Everybody Please Prepare To Have Jim Newell Back At Wonkette, Next Week

  important announcements regarding your wonkette

HOORAY!

That is what your semi-managing editor has to say about this important news, from your beloved past-and-future Wonkette typing monster of Capitol Hill, Jim Newell:

An Important Announcement Regarding Your Gawker Political Desk: Goodbye

Tuesday greetings from the Gawker Political Desk! We have some news: This will be the last post for its main political writer, me.

[...]

I am leaving to fulfill my lifelong dream: Building a golden shrine to our nation’s Romulus and Remus of the future, Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain, in the Secret Forest. It’s an option, at least. (No.)

Where you’ll find me now: Next week I’m going to be guest-blogging with my good friend Ken Layne and his staff at Wonkette, the first Gawker Media site that hired me to write about politics in 2007. It’s going to be fun. I’m hoping to contribute more to The Guardian’s US site. I have a lengthy piece that will appear in next month’s relaunch edition of The Baffler about my experience in a high school monetary policy competition. (Seriously.)

So, now that our late-night gmail conversations are public knowledge, Wonkette is very happy to announce that Jim Newell is Wonkette’s new Senior Editor at Large or whatever title we are making up, and you can expect to see his vicious and insightful prose right here, starting next week, again, and hopefully continuing on whatever level we can keep him contributing, until the End of the World, may God Have Mercy On Us All.

Fag.Welcome back, Newell. We have missed you a lot.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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261 comments

    1. Limeylizzie

      SorosBot is a Ginger? Oh my Goodness, I have quite a history with your people, my first love was a dark ginger with brown eyes and MrLimeyLizzie was a Ginger, he is now completely white except for…well…you know.

  1. memzilla

    Barkeep! One Peggingtonshire Special, two olives — shaken, not stirred, please. And Vicodin on the side.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Can you put him on the morning shift, Ken? I think the present staff are narcoleptics or slug-a-beds.

    1. HistoriCat

      Shit – if we want the morning shift, then we need Sarah K. Smith back. In his previous goodbye post Jim acknowledged that Sarah was doing the early heavy lifting even though she was an hour behind him.

      Damnit baby toddler Smith – you need to start sharing your mama!

      1. DaRooster

        Being on the West Coast I usually find myself watching Stewart and Colbert going,"When the fuck is Wonkette gonna wake up? They are east of here right?"

  3. paris biltong

    Well, we were puny then, we're kind of huge now. Five thousand views and one thousand comments was something unheard of when he was in charge. And there were no p's. Those were the days.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The joy of Jim returning is only slightly lessen by the knowledge that you usually wear panties.

  4. actor212

    So, now that our late-night gmail conversations are public knowledge

    I bet you would have landed him sooner if you hadn't asked "So…what are you wearing?"

  5. KotBR

    Will he tell us about that time Denton tied him to a chair until he pounded out 2,000 words on Newt's affairs?

      1. Limeylizzie

        Haven't heard a peep, it went well but these things are so random, I try to forget it even happened!

      1. SorosBot

        My apartment gets too cold this time of year to comment naked; I do at least need my underwear and a t-shirt.

  6. north_of_moscow

    Will this comeback include the requisite training montage? I want to see Jim chop wood and outsmart his KGB handlers and run through the snow to a mountaintop and shout "Noonan!"

    1. CapnFatback

      No, this is the world's largest circle, jerk.*

      *Forgive the insult. And the pun. Just forgive my life, really. Please?

      1. Iam_Who_Iam

        I suppose it really isn't my place, but I forgive you anyhow. I love all the random links our Wonkettes share, I always learn and laugh so much (frequently simultaneously). I must of been living under some Wonkette political rock for the last few years as I hadn't been aware of that amazing bit of art(?) before.

    2. CapnFatback

      I just saw that you edited your comment to read "best" instead of "largest" before I replied, thus rendering my ha-ha into huh-huh? Well played.

  7. chascates

    Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES! Newell RULES!

  8. Indiepalin

    Great. If you're interested, I have these two jokes for sale:

    Tonto, blow me pronto

    and

    Kimosabe, bite my lobbie

    These are sold only as a set. Five bucks. Thank you.

    1. G. Friday

      So just step sideways from this place, today…Just step outside this grubby place, today (kazoo solo).

    2. Ken Layne

      Considering that Newell hasn't left his Capitol Hill rat house since 2008, I am guessing there are not a whole lot of "steps" involved, unless you're talking about the steps behind his kitchen, where he smokes his repulsive cigarettes.

      1. qwerty42

        …where he smokes his repulsive cigarettes.
        Now Ken, be nice. Besides, weren't you a press guy? They used to smoke like chimneys.

      2. Man0nTheStreet

        But he's been using the cig butts to build a new room onto his hovel – you know, American ingenuity and all that…

  9. SayItWithWookies

    It'll be good to see Newell's stuff at a site that isn't blocked from my office. Um — on those rare occasions I go online at work, that is.

    1. qwerty42

      Oh, if only. This will be the season of teh krazi, so the whole Wonkette staff will have to be on their toes.
      So, who will be on the crack blogging team in Tampa and Charlotte?

        1. V572 the Merciless

          That was definitely the low point. Animals are wonderful and adorable, but don't deserve to be worshipped.

