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Angry little attack muffins gotta stick together.Internet mean girl Sarah Palin is forgoing her usual illiterate tweeting in order to defend, on teevee, Newt Gingrich, a multimedia huckster who may or may not have illegally promised Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon presidency. The former governor must have really pissed someone off at Fox because she’s been relegated to commentating on some closed-circuit feed called Fox Business News, where she told John Stossel that the establishment (BOO!) is “trying to crucify this man and rewrite history and rewrite what it is that he has stood for all these years.” Never change, Sarah. Never change!

Apparently there has been some sort of vast right-wing conspiracy to “McCain” Gingrich’s candidacy by painting Newt as a volatile, irascible old coot. ATTENTION ALL RIGHT-WING SPECIAL OPS BRIGADES WITHIN THE SOUND OF OUR VOICE: this covert mission is a waste of your money. Just let Newt keep talking about space colonizations further and further afield of any known solar system and this problem will take care of itself. For now though, according to the Huffington Post, Republican operatives insist on going through with it anyway:

On Thursday, a number of conservative media figures launched an anti-Gingrich salvo — highlighted by the right-leaning Drudge Report as a coordinated effort — criticizing him as temperamental, unpredictable, and a historical foil to President Ronald Reagan during his tenure in Congress during the 1980s.

Of course this week’s barrage wasn’t the first time Gingrich has been put in the conservative media’s crosshairs. During his first surge in the polls late last year, columnists from George Will to Peggy Noonan, who characterized him as an “angry little attack muffin,” cast doubt on Gingrich’s leadership credentials.

Sarah Palin, a corporate entity usually known for a free-wheeling, “letting bygones be bygones” style, is still miffed at Peggy Noonan, probably because Peggy SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYED SARAH PALIN’S CREDIBILITY, at least in Sarah’s alternate reality where she overcame the public’s doubts to become President-for-Life and then sent Peggy to Gitmo forever. Here, Palin works out her feelings with Noonan by drawing clumsily, like a child victim in an episode of “Law and Order”:

“They maybe subscribe such characterization of Newt via words like that, but they don’t subscribe those to say Mitt Romney when he or his surrogates do the same thing. That’s that typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades in the political arena,” she said. “It is hypocritical of the media to subscribe to one candidate and not another, that kind of ‘angry attack muffin’ verbiage to one and not the other.”

They maybe subscribe, indeed. [HuffPo]

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  • memzilla

    So Newt's Cabinet will have a "Secretary of Word Saladry" position?

    • I'm perfectly okay with "Ambassador to the future Moon Base."

      • nounverb911

        And she can see it from her house.

        • Nothingisamiss

          C'mon, FTW!

        • Ruhe

          Replies within replies, hidden from plain view, and yet there it is, that nugget of brilliance.

    • Can we use this to toss her and the salad?

    • I thought she was in charge of toss'n Newt's salad?

    • MOG2410

      Maybe, until she quits.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Secretary of Edumacation.

  • illegally promised Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon presidency.

    Moonselini will not be denied!
    ~

  • prommie

    That word, "subscribe," it does not mean what she thinks it means. She should look into the word "ascribe," it might serve better for her purposes.

    • aguacatero

      "Ascribe" is a librul elitist word.

    • Extemporanus

      That's it — I'm canceling my ascription!

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        BUT DONCHU NEED YOR MEDASINS?

    • Generation[redacted]

      As much time as she spends on facebook, I'm surprise she used the word "subscribed" instead of the more commonly accepted "friended."

    • "ascribe"

      Or she can rearrange the letters to spell "I have crabs". (You have to add an "h" and "v" and another "a", but it works!)

    • DaRooster

      But that means people who know such unimportant things, like grammar, would be listening. If she would have said that everyone that listens to her would have said,"Ha Ha.. she used the wrong word…"

      'Merica!!

    • chicken_thief

      I tried to tell her that, but she refudiated my suggestion and I didn't feel like getting into a squirmish with her over it.

      • ProgressiveInga

        I know it's late and you probably won't read this, but that shit made me laugh out loud for realz. Thanks for that.

