FLOTUS FILES  1:09 pm January 30, 2012

British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...The Europeans just cannot get enough of our First Lady Michelle Obama. She is all they have right now, with their money spinning down the toilet and Heidi Klum experiencing a divorce tragedy, etc. Last week, the French shared their opinions about Michelle Obama and her brave decision to not dress like MC Hammer. Now, of course, the British have decided that they do not like competing with France for the title of “Country With Best Insane Published Writing About FLOTUS.” But their take on Michelle Obama is a little more “saucy,” as they would say, because it involves (tee hee!) underpants!

Several funny “news” outlets published claims that our fancypants Michelle Obama spent what we guess is about $50,000 on actual fancy pants.

Michelle Obama is reportedly sexing up the White House after blowing £32,000 on saucy underwear.

America’s First Lady splashed the cash in ONE DAY during a shopping spree in New York’s Agent Provocateur store.

She bought posh pants and a £900 corset while out with the Queen of Qatar, Sheikha Mozah.

We can just imagine all the fun they must have had in the dressing room, giggling about cosmopolitans and Sharia law! The White House is rejecting the story, but it would make for an excellent plot line in an eventual FLOTUS comic series, in which she would most likely be dressed in lingerie (and a cape) and fighting off Rush Limbaugh with her magic garden shears. [The Mirror]

 
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{ 142 comments }

vulpes82 January 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

History's greatest monster.

ShaveTheWhales January 30, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Politico, right?

horsedreamer_1 January 30, 2012 at 9:42 pm

PolitiFact would estimate the total money spent on lingerie in Michelle's lifetime, then give the British report a rating of TRUE.

professorcastillo January 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I think a story about Mitt Romney's underwear would be much more interesting.

Tundra Grifter January 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Considering that, according to his Federal income tax returns, he spent a great deal more on his last year.

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I won't believe corporations are people until they start wearing sexy negligees.

Beowoof January 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It would be a magical tale.

comrad_darkness January 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

>She bought posh pants and a £900 corset while out with the Queen of Qatar, Sheikha Mozah.

Well, my fantasy life just got about 100x richer.

MOG2410 January 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Yikes, and I thought the NY Post was bad.

Guppy January 30, 2012 at 2:18 pm

With News of the World gone, someone has to carry the banner!

DerrickWildcat January 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

You can get a bag of like 6 or 7 underwears at Walmart for 10 dollars.

Guppy January 30, 2012 at 2:19 pm

And they're made in SaipanAmerica!

Advn2rgirl January 30, 2012 at 8:11 pm

…And still look sexy/real sexy/like those models on TV. [She] don't need no designer tags to make her man want [her. She's] just a Redneck Woman…

MrFizzy January 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

The last occupant of the White House who spent $50,000 on women's underwear was George Bush.

Barrelhse January 30, 2012 at 3:38 pm

For Condi?

Blueb4sunrise January 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

fap fap fap fap fap

MrFizzy January 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Quick, more cold cream.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Ice works faster.

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:35 pm

If that's not snark, I want to know more about this, "ice."

Limeylizzie January 30, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Couple of cubes in the mouth + oral sex = fabulousness.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It's snark, it's snark!

That's all I need, to develop a rep for even more weird and kinky sex.

starfanglednut January 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Explain please. Just for the sake of my, um ahh curiosity.

NellCote71 January 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Oh, it's for men. Never mind.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I haz no explanashunz.

Blueb4sunrise January 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Testicular zap 'may stop sperm'
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-16756381

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I'd really like to see if *anybody* can convince the vast majority of men that frying their balls with some kinda technology or the other could *ever* be a *good* thing.

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:57 pm

We are famous for WTF-applications to our junk, tis true.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

…she would most likely be dressed in lingerie (and a cape) and fighting off Rush Limbaugh with her magic garden shears.

El Fathead, meanwhile, would be dressed like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. (Except way fatter, of course.)
~

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

When you're Flush Limpballs, you don't *have* to dress. At all.

Wut? It's not like anyone could even *see* his peepee from under the FUPA.

