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Did Romney Secretly Baptize Holocaust Victims To Make Them Mormon?

the 12 oxen toilet bowl baptismal font of the Apocalypse

Here’s a wacky fun-time ritual thing the Mormons do that you may or may not have heard about: they love to baptize dead people and thus declare them members of their magic moon faith, mostly so that the Mormons can claim a 7 billion person membership similar to the way that those McDonald’s signs claim “50 billion anusburgers served since 1940″ to reassure you that it’s, like, really popular. This has, throughout history, not always pleased the relatives of the dead people who were baptized — say for instance, the relatives of Jewish Holocaust victims who found their family members’ names among those who had been posthumously converted to Mormonism. And so hey, know where there are lots of Jewish people these days? Florida. What’s happening in Florida next week? A Republican presidential primary. Who’s leading the polls in that primary right now? A Mormon. Has Mormon Mitt Romney been secretly baptizing Holocaust victims in his spare time?

He won’t say! He will only say that he doesn’t cheat and follows all the weird rules of his religion, and then he admits to baptizing some dead people in his youth the way that most other politicians would admit to smoking a little weed in college.

From HuffPo:

In 2007, when Romney made his first run for the Republican nomination, NECN in Hartford, Conn., asked him about baptizing the dead. He said he is “not a cafeteria Mormon” and adheres to all tenets of his faith. But Romney, a former bishop and top church official in Boston, referred specific questions to religious leaders.

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When Newsweek magazine asked Romney if he personally had performed posthumous baptisms on anyone, author Jonathan Darman wrote, “he looked slightly startled and answered, ‘I have in my life, but I haven’t recently.’ The awareness of how odd this will sound to many Americans is what makes Romney hesitant to elaborate on the Mormon question.”

YES, IT DOES SOUND ODD. Hopefully the Jewish voters of Florida will not mind!?

Your Wonkette editors must now set to wondering: WHO ELSE DID MITT ROMNEY SECRET BAPTIZE, in our super secret Wonkette chat room.

Ken L.: “Any Mormon may baptize any person posthumously. Church members have performed the ritual on Buddha, Catholic popes, 9/11 hijackers, William Shakespeare, Joan of Arc, Elvis Presley, President Obama’s mother and even reportedly Jesus Christ.”
Kirsten J.: it’s pretty awesome
Ken L.: … the ritual has also probably been performed on Hitler, the seven dwarves, Kurt Cobain, and teevee’s Gary Coleman.
Kirsten J.: oh damn, he doesnt admit to baptizing people specifically in the video
Ken L.: GUILTY
Ken L.: “Watch Romney weasel out of admitting he did Mormon Death Rituals on murdered Holocaust victims”
Ken L.: i love mormonism so much. it is my favorite frontier religion by far.
Kirsten J.: also: thomas jefferson, david koresh, queen elizabeth and bilbo baggins.
Ken L.: hahahahahah
Kirsten J.: god im just going to post this chat.
Ken L.: might as well. i’m using “seer stones” to type my part.

Now watch the video of Mitt Romney refusing to admit working his moon magic on the zombies!

[HuffPo]

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338 comments

    1. SorosBot

      I hope it wasn't the terrible Planet of the Apes… wait a minute. Statue of Liberty… THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

      1. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

        All of this fucking pointless stupidity has happened before. All of this fucking pointless stupidity will happen again.

    2. Terry

      If Mitt tried to convert either of my grandmothers away from Catholicism, they're going to spend eternity making him wish he hadn't. Go grannies!

  1. chascates

    So the 'pre-born' are to be protected at any cost (including the mother's life) but once someone's dead they're fresh meat for your soul collecting club?

      1. MittBorg

        No shit. There's no logic to any of this babble, either. Fuck me, religion is just the pathetic gibberings of a terrified ape trying to deal with a newly awakened consciousness.

        1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

          And then! The ape finds golden tablets in his hat! And then, he, um… Gets to marry as many girl apes as he likes, and he gets a planet after he dies!

          1. SorosBot

            And hey, what about the other sentient animals, like well, the other apes, along with elephants, dolphins and possibly some octopuses? Why don't the Mormons try and convert them?

          2. DrOzarkZ.Hellbender

            Suddenly, they are all crushed by a sperm whale and bowl of petunias that fell from the ionosphere.

