WORST ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER  3:54 pm January 25, 2012

Zombie Voters Latest Scourge to Terrorize SC GOP’s Imagination

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

ENFRANCHISE USSSSSSSS

We all know that Democrats are forever trying to let poor and minority people be allowed to vote, which, you know, huge SCANDAL already right there, but have you heard about the latest Republican voter “fraud” outrage du jour? ZOMBIES, VOTING! (Vampires: so last year.) South Carolina’s DMV director Kevin Shwedo, a Nikki “what massive state unemployment rate” Haley appointee, produced a list of 957 dead people who he claims managed against all odds to vote in South Carolina’s primary last weekend. This conclusively proves the need for a voter ID, in order to help poll workers better determine whether the person standing before them at the registration desk is or is not a member of the undead. Shwedo won’t let anyone from the state’s election commission see the list of names, of course, maybe because the whole six names he did hand over to the commission were investigated and did not turn out to be cases of fraud at all?

From Corey Hutchins at the Columbia Free-Times:

Before the hearing, Horry County GOP Rep. Alan Clemons, who led the hearing, said, “We must have certainty in South Carolina that zombies aren’t voting.”

The State Election Commission responded in kind.

In a news release that election agency spokesman Chris Whitmire handed out prior to the hearing, the agency disputed the claim that dead people had voted. One allegedly dead voter on the DMV’s list cast an absentee ballot before dying; another was the result of a poll worker mistakenly marking the voter as his deceased father; two were clerical errors resulting from stray marks on voter registration lists detected by a scanner; two others resulted from poll managers incorrectly marking the name of the voter in question instead of the voter above or below on the list.

The attorney general’s office had only given the State Election Commission six names off its list of 957 names to examine. The agency found every one of them to be alive and otherwise eligible to vote, except for the one who had voted before dying.

Yeah. Anyway. [Columbia Free-Times]

 
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{ 238 comments }

Barb January 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Dead people are people too, my friend. They just happen to be dead.
Jesus, South Carolina won't let the Civil War die, why not let dead people vote.

Grief_Lessons January 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Are dead corporations also people? 'cause I'd like to know who Braniff Airlines is supporting.

nounverb911 January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Didn't Mitt's daddy run a dead corporation?

GhostBuggy January 25, 2012 at 4:36 pm

What, Michigan? Yes, that is how we refer to it around here.

Negropolis January 25, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Hey, now. We may be dead, but at least we aren't Mississippi. Dear lord, we'd rather be a hollowed-out hulk of a memory than to be Mississippi.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Mitt's daddy IS a dead … oh, right, he never incorporated.

Spurning Beer January 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I knew the Braniff president's son in college. His name — may Jah strike me dead if this is not true — is State Rights.

qwerty42 January 25, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Well, there was a Secesh general from South Carolina named States Rights Gist. He did not survive the waugh, being killed in 1864 at the Battle of Franklin.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 10:03 pm

It sure was nice knowin' ya, Spurnin'. (wipes tear)

Spurning Beer January 25, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Google search:

Harding Lawrence- Of Braniff- Passes On — Civil Aviation Forum …
Harding Lawrence was an interesting man, a genius in some respects, certainly an enigma (who else would name their son "States Rights"?). http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviatio...

I appreciate the display of humanlike fondness, though, Mittsy.

WhatTheHeck January 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

And just as they say in the Confederate states, ”The South shall rise again,” so shall the dead (Democratic) voters.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Our only hope for the South is the fact that dead people don't vote. The last thing we need is a zombie demographic, with 1940s social views, just as the 1950s voters are finally dying out.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm

In the fullness of time, according to Mittens, dead people are Mormon people. As soon as they get around to baptizing them in absencia, anyway.

yyyaz January 25, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Coolio. Do I get my own planet, too, then?

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 10:04 pm

No. Those who tithe regularly to the Mormon Church and get a Temple Recommend get planets. I think all of us wot get baptized by them without our permission get to be lowly slaves on their planets or something.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Prolly not. I think you have to turn in all those tithing receipts from the whole time before they just sign over a planet.

