THE NEXT BARRY MANILOW  12:20 pm January 31, 2012

Mitt Romney Bursts Into Song, Awkwardness Ensues (VIDEO)

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

AW, how long had Mitt Romney been practicing his rendition of “America the Beautiful” in the mirror before he decided to try to slip it into his stump speech all casual-like? We’re going to go with a wild guess here and say, “since Barack Obama sang Al Green.” Mittens even tries to be cool enough to get the Florida crowd of napping old people to do backup for him by asking in a solicitous music teacher voice, “Can you sing with me?”

They do briefly wake up to accompany him through about half a verse before trailing off again after Mittens meets the high note at 0:19 with a rather stinging defeat. Then there is a round of confused, tepid clapping like they aren’t sure whether silence or applause will embarrass him less, and Mittens smiles like he’s just won the junior high talent contest. TAKE THAT, OBAMA. [YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 365 comments }

nounverb911 January 31, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Don't quit your day job Mitt.

MrFizzy January 31, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Like he has one. Please.

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Why would he? He makes $20 million without lifting a finger.

iburl January 31, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Not true, he often lifts a finger to pick belly button lint.

40 or 50 % McShineys January 31, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Technically that is one of his data ports.

OneDollarJuana January 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Good (not) work, if you can get it.

Chillwillard January 31, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Wasn't he unemployed?

hagajim January 31, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I'd ask him to please quit his day job….since it seems that running for Preznit is all he does nowadays.

Terry January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

What's his day job? Holding that silver spoon firmly in his mouth?

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Perfect!

actor212 January 31, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Personally, I'm waiting for him to put a fright wig on, don a gown and start singing "We Are Family."

Barb January 31, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Florida, the home of electile dysfunction.

Terry January 31, 2012 at 12:55 pm

…and really big pythons, evidently.

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Here you go:
http://news.yahoo.com/pythons-apparently-wiping-e

It's apparently really fucking up the ecosystem down there.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 1:18 pm

IT'S!!….

Barb January 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Mother Fucking snakes on a Mother Fucking plane …

bagofmice January 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm

More like snakes on a Peninsula.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Is *that* what they're calling 'em these days? Sheesh.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 6:54 pm

STOP FISTING THIS COMMENT!

It's already 69-ing — what more do you perverts want?!

MrFizzy January 31, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Isn't singing a sin for the mormonics? Of course, that performance only marginally qualifies as such.

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I always knew there was something fishy going on with that Mormon Tabernacle Choir thingie.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 31, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Could have bee worse – he could have attempted dancing.

Fare la Volpe January 31, 2012 at 12:47 pm

My eyes!!

nounverb911 January 31, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Mitt will certainly win the castrated cat vote.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 1:21 pm

There is certainly an enthusiasm gap, as if he never developed trucknutz.

Chillwillard January 31, 2012 at 12:23 pm

To be fair, he's just not used to singing without the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in the background. Now if could just get my ears to stop bleeding…

Barb January 31, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Sorry Mitt, even in your snazzy dungarees, I just don't believe that America is ready for a white male President.

Chillwillard January 31, 2012 at 12:39 pm

You could bleach Wonderbread and it still wouldn't be as White as Mitt…

Terry January 31, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Mitt is Wonderbread, spread with Miracle Whip and decorated with gold leaf.

Sparky MacGyver January 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Once you go black, you never go back?

bumfug January 31, 2012 at 12:24 pm

"You couldn't find the tune with a GPS, dawg. It's a 'no' from me."

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Worst. Human. Mic. EVAH!

Guppy January 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

There's such a thing as a good one?

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Oh, by Quincy Jones's beard, no. But there are many, many degrees of bad.

PuckStopsHere January 31, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Singing, like dancing, must be another one of those activities proscribed by the Mormon religion (unless, apparently, one in a member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir). And based on the :23 of this video I made it through, they ought to keep it that way.

teebob2000 January 31, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Reciting it like a weenie wasn't good enough for him. The part this doesn't show is immediately prior to the singing where he muffed the words, which is funny.

jus_wonderin January 31, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I heard this on NPR this morning before I had coffee. Not sure if that was a good thing or bad. But, kind of made me want to up-chuck.

Nostrildamus January 31, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Trust your gut.

sarah_connor January 31, 2012 at 3:02 pm

same, and on WNYC, twice before 8 a.m. it went on and on, worse than fingernails on chalkboard. cough cough gag. Brian Lehrer can't even wash that noise out of my brain at this point… :(

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I heard he's singing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl this Sunday, on the strength of that performance alone.

SexySmurf January 31, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I never thought I'd type this, but I'd rather listen to Kelly Clarkson.

freakishlywrong January 31, 2012 at 12:44 pm

So would the Paultards.

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 12:42 pm

His performance needz moar crotch grabbing.

Barrelhse January 31, 2012 at 12:52 pm

If he has a wardrobe malfunction I'll die.

teebob2000 January 31, 2012 at 1:46 pm

You mean like his magic underpants showing?

Negropolis February 1, 2012 at 1:21 am

Well, he can't do any worse than Madonna's gonna do, can he?

Yes, Metro Detroit apologizes for giving you guys Madonna.

arihaya January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Mitten is just trying to copy Obama crooning Al Green

Lemme tell you, Mitten. I knew Barrack Obama, Barrack Obama is the president of mine. Mitten, you are no Barrack Obama.

PsycWench January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Sir, you are no Barack Obama.

SexySmurf January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I can either listen to Mitt or unmute the TV and listen to the Coldplay video currently infecting VH1. It's like Sohpie's choice if Sophie had to choose between a rectal exam or a punch in the boob.

Maman January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

That is a proposal in VA. You want boner pill? Bend over and have a cardiac stress test!

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I thought taking a boner pill RESULTED in bending over and having a cardiac stress test.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Nobody tells me all this fun stuff.

DaRooster January 31, 2012 at 2:14 pm

To be fair… I'll listen to Mitt… given a choice of him or Coldplay.

freakishlywrong January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

White, robotic and pandering like a mothafucker. Dear Newt, this is not a "moderate Massachusetts librul" He's one of y'ourn.

Dumbedup January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

BTW, I predicted this when I saw the Obama video, Willard is just so fucking predictable. This guy has a totally psychopathic fixation on becoming POTUS, and feels no shame or humiliation or any other human emotion about doing whatever needs to be done to win. To paraphrase JFK "I will change any position, distort any fact, risk total humiliation to achieve that which I desire, Power!!!"

KeepFnThatChicken January 31, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Wait, and what was that shit Newt did in Brevard County, regarding the space program? *scoff* Like Americans give a fuck about science…

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

He should have gone with Dire Straights' Money for Nothing.