Fare la Volpe January 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

So THAT'S what that's called!

I always wondered what the hell to call that….thing.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I have learned SO MUCH since I first started hanging out here. SO MUCH more than I wanted, anyway.

yyyaz January 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

(Yet-to-be) shriveled paniculus libel!

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 1:59 pm

*Nothing* you say about Flush Rimbown could *ever* be libel.

yyyaz January 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I was thinking about all the other shriveled paniculi out there yearning for Flushblo's to join them. Oh, the humanity!

BarackMyWorld January 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I see London, I see France, Michelle buys fancy underpants.

UW8316154 January 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yowza! I'll forgive Barry if he seems a little distracted for the next few days.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Um. BRB.

Chichikovovich January 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Where's everybody going? Let's keep talking about Canada.

weej_bain January 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Are you sure the FLOTUS wears flannel long johns?

SorosBot January 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

OK I just saw Michelle Obama's underwear in the title and um, I think I have to run off and take care of something; be back in a bit…

Fare la Volpe January 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

A black woman who doesn't wear Snoop Dogg thongs? Mon dieu!

Chichikovovich January 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Sneaky devil – trying to audition for a job at French Elle

Fare la Volpe January 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Je ne regrette rien.

Chet Kincaid January 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Don't call the FLOTUS a neregrette!!

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Can you call her negligee "filmy noir"?

Chichikovovich January 30, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Say that one more time, Fare, and Chet will smack you.

Piaf! right in the kisser.

Negropolis January 31, 2012 at 12:15 am

The motto of the Republican Party.

horsedreamer_1 January 30, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Sisqo Libel.

Gratuitous World January 30, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Rush: used undies of GTFO

ProgressiveInga January 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"Let them eat panties!"

Wait, what?

Tundra Grifter January 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

It is going to be quelle amusing to trace this wild lie though the right wing nutz' media. From Drudge to Sheer InSannity to Off-the-Mark Levin, to Ann Falter, Boss "I wasn't wrong; I was misinformed" BlunderRush,and the rest of their ilk.

There will be a blazed trail of stupid.

paris biltong January 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Very interesting. Problem is that the Mirror is less reliable as a source of actual news regarding matters of brassieres and bloomers than the National Enquirer.

Extemporanus January 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Anyone mind if I smoke?

I'm out of lube…

PsycWench January 30, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Friction burn?

Extemporanus January 30, 2012 at 2:19 pm

The Agent Provocateur website is an out of control crotch fire waiting to happen.

meatlofer January 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I bought Barbara Bush's underwear at a surplus auction, it keeps the elements off my '75 Chevy Caprice, very nicely.

Tundra Grifter January 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm

The great Carrie Snow used to say she had the same bra size as a Corvette.

ttommyunger January 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I say it is only proper that America's First Pussy be wrapped in the finest silk and linen. They're just jealous 'cause their Queen's Twinky is all wrinkled and rancid.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:54 pm

You're *awful,* even on your *good* days.

ttommyunger January 30, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Yes, but you love it; admit it ;)

DerrickWildcat January 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Salvation Army and Goodwill have pretty cheap underwears. If you ask a lady at the store really nice about them, sometimes they will just give them to you for free. They may not all fit very well, but they are under your pants so no one can see them anyway.

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Just as long as she doesn't get those panties all up in a wad.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 3:08 pm

THere ain't enough to wad, sweetie. Go take a look on their Web site.

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Probably NSFW. Tonight after I get home.

sarah_connor January 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Beats the heck out of W.'s, I mean, Condi's, shoe shopping sprees

MissTaken January 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Don't know about you all, but I know where I'm spending my tax return this year!

SorosBot January 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I'm thinking of getting some fancy underwear too; maybe a purple satin thong.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:55 pm

You guys! Pix or GTFO!!!

MissTaken January 30, 2012 at 3:20 pm

My ladybits just clamped up….thanks.

SorosBot January 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I don't think there is such a thing as sexy underwear for men that actually is sexy and not silly.