Negropolis January 25, 2012 at 11:54 pm

They won't let dead people die because they are just that "pro-life" down there.

BigDumbRedDog January 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Hey! Zombies have rights too!

slithytoves January 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm

What do you mean Zombies can't vote? Helllooo – Tea Party anyone?

teebob2000 January 25, 2012 at 3:59 pm

After the decay and decomposition and all, zombies are only like three-fifths of a person anyhow.

WinterOuthouse January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I thought we already decided this 3/5ths shit? WTF? Part people have feelings too

OhNoGuy January 25, 2012 at 9:57 pm

FEELINGS??? Try "smellings", have you ever had to go into a voting booth after one of them? STINK-AH-ROO!!

Tommy1733 January 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Zing – nice one!

BigDumbRedDog January 25, 2012 at 3:59 pm

The funny thing is that flesh eat zombies are probably more rational and well mannered than the average South Carolina voter.

DaRooster January 25, 2012 at 4:02 pm

And sans all that deep frying…

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Clearly, you've never had long pig bacon

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Certainly, more educated on the tissues.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Jesus Christ – first it's hanging chads, now it's dangling limbs. Will it never end?

Grief_Lessons January 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

The dangling limbs of Jesus Christ would be allowed to vote in South Carolina, ID or no ID.

CapnFatback January 25, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Call me Thomas, but I live by one simple rule: no stigmata, no vote.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Yeah? How would they know The Man was not indulging in some voter fraud there?

Wonderthing January 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

The dead are constantly playing with your head. They tap you on the shoulder and then hide so you think a ghost did it. They use dribble glasses at their homes and boy do you look like an idiot then. They go house to house asking if your refrigerator is running and when you say yes, they say "You'd better go catch it, then." Then they laugh at their own joke, which is such a dead thing to do.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Knock. Knock.

102415 January 25, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Whose their?

OhNoGuy January 25, 2012 at 10:01 pm

"they laugh at their own joke". Oh shid, does that mean I'm dead? For God's sake don't tell the people in payroll.

Chet Kincaid January 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Joseph McCarthy, Zombie Hunter

memzilla January 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

"I have in my pocket, the names of 957 card-carrying Deads, currently working in the Dessicate Department."

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 5:02 pm

If history is our guide, Hollywood will cave and begin to dustlist Zombie sympathizers.

Extemporanus January 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm

His close ties to the Kennedy family go a long way toward explaining why he never went after infamous zombie sympathizer Richard J. Daley.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I'm undead … and I vote!

Barb January 25, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I heard people mumbling in line, "I'd rather die than to vote for any of these ass clowns."

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:34 pm

SPOILER ALERT: They were actually dead the whole time!

Callyson January 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Who–the candidates or the voters?
I know, I know…all of 'em, Katie…

bagofmice January 25, 2012 at 5:23 pm

It's like you have a sixth sense about these things.

MittBorg January 25, 2012 at 10:07 pm

They'll get their wish, like enough.

Gratuitous World January 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Plant an ACORN, grow Zombie Democrats?

"science" the GOP won't deny

Radiotherapy January 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Build the dang fence.

Not_So_Much January 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Around South Carolina? Approved.

WinterOuthouse January 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm

God-damned dead people. They CANNOT be trusted

Grief_Lessons January 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Don't tell these people about ghouls, wights, liches, ghosts, shades, specters, skeletons, or wraiths, we'll never hear the end of it.

Baconzgood January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Banshees. Once they hear of banshees it's over for the dems.

Grief_Lessons January 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Republicans have the Banshee edge already, with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann. Who do we have? Hillary and the PUMAs? Joan Walsh? Heather Mallik?

Callyson January 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Don't forget Princess Nancy, the "she is no lady" DWS, and Rachel Maddow. We're holding our own…

Designer_Rants January 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Ah Jeez, I'm gettin' all weepy eyed over our awesome lineup of political ladies.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Or the vampires. I'm not sure if they'd lean Republican or Democrat; well except the sparkly Mormon abstinence vampires; they're all Reps.

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 4:16 pm

But Edward's so SENSITIVE!!