Guppy January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I have to (hire someone to) install microwave ovens…

weej_bain January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

And with the Mormon harems you got the chicks for free.

DaRooster January 31, 2012 at 1:26 pm

… and your chimps for free.

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 2:35 pm

The White House between 2001 and 2009 proved there's no such thing as chimps for free.

MissTaken January 31, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I want my MittTV

bagofmice January 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm
__kth__ January 31, 2012 at 4:52 pm

either "One Bad Apple" or that Huey Lewis tune that Christian Bale plays while he hacks that other yuppie to pieces.

Maman January 31, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I think it is the only song he knows. He sings and recites it everywhere in lieu of talking about anything substantial.

Fare la Volpe January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Romneytron used to have a much bigger database of songs, but had to dump them after SOPA was proposed.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

For anyone who hasn't seen it, check out Colbert's brilliant riff on Mitt's obsession with this song.

(Skip to 0:50 if you can't spare the extra minute.)

Wadisay January 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

A noun, a verb, America the Beautiful.

MrFizzy January 31, 2012 at 12:28 pm

This on huffington – I would send to KBJ or wonkette, but my Mac doesn't work wtih this system.
Newt Gingrich Robocall: Mitt Romney Forced Holocaust Survivors To Eat Non-Kosher Food

arihaya January 31, 2012 at 12:34 pm

before or after he baptizes them?

Chichikovovich January 31, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Did they also Robocall with "Mitt Romney preached the doctrine, until he was in his thirties, that blacks were marked by God as inferior, and that black skin was punishment for sin"? Or did they think that would actually gain votes from the 27% ers?

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Please continue to post this little WTF nugget from time to time, Chichi, and I'll do the same.

With all the brouhaha over Ron Paul's old Nigger Beat articles, it astounds me that Bishop Mitt's preached beliefs that God left sinners in the minority microwave too long hasn't gained greater traction.

Mitt Romney may not be a racist, but he sure as hell is a craven, fucking coward for promulgating that shit well past his "youthful indiscretion" years. And his church as well, for cynically ditching long-held racist beliefs in order to get a break on their goddamn taxes.

[NOTE: I pinched a nerve in my back this morning that has left me nearly paralyzed in pain. I am currently wolfing down a brunch of Vicodin, muscle relaxants, anti-inflammatories, Valium, and whiskey. I apologize for this and all other comments made by me over the next 24 hours.]

ThundercatHo January 31, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Hope you are better soon, try applying heat and/or ice to affected area. Also, too the drunk, drug-addled posts are favorites.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Thanks. I'm using one those olde-tyme-y big red water bottles, which always seems to cheer me up a bit, probably because it reminds me of a Woopie cushion full of piping hot diarrhea.

Chichikovovich January 31, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Thanks – I'm glad to have help doing what I can to put this one into circulation. If the Republicans and Fox have taught me anything, it's the importance of ceaseless repetition. Also this does make me particularly angry too – not just the hatefulness of the message, but the fact that it's given a pass because they add "Hey, it wasn't me. That was God talking."

Sorry to hear about the pinched nerve. I had something like that which had me nearly incapacitated for months. And I have just two words for you: Prednisone burst. Even if it doesn't fix the nerve issue (by reducing inflammation that was interfering with the body getting itself back into order) it will be the most energized, well-being filled few weeks of your life.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I've mentioned it a number of times, but if fisting is any judge, I think most people think it's a yawner. Out of all the crazy shit that's been cranked out by the Mormon cash cult, for some reason their racist beliefs piss me off most of all.

My siatic nerve in my upper back/neck goes haywire about once a year — I usually can't turn my head for at a month if I don't over-medicate the hell out of it within the first day or so. I'm gonna Google the shit out of "prednisone burst" right now, and probably name my next band after it too.

Thanks.

DaRooster January 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm

So, given your current predicament you have embraced DaRooster's daily regimen…
Seriously. Good luck with relief.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I've been there (and usually am there) all too often, dude.

Try to save a little for when you really need it, but until then, "CHEERS!"

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Bear and Snarking in Wonk Vegas.

That's some cocktail.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 2:00 pm

You wouldn't believe what deliciousness my dealer, er waiter, is bringing me for lunch.

YUM-O!

/Rachel Ray

sunmusing January 31, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I'm on the percocet and tequila regimen for the next few dayz myself, as the knees keep afflicting me with intolerable pain. I don't remember much after morning meds, and the dogs keep me informed if there is anyone at the front door. Hope you feel better soon.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

So sorry to hear that, my friend. With the knees, it's much worse, since it's not muscle pain but bone pain. You know that you have to keep exercising, though, right. I know it hurts, but this is our sentence, my friend. The more you exercise, the better support you get from the big muscles, which can keep pain levels lowER, at least.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Since I am currently in exactly the same predicament, let me recommend to you some things that appear to have pretty much fixed the problem for me. 1. I purchased, for the princely sum of $19.99, an item called a Thermalon neck pad. It uses microwaveable beads that release moist heat, which is what body workers recommend for this type of pain. A few minutes in the microwave ensures that you get about two hours worth of relief and the moist heat seems to relax the muscles in the area, which increases the range of motion *gradually*. The second item is a heavy-duty foam roller, approx. 4-6 inches in diameter, purchaseable online or through any shop that stocks exercise/physical therapy equipment. Place the roller on the floor and gently lower yourself onto it so that the base of your skull is supported by the top end. Keep your knees bent and center the roller under the spine. Lie on this and relax for no more than 1-5 minutes initially, with your arms folded over your torso or by your sides. You should feel the entire shoulder/neck area on the affected side relaxing. Extend your arm sideways for additional stretch but ONLY if the spasming/pain has lessened.

Hope it helps.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Thank you from the bottom of my bottle for the super detailed, super helpful, super-duper heartfelt response, FriendBorg!

I've already integrated a couple of your suggestions into my hooch & hydrocodone-heavy emergency response regimen, and I must admit that I'm already feeling a bit less fill-in-the-blank-cidal. At the very least, following your prescription gave me something other than blinding pain to focus on all afternoon.

Were I cognitively capable of saying more, I would, but until such time as I am, I hope one more sincere "Thank you, friend" for taking the time to reply will suffice.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

The MorMen are the the MorMen, but it's still a fact that Mitt's Dad was a supporter of the Civil Rights Movement, and maybe that had some influence on the MorMen joining the 20th Century. (You could probably also say cynically that George Romney knew the country couldn't keep pissing off the black workers in his auto factories and expect business to function properly.)
http://www.thenation.com/blog/165647/mitt-romney-
http://progressivemormon.net/archives/3417

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Form what little I've read/heard about Pop Romney, I'm inclined to believe that he was indeed a relatively principled and pragmatic man of his time.

