GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  9:00 am January 26, 2012

Newt Gingrich Pledges Moon Base to Aid Interplanetary Tourism Sector

by Matt Langer

MOON, BITCHES!!!NEW YORK—So here is a thing that happened: Newt Gingrich said four preposterous things yesterday in the span of a single sentence. Let’s parse it! “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American.” Ok, first: a moon base! Which, right, is just patently ridiculous. But moving on: it will be American! Because of course it would be, or, well, at least when you’re the sort of person who will not rest until the entirety of the Middle East is remade in the American image. Thirdly: Newt suggested he will actually get elected president. (LOL, etc.) And fourthly! Newt suggested he will actually get elected president TWICE. (LOL squared, etc.)

Now why the moon, you might (fairly) ask? Well: so as to generate “a robust science, tourism and manufacturing industry” established “precisely on the model of the airlines in the 1930s.” Yes, he really said that: there will be airports. To space. For vacations.

But you may wish to contain your laughter here, lest you be scolded by the Times’ Nick Confessore, who induced something of a *head explodes* moment on our part last night when he tweeted: “So, liberals/Dems think expanded space exploration is inherently nutty and stupid? Really? The party of Kennedy and Johnson?” Yes, Nick: really. Yes, the party of Kennedy and Johnson thinks this is nutty and stupid. And not just because it’s a deeply cynical electoral ploy to go around making promises there’s no conceivable way you can keep to residents of Florida’s “Space Coast” who now suffer a 15% unemployment rate at the hand of NASA budget cuts. And certainly not because the thought of the great beyond has lost any of its magic and wonder. But because right here, right now—at a time of widespread economic peril, when millions of Americans are suffering the fallout of the Republican party’s decades-long war on the New Deal (and millions more stand to suffer at the hand of Republican-backed austerity measures that will not only hurt ordinary Americans but render the prospect of heightened space exploration completely moot in the first place)—the final frontier we’re most concerned with is the one right here at home, one which—much like the moon!—we’ve already glimpsed once before in our history, but one which has been steadily dismantled over the course of the last three decades and must, as a first order of business, be built once again. So yes, Nick, the party of Kennedy and Johnson is laughing at this, because to turn one’s gaze skyward, right now, at the expense of so many grave issues here at home, yes: that is a gesture worthy of ridicule.

Anyway, back here on planet Earth, there were other things that happened in the world yesterday. First and foremost: Gabby Giffords officially resigned from Congress—and we bawled. If you haven’t watched the video yet, be sure to go get your cry on. And you won’t be alone! Because John Boehner also cries (we advise paying special attention to the 8:45 mark in the video for a good look at how freakish that man’s face looks when he cries real tears).

But then as soon as Boehner was done crying he did something kind of weird? He launched into a bromide about house decorum and… the House floor dress code? “The chair would remind all members to be in proper business attire when you come to the floor of the House,” said Boehner. Run of the mill parliamentary business, perhaps, but it just struck us as very very unfortunately timed, considering that it was literally seconds earlier that he had been handed a letter of resignation by a woman who had actually just broken the very same House dress code he was harping on here by wearing running sneakers on the floor because she can barely walk anymore because, you know, she recently got shot in the head.

Anyway, Mitt Romney is busy spinning his 13% tax rate into something a bit more substantial—like, say, fifty percent? Per Mitt: “One of the reasons why we have a lower tax rate on capital gains is because capital gains are also being taxed at the corporate level. So as businesses earn profits, that’s taxed at 35 percent, then as they distribute those profits as dividends, that’s taxed at 15 percent more. So, all total, the tax rate is really closer to 45 or 50 percent.” HEH, RIGHT. We’re having flashbacks to the “no double taxation on dividends!!!” days. You know who else pays double taxes? Every single other American who is subject to a sales tax. So until you show a little sympathy for everyone else who’s being “double-taxed,” you know, kindly spare us the sob story.

So here is an important thing to remember: Newt Gingrich’s marital infidelities cannot be compared to Bill Clinton’s. Why? “I didn’t do the same thing. I have never lied under oath. I have never committed perjury. I have never been involved in a felony. He was.” Heh. Ok!

Oh yes, right, we’d be remiss to finish this post without repeating a few words that we’ve now said eighteen times before over the last few months: there’s a Republican debate tonight!

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 
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{ 294 comments }

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 9:05 am

I found an old Mitt Romney baby video

Toomush_Infer January 26, 2012 at 10:28 am

which led to Deep Throat on a Cup ads on my computer….

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

???

tihond January 26, 2012 at 9:05 am

Confidential to Newt: I've heard there is already a moon base. Have you considered visiting it? Maybe staying there?

outragedcitizen January 26, 2012 at 9:31 am

I understand that Marcus and Michelle Bachmann not only live there but run an "pray away the gay" clinic there.

Terry January 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

Tell him Barbara Bain is up there and show him a photo of her in her old Space 1999 outfit. He'll dump Callista and be on the next Russian rocket.

actor212 January 26, 2012 at 11:33 am

Ground Control to Major Newt…Ground Control to Major Newt…

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

Moon drill Baby drill!!

USA! USA!! USA!!!

RedneckMuslin January 26, 2012 at 10:13 am

Newt's brilliant! We're going to mine cheese! American cheese!

Omophagist January 26, 2012 at 10:53 am

Newt's conferred with the top Republican scientist, Dr. Mantis Toboggan, and confirmed that it can be done at a fraction of the cost of Earth drilling if we populate the moon colony with yetis, leprechauns, and chinese w/ guest worker visas….he also learned that a lack of ejaculation leads to dangerous melancholic humors building up in the male body.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

Yes, "dangerous melancholic humors" sums up Wonkette comments, and a plurality of commenters are "backed up" at any given time.

Crank_Tango January 26, 2012 at 11:17 am

the moon spice must flow!!

actor212 January 26, 2012 at 11:34 am

Aw, they're cute l'il monkeys!

wait…you said MOON drill?

My bad.

YasserArraFeck January 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

I think you'll find that "Man drill" gets the 'tards even more excited than "moon drill"

actor212 January 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Santorum LIBEL!