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Breaking in to a woman's bedroom at night to watch her sleeping is just so sweet!

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Edward could've spent his nights vampiring around town but instead he chose to spend his time staring at Bella non stop for hours on end.

See, not creepy…SENSITIVE!!

Preferred Customer January 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Pretty sure it breaks down this way:

Dracula = R
Grandpa Muenster = R
Lestat = D
Angel = D
Spike = Whatever Buffy is, so D

Grief_Lessons January 25, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Nosferatu = R, and also Vice President of the United States January 2001-January 2009.

Preferred Customer January 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Mina Harker = Ariana Huffington?

PsycWench January 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And haints. Don't forget the haints.

102415 January 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm

And the Orly Taintz!

carolinaswamp January 25, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Haints are definitely a South Carolina specialty. I'm pretty sure one of them is governor.

GunToting[Redacted] January 25, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Well. they are already terrified of "spooks."

emmelemm January 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

ZING!

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 12:09 am

But, alas, they don't seem to mind corporate vampire squid.

ManchuCandidate January 25, 2012 at 4:02 pm

OMG! It's the VOTING Dead!! Soon to be a TV series on AMC.

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Happy to stand in line, as long as there's someone to munch on…

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Zombies are people too, my friend!

OhNoGuy January 25, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Good news for John McCain? Or not?

actor212 January 26, 2012 at 11:40 am

McCAINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

SayItWithWookies January 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Well, this explains the 957 votes for Ronald Reagan.

Extemporanus January 25, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Zombies feed on brains; ergo there are no zombies in South Carolina.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

They could be on a diet! Maybe there's a big old zombie fat farm somewhere back in the hills! Can you prove there isn't? It's probably run by skunk apes! Hadn't thought of THAT, had you? Huh? Huh?

Extemporanus January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Or perhaps a hunger strike.

DaRooster January 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Newt is kinda like a fat zombie…

Baconzgood January 25, 2012 at 4:17 pm

You know….I can't find a flaw in that logic. Air tight argument.

Radiotherapy January 25, 2012 at 4:35 pm

At least they don't eat fetus.

Extemporanus January 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Are you kidding?

Pregnant women are the turduckens of the zombie dinner table.

elviouslyqueer January 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

WIN.

*hands you the Internet*

Radiotherapy January 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Extem, is just killing us today. I'm glad just to toss my cerebellum up as a softball.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 12:10 am

L-O-fuckin'-L!

Biff January 25, 2012 at 7:12 pm

What's left behind in SC is living proof that the zombies have done their job and moved on.

nounverb911 January 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

SC Zombies? Didn't they lose the Orange Bowl this year?

Baconzgood January 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Voooooooooooootezzzzzzzzzzzz

teebob2000 January 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Kevin Shwedo related to Pete Schweddy?

DaRooster January 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

He held his balls once… while Pete voted.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

"Oh my. Look how they glisten."

slowhansolo January 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

BRAINS

CapnFatback January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"They're coming to elect you, Barbara!"

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm

WIN!

C_R_Eature January 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Gold Star!

CapnFatback January 25, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Aw, you two are the living (dead) end!

edgydrifter January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"Non-material clerical errors" sounds way less sexy/outrageous than "ZOMG! ZOMBIE DEMCRAT VOTE FRAUD!!!"

slowhansolo January 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

And, you know 6 = 957 because math is hard, facts lie, and there are incumbencies to protect.

LabRodent January 25, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Was any of the Zombies convicted felons, then my friend we have a problem.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I'll bet some them wuz even….you know…black!

meatlofer January 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Dang'it, This is the one thing Barry didn't talk about last night.

weej_bain January 25, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Number 957
Number 957
Number 957

PhilippePetain January 25, 2012 at 4:08 pm

We must stop at nothing to make sure they do not seize the braaaaaaeins of power.

Boojum_Reborn January 25, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Then make sure they are Republican.

