SHE'S BAAAAACK  12:15 pm January 25, 2012

Comedy Saved: Michele Bachmann Running for Congress Again (OR NOT?)

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Is that Orly Taitz?

Were you, like us, very ultra super secretly sighing to yourself — under your breath when you were absolutely sure no one could hear you — hasn’t this campaign season gotten sorta boring since Michele Bachmann dropped out? WELL SIGH NO MORE: her surrealist sideshow is coming BACK following Michele’s announcement today that she will run for re-election to Congress! Will the voters of Minnesota’s 6th District once again choose to be represented by a whacked out, pill-snarfing lunatic screamer over any other available adult human? True, it’s not like America will be in any DANGER if she wins again — she never actually does anything in Congress, ever. She is more like very expensive, taxpayer-funded entertainment. But hey, maybe Minnesota’s 6th District is feeling flush again this year? UPDATE: HAHA oh god we love it, Michele Bachmann has no idea what words mean in English and went on Fox News to qualify her initial statement of “yes” with more of a “maybe definitely yes” declaration of non-candidacy candidacy. Who knows!

The AP reports:

“I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann will be a formidable candidate in Minnesota’s 6th District, where other Republican hopefuls had stood aside until she made a decision on running for re-election. Some experts had speculated that Bachmann might instead turn to a career in talk media.

TALK MEDIA!!!! No, that is only for second-tier entertainers that the public doesn’t want to pay for with taxpayer money, like Sarah Palin. [AP]

 
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{ 131 comments }

Barb January 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Did God speak to her and apologize for telling her to run for POTUS?

nounverb911 January 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

God should apologize to all the late night hosts for telling her to drop out.

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Not to gross anybody out here, but if you're going to have surgery soon you might want to start taking a certain kind of "softeners" about now. The medications you'll be given will turn things to stone.

Barb January 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

They key to life is a healthy colon~ Eddie Murphy
Thanks for the advice!

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Not a problem. Had a hernia repaired once and let's just say that any strain was just bad. Took something after the fact and just built up a back pressure. Hope everything comes out ok. (Take that anyway you wanna!)

Barb January 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Thank you, Sweetheart. I need all the help I can get.

Gunner Asch January 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Same here except it turned out that was just a symptom of the bladder getting what they later called a Charley Horse and filling up to 5x what it should be. The PA on my case damn near killed me, telling me I still felt horrible 3 weeks after surgery because I was (insert sneer here) "extremely sensitive to my body". Finally saw the original surgeon another week later who diagnosed correctly before I had my first sentence all the way out. According to my Instant Google Expert research it really isn't all that uncommon. As it was for the next month or so it looked like catheters 'r us for the rest of my life. Not trying to be gross, just a warning to beware of secondary causes.

Biff January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

God is such a dick.

starfanglednut January 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

And oy, what a terrible sense of humor.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

That whole "Abraham go kill your son or I'll smite you!", then finally going "haha just kidding!" right as Abe was about to bring the dagger down prank was a particularly cruel one.

starfanglednut January 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

That part of the biblewhen Isaac, on his way up the mountain, asks why, if they are going to make a sacrifice, there is no bull, is utterly harrowing.

flamingpdog January 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Why should he apologize? We all can see from the results of the Republican Presidential debates that God is just the supreme practical joker of the universe. Che1y needs to lighten up.

OneDollarJuana January 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I'm guessing he poked her in the ribs and said "Hah! Made ya run! Hee hee hee."

An_Outhouse January 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Punk'd!

— God

JustPixelz January 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

God used to be a helpful guy. Creating the universe, writing up those commandments, telling people to love their neighbor. But he's getting old and, to be honest, kind of a dick. Sending tornados to trailer parks, telling Dubya to run for president, another(!) season of DWTS. We should just treat him like our senile great-uncle who wants to go for a drive in his "brand new DeSoto". Answer, "OK Walter. We'll do that right after you finish that jigsaw puzzle of the flower pot."

LiveToServeYa January 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Sometime, in the depths of an awful migraine, His voice became clear to her.

starfanglednut January 25, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I get awful migraines, and nobody speaks to me in the middle of them. Sigh…I haz teh sadz.

ThundercatHo January 25, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I've had an awful migraine all day and the only thing I "hear" are the horrid little migraine gremlins pounding the inside of my head with baseball bats and stomping around in their hobnail boots.

