jilted. Maybe there's still hope he'll get the much coveted Ted Nugent endorsement.
Yeah seems all the red'publicans, will vote for the one normally hated, in order to remove YKW from the WH. Don't be suprised when they fund a SparkingNewWhiteHouse.
Angle is one of the most stable politicians around. Combinatorically stable, that is, in that any permutation of her words sounds about the same.
I thought Mormons were programmed to explode the second they set foot in Vegas?
Meet Mittens 4.0. He can now even accept a porno pamphlet without shorting out.
Wait, Sharron can read?
Your move, Palin.
(Oh God I'm so sorry I said that…)
Angle's endorsement will surely help Sant rum with the *Asian* vote.
Shit–Democrats are aborting black babies? Well, hell. I'm white and so is my husband, the rat bastard who wasn't responsible for contraception because he refused to get his nuts operated on. Now that I'm too old to have another abortion, (and even if I were, it wouldn't matter because I had the old man neutered) I find it was supposed to a black baby. My bad.
Chupacabra libel!
Sharron Angle endorsed Santorum because both hold the opinion that “Life Begins at Ejaculation.”
Romney has shrewdly copped a big slice of that vital "Aspiring Cretinous Lowlife" demographic away from Gingrich, right after making him eat Loser Pie in Flo'da. It's becoming more & more easy to see who's made campaigning for POTUS into a fucking full-time lifestyle-choice & who hasn't in this circus.
Ahh, still, I think Newticles' endorsement from Randy Duke Cunningham trumps Trump pimping for Willard … at least until someone finally indicts the OTHER vile corpulent oleaginous oxygen-thieving noise-polluting epic fucking waste of protein.
"You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere."
Kaia Mursi, please be mine this Valentine's day.
He'd squeal and cry and beg for it to end, but there's no way he'd say the safe word.
The safe word is "norquist".
Thanks for checking, sweetie. I've been OK, just trying to deal with damage to the rotator cuff (using a crutch and a cane will do that). Makes it painful to use te computer.
OK, I understand that mess. 3 years ago I had one of mine repaired, along with the bicep tendon. Took 2 1/2 years to get over it! Left arm/shoulder, too bad I'm left-handed.
Oh, gee, that sounds like fun. Hopefully this fecking thing will respond to exercise and heat/cold. Thanks, sweetie. (Hugs the Biff)
Just get well soon, you snarky fuck.
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