Doesn't make me feel any less inclined toward embracing the cynical angels of my nature, but I nonetheless suspect that he, unlike his winds-of-self-beneficial-opinion blown husk of a son, would be someone with whom one might at least be able to have a reasonable and constructive exchange of opposing ideas.

But I'm so hopped-up on booze and goofballs right now, what the fuck do I know?

Ducksworthy January 31, 2012 at 3:24 pm

To be fair, the Book of Mormon teaches that brown and black people were just left in the oven too long when Gawd made them. Oh and that indians are actually jews. Also, Too.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Which? Dot or feather?

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

It's true, too. He slashed a lousy $600K that would have given nursing-home residents kosher food. Cheap bastard. Apparently, the only religion entitled to any consideration is his own.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Why the fuck does kosher food cost $600,000 more than non-kosher?

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:40 pm

You implied something I didn't say, Chet. It is not clear that kosher food costs more than non-kosher food, although it certainly makes sense that there would be some difference in cost.

I would imagine the $600,000 difference can be accounted for by various differences in the sourcing, procurement, licensing, and distribution of kosher food. How much of that is actually the dollar cost differential, I do not know.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm holding you personally responsible for getting to the bottom of this!! (Winks)

BerkeleyBear January 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

It wasn't that it cost that much more, but that was the full amount budgeted for the state to supply Kosher meals for seniors.

Apparently some nursing homes were going to shut their kosher kitchens in 2002 for economic reasons (not a lot of Mass. seniors keeping kosher, and the savings had to come from somewhere). The legislature pushed 600k to supply the food for the seniors who did want it, which was probably a lot cheaper than keeping all the kitchens open and staffed 7 days a week. Basically a partial repeal of the budget cuts. Mittens, ever the compassionate conservative, vetoed it, and the legislature passed it over the veto.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I'm glad the legislature gave him the finger on this issue. I personally follow no religion, but at that age, I don't expect people to adjust easily to changes, and it would have been an unnecessary cruelty to a demographic in its last days, for goodness' sake. Honestly, the Mittbot hasn't a speck of human compassion AFAICT. For THAT reason alone, anybody who has ever needed mercy a little more than justice needs to vote for Obama.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

They were staffing kosher kitchens? OK, I was thinking it was just choosing between suppliers or something.

sarah_connor January 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Newt Gingrich Robocall: Israel, Israel, Israel! Also, Israel. #fixed

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Needs Mor(mon) Auto-tune.

MildMidwesterner January 31, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Mitt should do a cover of Weird Al's "White & Nerdy."

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 12:39 pm

No way; as a nerd Mittens is most definitely not one of us.

Fare la Volpe January 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Weird Al is also deliciously self-aware.

Sadly, such sentience will forever elude the Romneytron.

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I've linked to this before, but like Weird Al Romney would probably sing along with this, because he'd miss the sarcasm and it literally:
http://www.youtube.com/user/rikilind?feature=g-al

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:13 pm

You've GOT to be in love. You've just been PowSockWham all over the place, lately, in FINE damn form.

Out with it. Who is it, and is he wonderful?

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Mitt's a creep, not a nerd. We nerds won't accept him, sorry. Bet he has no idea who Chris Pike is, even.

arihaya January 31, 2012 at 12:29 pm

ASIMO could do a better robot singing and dancing that this expired NYSE trading bot

OkieDokieDog January 31, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I'm currently listening to The Specials singing The Pogues Dirty Old Town – so I'm not about to stop it and listen to this dog abuser sing anything.

kissawookiee January 31, 2012 at 12:30 pm

In Mitt's defense, he does a version of "Fuck You" that absolutely kills, but only when singing at poors and ladies who don't want to be pregnant.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Could this be Romney's "Dean Scream" moment?

Chichikovovich January 31, 2012 at 12:58 pm

It's that moment for the rest of us.

under_score January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Or Dukakis tank helmet moment.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I thought his entire candidacy was a "Dean Scream" moment?

meatlofer January 31, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Huh?, That was "bad", no! Really bad, It was just fucked up bad.

freakishlywrong January 31, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Uh, yes, but, um, Jawbs?

Guppy January 31, 2012 at 12:55 pm

At least one job for a singing coach just opened up.

EatsBabyDingos January 31, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Songs not sung by Mittens:

"So look for the Union Label"
"(Domo Arrigato) Mr. Roboto"
"Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll"

Wonderthing January 31, 2012 at 12:33 pm

If he had broken out into an accapella version of "Purple Haze" he woulda had my vote.

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Inna Godda Davida, extended version or GTFO.

RavenRant January 31, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Sorry. Iron butterfly is not worthy to be mentioned in the same breath as Jimi.

monty4prez January 31, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Excuse me while I kiss the Mormon sky!

BigDumbRedDog January 31, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Mitt Romney does anything; awkwardness ensues.

Fare la Volpe January 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm
MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I'm so not clicking on that. The last time I heard it I went into a semi-permanent cringe and had to be medicated.

SayItWithWookies January 31, 2012 at 12:33 pm

"Now please open your hymnals to page 146, and sing with me 'When the Angel Moroni Gave This Land to the White People.'"

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I have to wonder if Joseph Smith The Mormon Scammer ever read Trollope. In Phineas Finn, there is some mention of a dining establishment in London called "Moroni."

Barrelhse January 31, 2012 at 7:36 pm

"We're march-march-marching to Shibboleth
With the Lion and the Sword (the mighty sword!)"

elviouslyqueer January 31, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Um, Mitt? William Hung called and would like his tone-deafness back.

comrad_darkness January 31, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Oh good. My mirror cracked this morning for reasons not pertaining to my appearance after a late night out.

LabRodent January 31, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Needs more Soul. But he sold that years ago.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

It wouldn't have helped if he'd hung on to it, believe me.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

You got it, did you?

I knew he was gonna end up at your place, Biely. He'll complain about the provender, no doubt, but I take great pleasure in knowing he'll get his, ahem, just desserts.

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 12:40 pm

"Let the Beagle Soar (on the roof my sedan) "

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

That was great, in a truly awful sort of way.

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Based on the sincerety and vigor of his "Oh, wow"s to the audience, I would have to surmise that his sexytime shouts of "Oh God, oh God" put his wife to sleep.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 31, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"Honey, if you're done, can you put away the Teleprompter?"

