“Florida is a microcosm of America,” we just heard one of the Romney and/or Gingrich spin-whores say on the MSNBC just now. Yes, because Florida is a limp dick dangling over a sex-slave resort in the Dominican Republic or whatever. Also, America is truly a symbol of America. Just look at the map, and look at it in profile. What you’ll see is a morbidly obese man with a pinhead and a dangling, useless dongle, with a massive ass to the west and a couple of unloved children from his first or second marriage literally “out to sea.” Anyway, how badly will Mittens beat the jewelry piglet tonight? Or will there be a surprise?
7:45 PM — Polls are closed in the “fancy part” of Florida, with the Jews and the Blacks and the Cubanos and the gay CIA retirees, while polls remain open for another fifteen minutes in the “Dukes of Hazard” part of Florida, with the angry 60-year-old thrice-divorced small-time property speculators fuming in their single-wides tonight. Which part of the state is “more American,” anyway?
7:48 PM — The important thing, for comedy reasons, is that Newt WILL NOT DROP OUT, not for many more weeks or possibly even many months. This is *crucial* for the nation’s comedy industry.
7:50 PM — Speaking of the comedy industry, we don’t know who all might be showing up to liveblog tonight’s mini-festival of graft and No Shame. So, perhaps the various contributors will introduce themselves when they take the Relay Dildo of Freedom? Probably not. Probably it will remain mysterious.
7:55 PM — But with the half of the state that has already finished, Romney is apparently leading with 48%. The Newt waddles behind with 31%, Internet joke Rick Santorum has 13%, and all the laser-printed Ron Paul flyers in Florida can’t keep the old newsletter confederate from topping 7%.
8:01 PM — And now it’s “official,” Mittens Moneybags “Willard” Romney won Florida, yayyyy!
8:41 PM — Uhh, and that was all of the news, wasn’t it? We will look for some funny video clips?
8:55 PM — Haha, why is Mormon Frenchman Mitt Romney forcing Holocaust survivors to eat this actual Arab pig meat for Passover? Vote Newt Gingrich to stop the outrage.
9:40 PM — Newt Gingrich refuses to prank call Mitt Romney to congratulate the liberal atheist on his big victory!
9:48 PM — But what did the “web pundits” say about Newt’s frothing speech?
{ 750 comments }
Gingrinch buried in a landslide?
Could have been worse. He could have drowned in santorum.
He'll just oink his way outta the hole.
One can only hope.
You could call it a sea change, but that would be disrespectful to the Japanese.
Wow, that was really, really good.
Actually, he has an incredible idea to prevent landslides! It involves helium 3, liquid boron, and household pets. If elected landslides will no longer threaten us.
Awesome!
It would have to be a very big landslide.
There's not that much dirt.
There's a lot…
Maybe on the moon…or is that cheese?
In honor of his probable win in Florida, Willard has strapped a live alligator to the roof of his Romneybus.
A caiman offshore alligator, also.
It would probably be easier to find a python in FL, but probably harder to strap down. http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn21407-pytho...
More like a manatee
Romney strapped Newt to the roof of his bus?
That would be awesome! Also.
Not to mention well-deserved. Too.
Joshua Micah Marshall said so, like, last week, dood.
I'd rather strap Mitt to the top of a live alligator.
So Los Angeles is Newt's asshole? Sounds about right, according to him.
drunken banter at http://wonkette.chatango.com/
wait! i'm not drunk yet!!
shit.
Richie Rich + Snidely Whiplash = Mitt Romney.
You sure it's not This man + This thing?
You could throw Dudley Doright into the genetic mix too.
I never noticed this before…but even though Nell is getting all C the Great with the horse, Dudley is still copping a feel. Those old cartoon were hotter than I remember.
Edit: Betty Rubble still has a nicer bosom though.
How much more of this Northern Mexican political foolishness must we endure? I'd rather talk some more about our Canadian balloon-space program's triumphs.
“If Elected, I Will Win”
–Pat Paulsen
If I had I had choosened to run, I would have been running of my own choosening. Since I have choosened to not run, I'm enterdorsing Newt. I'm confidential enough to know that I could work for Newt in any position he choices to me have in his cabinetting after he has been electrinated as President.
–Sarah Palin
And I know that Miz Palinz subscribes to these tenants she has lain out and about. Too. Also.
Do they still use the electrinating chair in Florida? Mebbe somebody could give Newt a demonstration of it before he waddles out of FLA.
Darling, you have *such* a way with word salads.
The only thing I find impressive about Palin is that she can mangle the English language without even thinking about how to do so.
Come, come, my friend. You see how much effort it takes for us, mere mortals as we are, to duplicate La Palin's effortless ease. Nothing to sneeze at, surely. Spit at, throw things at, and vituperate, perhaps, but nothing to sneeze at.
If there had been choosening to run, that running would have been choosened. There has been endorsing towards Newt in defiance of that which divides us. There is confidential enough to know that Newt, in any position that comes about, positions that we don't yet know about because of this enormous country and ways of giving back, those ways of giving back, even in cabinet positions, could come to anyone. There is great pride in knowing this, knowing that an electrinated Newt is a country that has shown liberals what we, the people, can do.
Why are these sounded like she really could sayed those thingies?
Romneycare is good on the Viagra, amirite? I mean to get florida up.
Looks like Florida should have had a stress test and anal exam before taking the Viagra, cuz it does not appear to be working
It does look a bit limp, doesn't it?
Tamron!! Rawr!!
She's only a me away from looking like a sexy-ass scoop of Neapolitan ice cream.
She was launched from Chicago. You are so welcome.
Oh, I remember those mornings on Fox Chicago, Sir or Madam!!
Sweet Gentle Jeebus, look what Tamron Hall is wearing, We have all won !12
Wait, wasn't she the model for this?:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_bag_%28sexual_ac...
Get that out of your fap bookmarks!! Show some respect!
If it's good enough for David Shuster, it's good enough for me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79nmqVX48oM
Dont make me go all Zell Miller.
Please use her full name. The Smoking Hot Tamron Hall.
Fuck These People.
What? Too early?
3-1/2 minutes to closing! Long enough for sex with Mrs. Romney!!
Fetus®Baby® pending.Twice!!
Ah b'leev our very own Biff refers to that as "cum-dumpsterism," sir or madman.
CK:
Which Mrs. Romney?
All of them, Katie.
I wonder what he croons "spontaneously" when getting ready for sexytime with the Missus?
Probably psyches himself up with a pep talk: "Okay Mitt, you can do this. Just think of her as last quarter's balance sheet…"
So how long does it take to get out of magic underwears, anyway?
Probably some awful Donnie Osmond cover of a perfectly good song.
Pat Boone, Smoke on the Water.
I was thinking Paul Simon's "Love Me Like a Rock (of Angels)."
But afterward, yeah, like CK suggested, more like Hall & Oates' Did It In A Minute.
No words – just hums 80s Casio watch tones.
I say no piglet surprise.
Florida is so strange. The farther North you go, the deeper in the South you are, and vice versa.
Bah, ha, ha, silly Floridians! Romney is going to force feed you non kosher meals for the rest of your lives.
Green Jello Fetus for everyone!
I have a recipe for that!
Add hot water, add cold water, add fetus.
I should have my own cooking show.
Mmmm another recipe for our abortion barbeque party.
Leave womb for dessert! I have something special planned.
Totally, you wild, crazy woman, you.
Further from socialist Cuba and closer to The Real South.
Newt's getting stomped like a palmetto bug in a "Lord of the Mitt", tap-dancing, flash mob.
What an amazing mental image.
Let's dance on some toes.
I don't want to prick my fingers anymoooore!!
I don't want to finger my prick anymooo…
Okay, okay…yes I do.
Do you have the diapenis?
They don't call me "P.P. King" for nuthin', baby.
So lots of finger work. I see. Err, I don't. Thank you no image policy for commenters Layne!
There is no "Florida." Starting at the bottom, you've got your gay Mecca – Key West. Then all those boat bums, idle fisherman, ex-weed haulers, treasure divers, et. al., up the Keys to Miami.
Miami to about Palm Beach or Launderdale is the Florida most people think of. But there's Havana – it's not "Little Havana" any more. It's just Havana. Calle Ocho. Etc.
The middle of the state is a damn big swamp, with DisneyWorld on the West side. Miles and miles of retirement communities in various states of collapse.
You got the Panhandle – Cracker Country for sure. The big ass airbase. And we didn't cover Tampa and St. Pete yet, either, because the Gulf Coast is always the last thing folks talk about when they talk Florida.
It's many, many different worlds all tossed together. But there is no "Florida."
Don't forget St. Jetersburg.
The middle of the state is a damn big swamp, with DisneyWorld on the West side. Miles and miles of retirement communities in various states of collapse.