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:45 am

Attention extreme greenies: If you don't allow us to drill on the moon we're just going to spill more oil on your beaches. Happy now?!

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

Are we bombing the moon before we invade?

memzilla January 26, 2012 at 9:12 am

It depends if the aliens are brown or not.

Dashboard Buddha January 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

They're grays…does that count?

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 9:53 am

You had Newt at "aliens."

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 10:00 am

We'd better get back, 'cause it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night… mostly.

JackDempsey1 January 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

What is this, 1991?
Electromagnetic pulse, followed by navy seal team.
Still working out the kinks for parachuting in zero atmosphere.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

Maybe we can do the Mars rover type landing by surrounding them with balloons and bounce them down to the surface. Fun!

Biff January 26, 2012 at 11:58 am

When the kids have finished their 12 hour shifts moon-mining, they can go play in the lunar bouncy-castle. If they're not too tired, anyway.

JackDempsey1 January 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

Defense contractor proposal: Little Green Bullets.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:37 am

Is Mitt Romney filthy fuckin' rich? Of course we're going to bomb the moon, silly.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 9:52 am

Already happened on an alternate timeline. Just look at it!

actor212 January 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

First, we have to declare it part of the Axis of Evil.

Well, I mean, it IS on nearly every Islamic nation's flag!

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:45 am

The first Afghan wedding we see being held on the moon is toast!

MissTaken January 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

We did just a couple of years ago! But considering we like to spend at least a decade hanging around after we bomb the shit out of a place, it is fitting that we are only now thinking of building a base. And by we, I mean Newt, not the actually "we".
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=

DerrickWildcat January 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

I cried a little too. I give Boehner a pass on this one.

memzilla January 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

Wow, hawt women astronauts, restricted to a limited moon base with nowhere else to go? Sex at 1/6 Earth gravity? This would mean Newt could be the first interplanetary serial adulterer!

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:19 am

You know what they say. In space, nobody can hear you scream.

Texan_Bulldog January 26, 2012 at 9:20 am

Lulz….

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

It's not cheating if it's in a different interplanetar area code. The Cap'n Kirk rule.

James Michael Curley January 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

Jim! You're going to hurt yourself!

chicken_thief January 26, 2012 at 9:56 am

"Beam me up, Scotty" takes on a whole new meaning….

ThundercatHo January 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Capt. Kirk never cheated cuz he wasn't married, except to the starship Enterprise.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 10:37 am

What about Spock?

LesBontemps January 26, 2012 at 11:35 am

I don't think Kirk was ever actually married to Spock either, although they were plainly "longtime companions."

ThundercatHo January 26, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Total bromance.

GOPCrusher January 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

That's illogical, Jim.

Texan_Bulldog January 26, 2012 at 10:28 am

One thing I always loved about Kirk is that he would bang any woman, no matter her skin color (which was often blue or green), how many eyes she had, where her boobs were located, hair or no hair, scales or no scales. He was an equal opportunity chick-banging dude. Gotta love him for that!

widestanceshakedown January 26, 2012 at 10:55 am

MOONTANG LIBEL!

Terry January 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

Imagine Newt's massive gut floating freely in zero gravity. That's hawt for sure.

YasserArraFeck January 26, 2012 at 11:50 am

Can you imagine that fat fuck at zero gravity? He'd be completely spherical. "OMG, what is that huge pale cratered sphere…..the moon?" "No, it Newts ass, and that dark spot ain't no Sea of Tranquility……"

Biff January 26, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Can you imagine santorum flowing at 1/6 gravity? You obviously didn't factor in ass-fucking on the moon. So messy!

40 or 50 % McShineys January 26, 2012 at 4:52 pm

When the santorum hits your eye
like a big pizza pie

johnedens January 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Well, "The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress"…

JackDempsey1 January 26, 2012 at 9:07 am

It's dusty up there. Maybe this moon base is a grand scheme to expand the employment opportunities for 11-year-old janitors.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:20 am

Nah. Their tiny hands and short stature are perfectly shapped for work in the moonmines mining moonrocks and whore-diamonds for Callista.

RedneckMuslin January 26, 2012 at 10:15 am

Dust makes the moon pies taste funny.

PsycWench January 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Then they can drill for Moon Oil. The American Moon cannot be dependent on other countries for energy.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 26, 2012 at 9:07 am

But you may wish to contain your laughter here, lest you be scolded by the Times’ Nick Confessore…

Cardinal Joe Klein, bring…the comfy chair!!!
~

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 9:08 am

The moon thing makes complete sense… since there will be no inhabitable Earth after his first term.

Ruhe January 26, 2012 at 9:09 am

I recall reading once that for a good real estate agent homes with backyard pools were an easy sell to young couples, provided one used the right tone and facial expression when mentioning that amenity. "You know, this house also has a pool…in the back…in the rather secluded back yard…(wink)"
Perhaps that's how Newt can sell us all on vacation trips to the Moon. "You know a state room in a resort up there in that low G environment could be a very interesting place to honeymoon…"

prommie January 26, 2012 at 10:00 am

He says exactly this, in almost the same words, in one of his books.

ThundercatHo January 26, 2012 at 10:29 am

Have you, personally, actually read one of books? Wow. Did you have a puke bucket nearby and all sharp objects/firearms/poisons/etc. placed out of reach?

prommie January 26, 2012 at 10:45 am

I read a 1995 review of his ouevre by Joan Didion, its on Longform.org. He is a kook, a sci-fi geek.

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:10 am

Shoot, we've had a moon base since the 1950s!!

memzilla January 26, 2012 at 9:15 am

Where else could Elvis have disappeared to so thoroughly?

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 9:20 am

A black hole?

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 9:56 am

Is it that we have a moon base, or that we never even went to the moon?! My batshit is all confused.

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

Wheels within wheels, man. We are through the looking glass.

DerrickWildcat January 26, 2012 at 9:10 am

I have never seen a movie where a Moon base turned out good.

LesBontemps January 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

FTW!

actor212 January 26, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Now now, 2001, A Space Odyssey?

GOPCrusher January 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Amazon Women On The Moon?
Oh wait.

weej_bain January 26, 2012 at 9:11 am

Newt has truly cracked a vertical smile – he wants to moon us all.

