nice goblets

Mark Oxner, a Republican running for Congress in Florida’s brand new 27th district, which will include parts of Orlando, just released this ad, which he promises to be the first of many. It depicts President Obama as a pirate who enslaves children to row his ship to its demise over a waterfall. Former Florida Representative and generally not-to-be-out-sassed Democrat Alan Grayson, who’s running again this year after losing his seat in 2010, plays the role of Obama’s parrot. “I just love this ship,” says some delusional Obama supporter as the boat makes its way to the edge of life and Oxner’s brilliant videographer Vernon Furniss fades out the sinister circus music and fades in some hotel lounge piano jazz, just because. THERE IS EVEN A WE-SLEEP-IN-SEPARATE-BATHTUBS CIALIS AD REFERENCE.

Weird little Obama balloons that look like Easter eggs floating in space hover around the U.S.S. Obamaboat (CLEVER) while people aboard the party cruise marvel at all the perks Obama’s given them, like “free health care for life.” Then cut to the miserable rowing children, whom Oxner depicts as being saddled with the debt from all the wonderful perks of Obamacare. Vernon Furniss certainly learned from the best (the Taiwanese). Too bad this isn’t as fun as any of the things that come out of Alan Grayson’s mouth, ever, in ads or otherwise. [Slate]

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  • chascates


  • Barb

    The bathtubs remind me of those commercials that Romney makes for Cialis for daily use.

    • MrFizzy

      Yeah, except he's in the tub in his clothes, reading the mormon bible with his woodie on.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Having worked for Lilly, I can tell you the trademark minders will not be amused. Even though management are mainly GOP douchebags and the ads are fucking ridiculous.

  • nounverb911

    "pirate who enslaves children to row his ship"
    I loved that ride at Disneyworld.

    • Worst. Veggie-Tales. Ever.

    • Barb

      I love Disneyworld! I prefer the "Walt Won't Let Any Employees Have a Mustache Ride" myself. Makes me tingle in my naughties just to think about it.

    • MissTaken

      Much more fun than the "Teabag Cups". Those always left a funny taste in my mouth afterwards.

      • nounverb911

        That's Callista's second favorite ride.

      • SorosBot

        OK now I can't stop laughing again.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The best part of Disneyworld is the little "American suburb" theme park, where actual Republican Americans live, and simulate the White Republican American lifestyle in convincing and realistic detail. It's so realistic, you expect Ozzie and Harriet to step around the corner at any moment!

  • I remember when Reagan enslaved us with the same Debt-to-GDP ratio.
    And New Coke.

    • DahBoner

      "New Coke"

      Well, Oliver North added baking soda to Old Coke and made crack…

  • Why is Ann Coulter bathing next to Anderson Cooper?

    And why are they wearing clothes?

    • Because her horrifying nakedness turned him gay.

    • nounverb911

      Which one takes the Cialis?

      • MissTaken

        The one with the Adam's Apple.

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Oooh. What a dig on Anderson.

    • MrFizzy

      Because he's gay and she's frigid.

  • Utopia or oxycontin fueled vision? You be the judge!

    Seriously, I want to be on this mythical magic party cruise with Barry.

  • Wilcoxyz

    The middle class passage?

    • Crank_Tango

      Too soon!

  • edgydrifter

    Fucking LARPers.

  • Watched the ad.

    Why does he make Obama out to be a Republican? Is he angling for an endorsement?

  • Baconzgood

    This isn't about Australia.

    • chascates

      Uh, British prisoner were sent (like slaves) to Australia. Where they brutalized the natives. Close enough?

      • One of Lord Arthur's first lifts of prisoners were Yanque invaders he caught in Canucklandia trying to start with the rebellion.

      • Loaded_Pants

        I have a confession. Outside of the UK & US, the most number of people that share my surname live in Australia. Which means we probably share ancestry made up of mostly criminals. Draw your own conclusions.
        Personally, I'd like to think they just forgot to pay taxes to the Crown for a couple of years.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          No fun there. Why not think that they were pirates!

  • YouBetcha

    It's amazing the stuff that passes for wank fodder when you're a conservative.

  • jakegittes

    What kind of wild animal makes its home on Oxner's head?

    • Biff

      I'm reminded of the Oxendine videos, with walkons by an ox and a gerbil.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Will the GOP get there metaphors right. Obama is like a Muslim Terrorist, plowing the plane of socialism into the Twin Towers of Capitalism.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Then cut to the miserable rowing children, whom Oxner depicts as being saddled with the debt from all the wonderful perks of Obamacare.

    But at least they are healthy children.

    • PsycWench

      They're miserable because they wanted the janitor duty that Mister Gingrich promised them.

    • Well sure, all that rowing keeps them fit.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Beat me to it. Not having Michelle cracking the whip on 'em, and forcing them to eat their broccoli and water rations, was a major oversight.

  • Indiepalin

    Shiver me timbers!

  • SorosBot

    I think those kids could have made better Flash animations that that.

    • chascates

      The Taiwanese will no doubt have something out shortly.

  • fartknocker

    He's another Parrothead. He should have a nice rum drink, take some Cialis and hope he can last 4 minutes in bed with his life partner. I'm sure Rick Scott is his hero.

  • See?

    When our kids finally stop going to those fancy lieberal universities, they'll be able to appreciate the fine qualities of ads like this.

  • So we're supposed to hate the well-coiffed patrician dude whose bank was bailed out, but we're supposed to chuckle at the mocking references to Guy Fawkes masks and caring about "the 99%?" I haz a confuse.

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, it is better than Oxner's first ad, which accuses Obama of being niggardly with the truth.

