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So 2013 will be the year of the Upanishads then, right?

Oh thank goodness, IT WAS ABOUT TIME: Pennsylvania lawmakers unanimously approved a resolution declaring 2012 the “Year of the Bible” in their state, to publicly recognize some of the important famous people in American history who have owned Bibles and talked about Bibles — George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Woodrow Wilson, and of course possibly most famously and importantly of all, Ronald Reagan. OH and, also, to recognize “our national need to study and apply the teachings of the holy scriptures,” AHEM AHEM. No mention of which teachings, though. Maybe some of the fun ones about the rules for public stonings in Deutoronomy or something?

Let us now just block quote the entire thing, because of the way it hilariously violates the Establishment Clause in almost every single syllable:

A RESOLUTION

Declaring 2012 as the “Year of the Bible” in Pennsylvania.

WHEREAS, The Bible, the word of God, has made a unique
contribution in shaping the United States as a distinctive and
blessed nation and people; and

WHEREAS, Deeply held religious convictions springing from the
holy scriptures led to the early settlement of our country; and

WHEREAS, Biblical teachings inspired concepts of civil
government that are contained in our Declaration of Independence
and the Constitution of the United States; and

WHEREAS, Many of our great national leaders, among them
President Washington, President Jackson, President Lincoln,
President Wilson and President Reagan, paid tribute to the
influence of the Bible in our country’s development, as
exemplified by the words of President Jackson that the Bible is
“the rock on which our Republic rests”; and

WHEREAS, The history of our country clearly illustrates the
value of voluntarily applying the teachings of the scriptures in
the lives of individuals, families and societies; and

WHEREAS, This nation now faces great challenges that will
test it as it has never been tested before; and

WHEREAS, Renewing our knowledge of and faith in God through
holy scripture can strengthen us as a nation and a people;
therefore be it

RESOLVED, That the House of Representatives declare 2012 as
the “Year of the Bible” in Pennsylvania in recognition of both
the formative influence of the Bible on our Commonwealth and
nation and our national need to study and apply the teachings of
the holy scriptures

Brilliant! The “pray harder, everyone” strategy sure did work miracles for Rick Perry in Texas, after all. [Americans United Blog]

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Koran.

    • Hahahahaha, In your face Koran!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      What about the Kama Sutra?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        WHEREAS, The Kama Sutra, the word of Vātsyāyana, has made a unique contribution in shaping the United States as a distinctive and oversexed nation and people; and

        WHEREAS, Deeply held penetrations springing from the Kama Sutra led to the early population of our country; and

        WHEREAS, Kama Sutra teachings inspired concepts of sexual freedom that are contained in our Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States; and

        WHEREAS, Many of our great national leaders, among them President Washington, President Jackson, President Lincoln, President Wilson and President Reagan, paid tribute to the influence of the Kama Sutra in our country’s development, as exemplified by the words of President Jackson that the Kama Sutra is “the book which on my nightstand rests”; and

        WHEREAS, The history of our country clearly illustrates the value of voluntarily applying the teachings of the Kama Sutra in the lives of individuals, families and societies; and

        WHEREAS, This nation now faces great challenges that will test it as it has never been tested before; and

        WHEREAS, Renewing our knowledge of and faith in sex through Kama Sutra can strengthen us as a nation and a people; therefore be it

        RESOLVED, That the House of Representatives declare 2012 as the “Year of the Kama Sutra” in Pennsylvania in recognition of both the formative influence of the Kama Sutra on our Commonwealth and nation and our national need to study and apply the teachings of the Kama Sutra.

        • Do you plan to run for President any time, Biely? Because ^^ this hyar is a platform I can support.

        • deelzebub

          Judging by the manatee-shaped people I saw waddling around Pittsburgh, I think many Pennsylvanians' sexual partners are neither sufficiently flexible or light enough to lift for most of the Kama Sutra positions.

          • Aaaaaugh! AAAAUUUUGGGH!!! Not the Manatee People!

            Sounds like something from Dr. Neil Tyson's Attack on Teh Intelligent DesignIdiots.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The Manatee People practice the teachings of the Bible about as religiously as they practice the Kama Sutra. Although they claim to be observant, their interest in both documents is mostly vicarious.

        • AddHomonym

          The sermon on the mounting?

      • chicken_thief

        Americans are too fat and lazy for the Kama Sutra. And there's man on twink sexy time stuff for the elected officials to relate to.

    • It is The Year Of The Defensive Crouch, for the Koran.

  • emmelemm

    Could somebody bring me a paper bag? I'm starting to hyperventilate.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Sorry, mine is full of vomit.

    • RadioFetusEater

      One word: Xanax.

    • A couple of pints of stout at the Latona should help.

      • emmelemm

        Hooray!

  • nounverb911

    I always thought "Danny Dunn and the Anti-Gravity Paint" was the most awesomest book ever.

    • C_R_Eature

      I had "Danny Dunn and the Dinosaur." It was Awesome.

      It was printed before we all realized that the Earth was 6000 years old, so there was no Jesus.

      Bummer.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Back in the days when citizens were expected to read, my local library had all the Danny Dunn books. I read every last one of 'em. All of their Asimov, all of their Bradbury, Heinlein, Niven, Dick, Le Guin.

        That library no longer exists, and it breaks my heart.

        • C_R_Eature

          I could have written exactly this same thing. Exactly.

          Broken heart. Also.

        • Puffperney

          Me too brother! Not to mention Analog and Amazing Stories monthlies and etc. My local library was an old Carnegie library with (in retrospect) wonderful librarians of seemingly the same age as the building. Man, I miss that, but, glad to have had the experience.

        • Aw, Biely! (Hugs the li'l devil)

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            ergh … sorry about the scorch marks.

          • That's all right, sweetie (dusts off carbonized skin particles). We know the risk we take.

        • AlterNewt

          BzB – Sorry to hear that .

          Thankfully, I still have this one:
          http://www.ci.pasadena.ca.us/library/

        • No love for Poul Anderson? I'm still waiting for someone to turn the Dominic Flandry saga into a big, expensive movie. If they can waste millions on ludicrous John Carter Of Mars, why not?

          • C_R_Eature

            I like Anderson a lot and I'm glad you brought him up. There's lots of very good movie possibilities here – but be careful what you wish for. Lots of the film adaptations I've seen come out of Hollywood have been really awful – Asimov's I, Robot for one, and I saw a Nightfall movie that was such a travesty we shall never speak of it again.

            If you want a good chuckle at how weird & demented the movie development industry can be, look up what happened to the film version of Roger Zelazny's Lord of Light.

            It's hands down one of my all time five star favorite books ever and I'm happy that no one's been able to ruin it for me by making a shitty movie with a butchered screenplay, huge explosions, featuring gaudy CGI Japanese Manga suits of armor and starring Keanu Reeves.

            The pictures in my head are usually so much better.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Well-done science fiction on the big screen is exceedingly rare. Probably because the bad stuff makes for the most marketable screenplays.
            Leaving aside the CGI space operas, there list of intelligent movies is pathetic:

            Blade Runner (never gets old)
            2001: A Space Odyssey (space fetus FTW)
            Metropolis (classic, mostly for being classic)
            Planet of the Apes (for lack of competition)
            Children of Men (close enough to sci fi)
            Jurassic Park (admit it: you had fun!)

            Annnnnd … that's about it. With Arthur C. Clarke the sole representative of the great science fiction writers. H.G. Wells got some competent treatment, but nothing you'd call a masterpiece, so we're stuck with this pathetically short list.

          • SorosBot

            Now it might have been based on a TV show, but I'd put Star Treks II and VI on the list. Sadly none of the Next Gen movies make the cut; while the TV was much better and more intelligent than the original series (at least after the first two seasons), the movies suffered the reverse trajectory. And Deep Space Nine was the most intelligent Trek of them all, but it never got any movies.

            The first two Alien movies also deserve a spot.

            There are also a number of sci-fi movies that don't get recognized as sci-fi, because the science fiction elements are subtle and they take place in the real world except for one element, and some of those are really good. For one great example, see The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And I normally hate Jim Carrey.

          • C_R_Eature

            Well, there is Forbidden Planet, even though is was an adaptation of Shakespeare's The Tempest, it had some pretty advanced concepts for it's time – and a message for today.

            "Monsters, Monsters from the Id." That should be instantly recognizable to anyone who's seen the Republican Primary debates.

          • Glad you guys mentioned Forbidden Planet and the 2 Aliens, I would have. Also the first two versions of "The Thing." There have been a few other smaller films in the last few years that I'm forgetting — "Splice" with Adrian Brody, I believe, among them. I just saw "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," which even sf-hating Mrs. Kincaid enjoyed, starring Hollywood's Go-To Primate, Andy Serkis.

            Let's face it though, before Star Wars, as "pre-school" as it was compared to the best sf in print, sf got no money or respect from Hollywood.

          • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            Also, a plug for the 1980 TV adaptation of The Lathe of Heaven, which proved you didn't need a big budget to make a terrific reality-bending SF movie. I know there was a more recent one on cable; haven't seen it.

            (Look, we're not going to get into an argument over whether Lathe is SF or fantasy, are we? Oh, god, of course we are, because we're NERDS, and That Is What We Do).

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            What argument? It's got aliens from outer space, fer X's sake!

            Someone should do a first-class movie of The Left Hand of Darkness — that would explode some conservatard heads.

          • I would love to see John Varley's "Gaea" Trilogy on the big screen — great concept, intelligently written, and plenty of chances to see topless lady centaurs and action heroines making out.

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaea_trilogy

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Cannot read. My daughter had a collection of "My Little Ponies". Sorry.

          • Very good books, if you change your mind!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Maybe in time I'll be able to give it proper consideration … but right now, the whole multicolored pony porn thing just makes me giggle.

          • Yes!

          • nonbeliever7

            The Man from Earth?
            Also, I forgot, was Rocky Horror by Bradbury or Asimov?

    • I am jumping on this bandwagon.

    • bagofmice

      Is that anything like Chell and the Repulsion Gel?

    • Buckminster

      No one mentioned "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?" Gentlemen, I am ashamed.

      • C_R_Eature

        Sorry – I thought it was a "Given" that we all love The Increasingly Inaccurately Named Trilogy here.

        We're all Hitchhikers on this bus.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wasn't in my library. Probably because Adams wasn't born yet.

        • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

          Hey, is this where I get to blather on again about the sheer awesomeness of Jo Walton's Among Others, which is about a 15 year old Welsh girl making sense of the world by reading SF in 1979? Minor plot point: the protagonist is convinced that nobody at her boarding school groks her, and so she completely dismisses the book that her roommate gets her for Christmas, a recently-published paperback called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by some BBC Radio guy she's never even heard of.

          Seriously. Among Others. Read it. You will like it.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            "Hey, is this where I get to blather on …"

            Looks that way.

