Hero Virginia state Senator Janet Howell responded to another one of these stoopid bills requiring women seeking an abortion to first undergo a medically pointless ultrasound with a very smart amendment: every man seeking treatment for erectile dysfunction would also by law have to undergo a rectal exam and heart test to get a Viagra prescription. This way, everyone can enjoy the experience of having their nether parts unnecessarily prodded by the cold, uncomfortable indifference of lawmakers’ whims equally. Fair’s fair!
And the amendment ALMOST PASSED the Virginia Senate. It lost by only two votes, 21-19, which is sad.
From CBSDC.com:
On Monday Howell expressed her disdain for legislation requiring the ultrasound by proposing an amendment she described as a simple matter of fairness. Her amendment said that before being treated for erectile dysfunction, a man would have to undergo a digital rectal exam and a cardiac stress test.
“We should just have a little gender equity here,” Howell said.
HEAR HEAR.
Oh Republicans, they are so silly. Could they ever for two seconds quit trying to give these ladies more health care than they need or want and give it to some of the people who can’t get any health care at all? [CBSDC.com]
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Off topic, I love your new kitten pic. (That is a slightly different kitten pic, isn't it?)
Yes, it is. I am trying to impress Jim Newell. Thanks for noticing!
Your prose is so clean and pretty, I'm sure he didn't even need you to clean up like that!
Thanks! I'm not even going to be around though. I am having my clean and pretty prose removed on Wednesday, 2/8.
"Does this kitten make my butt look fat?"
(Or more to the point, does having a pig in my avatar make my butt look fat?)
Since it's a flying pig, it makes you look like an old Pink Floyd album.
"Assume the taxpayer position."
Shame on the VA legislature for NOT passing the Eric Cartman Memorial Anal Probe Act.
The Eric Cantor Memorial Anal Probe Act is actually more fitting…him being such a huge ass and all!
If they did a rectal exam on the guys in the Virginia State Senate, all they'd find up there would be their heads.
A lobbyist or two, as well.
How could you forget the rentboy?!
Cocaine, my lost socks, meth, "contributions" from the Robertson and Falwell mafia families, and bits of Victoria Cobb's fingernails.
EDIT: For those who may not know, Victoria Cobb is head of VA's wonderful Family Foundation, a "pro-family" org. She's besties with James Dobson.
Actually, they'd have to clear out the dicks before they got to their heads.
I think the correct medical term for what these assholes have is Cranial Rectitis.
When did being a pain in the ass and needlessly intrusive become something to turn away from, VA lawmakers?
If they really want to make getting a viagra prescription punitive, the law should force men to watch those idiotic commercials at least 100 times. After that they'll never want to do the nasty with anyone again EVAH.
Make them explain why those two people seem to drag those clawfoot bathtubs outside, to bathe side by side in the sunset.
Cialis has one commercial that shows every woman's fantasy–a man folding laundry.
Well, if you had a 6-hour erection, you’d not just be having a bath outside, but also pitching a tent with a built-in pole.
Well, the one with the guy that jury-rigs the broken line on his sailboat rigging with his backpack strap doesn't annoy me too much. They should make them watch the one with the guy throwing the football through the tire swing. Or the bathtubs on the hilltop. WTF?
I always wondered about that, because totin' two tubs up a mountainside is a surefire way to put out any fire I might have had going in.
Pun intended
So this would differ from the NFL on FOX….how, precisely?
Make 'em watch the old Viagra commercials that Bob Dole did.
Bob Dole approves this comment.
That amendment is so gay!
wait…what?
Slightly OT. It has always been my belief that if men got periods they would have a nationwide, mandatory three days a month of paid menstrual leave.
. . . and abortion would be a sacrament.
At least six days, so as to accommodate some potential spotting.
Six? At least half the month, to cover the PMS and post-syndrome! And chocolate would be government mandated in health insurance.
And free sedatives for the duration.