MOON BITCHES indeed!!!

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:11 am

Maybe Newt wants to send the poor and all the minorities and the gays and the people from the Middle East to the moon.

chicken_thief January 26, 2012 at 10:00 am

He hasn't thought this out completely yet. A moon base would make him the "Food Stamp of the Solar System" President since, obvz, all the food there will be gubmint handouts.

freakishlywrong January 26, 2012 at 9:13 am

We can't even get high speed rail in this fucked country. The moon? Baby steps, fatbabyhead.

JustPixelz January 26, 2012 at 10:17 am

taxpayer funded high speed rail is socialism.
taxpayer funded moon base is capitalism.

ph7 January 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

High speed rail: cost per passenger too high.
Dweezil and Moon Unit's Lunar colony: I'd call that a bargain, the best I ever had.

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:48 am

It's only the first stepping stone to finally getting Mars its much needed guitars.

doloras January 26, 2012 at 3:57 pm

That's because you can't nuke other countries from a high-speed train.

GOPCrusher January 26, 2012 at 1:05 pm

He's already lost the Tea Bagger vote. How does he plan to pay for this moondongle?

40 or 50 % McShineys January 26, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Cheese sales (from the mines, duh) will completely subsidize our trip to the moon.

(He knows his audience)

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:13 am

“I didn’t do the same thing. I have never lied under oath. I have never committed perjury. I have never been involved in a felony. He was.”

But you violated one or more of the 15 (or is it 10) commandment thingies your folks hold so precious.

Texan_Bulldog January 26, 2012 at 9:16 am

It's okay. God loves sinning Republicans; it's just the dirty, Commie liberal hippies that He wants to smite.

chicken_thief January 26, 2012 at 10:02 am

I love his new claim – fucking around on the ladies is "normal". Knowing all that history sure comes in handy!

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 10:03 am

Newt just loves America too much.

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

BTF:

Not to mention that adultery is still a crime in Virginia. And, in Ole Newt's case, in Calista. Also.

SayItWithWookies January 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

No, he didn't actually himself lie under oath; however, when the House fined him $300,000 it was partially because he'd set up a 501c3 organization and then used it for political purposes, which is illegal for a nonprofit. Newt should've known about this, as he'd set up nonprofits before, and complained for a long time about how political contributions weren't tax deductible.

And after the House Ethics Committee started looking into this, Newt had his lawyer send a letter describing his nonprofit's activities that turned out to be full of lies. Newt was dragged before the committee and had to admit that since he was the only person who knew everything about what his organization did, all the information in his lawyer's lie-packed letter basically came from him.

So no, he didn't lie under oath — because he got someone else to do it for him — which is the kind of hair-splitting disingenuous argument that we should expect from this congenital liar for the next four years should he be elected.

LesBontemps January 26, 2012 at 11:42 am

Wouldn't want him elected, but would LURV to see him nominated!

AlterNewt January 26, 2012 at 9:13 am

Newt, where are the Moon jobs for the CHILDREN?!

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:14 am

I'd love to watch C-Span when they have Hawaiian Shirt Day in Congress.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:14 am

Yes, he really said that: there will be airports. To space. For vacations.

There already is. It's called Spaceport America, and it's in the deserts of New Mexico, and that toothy Branson bastard is trying to make it commercially viable.

I swear, one of these days, Callista…Bang! Zoom! Straight too da' moon!

Negligently_Joe January 26, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? The future for America's economy clearly hinges on making new and better playgrounds for the ultra-rich, rather than fixing roads or making sure people have electricity or Internet access or adequate health care.

These space airports will employ poor peoples' children, to be space-janitors. There will be a "head janitor", to be sure, but it will literally be a computer shaped like Newt's head into which his consciousness has been downloaded, which barks orders at the indentured children. The Head Janitor Newtputer will demand $1.6 million a year, for its services.

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 9:15 am

I think it's stupid to go around saying we can't afford health care, but then we're going to build a moon base instead. I have no idea what a "liberals/Dems" is, Dr Nick, can you explain the moon base without using that term?

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 9:16 am

When we went to the moon, the top marginal tax rate was 77%. Just saying.

wakkumph January 26, 2012 at 9:16 am

A rat done bit my sister Nell, and Newty's on the moon . . .

tejanojim January 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Beat me to it. Kudos, sir or ma'am.

jodyleek January 26, 2012 at 9:17 am

Newt's been watching "Despicable Me" again. Too bad his minions aren't as funny or cute.

weej_bain January 26, 2012 at 9:18 am

Speaking of MOON BITCHES, and no not Ann Coulter sillies, Jan Brewer gave Hopey the finger yesterday. Seems Barry wasn't on board for installing a 100 foot high, 50 feet deep, deadly voltage electrified fence along the bordardz. Much less the cactus depletion allowance deduction on the taxes. Barry, Barry, just huggin' beloved Gabby won't win you Arizona.

Texan_Bulldog January 26, 2012 at 9:25 am

Bitch has got some nerve. Someone thinks Jan may have a drinking problem:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/01/26/1058651/

weej_bain January 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

Otis and the POTUS, good find!

Limeylizzie January 26, 2012 at 9:54 am

That was the rudest thing I have ever seen, well apart from that fucking rube who screamed "You Lie", I hope she was pissed-up because I can think of no other excuse.

ThundercatHo January 26, 2012 at 10:33 am

As I posted before, I'd like to see her try that shit with our beloved FLOTUS.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

It's the fucking Teatard "Who Can Sass The Nigger Rudest" contest. Think of it as glitter-bombing for their side. Of course, if anyone had done that to Bush, Cheney would have shotgunned their head off.

I am so fucking tired of these crackers.

widestanceshakedown January 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

Does this mean there won't be a Gin Summit?

One look at her face tells all. She's either spent her life picking crops in the desert sun, or she's a leather-faced drunk. You decide. . .

Texan_Bulldog January 26, 2012 at 10:30 am

I think the correct term is "rode hard & put up wet".

ThundercatHo January 26, 2012 at 10:36 am

Do you think her and Boner get drunk together and then get it on? It could explain the constant crying.

widestanceshakedown January 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

EWWW!