  • SorosBot

    Fuck my state legislature.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      You live in PA? You must not live in the PennsylTucky part. (Or, if you do, you're afraid to leave your house.)

      • SorosBot

        Nope; I'm in Philly. And yes the rest of the state scares me.

        • Callyson

          Hey–my hometown Pittsburgh is doing what it can on the other side of the state.
          But yeah, maybe both of the cities should secede…

          • SorosBot

            Yeah, Pittsburgh is OK too; I should have mentioned that. But everything else – shudder. I can't believe the number of Confederate flags I saw going to the Poconos; and an ex-girlfriend was from York and some of the stories she had about that place (and how she felt she had to get the hell out of there and away from the rednecks) were just jaw-dropping.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      and the whores they rode in on.

    • Harry_S_Truman

      All of them? That may take a while.

      • Fare la Volpe

        Not really. They all look like giant assholes to me.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Been done already — they bend over for all of their lobbyist owners.

    • MzNicky

      I feel your pain.

    • Endless friction on the gas tax, but this? Not so much.

    • No, thanks, I don't do troglodytes.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      HAH! GAME ON MUTHAFUAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

      As envisioned, the Arizona State Guard would have its own command structure apart from the Arizona National Guard.
      It would be under the direct control of the governor, who could deploy it to respond to disasters and interdict those who engage in “cross-border criminal activity.”
      The militia would also have arrest, detention and property seizure powers.

      http://www.blogforarizona.com/blog/2012/01/senate

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wait a minute … isn't "a well-regulated militia" the part the gun nuts DON'T pay attention to? This is confuzzling.

        Upfisted SorosBot above, just because he was at 99.

        • Negropolis

          Oh, they very much pay attention to that part, just seperate from the other part of the amendment. They get two amendments for the price of one out of that. The mileage on that amendment is amazing for conservanuts.

          Not only do they read into that that every individual has a right to own a firearm and keep it in their personal possession and believe that they should be able to carry it everywhere short of heaven, but they also get the idea that we still need standing militia. Gawd.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I bet $10,000 they end up standing in the general vicinity of the Mexican border/wall/fence/minefield.

    • yrbmegr

      I live in Texas, so I fail to see your point.

  • beavertank

    But violating the establishment clause is totally ok now, after all, it was asking for it! Did you SEE how it was dressed?

    • The establishment clause should make the best of a bad situation ~Rick Santorum

    • Loaded_Pants

      I know! Did you see how that hussy showed a bit of ankle! And would go about town without a bonnet! Outrageous!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      put a burqa on that bitch stat.

    • Negropolis

      Did you hear her? She was all like cooing "you can't subjugate me; you're a state." And I was all like "the hell I won't."

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That showed her, huh?

        • Negropolis

          Sure as hell did…until she federalized my national guardsmen and knocked down my door, the bitch.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      The Establishment Clause did as it was told by the legislators-"-just lie there and enjoy it." It did not enjoy it, of course.

      • Truth be told, the enjoyment isn't really required to form teh babby or for gril to get pragnut.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Antidisestablishmentarianism libel!

  • memzilla

    Uh oh…. this is sure to wake up Cthulhu from his dreams in R'lyeh. And you know how cranky He can get when he doesn't get his ugly sleep.

  • nounverb911

    Which version?

    • There are bumperstickers down here that read, "If It Ain't King James, It Ain't BIble."

      • Loaded_Pants

        King James or GTFO!

        • WTFWJD?

          • heathenette

            Weep?

          • Kick their asses, I reckon.

          • Nostrildamus

            WhaT would FatWa Jesus Do?

      • DustBowlBlues

        I have a pastor friend who calls it the Saint James Version, to make fun of this bunch of hillbiliies. Why are the wingers so insistent that Jesus and Moses both spoke like Shakespeare–not that would evert read him.

        • Loaded_Pants

          After I found out more about ol'James, I started calling it the Queen James Version. Still do.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        well of course the ignorant serfs would prefer the kingly version, it's the one that depicts the 'Lord' as the ruler over his subjects which is exactly what King Jim was shooting for, full suppression and continued ignorance of the masses…MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

    • Negropolis

      Oh, boy. You done did open up a can a worms, you did. You may even be forcing us on a Diet of Worms…if you will.

      • Chichikovovich

        Here I snark, I can do no other, so help me God.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          When one of Luther's sons, Hans, took a shit in the corner of a room in the house, Luther commented, "Look, Hans has made a pyramid for the pope!" Could have applied to Pennsylvania, too.

          • That's where Luther got the idea for his 95 Feces.

          • UnholyMoses

            Funny and true: When I was a kid, I thought it was feces.

            That led to a pair of "WTF?" thoughts:

            1. How mad would someone have to be to nail poop to a door?

            2. How, exactly, does one nail poop to a door? I mean … ya know … wouldn't that be kinda tricky to do, unless you sprayed it with shellac or somethin' (not to mention, EWWWWW!)?

            When I found out in high school that it was thesis, it made a lot more sense.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Personally, I'm waiting for the Zombie Alien Overlord Version of the Bible. That's going to be the one true and accurate translation. Fuck the NIV.

    • RadioFetusEater

      The Conservative Bible, or a Kidz Bible.

    • arihaya

      what? 10 replies and no one state the obvious answer?

      ALL of them, Katie !!!

      • flamingpdog

        or, to bend the meme a bit, ALL of them, Timmie!!!

    • SolitaireRose

      The one drawn by Robert Crumb. At least one can hope.

    • C_R_Eature

      THEY: Reader's Digest Condensed Version

      ME: Asimov's Guide to the Bible, Old & New Testament

      ALTERNATE: Bartender's Bible of Boat Drinks

    • yrbmegr

      Don't tell them it was written in Greek. They will malfunction.

  • deelzebub

    Philly needs to secede and keep the East half and the Pennsylvania name. The western half of the state can then become state #51, West Pennsyltucky.

    • SorosBot

      Hell we'd even be willing to join with stinky Jersey if they just get rid of that one evil fat fuck.

    • C_R_Eature

      If Philly secedes, they had better do it quick. There's a subsection in the Bible bill that changes the city's motto from "the City of Brotherly Love" to "The City of Totally Platonic Brotherly Like and Not What You're thinking You Prevert"

      • littlebigdaddy

        I always think of it as the "glory hole city."

        • C_R_Eature

          I think there's a "Cornhole Capitol of America" in Ohio, but it's not what you might expect.

          • chicken_thief

            But the livestock do keep a wary eye over their shoulder.

          • It's Ohio. ALL livestock keep a wary eye over their shoulder.

    • Sorry, the 51st state is going to be Moon Colony Callista named for the ex-wife of its founder. West Pennsyltucky will be #52.

      • deelzebub

        One, Newt's ego is way to big to name the moon base after anyone but himself, and two, there is no way he'd keep Callista around long enough for her to even be a name option. Newt is all about trading in when they start getting scratches and dents; Callista would have way too many miles on her by then.

        • She's history, as soon as the transmission locks up.

          • We call it "the tranny" in these parts, but that has been the cause of much well-earned confusion.

        • flamingpdog

          Her warranty expires after 50,000 days or 50,000 blow jobs, whichever comes first.

      • And Puerto Rico? Huh? WTH will Puerto Rico be then?

        • deelzebub

          a colonial protectorate?

          • Didn't one of yon Repuglycan't contenders recently promise them some blatheramskate or the other? Statehood, self-determination, nuclear weapons … SOMEthing.

    • Callyson

      I insist that my hometown Pittsburgh get the hell out as well. We can be our own damn state if we have to. Alleghenia for the win!

      • salt_bagel

        No, you are East Ohio and you will like it.

    • Negropolis

      Only if Pittsburgh is allowed to be annexed by Ohio.

      • LibrulEleet

        Over my dead body. As an Ohio native, I'd rather see Ohio annexed by Canada.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Come on, be reasonable. Ohio could use a good NFL team.

        • Fare la Volpe

          That can be arranged.

      • BearNoLike

        AFP: West Virginia Excercises Eminent Domain of Pittsburgh in Secret Pact with Penn Legislature; Sheep Flee Area

        CNN: Some stuff happens at the place in the same state as that coach that diddles kids

        FOX: God Reunites Steel and Coal for His Son Jesus

        Good news day, people.

        • Negropolis

          Oh, the AFP spoof is brilliant…lol

      • Pitthio? Pennhio? Hey-O!

    • Pittsburgh58

      Easy-there is some intelligent life in Pittsburgh, admittedly not much, but some.

    • sewollef

      Hmm…. West Pennsyltucky presupposes there's an EAST Pennsyltucky. Can't we just call it, Yetanotherflyoverstate ?

      I can see that working.

    • Larry McAwful

      There was a plan years ago to split western Pennsylvania off, along with what's now West Virginia, and create the mysteriously-named state of Vandalia, but it never took off. I support this move, as a native of Pennsylvania just six miles east of the Ohio border. But if this is to be done, the capital needs to be Pittsburgh, and the three counties of what's now northwestern Pennsylvania need to be assigned to Ohio. It's only decent.

      Central Pennsylvania we can give back to the French.

  • comrad_darkness

    It's officially the year of drunken fathers getting their daughters pregnant. Take note, fertile girls of Pennsylvania.

    • Larry McAwful

      In Perry County, PA, that's every year.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Jefferson wept.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I can't wait for the PA legislature to find out that Mr. J made his own cut & paste Bible. We might hear the sounds of many heads assploding.

      • chicken_thief

        Prolly not. "Divine intervention" covers a lot of ground and esplains away just about anything.

  • SorosBot

    Oh and considering that Pennsylvania's two most famous founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Paine, were both non-Christian deists who did not believe in the Bible they'd be disappointed. Hell Paine wrote an entire book dedicate to ripping apart the Bible.

    • SilverTsunami

      Hell Paine" would be a great name for the heroine of an urban fantasy novel, don't you think?

      • Loaded_Pants

        Then Hollywood would ruin the movie of said novel by changing the name of the lead to "Heck Paine" to get that G-rating.

      • Callyson

        Or a dominatrix.
        Who, come to think of it, the PA legislators could stand to visit after wasting time on this resolution…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You can be sure that some of them will be in Hell payin'.

  • comrad_darkness

    Shorter version: uppity women in PA should STFU. God says so.

    • RadioFetusEater

      Given the bible's condoning of slavery, there should be other uppity people who might want to STFU.

      • Given the bible's condoning of slavery, there should be other uppity people who might want to had better STFU.

        FIFY, NNTT.

      • MosesInvests

        Ironic, considering that Pennsylvania was the only one of the original 13 colonies in which slavery was illegal.

        • Negropolis

          It all went downhill when the Quakers were pushed out of power.

    • Buckminster

      Nobody who wants to stay intact crosses the uppity women.

  • About time. What in the heck were they waiting for?