Nope, they would've fucking figured out a little pill to take every month to make periods feel like getting licked by little fluffy kittens instead of the pain of having your insides clamped together with a wrench while also carrying an extra 5 lbs of water.
Sorry for the rant, severe PMS over in MissTakenland and chocolate is not doing the trick, dammit.
You're absolutely right. All the research money that has gone into curing erectile dysfunction and baldness would have instead gone into curing PMS and by now babies would be grown and nutured until the age of five by robots and periods would be completely unnecessary. Damn, why didn't we think of that? I guess that's why we're women.
Why didn't we think of that?
Oh because we've been a little busy picking up their dirty socks, washing their dirty dishes, and sucking their hairy cocks all while wearing a full face of makeup and having our hair did.
Excuse me, my socks are still on the floor MissTaken. Need the address?
Please forgive the interruption, but here's a geek break:
The two treatments you mention (ED drugs, Baldness meds) were actually accidents. Viagra was originally developed to treat heart conditions (same idea as nitroglycerin tablets), Minoxidil was designed to treat high blood pressure, and Propecia as a prostate treatment. Of course, the pharma companies make far more money off these "side effects" than they ever would from their intended uses.
Of course, Pharma research these days is about 90% focused on "spin offs" of other successful meds, in order to get around the expiration of patents. And the basic research that comes up with truly novel treatments is currently being strangled to death, because it's more important to help Mitt Romney deal with his way too small house.
Sorry for the geek break. Please continue!
"All the research money that has gone into curing erectile dysfunction and baldness would have instead gone into curing PMS and by now babies would be grown and nutured until the age of five by robots and periods would be completely unnecessary"
Also, labor would last for five minutes, max, and no stretch marks ever.
Ouch; hope that's over with and you feel better soon.
:(
Would a massage from your best gay help any, love?
A massage is always welcome!
Every sofa would look like a crime scene.
And some of them would say "I just don't trust anything that can't bleed five days without dying."
My ex was sort of a backwards sort of gal…
She was nice two days out of every month.
The stress test was a deal-breaker.
In fairness, they just continued the buttscope all the way up.
Simpler.
Actually, it was another anal exam. With no lube.
I was wondering if the stress test was related to how much stress their rectum could handle before they wrecked 'em.
"a man would have to undergo a digital rectal exam"
I know several fellows who would say "You say that like it's a bad thing."
That's one way to put the finger on the issue.
Baldar T's always keeps his finger on the pulse and whatnot. "An informed man is a man in form," he always says, he does…
Every closet-case Christian conservative in the VA congress just enjoyed some Viagra-free wood for the first time since 1993.
Seriously, this was the only bill I got excited about.
Those 21 VA Senators better be ready for the flurry of negative advertising from the Proctologist Ass Master Super PAC
“Every man seeking treatment for erectile dysfunction would also by law have to undergo a rectal exam”
I don’t even let people point at me.
OK, that seriously made me laugh.
As above. An acutal, not virtual, choke and snicker.
Very, very good.
"I don't even like people wagging their finger in my FACE!" — Tony Soprano
I'm sure the men folk will balk at this idea and take it all the way to the Supreme Court. I can't wait to hear the results of Rectum v KilledHim.
Made my day.
A penetrating insight.
Rectum? I hardly knew him!
Minor? I hardly know her!
PEDOBEAR LIBEL
Harassment? Her ass meant nothing to me, I was staring at her tits!
With an amicus curiae brief by Wilma Fingerdo.
Hey it's required for all Alien Abductions.
Gender equality and on-shoring jobs? Win-win in VA!
I don't know why our state Republicans voted this down — Virginia's biggest assholes should easily be able to handle such a provision.
I know a few people who would like to probe Ken Cuccinelli and not with fingers either.
Stacey Campfield?
I read "Anal" in the headline, but the post is surprisingly not about Santorum. Thank you, Wonkette!
Could they ever for two seconds quit trying to give these ladies more health care than they need or want and give it to some of the people who can’t get any health care at all?