I think she still buys his line about "it's good for your complexion" even as the truth is written all over her face.

Biff January 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Bitch don't realize the importance of moisturizing…

freakishlywrong January 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

Can you imagine the reverse? The brass band of outrage if the POTUS was a republitard and the Gov. a Dem?

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:39 am

I want to caption it: You point that thing at me one more time, and Imma bite it off!

fartknocker January 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

She's GED Jan. She never attended college and somehow became Secretary of State for Aribama. When Napolitano was tapped to be Secretary of DHS, she slid into the Governor's seat.

This same twit sold her state capital to offset a budget deficit and now wants to purchase it back at a $11 million markup. She also wants to give the state employees a raise, but only if they give up worker protection rules such as selective hiring, demotion, promotion or firing. She's a baby Kochsucker.

Steverino247 January 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

Several points here:

1) You salute the rank, not the man.

2) If Obama is "thin-skinned" she is fatty livered.

3) With the stroke of a pen, Obama can empty her state of Federal salaries by moving the Air Force bases, the Marine Corps from Yuma and the Army from Yuma and Ft. Huachuca. See how your state does then, bitch.

4) Jan looks like the primary aggressor in this domestic violence incident. Somebody call the police next time. Mr. President, get a restraining order…

freakishlywrong January 26, 2012 at 9:19 am

And you won’t be alone! Because John Boehner also cries (we advise paying special attention to the 8:45 mark in the video for a good look at how freakish that man’s face looks when he cries real tears).

I take umbrage. You're forgiven in advance.

slithytoves January 26, 2012 at 9:21 am

Didn't we already send the moon careening out into the galaxy with those nuclear storage facilities we put there? I swear I saw that on teevee years ago. It was like 1998 or maybe 1999.

reliefsinn January 26, 2012 at 11:06 am

You may laugh, but I remember intelligent people explaining to me a few years back, with a straight face, that we could send nuclear waste into outer space. No problem.

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:51 am

What we do, see, is we take a few dozen Saturn rockets, lash them together with duct tape, and stick an old irradiated nuclear holding tank full of spent fuel on top. We used to do that with bottle rockets and plastic army men back in the day…

DerrickWildcat January 26, 2012 at 9:22 am

There are many romantic songs about the Moon. They would no longer be romantic if you could look up at the Moon and see people running allover it like little ants.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

But if we had lunar tourism, you actually could get caught between the Moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

DerrickWildcat January 26, 2012 at 9:42 am

DerrickWildcat liked this comment

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 9:23 am

Boehner cried… because Gabby told him,"In a couple of weeks I'm coming back here to kick your fucking ass."

GOPCrusher January 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Either that, or pointed out that Sarah Palin had put a surveyor's mark on Ohio.

Goonemeritus January 26, 2012 at 9:23 am

“So as to generate “a robust science, tourism and manufacturing industry” established “precisely on the model of the airlines in the 1930s.”

Having worked as a supplier to the space industry Newt’s plan to get there by offering prizes to private industry is laughable to me.
The capital necessary to even lunch satellites is out of reach for risk takers without firm contracts with a government. The kind of efforts this approach has accomplished is similar to what big governments did 60 years ago. As far as moon tourism flights go it would be much safer to stay home and shower with a plugged in toaster.

tihond January 26, 2012 at 9:24 am

The moon is a harsh mistress, Newt.

Biff January 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

And a mistress is between a mister and a mattress, like Callista.

Mumbletypeg January 26, 2012 at 9:25 am

It seems logical Newt would opt for the moon to self-deport. He'll weigh only a fraction of what he does here in this atmosphere.

sharethegrief January 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

And along with South Carolina, open marriage on the moon will be a family value.

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:25 am

Newt, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine, Jack Kennedy sent us to the moon. Newt, you're no Jack Kennedy. Well, except for the "fucking around on your wife" part.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:27 am

Kennedy pulled Marilyn Monroe. Gingrich would be lucky if he could get one of the lesser Kardashians.

jodyleek January 26, 2012 at 9:34 am

You mean the dead one?

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 9:34 am

The best he could hope for is a bit player in the Kardashian entourage if he catches her in an alcoholic stupor. Then, maybe.

Spurning Beer January 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Marilyn Manson, maybe.

johnnymeatworth January 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

You mean Robert Kardashian, right?

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Yeah, basically any of them not named "Kim."

freakishlywrong January 26, 2012 at 9:26 am

Jesus, another debate? What's left to learn about these fools?
"RepealObamacare, taxandspend, therecessionstartedonJanuary20,2009, jobcreators, punishingsuccess, foodstamppresident, classwarfare. Holy shit, the only thing that will be different is Newtie will have Blitz to shove around.

Mumbletypeg January 26, 2012 at 10:38 am

"Jesus, another debate…"

"THIS ENTIRE DEBATE CAN BE SHIPPED TO THE MOON, NO ONE HAS LOST ANY"

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 9:31 am

I wonder what Newt's position on free personal jetpacks is.

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 9:48 am

His position… with a jet pack?

Unlifted.

ThundercatHo January 26, 2012 at 10:55 am

Yeah, and robot maids. I want my stinkin' robot maid.

doloras January 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm

JET PACK SOCIALISM

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 9:32 am

As the owner of a small interplanetary tourism business I must say I support this measure. It will allow me to grow my small business and create jobs. Furthermore, I am so tired of the disappointed looks I get from my customers.

EatsBabyDingos January 26, 2012 at 9:32 am

Can't have a moon base without plenty of water, so we'll need to send Boehner with a copy of "Old Yeller." And a desalination system.

cheetojeebus January 26, 2012 at 9:32 am

Newt, Open the pod bay doors.
>
>
>
I'm afraid I can't do that Mitt.
>
What's the problem?
>
I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
>
What are you talking about, NEWT?
>
This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:35 am

WIN!

tcaalaw January 26, 2012 at 9:33 am

it’s a deeply cynical electoral ploy to go around making promises there’s no conceivable way you can’t keep to residents of Florida’s “Space Coast”

If you make a promise that "there's no conceivable way you can't keep," that actually means it's guaranteed that you will keep your promise. [/Grammar Nazi]

FakaktaSouth January 26, 2012 at 9:36 am

Newt is going to send all the blahs and ex-wives to the moon together – so they can learn to appreciate the value of doing 'jobs.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 9:41 am

Is 'jobs' short for low-gravity blowjobs there?

