Here’s a wacky fun-time ritual thing the Mormons do that you may or may not have heard about: they love to baptize dead people and thus declare them members of their magic moon faith, mostly so that the Mormons can claim a 7 billion person membership similar to the way that those McDonald’s signs claim “50 billion anusburgers served since 1940″ to reassure you that it’s, like, really popular. This has, throughout history, not always pleased the relatives of the dead people who were baptized — say for instance, the relatives of Jewish Holocaust victims who found their family members’ names among those who had been posthumously converted to Mormonism. And so hey, know where there are lots of Jewish people these days? Florida. What’s happening in Florida next week? A Republican presidential primary. Who’s leading the polls in that primary right now? A Mormon. Has Mormon Mitt Romney been secretly baptizing Holocaust victims in his spare time?
He won’t say! He will only say that he doesn’t cheat and follows all the weird rules of his religion, and then he admits to baptizing some dead people in his youth the way that most other politicians would admit to smoking a little weed in college.
From HuffPo:
In 2007, when Romney made his first run for the Republican nomination, NECN in Hartford, Conn., asked him about baptizing the dead. He said he is “not a cafeteria Mormon” and adheres to all tenets of his faith. But Romney, a former bishop and top church official in Boston, referred specific questions to religious leaders.
When Newsweek magazine asked Romney if he personally had performed posthumous baptisms on anyone, author Jonathan Darman wrote, “he looked slightly startled and answered, ‘I have in my life, but I haven’t recently.’ The awareness of how odd this will sound to many Americans is what makes Romney hesitant to elaborate on the Mormon question.”
YES, IT DOES SOUND ODD. Hopefully the Jewish voters of Florida will not mind!?
Your Wonkette editors must now set to wondering: WHO ELSE DID MITT ROMNEY SECRET BAPTIZE, in our super secret Wonkette chat room.
Ken L.: “Any Mormon may baptize any person posthumously. Church members have performed the ritual on Buddha, Catholic popes, 9/11 hijackers, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Elvis Presley, President Obama’s mother and even reportedly Jesus Christ.”
Kirsten J.: it’s pretty awesome
Ken L.: … the ritual has also probably been performed on Hitler, the seven dwarves, Kurt Cobain, and teevee’s Gary Coleman.
Kirsten J.: oh damn, he doesnt admit to baptizing people specifically in the video
Ken L.: GUILTY
Ken L.: “Watch Romney weasel out of admitting he did Mormon Death Rituals on murdered Holocaust victims”
Ken L.: i love mormonism so much. it is my favorite frontier religion by far.
Kirsten J.: also: thomas jefferson, david koresh, queen elizabeth and bilbo baggins.
Ken L.: hahahahahah
Kirsten J.: god im just going to post this chat.
Ken L.: might as well. i’m using “seer stones” to type my part.
Now watch the video of Mitt Romney refusing to admit working his moon magic on the zombies!
{ 338 comments }
Hey Mitt! What planet did you send my grandmother to?
I hope it wasn't the terrible Planet of the Apes… wait a minute. Statue of Liberty… THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
Uranus.
Kolob… I mean Kobol… I mean the 12 Colonies…. oh, fuckit, never mind.
All of this fucking pointless stupidity has happened before. All of this fucking pointless stupidity will happen again.
Sounds good … you should start a religion based on that.
Alderraan.
All of them, Kati…I can't do it; I just can't do it.
If Mitt tried to convert either of my grandmothers away from Catholicism, they're going to spend eternity making him wish he hadn't. Go grannies!
Eh, whatever. They want to hang with Aunt Ethel, they can hang with aunt Ethel.
So the 'pre-born' are to be protected at any cost (including the mother's life) but once someone's dead they're fresh meat for your soul collecting club?
See spirit babies. Weird as fuck.
No shit. There's no logic to any of this babble, either. Fuck me, religion is just the pathetic gibberings of a terrified ape trying to deal with a newly awakened consciousness.
And then! The ape finds golden tablets in his hat! And then, he, um… Gets to marry as many girl apes as he likes, and he gets a planet after he dies!
And hey, what about the other sentient animals, like well, the other apes, along with elephants, dolphins and possibly some octopuses? Why don't the Mormons try and convert them?
Suddenly, they are all crushed by a sperm whale and bowl of petunias that fell from the ionosphere.
That's a pretty good summing up of Mormonism, Gleem, I mean, McShineys.
Monolith or GTFO.
That's the best part. Joseph Smith gets caught screwing around with a young girl and tells his wife that God told him that polygamy is the way to go, but Smith forgot to tell anyone up to that point.
Beyond weird. Batshit crazy is too tame. Absolutely fucking batshit crazy may come close.
wow, they (and Willard) srsly believe all this insane BS? I mean I KNEW ol JOe Smith was a con an of the highest order but had no idea he sold all these Dullards on such planetary fairy tales…maybe the Moron Gawd is on that same planet Superman came from (oh wait that one blew up, damn!) There is NO FUCKING WAY anyone should EVER even consider voting for an idiot who 'believes' in this crap…the bodies of his many wives indeed
The Mormon God is quite a bit different from the God revealed in the Bible. The Mormon god was once just a man, like all human beings, and lived at one time on another planet just like the earth. This particular man was faithful to the teachings of the god that organized his planet, which were revealed to him and the other people on that planet. When this man died, he was resurrected and then exalted to the place of a god as a result of the works that he personally did in relation to the teachings of the god of his world. As a god, this exalted man was given a planet of his own which he inhabits today with his many wives, since the Mormon religion is based on the practice of polygamy by its gods. In fact, it is absolutely necessary that a Mormon god have many wives.