  • Barb

    Palin was twattering about how upset she is that Alaskan Airlines is no longer including prayer cards with their meals.
    ""It feels so odd that some may be offended by a little card with an encouraging non-denominational verse from the Psalms,…."

    Keep the prayer card. I'd much rather have an extra twist with my martini, thank you!

    • snackypants

      Three upfists in agreement!

    • comrad_darkness

      I'm sure she'd be thrilled to receive a little card with a Wiccan blessing then?

      • beavertank

        As long as it's non-denominational! Got to keep all the disparate covens happy.

    • SorosBot

      "non-denominational verse from the Psalms"

      Uh, that's kind of an oxymoron, you moron.

      (I'm addressing Palin, not you Barb; you're very smart.)

      • Barb

        Yeah, I got a kick out of that, Soros.

        I want to know why Palin still has a PAC?

        • flamingpdog

          Because she's a PACkerwood?

        • Mondo_Cane

          "…why Palin still has a PAC?"

          questions like this have one simple answer – 'money' –

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            PAC = Palin's Access to Cash.

        • SorosBot

          Grifter's gotta grift.

        • tealsheart

          To get her "Palms" full silly.

        • Puffperney

          Because that's where the money is.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        It is well known that the Book of Psalms has no relation to any organized religion what so ever. Why do you think it is its own book and not in the Bible?

    • A business listening to its customers. Why that's positively un-American.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I'm guessing that Palin's probably one of those Xtian non-tippers who leave those annoying scraps of paper that look like cash on one side but has some Bible verse printed on the other side.
      People who call themselves Christians are the worst tippers. Ask anyone who's served time as a server/waiter/waitress.

      • heathenette

        Double upfist for you!

      • SorosBot

        And, from the waitstaff I know, Sunday right after church lets out is the absolute worst time for tipping.

        • Fare la Volpe

          Ole Gertrude and Mildred just gave half their disability checks to the collection plate. That greedy waitress had better take it up with Yahweh.

      • Puffperney

        More specifically, Xtians that wear it on their sleeves are the worst tippers, ever. Amen.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      They should replace the bible cards with cards like this:
      http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9y8qcOFAr1qbbe

      • RadioFetusEater

        Or just a few Xanax.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Is that airline food these days?

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Only on Asian flights

          (sorry)

          • Fare la Volpe

            I knew there was something fishy about those Korean Air ads…

          • Dashboard Buddha

            Hah…you wish it was fish.

    • Veritas78

      Maybe they didn't want to be the kind of airline whose passengers feel the need to pray.

    • Larry McAwful

      I don't put twists in my martinis. I go with these garlic-stuffed olives. They make me seem scarily foreign, and a threat to our cherished way of life.

  • WHEREAS idiotic.

    • Buckminster

      WHEREAS, they all need a boot to the head.

      • Biff

        Tae kwan leep.

  • This is a violation of the establishment clause of …some sort? of proportion.

  • It was my impression that the Holy Bible© was squarely on the side of either monarchy or theocracy. Except for the early Church era, of course, with its living communally and sharing of possessions and the means of production.

    Of course, there's the "Slaves, be obedient unto your masters" meme, too. That might be the real point here.

  • SilverTsunami

    WHEREAS, dragons are cool, and
    WHEREAS, Chinese astriology is fun, and
    WHEREAS, Chinese astrology declares it is the year of the dragon;
    NOW, THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that 2012 is the year of the dragon, and you can go get that tattoo you've always wanted.

    • bagofmice

      But skyrim came out last year!

  • Can I paint a dragon on a bible, thus 'Year of the Dragon Bible'?

    • You could probably sell a ton of them in the godless land of San Francisco.

    • beavertank

      Yes, you can! And you can light it on fire and hit someone with it for a "Flaming Dragon Bible Punch".

    • Tundra Grifter

      sfr:

      Year of the Dragon? I just got used to writing Year of the Rat on my checks.

      • I'm a rat! That was 2008.

      • SorosBot

        I'm apparently a dragon, and it's now my year; I feel excited.

        • MissTaken

          You should, I'm a rabbit which is soooooo last year. No excitement for me.

          • SorosBot

            Well don;t worry l'il bunny, I'll make sure to – wait, you were just fishing for a complement there? Weren't you?

          • MissTaken

            Me?? Fish for a compliment?! I'm so insulted!!

            Dragons are dangerous to a little bunny.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Oh you tease.

          • He's asking you if you're a pisces.

          • SorosBot

            Dangerous, you say? What, is the bunny afraid the dragon's gonna eat her … out?

          • Oh, I dunno, hun, looks like you're having a pretty exciting time dancing around each other.

            (walks away, whistling)

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          I'm a cock.

          I have nothing else to add.

    • flamingpdog

      I thought this was the year of the newt.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Son – it's never the day, week, month or year of the Newt. Ever.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      I thought it was the Year of the Scavenger, the Season of the Bitch?

    • And Draco said let there be light, and thus poured forth a mighty stream of flame from his nostrils, and there was light. And he divided the firmament with the divine flapping of his wings, and there was heaven and earth, and day and night, and…eh, I got nothin…

    • Give me your dirty love
      Like you might surrender to some dragon in your dreams

      Give me your dirty love
      Like a pink donation to the dragon in your jeans

      I don't need your sweet devotion
      I don't want your cheap emotion
      Whip me up some dragon lotion
      With your dirty love

      The poodle bites
      The poodle chews it

      • new_pic_for_NEWTer

        …not a speck of cereal…

        • AHAHAHA! I sure do love me some Frank, that sick twisted motherfucker.

          We haven't seen his like since in the musical world. Fucking genius.

        • yyyaz

          Snap it!

      • doloras

        Two paws stickin' up.

        • Another Zappa fan!

          Four on the floor!

    • SilverTsunami

      Totally works for me!

  • Beowoof

    Meth Bible Camp, that could have made the pain in the ass religious camp my mother made me go to tolerable.

    • salt_bagel

      If ass religious camp is causing pain, you just need to relax a little more.

  • hollywooddood

    The movie really sucked.

    • RadioFetusEater

      But, unusually, it was better than the book.

    • Movie sucks because everyone dies in the end.

  • "WHEREAS, Deeply held religious convictions springing from the holy scriptures led to the early settlement of our country"

    I always wondered why the Native Americans went to the trouble to walk across the Arctic to get here 25,000 years ago. But I never thought it because of something they read in the (to be written) Bible. Unless maybe Exodus.

    • Remember Mormon Jesus came to America before the White Man did…

      • Loaded_Pants

        Jesus told the natives: "Don't get too comfortable….others are coming."

      • You think the bastid would've had the courtesy to inform those dark-skinned savages that they were about to be wiped out by the hungry white hordes.

        • Loaded_Pants

          "Look guys, I'm the first white man you won't mind meeting."

    • V572 the Merciless

      That's why we had to kill 'em. They didn't love the baby Jebus. Whaddya gonna do?

      • Ardustotle

        One man's "settlement" is another mans "murdering indigenous people".
        TomaTO/ToMAto.
        On the other hand I agree there is plenty on inspriation in the "holy scriptures" for that.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Christian dogma so rigid they left England because they didn't get to make all the rules, there.

      Fuck! Keith O must be in a pissing match, still, with Current because he has guest host. That's fine with me, as long as the guest is David "You're Welcome" Schuster, and tonight it's Bill Press again. Yawn.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Waay back in the day, Quakers were hung in Massachusetts, Baptist ministers had to get a license to preach, Jews had a very hard time in the Colonies, the daughter of the founder of Rhode Island was driven from the Colony for religious reasons.

    Now that was the Old Tyme Religion. None of that 1950's "Judeo-Christian" PC garbage.

    • I never heard about Roger Williams' daughter. You're sure you're not thinking of the Cheney daughter?

      • Tundra Grifter

        SB:

        You are correct. I think I had her confused with Anne Hutchinson, who was forced to leave Massashusetts for Rhode Island for religious reasons.

        Thanx for pointing our the error in my ways.

        • No sweat, Brother Grifter. Roger was a weird guy, but he was a trailblazer about tolerance. When he was in his 70s, he rowed a canoe from Providence to Newport because some Quakers were supposed to be visiting from England, and he wanted to debate them. He took issue with the idea that they could know the will of God, but he was cool with them coming to Little Rhody. He didn't want to hang them publicly, even though it could have been a good deterrent to heterodoxy.

          • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            Couple months ago, the bedtime reading with Kid Zoom was Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates. It's no Assassination Vacation, but it's pretty damn good, and gives a pretty good overview of the grim realities behind that "city on a hill" stuff, including pointing out that Reagan added the "shining" part, that sap.

          • Tundra Grifter

            I thoroughly enjoyed "The Partly Cloudy Patriot."

    • OneDollarJuana

      Let's not forget the Salem Witch Trials, where religion resulted in the hanging of innocent children.

      • Fare la Volpe

        But those children were found to be unscrupulous demon prostitutes – the minister said so!

        • Tundra Grifter

          Fare la Volpe:

          Did he have the handsewn lambskin condumns in the pocket to prove it?

  • State, meet church.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "State, do you take Church to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
      "Hell no, that bitch looks crazy!"

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        *Sound of shotgun shell being chambered*

  • In the year Bible5/Bible5

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    From the state that gave us Santorum.

    • Loaded_Pants

      And the santorum keeps flowing.

      • Crank_Tango

        messy!

        eyepatch underwear, also!

  • nounverb911

    Is "Meth Bible Camp" where Bristol Palin learned to cook?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      And got knocked up? (Don't scoff–I know plenty of girls who got pregnant at bible camp. Since dancing was illegal, what else was there to do?)

      • In some "upstanding" towns, to have sex while standing-up is made illegal because it could, GASP, lead to dancing.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Did they "make the best of a bad situation"?

        • Biff

          Lemonade situation.

    • In the Palin family, shake n' bake means something other than dinner.

    • It's the only thing she *can* cook.

    • freddymcmurray

      No, she learned to cook in a tent.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      No..meth bible camp is where she learned the basics. It wasn't until the winecooler weekends that she really learned to cook.

      • Fare la Volpe

        She's really good at cooking up buns in the oven.

  • SorosBot

    And oh, "Biblical teachings inspired concepts of civil government that are contained in our Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States" is not true; in fact it is practically the exact opposite of the truth, which is that the Declaration and Constitution were inspired by Enlightenment philosophy that was developed after some people started rejecting the Bible in favor of reason, evidence and thinking for themselves.

    Most of the founding fathers were deists, a non-religious philosophy that died off after Darwin showed that we didn't need even that mild a form of god to explain how we got here and instead got rolled into atheism.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      "…some people started rejecting the Bible in favor of reason, evidence and thinking for themselves."
      That's EXACTLY their problem.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        See? Inspired by the Bible, i.e., by rejecting it. Which God planned, by writing said stupid book.

