everybody hurts

Santorum Correctly Warns GOP They ‘Can Do Better’ Than Mitt Romney

They need you now, Dick, more than ever.Well, Florida happened and HURRAH! We may never again have to hear the phrase “Space Coast,” or watch another remote feed from living crematorium and unmanaged-anger community The Villages. Romney managed to not be too deeply loathed by 46 percent of Republican voters while Newt received a non-hatred rating of 32 percent, and vowed to campaign today, campaign tomorrow, campaign forever. So, yes, we will have our little jewelry piglet to kick around a little longer! At least while unhinged millionaires continue to bankroll his little insanity project. Ron Paul was there, -ish, and lost, which is winning in re: the Floridian Republican primary in 2012. Rick Santorum also lost, although slightly less mightily, and accidentally dropped some truth to the frightened drifters hired to fill out the audience for his fourth ‘contrast-filled’ concession speech.

This particular address was notable only for acknowledging the open secret that everyone pretty much can’t stand the Republican candidates:

[It’s] great to be back here on the campaign trail, talking about the important issues of the day. And if that’s — if there’s one message that I think we got from the campaign in Florida is that Republica ns can do better. We can do better than this. We can do better than the — the discussion and the — and the dialogue and the — and the accusations that were going on in the state of Florida. And — and, really, this campaign, you know, went downhill.

Given that 300,000 fewer Republican voters showed up this year compared to 2008 (opting instead to stay home and search for feral cats that might have gotten buried in their hoard), it’s sort of comforting to have one of these dudes finally admit just how repugnant they all are. Even more so since new polls continue to confirm this, every hour, on the 2s, 5s, and 7s. It won’t change how horrid everyone finds these fart hoses but still! [Fox News/NYT]

Comments

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    This story just keeps getting better and better!!!

    • chicken_thief

      And with some caucuses coming up we can look forward to the Paul/Santorum surges!!!

    • Loaded_Pants

      As Newt continues to stay in the race, the story keeps getting butter and butter.

  • YasserArraFeck

    300,000 less Republican voters = the upside of the stray python problem

    • hagajim

      I wonder of those 300K fewer voters were all some of the very poor that Mittens isn't worrying about, or if they just fled the shithole that is Florida once the economy hit the spin cycle.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Are you kidding? Do you think a python is capable of swallowing something the size of the typical Florida Republican voter?

      • YasserArraFeck

        Hoverround an' everything, my friend……

  • Barb

    I'm no Proctologist, but I know a group of assholes when I see them.

    • freakishlywrong

      Plural: "Republici asswipei"

    • WhatTheHeck

      Once again Barb, you’ve put your finger on the fading pulse of the GOP.

      • veritass

        *in

  • edgydrifter

    Santorum seeks its own level.

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's a slippery slope.

  • http://justspitballing.blogspot.com/ smashaduck

    The ginger tried to disable the comments didn't he? I knew it.

  • nounverb911

    And don’t forget that Allen West announced he’s changing districts, so this is good news for my parents.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Off-the-Mark (and, apparently, Off-His-Rocker) Levin threatened to "hunt down" the Florida legislators who re-drew Allen West's rotten borough. So the Florida three-step ensued – an elaborate shift of people running in new districts.

      I'm old enough to remember when people ran from the district in which they lived. This multiple shift is remarkably cynical – even for the GNoPee.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Well, West lived in Debbie Wasserman-Schultz's district when he ran for Congress the first time, so it isn't like moving districts matters to him. The 2010 House races included a number of a cases where the person elected was a flaming pile of dog crap (West, Joe Walsh, etc.) but since the race had almost no focus on them as opposed to anger at the uppity folks in the WH, it didn't matter. Can't really expect people like that to stick around if their district starts to look tough.

        • Tundra Grifter

          B2:

          Very well written! For some reason this reminds me of the old Temptations song "Poppa Was A Rolling Stone."

          A "Representitive" who doesn't represent…

        • Callyson

          Is *that* why he has it in for her? I was wondering WTF his problem was: his "she's not a lady" rant was over the top, even for him…

      • Gainsbourg69

        Allen West doesn't even live in the district he currently represents.

        • Tundra Grifter

          There is just something very, very wrong with that…

          • GOPCrusher

            IOKIYAR

  • Baconzgood

    "We suck *shrugs shoulders* but watcha gonna do GOP? Vote for a (insert racist slur)?"

    -Rick Frothy-

  • VinnyThePooh

    I think The Villages should be renamed Irate, labeled a terrorist state, and peppered with Mk82s.

    • YasserArraFeck

      It takes The Villages to raise up an asshole

    • chicken_thief

      They'll never hear them coming now that Mittens screech shattered their eardrums with his serenade.

