worst zombie movie ever

Zombie Voters Latest Scourge to Terrorize SC GOP’s Imagination


We all know that Democrats are forever trying to let poor and minority people be allowed to vote, which, you know, huge SCANDAL already right there, but have you heard about the latest Republican voter “fraud” outrage du jour? ZOMBIES, VOTING! (Vampires: so last year.) South Carolina’s DMV director Kevin Shwedo, a Nikki “what massive state unemployment rate” Haley appointee, produced a list of 957 dead people who he claims managed against all odds to vote in South Carolina’s primary last weekend. This conclusively proves the need for a voter ID, in order to help poll workers better determine whether the person standing before them at the registration desk is or is not a member of the undead. Shwedo won’t let anyone from the state’s election commission see the list of names, of course, maybe because the whole six names he did hand over to the commission were investigated and did not turn out to be cases of fraud at all?

From Corey Hutchins at the Columbia Free-Times:

Before the hearing, Horry County GOP Rep. Alan Clemons, who led the hearing, said, “We must have certainty in South Carolina that zombies aren’t voting.”

The State Election Commission responded in kind.

In a news release that election agency spokesman Chris Whitmire handed out prior to the hearing, the agency disputed the claim that dead people had voted. One allegedly dead voter on the DMV’s list cast an absentee ballot before dying; another was the result of a poll worker mistakenly marking the voter as his deceased father; two were clerical errors resulting from stray marks on voter registration lists detected by a scanner; two others resulted from poll managers incorrectly marking the name of the voter in question instead of the voter above or below on the list.

The attorney general’s office had only given the State Election Commission six names off its list of 957 names to examine. The agency found every one of them to be alive and otherwise eligible to vote, except for the one who had voted before dying.

Yeah. Anyway. [Columbia Free-Times]

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  1. Barb

    Dead people are people too, my friend. They just happen to be dead.
    Jesus, South Carolina won't let the Civil War die, why not let dead people vote.

    1. Grief_Lessons

      Are dead corporations also people? 'cause I'd like to know who Braniff Airlines is supporting.

          1. Negropolis

            Hey, now. We may be dead, but at least we aren't Mississippi. Dear lord, we'd rather be a hollowed-out hulk of a memory than to be Mississippi.

          1. MittBorg

            ZOMG, Spurning, I fell asleep and missed your update. Wow. Wun Sik Pup, as we say among my people. Jezus, why do parents DO this shit to their kids?

            You're welcome, Spurning. It isn't easy to get the bot to respond properly to commands. It's nice to be appreciated. (Hugs Spurning Beer)

          2. Spurning Beer

            More, please. (hugs back)

            I remember something about Braniff being fined for illegal contributions to the Nixon campaign 40 years ago, which may be a clue to the answer to your question about "what kind of parents."

          3. MittBorg

            Aww! Aren't you sweet! (Hugs you and pats your back)

            Oy gevalt oy vey is mir! I thought yer kids were supposed to give ya tsuris, not yer parents.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      And just as they say in the Confederate states, ”The South shall rise again,” so shall the dead (Democratic) voters.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Our only hope for the South is the fact that dead people don't vote. The last thing we need is a zombie demographic, with 1940s social views, just as the 1950s voters are finally dying out.

    4. Biff

      In the fullness of time, according to Mittens, dead people are Mormon people. As soon as they get around to baptizing them in absencia, anyway.

        1. MittBorg

          No. Those who tithe regularly to the Mormon Church and get a Temple Recommend get planets. I think all of us wot get baptized by them without our permission get to be lowly slaves on their planets or something.

        2. Biff

          Prolly not. I think you have to turn in all those tithing receipts from the whole time before they just sign over a planet.

  2. teebob2000

    After the decay and decomposition and all, zombies are only like three-fifths of a person anyhow.

      1. OhNoGuy

        FEELINGS??? Try "smellings", have you ever had to go into a voting booth after one of them? STINK-AH-ROO!!

  3. BigDumbRedDog

    The funny thing is that flesh eat zombies are probably more rational and well mannered than the average South Carolina voter.

  4. Wonderthing

    The dead are constantly playing with your head. They tap you on the shoulder and then hide so you think a ghost did it. They use dribble glasses at their homes and boy do you look like an idiot then. They go house to house asking if your refrigerator is running and when you say yes, they say "You'd better go catch it, then." Then they laugh at their own joke, which is such a dead thing to do.

    1. OhNoGuy

      "they laugh at their own joke". Oh shid, does that mean I'm dead? For God's sake don't tell the people in payroll.

    1. memzilla

      "I have in my pocket, the names of 957 card-carrying Deads, currently working in the Dessicate Department."

    2. Extemporanus

      His close ties to the Kennedy family go a long way toward explaining why he never went after infamous zombie sympathizer Richard J. Daley.

  5. Grief_Lessons

    Don't tell these people about ghouls, wights, liches, ghosts, shades, specters, skeletons, or wraiths, we'll never hear the end of it.

