It is a very exciting time in Florida, for the elderly right-wing Cubans and elderly moderate-Republican condo dwellers and the middle-aged anger bears driving around in their nearly repo’d giant pickups hoping for a devastating hurricane so they can do some construction again. Florida! It’s a lot like the United States, but even scuzzier and scammier and tackier. It is America to the Limit! Mitt Romney is going to win, the pollsters say, because the elderly moderate-Republican condo dwellers outnumber the elderly right-wing Cubans and the Truck Nutz rednecks driving around with clenched teeth and clenched sphincters while fuming along to the Rush Limbaugh AM radio program. Yay, democracy.
Gingrich, a corrupt and delusional millionaire toad who waddles around shrieking into microphones about people being unfair to him, is seen for exactly what he is by 52% of Florida voters: a crook. Romney, a more polite plutocrat, has had accusations about his decades of corporate raiding and job destruction bounce off like raindrops on whatever chemical coating protects his dyed hair.
So how is the Newt taking the news that Romney will “win decisively” and take Florida’s 50 delegates? Oh, the usual way:
“This is a long way from being over,” he said, as he shook hands and took pictures with voters after they cast ballots at the First Baptist Church of Windermere. “I’d say June or July unless Romney drops out earlier.”
Democrats enjoy this fantasy too! [CBS News/Los Angeles Times]
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Newt wins the morally bankrupt vote for sure.
Isn't that the entire (R) voting bloc?
I want to go to Florida and visit with your parents. I will take them out to dinner and then we can go vote for Mr & Mrs Gingrich, aka Newtie and the Blowfish.
They'd enjoy that, considering every conversation I have with them starts with "When are you coming to Florida again?"
I know what you mean, every time Jeff's mom gets a chance she will ask, "when are you coming home?" (to Michigan) Yeah, that's what we save the frequent flyer miles for, a chance to go to the frozen tundra.
Where do my future-in-laws live in Florida? Victoria lives there and she wants me to come there in June and I need to rent a beach house or something.
Chad 2012!
Hanging or Ochocinco?
I believe a "Chad" is that douchbag ex-frat boy who "works in finance" and wears a lot of brown flip flops. He can often be heard saying things like, "Check out her tits, Bro!" or "Fuckin' Redskins," or even, "Yeah, I fuckin' voted for DeMint, Bro!"
MMW:
John MacDonald wrote about that kind of guy in several of the Travis McGee novels set in Florida. They were always up to no good. And generally came to bad ends.
and Jeremy? Yesterday's Gone.
Stacey's brother Chad?
No, that's Choad.
"Will Florida Choose the Plutocrat Or the Amoral Jewelry-Debt Piglet?"
Whomever they choose, we all lose.
I'm pretty confident Obama is the real winner of this race.
It's good news for McCain, also.
And once again, Ron Paul is ignored.
Will Florida Choose the Plutocrat Or the Amoral Jewelry-Debt Piglet?
You know, when you put it that way, it just doesn't seem as fun anymore; the thought that there is a possibility that the land that I love considers either worthy of the presidency.
But, they are both nasty fucks and since I do like saying fuck on the internet, let's go with that. Fuck, fuck, fuck….fuck them both.
"the thought that there is a possibility that the land that I love considers either worthy of the presidency.
Well said. (takes drink) Well said.
the thought that there is a possibility that the land that I love considers either worthy of the presidency.
Well, you knew from the start that this country had people with skewed priorities and bad judgement. Look at all the people here who hate hockey.
[But snark aside, yes, every time I think about someone actually believing Gingrich to be a possible president, it I'm in that "does not compute" situation where it's so bizarre that nothing in my experience up until now has prepared me for it. As if I had witnessed a full cattle truck being carried off by a pterodactyl, or giant badgers parachuting from the sky, or Santorum showing genuine, unfeigned care and compassion for the destitute. The thinking part of the brain just says "Hmmm...Shut 'er down boys.... So what do we do now?"]