    • I wonder what she thinks the word "describe" means.

      • BornInATrailer

        "You betcha I like to write in pencil. It has an eraser and you can't describe pen."

        • LesBontemps

          Oh that's so nice. Like Beethoven with his eraser, decomposing.

      • My brain hurts, again.

    • Does she go to Walgreen's to pick up her conscriptions?

    • Grief_Lessons

      You could proscribe her by inscribing that on her backside.

      • jus_wonderin

        I believe that would be asscribe.

    • YasserArraFeck

      all this is enough to make one's head asplode……or subsplode…..

      • In her case, that would be *ass*plode.

  • Indiepalin

    I'm fascinated by Sarah's own angry little attack muffin.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Indiepalin:

      Or you'd just like to attack Duh Gov'Nuh's angry (and, apparently, lonely) little muffin?

      • prommie

        With an axe.

        • Ruhe

          Now you see, getting past that kind of irrational, vagina focused anger is step one in Marcus Bachman's program. And y'all are always making fun of him.

        • YasserArraFeck

          only if you don't mind losing the axe

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Todd?

      • MOG2410

        Sweeney? Or am I going down the wrong track.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Nah…we all love a cutting remark.

          • MOG2410

            I'm channeling the Angela Lansbury version. Loved her little hairknots.

        • Geminisunmars

          You mean the Barber of Wasilla?

          • Dashboard Buddha

            I can't figaro what you're trying to say.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Don't be mean to Trig.

  • PuckStopsHere

    If she stopped speaking words she did not know the meaning of, she would be struck dumb. Instead, the rest of us are dumbstruck when she speaks.

  • Newt's Moon Base: "If you build it, she will come."

  • I thought Bristol was "Angry Little Muffin(top)."

    • SorosBot

      I can't say I want to see her angry little muffin top.

    • Not_So_Much

      Nothing little on that linebacker…

      • Boojum_Reborn

        Don't get her muffin mad…

    • YasserArraFeck

      I doubt if Bristle's muffin is little

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I'd like to cancel my subscription to this twat, please.

    • That's what Tawd said.

    • Loaded_Pants

      She keeps popping up like all those blow-in subscription cards.

  • lefty74

    She has held to her convictions. Still holding fast and true to her belief that wine coolers are suitable teenage birth control.

    • Terry

      Which explains why three generations (and counting!) of her family have been knocked up outside of wedlock.

      • MzNicky

        Yeah, they should really try to avoid that place. Must be something in Wedlock's water.

    • tealsheart

      …also makes great gravy for those moose balls

  • SolitaireRose

    She still hasn't started selling things on the Home Shopping Channel yet?

    • LabRodent

      Meth is still against the law.

    • insidebeltway

      Bucket o' Wigs. 30 wigs for $9.99. Your choice of roadkill.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I would love to see her handbag line.

      • You just have to look carefully at her pants, dear.

    • Would *you* buy a used car from that woman?

  • FlyOverGirl

    The potential GOP cabinet for Newt, Mittens, Santorum, or Paul is almost too delightful to imagine. What losers are left?

    • NewtsChicknNeck

      a bunch of hacks you've never heard of and a bunch more retreads you've tried to forget.

    • Trust me, the GOP has plenty more where Newt, Santorum, Mittens and Paul came from. Should the unthinkable happen, there will assuredly be plenty of outlandish goings on to keep Wonkette in snark for a long time or until the United States cease to exist, which ever comes first.

    • chicken_thief

      Cheney ain't dead. Yet.

    • Geminisunmars

      Oh, let's see: Sec of Labor Scott Walker. And Sec of Agriculture and Health and Inhuman Religious Services Whatshisname Huckabee. Sec of Migration Jan Brewer. Sec of the Exterior Chris Christie.

      Okay, I'll stop here.

      • FlyOverGirl

        I'm hoping Christie for VP.

      • LetUsBray

        Dr. Keith Ablowsalot for surgeon general.

    • GOPCrusher

      When does "Duke" Cunningham get out of jail?

    • Scott Walker?