This is the part I visited, and I have to admit, I was more than a little disappointed. It's not even an awesome swamp, but a reclaimed one, with mile after mile of sparse ponderosa pine forests and more billboards lining the freeway than I have seen anywhere else ever.
AGYF:
Very sadly, there isn't anywhere near enough of the Everglades left. Much of it drained for sugar plantations and housing tracts. It has a remarkable unique beauty (so does Death Valley, for that matter) – but it's not the dull gray mangrove swamp along "Aligator Alley."
I've only been to Jacksonville (for work–I wouldn't have went there if I had had choice). At the time, I concluded that the town might as well have been in southern GA.
I love your disclaimer.
I grew up there, and I concur. Great beaches, though.
This diversity is also reflected in the widest array of completely insane people in the country.
Really? Srsly. More crazy than Texas? And I am from Texas. Arizona? Utah? No snark. I really want to know.
Florida might not have the most crazies, but I think it has a pretty strong claim on having the widest, most eclectic variety.
Sent from my iPad
You ever read Carl Hiaasen?
No, but I have read Harry Crews.
The U.S. as a pachinko game, with all the loose marbles at the bottom.
Well, no fucking shit.
Yes, but who won the pedophile & Casey Anthony/family vote?
Not to step on any toes, but Ron Paul got only 7%.
Oh please… step!
I saw what you did there…
I see that you saw what he did there.
Hah! I suck at memes…
If Newt's campaign had stepped on more toes maybe he would have won?
Guess Romney's supporters are smart enough not to wear sandals.
One might even say he "stayed flat."
The more Newtie and Frothy stay in the race the better, the more mud slung the more exposure of their idiocy. Making Barry look like a Champ more and more everyday
have you seen new yorker cover? made me laugh out loud.
Watching the primary results in the White House, Sasha asks her dad: "Daddy, why are you laughing so much?"
Tweety looks windblown and happily drunk. Like usual.
yes, he does- but really unless you are drunk, how do you get through this?
oh–I'm not being critical! Sheesh, I've had a few tequila shots already. I'd never watch this shit sober, are you kidding me?
2012 going to be a great year for sellers of alcohol.
But the the livers. Forget the Birchers. Think of the livers.
and cellars of wine.
Tweetie just called Romney's Florida campaign a "Dresden bombing of his opponent."
FDR!!!!!!!!
Schlachthof Fünf libel!
(Too much of a reach to do a Katherine "Bomber" Harris gag…)
So it goes.
Chris has been on fire as of late in his observations about this race. I mean, on point.
Jeebus- who votes for Santorum? Of course, who votes for any of these losers?
I haven't seen the legend on that map of Florida behind Rachel, but I think the Panhandlers voted for Santorum. The pea-brains down here would vote for David Duke in camo hood and robe.
all of them,Katie
This has all the elements of a cliffhanger, except a compelling plot, hot chicks in distress, and suspense.
Was just thinking that the photo above looks like the latest SyFy movie.
Elephangator! Tagline: "You can try to run. You can try to forget. But the Elephangator ALWAYS remembers!"
Starring Tina Yothers & Justine Bateman.
No hot chicks? Someone's watching their coverage on the wrong station.
Romney wins, no alcohol or caffeine for anyone anymore.
Or sex…at least for fun. As long as you're pro-creating, keep on trucking!
And he'll take my alcohol from my cold, dead hands. (Thanks, Charlton!)
Magic underwear for all, though!
Wanna bet? There's a strategic national stockpile, right next to the oil and vibrator batteries.
Yeah, you don't want to fuck with a moneyed Mormon. whatever.
There are a few corpses outside Las Vegas that might agree with you.
Rick, its time to pack up the sweater vests and go home.
Gingrich is a disease.
Gang Gingrich! Rot's Right For America!®
Isn't it strange that everyone in the GOP thinks that what Florida has to say is important, while history has shown that since 2000, what Florida has to say is usually insane.
Or that what Florida has to say will be ignored in favor of the initial projections of Florida is likely to say.
That is because it always takes months to find out what Florida actually says.
What Florida had to say in 2000 didn't mean shit after the SCROTUS had their say.
KEEP GOING, JIM!
Aside from spelling "Hazzard" wrong, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!
Is it Him?
Is it Him?
It's Newell, yes.
" gay CIA retirees " is kind of a giveaway isn't it. I'm all a twitter.
This should be the shortest live-blog ever. All those voters in Cracker Country still won't put Newton over the top. He's got a kitten's chance in Burmese-python-infested Everglades of winning.
Save the kittens! Won't anyone think of the kittens?
God winds up taking so many of them when the Wonketteers are watching Tamron Hall.
Lawrence O'Donnell is grilling some Republican doofus, Rep. Tom Rooney. A thing of beauty.
Like most Republicans, I just wonder when Dick Cheney will get in the race so that we have a true
spawn of SatanConservative to support.He's too busy using his home care nurses as target practice.
And figuring out this little puzzler: Iraq:Yellow Cake::Iran: ?
I am watching Glee for the first time. Is this supposed to be about high school students? These people look like late 20s.
Do you remember the first iteration of Beverly Hills 90210? I think the oldest cast member was actually 40.
Sadly that's normal for high school set shows, and has been since at least Head of the Class; probably before but I'm not old enough to remember anything earlier.
Welcome Back Kotter?
Ah yeah, that's even earlier (and you're younger but got it dammit) though there is probably something else even earlier we're both missing.
Room 222
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Room_222
"Our Miss Brooks".
(omg. I'm really really old)
My favorite is still Wendy O. Williams in Reform School Girls when she was 37. And she looked like she was 47.
It's about maturity level and work rules. Older actors are usually more experienced and you can work them longer than minors.
You should watch the Mexican channel sometimes.
They have fat adults dressing up as kids, their voices high…
"The Mexican Channel."
Can't find this one on my guide; maybe it's only available with the premium satellite packages.
It's the one that's number 4 in the ratings, regularly beating fifth-place NBC.
They're just so gosh darn busy a dancin' and a singin' that they don't don't have any time left over to read books. They have all been held back a few years.
I wonder if Newt should consider another cruise. Maybe Italy this time.
"I just tripped into a lifeboat. Surprisingly, one that actually accommodated my fat ass. I knew Callista would be fine because she doesn't require any oxygen at all!"
But only if Obsma is captain. Apparently.
Is Santorum going to blame Jeebus for losing or himself?
No, he'll probably just blame the gays who got hypnotized by Romney's perfect hairstyle.
Obama. His fault.
Always.
I'm watching MSNBC.
Lawrence O'Donnell is the human embodiment of loaded questions.
When he asks a question, it's like he's just making a speech but puts a question-mark at the end of it.
Fucking Australians…
Poor elephant! (In the picture.)
That is seriously upsetting me. This is why I never hesitate to order alligator, when it is on the menu.
OK, it's only been on the menu once, but I ate that fucker without a regret.
Taste like chicken, dinnit?
Hmmm. Let me try again: which elephant? The one with the alligator attached, the young one or the RETARDO one with the gray mop?
I hope he drags it out and that baby Elephant kicks it's ass!
The baby elephant, Karma, eventually rescued its mother. May Karma reign in November, too, also.
I hope when Mitt wins he sings "We are the Champions", cuz that would be awesome with awesome sauce.
I would pay good money to not hear that.
I don't think he'd team up with Newt to sing "Under Pressure", though. Maybe he'd sing "Another One Bites the Dust" for Ron Paul.
PEOPLE ON STREETS!!
And poor kids in orphanages.
We are the Champions, my friend!
Woof, woof, woof
Oh, wait…
Except for the Mitt winning part.
Hey, I'm missing Glee to join you in this. Wait, it's not really missing; I haven't liked that show since the first season, but keep going back to it, and it keeps promising me that it'll be better this time and it's learned to control the inconsistent characterization and unrealistic plotlines; but after a few episodes of being sweet it goes back to its old behavior.
Seriously, is that just what happens to shows? I feel like there has never been a show (other than BSG, so sue me, I'm a nerd) that was good beyond the first season.
Oh there have been plenty; for one, despite the season 6 & 7 naysayers I'd say Buffy was always a great show, and its first season was its weakest. But yeah there are plenty of shows that, quality-wise, are one-season wonders (I'm looking at you too, Heroes).
Even season 4? Because that whole Adam story line was a real drag for me.
You forget that season 4 had "Hush," one of Whedon's best works. I'd say it's second only to "The Body."
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" sucked ass season 1. Sucked ASS.
Yeah; and season 2 was pretty bad too. It took until the third season to get good, but then it got great.
Also Parks and Recreation's first season was fairly dull; but it got good the next year, then great once Adam Scot and Rob Lowe joined.
There's a reason they use the phrase "Growing the Beard" to describe the point when a show gets good.
The Wire.
Your argument is invalid.
