she's baaaaack

Comedy Saved: Michele Bachmann Running for Congress Again (OR NOT?)

Is that Orly Taitz?

Were you, like us, very ultra super secretly sighing to yourself — under your breath when you were absolutely sure no one could hear you — hasn’t this campaign season gotten sorta boring since Michele Bachmann dropped out? WELL SIGH NO MORE: her surrealist sideshow is coming BACK following Michele’s announcement today that she will run for re-election to Congress! Will the voters of Minnesota’s 6th District once again choose to be represented by a whacked out, pill-snarfing lunatic screamer over any other available adult human? True, it’s not like America will be in any DANGER if she wins again — she never actually does anything in Congress, ever. She is more like very expensive, taxpayer-funded entertainment. But hey, maybe Minnesota’s 6th District is feeling flush again this year? UPDATE: HAHA oh god we love it, Michele Bachmann has no idea what words mean in English and went on Fox News to qualify her initial statement of “yes” with more of a “maybe definitely yes” declaration of non-candidacy candidacy. Who knows!

The AP reports:

“I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann will be a formidable candidate in Minnesota’s 6th District, where other Republican hopefuls had stood aside until she made a decision on running for re-election. Some experts had speculated that Bachmann might instead turn to a career in talk media.

TALK MEDIA!!!! No, that is only for second-tier entertainers that the public doesn’t want to pay for with taxpayer money, like Sarah Palin. [AP]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Did God speak to her and apologize for telling her to run for POTUS?

    • nounverb911

      God should apologize to all the late night hosts for telling her to drop out.

    • Steverino247

      Not to gross anybody out here, but if you're going to have surgery soon you might want to start taking a certain kind of "softeners" about now. The medications you'll be given will turn things to stone.

      • Barb

        They key to life is a healthy colon~ Eddie Murphy
        Thanks for the advice!

        • Steverino247

          Not a problem. Had a hernia repaired once and let's just say that any strain was just bad. Took something after the fact and just built up a back pressure. Hope everything comes out ok. (Take that anyway you wanna!)

          • Barb

            Thank you, Sweetheart. I need all the help I can get.

          • Gunner Asch

            Same here except it turned out that was just a symptom of the bladder getting what they later called a Charley Horse and filling up to 5x what it should be. The PA on my case damn near killed me, telling me I still felt horrible 3 weeks after surgery because I was (insert sneer here) "extremely sensitive to my body". Finally saw the original surgeon another week later who diagnosed correctly before I had my first sentence all the way out. According to my Instant Google Expert research it really isn't all that uncommon. As it was for the next month or so it looked like catheters 'r us for the rest of my life. Not trying to be gross, just a warning to beware of secondary causes.

          • Steverino247

            Yeah, there's nothing quite like running a hose up there to drain it when "that special moment" arrives, is there?

            Um, Barb, That's two things you need to be careful about. I forgot about that one.

    • Biff

      God is such a dick.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        And oy, what a terrible sense of humor.

        • SorosBot

          That whole "Abraham go kill your son or I'll smite you!", then finally going "haha just kidding!" right as Abe was about to bring the dagger down prank was a particularly cruel one.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            That part of the biblewhen Isaac, on his way up the mountain, asks why, if they are going to make a sacrifice, there is no bull, is utterly harrowing.

          • doloras

            Interestingly, in the Qur'an's version of the story, Abraham tells his son what he's planning to and the son is all like "oh well, what God wants God gets", which makes it decidedly less creepy.

    • flamingpdog

      Why should he apologize? We all can see from the results of the Republican Presidential debates that God is just the supreme practical joker of the universe. Che1y needs to lighten up.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I'm guessing he poked her in the ribs and said "Hah! Made ya run! Hee hee hee."

    • An_Outhouse

      Punk'd!

      — God

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      God used to be a helpful guy. Creating the universe, writing up those commandments, telling people to love their neighbor. But he's getting old and, to be honest, kind of a dick. Sending tornados to trailer parks, telling Dubya to run for president, another(!) season of DWTS. We should just treat him like our senile great-uncle who wants to go for a drive in his "brand new DeSoto". Answer, "OK Walter. We'll do that right after you finish that jigsaw puzzle of the flower pot."

