gifzette daily briefing

Newt Gingrich Pledges Moon Base to Aid Interplanetary Tourism Sector

MOON, BITCHES!!!NEW YORK—So here is a thing that happened: Newt Gingrich said four preposterous things yesterday in the span of a single sentence. Let’s parse it! “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American.” Ok, first: a moon base! Which, right, is just patently ridiculous. But moving on: it will be American! Because of course it would be, or, well, at least when you’re the sort of person who will not rest until the entirety of the Middle East is remade in the American image. Thirdly: Newt suggested he will actually get elected president. (LOL, etc.) And fourthly! Newt suggested he will actually get elected president TWICE. (LOL squared, etc.)

Now why the moon, you might (fairly) ask? Well: so as to generate “a robust science, tourism and manufacturing industry” established “precisely on the model of the airlines in the 1930s.” Yes, he really said that: there will be airports. To space. For vacations.

But you may wish to contain your laughter here, lest you be scolded by the Times’ Nick Confessore, who induced something of a *head explodes* moment on our part last night when he tweeted: “So, liberals/Dems think expanded space exploration is inherently nutty and stupid? Really? The party of Kennedy and Johnson?” Yes, Nick: really. Yes, the party of Kennedy and Johnson thinks this is nutty and stupid. And not just because it’s a deeply cynical electoral ploy to go around making promises there’s no conceivable way you can keep to residents of Florida’s “Space Coast” who now suffer a 15% unemployment rate at the hand of NASA budget cuts. And certainly not because the thought of the great beyond has lost any of its magic and wonder. But because right here, right now—at a time of widespread economic peril, when millions of Americans are suffering the fallout of the Republican party’s decades-long war on the New Deal (and millions more stand to suffer at the hand of Republican-backed austerity measures that will not only hurt ordinary Americans but render the prospect of heightened space exploration completely moot in the first place)—the final frontier we’re most concerned with is the one right here at home, one which—much like the moon!—we’ve already glimpsed once before in our history, but one which has been steadily dismantled over the course of the last three decades and must, as a first order of business, be built once again. So yes, Nick, the party of Kennedy and Johnson is laughing at this, because to turn one’s gaze skyward, right now, at the expense of so many grave issues here at home, yes: that is a gesture worthy of ridicule.

Anyway, back here on planet Earth, there were other things that happened in the world yesterday. First and foremost: Gabby Giffords officially resigned from Congress—and we bawled. If you haven’t watched the video yet, be sure to go get your cry on. And you won’t be alone! Because John Boehner also cries (we advise paying special attention to the 8:45 mark in the video for a good look at how freakish that man’s face looks when he cries real tears).

But then as soon as Boehner was done crying he did something kind of weird? He launched into a bromide about house decorum and… the House floor dress code? “The chair would remind all members to be in proper business attire when you come to the floor of the House,” said Boehner. Run of the mill parliamentary business, perhaps, but it just struck us as very very unfortunately timed, considering that it was literally seconds earlier that he had been handed a letter of resignation by a woman who had actually just broken the very same House dress code he was harping on here by wearing running sneakers on the floor because she can barely walk anymore because, you know, she recently got shot in the head.

Anyway, Mitt Romney is busy spinning his 13% tax rate into something a bit more substantial—like, say, fifty percent? Per Mitt: “One of the reasons why we have a lower tax rate on capital gains is because capital gains are also being taxed at the corporate level. So as businesses earn profits, that’s taxed at 35 percent, then as they distribute those profits as dividends, that’s taxed at 15 percent more. So, all total, the tax rate is really closer to 45 or 50 percent.” HEH, RIGHT. We’re having flashbacks to the “no double taxation on dividends!!!” days. You know who else pays double taxes? Every single other American who is subject to a sales tax. So until you show a little sympathy for everyone else who’s being “double-taxed,” you know, kindly spare us the sob story.

So here is an important thing to remember: Newt Gingrich’s marital infidelities cannot be compared to Bill Clinton’s. Why? “I didn’t do the same thing. I have never lied under oath. I have never committed perjury. I have never been involved in a felony. He was.” Heh. Ok!

Oh yes, right, we’d be remiss to finish this post without repeating a few words that we’ve now said eighteen times before over the last few months: there’s a Republican debate tonight!

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

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  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I found an old Mitt Romney baby video

    • Toomush_Infer

      which led to Deep Throat on a Cup ads on my computer….

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        ???

  • tihond

    Confidential to Newt: I've heard there is already a moon base. Have you considered visiting it? Maybe staying there?

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      I understand that Marcus and Michelle Bachmann not only live there but run an "pray away the gay" clinic there.

    • Terry

      Tell him Barbara Bain is up there and show him a photo of her in her old Space 1999 outfit. He'll dump Callista and be on the next Russian rocket.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ground Control to Major Newt…Ground Control to Major Newt…

  • DaRooster

    Moon drill Baby drill!!

    USA! USA!! USA!!!

    • RedneckMuslin

      Newt's brilliant! We're going to mine cheese! American cheese!

    • Omophagist

      Newt's conferred with the top Republican scientist, Dr. Mantis Toboggan, and confirmed that it can be done at a fraction of the cost of Earth drilling if we populate the moon colony with yetis, leprechauns, and chinese w/ guest worker visas….he also learned that a lack of ejaculation leads to dangerous melancholic humors building up in the male body.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Yes, "dangerous melancholic humors" sums up Wonkette comments, and a plurality of commenters are "backed up" at any given time.

