HOORAY!
That is what your semi-managing editor has to say about this important news, from your beloved past-and-future Wonkette typing monster of Capitol Hill, Jim Newell:
An Important Announcement Regarding Your Gawker Political Desk: Goodbye
Tuesday greetings from the Gawker Political Desk! We have some news: This will be the last post for its main political writer, me.
[...]
I am leaving to fulfill my lifelong dream: Building a golden shrine to our nation’s Romulus and Remus of the future, Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain, in the Secret Forest. It’s an option, at least. (No.)
Where you’ll find me now: Next week I’m going to be guest-blogging with my good friend Ken Layne and his staff at Wonkette, the first Gawker Media site that hired me to write about politics in 2007. It’s going to be fun. I’m hoping to contribute more to The Guardian’s US site. I have a lengthy piece that will appear in next month’s relaunch edition of The Baffler about my experience in a high school monetary policy competition. (Seriously.)
So, now that our late-night gmail conversations are public knowledge, Wonkette is very happy to announce that Jim Newell is Wonkette’s new Senior Editor at Large or whatever title we are making up, and you can expect to see his vicious and insightful prose right here, starting next week, again, and hopefully continuing on whatever level we can keep him contributing, until the End of the World, may God Have Mercy On Us All.
Welcome back, Newell. We have missed you a lot.
{ 261 comments }
::blink::
Jim? JIM???
Oh, it IS you! Welcome back!
Yay! I hope Peggy Noonan and David Denby still exist, stupidly.
Can they exist any other way?
If David Denby is going to come to these pages, first he'll need a rectal exam.
Oh, Peggington Noonington! How we've missed Newell's translations and interpretations.
And here I was getting used to not having competition from other gingers.
SorosBot is a Ginger? Oh my Goodness, I have quite a history with your people, my first love was a dark ginger with brown eyes and MrLimeyLizzie was a Ginger, he is now completely white except for…well…you know.
I'm a Ginger.
Well, I'm a Pepper. We're all Peppers. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
Ask me how!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!
Well I mean other male gingers.
Like I said previously, I am very excited about the Official Ginger Week next week
Too soon!!!
As a ginger, so am I.
Well, it won't be so much "competition" as it will be "breeding" and/or "mortal combat"…
The Guardian? You pinko!
Barkeep! One Peggingtonshire Special, two olives — shaken, not stirred, please. And Vicodin on the side.
Oh, yes, oh yes, OH YES!!!!!!
*sighs* That felt good.
"I'll have what she's having."
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
Aww, isn't that sweet!
"Guest-blogging" so fap it while you can!
Can you put him on the morning shift, Ken? I think the present staff are narcoleptics or slug-a-beds.
Shit – if we want the morning shift, then we need Sarah K. Smith back. In his previous goodbye post Jim acknowledged that Sarah was doing the early heavy lifting even though she was an hour behind him.
Damnit
babytoddler Smith – you need to start sharing your mama!Those of us on the West Coast don't even notice.
Being on the West Coast I usually find myself watching Stewart and Colbert going,"When the fuck is Wonkette gonna wake up? They are east of here right?"
Morning shift it is!
Well, we were puny then, we're kind of huge now. Five thousand views and one thousand comments was something unheard of when he was in charge. And there were no p's. Those were the days.
This is a big fucking deal.
I can't wait to throw my panties up on the stage when he gets here!
This news makes me want to throw up too!
Throw up with joy!
You may need to actually start wearing panties, then.
True that!
I'm already twirling mine around my finger in anticipation.
How long to get to your place from 5th and Market? This I gotta see.
The joy of Jim returning is only slightly lessen by the knowledge that you usually wear panties.
She didn't say that. She only said she has them within reach for throwing. Like the puppies I keep next to the keyboard.
Panties? We don' need no stinkin' panties!
HALLELUJAH! The Prodigal Snark returns!
The PUMAs will be so excited!!!
OH NO!
This is great news?
Wait I'm confused.
Welcome back Jim.
Everything old is Newell again.
Will Jessica Cutler be returning?
So, now that our late-night gmail conversations are public knowledge
I bet you would have landed him sooner if you hadn't asked "So…what are you wearing?"
Will he tell us about that time Denton tied him to a chair until he pounded out 2,000 words on Newt's affairs?
I am going to comment naked all week.
Speaking of naked, how did the audition go?
Haven't heard a peep, it went well but these things are so random, I try to forget it even happened!
Naked
Saved you a couple days work.
You are such a card.
So you're not doing anything special?
You hear that, Soros? Limeylizzie is trying to one-up you!
My apartment gets too cold this time of year to comment naked; I do at least need my underwear and a t-shirt.