    • LiveToServeYa

      Sometime, in the depths of an awful migraine, His voice became clear to her.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        I get awful migraines, and nobody speaks to me in the middle of them. Sigh…I haz teh sadz.

        • ThundercatHo

          I've had an awful migraine all day and the only thing I "hear" are the horrid little migraine gremlins pounding the inside of my head with baseball bats and stomping around in their hobnail boots.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Wow, the post-SOTU hangover must be killer this morning!

  • nounverb911

    When does Marcus get glitter bombed again?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Every night, from what I've heard.

  • Redhead

    “I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

    And I hear Marcus is looking forward to the great shoe and purse shopping in DC.

    • widestanceshakedown

      And doggy stylish sunglasses.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, I was kind of awed at that wording, too….I thought maybe it meant she wasn't so much running as showing someone new the ropes…

  • chicken_thief

    What chootz pah!

  • Steverino247

    “I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a supply of strong and powerful anti-psychotic medications to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

    /fixed

  • Pragmatist2

    We Minnesotans are soooooo grateful. We were worried that with Ventura gone and Bachmann gone we would no longer be the laughing stock of the nation.

    • chicken_thief

      Walker is keeping your neighbor in the running.

      • Pragmatist2

        They proudly wear Cheeseheads so maybe they should just get the title by default.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Jan Brewer: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?
      Crowd: 'zona, ;zona, 'zona…

    • memzilla

      Au contraire. Exhibits A and B: Arizona and Florida. Minnesota is only the northern contender for Most Wackadoodle State.

    • BerkeleyBear

      You'll always have Timmeh – although admittedly he makes Minnesotans seem like the Ambien of the nation more than the laughing stock.

      • Callyson

        For a pleasant moment there, I had no idea who you were referring to.

    • GOPCrusher

      You'll always have the Vikings.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Straight through the Midwest: it's a Bachman, Walker, Snyder drive, the scenic view of crazies is magnificent..

  • SorosBot

    So we will have Michele Bachmann to kick around some more.

    • flamingpdog

      Nedz moar five o'clock shadow.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Marcus has a full beard.

    • Not_So_Much

      If only literally…

    • flamingpdog

      Yeah, and six years after Dickie Nixon made that famous comment, he was being ushered into the White House through the front door. I hope this isn't all another one of Yahweh's practical jokes.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Someone needs to be dog catcher.

  • flamingpdog

    Someone needs to overturn her Bachmann drive back to the House.

  • chicken_thief

    As for the photo – no, that isn't Oily Taintz. That's Marcus sporting a new do.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Listen, DC has the best boutiques for gowns and shoes, and Marcus would be heartbroken to head back to Minnesota…

    • finallyhappy

      I forget the name but there is a place in Clarendon that specializes in large
      sizes of very elegant gowns and shoes for guys like Marcus

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Lane Bryant?

        Not that I'd, you know, know….

  • edgydrifter

    She's a modern Quixote. What you or I might call "barking at a pile of mildewed boxes behind the 7-11" she calls "addressing Congress."

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      I'm am so gonna steal that.

  • memzilla

    Couldn't get rid of the fleece jackets on eBay, huh?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Minnesota’s 6th District

    Yet another gerrymandered House district designed to include white-flight suburbs. It's just the kind of district that Scott Walker began his political career in.
    ~

  • OkieDokieDog

    One L Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Mitch Daniels, etc: the Zombie Apocalypse.

  • Indiepalin

    Headline of the day (MSM):

    Navy Seals Rescue Garth Brooks

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      …from his hat.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I wonder what happened with his career.

    • GOPCrusher

      Maybe President Obama needs to call in the Navy SEALS to rescue our economy.

      • MOG2410

        I'd like to call a few Navy SEALS myself, heh.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I heard she's a semi-finalist for the eyeball over the new national seal.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weej_bain

    Can someone steal Hiawatha's canoe, some cinder blocks and rope, and take She1ey out for a romantic paddle on Lake Gitche Gumee?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hah! Pipestone libel…!

  • DaRooster

    So she has been off of the campaign trail for a few weeks and is not back to work yet? Get your ass back to work and quit trying to be like Mitt… perpetually running for any office.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Talk media? Perfect. That's where all the shrill harpy has-beens end up.