So Gooood.
Breaking Bad. Just saying. . . .
"The Shield" was good to the last shot. (Even though the incident that set up the whole series strained credulity.) And its spiritual successor, "Breaking Bad," just ended an all-kinds-of-awesome season.
Spot-on criticism of "Glee."
After Vocal Adrenaline's performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the season 1 finale, I assumed the show would never top that, and I was probably right.
So far at least you are right.
They're getting much, much better with their mash-ups (which despite the criticism, I thoroughly enjoy), and about 1 in 2 of their original songs are quite good, but for the most part they haven't been able to top their early "Oh shit we might get canceled any minute" performances.
If it makes you feel any better, that stupid shit Blaine got his eyeball gouged out. So things are looking up!
AAAaaaaannnd…the Florida primary is called for – hold on to your hats -MITT ROMNEY.
Gingrich in a "distant 2nd place"
Frothy Mix 3rd
and RonPaul crawls in 4th.
Paultards across the land wail, gnash their teeth, rend their clothing & patch their sandals
And taking another toke while trying to remember where the closest 7-11 is.
And smoke some dope, eat a bag of Doritos and chill.
The Colored Gentleman talking with the Confirmed Bachelor on CNN talks with his hands a lot. Which NFL team did he coach, again?
Newt says he will challenge the "winner take all delegates" rule if he doesn't win.
Democracy in action. Constitution. Reagan.
I would admire him more if he had vowed to challenge the "winner take all delegates" rule if he DID win. But then he wouldn't be Newt Gingrich.
That Great Sucking Sound is Sheldon Adleson flushing vast sums of money down the crapper.
It all came from Macau, anyway. Citizens United FTW!
Yuan For The Win!!
A fool and his money….
And that makes me very happy.
Newt looks kinda like Aughra from The Dark Crystal http://images.wikia.com/darkcrystal/images/c/cf/A... ,
but uglier and less friendly.
MORE FOOD!!!
I always thought of most Republicans as Skeksis.
Funny thing is, they do too.
Aesthetically not philosophically. As I see it in my drunkeness Skeksis as koch-kopfs,
Garthim as repugs, and Fizzgig as democrats.
Also, bigger tits.
I was watching CBS' ever-so-brief coverage of this and the anchor said that 62% of voters said the economy was the most important issue to them. These are the same idiots who voted Rick fuckin' Scott to be their governor, and now they have the worst unemployment in the country. I'm sure they've voted wisely.
in florida, "economy" means "skin color".
To be fair, Rick Scott inheritted that economy from Charlie Crist…oh, wait, he was also a Republican.
CNN has two large parties shouting at each other across a restaurant emptied of other tables. And the silver-haired waiter never brings them any breadsticks.
Is it being filmed in a "Right to Carry" state?
'Cos that would be exciting.
The waiter is exhausted after the 2 P.M. dinner rush.
We had the bad luck and complete ignorance to go to a Shoney's in Florida at 4pm once, long ago. I thought we'd be (slowly) trampled for some melty lime Jell-O and cottage cheese. Got to see my Grandma on that trip though. She played the piano and sang while my mother (her daughter) died from embarrassment so it was worth it. Plus the coin operated vibrating bed that fell apart at the Tiki Towne Motor Inn.
"And the silver-haired waiter never brings them any breadsticks." The lost lyrics from The Piano Man??
"Penny Lane."
Looking at the breakdowns, Mitt Romney did his best with people making over $200,000 a year.
Gingrich did his best with those who thought that abortion should be illegal in all circumstances, or who thought that electing a "true" Conservative was the most important thing.
FLA is a microcosm of the USA, they are both old and effete like the GOP.
Six months.
HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!
(I love you, man.)
Hear, Hear. Sí, Sí.
I love a man on Percocet and Prednisone.
Three Livers.
Dude! You, sir, are the shiznitz.
FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS, ALAN!
The Mitt-N-Shitty Follies really is a sideshow. THIS matters. Congratulations, good sir.
Were that this virtual thumb that I click my own true hand on your shoulder and that these words that I type would be heard while spying my smile of admiration and respect. I'm afraid that I have only these electronic sentiments to send: these typed words, this clicked thumb. But know that the smile, admiration, and respect are very, very real.
I'm so busy this morning I nearly skipped this thread. Good thing I didn't because I got the best news I'm likely to have all month, right at the start. Thanks for this uplifting news. Now go out there and win another teaching award!
Thank you all, I am deeply, truly touched by your very kind thoughts. And I'm grateful beyond measure for the friendship of such a genuinely decent and caring crew of mensches.
What a fucking lucky bastard I am. je je je.
CNN says married women hate Gingrich! I wonder why?
Envy – duh.
It's the single women he's more interested in.
You can tell by the number of comments this late into the post….no one gives a shit about Rumski and Snwoot any more.
Unless your a,,,,,, Oh!……. lets not go there.
I hear Sarah coughed up more bile, let's talk about…ummm…hmmmm….yeah, kay…
DRINK !
Nailed it!
"Regaining Momentum… entirely stripped of the momentum"
What's up with the NYT and "momentum"?
Though this sounds more like writing about a GOP scandal "Wide Margin Is Projected"
So no more debates or primaries for a while, yes? A couple of weeks off? Enough time for Gingrich to try to find out everything Mitt Romney has ever done that he can make hay out of?
John King thinks winning this primary means Romney has won a "huge general election prize." Could you hire someone with basic fucking political literacy, CNN?!
According to CSPAN's Washington Journal Mitt Romney has a huge penis.
Yeah, they even wheel out Erin Burnett for this shit. I remember when they inexplicably sent her to Egypt to cover the uprising.? She reported something was definitely not right because of the "shocking lack of street vendors".
Was she looking for a few pilfered knick-knacks from the museums to furnish her apt. to prove she was a world-traveler? If so, I'm sure she was definitely pissed about that. She must have thrown an Edina Monsoon-type fit about it.
Tamron Hall is working with Rachel on MSNBC for some segments tonight.
Plus I'm flipping back and forth between election coverage and Gladiator on HBO.
I'm taking an ambien and having some freaky ass dreams tonight!
I can't think of Gladiator any more without remembering Traficant.
I predict the final Florida count thusly:
The 99% get 01%
The 01% get 99%
Life Imitates Art, for teh Zen of it.
I'm watching coverage on France 24 again, and once again it puts American news to shame. They had an in-depth look on the elections in Senegal, and protests because it looks like the incumbent party there is trying to rig the elections; don't think any US network has ever even mentioned that that country exists.
Doesn't Senegal have a lot of blah voters?
these are the rewards of colonialism.
All this time I thought it was for the curry.
A real country, srsly? I thought it was a parrot.
French news covering Senegal? What next, Belgian news covering
CongoZaireCongo?Yeah, giving France points for covering news in countries it used to own isn't going to happen here.
I'm sure a couple of the US networks have acknowledged the existence of France.
OOOHH, Tweety is listening to Leaned Beltway Wisdom from David Gregory, who's saying….
Hey! War Games is on AMC!
*CLICK*
TAGGED: SHHH, ROMNEY WON
In quiet rooms did Kubla Romn'
A stately pleasure dome decree~
(vuvuzela sounds throughout the state of FL)
What is fascinating is that between Willard and Newt, they spent over $25M pissing us off here in the Land of the Dangling Dick. That works out to $500K per delegate.
And they say this Country is out of money. Pagh!
Ann Romney sounds like an elementary school principal.
Hey, you got Principal Skinner in my Montgomery Burns!
Hey, you got Montgomery Burns in my Principal Skinner!
Careful with that talk. You'll get Newt all excited.
You funny.
That was fucking annoying. I've seen this twice at Republican speeches, now, where they chide their audience for cheering. It's a little kind of power trip and look into their minds.
OK, so FL is over, now its back to bashing the browns.
Howcome Orly Taintz hasn't asked any of these candidates for their long-form tard certificates, HENNNNNGH???
Mrs. Romney is just as endearing as her husband. She's not letting the yahoos clap until she's done naming their supporters.
And yet she pauses after every name, as if waiting for applause…
That's her programming.
Whoa, control freak much????
What a dickish scene – We can see how much freewheeling goes on in the Romney bourdois (that means bedroom, right) – ZERO.
"Taffeta, darling" "Taffeta, sweetheart"
I don't know that cinematic reference, but plus 1, it sounds totally gross.
Young Frankenstein
gross.
Spitzer on Current. Gah. I'm dreaming of the Mittens Jr's in tears come 11/6 . (whiskey edit)
Mittens speaks!
In Tongues?
Oops, wrong Cult.
What's Pam Bondi doing supporting Mittens? According to the robo calls in 2010 she was Lou Sarah's BFF.
She sucks mortgage company dick before all, and Mittens has money.