Goonemeritus January 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

No sane person would use garden shears to fight off Rush Limbaugh. A long pointy stick is always the weapon of choice; it allows one to keep a reasonable distance.

PsycWench January 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

A sharpened boat oar, say.

comrad_darkness January 30, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Cattle prod. Always go with the cattle prod. One zap and he's on the ground crying for his mommy.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I have it on good authority (the Area 51 Hatchery) that Flush Rimbowl doesn't *have* a mommy.

fuflans January 30, 2012 at 11:04 pm

i believe the elizabethean term of choice is 'sup with a long spoon'.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I wonder exactly how they found out who spent what on which items. I'm sure the Queen of Qatar would be interested too.

PsycWench January 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm

They have a Ouija board for that kind of hardcore fact-checking.

OkieDokieDog January 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I have some posh pants. They're American made Levi's. (yes, they're old)

Mahousu January 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm

fighting off Rush Limbaugh with her magic garden shears.

Oh, I think a set of nail clippers would be enough for that.

GregComlish January 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

This whole story is zero-credibility bullshit engineered to titillate British sexuality. The only thing I will say for it is that its preferable to the fevered fantasies that we usually encounter on Wonkette, ie: the hateful, paranoid, and decidely unsexy rantings of America's rusty Winnebago racists.

Chet Kincaid January 30, 2012 at 1:28 pm

And so the Great Mooshelle $50,000 Underpants Myth is born. Don't leave a comment without it, Wingtards!

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I'm tellin' ya. Even the top-level kinksters of our fine neighbouring city will tell ya there ain't no such thing as $50K underroos. Maybe if you wanted to splurge on a REALLY fancy silk-lined corset with REAL whalebone and handmade lace trim, but nobody wears that shit because it's too uncomfortable. It's just for fancy play scenes, and Michelle and Barry don't have time for that shit.

freakishlywrong January 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

The teatards panties will be in a wad about this one, hooo-boy!

MissTaken January 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Finally! An underwear thread that doesn't involve magical Mormon long johns.

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

When I have underwear threads, I just yank real hard on them and they usually snap right off.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I'm just really crushed that this hasn't turned into another discussion of the underroos you and that bad boy are buying each other for your birfdays.

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

What the heck does Michelle need with a 900-pound corset? Sounds like she was reaching across the aisle and shopping for Rushbo.

Baconzgood January 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I find this easy to masterbate to.

Terry January 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"She bought posh pants and a £900 corset while out with the Queen of Qatar, Sheikha Mozah."

I'd be more inclined to believe this if they said she was out shopping with some friends from Chicago.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Especially since there isn't a single damn corset in their entire line that sells for even $1,000. A far cry from a £900 corset.

SayItWithWookies January 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I imagine Michelle wears something tasteful yet hot — in fact, I'm imagining her right now wearing caramel dessert topping.

Nothingisamiss January 30, 2012 at 2:22 pm

FTW.

MissTaken January 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Based on what I've seen of AP's lingerie I don't think we'll be seeing or hearing from Barry in quite a while.

flamingpdog January 30, 2012 at 1:44 pm

The Secret Service stationed in the family living quarters might be hearing from him.

MissTaken January 30, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I really hope that Sasha and Malia have rooms quite a distance away.

donner_froh January 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Hey, Rush–want to lose fifty pounds of ugly fat?

Let FLOTUS chop off your head with her magic garden shears.

Antispandex January 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm

No pictures of the FLOTUS in her knickers? What a jip!

gurukalehuru January 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I will pass on this snark rich target to simply point out that a potential contributing factor to this journalistic embellishment might be the difference in American and British English interpretations of the word "pants."

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Good lord, you're right!

IncenseDebate January 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Can my dream possibly be reality?

tealsheart January 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

£ 2,000 on SAUCY underwear

ONE question, how much for the "saucy'ness?"

chicken_thief January 30, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I was thinking the same – were those fucking things USED?!

philpjfry January 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Dressed in lingerie and a cape. Now THAT I would pay to see.

Beowoof January 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

How many of those news outlets happen to be owned by Rupert?