But Kirsten! Think of all the OB-GYNs who can't practice their love! Why do you want to make them go out of business?
This new addition to the bill would've been a job creator, too!
This lady is from Fairfax. Do you all see now why many people don't consider Northern Virginia to actually be a part OF Virginia?
If bits of Virginia keep breaking off once a century or so, there won't be any left!
EDIT: the rump (hah!) state can call itself "East Kentucky."
"Virgina is for Anal Exam Lovers."
Rectal exam on an abortion bill….You got santorum on my fetus. You got fetus on my santorum.
Mmmm, Feece's Penis Sputter Cups!!!
Well played.
Nice setup. Sometimes they just write themselves.
I slow piched it in there expecting some one to knock it over the fence but that was some Willie Stargell hitting.
I nominate this as winning the day.
Talk about taking both sides.
"before being treated for erectile dysfunction, a man would have to undergo a digital rectal exam and a cardiac stress test."
That just makes too much medical sense. Old men are popping those pills like crazy and frankly they should have to have some level of physical exam before engaging in that type of play.
Might even prevent some unwanted pregnancies ~ win win all around.
Rectal exams are okay, but I was thinking more along the lines of forcing kidney donations.
Janet Howell should be the next Speaker of the House in DC. That's some pretty funny shit, right there.
Just when you think all the good snark is here, someone goes and does something like this.
The moment I heard this story I thought "this totally belongs on Wonkette".
My far-right Catholic friend (TM) is arguing about this online right now. Apparently it actually helps women because it makes them understanding what they're doing, like when he saw an x-ray before getting his wisdom teeth removed! I'm not making this up.
"Women are devices created for our amusement by the Lord Jesus Christ." -Catholic theologian Peter Griffin
Hey, would you do me a favor? Can you smack that person for me, maybe with a 2×4? Oh thanks.
Aww, you didn't even have to ask!
Seriously, if it helps, I did drive him into a tizzy with the ol' "If you really think abortion is murder, then how long should the woman's prison sentence be?" question. He still doesn't get the point and undoubtedly never will, but it makes me feel a little better.
"Women are devices created for our amusement by the Lord Jesus Christ." -Catholic theologian Peter Griffin
"But boys are more fun!" ~ Pope Benedict XVI
Triple like.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress them like an altar boy.
Yeah, women never examine our big choices. Or revisit them. Or obsess about them. Or stew endlessly over them, losing sleep, developing TMJ and becoming depressed.
Nope. We're just blissfully ignurnt just like The Good Lord made us. Thank fuck for caring white men who write laws like this, to save us from making huge decisions without reflection.
It’s become kind of a stock response by pro-choicers, but that’s why I really like the “If you really think abortion is murder, then how long should the woman’s prison sentence be?” question. It just elegantly exposes how much the “pro-life” movement is really more about dusty paternalist notions about women and sex than about OMG the fetus has fingerprints!!!!1!!1!!
It's become kind of a stock response by pro-choicers, but that's why I really like the "If you really think abortion is murder, then how long should the woman's prison sentence be?" question. It just elegantly exposes how much the "pro-life" movement is really more about dusty paternalist notions about women and sex than about OMG the fetus has fingerprints!!!!1!!1!!
Next they'll be claiming that fetuses are capable of saying "Mama" while still in the womb.
I still remember, many years ago, hearing a comedian say, "I don't care if the fetus has a diary. Get it the fuck out of there!" It's the type of candor I wish more pro-choice politicians would use.
I like to suggest that we pass a law forcing them to donate a kidney. After all, someone who needs a kidney transplant is a PERSON, a LIVING HUMAN BEING, and the donor can live with just one kidney, so if they don't want to donate it, they're just being selfish and thinking of nothing but their own convenience, amirite?
It's true. We just run around having abortions willy nilly because thinking about it would hurt our pretty little heads.
