Oh hi, how is the State of the Union? Sounds pretty gassy so far, what with the drilling for natural gas in every national park, and the drilling for more Blackwater spills on every U.S. coast, and shale oil extraction to ruin the Earth for a thousand generations, etc. Yay? Why not just, uh, stop having a civilization based on the burning of fossil fuels? Well, that will happen soon enough! ALSO: What is with the Pac-Man Jobs Program?
9:45 PM — Part One of the Liveblogging Orgy of Blogging can be found here, while our popular/fatal SOTU Drinking Game can be found here.
9:47 PM — Haha, the Republicans (and Democrats) are not at all excited about letting underwater homeowners get a chance to refinance.
9:48 PM — But then, wild applause when this is somehow against the Wall Street bailouts. Everyone in Washington pretends to be against the Wall Street bailouts.
9:50 PM — Grandpa Obama made a “crying over spilled milk” joke. Several grandpas in Congress very slowly decided to weakly chuckle.
9:51 PM — “I will expand offshore oil drilling to every coast, ever beach! And I will stop offshore oil spills!”
9:56 PM — BOOOOOOOO nobody in Congress wants to pay their fair share of taxes. Taxes are for poor people!
9:57 PM — Boehner looks like he’s having a spontaneous abortion right now. (Of his liver.)
9:58 PM — Oh great, now Obama is trying to impress the seniors on a fixed income. What next, citizenship for Mexicans? Oh right he already said that.
9:59 PM — So far, we’ve got liberal talking points on income equality and fair taxation, some kind of crazy plan to drill for oil EVERYWHERE, FOREVER, and some Tea Party anti-bailout rhetoric. Something for everyone! (Nothing to even begin to fix this ruined country and cancerous economic system based on exploitation, the pillaging of natural resources for profit, etc.)
10:00 PM — And someone is screaming “Ohhhhh Noooooooes” … it sounds like? What is that loon screaming? Is it this year’s “You Lie!”?
10:01 PM — It’s about time for one of those PETA stripping YouTubes with the Congressional Applause, right?
10:02 PM — Oh boy we’re about to get post-partisan now, a feel good moment to make us remember that no matter whether Republican or Democrat, we’re all basically faced with the same pro-corporate Wall Street Pentagon world-rape choice, which is no choice at all, or something. Let’s get the temperature down, in this town!
10:04 PM — (Even though the temperature in that town and all others is going to be increasing rapidly, from now on, in large part because the World’s Biggest Economy and Richest Nation failed to do a goddamned thing when the Earth began melting.
10:05 PM — Nancy Pelosi now looks exactly like Pat Benatar.
10:06 PM — Jeez, we almost forgot about how America assassinated Qadaffi, too!
10:07 PM — And they cut to Vinegar Joe Lieberman just in time for Obama to mouth some AIPAC talking points about nuking Iran, to make sure Iran doesn’t have a dangerous nuke.
10:08 PM — Obama must have let his Atlanta Jewish Times subscription lapse. Maybe there’s an iPad app?
10:09 PM — Oh, bite it, Obama. Those who speak of America’s decline know exactly what they’re talking about.
10:10 PM — “The growing dangers of cyber threats ….” He is talking about Anonymous, Facebook, Twitter, #OWS, etc. He’s talking about you, because you are the biggest threat to him and Them.
10:13 PM — One of Obama’s “proudest possessions” is the pirate flag brought back by the military assassins we sent after Osama bin Laden. “All that mattered that day was the mission,” says Obama. “No one thought about politics. No one thought about themselves.” This is such a ridiculous fucking pile of lies that it’s not worthy of additional comment.
10:15 PM — “Just like Pac Man, these men ran up dark corridors, etc.”
10:16 PM — “This nation is great because we will kill literally anyone who annoys us, anywhere, eventually.”
10:17 PM — So the nation is great because after terrorists lash out at us, we will spend 10 years fucking up totally unrelated countries, and then eventually slaughter some half-mythical terror king in a suburb, in Pakistan, because we are so great.
10:19 PM — Truly a great speech, from the greatest president, before the greatest Congress, in the greatest country in the world FOREVER and fuck the rest of the world, we are going on a “bipartisan date” with an old millionaire who wants to suck us off in a broom closet at Union Station, the end, may Allah bless the USA.
10:23 PM — All kinds of horror is still coming, such as the “Tea Party Response.” Ugh when will that poison take effect?
10:37 PM — So we just returned to the video stream and there’s Mitch Daniels saying, “We will never have the funding for anything,” which is … honest? Cheery?
10:38 PM — So Obama says how we are such a kick-ass country that can kill anybody and even make kids go to high school. And then Mitch says Obama *actually* said America is in decline, the world is too weird, etc. No, that’s what bloggers and leftists and anarchists say, because it’s true. Obama says a bunch of patriotic bullshit talking points.
10:41 PM — And there’s Mitch Daniels, everybody! What a personality, what charisma! Truly the Republican field is weaker without his stately, dullard presence.
10:45 PM — Brian Williams smirks something audible about how nothing will come of this SOTU speech, etc. He really does just want to be a blog commenter, but lacks the snark.
10:58 PM — THANK YOU everyone for spending the SOTU date night with your Wonkette. There is no way in Hell we would suffer through this televised misery without your delightful / drunken comments and emails and tips. Now we will go weep into a cup of bourbon, the end.