    • rocktonsam

      all of them , Katie

    • MzNicky

      I'm pretty sure Dick Cheney is still alive.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Duh Gov'Nuh's Spill 'n' Spell style matches some of the Amazon reviews of Off-the-Mark Levin's latest book. As he drags the bottom of the barrel for listener support, the quality of the posts has gone from mildly sad to downright pathetic.

  • MzNicky

    Grinchgrinch should get Snowbilly to be his VP candidate. That worked so well for the Repugs last time around.

    • Ruhe

      Assume it happens, he picks Sara and they win and then Newt confidently leads us all right back into the war+recession=success crapper, how will future scholars distill the meaning of this moment in our history? "Most expensive Blowjob, ever."

      • MzNicky

        I think not. Clinton's got that one in the bag, as it were.

    • MRjonz

      The quid pro quo is already in play. The Great Gingrich was first out the gate in the race to be the first Republican presidential candidate to openly pander to the Infallible Sarah.

      At a tele-town hall meeting hosted by Right Wing Christianist and thus far unindicted Abramoff money launderer Ralph Reed, when asked by a caller if he’d consider Palin as a running mate, Gingrich replied in the affirmative, and further suggested he was open to offering her a cabinet post; perhaps making her head of the Department of Energy.
      http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/gingrich-fl

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Or wife number 4

  • MUFFIN LIBEL!!!!

  • lowaltflier

    I do not subscribe to her reasoning.

    • Geminisunmars

      Nor her publishingacations.

  • SorosBot

    "That’s that typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades in the political arena"

    She's been in the political arena since 2006; that's not even one decade, much less a couple of them.

    • Not in Quitter's years.

    • MzNicky

      When you pull Caribou Barbie's string she says "Math is hard!"

      • Wilcoxyz

        I was expecting something more Proctor and Gamble-y. But sure, that too.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Hey, she's talking about when she was mayor of Wasilla, on the PTA and lead hockey mom. Believe me, that PTA shit is cut throat!

      • SorosBot

        Being mayor of a town with a population under 8000 is truly impressive political experience!

        • chicken_thief

          So gruelling that some – well, one, had to hire a Manager to actually do the job for her.

          • LetUsBray

            And yet she still found a way to leave the town $20 million in debt.

          • Don't forget, she also pulled in some $X million (I think it was 48, but not sure) in Federal pork during her tenure. Now, how on earth could a town of 8,000 (smaller than most high schools in our big states) possibly need $68 MILLION??? WTF happened to that money? (Other than that ill-conceived sports stadium.)

          • Loaded_Pants

            Not only that but I seem to recall it was basically a part-time job.

          • You are correct.

          • Well, if you will remember, that's because her constituents were so pissed off with the rotten job she was doing. They *forced* the issue.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Wasilla isn't the political "arena." It's more the policial playpen.

        • Generation[redacted]

          It's not an "arena" so much as a "strip club"

          • MOG2410

            Hey, pole dancers are people, too!

          • SorosBot

            And meth house.

    • HarryButtle

      Beat me to it.

    • Extemporanus

      It is in sled dog years.

    • NewtsChicknNeck

      you're all forgetting that (a) the Miss Alaska pageant has be the entry into politics for many great Americans–Ted Stevens, Michelle Malkin, Teddy Roosevelt, & J. Sidney McCain IV just to name a few; and (b) fucking Glen Rice counts for something in some arena.

      • Jeff Van Gundy is doing the play-by-play for the eventual sex tape release.

      • GOPCrusher

        Crisler Arena

    • Guppy

      She's including the PTA newsletter as being part of "the media."

      • SorosBot

        And she was a journalist! Of course sports reporters aren't exactly political.

        • Guppy

          All the best journalists fuck their subjects.

          • Tundra Grifter

            Actuallly, back in the day we were taught in Journalism Class if you want to cover the circus you can't fuck an elephant.

    • jus_wonderin

      Bittbull (with lipstick) years? Lorne Greene is rolling over in his grave. Here boy, roll over.

    • YasserArraFeck

      only 6 years….it seems so much longer

  • Generation[redacted]

    Today we are all angry little attack muffins.