          3. Terry

            That's the best part. Joseph Smith gets caught screwing around with a young girl and tells his wife that God told him that polygamy is the way to go, but Smith forgot to tell anyone up to that point.

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        wow, they (and Willard) srsly believe all this insane BS? I mean I KNEW ol JOe Smith was a con an of the highest order but had no idea he sold all these Dullards on such planetary fairy tales…maybe the Moron Gawd is on that same planet Superman came from (oh wait that one blew up, damn!) There is NO FUCKING WAY anyone should EVER even consider voting for an idiot who 'believes' in this crap…the bodies of his many wives indeed

        The Mormon God is quite a bit different from the God revealed in the Bible. The Mormon god was once just a man, like all human beings, and lived at one time on another planet just like the earth. This particular man was faithful to the teachings of the god that organized his planet, which were revealed to him and the other people on that planet. When this man died, he was resurrected and then exalted to the place of a god as a result of the works that he personally did in relation to the teachings of the god of his world. As a god, this exalted man was given a planet of his own which he inhabits today with his many wives, since the Mormon religion is based on the practice of polygamy by its gods. In fact, it is absolutely necessary that a Mormon god have many wives.

        Since the Mormon god is an exalted man, he has a physical body just like human beings, but it is a celestial body, having been transformed into a refined substance that cannot be seen or detected by normal human beings. The bodies of his many wives have been transformed into the same substance.

        1. Karma_Suture

          Wow….. just … well fucking wow.

          I guess you can go proselytizing with the fairy tale you want not with the fairy tail you have…

    1. comrad_darkness

      Better than the soul-*sucking* club, I have to admit, which was the Catholic church I grew up in.

  2. elviouslyqueer

    Mitt, don't you even dare try this shit on my beloved grandmother. She's a stone cold Southern Baptist who will have no compunction about rising up out of the grave and kicking you square in the nads.

    1. hilbillyheroine

      As a child, I personally witnessed my mother go after a proselytizing JW. My mom (A Baptist with a bad headache) chased the woman out of the yard with a steel garden rake. That was the last time they ever came to our house.

      1. comrad_darkness

        Do proselytizers leave little marks on the edge of your property, like the old hobos did? (Mean dog lives here. . . that sort of thing?)

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        My ex mother-in-law (Irish Catholic of the best/worst sort) would trade their paperwork for a handful of Catholic pamplets she collected from her church. "Thank you. Here, have some of mine." That pretty much ended the conversation.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Between you and elviously, I guess my grandmother LP had two other secret families she never told us about.

      1. SorosBot

        Well his father probably baptized American Motors before it died; maybe Mittens baptized Eastern Airlines.

  3. MissTaken

    It warms my heart to know that on some Mormon planet out there Hitler and Jesus are just chilling with Gary Coleman.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          I had the weirdest hot dream about Bette While last night. For reals. I was totally fucking weird but I have been chuckling about it all day.

          1. MissTaken

            That's totally acceptable. You know she not only knows, but has done, some freaky shit in bed. She's my hero.

  4. Generation[redacted]

    Super secret wonkette chat room? Better hope Brightbutt at bigwankers.com doesn't get hold of that transcript!

  5. Veritas78

    Graphic WIN of the month! Mitt as the Tidy Bowl Man for American Standard, our very own Charon flushing souls down his river Stynx.

  6. chascates

    Talk about a waste of time, like debating the amount of angels that could fit on the head of a pin. The Flying Spaghetti Monster laughs at your childish ideas!

    1. finallyhappy

      I am Jewish and I am converting all of my dead relatives to our version of Pastafarianism- Lokshinism

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        What happens in the case of dueling zombie baptisms? Is it first come, first served? Or does the last one get the last Word? (cue Yakkity-Yak track.)

    1. Biff

      To be fair, they haven't actually baptized bones in quite some time. But it used to be doctrine, so some of the fundy offshoots probably still adhere to it, like polygamy/polyandry, etc.

      1. MittBorg

        Polyandry is permitted in the Mormon cult? That's news to me. When did that happen. All I've ever read about Mormons tends to indicate that females in their opinion have no existence other than as vessels for their deity.

  7. Crank_Tango

    My favorite is that the dead have the option to "opt out" of the baptism. Not sure how they do that, exactly, but they have the option.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I bet $10,000 that every single one of their dead baptizees chose to opt out.