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:20 pm

So … where exactly did this myth about Mitt's "sexytime" get started? Because you know that the Mormon God makes the space babies, right?

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Whew, thanks for that revelation, MB. Now I don't have to think about my Mormon daughter and son-in-law doing the nasty in order to produce my sweet grandchilluns!

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Anytime, Pdog! *Nobody* should have to think about Mormons doing the nasty in their magic underwear. Not even unwillingly baptized Mormons.

Barb January 31, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I've got my Flyers jersey on and I am not watching election crap tonight. I'm watching the hockey game and Newt and Mitt can eat each other for all I care.

Fare la Volpe January 31, 2012 at 12:49 pm

With luck, Christie will beat them to it.

LesBontemps January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

As the sainted Jim Newell (PBUH) once described them: "Flyers season-ticket holders are rabid, drunk trash who will almost certainly (a) lead a chant of “SHOW YOUR TITS, SHOW YOUR TITS” and (b) throw batteries at her [Palin] when she doesn’t show her tits. There will be vomit everywhere."

His prediction was dead-on, although given the predictability of Flahrs fans, not much of a feat.

Barb January 31, 2012 at 1:01 pm

You say that like it is a bad thing.
When Palin went and dropped the ceremonial puck, complete with human shield, Piper, I was uberpissed that the stadium piped in recorded cheers to cover the fans who were booing.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 1:26 pm

It's called the Diebold Public Address System.

KeepFnThatChicken January 31, 2012 at 1:36 pm

We're going to deliver the cheers for George W. Bush in 2004!!

Terry January 31, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Mitt would end up nothing more than an extended burp escaping Newt's greasy lips.

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Have fun!

I just can't pull myself away from the livebloggings, no matter how infuriated the debates and speeches make me.

Barb January 31, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Oh man, you know I will go mental if you are having fun and I'm not. Must rethink this hockey obsession.

hollywooddood January 31, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Picture Willard's handlers sitting around the table: "Hmmm, it worked for Obama, so…"

actor212 January 31, 2012 at 12:45 pm

What they forget is, while most people sing from their throats and lungs, Mitt sings from his ass, which is mostly blocked by the stick up there.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I have it on good authority that that's not a stick, but a redwood tree.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I guess we'd better pray that the Prez doesn't suddenly decide to strip to his boxers on stage.

I mean, I'd sure as hell appreciate that, but only until Mittens and Newtie started doing the (urp) same.

deelzebub January 31, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You asshole! Now, whenever I want to sit back and relax with a naked Bams fantasy, naked Newt is going to pop into my head and make me nauseous instead of horny.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I'm sorry, hon, that hurt me more than it hurt you. (urp)

Mumbletypeg January 31, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Is this what's meant by the phrase "elevator pitch"? Like it's sung at the kind of pitch best heard from an elevator…. carrying the singer away from you.

#hewarblesalot

Dr_Zoidberg January 31, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I made 5 seconds in and had to stop, as blood was gushing from my ears.

actor212 January 31, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Newt attempted to take on "America, The Beautiful"

The song beat him in a straight pin-fall.

Data Exactly January 31, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Rich man can't sing. News at 11.

Sharkey January 31, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Maybe he could ride around on a unicycle or juggle some flaming sticks or something. That would be potentially entertaining.

ThundercatHo January 31, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Juggling chainsaws and/or rabid groundhogs.

Jerri January 31, 2012 at 12:45 pm

When it came on NPR this morning it made my radio ashamed to be a radio.

LabRodent January 31, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Michael Bolton – "see its not as easy as you fucking think"

Baconzgood January 31, 2012 at 1:04 pm

You're right. You really have to TRY to suck that much.

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 1:14 pm

"That no-talent ass clown?" – Mike Bolton

James Michael Curley January 31, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I discovered a Michael Bolton version of "Like a Rolling Stone." also a Nancy Sinatra version. Compared to either Mitt Romney's singing exercise is tolerable.

hollywooddood January 31, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I-tunes reports that downloads of America the Beautiful have virtually stopped.

arihaya January 31, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Mitten, the Job Killer

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I love that you're calling him Mitten! Singular, all right!

Sharkey January 31, 2012 at 12:47 pm

This is just like that time Jimi set his guitar on fire.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Except more boring.

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Mittens failed to mention another long-forgotten verse of America the Beautiful which says in part:

"America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till selfish gain no longer stain
The banner of the free!"

Ooops! SOCHULIZM!!!

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Far more surprising is his neglect in mentioning the verse that speaks of America's "alabaster cities." Know your base, Mitt.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 31, 2012 at 2:16 pm

That would be knowing a hell of a lot more than his base.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:29 pm

That might actually fall under the aegis of "Know thyself, Mitt."

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I dunno about that. The oldz don't hear so well, and they might misunderstand "alabaster" as "Ali bastard" and think he was talking about Muslin Obama's cities.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 31, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I thought Obama's Barry White impersonation was weak, but Mitt doing Wayne Newton is a whole Mormon zombie planet-full of fail.

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 1:34 pm

At least he didn't do Lil Wayne (unless Moroni forbids such an act).

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Fitter happier.

EatsBabyDingos January 31, 2012 at 12:50 pm

He should sing Marcel Marceau's Greatest Hits or do the Milli Vanilli and have Basil Marceaux do his singing.

paris biltong January 31, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Not so sure he can lip sync either.

Baconzgood January 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

He ain't no these people that's fir sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhMepzqJvIw

Geminisunmars January 31, 2012 at 1:04 pm

That was just plain mean of you, Baconz.

HistoriCat January 31, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Where's the downfist option when you need it??

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 1:35 pm

good gawd…For the sake of humanity, plz warn us.

ThundercatHo January 31, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Toss up between them and the Eagles.

Baconzgood January 31, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Good call Thundercat.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:31 pm

You *might* just be the MOST-HATED little piglet on Wonketz today, Baconz.

Fellow Wonketteers, DO NOT CLICK that link. Unless, of course, you have a weapon handy and REALLY want to end it all.

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 8:28 pm

But in the end, everybody loves bacon.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Don't think Baconzgood doesn't KNOW it and REVEL in it!!@!

If he weren't so cute and snarky, we'd probably be helping ourselves to some of that stored bacon right theah.

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Where is Simon Cowell when we need him?

KeepFnThatChicken January 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Left the states. Saw this shit coming.

MosesInvests January 31, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Where's Chuck Barris when we need him?

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Getting paid good money for a much less awful gig.

soeoho January 31, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I dunno, maybe a little backup by Keith Richards, some lighting, Whoaa-man…Whoa… running mate?