"As if I had witnessed a full cattle truck being carried off by a pterodactyl, or giant badgers parachuting from the sky…"
Spielberg demands to know who leaked you the animatics for Jurassic Park IV?!
"…a full cattle truck being carried off by a pterodactyl, or giant badgers parachuting from the sky…" Beautiful! Man, if you're getting those images naturally I envy you!
Does Highland Park 12 year old single malt count as "natural"?
That there are people out there – people, humans, like you and me – who think Mitt Romney is intelligent enough to be our president. It floors me.
Even though he's not on the ballet 3% of Palm Beach will vote for Buchanan by mistake.
I would pay cash money to see Buchanan attempt a series of deboulés.
I saw him dance the role of the losing suitor in Giselle. Pathetic.
Wear your glasses this time, you vain fucks!
Not to worry … the Florida Election Commission will determine that these are in fact valid votes for Mitt Romney.
James Buchanan.
Oh, that is so pregnant with win.
Needs more Hurricane Andrews.
Watching this is more fun than jerking off.
Fapping and Gingrich ought not to appear on the same *page* much less implied in the same post.
Try doing both at the same time. Double the pleasure so to speak.
Never one to criticize/judge, but you might want to check your jerking technique. If done correctly, it should be WAY MORE funs than this. But, hey…
Don't use your hook-hand.
Why do you feel you have to choose?
Nap Nap Nap
Oh God I wish I'd thought of this!
You have to be doing one those things wrong.
Yeah, I can't think of much one can do while alone that's more fun than jerking off.
No, no it is not.
And this is in spite of my inability to find decent internet porn as of late.
Then, you're not doing it right, let me tell you.
Floridians really ought to do the right thing and write in Fidel
Knowing Florida they'll manage to figure out a way to fuck it up regardless.
“I’d say June or July unless Romney drops out earlier.”
hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahah……..hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahhaha.
*wiping tear from eye*
That's as rich as Mittens.
I'm trying to fathom how an old man or woman sitting there in a condo for the aged in Deerfield Beach, gumming their blue plate special soup because Medicare don't cover dental, can justify voting for either of these guys. Do they drop a nickle on the counter for Delores, who is supporting four kids and five grandkids on the diner salary, and then go "Dayum! One day I'll be a millionairee! Lemme go vote Ripublikin!"
Sadly, that's pretty close to the thinking that goes on with these people. "If I was to get $20 million dropped into my bank account every year, for not doing squat, I'd sure like to pay only 15% tax on it."
This trumps the lack of health insurance, the refusal of their bank to refinance their 12% mortgage at 5% (despite their perfect record of making payments), and the fact that their grandkids can't go to college because they aren't rich enough. Why? Probably because the president is near.
Yes.
Hey Newt! You just lost Florida, watcha gonna do? " I'm going to Tiffanys!"
He should go to Disneyland. As key exhibit in their new "Hall of Bloated Wankers" ride.
That would be a pretty full exhibit.
Disneyland is like Disney World's neglected, slower sister.
Grandiose delusions are a sign of schizophrenia, but this is the first time I've heard of anyone EMBRACING schizophrenia.
Not since Caligula.
Newt's getting there. After all, he married a Toucan.
I keep tellin' y'all, that's a harpy eagle! Google it, and tell me I'm wrong!
FROOT LOOPS LIBEL!!!
Also of manic-phase bipolar, IIRC. Which might fit better with the womanizing, but who can tell, really.
Still, it's nice to see the Republican party trying to liven things up and give us some variation your run-of the mill antisocial personality disorder.
Also, I'm totally not kidding about the bipolar thing: Gingrich's doodles reminded me pretty strongly of the hand-written tirades we were shown in Abnormal Psych as illustrative of manic episodes.
I take it you weren't paying much attention to Bachmann, then?
America needs a Plutocrat, now more than ever.
And all the Republicans offer are Goofycrats.
No… Newt wants to go to the Moon, not Pluto.
I've seen those people walking around in their trenches coats, muttering to themselves. They are those fanatics that want Pluto returned to its former place as part of our Solar System.
I usually try to cross the street when I see them coming.