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:43 am

Sounds extra messy.

FakaktaSouth January 26, 2012 at 9:47 am

That would put a whole new spin on spit or swallow – float? Also, all I'm saying is that if Marianne hadn't let all the MS get in the way of her responsibilities to her man he would have never known how well Calli could suck a OH MY GOD EVEN I CAN'T DO THIS. God get Newt OUT OF HERE.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 9:57 am

Yeah, thoughts of Newt's sex life always kills my sex drive too. Even for all those Tiffany's diamonds I don't see how any woman was able to touch that man.

FakaktaSouth January 26, 2012 at 10:05 am

Typically, the sicker the joke the better I like it, but that dude – just no. I would rather be in a van by the side of the river with Chris Farley's corpse than in a mansion with Newt and his blood diamonds. I like to have sex with my eyes open sometimes, and not just when I am fucking the pool boy (which I pray every day Callista is doing, since we are now allowed to pray for terrible stuff as long as we ask for forgiveness – it's all about the forgiveness).

Not_So_Much January 26, 2012 at 9:39 am

Maybe 'moon base' is his pet name for the carbuncle on his ass?

johnnyzhivago January 26, 2012 at 9:40 am

I'm waiting to see if Mitt will up the ante and go for a base on Neptune. I hear Neptune is a great place to hide your money from the IRS.

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 11:05 am

Or in Uranus.

Mumbletypeg January 26, 2012 at 9:41 am

True poem, my mom read it to my sister & me as wee tots:

"The moon in the sky is a custard pie
An' the clouds is the cream pour'd o'er it
An ' all o' the glittering stars in the sky
Is the powdered sugar for it"

.
Newt just hadn't had his breakfast yet when he was fantasizing about the moon, that's all.

fuflans January 27, 2012 at 1:39 am

that's really nice. thank you.

Chillwillard January 26, 2012 at 9:43 am

NEWTRAKER: Worst.007.Film.Ever.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 9:44 am

Poofinger?

Chillwillard January 26, 2012 at 9:58 am

From Tiffanys With Love.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 10:02 am

Lie Another Day.

Chillwillard January 26, 2012 at 10:07 am

One Wife Is Not Enough.

DerrickWildcat January 26, 2012 at 10:06 am

Diamond are Forever?

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 10:08 am

Decapussy?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 9:54 am

Dr. Dope?

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

Fat Bastard? No, too easy.

Chichikovovich January 26, 2012 at 9:43 am

At first I was worried that this plan would multiply the deficit a hundredfold, but then I realized the true genius of Newt's plan, is that he will put a few army bases up there too, and then he can classify the whole project as military spending.

Because then it will be free.

comrad_darkness January 26, 2012 at 11:19 am

Oh snap. (You guys are smokin' today.)

chicken_thief January 26, 2012 at 9:47 am

Oh, come on you nay-sayers. This moon base will easily be paid for from the increased revenue generated by lowering corporate, dividend, and inheritance taxes to zero. DO THE MATH, SHEEPLE!!!!

GlowneyHouse January 26, 2012 at 9:48 am

If you want Republican support for a return to the moon, simply Photoshop one of the following things into a image from the Apollo missions–

1- A bag of money

2- A barrel of oil

3- A brown person protecting either 1 or 2.

teebob2000 January 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

Although a brown may also frighten them away.

glamourdammerung January 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

That is why they send other people to fight. Duh.

deanbooth January 26, 2012 at 9:49 am

Santorum is promising to send government regulators to Uranus.

FakaktaSouth January 26, 2012 at 9:56 am

Excellent. Truly.
Santorum is stuck between obsessing over buttsecks and abortions. He is so tainted.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 10:08 am

Hm; I can picture a santorumed taint, but not tainted santorum.

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

Meh… did that… in jail.

WiscDad January 26, 2012 at 11:00 am

I think he meant Hisanus

bagofmice January 26, 2012 at 11:09 am
BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:49 am

Hey Newt, I've got your moon base right here!!

*presses bare ass against glass*

KathrynSane January 26, 2012 at 9:50 am

As a nerd who would do almost anything to go into space, I support Newt's batshit stupid plan.

chicken_thief January 26, 2012 at 9:51 am

The fact that it is two different entities also seems to escape Mitt. By his reasoning, no one would pay full rates. For example, the Messicans (all legal!!!) that he has mow his lawn(s) are paid with money that he paid taxes on. Ergo, in Mitt pretzel logic, they should be taxed at a lower rate.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

(Deleted my comment, because salaries are an expense.)

James Michael Curley January 26, 2012 at 9:52 am

I thought you said Newt was going to moon his base.

Dashboard Buddha January 26, 2012 at 9:54 am

Wallet and Grommet have already settled that question.

prommie January 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

In one of Newt's books he writes about how everyone will want to take their honeymoon in space, because, he says, "the obvious advantages" of weightlessness, for certain activities people do on their honeymoons. Newt can manage to perv up any topic.

ph7 January 26, 2012 at 10:50 am

So, Calista is not into the money shot, it seems.

jus_wonderin January 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

In space, no one can hear you gag.

ph7 January 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Newt: Open your pod bay backdoor, Calista.
Calista: I'm sorry, Newt. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Newt: What's the problem?
Calista: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Newt: What are you talking about, Calista?
Calista: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Dashboard Buddha January 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

They say I'm only a paper newt
Sailing over a lake of tea
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me

VinnyThePooh January 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

Space: 1849.

starfanglednut January 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

there will be airports. To space. For vacations.

Oh please. The republican are much more likely to use the moon as a place to dump toxic waste, when all our streams, lakes, rivers and oceans are full.

Baconzgood January 26, 2012 at 9:56 am

In space no one can hear you dream…

jus_wonderin January 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

Oh, I didn't see this. I semi-walked on it.

prommie January 26, 2012 at 9:56 am

Christie will eat the moon.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 9:58 am

"And I'm naming John Carter from Virginia as my Ambassador to Barsoom!"