    • Crank_Tango

      the moon spice must flow!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Aw, they're cute l'il monkeys!

      wait…you said MOON drill?

      My bad.

      • YasserArraFeck

        I think you'll find that "Man drill" gets the 'tards even more excited than "moon drill"

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Santorum LIBEL!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Attention extreme greenies: If you don't allow us to drill on the moon we're just going to spill more oil on your beaches. Happy now?!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Are we bombing the moon before we invade?

    • memzilla

      It depends if the aliens are brown or not.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        They're grays…does that count?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        You had Newt at "aliens."

        • BaldarTFlagass

          We'd better get back, 'cause it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night… mostly.

    • JackDempsey1

      What is this, 1991?
      Electromagnetic pulse, followed by navy seal team.
      Still working out the kinks for parachuting in zero atmosphere.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Maybe we can do the Mars rover type landing by surrounding them with balloons and bounce them down to the surface. Fun!

        • Biff

          When the kids have finished their 12 hour shifts moon-mining, they can go play in the lunar bouncy-castle. If they're not too tired, anyway.

    • JackDempsey1

      Defense contractor proposal: Little Green Bullets.

    • Negropolis

      Is Mitt Romney filthy fuckin' rich? Of course we're going to bomb the moon, silly.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Already happened on an alternate timeline. Just look at it!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      First, we have to declare it part of the Axis of Evil.

      Well, I mean, it IS on nearly every Islamic nation's flag!

    • Generation[redacted]

      The first Afghan wedding we see being held on the moon is toast!

    • MissTaken

      We did just a couple of years ago! But considering we like to spend at least a decade hanging around after we bomb the shit out of a place, it is fitting that we are only now thinking of building a base. And by we, I mean Newt, not the actually "we".
      http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I cried a little too. I give Boehner a pass on this one.

  • memzilla

    Wow, hawt women astronauts, restricted to a limited moon base with nowhere else to go? Sex at 1/6 Earth gravity? This would mean Newt could be the first interplanetary serial adulterer!

    • Negropolis

      You know what they say. In space, nobody can hear you scream.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Lulz….

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's not cheating if it's in a different interplanetar area code. The Cap'n Kirk rule.

      • James Michael Curley

        Jim! You're going to hurt yourself!

      • chicken_thief

        "Beam me up, Scotty" takes on a whole new meaning….

      • ThundercatHo

        Capt. Kirk never cheated cuz he wasn't married, except to the starship Enterprise.

        • SorosBot

          What about Spock?

          • LesBontemps

            I don't think Kirk was ever actually married to Spock either, although they were plainly "longtime companions."

          • ThundercatHo

            Total bromance.

          • GOPCrusher

            That's illogical, Jim.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        One thing I always loved about Kirk is that he would bang any woman, no matter her skin color (which was often blue or green), how many eyes she had, where her boobs were located, hair or no hair, scales or no scales. He was an equal opportunity chick-banging dude. Gotta love him for that!

    • widestanceshakedown

      MOONTANG LIBEL!

    • Terry

      Imagine Newt's massive gut floating freely in zero gravity. That's hawt for sure.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Can you imagine that fat fuck at zero gravity? He'd be completely spherical. "OMG, what is that huge pale cratered sphere…..the moon?" "No, it Newts ass, and that dark spot ain't no Sea of Tranquility……"

    • Biff

      Can you imagine santorum flowing at 1/6 gravity? You obviously didn't factor in ass-fucking on the moon. So messy!

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        When the santorum hits your eye
        like a big pizza pie

    • johnedens

      Well, "The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress"…

  • JackDempsey1

    It's dusty up there. Maybe this moon base is a grand scheme to expand the employment opportunities for 11-year-old janitors.

    • Negropolis

      Nah. Their tiny hands and short stature are perfectly shapped for work in the moonmines mining moonrocks and whore-diamonds for Callista.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Dust makes the moon pies taste funny.

    • PsycWench

      Then they can drill for Moon Oil. The American Moon cannot be dependent on other countries for energy.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    But you may wish to contain your laughter here, lest you be scolded by the Times’ Nick Confessore…

    Cardinal Joe Klein, bring…the comfy chair!!!
    ~

  • DaRooster

    The moon thing makes complete sense… since there will be no inhabitable Earth after his first term.

  • Ruhe

    I recall reading once that for a good real estate agent homes with backyard pools were an easy sell to young couples, provided one used the right tone and facial expression when mentioning that amenity. "You know, this house also has a pool…in the back…in the rather secluded back yard…(wink)"
    Perhaps that's how Newt can sell us all on vacation trips to the Moon. "You know a state room in a resort up there in that low G environment could be a very interesting place to honeymoon…"

    • prommie

      He says exactly this, in almost the same words, in one of his books.

      • ThundercatHo

        Have you, personally, actually read one of books? Wow. Did you have a puke bucket nearby and all sharp objects/firearms/poisons/etc. placed out of reach?

        • prommie

          I read a 1995 review of his ouevre by Joan Didion, its on Longform.org. He is a kook, a sci-fi geek.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Shoot, we've had a moon base since the 1950s!!

    • memzilla

      Where else could Elvis have disappeared to so thoroughly?

      • SorosBot

        A black hole?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Is it that we have a moon base, or that we never even went to the moon?! My batshit is all confused.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Wheels within wheels, man. We are through the looking glass.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I have never seen a movie where a Moon base turned out good.

    • LesBontemps

      FTW!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Now now, 2001, A Space Odyssey?

    • GOPCrusher

      Amazon Women On The Moon?
      Oh wait.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Newt has truly cracked a vertical smile – he wants to moon us all.