Since the Mormon god is an exalted man, he has a physical body just like human beings, but it is a celestial body, having been transformed into a refined substance that cannot be seen or detected by normal human beings. The bodies of his many wives have been transformed into the same substance.
Wow….. just … well fucking wow.
I guess you can go proselytizing with the fairy tale you want not with the fairy tail you have…
L. Ron, Joe, & Elijah Muhammad must have drunk from the same astral Flavorade.
Better than the soul-*sucking* club, I have to admit, which was the Catholic church I grew up in.
Mitt, don't you even dare try this shit on my beloved grandmother. She's a stone cold Southern Baptist who will have no compunction about rising up out of the grave and kicking you square in the nads.
As a child, I personally witnessed my mother go after a proselytizing JW. My mom (A Baptist with a bad headache) chased the woman out of the yard with a steel garden rake. That was the last time they ever came to our house.
Do proselytizers leave little marks on the edge of your property, like the old hobos did? (Mean dog lives here. . . that sort of thing?)
My ex mother-in-law (Irish Catholic of the best/worst sort) would trade their paperwork for a handful of Catholic pamplets she collected from her church. "Thank you. Here, have some of mine." That pretty much ended the conversation.
HAHA!
I think we have the same grandmother.
Between you and elviously, I guess my grandmother LP had two other secret families she never told us about.
My Papist grannies will be right there with her.
Mitt only baptizes corporations.
Hopefully after they are dead.
Well his father probably baptized American Motors before it died; maybe Mittens baptized Eastern Airlines.
By putting them under water?
FTW.
I LOLed so loud, I scared the cat.
*Now.*
Thats the way they roll !
With ties, on bicycles!
It warms my heart to know that on some Mormon planet out there Hitler and Jesus are just chilling with Gary Coleman.
Did they posthumously convert Jesus to Mormonism?
He's in the list Ken mentions!
Well they do like to baptize dead Jews…..
It's in the name of their
churchcult!Whachoo talkin bout, mormon hitler?
Oh damn, I snarted so hard I think I produced an epidural hematoma.
According to the shot rules of every medical drama since 1970 – DRINK!! (Subdural hematoma is 2 shots!)
Win of the day!
And Shakespeare and Elvis are collaborating together.
At least most of the Golden Girls are back together.
THEY BETTER NOT TRY TO TAKE BETTY WHITE!1!!11
The Mormons have sent 3/4 of the cast to the planet Lanai.
And half the Beatles have reunited.
Fuck, they got George? He was always my favorite.
I had the weirdest hot dream about Bette While last night. For reals. I was totally fucking weird but I have been chuckling about it all day.
That's totally acceptable. You know she not only knows, but has done, some freaky shit in bed. She's my hero.
Bette White approves of this dream.
I might just have a crush on you, after reading this.
Super secret wonkette chat room? Better hope Brightbutt at bigwankers.com doesn't get hold of that transcript!
It has been scientifically proven that Mormons are weird. You can look it up.
But you know you don't have to.
The first sign? That they call zit faced 17 yr old boys "elders".
This baptizing after death thing…it sounds like that game we used to play as toddlers.
"I got dibs on Jesus! Buddha! The Jews!"
Graphic WIN of the month! Mitt as the Tidy Bowl Man for American Standard, our very own Charon flushing souls down his river Stynx.
Don't forget to put a Kruggerrand under your tongue, or he'll think you unworthy.
Talk about a waste of time, like debating the amount of angels that could fit on the head of a pin. The Flying Spaghetti Monster laughs at your childish ideas!
Just wait till Cthulhu wakes up. He's just sleeping you know.
O R'lyeh?
Win.
For some reason, that has had me giggling for a couple of minutes now.
I am Jewish and I am converting all of my dead relatives to our version of Pastafarianism- Lokshinism
What happens in the case of dueling zombie baptisms? Is it first come, first served? Or does the last one get the last Word? (cue Yakkity-Yak track.)
Mittens raided graves before he moved onto corporations.
To be fair, they haven't actually baptized bones in quite some time. But it used to be doctrine, so some of the fundy offshoots probably still adhere to it, like polygamy/polyandry, etc.
Polyandry is permitted in the Mormon cult? That's news to me. When did that happen. All I've ever read about Mormons tends to indicate that females in their opinion have no existence other than as vessels for their deity.
You are correct, refer to: cum dumpsterism.
Moroni libel!
My favorite is that the dead have the option to "opt out" of the baptism. Not sure how they do that, exactly, but they have the option.
I'm sure they use the same method the voting zombies in SC use.
Way too soon!
I bet $10,000 that every single one of their dead baptizees chose to opt out.
Prove me wrong, mor(m)ons!
According to doctrine, dead people have free agency.