KeepFnThatChicken January 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Okay. So should I be happy or sad that Romney just gave the fucking game to Gingrich?

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Why is Mitt running from his background as a Flip Flop pioneer?! He used to rock the Hi-Fi turntable with his groups the Bloomfield Hills Gang and Run D.C.:

"I said a flip, flop, a flippy to the floppy
to the flip flop — I don't stop a floppin'
and I change my positions and switch my opinions,
whichever way the wind blows at me!"

Chichikovovich January 31, 2012 at 1:53 pm

That's old school! Kids today don't appreciate the classics.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:30 pm

"Y'all don't know nothin' about this!!"

hagajim January 31, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Can someone get this asshat an autotuner?

RadioFetusEater January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm

America, the not so beautiful.

flamingpdog January 31, 2012 at 12:55 pm

White man can't jump; he can't be no Ray Charles, neither.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:36 pm

You li'l dawg, you just filled my ears and my heart. Thank you, pdog.

Took the taste of Romney right outa me. (hugs that dawg)

paris biltong January 31, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Mormon music = Utah Jazz

Guppy January 31, 2012 at 12:56 pm

He'd have gotten more votes with "Dixie."

Baconzgood January 31, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen…Stick around Godflesh is up next"

-Mitt Romney-

Spurning Beer January 31, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Before the polls close today, expect Newt to do a Gloria Estefan medley for the press corps.

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 12:58 pm

His song would have more impact if he hired Great White's pyrotechnics guy.

HistoriCat January 31, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Ouch!

Sharkey January 31, 2012 at 1:00 pm

He sings "C to shining C" like he really means it. (Don't hate me, it's an old Don and Mike joke.)

Dumbedup January 31, 2012 at 1:00 pm

You know how sometimes you pass out on the floor with CNN on and then come to hours later and they are playing some clip, then you pass out again and in the morning can't tell if it was real or a hallucination? That was this clip of willard.

YouBetcha January 31, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Panties: Dry.
Appetite: Gone.

elviouslyqueer January 31, 2012 at 2:14 pm

YouBetcha: Wins.

SheriffRoscoe January 31, 2012 at 1:01 pm

About as much rhythm there as a toilet plunger.

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I wouldn't exactly say he "burst" into song, Kirtsen. Dribbled into song? Mewled into song? I'll get back to you.

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Okay, I got a metaphor. My dog, when he gets sick, calmly moves to a carpeted piece of the house (WHY?), calmly and rhythmically regurgitates his food, effortlessly opens his mouth, and lets what comes up his throat fall with little circumstance onto the carpet. THAT'S what Romney's singing reminds me of. What's the word for that?

BornInATrailer January 31, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Mitt awkwardly extruded the song?

smokefilledroommate January 31, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Toomush_Infer January 31, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Willard's handlers knew he couldn't sing. They figured his "Ahem, (Squeeak) "Hgggghomme…" would humanize him somehow. I guess there are humans, and then there are humans…. Personally, I think, for the sake of continued interest, that all the Republicans should have to sing their way through each of the next 127 debates… or at least a duet between Newt and Willard (which we could send to the Iranian ruling cabal as a threat)….

Dumbedup January 31, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I think said handlers testicles shrank visibly when they saw Barry, sparkling and smooth, at the Apollo delivering a line from one of the genuinely coolest artists ever, and said, well, we gotta' respond.

Toomush_Infer January 31, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Yeh, that Barry….he should put out an album of six second takes….Michelle could star in the video in all that new sexy underwear…umm…Sash and….whoops, what did you do to me….?

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:51 pm

You know, President Obama isn't even *trying* to make all these douchelockets look like douchelockets. People who talk about how lucky Obama is to be facing this hapless clutch of FAIL will look back on this ten years from now and marvel at the Republicans' terrible luck in finding someone like Obama to run against.

Think about it. If Dukakis or Kerry were running this year, these troglodytes wouldn't look a tenth as bad. In fact, if these guys were running against Alan Grayson (whom I love with all my heart) or Dennis Kucinich (ditto) or Mike Gravel, or even Hillary, formidable and brilliant as she is, they wouldn't be viewed as such hapless losers. They just happen to be running against someone who's a decade or more younger than them, who's slim, trim, fit, in great shape, brilliant, highly educated, a gifted scholar, a gifted athlete, with tons of charisma, personal charm, likeability, a beautiful voice, a gifted orator with both the intellectual heft to marshal complex arguments and a great talent for using common speech to explain those ideas. He's not perfect, but he's a helluva candidate, and there isn't a single Republican in recent memory or currently out there who can stand next to him without looking like a loser and a dweeb.

Dumbedup January 31, 2012 at 4:14 pm

that's about it. So lesson is nominate cool people

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 4:23 pm

No, the lesson is, you can do everything right and plan for everything — and you should — but you can't plan for luck. The Republicans could never have foreseen President Obama in 2006. Hell, most of the electorate couldn't, despite their longing for a candidate to save them from Bush and the Republicans. They didn't foresee the size of his win. They didn't foresee his staying power.

Of course, none of that would mean squat if he weren't also a highly competent, efficient, and brilliant strategist with an apparently endless capacity for hard work.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 4:30 pm

It may be that, following Obama, the Democrats can ONLY win if running black or brown candidates. I'm only half joking.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:07 pm

The funny thing is, I'm hearing this from all my white friends. And they're also "only half joking." I'm not sure what to think. It's a fact that the Browning of America is well under way, and those who think that they have nought but the blood of the Vikings or the Celts or whomever in their veins are sadly mistaken, to say the least. Those two facts combined have caused a shrinking demographic of racial purists. Perhaps America IS, after all, the Great Melting Pot, the Rainbow Nation, and henceforth, its political makeup will reflect that. But I'll need to amass more hard evidence before I'd be willing to say so.

Although who won our GAY, GAY, GAY heart this month? Cory Booker, that's who, after his *beautiful* response to Chris "IAteNJ&FuckYou" Christie's homophobic remarks.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Like Michigan J Frog, I bet he never does that again.

♫ Hello! ma baby
Hello! ma honey
Hello! ma ragtime gal ♪

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 1:12 pm

That's going to make for an awkward moment in the spotlight at the convention.

OneYieldRegular January 31, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I don't understand how Romney expects to win by singing that instead of "Dixie."

ThundercatHo January 31, 2012 at 1:07 pm

When Barry crooned Al Green half the ladies in America had moist panties. The only ladies in that audience with moist panties are the ones who forgot their Depends.

Tundra Grifter January 31, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"Can you sing with me?" I think this crowd was more "Squeal like a pig!"

chicken_thief January 31, 2012 at 1:08 pm

He shoulda had some of the many blah folks in the audience help him with the rhythm.