    MOON BITCHES indeed!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe Newt wants to send the poor and all the minorities and the gays and the people from the Middle East to the moon.

    • chicken_thief

      He hasn't thought this out completely yet. A moon base would make him the "Food Stamp of the Solar System" President since, obvz, all the food there will be gubmint handouts.

  • freakishlywrong

    We can't even get high speed rail in this fucked country. The moon? Baby steps, fatbabyhead.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      taxpayer funded high speed rail is socialism.
      taxpayer funded moon base is capitalism.

      • ph7

        High speed rail: cost per passenger too high.
        Dweezil and Moon Unit's Lunar colony: I'd call that a bargain, the best I ever had.

        • Generation[redacted]

          It's only the first stepping stone to finally getting Mars its much needed guitars.

      • doloras

        That's because you can't nuke other countries from a high-speed train.

    • GOPCrusher

      He's already lost the Tea Bagger vote. How does he plan to pay for this moondongle?

      • 40 or 50 % McShineys

        Cheese sales (from the mines, duh) will completely subsidize our trip to the moon.

        (He knows his audience)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “I didn’t do the same thing. I have never lied under oath. I have never committed perjury. I have never been involved in a felony. He was.”

    But you violated one or more of the 15 (or is it 10) commandment thingies your folks hold so precious.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      It's okay. God loves sinning Republicans; it's just the dirty, Commie liberal hippies that He wants to smite.

    • chicken_thief

      I love his new claim – fucking around on the ladies is "normal". Knowing all that history sure comes in handy!

    • SorosBot

      Newt just loves America too much.

    • Tundra Grifter

      BTF:

      Not to mention that adultery is still a crime in Virginia. And, in Ole Newt's case, in Calista. Also.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No, he didn't actually himself lie under oath; however, when the House fined him $300,000 it was partially because he'd set up a 501c3 organization and then used it for political purposes, which is illegal for a nonprofit. Newt should've known about this, as he'd set up nonprofits before, and complained for a long time about how political contributions weren't tax deductible.

      And after the House Ethics Committee started looking into this, Newt had his lawyer send a letter describing his nonprofit's activities that turned out to be full of lies. Newt was dragged before the committee and had to admit that since he was the only person who knew everything about what his organization did, all the information in his lawyer's lie-packed letter basically came from him.

      So no, he didn't lie under oath — because he got someone else to do it for him — which is the kind of hair-splitting disingenuous argument that we should expect from this congenital liar for the next four years should he be elected.

      • LesBontemps

        Wouldn't want him elected, but would LURV to see him nominated!

  • AlterNewt

    Newt, where are the Moon jobs for the CHILDREN?!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd love to watch C-Span when they have Hawaiian Shirt Day in Congress.

  • Negropolis

    Yes, he really said that: there will be airports. To space. For vacations.

    There already is. It's called Spaceport America, and it's in the deserts of New Mexico, and that toothy Branson bastard is trying to make it commercially viable.

    I swear, one of these days, Callista…Bang! Zoom! Straight too da' moon!

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? The future for America's economy clearly hinges on making new and better playgrounds for the ultra-rich, rather than fixing roads or making sure people have electricity or Internet access or adequate health care.

      These space airports will employ poor peoples' children, to be space-janitors. There will be a "head janitor", to be sure, but it will literally be a computer shaped like Newt's head into which his consciousness has been downloaded, which barks orders at the indentured children. The Head Janitor Newtputer will demand $1.6 million a year, for its services.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I think it's stupid to go around saying we can't afford health care, but then we're going to build a moon base instead. I have no idea what a "liberals/Dems" is, Dr Nick, can you explain the moon base without using that term?

  • SorosBot

    When we went to the moon, the top marginal tax rate was 77%. Just saying.

  • wakkumph

    A rat done bit my sister Nell, and Newty's on the moon . . .

    • tejanojim

      Beat me to it. Kudos, sir or ma'am.

  • jodyleek

    Newt's been watching "Despicable Me" again. Too bad his minions aren't as funny or cute.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Speaking of MOON BITCHES, and no not Ann Coulter sillies, Jan Brewer gave Hopey the finger yesterday. Seems Barry wasn't on board for installing a 100 foot high, 50 feet deep, deadly voltage electrified fence along the bordardz. Much less the cactus depletion allowance deduction on the taxes. Barry, Barry, just huggin' beloved Gabby won't win you Arizona.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Bitch has got some nerve. Someone thinks Jan may have a drinking problem:
      http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/01/26/1058651/

      • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

        Otis and the POTUS, good find!

      • Limeylizzie

        That was the rudest thing I have ever seen, well apart from that fucking rube who screamed "You Lie", I hope she was pissed-up because I can think of no other excuse.

        • ThundercatHo

          As I posted before, I'd like to see her try that shit with our beloved FLOTUS.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          It's the fucking Teatard "Who Can Sass The Nigger Rudest" contest. Think of it as glitter-bombing for their side. Of course, if anyone had done that to Bush, Cheney would have shotgunned their head off.

          I am so fucking tired of these crackers.

      • widestanceshakedown

        Does this mean there won't be a Gin Summit?

        One look at her face tells all. She's either spent her life picking crops in the desert sun, or she's a leather-faced drunk. You decide. . .

        • Texan_Bulldog

          I think the correct term is "rode hard & put up wet".

        • ThundercatHo

          Do you think her and Boner get drunk together and then get it on? It could explain the constant crying.

          • widestanceshakedown

            EWWW!