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 4:08 pm

In order to save themselves the trouble of coming up with all these perversely complex voter-fraud scenarios why don't the GOP operatives just run around with actual red herrings and just keep slapping reporters and judges and whoever else with them?

prommie January 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

COTD

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I had to go to Acronym Finder to get hip to that one. Interestingly, number four on their list was "City of the Dead".

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I thought it was a new pharma scare to sell more pharma.

"If your COTD lasts longer than………………………….."

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Brilliant!Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Catch of the Day
Comment of the Day

Works both ways, so … extra points!

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Little known fact: in the days running up to secession, this was an actual SC legislative sport, like tag: especially funny was to slip a red herring into some Puritan's cumberbund unseen….

Biff January 25, 2012 at 7:16 pm

How utterly Pythonesque!

SudsMcKenzie January 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Its a Great Day to be dead in South Carolina.

WABishop January 25, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Every day is a great day to be dead in South Carolina!

Goonemeritus January 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

It’s a shame they were unable to confirm actual zombie voting. It would do a lot to comfort me if we could prove these Republicans are being voted in by the un-dead.

widestanceshakedown January 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Laugh all you want, what the hell else explains Newt's rise down south (eww)?

pdiddycornchips January 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

That's easy. Mittens cannot convey that combination of bitterness, ignorance and crazy that Southern crackers demand in their candidates. Newt's got that shit down pat.

widestanceshakedown January 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm

That's what Nixon said.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Tha's also why St. Ron opened his campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi.

GunToting[Redacted] January 25, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Lee Atwater?

deanbooth January 25, 2012 at 8:38 pm

BAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!

DaRooster January 25, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Mitt should hope for zombies voting for him. Eventually their numbers will be great enough to allow him to win the Presidency… another 24 years or so.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm

957 votes is almost as many as Herman Colbert got!

chascates January 25, 2012 at 4:13 pm

There's bound to be some way to prevent people from voting for the Democratic Party. They've called them weak on defense, haters of capitalism, seeking reparations for blacks, promoters of same-sex relationships, and now, voting from the grave.

Could be that South Carolina has some people who don't watch Fox News or listen to AM talk shows, or surf HumanEvents and RedState!

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You all laugh now. But just try to punch the ballot with that little stylus while a zombie is nom nom nomming on your arm. We'll see whose laughing then.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Mama, take this vote off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm nomming on heaven's door.

CapnFatback January 25, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Great. Another special interest group to pander to: speaking at braincake breakfasts, photo ops at state fairs eating medulla on a stick, empty promises to abolish the Undeath Tax . . .

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

The Republican Zombies want Unhealth Care.

CapnFatback January 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Republican Zombies

And redundancy protection!

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I wonder, do they have to pander to the Born Again?

Biff January 25, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Deep-fried medulla on a stick, please!

PuckStopsHere January 25, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Would they, the undead, be for or against the death penalty? Is their any polling on this?

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 4:50 pm

It's the Redundancy Conundrum, once again!…

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Well, since zombies are technically not undead, but are reanimated corpses, I'm thinking that they are pro-death penalty in order to increase their caucus numbers.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Or carcass numbers, as it were.

Designer_Rants January 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Polling: Frank Luntz would like us to call them "Life Challenged", unless they vote Democrat, then; "Brain Stamp Voters"

Schmegeg January 25, 2012 at 4:17 pm

If s zombie wanted to vote in my district, the authorities require the production of a death certificate.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm

And that'd better be a Long Form death cert!

pdiddycornchips January 25, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Typical.

"We finally have evidence of voter fraud!"

"Let's see it"

"No way!" You'll just use some fancy science or logic and try and make us look stupid,
we're not falling for that"

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 5:09 pm

And why is all this evidence of voter fraud showing up in Republiklan primaries? Maybe we should make Republiklans show a photo ID in order to vote.

UnholyMoses January 25, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Well, something has obviously eaten the brains of Republicans …

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Assumes facts not in evidence.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Not intended to be a factual statement.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Nicely played! *polite golf clap*

Martini?

rickmaci January 25, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Does this mean that brain dead South Crackerlina Teatards can't vote either? Fair is fair, if your brain isn't working, you shouldn't be eligible to vote.