  • SorosBot

    But seriously, voters of Minnesota's 6th District, why do you keep reelecting a woman who is obviously seriously mentally ill? She appears to suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, and has not sought any treatment, yet you put her in a position of power. This reflects very poorly on you, and makes it appear that you must all be total lunatics yourselves.

    • memzilla

      As Ol' Crazy Eyes would put it: "Part of me keeps wondering, why does everybody keep saying I'm suffering from paranoid schizophrenia?"

      • SorosBot

        "And why do the voices in my head keep telling me to get help?"

        • GOPCrusher

          "And run for President?"

        • MOG2410

          I hate it when they argue, it gets so noisy.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      From my understanding of the district… yes… the majority anyway.

    • Ducksworthy

      The Whites of the 6th district need someone to organize and direct their racism. They didn't know they were racist until the Somali's moved in. That was when the noticed that not everyone is Norwegian and swine pink.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      You spend a winter in Minnesota and see how your mental health is. Then imagine that all you do is listen to Glenn Beck…..

    • Wadisay

      As someone who lives close to MN 06, I have considered your comment and want to stab you. Stab, stab, stab, gaah.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Misplaced – turn yer stabbin' back to the Stearns Co. Republicans…..they're still mad that St. Cloud isn't the capital of the Universe…

  • Eve8Apples

    For someone who likes to squawk about the awful federal government and the evils of federal government social programs, she is sure addicted to her federal government paycheck and federal government healthcare and retirement benefits. Why can't someone with her keen intellect find a job in the private sector?

    • GOPCrusher

      Her son signed up for a gig in AmeriCorps, or as Shelly calls it, the Obama Indoctrination Camp.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Some experts had speculated that Bachmann might instead turn to a career in talk media.

    Damn, I was looking forward to listening to "The Batshit Crazy Breakfast with Michele" weekday mornings.

  • veritass

    What? Kristen has the first article of the day? Matt must be hungover from the SOTU drinking game.

  • CapnFatback

    The pharmacists in D.C. can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'm sure she done the 666th District "proud."

    I suggest for a campaign photo, this one.
    http://lgbtpov.frontiersla.com/wp-content/uploads

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      I think that's a wiener!
      ~

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      Hoo boy, that's a keeper. That's how they kept her from staring crazily into the distance – put a big old wiener in front of her. "Careful, she bites!" Marcus squealed…

    • ThundercatHo

      I just love the guy's expression. "How many inches can she take?!"

  • Terry

    Please, people of Minnesota, don't re-elect her. Make her put that degree from Oral Roberts University to some kind of use.

  • Goonemeritus

    If Obama wins in November I’m hoping it will rekindle dormant secessionist sentiments. I’m sure Shelly would make a compelling Representative to the UN from the fledgling Nation of Teatardia.

  • meatlofer

    The kids want her OUT of the house.Can't watch Porn with that sway-backed Bitch around!

    • chicken_thief

      Sway-backed bitch – One L or Marcus?

  • Ducksworthy

    Thank Gawd! We sorely need Michele's voice to explain the views of the Fascist wing of the GOP to ordinary voters.

  • Tommy1733

    I would almost be willing to get cable TV if there were a show in which M Bachmann and S Palin would do something together – debate, wrestle, hunt – almost anything would be a treat.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      I'd rather see a fake version like Hustler's Nail'n Pail'n: Bachmann Sapphic Overdrive.

    • Barrelhse

      Hunting together with some smallish atomic weapons could be entertaining.

  • thefrontpage

    The State of Minnesota called a press conference in response to Blechmann's announcement, and issued this statement:

    "The State of Minnesota officially and strongly opposes this move by MEShellshock Blechmann to offend the great United States of America by having the nerve to dare run for Congress once again. Minnesota in no possible, sane or rational way, style or manner supports this move by Blechmann. Minnesota is opposed to Blechmann running for Congress–or for any other political office, anywhere, at anytime. The State of Minnesota stands for intelligence, saneness, rationality, education, normalcy and common sense–none of which Blechmann possesses or represents. The State of Minnesota is opposed to Blechmann on every level. Thank you. And God bless the State of Minnesota."