Hey Junior, is it over yet or what? Fucking shit here…
EDIT: I'm a little dim.
Speech-coached Mittens is coached.
Uh, Newt, Obama has turned the economy around, despite the best efforts of the Congress and Republican-controlled states. And we got here because of George W. Bush; remember him?
BUSH UNPERSON DOUBLEPLUS BAD!
sweeps debris towards Memory Hole.
I'm actually rereading that right now.
The "Cautionary Tale" that's metamorphosed into an "Instruction Manual?"
Pretty much, yeah.
Anthony Burgess wrote a hell of a nice set of extended essays on Orwell which were published as the first half of his book 1985. His key theme is that, in the physical details of Oceania, Orwell wasn't writing about the future so much as 1948–rationing, shortages, a still-bombed-out London, and not a lot of hope. All the Big Brother stuff is just a reasonable projection of things as they were at the time.
Worth picking up, though you can skip the second half of the book, which was Burgess's own take on dystopian futurizing, imagining a Britain beset by out of control trade unions, which might still have been preferable to Thatcherism. One detail Burgess treated as satire that actually has become reality: mandatory labels on cigarettes featuring color photos of diseased lungs and the like.
Thanks for the tip Doc, I'll definitely look this one up.
A funny thing about 1984 is that so many people draw the lesson from it that fits their preconceptions. I heard a radio interview between Ray Bradbury and Marc Steiner, a talk show host out of B'more where Steiner maintained that Oceana was obviously Fascist, Bradbury was adamant that the society was based on Soviet Communism and all they did was talk past each other the whole time. Personally I think that authoritarian societies all follow the same arc no matter the underlying philosophy, but who am I?
I have Burgesses' Any Old Iron in paperback and it's got a pretty chilling portrayal of immediate postwar London's devastation, hardship and economic collapse that's way far from the gauzy 50's American portrayals we usually think of.
An interesting point I heard Anthony Burgess make in an interview was that 60's Supermodel Twiggy's boyish body morph was chiefly caused by childhood malnutrition during the War & its immediate aftermath. Good times, Eh?
Well, this concludes the Wonkette Book Club for today, buried with care way downthread.
shhh, he should only be spoken of in quite rooms.
Newt should have had more "Newt 2012" dog whistles to give away.
"Lead, Follow, or spend 16 million on one primary"
Romney's line "leadership is about taking responsibility" is the official Republican rationalization for blaming Obama for the problems they caused.
Thomas Paine also wrote an entire book about how religion is stupid and destroys society; why don't you quote from him on that?
I love how the GOP thinks Rubio is the key to the Latin heart. Little do they know we all hate that fucking sell out and only that little clutch of conservative Cubans in FL still pissed about Castro even give him the time of day, and they are not all that crazy with him either.
But they once owned whorehouses and casinos in Havana that were the envy of the world! Attention must be paid! Forever, apparently!
The GOP seems to forget that Rubio barely won his senate seat. If it wasn't for Meek and Crist taking votes off each other he would've lost. Also, Meek was a shit candidate and should've dropped out.
As far as I'm concerned, Meek was the only non-asshat on that ballot in the general election. Believe me, I searched.
I get the feeling the only votes Crist took away from Meek were blue dogs.
He is the very definition of a token. They are doing him (and he is doing himself) just like they did J.C. Watts. The truth hurts.
Santorum did his best with people who are suspicious of round crackers.
+10 with added beer snort and coughing.
Mittens is playing the crony capitalism card?
"His colleagues in the faculty lounge…ouch!" Education is bad, says Harvard Law and B-School graduate Mitt Rmoney
That sort of dickishness worked out so well for Palin didn't it? Thanks to Sarah's community organizer dig Obama won in a land slide.
It's fucking pathetic that we have a political party that looks at being a professor as a negative. Obama should have spent his time making money off of destroying companies and firing people!
V, I answered your e-mail. I've been e-mailing you. There seems to be a glitch somewhere.
Wait, I thought Mittens wanted to help the economy; now he wants to shrink government spending, which would hurt it.
And uh, 'Obamacare' was kind of based on the Massachusetts health care reform, who was behind that again…
I thought Mittens wanted to help the economy; now he wants to shrink government spending, which would hurt it.
You are just using real-world economics to judge smaller government fantasy-land.
But like, RomneyCare was for, like, 1 state, and ObamaCare is for, like, all 57 states. Because, like, it's not like the United States of America means, like, the states are united or something, you know?
Mittens sounds so insincere when he talks about financial hardship, it's just so precious.
I see we're now into the "Obama drowns baby kittens" portion of the speech.
"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"
I want this prick to win the nomination so that he has to look Obama in the eyes when he says this shit.
Mitt is using Newt's lines.
Really, Mittens is parroting talking points while proposing ideas that would just steal more from the middle class to him.
It's in between periods of the hockey game and Mitt is on the TV. That smirk makes me want to punch him in the throat.
Oh I would love to see that.
Hip check!
But what about his singing career?
Go all Dale Hunter on his ass, Barb.
Ah, damn, Barb, now I wish you were short so you could punch in the nutz instead.
Yes, I want to remember what life was like back in 90s before W destroyed America.
As The Onion said: "America's Long Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Finally Over."
Which turned out to be the most accurate, prophetic article ever written; in a way that was very painful for all of us.
Amen.
I want to go back to the 50's where a Republican president talked about giving unions rights and constraining the Military-Industrial-Socialist Complex and had grand visions for America that didn't involve letting the job creators become the job cremators.
Needz moar civil rights.
Yeah, Mitt, the last few years have really shown us that what America really needs is More Republicans.
…more Republicans slogging through the Everglades, wearing chum buckets tied to their necks.
…smeared with Boa Constrictor Attractant.
Want a laugh? Here's a link to Romney's 59-point "plan" from last summer, in all its out-of-date claims and inaccurate statistical glory: http://mittromney.com/sites/default/files/shared/...
Charlie H. Crist!
We believe in fucking, America. We believe in fucking America! Commas Mitt, commas.
Ooohh, Charlie Crist. Hows that whole "marriage" thing working for ya.
GOD I HATE EUROPE!!!!!!!!
Yeah!! Those Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys with their whole "30-Hour Work Week" and "Socialized Healthcare" and Germany with their Solar Panel industry and strongest economy in Europe and Finland with their magnificent Internet and Norway with their construction of a network of electric car charging stations and the Large Hadron Collider at CERN and… and… wait, I got really lost there.
What was I pissed off about again?
Oh, yeah: USA!! USA!! USA!! AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!!! WE'RE NUMBER 47!!1!!1
Yes, but they do not have the FREEDOMM!!! (It is a Yang worship word–you will not use it!)
"Liberty and freedom have to be more than just words." – James T. Kirk
This "EUROPE! EUROPE!" bullshit seems to play really well people people who haven't left their state, let alone the continent.
"Ah hain't niver had no Passport N' niver will!"
Jesse Helms never had no passport. Just mentioning it.
I dunno. You need a passport to drive to Canada to buy your Viagra nowadays.
Speaking for the rest of the world: that was the one thing about Jesse Helms we always appreciated.
i really really really want to hear nothing more about republicans for a very long time.
unless of course fraud, adultery or a teen aged boy is involved
Oh, I'm sure you won't have to wait for long.
Come, now. Remember who we're dealing with.
It'd be cool if MSNBC could get Charlie Crist and Christ Christie and the Baby Jeebus all on screen together. Christiane Amanpour is probably out of the question.
It also would've been awesome if Newtie could've eeked out a win and delivered the House and Senate to the Democrats in November. But he's not done stabbing at Mittens, and, as we all know, payback is motherfucker. Tweetie says Teddy's lackluster campaigning for Carter is why the latter lost in 1980, but one imagines the Iran hostage situation had a bit to do with it as well. Plus Amy.
A lot of it was Uncle Ted.
Hostage situation, Three Mile Island, Love Canal – every time Carter turned around, something else was kicking him.
He foolishly failed to start a war.
Plain is bitching about Obama again, natch. She is mad about the access to birth control brouhaha, saying Obama is, "…. promoting an anti-life agenda."
Come on, Palin should be dumping birth control in every beverage in the fridge that her horny daughters have access to.
A pro-life agenda is best symbolized by shooting machine guns from a helicopter, and drawing cross-hairs on electoral maps.
WTF is around $arah's nexk over on foxnews? She's in front of a fire, indoors, wearing a felt jacket and a neck cowl thingie.
And she looks like she has been on a diet pill and diet coke bender for the last week, wow!
Spanx can't do all the heavy lifting no more.
i think it would be fun to see newt cry.
Ask him about his Momma.
She's never satisfied.
This is what it sounds like … when Newts cry.
now i have that song in my head all night.
which is actually fine.
Glad to actually get a good song stuck in someone's head, unlike my usual.