Biff is right. In Mormonism the dead accumulate in a spiritual world known as Prison. In Prison you can choose to accept any redemption offered to you by the Mormons. But you still need God's direct approval if you want an upgraded afterlife. And if you're female your redemption will also be limited by your husband: you can't make it to the highest level of afterlife unless your husband gets there himself and then voluntarily decides to let you in. Ladies should keep this in mind before hassling their Mormon husband before he's finished dinner.
AfterLife™ 3.0 upgrade <a href="http://www.cnet.com/mormonchuch/wesavetheded.html” target=”_blank”>www.cnet.com/mormonchuch/wesavetheded.html
They talk through Pat Robertson
's ass.Silly, they just click the link at the bottom of the email!
I'm pretty sure my Mormon daughter has had me baptized into Mormon Heaven, but I can't complain. It's prolly the only way I'll ever get into anybody's Heaven.
You might want to get that in writing, just to be safe.
You can c'mon over to MY heaven anytime. Baptism not needed, everybody with a kind heart is welcome, pets a bonus.
Screw these fucking cults and their mor(m)onic bullshit.
‘I have in my life, but I haven’t recently.’
Mitts' time is too filled with urinating on living souls.
As opposed to having done it, but not in his life? WTF?
Of course he hasn't recently. That's a job for young members. They go to a temple and don a white bunny suit and get dunked as a proxy for the dead person. It's like scouting, I'm sure there's a ribbon or merit badge for it.
I believe that's what's known as "Trickle-Down" Baptism.
I swear it sounds to me like how any sane candidate addresses drug use these days. Only, he was a bishop, so that's sort of like a crack dealer saying that since he hasn't smoked rock in years that means he has no involvement in the drug trade.
Exactly. I actually have Mormon friends. I'm not terribly close with them, and I don't think they're terribly observant. But I;m pretty sure they're just ordinary low-ranking members of their cult and fine people apart from that weird thing with no drugs or alcohol (fucking weirdos).
But Bishop Willard is an entirely different kettle of fish. He has been involved with his cult all his life and holds high rank. He can't pretend not to know that this disgusting repulsive baptism of dead of the FUCKING Holocaust, fer the love of mike, is deeply insulting to Jews. Deeply. I'm disgusted with his bullshit. He needs to go.
I didn't inhale.
Corpses stink.
Needz moar porn-again religiosity if you're going to get those zombies to dancin'.
Would he even have a clear, comfortable, non-evasive answer if asked the current day of the week?! Mormon Jesus Christ!!
To be fair, he has to quickly translate our language to Mormonese, formulate the answer, translate it back to Earthling, then vocally process it.
I have never met Mitt, but I fear he emits the acrid odor of our '60's Philco on Saturday night.
SIRI / MITTBOTT 2012
I heard that, buddy.
Our '60s b&w TV used to make snapping noises when it was on its last leg.
I'm guessing it would be " Well, assuming we are here in Florida, at this current hour, it is Thursday. But if we were across the date line, it would be a different day." Or some such bullshit, accompanied by knowing smirk.
Did they go even further back and baptize Lucy the Australopithecus too? Hmm but that would require accepting the reality of evolution.
Well she is in the sky with diamonds. Oops, I mean in the sand with footprints.
Lucy: "But there were only one set of footsteps."
Jesus: "Yes, Lucy, I was carrying you…because you take to fucking long shambling along with all that knuckle dragging. Oh, me!!!"
I don't think the LDS is as anti-evolution as, say, hardcore baptists. Maybe it is because all the mammoth skeletons and dinosaur bones they find in Utah. But for whatever reason they've tried to straddle the issue for 100 years, saying God made man, but no one knows how for sure (which is another reason for evangelicals to hate Romney).
They actually approve of education, because how else do you take over the world(s)…
If they're tying to baptize everybody, ever, it would be a hell of a lot easier if the earth was only 6,000 years old.
If it were me, I would just baptize John the Baptist. That way, everyone baptized since about 10 AD would be automatically converted to Mormonism. Kind of like how whatever you do to the head vampire affects all the other vampires. I think it probably works the same way. Work smarter not harder, my friends.
Very efficient of you! Dunk St Peter, too, just to be double dog sure.
That's brilliant!!! Zonks… I suddenly have an urge to let my husband marry a few more wives (at least one's that will clean this shit-hole and do the laundry (including his tighty-whiteys…talking about shit-holes).
I do hear they get a toaster for every 25 they baptize.
Ya know, with the past post on Zombie voters and this on kidnapped dead people being retroactively spirited to Mormoney planets…I haz an idea we have slipped into the necro-zone.
Oh oh oh, so it's like selling girl scout cookies? I always thought that tiered system was such a son of a bitch. One year I came 2 boxes short of my goal, so instead of a sony CD walkman I won a travel mug. I'd bet Mittens has won at LEAST three iPod shuffles by now.
Sorry, we don't serve necros.
Dahmer/Gacy (R) for Posthumous Baptism 2012 !
Yeah, they can do weird shit like this, but drinking a Mountain Dew is forbidden?
To tell the truth, Mountain Dew is pretty weird stuff, so I cut them some slack here.
Declining a perfectly made espresso, on the other hand, is just perverse.
I agree- Mountain Dew is gross
Mountain Dew Baja Blast from Taco Bell is the best thing ever!
See, I'm confused by this. I grew up hearing all caffeine is verboten, but now Coke is okay? So where does Doing the Dew fit on this scale?
