she's baaaaack

Comedy Saved: Michele Bachmann Running for Congress Again (OR NOT?)

Is that Orly Taitz?

Were you, like us, very ultra super secretly sighing to yourself — under your breath when you were absolutely sure no one could hear you — hasn’t this campaign season gotten sorta boring since Michele Bachmann dropped out? WELL SIGH NO MORE: her surrealist sideshow is coming BACK following Michele’s announcement today that she will run for re-election to Congress! Will the voters of Minnesota’s 6th District once again choose to be represented by a whacked out, pill-snarfing lunatic screamer over any other available adult human? True, it’s not like America will be in any DANGER if she wins again — she never actually does anything in Congress, ever. She is more like very expensive, taxpayer-funded entertainment. But hey, maybe Minnesota’s 6th District is feeling flush again this year? UPDATE: HAHA oh god we love it, Michele Bachmann has no idea what words mean in English and went on Fox News to qualify her initial statement of “yes” with more of a “maybe definitely yes” declaration of non-candidacy candidacy. Who knows!

The AP reports:

“I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann will be a formidable candidate in Minnesota’s 6th District, where other Republican hopefuls had stood aside until she made a decision on running for re-election. Some experts had speculated that Bachmann might instead turn to a career in talk media.

TALK MEDIA!!!! No, that is only for second-tier entertainers that the public doesn’t want to pay for with taxpayer money, like Sarah Palin. [AP]

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    1. Steverino247

      Not to gross anybody out here, but if you're going to have surgery soon you might want to start taking a certain kind of "softeners" about now. The medications you'll be given will turn things to stone.

        1. Steverino247

          Not a problem. Had a hernia repaired once and let's just say that any strain was just bad. Took something after the fact and just built up a back pressure. Hope everything comes out ok. (Take that anyway you wanna!)

          1. Gunner Asch

            Same here except it turned out that was just a symptom of the bladder getting what they later called a Charley Horse and filling up to 5x what it should be. The PA on my case damn near killed me, telling me I still felt horrible 3 weeks after surgery because I was (insert sneer here) "extremely sensitive to my body". Finally saw the original surgeon another week later who diagnosed correctly before I had my first sentence all the way out. According to my Instant Google Expert research it really isn't all that uncommon. As it was for the next month or so it looked like catheters 'r us for the rest of my life. Not trying to be gross, just a warning to beware of secondary causes.

          2. Steverino247

            Yeah, there's nothing quite like running a hose up there to drain it when "that special moment" arrives, is there?

            Um, Barb, That's two things you need to be careful about. I forgot about that one.

        1. SorosBot

          That whole "Abraham go kill your son or I'll smite you!", then finally going "haha just kidding!" right as Abe was about to bring the dagger down prank was a particularly cruel one.

          1. doloras

            Interestingly, in the Qur'an's version of the story, Abraham tells his son what he's planning to and the son is all like "oh well, what God wants God gets", which makes it decidedly less creepy.

    2. flamingpdog

      Why should he apologize? We all can see from the results of the Republican Presidential debates that God is just the supreme practical joker of the universe. Che1y needs to lighten up.

    3. JustPixelz

      God used to be a helpful guy. Creating the universe, writing up those commandments, telling people to love their neighbor. But he's getting old and, to be honest, kind of a dick. Sending tornados to trailer parks, telling Dubya to run for president, another(!) season of DWTS. We should just treat him like our senile great-uncle who wants to go for a drive in his "brand new DeSoto". Answer, "OK Walter. We'll do that right after you finish that jigsaw puzzle of the flower pot."

        1. ThundercatHo

          I've had an awful migraine all day and the only thing I "hear" are the horrid little migraine gremlins pounding the inside of my head with baseball bats and stomping around in their hobnail boots.

  1. Redhead

    “I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

    And I hear Marcus is looking forward to the great shoe and purse shopping in DC.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, I was kind of awed at that wording, too….I thought maybe it meant she wasn't so much running as showing someone new the ropes…

  2. Steverino247

    “I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a supply of strong and powerful anti-psychotic medications to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.


  3. Pragmatist2

    We Minnesotans are soooooo grateful. We were worried that with Ventura gone and Bachmann gone we would no longer be the laughing stock of the nation.

    1. memzilla

      Au contraire. Exhibits A and B: Arizona and Florida. Minnesota is only the northern contender for Most Wackadoodle State.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      You'll always have Timmeh – although admittedly he makes Minnesotans seem like the Ambien of the nation more than the laughing stock.

    3. Toomush_Infer

      Straight through the Midwest: it's a Bachman, Walker, Snyder drive, the scenic view of crazies is magnificent..

    1. flamingpdog

      Yeah, and six years after Dickie Nixon made that famous comment, he was being ushered into the White House through the front door. I hope this isn't all another one of Yahweh's practical jokes.

    1. finallyhappy

      I forget the name but there is a place in Clarendon that specializes in large
      sizes of very elegant gowns and shoes for guys like Marcus

  4. edgydrifter

    She's a modern Quixote. What you or I might call "barking at a pile of mildewed boxes behind the 7-11" she calls "addressing Congress."

  5. DaRooster

    So she has been off of the campaign trail for a few weeks and is not back to work yet? Get your ass back to work and quit trying to be like Mitt… perpetually running for any office.

  6. SorosBot

    But seriously, voters of Minnesota's 6th District, why do you keep reelecting a woman who is obviously seriously mentally ill? She appears to suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, and has not sought any treatment, yet you put her in a position of power. This reflects very poorly on you, and makes it appear that you must all be total lunatics yourselves.