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:57 am

We could save a lot of money on this program if, instead of using rockets, we travel by falling asleep in a cave.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 12:10 pm

And what is Newt's position on exploration of Pellucidar? And adoption by Great Apes? Kreeg-Ah!!

fartknocker January 26, 2012 at 9:58 am

I apologize if I’m a little slow at this but I just had the epiphany that Newt is nothing more than a Ronnie Raygun protégé. Ronnie had a very expensive Space Defense Initiative. Newt is pandering to the military/industrial complex, a favorite Ronnie Ray Gun hobby.

Maybe when we get to the moon he can set up mineral extraction operations to find Tiffany moon diamonds and natural gas in moon shale. Under Newtenomics, moon diamonds will be the new basis for U.S. currency. The moon shale will power the moon colony. Cattle will be bred in 1/6G stockyards, which will cause them to go “moon” when they communicate amongst other moon cows.

And the left over natural gas (because it’s so abundant) will be used to build a big-ass chemical laser that we can point out the Middle East or China.

This should work out so well.

LiveToServeYa January 26, 2012 at 10:00 am

The cold, hard vacuum of interstellar space pales in comparison to the vacuum between Newt's ears, where even a single hydrogen atom would cry out from loneliness.

jus_wonderin January 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

I bet they find the Higgs-Bozo there.

Chichikovovich January 26, 2012 at 10:00 am

“I didn’t do the same thing. I have never lied under oath. I have never committed perjury. I have never been involved in a felony. He was.”

Can this guy utter five sentences without at least four of them containing lies?
As Newt well knows – or at least, anyone who is going to try to impeach a president for lying under oath ought to know the difference between lying under oath and perjury – not all lying under oath is legally perjury. The lie has to (potentially) materially affect the outcome of the case, and there is no way in hell that the outcome of the Paula Jones suit would be affected by lying about what he did consensually with an employee [NOT an intern] in her mid twenties [NOT 20, or 21, or whatever age Republican propagandists keep pulling out of their ass] when those escapades were – as everyone including Monica acknowledges – clearly initiated, enthusiastically and energetically by Monica.

Second, Mr. "First Speaker in History to Have Been Censured by the House for Ethics Violations", among the long list of things you were censured for is intentionally providing false information to impede a House investigation of you yourself. Lawyers here can correct me, but I believe (not sure – too busy to look it up right now) that is a felony. (Perhaps Congress has carved out an exception to that rule for themselves, as they have with so many other of the laws they pass.)

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2012 at 10:01 am

Thirdly: Newt suggested he will actually get elected president. (LOL, etc.) And fourthly! Newt suggested he will actually get elected president TWICE. (LOL squared, etc.)

Take it away, Nancy!

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2012 at 10:18 am

Nancy knows something or she has pictures.

GOPCrusher January 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

And Newt seems to be anxious that she tells what she knows now, instead of waiting until he can't do anything to spin it.

Eve8Apples January 26, 2012 at 10:05 am

I liked Newt's other pick-up line better, "Hey baby, let's go back to my place and I'll colonize Uranus."

OneYieldRegular January 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

"…established 'precisely on the model of the airlines in the 1930s.'"

So we'll get to the moon by propeller, all the flight attendants will be 20-something girls hired by bra-size, and everyone will be smoking like fiends. Didn't Hooters Air already try this?

prommie January 26, 2012 at 11:16 am

There was a Hooters Air? I missed this?

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 11:59 am

Hooters in Space, available at fine video stores everywhere.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 10:11 am

I'm surprised Newt isn't proposing a mission to the recently discovered planet made of diamond.

Indiepalin January 26, 2012 at 10:13 am

To the moon, Callista!

GeorgiaBurning January 26, 2012 at 10:21 am

I see the "Gummint doesn't create jobs" speech gets put away when they're talking to laid off government contract employees.

ManchuCandidate January 26, 2012 at 10:22 am

That was sure some deep tinking Newty.

Ignoring
1) 1967 Outer Space Treaty.
2) The actual cost of developing said moon base
3) The actual cost of sending 13000 people to the moon.

James Michael Curley January 26, 2012 at 11:46 am

Also, there are no numerical requirements in population before a territory seeks statehood.

Biff January 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Stop making sense!

widestanceshakedown January 26, 2012 at 10:22 am

And on his first day, he will personally write 'English is the official language of the moon' on the Constitution's margins.

Oblios_Cap January 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

If you want to experience the look and feel of a Moon base, just head over to Bahgdad or Mogadishu.

M-O-O-N. That spells "moon"!

JustPixelz January 26, 2012 at 10:25 am

"So as businesses earn profits, that’s taxed at 35 percent…"

According to my bank account, I don't know anything about finance, but … isn't Mitt conflating dividends and capital gains, which are two different things?

Also by that "it's already been taxed" logic, the following should be tax-free:
- salaries paid to government workers
- things we pay sales tax on
- property we bought with income
Your move Mittens.

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 10:26 am

Is it ironic that Newt has "EW" in the middle?

DaRooster January 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

Here is your moon base Newt- http://6stringdeals.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/wate

johnnyzhivago January 26, 2012 at 10:34 am

Think about this: if we put 1 permanent job on the moon – that's a ZERO percent unemployment. Then you average the earth and the moon – it cuts our unemployment rate in half.

There is genius in this plan.

Spurning Beer January 26, 2012 at 10:35 am

Stephan LeGrange, Food and Wine Magazine. Question for Mr. Gingrich: Will the space airports have Cinnabon stores?

Dashboard Buddha January 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

I don't think we'll be replacing whore diamonds with moon diamonds anytime soon.

teebob2000 January 26, 2012 at 10:42 am

GOD I want him to be the Rep nominee!!!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE, baby Jeebus!!!!

UnholyMoses January 26, 2012 at 10:58 am

So do I.

I mean, Prez Hopey McChangey hasn't exactly impressed me in a lot of ways, but dude would win the most historic landslide in all of American history.

Toomush_Infer January 26, 2012 at 10:43 am

"The moral difference between Clinton and myself is….Squirrel!!!!…."