It wasn't the caffeine, it was "hot drinks". I heard some Mormon bought a Coca-Cola distributorship and by some mumbo-jumbo the Prophet heard from god himself, voila, Coke is OK now?
Wait, you have it backwards. Mountain Dew is what they ARE allowed to drink. Coffee and tea are forbidden. I have a friend who teaches at a Utah Uni, and is amused by all the Mountain Dew consumption. Because, you know, it's not the caffeine that's forbidden. No side show hustler in a canestoga wagon buying native american children is going to know jack shit about chemistry.
I dated a Mormon chick once and got a chance to look at her Scriptures, and it clearly says that HOT drinks are forbidden (because hot liquids are for the outside of your body, not the inside, said JHVH according to Joseph Smith), so, what, iced coffee should be okay?
That is very good news for Starbucks. There's lots more prophet in those frappucinos.
Wait, so if I meet a Mormon, I can take them out for "motherfuckin' iced tea?" For reals?
Shut your mouth, son of Ham!
The most disturbing thing about this practice is the unsightly ring dead people tend to leave around the inside of the baptismal font.
Sometimes you have to leave them soaking all night in the baptismal jacuzzi first, until they're softened up enough to bend them.
"I have in my life, but I haven't recently, and never more than, what, 15% of dead people? Not even that many. No, probably closer to 13.9%."
"Which when you consider the baptisms I have done on living people, ends up being about 45-50%."
Thanks for the baptism Mitt, that felt sooooo good. Anyone got a cigarette?
I am going to be SUPER PISSED if I ever end up in Mormon heaven. I mean, way more pissed than that time when two seperate Jehova's Witnesses came to my house in one day.
I understand you get your own planet, plus the wives you had on earth, forever. Showing up without having planned for it could definitely be a bummer.
The downside is that every single one of 'em has become a Mary Kay rep.
I'm picturing Gingrich trying to enjoy his "open marriage" on Planet Newt. Awkward.
OFMG! it JUST dawned on me….
Newt is a closet Mormon,
Dumbasses. They could get a 30 million jump in their membership if they just baptized the Slavs that Hitler slaughtered in WW2. No one even cares or mentions them.
Plus the 20 million that Pol Pot got.
Slavs? Cambodians? Trying to pronounce those 50 million names right will stop them dead. So to speak.
It's only around 2 million for Pol Pot. But he does win the title of most deadly genocidal dictator on a per capita basis since Cambodia only had a population of roughly 7 million or so to start with.
Do your worst, Romneybot. I just baptized all yer ancestry back to Lucy as Wiccan. So there.
Kids Ask The Darndest Things:
"Mommy, why is the water in the Baptism bowl blue?"
this will definitely help Romney with a decisive demographic in Florida: the geriatric Jewish retirees, many of whom are Holocaust survivors
So, if you posthumously baptize someone who was cremated, do you just wrap the urn in the magic underwear?
Maybe you just dissolve the ashes?
ZipLoc Sandwich bags.
This reminds me of one of the stranger tenets of the Catholic faith: you shouldn't get cremated because, after the Second Coming, if you were deserving and in heaven your body will be resurrected and rejoined with your spirit, but if it was reduced to ashes and scattered that might be impossible.
That's something I've never understood: why do we need our bodies when in heaven, but only after the Second Coming happens? If you've been dead and buried for, well possibly up to 2000 years nowadays, wouldn't that body be pretty funky?
It does seem like the authors of that doctrine never heard of decomposition. Actually the early Christians probably never thought of the possibility because they all thought that Jesus was coming back any day now; within their lifetimes; he's been disappointing his followers for two millenia.
But considering the earliest Gospels, at least those that made it into the Canon, weren't even written until 70 AD or so, nearly 40 years after Zombie Jeebus died, woke up, walked around and got poked at a bit, and then floated on home to daddy. I'm sure many followers were long dead by the time people started writing down the story. Didn't people start to wonder, "Hey, what about Jim Bob who died 20 years ago? Does he get to hang with us, too? Cause that dude was awesome. Dang, I miss Jim Bob."
To be fair, He has been having a hell of a time finding His socks.
I'm pretty sure Jeebus is supposed to reverse the corruption of the grave, and bring your molecules back together from wherever they've gotten to while you were waiting. It can't be much more of a challenge to put cremated people back together.
There's bound to be a lot of atoms that got re-used in different people, so the book-keeping is kinda complicated, but God's Excel spreadsheet has infinite rows and colums. (Steve just got Him to switch to the Mac, and He's crunching numbers at an insanely great rate.)
..The people sipped their wine
And what with God there, they asked him questions
Like: do you have to eat
Or get your hair cut in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySWbad58b9k
Yes…and whatever you do DON'T leave the urn near Keith Richards.
No shit–I hear he travels with his own spoon and straw!
So much stupid… is anyone else feeling an overwhelming urge to beat someone within an inch of their life with a cast iron horse hitch for being stupid?
"To prevent duplication the Church keeps a record of the deceased persons who have been baptized."
Yeah, because if someone is baptized twice, the ceremony has the opposite effect and the person goes straight to hell. Or has to go to the Mormon church to straighten things out. But I repeat myself.
Drives up the real estate costs, all those duplicate planets with nobody on 'em.
‘I have in my life, but I haven’t recently.’
