We all know that Democrats are forever trying to let poor and minority people be allowed to vote, which, you know, huge SCANDAL already right there, but have you heard about the latest Republican voter “fraud” outrage du jour? ZOMBIES, VOTING! (Vampires: so last year.) South Carolina’s DMV director Kevin Shwedo, a Nikki “what massive state unemployment rate” Haley appointee, produced a list of 957 dead people who he claims managed against all odds to vote in South Carolina’s primary last weekend. This conclusively proves the need for a voter ID, in order to help poll workers better determine whether the person standing before them at the registration desk is or is not a member of the undead. Shwedo won’t let anyone from the state’s election commission see the list of names, of course, maybe because the whole six names he did hand over to the commission were investigated and did not turn out to be cases of fraud at all?
From Corey Hutchins at the Columbia Free-Times:
Before the hearing, Horry County GOP Rep. Alan Clemons, who led the hearing, said, “We must have certainty in South Carolina that zombies aren’t voting.”
The State Election Commission responded in kind.
In a news release that election agency spokesman Chris Whitmire handed out prior to the hearing, the agency disputed the claim that dead people had voted. One allegedly dead voter on the DMV’s list cast an absentee ballot before dying; another was the result of a poll worker mistakenly marking the voter as his deceased father; two were clerical errors resulting from stray marks on voter registration lists detected by a scanner; two others resulted from poll managers incorrectly marking the name of the voter in question instead of the voter above or below on the list.
The attorney general’s office had only given the State Election Commission six names off its list of 957 names to examine. The agency found every one of them to be alive and otherwise eligible to vote, except for the one who had voted before dying.
Yeah. Anyway. [Columbia Free-Times]
{ 238 comments }
Dead people are people too, my friend. They just happen to be dead.
Jesus, South Carolina won't let the Civil War die, why not let dead people vote.
Are dead corporations also people? 'cause I'd like to know who Braniff Airlines is supporting.
Didn't Mitt's daddy run a dead corporation?
What, Michigan? Yes, that is how we refer to it around here.
Hey, now. We may be dead, but at least we aren't Mississippi. Dear lord, we'd rather be a hollowed-out hulk of a memory than to be Mississippi.
Mitt's daddy IS a dead … oh, right, he never incorporated.
I knew the Braniff president's son in college. His name — may Jah strike me dead if this is not true — is State Rights.
Well, there was a Secesh general from South Carolina named States Rights Gist. He did not survive the waugh, being killed in 1864 at the Battle of Franklin.
It sure was nice knowin' ya, Spurnin'. (wipes tear)
Google search:
Harding Lawrence- Of Braniff- Passes On — Civil Aviation Forum …
Harding Lawrence was an interesting man, a genius in some respects, certainly an enigma (who else would name their son "States Rights"?). http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviatio...
I appreciate the display of humanlike fondness, though, Mittsy.
And just as they say in the Confederate states, ”The South shall rise again,” so shall the dead (Democratic) voters.
Our only hope for the South is the fact that dead people don't vote. The last thing we need is a zombie demographic, with 1940s social views, just as the 1950s voters are finally dying out.
In the fullness of time, according to Mittens, dead people are Mormon people. As soon as they get around to baptizing them in absencia, anyway.
Coolio. Do I get my own planet, too, then?
No. Those who tithe regularly to the Mormon Church and get a Temple Recommend get planets. I think all of us wot get baptized by them without our permission get to be lowly slaves on their planets or something.
Prolly not. I think you have to turn in all those tithing receipts from the whole time before they just sign over a planet.
They won't let dead people die because they are just that "pro-life" down there.
Hey! Zombies have rights too!
What do you mean Zombies can't vote? Helllooo – Tea Party anyone?
After the decay and decomposition and all, zombies are only like three-fifths of a person anyhow.
I thought we already decided this 3/5ths shit? WTF? Part people have feelings too
FEELINGS??? Try "smellings", have you ever had to go into a voting booth after one of them? STINK-AH-ROO!!
Zing – nice one!
The funny thing is that flesh eat zombies are probably more rational and well mannered than the average South Carolina voter.
And sans all that deep frying…
Clearly, you've never had long pig bacon
Certainly, more educated on the tissues.
Jesus Christ – first it's hanging chads, now it's dangling limbs. Will it never end?
The dangling limbs of Jesus Christ would be allowed to vote in South Carolina, ID or no ID.
Call me Thomas, but I live by one simple rule: no stigmata, no vote.