None of the Above is running strong.
If only it was on the ballot!
You would think that Newter would be more popular with people who live on a giant dick.
And with the mouth of the rat, Boca Raton, right where the circumcision was made.
Well, I think Callista has a house in Palm Beach, so that might explain her appearance round there.
Oh! You meant the city!
Living in the Dingus, I quite frankly can't wait for this fucking shit to be over. Olds are voting in my building as we speak. All angry and old and protected by the safety net that both of their candidates have vowed to destroy.
I have a demographic theory about that. Children who grew up during the Great Depression saw first-hand the devastation and desperation it wreaked on their parents, neighbors and communities. Those people are dying now. The next generation — basically baby boomers — don't know have that experience. So the safety net isn't as important to them.
Florida Olds have never cared about anything but themselves. How many times have you heard a retired yankee complain "Why should I pay taxes for education? My kids are grown and don't even live in this state!"
As a single with no kids, I could say this too. But I pay my taxes unstintingly, because I don't want to live in a community full of idiots. But I live in Texas, so I guess I'm just throwing that money down a rathole.
I try and use that as well when I argue with the idiots. I don't mind paying taxes for the good of the whole. This usually earns me a creepy one-toothed hate-grin.
I always tell them "Fine. We'll close all the schools, and you won't have to pay taxes. But you know what, all those kids are going to have a LOT of free time on their hands. They'll find something to do to amuse themselves, and I'm almost certain you won't like it."
They certainly won't be learning what its like to work.
I had the misfortune of catching a couple of old interviewed on the news this morning. The man old said "I like what Newt Gingrich stands for". Silence. The woman old said "I know that Mitt Romney would never take my Medicaid away". WTF
It doesn't matter. Cousin John Ellis will tell us.
Pluto/Mouse 2012
So while they are all concentrated in that worthless corner of our country can the President just turn the whole state into a prison like Guantanamo and not let them or any Floridians back to Real Amurrica?
But what about other Americans who want to go to Disney World?
Disney World will be the bait that lures Real Americans in.
Let us out or you'll never see Alan Grayson again!
Alright, but to prove youre one of us you have to spit on a picture of St. Ronnie and touch a Koran without bursting into flames
It'll be sort of like Escape From New York. But with alligators. That sounds awesome.
Lets send Bugs Bunny down to saw it off and set it adrift into the Atlantic Ocean.
Newt lacks sufficient self-awareness to be delusional.
I'm not drunk enough to make sense of that. I'll try again tonight.
You're right, I shouldn't be using Newt-speak to describe The Newtwit. The Newt is clueless not delusional. Better?
Would you prefer a tumor or Alzheimer's disease?
Tumor; definitely the tumor, at least I'd keep my mind.
Tumor, definitely. No frickin way I ever want to start thinking like Reagan and Thatcher.
Alzheimer's. Unless it's a brain tumor, I'd still have to be lucid and aware of this electoral bullshit.
Tumor please…with a side of sleeping pills.
Newt has not yet divorced a wife with Alzheimers.
So many awful diseases that really call for the support of a loving spouse, so little time.
Depends; is the tumor benign or malignant?
At some point they must look around and say "we're joking, right?"
Finally, America's Dingus speaks!
Finally, America's Dingus spurts!
Fixed.
"We will send all the Mexicans from Cuba to the moon!"
Gingrich, a corrupt and delusional millionaire toad who waddles around shrieking into microphones about people being unfair to him, is seen for exactly what he is by 52% of Florida voters: a crook.
Yaaay!! Viagra and diamond earrings for everyone!!
If 52% know a crook when they see one, how did they elect Rick Scott?
I think these guys will have plenty of time to refine their message between now and 2016.
I wonder who Florida's voters are picking to win Sunday's big tilt.
Retired New Yorkers? I can't imagine.
Personally, I take solace in the knowledge that if either of them win the Presidency, Florida will pretty much get what it deserves.
The Villages will bill themselves as "oceanfront" and carry on.
Hmmm – that will really cut down on the time it takes me to get to the beach.