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I will humbly speak for Minnesotans everywhere….
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

    • MOG2410

      A moment of prayer for your pain. NOT!

  • MissTaken

    Okay, I can maybe understand electing her once. Maybe she seemed fun and lively and a breath of fresh air. But reelecting her TWO more times, and now quite likely THREE?? Isn't there some kind of link between insanity and doing the same thing over and over again? I could've swore I read that on a bus bench once.

    • OkieDokieDog

      A friend of mine in Arizona told me that people keep voting for John McCain just to keep him out of the state. I can believe that about a lot of politicians.

    • SorosBot

      Maybe it's a practical joke they're playing on the House of Representatives?

      • MissTaken

        Or on the United States of America?

    • YasserArraFeck

      That's pretty much how I feel when I see a "Bush/Cheney 2004" bumper sticker – fool me once….. etc etc

  • mavenmaven

    She'd have to actually show up to do talk media, so nix that.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Giffords was getting too much attention .

    • TeaNuts

      Competing head injuries.

  • Extemporanus

    If Michele Bachmann is re-elected, her claim that vaccination causes retardation will need to be seriously reconsidered.

    • Barrelhse

      Possibly her whole district has been vaccinated already.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Minnesota's a long way from everywhere. But everyone will have still have to deal with her, the woman who was such a loser she quit early from that pack of lunatic evil clowns.

  • CommieLibunatic

    *barf* That's all there is to say.

  • Ruhe

    Marcus' beard goes back to Washington.

  • proudgrampa

    Is the 6th as crazy, paranoid, and anti-gay as she is?

    Is she likely to be reelected?

    Is the Pope Catholic?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Phew — with this nation sliding ever-closer to having death camps, forced homosexuality, sharia law, fetus-based food products, the replacing of all handguns with broccoli, outlawing Jesus, filling good states like Virginia with rats from DC, and making our children sing the Internationale instead of the Pledge of Allegiance, we need Michele more than ever to combat these looming dangers. She's the thin crazy line between us and the realization of the oppressive dream of Karl Marx and Saul Alinsky.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

    What? No one bothered to tell her that Etta James died? Oh. You mean. Ah, I see. Never mind.

  • chicken_thief

    If she needs a job, why doesn't she just call Herman Cain?!

    • YasserArraFeck

      Seeing how well she's doing with the weiner, I don't understand why Herman isn't calling her.

  • WiscDad

    I heard Brett Favre is coming back to the Vikings too

  • DahBoner

    Well, shrooms are actually good for Depression, right Michele?

    http://mobile.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE80M20B20

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Clearly she doesn't want to return to Minnesota, as there are lesbians all over the bathrooms there.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Insanity is her motor. Hear her motor purr.

  • BornInATrailer

    M. Bachmann is such a cock tease.

    And now Michele is too.

  • owhatever

    Here's the first gotcha question: "Congresswoman Bachmann, you went epic fail when you stepped beyond the super-safe 6th District of the Land that Time Forgot? Why does America hate you?"

  • widestanceshakedown

    Paying her a full salary to do nothing–and stay in Minnesota—is a bargain for America's taxpayers.

  • Steverino247

    Is Stearns County in her district? Or just close enough…

    Edit: It lies completely within her district. Figures. Look it up and see why that might explain everything.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar llamas!

  • fuflans

    i love you tuff baby.

  • SaintRond

    My God, but I wanted her to win the Presidency.

    That cunt.

  • teebob2000

    "La llama es un cuadrúpedo."

  • WinterOuthouse

    Didn't Larry Craig hit on Marcus in a bathroom at the airport in Minneapolis?

  • DahBoner

    That magnetic sign cums off easily…

  • ttommyunger

    Well, they certainly don't need the moneez. Shelly's many lengthy appearances during the primary turned so many red-blooded American men gay that Marcus' phone is ringing off the hook.

  • Ruhe

    Not America's Regan?

  • MOG2410

    And this shit just writes itself…………tune in next week for the Michelle's Exciting Adventures in Politics, ugh.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Jester?! I barely know 'er!

  • fuflans

    huh. and here i thougth jesters spoke truth to power.

    shelley is more speaking fringe to the insane.