    • freakishlywrong

      It's weird, when you drive by it on the highway, you can literally feel the temperature drop and feel the seething rage of thousands of olds, furious that they are on Medicare and Social Security. And you can hear the ladder being pulled up.

      • Loaded_Pants

        I was largely ignorant about this whole "The Villages" place. But having looked at their site, I have concluded that this is where they make the Stepford Seniors. Is that right?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Not quite up to the level of Churchill's "We Shall Fight Them on the Beaches" speech, but that one was kind of historically important, as HistoriNewt will tell you.

    • http://justspitballing.blogspot.com/ smashaduck

      Smart move really. No one wants sand in their santorum.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    Please drop out, you frothy asshole.

    • chicken_thief

      I like the way Sant rum pounds both Mitt and Newt, yet calls for civil discourse when they get in their bitchy little hair pulling and eye scratching fests.

    • GOPCrusher

      Oh no. I think Santorum staying in just raises the rage level of the Evangelical community that supports him. If he suffers a crushing defeat at the hands of the Satan Worshipper, Rmoney, maybe the Taliban will do America a favor this November and stay home from the polling places.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    CAPS LOCK 2012!!!!!

  • MissTaken

    And — and, really, this campaign, you know, went downhill.

    Well, they do say shit rolls downhill. And if there is anything Santorum knows about, it is shit.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Downhill my ass, this campaign's goin' six feet under.

  • Goonemeritus

    They may be able to do better but you have to say Mitt beat Newt like he was killing a snake with a snow shovel.

    • GOPCrusher

      Had to like the way Bill Press pointed out that Rmoney giving his victory speech before Gingrich could give a concession speech, was a giant Fuck You to the serial adulterer.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    Rick Santorum is the monosodium glutamate of politics; he brings out the evil essence of the GOP and magnifies it.

    • Pithaughn

      Chinese Santorum, one is hungry for more in as little as 1/2 hour.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      But he comes with a free Frogurt!

      • Swampgas_Man

        The Frogurt comes w/ potassium-49 sprinkles, which also cause cancer.

        That's bad, right?

    • Loaded_Pants

      He's a flavor enhancer, for sure.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Or as Carlos Zambrano said of the Cubs mid-season, "We stinks!"

    • nounverb911

      Opening week for the Mets.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Wow! I get that feeling when pitchers and catchers report! You're patient!

        • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

          Some pitchers and catchers are already reporting. See headline above.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Nicely played!

            *polite golf clap*

            Martini?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Well, if they do go with Cheney, we'll never have to worry about his VP being only "a heartbeat away from the presidency,"

    • YasserArraFeck

      "only a mechanical hum away from the presidency"

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Keep on rootin'
    For Pig Newton

    Face it, folks. The gooper establishment wants to shut down the circus now, because of all the 'inconvenient truths' that keep dribbling out of the mouths of the cretin clown show.

    We're all better off if it continues, in other words.
    ~

  • LabRodent

    As long as Obamas not caught naked killing a chinese male hooker in a crack house in New Orleans this election should be a cake walk.

    • iburl

      Your comment just caused a Fox News Alert and a Drudge Siren.

    • nounverb911

      Vitter, is that you?

    • lefty74

      I think he'd still win unless the chinese male hooker in the crack house was found to be under aged.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Unless Bin Laden comes back as an unstoppable zombie (thus proving Dubya's wisdom in not killing him), he'd still win.

        • bagofmice

          Nah, he'd just be grinning during a major speech while a SEAL team killed him again. It's pirate rescue, bin Laden, pirate rescue with this guy. I guess it's bin Laden's turn.

    • An_Outhouse

      No evil is too mundane for the crime fighting President to put an end to.

    • Sassomatic

      Don't you worry. Our Chinese male brothel/crackhouses are very discreet. Speaking of, how did you know about "cake walks," as we call them.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      I'm going to vote for him despite signing that horrible indefinite detention bill, failing to repeal the Bush tax cuts, giving away all our money to Wall Street multi-gazillionaires, and not pushing for single-payer health care. Do you think I'm going to be bothered by the piffling little murder of an underaged Chinese male hooker in a New Orleans crackhouse?

    • Negropolis

      It's funny. I said to myself, yesterday, that Barack could be caught cheating on Michelle with a white woman, and still win if the GOP keeps on the route it's taking.

  • nounverb911

    "Santorum Correctly Warns GOP They ‘Can Do Better’ Than Mitt Romney"
    He's a little Irish lad named Barry O'Bama.

    • BarryOPotter

      Yeah, they can, but they won't. 'Tis jus negh innum…

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Santorum's 'better for Republicans' means worse for everyone else.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    No matter how hard they scrub, the GOPers can't wash the santorum off.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Out, damned spot! out, I say! One; two: why, then, ’tis time to do ’t. Hell is frothy! Fie, my lord, fie! a politician, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much PAC money in him?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Which makes you wonder what sort lube are they using that's not water soluble?