I just love having abortions!! I usually have eight or nine abortions a year, and then throw a party afterwards where I pass a snack tray of bacon-wrapped fetus canapes and have sex with everybody there, so I can get pregnant and have another abortion as soon as possible.
Can I come? For the sex and bacon wrapped larval humans?
then why do they molest boys??
I hereby nominate State Senator Janet Howell for the Hero of the Soviet Union medal and also as a our representative to the Vatican.
Secret tunnel libel!
"and a cardiac stress test."
This is good news for the Virginia Funeral Directors Association.
I guess I just don't understand politics anymore. I would have thought the Teapublicans would have been the ones demanding digital rectal exams, and denying women medical procedures to save on health care expenses. It's an upside down world I tell ya!
Cue the sound of every Republican lawmaker in VA clenching their asshole. Oh, what? No, nothing to do with this proposed legislation. It's just something they enjoy doing.
You must have gotten this info from some of the rent boys here in Richmond.
I understand it's an effective way to goodbye depression:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Good-bye-Depression-Con…
Digital rectal exam? I know of an extended digit in AZ that could be used for digital rectal exams. All of them,
KatieJanet.I don't think she could do it. She's so brittle, her fingers would just break off.
I was hoping that Elizabeth Warren would be our first female President. Now I think that I want Janet Howell.
Well, "Free mandatory rectal exams" is certainly a sexier campaign plank than "We'll audit the banks."
Warren/Howell 2016!
Warren/Howell 2016…love it!
Sen. Jill Vogel, R-Fauquier and the chief sponsor of the ultrasound bill, countered that erectile dysfunction and pregnancy clearly are not the same.
Right. Because a penis has absolutely ZERO to do with getting a woman preggers.
Soft penis = womb cleanest.
Vogel also pointed out that Mt Everest and a rutabaga are clearly not the same.
Cue Zappa.
Right; because forced pregnancy can ruin a woman's life, while an old being unable to get it up is just denied pleasure; control of one's own body is a fundamental right in a way that boner pills aren't.
"because forced pregnancy can ruin a woman's life, which is the punishment that the dirty whore deserves; while an old being unable to get it up is just denied pleasure, which is a terrible, horrible tragedy"
ftfy
What a pain in the ass she is!
At least they're addressing this issue head-on.
FUCKING! FUCKING WITH COCKS UP ASS HOLES!!!!!!
(now that I read that again it really wasn't as good as a double entendre as the both of yours)
I think it should be law for anyone seeking a Viagra prescription to be laughed at publicly at the pharmacy.
"Who's got the pox?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5xFwqS9s_Q
Surprise, surprise, surprise! That ain't my finger either!
Virginia is for buggerers.
Rectal exams are people too, my friend!
If you want to make you penis erect in defiance of god's plan you need some extra tests at your own expense. It will help you understand the risk you are taking with your life all for a boner.
Requiring rectal exams for Virginia state legislators is not a bad idea.
Yes Senator….It IS your head up there.
For some reason, this reminds me of the old SNL skit:
Bob Dole has a new book out: The Joys of Viagra
In a related note, Elizabeth Dole has a new book: The Horrors of Viagra
Oh, that blue light is callin'me…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaGb0m7W1Q0&fe…
If they'd just combined this proposal with the process of going through security at airports, it would have been totally win-win for those proponents of effective government.
Men should TOTALLY have to get a rectal exam, heart stress test, and a vision test (just because) before getting a prescription for viagra, because I TOTALLY do not trust men to carefully weigh the potential side effects and risks and their own personal situation and factors before making an informed decision with their doctor about what is right for them, in their lives.
Although, when it comes to boners and sexxxy times, that may be a fair statement.
Redhead:
Is that a vision test with or without beer goggles?
Shorter: God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to use one at a time.
Are you saying they should get a blood test before they get the Viagra too?
On the day male rectal exams become the law of the land, you can expect every single man in the GOP to call in sick that day.