OneYieldRegular January 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"A Vote Before Dying" is going to be the title of my next mystery/horror/slash fiction novel.

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Sounds like a Lifetime Original Movie.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Or, a very special episode of Blossom.

MrFizzy January 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I challenge anyone to find a non-zombie voter in South Carolina. Please. And pass the biscuits and gravy, assholes.

WinterOuthouse January 25, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Dead people are sooooooo sneaky. The poll workers didn't even see them! It was like they were ghost or something. All of a sudden there were 957 dead people standing in front of Bertha Waterberry demanding a ballot. What could she do? She hoisted her homely toothless ass out of the folding chair and the rest is dead people history. One dead person was quoted as saying, "My Gawd did you see the rack on Bertha."

Mumbletypeg January 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Someone let the zombies out to vote, before feeding them?
Senator Shortey, bewares — your constituents' unborn children are next!!..

Designer_Rants January 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Fetus braaaaains…

Slim_Pickins January 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Those are Republican voters, stupid!

Geminisunmars January 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Don't give those zombies any ideas.

Preferred Customer January 25, 2012 at 4:26 pm

The real story here is the voter that had the foresight and commitment to submit an absentee ballot before dying. One more thing to put in my living will…

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 12:21 am

I heard quite a few gravely ill oldz voting for Obama from their hospital beds.

pdiddycornchips January 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Zombies are liberals? I doubt it. The ones I've seen don't care about the environment, they never recycle, and their truck radios are always tuned to Limbaugh.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Here's a column that argues zombies represent liberals' fears of conservatives, and vampires represent conservatives' fears of liberals (really):
http://www.cracked.com/article_19402_6-mind-blowi

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Zombie TruckNutz!!

HobbesEvilTwin January 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm

If I was among the undead I'd probably vote Republican; it just makes so much more sense with the lack of need for health care, education, the social safety net … you know, pretty much all the things the living need.

Chichikovovich January 25, 2012 at 5:11 pm

True. But if the Republicans get Santorum-level extreme, every one else will start leaving the country, which will be a massive blow to the fresh brain supply.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I'm definitely amending my Will to request that I be dug up every four years to vote Democrat.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm

So, instead of a DNR, you have an R?

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

My tombstone will read "YasserArraFeck, (D)ead"

Guppy January 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

The main problem here is that South Carolina assumes it has elections worth stealing.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

"The South Will Rise Again!!!!!

Careful what you wish for, Cletus.

BarackMyWorld January 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Reminds me of a joke David Cross had about how separate white and black cemeteries in the South were there so a zombie apocalypse could be segregated.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Absolutely – you don't want white goo mixin' with colored goo!

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Well, you know how those black male zombies are around our white female zombies. Always. Always with their eyes hanging out of their heads leering at them.

JustPixelz January 25, 2012 at 4:34 pm

They love Zombie Jesus.
They love Zombie Reagan.
They love Zombie Strom Thurmond.

Where's the love for Zombie Voters?

Callyson January 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

“We must have certainty in South Carolina that zombies aren’t voting.”
Trust me, with the selection of candidates in South Carolina, they are definitely not voting…

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Have any zombies come forward to comment on this? I'd be interested to hear what the zombie response is.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Grrr… Arrrgh…

elviouslyqueer January 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.

*looks around South Carolina in despair*

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I feel sorry for that hungry zombie.

jus_wonderin January 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Cue Sally Struthers. "Just look at these hungry zombies. For pennies a day…………………"

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm

"Have you no brains, sir? At long last, have you no brains?

Nostrildamus January 26, 2012 at 1:19 am

What do we want?
BRAAAAAAINZZZ!!!!
When do we want it?
BRAAAAAAINZZZ!!!!

DaRooster January 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

You guys got any of them Horry Zombies left… they's my favorite kind.

Indiepalin January 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Duane Johnson for President!

WiscDad January 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I'm not surprised. Wait til the Twat Walker recall election up here…the Urp-up-licans will go berserk with accusations

littlebigdaddy January 25, 2012 at 4:50 pm

What is Santorum's stance on zombie-on-zombie sex?