Yeah fine … but why the fuck should we get what they deserve?
Like a tag on fark?
Who has the all-important Katherine Harris endorsement?
Mitts/Tits 2012
Well, Newt got the all-important Katherine Harris front seat blowjob. David Brooks hasn't yet ruled on whether that translates into an endorsement or not.
Dubya, still, I'm afraid. Really, once you get stuck on stupid, that's pretty much it.
Needz moar Del Boca Vista Phase 2
That's awesome, it works any way: Boca Del Vista, Vista Del Boca etc. I want to live in such a place!
This when I just read that Mr. Pitt just died; sad.
Brad Pitt died? Damn, I got that email last week, but I didn't click on the "click here for details" link. I thought it was spam.
Im voting for the asshole. (i know right , confusing isn't it)
One of my co-workers just asked me if "I've voted". I responded, "I don't vote for Republicans", then he said, "Anyone's better than the trained seal that's in there now", to which I said, "yeah, it was good those seals WERE trained and we have a POTUS who had the nuts to deploy them". He has since run away. This won't end well. Sigh.
You are my new hero*.
__________________________
* previous hero = guy who said "I wonder if you can put porn on the internet"
At least you got him to run away.
"This will not end well."
Which is why I avoid political discussions at work. I know I would get myself in trouble. Kudos to you.
I avoid them like the plague, but as Chet points out below, asshole started it, I was just being honest.
Well, I can't claim any particular bravery myself; being one of the few blacks at my office, people never start any Wingutty conversations with me. And the younger people I do talk with about politics know how the shit is rigged.
Good for you! If your co-worker wingtards start the shit, you should not hesitate to unload on them. If they don't want to hear liberals, they should keep the toilet lid shut on their personal politics.
I'm going to log out over and over again and continue to upfist this.
+1 for a concise summary of the He Who Smelt It, Dealt It Principle.
Well done my friend.
I had the same thing happen the day of the Iowa Caucus. Someone asked me if I was going to vote and I responded that there was no reason to, my candidate was running unopposed.
It was met with a "Oh, you're one of those." So I inquired as to one of what?
The conversation came to a screeching halt.
oh freakish, rock on. as a loud mouth liberal actor type no one dares say this shit in front of me.
but i live for the day, because…
well, loud mouth actor type.
"Florida! It’s a lot like the United States, but even scuzzier and scammier and tackier."
Damn straight!
I have to say though, local republicans are looking pretty hang-dog. Last election McCain/Palin yard signs outnumbered Lexus SUVs in my swanky neighborhood three to one.. This time? I think one guy has a Romney sign, and he only put it up two days ago. I bet if I drive by my polling place there will be no line, and the people walking in to vote will look like they're marching to their own execution.
There is zero energy about this primary where I live. Not that there's ever much energy about anything, mind you, but this is bad. I'll be really curious to see what kind of turnout they get. That alone could be the predictor for the general election
Sorry for the snark-free comment.
Whee! Fingers crossed!
On the CBS newz with Smug Pelley yesterday they were interviewing a sordid collection of human detritus in Florida and one of them said he'd write in Ron Paul before voting for Newton or Willard. He was some tea party weasel. Apparently both Gingrich and Rmoney are liberals – who knew? I suppose Genghis Khan would be out because he's too nice to horses.
Anyway, I hope this is a predictor for November.
Well, the last set of Republican primaries weren't as interesting/tragic as this. Wait until the general election – the signs will go up. It's early yet.
Will we have liveblog tonight?
Is the Pope a Nazi?
Wouldn't this be more like a geezblog?
YES we CAN.
Please stop calling Newt, Hitler!
He is not Hitler.
He's more of a Caligula kind of guy.
I thought Caligula was his wife!
No! Calista is a fembot from the future. Don't believe me? Just look at that hair! That is the hair of the future. This also explains why Newt wants to build a Moon base. It is really a signaling base so Calista's species can find her and take her back to her own time.
This is a fact!!
Ron Paul 2012!!!