      Prove me wrong, mor(m)ons!

      1. GregComlish

        Biff is right. In Mormonism the dead accumulate in a spiritual world known as Prison. In Prison you can choose to accept any redemption offered to you by the Mormons. But you still need God's direct approval if you want an upgraded afterlife. And if you're female your redemption will also be limited by your husband: you can't make it to the highest level of afterlife unless your husband gets there himself and then voluntarily decides to let you in. Ladies should keep this in mind before hassling their Mormon husband before he's finished dinner.

    2. flamingpdog

      I'm pretty sure my Mormon daughter has had me baptized into Mormon Heaven, but I can't complain. It's prolly the only way I'll ever get into anybody's Heaven.

      1. MittBorg

        You can c'mon over to MY heaven anytime. Baptism not needed, everybody with a kind heart is welcome, pets a bonus.

        Screw these fucking cults and their mor(m)onic bullshit.

  8. coolhandnuke

    ‘I have in my life, but I haven’t recently.’

    Mitts' time is too filled with urinating on living souls.

    1. Biff

      Of course he hasn't recently. That's a job for young members. They go to a temple and don a white bunny suit and get dunked as a proxy for the dead person. It's like scouting, I'm sure there's a ribbon or merit badge for it.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I swear it sounds to me like how any sane candidate addresses drug use these days. Only, he was a bishop, so that's sort of like a crack dealer saying that since he hasn't smoked rock in years that means he has no involvement in the drug trade.

      1. MittBorg

        Exactly. I actually have Mormon friends. I'm not terribly close with them, and I don't think they're terribly observant. But I;m pretty sure they're just ordinary low-ranking members of their cult and fine people apart from that weird thing with no drugs or alcohol (fucking weirdos).

        But Bishop Willard is an entirely different kettle of fish. He has been involved with his cult all his life and holds high rank. He can't pretend not to know that this disgusting repulsive baptism of dead of the FUCKING Holocaust, fer the love of mike, is deeply insulting to Jews. Deeply. I'm disgusted with his bullshit. He needs to go.

    1. jus_wonderin

      To be fair, he has to quickly translate our language to Mormonese, formulate the answer, translate it back to Earthling, then vocally process it.

      I have never met Mitt, but I fear he emits the acrid odor of our '60's Philco on Saturday night.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I'm guessing it would be " Well, assuming we are here in Florida, at this current hour, it is Thursday. But if we were across the date line, it would be a different day." Or some such bullshit, accompanied by knowing smirk.

  9. SorosBot

    Did they go even further back and baptize Lucy the Australopithecus too? Hmm but that would require accepting the reality of evolution.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Lucy: "But there were only one set of footsteps."
        Jesus: "Yes, Lucy, I was carrying you…because you take to fucking long shambling along with all that knuckle dragging. Oh, me!!!"

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I don't think the LDS is as anti-evolution as, say, hardcore baptists. Maybe it is because all the mammoth skeletons and dinosaur bones they find in Utah. But for whatever reason they've tried to straddle the issue for 100 years, saying God made man, but no one knows how for sure (which is another reason for evangelicals to hate Romney).

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        If they're tying to baptize everybody, ever, it would be a hell of a lot easier if the earth was only 6,000 years old.

  10. edgydrifter

    If it were me, I would just baptize John the Baptist. That way, everyone baptized since about 10 AD would be automatically converted to Mormonism. Kind of like how whatever you do to the head vampire affects all the other vampires. I think it probably works the same way. Work smarter not harder, my friends.

    1. LizzyBorden1

      That's brilliant!!! Zonks… I suddenly have an urge to let my husband marry a few more wives (at least one's that will clean this shit-hole and do the laundry (including his tighty-whiteys…talking about shit-holes).

  11. jus_wonderin

    I do hear they get a toaster for every 25 they baptize.

    Ya know, with the past post on Zombie voters and this on kidnapped dead people being retroactively spirited to Mormoney planets…I haz an idea we have slipped into the necro-zone.

    1. CivicHoliday

      Oh oh oh, so it's like selling girl scout cookies? I always thought that tiered system was such a son of a bitch. One year I came 2 boxes short of my goal, so instead of a sony CD walkman I won a travel mug. I'd bet Mittens has won at LEAST three iPod shuffles by now.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      To tell the truth, Mountain Dew is pretty weird stuff, so I cut them some slack here.