            I think she still buys his line about "it's good for your complexion" even as the truth is written all over her face.

        • Biff

          Bitch don't realize the importance of moisturizing…

    • freakishlywrong

      Can you imagine the reverse? The brass band of outrage if the POTUS was a republitard and the Gov. a Dem?

    • Negropolis

      I want to caption it: You point that thing at me one more time, and Imma bite it off!

    • fartknocker

      She's GED Jan. She never attended college and somehow became Secretary of State for Aribama. When Napolitano was tapped to be Secretary of DHS, she slid into the Governor's seat.

      This same twit sold her state capital to offset a budget deficit and now wants to purchase it back at a $11 million markup. She also wants to give the state employees a raise, but only if they give up worker protection rules such as selective hiring, demotion, promotion or firing. She's a baby Kochsucker.

    • Steverino247

      Several points here:

      1) You salute the rank, not the man.

      2) If Obama is "thin-skinned" she is fatty livered.

      3) With the stroke of a pen, Obama can empty her state of Federal salaries by moving the Air Force bases, the Marine Corps from Yuma and the Army from Yuma and Ft. Huachuca. See how your state does then, bitch.

      4) Jan looks like the primary aggressor in this domestic violence incident. Somebody call the police next time. Mr. President, get a restraining order…

  • freakishlywrong

    And you won’t be alone! Because John Boehner also cries (we advise paying special attention to the 8:45 mark in the video for a good look at how freakish that man’s face looks when he cries real tears).

    I take umbrage. You're forgiven in advance.

  • slithytoves

    Didn't we already send the moon careening out into the galaxy with those nuclear storage facilities we put there? I swear I saw that on teevee years ago. It was like 1998 or maybe 1999.

    • reliefsinn

      You may laugh, but I remember intelligent people explaining to me a few years back, with a straight face, that we could send nuclear waste into outer space. No problem.

      • Generation[redacted]

        What we do, see, is we take a few dozen Saturn rockets, lash them together with duct tape, and stick an old irradiated nuclear holding tank full of spent fuel on top. We used to do that with bottle rockets and plastic army men back in the day…

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    There are many romantic songs about the Moon. They would no longer be romantic if you could look up at the Moon and see people running allover it like little ants.

    • SorosBot

      But if we had lunar tourism, you actually could get caught between the Moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        DerrickWildcat liked this comment

  • DaRooster

    Boehner cried… because Gabby told him,"In a couple of weeks I'm coming back here to kick your fucking ass."

    • GOPCrusher

      Either that, or pointed out that Sarah Palin had put a surveyor's mark on Ohio.

  • Goonemeritus

    “So as to generate “a robust science, tourism and manufacturing industry” established “precisely on the model of the airlines in the 1930s.”

    Having worked as a supplier to the space industry Newt’s plan to get there by offering prizes to private industry is laughable to me.
    The capital necessary to even lunch satellites is out of reach for risk takers without firm contracts with a government. The kind of efforts this approach has accomplished is similar to what big governments did 60 years ago. As far as moon tourism flights go it would be much safer to stay home and shower with a plugged in toaster.

  • tihond

    The moon is a harsh mistress, Newt.

    • Biff

      And a mistress is between a mister and a mattress, like Callista.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    It seems logical Newt would opt for the moon to self-deport. He'll weigh only a fraction of what he does here in this atmosphere.

    • sharethegrief

      And along with South Carolina, open marriage on the moon will be a family value.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Newt, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine, Jack Kennedy sent us to the moon. Newt, you're no Jack Kennedy. Well, except for the "fucking around on your wife" part.

    • Negropolis

      Kennedy pulled Marilyn Monroe. Gingrich would be lucky if he could get one of the lesser Kardashians.

      • jodyleek

        You mean the dead one?

      • Generation[redacted]

        The best he could hope for is a bit player in the Kardashian entourage if he catches her in an alcoholic stupor. Then, maybe.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Marilyn Manson, maybe.

      • johnnymeatworth

        You mean Robert Kardashian, right?

        • Negropolis

          Yeah, basically any of them not named "Kim."

  • freakishlywrong

    Jesus, another debate? What's left to learn about these fools?
    "RepealObamacare, taxandspend, therecessionstartedonJanuary20,2009, jobcreators, punishingsuccess, foodstamppresident, classwarfare. Holy shit, the only thing that will be different is Newtie will have Blitz to shove around.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      "Jesus, another debate…"

      "THIS ENTIRE DEBATE CAN BE SHIPPED TO THE MOON, NO ONE HAS LOST ANY"

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I wonder what Newt's position on free personal jetpacks is.

    • DaRooster

      His position… with a jet pack?

      Unlifted.

    • ThundercatHo

      Yeah, and robot maids. I want my stinkin' robot maid.

    • doloras

      JET PACK SOCIALISM

  • Generation[redacted]

    As the owner of a small interplanetary tourism business I must say I support this measure. It will allow me to grow my small business and create jobs. Furthermore, I am so tired of the disappointed looks I get from my customers.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Can't have a moon base without plenty of water, so we'll need to send Boehner with a copy of "Old Yeller." And a desalination system.

  • cheetojeebus

    Newt, Open the pod bay doors.
    >
    >
    >
    I'm afraid I can't do that Mitt.
    >
    What's the problem?
    >
    I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
    >
    What are you talking about, NEWT?
    >
    This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

    • Negropolis

      WIN!