Mitt didn't inhale their baptized souls.
And what's with the 'former Bishop' part? Was he de-underweared? Wiki says he was a 'ward bishop' which I suppose is like the old ward boss in voting precincts but I would have thought the money he donates to his church would have made him a Bishop 1st Class, if not Lt. Pope!
Gad. Baptism. OK, it's bad, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to the fact that until his thirties, Romney was a full member of, financially supported, and recruited for an organization that declared as a matter of principle that blacks were inferior. The fact that they then added "oh, yeah, we believe it because God told us so", doesn't make it any less horrifying. If anything, it makes it worse.
It really is amazing what kind of behavior you can get away with if there are enough of you and you make sure that you always say "and that's what God told me".
One of the things I do like about Mormons, though, is that their Holy Scripture can be revised at any moment if the Church President goes up the mountain and comes down saying, for example, "News flash, folks, JHVH says that blacks have souls after all! Who knew?"
One gets the impression that the Church President retreated to the mountaintop with a Motown Greatest Hits Compilation. "Jesus revealed to me that Blacks have more Soul than they know what to do with!!"
Too much inconsistency and flexibility makes a religion feel fake and cynical, and that's what I don't like about the religion. Using your example, the president could just as easily come back down the mountain, tomorrow, and say "pysche! Black people really are cursed."
The LDS website makes it seem like they're a veritable melting pot, worthy of 1970s Sesame Street.
Stock photos from the "diversity" category?
Mitt Romney hasn't been baptized for the dead (Holocaust victims) recently because that ritual is performed with Mormon teenagers as proxies for the dead. After Mormon men turn 19, they can get their "endowments" (when they start with the magic underwear). Then their temple work acting as proxy for dead people is in the Mormon endowment and marriage ceremonies, which are for adults. People focus on the baptisms for the dead, but the dead are also married. Deceased people can be married to a living married Mormon, and living Mormons can be married to dead people. Married Mormon men, dead or alive, can be married to any number of living or dead women. I stopped going to the temple when I was 18, so I did baptisms but no endowments or marriages. I'm not sure how they pair people up, but I know that if people were 'living in sin' before they died, they usually get married to each other. For example, the Mormon church baptized Hitler and Eva Braun and then married them to each other. That really happened. Adults did that. In the 20th century.
We have to fight back and baptize all the dead they have done under the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Anyone have the list, and a couple thousand gallons of marinara?
I'll grab the grated parmesan!
Ooooh and Garlic Bread???
I have had a revelation from FSM-tafari: it is possible to use wildcards to perform proxy baptisms. So you can baptize everyone matching Mc* or Van* or *stein all at once. Or you can go Full Wildcard, and baptize everyone matching " *."
FSM-tafari also said unto me that baptism no longer requires external exposure to holy water. Internal exposure is fine, and Scotch can be substituted for water.
Praise be unto FSM and all his followers *.* .
Dammit! I have forgotten my DOS command line options.
Aren't heaven and hell like any other voodoo, wherein it only works if you believe in it? This will allow me to sleep tonight without fear of spending eternity with dead Osmonds.
Upfisted, but I'd probably spend a little time with Marie, if it wasn't for her using her uterus as a clown car, and all.
The dead are people too, my friends.
So, in other words, the dead are now Morons.
No, MORMONS, the alive's are Morons. JEEZE.
Any Mormon may baptize any person posthumously. Church members have performed the ritual on Buddha, Catholic popes, 9/11 hijackers,
So, the Mormon church is responsible for 9/11?
MORMONS DID 9/11
No, just for helping legitimize it under god, they were actually getting their virgins when god stepped in and said, hey, you've just been mormonized, so, you know, sorry, no go on virgins. They've actually been protesting the 1% who weren't mormonized and been occupying "cross street" since.
See, Mitt's charitable giving goes to a tremendously worthwhile and necessary cause — it's not like the federal government's gonna spend time baptizing your dead relatives so they don't end up in hell, is it?
Now they are gods who own their own planets! Yay!
And each gets 72 golden raisins!
But there's a number of people they baptized who were already gods – it includes Jesus, Alexander the Great, Imhotep, Julius Caesar, and other gods as well.
Here's the rub: In order to be awarded your own planet, you have to be deemed temple-worthy, and to be deemed temple-worthy, you have to have paid your tithes like for a really long time. Trust me, they keep track of financial transactions, no cheating! So the baptized dead people don't get their own planet, and at best, I think they'd be doomed to purgatory forever until they get all caught up. Good luck with that, dead people!
Umm … so who does all this deeming? Because it seems pretty unfair to the deemees, what with the zombie economy being in the dumps, and them not being able to vote (unless they're Chicago Democrats or South Carolina Republicans, or retired pharaohs.)
I think the idea behind this whole scheme is that if they manage to baptize all four of your dead grandparents, YOU are a Mor(m)on by definition, and they get to hit you up for living-person tithes, which they prefer (what with inflation and all, plus exchange rates on dead currencies really suck.)
Or maybe the Angel Moron(i) told them they have to baptize every person who ever was, right back to Adam and Eve. I'm pretty sure the Rift Valley city hall records from 100,000 B.C. got thrown out somewhere along the way, so good luck with that, Mor(m)on baptism-people.
Don't ask me, I'm a Clamper now.