Puffperney January 31, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Aha! There's the problem, right there!

b[redact]opple January 31, 2012 at 1:08 pm

OT but ZOMG Jim Newell just said on the Gawker that he's coming back next week. Like temporarily or something.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Well, I hope he at least sets his fucking alarm clock.

Blueb4sunrise January 31, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Who?

RadioFetusEater January 31, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I think he was the guy with the TRIsomyG kerfuffle.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Nah, wrong ginger; that was Stuef.

Fukui_sanYesOta January 31, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I just came here to post that. Awesome – Newell is totally wasted at Gawker.

COME BACK FOR GOOD, JIM!

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Newell II: The Ginger Snaps Back

Jerri January 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I second this emotion.

freakishlywrong January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Me too! Love Newell. Gird yer loins, wingnuts! And Noonington.

HistoriCat January 31, 2012 at 2:21 pm

We'll see – I had high hopes The Phantom Menace when it came out too.

SheriffRoscoe January 31, 2012 at 1:30 pm

This is great news for John McCain, HENGH??

Mumbletypeg January 31, 2012 at 1:36 pm

and for Dame Peggington. Post-haste and forth-with, et cet.

MissTaken January 31, 2012 at 1:55 pm

ZOMG! Next week is now officially Ginger Week, yay!

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Don't think I don't see what you did/plan to do there.

Indiepalin January 31, 2012 at 1:11 pm

They played this on Morning Edition this morning while I was in the shower and it was all I could do to keep from taking a shit right there in the tub. Thanks Steve and Rene.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 31, 2012 at 1:11 pm

He should have tried Born To Be Wild, you know, for the irony.

Bluestatelibel January 31, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Can this guy be any more awkward, corny, and cringe-worthy? I know it's hard work trying to be like the humans, Mittens, but please try harder.

Blueb4sunrise January 31, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Puttin on the Mitz.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 1:14 pm

America just lies there, filing her nails and watching Letterman over his shoulder.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

"Beige. We should paint the ceiling beige."

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Snoregasm.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 1:19 pm

He should have done an old Al Jolson or Eddie Cantor song, to maybe win back the votes of the old Jewish people down there in FL who are all pissed off about his making Holocaust survivors in Massachusetts nursing homes eat non-kosher foods.

comrad_darkness January 31, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Whatevers. After hearing Rumsfeld, every politician sings like an angel.

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Needs moar Hall of Presidents… looks like the good folks at Disney said "fuck Animatronics" with Romney's model.

SheriffRoscoe January 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The fingers of one hand inserted into his jeans pocket does make him seem rather life-like. In a Sears & Roebuck catalog photo sort of way.

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 1:54 pm

FYI: Mitt Romney is the first animated mannequin solely powered by currency.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:11 pm

If you find yourself with a p-ness of Elebenty Kabajillion tomorrow, it's because I just tweeted that remark.

ElPinche January 31, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Thanks MittBorg! I've never been tweeted…i feel kinda dirty.

KeepFnThatChicken January 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Singers and songwriters tend to be democrats, because they have an innate capability of connecting to people through lyrics.

If Republican songwriters want to connect to their base, every song would be titled "Fuck You."

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Does anyone know how to get dog brain out of a wool rug?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 31, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Let the remaining dogs clean it up.

Mumbletypeg January 31, 2012 at 1:40 pm

oh.. I nearly lost it when I read this, what a non-sequitur! unless — since I can't play/ listen to Mitt's savaging of the patriotical hymn — the sound really blew your hound's brains out. Geezus, someone help me stop laughing. I'm at work, and surely doomed~

SheriffRoscoe January 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Is that some sort of koan, Extemp? Are we supposed to be imagining ourselves shopping for new rugs? Cuz that's what I did!

RadioFetusEater January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Wait, that's how stupid Mitts is? He put a wool rug in a kennel?

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 2:16 pm

TO ALL FOUR OF YOU: Hahahahahaha!

(And an extra "Hahaha!" to Mumbletypeg, for getting fired. Sorry woof-woof!)

RadioFetusEater January 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

The 0.0025% really do live differently.

Mumbletypeg January 31, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I had tears in my eyes.. each time my boss would walk past my open door,.. I was conjuring up an excuse — (appropriately enough) "Just got some bad news from the vet* " — in case he asked me why I was crying.

* it wouldn't be lying, b/c I did get word from the vet, she can't see my dog til later in the week than hoped (non-emergency…) ..But now I can't stop thinking of the headline: "Mitt Romney Bursts into Song; Extemporanus's Dog Bursts Into Flames"

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

That dog really tied the room together.

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Spotaneous combustion?!

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Or as Agent Rogerz might say, "Happens sometimes. Pooches just explode."

YouBetcha January 31, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Housekeeper.

aguacatero January 31, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The Rills are Alive,
Mitt the Sound of Retching!

ProgressiveInga January 31, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Needs moar Sandman. Stat.

wvfii January 31, 2012 at 1:36 pm

shouldn't he be singing odes to the Caymans?

Fukui_sanYesOta January 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Mozart's Requiem for the Capital Gains Tax

prommie January 31, 2012 at 1:43 pm

He reminds me of the Denise Richards character in Drop Dead Gorgeous.

SheriffRoscoe January 31, 2012 at 1:46 pm

HA! I love that movie. At first I thought of Chevy Chase in Fletch where he breaks out into O Say Can You See for an audience of old veterans, sitting there, transfixed.

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:02 pm

An under-appreciated gem.

Limeylizzie January 31, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Ok, now I am one of the whitest people around, but that was fucking White.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

That was white with all the excitement of beige.

Say, any word on how your recent performance was received?

Limeylizzie January 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No news, probably should hear by the end of this week, if not then they went with someone much less fun than I . Or taller.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Thanks for the update.

I'll continue to keep my legs crossed for good luck.

Dashboard Buddha January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

You're from England…you've got more of sepia thing going on.

lulzmonger January 31, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Let The Kleagle Soar!

Worth millions, perpetually running for office, always out in public … & you won't splurge on a fucking vocal coach?

FAIL.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

He doesn't need a *vocal* coach. He needs a *humanity* coach.

EBGrey January 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Seriously, what the hell?

MissTaken January 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Mitt and I are exactly the same! We both sing horribly and, mmm, what's the other thing? Oh well, can't remember. But we both sing badly!

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Are you white?

MissTaken January 31, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Oh yeah, whiter than white. I can't carry a tune to save my white ass.

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I'm sure your singing is still better than mine.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Disirregardless, I predict you'll make *sweet* music together.