And of course, they would have to get a second opinion right away.
"you can expect every single man in the GOP to call in sick that day"
But not the married ones?
Anal polyps are people my friends. Wait I got that one backwards…
"My friends are anal polyps, people"? Was that it?
Virginia ass, meet Dr. Finger.
When anal probes are outlawed, only outlaws will have anal probes.
It doesn't count unless the doc's wrist is entirely enveloped. Then it's fair. Why YES, I have had a vaginal ultrasound. And I want you to make sure his bladder is full to the brim. Aaaannnnd, hold it… Keep holding… Only 20 minutes to go…
Can't they just get the records from the airports?
These are the kind of hard issues facing the nation that we need to address. No, wait, the face is on the other end.
The most depressing thing is when you get that 5-pack of Viagra samples from your doctor, and by the time you have a chance to use one, the fuckers have gone past their use-by date.
Fair's fair – so have I
The pills or the women?
Same thing with that condom I've been carrying in my wallet since 1974.
Needz moar Male Urethral Stent Catheterization
http://www.medicalvideos.us/play.php?vid=548
Oh my fucking God, I knew I should never have clicked on that! I don't even have a penis so that made my vagina pucker up something awful.
Tell me more.
Don't be a sourpuss!
Lizzie, I didn't even click on the link, and I'm all clenched up. I itch under my fingernails when I even see the word "catheterrization".
I lasted 16 seconds. That "clank!" sound you heard was my ladypart slamming shut.
I had a prostate exam….It wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped
Imagine my surprise when they found Jimmy Hoffa during my exam.
Hey Doc, why don't you take off that Super Bowl ring first?
Next time, don't play so hard-to-get – live a little!
LOL!
Bend over state reps…I'll drive.
In my Navy days, we called that a "stern shot."
ED treatments should only be for MARRIED men. Under the Teatard view of things, you only need an erection to procreate man and woman style, right? And a man only gets the prescription if the wife is present at the time of the consultation to consent to the treatment as well. How is that for adding equality!!
Continuing that line of thinking: no little blue pills for those married to women who have gone through menopause, right?
Exactly. Would probably cut down on the hanky panky on Capital Hill too.
But that's when you're allowed to trade-in the old wife – it's called "The Gingrich Rule"…
The colon that is swollen has the poo that is true.
VTP:
Nice "Dog Soldiers" reference right there! Did you ever think that book is the flipside of "The Electric Koo-Aid Acid Test?"
Go, VinnyThePooh! Another Danny Kaye fan.
The weeny that is teeny parts the robe for the probe.
Your Eminence?
I've had a lot of colonoscopies. Now I kind of look forward to the drugs. Boy, those are great drugs. And the big lunch after, too.
Any chance of a similar amendment being slipped in (heh!) by the House?
Calling U-Haul right now. I'm heading to Virginee!
You and Lindsay Graham.
I wonder if Janet Howell would have my baby?
Too soon?
I would like her to have my abortion.
Sad that someone could write in defense of killing babies, without ever mentioning babies.
With the number of closeted republican lawmakers, you'd think a little anal play with the cover of a doctor's visit would be welcome.
I want to move back to Fairfax so I can vote for this heroic senator.
Janet Howell for Queen of Wonkettia!
WHEREASS….
Pretty soon, in Florida, women seeking abortion will have to go to Tallaha asses and kiss everyone of those Republican rings. Best of all there are Republican women who would love to do that. They voted for these Neanderthals. Suck a cock instead Bitches of the GOP.
Hmm, the legislature shot it down. She will have to try again, re-introduce it as a prerequisite to being able to get a gun license. That will make them happy, sera-ce pas?
I swear to God, when I got to the part about the vote, I read it as, "It lost by only two inches…"
You've been hanging out on Wonkette too long, my friend.
You Virginia Gentlemen can expect a little visit from the Prostate Czech!
http://theprostateczech.com/
"a man would have to undergo a digital rectal exam"
Trust me – it's better than the analog rectal exam.