HarryButtle January 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Between a boy zombie and a girl zombie? He's down with that because that's how God intended it to be (provided it's just for the creation of lil zombies and not for fun). That boy zombie – boy zombie buttsechs is an abomination, though.

starfanglednut January 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm

It's not, you know, zombie on dog or whatever.

BarackMyWorld January 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

This detail seems pretty important:
The attorney general’s office had only given the State Election Commission six names off its list of 957 names to examine.

What do we call the key piece of the story the right-wing outrage machine doesn't report? It happens so often we need a name for it.

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm

The MacGuffin?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I think they're called "facts".

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Of course I shall not pretend to consider it any matter for wonder, that the extraordinary case of Zombie South Carolinian voters has excited discussion. It would have been a miracle had it not—especially under the circumstances. Through the desire of one of the parties concerned, to keep the affair from the public, at least for the present, or until we had further opportunities for investigation—through our endeavors to effect this—a garbled or exaggerated account made its way into society, and became the source of many unpleasant misrepresentations; and, very naturally, of a great deal of disbelief.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I don't know how we got on this Poe kick, but it's a good thing. On a second reading, btw, the narrator's attempt to "re-compose" the patient cracked me up.

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Well, of course they're voting – they're voting for Zombie candidates…!

Dashboard Buddha January 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm

That's unpossible. Only lefties are capable of committing voter fraud.

shrillharpy January 25, 2012 at 4:55 pm

So, zombie voting definitely explains how Nikki Haley, teabagger emeritus got elected.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

And here I thought she was elected because of horny voting.

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Yeah. Wasn't her campaign slogan "Vote for me and I'll show you my tits."?

Boojum_Reborn January 25, 2012 at 8:14 pm

It works.

BlueStateLibel January 25, 2012 at 4:59 pm

South Carolina really is a very silly state, isn't it?

Chichikovovich January 25, 2012 at 5:00 pm

One allegedly dead voter on the DMV’s list cast an absentee ballot before dying; another was the result of a poll worker mistakenly marking the voter as his deceased father; two were clerical errors resulting from stray marks on voter registration lists detected by a scanner; two others resulted from poll managers incorrectly marking the name of the voter in question instead of the voter above or below on the list.

This is exactly why we need voter id laws. If we had such laws, poll workers would never make clerical errors, stray marks would never cause scanners to misread, and [frankly, I regard this as a major upside] people who cast absentee ballots would never die before the election.

The savings on health care alone will be astronomical.

WhatTheHeck January 25, 2012 at 5:01 pm

There's class warfare and there's zombie world warfare.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 5:03 pm

South Carolina Zombies – I can't believe no-one has mentioned Strom Thurmond, the only zombie ever to have served in the US Senate.

shrillharpy January 25, 2012 at 11:31 pm

And that doesn't even begin to hint at the list of zombie congressmen. Or presidents. Wth?

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 12:29 am

What a trailblazer. Not even death could keep him from his country and his racism, satan bless him.

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I'm not a zombie, I'm you.

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

To paraphrase Hamlet, "There's something rotten in the state of South Carolina"

ibwilliamsi January 25, 2012 at 5:15 pm

So they're saying that 937 dead Republicans voted. I figure that standard is relative, or they've way underestimated the number of brain-dead who voted last weekend. Either way, it seems to be a problem with Republicans, not Democrats.

ChrisM2011 January 25, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Zombies are going to be very disappointed at the lack of brains in that party.

fitley January 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm

The Repubtards are deathly afraid of having to "honestly" win an election. After Shrub stealing his election all Repubtards think they are entitled to win whether they actually win or not. Inbred cheaters, ha.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 7:46 pm

No reptard left behind.

Barrelhse January 25, 2012 at 5:49 pm

"Shoes for the dead!"

(that one's for you, Raven)

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

What about industry? Oh right … it moved to China. Nevermind.

glamourdammerung January 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Republican blatantly lying about "voter fraud" again? I could think of some valid examples but for some reason Republicans seem to have "forgotten" 2000-2008.

