Maybe Newt will join you soon!Randy “Duke” Cunningham was a fantastic Republican congressman. After a career bombing peasants in Vietnam, he came back to teach pilots at an ugly suburban theme park based on the Tom Cruise movie Top Gun, and then “Duke” became a congressman from San Diego, until his inevitable conviction for fraud and bribery and douchery and Viagra sex crimes with hookers ended his time in the House of Representatives. Since then, he has toured various prisons and is now locked up in the federal penitentiary outside Tucson, where he offered Newt Gingrich a very special endorsement.

Cunningham is in some white-collar prison where there’s lots of time to watch Fox News and fart around on the Internet, so life for “Duke” is not much different than it is for other old Republican men living alone with their rage and failure. Here’s the email Cunningham supposedly sent to his House colleague Newt Gingrich:

Newt, a voice out of the past. Down but not out and still fighting. First I do not want anything from you but have been watching the debates. I have 80% of inmates that would vote for you. They might not be able to but their extended families will.

Ha ha, sorry we can’t vote, we’re all felons. And who are the 20% in this white-collar prison for Republican crooks who will not support the Newt? Is there maybe a welfare minority in this fancy jail? [Voice of San Diego]

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  • nounverb911

    I smell voter fraud here.

    What do you think?
    Do you believe that convicted felons should be allowed to vote in public after they have completed their punishment?
    No Strong Opinion

    • WriteyWriterton

      I have a strong opinion on this subject: "None of the above!"

      Admittedly, it doesn't make any sense, but that's why I'm running for the (R) nomination for President. And because I need to get out of the house more. And sell my latest book.

    • Barb

      Let them vote while in prison, yet they have to close the toilet wine outlets while the booths are open. If I can't get hammered on election day then they shouldn't be able to either.

      • Crank_Tango

        pruno libel!

    • GOPCrusher

      Depends, are they registered Republiklans?

      80% of inmates would vote for Newt Gingrich? Going to be tough to get the Law and Order Demographic with numbers like that.

    • Nostrildamus

      Losing your right to vote while imprisoned (or afterward) creates a strong incentive for the administration to come up with creative ways of imprisoning their opposition. Witness our current drug laws.

    • James Michael Curley

      Not in public! Make them do it in private, say little 6 foot by 8 foot rooms with a peep hole in the door so they can't steal the pencil.

  • I can't even imagine how awesome the boner pill parties that Duke, Rush and Newt had. Well Newt and Rush still probably have these parties.

    • WriteyWriterton

      With each other?

      • I don't see why not. You can use a boner on a guy nowadays.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Does Sam Brownback know about this?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Is that photo what Al Franken is going to look like in twenty years?

    And is Duke Cunningham what Speaker Pelosi has been hinting at?

    Only Ole Newt knows for sure…

    • Is that photo what Al Franken is going to look like in twenty years?

      I was gonna say Bill Maher, but either way, it doesn't look pretty.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Passive-aggressive revenge is best served cold.

    With a pruno-wine sauce on a segmented aluminum tray.

    • Tundra Grifter

      An aluminum tray that turns a hot meal into a greasy pile of slop in about 45 seconds?

  • 80% of inmates? He must be at one them Whites Only prisons.

    • ph7

      He's imprisoned in Tuscon – with email access, apparently. Those with brown skin are kept in Sheriff Joe's tent city, and can only talk to the press through soup cans on a string.

  • Baconzgood

    Getting the prison bitch vote.

  • Dildo boats for everyone!

    • WriteyWriterton

      A rising tide lifts all dildo boats.

      • jus_wonderin


  • OKthennext

    That's how it always starts…"First I don't want anything from you." Next, they are your fourth wife.

    • WriteyWriterton

      But only after the third wife gets sick and should be shielded from unnecessary stress.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Sorry, Duke is already someone's "wife"

  • iburl

    Favorite recent headline "Newt Gingrich drops 6 points after Fred Thompson endorsement".
    Getting the federal inmate endorsement should have a similar effect.
    "Big Bubba says he likes your unkempt white hair, Newt."

    • Crank_Tango

      Personally, I like that dark patch he has around the bottom. that shit is interesting.

    • Did you mention Fred Thompson? I was just thinking about zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  • First I do not want anything from you

    Sounds like a typical preface to a letter written by a Republican.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Those ex-felons could probably vote in South Carolina. If they were dead.