      Declining a perfectly made espresso, on the other hand, is just perverse.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      See, I'm confused by this. I grew up hearing all caffeine is verboten, but now Coke is okay? So where does Doing the Dew fit on this scale?

      1. Biff

        It wasn't the caffeine, it was "hot drinks". I heard some Mormon bought a Coca-Cola distributorship and by some mumbo-jumbo the Prophet heard from god himself, voila, Coke is OK now?

    3. comrad_darkness

      Wait, you have it backwards. Mountain Dew is what they ARE allowed to drink. Coffee and tea are forbidden. I have a friend who teaches at a Utah Uni, and is amused by all the Mountain Dew consumption. Because, you know, it's not the caffeine that's forbidden. No side show hustler in a canestoga wagon buying native american children is going to know jack shit about chemistry.

      1. doloras

        I dated a Mormon chick once and got a chance to look at her Scriptures, and it clearly says that HOT drinks are forbidden (because hot liquids are for the outside of your body, not the inside, said JHVH according to Joseph Smith), so, what, iced coffee should be okay?

  12. Extemporanus

    The most disturbing thing about this practice is the unsightly ring dead people tend to leave around the inside of the baptismal font.

    1. 40 or 50 % McShineys

      Sometimes you have to leave them soaking all night in the baptismal jacuzzi first, until they're softened up enough to bend them.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    "I have in my life, but I haven't recently, and never more than, what, 15% of dead people? Not even that many. No, probably closer to 13.9%."

    1. snackypants

      "Which when you consider the baptisms I have done on living people, ends up being about 45-50%."

  14. BigDumbRedDog

    I am going to be SUPER PISSED if I ever end up in Mormon heaven. I mean, way more pissed than that time when two seperate Jehova's Witnesses came to my house in one day.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I understand you get your own planet, plus the wives you had on earth, forever. Showing up without having planned for it could definitely be a bummer.

  15. RadioFetusEater

    Dumbasses. They could get a 30 million jump in their membership if they just baptized the Slavs that Hitler slaughtered in WW2. No one even cares or mentions them.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Slavs? Cambodians? Trying to pronounce those 50 million names right will stop them dead. So to speak.

      2. tcaalaw

        It's only around 2 million for Pol Pot. But he does win the title of most deadly genocidal dictator on a per capita basis since Cambodia only had a population of roughly 7 million or so to start with.

  16. arihaya

    this will definitely help Romney with a decisive demographic in Florida: the geriatric Jewish retirees, many of whom are Holocaust survivors

  17. MissTaken

    So, if you posthumously baptize someone who was cremated, do you just wrap the urn in the magic underwear?

    1. SorosBot

      This reminds me of one of the stranger tenets of the Catholic faith: you shouldn't get cremated because, after the Second Coming, if you were deserving and in heaven your body will be resurrected and rejoined with your spirit, but if it was reduced to ashes and scattered that might be impossible.

      1. MissTaken

        That's something I've never understood: why do we need our bodies when in heaven, but only after the Second Coming happens? If you've been dead and buried for, well possibly up to 2000 years nowadays, wouldn't that body be pretty funky?

        1. SorosBot

          It does seem like the authors of that doctrine never heard of decomposition. Actually the early Christians probably never thought of the possibility because they all thought that Jesus was coming back any day now; within their lifetimes; he's been disappointing his followers for two millenia.

          1. MissTaken

            But considering the earliest Gospels, at least those that made it into the Canon, weren't even written until 70 AD or so, nearly 40 years after Zombie Jeebus died, woke up, walked around and got poked at a bit, and then floated on home to daddy. I'm sure many followers were long dead by the time people started writing down the story. Didn't people start to wonder, "Hey, what about Jim Bob who died 20 years ago? Does he get to hang with us, too? Cause that dude was awesome. Dang, I miss Jim Bob."

          2. SorosBot

            And man, you're really running late here, JC; these Romans are getting to be real bitch here, you promised you'd come back and get rid of them!

          3. MissTaken

            After the Romans trashed the Temple, again, and JC didn't show up to save the day I'm surprised the followers didn't just say "fuck it, we'll find another messiah. Too bad John the Baptist got his head cut off".

            You know Soros, for two atheists we both know quite a bit of this stuff. Honestly, probably more than most of the people who claim to love JC and worship him like he's actually the son of allah.