Yeah? How would they know The Man was not indulging in some voter fraud there?
The dead are constantly playing with your head. They tap you on the shoulder and then hide so you think a ghost did it. They use dribble glasses at their homes and boy do you look like an idiot then. They go house to house asking if your refrigerator is running and when you say yes, they say "You'd better go catch it, then." Then they laugh at their own joke, which is such a dead thing to do.
Knock. Knock.
Whose their?
"they laugh at their own joke". Oh shid, does that mean I'm dead? For God's sake don't tell the people in payroll.
Joseph McCarthy, Zombie Hunter
"I have in my pocket, the names of 957 card-carrying Deads, currently working in the Dessicate Department."
If history is our guide, Hollywood will cave and begin to dustlist Zombie sympathizers.
His close ties to the Kennedy family go a long way toward explaining why he never went after infamous zombie sympathizer Richard J. Daley.
I'm undead … and I vote!
I heard people mumbling in line, "I'd rather die than to vote for any of these ass clowns."
SPOILER ALERT: They were actually dead the whole time!
Who–the candidates or the voters?
I know, I know…all of 'em, Katie…
It's like you have a sixth sense about these things.
They'll get their wish, like enough.
Plant an ACORN, grow Zombie Democrats?
"science" the GOP won't deny
Build the dang fence.
Around South Carolina? Approved.
God-damned dead people. They CANNOT be trusted
Don't tell these people about ghouls, wights, liches, ghosts, shades, specters, skeletons, or wraiths, we'll never hear the end of it.
Banshees. Once they hear of banshees it's over for the dems.
Republicans have the Banshee edge already, with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann. Who do we have? Hillary and the PUMAs? Joan Walsh? Heather Mallik?
Don't forget Princess Nancy, the "she is no lady" DWS, and Rachel Maddow. We're holding our own…
Ah Jeez, I'm gettin' all weepy eyed over our awesome lineup of political ladies.
Or the vampires. I'm not sure if they'd lean Republican or Democrat; well except the sparkly Mormon abstinence vampires; they're all Reps.
But Edward's so SENSITIVE!!
Breaking in to a woman's bedroom at night to watch her sleeping is just so sweet!
Edward could've spent his nights vampiring around town but instead he chose to spend his time staring at Bella non stop for hours on end.
See, not creepy…SENSITIVE!!
Pretty sure it breaks down this way:
Dracula = R
Grandpa Muenster = R
Lestat = D
Angel = D
Spike = Whatever Buffy is, so D
Nosferatu = R, and also Vice President of the United States January 2001-January 2009.
Mina Harker = Ariana Huffington?
And haints. Don't forget the haints.
And the Orly Taintz!
Haints are definitely a South Carolina specialty. I'm pretty sure one of them is governor.
Well. they are already terrified of "spooks."
ZING!
But, alas, they don't seem to mind corporate vampire squid.
OMG! It's the VOTING Dead!! Soon to be a TV series on AMC.
Happy to stand in line, as long as there's someone to munch on…
Zombies are people too, my friend!
Good news for John McCain? Or not?
McCAINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Well, this explains the 957 votes for Ronald Reagan.
Zombies feed on brains; ergo there are no zombies in South Carolina.
They could be on a diet! Maybe there's a big old zombie fat farm somewhere back in the hills! Can you prove there isn't? It's probably run by skunk apes! Hadn't thought of THAT, had you? Huh? Huh?
Or perhaps a hunger strike.
Newt is kinda like a fat zombie…
You know….I can't find a flaw in that logic. Air tight argument.
At least they don't eat fetus.
Are you kidding?
Pregnant women are the turduckens of the zombie dinner table.
WIN.
*hands you the Internet*
Extem, is just killing us today. I'm glad just to toss my cerebellum up as a softball.
L-O-fuckin'-L!
What's left behind in SC is living proof that the zombies have done their job and moved on.
SC Zombies? Didn't they lose the Orange Bowl this year?
Voooooooooooootezzzzzzzzzzzz
Kevin Shwedo related to Pete Schweddy?
He held his balls once… while Pete voted.
"Oh my. Look how they glisten."
BRAINS
"They're coming to elect you, Barbara!"
WIN!
Gold Star!
Aw, you two are the living (dead) end!
"Non-material clerical errors" sounds way less sexy/outrageous than "ZOMG! ZOMBIE DEMCRAT VOTE FRAUD!!!"
And, you know 6 = 957 because math is hard, facts lie, and there are incumbencies to protect.