    Oh – NEVER MIND! That story wasn't true, was it? But the good citizens will still need to show a photo ID. Alive or dead.

    • "Those ex-felons could probably vote in South Carolina. If they were dead. "

      And baptized as Mormons, also too.

      • Tundra Grifter

        FTW !

  • "I do not want anything from you"

    Except a federal pardon after you become president.

  • Radiotherapy

    And here I naively thought there wasn't anybody more thoroughly discredited or corrupt than Newt.

  • Dumbedup

    Worlds best endorsement: "most of the criminals and scumbags here think your really tops" wow.

    • Tundra Grifter


      Look at the current GNoPee slogans for Ole Newt. Either "Nobody's perfect" (now there's a stirring call to vote for a Presidential candidate!), or "At least he isn't Obama."

    • James Michael Curley

      "most of the criminals and scumbags here think your really tops" and would love you as a bottom.

  • Indiepalin

    Shoot. And Obama was shooting for a 50-50 split of the inmate vote at the very least.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I have 80% of inmates that would vote for you."

    Wow, what an endorsement!!

    • ph7

      The other 20% are either Newt's former business partners or related to his ex-wives.

    • Tundra Grifter


      They also have some exciting investment opportunities to discuss with you.

  • Lucidamente1

    Next up for Newt: a singing telegram from Tom Delay.

    • nounverb911

      "If I had a hammer
      I'd hammer in the morning
      I'd hammer in the evening
      All over this land"

    • RadioFetusEater

      Dancing With the Cons.

    • PsycWench

      Ah, you brought back a fond memory of an old Wonkette post, a clip of an apparently drunk DeLay on some interview, saying that Obama needed to show his gift certificate.

    • OKthennext

      Jack Abramoff approves this message.

  • Inmates have ingenious ways of contacting the outside world.

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Well, that's the bribery and fraudsterism vote locked up. Who will get the vaunted pedophile endorsement?

    • Lucidamente1

      Mark Foley?

    • RadioFetusEater

      Isn't Santorum a Penn State grad?

    • SorosBot

      Not to mention to hooker enthusiast vote!

      • Negropolis

        Nah. Ron Paul has already locked up the hooker/whorehouse vote.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Pope Benedict the Somethingth already locked it up. In his, you know, dungeon?

  • Sue4466

    Knew crooks were stupid, but didn't realize 80% were that dumbass.

    • GOPCrusher

      Probably 50% would vote for Newt for the Lulz.

  • BornInATrailer

    I imagine Newt in prison as a more accommodating version of Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

    • YasserArraFeck

      You'd have to be seriously desperate to consider pronging Newts flabby white arse

  • Ironic considering the GOPer love of voter caging.

    Oh right. Criminals are okay as long as they're white and vote GOPer.

    • WriteyWriterton

      These voters come pre-caged, so they're perfect.

  • UnholyMoses

    Your move, James Traficant.*

    (* The first move should be to remove that dead animal perched upon your noggin. After that, your call.)

    • Negropolis

      He just wants you to think its dead. The minute you go in to pet it, you lose a few digits.

  • MissTaken

    I'm looking forward to Duke Cunningham launching the Federal SuperMax SuperPAC

    • jus_wonderin

      How many ads can cigerettes and toilet paper buy one???

    • V572 the Merciless

      Duke's in more of a Club Fed, being as how all his violence was state-sponsored.

    • YasserArraFeck

      That would be the FudgePAC

    • fitley

      They take in a big haul of donations but its all cigarettes.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    80% would vote for Newt to do what?

    • MissTaken

      Crawl in a hole and die?

  • coolhandnuke

    If memory serves, wasn't Duke Cunningham Richies older brother on the first season of Happy Days. Then, he disappeared or had to be written out because of some transgression involving Ralph Malph, power tools, Arnolds' dishwasher, lime jello, Spiro Agnews' buttplug and that wayward girl from Welcome Back Kotter.

  • Slim_Pickins

    So that's it! Nancy has pictures of Newt and Duke "frolicking" together and the Santorum samples they left behind, and since they are Polaroids they couldn't have been photoshopped!

  • SayItWithWookies

    With a little extra effort, Newt could pull ahead in the feloniously corrupt ex-public servant primary. But he'll have to win over Tom Delay who, of course, seems to be angling for some kind of favor.

  • YouBetcha

    "PS: I'll never forget our weekend in Hilton Head. Please send carton of ciggies and some Playboys."