          4. SorosBot

            Really, I don't know how people can learn the detailed theology of most religions and not conclude that it's all bullshit. So much of it just doesn't make any sense. In some ways, going to Catholic school helped make me an atheist; because while I accepted what I was told when very young, by the time I was twelve I started having problems with some of it – besides the abortion thing, there was the whole anyone that's not Catholic is doomed to hell for eternity thing, which seemed like something only a monster would do – and it didn't take all that long to realize that, if Church dogma was wrong on so many thing, they could be wrong on everthing.

        2. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I'm pretty sure Jeebus is supposed to reverse the corruption of the grave, and bring your molecules back together from wherever they've gotten to while you were waiting. It can't be much more of a challenge to put cremated people back together.
          There's bound to be a lot of atoms that got re-used in different people, so the book-keeping is kinda complicated, but God's Excel spreadsheet has infinite rows and colums. (Steve just got Him to switch to the Mac, and He's crunching numbers at an insanely great rate.)

  18. Callyson

    "To prevent duplication the Church keeps a record of the deceased persons who have been baptized."
    Yeah, because if someone is baptized twice, the ceremony has the opposite effect and the person goes straight to hell. Or has to go to the Mormon church to straighten things out. But I repeat myself.

  19. chascates

    And what's with the 'former Bishop' part? Was he de-underweared? Wiki says he was a 'ward bishop' which I suppose is like the old ward boss in voting precincts but I would have thought the money he donates to his church would have made him a Bishop 1st Class, if not Lt. Pope!

  20. Chichikovovich

    Gad. Baptism. OK, it's bad, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to the fact that until his thirties, Romney was a full member of, financially supported, and recruited for an organization that declared as a matter of principle that blacks were inferior. The fact that they then added "oh, yeah, we believe it because God told us so", doesn't make it any less horrifying. If anything, it makes it worse.

    It really is amazing what kind of behavior you can get away with if there are enough of you and you make sure that you always say "and that's what God told me".

    1. doloras

      One of the things I do like about Mormons, though, is that their Holy Scripture can be revised at any moment if the Church President goes up the mountain and comes down saying, for example, "News flash, folks, JHVH says that blacks have souls after all! Who knew?"

      1. Chet Kincaid

        One gets the impression that the Church President retreated to the mountaintop with a Motown Greatest Hits Compilation. "Jesus revealed to me that Blacks have more Soul than they know what to do with!!"

      2. Negropolis

        Too much inconsistency and flexibility makes a religion feel fake and cynical, and that's what I don't like about the religion. Using your example, the president could just as easily come back down the mountain, tomorrow, and say "pysche! Black people really are cursed."

  21. femalefop

    Mitt Romney hasn't been baptized for the dead (Holocaust victims) recently because that ritual is performed with Mormon teenagers as proxies for the dead. After Mormon men turn 19, they can get their "endowments" (when they start with the magic underwear). Then their temple work acting as proxy for dead people is in the Mormon endowment and marriage ceremonies, which are for adults. People focus on the baptisms for the dead, but the dead are also married. Deceased people can be married to a living married Mormon, and living Mormons can be married to dead people. Married Mormon men, dead or alive, can be married to any number of living or dead women. I stopped going to the temple when I was 18, so I did baptisms but no endowments or marriages. I'm not sure how they pair people up, but I know that if people were 'living in sin' before they died, they usually get married to each other. For example, the Mormon church baptized Hitler and Eva Braun and then married them to each other. That really happened. Adults did that. In the 20th century.

  22. Douché

    We have to fight back and baptize all the dead they have done under the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Anyone have the list, and a couple thousand gallons of marinara?

        1. Spurning Beer

          I have had a revelation from FSM-tafari: it is possible to use wildcards to perform proxy baptisms. So you can baptize everyone matching Mc* or Van* or *stein all at once. Or you can go Full Wildcard, and baptize everyone matching " *."

          FSM-tafari also said unto me that baptism no longer requires external exposure to holy water. Internal exposure is fine, and Scotch can be substituted for water.

  23. widestanceshakedown

    Aren't heaven and hell like any other voodoo, wherein it only works if you believe in it? This will allow me to sleep tonight without fear of spending eternity with dead Osmonds.