Huh. You've been commenting naked ever since I got here to Wonkette, at least in my mind.
There is an option not to comment naked?
Only if you submit to an ultrasound first.
Pictures please.
Or GTFO!
Will this comeback include the requisite training montage? I want to see Jim chop wood and outsmart his KGB handlers and run through the snow to a mountaintop and shout "Noonan!"
Shouldn't he be running over a golf course yelling Noonan.
Miss! Missmissmissmissmissmissmiss!
Darn, I must be getting old.
I first started common-tatin' round this joint after an email from David Lat back in May, 2006.
Welcome back, Jim, ya n00b!
~
Congratulations on your upcoming 17th birthday, ifthe!!!
Wow, first Gawker let go of Lauri, and now Jim. What is it, over there, that they have against talent?
this was my second thought, after "HOORAY!"
Newell refused Daulerio's hectoring to get some politico dong up in the place.
This is the world's best circle jerk.
No, this is the world's largest circle, jerk.*
*Forgive the insult. And the pun. Just forgive my life, really. Please?
I suppose it really isn't my place, but I forgive you anyhow. I love all the random links our Wonkettes share, I always learn and laugh so much (frequently simultaneously). I must of been living under some Wonkette political rock for the last few years as I hadn't been aware of that amazing bit of art(?) before.
Cool!
I just saw that you edited your comment to read "best" instead of "largest" before I replied, thus rendering my ha-ha into huh-huh? Well played.
Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES!
Great. If you're interested, I have these two jokes for sale:
Tonto, blow me pronto
and
Kimosabe, bite my lobbie
These are sold only as a set. Five bucks. Thank you.
So is this a step up, a step down, or a step sideways for Mr. Newell?
It's his court-ordered community service.
All of them, Katie.
So just step sideways from this place, today…Just step outside this grubby place, today (kazoo solo).
It's just a jump to the left….
Considering that Newell hasn't left his Capitol Hill rat house since 2008, I am guessing there are not a whole lot of "steps" involved, unless you're talking about the steps behind his kitchen, where he smokes his repulsive cigarettes.
…where he smokes his repulsive cigarettes.
Now Ken, be nice. Besides, weren't you a press guy? They used to smoke like chimneys.
Like most former smokers, I am now an insufferable anti-cigarette nazi.
You know who else….oh, hell, you can write the rest in your head…
But he's been using the cig butts to build a new room onto his hovel – you know, American ingenuity and all that…
Yes.
"You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out…………………"
I take two steps forward,
I take two steps back,
We come together
'Cause opposites attract
Huzzah!!!
♫ Meet the Newell boss
Same as the old boss. ♪
We won't get trolled again!
Hooray, indeed! I just recovered my long-forgotten password to express my delight.
YAY! When is Salon going to fire Pareene?
That was my first thought also, too.
I wish. I miss me some Pareene.
It'll be good to see Newell's stuff at a site that isn't blocked from my office. Um — on those rare occasions I go online at work, that is.
I hope we'll see the return of the Neweller's keen insight on Dame Peggy Noonington.
Oh, if only. This will be the season of teh krazi, so the whole Wonkette staff will have to be on their toes.
So, who will be on the crack blogging team in Tampa and Charlotte?
BRING BACK ANA MARIE COX
Hear hear! Because Cox and buttsecks made Wonkette what it is today!
Wait, what?
Let's not forget our Butterstick. OBEY.
That was definitely the low point. Animals are wonderful and adorable, but don't deserve to be worshipped.
Worship what you will, including animals, but remember to insert the funny in between fuzzy-wuzzy bear posts.
The Goddess is NOT amused, Infidel! PREPARE TO BE SMITED-ED!!
Peggy Noonan's Sith apprentice?
*ducking*
yes, needz more assfucking stories
Hey are you gonna be getting a cool blue bar like Ken et al. now?
Wait, isn't posting in all caps a bannable offense?
Welcome back, ginger.
Welcome home, Mr. Newell. Welcome home.
The old gang is back together again! Well, almost back together again….
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!
HITLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who says you can't go home again? Oh right, my parents, that's who.
O Frabjous day, callooh callay!
Here's some funny stuff, if you know any furrin talk:
http://www76.pair.com/keithlim/jabberwocky/transl…
The Italian one sucks, though.
I enjoy that there are several Esperanto versions…
But, sadly, no Klingon.
Yet.
I'm chortling in my joy.
Hooray! Those Gawker commenters never appreciated you, Jim. Not the way we do!
Now, get to writing a Dame Nooningtonshire piece, pronto! Dance, monkey, dance!