    • Chichikovovich

      Yeah, but not in the Bizarro world of Outer Wingnuttia. They have scores of amateur historians beavering away writing books that all say basically the same crap in slightly different words using the tried and true method of burrowing through millions of documents looking for every offhand remark that can be quoted out of context to support their pre-established thesis, while ignoring the mountains of evidence that contradicts it.

      For example [dramatic recreation with professional actors: not really Thomas Jefferson] they find a letter from Jefferson that reads: "I finally managed to evade those tiresome preachers from town who were prating on about the need for religion in the government we are founding. But now it's late and I have several more paragraphs to draft, before sexytime with Sally. I give thanks to Almighty God that the festering boil on my buttock has healed so I can sit at my desk; Now for a glass of the fine cognac from my cellar, always calming to my mind and conveying the inspiration I've needed to map out the dimensions of our government."

      Becomes: "I give thanks to Almighty God… always calming to my mind and conveying the inspiration I've needed to map out the dimensions of our government."

      Repeat that a few dozen times, and you've got another book! Read nothing but books like that, to the exclusion of anything else, and welcome to Wingnutopia.

    • Xan

      Oh there you go using "facts" and "history"

  • I think Pennsylvania should make 2012 the Year of Nebraska!

    • heathenette

      Home of the FSM…that might just work out ok.

    • Biff

      Why, is there something wrong with Kansas?

    • chicken_thief

      Meh. Nebraska is too boring. They simply can't compete with TN, TX, and AZ for wingnuttery. They've been pretty quiet since Brandon Teena.

  • Arizona legislators are going to be SO jealous when they read about this. "Oh no you di-int! You are going to pay for upstagin us, bitch!!"

    • Blueb4sunrise

      HAH! GOTCHA! They can't read.

      • But, but … they can rite mesages to the prezident an diliver them at the areport.

        • Blueb4sunrise

          That's why they made Brewer Sec. of State originally. Hey, she kin rite teh purty kinna letrs.

  • Has PA gone full 'bagger now?

  • Antispandex

    WHEREAS, Almost no one follows that stuff about, "Inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these my brothers, you have done so to me"…

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Also, that "Do not deprive the foreigner or the fatherless of justice" crap doesn't mean that we REALLY have to let the Constitution apply to smelly furriners.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I found this and thought I'd share this example of…um, interesting logic…
    Bible Inspired America's Founding Documents by Chuck Baldwin.

    • Oh man, thanks for sharing. Look what I learned:

      Likewise, the Second Amendment has Biblical foundation. Our Lord said in Luke 11:21, "When a strong man armed keepeth his palace, his goods are in peace." In Luke 22:35, 36 He said, "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one."

      • BarackMyWorld

        Used completely in scriptural and historical context, no doubt.

        My favorite:
        Even America's constitutional form of government consisting of three co-equal branches, legislative, executive and judicial is taken directly from Isaiah 33:22.

        Because apparently Madison got the idea for 3 branches from God being declared judge, lawgiver, and king, rather than from Montesquieu (i.e. the person he actually cited in his writings).

        • flamingpdog

          Thanks, both of you, for reading it for me. My brain still hasn't recovered from last night's Republiklan stupidfest.

        • BarackMyWorld

          I'm still confused though, because the concepts of judges, kings, and lawgivers predates even the Bible, and having God filling three governmental roles doesn't really counts as the "separation" of powers the Constitution establishes.

          • It's the mystery of the Trinity. Three in one.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Yeah, well, Madison learned something from the intervening millenia.
            Unlike the dickwad fundies.

        • Well, GOD was working through that Frenchy furriner, you … you ATHEIST, you!

      • Chichikovovich

        The learned Mr. Baldwin forgot to mention the very next verse:

        Luke 11:21: "But when a stronger than he shall come upon him, and overcome him, he takes from him all his armor in which he trusted, and divides his spoils"

        Somehow I'm not seeing the "packing heat is the key to security" message here.

        • "If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. Then bust a cap in their motherfucking asses."

          • Ah, yes. Republican Jesus, Book of Gunz, 15:3.

          • MosesInvests

            I think that's Book of Armaments: "And Atilla knelt before the host, saying, 'O Lord, we thank Thee for this Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch….'"

      • chicken_thief

        So Luke was into naked warriors?! He'd have loved "Troy".

        • This is SPAAAAAAARTAAAAAA!!!!!

        • Biff

          Or "Airplane".

  • Harry_S_Truman

    WHEREAS, This just goes to prove James Carville's totally excellent statement:

    Therefore, be it RESOLVED that: Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh on one end, Philadelphia on the other, and Alabama in the middle.

  • Tilley

    This magnificent piece of legislation is truly Tennessee-worthy. (See: "Don't Say Gay"; "Ten Commandments in Courthouses"; "It's OK To Be A Middle-School Bully of Gays If You Love Jesus"; "Mandatory Aborted Fetuses Death Certificates"; et cetera, ad total nauseum.)

    • MzNicky

      Oh, PS: See previous Wonkette post re "Tennessee Bigot: AIDS Caused By One Monkey-Loving Airline Pilot." Yep, that's my "representative"! Welcome to my world nightmare.

      • Loaded_Pants

        So you're in either in Knoxville or the county of Knox. I feel your pain, knowing the area. When I first read up on the "Don't Say 'Gay' Bill", it didn't surprise me one bit that Campfield represented that area.
        I'll betcha he only listens to WNOX 100.3 FM & watches Fox News.

      • ZOMG. (Hugs you, pats your back)

        You poor, poor thing. (puts on most sympathetic face)

  • C_R_Eature

    That Rapture had better come quick because I'm getting Almighty tired of these people.

    • MzNicky

      Don't worry. The Mayan calendar expiration date is just around the corner. Awfully awful, how taken with that way-pagan prediction the X-tian godbaggery seems to be.

      • C_R_Eature

        Great! Looking forward to another End-of-the-World Drunken Liveblog.

        We'll probably end up doing those once, maybe twice a year.

        • Geminisunmars

          Well then the odds of the world ending during one of the liveblogs substantially increases. Well, not that substantially, I guess.

          • C_R_Eature

            Oh, it increases – infinitesimally – , all right, but just because we're measuring the prospective "event" more frequently. You know, the old Quantum Theory principle where the Observer affects the measurement just by the act of measurement?

            The chances of the 19th Century psychotic Nun's Revelation (hallucination, most likely) of a fantasy Invisible Super Sky Despot reeling into Eternal Joy only the "Proper" people while the rest of the Earth slides into the Behavioral Sink and catches fire is Exactly 0. Multiply anything by that and it's still 0.
            However, in the vanishingly small chance that the End of the World does come to pass during one of our Liveblogs, at least I'll be drunk and with the Non-Proper People.
            Fine by me. I wouldn't want to spend one minute with all those assholes let alone an Eternity. Can you imagine?

          • bagofmice

            So we're approaching the wingularity.

          • C_R_Eature

            Yes, and you'd better be prepared.

            Assuming a Supermassive Wingularity (as we should, given the observational evidence), as we approach the event horizon we'll experience gravitational time dilation, so that we'll never actually reach the Wingpoint.

            The problem is…we'll be stuck, forever, in the Moron-o-sphere.

          • HistoriCat

            Are we sure this hasn't already happened?

          • C_R_Eature

            Oh, no…it has!

            That's why there's all these Primary Debates!

            It will never end!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!

          • Geminisunmars

            Truly. If that be Heaven, then I'll take Hell.

          • Come sit by me, I'll save a seat.

            Wut? It'll be warm, and we get to hang out with Biel_ze_Bubba, if we're lucky.

          • Geminisunmars

            If I get to sit by you, 'twould be Heaven indeed.

          • You are SO sweet to me! (Hug)

          • We're all going to hell, CRE.

            Which is great, because it's gonna be full of crazy-ass motherfuckers, gay boys, lesbian nuns, sodomite tarts and wild wacky wingdingers. We're gonna have a GOOD time!

          • C_R_Eature

            I've known that for years. I think I'll fit right in.

            Maybe open up a little Rum Punch and Sarcasm stand.

        • Oh, my lights and liver, oh, goroo!

    • So is the Almighty, dear.

      • C_R_Eature

        Well, it better just get It's Noodly Appendages down here and clean up this awful mess.
        Do I have to do everything around here?

  • DustBowlBlues

    The SOTU must have been fantastic, given David Brooks' current twisting and contortions to find something bad about it, even going to the Republitard default on this one, "there weren't enough big ideas."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If I were addressing the TeaTards in the House, I wouldn't bother with Big Ideas either.

    • It wuz. Everybody was all in love with Hopey for *hours,* afterwards.

  • Guppy

    "(N)o human authority can, in any case whatever, control or interfere with the rights of conscience, and no preference shall ever be given by law to any religious establishments or modes of worship."

  • CommieLibunatic

    Good to see that the government is doing its job.*
    (*read "doing its job" as "whistling through its nose while touching itself inappropriately.")

    • Angry_Marmot

      Damn, I thought I'd turned that camera off.

  • Barrelhse

    The one thing that the right refuses to acknowledge is that just 'saying it' doesn't make it true. These fucking christian fanatics are, quite seriously, becoming more dangerous and brazen as the GOP panders to ignorance.

    • HelmutNewton

      Yeah. The good news is that the influence of these nutty Bible-thumpers is waning precipitously as they die off. The bad news is that they are getting even crazier as their numbers dwindle.

      • They're mostly old, dying, cantankerous white people, though. And I have lived long enough to see a rainbow come into existence, which makes me very happy. Half the kids in my neighbourhood are part European, part African, part Asian, and only deity knows from which parts of the world.

        When I moved to this neighbourhood 30 years ago, our neighbours never even spoke to us becase we were the *only* nonwhite family. Now, most of the really disgusting ones are GONE, BABY, GONE into the cold, cold earth or their closest nursing home, while the rest have decided it ain't so bad having cullud folk living here.

        And I sincerely hope that all those snarling Jeebus-thumpers get to suffer agonies knowing that as they fade off into the cold lonely night they have earned for themselves.

  • chascates

    Read any of the works of Alan Watts, especially The Wisdom of Insecurity, Myth and Ritual in Christianity, and The Book – On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are instead. His bullshit is much more tolerable and less dangerous than the cobbled together old tales of the bible.

    OT but doesn't the teatard complaint that Obama's father isn't a natural born America one of their reasons for his 'ineligibility'? And Mittens dad was born in Mexico?

    • DustBowlBlues

      You don't get it do you. Gawd said in Book of Soetruth, Chapter 53: 16a.–17. And the miracle of the angel dove was thus: to judge a Democrat sinful is the occupation of the wise man, whilst the Republicans, as my chosen, are, verily, to be forgiven before the evil commenceth as I did my wrandie son, David.

      • chascates

        Wow, now I'm stumped!

    • Guppy

      Their big problem is that their Bible says Barry bears the Curse of Ham.