    1. Biff

      Upfisted, but I'd probably spend a little time with Marie, if it wasn't for her using her uterus as a clown car, and all.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Any Mormon may baptize any person posthumously. Church members have performed the ritual on Buddha, Catholic popes, 9/11 hijackers,

    So, the Mormon church is responsible for 9/11?

    1. Douché

      No, just for helping legitimize it under god, they were actually getting their virgins when god stepped in and said, hey, you've just been mormonized, so, you know, sorry, no go on virgins. They've actually been protesting the 1% who weren't mormonized and been occupying "cross street" since.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    See, Mitt's charitable giving goes to a tremendously worthwhile and necessary cause — it's not like the federal government's gonna spend time baptizing your dead relatives so they don't end up in hell, is it?

    1. SorosBot

      But there's a number of people they baptized who were already gods – it includes Jesus, Alexander the Great, Imhotep, Julius Caesar, and other gods as well.

    2. Biff

      Here's the rub: In order to be awarded your own planet, you have to be deemed temple-worthy, and to be deemed temple-worthy, you have to have paid your tithes like for a really long time. Trust me, they keep track of financial transactions, no cheating! So the baptized dead people don't get their own planet, and at best, I think they'd be doomed to purgatory forever until they get all caught up. Good luck with that, dead people!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Umm … so who does all this deeming? Because it seems pretty unfair to the deemees, what with the zombie economy being in the dumps, and them not being able to vote (unless they're Chicago Democrats or South Carolina Republicans, or retired pharaohs.)

        I think the idea behind this whole scheme is that if they manage to baptize all four of your dead grandparents, YOU are a Mor(m)on by definition, and they get to hit you up for living-person tithes, which they prefer (what with inflation and all, plus exchange rates on dead currencies really suck.)

        Or maybe the Angel Moron(i) told them they have to baptize every person who ever was, right back to Adam and Eve. I'm pretty sure the Rift Valley city hall records from 100,000 B.C. got thrown out somewhere along the way, so good luck with that, Mor(m)on baptism-people.

      2. Negropolis

        That's just about as bad as selling indulgences. How many grand is a planet going for, these days?

  26. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Love the seer stone shout out, Ken. Moroni-ism is such a fun religion to make fun of. I mean gosh, you don't see Jehovah's Witnesses getting their own musical theater play do you.

  27. JackObin

    How did this mental defective get elected in Massachusetts? The more I hear about Twit Romney, the more appalling he becomes. He is as dumb as a box of rocks.

  28. Chet Kincaid

    I've got the afterlife figured out! I'm going to Hell, but I'm going to buy into a series of Mormon Afterlife Planet timeshares! I'll never have to actually be in Hell for more than a day at a time, and only to pick up my mail.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        He got his wish, actually. (OK, not the landlord part.)

        And btw, Chet, a day in Hell can seem like, well, forever. If you get my meaning.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Let's put it this way: That coupon good for a free bridge that he included as an early-bird bonus? Don't bother.

    1. CessnaDriver

      Any Catholic can baptize anybody in an emergency.

      My baptism was done by a guy who's baptism goes back in an unbroken chain to John The Baptist.

      So, if I throw holy water on Mittens and say he's baptized, he's a Catholic.

      Because, according to the repiglicans, there is a constant state of emergency since 9/11, right?

      Brilliant.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Mormon Heaven isn't sounding so good. You have Hitler, Genghis Khan and a whole bunch of people saying "What the fuck am I doing here?"

    2. Mahousu

      Baptizing Hitler was a Mormon practical joke. He has to share a planet with the Holocaust victims. 6 million to 1. Should be interesting.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's pretty much the only thing about either religion that makes sense. You'd better watch out, because Moroni and/or Xenu is probably not happy that you figured it out.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Sci-Fi and religion have a lot in common.

      - Lafayette Ronald Hubbard

      BTW, the Wikipedia entry for Elron goes on forever and ever, with 322 references — I would not be surprised if they spend several paragraphs analyzing his preserved feces. Scientolonerds are like Star Trek fanboys, on steroids. (God bless/have mercy on the Wikipedia editor who wrangles their pet pages!)

  29. Limeylizzie

    OT But this made me weep tears of joy.

    A new poll shows U.S. Rep. Joe Walsh trailing Democrats in Illinois' 8th District.