  • tcaalaw

    it’s a deeply cynical electoral ploy to go around making promises there’s no conceivable way you can’t keep to residents of Florida’s “Space Coast”

    If you make a promise that "there's no conceivable way you can't keep," that actually means it's guaranteed that you will keep your promise. [/Grammar Nazi]

  • FakaktaSouth

    Newt is going to send all the blahs and ex-wives to the moon together – so they can learn to appreciate the value of doing 'jobs.

    • SorosBot

      Is 'jobs' short for low-gravity blowjobs there?

      • Negropolis

        Sounds extra messy.

      • FakaktaSouth

        That would put a whole new spin on spit or swallow – float? Also, all I'm saying is that if Marianne hadn't let all the MS get in the way of her responsibilities to her man he would have never known how well Calli could suck a OH MY GOD EVEN I CAN'T DO THIS. God get Newt OUT OF HERE.

        • SorosBot

          Yeah, thoughts of Newt's sex life always kills my sex drive too. Even for all those Tiffany's diamonds I don't see how any woman was able to touch that man.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Typically, the sicker the joke the better I like it, but that dude – just no. I would rather be in a van by the side of the river with Chris Farley's corpse than in a mansion with Newt and his blood diamonds. I like to have sex with my eyes open sometimes, and not just when I am fucking the pool boy (which I pray every day Callista is doing, since we are now allowed to pray for terrible stuff as long as we ask for forgiveness – it's all about the forgiveness).

          • Chichikovovich

            We forgive you.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            That poor pool boy! Think of all the bloody peck-marks!!

          • Biff

            Gawd, that fucking beak…

  • Not_So_Much

    Maybe 'moon base' is his pet name for the carbuncle on his ass?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I'm waiting to see if Mitt will up the ante and go for a base on Neptune. I hear Neptune is a great place to hide your money from the IRS.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or in Uranus.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    True poem, my mom read it to my sister & me as wee tots:

    "The moon in the sky is a custard pie
    An' the clouds is the cream pour'd o'er it
    An ' all o' the glittering stars in the sky
    Is the powdered sugar for it"

    .
    Newt just hadn't had his breakfast yet when he was fantasizing about the moon, that's all.

    • fuflans

      that's really nice. thank you.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

    NEWTRAKER: Worst.007.Film.Ever.

    • Negropolis

      Poofinger?

      • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

        From Tiffanys With Love.

        • Negropolis

          Lie Another Day.

          • http://www.wonkette.com Chillwillard

            One Wife Is Not Enough.

          • Negropolis

            The Guy Who Fucked Me.

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

          Diamond are Forever?

          • Negropolis

            Decapussy?

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

            10 pussies?

          • Negropolis

            Oui!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Dr. Dope?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Fat Bastard? No, too easy.

  • Chichikovovich

    At first I was worried that this plan would multiply the deficit a hundredfold, but then I realized the true genius of Newt's plan, is that he will put a few army bases up there too, and then he can classify the whole project as military spending.

    Because then it will be free.

    • comrad_darkness

      Oh snap. (You guys are smokin' today.)

  • chicken_thief

    Oh, come on you nay-sayers. This moon base will easily be paid for from the increased revenue generated by lowering corporate, dividend, and inheritance taxes to zero. DO THE MATH, SHEEPLE!!!!

  • GlowneyHouse

    If you want Republican support for a return to the moon, simply Photoshop one of the following things into a image from the Apollo missions–

    1- A bag of money

    2- A barrel of oil

    3- A brown person protecting either 1 or 2.

    • teebob2000

      Although a brown may also frighten them away.

      • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

        That is why they send other people to fight. Duh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Santorum is promising to send government regulators to Uranus.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Excellent. Truly.
      Santorum is stuck between obsessing over buttsecks and abortions. He is so tainted.

      • SorosBot

        Hm; I can picture a santorumed taint, but not tainted santorum.

    • DaRooster

      Meh… did that… in jail.

    • WiscDad

      I think he meant Hisanus

    • bagofmice
  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey Newt, I've got your moon base right here!!

    *presses bare ass against glass*

  • KathrynSane

    As a nerd who would do almost anything to go into space, I support Newt's batshit stupid plan.

  • chicken_thief

    The fact that it is two different entities also seems to escape Mitt. By his reasoning, no one would pay full rates. For example, the Messicans (all legal!!!) that he has mow his lawn(s) are paid with money that he paid taxes on. Ergo, in Mitt pretzel logic, they should be taxed at a lower rate.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      (Deleted my comment, because salaries are an expense.)

  • James Michael Curley

    I thought you said Newt was going to moon his base.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Wallet and Grommet have already settled that question.

  • prommie

    In one of Newt's books he writes about how everyone will want to take their honeymoon in space, because, he says, "the obvious advantages" of weightlessness, for certain activities people do on their honeymoons. Newt can manage to perv up any topic.

    • ph7

      So, Calista is not into the money shot, it seems.

      • jus_wonderin

        In space, no one can hear you gag.

        • ph7

          Newt: Open your pod bay backdoor, Calista.
          Calista: I'm sorry, Newt. I'm afraid I can't do that.
          Newt: What's the problem?
          Calista: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
          Newt: What are you talking about, Calista?
          Calista: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    They say I'm only a paper newt
    Sailing over a lake of tea
    But it wouldn't be make-believe
    If you believed in me

  • VinnyThePooh

    Space: 1849.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    there will be airports. To space. For vacations.

    Oh please. The republican are much more likely to use the moon as a place to dump toxic waste, when all our streams, lakes, rivers and oceans are full.