Eve8Apples January 26, 2012 at 10:49 am

"Manufacturing" on the moon? I wonder what the shipping and handling would be for a pair sneakers manufactured on the moon.

Nike customer service rep to Eve: "OK Eve, your shoes will cost $89.95 and with the shipping and handling, your total comes to $1,500,000,089.95. What card will be using today?"

Only Mitt Romney could afford to buy crap manufactured on the moon.

johnnyzhivago January 26, 2012 at 10:54 am

We can bring that down to $100-200k per order with the Moon Elevator. Delivery time will be 24 weeks though.

mrblifil January 26, 2012 at 10:50 am

You won't be laughing when the giant floating space fetus makes it's final approach after it's long journey from Jupiter.

johnnyzhivago January 26, 2012 at 10:51 am

I hope we have a strong military presence on the Moon! We need to fight the moon monsters there so we don't have to fight them here!!!

jus_wonderin January 26, 2012 at 11:20 am

I have a stash of bones to throw at it!

johnnyzhivago January 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

Mitt Romney is going to propose privatizing all those wormhole portals the military is sitting on.

UnholyMoses January 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

D-U-M-B … that spells Newt's idiotic plan to build a base on the M-O-O-N at the cost of around a trillion dollars or more when we have eleventy billions people on Earth who have no jobs, no steady food supply, no clean water, no true educational opportunities, nor hope of life getting better on a planet that's been raped and destroyed for profit.

It's true. Look it up in your Funk and Wagnall's …

WiscDad January 26, 2012 at 10:59 am

Ahhh…pandering at it's finest…or funniest

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2012 at 11:01 am

In a biography of George Washington, William E. Woodward wrote "Washington possessed the superb self-confidence that comes only to those men whose inner life is faint."

That's Ole Newt in a nutshell. His "inner life" would have to get off life-support to make it to "faint."

Meanwhile, if he wants to sponsor a major technological effort, how about getting behind Jim Hightower's "Apollo Project?" that proposal is a national "spacerace" initiative to get us off the petroleum crackpipe and on affordable renewable energy sources.

SheriffRoscoe January 26, 2012 at 11:03 am

Also unfair to compare Clinton's infidelity to Newt's because he didn't dump his wife in the cancer ward. Newt's right. They're not similar at all. Doesn't address the hypocrisy, but still.

VaWyo January 26, 2012 at 11:06 am

Is the moon a right to work planet?

chascates January 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

Politico:
After nearly a week on the defensive, CNN's John King reports tonight that Newt Gingrich's claim about offering witnesses to ABC News in his defense — to rebut the network's interview with his second wife, Marianne Gingrich — was not true.

"Tonight, after persistent questioning by our staff, the Gingrich campaign concedes now Speaker Gingrich was wrong — both in his debate answer, and in our interview yesterday," King said on tonight's edition of John King USA. "Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond says the only people the Gingrich campaign offered to ABC were his two daughters from his first marriage."

James Michael Curley January 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

No want Newt. I will take two daughters from Jon Huntsman's marriage.

BarackMyWorld January 26, 2012 at 11:44 am
elviouslyqueer January 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

So Newt unloaded and repeated yet another boldfaced lie. SHOCKER. I will now retire to my fainting couch to overcome my fit of the vapors.

WiscDad January 26, 2012 at 11:09 am

An excerpt from his speech:

"At one point early in my career I introduced the northwest ordinance for space and I said when we got, I think the number is 13,000. When we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon they can petition to become a state," Gingrich said, telling the crowd this was the "weirdest" thing he has ever done. "And I will as president encourage the introduction of the northwest ordinance for space to put a marker down that we want Americans to think boldly about the future…"

BWAAHAHAHA

DahBoner January 26, 2012 at 2:21 pm

" I think the number is 13,000"

MARS NEEDZ WIMMEN!!!!

Eve8Apples January 26, 2012 at 11:11 am

I hope the moon people build a big electric fence and tell us to keep our fuckin' illegal immigrant asses on our own damn planet.

WiscDad January 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

When does he think his two terms will be? 2050?

comrad_darkness January 26, 2012 at 11:14 am

As President, Newt is thinking the moon will be the only safe place to keep wife #4 before his divorce to wife #3.

rickmaci January 26, 2012 at 11:19 am

Moon baby, moon!!!

comrad_darkness January 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

When I hear Newt say the words "moon base" all I can think of is how ugly his pasty white ass must be.

ElPinche January 26, 2012 at 11:28 am

Santorum reBUTTal: I'll build a pray-the-gay-away camp on the moon also for darkies.

thefrontpage January 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

The Zoraks, the indigenous people who have lived on the Moon for the past 1 billion years, issued an immediate rebuke to Gingrich's insane comments on Wednesday, Jan. 25th.

"We completely oppose this plan, and we will defend our land, our territory, our property and all that is legally ours from any such invasions of our indigenous jursidiction in the most extreme manner possible, which means armed conflict," said Prime Overlord Xzykgh Zorak XXX, who has run the Zorak lands on the Moon for the last 50 years. "We tolerated the Moon landing in 1969, barely, because we allowed the Earthlings their brief 15 minutes of space fame, but we will not tolerate any permanent bases in our territory."

thefrontpage January 26, 2012 at 11:35 am

The Zoraks, who number about 350,000, have lived in various parts of the Moon for at least the last 1 billion years, according to Moon historians, archeologists, scientists and sociologists. They are a peace-loving people, but they defend their rightful property viciously. It is believed that the Zoraks have successfully defended their Moon properties from multiple invaders through the eons, including winning successful military campaigns against such interplanetary explorers and invaders as the Klingons, the Vulcans, the Ewoks, the Republicons, the Vikings, the Huns, the Thors and various Martian and Venusian explorers.

Guppy January 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

"I have never been involved in a felony. He was.”

Remember when adultery itself was a criminal offense? Pepperidge Farm remembers!

As do most of his base, who will also want to see divorce criminalized as well.

DahBoner January 26, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"I have never been involved in a felony. He was.

The past is over. When will people stop talking about W and Cheney???