  • Baconzgood

    "Vote for you"= Shank you.

  • SorosBot

    Is he going to get the coveted Tom DeLay endorsement too?

  • AutomaticPilot

    Right, I'm sure a lot of friends and relatives are out there just waiting to see whom Uncle Randy in prison is going to endorse for president.

  • Newt should get a customized bumper sticker for his tour bus that says "My Other Endorser Is A.. A Person Of Real Conviction!"

  • ElPinche

    On that Top Gun note, Duke wrote this letter after getting his daily sodomy from his wingman (cellmate).

  • V572 the Merciless

    Duke's fellow aviators used to joke about the near-illiteracy they saw in his memos and such — they called it "Duke-lexia." This endorsement is suspiciously free of typos and such. Just sayin.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Probably had one of the prison pro se specialists fly-speck it for errors/

    • Negropolis

      That's cause his prison-husband wrote it for him.

  • MissTaken

    Wait, you guys don't normally consult with convicted felons in federal penitentiaries when making your voting decisions? Guess it's just me then.

    • No GOTV effort is complete without a canvas of the extended families of convicted felons.

    • Oh Miss, don't trust him! He'll just take all your money and jewelry and disappear the second day after he gets out!

      • MissTaken

        But I luuuuvvve him! And it's nice to know where he's at all times!

        • SorosBot

          You've got to get over this whole bad boy thing; he'll just break your heart!

  • Meanwhile OJ Simpson is still playing coy with his endorsement.

    • GOPCrusher

      As is Blago.

    • "If I Voted…"

    • SorosBot

      I'm voting for whoever gets Ted Kaczynski's support.

      • Whoever got Ted's support would have to go out and get bombed.

  • 80% of the inmates were Republican Congressmen?

  • paris biltong

    The cons like the con-man.

  • CarnyTrash

    "It was written in all caps, but we've changed the case for readability."

    Of course it was. Was there also "FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:" in the subject line?

  • JackObin

    So this asshole is responsible for that appalling "film" Top Gun. I guess that makes him gay also.

    • GOPCrusher

      Just the sand volleyball scene.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You would think as felons, they would support Santorum.

  • Rotundo_

    Next on Fox and Friends, Kilmeade goes deep in a report from Spiro T, Agnew federal prison: The Con Vote: A perspective on who felons would vote for if they got away with it.

  • Wadisay

    I bet Newt wishes his first name was "Randy", too.

  • NewtsChicknNeck

    80%!!! That is a fucking amazing claim. I can't think of a single demographic that he's polling that well in. Gingrich daughters perhaps?

  • OneYieldRegular

    So basically it looks like Newt has the inmate vote locked up.

    Thanks! I'll be here all week!

  • arihaya

    "Hey Newt, wanna say that we're looking forward to have you here soon."

    Duke Cunningham

  • chascates

    Take away that computer and back to making the license plates, you scum!

  • Tundra Grifter

    So who was in the Big House longer, Duke Cunningham or Jack'emUp N. Rip'EmOff?

    Meanwhile, does Speaker Pelosi's November surprise have anything to do with lobbyists? I sure hope so!

  • Guppy

    Any chance of him getting moved from Club Fed to Joe Arpaio's Happy Funtime Camp? Or is he too rich/white?

    • DahBoner

      Glen Campbell got out of it on his DUI sentence, because he sang a love song to Joe!

  • rickmaci

    OK. Now we know. The Rethug Crazy Train is moving at full steam; you can get on but you can never get off. If this primary was a movie script it would get rejected for being totally crazed and unbelievable.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Remember the days Cunningham and his other buddy Bob Dornan used to make insane speeches on C-Span after hours? Ah, the 90s.

  • Redhead

    "Duke" and "prison" just look so good in a sentence together.

  • " I have 80% of inmates that would vote for you."

    This endorsement by Duke and his pals should easily put Newt in the White House!

    I'm sure they would be willing to vote early and often.

  • ttommyunger

    Thanks for reminding me of this big, dumb blubbering cunt.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, this guy's son is almost as bad as he is.

  • That 80% of inmates in prison would vote for Newt says a lot… none of it good.

  • Wait a second – why does a supposed prisoner have access to e-mail? I don't recall that being one of the standard "privileges" available when you're incarcerated.

  • DahBoner

    Gingrich: "I will go all the way to Republican convention"

    Newt says he will "go all the way?

    This is news, how and why????

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