    • MOG2410

      I'm more of an angry little muffintop.

    • Negropolis

      Can I be an angry little attack turnover?

  • The lamestream media is using "words" again?

    • pdiddycornchips

      rewriting history=recalling what actually happened the last time Newt had a little power

    • Negropolis

      Words, you say?! Hey, no fair!

  • OneYieldRegular

    You twell 'em, Sarah.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I almost feel ashamed when I become as giddy as a schoolgirl when these fuckers feast on themselves. I swear to god my nipples are hard!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Watch it – you'll poke someone's eye out.

    • Steverino247

      Change your gender, then give me a call.

    • Barrelhse

      So, you like to watch?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Who doesn't?

    • Girl, control yourself!

  • Wife Number 4!!!!

    • nounverb911

      Even Newt's taste in wives is too good for that!

      • Not_So_Much

        Well, photographic evidence suggests otherwise. But I think it's safe to assume most of her parts have teeth like a bear-trap.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Callista better keep taking her daily vitamins…

      • Fare la Volpe

        Vitamin "C" for "children."

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          <Shudder>

          • jus_wonderin

            I get it. That is the orgasm she has to fake, right?

    • GOPCrusher

      Too old. Maybe Bristol is more his speed.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Ooooh, she's licking her reptilian lips thinking about how tasty that Newt muffin would be with some wolf stew.

    • fuflans

      ok so i can't unread that.

    • Barrelhse

      Lamia.

  • neiltheblaze

    If there really was a god this screechy hag would have been turned into a pillar of salt by now.

    • Geminisunmars

      It is just a slow, briny process.

  • MzNicky

    "It is hypocritical of the media to subscribe to one candidate and not another, that kind of ‘angry attack muffin’ verbiage to one and not the other.”

    Yeah, stoopid liberal media! If you call one of 'em an angry attack muffin, you should say that about all of 'em. Katie.

    • Generation[redacted]

      You know who else– no… musn't… can't… Also.

      • Hitler!

        Sorry – must remember to disable that macro.

  • I definitely am going to see if the supermarket has those delicious Pillsbury Pop-Up Attack Muffins tonight.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I hear they are loaded with fiber so clear your schedule for the next day.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Dear Sirs: I wish to cancel my subscription to the muffin of the month club.
    Further shipments will be returned to sender.
    Cordially,
    BBT

  • Muffin attack Sarah angry Newt subscribe Palin establishment Noonan moose lip chili tattoo media basketball hypcrites dead McCain turkeys.

    • chicken_thief

      That's what she said.

    • Hmm. Makes about as much sense as her sentence.

  • “trying to crucify this man and rewrite history and rewrite what it is that he has stood for all these years.”

    Crucify him? They haven't made a cross strong enough for his whale body.

    Rewrite history … a subject Sarah Palin™ understands very well, especially the part about Paul Revere warning the NRA the British were going to eat crumpets and whatnot.

    Apparently Newt has stood for blow jobs. Lots of them.

    • Geminisunmars

      I thought he was laid-back for them.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Not that I want to think too carefully about it, but I very much doubt that Newt can stand for more than about 30 seconds.

      Of course, that might be all that is needed.

    • Sheesko

      For this, I would approve of felling a sacred Giant Redwood.

  • Yes Sarah, the past 4 years of seeing your idiotic face in the media have felt like a couple of decades.

  • prommie

    Thats that typical stupidity that she has going on over there, with the grammar and then possibly even gibberish what with the way she can't you know, just say one off them plain old declarative sentences with the subject and also, too a verb in some way, too.

    • Ruhe

      Spot on.

    • Excellent! There is a speechwriter opening in Wassila…

    • Loaded_Pants

      I have hillbilly cousins who are more articulate than Palin.

    • Negropolis

      There is something so defensive and evasive about her speaking, and I think you finally hit upon it in a way that I was finally able to understand understand.

    • MzNicky

      By George, I think you've got it!

  • LabRodent

    I thought America was over the bat shit crazy MILF phase.

    • SoBeach

      Never!