      (That means he's black.)

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Doesn't he only have half a curse? Or is it quantized?

        • Guppy

          It's a one-drop curse.

          • chicken_thief

            We might all be in trouble then. Verily. Also. Too.

          • Guppy

            There's no room for your "evolution" and "deep time" on God's 6000 year-old Earth!

          • deelzebub

            According to geneticists, we are all the children of Mitochondrial Eve, and that baby daughter factory was African.

          • HAHAHA. It always gives me great pleasure to say that to racists (with a friendly smile). You can *see* them squirm at the thought.

          • The Nig in Me says 12.5% for most of y'all white folks.

          • bagofmice

            Does that mean blood brothers change their race?

          • Guppy

            According to Hollywood it does.

      • Biff

        I think the passage they're looking for is not in the bible:

        "And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, and they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them." (2 Nephi 5:21)

      • linky no worky.

        Curse of Ham, eh? I wonder if Baconzgood suffers from the Curse of Bacon?

        • Geminisunmars

          I suffer the Curse of Prosciutto (con melon).

          • Yum. Love that stuff.

            I made a terrific celebration dish of yams and potatoes, with prosciutto and dried cherries that I soaked in brandy first (and threw the liquid in), and caramelized onions. The amazing contrast of tastes and textures! Little salty bites of prosciutto in between sweet tart studded jewels of cherry, mmm. And the yams gave it all a chestnutty flavour that I loved.

            I must be hungry.

          • Geminisunmars

            Your are killing me…

          • Sorry, honey-darling, are you hungry, too?

            Imagine that served with a roast duck and bitter greens lightly sauteed with garlic and pine nuts. We ate till we almost died.

    • Have you ever seen video of Alan Watts? I think he was the inspiration for Obi Wan Kenobi. It's plausible, as Lucas was pals with Joseph Campbell, and Campbell and Watts used to cross paths at Esalen.

      But anyway, I don't think he intended his books to be some kind of "Bible," they are Eastern Religion "popped up," simplified and distilled for westerners.

    • Puffperney

      So, Mitt is an "anchor baby"?

    • Not only that, Mittens' GRANDDAD left the US as a protest against the government crackdown on polygamy, and RENOUNCED his American citizenship. So if Mittens' Daddy was born in Mexico, that means ol' George was a MEXICAN citizen, not an American citizen. There is no evidence (so far) that George RMONEY ever applied for US citizenship. Which makes him an illegal alien, and Mittens an ANCHOR BABY!!

      • montreal_bruin

        How is it that George could run for pres back in the day?? Sounds like he was a naturalized US citizen at best.

        • Isn't it surprising that no one has offered to produce George's application for citizenship? When Barack Obama said, "My father was born in Kenya," *everybody* jumped on the "furr'n" bandwagon. Even Cokie Roberts had the gall to make some comment about his "exotic" vacations in Hawai'i. Everybody knows Mittens' daddy was born in Mexico. Not a single person has asked, "Where are the citizenship papers? Show us the long form!"

          Couldn't have anything to do with being blah, could it? No, of course not.

          • montreal_bruin

            I'm thinking that "renouncing" one's US citizenship must not do jackshit in any legal sense, and Mitt's grandpa was just a fugitive from justice as far as US law was concerned.

          • SorosBot

            And I don't think his mother ever renounced her citizenship, making the whole thing moot. Except, of course, under the special made-up sexist rules of the birthers.

          • But that was *precisely* my point, dear SorosBot.

            Under existing law, Obama's mother is a US citizen, and therefore her child is a US citizen. There are other factors that must be taken into account, but in *birfer* terms, this is the essence of the argument.

  • mavenmaven

    Thor is pissed.

    • Loaded_Pants

      First he had to deal with Loki's treachery and now THIS!

    • You could thay he'th thor about it.

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        You're Thor? I can thcarthely thtand up thtrate!

  • Extemporanus

    Nope, not clingy at all…

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    This is so awesome! Let's go stone some disobedient children! (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

    Also, Josiah Bartlett's version of the classic "Dr. Laura" question: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4jryX_DGUQ

    • Loaded_Pants

      "You're not gonna clean your room? Get to the driveway because it's stonin' time!"

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Oh, and 22:28-29 also has this knee-slapper for Pennsylvania's upcoming revision to the Criminal Code:

      If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

      See? Personal responsibility!

      And Deut 23: 1 is food for thought as well: No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the LORD.

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        Well, dammit, now I'm just having a fine old time with this Deuteronomy thing. How about 25: 5-12?

        5 If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband’s brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. 6 The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel.

        7 However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, “My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.” 8 Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” 9 his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, “This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.” 10 That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.

        11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

        How is it that there's no band named "Family of the Unsandaled"?

        • Q: What do you call a woman who tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the assailant's genitalia?

          A: "Lefty."

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Does the UFC still have Rule 11? Because that would be awesome.

        • Um, you know, some of the ladies might protest that last one, being minded to seize with their hands the privates of those who would, um, assail, heh, their husbands.

          (Wut means, "assail"? Does it include anal sex?)

      • Loaded_Pants

        Well, I guess that disqualifies Marcus.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      O.M.G -that is like righteousness porn I had to watch 4 or 5 times to get the bible verses written down right.

      Dear Christian Religious Extremist Friends…

      Bring it.

      • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        Probably worth mentioning that while Leviticus does ban blended fabrics and planting different cops together, it doesn't actually call for stoning for those two. Or as more than one wingnut has put it, the liberals who made The West Wing totally lied about the Old Testament.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Oh yeah…the fact that the whole shellfish/mixed-cloth/crops/gays thing all within proximity of each other is argument enough. Throw in kids being killed by bears for teasing a prophet, a dude offering to give up his daughters to a horny mob, etc and you have plenty for an argument even without the stoning.

  • Negropolis

    Yes, but it's the Koran that poses the greatest threat to American democracy, right? I'm left bereft of any snark. Well, except for this this:

    Needz moar Jefferson Bible.

    Notice how they left out the guy who cut out the parts of the Bible he didn't like. lol

  • Callyson

    Just checked the Pittsburgh Post – Gazette's web site–nothing on this. Coverage of proposed transit cuts and property tax assessments instead. Nothing on the Philadelphia Inquirer's site on this either.
    Can we replace the PA legislature with the Post – Gazette's and Inquirer's editors? At least they have their priorities right…

    • SorosBot

      Well the Inquirer's editors were the ones who thought it was a good idea to give a job to Rick Santorum right after we kicked him out of the Senate; oh who also decided to hire torture king John Yoo; so I don't think we can exactly trust them.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why don't they honor what people actually read: Porn.

    • WHEREAS boobies, cooters, wangs, and sometimes buttholes are stimulating to many Americans, and

      WHEREAS in the absence of the real items, visual images, either static or moving, can similarly generate excitement in the naughty bits and facilitate wanking and/or taco massage, therefore let it be

      RESOLVED that 2012 be known as the YEAR OF PORNOGRAPHY in recognition of its great role in helping Americans get off.

      • SOMEtimes? Lemme tell ya, buddy, there's a HELL of a lot more straight people practising Teh Buttsechs than all the faggots in this country put together!

    • Chichikovovich

      You mean the Song of Solomon?

      • flamingpdog

        What is Aramaic for "fap fap fap"?

        • I think "fap" is pretty universal for "fap," if you get my drift.

      • Guppy

        "Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them. "

        That's the Pennsyltucky I know!

        • Then it really ought to be "Thy teeth are like the lone sheep that wander …" and et cetera.

    • Angry_Marmot

      I'm trying to figure out how I'd swear on a stack of porn; I've only got two hands, damnit!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        They let Muslims swear on the Koran… I wonder if I could insist on a bowl of fettucine?

      • You could swear on that pizza the pizza man is delivering in every porno I've ever seen.

        • Biff

          Which is a vegetable!

  • Dashboard Buddha
    • thebeatgoeson

      I just choked reading that. Perfect!

    • Tilley

      I am so stealing that for FB and other purposes.

    • Run away with me, DB. We'll take the other Wonketteerz with us, of course, but it wouldn't be fun without them anyway.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "Year of the Bible"? Wow! Glad legislators in PA don't have any pressing issues to worry about like schools, infrastructure, unemployment, and the uninsured. I guess God took care of all that for them & this is His quid pro quo.

    • He took care of that after he got finished telling all those Republicans to run for president.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Why didn't Rick Perry think of this? The Lawd wants action, not prayerin'.

  • NOW I see what religion I'm supposed to become to be a true American. I've been trying to figure it out for at least a couple a decades now.

    • Biff

      Just ask Mittens.

    • gizdal

      american religion = worship of Mammon. money, Gelt, shekels..,even the preachermen with their glitzy TV shows are all about raking in the wealth.
      tax-free for them….speakin about taxes now… why should they be exempt jes becauz they wearin some funny backward white collar…glory be to religion and avoidance of tax. ron hubbard figured it out- call your cult a religion and it's all TAX-FREE.

      end the budget deficit by taxing these hypocrites.

  • ChrisM2011

    AH, the separation of church and state. On of the building blocks of this country that has made it so gr- HEY, wait a minute!

    • Tilley

      "Show me whar in tha con-sti-tew-shun it says separation of church an' state. Yew cain't cuz it ain't in thar." — inevitable bloviating response from the Constitutional-authority redtards.

      • Did you just change your name? I recognize that doggie.

        (Embarrassing true factual fact: MB does not remember names of any of the neighbours, but knows the names of ALL their cats and dogs, including those LONG GONE.)

        • Tilley

          I did. I've decided to traipse through the Internet incognito from now on.

          • Dammit, I thought you were going to play name-tag with me!

          • tribbzthesquidz

            Greetings fellow Tennesseeseeian!

  • Negropolis

    Well, if you love the Bible soo much, conservatives, why don't you marry it? Oh, that's right. Because you define "marriage" as only being between one human man and one human woman. Surely, this makes man-bible marriage an abomination before the Lord.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I recall that there was a classical composer who wrote a little ditty titled "Darling Nikki" (I think his name was Prince). Part of it went:
      I knew a girl named nikki
      I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
      I met her in a hotel lobby
      Masturbating with a magazine.

      Recently, it was discovered that there was an extra, lost verse, which contained these two lines:
      Pennsylvania is libel
      to masturbate with the Bible.

      Needless to say, this was way too controversial for the times. It was those two lines that actually led to Parental Advisory stickers being put on albums instead of the whole Nikki getting off with a magazine lyrics. Tipper Gore still refuses to say which were the most offending lines.

      • I'm still pissed that Moon allowed Tipper to play with her band, man.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Wow. Matt Taibbi on Coundtdown says that Schneiderman, (sp?) is absolutely the man to be head of the agency or whatever it is that is supposed to investigate the banking crisis and who was responsible for it. MT never says anything positive about Hopey and Wall Street. In fact, he's so positive tonight it makesk me wonder if he has started taking feel-good pills.