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 1:54 pm

AOT, K?

mavenmaven January 30, 2012 at 1:45 pm

And to think, in Japan you can just buy them from machines on the street.

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Why are they not saying she stole it all? Hello, she IS black, you know.

pdiddycornchips January 30, 2012 at 1:51 pm

My girl did the same thing last weekend.

chicken_thief January 30, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I think Saul Alinsky would approve.

YouBetcha January 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

There must be something wrong with me, because information like this only makes me love the FLOTUS more.

Nothingisamiss January 30, 2012 at 2:24 pm

How come we never had stories of lingerie buying when W was in the white house?

actor212 January 30, 2012 at 2:31 pm

He liked to keep it on the QT.

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm

One look at Laura should tell you why–she's a commando kind of gal (because underwear confused W).

actor212 January 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Might I ask to borrow some of your "brain bleach" after reading that?

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm

But, Laura's the hotness. She could kill a man by not knowing when to stop.

(thanks, here all week. . .)

Negropolis January 31, 2012 at 12:26 am

Oh, you're horrible…and I love you for it.

actor212 January 30, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I'll be in my bunk if anyone's looking for me

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm

FLOTUS Accused of Being Panty Waste[r]

NellCote71 January 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm

A whole thread about underwear, the First Lady, and salacious rumors and not one reference to Santorum. Color me bitterly disappointed.

Negropolis January 31, 2012 at 12:26 am

…'Cause we're klassy like that.

starfanglednut January 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Relax people. She and Hopey are just doing their part to combat obesity.

BZ1 January 30, 2012 at 2:50 pm

British tabloids don't have -an …ahem, good reputation

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I dunno, man, we ALL do it around here.

ChessieNefercat January 30, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Oh, gross. This story is just for the disgusting rwnj freaky creepazoids who now have a patriotic! noble! reason to picture! and think about! and write about! our dear FLOTUS wearing nothing but the skimpiest bits of lace and satin. Perverts, every last one of them.

On the bright side, this will just make them ornerier than ever when they inevitably go on to picture the President taking advantage of his husbandly privileges.

owhatever January 30, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Let me guess. Some of those reports came from papers owned by Rupert Murdoch, which means Fox News will be all over the story tonight.

Limeylizzie January 30, 2012 at 5:10 pm

OT Lovely in-depth column on Mittens, with special attention to HIS underpants.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jan/30/mitt-

insidebeltway January 30, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Bill Clinton donated his used underpants to charity and took a deduction. True.

alzronnie January 30, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Callista has a diamond-studded chastity belt from Tiffany's. Just to make sure that Newtie doesn't get any ideas.

Negropolis January 31, 2012 at 12:25 am

The whole United Kingdom can be shipped to Bagram Airfield for the unironic use of the word "posh", and no one will have lost any.

gogogodzilla January 31, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I'll be in my bunk.

edywin2 January 31, 2012 at 4:13 pm

So tell me, if Mittens wins, does the new first lady get Mormon tap pants and camisoles from Provo?

greencar January 31, 2012 at 7:18 pm

How about the comment from the professorcastillo that he is interested in Romney's underwear? Can we please get this Pervert investigated? Is he really a teacher and if so he should be so fired!

fitley January 31, 2012 at 10:15 pm

What a waste of money. You could get a diaper with a steaming hot doody in it, fresh from a famous Louisiana politician (Mr. Vitter) and he would PAY YOU $500. Shop the sales ladies.

Biff February 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

On. The. Floor.

Chet Kincaid January 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm

When you hear Piaf, you'll wake up into another thread.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Oh. OK. Carry on, then.

MittBorg January 30, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I'll be right back.

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Oh, that one. I knew that one (Halls cough drops also).

Toomush_Infer January 31, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Dammit, Lizzie, there you go again…

widestanceshakedown January 30, 2012 at 2:56 pm

A rep for more weird and kinky sex is always in demand (here at least).

Extemporanus January 30, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Or, if you're not sick, Altoids.

I keep a few of 'em on me at all times, just in case…

starfanglednut January 30, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Now I'm even more confused.

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