    • MOG2410

      Dream on.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Of course we aren't; The Real Housewives is still on the air.

    • Loaded_Pants

      It's those inflatable boobs of hers. Keeps bringing the MILFers to the yard.

    • Negropolis

      Oh, but they are. Sarah was only foisted upon us by a senior citizen, and we dumped Bachmann's ass like she was a leper.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I cannot read that Sarah Palin quote without seeing turkeys being decapitated in the background.

    • Indiepalin

      They're hitting the pavement like sacks of wet cement !

  • Indiepalin

    Who writes her material? Bachmann?

    • Bachmann's grammar was usually ok; it was her pronunciation and complete avoidance of veracity and sanity that made her special.

      • Geminisunmars

        But they both have plenty of Shootspah!!!

    • chicken_thief

      Lou Sarah's youngest appears to be in charge of her speech writing.

  • SnarkoMarx

    Some stupid thoughts are Palin's
    Some dumb ideas, Gingrich's
    And both of them are getting rich
    The no-good sons of bitches.

  • nounverb911

    This is good news for the vast "left-wing" conspiracy.

  • DaRooster

    "…they don’t subscribe those to say Mitt Romney when he or his surrogates do the same thing."

    To be fair though… on his worst friggin' day… Mitt is never as angry a muffin as nEWt… but there are few of those.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Mittens is not programmed to show signs of "anger".

    • pdiddycornchips

      So true, why haven't Bob Dole and Tom Delay attacked Mittens for his failed stint as House Speaker? Wait, what?

  • HarryButtle

    "That’s that typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades in the political arena,”

    Couple of decades? While it may seem like you've been droning on and on for decades, you've been in the national spotlight for less than 5 years, you twat!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Sarah thinks her political career began when she first got knocked up.

  • Extemporanus

    "You ain't seen nothin' till you're down on an angry little attack muffin. Then you're sure to be a-changin' your ways."

    – That Cunt

  • LabRodent

    God she's just fucking annoying! Thats all I got…..sorry

  • Laugh all you want, when the Cheese Mines on the Moon are raking in trillions of American Dollars you will see the genius of Dough-Boy Newt.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Muffin-topped MILF Mentions Magnificence of Miniscule Mad Muffin

  • jjdaddyo

    Is Sarah Palin a Native American? That would explain all the peyote-talking she does.

  • SorosBot

    I like that, in Sarah's world, the Drudge Report, George Will and Peggy Noonan are the "liberal media".

    • MissTaken

      I know I definitely subscribe via words to the Drudge Report for their liberal verbiage.

      • SorosBot

        Do you subscribe that kind of angry attack muffin, too?

        Seriously, she seems to be getting even dumber. She has put words together that technically make sentences, but they make no sense.

    • Geminisunmars

      Well, they do write and talk in complete sentences, so…

      • anniegetyerfun

        You're right. I never thought about it, but that probably does count George and Peggy among the ranks of the foulist communists.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like someone's angling to be added to someone's Tiffany's account.

    • Loaded_Pants

      She heard they serve a great breakfast, even better than McDonald's!

  • WiscDad

    'angry little muffin"…did that come from a tawdry beach novel?

    • OneYieldRegular

      If it didn't, it's going to.

  • NewtsChicknNeck

    neckfat libel!!!1!

  • Not_So_Much

    "what it is that he has stood for all these years.”

    Blowjobs?

  • PuckStopsHere

    Everyone who ever wished hard for the day Snowbilly would be irrelevant may now rejoice. The day is officially here. Fox Business Channel, indeed.

    • MissTaken

      She's the Maria Bartilomo of FBN. Stupid, arrogant, and has big hair.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Well, Sarah can still be a big wig on FBN.

    • lulzmonger

      Sorry – I'm still holding out for her premiere on the Home Shopping Network.
      On a Wednesday.
      At 3 AM.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Two muffins were in an oven. One said, "damn, it's hot in here". The other said, "holy shit! A talking muffin!"

    • Fare la Volpe

      …and that's how CPAC was born. The End.

      • Loaded_Pants

        No, no, no. It was the two flies sitting on a pile of dung. One of them says to the other "Is it just me, or does this taste like shit?"

