Those are some weird jammies, Newt!

Turbo edition ridiculousness machine Newt Gingrich is terminally unable to shut up about his “wait why is this even a fake issue?” theory that America’s disadvantaged students are incurably lazy — first it was elementary school students, and this weekend he delivered a diatribe excoriating the current generation of university students for expecting “free money” to go to school and refusing like a bunch of snot-nosed ninnies to get part-time work study jobs. (That seems like pretty much every college student you know, right?) Of course Newt SURELY speaks from experience, having diligently worked his way through school?

Flog the dead high horse harder, Newt:

“Students take fewer classes per semester. They take more years to get through. Why? Because they have free money,” Gingrich said. “I would tell students: ‘Get through as quick as you can. Borrow as little as you can. Have a part-time job.’ But that’s very different from the culture that has grown up in the last 20 years.”

And now the key excerpt from the 1995 Vanity Fair profile that proves Newt’s generalizations about college kids are, no surprise here, derived solely from his own experience trying to wheedle money from his parents and spouse:

“Newt, who avoided Vietnam with student and marriage deferments, resisted taking a job. During his college years, Newt called up his father and stepmother to ask for financial help. His stepmother, Marcella McPherson, can still hear his exact words: ‘I do not want to go to work. I want all my time for my studies. . . . Bob Gingrich told me he will not help me one bit. So I wondered, would you people help me?’ Big Newt began sending him monthly checks.

“Dolores Adamson, Gingrich’s district administrator from 1978 to 1983, remembers, ‘Jackie put him all the way through school. All the way through the PhD. . . . He didn’t work.’ ”

Anyway. So how is Newt Gingrich faring in the polls ahead of tomorrow’s primary in Florida? Oh look, he’s going to lose by a million points. [WaPo]

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  • nounverb911

    I thought Newt was the first man on the moon in 1969.

    • spends2much

      He has the same gravitational pull.

    • BarryOPotter

      Oh, I see the problem. No, uh, nounverb991, Newt was the first man who's ass was mistaken to be the moon in 1969. Honest mistake…

      • Loaded_Pants

        I guess that's why the flag stayed in place. They found to right hole to put it in.

    • PsycWench

      He traveled there by hot-air balloon. Guess the origin of the hot air?

    • lefty74

      Its been said before that we'd be very lucky to see Newt work for us.

      • GhostBuggy

        Yes, sort of like catching a glimpse of sasquatch in the woods. And much like sasquatch, is it just someone in a scary costume?

  • Crank_Tango

    Well that picture sure explains everything.

  • MrFizzy

    What, no employers seeking insufferable hairballs?

  • SorosBot

    Looking at my student loan bill, that money sure ain't free, Newt.

    • Oblios_Cap

      No shit. I still have 2 more years until I'm paid off and have been paying $800/month for as long as I can remember.

    • PsycWench

      Funny how all my students have scholarships and grants and still owe $20,000+ when they leave.

    • Millennial Malaise

      Student loan bill? Oh, you mean that pile of unopened envelopes from Sallie Mae, collecting dust (and interest!) on my mantle.

    • Tundra Grifter


      That's Ole Newt's idea of "free money."

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Newt Gingrich? A disingenuous, hypocritical lard-sac you say?

    If he only gets early-onset Alzheimer's then he really is the one to wear the Mantle of St Reagan (pbuh).

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Takes one to know one, amirite, Newt?

  • nounverb911

    Is Shelly Adelson still paying for Newt's education?

    • freakishlywrong

      No, the first wife did..

      • Callyson

        In more ways than one.

    • Rotundo_

      Aren't we all in some sense? If he only graduated high school, got shipped off to Vietnam and sent home in a body bag we wouldn't have to listen to him.

      • Nothingisamiss

        I hated myself for upfisting you.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Whoever paid for it, got ripped off.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, look how consistent the guy is on "family values." What more would you expect?

  • BZ1

    Newt doesn't wear that outfit much, nowadays, pity …

  • spends2much

    Every day I think my Newt Hate Meter has maxed out, but then I learn more about him, and must turn the dial WAY past 11.