  • Baconzgood

    In space no one can hear you dream…

    • jus_wonderin

      Oh, I didn't see this. I semi-walked on it.

  • prommie

    Christie will eat the moon.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    "And I'm naming John Carter from Virginia as my Ambassador to Barsoom!"

    • Generation[redacted]

      We could save a lot of money on this program if, instead of using rockets, we travel by falling asleep in a cave.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        And what is Newt's position on exploration of Pellucidar? And adoption by Great Apes? Kreeg-Ah!!

  • fartknocker

    I apologize if I’m a little slow at this but I just had the epiphany that Newt is nothing more than a Ronnie Raygun protégé. Ronnie had a very expensive Space Defense Initiative. Newt is pandering to the military/industrial complex, a favorite Ronnie Ray Gun hobby.

    Maybe when we get to the moon he can set up mineral extraction operations to find Tiffany moon diamonds and natural gas in moon shale. Under Newtenomics, moon diamonds will be the new basis for U.S. currency. The moon shale will power the moon colony. Cattle will be bred in 1/6G stockyards, which will cause them to go “moon” when they communicate amongst other moon cows.

    And the left over natural gas (because it’s so abundant) will be used to build a big-ass chemical laser that we can point out the Middle East or China.

    This should work out so well.

  • LiveToServeYa

    The cold, hard vacuum of interstellar space pales in comparison to the vacuum between Newt's ears, where even a single hydrogen atom would cry out from loneliness.

    • jus_wonderin

      I bet they find the Higgs-Bozo there.

  • Chichikovovich

    “I didn’t do the same thing. I have never lied under oath. I have never committed perjury. I have never been involved in a felony. He was.”

    Can this guy utter five sentences without at least four of them containing lies?
    As Newt well knows – or at least, anyone who is going to try to impeach a president for lying under oath ought to know the difference between lying under oath and perjury – not all lying under oath is legally perjury. The lie has to (potentially) materially affect the outcome of the case, and there is no way in hell that the outcome of the Paula Jones suit would be affected by lying about what he did consensually with an employee [NOT an intern] in her mid twenties [NOT 20, or 21, or whatever age Republican propagandists keep pulling out of their ass] when those escapades were – as everyone including Monica acknowledges – clearly initiated, enthusiastically and energetically by Monica.

    Second, Mr. "First Speaker in History to Have Been Censured by the House for Ethics Violations", among the long list of things you were censured for is intentionally providing false information to impede a House investigation of you yourself. Lawyers here can correct me, but I believe (not sure – too busy to look it up right now) that is a felony. (Perhaps Congress has carved out an exception to that rule for themselves, as they have with so many other of the laws they pass.)

  • elviouslyqueer

    Thirdly: Newt suggested he will actually get elected president. (LOL, etc.) And fourthly! Newt suggested he will actually get elected president TWICE. (LOL squared, etc.)

    Take it away, Nancy!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Nancy knows something or she has pictures.

      • GOPCrusher

        And Newt seems to be anxious that she tells what she knows now, instead of waiting until he can't do anything to spin it.

  • Eve8Apples

    I liked Newt's other pick-up line better, "Hey baby, let's go back to my place and I'll colonize Uranus."

  • OneYieldRegular

    "…established 'precisely on the model of the airlines in the 1930s.'"

    So we'll get to the moon by propeller, all the flight attendants will be 20-something girls hired by bra-size, and everyone will be smoking like fiends. Didn't Hooters Air already try this?

    • prommie

      There was a Hooters Air? I missed this?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Hooters in Space, available at fine video stores everywhere.

  • SorosBot

    I'm surprised Newt isn't proposing a mission to the recently discovered planet made of diamond.

  • Indiepalin

    To the moon, Callista!

  • GeorgiaBurning

    I see the "Gummint doesn't create jobs" speech gets put away when they're talking to laid off government contract employees.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    That was sure some deep tinking Newty.

    Ignoring
    1) 1967 Outer Space Treaty.
    2) The actual cost of developing said moon base
    3) The actual cost of sending 13000 people to the moon.

    • James Michael Curley

      Also, there are no numerical requirements in population before a territory seeks statehood.

    • Biff

      Stop making sense!

  • widestanceshakedown

    And on his first day, he will personally write 'English is the official language of the moon' on the Constitution's margins.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If you want to experience the look and feel of a Moon base, just head over to Bahgdad or Mogadishu.

    M-O-O-N. That spells "moon"!

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "So as businesses earn profits, that’s taxed at 35 percent…"

    According to my bank account, I don't know anything about finance, but … isn't Mitt conflating dividends and capital gains, which are two different things?

    Also by that "it's already been taxed" logic, the following should be tax-free:
    – salaries paid to government workers
    – things we pay sales tax on
    – property we bought with income
    Your move Mittens.

  • DaRooster

    Is it ironic that Newt has "EW" in the middle?

  • DaRooster

    Here is your moon base Newt- http://6stringdeals.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/wate

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Think about this: if we put 1 permanent job on the moon – that's a ZERO percent unemployment. Then you average the earth and the moon – it cuts our unemployment rate in half.

    There is genius in this plan.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Stephan LeGrange, Food and Wine Magazine. Question for Mr. Gingrich: Will the space airports have Cinnabon stores?

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I don't think we'll be replacing whore diamonds with moon diamonds anytime soon.

  • teebob2000

    GOD I want him to be the Rep nominee!!!! OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE, baby Jeebus!!!!

    • UnholyMoses

      So do I.

      I mean, Prez Hopey McChangey hasn't exactly impressed me in a lot of ways, but dude would win the most historic landslide in all of American history.