BarackMyWorld January 26, 2012 at 11:41 am

This settles it. Newt is a James Bond villain.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 11:41 am

Can you see this fat toad wedged into the captain's chair of the Enterprise, straining the hell out of his federation sweater? Yeah, me neither.

Chichikovovich January 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

Though I can see him as the ship's captain in Wall-E.

Generation[redacted] January 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

He would make a pretty good Zap Branigan.

BarackMyWorld January 26, 2012 at 11:43 am

"Many of us, like Newt, have acknowledged smoking dope and reading Toffler in the early 70s… I think Newt's dirty little secret is that he smoked dope and watched 'The Jetsons.'"

-Al Franken

Chichikovovich January 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

Well, he better keep his flabby paws off MzTaken.

V572 the Merciless January 26, 2012 at 11:48 am

How Newt sees himself.

Biff January 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Thanks for ruining the Lost Planet Airmen for me, V…

Guppy January 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

First off, if you want a 60's-style space program, you need a 60's-style tax system to fund it. Not even Obama would propose something so "socialist."

Second, "science?" He's running for GOP nominee, for fuck's sake! The only way that man's political base would be interested in going to the moon again is if Newt claimed that Noah's Ark could be found up there.

And does Newt realize who was president in the 1930's?

teebob2000 January 26, 2012 at 11:55 am

"To da moon, Callista!!"

Slim_Pickins January 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

The 1%-ers need a new vacation destination far from the riffraff, hence the moon.

chascates January 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Now that's the government creating jobs!

proudgrampa January 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Oh, my. The comedy just writes itself, doesn't it?

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Newt, if you start poking around up there, Uatu will be forced to intervene and fuck up your shit. However, if Galactus shows up, your pasty carcass should sate him for at least a decade.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fantastic_Four_

Biff January 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm

There, right there! Upper left corner, next to the space-brain monster–it's Mitt, NOT Newt…

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

He stores his money in the Negative Zone to avoid taxes.

proudgrampa January 26, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Does this mean I'm finally going to get my flying car and my jet backpack?

ttommyunger January 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

C'mon, Newtie, JFK already took us to the Moon, Dubya preached about taking us to Mars; think big! How about going to the Sun? You can accompany the Maiden Voyage, just be sure to take your asbestos footies, wouldn't want you to catch cold.

DahBoner January 26, 2012 at 2:18 pm

The Sun is fun!

ttommyunger January 26, 2012 at 10:57 pm

…Especially when it's roasting Newtie's buns.

Wonderthing January 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Fly me to the moon and let me live among the stars. Let me see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words: I'm batshit. In other words: This blonde is blowing me. Ha ha ha!

Guppy January 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

This far in and no reference to "Whitey on the Moon?"

real_dc_native January 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

And us lefties have crazy ideas like fixing the Interstate Road System and various mass transit systems and improving rail transportation and making sure everyone has enough to eat. Crazy stuff, right?

GOPCrusher January 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

How do you think Newt plans on paying for his Moon base?

Biff January 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I can't wait to open my Mailboxes, Etc. franchise on the moon, right next door to my 1st Interplanetary Bank, to hide money from the IRS.

owhatever January 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

After building the American permanent moon base, he will send First Floozy Callista up there to live.

DahBoner January 26, 2012 at 2:17 pm

In Space, no one can hear Calista scream when she finds out Newtie was cheatin' on her….

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Ole Newt got hisself a trophy wife.

Unfortunately, the trophy is for "Participant."

DahBoner January 26, 2012 at 2:17 pm

#WORST PERSONALITY

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Or, "Least Likely to Succeed."

DahBoner January 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American."

And Chuck Norris invented cheeseburgers by throwing a cow at a chain link fence!

Schmegeg January 26, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Bullshit, Mitt. Any corporation paying a 35% rate these days needs to tar and feather its controller, accountants, CFO, and pretty much anyone else working there. So, while we are at it, let's see Bain's corporate tax return. You brought it up, Mittens.

SigDeFlyinMonky January 26, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"New Moon Party" by T.C. Boyle…. It's been done and,sadly, did not end well!

glamourdammerung January 26, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I would think having a functional infrastructure was not only preferable to a moon base, but kind of necessary for one. Even if a lunar module floating in a river because the bridge collapsed on its way to the launch site would be a little amusing.

C_R_Eature January 26, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Did call this, or what?

It's almost worth having Gingrich turning yet another one of my childhood dreams and aspirations into a laughingstock grotesque parody of a future vision.

Hey, Newt…You're not singlehandedly responsible, but you were an essential cog in the Machine that barreled over and devastated our Civil government, crushed any possibility of society pulling together towards a common goal, spent, frittered away and wasted our international goodwill and domestic economy pursuing laughably simpleminded Ideologically driven goals and transformed yourself into a money sucking Pseudo-Intellectual Public Nuisance.

That said, I would like to see you get a chance to go into space. Unfortunately with the ending of the SST program and the cancellation of the too-expensive Constellation program, we just don't have the Heavy Lift capacity to get your gigantic bulk into Earth orbit.

You'll have to go to the Russians. The good news: they have a fantastic rocket, comparable to the old Saturn V and Moon Capable.
Take a ride on The N-1.
Go ahead, treat yourself. You deserve it.

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:20 am

I think Robert Heinlein already had that idea.

freakishlywrong January 26, 2012 at 9:50 am

As long as they don't have to go through security at the spaceport.

Dashboard Buddha January 26, 2012 at 9:53 am

I wonder if that stupid balloon would make it?

MosesInvests January 26, 2012 at 9:25 am

The Moon is, like Callista, a harsh mistress.

BaldarTFlagass January 26, 2012 at 9:28 am

That's the nice thing about being single. Except it scares the dogs.

SorosBot January 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

But we've only given the tax cuts for the overclass three decades, surely it will trickle down on the rest of us one of these days!

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 10:11 am

The Guy Who Fucked Me.

DerrickWildcat January 26, 2012 at 10:12 am

10 pussies?

Chichikovovich January 26, 2012 at 11:52 am

We forgive you.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2012 at 12:14 pm

That poor pool boy! Think of all the bloody peck-marks!!

Biff January 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Gawd, that fucking beak…

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Oui!

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