Was any of the Zombies convicted felons, then my friend we have a problem.
I'll bet some them wuz even….you know…black!
Dang'it, This is the one thing Barry didn't talk about last night.
Number 957
Number 957
Number 957
We must stop at nothing to make sure they do not seize the braaaaaaeins of power.
Then make sure they are Republican.
In order to save themselves the trouble of coming up with all these perversely complex voter-fraud scenarios why don't the GOP operatives just run around with actual red herrings and just keep slapping reporters and judges and whoever else with them?
COTD
I had to go to Acronym Finder to get hip to that one. Interestingly, number four on their list was "City of the Dead".
I thought it was a new pharma scare to sell more pharma.
"If your COTD lasts longer than………………………….."
Brilliant!Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless
Catch of the Day
Comment of the Day
Works both ways, so … extra points!
Little known fact: in the days running up to secession, this was an actual SC legislative sport, like tag: especially funny was to slip a red herring into some Puritan's cumberbund unseen….
How utterly Pythonesque!
Its a Great Day to be dead in South Carolina.
Every day is a great day to be dead in South Carolina!
It’s a shame they were unable to confirm actual zombie voting. It would do a lot to comfort me if we could prove these Republicans are being voted in by the un-dead.
Laugh all you want, what the hell else explains Newt's rise down south (eww)?
That's easy. Mittens cannot convey that combination of bitterness, ignorance and crazy that Southern crackers demand in their candidates. Newt's got that shit down pat.
That's what Nixon said.
Tha's also why St. Ron opened his campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi.
Lee Atwater?
BAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!
Mitt should hope for zombies voting for him. Eventually their numbers will be great enough to allow him to win the Presidency… another 24 years or so.
957 votes is almost as many as Herman Colbert got!
There's bound to be some way to prevent people from voting for the Democratic Party. They've called them weak on defense, haters of capitalism, seeking reparations for blacks, promoters of same-sex relationships, and now, voting from the grave.
Could be that South Carolina has some people who don't watch Fox News or listen to AM talk shows, or surf HumanEvents and RedState!
You all laugh now. But just try to punch the ballot with that little stylus while a zombie is nom nom nomming on your arm. We'll see whose laughing then.
Mama, take this vote off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm nomming on heaven's door.
Great. Another special interest group to pander to: speaking at braincake breakfasts, photo ops at state fairs eating medulla on a stick, empty promises to abolish the Undeath Tax . . .
The Republican Zombies want Unhealth Care.
And redundancy protection!
I wonder, do they have to pander to the Born Again?
Deep-fried medulla on a stick, please!
Would they, the undead, be for or against the death penalty? Is their any polling on this?
It's the Redundancy Conundrum, once again!…
Well, since zombies are technically not undead, but are reanimated corpses, I'm thinking that they are pro-death penalty in order to increase their caucus numbers.
Or carcass numbers, as it were.
Polling: Frank Luntz would like us to call them "Life Challenged", unless they vote Democrat, then; "Brain Stamp Voters"
If s zombie wanted to vote in my district, the authorities require the production of a death certificate.
And that'd better be a Long Form death cert!
Typical.
"We finally have evidence of voter fraud!"
"Let's see it"
"No way!" You'll just use some fancy science or logic and try and make us look stupid,
we're not falling for that"
And why is all this evidence of voter fraud showing up in Republiklan primaries? Maybe we should make Republiklans show a photo ID in order to vote.
Well, something has obviously eaten the brains of Republicans …
Assumes facts not in evidence.
Not intended to be a factual statement.
Nicely played! *polite golf clap*
Martini?
Does this mean that brain dead South Crackerlina Teatards can't vote either? Fair is fair, if your brain isn't working, you shouldn't be eligible to vote.
"A Vote Before Dying" is going to be the title of my next mystery/horror/slash fiction novel.
Sounds like a Lifetime Original Movie.
Or, a very special episode of Blossom.
I challenge anyone to find a non-zombie voter in South Carolina. Please. And pass the biscuits and gravy, assholes.
Dead people are sooooooo sneaky. The poll workers didn't even see them! It was like they were ghost or something. All of a sudden there were 957 dead people standing in front of Bertha Waterberry demanding a ballot. What could she do? She hoisted her homely toothless ass out of the folding chair and the rest is dead people history. One dead person was quoted as saying, "My Gawd did you see the rack on Bertha."
Someone let the zombies out to vote, before feeding them?