  • SoBeach

    It's terrible everyone is bein' so gosh darn mean to Newt for no reason at all.

  • chascates

    And she has an education in broadcast journalism? She creates sentences as though she throws the words down a staircase and then reads them off in the order in which they landed.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Did you know you could throw a guitar down a staircase and it will almost always play Gloria?

      • C_R_Eature

        How many Monkeys with Typewriters would it take to write this, do you think?

        • chicken_thief

          Isn't Mike Nesbith dead? Or was it Micky? Whatev, I think there is only three left.

          • SorosBot

            Nah, they're all still alive; Nesmith just broke from the group quite some time and won't tour with the others anymore.

          • chicken_thief

            Dammit! I need to brush up on my Monkees current events! But dead, or self-exiled, that leaves three for composing Sarah Word Salads.

          • Chichikovovich

            Apparently Nesmith, who inherited the fortune assembled by his mother for inventing White – Out [true fact!] doesn't need the money quite as much as the others.

          • jus_wonderin

            Is he single?

          • C_R_Eature

            Well, if that's the case, then we'll still have two extra for the task.

    • BarackMyWorld

      She's an inexperienced, lazy blowhard, who only makes sense when she's reading off a teleprompter. Basically she's exactly what the rightwingers say Pres. Obama is.

  • comrad_darkness

    Except that Romney is a Secretly Angry Attack Robot. Not the least bit muffiny.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I thought Sarah destroyed her own credibility…

    • Loaded_Pants

      Did she ever have any?

  • johnnymeatworth

    "multimedia huckster who may or may not have illegally promised Palin a cabinet position in his ILLEGAL fantasy moon presidency."

    /fixed

  • Dame Noonington writes that way because she imbibes constantly, to soothe the angry loneliness in her muffin.

    • anniegetyerfun

      "Dusty muffin" is how we refer to our ladybits once we reach a "certain*" age.

      *80? Peggy must be 80 by now.

      • Loaded_Pants

        As a much older lady (90) once told me: "I take off my panties & sand falls out". Yes, she was a awesome old lady.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      mmmmmm…gin.

  • coolhandnuke

    Isn't the official language of Wasila…Angry English Muffin?

  • MissTaken

    I don't know about getting angry attack muffins there but I do know that Muffins Muffins makes the best bahn mi sandwiches when I'm craving some Vietnamese food.

    • SorosBot

      OK now you've got me craving some Vietnamese food; luckily there's a great place just about five or six blocks from my place.

      • MissTaken

        Is it also a muffin place? Donut shops have the best Chinese and muffin shops have the best Vietnamese.

        • SorosBot

          No, no muffins there; although there probably is a Vietnamese muffin place around here. My neighborhood has a lot of Vietnamese and Mexican immigrants, so there's a lot of good restaurants with their cuisine.

          • Geminisunmars

            There goes my diet. Thanks Wonkette. :-(

    • prommie

      Are those the "baguette with canned corned beef, crunchy vegetables, cock sauce and mayo" sandwiches? I lurve them sandwiches, now I have to go to the nearest Vietnamese market.

  • mavenmaven

    "typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades"
    I don't know if four years can be described mathematically as decades, but it sure feels that way with regards to Palin.

  • ph7

    Sarah assures us that you ain't seen nothin' til you're down on an angry attack
    muffin.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Angry Little Attack Muffins sounds like goth metal band made up of soccer moms.

    • GOPCrusher

      Drowning Pool cover band comprised of midgets.

      • Loaded_Pants

        FTW

  • chascates

    She still has hopes President Newt would appoint her as Ambassador to Neiman-Marcus.

  • MissTaken

    Sarah is definitely someone who would glue a little pink furball to her muffin

  • flamingpdog
    • Loaded_Pants

      Alaska's First Dude Lubes Up Newt.

  • Ruhe

    Hey, Matt Langer. Sarah Palin dares you to use rational arguments to convince her. She dares you.

    • Negropolis

      I'm laughing so hard I think I've ruptured by spleen.