  • MzNicky

    Wait — oceans have waterfalls? Or — pirate ships sail on lakes and rivers? Who knew!

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe he's one of those Flat-Earther Republiklans and the waterfall represents sailing off the end of the Earth?

      • MzNicky

        That would explain it.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I think I spotted the outline of a ginormous elephant behind the falls. Symbol of the GOP, I guess.

    • OhNoGuy

      "Not intended to be a factual statement".

      Print that in big letters after all GOP commercials, press releases and sound bites.

  • DaRooster

    Tweaky, man…

  • An_Outhouse

    Well at least he didn't say that Obama was just like Hitler.

    • Crank_Tango

      you know who else was just like Hitler…

  • MrFizzy

    Did I miss something? Weren't the negroes below deck on slave ships?

    • DahBoner

      No, the hot negro chicks got to ride on the Captain's lap…

  • JackObin

    I liken Florida to an overrated Guatemala.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      All of the mosquitoes, none of the charm.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, one of them is a malaria-infested, gang-filled, failed banana republic…and the other is Guatemala.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Mr. Oxner must be from the Alabama/Meth-y interior of Florida.

  • PhilippePetain

    I just keep getting the feeling that the Republican mind is like one of those Korean 3D political shorts, but with more mushrooms. The way they see the world, humor, facts, EVERYTHING is just so out of alignment with anything sensible I just can't believe it sometimes.

  • Rotundo_

    Yet another genius level Floriduh! politician who has delusions of talent and creativity and intelligence. The crab lice of politics.

  • hilbillyheroine

    Those kids are part of Newt's new pilot program to teach poor kids to have a work ethic.

  • anniegetyerfun

    You know what? Fuck my dream about being an extra in a Bollywood movie. I want to star in a Floridian political ad!

    • finallyhappy

      really- when I was 28(30 years ago), I could have been in an Indian movie- they would recruit young tourists from the Salvation Army hostel. however after a day at that hostel and my "roommate" who was eating opium- I left for YMCa- where no one came to find foreigners for movies.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Are you saying the Village People had it wrong about the YMCA? Because that's the first place I was going to go to find the cast of my Broadway musical.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I'm not saying that Mark Oxner is a pedophile or anything, but I also haven't seen a pedophile who doesn't look exactly like Mike Oxner either.

  • paris biltong

    This old canard about burdening our children with debt has been around forever, it seems, or at least since the sixties. They can always default, or print money, which amounts to roughly the same things. Fucking protestant ethics.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And it's not as if they won't have children of their own to enslave to debt forever. (It's only the people who are still around at Rapture/Apocalypse time who get stuck with the check.)

  • SayItWithWookies

    A three-masted sailing ship with a deck of oars? That's teabagger historical accuracy for you.

    • Biff

      At least it didn't have funnels or smokestacks.

    • Negropolis

      I'm laughing so hard now that you brought that to my attention! lol! Eveyrone needs to see this.

  • WiscDad

    If you can't baffle 'em with bullshit…blind them with some other bullshit

  • dadanarchist

    Still better than "The Undefeated."

  • SenileAgitation

    Mark Oxner is gay, gay gay, from his fruity hair piece to his southern lisp. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hell, he can retire to New York and get married.

  • CapnFatback

    Needz moar fetus burgers.

  • DahBoner

    It's the old "Black People Are Turning Us Into Slaves" meme.

    Been around since the Civil Rights act was passed, repeated by Stupid, Old White people who never picked cotton a day in their lives…

  • lochnessmonster

    I think the kids in our high school television production clas could do a better job!

    • snackypants

      I think this ad was made by people in the porn industry on their days off.

  • bikerlaureate

    Free health care for life! That's exactly correct! You can tell who's on the side of the angels because they never have to exaggerate or lie to make their case.

  • Needz moar Keira Knightley.

    • GregComlish

      Don't we all

  • djneedlz

    I think Mark Oxner is a graduate of Marcus' fags-to-riches program. The Santorum is strong in this one.

  • Guppy

    "row his ship to its demise over a waterfall"

    Republicans are flat-earthers? Whoda thunk?

  • mormos

    funny, i don't remember dropping any acid…

  • BarackMyWorld

    Worst. Spongue Bob. Ever.

    • 40 or 50 % McShineys

      Spunge Bag Square Ponce

  • OKthennext

    What do you suppose the fine print means by "immediate constitutional relief". Hmmm?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's an ad for Ex-Lax, not Cialis?

    • Guppy

      Second Amendment remedies!

  • Nostrildamus

    I think Barry would look awesome in pirate regalia.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm pretty sure that's exactly how GOPtard millionaires see him.

    • SorosBot

      Oh how we forget the classics; here you go…

      Granted, he'd probably look a little different now that he's no longer like five or six.

  • DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

    What an Amis-Tard

  • Naked_Bunny

    Ground-up Republican is better than LSD.

  • Sassomatic

    What? No welfare queens? Lame.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Sieg Heil, y'all.

  • Beowoof

    Stupid should hurt.

  • valgal2342

    I love Alan Grayson but have to admit the parrot thing is kind of funny. Maybe Alan will get the last squawk soon.

  • ttommyunger

    With ads like this, a face like his and a name like Oxner; if this over-ripe turd wins I'll never set foot in Florida again.

  • Negropolis

    Silly. Child labor is the Republican's thing.

  • Negropolis

    Somali pirate libel!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Truth be told, it's the creepiest place in America … and I know that's saying a lot.

  • Dumbedup

    Who is that meatpie candidate? Where do they find these people? He is among the most unattractive people Ive ever seen run for public office.

  • BZ1

    Oxner deserves to get gored…

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