  • So Newt sucked at the teat of his parents? I wonder why he didn't ask his teachers for the money. He could have sold sex…

    • SorosBot

      It looks like his college was mostly paid for by his first wife – who was also his high school teacher, That's the wife he repaid with divorce papers while she was being treated for cancer. Family values!

      • That, um, was my point ;-)

      • Fare la Volpe

        I'm pretty sure the wife who got divorce papers in the cancer ward was his second wife. Mr. Gingrich would like to remind his constituents that he was a late-in-life scumbag.

        • MosesInvests

          No, first wife got served papers in the cancer ward. Second wife/firsts mistress got told of Newt's desire for an open marriage right after she found out she has MS. I know, it's hard to keep track without a program.

          • jus_wonderin

            I am entering all this into my Excel Spreadsheet.

          • You'll need a bigger hard drive if you want to keep track of the number of time Newt acts like an asshole.

          • Fare la Volpe

            No wonder Callista never goes to the doctor.

          • PsycWench

            She makes an exception for Dr. Botox, I believe. That and the hair has enabled her to look a mere 10 years my senior, even though she is five years younger than I am.

          • Biff

            If she's getting botoxed, why do they keep missing her lips?

          • YasserArraFeck

            do porcelain cyborgs go to doctors?

          • jus_wonderin

            They do dream of electric sheep.

          • YasserArraFeck

            Anything to take her mind off blowing Newt

          • Mind?

          • YasserArraFeck

            Anything to distract her CentralWhoreDiamondAcquisitionSubRoutine when she applies 3-4 psi negative pressure to Captain FatBack's reproductive member

          • CapnFatback

            Who's doing what to me now? And it's worth 3-4 p-points, you say?

          • YasserArraFeck

            Sorry Cap'n – I completely forget that there was already a Wonketeer by that name. I was referring, of course, to Speaker Fuckwit. I apologise for any feelings of squirmishness you might have experienced at the thought of the Callistatron going down.

          • I think he's going to refudiate that.

            ps: My spellchecker hates Sara Palin.

          • CapnFatback

            Castration before Callistatron!

      • Tundra Grifter


        Ole Newt went "Ph.T." – "Putting Hubby Through."

        • Biff

          His wife shoulda "put hubby down.

    • widestanceshakedown

      OK, may I borrow some of YOUR brain bleach now?

  • edgydrifter

    Speaking as someone who actually did work as a night janitor to pay for college, I would like to extend to Newt my most cordial invitation to go fuck himself.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      From the desk of Groton P Arsegargler III, Secretary to Speaker Gingrich

      Dear Mr Drifter

      Mr. Gingrich, whilst delighted by your very kind missive, is afraid he must decline your invitation of autocopulation.

      He has asked me to convey the sentiment that you should, in fact, do as he says, not as he does. He finished with "I've got mine, ha ha, let the proles suffer", which I believe is in the Bible.

      Yours etc

      Groton P Arsegargler III
      pp Newt Gringrich

    • James Michael Curley

      Me too. 'Cept I mostly worked in Motorcycle shops.

    • YasserArraFeck

      You gotta be able to find your own dick to fuck yourself, so Speaker BileSac is out of luck

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I do not want to go to work. I want all my time for my studies."

    I was the same way, Newt, totally dedicated to getting a first-rate education (nudge nudge wink wink).

    • PsycWench

      He even got his parents/wife to cover all the bar tabs? Sheeesh.

      Seriously, our top students usually work at least 10 hours per week. It doesn't hurt you.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Crow T. Robot was always right. "We sent the wrong people to Vietnam."

    • NYNYNYjr

      Newt would have loved Vietnam. So much HISTORY!

  • DaRooster


  • Come here a minute

    Not the first time the family has had problems with "Little Newt".

  • DaRooster

    Free money?
    Is that why a students debt is a zillion times more than ever before?