    • flamingpdog

      I pray to the FSM that Schneiderman(sp?) doesn't like to take the train down to D.C. to hook up with women of the night.

      • But I bet he's going to get a lot of tempting offers paid for by the Wall Street boys.

    • Matt Taibbi ONLY EVAH takes feel-bad pills. That is a fact. A factually true honest fact.

      Actually, he really liked Hopey, oncet, back in early days. Sniff!

      • Negropolis

        I hear from his own community of journalists that he has a horrible temper. Not sure how relevant that is beside the fact that it may speak to the negative angle he takes on most everything.

        • MissNancyPriss

          That someone has a terrible temper is, somehow, always relevant. I've found.

        • I guess this means we're not goin' drinking with him OR Ken Layne.

  • The next resolution they adopted declared the funnel cake the official fairground snack of the Susquehanna River watershed.

  • Geminisunmars

    If they are really going to follow the Bible, they're gonna have to give up shellfish.

    • C_R_Eature

      They can have my Shellfish when they pry them out of my cold, dead hands.

    • Biff

      Also, Spandex.

      • bagofmice

        That would be on cold dead thighs.

    • That'll be the day! Also, BACON!!

  • DustBowlBlues

    I'm out of juice, my snarking mates. I worked in the gardens all day, in a wind that must have been gusting to 40, with our 7 year old granddaughter on the toy, motorized John Deere with a trailer for hauling grandma's gardening supplies that the Old Man gave her for her birthday. One too many square bales to haul around and distribute for mulch. Next time I'll get some heavy lifting out of my "helper." :-)

  • DustBowlBlues

    Ah, meant to add 'Nitey, wonkeratti. Sweet Dreams of the Romney/Gingrich 2012 (or Gingrich/Romney 2012) tickets' concession speech. Well, 'later, losers.

    • Noughty night to you too, DBB!

    • Biff

      Hope the Old Man gets you your own John Deere for your next birthday! I'm no farmer, but I'd be lost without my ag tractor.

  • Whereas Paul Atriedes, also known as Muad Dib, is the Kwisatz Haderach,

    And whereas the Bene Gesserit have completed their long-range breeding program to create The One who can look down both the Male and Female Paths,

    And whereas the House Of Atriedes now controls Spice production in this galaxy,

    The Pennsylvania Legislature declares this the Year Of The Orange Catholic Bible.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Creeping Shai Hulud!

    • MosesInvests

      New bill being proposed in the PA legislature: "Thou shalt not create a machine in the image of a human mind."

      • doloras

        BUTLERIAN LIBEL!

  • littlebigdaddy

    PA, haven't you given us enough crap over the years: the Phillies, Big Ben Rapeyburger, Penn State, and, of course, Ole Frothybutt? Maybe just sit the next decade out in the corner with AZ, TN, and SC?

    • SorosBot

      Hey now, what's with badmouthing the Phillies? We've also given you cheesesteaks, soft pretzels, oh and America. As for the godforsaken rest of the state though, yeah they pretty much suck.

      • littlebigdaddy

        Yeah, but the worst fans in all of professional sports, including the Yankees. And you yourself mentioned the cheesesteak.

        • SorosBot

          Someone's forgetting Red Sox/Patriots fans.

        • chicken_thief

          RAIDER LIBEL!!!!

          • Biff

            Nailed it, Oakland fans are the worst!

        • Yeah, I was thinkin' SB ain't doin' himself no favours talking about that (gag) Philly cheesesteak.

          • SorosBot

            Cheesesteak libel! They are delicious, if insanely artery-clogging.

          • Says the fellow with the healthy, 20-y.o. arteries. Buddy, when you get to my age, EVERYTHING's clogged already. Ain't no room fer no more cloggin!

          • SorosBot

            20 year old? I wish; I'll be 36 in less than a month and am feeling old these days.

          • Ah-HA! Happy Birfday in advance, dear SorosBot. Consider yourself thoroughly hugged.

            Old age ain't for sissies, baby. You'll be feeling a LOT older in 30 years, trust me on this. And I won't be around to see it, so here's another hug.

          • HistoriCat

            You really want to feel old? Have kids – you start feeling like a codger instantly.

          • SorosBot

            That is something I plan on never, ever doing.

          • YAY SB!!!

            Whatever happened to the ZPG movement, anyway? I thought I was the last person to even remember about it.

        • Hey. Hey! Lower Bucks born and raised, here. I'm female and actually pay for Sunday Ticket to see the Eagles. My father worked for the Courier Times for over three decades. Right now I live in the cultural cesspool that is Arizona. Don't ever shit on Philly!

      • Loaded_Pants

        You forget my only hetero crush, the lovely Tina Fey.

        EDIT: well, just one of my very few hetero crushes.

        • I know the feeling, sweetie.

          • Loaded_Pants

            She's like the lady version of the type of guys I have a weakness for: short, with dark hair & they can make me laugh.

            EDIT: I'm 6'2" so "short" is very relative, in this sense.

          • Honey, you and Fare *really* need to talk!

  • Come here a minute

    If it was up to the liberal college edumacated eeleets, it would be the year of the 'generic holy book'.

  • salt_bagel

    "Deeply held religious convictions springing from the holy scriptures led to the early settlement of our country"

    You mean persecution in England? I guess that was a deeply held conviction, so sure, go ahead and spin it that way.

    • Well, they kept convicting them of gawdknowswhat and imprisoning their asses, so, yeah, deeply (as in, in the dungeon) held (as in imprisoned) convictions (in a court of law).

      You'd run away too, under the circs. They're just lucky they managed to steal the land from, and kill, most of the Injuns (feather, not dot).

  • Slim_Pickins

    In 1788, Isaac Backus, a delegate to the Massachusetts Constitutional Convention remarked, "religious tests were the greatest engine of tyranny in the world." He was a Baptist minister. The counter-enlightenment has taken hold.

    • With a firm grip on all our throats.

  • Chichikovovich

    So if 2012 is the "Year of the Bible" does that mean that the other years aren't Bible years? So they can yammer about the Bible all they want in 2012 so long as they shut their flapping gums in the decades after that?

    That's not so bad.

  • voodooeconomics

    Whereas, We believe in Mickey Mouse, and We should base our belief in the House of the Mouse.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This should definitely show those stupid liberals that Pennsylvania isn't clinging to its guns and religion. Well — this along with shooting off a finger because Pennsylvania thought it had cleared the chamber.

    • Biff

      Which brings to mind the best worst blonde joke ever…

      • Er … yeah?

        • Biff

          Blonde goes to her doctor with a terribly mangled finger. Doc asked how it happened. She said she was depressed and decided to off herself. Aimed her pistol at her chest, but couldn't bear the thought of messing up her tits. Then put the barrel in her mouth, but remembered all the money she invested in her smile, and just couldn't. So she put the gun to her right ear, but then thought how loud it would be, so she put her left index finger in her ear…

          • Cruel!!! But funny. Would repeat to total (non-blonde) strangers.

  • Get out the Parmesan cannons, the flying spaghetti monsters are circling.

    • C_R_Eature

      Aim for the Balls! AIM FOR THE BALLS!!

      • He's a Ballchinian!

        • C_R_Eature

          Balzac Approves this Message.

          • Don't think I don't see what you did there, Honore.

    • That reminds me … it's Meaty Beaty Big 'n Bouncy Pasta day at La Casa de Los Gatos, with, ya goddit, Spaghetti with Meatballs. Praise HIM!

  • Then there was Asshole, who begat Dickhead, who begat Fartknocker, who begat Fuckwit, who begat Shithead, who begat Cuntdrip, who begat Santorum…

    • bagofmice

      You may want to recheck your genealogy. In particular the latest parent in the chain.

  • tealsheart

    This chit goes against EVERYTHING the bible kinda stands for, thank god it was de'clared before the end of the world this year

  • JackObin

    Thou shalt not think.

  • This reminds me, I really should read that book one of these days. Don't anybody spoil it by telling me how it ends.

  • owhatever

    For the Year 2013, it will be "My Pet Goat."

  • Wolfie Rankin

    Kids, There are levels of being a fuck up, wrapping oneself in the flag of your nation and waving a bible in peoples faces is one of the worst forms.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Did some Pennsylvanian senators overhear some Chinese people talk about this being the Year of the Dragon during Chinese New Year celebrations and be like "OH THOSE DIRTY CHINESE ARE TRYING TO JIHAD OUR YEAR!"?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    Is that why Paterno died; he couldn't take the stress of Bible Year?

  • WiscDad

    The Penn St. legislature is actually doing the only thing they have left to do…force people to believe the Bible is actually the state constitution. If you haven't noticed….the weirdest shit this year has come out of that state. From the Nittany Lion's gay boy production factory to stupid vampire fucksticks killing and eating motherfuckers. PA has ALWAYS been the #1 state I will NEVER live in. It's Like Sheboygan WI only a fucking STATE, What a bunch of redneck fucks. When you drive through PA…it smells like fried food and burden…and prison and dead people.

    • Don't forget the relentless wife beating!

      • Biff

        Yes, always with the wife beating!

  • Steverino247

    George Meade would let Lee have it if he was marching through there today.

  • Steverino247

    Pray in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled first.

  • Fuck me, these people get a burr up my ass. Dumbass hick motherfuckers.

    • Welcome to my world.

      • My deepest sympathies, slowhan. (Hugs the poor lad/lass)

        What a horrible fate. A friend of mine has a SIL who lives in PA, whom she describes as "a fucking Kentucky Redneck mysteriously transplanted to the North." She says once you leave Philadelphia, ain't no cullud folks safe on the roads till they're out of the state. I hope she's exaggerating.

  • Troglodeity

    Now now now, not to worry. I'm sure that the Pennsylvania House of Representatives plans to honor the holy tract of a different religion each year:

    2013: "Whereas, the Koran, the Word of God …"
    2014: "Whereas, the Torah, the Word of God …"
    2015: "Whereas, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Word of God …"
    2016: "Whereas, the Book of Mormon, the Word of God …"

    And so forth. Because it's certainly obvious to every patriotic, freedom-loving American that the government's singling out of the Christian Bible as the sole "Word of God" is insanely, ridiculously unconstitutional and even treasonous.

    • doloras

      Don't laugh, they've been getting enough donations that next year it will actually be _Dianetics_.

  • Dimitrios_M

    Anybody who actually followed ALL of the rules in the New Testament could never be allowed to be President of the United States, and anyone who followed ALL of the rules in the Old Testament could never be allowed out of the psychiatric ward.

  • YasserArraFeck

    WHEREAS my state income taxes pay these fuckwits?!

  • Negropolis

    "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full."

    – Jesus, Mathew 6:5

    **sigh**

    If only these bastards would actually read the Bible. But, I shouldn't be expecting much from the Illiterati.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      You expect far too much.