  • Toomush_Infer

    "The moral difference between Clinton and myself is….Squirrel!!!!…."

  • Eve8Apples

    "Manufacturing" on the moon? I wonder what the shipping and handling would be for a pair sneakers manufactured on the moon.

    Nike customer service rep to Eve: "OK Eve, your shoes will cost $89.95 and with the shipping and handling, your total comes to $1,500,000,089.95. What card will be using today?"

    Only Mitt Romney could afford to buy crap manufactured on the moon.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      We can bring that down to $100-200k per order with the Moon Elevator. Delivery time will be 24 weeks though.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    You won't be laughing when the giant floating space fetus makes it's final approach after it's long journey from Jupiter.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I hope we have a strong military presence on the Moon! We need to fight the moon monsters there so we don't have to fight them here!!!

    • jus_wonderin

      I have a stash of bones to throw at it!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Mitt Romney is going to propose privatizing all those wormhole portals the military is sitting on.

  • UnholyMoses

    D-U-M-B … that spells Newt's idiotic plan to build a base on the M-O-O-N at the cost of around a trillion dollars or more when we have eleventy billions people on Earth who have no jobs, no steady food supply, no clean water, no true educational opportunities, nor hope of life getting better on a planet that's been raped and destroyed for profit.

    It's true. Look it up in your Funk and Wagnall's …

  • WiscDad

    Ahhh…pandering at it's finest…or funniest

  • Tundra Grifter

    In a biography of George Washington, William E. Woodward wrote "Washington possessed the superb self-confidence that comes only to those men whose inner life is faint."

    That's Ole Newt in a nutshell. His "inner life" would have to get off life-support to make it to "faint."

    Meanwhile, if he wants to sponsor a major technological effort, how about getting behind Jim Hightower's "Apollo Project?" that proposal is a national "spacerace" initiative to get us off the petroleum crackpipe and on affordable renewable energy sources.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Also unfair to compare Clinton's infidelity to Newt's because he didn't dump his wife in the cancer ward. Newt's right. They're not similar at all. Doesn't address the hypocrisy, but still.

  • VaWyo

    Is the moon a right to work planet?

  • chascates

    Politico:
    After nearly a week on the defensive, CNN's John King reports tonight that Newt Gingrich's claim about offering witnesses to ABC News in his defense — to rebut the network's interview with his second wife, Marianne Gingrich — was not true.

    "Tonight, after persistent questioning by our staff, the Gingrich campaign concedes now Speaker Gingrich was wrong — both in his debate answer, and in our interview yesterday," King said on tonight's edition of John King USA. "Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond says the only people the Gingrich campaign offered to ABC were his two daughters from his first marriage."

    • James Michael Curley

      No want Newt. I will take two daughters from Jon Huntsman's marriage.

    • BarackMyWorld
    • elviouslyqueer

      So Newt unloaded and repeated yet another boldfaced lie. SHOCKER. I will now retire to my fainting couch to overcome my fit of the vapors.

  • WiscDad

    An excerpt from his speech:

    "At one point early in my career I introduced the northwest ordinance for space and I said when we got, I think the number is 13,000. When we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon they can petition to become a state," Gingrich said, telling the crowd this was the "weirdest" thing he has ever done. "And I will as president encourage the introduction of the northwest ordinance for space to put a marker down that we want Americans to think boldly about the future…"

    BWAAHAHAHA

    • DahBoner

      " I think the number is 13,000"

      MARS NEEDZ WIMMEN!!!!

  • Eve8Apples

    I hope the moon people build a big electric fence and tell us to keep our fuckin' illegal immigrant asses on our own damn planet.

  • WiscDad

    When does he think his two terms will be? 2050?

  • comrad_darkness

    As President, Newt is thinking the moon will be the only safe place to keep wife #4 before his divorce to wife #3.

  • rickmaci

    Moon baby, moon!!!

  • comrad_darkness

    When I hear Newt say the words "moon base" all I can think of is how ugly his pasty white ass must be.

  • ElPinche

    Santorum reBUTTal: I'll build a pray-the-gay-away camp on the moon also for darkies.

  • thefrontpage

    The Zoraks, the indigenous people who have lived on the Moon for the past 1 billion years, issued an immediate rebuke to Gingrich's insane comments on Wednesday, Jan. 25th.

    "We completely oppose this plan, and we will defend our land, our territory, our property and all that is legally ours from any such invasions of our indigenous jursidiction in the most extreme manner possible, which means armed conflict," said Prime Overlord Xzykgh Zorak XXX, who has run the Zorak lands on the Moon for the last 50 years. "We tolerated the Moon landing in 1969, barely, because we allowed the Earthlings their brief 15 minutes of space fame, but we will not tolerate any permanent bases in our territory."

  • thefrontpage

    The Zoraks, who number about 350,000, have lived in various parts of the Moon for at least the last 1 billion years, according to Moon historians, archeologists, scientists and sociologists. They are a peace-loving people, but they defend their rightful property viciously. It is believed that the Zoraks have successfully defended their Moon properties from multiple invaders through the eons, including winning successful military campaigns against such interplanetary explorers and invaders as the Klingons, the Vulcans, the Ewoks, the Republicons, the Vikings, the Huns, the Thors and various Martian and Venusian explorers.

  • Guppy

    "I have never been involved in a felony. He was.”

    Remember when adultery itself was a criminal offense? Pepperidge Farm remembers!

    As do most of his base, who will also want to see divorce criminalized as well.