  • Generation[redacted]

    I advise students to get through as quickly as possible, and call Newt's parents if you need money.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Newt cashed the checks, and then sought to emancipate himself from his parents in order to seek out richer adoptive parents.

  • AutomaticPilot

    Holding others to standards that you don't hold for yourself… what a hypo (wait for it…) pottamus!

  • OzoneTom

    Why does Newt's middle finger smell like bacon?

    • I really, really don't want to know.

    • Loaded_Pants

      He eats it raw?

    • doloras


  • Pragmatist2

    Ah, but you see, working your way through school is for the little people.
    Newt, you will note, is not "little."

  • SorosBot

    Having a part time job in addition to taking classes makes it harder to get through college as fast as possible, Newt you moron.

  • freakishlywrong

    Higher education for me, janitorial work for thee..

  • SoBeach

    "Students take fewer classes per semester. They take more years to get through. Why? Because they have free money."

    Lazy shits. Get it through your commie heads. It's okay to take more years to get through school if you're hanging out on campus to avoid getting your lily white ass shot at in Viet Nam. But if you're dragging your feet toward graduation just so you can pile up more student loan debt you're nothing but a slacker.

  • SockBunny

    Newt's a plushie, and pig f*cker by the looks of it. Kermit and Miss Piggy really ought to sue.

  • prommie

    Hey now, keeping your older, ugly sugar momma happy, if you know what I mean, that is hard work. People have a lot of misconceptions about sex workers. most are forced into it by circumstance, they don't choose it, and its a hard life. Newt deserves our support and compassion.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Damn. Seeing that picture has made me leave the yiff pile.

    • MinAgain

      Hell hath no furry, like a Newt Gingrich scorned.

  • If he goes to the Moon he will only weigh 1/6th of what he weighs on the Earth. Imagine that! However, he will still have the same big fat head and matching body. The Moon can not help him there.

    • jus_wonderin

      But, the vacuum of space could.

    • Biff

      Gravity-defying fupa, think of it!

  • Extemporanus

    In Newt's defense, he is still paying off his fursuit dry cleaning bill loans.

  • Is there like a single word that's ever flown out of Newt's blowhole that wasn't a piece of hypocritcal crap?

    • Rotundo_

      Perhaps conjuctions and proper nouns, but when analyzed as a whole, no, it has all been hypocritical crap. Sorta like picking corn out of a turd.

    • real_dc_native


    • comrad_darkness

      If there was, he's certainly already retracted it.

  • raygotaway

    So . . . .what kind of cleanser did his kids use to clean their
    school toilets? Damn lazy, pasty white men . . . .

    • Biff

      Dutch or Bon Ami, because he's fucking old.

  • Fuckin' Pig Newton.

    I got student loans every year and worked in the dish room. (Union job, too, by the way.)

  • SayItWithWookies

    The only career advice Newt is capable of giving from experience is that panhandlers do better if they wear a suit and speak faux-academic condescenscion.

    • chicken_thief

      The suit and condescension do fundamentally and profoundly transform a person….

    • prommie

      He does love himself, doesn't he? He is utterly dazzled by his own intellect.

    • "Bring it on down to Panderville…!!!!"

  • Baconzgood

    Fuckin Hypoc….What's the point. I just want to say I came from a poor family (my mom was a maid) and I put myself through a Masters at a school WAY more prestigious then Emory(board) University. Now I'm the porky success you see today.


    • prommie

      But, but, but, Emory is one of the Harvards of the South! The South has so many Harvards, its kinda cute, they want to think they have real universities, just like the grown-ups.

  • Callyson

    "Students take fewer classes per semester. They take more years to get through. Why? Because they have free money."
    No, actually, the reason is that there have been so many cutbacks that students cant *get* the classes they need to graduate, hence they are taking longer to get their degree, asshole.

    • real_dc_native

      Not to mention that cutbacks have driven up the tuition at state schools so that you have to work more hors to pay for it.

  • Why are women so nice to this guy? It's not like he's especially charming–quite the opposite, he's fucking repulsive.