  • C_R_Eature

    I find that reading the transcription of Palin's actual words to be as excruciating as listening to her speak them. Does that happen to anyone else?

    Somewhat OT: I'd pay good money to hear John Lithgow give a Dramatic Reading of this.

    • Geminisunmars

      I appreciate the transcription. I can not make myself listen to that voice. If I just read it I can already imagine Lithgow or Olivier or Helen Mirren reading them, and then I don't have to hit my head against a wall.

      • C_R_Eature

        Having a Helen Mirrin reading would be awe inspiring.

        I'm picturing her in character as Queen Elizabeth.

        • Loaded_Pants

          I'm thinking Alan Rickman or Christopher Walken.

          • C_R_Eature

            It's just too bad Boris Karloff's gone.

          • Negropolis

            I want to hear Anna Faris do it…on a trampoline, even.

      • Loaded_Pants

        My eyes start to blur when I read the transcripts.

        • Geminisunmars

          So do mine, but my ears bleed when I hear her voice. So my choice is obvious.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I have a harder time reading them than listening. When she's saying things outloud, I am too distracted by her played-up accent to notice that nothing she says has any meaning, or even any structure. But when I read it, my brain starts to weep.

      • C_R_Eature

        This is exactly what happens to me. My brain just grinds to a halt trying to interpret and then correct that randomly-generated word salad. It's almost physically painful. At least, when she's speaking these horrible things it's over sooner or I can hit the MUTE button.

    • HarryButtle

      Not as excruciating, because her voice adds the whole nails-on-the-chalkboard aspect…but I have to read her transcripts very slowly at least 5 times to translate them into non-gibberish.

      My 5th grader's homework essays, by comparison, are like Shakespeare.

  • SorosBot

    Sarah fail English? That's unpossible!

    • prommie

      Doctor says she wouldn't get so many cunt-bleeds if she'd keep her finger out of there.

  • anniegetyerfun

    John McCain was interviewed on Commie Liberal NPR this morning and is obviously endorsing Mitt Romney. He also said that history would look at Obama with "disgust and disdain" and giggled (I'm not kidding, he actually started laughing) when talking about the Iranian scientists who were murdered recently by Israeli operatives.

    In short, fuck that old fuck, and everything that he brought along with him.

    • fuflans

      uh, no john i really don't think so.

  • Chichikovovich

    Peggy Noonan, who characterized him as an “angry little attack muffin,”

    Huh? Attack muffin??

    I think Dame Peggy has found the fermented cherry cordial hidden in the back of the china cabinet.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I used to love listening to Mary Matalin's radio show back in the 1990s. She'd brag about how she had "only one" cocktail right before they went on the air & you could hear her getting even more sloshed as the show progressed. I should have recorded that shit.

  • C_R_Eature

    Later, She said: "Some people . . .heh, heh… some people like cupcakes exclusively, While I myself say there is naught nor ought there be
    Nothing so exalted on the face of God's Great Earth
    As that prince of foods . . . The Muffin!"

  • SudsMcKenzie

    She is an "Angry Little Teapot".

    • Nostrildamus

      All spout.

  • C_R_Eature

    Japanese Girl Punk band.

  • chicken_thief

    "…angry little attack muffin…."

    I think Peggy confused Newt with the time the Hermanator pushed her head towards his crotch and mumbled the words "well, you want an interview, don't you?"

  • HempDogbane

    I liked Fridays better when we received Peggy's words directly, instead of those subscribed to her.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    How bored am I? I am so bored I am reduced to looking for pictures of attack muffin on the 'net.
    http://deadspin.com/assets/resources/2008/04/muff

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Hey, it's for sale! "Slight panel damage"

    • C_R_Eature

      Now that is One Angry Muffin. Wonder just what it was that set it off?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        My theory is that it heard one too many words out of Sarah's cake hole and jumped to its death.

        • C_R_Eature

          Agreed.

          Also, if Sarah talked about me I'd probably go on a rampage too.

    • Loaded_Pants

      What, no Blue Waffle-like results?

  • Antispandex

    "…and rewrite history and rewrite what it is that he has stood for all these years.”