GunToting[Redacted] January 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Wow, the post-SOTU hangover must be killer this morning!

nounverb911 January 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

When does Marcus get glitter bombed again?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 25, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Every night, from what I've heard.

Redhead January 25, 2012 at 12:18 pm

“I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

And I hear Marcus is looking forward to the great shoe and purse shopping in DC.

widestanceshakedown January 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

And doggy stylish sunglasses.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Yeah, I was kind of awed at that wording, too….I thought maybe it meant she wasn't so much running as showing someone new the ropes…

chicken_thief January 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

What chootz pah!

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

“I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a supply of strong and powerful anti-psychotic medications to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

/fixed

Pragmatist2 January 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

We Minnesotans are soooooo grateful. We were worried that with Ventura gone and Bachmann gone we would no longer be the laughing stock of the nation.

chicken_thief January 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Walker is keeping your neighbor in the running.

Pragmatist2 January 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

They proudly wear Cheeseheads so maybe they should just get the title by default.

ManchuCandidate January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Jan Brewer: Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?
Crowd: 'zona, ;zona, 'zona…

memzilla January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Au contraire. Exhibits A and B: Arizona and Florida. Minnesota is only the northern contender for Most Wackadoodle State.

BerkeleyBear January 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

You'll always have Timmeh – although admittedly he makes Minnesotans seem like the Ambien of the nation more than the laughing stock.

Callyson January 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

For a pleasant moment there, I had no idea who you were referring to.

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

You'll always have the Vikings.

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Straight through the Midwest: it's a Bachman, Walker, Snyder drive, the scenic view of crazies is magnificent..

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

So we will have Michele Bachmann to kick around some more.

flamingpdog January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Nedz moar five o'clock shadow.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Marcus has a full beard.

Not_So_Much January 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

If only literally…

flamingpdog January 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yeah, and six years after Dickie Nixon made that famous comment, he was being ushered into the White House through the front door. I hope this isn't all another one of Yahweh's practical jokes.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Someone needs to be dog catcher.

flamingpdog January 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Someone needs to overturn her Bachmann drive back to the House.

chicken_thief January 25, 2012 at 12:21 pm

As for the photo – no, that isn't Oily Taintz. That's Marcus sporting a new do.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Listen, DC has the best boutiques for gowns and shoes, and Marcus would be heartbroken to head back to Minnesota…

finallyhappy January 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I forget the name but there is a place in Clarendon that specializes in large
sizes of very elegant gowns and shoes for guys like Marcus

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Lane Bryant?

Not that I'd, you know, know….

edgydrifter January 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

She's a modern Quixote. What you or I might call "barking at a pile of mildewed boxes behind the 7-11" she calls "addressing Congress."

BlueMonkeh January 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I'm am so gonna steal that.

memzilla January 25, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Couldn't get rid of the fleece jackets on eBay, huh?

ifthethunderdontgetya January 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Minnesota’s 6th District

Yet another gerrymandered House district designed to include white-flight suburbs. It's just the kind of district that Scott Walker began his political career in.
~

OkieDokieDog January 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

One L Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Mitch Daniels, etc: the Zombie Apocalypse.

Indiepalin January 25, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Headline of the day (MSM):

Navy Seals Rescue Garth Brooks

smokefilledroommate January 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

…from his hat.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I wonder what happened with his career.

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Maybe President Obama needs to call in the Navy SEALS to rescue our economy.

MOG2410 January 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I'd like to call a few Navy SEALS myself, heh.

actor212 January 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I heard she's a semi-finalist for the eyeball over the new national seal.

weej_bain January 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Can someone steal Hiawatha's canoe, some cinder blocks and rope, and take She1ey out for a romantic paddle on Lake Gitche Gumee?

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Hah! Pipestone libel…!

DaRooster January 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm

So she has been off of the campaign trail for a few weeks and is not back to work yet? Get your ass back to work and quit trying to be like Mitt… perpetually running for any office.

smokefilledroommate January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Talk media? Perfect. That's where all the shrill harpy has-beens end up.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

But seriously, voters of Minnesota's 6th District, why do you keep reelecting a woman who is obviously seriously mentally ill? She appears to suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, and has not sought any treatment, yet you put her in a position of power. This reflects very poorly on you, and makes it appear that you must all be total lunatics yourselves.

memzilla January 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

As Ol' Crazy Eyes would put it: "Part of me keeps wondering, why does everybody keep saying I'm suffering from paranoid schizophrenia?"