MissTaken January 31, 2012 at 1:58 pm

But he's not, he's Mormon.

orygoon January 31, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I can't carry a tune either. But I don't want music classes cut out of the schools for lack of funding, so Mitt and I are not like each other.

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:01 pm

But I bet you can dance, and I bet he can't.

SorosBot January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Well you've both worked hard for your money and earned every dollar you have! Oh wait that's just you.

Poindexter718 January 31, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I like it. The president's song was so, well … urban. This, on the other hand, is something we can all dance to.

Barb January 31, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Maybe I will listen to hockey and liveblog the cannibalism.

James Michael Curley January 31, 2012 at 2:10 pm

If you just listen, you don't see the teeth land on the ice.

EBGrey January 31, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I salute you DW!

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

back atcha

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 3:07 pm

We're no longer tied!

I'm doing my best to rectify the situation.

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2012 at 3:09 pm

hey, how you do that!?

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pm

They should just settle the nomination by playing Fear Factor, see who can guzzle the most donkey cum.

SheriffRoscoe January 31, 2012 at 2:10 pm

What and give Rick Santorum the advantage? Let's be fair.

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

No, I think he meant guzzle through the mouth.

miked420 January 31, 2012 at 2:04 pm

That gave me the doosh chills

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Too bad there were no OWS people there, they should have started shouting "PLAY FREEBIRD."

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Actually, I think he might have got that same response from a bunch of inbred redneck honkies, too. With cigarette lighters lit and extended!

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2012 at 2:11 pm

OT, but on a level of importance equivalent to Pearl Harbor, JFK/Dealey Plaza, and 9/11, Monty Python is reuniting for a new movie (Chapman remains dead, however).
http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118049265

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Lemme guess, netflix, michael cera, Arrested Development?

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

He's only resting.

MissTaken January 31, 2012 at 2:15 pm

So when will Newt sing Afternoon Delight for us?

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:17 pm

That was one fucking white-ass song, wasn't it? Like Billy Don't Be A Hero, and Wildfire.

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Or perhaps "Muskrat Love"?

Gopherit January 31, 2012 at 2:17 pm

My, wonkette’s comment stream has changed lo these many months I have been in hiding.

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Man, it is time to put away the things of youth. Arrested Development going back into production is way huger.

prommie January 31, 2012 at 2:19 pm

That performance was more embarrassing than Christina Aguilera's Menstrual Malfunction.

Dashboard Buddha January 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I'm not a fan of CA's music…but damn. Poor thing.

ThundercatHo January 31, 2012 at 2:19 pm

With all the portable oxygen tanks in the room I hope nobody wants an encore.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Extemporanus P-ness Bursts Into 115, Awkwardness Ensues (VIDEO?)

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Starring Amber Lynne as shortsshortsshorts.

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Thank god your disturbingly random reply wasn't "Ginger Lynne as Jm Newell", or all of my childhood fap-athons would be forever tainted.

CapnFatback January 31, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Not to mention my current Newell fap-fests, or–more familiarly–"Grabin' the Gawkers"!

mrblifil January 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I got as far as "fruited plain…" Then I had to turn it off for fear the Secret Service would pick up on my homicidal ideations.

Dumbedup January 31, 2012 at 2:34 pm

The word Honkey now makes sense to me

RedneckMuslin January 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Well, he's no William Shatner.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 4:04 pm

And that's a *sad* thing!

rickmaci January 31, 2012 at 2:51 pm

The election in a nutshell. Obama does a short Al Green thing and adds a moment of fun to the usual dreary stump speech. Mittens feels obligated to show he can sing too, so he responds by going all off key Kate Smith long version on the Florida Teatards. Advantage to the O. LMAO.

BarackMyWorld January 31, 2012 at 2:55 pm

He really fucking loves that song, doesn't he?

valgal2342 January 31, 2012 at 8:57 pm

He just can't hit those high notes.

gurukalehuru January 31, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Ethel Mormon.

Generation[redacted] January 31, 2012 at 3:10 pm

That was the best national anthem since Rosanne Barr.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 3:26 pm

You're right. It's a difficult piece, requiring range and control. For some reason, he's obsessed with this song, stupidly, since he lacks a rich voice and just doesn't have the range to support the sudden swoops from low to high notes and back. Nor does he have the control.

If he keeps doing this, he'll give the election to Obama by a landslide.

EloquentScience January 31, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Next up for Mittens, a new recording of the musical "Hair!"

Antispandex January 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

((( DO FREEBIRD MITT)))

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Speak for yourself, Poin.

Poindexter718 January 31, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I didn't mean you, Mittens. We all know you can't dance (due to both religious and rhythmic considerations).

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Man, that was low. I'm'a see you out behind the barn, dood.

Yeah, I upfisted that. You godda problem wit' dat?

Ducksworthy January 31, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Mittens. Why don't you change "America" to "Switzerland" and let us know where your real love is.

TheMightyHaltor January 31, 2012 at 4:15 pm

It's "purple mountain majesties", not "purple mountain's majesty". Weak.

arihaya January 31, 2012 at 4:21 pm

he is so singular and so ronery

lochnessmonster January 31, 2012 at 4:51 pm

That was so bad my iPad shut it down all by itself!

JackObin January 31, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Perehaps those silly Mormons should prohibit singing as well.

marionetta January 31, 2012 at 5:54 pm

The homophobic Morman moran sings a lesbo song…

(the wordicist, Katherine Lee Bates was a "free flying spinster")

C_R_Eature January 31, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I'd like to see Mitt sing Hymn 43 next.

BZ1 January 31, 2012 at 9:42 pm

did the line "above the fruited plain" sorta stick in everyone's throats?

Negropolis February 1, 2012 at 1:20 am

Imma let you finish, Willard, but Donny Osmond was the best Mormon singer evah.

"America the Beautiful" makes all the wimmenz wet.

Biel_ze_Bubba February 1, 2012 at 9:02 am

And in spite of this dreadful performance, Mitt collected $54,000 in interest and dividends today. Just like yesterday. Just like tomorrow. Just like every day of the year. Taxed at 15%.

If you're not sufficienlty horrified by that, check out where the money in his $30 million PAC comes from.

These brain-dead redneck imbeciles, after being royally fucked over by Wall Street banksters, are going to vote for a puppet president with Goldman Sachs' hand up his ass. It's absolutely mind-boggling.

Generation[redacted] February 1, 2012 at 9:35 am

I made it all the way to 0:07, now please don't ever show that video again.