    The poll, conducted by Public Policy Polling on behalf of House Majority PAC, shows Walsh's approval rating at 28 percent. Testing the congressman against a generic Democrat, PPP reports that voters chose that unnamed Democrat 49 percent to 35 percent, Politico reports.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Baby, that filthy old song that you posted yesterday…it makes me uncomfortable to think that what are now Old Folks ever enjoyed something as raunchy as that! I'll bet it made steam come out of Alan Lomax's ears!

        1. C_R_Eature

          I've heard some Sea Chanteys that made me want to scream and run away.

          They were fun, actually.

    2. RadioFetusEater

      Well, using his kids as a prop isn't going to help him. Got to think of something else, hmmm, Obama is ruining this country, that'll do it.

  30. Monsieur_Grumpe

    How does a Mormon baptism work? Is underwear involved? Gold plates in magic hats? The Church of LDS is fucking weird. But then, what religion isn't?

  31. mormos

    "Cafeteria Mormon?" Who the hell is this guy? It's "jack Mormon" as he knows damn well. And of course he's baptized dead jews, we all did. Also, depicting the temple baptismal font as a toilet is incredibly offensive, keep up the good work!

    (the reason they baptize dead people is because they try to answer life's great philosophical and religious questions in the most slipshod manner possible. "You have to be baptized in THE CHURCH to go to heaven young son!" "what about people who died before Joseph Smith?" "uhh… we'll baptize them too! by proxy!"

    1. Negropolis

      Also, depicting the temple baptismal font as a toilet is incredibly offensive

      Yes, because if Wonkette has only one mission, it is to be blandly inoffensive.

      GMaFB.

  32. chascates

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baptism_for_the_dead
    In the practice of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or "Mormons"), a living person, acting as proxy, is baptized by immersion on behalf of a deceased person. After giving a short prayer that includes the name of the deceased individual, the proxy is immersed briefly in the water, then brought up again.

    Isn't it wrong to force dead people to become Mormons? I don't want you making my dead grandmother a Mormon – that's offensive!:
    http://www.jefflindsay.com/LDSFAQ/FQ_BaptDead.sht
    This is a common concern, but is based on a misunderstanding. Baptism for the dead does not change anything for the person unless they choose to accept that ordinance. It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It's entirely their choice.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      "It simply makes it possible for the dead to accept baptism if they want it. It's entirely their choice. "

      I am a Buddha of little brain, so help me out here…Aren't they fucking dead??

      1. chascates

        And what if the baptizer mispronounces the name? Doesn't that screw it all up? Plus being constantly immersed in water can't be all that much fun. I'd be secretly thinking 'Fuck Genghis Khan, I hope he burns in hell', which surely the Profit Moroni would sense and then I'm on the hot seat!

    2. Naked_Bunny

      What sort of decisions can a dead person make, aside from whether they are going to go find their corpse or hard rez at the cemetery?

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      …a living person, acting as proxy, is baptized by immersion on behalf of a deceased person.

      Given the zillions of dead people they're busy baptizing, I'm guessing they have to load up the proxy-dunkee with a whole long list of names at once. Sort of like a time share, or a condo, for the dead folks. (Hence all those underwater condos that you read about, out West.)

  33. yellowerdog

    Not an issue in the Repub primary. Has to do with that whole 'Jewish Republican is an oxymoron' thing – got 36 in Congress, only Eric Cantor is a Repub. Wait, they can baptize him right now – we won't mind.

  34. Wonderthing

    And this is the party that is worried about voter fraud. Fucking hell. Well, when someone asks him whether or not he supports "blood atonement" for murder, the jig will be up.

  35. OKthennext

    Hello. My name is Elder Price. And I would like to share with you a most amazing book.
    Hello. My name is Elder Young. Did you know that Jesus lived here in the USA?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      And "Elder" Price and "Elder" Young are about 19 years old and ride around town on bicycles like a couple of my homeless friends.

      "You two boys run along and find something to do. See about some Santorum, will you?"

  36. weej_bain

    BTW they do zombie marriages, a thing called sealing. Some LDS flockers in my family tree have done both proxy baptisms and marriages for many a dead members of heathen branches; protestant, Catholic, and even the agnosicated atheists. How that last one works is a mystery.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "How that last one works is a mystery."