Visit http://www.alliesofhumanity.org
Now you've given m the image of Newt fucking his sister, ew…
Though the "killed by his own guards" image is good brain-bleach.
Naw, W, was Caligula. "Caligula" was the Roman emperor's nickname. When he was a kid he liked to hang out with the soldiers and they called him "Caligula" which means "little boots." Learned that on the History Channel
But you're right Newt isn't Hitler–too unfocused. I'd say Newt is more like John Wilkes Booth, maniacal and narcissist.
Florida! It’s a lot like the United States, but even scuzzier and scammier and tackier. It is America to the Limit!
That phrase descibes any number of states, most especially in the SouthEast and Southwest. And don't forget New Jersey.
Well, certain parts of Jersey maybe, but Jersey has much more variety and cultural worth than Fla. I can't even travel to Fla. as after two days I am beset with soul crushing depression and need powerful drugs to survive.
This differs from normal, how?
Trust me, New Jersey is nothing like America.
Jersey, which exit?
♪♫ I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect R-money.
I'd like to hire the world to work
then fire it immediately. ♪♫
~
It's the rial thing…
(where rial = Iranian currency)
Is that picture Willard's family potrait?
Are they wearing sombreros and magic underwear?
I think it's Adam Smith Unbound by Goya.
Mittens is already going on a victory lap, crediting his staff for "turning his campaign around." Mitt: with $16 Million in ads, my dog could win the Florida primary…
You could drive him around on the roof of your car….
http://www.dogsagainstromney.com has about 15K Facebooks friends. They probably would vote for your dog. And the dog has my vote.
But what is a good dog doing in the GOP primary?
Isn't that how we got Rick Scott?
It'll be interesting to see the dollars per vote tally.
I'm leaning in favor of the dog but what is his position on entitlement reform? Two barks for tax increases and one bark for the cat food commission plan.
Yeah, but just think how much Newt's pissing away, then you add Santorum and even Paul. . . .
Not sure how anyone could possibly decide which candidate to vote for without another debate.
Or another double martini.
How do you say delicious in Cuban?
Cohibas?
Eva Mendes? Cameron Diaz?
Ahhhh, Flo'duh, the land of olds, meth addled black metal heads and hungry pythons bent on eating the native fauna into extinction. America's shriveled penis will not be denied!
TRUCKNUTZ!
Thanks to all the morons who first thought that a large dangerous predator would make a good pet, and then that releasing an invasive non-native species into the wild was perfectly OK after realizing keeping something that saw you as food was a bad idea!
Put them in the Great Lakes to eat the Asian Carp!!
After picking a winner, Florida can pick its butt. Same difference.
Your picture, wonkette jr., evokes a wishful scenario that the contenders in question be committed to duking it out Fantastic Planet-style, with baying blue lobster-claw-jawbeasts strapped to their chests while we cheer on the biggest loser.
Whoever won that battle would end up selling the headphones back to the blue people for six months of hookers and blow.
hookers and blow
Which are bound to find their way into the path of any candidate exhausted by their handlers' coaching for "ripocal exploitation" of Florida's voters living along & between the "fepular sea" shores. But I'll stop there lest I fall into misuse of further penetropes..
Or taking the headphone company private, firing half the workers, screwing the retirees and suppliers out of their contracts, borrowing to the hilt, looting $50 million from the proceeds, and selling the carcass to newbie investors.
You get a shitload more hookers and blow that way.
From NPR:
I saw what you did there, Mr. Carter. Are you the same guy that invented Creamcup's CUM fund too, also?
Then why are you voting for people who want to destroy Medicare and Social Security for my generation?
I only worry about people coming up behind me when I'm bending over in the shower, which is never is there is anyone else around.
Not even "The Conditioner"? It would be an amusing name for a gangster whose job it was to "soften people up".
If you like Santorum, it's because you like people coming up behind you.
Why does it have to be PLutocrat. Why not Minniecrat or Mickeycrat? Or my favorite. Goofycrat? I also,too, like Mileycrat.
Mittencrat(p).
I think Calista's just fucking Goofy.