ThundercatHo January 31, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Those always remind me of the old-fashioned pink rubber douche bags hanging off the shower (hmm, maybe I should get one just to embarrass the snot out of my teenaged son). Anywho, I must agree with Chichi about the prednisone burst. It's like a drink from the fountain of youth.

DaRooster January 31, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Those bottles do hold a good amount of whiskey…

15 minutes heat
15 minutes cold
(about 3 revolutions and then give yourself a break of at least an hour… nerve damage possibilities)

Chichikovovich January 31, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Apparently there are quite bad consequences if you take it too long – like serious compromise to the immune system bad – but if your reaction is anything like mine, you'll want to keep taking it forever. The "burst" comes from the fact that you typically get it in a short, condensed blast over a few days. But it's such a jolt to the system that you need to take it in increasing doses for about a glorious week, then the hit, then slowly decreasing doses for another glorious week. Then bye-bye prednisone. (Wipes away manly tear.)

RadioFetusEater January 31, 2012 at 2:15 pm

The doctor is in. Professional courtesy, if you will.

elviouslyqueer January 31, 2012 at 2:39 pm

And I can tell you, weaning yourself off of prednisone must be done s…l…o…w…l…y. A million years ago, my oncologist gave me prednisone as part of my chemo but neglected to give me a "come down dose." LSS, I quickly discovered that males can indeed have PMS.

bagofmice January 31, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Brilliant idea! A hot water bottle toddy! Ease the pain in two ways at once. You sir are a genius.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 4:08 pm

You really like bringing out the pedantic stick-up-the-ass me, don't you, you li'l devil? (hugs the Chet)

DaRooster January 31, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Years of practice…

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Agreed! This has the lucrative makings to be the Slanket for the arthritic alcoholic set!

Chet Kincaid January 31, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Sincere thanks for the additional info and words of warning, you guys.

(EQ: Any chance that you'd consider taking it and then stopping without a come down dose again? Something tells me that your PMS-poisoned comments would be positively p-ness shaking.)

Extemporanus January 31, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Can you write me a totally rad prescription, Doc?

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Rest easy, my friend. I'm happy to have been of help. It takes about 24 hours, but after a good night's sleep and the heating and deep relaxation, you should be back to a less -cidal self in no time! With warmest wishes and a very careful hug, MittBorg.

MittBorg January 31, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Just keep smackin' that bass and don't you worry about it, El Pinche. Pretty soon, you'll be looking forward to being tweeted.

RadioFetusEater January 31, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I hope you haven't dropped off into a opiate/benzo/alcohol coma yet. I've finally got more than a few seconds to offer you advice my friend. From a pharmacological standpoint a burst of anti-inflammatory steroids is safe and effective. Prednisone 40 mg daily for five days has been my go to for the last 20 or so years. Despite Chich's and Elvious' concerns, there is NO need to taper and there are minimal side effects — except like the NSAID's take with something in your little belly.
The vicodoodles and benzo's are effective but try to reserve them for for severe pain or sleepytime. Keep the NSAID's steady state. I like Ibuprofen 600 mg 4 X's a day with food.
No Chiropractor needs to go near that precious neck of yours — talk about made up religion, that's a made up science.
Like MittBorg was talking below heat is good, and alternating with cold is even better. Those Shaq sponsored sticky heat pads are pretty cool.
No soft collars, they tend to weaken the supporting muscles. Stay up and active, for the same reason. Stretching, Stretch, and range of motion is great and your limits should be when you feel pain. Build the dang fence.
And finally, the best advice I can give you regarding medicine is to move to Canada.

Extemporanus February 1, 2012 at 6:07 am

Well shit, Radio, I feel like a fuckin' schmuck right about now.

I replied to your wholly unexpected, incredibly helpful, totally awesome above-the-call-of-duty comment shortly after you left it, but because I neglected to hit "Submit", or I shut down before it went through, or I simply imagined the whole thing in my addled alter state, said reply ain't here. It just ain't here, man!

Grrr…

I'm sincerely sorry about that, and hope that my delayed response hasn't left you worried to distraction, or more understandably, P.O.'d. (I actually went grocery shopping, did laundry, made meat loaf, and stretched until I cried in the interim.) I'll attempt a quick recap during this supposedly brief post-beddie-byebathroom break blog check:

Had I known that your "doctor is in" comment was — as Baconz might say, "100% snark free" — I wouldn't have been quite so cavalier in replying with an off-hand request for a "rad prescription". For some reason, I've always assumed that your medical field bona fides were focused on just cold zappin' cancer cells and shit while wearing a badass lead lined black butcher bib or something.

I lay corrected, sir.

So anyhoozle, here's the deal-e-o with my whack-ass back 'n' shit, shared if for no other reason than to possibly help make your cyber house call clinically worthwhile through the unsolicited introduction of statistically insignificant, inherently suspect, anecdotal data:

My sub-cervical vertebrae — most notably T2-T5, adjacent to the top and leading edge of my scapula — display what I've been told is an unusual anomaly. Basically, they each have an extra set of superior articular processees (sp?), which means that my lower neck/upper shoulder nerves need to traverse an especially gnarly, pinch prone route out from the spine. One sneeze with my head turned just so (such as what happened this morning), and I'm screwed.

I've dealt with this for as long as I can remember (though I've been able to minimize flare-ups to once or twice a year), and the response you prescribed (minus the Prednisone) is pretty much what I finally settled upon about ten years ago as being the most efficacious. If I don't hit it fast and hard with cold/hot, Vicodin, muscle relaxants, and ibuprofen, the pain and immobility quickly spreads to the point where it's a good (bad) few months before I'm back to relative normal and no longer lurching around like Herman Munster. My biggest problem always is getting the necessary meds when it happens: You walk into a doctor's office detailing exactly what you need, and they tend to assume that you're just 'script shopping and send you on your way with just some Motrin, if you're lucky.

Here's another fun back fact, which I've been told is also seldom (if ever) seen in individuals thirty years past puberty: My sacrum never fused, so when my lower back goes out (which it does a few times a year), the foundation of my spine offers all the support of a bendy straw, and my sciatic nerve array sucks pure pain from my ass on up. Awesome!

Um, sorry….I should probably stop typing now. (Did I really even type all that? Really?!)

Thanks again, my friend, and please don't be offended if I delete this tomorrow, for dignity.

sunmusing February 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

Thanks for your encouragement, truly appreciated. I slipped on the ice and did the splits. Ya know an old body just doesn't want to do those things. The dogs just looked down on me, and I could just hear them thinking how funny I looked laying there rolling around in pain. If I could I would make a feeble attempt at giving them a good kick in the ass. But they would just laugh.

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