      I saw some piece on TV I think (at least, I can't find it on the internet) talking about heartland churches. The piece itself wasn't interesting but the shots of the large churches were.

      Decked out with flatscreens on the wall and with a pastor exhorting the faithful to work hard – for Jesus wants you to succeed. The screens displayed slide decks with bullet points such as "Success" "Faith" "Wealth".

      That's not religion. That's fucking self-help hucksterism wrapped up in a thin cloak of Christianity. The teachings of Christ are actually pretty damn cool, and that's said as an atheist, but that shit is far and away different.

      Just skeeves me out really.

      • Negropolis

        It's called the "Gospel of Wealth" and has so deluded, subverted, and opposed actual Biblical teachings it's not even funny. I always say that the mainstream American brand of Christianity (read: the non-denominational mega-churches) is one of the most cynical you'll find anywhere in the world. American Capitalism co-opted the European version, which itself was kind of deluded, and turned it into something that the original church (and even the current Orthodox churches) wouldn't even recognize as Chrisitanity.

        This shit being passed off as Christianity in the mega-churches, today, is digusting for its cynicism.

    • Upfist for Illiterati.

    • HistoriCat

      I can probably remember "Mathew 6:5". Excellent – I now have a comeback to bible verse sprayers.

  • freakishlywrong

    WHEREAS are the jews on this?

    • HelmutNewton

      There are jews in Pennsyltucky?

  • Smithboy

    I like the part of the bible where it tells women they can't speak in church, follwed by rules by which you may stone your daughter, followed by rules on how you should treat your slaves, followed by Noah buiding a boat that accomodated dinosaurs. Then there is part about God loving Jews better than the rest of us, which really hurts my feelings.

    But the best part has to be about a young woman giving birth to a child and then telling everyone…God is the baby daddy.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Well, when you put it that way the bible just sounds plain silly.

    • RadioFetusEater

      My girlfriend liked this part though:

      Ezekiel 23:20
      She lusted after lovers with genitals as large as a donkey’s and emissions like those of a horse.

      • Negropolis

        Song of Songs/Solomon is practically x-rated.

        • RadioFetusEater

          SongofSolomon.ChristChristChrist

    • If you were a young woman who got pregnant but wasn't married back in those times, wouldn't YOU have claimed God for the babydaddy? It was either that or be stoned to death as an harlot, I would imagine.

      Helluva lot better than pointing to ol' Joe and saying "Him! He did it!" since a woman's word in law at that time (IIRC) was worth about half or less that of a man's.

  • SorosBot

    I'm just glad they didn't try this shit under our last governor, Ed Rendell; who is Jewish and so might have had a bit of a problem with it.

  • worrierqueen

    Oh Goody, can't wait to find out who the nominations are next year. Or is this groundbible year?

  • chicken_thief

    "WHEREAS, This nation now faces great challenges that will
    test it as it has never been tested before;"

    Apparently "negro in the White House" trumps "Civil War".

    • Not just "civil" war, but even the decidedly uncivil conflict of WW II. Damn, if only I'd known Negrismo was so POWERful.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Pennsylvaniastan.

    • DahBoner

      As long as they stay away from veiled women, it should be OK.

      With veiled women, you never know if you're fucking a whore or your daughter-in-law, as the Bible so wisely tells us:

      "When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?"

      Genesis 38:15-16

      • AlterNewt

        "Girls Gone Veiled!"

      • Negropolis

        Have you seen Pennsyletucky wimmenz? Hell, forget the hijab, just go straight to burqa, and the men, too, while we're at it.

  • Sassomatic

    Speaking of things this country was built on, maybe we should also declare 2012 the "Year of Slave Labor."

    • Mahousu

      Also known as the "Year of Walmart."

  • Biff

    Oh sure, Pennsyltucky, give teh bible the leap year…

  • tcaalaw

    Is there not a single Jewish house member in Pennsylvania?

    • How about a single SANE or constitutionally-minded member?

  • metalheadbroker

    Where can I get my hands on a meth bible? I keep screwing up the recipe.

  • valgal2342

    Leviticus Lives!

    • DahBoner

      Well, the Amish don't trim their beards….

      • Biff

        I could never figure out what they meant by "rounding the corner of your face". I mean shaving's one thing, but what about Callista's mug? Appears some significant "rounding" may have taken place.

  • lulzmonger

    I'm holding out for the sequel.

    2013: Year Of The Necronomicon!

    If Jesus H. Christ Esq. moonwalks down a rainbow tomorrow, these self-righteous motherfuckers had better have their Kevlar jockstraps on, because that undead hippy is going to kick off a global Nutsack Pinata Party like ugly on a duck.

  • I hope this is the Bible that promotes capitalism and hedge funds and not the wimpy one with that "do on to others" garbage.

  • Man0nTheStreet

    In the interest of "diversity", the House also approved "Jew Week", wherein they're encouraging PA's Jews to wear friendly yellow stars on their clothing so Christians can more easily recognize them…

  • Pittsburgh58

    We are Pennsyltucky afterall.

  • My home state is a fucking bad joke.

  • Puffperney

    It has been nothing but downhill ever since WIlliam Penn handed the state over to non-Quakers.

  • DahBoner

    Bible Fun Facts:

    * Adam & Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden in order to prevent them from eating from the tree of life, which would have made them eternal!

    * Jonah was eaten by a fish, not a whale.

    * The “Rapture” is not in the Bible!

    * The Three Wise Men–there weren’t three and they didn’t visit Jesus in a manger.

    * The Bible does not condemn drinking alcohol or gambling and betting

    i'll BET YA THAT I SEE YOU DOWN AT THE CASINO FOR A GLASS OF JESUS JUICE!!!

  • DahBoner

    SexyTime Bible Fun Facts:

    1. The Bible never mentions abortion (Sorry FetusJar!).

    2. The Bible suggests marriage is the lifelong union of one man and one woman; the union of one man and up to 700 wives; and often undesirable, because it distracts from service to the Lord.

    3. The Bible says of homosexuality: male sexual pairing is an "abomination", but says nothing wrong about lesbians (see Ruth and Naomi’s rug-munchin' love).

    4. In the Bible, erotic writing is exemplified by “Song of Songs,” which celebrates sex for its own sake. YAAAAY! FUCKING IS IN THE BIBLE!

    5. Jesus says that divorce is permitted: Never. And only to men whose wives have been unfaithful (sorry Newt!)

    6. Adultery, Incest and sex with angels is forbidden (stay out of LA, ha!).

    7. The people of Sodom were condemned principally for lack of compassion for the poor and needy (Sorry Mitt!)

    • Geminisunmars

      But what does it say about the US Constitution?

    • Negropolis

      2. The Bible suggests marriage is the lifelong union of one man and one woman; the union of one man and up to 700 wives; and often undesirable, because it distracts from service to the Lord.

      You also forgot "a lifelong union of one man and one girl."

  • BZ1

    Separation of church and state, anyone, anyone???

  • I'll be in Vegas in a couple of months. See you in the casino.

    P.S. Jesus just left Chicago.
    ~

  • mavenmaven

    Good timing, now that Palin is invoking the crucifixion in her defense of Gingrich. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/27/sarah-pa

  • C_R_Eature

    Well, the one thing that we're missing in the wide-ranging Theological aspects of the discussion is the pervasive belief that Clapton is God.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Stevie Ray gave his life for clapton

      • C_R_Eature

        Stevie Ray was A-OK and I really miss having him around.

        • SudsMcKenzie

          No, he literally gave up his "space" at Alpine Valley, clapton lived Stevie died.

          • C_R_Eature

            Holy shit!

            So, Stevie kicks Heroin, gets healthy, starts recording and touring again, is a Nice Guy and says "no, after you Eric" and for all that gets to fly into a mountain .TANJ.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Because God was so sick of the damned harps.

          • C_R_Eature

            Massively Upfisted.
            Those would be the first thing to go if I were in charge.

          • Loaded_Pants

            Worst thing about Heaven would be all those fucking harps. Pluck, pluck, pluck all the time. And the harp players? So smug: "Look how many strings it has! And I can play it!"

          • C_R_Eature

            Yes, and let's not forget all those horrible Cheribim, whirring and zipping around like fat, naked hummingbirds.

            What a fucked up place. I'm glad I'm not going.

          • AlterNewt

            "What if you went to Heaven, and it was just like they said it would be? Wouldn't you feel stupid?"

            ~St. Steven Martin~

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Caroline Kennedy is sending me emails. Any advice on how to let her down easy ?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Ask her where the fuck she was during the early and mid-2000's when progressives were getting our asses kicked. Now she's all "vote for my dead Uncle" and "keep hope alive", blah blah blah. Sorry about the bitter-party-of-one here, but we could have used her voice 10 years ago when the country was just on its way to hell instead of now when we have arrived.

      You're welcome.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        YOW !
        HARSH!

    • C_R_Eature

      Tell her you're spending all your extra money on local environmental, voter registration and voting rights organizations that are 1.) on the front lines 2.) targeted to and making progress in the area you live and 3.) don't have godawful high overhead by paying layers of administrators, marketing and huge salaries of Name Political Personalities.

      Or, you can say that you blew all your extra money on flying lessons.

      Too Far?

      • Blueb4sunrise

        YOW!!!!!!!!
        HARSHER!

    • flamingpdog

      You can let her down easy on my crotch anytime.

    • AlterNewt

      Tell her you're just not seeing anybody right now.

    • Negropolis

      How about the reverse obligatory "It's not me, it's you"?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Well, after careful consideration of all of your advice, I hit the delete key.

  • ttommyunger

    They don't call it the "KeySTONE" State for nothin'.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Wherein therein as in whereas here to for exemplified by the words of President Jackson that the Bible is “the rock with which we shalt crush the skulls of the Injuns."

  • Biff

    Occupy DC and Oakland acting like dicks, wtf….

  • gizdal

    jesus never read the bible!

    • DahBoner

      Jesus was a lot like Bob Dylan, woolly-haired, barefoot, and hung out with poor people and prostitutes a lot and sang folk songs off-key to piss off his elders….

  • gizdal

    more on this book- the latest book reviews….

    1) the old book for religious fairy tales

    2) god's big book of bad ideas!

    • DahBoner

      "the old book for religious fairy tales"

      Tell me again the porno story about where this pornstar Jacob took a job where he was paid entirely in women–two Sisters and a Handmaid…

      Genesis 29: 21-28

  • RedAmanda

    So in 2013 we can just shitcan all those fucking bibles.

    • Biff

      Recycle…

    • DahBoner

      So in 2013 we can just shitcan all those fucking bibles.

      Shitcanning is already in the Bible, dude…

      Solomon 5:4
      My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

      • OneDollarJuana

        This is a fun game!
        Genesis 15:4
        And, behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, This shall not be thine heir; but he that shall come forth out of thine own bowels shall be thine heir.