  • SorosBot

    I think 300,000 Republican voters in Florida from 2008 is just the natural result of the aging process.

    • Barb

      Maybe they just stayed home to read their bibles and cram for their finals.

      • YasserArraFeck

        There was an NCIS marathon they they just couldn't miss?

        • SorosBot

          There were Matlock reruns on.

      • An_Outhouse

        and clean their guns

      • bagofmice

        I never understood the need to go to bible study for years. It's just a ~thousand or so page bibliography. 800 or so sans begats. Seriously, Harry Potter and Twilight fans can get through a series of books faster than you guys, and that's before they even hit puberty!

    • Gainsbourg69

      It's not that. When three hundred thousand olds die another three hundred thousand are on the on deck to come down from up norf. The reason why there was such a huge drop, and republicans seem to be oblivious about this fact, is because the white firefighters and cops who usually turn out for the GOP for "moral" reasons no likey when you fuck with their bargaining rights.

    • Slim_Pickins

      I'd say it was because of the new voter ID requirements, but then if you say you are republican, you don't need to show an ID, do you?

  • bureaucrap

    "Our party can either courageously and honestly address the hardships endured by so many of our fellow citizens, or we can talk trash about each other until all of us look like some sort of slimy pond scum. I think you all know which one we must choose."

    • Pragmatist2

      I know! I know! "B" – "Talk trash about each other." Right?

    • Generation[redacted]

      I'm not concerned about the poor. We have trash talk for that, and if the trash talk is insufficient, I'll fix it.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Ask yourselves: which is more FUN?

  • chicken_thief

    "Even more so since new polls continue to confirm this, every hour, on the 2s, 5s, and 7s. It won’t change how horrid everyone finds these fart hoses but still!"

    Hmpt. And the field looked so strong in the beginning….

  • HempDogbane

    Repugnant Dick Cheney is redundant.

    • Nostrildamus

      Nah, it was a childhood nickname.

  • chascates

    'It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times'.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So, yes, we will have our little jewelry piglet to kick around a little longer! At least while unhinged millionaires continue to bankroll his little insanity project

    I think I see Bravo's next reality show, after Real Housewives Of Ozark, Arkansas.

  • Pragmatist2

    He's right! And when you look at Santorum you realize they could also do worse than Romney!

  • elviouslyqueer

    This could so be better settled if we just locked these motherfuckers together in a room, blindfolded them, and gave them all a machete.

    • ElPinche

      Yeah, just give it a week. Once it's filled to the top with chunky bloody conservatard chum, we can use it to fertilize our crops, and revitalize our agriculture industry.

      • vtxmcrider

        You're assuming there is any good ever to be gotten from Republicans.

    • Swampgas_Man

      They'd still somehow wind up cutting taxes for the rich.

    • Catabite

      And we could sell tickets! We could repay half the US deficit in a few days!

  • freakishlywrong

    Santorum Correctly Warns GOP They ‘Can Do Better’ Than Mitt Romney
    No shit, Sherlock. Now, take this mirror..

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Meanwhile, the Catholic Church is kicking Girl Scouts of of their churches and telling parents not to buy their cookies. And Mitt says "I'm not concerned about the very poor; they can eat their young. I read about that book, "A Modest Proposal," and I really agree."

    • MoeDeLawn

      …and the American Taliban has yanked Susan Komen away from helping planned parenthood. I think I'll just eat myself.

  • chascates

    All of this could be settled if Nancy Reagan would just pull a name out of Ronnie's Sorting Hat.

    • vtxmcrider

      Is Ronnie's astrologer still alive?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    That's how you get rid of boyfriends and girlfriends.
    Baby, you can do better than me.

  • Tundra Grifter

    300,000 fewer voters?

    Republican'ts.

  • Lucidamente1

    Rick Santorum = I crank tumors

  • prommie

    Lord protect us from the terror of the Mormon.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    So whose Almighty Christ-ness, Yahweh or Roman Catholo-pathological deity lost? I assume each of these Christianese-dogwhistlers got their Prayer Breakfasts on in good wingtard-approved fashion. Isn't it time for someone's Muckety-muck up in the clouds to get the memo: "You're fired!"?

  • chicken_thief

    "…the frightened drifters hired to fill out the audience!"

    Sant rum is a jerb creator!

  • WhatTheHeck

    300,000 votes less does not mean defeat. Newt should take this to the Supreme Court. Those old farts will fix that real quick.

  • elviouslyqueer

    From Creamcup's "Miss Congeniality" speech:

    And we’re not — we’re not going to do that by mudslinging. We’re going to do it by talking about the issues that people at their kitchen tables are talking about. They’re talking about their homes that are being foreclosed on. They’re talking about jobs that are not available or the promotions that are not available or the — or the opportunities to be able to start a business without the government breathing down their neck.