Have you been purified in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
Oh, you guys tickle me to death! I was actually talking about that incident last month, where he got choked up talking on camera about what a horrible disappointment he had been to his dying mother. Or that's what he was THINKING.
It's on to bigger and better things for Mittens, like getting hammered in November by Obama. I'm usually not this vindicative, but I can't wait to hear this guy's concession speech. May it be bitter and painful.
and may you be correct.
I want to arrange it for an awesome gospel choir.
I want that shit set to Mozart's Requiem, the entire damned thing.
Ladies and Gentlemen, again, Fuck Toad.
..and his ongoing Rogaine project.
And his little doggerel, too.
Did he say 'Bellaphant'?
Santorum is grateful for the outpouring of support.
Wow Rick Santorum in Vegas, … good times.
So SuperPAC money won FL for Mittens, outspent Newtie 8:1. How's that conservative half of the SCOTUS feel today teabaggers?
I'm a little disappointed that we won't be able to call Callista First Slut… just a little.
Guess she'll just have to remain in her present position. Third Slut.
There can't be that many positions Newt can fit into.
Urgh.
I don't know, man. I hear Mrs. Jackson was quite the girl about town in her day.
Don't be bummed about coming in third, Rick — you're still "Number Two" to me.
Andy Kaufman could totally take the place of Rick Santorum, and nobody would notice.
Rick just got body-slammed in the political wrestling ring today. Thank you very much.
I love working for a big corporation that doesn't care about me! Woo Hoo! Makin' 9 bucks an hour money! Wooo!!
Jeez, how about a spoiler alert for that headline?
Rick is doing a bit of froth-slinging, I believe.
According to Mitt, American History begin with Obama! He is responsible for everything that is wrong with everyone born yesterday!
I know people loathe Gingrich, but I think I hate Romney more. He's so disgustingly smug and self entitled…
While Mittens was speaking I was thinking of the ads the DNC should run to counter every one of his talking points.
OT (off topic) Whoa–I put in a couple of semi-productive days and miss all the good shit that's gone on here at "our" wonkette, or as some Repubtards type it: the wonket.
The baby-faced ginger is returning, plus the wonket is right in the middle of another politically erudite wonkeratti live blog.
OT (on topic) I'm trying to figure out if angels get their wings when Republics complain about being "buried in the opponent's money"? Or is a reality show where we see conservatives suffering by living in Democratic-land, where we're always buried in Republithug money.
What's this about the Nevada Caucasus coming up soon?
I think they mean caca(s), as in plural dumps. Us Dems did it 1 1/2 weeks ago. For the record, I want to bring back the primary, I hatez caucusing.
I have gone off to dine with the wife, fixed myself a drink and come back, and Tweety still hasn't combed his fucking hair.
Newt! Showtime!!
I muted the sound as soon as I heard the awful country song they were playing when he went to the podium, and very much intend on leaving it muted.
When I think of Newt, I'm more like to think of Cinemax.
Callista: Meep! Meep!
(because I've never heard her speak, that's what she says).
“Mr. President, you were elected to lead,” Romney said. “You chose to follow and now it’s time for you to get out of the way.” Holy cow Mitt Romney quoted Idiocracy!!! this man is runnng on the Camacho platform!!
I can't STAND Romney. But your comment made me LOL.
He's what plants crave!
"You chose to follow"..? WTF does that even mean? Follow what?
Brains? Facts? Smarty pants?
Wait a minute, RMoney says Bammers chose to follow and now he needs to get out of the way? If he's following, Mint, the only way he can be in the way is if you're going backwards! OH, never mind.
Newt's sign says "46 states to go," as if he's actually on the ballot in all of them.
I'm looking forward to the Return of the PUMAs.
46 States to go!
Now we've got a bloated amphibian addressing us.
Callista Gingrich, Malibu Harpy
AAHH NEWT'S ON!!
*reloads Nerf Cannon Frantically*
Cry, Newt, CRY!!!!
"46 STATES" is the new "57 STATES".
23 Flavors!
For only 19.99!
9-9-9!
Newt will not quit because the contract for his next book, a work of historical fiction, requires that he goes down swinging, sort of like what happened at the Alamo, but not with real people.
Maybe this time he'll cast himself as John Gault and write a stirring book that will become the bible for weird college freshman men who can't get a date. You know: the Paultards.
PS Has anyone heard the factual truth that Paul "Dipshit" Ryan requires anyone hired to work in his office immediately to read Atlas Shrugged, or another of that hideously ugly, bitter, stained-teeth Ayn Rand's odes to greed, selfishness and those who live the unexamined, mean-spirited, bile spewing losers' life.
(Only on wonkette and only in recognition of the glee we feel at Jim's return, would I edit my comments to correct a split infinitive. You're welcome.)
Excellent, are you Newt's ghost writer?
Florida came on top of South Carolina? Ew.
Newt says Florida came on top of South Carolina! Someone forgot the "do not disturb" sign!
46 states to go? Rachel pointed out that he was not able to get his flabby ass on the ballots in two states, so it's 44 states, asshole.
BLEW! BLEW! BLEW! BLEW!
Ooooh, history!
Shouldn't that be "44 states, if we can remember to turn in the petitions"?
miltree cemtree
Power to the POTUS! Four more years, asshole!
Callista looks like Geddy Lee in a wig.
RUSH LIBEL!
And Newt looks like Geddy's Borg? HISTORY!!!
*meep*!
There is no trouble in the forest, Absolutely no trouble with the trees. – meep
Isn't that cute! He thinks he's people!
The token black person behind him DOES NOT look happy.
Darting eyes everywhere -they've been licking newts.
Pee pole pwned in November! I believe the best pee pole will win, indeed.
"…and the Gingrinches' Ego grew Ten sizes that day!"
And you may ask yourself, where does that highway go to? And you may say to yourself, My God! What have I voted for?
Newt: Same as it ever was.
This is not my beautiful wife. No, the other one. No, other one.
That was…beautiful
..A People's Campaign to Put Newt on the Moon?
I dunno. Looking at those numbers, if Santorum bags it (so to speak), those votes aren't going to Romney or Paul. You add 'em to Newt's totals, and it's competitive, and Mitt's not going to run as strong in the deep South (he's losing northern Florida's methbelt as it is). Gingrich still has a bucket of money, and all has to do is offer Santorum a cabinet post as Secretary of the Inquisition, and these two silly bastards could be slapfighting each other for months because, right down at the core of it, NOBODY'S REALLY FOR MITT ROMNEY. For reals. Even people voting for him and who have as much money as he does.
It's a beautiful thing. The Republicans finally get their very own Dukakis.
Yeah, Newt could give a damn about everything between here and Super Tuesday. In the mean time he gets to play the victim while carpet-bagging the bible-belt for the bigot vote. Its shooting the moon, but he could pull it off. People are just stupid enough to feel sorry for him while hating on magical underpants.
This race is just totally awesome in every way. It could only get better if Palin-O'Donnell.
Dukakis was a good governor of Massachusetts, unlike Mittens. He also didn't spend 80% of his term of office out of state (though to be honest, the less Mittens was in Massachusetts the better).
In many ways, I liked Dukakis. Voted for him. But, out on the campaign trail, he was pretty warm milk–and, in that way, he resembles Romney. (Also see: Mondale, Dole.)
Newtie, how has Obama been a disaster? You can't just assert like that; you need evidence.
EEEVIDENCE? We're the REPUBLICANS! WE don't need no ESTEENKING EEEVIDENCE!!
If Republicans had evidence they wouldn't be Republicans.
Odessa Steps? wha?
The Capitol Steps? That's an NPR satire thing, no?
Fuck, Newt had something to do with the Capitol Steps? Those guys suck.
Mark Russell, now there was a funny guy. I also like Kenny G and Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips and Mark Levine's books.
I think it's funny how he sort of dances while he plays the piano. How'd he ever get the idea to do that?
Tori Amos?
Forgot to pee before hitting the stage?
"People's Election" What is this, Newton Trotsky?
After going head-to-head with Moneybags Mitt, Newt finally found religion.
Newt's proudest moment involved the Capital Steps. Um, OK. Do you even realize they're not even funny?
Christian Rock is to music as the Capitol Steps are to humor.
..and the Philly Museum of Art is to Rocky.
GINGRICH/CROW T. ROBOT 2012
The Year of Gingrich will be Year One! We will sweep the nation with cleansing fire!
Tomorrow belongs to me~
Needz moar Bibles.
*GINGRICH/GIANT SLOR 2012: IT'S BELLY-ROASTIN' TIME*
Paid for by People for the Gozerian Way
or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb
Let's see. At this rate, it's going to cost Mitt Romulan about 800 million bucks just to win the Republican nomination.
At this rate, he'll only be in the top .001 percent!
And we'll all be paying it back in subsidies to his donors!