I appreciated him! So much so that I've defected–I'm sure there will be more coming annnny minute now. Like, hundreds. THOUSANDS even.
I'm growing wood just anticipating the next Newell post.
More raw wood.
The one-L newel, it's a column.
The two-L Newell, more like Gollum.
Jim!
Welcome back. I left a post in response to your exit on Gawker, and am happy to see you back here.
You know who else left for bigger things but then later happily returned?
All of them, Katie.
Demi Moore?
Jackie The Jokeman Marlting?
Newt?
Dorothy Hitler.
Gladys Knight's man?
Deion Branch?
Nicki Haley?
Elin Nordegren?
Heidi Klum?
salmon?
(maybe this is how Gingers spawn?)
The wacky Totenkopf Waffen SS Division?
The Incredible Fifty Foot Woman? Though, instead of happily returned, she returned happy.
David Lee Roth?
So, those rumors about the Jolly Green Giant and The Incredible 50 Foot Woman are true?
I thought the Jolly Green Giant was gay.
You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
Andy Richter?
You know who else went away for a little while, only to return to great success on the political scene? (It would be even better if Newell had written a book about His Struggle while he was gone).
Al Franken?
Sarah Palin?
We won't have Jim Newel to kick around anymore?
Nader?
Hooray, Newell returns!!!! I predict 300% more posts that mention space rats. I've missed the space rats.
Gingers do have souls!
They must…, right? No… no, I'm sure they do.
Says who?
I've seen no proof of that – ever.
yayayayayayayayaya! Truck nutz and whore diamonds for all! (Too excited to snark!)
Dad, can we keep him? Pleeeeeeeease?
MISSLE KRUSHER DONGLE.
seriously, look it up.
Worth it.
Can we dig Riley up from whatever shallow grave in Zucotti park he's in, as well, too?
Ha! He fled the country already. Srsly, he's over in Czechoslovakia teaching English.
But agreeing, he is missed here. Myself in particular, I wish for more international-scene updates..
"He fled the country already. Srsly, he's over in Czechoslovakia… "
Hiding from Reichfart's personal boy-grabbers, while pretending to teach Czech to the Slovaks and vice-versa…
Hooray!!!!
Shut UP!
Can we have a Blingee contest to celebrate?
no snark…just YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!
Stuffing that Gawker swag in your pants and walking out the door baby.
Yay! We miss us some newell…..Gawker just wasn't the same.
Hear hear indeed. Got so sick of wading through the idiotic Real Housewives recaps to find Jim's posts. And their commenters are terrible. Welcome back!
That's some gold-plated truth right there.
Welcome back, Jim!
I had to just quit Gawker altogether. Don't miss it at all.
I pretty much quit after the redesign a year ago. I'd still go check out Newell but that's really it. Now I have no reason to go there.
I have no idea how the commenting works there…people refer to things being pink and I don't see anything pink.
And they are a bunch of assholes. I mean we are a bunch of assholes here, but we are usually all firing in the same direction, or thereabouts.
And then there is the lady that manages to turn everything into something racist…
Yes. I know of which lady you speak.
Unlike everything else I've ever been addicted to, my Gawker addiction has just cured itself over the last month with zero effort on my part. It all started with a post about "Cars With Eyes In The Wrong Places" -or something. They're now going for a Cat Bread Head demographic, apparently. Not my scene.
I am so, so happy I never have to look at Gawker again. I'm sure this sentiment has already been expressed 800,000 times, but I don't ever read what you preverts hasta say.
But won't you miss those Blind Items they pick from other sites like the one about the actor who's really gay who's married to a singer who's bisexual who likes threesomes with two of her producers?
OMeffinG! Did you know every famous person is gay and on drugs?
Next thing you know, Slash will rejoin GNR.
The Ban Hammer will Return!
We will be a War Blog again!
The Sleeper has Awoken!
Release the Crackin'!
All hands on dick!
oh, good! finally we can make ginger jokes again.
The Red Menace is back! Yay!
They come for the buttsex,
but then they can never leave…..
Jim, remember all the all that stuff I said when you left? Just kidding.
MG
Hi There, I stopped reading Wonkette when I moved out of the district a really, really long time ago. But, being a Jim Newell Groupie has brought me back. :) I imagine you guys are going to get a few more from the gawkerverse….
Herman Cain heard that women are from Venus and now he's trying to get Newt to build a colony there too!
Let's give him a test to make sure he's the real Jim.
Okay, Newell, explain the origins of Joe Lieberman.
Since you're leaving Gawker, does that mean she's dying?
Retro futurism.
(Yes, I dusted off my commenting account for this.)
I'll turn off ad-block just for him !
This makes me very happy!