    The sanctity of marriage?

  • Extemporanus

    Might I interest anyone in a hot Mormon muffin?

    A bit stale, perhaps, but still quite tasty…OM NOM MORMON!

  • terriblyfamous

    Does she mean "ascribe?" Is that what she means? Is she trying to say "ascribe" and fucking it up? Sweet Christ on rye, what a moron.

  • Troglodeity

    But she'll be there at the convention giving nominee Mittens a big ol' hug, of course. One tool deserves another.

  • owhatever

    Newt is going to be crucified? Will they sell tickets or at least make in pay per view?

    • jus_wonderin

      Lawn chairs are included.

  • fuflans

    that's your 8th grade reading level right there.

  • Isyaignert

    Wonkette – I 'effing luv you!! Where do you get those awesome photos for every story?

  • BZ1

    Lou Sarah! spitting out words does not make coherent thought …

  • jus_wonderin

    It's just hard work trying to remain revelant. Was she ever?

    Edit: Yes. Revelant. Cuz I am drinkin' already.

  • pdiddycornchips

    History might have something to say about an ill-advised military adventure in Iraq that essentially turned Iran into a regional superpower also, too.

    • anniegetyerfun

      One can only hope, at this point. We still live in a country of jagoffs, some of who actually believe that Iraq was involved in 9/11.

      • pdiddycornchips

        Nutters will have a hard time rewriting that history. They will definitely give it a shot though

  • rickmaci

    Look at that PICTURE. It proves it. I subscribe to the theory she is a lizard and she has gills where we think her eyes should be. And clearly she was just about to flick out her lizard tongue, damn the photog was just one snap too fast. I ascribe her fly eating weirdness to her green blood. Damn that ingles is a tough language to master (although she does speak in tongues so you would think she could learn.)

  • GOPCrusher

    I bet Sarah would be shocked to find out that there are a good many conservatives out there that think even less of her than they do Newt.

  • Steverino247

    It's Friday so here's some Zappa: The Muffin Man. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcm7uJ74XFI

  • chascates

    Another example of her verbal gymnastics, worthy of any circus aerialist:

    “They, thinking that by trotting out this old Gingrich divorce interview that’s old news — and it does feature a disgruntled ex, claiming that it would destroy his campaign — all this does, Sean, is incentivize conservatives and independents who are so sick of the politics of personal destruction because it’s played so selectively by the media, that their target, in this case Newt, he’s now going to soar even more.

    That is ONE sentence.

  • “They maybe subscribe such characterization of Newt via words like that, but they don’t subscribe those to say Mitt Romney when he or his surrogates do the same thing. That’s that typical hypocrisy stuff in the media you know I’ve lived with over a couple of decades in the political arena,” she said. “It is hypocritical of the media to subscribe to one candidate and not another, that kind of ‘angry attack muffin’ verbiage to one and not the other.”

    What the fuck am I reading?!

    • rocktonsam

      verbiage libel

  • NellCote71

    In case you had any doubt, may I remind you that one of the two major political parties in the United States deemed her a viable candidate for the second highest office in the land. Srsly?

  • Negropolis

    Palin is the personification of petty. I mean, pettiness and spite had a baby, and named it Sarah Heath.

  • Negropolis

    LOL! @ her misuse of the word "suscribe." lol

  • fitley

    What's her show on the Business News? Hillbilly Grifting with Sarah Palin?

  • lulzmonger

    Refudiate your subscriptions!

    Sarah Palin belongs in the spotlight the way a tapeworm belongs in the gut of an anorexic.

  • DahBoner

    Newt's way beyond muffin top.

    More like someone left his cake out in the rain….

  • ibwilliamsi

    "They maybe subscribe such characterization of Newt via words like that, but they don’t subscribe those to say Mitt Romney when he or his surrogates do the same thing."

    IOW, Newt and Mitt are both crappy people?

  • ttommyunger

    1. "…“trying to crucify this man…Not at all, a simple lynching would work for me. And please, never use the word "muffin" in the same sentence with Peggy Noonan again (retches uncontrollably).

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