    Fine, Rick. Then may I suggest that you SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP about gay abortion, gay marriage, gay sex, gay blah people having some ingrained entitlement mentality, and all the other non-important gay social shit that seems to have gotten permanently shoved up your sphincter?

    • ElPinche

      I can wait for Rick the Dick's inevitable concession speech. Bring on another dollgate.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    I just spent a week extricating my mother from the Florida hell-hole known as "The Villages."
    If you want to go somewhere with bullies, mean-girls, out-of-control golf carts, and entitled assholes with unresolved anger management issues, go to The Villages.
    Mean spirited? Hate the government, even though you depend on Medicare? Want to watch Fox News while you wait an hour for the doctor? (I went to the car after 5 minutes of that crap. But not soon enough to unhear that Solyndra is Obama's Enron.)
    AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

  • chicken_thief

    The only time I could see Mitt using a shovel is if he needed to load up some money to cart off to the Caymans.

  • __kth__

    "The New Dick!": it's short, it's sweet, and everyone likes it!

  • ElPinche

    300K less voters! Bwahahaha, also thank our comrades in basic cable.

    "I AINT GONNA VOTE THIS YAR. BESIDES, "SONS OF GUNS" AND "ONLY IN AMURKA WILL LARRY THE CABBLE GUY" IS ON TONIGHT. *BRRRP*"

  • DaRooster

    "We can do better than the — the discussion and the — and the dialogue and the — and the accusations that were going on in the state of Florida. And — and, really, this campaign, you know, went downhill."

    I see you are not big on — discussion — and, and — and the dialogue — and, and — the stuff — and… (also, too)

  • pinkocommi

    No, Santorum. The Republican Party can't do better. Your Presidential candidates are perfect exemplars of exactly what is wrong with you, you morally repugnant asswipes.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Maybe if they stopped talking? Altogether? That would be better.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, to be fair, we are talking about the same people that after having their asses handed to them in 2006 and 2008, decided that the problem was that they weren't far enough Right.

  • sarah_connor

    Sounds like a drunk Chris Walken gave that address. Which would be a helluva lot better.

  • prommie

    Voter turnout down 15%? Thats encouraging, but my proposal will make it go down even lower. Join my movement advocating for mandatory digital rectal exams and full body ultrasounds before anyone is allowed to vote republican in any local, state, or federal election.

    • GOPCrusher

      Have to admit, that would certainly cut down the possibility of voter fraud.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I think that the thing that makes these comments so awesome is that, in fact, Republicans CAN'T do better. This is the best they can do. It makes me so happy.

  • Eve8Apples

    "We can do better than the — the discussion and the — and the dialogue and the — and the accusations that were going on in the state of Florida. And — and, really, this campaign, you know, went downhill."

    When there is a couple of fat, filthy, rich, pompous elephants rolling downhill, my advice is to get out of their way and let them roll.

  • MadBrahms

    "We can do better"

    Is Santorum breaking up with us? Lay off the Deathcab, Rick.

  • Guppy

    "this campaign, you know, went downhill."

    It didn't go downhill, you started at the bottom of the valley and started digging. The only real question left is whether or not the GOP will start dynamiting their way through the bedrock before the convention.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The Repubs can do better, yeah, when did that ever happen?

  • owhatever

    Florida, the land where cockroaches eat your toes at night, has spoken. Now anyone for a couple of games of canasta or a singalong? Mildred ran over the postman again?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Of course Ricky's right about that. His problem's not such about his brain, but rather his shriveled, twisted, woman-hating, gay-bashing heart.

  • Antispandex

    It's like Dad used to say, "Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while".

  • DahBoner

    The Tide of Santorum is Going Out!

    Bleach sales skyrocket…

  • ttommyunger

    Project much, Ricky?

  • MinAgain

    Sure, the Republicans could do better, but it would require a necromancer, a magic circle, and a live chicken.

  • Negropolis

    Hey, Rick? The Republicans really can't do better, at the moment. They don't want to do better. The narrowing of the party's ideology simply won't allow for it. Your party has become so exclusive, so narrow, so bitter, so resentful, so cruel, so gready, so uncaring, so…so…spiteful that what you guys are offering is actually all that you have. That's it.

    Through decades of hellish purification by fire, and unnecessary and rhetorically violent purges, you've hammered your party down into a nasty, bitter little pill that is becoming increasingly hard to swallow. For your party to do better, it'd have to actually have to stop persecuting and loathing the vast majority of the American population; it'd actually have to stop being misanthropic; you guys might actually have to start liking human beings for who and what they are, and you guys are SO NOT READY TO DO THAT.

    For people who don't want to join humanity, it really doesn't get better. Sorry.