If all goes well, it will bankrupt him. Then he'll finally get that karma he's been owed since making Teddy Kennedy take out a second mortgage.
Asshole.
I hope the fucker has to take out a mortgage on every single one of his houses and sell his magic underwear.
God, I hate that fucking Bill Nelson! Newt's really hitting all the hot-button names here.
They have to replace Bill Nelson with a conservative? Uh, Bill Nelson is a conservative.
To steal a line from the one and only Molly Ivins, I'm sure Newt's speech sounds better in the original German.
Or the original Pig Latin.
Newt's daughter looks like a simple-minded hausfrau, and his son-in-law looks like Barney Fife.
Just a ploy to enthrall the Matlock crowd.
Oh, that's a win!
Dodd-Frank is killing housing and banks? Show your work!
GINGRICH: Repeal, repeal, repeal
AMERICA: Well, We're Fucked.
Kill the czars? He's a fucking Bolshevik!
And their ministers? Anastasia screamed in vain!
I think a few of his wives would like to hold him accountable.
oh and i meant to say this when i first saw the image on this post:
newt could give elliot spitzer a run in the 'yip yip' muppet category.
White House Czars is a media term; they don't actually exist. Oh and the term started under Reagan.
And the positions started under Nixon.
And here I thought that, after Julie and Tricia were conceived, the only person to do anything under Nixon was Bebe Rebozo.
Yeah, a president who can sing? That just OFFENDS decent Americans!
With most candidates, draining the money bin would be an issue. But since Mitt has left more money just in restaurant tips than most people earn in their whole lives, I'm not thinking money is going to be a problem.
Rich people don't get, or stay, rich by spending *their own* money. No matter how much Mittens has, he's only willing to spend so much of it on this vanity project. He makes more in one month than the Presidency pays in a year, right now, so for him, it IS a vanity project. The question is, how much is he willing to spend? His pocket is not bottomless, and he has five adult sons with families of their own who will not be too pleased if Daddy spends their inheritance for naught.
46 WIVES TO GO
Newt slings Golf! Singing! Teleprompters! Keystone Pipeline! The idiots are jizzing themselves!!
Simple minded fucks!
Help is on the way? lolz
Help.
Recognize Israel!
How to recognize different Jewish states from quite a long way away. Number one. The Israel. The … Israel. Um. That is all
Newts not getting the balls in! Teleprompter-drink, pipeline-drink, help Canaduh-drink, package….gah. JEWS!!!! what a cunt.
"Ven Der Gingrich szays Ve Ist Das Master Race!
Ve Heil! Ppppppth!, Heil! Ppppppth! right in Der Gingrich Face!
Sadly, even when Newt is working all these marvels on his first day as President, no one will notice because they'll be too busy dodging all the flying pigs.
REAGAN! DRINK!
Newt, you are not serious, at all; you can't call yourself that, not after a teleprompter "joke".
"NEWT! NEWT! NEWT!" sounds like "NO! NO! NO!" Learn to pronounce American, Numbnuts!
On the very first day, an executive order requiring confession once a month, NO contraceptives, and hot and cold running altar boys!
Newt: "Obama has ordered a hit on the Pope! I will cancel that order with extreme prejudice!"
Hey, Newt, the Army was good enough the Your Dad but…
Callista's black roots are showing!
Good thing that didn't happen in South Carolina!
One drop?
I'd make a carpet and drapes joke, but I don't want to vomit (again) on the keyboard.
I think you meant "blah roots."
*meep!*
That didn't take long. The Princess will be disappointed.
Even if you don't read the blog post, it's worth it just for the vomit-inducing picture of Newt and Callie Lou prayin'.
Any bets on Ron Pauls eyebrows tonight?
All of 'em, Katie.
"A Conservative who knows what he's doing" = "Jumbo Shrimp", "Military Intelligence", etc.
So you're assuming stupidity instead of malice on their part?
Can't we have both?
My life, my fortune, my sacred honor!
At least one of those things is imaginary, I believe.
Al Sharpton needs to put his teefuses in.
Everybody Wang Chung tonite.
"My life, my fortune, and my sacred honor" – is that from a movie?
At least his choice of a shitty country song (I know, that;s redundant) is unlikely to bring on another lawsuit; like the one he faces from Survivor for using Eye of the Tiger right now.
Triumph of the Will
This is Newt: Triumph of the Swill
If he want to capture the rest of the South, he'd better go with Triumph of the Still.
Why do all the mainstream male country singers sing in that obnoxious, over-mannered style, dripping with self-satisfaction?
This.
That, is a beautiful thing.
Thanks. And you in particular might also enjoy this.
Oooohh, nice. How do I turn that into my avatar? Sorry, I know that sounds really dumb here but my talents tend more toward the biologic rather than the technologic.
Im sure the whippersnapers here know a more elegant way, but I use Irfanview. Change to whatever dots/inch and physical dimensions you want.
Right click, save as, if needed open it up in an image editor, scale to the upload limit, crop as wanted, save the file, and use it on the website form. Simple as that.
Mrs. Mumbletypeg needs to go masturbate!
3,000 hours of Lincoln-Douglas type debates.
Will no one think to come collect Ron Paul off the stage??? The humanity leaving an old man to just whither away in the FL heat
Looks like Gingrich is gonna have to cut a Mitt…
Tweetie looks like its the morning after Tip O'Neills bachelor party.
And for dessert, I'd like an orange Sarbanes-Oxley.
PAULTARD ERUPTION IMMINENT!
Ron Paul looks extra crinkly tonight.
First Romney, then Santorum, Gingrich, and finally Ron Paul.
What's the speaking order tonight? Order of lunacy from least to greatest?
"If Enthusiasm inflated Blimps we'd be winning!"
Now, which are the Dukakis states?
You know, the ones where they don't say the Pledge of Allegiance with a sufficient boner.
Ron Paul should be coaching the Dallas Cowboys in 1963, with a fedora.
Then he'd have to air out his dirty Landry.
There is some guy behind Paul with a stripped bow tie, and it just seems so perfect and so right for the ocassion.
BTW, looks like Doctor Paul drank two whole Ensure's, tonight!
I'm betting matching sleeve and sock garters, too. Maybe spats.
And you should see him stir a Metamucil cocktail – wooo~!
And, when he blows on that hot soup! Boy, look out! Party in the USA!
No tie, he is the outsider, obvs.
Just like any other quarter-billionaire. Regular dude. Kinda guy I'd have a glass of 1967 Château Lafite with.
Ron Paul needs to put his teefuses in, too.
Stop pointing that out, makes me want to suck my gums and I've better things to do, like set brush fires across the country.
What?! Ron says irate minorities are going to fuck up the caucasian states?!
It's all in the newsletter, man.
They'll just fuck them up until Welfare Check Day. That's when all races can put their differences aside and stand in line together.
What's All This about "Cockless States"?
There are some very interesting Google results right there.
End the fed! End the fed!
No More Crummy Italian Car Money!
Fix It Again, Treasury
Gold Star!
I just knew that all those years of listening to Car Talk would pay off eventually!
Now you are officially "Unencumbered by the Thought Process."
Constitution = New Monopoly Money! Yayyyy!
Ron Paul, the Stop Making Sense Tour 2012
You know Who Else Went Down overextending themselves overseas?
Dominique Strauss-Kahn?
ZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
Outstanding! Gold Star!!
COTW
We're gonna have to start calling you two "Lob City"!
Leopold and Lob? The frontal lobs? The T-Ball twins?
Ron Jeremy?
Grace Kelly?
Captain Francesco Schettino?
Say, do the Italians compare him to President Obama?
No, they probably compare him to George W. Bush.
Yeah, no shit. Did everyone just up and forget Katrina?
Cleopatra? (and both Julius and Antonius were famous for their, um, size).
Bette Midler?
The sailor from The Village People.
A *VERY* limber lover?
Helen of Troy?
Great Britain y los Islas Malvinas?
The Troops belong here, occupying every state and spending money in America!
Drinkin' Fightin' N Fornicatin'! USA!!
They have to enforce the Constitution!
Quartered in our homes, yes?
Building and programming drones! Especially programming!!
Is that code?
Ron Paul on Civil Liberties: "But it's open season on uteruses!!"
A rising blimp rises all blimps.
mic drop
Only if you have recursive blimps.
Ron Paul has empowered me! I am going down to 7-11 and taking my Personal Liberty out of the cash register, with a shotgun!!
Don't forget the Huggies.
Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Ron Paul is a defender of the middle class?
My Spartans lost to an unranked team (by a single point in a painfully low-scoring game that either side could have lost or won, because they've been playing like a JV squad), and Mitt won as expected, so it's been a pretty shitty night for me.
Looks like America is going to limp into the arms of a guy they'll settle for.
Well the Florida GOP. I hope to God the whole country doesn't settle for Mitt…BLAH.