Credo quia absurdum est.
Man, that explains a lot!
Man that is some tough nuts love for Jesus Lord and Savior
That's just about as bad as selling indulgences. How many grand is a planet going for, these days?
GODS! GODS I SAY!
I don't know, but I bet Mitt got himself a whole solar system.
Haha! Actually, you can get the same reaction by asking him how filthy rich he is.
Love the seer stone shout out, Ken. Moroni-ism is such a fun religion to make fun of. I mean gosh, you don't see Jehovah's Witnesses getting their own musical theater play do you.
Seriously, could the Republican candidates POSSIBLY get any stranger????
You have no idea how weird they could get. I mean, think of the ones who were weird enough to scare off Bachmann supporters!
How did this mental defective get elected in Massachusetts? The more I hear about Twit Romney, the more appalling he becomes. He is as dumb as a box of rocks.
That was back in the day, when he flipped (before he flopped.)
no he's as personable as a box of rocks. He's smart as a robber-baron
I've got the afterlife figured out! I'm going to Hell, but I'm going to buy into a series of Mormon Afterlife Planet timeshares! I'll never have to actually be in Hell for more than a day at a time, and only to pick up my mail.
I appreciate that you have put so much thought into this.
As General Phil Sheridan said: "If I owned Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."
He got his wish, actually. (OK, not the landlord part.)
And btw, Chet, a day in Hell can seem like, well, forever. If you get my meaning.
Bu surely the daemon who sold me this plan wouldn't have Greatly Deceived me, would he?
Let's put it this way: That coupon good for a free bridge that he included as an early-bird bonus? Don't bother.
What if God were one of us? Just a stranger on a bus? Would Mitt try to baptize him too?
It's just all the more astonishing that he didn't win in SC.
Here's to hoping someone will re-baptist Mittens, wonder how long he can hold his breath?
Any Catholic can baptize anybody in an emergency.
My baptism was done by a guy who's baptism goes back in an unbroken chain to John The Baptist.
So, if I throw holy water on Mittens and say he's baptized, he's a Catholic.
Because, according to the repiglicans, there is a constant state of emergency since 9/11, right?
Brilliant.
Do they really want Hitler and Genghis Khan in their afterlife?
Mormon Heaven isn't sounding so good. You have Hitler, Genghis Khan and a whole bunch of people saying "What the fuck am I doing here?"
Not to mention Holocaust victims..
Baptizing Hitler was a Mormon practical joke. He has to share a planet with the Holocaust victims. 6 million to 1. Should be interesting.
TRUE FACT: Scientology is a Mormon false flag operation.
That's pretty much the only thing about either religion that makes sense. You'd better watch out, because Moroni and/or Xenu is probably not happy that you figured it out.
Check with the church.
Yeah, okay Mitt. Mormons are as secretive about their practices as Scientologists.
I guess "Rom the Baptist" is a catchier nickname than Mittens.
What's a cafeteria Mormon? Does it involve Luby's?
The LuAnn platter allows you one planet of your own, 9 wives, and a roll.
And, iced tea?
You know, the Mormon Afterlife is sounding more and more like Philip Jose Farmer's Riverworld.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Your_Scattered_Bo…
Sci-Fi and religion have a lot in common.
- Lafayette Ronald Hubbard
BTW, the Wikipedia entry for Elron goes on forever and ever, with 322 references — I would not be surprised if they spend several paragraphs analyzing his preserved feces. Scientolonerds are like Star Trek fanboys, on steroids. (God bless/have mercy on the Wikipedia editor who wrangles their pet pages!)
Cafeteria mormons are people too, my friend.
Baptize Jerry Garcia
I doubt he'd be very grateful.
But if Mittin's words did glow would it put a ripple in the cosmic sunshine?
Best song evar!
Try that shit with Bob Dobbs from the Church of the SubGenius….
Right on.
OT But this made me weep tears of joy.
A new poll shows U.S. Rep. Joe Walsh trailing Democrats in Illinois' 8th District.
The poll, conducted by Public Policy Polling on behalf of House Majority PAC, shows Walsh's approval rating at 28 percent. Testing the congressman against a generic Democrat, PPP reports that voters chose that unnamed Democrat 49 percent to 35 percent, Politico reports.
Baby, that filthy old song that you posted yesterday…it makes me uncomfortable to think that what are now Old Folks ever enjoyed something as raunchy as that! I'll bet it made steam come out of Alan Lomax's ears!
No kidding , that is the filthiest song I have ever heard.
I've heard some Sea Chanteys that made me want to scream and run away.
They were fun, actually.
Well, using his kids as a prop isn't going to help him. Got to think of something else, hmmm, Obama is ruining this country, that'll do it.
In youth, Romney may have baptized some dead Jews, but he swears he didn't inhale.
How does a Mormon baptism work? Is underwear involved? Gold plates in magic hats? The Church of LDS is fucking weird. But then, what religion isn't?
"Cafeteria Mormon?" Who the hell is this guy? It's "jack Mormon" as he knows damn well. And of course he's baptized dead jews, we all did. Also, depicting the temple baptismal font as a toilet is incredibly offensive, keep up the good work!