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 6:07 pm

There are exactly 57 dead voters in the Defense Department at this time.

natoslug January 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Wasn't this a Republican Primary? If so, the fucker's looking at it wrong: Obviously this teaches us that Republicans cannot be entrusted with the right to vote.

mrblifil January 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Fucking Dead People, how do they work?

Nostrildamus January 26, 2012 at 1:20 am

Most of 'em work in the offices of Chicago aldermen.

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 8:29 am

Life goes in; life goes out. You can't explain it.

barto January 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

What he failed to mention was that most of those people died immediately upon voting in the primary – of shame! Cadavers with heart-stopping grimaces on their faces were piled up like cordwood outside of most polling places, last I heard.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm

That's the trouble with all these born again types … dying once doesn't keep 'em down.

starfanglednut January 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm

People get put into the grave, then they come out. Who can explain it?

Designer_Rants January 25, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Braaains. Braaaaains. Conservative jeebus bigots have no braaaains.

Sassomatic January 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Maybe the Rapture came and those are the only 957 people who got resurrected.

carolinaswamp January 25, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I was actually at the Judiciary subcommittee meeting this morning to hear Marci Andino testify. It was fun, in a perverse sort of way, if you like watching idiots squirm, and I do.

C_R_Eature January 25, 2012 at 9:12 pm

How can they tell they're Zombies?

It's South Carolina. Have you seen these people?

mavenmaven January 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Romney does give off that undead impression.

owhatever January 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm

I hold in my hand a list of 5,000 Communist zombies, where Mitt Romney will pay them each forty brains for their vote.

ShaveTheWhales January 25, 2012 at 9:53 pm

A late salute to KBJ for the alt-text.

ttommyunger January 25, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Zombie libel, you betcha!

Negropolis January 26, 2012 at 12:19 am

This is so calling for a hipsters Zombie Walk to the polls in November.

fuflans January 26, 2012 at 1:07 am

so i have a confession to make: i hate zombies.

i really do. i love all manner of creepies and crawlies and vampires and witchcraft and bad movies and gore and tarantino.

but i hate motherfucking zombies. even snarky zombies like zombieland zombies.

i am ashamed to admit this, but i trust you people so i can say the truth.

Nostrildamus January 26, 2012 at 1:17 am

I doubt any non-zombies voted in the SC Republican primary.

Nostrildamus January 26, 2012 at 1:22 am

No worries SC! Zombies around your parts would immediately starve to death.

lulzmonger January 26, 2012 at 3:07 am

"We're here, we're fermenting & putrefying, deal with it!"

Zombie at GOP debate: "I'M STAAAAAAAARVINNNNNNNG…"

worrierqueen January 26, 2012 at 4:44 am

Does this mean Enron gets a vote?

Grief_Lessons January 25, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Dangling-limb Jesus is the very popular Ass-Kicking Jesus in the Book of Revelation. I agree, Hippie Jesus who fed all those fucking poor people while giving them free health care would be, well, crucified.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

And true love waits until marriage – which is right out of graduating high school – and then it's the most bestest sex ever. Oh and good girls will keep their fetus even if it's killing them.

What great lessons to be teaching our country's preteen girls!

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Brilliant!

MittBorg January 26, 2012 at 12:05 am

ZOMG, Spurning, I fell asleep and missed your update. Wow. Wun Sik Pup, as we say among my people. Jezus, why do parents DO this shit to their kids?

You're welcome, Spurning. It isn't easy to get the bot to respond properly to commands. It's nice to be appreciated. (Hugs Spurning Beer)

GhostBuggy January 26, 2012 at 1:15 am

Well, that's true.

Spurning Beer January 26, 2012 at 7:42 am

More, please. (hugs back)

I remember something about Braniff being fined for illegal contributions to the Nixon campaign 40 years ago, which may be a clue to the answer to your question about "what kind of parents."

MittBorg January 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Aww! Aren't you sweet! (Hugs you and pats your back)

Oy gevalt oy vey is mir! I thought yer kids were supposed to give ya tsuris, not yer parents.

CapnFatback January 26, 2012 at 2:50 pm

From your mouth to the p-god's ears.

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