Senator Shortey, bewares — your constituents' unborn children are next!!..
Fetus braaaaains…
Those are Republican voters, stupid!
Don't give those zombies any ideas.
The real story here is the voter that had the foresight and commitment to submit an absentee ballot before dying. One more thing to put in my living will…
I heard quite a few gravely ill oldz voting for Obama from their hospital beds.
Zombies are liberals? I doubt it. The ones I've seen don't care about the environment, they never recycle, and their truck radios are always tuned to Limbaugh.
Here's a column that argues zombies represent liberals' fears of conservatives, and vampires represent conservatives' fears of liberals (really):
http://www.cracked.com/article_19402_6-mind-blowi…
Zombie TruckNutz!!
If I was among the undead I'd probably vote Republican; it just makes so much more sense with the lack of need for health care, education, the social safety net … you know, pretty much all the things the living need.
True. But if the Republicans get Santorum-level extreme, every one else will start leaving the country, which will be a massive blow to the fresh brain supply.
I'm definitely amending my Will to request that I be dug up every four years to vote Democrat.
So, instead of a DNR, you have an R?
My tombstone will read "YasserArraFeck, (D)ead"
The main problem here is that South Carolina assumes it has elections worth stealing.
"The South Will Rise Again!!!!!
Careful what you wish for, Cletus.
Reminds me of a joke David Cross had about how separate white and black cemeteries in the South were there so a zombie apocalypse could be segregated.
Absolutely – you don't want white goo mixin' with colored goo!
Well, you know how those black male zombies are around our white female zombies. Always. Always with their eyes hanging out of their heads leering at them.
They love Zombie Jesus.
They love Zombie Reagan.
They love Zombie Strom Thurmond.
Where's the love for Zombie Voters?
“We must have certainty in South Carolina that zombies aren’t voting.”
Trust me, with the selection of candidates in South Carolina, they are definitely not voting…
Have any zombies come forward to comment on this? I'd be interested to hear what the zombie response is.
Grrr… Arrrgh…
Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.
*looks around South Carolina in despair*
I feel sorry for that hungry zombie.
Cue Sally Struthers. "Just look at these hungry zombies. For pennies a day…………………"
"Have you no brains, sir? At long last, have you no brains?
What do we want?
BRAAAAAAINZZZ!!!!
When do we want it?
BRAAAAAAINZZZ!!!!
You guys got any of them Horry Zombies left… they's my favorite kind.
Duane Johnson for President!
I'm not surprised. Wait til the Twat Walker recall election up here…the Urp-up-licans will go berserk with accusations
What is Santorum's stance on zombie-on-zombie sex?
Between a boy zombie and a girl zombie? He's down with that because that's how God intended it to be (provided it's just for the creation of lil zombies and not for fun). That boy zombie – boy zombie buttsechs is an abomination, though.
It's not, you know, zombie on dog or whatever.
This detail seems pretty important:
The attorney general’s office had only given the State Election Commission six names off its list of 957 names to examine.
What do we call the key piece of the story the right-wing outrage machine doesn't report? It happens so often we need a name for it.
The MacGuffin?
I think they're called "facts".
Of course I shall not pretend to consider it any matter for wonder, that the extraordinary case of Zombie South Carolinian voters has excited discussion. It would have been a miracle had it not—especially under the circumstances. Through the desire of one of the parties concerned, to keep the affair from the public, at least for the present, or until we had further opportunities for investigation—through our endeavors to effect this—a garbled or exaggerated account made its way into society, and became the source of many unpleasant misrepresentations; and, very naturally, of a great deal of disbelief.
I don't know how we got on this Poe kick, but it's a good thing. On a second reading, btw, the narrator's attempt to "re-compose" the patient cracked me up.
Well, of course they're voting – they're voting for Zombie candidates…!
That's unpossible. Only lefties are capable of committing voter fraud.
So, zombie voting definitely explains how Nikki Haley, teabagger emeritus got elected.
And here I thought she was elected because of horny voting.
Yeah. Wasn't her campaign slogan "Vote for me and I'll show you my tits."?
It works.
South Carolina really is a very silly state, isn't it?
One allegedly dead voter on the DMV’s list cast an absentee ballot before dying; another was the result of a poll worker mistakenly marking the voter as his deceased father; two were clerical errors resulting from stray marks on voter registration lists detected by a scanner; two others resulted from poll managers incorrectly marking the name of the voter in question instead of the voter above or below on the list.