I was just going to say that digital is just one finger, but analog could be a Louisville Slugger with spikes through it.
Analog is ok, as long as the vacuum-tube doesn't shatter in there.
How about every stupid person undergoes a lobotomy. Those will be some long lines.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!
It's simple; if a woman getting pregnant is god's will and she should be made to go through with it, then an old man no longer being able to get his dick hard is also god's will, and any attempt to make his dick hard unnaturally is a sin and must be banned.
Win for the day, SB! God obviously doesn’t want old men to get hard-ons for a reason. Who are we to question God?
That would be correct, if men were not inherently superior to women, hennngh.
All Virginia state legislators should be required to be tested for rectal-cranial inversion before taking their seats.
The General Assembly would be almost totally empty.
I think we also need a gum tissue exam (immediately following the anal exam) rider.
Dr. Longfinger approves this legislation.
The American Association of Proctology strongly favors this proposal.
Strenuously upfists it, you mean.
You had me at "anal exam".
I'm cool with the rectal exam but not digital. They should have to get the speculum just like the ladies do. An ice cold, surgical steel speculum, cranked all the way open. Don't really care about the cardiac stress test though, let 'em drop dead in mid fuck for all I care. Then their wives can sue for malpractice.
Mid-fuck, the perfect exit; preferably on the up-stroke, thereby giving two more extra strokes: one when you collapse and another when the paramedics pull your body off.
who pays for the ultrasound?
"And the amendment ALMOST PASSED the Virginia Senate. It lost by only two votes, 21-19"
If only Stacey Camp could have voted in favor of this.
And just how many upfists does this exam deserve, Senator?
So, which of the Republicans were brave enough to cross the aisle for hot male anal exam action?
Definitely, not all of them, Katie, but it seems quite a few.
Yes, the very idea of extra ass-play was nearly enough to get this piece of Legislation passed (no pun intended) in this tightly closeted crowd.
I assume the Democratic Republic of Virginia will pay for these ultrasound tests. Because no Rethuglican would ever force anybody to pay for health care that they don't want.
This is just another example of government intrusion into our daily lives! First unnecessary ultrasounds for an abortion, now cardiac exams for Viagra – where will the government of Virginia invade next? . . . Oooohhhh . . .
Aaanddd, it passes. From the AP: "But Sen. Ralph Northam, D-Norfolk and a pediatric neurologist, said… “The test is not always necessary, it’s very costly and the last thing we need is government telling physicians how to practice medicine,” he said. He also said it’s unethical to force patients to have a diagnostic test against their will, and mandating a test that costs hundreds of dollars “is flying in the face of what we’re trying to do to get costs under control.”
Under Vogel’s bill, women who live less than 100 miles from where the abortion is performed would have to wait at least 24 hours after the ultrasound before getting the abortion except in the event of a medical emergency. Women who travel 100 miles or more would wait only two hours."
But we don't want no gubmint mandated Obamacare, nosireebob! Thomas Jefferson and James Madison are rolling in their graves today.
Rachel showed this on her show, tonight. It's quite apparent that she follows Wonkette daily.
Hi Rachel! **waves**
For all the cut funding to women's choice I believe this woman is on the right track… where's the petition?? This needs to be addressed by everyone who is pro-choice. I personally do not believe in abortion, but I'm not going to cram my views on anyone. We all have to make decisions, let the men make a few now.
You are and will be in our thoughts. That alone, might be uncomfortable..
I guess you'll be all poetry, then.
A prosectomy? Using a prosecco?
Barb U the BEST ter us here at Wonkette!
Sorry for the additional pain.
Good thoughts for you, and I'm sure it will go fine.
Oh my GOD! I just yodeled Diet Pepsi out of my nose, thanks!
Watch out, MT … he sounds like a sox fiend.
Only if you ask that question in the voice of Morbo from "Futurama".
Well, I am old…
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