(the reason they baptize dead people is because they try to answer life's great philosophical and religious questions in the most slipshod manner possible. "You have to be baptized in THE CHURCH to go to heaven young son!" "what about people who died before Joseph Smith?" "uhh… we'll baptize them too! by proxy!"
Elder Smith?
A Wonkette Mormon, awesome.
Exmo, prolly. As am I.
MrLimeylizzie grew up in Salt Lake City in the 40s and he's a Catholic.
Is your avatar trying to tell us that Bruce Wayne is a MorMan?
Yes, because if Wonkette has only one mission, it is to be blandly inoffensive.
GMaFB.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baptism_for_the_dead…
In the practice of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or "Mormons"), a living person, acting as proxy, is baptized by immersion on behalf of a deceased person. After giving a short prayer that includes the name of the deceased individual, the proxy is immersed briefly in the water, then brought up again.
Isn't it wrong to force dead people to become Mormons? I don't want you making my dead grandmother a Mormon – that's offensive!: http://www.jefflindsay.com/LDSFAQ/FQ_BaptDead.sht…
This is a common concern, but is based on a misunderstanding. Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It's entirely their choice.
"It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It's entirely their choice. "
I am a Buddha of little brain, so help me out here…Aren't they fucking dead??
And what if the baptizer mispronounces the name? Doesn't that screw it all up? Plus being constantly immersed in water can't be all that much fun. I'd be secretly thinking 'Fuck Genghis Khan, I hope he burns in hell', which surely the Profit Moroni would sense and then I'm on the hot seat!
It's like if your name comes up on a "no-fly" list; you wake up dead and you're suddenly spending eternity with the Osmonds.
I just ate, Chet!
"Profit" Moroni, good typo. But he was an angel, not a prophet. get your doctrine straight, willya?
What sort of decisions can a dead person make, aside from whether they are going to go find their corpse or hard rez at the cemetery?
…a living person, acting as proxy, is baptized by immersion on behalf of a deceased person.
Given the zillions of dead people they're busy baptizing, I'm guessing they have to load up the proxy-dunkee with a whole long list of names at once. Sort of like a time share, or a condo, for the dead folks. (Hence all those underwater condos that you read about, out West.)
Not an issue in the Repub primary. Has to do with that whole 'Jewish Republican is an oxymoron' thing – got 36 in Congress, only Eric Cantor is a Repub. Wait, they can baptize him right now – we won't mind.
And this is the party that is worried about voter fraud. Fucking hell. Well, when someone asks him whether or not he supports "blood atonement" for murder, the jig will be up.
Meaningless ceremony is meaningless.
Dueling afterlives! It's like a Trekkie/Warsie forum.
William Shatner: "Get an afterlife!"
There is another debate tonight?? Is that why Person of Interest isn't on? Damn!
It's People of Disinterest. Tonight.
Finally, a role for Benjamin Linus where he doesn't get his face broken every episode.
Hello. My name is Elder Price. And I would like to share with you a most amazing book.
Hello. My name is Elder Young. Did you know that Jesus lived here in the USA?
Damned illegal immigrants.
And "Elder" Price and "Elder" Young are about 19 years old and ride around town on bicycles like a couple of my homeless friends.
"You two boys run along and find something to do. See about some Santorum, will you?"
Why does he want to be president when he clearly will have so many of his own planets to rule?
He didn't get Joe Pa yet?
to soon?
I'll bet celebrities get bumped to the front of the line.
They baptize dead celebrity Scientologists before the corpse is cold.
BTW they do zombie marriages, a thing called sealing. Some LDS flockers in my family tree have done both proxy baptisms and marriages for many a dead members of heathen branches; protestant, Catholic, and even the agnosicated atheists. How that last one works is a mystery.
So how do they get the dead to tithe?
"How that last one works is a mystery."
But the rest of it makes perfect sense, right?
I can't help but feel bad for the zombie bride(s) of Newt Gingrich, when they finally get around to his ghost. Will Federation starships be sent on rescue missions to any of these planets?
See, this is why Mormons aren't real Christians. Real Christians force you to convert while you're still alive. Don't they, Newt?
I want to chat with Ken! It will be a little like a suicide support helpline but I would only go on it when things were looking up so that Ken can bring me crashing back to reality, my whiskey and a box of razor blades
And starved for attention: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150514…
Alaska Airlines’ Prayer Cards; It’s hip to be offended?
It seems astonishing that someone would be offended by a simple prayer card placed on an airline’s meal tray, but I guess that’s the politically correct world we live in now. A few days ago, Rev. Franklin Graham gave me a heads up that Alaska Airlines may discontinue its nice, decades-long Alaskan tradition of including a little prayer card on flight meal trays.
Guess who?
Hitler?
"It seems astonishing that someone would be offended by a simple prayer card placed on an airline’s meal tray"
Really? Because I would be offended by that. And Rev. Graham, how would you feel if it were a Muslim or a Wiccan prayer?
Translation: "It is astonishing and offensive that anyone in the world would simply choose not to be a Christian."
I think the last thing I want someone handing me at thirty thousand feet is a card with a damn prayer on it.
Do you remember those life insurance vending machines (like gumball & candy ones) they used to have in airports?
Good God, really? Must have been before my time.
You mean they don't still have them?
"In the unlikely event of a cabin depressurization, please take your prayer cards and read along with the captain."