This is exactly why we need voter id laws. If we had such laws, poll workers would never make clerical errors, stray marks would never cause scanners to misread, and [frankly, I regard this as a major upside] people who cast absentee ballots would never die before the election.
The savings on health care alone will be astronomical.
There's class warfare and there's zombie world warfare.
South Carolina Zombies – I can't believe no-one has mentioned Strom Thurmond, the only zombie ever to have served in the US Senate.
And that doesn't even begin to hint at the list of zombie congressmen. Or presidents. Wth?
What a trailblazer. Not even death could keep him from his country and his racism, satan bless him.
I'm not a zombie, I'm you.
To paraphrase Hamlet, "There's something rotten in the state of South Carolina"
So they're saying that 937 dead Republicans voted. I figure that standard is relative, or they've way underestimated the number of brain-dead who voted last weekend. Either way, it seems to be a problem with Republicans, not Democrats.
Zombies are going to be very disappointed at the lack of brains in that party.
The Repubtards are deathly afraid of having to "honestly" win an election. After Shrub stealing his election all Repubtards think they are entitled to win whether they actually win or not. Inbred cheaters, ha.
No reptard left behind.
"Shoes for the dead!"
(that one's for you, Raven)
What about industry? Oh right … it moved to China. Nevermind.
Republican blatantly lying about "voter fraud" again? I could think of some valid examples but for some reason Republicans seem to have "forgotten" 2000-2008.
There are exactly 57 dead voters in the Defense Department at this time.
Wasn't this a Republican Primary? If so, the fucker's looking at it wrong: Obviously this teaches us that Republicans cannot be entrusted with the right to vote.
Fucking Dead People, how do they work?
Most of 'em work in the offices of Chicago aldermen.
Life goes in; life goes out. You can't explain it.
What he failed to mention was that most of those people died immediately upon voting in the primary – of shame! Cadavers with heart-stopping grimaces on their faces were piled up like cordwood outside of most polling places, last I heard.
That's the trouble with all these born again types … dying once doesn't keep 'em down.
People get put into the grave, then they come out. Who can explain it?
Braaains. Braaaaains. Conservative jeebus bigots have no braaaains.
Maybe the Rapture came and those are the only 957 people who got resurrected.
I was actually at the Judiciary subcommittee meeting this morning to hear Marci Andino testify. It was fun, in a perverse sort of way, if you like watching idiots squirm, and I do.
How can they tell they're Zombies?
It's South Carolina. Have you seen these people?
Romney does give off that undead impression.
I hold in my hand a list of 5,000 Communist zombies, where Mitt Romney will pay them each forty brains for their vote.
A late salute to KBJ for the alt-text.
Zombie libel, you betcha!
This is so calling for a hipsters Zombie Walk to the polls in November.
so i have a confession to make: i hate zombies.
i really do. i love all manner of creepies and crawlies and vampires and witchcraft and bad movies and gore and tarantino.
but i hate motherfucking zombies. even snarky zombies like zombieland zombies.
i am ashamed to admit this, but i trust you people so i can say the truth.
I doubt any non-zombies voted in the SC Republican primary.
No worries SC! Zombies around your parts would immediately starve to death.
"We're here, we're fermenting & putrefying, deal with it!"
Zombie at GOP debate: "I'M STAAAAAAAARVINNNNNNNG…"
Does this mean Enron gets a vote?
Dangling-limb Jesus is the very popular Ass-Kicking Jesus in the Book of Revelation. I agree, Hippie Jesus who fed all those fucking poor people while giving them free health care would be, well, crucified.
And true love waits until marriage – which is right out of graduating high school – and then it's the most bestest sex ever. Oh and good girls will keep their fetus even if it's killing them.
What great lessons to be teaching our country's preteen girls!
Brilliant!
ZOMG, Spurning, I fell asleep and missed your update. Wow. Wun Sik Pup, as we say among my people. Jezus, why do parents DO this shit to their kids?
You're welcome, Spurning. It isn't easy to get the bot to respond properly to commands. It's nice to be appreciated. (Hugs Spurning Beer)
Well, that's true.
More, please. (hugs back)
I remember something about Braniff being fined for illegal contributions to the Nixon campaign 40 years ago, which may be a clue to the answer to your question about "what kind of parents."
Aww! Aren't you sweet! (Hugs you and pats your back)
Oy gevalt oy vey is mir! I thought yer kids were supposed to give ya tsuris, not yer parents.
From your mouth to the p-god's ears.
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