        Sounds like Santorum to me.

      • Negropolis

        Ooo, the very first documentation of a Cleveland Steamer!

  • GlowneyHouse

    Glad to see the divorced, astrologer consulting Reagan gets mentioned and that Godless heathen Jimmy Carter gets snubbed.

    • Word, y'all.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I remember a news story from wayback in the Carter Administration, where they mentioned that Jimmy spent, oh, a half hour before bed each night reading the Bible in Spanish. Because he had already memorized it in English.

      Obviously, I don't know if that was entirely true (and I hope it wasn't — what a waste of neurons), but Carter was the only really religious President I've seen in my lifetime. And I liked him anyway, because he didn't act like he was compelled to ensure that I was religious.

  • cheetojeebus

    I'm just going to put this out there. If I have to wake up on Monday morning and read a story on my Wonkette about that lame "rap" written by Gingrich supporters, there will be blood.

    So_______ much ___________blood.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      CHECK THE WONKWIRE
      CHECK THE WONKWIRE
      CHECK THE WONKWIRE
      CHECK THE WONKWIRE
      CHECK THE WONKWIRE
      CHECK THE WONKWIRE

      • cheetojeebus

        Sadly, that is the first example, there is a new one.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "He attended the 1964 Republican National Convention where his father led a challenge of moderates against the right-wing Barry Goldwater. "

      And now, Goldwater seems charmingly moderate.

    • Everything I know about the MorMen, I learned from James Ellroy's Underworld USA trilogy. (Too bad the 2nd and 3rd books sucked.)

    • flamingpdog

      Sorry, but it looks like that white horse has been preempted by not only the evangelical Tim Tebow crowd, but by the Muslins as well!

      • They stole Johnnie Patmos' four whores' men?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        They just make shit up, ain'a?

  • Seriously, if Jebus doesn't rapture these idiots soon this country is going to be totally fucked!

    • Fare la Volpe

      "Going to be"? You sure it isn't already?

  • AlterNewt

    So who do you suppose said THIS, this weekend?

    "They're all stupid, [the Republican debates] he said, arguing that viewers aren't watching to learn about the issues. “It's like you're tuning in to a car race, you really want to see if there's a wreck."

    (See first reply for answer)

    • AlterNewt

      Chris Wallace.

    • flamingpdog

      I've been watching to see who will be the first one to forget himself in the heat of the moment and say "nigger".

      • AlterNewt

        It could very well be one of the moderators, given some of the venues.

    • Rotundo_

      No one is going to learn a thing about issues that matter to the average schmuck on the street in a Republican debate: They don't do economics excepting the no taxes line and they would rather froth up the bubbas with firey rhetoric about abortion, religion, guns, nears and socialists in the whitehouse etc. There isn't any reason to *ever* watch a republican speech unless you're waiting for them to fuck it up. It has all been said, usually more eloquently by Saint Ronald.

      • AlterNewt

        ".. froth up the bubbas.."

        Amen.

      • Loaded_Pants

        And all the audiences for these "debates" gleefully applaud the idea of people dying because they were too poor to afford healthcare. Psychopath/Racist 2012!

    • C_R_Eature

      Hell, Wallace…anyone who's been halfway paying attention could have said that. Really earning that 6-Figure salary, eh?
      I watch (when I can) to marvel at the intellectual bankruptcy that the "Conservative Movement" has degenerated into, to shake my head and shudder at the spectacle of all the True (White, Christian – oh, except for that Palestinian guy who was an obvious plant) Believers in the audience and to savor the opportunity to beat the everloving dogshit out of Gingrich in print again.
      I just don't do this sober. Can't, hurts too much.

    • Barrelhse

      Mr. Wallace is absolutely right.
      Keep the debates coming!

  • Buckminster

    why, oh why do these idiots keep taking up my air? Bible is good reading, but so is the latest Stephen King novel. More blood and guts in Bible, however. Can Montana vote in "Stranger in a Strange Land?"

    • flamingpdog

      Montana can vote in me anytime.

    • Bluestatelibel

      I'm sure this inspired tens of thousands of Pennsylvanians (those who can read at least) to pick up the Bible and start reading it because of this so-wise and important proclamation!

  • NYNYNYjr

    I feel like it's been forever since a republican debate. When's the next one? I'm jonezinn–

  • AlterNewt

    "WHEREAS, Deeply held religious convictions springing from the
    holy scriptures led to the early settlement of our country.."

    WHEREUPON these persecuted pilgrims in turn persecuted their own dissenters in the name of said Bible.

  • Limeylizzie

    Completely OT, but I ended up on this insane website and , of course, had to post about Orly Taitz and I am getting berated , see below.

    To LimeyLizzie…anyone who routinely and almost exclusively posts on Wonkette; then, out of bloody nowhere suddenly appears here and plants a "screed" against those of us who "don't feel the love" for your precious pet "Hopey" (that's what she calls Obama ). has a few ethical and moral screws lose. Her posts on Wonkette consist mainly of coarse and frequent foul language. You've got a following at Wonkette "LimeyLizzie" so may I suggest you return to your favored base of operation and leave CiR to the Conservative trash who find a huge difference between there being a "black man in the White House" and a "lying, Marxist, probably-ineligible-to-hold-office, "Caliph-in-Chief" man who happens to be black in the White House". Sounds to me as if you have "reverse discrimination" refined to an art form….
    Sorry no soliciting allowed here….take it down the street Madam Lizzie.
    Go to comment

    In reply to your comment:

    You people are insane, racist and idiotic. Your "leader" Orly Taitz is certifiable and will be disbarred eventually with all these frivolous lawsuits. Why don't you all just shout out "There's a black man in the White House" it amounts to the same thing.

    • AlterNewt

      "You've got a following at Wonkette "LimeyLizzie" so may I suggest you return to your favored base of operation"

      Welcome home.

    • Those are the wages of trolling. Next time, fuck with them from a separate trolling account.

    • yyyaz

      Just a bunch of pinheads dancing on an angel, LL.

    • Well, young lady, that will teach you not to stray too far from home!

      • Limeylizzie

        Sometimes those lunatics make me so angry I just can't resist taunting them.

        • I don't blame you.The general stupidity, not to mention absence of credible facts, make them rather irresistible.That message you received was over the top, though.Way too personal.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Please don't let this discourage you from "coarse and frequent foul language".

      p.s I hope the BWE thing went well!

    • Barrelhse

      You hussy, you.

    • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

      Lizzie, dammit, now I've gone and posted over there, too. Stupid Google…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        As one of our Wonketeers put it, more or less, tweaking birthers is like shooting tuna in a sardine can. In a battle of wits, they're naked, unarmed, and comatose … and Lizzie went marching in there with a howitzer. (At least it wasn't Barb, nuking them from orbit.)

        By the way, that web page is insane even by birther standards. Seems that Obama's BirfCert is a "soft wear creation", and "media outlets, our Republican candidates, the Supreme Court, and all members of Congress" are involved in a conspiracy to hide what is really going on. That is one big motherfucking conspiracy! The 9/11 plotters behind the controlled demolition of the WTC are pikers compared to these evil geniuses. (Why, it's such a hot and happening conspiracy, I'll bet the pope and Putin and Justin Bieber are in on it.)

        Not worth posting to those loons (there are only about 9 goobers who bother with the site), but it is fun to go over and upfist Lizzie, just to mess with their heads. Do it — you know you want to.

        • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

          I liked this one: " liberalism was initiated in the 1940's to create a smokescreen for a thing called policitcal corruption."

          wat is this i don't even…

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Don't try, doc. Don't even try.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      But what we really want to know was how did the audition go?

      Also, fuck those assholes.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Incidentally, I wonder if any of those teabags could give a five-sentence synopsis of Marx's philosophy. And I don't mean "Why a duck?"

  • What's this about Obama is our Italian Cruise Ship Captain according to the head of the RNC???

    Doesn't he know – black people can't sail boats! It's like expecting a Scotsman to play tennis!!!

    Jeepers, I can't wait for Obama to crush these insects!

    • deelzebub

      Andy Murray libel!

    • Veritas78

      However, chain them to the gunnel, apply the tawse, and they make perfectly good oarsmen. True fact.

    • Negropolis

      Andy Murray libel, yo!

      Damn you, deelzebub! Khan!

    • Barrelhse

      At least Obama can jump.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If anybody is Captain Queeg, it's Newt Gingrich.

      Refucklicans are just trolling for votes from white people who are bothered by the very idea of a black man who's superior to them in every way. They're not in the majority, so screw 'em.

  • Larry McAwful

    "Of course it's the Year of the Bible," Governor Corbett said to a throng of reporters gathered outside his Harrisburg office. "After I'm done with this state, prayer is all you'll have left." Then the governor went on to explain why it's better, in the long run, to leave religious tracts instead of money when tipping waitstaff. "A few bucks or eternal life: which would you rather have?" When asked about how people are supposed to make a living, Corbett said, "Tell 'em to go get an education. Or pray. Whichever, who cares."

  • Negropolis

    OT: So, I'm wasting away time watching CNN, and a Gingrich rally from yesterday is one. Usually, I wouldn't watch this shit, but I decided to let it ride. Newt's down in the sun somewhere in Bumblefuck, Florida prattling on about the evil elites on Wall Street and in Washington, and how both parties have failed us, and how he's going to stand up to the Republican establishment, and he thanks the nobody Herman Blah Cain, and he's so incredibly earnest…and it hits me the lengths he will go to and the rhetoric he's reduced to when he sees it all slipping away. All of a sudden, ole unapologetically fascists, hyper partisan Newt is reduced to Occupy Newt, using liberal tropes and framing because Romney is crushing his ass in the polls. And, then I begin to allow myself to pity him…

    …and then in a terrifying personal revelation and most important: I die a little inside.

    EDIT: And now the Flrida Attorney General is on spewing platitudes about Mitt Romney with a third grade vocabulary. Man, you guys just brought in a whole slew of morons down there, didn't you?

  • Negropolis

    So, only a scale of Rick Sndyer ("moderate-ish") to Scott Walker/Rick Scott ("crazy and/or evil"), where does Corbett fall?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Oh, I dunno. The Bible is one of my favorite works of fiction.

  • wapitiscat

    Punxsutawney Phil does not approve.

  • southrnbelle100

    "Meth" Bible Camp Rd????

    They serve Methanphetamine at Bible Camp in Pennsylvania????? :)

  • Crowe2011

    For those wondering whether a branch of the government declaring the bible to be 'the Word of God' would have constituted 'making a law respecting an establishment of religion' in the eyes of the founders: yes, it would have.

  • DahBoner

    NO ONE Even a groundhog in Pennsylvania named Punxsutawney Phil COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS…

    Sandusky's house is located adjacent to an elementary school playground. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Sandusky

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