Today we are all Gingers.
YES! I've defected from Gawker JUST to follow Jim.
I'll be preparing by re-counting my gold coins and revisiting my stash of Ron Paul newsletters–those things really are timeless.
Oh, fine, sure, swell, Mr. Newell (if that's even your real name!), just saunter back whenever you feel the urge, when your fancy new commenters turn on you and there's no place to call home, sure, come back, return of the prodigal poster, kill the fatheaded calf, we'll be here, waiting, hoping and wondering and waiting like the silly little fools we are! Just don't break my heart again Jim! I couldn't bear it!
They all return to the scene of the crime.
As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly (Prov. 26:11)
See! It was ordained in Scripture!
Wait, is this a sign of the Rapture (TM)?
Psst!! The Rapture was sooo last year – it was cool and all, but it's over now so try to keep up… k thx bye!
Can we bring back Sara Benincasa, too – I miss spelunking in her cleavage.
There is no possible way, barring Ed McMahon's corpse showing up at my house with a large fake check, that I could get any better news today. Amen and pass the biscuits!
/////Ding Dong//////
mmmmmmm….biscuits.
YES! This is literally the only good news I have heard all day. And, it absolutely made having a shitty rest of the day worth it!
In a way, it's like he never left.
Like that time I found some leftover weed that I totally forgot about.
Also like that time we got a new President and he kept doing the same shit the old one did.
I haven't commented since the upgrade to Intense Debate (or whatever it is, sounds hot though). In honor of Newell's return, I will stop trolling (men's rooms) and start commenting again. Welcome back Newell!
Love,
Not Larry Craig
OMG OMG OMG. This is the best news EVER! Jim was being wasted over at Gawker.
While we’re at it, I’d also like a pony. (For lunch.)
He's not dead. Jim.
YAY!!!!!!!!! Welcome back! Now I don't have to make an extra trip to Gawker to read you.
<bursts into song>
♪♫ The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of New-well!!! ♬
Gawker's loss our gain, time to tap a virtual keg and set the Ron Paul blimp on fire or something to celebrate!
This is when the long knives come out.
If I was Jack Steuf, I'd be PISSED!! Passed over for a reprise cameo by an older, more faded, chunkier ginger! After all the shit stories that Ken sicced Jackie on! Who's a tart got to fuck to get some respect around here?
All of 'em, Katie!
Jack, is that you?
can we get the 'r' word back too?
Shhhhh . . .
Welcome back Jim!
I like Jim Newell's writing, I will say, in an unqualified statement of support.
NewellPac™® thanks you!
Young man, don't forget to roll over your 401(k).
This is bad news for Peggy Noonan. But great news for the rest of us!
will we be able to type retard again?
Rolls off the tongue, retard..
aaaaand kaboom
So, apparently the word "retar@@d" is what's still banned.
So say we all.
From Gawker – Wonkette Bookmarked!
Gawker lost Jim, Wonkette just gained my readership. Bad move Gawker, bad move.
And I feel fine.
haha key-tinkler for the lobsterbacks haha
this is a good day
Newell vs Noonington: this time, it's personal. (Very Happy!)
That boy ain't right.
Who's Jim Newell?
please Ban-hammer anyone who says "all of them Katie", there I said it.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo.
Jim Newell: Sweet jebus this is a good day, A good day!
I was hoping for Maureen Dowd, Peggy Noonan or maybe Thomas Friedman. Oh well guess we'll have to make do…
Finally, I will be getting my money's worth from Wonkette!
I've dusted off my commenting account, now hit me with the posts.
Welcome home!
It's gonna take heroic effort to sandblast the taint of Gawker off him, but we'll be happy to do it.
Ironically, I've heard that working at Gawker is like getting your taint sandblasted.
Gah! That mental image made me clench.
There goes the neighborhood.
"Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back……………."
Bah. Newell can't commit. Just ask our children.
See, meth addiction rarely works out well.
Welcome back, Jim! Now I don't have to hang out with New Yorkers to read your posts!
Fuck yeah!
Everybody drink!
Glad you're back Jim. Here you go.. .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v78-ftcqpNw
Ken is this just a red hairing?
Where can we send the congratulatory Carvel ice cream cake? Cookie Pus couldn't be prouder.
I think I've got everything I need. I am ready.
Warning, snark-free comment ahead: that is fucking fabulous! Love it!
2012 Convention Road-Trip??
A red head? Whoo hoo!
I am chastened.
The editor wanted something on how cats are bred, and this is what s/he got.
I think his exact instructions were: "Let's keep it light and irrelevant."
I see the light and will now worship your Goddess. Spare this humble apostate!Although I really prefer calicos.
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