      But the rest of it makes perfect sense, right?
      I can't help but feel bad for the zombie bride(s) of Newt Gingrich, when they finally get around to his ghost. Will Federation starships be sent on rescue missions to any of these planets?

  37. Naked_Bunny

    See, this is why Mormons aren't real Christians. Real Christians force you to convert while you're still alive. Don't they, Newt?

  38. TanzbodenKoenig

    I want to chat with Ken! It will be a little like a suicide support helpline but I would only go on it when things were looking up so that Ken can bring me crashing back to reality, my whiskey and a box of razor blades

  39. chascates

    And starved for attention: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150514
    Alaska Airlines’ Prayer Cards; It’s hip to be offended?
    It seems astonishing that someone would be offended by a simple prayer card placed on an airline’s meal tray, but I guess that’s the politically correct world we live in now. A few days ago, Rev. Franklin Graham gave me a heads up that Alaska Airlines may discontinue its nice, decades-long Alaskan tradition of including a little prayer card on flight meal trays.

    Guess who?

    1. SorosBot

      "It seems astonishing that someone would be offended by a simple prayer card placed on an airline’s meal tray"

      Really? Because I would be offended by that. And Rev. Graham, how would you feel if it were a Muslim or a Wiccan prayer?

      1. chascates

        Do you remember those life insurance vending machines (like gumball & candy ones) they used to have in airports?

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "In the unlikely event of a cabin depressurization, please take your prayer cards and read along with the captain."

    2. Negropolis

      I'd be more scared than angry. Are they planning to crash the planeply or don't trust in its structural and mechanical integrity?

      You know, when I see Christian prayer cards on my meal tray, and they indentify as such, I get a little worried…

  40. C_R_Eature

    Great Caesar's Ghost – Another Primary debate?!

    There's absolutely no good reason for this, except if they're sponsored by the Liquor Industry.

    That has to be it, right?

  41. Blueb4sunrise

    It's fucking dinnertime in the desert. I'll be with you in liveblog spirits… drinking while I make the pasta stuff.
    Snark On!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. guangho

    Something about converting the corpses of people who were murdered for their religious beliefs away from said religious belief unsettles me.

  43. ttommyunger

    I don't know about baptism, but considering all those Stepford Sons who just happen to be his spittin' image, I can assume Mittens believes in burying the stiff.

  44. Bonghits4Jesus

    So glad to hear that Mittens believes in every delusional and contradictory tenet of that 1850s cult.

  45. Negropolis

    The fuck?! Check my church?! You mean the church where you held the rank of bishop? you are the fucking church, dude!

    Honestly, it what other evangelical faith would you direct someone to your church when explicity asked about it? Hell, in the time it took him weasel his way away from his church, a Southern Baptist would have already tried to baptize you and then damned you to hell for refusing.

    Just goes to show even Mitt knows how extra unbelievable the shit they sell is. Yeah, you're not a "cafeteria Mormon", but you wont even share you faith with the public. Give me a fuckin' break. You're a fraud all the way around and on every side. I've figured out what bugs me in particular about Mormonism: It's so incredibly cynical. I can almost forgive up to a point a religion founded before the Renaissance or Enlightment. Anything after, though, after we found out and discovered so much is a cynical fraud, plain and simple, and it burns me up. To boot, not only was Mormonism started after the Enlightenment, but it began after the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, and evolved concurrently with it. Mormonism doesn't have any excuse.

  46. GregComlish

    Of course Romney isn't a "cafeteria Mormon". He looks about as natural in a cafeteria as he does in a laundromat.

  47. LiveToServeYa

    If any of this were true, you'd think Mormons would be a little leery of shipping people out of their afterlives and into Mormonic heaven. They might not be in a great mood to be there. They might even bust some heads, in a spiritual sense of course. Actually, it might be more fun than non-Mormonic heaven.

  48. Ducksworthy

    That toilet bowl baptism thingie would be blasphemous if not for the fact the Mormonism is blasphemy.

  49. CessnaDriver

    Why don't the dumb MF'ers just baptize everyone that ever lived or died, regardless of whether or not they know the names of the deceased?

    Answer: MONEY

    The mormons and their genealogy BS are about money. They use their data base to go after the estates of deceased people trying to get nuisance settlements out of the estates-which they get 10 percent of!

    Brilliant!

    In California, we had to change the laws regarding wills to keep the mormons out of each and every probate.

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