I meant the entire Republican Party. Newt Gingrich can't beat Mitt, and Mitt's amoral ass is going to continue to stomp Newt into the ground, which only makes the angry little attack muffin even more powerful, but not powerful enough to bend Mitt's inevitability.
Let me be clear, the GOP candidates are making themselves more irrelevant and less electable with each passing primary. If the Republicans don't even like their choices, how do they expect that the larger pool of American voters will?
They assume that they have the money to buy the election.
I really do hope they continue in that vein, because I just have this gut feeling that Citizens United isn't going to be nearly as beneficial to them as they thought. I don't think they say OWS coming; hell, I don't think anyone saw OWS coming, much in the same way that we couldn't have imagined the tea party getting as big as it got.
Ron Paul would totally rock the Big Suit.
I'd love to see that. I'll bet 3/4 of the Paultard Army would, too.
He's heading toward it already. That thing he wore in the four-way was miles too large for him; he looked like a skinny bar mitzvah in his brother's suit.
John King and Wolf Blitzer: the dumbest silver-haired voices of authority on cable.
Here's a clue, Mitt, holocaust survivors generally eat kosher. It's a shock, I know…
It's not that Mittens didn't want to pay for kosher meals, it's that Mittens spent gubmint money on food for anybody, ever.
Example of "small government." Everyone in the Dust Bowl, with the exception of the 3 or 4 dozen of us who are actual Democrats, clamors for it. Until they get it. Like pIssing and moaning about cuts to the meals for seniors program. My own church gave money to that save that, though I opposed it. Silently. I couldn't say what I think, that the old fucks are getting what they voted for, so screw them.
We have a new building for one of the federal agricultural offices–the one that doles out emergency money and subsidies. But because of budget cuts, a few counties, including my own, are losing their office and will have to drive to another county.
Talk about pissing and moaning. There is a public hearing on it and I'm trying to work up the nerve to speak. "Congratulations. You got the austerity you wanted. Isn't it a bitch when you get what you voted for?
"Silly Rabbit, Austerity is for Other People!"
You know…Those people.
Yeah, it's just a dog whistle for "stop giving mah tax dollars to them culluds."
Just like the way Newt financed his college education, cries of "small government" work best when the state in question can get federal handouts.
I just get sad when I see povertons in the red states decrying government because I know it's the only way they actually have a house and food. Actually, any state, but it's more prevalent in the red states.
These fools vote against their interests every time.
Propaganda is a helluva drug.
Do it. Srsly, these people do not make the connection. I'm sure you can come up with a way to phrase it very politely but still put a sharp point on it.
I'll drive up and stand behind you. Do it!!
Breakthrough CNN Technology! King and Wolf have been shrunken to the size of an iPad!
Will you get these people their entrees, CNN?!
Yeah! (waves both forefingers above head.)
Bad hair night for Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Every night is a bad hair night for DWS if we're going to be honest with ourselves.
I envy her hair, mine being the polar opposite in every way.
Magnets, huh?
Always bad for Jewfros. Tough to tame, even with a double process.
All that damn humidity in Florida.
I first read that as "All that damn hostility in Florida." I guess that could work, too.
As per usual, right when I'm all excited and ready to go it's already over.
Spin cycle?
Takeout Chinese. Thankfully tonight's Chinese is kinda cute!
"That's What She…. oh, wait, never mind."
Aw don't worry; we're not finished yet, even if our Wonkette overlords have given up for the night the rest of us are all keeping each other entertained and excited.
Oh goodie!
And soon, Newell will be back, at it will be ginger week.
YES! Because if it wasn't for the return of Newell it would not be Ginger Week.
Mitt seems to also believe in a mystical Obama who …………… (fill in the blank with some inanity)
Blows Goats, He Has Proof?
I think there's documentation in Dubya's favorite book, The Putz Goat.
Alas, if I want to continue my unprecedented, (in recent history) third in a row, semi-productive day tomorrow, I must say nitey-nite.
I'm off to think happily of Jim returning and the warm memories of the late night rant on the issue of abortion that Jim not only tolerated, but for which he gave me a pat on the back. The troll who'd set me off got kicked in the nuts by the wonkeratti who were still at their keyboards at that time of the night.
'Later, losers.
Hey, anyone else with IE9 suddenly having problems with Intense Debate jumping to the top of the page???
Maybe Jim can fix this problem?? Maybe Jim caused it????
Damn, Newell"s not even back and he"s already fucking shit up.
Come on, it's Barry's fault. It's always Barry's fault.
Other sharks are jumping me, holy shit!
Shout out to my avian pal, who was hanging around tonight.
shark_ey SHARKEY
That speech was loaded to the gills with santorum!
22 minutes ago
Um, just saw Gingrich. Is it just me or has Callista turned completely ostrich now?
Emu libel!
I'm a little late to the party (and slightly drunky, to boot) but OMG is Mitt Romney eating Newt Gingrich in that video clip?!?!?
No worries.
Are Mormons allowed to eat reptile?
Oh, it's late and Tamron is almost off work. Gotta go see if she needs a ride home………..in my dreams………♥
Inga out.
I think there'll be a queue!
How amazing did she look tonight and did you see the shoes? They weren't just" fuck-me pumps", they were" bend me over a desk , spank me then fuck-me pumps."
I thought most everybody who lives in North Florida was a round cracker.
Apparently, no one in northern Florida asked the very important question of who Ronnie Van Zandt would have voted for.
Damn you Layne!
left the seat up again?
Wot!!! Is he writing another book and demanded you come back to work?
Ask for a pay raise. Nay. Demand it.
what? can't exercise the banhammer, Ginger Lord?
Stay more than a week, Newell!
Shit. Did I miss something?
I missed it, too, also, but I didn't have to drink as much tonight as a result.
Fuck no, ya shrill harpy!
P.S.–Peggy Noonan is an annoying shrew !
Florida chooses Romney. America's flacid penis has spoken!
Romney is an awful candidate that owes his success so far this year entirely to how even more awful every other Republican candidate was. This election really has been a perfect storm of awfullness.
Given how the unemployment rate has been consistently on its way down for the last 6 months, and if it continues at this rate for the next 10 months, it'll be well below what it was when he took office, it will completely undercut Romney's best argument for not re-electing Obama.
He's the AFC west of candidates
Almost everyone on the Republican side keeps saying Mitt won't have any trouble getting the conservative vote in November because the conservatives hate Obama SO very much…but what if by November they don't hate him as much as they do now because unemployment is down and the economy is doing well? If a significant portion of conservatives don't have a good reason to vote for Romney (other than not being Obama), a lot of them WILL stay home.
Yeah, but he'll still be black.
This is good news for Obama!
Looks like Black Obama vs. White Obama.
Al Sharpton is laying the fucking smack down on a Gingrich supporter on MSNBC right now over Gingrich's race-baiting.
Oh, my god, that was beautiful. Thanks for making me look it up: http://thepoliticalcarnival.net/2012/01/31/video-...
Every time that flack called him "Al" I wanted Sharpton to say "That's Reverend Sharpton to you."
Boy, that guy was unspeakably dumb. Bringing up Lincoln as an example of how non-racist the Republican Party is? Dude's been spending too much time hanging around the freepers and not enough time talking to humans.
Also I liked the end when the pundits asked him about the GOP anti-poverty programs he claims have never been tried and his answer was "Lower taxes, more freedom!" Derp derp derp.
Thank you for that link, I watched the whole thing.
I really, really wanted either Sharpton or Maddow to bring up Lee Atwater.
It was a kinda weak-willed interview, imho. Sharpton, as much as I like him, is more bombastic than cutting and that left captain weasel enough room to dodge. Maddow should have stepped in.
But, my god, I hate Republicans.
"But, my god, I hate Republicans."
Man, I was worried that it was just me.
That went on for so long I was vocally begging the someone to come in and break it up, and Rachel finally stopped the match. lol I've never seen such a candid discussion on race in cable news ever. What a beautiful disaster that was.
What got me was that the guy was so dense he kept saying everyone else was race baiting and then used the conspiracy theory that the Democratic Party is trying to abort black babies. I literally cringed, though, I was surprised that no one on the panel confronted him on that particularly outrageous talking point. Al was otherwise completely on his game.
Ron Paul did best with people who keep large quantities of cash in their mattresses, buy their suits at mortuary second hand shops and use mustard plasters.
Am I supposed to be impressed by the Kos/Newell shit? 'kos I'm really not.
Of course that was a joke. A sour ginger fart joke.
Does the voiceover guy have one ounce of remorse when he cashes the check for recording that robocall? Probs not. "They write it. I just read it," he says to self.
Probably how Peter Cullen feels about all the crappy versions of Transformers he's done voices for.
"God forgive me– they have my children!" he says to self.