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"And why do the voices in my head keep telling me to get help?"

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"And run for President?"

MOG2410 January 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I hate it when they argue, it gets so noisy.

ManchuCandidate January 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

From my understanding of the district… yes… the majority anyway.

Ducksworthy January 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

The Whites of the 6th district need someone to organize and direct their racism. They didn't know they were racist until the Somali's moved in. That was when the noticed that not everyone is Norwegian and swine pink.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

You spend a winter in Minnesota and see how your mental health is. Then imagine that all you do is listen to Glenn Beck…..

Wadisay January 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

As someone who lives close to MN 06, I have considered your comment and want to stab you. Stab, stab, stab, gaah.

Toomush_Infer January 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Misplaced – turn yer stabbin' back to the Stearns Co. Republicans…..they're still mad that St. Cloud isn't the capital of the Universe…

Eve8Apples January 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm

For someone who likes to squawk about the awful federal government and the evils of federal government social programs, she is sure addicted to her federal government paycheck and federal government healthcare and retirement benefits. Why can't someone with her keen intellect find a job in the private sector?

GOPCrusher January 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Her son signed up for a gig in AmeriCorps, or as Shelly calls it, the Obama Indoctrination Camp.

GuanoFaucet January 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Some experts had speculated that Bachmann might instead turn to a career in talk media.

Damn, I was looking forward to listening to "The Batshit Crazy Breakfast with Michele" weekday mornings.

veritass January 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

What? Kristen has the first article of the day? Matt must be hungover from the SOTU drinking game.

CapnFatback January 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm

The pharmacists in D.C. can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

ManchuCandidate January 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I'm sure she done the 666th District "proud."

I suggest for a campaign photo, this one.
http://lgbtpov.frontiersla.com/wp-content/uploads

ifthethunderdontgetya January 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I think that's a wiener!
~

BlueMonkeh January 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Hoo boy, that's a keeper. That's how they kept her from staring crazily into the distance – put a big old wiener in front of her. "Careful, she bites!" Marcus squealed…

ThundercatHo January 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I just love the guy's expression. "How many inches can she take?!"

Terry January 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Please, people of Minnesota, don't re-elect her. Make her put that degree from Oral Roberts University to some kind of use.

Goonemeritus January 25, 2012 at 12:29 pm

If Obama wins in November I’m hoping it will rekindle dormant secessionist sentiments. I’m sure Shelly would make a compelling Representative to the UN from the fledgling Nation of Teatardia.

meatlofer January 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

The kids want her OUT of the house.Can't watch Porn with that sway-backed Bitch around!

chicken_thief January 25, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Sway-backed bitch – One L or Marcus?

Ducksworthy January 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Thank Gawd! We sorely need Michele's voice to explain the views of the Fascist wing of the GOP to ordinary voters.

Tommy1733 January 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I would almost be willing to get cable TV if there were a show in which M Bachmann and S Palin would do something together – debate, wrestle, hunt – almost anything would be a treat.

ManchuCandidate January 25, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I'd rather see a fake version like Hustler's Nail'n Pail'n: Bachmann Sapphic Overdrive.

Barrelhse January 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Hunting together with some smallish atomic weapons could be entertaining.

thefrontpage January 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

The State of Minnesota called a press conference in response to Blechmann's announcement, and issued this statement:

"The State of Minnesota officially and strongly opposes this move by MEShellshock Blechmann to offend the great United States of America by having the nerve to dare run for Congress once again. Minnesota in no possible, sane or rational way, style or manner supports this move by Blechmann. Minnesota is opposed to Blechmann running for Congress–or for any other political office, anywhere, at anytime. The State of Minnesota stands for intelligence, saneness, rationality, education, normalcy and common sense–none of which Blechmann possesses or represents. The State of Minnesota is opposed to Blechmann on every level. Thank you. And God bless the State of Minnesota."

Monsieur_Grumpe January 25, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I will humbly speak for Minnesotans everywhere….
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

MOG2410 January 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

A moment of prayer for your pain. NOT!

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Okay, I can maybe understand electing her once. Maybe she seemed fun and lively and a breath of fresh air. But reelecting her TWO more times, and now quite likely THREE?? Isn't there some kind of link between insanity and doing the same thing over and over again? I could've swore I read that on a bus bench once.