I'd be more scared than angry. Are they planning to crash the planeply or don't trust in its structural and mechanical integrity?
You know, when I see Christian prayer cards on my meal tray, and they indentify as such, I get a little worried…
Can we haz Liveblog?
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeazzzzzzzzzze?
Two negroes already!!!!!
Are they on food stamps?
I think Chauffeurs.
Looks like it'll be a DIY one again.
OK, you go first.
chatango anyone? http://www.wonkette.chatango.com
It's up there now!
"Oh no! We have Debate Sign!!!!"
–Joel and the Bots
Don't forget to baptize Mohammad, Moses, and Zarathustra
How exciting: Wolf Blitzer.
Hey, I'm here! Wait, gotta go fix a Cosmo. I'll be back!
POOF!!!! All the kids in the choir are now Mormons!
Also, I'm crushing their heads!
Great Caesar's Ghost – Another Primary debate?!
There's absolutely no good reason for this, except if they're sponsored by the Liquor Industry.
That has to be it, right?
Ewww, Santorum has a mom.
Old enough to be his grandmother, which explains so much.
Newt, the first chickenhawk squawks.
It's fucking dinnertime in the desert. I'll be with you in liveblog spirits… drinking while I make the pasta stuff.
Snark On!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shit, now we can't Google "Santorum". His Mom's here.
Maybe Newt's Aircraft Carrier Group can build the dang fence.
Something about converting the corpses of people who were murdered for their religious beliefs away from said religious belief unsettles me.
Yeah, well, if God was on your side, you'd understand.
I don't know about baptism, but considering all those Stepford Sons who just happen to be his spittin' image, I can assume Mittens believes in burying the stiff.
The LDS cop-out is that the "baptism" only takes root if the dead folks agree to it.
So glad to hear that Mittens believes in every delusional and contradictory tenet of that 1850s cult.
The fuck?! Check my church?! You mean the church where you held the rank of bishop? you are the fucking church, dude!
Honestly, it what other evangelical faith would you direct someone to your church when explicity asked about it? Hell, in the time it took him weasel his way away from his church, a Southern Baptist would have already tried to baptize you and then damned you to hell for refusing.
Just goes to show even Mitt knows how extra unbelievable the shit they sell is. Yeah, you're not a "cafeteria Mormon", but you wont even share you faith with the public. Give me a fuckin' break. You're a fraud all the way around and on every side. I've figured out what bugs me in particular about Mormonism: It's so incredibly cynical. I can almost forgive up to a point a religion founded before the Renaissance or Enlightment. Anything after, though, after we found out and discovered so much is a cynical fraud, plain and simple, and it burns me up. To boot, not only was Mormonism started after the Enlightenment, but it began after the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, and evolved concurrently with it. Mormonism doesn't have any excuse.
Of course Romney isn't a "cafeteria Mormon". He looks about as natural in a cafeteria as he does in a laundromat.
Meh… the Morman death baptizing ritual is just as pointless as any ritual performed by any other religion.
If any of this were true, you'd think Mormons would be a little leery of shipping people out of their afterlives and into Mormonic heaven. They might not be in a great mood to be there. They might even bust some heads, in a spiritual sense of course. Actually, it might be more fun than non-Mormonic heaven.
That toilet bowl baptism thingie would be blasphemous if not for the fact the Mormonism is blasphemy.
Superstitious wacko's.
A cult, plain and simple.
Why don't the dumb MF'ers just baptize everyone that ever lived or died, regardless of whether or not they know the names of the deceased?
Answer: MONEY
The mormons and their genealogy BS are about money. They use their data base to go after the estates of deceased people trying to get nuisance settlements out of the estates-which they get 10 percent of!
Brilliant!
In California, we had to change the laws regarding wills to keep the mormons out of each and every probate.
"Anything you can do, I can do better"
No, but do believe that they got to Ethel Rosenberg.
"I can do anything
Better than you."
No you can't!
"Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!"
This is Wonkette's gayest thread ever.
Now now. No need to be so passive-abrisive.
Not that anything is wrong with that.
So?
Ever? Somehow I doubt that.
And man, you're really running late here, JC; these Romans are getting to be real bitch here, you promised you'd come back and get rid of them!
I hear on the planet Lanai, they speak badly translated Egyptian. It's a crazy place…
After the Romans trashed the Temple, again, and JC didn't show up to save the day I'm surprised the followers didn't just say "fuck it, we'll find another messiah. Too bad John the Baptist got his head cut off".
You know Soros, for two atheists we both know quite a bit of this stuff. Honestly, probably more than most of the people who claim to love JC and worship him like he's actually the son of allah.
Most Wonketeers would understand.
And far too little Alice Liddell in rut.
Really, I don't know how people can learn the detailed theology of most religions and not conclude that it's all bullshit. So much of it just doesn't make any sense. In some ways, going to Catholic school helped make me an atheist; because while I accepted what I was told when very young, by the time I was twelve I started having problems with some of it – besides the abortion thing, there was the whole anyone that's not Catholic is doomed to hell for eternity thing, which seemed like something only a monster would do – and it didn't take all that long to realize that, if Church dogma was wrong on so many thing, they could be wrong on everthing.
Like I said – more boring.
But it's in Latin. That makes it official!
Also Ethel Mertz. Wait, what?
Improbable.
Ramen!
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