    • Rotundo_

      Only the ones in search of a convenient meal ticket or that are spectacularly ugly and being used as a meal ticket by Newt! The first was the latter, the following two were the former in Newt!'s case.

    • comrad_darkness

      Listen to the Steve Martin routine Cruel Shoes and substitute Chubby White Moneybags.

    • fuflans

      technically, only three of us were nice to him.

    • Mojopo

      It's not like a bird faced gold digger can be super choosy. Like Callista Bisek was going to score a Clooney? Bitch please.

    • Negropolis

      Because (whore)diamonds are a girl's best friend?

  • BigDumbRedDog

    See, he is just helpfully pointing out what one SHOULD do if one did not have the foresight to be born upper middle class/rich. But since he had the foresight to be born into the correct socio-economic class then none of this has anything to do with him.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The important distinction is that Newt didn't suck off the federal government and then have to pay them back with interest on loans you can't get rid or, he sucked off of people he could con and could just ignore (or divorce for someone younger) if he didn't want to pay them back.

    That's good old fashion American Entrepreneurship.

    • Biff

      Wait, who did newt suck off?

  • ph7

    Infamous Bob Dole/ Newt Gingrich exchange from 1996:

    Newt: "Why do people take such an instant dislike to me?"
    Bob Dole: "Because it saves them time."

    • MOG2410

      The first time he fooled most of the people, most of the time.

    • Veritas78

      It's a sad day when one longs for the likes of Bob Dole.

  • smoothmineral

    He was obviously too busy creating jobs for the ladies to work himself.

  • Extemporanus

    By the way, Kirsten, if you still have any outstanding student loans, "turbo edition ridiculousness machine Newt Gingrich" just paid them in fucking full.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Yeah, seconded. I had to re-read that a couple of times to let the true awesomeness of the phrasing sink in.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Close to par with "guano faucet," which remains my perennial favorite cut-down.

  • VaWyo

    He was too busy finding that first wife to work. Freeloader.

  • chicken_thief

    Haven't we had about enough of the MSM and their stupid gotcha! facts?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I managed to avoid college debt by working my way through college and getting partial scholarships. Of course, I also did this by going to an inexpensive state school that was no help at all when it came time to actually use my degree. Then I wised up and took out a loan to pay for grad school.

    • Gunner Asch

      I think I'm too debt-averse to go to college these days. Between going back into the Reserves, Berkeley's $110 per quarter tuition (in 1971), and living in a serial-rapist type of van I made it through without owing a nickle. BTW, did I mention where my future wife and I had our first, um, studying session?

  • real_dc_native

    But I'm sure Newt paid his step-mother back every penny right?

    Oh! Is that just something that the lazy people who don't have rich relatives need to do?

  • rickmaci

    I figured there was a reason the Snowbilly Queen would endorse Speaker Moonshot. Grifters have to stick to together.

  • chicken_thief

    …“Newt, who avoided Vietnam with student and marriage deferments,…"

    Which is why Newt is so adamantly anti-war today. Also. Too.

  • Douché

    "I don't wanna live with my current wife, I wanna devote all my time to my mistresses"

  • chicken_thief

    Slightly off topic, but is that Newt's first wife with him in the photo above or the gal that he was fucking while his first wife was out earning money to put him through college?

    • prommie

      Second wife. I like this one, you can see in her face, she's smart, has a look about her.

      • paris biltong

        Also ratted on him, which is to her credit.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Kids can get out of mopping floors when they come up as ideas as clever as moon colonies and voluntary tax codes.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    You guys ever notice how the work always comes first in work/study?

  • jus_wonderin

    I gotta say I worked and paid for my college up front. On the other hand, my daughter got a scholarship for our instate school by keeping her grades up. She worked as well. She also graduated Suma Cum Laude. With TWO distinct degrees.

    Newt is a slacker. Though, he blows hard.

    Edit: Oh heck, whatever the highest honors are…she got em.

  • BlueStateLibel

    The old make-your-wife-pay-for-your-education-then-dump-them-when-you-start-making-money scam perfected by doctors. Nice!