OkieDokieDog January 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

A friend of mine in Arizona told me that people keep voting for John McCain just to keep him out of the state. I can believe that about a lot of politicians.

SorosBot January 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Maybe it's a practical joke they're playing on the House of Representatives?

MissTaken January 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Or on the United States of America?

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

That's pretty much how I feel when I see a "Bush/Cheney 2004" bumper sticker – fool me once….. etc etc

mavenmaven January 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

She'd have to actually show up to do talk media, so nix that.

Blueb4sunrise January 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Giffords was getting too much attention .

TeaNuts January 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Competing head injuries.

Extemporanus January 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

If Michele Bachmann is re-elected, her claim that vaccination causes retardation will need to be seriously reconsidered.

Barrelhse January 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Possibly her whole district has been vaccinated already.

slowhansolo January 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Minnesota's a long way from everywhere. But everyone will have still have to deal with her, the woman who was such a loser she quit early from that pack of lunatic evil clowns.

CommieLibunatic January 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

*barf* That's all there is to say.

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Marcus' beard goes back to Washington.

proudgrampa January 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Is the 6th as crazy, paranoid, and anti-gay as she is?

Is she likely to be reelected?

Is the Pope Catholic?

SayItWithWookies January 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Phew — with this nation sliding ever-closer to having death camps, forced homosexuality, sharia law, fetus-based food products, the replacing of all handguns with broccoli, outlawing Jesus, filling good states like Virginia with rats from DC, and making our children sing the Internationale instead of the Pledge of Allegiance, we need Michele more than ever to combat these looming dangers. She's the thin crazy line between us and the realization of the oppressive dream of Karl Marx and Saul Alinsky.

OneYieldRegular January 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

“I’m looking forward to coming back and bringing a strong, powerful voice to Washington, D.C.,” Bachmann said.

What? No one bothered to tell her that Etta James died? Oh. You mean. Ah, I see. Never mind.

chicken_thief January 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

If she needs a job, why doesn't she just call Herman Cain?!

YasserArraFeck January 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Seeing how well she's doing with the weiner, I don't understand why Herman isn't calling her.

WiscDad January 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I heard Brett Favre is coming back to the Vikings too

DahBoner January 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Well, shrooms are actually good for Depression, right Michele?

http://mobile.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE80M20B20

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Clearly she doesn't want to return to Minnesota, as there are lesbians all over the bathrooms there.

LiveToServeYa January 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Insanity is her motor. Hear her motor purr.

BornInATrailer January 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

M. Bachmann is such a cock tease.

And now Michele is too.

owhatever January 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Here's the first gotcha question: "Congresswoman Bachmann, you went epic fail when you stepped beyond the super-safe 6th District of the Land that Time Forgot? Why does America hate you?"

widestanceshakedown January 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Paying her a full salary to do nothing–and stay in Minnesota—is a bargain for America's taxpayers.

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Is Stearns County in her district? Or just close enough…

Edit: It lies completely within her district. Figures. Look it up and see why that might explain everything.

littlebigdaddy January 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Needz moar llamas!

fuflans January 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

i love you tuff baby.

SaintRond January 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

My God, but I wanted her to win the Presidency.

That cunt.

teebob2000 January 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

"La llama es un cuadrúpedo."

WinterOuthouse January 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Didn't Larry Craig hit on Marcus in a bathroom at the airport in Minneapolis?

DahBoner January 25, 2012 at 3:44 pm

That magnetic sign cums off easily…

ttommyunger January 25, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Well, they certainly don't need the moneez. Shelly's many lengthy appearances during the primary turned so many red-blooded American men gay that Marcus' phone is ringing off the hook.

Ruhe January 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Not America's Regan?

MOG2410 January 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

And this shit just writes itself…………tune in next week for the Michelle's Exciting Adventures in Politics, ugh.

Spurning Beer January 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Jester?! I barely know 'er!

fuflans January 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

huh. and here i thougth jesters spoke truth to power.

shelley is more speaking fringe to the insane.

Steverino247 January 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Yeah, there's nothing quite like running a hose up there to drain it when "that special moment" arrives, is there?

Um, Barb, That's two things you need to be careful about. I forgot about that one.

doloras January 25, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Interestingly, in the Qur'an's version of the story, Abraham tells his son what he's planning to and the son is all like "oh well, what God wants God gets", which makes it decidedly less creepy.

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