      1. Grief_Lessons

        Republicans have the Banshee edge already, with Palin, Coulter, Bachmann. Who do we have? Hillary and the PUMAs? Joan Walsh? Heather Mallik?

        1. Callyson

          Don't forget Princess Nancy, the "she is no lady" DWS, and Rachel Maddow. We're holding our own…

    1. SorosBot

      Or the vampires. I'm not sure if they'd lean Republican or Democrat; well except the sparkly Mormon abstinence vampires; they're all Reps.

          1. MissTaken

            Edward could've spent his nights vampiring around town but instead he chose to spend his time staring at Bella non stop for hours on end.

            See, not creepy…SENSITIVE!!

          2. SorosBot

            And true love waits until marriage – which is right out of graduating high school – and then it's the most bestest sex ever. Oh and good girls will keep their fetus even if it's killing them.

            What great lessons to be teaching our country's preteen girls!

      1. Preferred Customer

        Pretty sure it breaks down this way:

        Dracula = R
        Grandpa Muenster = R
        Lestat = D
        Angel = D
        Spike = Whatever Buffy is, so D

    1. actor212

      They could be on a diet! Maybe there's a big old zombie fat farm somewhere back in the hills! Can you prove there isn't? It's probably run by skunk apes! Hadn't thought of THAT, had you? Huh? Huh?

  6. edgydrifter

    "Non-material clerical errors" sounds way less sexy/outrageous than "ZOMG! ZOMBIE DEMCRAT VOTE FRAUD!!!"

  7. Ruhe

    In order to save themselves the trouble of coming up with all these perversely complex voter-fraud scenarios why don't the GOP operatives just run around with actual red herrings and just keep slapping reporters and judges and whoever else with them?

      1. Ruhe

        I had to go to Acronym Finder to get hip to that one. Interestingly, number four on their list was "City of the Dead".

        1. jus_wonderin

          I thought it was a new pharma scare to sell more pharma.

          "If your COTD lasts longer than………………………….."

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Little known fact: in the days running up to secession, this was an actual SC legislative sport, like tag: especially funny was to slip a red herring into some Puritan's cumberbund unseen….

  8. Goonemeritus

    It’s a shame they were unable to confirm actual zombie voting. It would do a lot to comfort me if we could prove these Republicans are being voted in by the un-dead.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      That's easy. Mittens cannot convey that combination of bitterness, ignorance and crazy that Southern crackers demand in their candidates. Newt's got that shit down pat.

  9. DaRooster

    Mitt should hope for zombies voting for him. Eventually their numbers will be great enough to allow him to win the Presidency… another 24 years or so.

  10. chascates

    There's bound to be some way to prevent people from voting for the Democratic Party. They've called them weak on defense, haters of capitalism, seeking reparations for blacks, promoters of same-sex relationships, and now, voting from the grave.

    Could be that South Carolina has some people who don't watch Fox News or listen to AM talk shows, or surf HumanEvents and RedState!

  11. MissTaken

    You all laugh now. But just try to punch the ballot with that little stylus while a zombie is nom nom nomming on your arm. We'll see whose laughing then.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Mama, take this vote off of me
      I can't use it anymore.
      It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
      I feel like I'm nomming on heaven's door.

  12. CapnFatback

    Great. Another special interest group to pander to: speaking at braincake breakfasts, photo ops at state fairs eating medulla on a stick, empty promises to abolish the Undeath Tax . . .

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, since zombies are technically not undead, but are reanimated corpses, I'm thinking that they are pro-death penalty in order to increase their caucus numbers.

  13. Schmegeg

    If s zombie wanted to vote in my district, the authorities require the production of a death certificate.

  14. pdiddycornchips


    "We finally have evidence of voter fraud!"

    "Let's see it"

    "No way!" You'll just use some fancy science or logic and try and make us look stupid,
    we're not falling for that"

    1. GOPCrusher

      And why is all this evidence of voter fraud showing up in Republiklan primaries? Maybe we should make Republiklans show a photo ID in order to vote.

  15. rickmaci

    Does this mean that brain dead South Crackerlina Teatards can't vote either? Fair is fair, if your brain isn't working, you shouldn't be eligible to vote.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    "A Vote Before Dying" is going to be the title of my next mystery/horror/slash fiction novel.

  17. MrFizzy

    I challenge anyone to find a non-zombie voter in South Carolina. Please. And pass the biscuits and gravy, assholes.

  18. WinterOuthouse

    Dead people are sooooooo sneaky. The poll workers didn't even see them! It was like they were ghost or something. All of a sudden there were 957 dead people standing in front of Bertha Waterberry demanding a ballot. What could she do? She hoisted her homely toothless ass out of the folding chair and the rest is dead people history. One dead person was quoted as saying, "My Gawd did you see the rack on Bertha."

  19. Preferred Customer

    The real story here is the voter that had the foresight and commitment to submit an absentee ballot before dying. One more thing to put in my living will…

  20. pdiddycornchips

    Zombies are liberals? I doubt it. The ones I've seen don't care about the environment, they never recycle, and their truck radios are always tuned to Limbaugh.