          1. DustBowlBlues

            Worship what you will, including animals, but remember to insert the funny in between fuzzy-wuzzy bear posts.

          2. V572 the Merciless

            I see the light and will now worship your Goddess. Spare this humble apostate!Although I really prefer calicos.

  10. vulpes82

    Hooray! Those Gawker commenters never appreciated you, Jim. Not the way we do!

    Now, get to writing a Dame Nooningtonshire piece, pronto! Dance, monkey, dance!

    1. Quantum Suicide

      I appreciated him! So much so that I've defected–I'm sure there will be more coming annnny minute now. Like, hundreds. THOUSANDS even.

  11. qwerty42

    Jim!
    Welcome back. I left a post in response to your exit on Gawker, and am happy to see you back here.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    You know who else went away for a little while, only to return to great success on the political scene? (It would be even better if Newell had written a book about His Struggle while he was gone).

  13. whiskeybaby

    Hooray, Newell returns!!!! I predict 300% more posts that mention space rats. I've missed the space rats.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Ha! He fled the country already. Srsly, he's over in Czechoslovakia teaching English.

      But agreeing, he is missed here. Myself in particular, I wish for more international-scene updates..

      1. Man0nTheStreet

        "He fled the country already. Srsly, he's over in Czechoslovakia… "

        Hiding from Reichfart's personal boy-grabbers, while pretending to teach Czech to the Slovaks and vice-versa…

  14. vodkamuppet

    Hear hear indeed. Got so sick of wading through the idiotic Real Housewives recaps to find Jim's posts. And their commenters are terrible. Welcome back!

      1. vodkamuppet

        I pretty much quit after the redesign a year ago. I'd still go check out Newell but that's really it. Now I have no reason to go there.

        1. Crank_Tango

          I have no idea how the commenting works there…people refer to things being pink and I don't see anything pink.

          And they are a bunch of assholes. I mean we are a bunch of assholes here, but we are usually all firing in the same direction, or thereabouts.

          And then there is the lady that manages to turn everything into something racist…

          1. Designer_Rants

            Yes. I know of which lady you speak.

            Unlike everything else I've ever been addicted to, my Gawker addiction has just cured itself over the last month with zero effort on my part. It all started with a post about "Cars With Eyes In The Wrong Places" -or something. They're now going for a Cat Bread Head demographic, apparently. Not my scene.

  15. satyricrash

    I am so, so happy I never have to look at Gawker again. I'm sure this sentiment has already been expressed 800,000 times, but I don't ever read what you preverts hasta say.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      But won't you miss those Blind Items they pick from other sites like the one about the actor who's really gay who's married to a singer who's bisexual who likes threesomes with two of her producers?

  16. amarain824

    Hi There, I stopped reading Wonkette when I moved out of the district a really, really long time ago. But, being a Jim Newell Groupie has brought me back. :) I imagine you guys are going to get a few more from the gawkerverse….

  17. ChernobylSoup

    Let's give him a test to make sure he's the real Jim.

    Okay, Newell, explain the origins of Joe Lieberman.

  18. Quantum Suicide

    YES! I've defected from Gawker JUST to follow Jim.

    I'll be preparing by re-counting my gold coins and revisiting my stash of Ron Paul newsletters–those things really are timeless.

  19. SenileAgitation

    Oh, fine, sure, swell, Mr. Newell (if that's even your real name!), just saunter back whenever you feel the urge, when your fancy new commenters turn on you and there's no place to call home, sure, come back, return of the prodigal poster, kill the fatheaded calf, we'll be here, waiting, hoping and wondering and waiting like the silly little fools we are! Just don't break my heart again Jim! I couldn't bear it!

  20. CrankyLttlCamperette

    As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly (Prov. 26:11)

    See! It was ordained in Scripture!

    Wait, is this a sign of the Rapture (TM)?

    1. Man0nTheStreet

      Psst!! The Rapture was sooo last year – it was cool and all, but it's over now so try to keep up… k thx bye!

  21. TinyDespot

    There is no possible way, barring Ed McMahon's corpse showing up at my house with a large fake check, that I could get any better news today. Amen and pass the biscuits!

  22. Jerri

    YES! This is literally the only good news I have heard all day. And, it absolutely made having a shitty rest of the day worth it!

  23. Sharkey

    In a way, it's like he never left.

    Like that time I found some leftover weed that I totally forgot about.

    Also like that time we got a new President and he kept doing the same shit the old one did.

  24. TheWidestStance

    I haven't commented since the upgrade to Intense Debate (or whatever it is, sounds hot though). In honor of Newell's return, I will stop trolling (men's rooms) and start commenting again. Welcome back Newell!

    Love,
    Not Larry Craig

  25. Rotundo_

    Gawker's loss our gain, time to tap a virtual keg and set the Ron Paul blimp on fire or something to celebrate!

  26. Veritas78

    If I was Jack Steuf, I'd be PISSED!! Passed over for a reprise cameo by an older, more faded, chunkier ginger! After all the shit stories that Ken sicced Jackie on! Who's a tart got to fuck to get some respect around here?

  27. ttommyunger

    I was hoping for Maureen Dowd, Peggy Noonan or maybe Thomas Friedman. Oh well guess we'll have to make do…

  28. widestanceshakedown

    It's gonna take heroic effort to sandblast the taint of Gawker off him, but we'll be happy to do it.

Comments are closed.