Heck, Pluto's not even a planet anymore … but I guess Mitt's got some other place reserved.
I hope this goes on a long time — it's like if Jay Gould the robber baron and PT Barnum had a public spat and were as mean as possible to each other while professing the utmost civility. By around June or July, these motherfuckers will be impoverished, bitter, hateful, constantly on edge and — of course — blaming the liberal media for misrepresenting them.
Now I know why all the world's pious frauds look forward to having a window in heaven from which they can look down on the suffering of the damned — I kinda feel like we have one right now.
Maybe someday Newt will brag about how Mitt had to mortgage his house. Assuming he's that big of a douchebag.
Once again, it's the old Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich. (Thank you South Park.)
I wanna know when Romney is going to peel off his face and reveal his real lizard face underneath.
There's porn on the internet?
No, and Wonkett does not allow comments.
Perhaps now, at long last, we can lift the iron boot of the poor off the necks of the Plutocrats.
Honestly, how long must they suffer for their vast wealth?
Floriduh is tacky?
I remember a gift shop there when I was just a kid on a family vacation, that had "His" and "Her" t-shirts, where the His shirt had a pair of bare feet facing down, and the Hers shirt had a pair of bare feet facing up..
How else does the church get missionaries?
LeBron / Wade 2012!! — 5, 6, 7, 8 terms….
Sing along with me! Joseph Smith, he had a farm, ee-ii-ee-ii oh. And on his farm he found some plates, ee-ii-ee-ii-oh. Congratulations. You've all just been baptized as Mormons.
I wouldn't get too excited. We're talking Florida here. It will take at last a week to count the votes of, "The Villages", America's most confused community.
This sounds as bad as an episode of "Dexter," but even grosser, more reactionary, and with more nauseating, insipid characters.
"First Baptist Church of Windermere"
Newt hanging around Tiger Woods' stalking grounds?!
Newt is surely in the top .00001% of self deluded humans.
Oh, please. End in a tie and let the SCOTUS break that tie. It will be so much fun to see how the right wing bloc of the court divides on this one. Who will be the country club Republicans? Who will be the trailer park Republicans?
100% off topic but – everyone's favorite ginger (after me, of course) (just kidding) is apparently returning! (Guess the self-righteous lack of snark got to him.)
Truck nutz for all!
http://gawker.com/5880922/an-important-announceme...
May I be the second to say "Yay Newell"? Or howabout that on again, off again Denton experience?
Hell, it's Florida, land of the blue-hair and white-knuckle driver. Pat Fucking Buchanan may carry the State for all I know. The Roberts Court could jump in and give everything to Dubya again. Nothing is off the table for this crusty, wasting out-house of a State.
All four may vow to stay in till the convention but the money train may leave some at the station after tonight.
I thought that was the speech train!
GOP Menu: Double-Decker Shit Sandwich or Smegma-Burger Flambe?
Just waiting until the day that Newt realizes he's truly fucked, & hoping his butthurt is dire enough that he can do for the GOP what he's already done for American political discourse as a whole. Also too, the ensuing RAEG from the War Scooter cadres will be a thing of beauty & a joy to behold.
Just because someone had to post it.
What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Plutocrat. I bet his dog's name riding on the car's roof was Pluto.
Plutocrate.
I see, the whole thing is an update of the time-honored crazed man-eating rat story "Willard." In this version the socially awkward guy who raised the rats is such an annoying dipshit the rats eat his cock off just for fun. During which he makes Don Knotts-style faces and exclaims white-bread interjections like "Ouch!" "Hey now!" "Oh My!" and "I say!" Whereupon a rat jumps into his mouth.
Latest celebrity Gingrich endorsement? Michael C. Hall.
"…for the elderly right-wing Cubans and elderly moderate-Republican condo dwellers…"
Haven't had a win since they murdered Jack Kennedy.
Yes please, keep up the nonsensical campaigning and spend lots and lots of money, the better to eat you later…
Florida isn't just America to the Limit, it is America to the Extreme™! Hasn't anyone ever told you for something to be wildly marketable you have to have an "x" in it?
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