    • DahBoner

      "I have never been involved in a felony. He was.

      The past is over. When will people stop talking about W and Cheney???

  • BarackMyWorld

    This settles it. Newt is a James Bond villain.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Can you see this fat toad wedged into the captain's chair of the Enterprise, straining the hell out of his federation sweater? Yeah, me neither.

    • Chichikovovich

      Though I can see him as the ship's captain in Wall-E.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He would make a pretty good Zap Branigan.

  • BarackMyWorld

    "Many of us, like Newt, have acknowledged smoking dope and reading Toffler in the early 70s… I think Newt's dirty little secret is that he smoked dope and watched 'The Jetsons.'"

    -Al Franken

    • Chichikovovich

      Well, he better keep his flabby paws off MzTaken.

  • V572 the Merciless

    How Newt sees himself.

    • Biff

      Thanks for ruining the Lost Planet Airmen for me, V…

  • Guppy

    First off, if you want a 60's-style space program, you need a 60's-style tax system to fund it. Not even Obama would propose something so "socialist."

    Second, "science?" He's running for GOP nominee, for fuck's sake! The only way that man's political base would be interested in going to the moon again is if Newt claimed that Noah's Ark could be found up there.

    And does Newt realize who was president in the 1930's?

  • teebob2000

    "To da moon, Callista!!"

  • Slim_Pickins

    The 1%-ers need a new vacation destination far from the riffraff, hence the moon.

  • chascates

    Now that's the government creating jobs!

  • proudgrampa

    Oh, my. The comedy just writes itself, doesn't it?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Newt, if you start poking around up there, Uatu will be forced to intervene and fuck up your shit. However, if Galactus shows up, your pasty carcass should sate him for at least a decade.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fantastic_Four_

    • Biff

      There, right there! Upper left corner, next to the space-brain monster–it's Mitt, NOT Newt…

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        He stores his money in the Negative Zone to avoid taxes.

  • proudgrampa

    Does this mean I'm finally going to get my flying car and my jet backpack?

  • ttommyunger

    C'mon, Newtie, JFK already took us to the Moon, Dubya preached about taking us to Mars; think big! How about going to the Sun? You can accompany the Maiden Voyage, just be sure to take your asbestos footies, wouldn't want you to catch cold.

    • DahBoner

      The Sun is fun!

      • ttommyunger

        …Especially when it's roasting Newtie's buns.

  • Wonderthing

    Fly me to the moon and let me live among the stars. Let me see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words: I'm batshit. In other words: This blonde is blowing me. Ha ha ha!

  • Guppy

    This far in and no reference to "Whitey on the Moon?"

  • real_dc_native

    And us lefties have crazy ideas like fixing the Interstate Road System and various mass transit systems and improving rail transportation and making sure everyone has enough to eat. Crazy stuff, right?

    • GOPCrusher

      How do you think Newt plans on paying for his Moon base?

  • Biff

    I can't wait to open my Mailboxes, Etc. franchise on the moon, right next door to my 1st Interplanetary Bank, to hide money from the IRS.

  • owhatever

    After building the American permanent moon base, he will send First Floozy Callista up there to live.

    • DahBoner

      In Space, no one can hear Calista scream when she finds out Newtie was cheatin' on her….

  • Tundra Grifter

    Ole Newt got hisself a trophy wife.

    Unfortunately, the trophy is for "Participant."

    • DahBoner

      #WORST PERSONALITY

      • Tundra Grifter

        Or, "Least Likely to Succeed."

  • DahBoner

    "By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American."

    And Chuck Norris invented cheeseburgers by throwing a cow at a chain link fence!

  • Schmegeg

    Bullshit, Mitt. Any corporation paying a 35% rate these days needs to tar and feather its controller, accountants, CFO, and pretty much anyone else working there. So, while we are at it, let's see Bain's corporate tax return. You brought it up, Mittens.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    "New Moon Party" by T.C. Boyle…. It's been done and,sadly, did not end well!

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    I would think having a functional infrastructure was not only preferable to a moon base, but kind of necessary for one. Even if a lunar module floating in a river because the bridge collapsed on its way to the launch site would be a little amusing.

  • C_R_Eature

    Did call this, or what?

    It's almost worth having Gingrich turning yet another one of my childhood dreams and aspirations into a laughingstock grotesque parody of a future vision.

    Hey, Newt…You're not singlehandedly responsible, but you were an essential cog in the Machine that barreled over and devastated our Civil government, crushed any possibility of society pulling together towards a common goal, spent, frittered away and wasted our international goodwill and domestic economy pursuing laughably simpleminded Ideologically driven goals and transformed yourself into a money sucking Pseudo-Intellectual Public Nuisance.

    That said, I would like to see you get a chance to go into space. Unfortunately with the ending of the SST program and the cancellation of the too-expensive Constellation program, we just don't have the Heavy Lift capacity to get your gigantic bulk into Earth orbit.

    You'll have to go to the Russians. The good news: they have a fantastic rocket, comparable to the old Saturn V and Moon Capable.
    Take a ride on The N-1.
    Go ahead, treat yourself. You deserve it.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think Robert Heinlein already had that idea.

  • freakishlywrong

    As long as they don't have to go through security at the spaceport.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    I wonder if that stupid balloon would make it?

  • MosesInvests

    The Moon is, like Callista, a harsh mistress.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That's the nice thing about being single. Except it scares the dogs.

  • SorosBot

    But we've only given the tax cuts for the overclass three decades, surely it will trickle down on the rest of us one of these days!