    1. memzilla

      As Ol' Crazy Eyes would put it: "Part of me keeps wondering, why does everybody keep saying I'm suffering from paranoid schizophrenia?"

    2. Ducksworthy

      The Whites of the 6th district need someone to organize and direct their racism. They didn't know they were racist until the Somali's moved in. That was when the noticed that not everyone is Norwegian and swine pink.

    3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You spend a winter in Minnesota and see how your mental health is. Then imagine that all you do is listen to Glenn Beck…..

    4. Wadisay

      As someone who lives close to MN 06, I have considered your comment and want to stab you. Stab, stab, stab, gaah.

      1. Toomush_Infer

        Misplaced – turn yer stabbin' back to the Stearns Co. Republicans…..they're still mad that St. Cloud isn't the capital of the Universe…

  7. Eve8Apples

    For someone who likes to squawk about the awful federal government and the evils of federal government social programs, she is sure addicted to her federal government paycheck and federal government healthcare and retirement benefits. Why can't someone with her keen intellect find a job in the private sector?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Her son signed up for a gig in AmeriCorps, or as Shelly calls it, the Obama Indoctrination Camp.

  8. GuanoFaucet

    Some experts had speculated that Bachmann might instead turn to a career in talk media.

    Damn, I was looking forward to listening to "The Batshit Crazy Breakfast with Michele" weekday mornings.

    1. BlueMonkeh

      Hoo boy, that's a keeper. That's how they kept her from staring crazily into the distance – put a big old wiener in front of her. "Careful, she bites!" Marcus squealed…

  9. Terry

    Please, people of Minnesota, don't re-elect her. Make her put that degree from Oral Roberts University to some kind of use.

  10. Goonemeritus

    If Obama wins in November I’m hoping it will rekindle dormant secessionist sentiments. I’m sure Shelly would make a compelling Representative to the UN from the fledgling Nation of Teatardia.

  11. Ducksworthy

    Thank Gawd! We sorely need Michele's voice to explain the views of the Fascist wing of the GOP to ordinary voters.

  12. Tommy1733

    I would almost be willing to get cable TV if there were a show in which M Bachmann and S Palin would do something together – debate, wrestle, hunt – almost anything would be a treat.

  13. thefrontpage

    The State of Minnesota called a press conference in response to Blechmann's announcement, and issued this statement:

    "The State of Minnesota officially and strongly opposes this move by MEShellshock Blechmann to offend the great United States of America by having the nerve to dare run for Congress once again. Minnesota in no possible, sane or rational way, style or manner supports this move by Blechmann. Minnesota is opposed to Blechmann running for Congress–or for any other political office, anywhere, at anytime. The State of Minnesota stands for intelligence, saneness, rationality, education, normalcy and common sense–none of which Blechmann possesses or represents. The State of Minnesota is opposed to Blechmann on every level. Thank you. And God bless the State of Minnesota."

  14. MissTaken

    Okay, I can maybe understand electing her once. Maybe she seemed fun and lively and a breath of fresh air. But reelecting her TWO more times, and now quite likely THREE?? Isn't there some kind of link between insanity and doing the same thing over and over again? I could've swore I read that on a bus bench once.

    1. OkieDokieDog

      A friend of mine in Arizona told me that people keep voting for John McCain just to keep him out of the state. I can believe that about a lot of politicians.

    2. YasserArraFeck

      That's pretty much how I feel when I see a "Bush/Cheney 2004" bumper sticker – fool me once….. etc etc

  15. Extemporanus

    If Michele Bachmann is re-elected, her claim that vaccination causes retardation will need to be seriously reconsidered.

  16. slowhansolo

    Minnesota's a long way from everywhere. But everyone will have still have to deal with her, the woman who was such a loser she quit early from that pack of lunatic evil clowns.

  17. proudgrampa

    Is the 6th as crazy, paranoid, and anti-gay as she is?

    Is she likely to be reelected?

    Is the Pope Catholic?

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Phew — with this nation sliding ever-closer to having death camps, forced homosexuality, sharia law, fetus-based food products, the replacing of all handguns with broccoli, outlawing Jesus, filling good states like Virginia with rats from DC, and making our children sing the Internationale instead of the Pledge of Allegiance, we need Michele more than ever to combat these looming dangers. She's the thin crazy line between us and the realization of the oppressive dream of Karl Marx and Saul Alinsky.

  19. OneYieldRegular

    “I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

    What? No one bothered to tell her that Etta James died? Oh. You mean. Ah, I see. Never mind.

  20. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Clearly she doesn't want to return to Minnesota, as there are lesbians all over the bathrooms there.

  21. owhatever

    Here's the first gotcha question: "Congresswoman Bachmann, you went epic fail when you stepped beyond the super-safe 6th District of the Land that Time Forgot? Why does America hate you?"

  22. widestanceshakedown

    Paying her a full salary to do nothing–and stay in Minnesota—is a bargain for America's taxpayers.

  23. Steverino247

    Is Stearns County in her district? Or just close enough…

    Edit: It lies completely within her district. Figures. Look it up and see why that might explain everything.

  24. ttommyunger

    Well, they certainly don't need the moneez. Shelly's many lengthy appearances during the primary turned so many red-blooded American men gay that Marcus' phone is ringing off the hook.

  25. MOG2410

    And this shit just writes itself…………tune in next week for the Michelle's Exciting Adventures in Politics, ugh.

  26. fuflans

    huh. and here i thougth jesters spoke truth to power.

    shelley is more speaking fringe to the insane.

Comments are closed.