I'm not proud of many things but I am very proud of the fact that my contract with my voice-over agents has a rider that states that I will not do any auditions for right-wing organizations or political parties.
One of the many reasons why we love you.
Looks like the victory is pretty well complete with Mitt and cronies picking over the flayed and bar-b-qued body of the vanquished Newtster. Prolly tastes like asshole.
The Mittens Romney won, but what did he win, and what the hell was the cost? How many times can a man sell his soul? Being a corporate man, I'm sure Mittens has found all manner of ways in which to repackage it.
If the Mittens Romney was "winning" last night, than lord in heaven let me lose, 'cause that bastard was "winning" like Charie Sheen. Karma is licking her chops, soon to be loosed at the most inopportune time…
Mitt doesn't sell his soul. He's packaged up collateralized options on souls, leveraging the original soul's worth and – through a series of swaps and options – been able to use that leverage a thousand times over.
Exactly.
I just saw Mittens on CNN talking with Soledad O'Brien and he said that his focus wasn't the very poor because they had a safety-net, his focus is the middle-class. She couldn't believe it and made him clarify his statement and then he bobbled and stammered about how he meant that the safety-net just needed some fixing. Jesus Christ I hope the Dems have that clip.
You mean the safety net that his colleagues in congress are busily dismantling? THAT safety net.? What an insufferable quiff.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20120201...
I've got $10,000 that says his pandering to the middle class won't work. And my 10k is payable in Monopoly money only. What a dick.
No kidding. I used to think he was just this beige man who was a bad candidate and a flip-flopper, but I really think he is a mean-spirite, vindictive asshole.
In all fairness he also said he wasn't worried about the rich. He's just trying to squeeze the middle-class down to the level of the poorz.
"“Florida is a microcosm of America,” we just heard one of the Romney and/or Gingrich spin-whores say on the MSNBC just now. "
Thank God and the Flying Spaghetti Monster that this isn't even remotely true.
Man, I leave y'all alone for the evening, and you guys go crazy. Almost 700 comments. I'm sure the toilets are all clogged and there are beer bottles and used condoms everywhere. Who's going to clean up this mess?
The photo makes me sad on many levels.
Yeah me too. Don't get me wrong…I love pork in all of its myriad forms, but that picture puts me in mind of a flock of crows fighting over roadkill.
Edit: Oh wait? We you talking about the elephant vs crocodile picture? Yeah…a little sad here too, but my guess is that while Jumbo might have gotten some new scars, unless there's more to this story, the croc got its ass kicked.
Edit 2: Lol…it was touch and go, but the baby elephant pwnd the croc. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB5XRyesgV8
(Romney and company still look like crows on roadkill though)
Oh cool. Thanks for that. Good to see the rest of the story.
I thought Milwaukee was a microcosm of America?
Harley, PBR and Laverne & Shirley…
Ah man, now that Florida is done, until they try to fuck with the general election, of course, I can already smell the stench of sulfur seeping over from Nevada.
At least they probably won't be coming to your city, seeing that it's synonymous with teh gay in wingnut-land. I'm kind of dreading the possibility of the campaign lasting until Pennsylvania since then they would all be stopping for a photo op at a certain famous eyesore just one block from my place.
Well to be fair, if I was a Repub man I would be hanging out at the Savage Men male strip club, too.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/01/mitt-rom...
"I'm in this race because I care about Americans. I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it," the Republican front-runner said Wednesday on CNN, following his victory in the Florida primary.
…
"We have a very ample safety net," said Romney. "And we can talk about whether it needs to be strengthened or whether there are holes in it. But we have food stamps, we have Medicaid, we have housing vouchers, we have programs to help the poor."
This made my week. This monumental gaffe is all over twitter since it happened about an hour ago. Fantastic demonstration , once again, of a guy who has never seen the threadbare bottom of his checking account.
Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?
I'm not sure if I like the fact that this Jim Newell guy thinks nEWt's speech was "AWESOME"!
Our Lady of the Tundra goes on the attack: http://www.opposingviews.com/i/politics/2012-elec...
$17 million spent in one state, that purchased a lot of darts and arrows that were flown in one direction and then a lot of darts and arrows were flown back and you know a lot of that negativity sure didn’t paint the party and the cause in very attractive colors.
Paint ball?
Paint darts and arrows…wha?
Slings and arrows?
'Slings and arrows of outrageous fortune'?
That's it you edumacated elitist. Was it Mel Gibson who said that?
"Darts and arrows of unattractive negativity".
you know a lot of that negativity sure didn’t paint the party and the cause in very attractive colors.
Neither does accusing your opponent of "palling around with terrorists", but, you know, IOKIYAGRWC.
"With all the chutes and ladders over here, battleships over there, it boggles the mind how voters thoughts are scattergory over the dominoes falling in this process, with the candidates scrabbling for votes like hungry hungry hippos."
A gibberish pod has taken over Chet.
It's blood red, you ignorant fucking cunt, the color your party self-identifies with.
Forgetful Mitch McConnell via TPM:
The White House has “been trying to pretend like the President just showed up yesterday, just got sworn in and started fresh,” McConnell declared Sunday on CNN’s State of the Union. “In fact, he’s been in office for three years. He got everything he wanted from a completely compliant Congress for two of those three years… We are living in the Obama economy.”
Someone seems to have forgotten the filibusters. That he himself lead, the fucker.
That won't come back to haunt him at all when the next batch of good economic numbers come out.
Did he forget about Scott Brown, like, what? Just one year into Obama's first term, and before that that the Senate Dems (umm, Ben fuckin Nelson as just the most egregious example) weren't always a 60-vote bloc? Obama never had a fully compliant Congress. That bullshit lie needs to be set straight.
Honestly, if you want a compliant Democratic Congress, not only do you need a supermajority in the Senate, but you probably need 70 votes just to make up for the obvious defections.
and trying to melt all the ice that seems to have settled over hell
HEY! Turn on comments accepted for the new post, Kaia!!
Newell already dicking around with other posts?
He was pretty good at using all italics at times.
That fucking picture of the elephant having it's trunk chomped down on by a crocodile's been making me sick all afternoon.
Maybe we can have an impregnation, followed by an immediate abortion; I've heard those newly fertilized single-cell eggs are the tastiest.
Well, I was planning on fetus s'mores, roasted over an open fire with a wire hanger. I like your idea!
We can always to both! Blastocysts roasting on an open fire…
I'd put Once More With Feeling as #1, but Hush and The Body are tied for second place; and Season 4 also gave us Fear Itself and Something Blue.
OK, sure – “Hush” was good … but the season overall? Meh.
Yeah, we're going to burn in hell.
Godwin's Law 2: Any internet thread that goes on long enough will eventually turn into a discussion of which episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the best or which season was the worst.
OMWF is very high on my list. I'm also agreeing with you on the seasons: I rather enjoy the later Buffy seasons (of course, I've only seen bits of 7), and looking back, season 1 was just bland. It wasn't until she showed clear signs of PTSD in the first episode of season 2 that I knew this show was serious business.
I'd rather laugh withe the sinners, then cry with the saints; 'cause sinners are much more fun
-Billy Joel
I'll bring the toasting forks if you bring the marshmallows.
Well most fans would probably agree that one of those three was the best episode; which one though is a different story.
Only the good die young. (and then get eaten at our BBQ)
And there they go folks. Thank you! They'll be here all week, unless hell opens up and swallows them.
Try the placenta with your roasted fetus. Delicious!
Season 6 is actually my favorite season of Buffy, which is my favorite TV show ever. But everyone else seems to hate it.
Fra, you will be my guest at the BBQ.
BYOF.
No, if it wasn't for the return of Newell there's no way that next week would be a good week for gingers at all.
According to the info on the wikipedia article, the actors were actually fairly appropriately aged for the characters they played. I turned 18 the day the last show aired. I'm old.
My God, I haven't thought about that series in 30 years!!
Yup, if it wasn't for the return of Newell it would be just another boring, non-eventful, and likely celibate week for gingers the world over.
Just like a normal week for us gingers; ex-actly.
Everyone else is fools. Best show ever, and I'm one of the oldz.
Must really suck to be a ginger. Good thing Newell is back to give you something to look forward to.
PLEASE NEWELL, COME BACK NOW AND PUT THIS THREAD TO BED!!!
Can I interest you Gingers in some Blake Griffin dunks?
I've had a little bit of ginger in my mouth before.
Karen Valentine – Room 222. She sure knew how to reach those kids.
yyaz:
For my money, the author who captures the full-on, industrial strength Florida crazy is Tim Dorsey.
Laurence Shames has a rather charming view of modern Florida life. I thoroughly enjoyed the clever "Scavenger Reef."
And there are several very good thriller/mystery writers setting their yarns in Florida.
But you just can't beat Tim Dorsey.
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