  21. HobbesEvilTwin

    If I was among the undead I'd probably vote Republican; it just makes so much more sense with the lack of need for health care, education, the social safety net … you know, pretty much all the things the living need.

    1. Chichikovovich

      True. But if the Republicans get Santorum-level extreme, every one else will start leaving the country, which will be a massive blow to the fresh brain supply.

  22. YasserArraFeck

    I'm definitely amending my Will to request that I be dug up every four years to vote Democrat.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Reminds me of a joke David Cross had about how separate white and black cemeteries in the South were there so a zombie apocalypse could be segregated.

        1. jus_wonderin

          Well, you know how those black male zombies are around our white female zombies. Always. Always with their eyes hanging out of their heads leering at them.

  23. Callyson

    “We must have certainty in South Carolina that zombies aren’t voting.”
    Trust me, with the selection of candidates in South Carolina, they are definitely not voting…

  24. MissTaken

    Have any zombies come forward to comment on this? I'd be interested to hear what the zombie response is.

          1. jus_wonderin

            Cue Sally Struthers. "Just look at these hungry zombies. For pennies a day…………………"

  25. WiscDad

    I'm not surprised. Wait til the Twat Walker recall election up here…the Urp-up-licans will go berserk with accusations

    1. HarryButtle

      Between a boy zombie and a girl zombie? He's down with that because that's how God intended it to be (provided it's just for the creation of lil zombies and not for fun). That boy zombie – boy zombie buttsechs is an abomination, though.

  26. BarackMyWorld

    This detail seems pretty important:
    The attorney general’s office had only given the State Election Commission six names off its list of 957 names to examine.

    What do we call the key piece of the story the right-wing outrage machine doesn't report? It happens so often we need a name for it.

  27. Ruhe

    Of course I shall not pretend to consider it any matter for wonder, that the extraordinary case of Zombie South Carolinian voters has excited discussion. It would have been a miracle had it not—especially under the circumstances. Through the desire of one of the parties concerned, to keep the affair from the public, at least for the present, or until we had further opportunities for investigation—through our endeavors to effect this—a garbled or exaggerated account made its way into society, and became the source of many unpleasant misrepresentations; and, very naturally, of a great deal of disbelief.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I don't know how we got on this Poe kick, but it's a good thing. On a second reading, btw, the narrator's attempt to "re-compose" the patient cracked me up.

  28. Chichikovovich

    One allegedly dead voter on the DMV’s list cast an absentee ballot before dying; another was the result of a poll worker mistakenly marking the voter as his deceased father; two were clerical errors resulting from stray marks on voter registration lists detected by a scanner; two others resulted from poll managers incorrectly marking the name of the voter in question instead of the voter above or below on the list.

    This is exactly why we need voter id laws. If we had such laws, poll workers would never make clerical errors, stray marks would never cause scanners to misread, and [frankly, I regard this as a major upside] people who cast absentee ballots would never die before the election.

    The savings on health care alone will be astronomical.

  29. YasserArraFeck

    South Carolina Zombies – I can't believe no-one has mentioned Strom Thurmond, the only zombie ever to have served in the US Senate.

    1. Negropolis

      What a trailblazer. Not even death could keep him from his country and his racism, satan bless him.

  30. ibwilliamsi

    So they're saying that 937 dead Republicans voted. I figure that standard is relative, or they've way underestimated the number of brain-dead who voted last weekend. Either way, it seems to be a problem with Republicans, not Democrats.

  31. fitley

    The Repubtards are deathly afraid of having to "honestly" win an election. After Shrub stealing his election all Repubtards think they are entitled to win whether they actually win or not. Inbred cheaters, ha.

  32. natoslug

    Wasn't this a Republican Primary? If so, the fucker's looking at it wrong: Obviously this teaches us that Republicans cannot be entrusted with the right to vote.

  33. barto

    What he failed to mention was that most of those people died immediately upon voting in the primary – of shame! Cadavers with heart-stopping grimaces on their faces were piled up like cordwood outside of most polling places, last I heard.

  34. carolinaswamp

    I was actually at the Judiciary subcommittee meeting this morning to hear Marci Andino testify. It was fun, in a perverse sort of way, if you like watching idiots squirm, and I do.

  35. owhatever

    I hold in my hand a list of 5,000 Communist zombies, where Mitt Romney will pay them each forty brains for their vote.

  36. fuflans

    so i have a confession to make: i hate zombies.

    i really do. i love all manner of creepies and crawlies and vampires and witchcraft and bad movies and gore and tarantino.

    but i hate motherfucking zombies. even snarky zombies like zombieland zombies.

    i am ashamed to admit this, but i trust you people so i can say the truth.

  37. lulzmonger

    "We're here, we're fermenting & putrefying, deal with it!"

    Zombie at GOP debate: "I'M STAAAAAAAARVINNNNNNNG…"

  38. Grief_Lessons

    Dangling-limb Jesus is the very popular Ass-Kicking Jesus in the Book of Revelation. I agree, Hippie Jesus who fed all those fucking poor people while giving them free health care would be, well, crucified.

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