Obama Says College Will Be Affordable Again One Day, Maybe

 
 Greetings old friends! It's your Wonkabout on Special Assignment for your Wonkette to report on Obama's college affordability speech at the University of Michigan where she just happens to be doing some learning of her own these days. So what did our dear President have to say to a crowd of hopeless college students hungover from Thirsty Thursday about why their education now costs 16 kajillion dollars?

Because of our nation’s current financial unpleasantness, the cost of a college education has skyrocketed. The American higher educational system is nice and broken as most college students now use their fancy four-year degree to work behind the counter at their local Burgers-R-Us, a job that a they could have gotten with a high school diploma. And the kids seem to be a bit upset that all the learning they did in Lady Studies has earned them negative $70,000, when, all along, they should have been learning how to subsist off biscuits and earning just $17 a day like our Chinese overlords.

But the lesson is no longer "Save your money, do not go to college." Huzzah! Obama is now going to fix education by borrowing a slogan from GMC, the car company that we gave billions to, for sucking.

Now that your Wonkabout is learning again, she's working on her summarizing and note-taking abilities. So what is Obama's sinister socialist plot to make college more affordable? Extend the tuition tax credit, double the number of work-study jobs in the next five years, steer federal campus-based aid to those colleges that keep tuition affordable, and start a Race to The Top for college affordability. Will this work? Is this a good solution? Your Wonkabout has no idea! She's learning how to improve the health of the public and, shamefully, there are no numbers in that. But sure! College students everywhere thank Obama for finally paying attention to this issue nine months before the election. You may now stop occupying everything, but, uh, continue to live in fear of Sallie Mae, at least for the time being, while we wait to see if this actually passes.

Go blue, or something like that.

THE END