  • mavenmaven

    Is every republican a furry?

    • GOPCrusher

      Yes. But not all furries are Republiklans.

  • comrad_darkness

    The right-wing hypocrisy gravy train. Whooo hoooooooo! Chugga Chugga chuga chuga.

  • PsycWench

    To paraphrase my dad: If you bought Newt Gingrich for what he's worth and sold him for what he think's he's worth, you'd never have to work a day in your life again.

    • PubOption

      Infinite return on investment!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Wasn't he too busy fucking his high school math teacher on the back roads of some army base somewhere in Geogia when he was in college to get a job? I know every time I told my boss I needed time off from my work study job at slip it to my girlfriend (which was every day, pretty much but that goes w/out saying) it was no problemo getting the time off. Especially after they fired me for missing work, pretty much every day.

  • UnholyMoses

    "I do not want to go to work. I want all my time for my studies trying to convince women to be faithful to me while I go around fucking others, both literally and figuratively.


  • comrad_darkness

    “Politicians sit and debate even less per session. They take more years to get through the simplist legislation. Why? Because they have free money. I would tell politicians: ‘Get through the election as quick as you can. Beg from deep pocketed PACs as little as you can. Have a real job just like your constituents.’ But that’s very different from the culture that has grown up in the last 20 years.”

    Absofuckinglootely it is.

  • owhatever

    He majored in Redneck Studies and did so well they awarded him not only a diploma, but a red satin Klan sheet, too. His high school teacher, who by then was his first wife and paying his tuition, wept with joy, then got sick and that was that.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I don't think I knew a single student who wasn't on work-study. And I went to one of those private all-women's East Coast colleges, where you expect everyone to be a debutante child of wealthy, powerful men, or raging lesbians*.

    *They were generally both, actually.

  • GOPCrusher

    So you got the complete Communist Indoctrination.

  • littlebigdaddy

    So is that Newt's newt costume?

  • Newt needs to be reminded of the dignity of work.

  • spends2much

    A little O/T, but don't the Conservative Jesus fans usually, you know, scorn "homewrecker" ladies? It has been admitted by all parties that Newt was plowing Callista while wife #2 was still on the books. She gets a free pass, does she?

    • flamingpdog

      Free pass for expensive ass.

  • Veritas78

    It should be noted that Newt has never had a "real job" in the sense that we and 99% of Americans have. Neither has his former "employee," Grover Norquist.

  • ttommyunger

    Jeez, I worked full-time and got my BA in three and a half years; but as it turns out only a few thousand people think I'm a total asshole, whereas literally millions world-wide hold that opinion of Newtie. Guess I'm just a piker compared to an over-achiever like him.

    • glasspusher

      True that, my friend. I worked 30+ hours a week while going full time (18 to 19.5 credit hours). Thought I was hot shit until a girl who was in one of my classes confessed to working 50 hours a week and taking 22 credits a semester. She denied any use of speed. Did I also tell you she was recovering from cervical cancer? Hope she's OK…

      • ttommyunger

        Don't know your excuse, but I hated school.

        • glasspusher

          I hated school until grad school.

          • ttommyunger

            Never did any of that……ever! Never had the urge.

    • flamingpdog

      Seen pictures of his first wife? He was more of a Rover-achiever.

      • ttommyunger

        Fer some people, looks don't matter 'cause they always have their face in your lap.

  • Crowe2011

    But look; he didn't have to work through university because his first wife helped him out. That's what spouses do; they stick by each other – through thick and thin, rich and poor, sick and health. That's why you can't have gays marrying; why, I'm sure if one of them got sick the other would just abandon his obligations and find a younger replacement. Which would necessitate something like Obamacare; if the people don't care enough about common decency then 'Big Government' would have to. And it would need to raise the money by doing something crazy like saying income from investments was income. Lunacy! So Newt "the definer of civilization" was protecting us from all that hideousness by being so faithful and noble and leeching off his first wife. See?

  • So, it appears Newt's a furry. That paints a horrifying picture.

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